#I'm going to go email her back now but hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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mi toki insa e mi pakala. ni tan mi awen toki ala tawa recommenders a ,,, jan ale li utala luka e mi
#tenpo pini la jan sona Rebbecca li toki sitelen tawa mi#la mi toki e «tenpo suno ni awen toki kin tawa ona!»#(sitelen ike li tawa: mi toki ala)#and I feel SO bad about it#I'm going to go email her back now but hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#kat speaks#from the writer's den#void talks
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me: you know, dread of doing a thing is the worst, especially when it usually turns out that the thing takes 5 minutes and isn’t nearly as bad as you thought it would be
also me: so that means you should call that person back asap so you can stop building it up in your mind to be an impossible task?
me: ....... >:-(
#i signed up to volunteer to help with covid stuff#cuz it would probably look good on my cv/immigration dossier and also i am very bored and also i do want to help#and the volunteer coordinator called me and left a message (in french bahh) so logically i should just call her back right now#before i hashtag panic about it#but i'm going to need at least another half hour to work myself up to doing it#unnecessary dramatics#i hate it when things work out exactly the way i wanted them too (especially when that ends up requiring a phone call)#like gurl this could have been an email and then i would have had spellcheck on my side now you have to get my error-ridden nervous french
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fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucck
#what is the matter with my brain#I misread an email that my landlady sent me about all our checks being stollen so I canceled the check but I reread the email#and mine was NOT one of the checks stollen.#so now I had to phone back to reverse it and so he's going to email the people who deal with that#so I got myself into a pickle over nothing#THE HUMIDITY WILL NOT GO AWAY#I cannot stop sweating#I'm useless today#so I emailed her to let her know in case she tried to cash the check because I don't want it to bounce#I literally hate myself#personal
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today on things i'm stressed about: how to subtly imply that you're broke and would like to buy the flat at the cheapest possible price but it's also the best one you've seen so far and if necessary you're absolutely willing to pay the full price?
#i'm so fucking on edge today i don't like this. i'm too young to be doing this and the fact that i'm too poorly to even be there#discussing shit makes it even worse because this way it's basically just ''oh okay you can stay home but you still have to make#all the big decisions because technically it's your money'' which is hell but also thank god for my mum i may not be the biggest#fan of the idea of living with her for another god knows how many years but i definitely couldn't cope on my own right now aaa#i'm sorry i keep talking about this but i'm basically a ball of stress and so tired constantly and i need to bitch about it somewhere#anyways they're supposed to email us back in like an hour and obviously if they don't accept our offer we can go higher because#i refuse to give this flat up but i'm stressed#things are moving far too quickly for my liking ahh but also this is exactly what we've been waiting for and what we need since#we're only renting rn and we'll be booted sooner or later if we don't get out so this is very good but i'm nervous as fuck#angie.txt
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something really shitty actually kind of validating is going through a period where i don’t hear from my mom a lot so i sort of forget all the abuse and shit and start to wonder why i even resent her/struggle connecting w her so much and then to get hit with an incident that makes me go “oh right, you’re still an asshole!” like.....okay yeah i wasn’t making that up. lol!
#emailing with my mom and went out on a limb and was like yeah...i think i *will* try to talk to her about something i'm excited about rn#bc she's always like waah you never talk to me you never tell me what's going on in your life#so i was like okay i will be like hey i'm really into this band rn here's a video i like check it out if you want!#and she emailed back the shittiest passive aggressive response basically being like oh yeah those guys are assholes/hypocrites smh anywa#*anyway how did you get into them :)#like back in the day i'd get that response and be like oh...i guess she's right...i guess i've just been fooled...rip#but now i'm like 1) you're wrong and TWO what a shitty thing to say to someone who's sharing what they're really excited about with you#like i see that and go ohhh that's why i'm like this. and so on#just validating i guess#like the fact that that's so par for the course for her and i never even realized it was asshole behavior until like. six months ago#until i started liviing and interacting with people who like. are nice people lmfao!#soup.txt
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#self-hatred hours again#i'm just kinda terrified#and i don't want to reach out to other people#because last time i did i vented too much and#now the person in question doesn't talk to me anymore#and my only other friend has enough problems#i mean#there's also the scary person who manipulated me so much#to the point where i'm terrified of being around her#but i dealt with it for a while because she made my friend happy#past tense#or the equally scary not-friend who lied to me then lied about lying#and i BELIEVED her#for so long#and she keeps emailing me and what did i do to deserve this#i'm done with everything#i tried hiding under a fluffy blanket and listening to music but i couldn't stop thinking long enough to hear one full song#being online is just making me sad and wishing i could go back in time and change everything#writing is just turning into projecting my issues onto one character and then making it very angsty#i just wish i didn't exist#none of my friends should have to deal with me#i just ruin everything
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Dude these fucking meds better be worth it I swear to every deity ever thought of
#hey is this a good time#like jesus christ why has this whole process been so STUPID#first it takes months to finally see the NP - which IS partly my fault for not calling sooner but I also didn't know what was going on#im pretty sure they just fucking lost my paperwork and when I called and said 'what's up' they just went 'oh shit' and had the NP do it#at the appointment (which is probably why it took so long); then I finally get to see the lady and it takes 30 minutes just to get into zoom#and then the appointment takes 2 HOURS TO GET THROUGH! my poor kid was stuck in his room until 5 pm cause I couldn't let him out!#he was SO GOOD putting up with it but I felt HORRIBLE! my boyfriend walked in and it still took like 5-10 minutes to finish up#and I was like 'great I'm just the fucking mother of the year right here aren't I'#so we left it off with her saying she could see SOME add symptoms but she 'didnt think I fully fit the criteria' cause 'the anxiety's worse'#nvm the fact that if we treat the inattentive adhd a lot of that anxiety would actually go away! but she's reluctant to put me on most adhd#meds cause they're stimulants and she doesn't want my anxiety to go haywire; I don't share this fear but whatever#so she emailed me the ADHD self assessment and said 'fill it out and email it back and we'll talk about it tomorrow I'll give you a call'#so I DID that. next day comes and goes and I hear nothing. yesterday I hear nothing. today im like 'fuck it I'll call when I can leave a#message cause I'm busy dealing with a cranky heathen of a toddler'. just my luck: she sent me a zoom invite literally right after my son#went in his room for his nap (that he didn't take cause he's a cranky heathen) and I NEVER got the email notification!#and I never received a phone call saying or anything! we didn't have anything scheduled for today!#so now I get to call and be like 'hey what the fuck' and I still might not even get meds I actually need!#it cannot be this fucking hard to just get mental help!! why the fuck is this so difficult!!#if I didn't feel like I actually needed medication to function I'd just walk away and say fuck it cause this is RIDICULOUS
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it would take me too long to explain the ways in which my boss is undermining me these days and making my job about 400 times more difficult than it fucking needs to be so all i’ll say is that i've been at work for two (2) hours after a restful, rejuvenating weekend and i already feel like bursting into tears
#but whatever maybe now that he's doing my fucking job for me#since apparently he's decided i'm too fucking incompetent to complete the tasks i was hired to complete#and which i have been completing for five fucking years at this point#maybe now he'll finally realize that it's not as fucking easy as he treats me like it is#oh weird you're getting bouncebacks on the distribution lists you made using the info on the schools' website directories???#it's almost like not every school keeps that info very up to date#and sometimes you have to call people specifically to get the most recent info#and if you'd been doing it for five years you'd know who those people were#it's almost like when you have 86 member schools not all of them are always going to let you know the moment things change#it's almost like you're always going to have bouncebacks no matter what#and it's not a sign that the list is bad or broken#bc believe it or not we get TENS FEWER bouncebacks than we used to and it's because of legwork i've done for five years#but sure go ahead do it yourself#overwrite my work#see what fucking happens#(what fucking happens is everyone is STILL going to get pissy with me every time a fucking email bounces back#because it couldn't be BILL'S fault. bill??? he's never done anything wrong in his life ever!!!!!!#and julia's a fucking airhead who makes stupid mistakes every day of her life!!! OBVIOUSLY her list somehow CONTAMINATED bill's!!!!!)#i want to pull a piece of ikea furniture apart with my bare fucking hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#work tag
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don't you just love it when your past mistakes you were actually working towards fixing only never got round to come back to bite you in the ass !! :) :) :)
#like i SO deserve it but please god no#basically i stopped talking to this girl who used to be one of my absolute best friends a few months ago because#idk both our lives were a mess and if i'm not talking to someone on a daily basis i lose track of time and never#write to them for absolutely ages (but she didn't write either apart from just something like okay when we#last talked but i'm not blaming her because i'm older and she's struggling with shit so i should have been the#one to reach out to her) anyways like a month ago i actually tried to go back to talking to some of my older#friends and started typing up an email for her too but my health went 📉📉📉 and while it was constantly on#my mind i never got round to actually finishing and sending it and felt super bad about it pretty much every day#and now two days ago she emails me saying hi you really disappeared i miss you this is what's going on with me#so i was like okay i can't drag this out any further so i started writing a reply but i was busy so i didn't quite#finish it. now today i get an email from her saying that she's disappointed but not surprised and she#knew she was just a replacement for another friend of mine and that i was just using her to complain and then#ditched her and it hurts so much#like do i deserve it? hell yes. is it true? hell no !! she was genuinely the second closest friend i made in these past#few years and i love her so much and before yes i fucked up and disappeared it definitely wasn't an one#sided friendship and while her anger i understand saying shit like this just feels like a knife to the heart and#it's honestly unfair i always tried my best to be there for her and help her and treasured her as a very close friend#and yeah i get where she's coming from with the bit about being a replacement but i never thought of her#that way and i'm kinda mad at her and kinda mad at myself for ever letting her think/feel like this#like yes call me out on my mistakes and hate me for them even if you wanna. but don't make up things about#the past that aren't true just to get back at me. bitch you know i love you and we were best friends don't throw#that away just so it fits your narrative#sorry i just needed to vent and one of her close friends follows my spam on instagram so this was the only place#i could rant about it without her possibly seeing it i just really needed to get this out of my system#angie talks
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i rewatched contagion all the way back in february when all this stuff was starting and nOW I’M GONNA REWATCH IT AGAIN TODAY
#back in feb my sister was stressing out about covid19#and all our students from china were emailing us asking for applicaiton extensions#and i was like 'oh man i'm supposed to go to china in april?? what's gonna happen??'#and i decided to really wallow in that feeling by watching contagion#and now i am 4 months into quarantining in south carolina#SO LET'S DO IT AGAIN#kat liveblogs her life#kat quarantines COVID19#contagion
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How in the fuck has it been a week already--
#don't reblog thanks#shut up delta no one cares#I haven't said much about the whole pandemic thing so now's as good a time as any#classes have basically been cancelled#university is supposed to be moving em online but the two I'm taking are pretty much. not happening#English prof is sending lesson plans and having us email assignments to her#but Sociology is. pretty much Done since the whole Point of lectures is to discuss back n forth with the prof#so I'm stuck at home on my laptop p much 24/7#sleep schedule is Fucked#parents are still going to work and doing stuff from home#nobody is Sick thankfully (though I Just got over a stupid bad cold/laryngitis)#it's a weird mix of ''oh god what the fuck'' and. totally normal
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i would probably be done with this essay by now, because its on a topic i can reasonably speak about and also picked myself, there aren’t any citation requirements, and i’m at home and not on campus where i’m more likely to get distracted but
it has to be entirely in german
so i haven’t started yet
#tomorrow i'll make a list of my points in english and work on it#it only has to be 3 pages#but its due on the 13th and i've had at least two weeks to work on it but haven't#and now i have to write a short reflection thing for band#which is only one page#and actually very easy but godddd do i not want to write essays#also i should probably email about turning in my instrument when i'm back on campus#to get the rest of my stuff next week#hm have a few other emails i need to send#like if my advisor never gets back to me on the question i've sent twice now#i have to contact the professors directly#and hope they respond but idk if they will or not#and in that case i go to her walk in hours maybe??? over zoom???#so i can finish signing up for classes before the year ends#lots to do and i don't want to do any of it!#blue talks
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I’ve been awake since 3:45am (it is now 7:49pm) and I’m at that point of tiredness where everything feels surreal.
... and I’m not even done with work yet T_T
#first dog had diarrhea bc of anti-inflammatory meds bc his hygromas + 1 cyst burst open the other day#poor bean was just *blood everywhere*#then cat had diarrhea bc of new food even though i transitioned her carefully over a 7 day period#she screams when i clean her butt so she got bear up and he wanted to go to the bathroom again#then as soon as i lay down cat threw up bile#then i had diarrhea#then i had my 8 hour straight work-day#all driving and walking and keeping up with multiple young energetic dogs aka. HERDING TODDLERS#i drive about 80 miles a day around the city#(no lunch break no bathroom break no food from breakfast at 7am until lunch/dinner at 5pm)#then i took dog and cat to the vet#i just got back like 30 min ago#fed them dinner#now i have to do the email/paperwork part of my job. prob another hour.#and then i can finally shower (i'm soaked through 'cause it was pouring today) and drink my second glass of water for today#and maybe pass out?#uninterrupted?? fingers crossed???#endosorb i am begging you. please.#ahh the glorious life of a pet care provider with a multi-animal household XD
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i just want another DOG ok
#do you underSTAND?#the papillon search is not going well#and the breeder I thought maybe I was signed up with hasn't responded to my email#granted I was slow responding to hers but I didn't feel it needed a response#then I realised I should have responded out of politeness#anyway now I don't know what's going on#I am afraid to email about the ads I see bc honestly all I am asking at this point is price#all the breeders do the same health testing and so on#but some of them charge DOUBLE#and it just#annoys me?#why do some breeders insist on $2000 when another breeder is doing all the same checks for $1500 or $1000?#blah blah blah responsible breeders and health testing and whatever the fuck#I'm sure you're making your money back with $2k a puppy jesus#anyway everyone gets offended if you open with 'How much?'#but it gets tedious having to prove my worth to all these random people#and then turn around and make some excuse because their dog is too expensive#I am being budget conscious ok#it's absurd to me to spend an extra thousand dollars#when I have so many other expenses to factor in#also like not to bring weight into it#but these dogs weigh like 3kg#I'm not saying charge by the kilo#but also...#(I am being facetious)#(in case that is not obvious)
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truly I need to quit my job lol
#i had to go to the owner's main store today to run some items for customers (on my day off) and y'all. When I get there my aunt is on the#phone with the manager.. she has the volume turned up and i can hear the manager going on and on about how thoroughly i've overwhelmed her#and this that + the other. my aunt turns the corner and realizes i'm waiting at the front desk for her and like! turns the volume fucking#down! and then i got reprimanded for leaving her notes on the order forms explaining what to do/ in the emails notating what i'm taking care#of and what she needs to handle when she's back in.#which like???? would you rather have been left for dead? because I can certainly do that next time if it's easier for you to try and figure#everything out by yourself!#I'm like ok sorry I'm heading over to the manager's store after this so like i apologize + i'll explain everything she needs me to explain#when i get there. so I go over to the manager's store and i'm like hey hey! i'm here now! c: what can I help with?#and I find out. she's not at All overwhelmed by the notes i left on the order forms#literally the only thing she needed help with was two emails that I'm taking care of from home + left notes saying I was going to finish#them at home (in like. 72 point bolded + underlined all caps!)#so like! she was complaining to my aunt over nothing!! i got in trouble for nothing!#seriously i wanted to fucking imPLODE. like!! dude i could call my aunt to complain about every single thing you do but like!!! I don't!#I don't make you look bad in front of the owners! and the other thing too is that I told her last night that I left notes to help catch her#up + that she could call or text me if she needed any help with literally anything. instead she decides to call my aunt to rag on me :-)#absolutely stellar! :D i'm going to fucking lose my mind over this store. family business is a joke lol#like. i put in so much time this week to make sure things were as normal as they could before she came back this week. i literally worked an#entire day yesterday (on my day off!) to make sure she'd be caught up#and like my notes were not super convoluted. I asked my mom to read over them (my mom doesn't work at the store) and even she was like yeah#that makes sense#so like!!! what went wrong!#ughhhhh i'm going to implode#sriracha.txt#//#vent
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Right now I’m mentally lying face down on the ground and screaming in frustration at the entire world because I’m not allowed to have anything go my way apparently.
#I'm supposed to have a virtual therapy appointment today at 8#but my counselor didn't actually put it in the appointment scheduler so I can sign in#i had to send her an email yesterday to let her know that she's pretty much my only hope in getting my short term disability claim approved#which i also have not heard back on#i'm hoping it's just that she hasn't looked at it yet and is going to read all her emails here in a minute and be like#oh damn gotta do that and put the appointment in there so we can do this whole thing#but I am not exactly feeling super confident in any of this right now#I'm probably not going to get my paperwork filled out on time#and i probably won't get my claim approved so i won't have any income for any of this#which means i'm absolutely *fucked* on every count#hence why I'm still reblogging that post where I need financial help#because fuck me apparently#i'm angry and annoyed and honestly i just want everything to fucking work in my favor for one goddamn minute#i'd prefer it be longer than a minute but i'll take what i can get at this point
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