#I'm gonna now throw away myself in the void

[ltash]

Hide and Seek

In the mortal world, when I thought you were my enemy, I still missed you." "My sweet nemesis, how glad I am that you returned."

"Aye! Before you hide, tell me," he asked, curiosity in his voice. "The sniper you bought has a long range. Why'd ya need that? I mean, y'could have got a short range one."

"You'll know soon enough," I replied with a wink. "I'm gonna hide now."

With that, I turned and ran towards the back, adrenaline pumping as I searched for the perfect hiding spot.

I made my way towards the back, realizing that hiding inside the mansion wouldn't be a good idea. "Underground parking," I decided, throwing my slippers into the bushes and quietly making my way to the entrance.

I reached the end of the stairs, and the parking area was brightly lit with hundreds of LED lights on the ceiling. A line of exotic cars stretched out before me, mostly sports cars, offering no suitable hiding spots beneath them.

At the last spot, I saw my G-Wagon. "Yes!" I exclaimed softly, running over and lying under the car.

I giggled to myself, confident that Ghost would assume I was hiding somewhere inside the mansion. He would have no idea that I was here, tucked away under a car.

I waited and waited. Fifteen minutes had passed, and my anticipation was starting to give way to nervous excitement.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps approaching downstairs.

"Luvvie!" Ghost called out.

"Love!" he called again, playfully.

"I know you're here. C'mon out," he said.

I saw his boots as he methodically checked the interiors of the cars through their windows, one by one. I couldn't stop giggling, so I put my hand over my mouth to stifle the sound. The thrill of being so close yet hidden added to the excitement of the game.

"C'mon out, love," he chuckled. "You're in here, innit?" he called, his voice echoing slightly in the underground parking.

He then approached the G-Wagon and took a look inside.

"Not here too. C'mon, where are you, luvvie?" he asked again, sounding amused and slightly puzzled.

I held my breath, trying to remain completely silent, my heart racing as he stood so close. The thrill of almost being found made the moment even more exhilarating.

"Don't play these little games with me, eh?" he said, his voice tinged with playful warning. "Choices have consequences."

"Okay! I'm going out. You come out when you feel like," he added, and I saw him heading back to the stairs.

I sighed in relief and relaxed, laying there for a moment, thinking I'd won this round. But knowing Ghost, I stayed vigilant, expecting the unexpected.

I waited another five minutes, and just as I decided to emerge, the lights went out with a low hum.

My breath caught in my throat, and my heart began to race. I was alone in the parking lot, now enveloped in an impenetrable darkness. The silence was profound, and the shadows seemed to close in around me, amplifying the suspense and excitement of the game.

The darkness and deafening silence freaked me out. I knew it was him—he had switched off the lights. With no other choice, I slowly slipped out from beneath the car.

I had no idea where I was because everything was pitch black. Disoriented, I tried to find my bearings, feeling the walls as I moved cautiously through the inky void.

My hands touched the bonnet of the car, and I recognized it, giving me a hint of my location. Slowly, I used it as a guide, inching my way towards what I hoped was the exit. The familiarity of the car provided a small comfort amidst the overwhelming darkness.

A sudden rush of fear caught me, and I stood still where I was. My breath quickened, and I strained to hear any sound in the oppressive silence. The darkness felt even more suffocating, and I couldn't shake the feeling that Ghost was somewhere close, watching me.

I closed my eyes, straining to hear any noise coming my way. All I could hear was breathing.

His breathing.

From a distance, it grew louder and closer with each passing second. My heart pounded in my chest as the anticipation and fear mingled, creating a thrilling tension in the pitch-black parking lot.

There were no footsteps, only the sound of his breaths growing closer. He got nearer until he stood directly behind me, his body pressing against mine like a solid brick wall. Heat radiated from him, warming my back.

My heart pounded in my chest. He leaned in, his masked lips grazing my neck.

"Gotcha, luvvie!" he whispered in my ear.

Slowly, I turned around to face him. In the pitch-black darkness, only the skull of his mask was visible, shining eerily.

"Now, I'll take what's mine," his thick British voice echoed.

"And what exactly is that?" I whispered, my voice trembling with anticipation.

"You," he replied, the single word resonating with possessive intensity.

"So, is it your room or mine?" he asked, his voice dripping with playful menace.

I tried to run, but he swiftly wrapped his hands around my arms, pulling me towards him. My back hit his solid chest, and with effortless strength, he lifted me onto his shoulder.

I couldn't help but giggle. "Si-Simon!" I laughed, the thrill of the moment making me giddy.

"Laugh as much as you can, love," he said while carrying me upstairs. His grip was firm yet gentle, and the rhythm of his steps was steady. My giggles echoed through the house, mingling with the excitement and anticipation of what was to come.

He opened the door to his room and closed it with a push of his foot. Gently, he set me down on the bed and stood before me, his imposing figure silhouetted against the dim light. The atmosphere was charged with an electrifying intensity, and I could feel the anticipation building between us.

I stood up and walked towards the dresser, where I saw his lighter and a cigarette box. I turned on the lighter and began to light the scented candles arranged around the room. Their warm, soothing scent soon enveloped the space, creating an intimate and tranquil atmosphere.

He came to me and gently held my hand, guiding me to the mirror. Standing behind me, his towering and broad frame made me look even smaller in comparison. His eyes were fixed on my reflection in the mirror.

"Look at you. Pretty little thing," he murmured, leaning in and resting his chin on my shoulder. His breath was warm against my skin.

"What did I do to deserve you?" he asked, his arms wrapping securely around my tiny waist, pulling me closer. The intimacy of the moment was overwhelming, filling me with a deep sense of connection and affection.

My knees felt weak with him so close. I could feel his growing arousal pressing at my lower back through the think silk fabric of my slip dress. The heat between us was palpable, and the anticipation made my heart race even faster.

"I laid my eyes on you, and I need you, Ghost," I whispered, turning my face towards him. Our faces were merely inches apart, his masked visage veiled in shadow. The intensity of our proximity sent a shiver down my spine, and I could feel the raw desire building between us.

"Even after coming to know what I do? Who I am?" he whispered in my ear, his voice heavy with the weight of his confession. "I am a killer. I kill people. I have blood on my hands."

He looked at my face in the mirror and showed me his gloved hands which I gently held in mine interwining his fingers with mine.

"You do it for your country, not for your own satisfaction. I only know you as my protector, who doesn't care about his life but mine," I added, my words filled with understanding and acceptance. Despite the darkness of his past, I saw the light within him, the unwavering dedication to his duty and the love he held for me.

"You do what is right. You get your hands dirty so that the world stays clean. You are the bravest soul I know," I said, turning around to look into his eyes.

In that moment, I saw not just the man behind the mask, but the hero who sacrificed everything for the greater good.

My admiration for him only grew stronger, knowing the depth of his convictions and the sacrifices he made for others.

"Everything that comes near me gets destroyed. I'm afraid I will end up destroying you too," he said, his voice tinged with sorrow and fear.

I reached out and gently cupped his face in my hands, looking deeply into his eyes. "You've already shown me more love and protection than I ever thought possible. And I'm willing to stand by your side, no matter what challenges come our way. Together, we can face anything," I reassured him.

I gazed into his eyes, my heart overflowing with love and longing. "I want you to make me yours, mark me, hide me from the world," I confessed, laying bare my deepest desires.

In that moment, I yearned for nothing more than to be wholly his, to be enveloped in his love and protection, shielded from the harshness of the outside world.

He touched his forehead to mine, and his words resonated in the quiet space between us. "All the women who came into my life were just a one-night stand. I never thought any woman would fall in love with me, but you," he paused, his voice filled with emotion, "you are still untouched."

"I want to devour you, but once I start, I cannot stop. But I will never hurt you," he confessed, his vulnerability laying bare the depths of his desire and the weight of his past. In that moment, I understood the gravity of his words and the sincerity of his intentions.

Tears welled up in my eyes, my breath becoming shaky as emotions overwhelmed me. My lips quivered with the intensity of my longing. "I just want you. I need you right now," I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper.

My heart pounding with anticipation and desire, knowing that in that moment, I was ready to surrender myself completely to him.

"If loving you means my destruction then let it be."

"I love you Simon." I said.

Full story on Wattpad.

Part 1 on Tumblr.

[cosmicdream222]

have you entered the void before?

I'm asking cause I've seen you post about it a bunch times with different methods to enter

Also, thank you for introducing me to the phase method! I'm using it and another method (one I created) to enter

Hey! Glad to hear the Phase has been helpful for you! Happy to answer your question, but it’s a bit more complicated than a yes/no answer and I’m feeling rambly today so you’re gonna get a whole backstory on how this blog came to be 😂

Backstory about me & this blog

I’d been in the personal development manifestation community since around 2016, and it was my life for a long time. But the kind of manifesting these people taught was basically like… wake up at 5am, work out, journal, meditate, shadow work, tarot cards, affirmations, cold showers, start a business, post no less than 10 times a day across your 5+ social media channels, and maybe if you hustle hard enough and cleared enough past life karma and Mercury isn’t retrograde, then the universe might grant your wishes... (if you don’t die of exhaustion first. 😅)

It really was a mess and realize now despite the facade of positive thinking and good vibes, the whole community really just keeps themselves identifying with lack & victim mentality so the coaches at the top profit off everyone else’s misery.

I believed in manifesting and had faith I would achieve my goals, but despite years of trying a million different things, only saw small or short-term successes and never seemed to get anywhere. I was feeling pretty burnt out and miserable, so summer 2023 I decided to stop trying so hard and just spend some time focused on myself and what I wanted. I went back to the two methods that I’ve always loved and had success with: affirmations and tapping.

I tapped every day and started making affirmation art and lockscreen wallpaper for fun. I posted the affirmations on Pinterest, which eventually lead me to finding affirmations pinned from tumblr. I think it was a screenshot from blushydior I saw at first, but her blog was deactivated by then. So I started stumbling around tumblr (around Aug-Sept 2023 at this point), where I eventually came across loa, the void, and shifting.

I was surprised because despite my extreme research into all things personal development & spiritual, I’d never heard of it. Although I’d read about quantum physics and more supernatural things, every coach/teacher had major limits. “Manifesting” only meant getting logical earth things like making 6 figures in your business through hard work and hustle so you can afford to travel and buy luxury cars & Chanel bags. Stuff like changing the past, waking up with all your desires, etc was absolutely impossible and not even talked about except “you can’t change the past”.

So having only heard about these incredible overnight life-changing manifestations from tumblr, I was skeptical and wanted more information. I basically started this blog to collect information from outside tumblr to prove it to myself and share with others. Which of course sent me down a rabbit hole of research and overconsumption and overcomplicating the void 😅

I did get kinda obsessed and throw myself into trying every shifting & void method I saw right away, which just left me frustrated with “failed” attempts. But I see now I was just repeating the same victim mentality from the old community - that everything had to be hard and a struggle, that I was a victim of circumstance and limited by a higher power. (This is also a really commonly held limiting belief in religion and society in general that affects many people.)

It took me more than a few months to realize, but I’m finally switching my default programming to that of a creator instead of a victim. Because I don’t want to be obsessed and put the void on a pedestal, I’m currently just working on my self concept that I am in control of my reality and can manifest whatever I want - with or without the void. I still do want to experience it of course, just want to make sure I’m going at it with a healthy mindset.

However!

About a week or two ago I read someone’s void success story that triggered a memory from many years ago: I realized I actually did wake up in the void and manifested something, long before I even knew what manifesting or the void was 😭 Because I’d always believed in supernatural things, I thought I had a “psychic dream” but now I know it was the void! (If anyone wants storytime I can make another post with more detail).

And since at the time, I entered without even knowing about the void’s existence, I realize we here or tumblr really do overcomplicate it. Like the video I posted where the void is described as the midway point between wake and sleep - it really is that simple!

I’ve noticed now that whenever I wake up naturally (not getting woken up by an alarm, outside noise, or cat jumping on me) I do always seem to wake up in the void. It’s the same kind of experience, and I don’t hear anything, but my first natural instinct when I wake up is to wonder where the sounds of my environment are. So I end up tuning in to my room and snapping out of the void.

I guess I just have to train myself to make my first thought an affirmation for my desires instead of just wondering where the sounds are 😅 But regardless, now I know it’s absolutely real and possible for me, I know it’s only a matter of time until I figure it out!

[snakegorl212006]

Chapter 1 pt 1

I stood upon a plane black as night. Within the blackened void stood a pair of evil's eyes full with malisse. The being roared as a golden light stood behind me. Before I could figure out who it was, I stood back in Ninjago city.

"This one bedroom one half bath is a cozy dream" the realtor said as she showed us around "who needs extras when everything is at arms reach" she continued "this looks uh.. Promising” Cole committed. I slightly sighed as I stood in the hallway "you look tired" Lloyd said "you guessed right. Defeating the Devourer who happens to be your mom leaves your brain in shambles" I replied "then you should rest! Every ninja should get proper sleep" Lloyd suggested "a ninja?" I questioned "ya, you're one of us now. A ninja and a hero" Lloyd answered I smiled. The realtor lured us to a much greater suit which had eight bedrooms. The only reason why we got it is because of the training facility. After that the ninja got day jobs and were out most of the day. The following week I was helping Lloyd by holding the punching bag. The ninja came in and all I heard was their complaints over their jobs. I sighed and headed over and looked at the jar. They're barely halfway there. "Um. Do you need anything like some extra cash"  I asked. "We'll be ok. I'll be working overtime and doing our parts. You should be training with Lloyd but can you fetch me some more ice" Cole asked and I nodded, slithering away to get more ice. The next day arrives and the ninja are off to work. I made us some.lunch for Lloyd and I. Then I heard the TV turn on so I peaked though to see Lloyd playing a video game. He groans in disappointment. I made him Ramen and I got myself a sandwich, then I made my way over to him and sat down to watch him play. I relaxed after giving him his food. As he played I saw something on the screen 'skales' I thought. Assuming Lloyd saw the same thing as he turned to the window and gasped. Without a second thought I pressed numbers on the pad as Lloyd is trying to open the door by force. I heard a breaking of glass and I turned around to see that scales had successfully infuriated the room. "What do you want with me?" Lloyd asked "You seem to be the only thing your father cares about. But with you as my hostage he'll have no choice but to let me lead the Serpentine" scales explained as he grew closer. I pulled out a knife I snagged from the kitchen but he still grows closer "let's train" scales said. "Hello what's going on in there" Wu called which gave me a perfect opportunity to attack Skales. He hissed at my advice and attacks back but I dodge and, using my tail,end up throwing him out the same window he came in. I sighed as Wu and Nya entered "Angela !" Lloyd called as he came to my aid "are you alright" he asked "ya.. just a bit winded. I'm never gonna attempt a flip again" I said as I flopped on my back "and my tail hurts" I mumbled ,resting my eyes then ending up taking a nap. I wake up in the back of a truck as the ninja was moving things inside a building. I'm guessing they moved out of the other place because of what happened "good evening Angeal, how was your rest" zane asked "better I'm just a little bit sore but I'm fine" i replied brushing my back. I sat up and stretch "i just need some food in my belly then I'm good" i said as i slithered off the truck to assist in transporting my things.

[thelivingautomaton]

so lately i've been curing my brainrot by listening to audiobooks while i crochet, the result being that i have gotten really, really into the wheel of time (which i've previously bounced off of like, 3 separate times) and also been tweeting about it. anyway i have finished the first book and simply must scream into the void about it

jesus, okay, where do i even begin. let's talk about characters

so i KNEW that mat was gonna be The Character Of All Time going right in, i am self-aware enough about what kinds of blorbos i enjoy (read: cocky roguish guy who is actually a sopping wet cat of a man and uses snark to obscure deep-seated angst and/or doubt in himself, his identity, and his goodness). and i do have an affection for mat at this point

although ngl it kind of totally went over my head when i last tried to read these books that he is also? kind of a dick this early on? though to be fair he was having his soul eaten by an evil dagger for like, two-thirds of the book

that being said. what i did NOT expect was for the dark horse surprise contenders for Character Of All Time to be nynaeve and rand

nynaeve is literally the funniest, pettiest bitch ever and i love her SO MUCH. literally what if you were a preternaturally gifted healer and given a position of authority at a very young age so you had a complex about it, but that complex manifests itself as a bullheaded stubborn drive to Take Care Of Your People, and you are ready to throw hands with every magic lady Jedi on the way because you are fueled by Pure Unadulterated Spite at all times

every time she'd try to start a catty slap fight with moiraine and moiraine would just, like, sip her tea unbothered? now THAT'S comedy

sidenote, dear lord do these characters drink a lot of tea. do they have coffee in this nebula. do they have new world crops. i feel like someone must have mentioned potatoes. where was i

oh my god, rand. RAND. literally WHAT IF you were a farmboy from the ass-end of nowhere and you get pulled into this fantastical adventure like a hero from legend, but you spend 700 pages having all of your assumptions about the world and yourself systemically questioned and tested and broken down. and the whole time you're holding onto the hope of going home and going back to the way things were, until you experience the crushing weight of the Hero's Journey and the fact that you can never really go home (read: go back to the simple life and the way things used to be) ever again

EXCEPT!!! THAT THERE IS ALSO WONDER AND EXCITEMENT AND CURIOSITY TOO!!! like, obviously i loved all the times that rand and the other farm kids are agog seeing different parts of the world (especially the cities -- dude, i LOVE the setup for caemlyn) but literally one of my favorite scenes was when rand is on the spray sitting at the top of the mast and he just starts laughing aloud for the freedom and joy of it all. the journey will be long and terrible and arduous but it's so important to show that there are bright moments on the way too. i'm going to puke

also there's a few moments between rand and the dark one (ba'alzamon? bro idk how anything is spelled) that were so *chef's kiss*, like rand telling him "i belong to myself" or in their big fight when he screams that he'll never be a hound for the dark one. more generally i love the emphasis placed on the importance and power of people taking a stand, even if they know it's futile. ESPECIALLY if they know it's futile. (there was this line from moiraine like "the wheel weaves as the wheel wills, but i refuse to believe it weaves an end to all hope". waugh)

also i know the reveal that rand can channel was telegraphed from a mile away but i ain't even mad about it because i feel like the setup was done so nicely. you get a scene of moiraine explaining to nynaeve about how channeling feels the first time you do it (i.e. you have the greatest need you've ever known, then a week later your body has a delayed reaction that feels like a weird flu), you get rand and mat escaping whitebridge via improbable lightning strikes, then you get rand coming down with a weird flu. like, idk, i like it when creators set up dominoes and i as a reader can SEE the dominoes getting set up and i get to go like, hoohoohoo, can't wait for those to get knocked down!

unsurprisingly since rand and nynaeve are my two favs i also am enamored with their dynamic. maybe it's because you're in rand's head the most in this book, and so it's the closest you as a reader are to seeing a straightforward platonic relationship between a male and female character? but okay like, listen. nynaeve is the FIRST PERSON (maybe the only person rn??) rand shares his fears with re: tam not being his dad and him not knowing who he is. and nynaeve immediately reassures him that it doesn't matter, she saw tam and kari with him and she KNOWS they loved him like any father and mother

or like, the scene when rand overhears lan and nynaeve having their whole Dramatic Star-Crossed Romance (which is like, cool, but also, can't wait for lan to get over his TTRPG Tragic Backstory [affectionate] and kiss her already), and the chapter ends with a line like "Rand closed his eyes. He did not think the Wisdom would like it if he saw her cry." good GOD!

how old are these kids supposed to be anyway. like i know nynaeve is older by a few years and she's...24? so are the rest 18-20ish? oh my god you guys, they're KIDS

i'm sure i will have more thoughts about the other characters as these books progress and shit continues to pop off and Get Funky (especially relevant vis a vis perrin going full wolf mode and egwene learning how to be an aes sedai). also i love how often it's repeated that people from the two rivers are The Most Stubborn People Alive, and how rand holds onto that as part of his identity (re: envisioning hardy two rivers soil)

now let us talk about the world because OH MY GOD

one of the things that definitely stuck with me was the secret hidden lore re: "this is actually post-post-post apocalyptic earth", cf. thom telling stories about "lenn flying to the skies in an eagle made of fire" and "salya walking among the stars", because it is so fucking insane as a concept and jordan does it REALLY WELL, in the sense that any references to "our" earth are so oblique and indirect that they're barely comprehensible, which is as it should be if these books take place a whole two ages later

but it's also such a perfect excuse/reason to deliberately echo and make homage to myths and stories that we as readers are familiar with, the most obvious being the legend of artur hawkwing (and also half of our main cast having arthurian-esque names). something something george lucas saying that it's like poetry, it rhymes

the part that really dropped me flat on my ass though was when perrin and egwene and elyas are leaving the tinkers and elyas LITERALLY recites anglican catechism at them ("as it once was, so shall it ever be, world without end"), reader i screamed

that being said. i do kind of wish there was more Weird Religion Bullshit. i mean it makes sense that the cosmology and people's theological beliefs are pretty universal (given that it's a Canonical Big Deal Historical Event that the embodiment of evil punched a hole in reality and made magic evil and fucked up for men forever), but like. where is the variety! where is the spice! where are the religious freaks! give me religious freaks!!!

however this is ameliorated by the fantastic variety in cultures/societies/stories, and also the overarching theme of "the world has moved on from what it once was". like, everything with loial (also strong contender for Supporting Character Of All Time) talking about the groves and how different the world is from what he'd read about in the stedding! the entire scene with the green man (which still makes me feel completely fucking insane, just btw)! perrin and egwene at the ruined statue of artur hawkwing! moiraine telling the people of emond's field about manetheren! WHEWWWWWWWWWW

like, it really does give you this sense of history and loss. but also i hope that as the books go on it gets more into, like, "okay, the world has moved on and nothing will ever be as it once was. so what are we going to do with the world we have? how are we going to keep it safe and let it grow?"

sidenote: the tragedy of listening to the audiobooks is that i can't flip back to look at the map or the glossary if i start getting a little lost 😭 help i just want to get everything Right in my head

i also feel like jordan does a fantastic job of like...getting the reader further and further into the more fantastical or impactful elements of the world step by careful step and pacing out how he escalates the characters' importance to the world. does this make any sense.

like, baerlon -> whitebridge -> caemlyn is a steady stepwise escalation in Experiencing A City. and the one-two-three combo of loial explaining ta'veren to rand + rand overhearing a farmer gossip about queen morgase and her family + the repeated references to seeing the false dragon in caemlyn all leads perfectly into rand falling into the garden and the entire chapter with elayne and gawyn and morgase. (side note: this chapter was fucking incredible, good god i am obsessed with royal political bullshit.) OR having all these moments of the characters with moiraine to establish her nature, then providing an immediate contrast with the introduction of elaida as the "other" aes sedai. DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. it's dominoes, baby

okay i have a few other miscellaneous thoughts

i fucking love how unapologetically trope-y these books are. it is so crunchy. not just vis a vis the hero's journey, but also, like, all the repeated motifs? spooky symbolic dream sequences? excerpts from in-universe writings and poetry? Foreshadowing Via Fortune-Telling? chef's kiss

also, dude, i love that robert jordan really dropped all of the fucking symbols for the next who knows how many books into three paragraphs via min. he knew the girlies would go crazy for this. AND HE WAS RIGHT

same goes for the whole concept of ta'veren, like i know on the surface it's kind of a goofy concept that you are Assigned Main Character At Birth by the wheel/the pattern, but also like. this man knew people on tumblr would be obsessing over characters doomed/haunted by narratives 30 years after these books were published. his third eye was OPEN

in a bizarre way so much of the story elements and pacing feels like a d&d campaign. mat is the rogue who picks up stuff he really shouldn't. perrin is a barbarian that accidentally took a level in druid. lan is the dm's npc blorbo with the intricately detailed tragic backstory that gets dumped on the players all at once (this is affectionate i swear). do you see what i'm saying

hi i love these books a lot already and i can't wait for them to get even more insane. thanks 4 ur time

[princesseusminki]

Homeless | Park Seonghwa

Chapter 2.

Disclaimer ! Sexual harassment and disturbing scene! Reader discretion's are advised

He was hanging the clothes outside the house while I was sitting on the table figuring out his issues. He looks happy somehow this morning, I can see the smile on his face. Far from last night pleading expression. What was I thinking right of the bat? Accepting him to stay here, well the pitiful looks definitely works.

"Do you need anything to sort out more?" Huh. I didn't realise he was done with the chores until he caught me off guard. " Ah not yet...Seonghwa let's eat and...talk" Suddenly I can see the sadness washed over his face again. I didn't have anything except ramen, forgot to restock my groceries. "Sorry, ramen is the only foods I have right now". Looking sheepishly. "Don't worry...it's better than nothing". Right. He slurped the ramen so was I. " What actually happened?".

"Fucking twat look ahead would you" he looks like he about to throw punch at me, I put my arms front, defending myself before it's getting worse. "Dude cmon leave him alone". A spit spewed right onto my head. I didn't meant to hit him. My vision was blurry right after I went out from the room. Cold water hitting my face, as I looking myself onto the mirror, a tear of cries sliding my face. "I was looking for you, you know, cmon along now, entertain me". "Apology, madam I'm preoccupied now". I just want to run away and end everything now. "What is that mean?, I fucking paid you". "Go find another whore for you to pay around". I walked away from the bathroom before I felt sting behind my back and my visions turning void.

I woke up surrounded by a white senile wallpaper with a hint disgusting drought medicine smell. "You're lucky we found you". So I did faint. " We're just gonna keep it simple, nothing happened and you're gonna come back, all compensated through the medical bills". I preferably look distant. " hey, did you get it". "Im quitting" . I can feel the palpitations session inside my heartbeat as I spewing it.

A smudge reaction thrown, " Is it a fucking joke? Didn't know you can make one, always looks serious". " You're not quitting, you know why?". As he gripping harshly on my ward coat. "You're fucking pathetic, whilst no one helps you except us, taking you on the street looking rugs". " I still see that 9 years old scared child staring at me".

They said life always has options regardless, but I wish i did back when i was a child. Mom and dad died when i was 9, sending into orphanage care centre was the last choices since no ones want me. So I ran away. Tried to make the end-meets each everyday from scrap, either ways it didn't work out well until I met Kim Myeong-Gil. He was everything to me, my saviour, my guardians angel; who helped me while no one else did. That's until my chastity was imposed.

He said the job is basically to assist people. It was handful work at first that's until, I got forced and raped. Sometimes it was men and women. I didn't know what it was at first. All I know I want to die; it was such dark and trapped, I had nowhere to go. That until i managed to run away from the torture endangerment of the place and met the most profound souls girl.

Kim Iseul.

[deceptive-daydreams]

Till Death Do Us Apart

Eddie x Reader

1.6K Words

Warnings - Upside Down, dark thoughts, very sad

A/N - I was listening to this song and couldn’t help myself 🥲 also i posted this wrong before so I'm reposting

Masterlist

If death meant spending eternity with Eddie Munson then whatever came next didn’t seem so scary.  Any afterlife you were subject to would be your heaven if he was there.  The earthquakes rattling the ground and bracing the world around it to crumble soon wouldn’t matter, the flashes of red and screeches of creatures unknown would be gone if you’d just succumb to your inevitable death—if you’d just stop fighting it.  No more hive mind, no more eerie atmosphere of darkness and destruction, the anxiety could stop, your heart wouldn’t pump faster than it was capable of because you simply wouldn’t exist and that sounded euphoric right about now.  

There was no chance from this point, the sky was quite literally falling to pieces at yours and Eddie’s feet, you were separated from the others, not even the slightest idea of where they’d ended up and if they too were experiencing the end of the world.  If they got lucky and found a way out it was lost on you, there was no communication once in The Upside Down.  Eddie’s eyes feigned terror while he clutched the shield he made from a garbage can lid in one hand and a spear in the other, your hands shook as you attempted to formulate some kind of last resort plan in your head.  There wasn’t one.  

The ground violently rumbled, sending your bodies flying backwards as you stood outside Eddie’s trailer, the version from hell that didn’t actually belong to him.  No, this was the one that was stuck back in 1983 that was full of forgotten items and precious memories, the closest thing he’ll get to saying goodbye to Wayne.  The gate inside was sealed, leaving you an Eddie scavenging for a way out only to find there wasn’t.  Mouth dry, stomach churning in horror, and legs wobbling beneath you, you stumbled up the steps of the trailer for some temporary shelter, Eddie seconds behind you as a cold sweat dripped down his face.  With the door slamming shut, you’re met with a cold and lifeless room devoid of any life or the warmth of the Munson home you were used to.  It was like being trapped in space and time, a void that was endless.  

Eddie emptied the contents of his stomach in the corner without a second thought, the turmoil was too much for him and his brain was screaming in fight or flight, not able to differentiate between the two and ultimately overwhelming him to the point of nausea.  Although you were in your own bubble of frightening thoughts and horrible outcomes, you’d taken to providing him as much comfort as you could, a hand stroking up and down his back shakily as you pulled his dangling strands of hair back.  “It’s okay, it’s okay.”  You breathe heavily, lying to him and to yourself.  “I’ve got you, Eddie.  I’ve got you.”  That wasn’t a lie.  He began dry heaving while the trailer shook vigorously from the outside elements, tears streaming down his face, guaranteed to originate from his fear and not only from puking.  His chest heaved while he clung to the wall for support.  “I don’t wanna die.”  He chokes out, spit dripping from his lip, he’d never appeared more like a scared little boy in his life, even in his traumatic childhood.  “I know I said I wanted to earlier, I know what I said.”  Voice helpless as it cracks, he shakes his head in misery.  You flash back to your conversation earlier and his statement that had rendered you speechless and made your heart throb as if it were a raw wound.

I know this is gonna sound fucked up but dying doesn’t seem like such a bad thing, y’know?  I don’t have much else to live for outside of this.  They’ll just throw me in prison and everyone else will move on and what?  I just rot away?  At least this way I go out looking like I stood for somethin’

His sobs in the tiny trailer only added salt to the wound, he never could have it easy, even during the end of the world.  “I know, baby.  I know you don’t, I don’t either.”  You begin to let the hot tears consume you, bringing him in by the collar of his leather jacket and wrapping your arms around his waist.  “It’s not fair.”  A whisper with an unsteady voice finds his ear.  “It was never supposed to be like this.”  You tell him, squeezing him as if he could disappear at any moment.  “I’m sorry you got caught up in all of this.  I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” You blabber, tears soaking the surface of his jacket, his body shaking against you while he grips the back of your shirt.  His broken voice speaks up suddenly.  “Stop apologizing, don’t you apologize to me.”  He grits his teeth.  “You never did anything wrong.  I’m the one that ran away.  I’m the one who got us here.  If I could sacrifice myself and know you would get home safe tonight I would but you’re stuck here because of me and you don’t deserve it.  You don’t deserve a damn thing I’ve put you through.”  It makes you feel sick the way he puts the blame on himself as if you didn’t actively follow him into the pits of hell on your own.  “Shhhh.  Eddie, not now.  Don’t do this now.”  You pull away and cup his cheeks in your hands, the pads of your fingers melting with his tears.  

You both knew your fates and it terrified you but also brought you a strange sense of peace.  The way Eddie’s doe eyes looked at you knowing he was living his last moments had you crying harder, nose pressing to his as if to drink every part of him before the world imploded.  “Let’s—let’s n-not dwell on everything w-we couldn’t change.  Just lay with me, okay?”  It’s your final request for him in this life and he obliges, nodding his head as his tears and snot mix with yours, his forehead pressed to yours.  “Okay.”  He sniffles, squeezing his eyes shut before grabbing your hand in his and leading you to what would be his room if it weren’t so grim and full of particles floating through the air. 

Pulling you down onto the bed as it creaks under the pressure, he lays on his back and brings you to his chest, laying your cheek against his heartbeat for the last time, his chest moving up and down unevenly from crying.  “I love you.”  He croaks out, hand gently moving up and down your back, flashes of red illuminating the room every few seconds and loud bangs thundering in the distance.  It only got worse and worse and your blood felt like it was gushing through your veins.  “I love you.”  You tell him, clenching the front of his shirt tightly in your hand.  “Please be there when this all ends.  Wherever we go, please be there.”  You whimper as if he has any control but it makes you feel better to voice it.  “I promise, sweetness.  I promise I’ll be wherever you want me to be.  I’m right here.”  He says weakly, cradling the back of your head and pressing a kiss to your crown.  “I had the best time loving you, I-I want you to know that, okay?”  Tears brim at his waterline again as he holds onto you.  “Y-you’re my best friend and if there’s s-some kinda light or whatever bullshit when this ends I-I’m gonna follow you, okay?  I’ll be right there with you.  I'm not saying goodbye b-because I know we’ll meet wherever we end up.”  The room is full of sobs, both from you and him while you dig your nails into his chest, clinging to him desperately as the explosions and booms outside grow larger. 

The trailer walls begin to crack and the angry world outside of it starts to swallow everything in its wake.  Eddie’s weight is now on top of you as he shields you from any falling debris, eyes shut in anticipation while you cower into him.  As you brace for the sky to cave in on the two of you, you find that it’s taking way too long for the world to come to an end.  Strong gusts of wind engulf the room, belongings are flying around and you and Eddie’s screams are muffled by the thundering noises accompanying the turmoil.  

This is it, this is it, this is it.  

This is the end.

Until it’s not.  

And you’re met with Eddie’s big beautiful round chocolate eyes from earlier.  Much earlier.  A breath escapes your lungs, it feels like you’d just swallowed water and you’re suddenly surrounded by Steve, Robin, and Nancy—still in The Upside Down; however you’d been in this exact spot before, it’s a feeling deep in your gut.  This wasn’t the afterlife, this was still the current life.  In some kind of fucked up way you’d reverted to the events from earlier just before you’d split up from everyone.  Eddie’s expression gave away that he was experiencing the same thing, it wasn’t just you.  He further confirms this by grabbing you and holding you tightly in his arms, this time happy tears welling up in his eyes.  

Nancy chimes in, glancing from Steve to Robin and then to you and Eddie with the smallest upturn of her lips.  “It worked?”  Steve has a prideful grin and Robin has a sparkle in her crystal blue eyes.  “Let’s get outta here.”  Steve says, a hand on your shoulder and a hand on Eddie’s.  

~end~

Masterlist

[t-oppenheimer]

I've been seeing some chatter about Goblin Slayer again (I think the second season is coming out) and like. I want a place to shout something into the void. The work is obviously inspired by ttrpg, an interest of mine, and it gives it a heck darned bad name too. Yes, the use of sexual assault is puerile and yes the eugenic logic the show builds up from is gross, but far, far worse, this isn't how ttrpgs are supposed to be run.

I remember reading the LN by recommendation of someone I don't associate with anymore, sometime shortly after the anime was announced. I saw the little guild have dnd 5e sheets in there for resumes and I'm like "awww that's cute". Then the rest of that first dungeon happens and I'm like :/. Because to an extent of course I am, but also, I put myself in the mind of a player at that table and believe you me-- if the DM put the group into a situation we were meant to lose to fuck us over and put his super cool OC in to save the day? I'd walk away. And as patience trying as that must've been, imagine sitting in anyway, maybe he convinces you out of game that he just wanted to establish stakes and you can make new high level characters now to accompany him. Okay now he spends the next several minutes (pages) describing to you all these women you are wont to oggle, the fullness of their breasts and the shortness of their skirts and -- Hey? You're not rolling our dice with the same hand you've been using to write under the table have you? Get the fuck *out.* I get that most people consume media in a different way from me, and most probably got onboarded by the anime which probably never made pretense that it was supposed to be about roleplaying. But at the same time my head explodes because we all know there's gonna be someone who gets too inspired and throws caution to the wind and makes their whole table uncomfortable because bleh. Simply have better ideas, idunfuckinknow

[opalthea]

Short ramble to fill in the almost void space that is my writings.

I've been having these weird drops. Like, my mood would significantly drop, but I'm not fussy, upset, or angry at all, just this sort of melancholic numbness, I think. They're not bad - at the very least, I'm still able to take care of myself, eat, sleep, shower, do my chores. But of course, they're like.. harder to do when I feel as though I just exist in the moment. To help me feel better, I had been thinking of something as of late, relating to this issue of mine.

Thinking about how genshin men would slowly try to coax you out of that shell. Motivating you to do things, to get off the internet and go outside. Xiao would insist, but he wouldn't force you. He holds your hands gently, rubbing the back of them with his thumbs, before pulling you up and hopefully out of that numbing state.

He knows you're okay, you're just in a bit of a stuck position is all. "Put on your shoes, let's go to the park." And he leaves no room for you to say no, not that you were gonna decline his firm suggestion anyway. He holds your hand the entire walk (yes, because driving didn't seem like something that would've helped) and silently just enjoys your company by the crowded streets. Every now and then, you'd perk up, pointing wildly at the things that caught your eye, and every time, he brings you over to take a closer look.

Sometimes, it's a stray cat, a squirrel you see jumping from branch to branch, pretty keychains (though, you only looked closer, just for a look, and then dragged him away), and other times, it's about the clouds above you both, the way the leaves were falling... And he hopes to catch a picture every time you throw him a familiar grin.

(He successfully did, at the end of the day, when you two just sat on the grass at the park, with your head on your knees and a bright smile on your face. He thinks it rivals even the sunlight that bounces off your face.)

[eshtaresht]

GUYS GUYS I CAN'T KSODKLSOSL!!!1!!1LKDKJ;;S !!!l1JK!::kKD;P SOSKSLSPSODS A;SDOKDLAD I CAN'T EVEN FORM WORDS

spoilers for ep 12 (and a bit for trigun in general) and my overexited ramblings under the cut

you know an episode will be good when where's no opening

so, the twins are meant to be characterized straightforward in every anime adaptation, ig. it's not bad, but the manga twists their personalities 180° and it adds SO MUCH nuance (I'll talk about this at length some day)

tbh I had to pause for laughter when knives was YEETED outta the gate (I have sense of humor of a five year old)

everybody already said everything, but still. OG HAIR COMEBACK OMG AHRAHAAKFJDlahjddjha!!!!!!!! ;!!! ;! and not only hair, but the whole characterization this episode was much closer to trimax vash, and not just sadboy depressive bbg

MERYL/REM PARALLELS LETS GOOOO!!! like, I guessed this would happen, but the visuals, the tension and pure GRATITUDE in vash's voice when he was able to break free from his mental prison... we're eating good

speaking of eating, I CAN'T get over that moment when vash deadass BIT KNIVES. that's peak sibling behavior, he's literally fighting tooth and nail over there

also mashwood is so real tonight!! love love love meryl&nico interactions in stampede, they barely spoke to each other in other versions! and the look of relief on vash's face when he sees nico skedaddling away with meryl!!! he's so glad that they're gonna be okay and that nico made the right choice and came back to help, if briefly. interstingly, he was able to remember everyone, but after the explosion at the end he still lost his memory.

and THE WINGS, DUDE!!!! it gives the finale of trimax, when they both had only one wing left..... still missing feathers, but I love the diversity with knives's, eh... knives, and vash's energy/void or whatever that is, I support it

he's so pathetic even when he looks cool, homeboy had NO control when he used his wing for the first time... cudos for learning new powers on the spot tho

ow ow ow that scene with the military hurt... and he couldn't even save them!

"why are you like that, vash?" "I'm vash the stampede" "IT'S BEEN OVER A CENTURY AND THIS IS THE BEST YOU COULD CAME UP WITH" same here, knives, he's hopeless. I anticipated that moment, but it probably hits even hard for stampede onlys

angel arm!!! tho it's not that angelic now... how are we gonna call it? I take suggestions. rip arm and coat, I feel like we'll actually get a more trimax leaning design next season!

to all the ppl (myself included) who wanted to see vash cry properly... are you happy? ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY??? after the last episode, after all the mental torture knives put him through, vash still doesn't want to hurt him and, just like knives, can't handle the distance between them.......... I am inconsolable. and as much as knives wanted to break vash, it hurts him so much to see those tears irl....... but he just can't stop, because they're both SO FUCKING STUBBORN and it already took to much to get there and he just can't. stop. now.

"nai is dead, you killed him" first of all, *sounds of screaming crying throwing up*. second of all, his name is million knives, vash, stop deadnaming your brother/j

the death scene itself.... oh it's soo good and yummy. I know this mf isn't fully dead and conrad will fix him, but still. he can have a second death of self as a treat

btw, gotta adress my earlier theory about "happy birthday" being metaphorical. no, it is in fact July 21st, and tristamp lasted about two months in universe. still pretty hard for me to believe, it felt five times shorter due to the pacing. but it is what it is: I'm esht and I was wrong, I'm singing the esht wrong song

and just as I thought this would be the end of it, WE GOT A FLASH FORWARD THAT HAD BASICALLY EVERYTHING WE WERE HOPING FOR AND MORE

RAISED BOUNTY! MERYL GIRLBOSSIFICATION!! a hint at insurance society (tho that was more of a threat and she's still a journalist). MILLY CONFIRMATION!!! ERIKS' LACK OF ARM AND AMNESIA!!!! EARTH FLEET AND CHRONICA!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

IT'S GONNA BE GOOD SEASON 2 IS GONNA BE EVEN BETTER I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONE MARROW

[bxd-kxrma]

Null Eviction - Part 1

The realization of what she had was starting to dawn on her, the rubble of building that served as the exit to the chamber lay at her feet and she would kick the rubble and watch it bounce off other debris as a sigh from the brawler would ring out through the vast emptiness. It was almost poetic. But Karma wasn't one to think of such anecdotes.

"So, you ready to come out?" Karma said, lifting her shirt to reveal those kanji symbols that ran down her ribs. "Are are you gonna get cold feet?"

'You know the answer, do it already. Or are you intending on teasing me more of my freedom...?'

Karma would nod, there was hesitance in her movements, the fear of what had happened in the other timeline coming back to her. Try as she might, she couldn't push that fear away and she could feel her alter smirk wickedly in her mind. It was a dreadful feeling that made her question herself once again, that fight or flight rolling as a flight and wanting nothing more than to continue keeping Alter in her place. But she knew what had to be done, this wasn't just for the people Alter had killed, the destruction and turmoil she had caused to so many others.

With a short breath, Karma's hand would raise and swipe itself down the seal symbols and watched as one by one they would disappear and as the last letter dissipated from her skin. There was as sudden feeling in her stomach, she fell to her knees and wretched, throwing up black ooze all over the ground below her as the laughter in her head became less of thought and more real. 'HAHAHAHAHAHA'

From the black ooze on the ground, the Alter's eyes would glow and slowly that blackened sludge would move and slowly start to form until the Alter would take form in front of her. Karma couldn't see it's mouth, but she could feel the grin coming off of her.

"It feels so good to move again!" She would say, stretching every which way it could, cracking almost non-existent bones and shaking herself off as if she were covered in the sludge that formed her. "I can assure you, I intend to never let that happen again. But first..."

With intense speed, faster than what Karma could be capable of, Alter would appear in front of the brawler and punch her square in the jaw. A ripple of sonic force boomed in the emptiness and Karma was sent back, tumbling like a skipping stone across the ground until catching herself and standing. "What the hell! You're throwing sucker punches now?!"

Again, another sudden rush, but instead of the punch landing, Karma would catch it and follow up with a blast of energy to her Alters stomach. Then another clash, causing ripples of force and energy to come from the two of the fighters.

Until Karma's leg was suddenly grabbed, her form being spun and thrown to the ground as a followed up blast of pure dark energy was was shot from the Alter, causing Karma to send one of pink back. As the energy collided, the both of them struggled, but it was clear Alter was the winner as an explosion of concentrated void energy broke Karma's own, causing her stumble back and land on her chest.

"Even with all that training, all that time, I'm still vastly stronger than you." Alter would laugh, prodding Karma with her words, her grey fingers forming a fist and slamming it once again against Karma's face. Then grabbing her coat collar and hitting her once again, and again as she yelled with rage.

"All that time locked up! All that time having to waste away in that crude, awful and unmanaged body of yours! You call yourself a student? A fighter? How long has it been since you've tried to attain an ascended form? Calling you another version of myself is akin to spitting in the face of a go-!"

Her hand was suddenly caught by Karma's, that's when Alter noticed, from the beat up features of the brawler, the blood that ran down the corner of her lips, she was smiling.

"Wanna know a secret...?"

Karma's grip would tighten and Alter could now feel the immense amount of energy beginning to grow. "No... No! No! NO!" She would continue to wail on the woman yet her attacks seemed to do little to nothing.

Karma's hair would fall from its bun, the color changing from it's iconic pink to a soft hue of orange. Alter tried to get her hand back, yanking and pulling as hard as she could trying to punch Karma over and over as tiny horns began to appear out of the top of the brawlers head until her full transformation was realized.

"I've already achieved Super Vacosian."

Without another moment Karma would open her mouth and release a beam of energy from her core, blasting her Alter away. The hand Karma had held detached from the alternate and soon disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"Since WHEN?!" Alter would yell, her hand regenerating as she continued to get angrier. "How long?! And How didn't anyone know?! How didn't I know?!?"

Karma would grin, standing and dusting herself off. "Well, we're both pretty good liar's. I achieved it before I sealed you away. Long story short, call it a very, very late trump card."

"Ready to go another round?"

[gunsli-01]

So, good thing about the shadow realm I've seen none of the leaks because I've been avoiding the Milgram tag on here out of pure spite and mostly looking at stuff on Twitter. I really want to try to Milgram lottery going on but I can't aaaa... Though I did get an ask recently about Shidou that got me thinking about the bad doctor.

I couldn't give it as much thought as I wished to at the time because things were frantic that day. (It was my father's birthday.) So, a lot of family in town, rushing and extremely uncomfortable shoes.

I'd like to elaborate on my thoughts around Shidou though. I feel for me personally I'd either be very biased against him or in his favor once more information comes out which makes it difficult for me to vote on him. I know weird coming from someone who may have seemed very bias against Mu but I find Mu likeable at least.

However, for Shidou there's this ominous lack of bias I've recognized within myself that to me betrays the very concept of Milgram as a series.

At least with everyone else I can in some way relate or understand why they'd do the things they did on a human level.

Yet, with Shidou there's this question of "Are you even human?" that wells up in me when I think about not what he's done but his response to it. The lack of concern he shows not only to his current circumstances but his past situation.

It's been in the back of my mind since I watched Milgram the idea of Shidou being Guilty is an easy one to fall into he even asks us to not forgive him. In that moment he uses the victims, their families, the idea of everyone his actions have impacted as a prop to get the verdict he desires. It seems like everything is a means to an end with him.

It could be my intuition flaring up that makes me want to wait and see. Yet, I can't help but feel this quote strongly when I look at Shidou, "It's been on my mind since the moment I laid eyes on him...the reason I find this man so disgusting." And I feel I find Shidou so disgusting for the same reason he states he doesn't feel scared in Throw Down, "Because I don't know."

I know I'm quoting Pandora Hearts a lot but I'm gonna do it again because there's a great quote from Oswald that sums this up perfectly and directly follows the quote I used before, "I feel he is like water. A body of water with a silent surface, where the water is so pure and clear that no fish can live in it. Even if I gaze into this water, only my figure is reflected back, and I cannot know his true form. He's right in front of me... Yet, there's a grating sense of unease, the sense that no one is really there."

I feel the use of water something that has been so heavily tied to giving life to describe the absence of it not only chilling but incredibly apt when discussing Shidou. Someone who was meant to do their best to preserve lives and ended up taking them away with that same expression regardless of who came. He's right there singing with the rest of them putting his feelings on display. Yet, for me all I see is the mirror reflecting the environment that sits in front of it.

Water so pure and clear that no life can thrive in it so calm and steady that beings around it dare not disturb it, like a void. I can't feel the ill will, malice, or even a shred of selfishness from Shidou or his circumstances and that in itself disgusts me. I can't pin down the motive to him which makes me curious, puts me on guard, and just gives me a feeling of unease.

I do know one thing if Shidou is voted guilty, then there definitely will not be a doctor in Milgram by trial three since Amane and Kotoko seem to be annoyed with him. Plus, given Mu and Haruka's current verdicts and the fact that we are uncertain if Kotoko will stop attacking prisoners who were voted Guilty before but Innocent now given her first videos stance on pardons Shidou isn't wrong to want to continue to be voted Innocent in order to take care of the injured if necessary.

It's logical but there are just too many factors in play to believe the verdicts really guarantee anything for anyone at this point. So, it's all pretty up in the air. Though I did want to ramble about the guy for a bit.

[lovlorne]

the issue was never listening, dearie. just being honest with yourself. how many times did you refuse what you really wanted because it wouldn't have been acceptable to partake in it? how long did it take to finally confess what you felt for her?

vermin, though.

it's not healthy to insult yourself like that.

———— ❤️‍🔥┊   ❝ DON'T TALK LIKE YOU KNOW ME, ❞   knuckles glide 'long venom - laced lips, sweeping away vitriol seeping through the cracks of her scowl. ink splatters obscure the kintsugi coursing through her, reflecting the copious cracks of her shattered mirror.

   ❝ you didn't wade through the valley of death back in inkadia 'cause you wanted a fuckin' snack and couldn't tell the difference between those shrimpy ass octarians and walkin' takoyaki. that's what happens when i don't refuse what i want! rightful punishment. i should've known it was unacceptable but no, i learned that lesson the hard way. ❞   

ignoring the heave and ho of her bosom, she drapes a blanket over her pigeon's cell.   ❝ my impulses were fucked. an' i weaned them out, or had others forcefully beat it outta me. i lost my cashier job for fightin' back, of course i'm gonna deny myself when i'm taught so cruelly that i can't win. ❞   

   ❝ i had one person truly in my pocket, one guy who, despite everything, despite rationale, gave me a second chance when even his own kin rightfully wouldn't. ❞   she jerks her heard towards the ground, teeth gritted ( and you left him in the dark, like everyone else. for his own good, but mostly for yours. ) before throwing her gaze back into the void that was blurring eyes.

   ❝ confessed, only to throw it all away! in the fuckin' garbage, just where i belonged, just where mimi tossed me. don't you DARE imply i don't know how i got here, how i put myself here, how i threw my past out to try to start fresh. i learned my lessons! all the hard way! i kept 'em close to the chest, next to my heart, even while it got stomped on. ❞   

bad relationships, bad mindset, bad attitude. there wasn't much good goin' in her early 20's, and though she achieved a dream amongst cherry blossoms, it soon became a nightmare, a living hell, leaving her to deal with the repercussions of letting her guard down. had she refused, had she given up on her desires, maybe she wouldn't be here.   ( and rightfully so, but she cannot change that now. )   

   despite everything, she didn't regret it.    ❝ i miss 'em. every one of 'em. i miss her too. th'fuck you think i took on this attitude for? i carry them and every other fuckin' little memory on my back. i can throw away my looks, i can throw away my career, but i can't shove memories like that down the drain. i envied — idolized — the people who could just... live without apology. damn those who don't like you! fuck kissing shoes clean to please. i gave up my autonomy for kindness, an' i learned i don't have ta do alla that. ❞   

   ❝ like a damn rat in the slums, i nibbled away at what i liked, scurried off with it, and left the shit behind. all those years — the dancing included — made me who i was. who i am. carefully curated. i miss even the worst sometimes, but they're all gone now. there's nothing i can do about that! ❞   violently, her palms brush away salty, pooling puddles drenching her lower lids and cheeks.

   ❝ i have the RIGHT to insult myself. i know myself best, no matter who the fuck you are. but let's be clear: it's just you i'm targetin'.       i'll just have to deal with the friendly - fire. ❞   

[desireablesoul]

My own mother despises me. Her own creation. She's so scared of people leaving her that she pushes them away until they don't care anymore. I am just like her. I tell her our similarities, and she shuns me. I don't want to fall to the same fate as her, but i don't know how not to become her. She was mad at me, and the reason was insufficient. It didn't stab me like it did when she purposely hurt me. I remember now. She was yelling at me not to wake her up bc she works at 4am. I understand her frustration with me, but at the same time, I didn't know that frustration could lead to that. She kept going on about how I don't wake her up unless I'm bleeding. I felt an urge to say, "You wouldn't care even if I was bleeding." I shouldn't have said that, I never would have thought she would say that to me, but it's nothing new. i don't know why it hurt so bad. I felt my heart break, a string snapped, the deep agony and emotional pain my heart was beating so fast. She told me, "Do you think I care when you cut yourself?"" She added on more, cutting deeper into me, but my brain blocked it out for the best. I sat there and asked her with my heart feeling like it was about to explode out of my chest if she said that on purpose or if she even thinks before she speaks. I could tell by looking at her face that she was playing dumb and the fact i was talking was aggravating her. She asked me to repeat myself, and I did, but it hurt so bad, especially for her to act like she didn't do that. I told her never mind as I got up and started to leave her room. I couldn't hold in my feelings I never can, and it's gonna be the death of me. I was yelling and sobbing at her, saying all the things she tells me that I'm a failure and I don't try I'm lazy I never do anything etc that it makes me feel like im worth nothing that I'll never be anything. I just wish my mother loved me. I wish she would've worked on herself instead of having kids to fix her sorrow. "I saved her," she tells me constantly. I didn't save her. The birth of me only occupied her for a while. it didn't save anyone. If anything, it was a way for her to fill the void for a short period. Life still sucked tremendously after me. Why does she say I'm so important but then try to throw me away so easily. If I ever become like my mother, I want you to kill me. If I become emotionally unavailable and explosive, I want you to kill me. If I become like my mother, I won't be able to see the pain I cause. I fear I'm already falling to the fate of my mother. Mom, eat me and give birth to me again. This time around, I will make you proud. I promise.

[aewrie]

distractions aren't working so

(yelling into the void to get this out of my system but seriously tread carefully if you're sensitive to topics of abuse/ c/sa /mental health crap)

i'd be looking for a therapist but am not exactly in the headspace to do so. my old one was overall great and i'd be contacting her but she was basically useless when it came to this topic. think she was more confused and conflicted at the idea of a child being the abuser than me. which. that's not gonna help. and by the time i'd trust myself to see through that ordeal idk. i could probably use it anyway but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

could use it right now. i've been crying on and off for like 3-4 hours, while teetering on the edge of another breakdown

took me what, 10?? years before i felt ok using the word trauma in reference to being bullied for years. even after i kinda knew how fucked it all was. only after a health professional was like 'yeah, that's trauma you've got going on' after hearing the tl;dr of my life i felt i was allowed to. (she then proceeded to recommend therapy lmao). bc it wasn't so bad. boy i'm good at rationalizing all that away. other people always have it worse! and it's not like there was obvious violence, so obviously it doesn't count.

same fucking thing when i got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. i was passively suicidal & heading into worse direction and i was only willing to admit that i was sad & anxious. probably. surely not anything that would warrant treatment.

and now this thing i've filed away under 'miscellaneous shit that was not ideal probably, but surely it wasn't' That Bad, other people have it Worse':

yesterday i checked out this vr interview stream dealing with abuse right before i had to go sleep (the best idea ever. clearly) and at the point i started watching the discussion made basically no sense so i figure i go to the start and watch from there. and the interviewee describes the abuse, and i'm fine until a particular detail comes up and then it kinda unraveled from there. i had to pause just to get a breather. i watched maybe a few minutes more idk.

i've looked into child psychology and sexual development before bc ever since i bumped into the term child-on-child sa i've been stuck with the whole 'but does it count if x y z' (mostly: can someone so young even be an abuser, bc obviously if he didnt' intentionally & maliciously do it, i am not allowed to feel upset), even earlier that same damn day! but nothing unequivocally said yes or no. so of course i'm going with the safe answer of no, i'm not allowed to call it abuse.

but after that Moment i looked at some more stuff and found a couple of videos, one from a therapist knowledgeable on the topic, and one first-hand account, read some comments to boot, and then i'm having the sort of crying episode that leaves me feeling physically sick for a full day at least

at work today I was distracted the second i was not properly busy, then i managed to keep it together for a bit when i got home and now here we are. fuck i'm glad i'll have multiple days off now. on the long run this is good to process. but def not feeling it right now lol. at least i'm not stuck in a corner of fandom where loaded buzzwords get thrown around like they mean nothing, i knew that fucked with my head even back during the vl/d heyday and i was just getting around to the 'ok that Happened and maybe it was messed up, but Not abuse' stage of denial

good news i might be done crying rn so i guess that helped

i guess this was gonna be happening sooner or later bc i've been somewhat actively thinking about all that for months but rip it came out of nowhere

(and gonna throw it in here just in case; i'd rather not have 'i'm sorry' messages or similar, 9 times out of 10 i just feel awkward as shit. more neutral (not sure what's the best word?) is fine)

[mandrake-arya]

Okay so I've never spoken about FMA in this account, not on first person, I'm always kinda shy but I think I made a quite interesting thought: at the sixth year in the fandom and the third time I fall back into the rabbit hole after having left it as a dormant fandom for a while, I finally noticed something I really, really should have noticed sooner: the parallels between my probably favorite FMA villain -I hate him but he's WONDERFULLY written- and my favorite character(s): Bradley/Wrath, and Greed and Ling, so I'm gonna share it and then disappear into the void.

Let's start.

Wrath/Bradley says he doesn't even know who is he now, if the human soul is somehow still alive or not, if Wrath is Bradley or Bradley is Wrath. Instead, Greed and Ling keep different personalities and instead of suffocating each other they learn to cohoperate and respect each other, rubbing off on each other in a good way, learning and becoming better, especially Greed (an homunculus learning so much from a human, something the other homunculi greatly despite, especially Bradley himself, even though he's the only other human based homunculus.)

Bradley says he doesn't know which soul suffocated which, if the human soul was strong, if it was suffocated, he knows he was just as angry as Wrath and so they fought, and this is similar to how Ling always was greedy just like Greed (Greed himself called him that,,,), but that drew them close and helped them respect each other, instead of fighting, and so Ling managed to survive and to talk with Greed; plus, Wrath never chose anything, not really, he always was in the facility and/or with the homunculi, while Ling and Greed are all about free will??? Ling freely accepted Greed, and Greed always stood up to the Father, refusing to follow him, while Wrath never chose anything, he just followed orders.

The only thing Wrath ever chose was his wife, that made up "family", and this is maybe the only real similarity between the two human based homunculi: Greed openly chose his family, the Devil's Nest first and then Ling, Ed and the other chimeras, they were /his/ and he always was attached to them, and this put them apart again, because Wrath always refused to actually consider Mrs Bradley his real family, staying true to the homunculi, while Greed totally refused the homunculi, always staying true to his real family, his chosen family, when he had free will and memories.

And so did Ling, he always fought for his people, his country, his dreams, wanting to change things, not to stay tied to the old ways.

Wrath always despised humans despite being their leader, he always looked down on them. Greed never despised them, he respected them and he had real friends in the chimeras, he came to respect and befriend Ling, admiring humans, even while working with the homunculi, and Ling always fiercely defended them, while Wrath considered them useless despite having been one??

Ling always fought for the humanity, and Greed even let him speak back to Wrath, admiring him and the humans, and... desperately wanting to be their friend, despite his pretending, he wanted a place among them, unlike Bradley who had a place among them but despised it, seeing them only as a mean to an end.

And then there's the leadership thing, and we're talking more about Bradley and Ling here, the ruthless Fuhrer and the young prince ready to give up everything to become Emperor and protect everyone. Wrath thought that a leader should think for himself and not for the people, for the "greater purpose", seeing his people only as pawns, while Ling always firmly believed that a leader exist for his people and owns them everything, he always saw his people as people, more than worthy, he never left them behind, not when Lan Fan was hurt, not even when Foo was dying. He always fought for them and though that a ruler should be devoted to his people, he wanted to become Emperor for his people, to help them and protect them, at the point that he decided to protect /everyone/, not only his clan, in a way that Bradley would only think of as weakening -and this is the beauty of Ling's character, he instead always thought this was a strenght, the power of protecting others, instead of a weakness. He despised Bradley and his way of ruling, because a ruler so selfish and who looks down at his people isn't worthy. He sees the ruler as the protector of the people, not the people as a mean to an end for the ruler.

And then let's think about the physical confrontations of the two homunculi: in the end, they always were opposite, they fought lots of times. Bradley killed the first Greed's family, even making fun of him caring for them. He always despised

his "humanity" and his care for the chimeras, bc he saw through Greed's bullshit act of "I don't care" and considered him weak because of that, even if instead Greed was /strong/ because of his relationships, even if even he didn't saw it, they gave him the strenght to cut off the ties with the homunculi, not just once but twice, and to stand up.

He despised Bradley and his arrogance, and moreover his servility to the Father, and stood up against him even in the brief period in which they were on the same side.

And then we go to Ling. I already talked about his first confrontation with Bradley, his hate for his way to rule, the way the two leaders despite each other and consider each other weak -Bradley is selfish, Ling wants to protect everyone and hates Bradley thinking about the people as a burden-, but I think it's still super interesting their fight and their confrontation, because Ling actually manages to stand up to him and prove that he's not weakened by his people, even though he has to learn about sacrifice -that leading to him accepting to become an homunculus, but that's another story-.

The next time Bradley and Ling/Greed confront each other Greed and Ling are already one, and Bradley despise humans, and Ling talks back to him, and Greed lets him, actually showing to respect him and the human, at the point of giving Ling more freedom than expected by an homunculus, despising Bradley's arrogance instead.

And then, Greed regains his memories, and who does he goes to fight? Exactly, Bradley. Because he killed his family and he didn't give any explanation and he's hurting and he's angry because he barely remembers them but he lost them because of Braley and he hates him. And then it's both Greed and Ling against Wrath, because he actually recognizes Ling's skills as well as Greed's, and they manage to escape.

And then we go to their last fight: Greed and Ling and Foo against Wrath, and Wrath kills Foo, and both of them suffer, bc the man was Ling's family and Greed admired him, as he does with humans, and so they fight together, Greed lets Ling use all of his power and protects him, and they both fight and tell the people to go away, they both /protect the humans/, they both care.

But this is excalating in one of my usual rants about Greed so let's skip to the last thing: the death of the two homunculi.

Wrath dies in a long fight, it takes lots of them to take him down (and even if I love his last confrontation with Scar, the fight between the two nameless men, I kinda think Greed and Ling had the right to deal the final blow), but he dies peacefully, thinking about his wife, his only choice, and maybe, only maybe, regretting that illusion of a family. He dies accepting, finally, that there's something beautiful, in the human life he could've had.

Greed dies for the others, for his family, accepting them and the idea of belonging to them, the only thing he ever wanted. He dies peacefully as well, saying goodbye to his friends, who will now have a chance: Ling will become Emperor, Ed will defeat the Father. He dies knowing himself and what he wanted, he dies whole, without regretting the life he's had, just happy that he's had it and that he can call them his friends. Both the homunculi die peacefully, but while Bradley kinda remains detached from humans, even accepting the idea that his human life wasn't so bad (because he never fully embraced it), Greed gives himself totally to his friends, sacrificing himself and dying satisfied, happy. In the end, almost human.

Also I don't know how to end rants but Bradley was number 12 at the facility and Ling is the 12 prince of Xing and this isn't actually something but I still think it's kinda interesting so if you're still here at the end of this rant CONGRATS

[just-pineapple-responses]

Just curious, how many shower thought (response) blogs are there? I just dived into this side of tumblr (not gonna make any posts its fun to read though) and I'm already losing my mind

Well there is

The. Literal. Sun.

Plasma...

S p a c e

ALL HAIL THE LIGHT

The void. It shall consume ALL.

A typewriter incase anyone wants to write their will before they die

Also some ink, not related to the typewriter

Also some words, I wonder who'll use them

A hat with no maker and a maker with no hat

The pen is mightier than the sword. It just so happens that this one is evil. Luckily I can summon multiple

Anyone order some coffee?

Ooo, an author

The literal embodiment if of fanart

A fork, nom noms

B҉ r҉ o҉ k҉ e҉ n҉ 

Soap

Soap(for hair)

Toothpaste

🄵🄰🅄🄲🄴🅃

Towel

Bath mat

Washcloth

Bathtub

Bathwater

𝔹𝕒𝕥𝕙𝕓𝕠𝕞𝕓

Bubblebath!

One (1) bath boi

Some M͓̽o͓̽l͓̽d͓̽ (anybody got some strong disinfectant?)

Nvm, the mold has already caused a plague (gettit?) (although user misspelled it)

Nevermind, there's already a parasite here

Mirror

Door!!!

Some curtains

A denim jacket

Blackout

Rainbow

✨ Magic ✨

*Tree poses to assert dominance*

Coconut

(obviously me)

I think popeye dropped a tin of spinch and it became sentient?

Tost

Hummus. dip tost?

Criss Cross applesauce

Wibbly wobbly Wibbly wobbly jellyo

Mmmm océan s o u p

Some poison, a great addition for my soup

Smol bean

Potat

Shower magpie who I haven't seen in a while

Bird (brain)

Frog(×2:Electric Boogaloo)

An axolotl!

Ferret

*looks at smudged writing on hand. Squints. * a raccoon

Stinky bastard man (I just had to put the two next to each other)

Rat.

Becometh crab 🦀 (x2: Electric Boogaloo)

Nya~

Edgy Nya~

Tripod of dog

Brain

Nina i found one of your neurons (if you understand this reference, good job you)

A rotted brain, keep it away before it infects us all, I only have 2 braincells left

Did... Did someone drop their spinal cord?

The almighty binch

The titanic

Narrator

Water based introspection

Existential crisis

Dumbass

Also a pacifier (get it because they're also called dummies and their name is dummy)

A foolish thought to say a sorry sight join the shower community (as you can tell we did Shakespeare in English so many times i pretty much can recite everything lady macbeth said)

ADHD

Ominous

Anonymous

Anxious 🥺👉👈

Some edgy bastard

A person of culture I see (although obsessed with tweed for some reason)

1 Dapper boi

Sarcastic

nice

All smiles and sunshine

HAPPY! (why isn't there yellow 😔)

Affection (Derogatory) (I'm sorry I just felt like it)

~Petty~

Idiot

Disaster

Chaos and Order

Comebacks

'vanishing'

Defences

Threatened

Op is on drugs

All the F s

And F-general

Get out of the shower

Shower responses

Dry

The horny and the simp

Shower sins

Thower shoughts

I take quick showers

Shower thots

Last responder *countdown music*

You have shower thoughts?

Your shower thoughts are stupid

Wtf shower thoughts

Another shower responder

MORE

Just shower responses... responses

Response shower

NO SHOWER! only thought (×3)

Mmm, showery

Penny for your thoughts?

Hello darkness my old friend...

Llawyer

Beepbeep

Prussia

Haywire!!!

furry OwO

A Pigeon got in through the door, who left it open?

I'm feeling devious

You're looking glamorous, let's get mischievous, and polyamorous

Gay is stored in the ass

Gay

Trans

*opens door and walks through with you exaggeratedly* Fellas we got the whole LGBTQIA+ community right here

Enby

Hahaha gender go brrr

Lesbian

Lesbian-thot

Lust

Someone who thinks it funny to clown around

Joker (derogatory)

Haha straight

Dead inside

Some supervillain idk

News. Literally a shower news style responses

r

I cannot believe that I forgot Her Greatest Majesty, the Queen. All Hail Royal

Isaac newton?

M megamind?

Fiftieth

Crackhead

Some Phoenix Wright kinnie

What is a Dean Winchester and why does he have a tentacle fetish?

Well well well, if it ain't a homestuckian

Did someone kill/rob The Doctor or something, their TARDIS was left behind and its blocking my pretzels that I left in the shower

Mined crafts uwu

Well well well, if it ain't- *accidentally makes eye contact and is then killed by some unknown shadowy creature holding what seems to be some sort of cube of dirt*

GOTTA GO FAST

Mishamishamishamishamishamishamisha

Gen Z and ready to throw hands with OP

Not puki

Nom noms

Dip dap

Kensa

B͓̽u͓̽n͓̽g͓̽e͓̽r͓̽ ..........

Someone broke their space bar or something

It's time to d-d-d-d-d-dshower

The magical deity of sleepovers

DON'T FALL ASLEEP. NO MATTER WHAT THEY TELL YOU-

The muffin man genuinely left drury Lane for this

Txmblr

Moonlit nights on a winters day, stars glimmering gently

A child?

🟥

The fae. Just all of them. Every single one.

Crocus? (What on earth does that mean)

*sings* baba blacksheep have you any wool? Because if not you will be killed (this fits the tune perfectly. If not I have failed in everything)

The theatre itself is here... Somehow

Ahoy-hoy

boo

REEEE- *epic geometry dash gameplay to DanTDM's old intro music*

Yardale, not to be mistaken for riverdale and differs to lawn ale or front porch ale or even meter ale

I'll finish this list later

It's gonna be a long one folks

I'm including a ones that haven't spoken since ages ago because

Boy howdy there's new ones tell me who I'm missing now

Please stop thank you very much this is too many i keep having to add to this any new responder must kill a responder to continue the purge shall claim y'all as I will win i recently started watching Danganronpa

Seriously though everyone after mirror must have a battle royale it's too much i doubt all of you will even last longer than today also happy birthday me -dated:28th- do you even realise what sort of commitment you've made to sell pieces of your soul for entertainment and ability to make such epic retorts each and every post?! I sacrifice many souls DAILY to be throwing such bangers into this stuff y'know?

We have a tap guys we can finally wash our hands of all the blood of our enemies

Seriously though who left the door open I don't want a Pigeon pecking at me (the mishapocalypse got them lol)

So many responders so little time before the end of the world

If I'm missing someone please tell me very thank

There are not enough colours for me to assign a different one to each person 😔 also, wtf is on there twice on purpose

WorldHealthOrganisation IS MISSING (note: you may have a joke in place of name or under a category of names)

So there's lore without me?

ALL HAIL THE LIGHT *moth noises*

Okay now there's alternate timeline versions of responders for the benefit of myself they ain't going on the list bud

There is an incorrect role play blog quotes blog and I am crying. Not of laughter. Just wiuwhdhsjhshjxjabjsjdhdjsj

If any new people join I will go back to causing shower wars for the sake of killing you all I'm done I have snapped my laptop is updating 3 times in a row

I will commit crimes.

Does being a shower responder or role-playing seem encouraging to people to join this "community"? Because I'm pretty sure it's the latter