#I'm literally a fucking kid dammit I am not trying to change the world or anyhthing I just have opinions and I say them and sometimes

[electricfied-wolf]

it is saturday and I am but a simple highschooler and I am so so tired and it is literally 12:15pm and I want to just sit here and eat my banana pudding

[romajuliettemai]

A few more SSS incorrect quotes

I haven't posted sss stuff in a while and this has been in my drafts for forever so here we go! (Some of these were edited or created by me & take place in a past timeline- also don't ask why some of the spacings are weird idk)

Silas: Do you cook?

Roma: I made a cake once.

Marshall: Yeah, it was good.

Roma: Really?

Marshall: Don’t make me lie twice, Roma.

Orion: Some people are like slinkies.

Rosalind: What?

Orion: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

Rosalind:

Rosalind: Please don't push Alisa down the stairs.

Orion, pushing Alisa down the stairs: Too late.

Benedikt: You need to stop swearing so much. Oliver: Shut the fuck up. Benedikt: Yeah, that's not how you do it. Oliver: Alright sorry. It's just that it's hard not to swear. The words just creep up on me when I least expect it. Benedikt: Now now, don't be like that. Just replace the swear words with 'beep' and you'll be fine. Oliver: Shit the beep up. Benedikt: Oliver: SHUT, DAMMIT! I MEANT SHUT!

Orion: I've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by an spontaneous musical number.

Juliette: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

Alisa: Uh, I think I got your lunch. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘I am very proud of you. Love, Orion’* Rosalind: Oh yeah. I didn’t think this was for me. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘Be good. For the love of God, Please be good.’*

Rosalind: I owe you one.

Orion: It's ok, you can just date me and we'll call it even *winks with two eyes*

Alisa, after getting a library card: Now I know what true power feels like. *proceeds to climb on top of the bookshelves*

Roma: Guys, Orion is missing. Celia: Good.

Alisa: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate.

Orion: Oliver is at that very special age where a kid only has one thing on their mind. Phoebe: Girls? Oliver: Homicide.

Phoebe: Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Silas: Sure. Phoebe: Your life! Silas: Actually, my life isn’t a joke, jokes have meaning. Phoebe: Silas...no.

Orion: Now, if I may speak for good-looking people everywhere... Oliver, rolling his eyes: Only as their rodeo clown.

Benedikt: Celia, we tried things your way. Celia: No, we didn't. Benedikt: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

Roma, clearly exhausted: Did you have to stab them? Future Katherina: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what they said to me. Roma: What did they say? Future Katherina: "What are you going to do, stab me?" Juliette, calling from the other room while sharpening her knives on a bowl: That’s fair!

Roma, rubbing his forehead, annoyed: In what world?

Alisa: I desire moisture. Oliver: Please just say "I want water" like a normal person.

Silas: You know I think my life has value. Orion: Who are you and what have you done with Silas?!

Sorry for not having posted anything Secret Shangai in a while- just been super busy. Probably not going to be as active on here just because I literally do not have the ability to be- but I'll hop on every so often and check in! Thank you to everyone doing their best to keep the fandom alive, I'll continue to try to contribute to that! <333

[whole-lotta-hoes]

Whole Lotta Hoes| Crack Fanfic Mini Series

Episode One: Zeppelin Is No More

Episode Two: Looking For A Job

Episode Three:

Episode Four:

Episode Five:

Warning:

This will cause you to lose a couple of brain cells and question your sanity. It will include a shit ton of weird shit and things that don't make sense at all. Do not read if you are not ready for any of this, read at your own risk.

Cast:

John Paul Jones (Main character)

Robert Plant

Jimmy Page

John Bonham

-------------------

Led Zeppelin is a band apparently. It's just a bunch of horny mother fuckers put together to make songs about sex. John Paul Jones was laying in bed with Robert Plant which he has no idea how that happened. He hoped nothing weird went down between them cause Jimmy Page would be so mad. oh jesus oh god you do not want to make that mother fucker mad. He'll literally turn you into a cheeseball and eat you. John got out of bed only to see that John Bonham was standing in the corner eating swedish fish gummies. He was not going to question it.

"Want some?" Bonzo asked him and he held one in his hand.

"I don't know you what the fuck!?" Jonesy yelled. He went to the baffroom and spotted jimmy trying to swim inside of the toilet. He believed he could do it if he tried hard enough.

"the oil supply demand is sky rocketing these days!" jimmy yelled as he got out of the toilet.

"Bitch do not touch me with your boo boo water," He warned him as he grabbed a toothbrush to use as a weapon. He learned how to make a knife with it in jail.

"Penis guitar playing is totes fun jonesy, you should try it," jimmie added. Oh mother fucker he is a heterosexual lad. Or that is what he said the other day when he ate some of robert's caramel popcorn. man he wondered how he even ended up in that stupid band. who's led and why does he have a zeppelin? you know some guy named their kid zeppelin but he claims that he didn't name him after the band. wait what were we talking about?

The band all decided to head to mcdonalds to eat happy meals. jimmy tickles.

"Guys! oh my god you will not believe it but britney is such a slut! ugh! can't believe she left me for a fish lookin' mother fucker-"

"No one gives a rats ass about your weird horny ass!" jimmy cut him off by yelling at robert. God damn that shithead has a huge ego but a small dick. Jonesy never understood why people liked him so much. He once stole his favorite pair of jojo siwa socks and claimed he never knew he owned any.

"You motherfuckers we're supposed to be going on tour!" Bonzo yelled as he swooped the food off the table.

"suck my asshole bonzo!" jim yelled.

"calm down pagey, he's just a meanie," robert added as he patted his head.

"y'all need to start realizing that no one likes you both!" jonesy snapped.

"shut up you're literally ugly and small and the bassist of led zeppelin and you look like heman with that stupid haircut of yours" Bonzo said as he ate jonesys burgers. damn that hurt.

"You know," jonesy began, "i don't need this job"

"what job?" robeet askes.

"shhhhh let the weirdo speak," jimmy said as he stuck his finger into his mouth.

"without me you will all suck asshole and no one will actually like led zeppelin," he explained.

the three slowly looked at each other and began to laugh their asses off at him.

"You act like you matter so much," robert added.

"shut up cheese cream! you're literally big and ugly and you look like you are 50 years old!" bonzo said as he drank his milk. that was funny. Jonesy felt his blood boil and grabbed his happy meal and stormed out.

-

It was the day of their shit concert. led zeppelin were backstage preparing to cause a dismother and set things on fire. preferably roberts underwear that pretty much doesn't exist in this case. the band stepped on stage and the crowd went wild.

"hello bananas-" That motherfucker fell forward into the drum set. oopsies. jimmy ran to him to make sure his hoe isn't dead or alive. fucking bon jovi.

"oh shit! robert plant is down!" he yelled. jonesy was absolutely done with them. they are nothing but a bunch of dumb fucks who ruin everything. He took out his laser penis and shot jimmy and robert to death.

"oh Motherfucker has a fucking laser pp! hija de su pinche madre!" jimmy yelled as he split in half. robert died again. bonzo just sat there blown away by the fact that that john paul jones just killed the front man and the guitarist of Led Zeppelin in front of millions of people. he was impressed.

"holy shit man you really-"

nope sorry but jonesy shot him too so he died. damn he could've let him live. meanie. oh wait im writing this so i could've.... ah man im too lazy to go back and fix it. too bad we're going with this plot now. Jonesy stepped off the stage and headed to the back.

"god dammit i hate everyone in this bloody world," he said to himself. he decided to hit the pub that was nearby to enjoy himself.

As he was sitting at the counter drinking something that is an alcoholic beverage. he began to spark ideas of what he could possibly do since led zeppelin died. He thought about starting a whole new band but he remembered that what caused him to kill led zeppelin. that was out of the shopping list for walmart. next was to steal money from the bank so he remains rich but he then realized that he is a famous musician and will get recognized quickly. fuck. he then thought of changing his hair to look less like heman cause that insult hurt.

"aha!" he shouted. He finally thought of something that could get him a shit ton of money. He drank the remaining drink from his cup and ran out of the pub.

-

he put on a thicc line of eyeliner, red lipstick, a black wig, fish nets leggings, high heeled boots, and earrings. oh man this is going to be hella great. His wife walked in to see what the fuck this small ass mothertrucker was up to this time. oh man i shat my pants.

"sweetie what the fuck are you doing!?" she yelled. Jonesy turned to look at her.

"led zeppelin is no more," he responded. She was so confused and wondered how the fuck she even ended up marrying heman. she had no idea what led zeppelin is no more meant and was hella concerned for his health.

"be back in a few days," he added as he broke his ankle trying to exit the house and rolled down the hill. oops it's not up the hill anymore. guess you could really say he went down hill. i hate myself so much. he walked down the sidewalk and ended up in someone's house. Motherfucker it's jimmy page's house. he stole his nice trousers or whatever those were. my teacher walked by as i wrote that btw. turns out they don't fit him cause jimmy is also a big hoe and jonesy isn't. shit. jimmy is embarrassing asf. that was pointless of him stealing so he stole his underwear. wait he wears those? imma look it up hold on. i didn't find anything about that so im just going to assume that he doesnt.

there was a picture of jimmy when he was with the yardbirbs and golly that is one ugly Motherfucker! he stole and stuffed it into his underwear. he got out of the house full of useless shit that he did not need at all. Then he forgot what he was doing. Jonesy continued walking down the street only to break his other ankle and rolled down the steep pathway. damn he's one dumb hoe bitch.

-

His laser penis was out of control. he just wanted to have a little me time but instead shot a whole through the wall of the motel be was staying in. god dammit. he removed his pp and switched it out with a normal pp. that's odd. his plan of overthrowing led zeppelin stressed him out. what else do you do when you're stressed? well can't say cause i ain't gotta peener. he got so bored. his days of not being in led zeppelin have been lame and was the worst idea he could even come up with. he didn't know what to do know. he can't just eat your grandma over and over again. he looked at himself through the mirror and oh my god I'm a sexy Motherfucker oh yeah bitch im THE BITCH. he needed to find something that'll keep him entertained for while.

babysitting was a bad idea. he got bitten by a bunch of goblins and gave him rabies. god i hate kids.

"hello motherfucker," jimmy said.

"OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD DAD SHOES PENIS PLANT! I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU THE OTHER DAY!" Jonesy yelled as he jumped over the couch.

"Nah bitch that was just my twin brother Jamie Patricia Page," He added. "Bitch why are you dressed like a stripper?"

Oh yeah he forgot that was what he was going to do once he killed led zeppelin. he still can but now there's a little bitch with him named james patrick page.

"we should kill robert plant," jimny suggested.

"Bitch i already killed him, you're a little too late you duck whore," he responded.

turns out he didn't actually kill led zeppelin but instead killed their twin brothers.

"You want to overthrow led zeppelin into the trashcan?" Jonesy asked. "Thought that's what you and bert wanted to do...."

"Nah man.... percy is a very stupid penguin and is meanie.... he stole my jojo siwa socks," jimmy explained.

ah damn turns out robert plant is the villain of the story and should be died. he is too powerful. his hair will slice the fuck out of anyone.

"You got a plan?" Jonesy asked.

"i say we steal his pants and burn them and use them as an alternative to oil," he explained. damn science class. then this guy named bonzo showed up and began to beat them with his drum sticks.

"BONZO CALM THE FUCK DOWN! AHHHHHHHHH!!!" james yelled.

"sorry but robert said to beat you both with them!" bonzo yelled back.

jonesy dug through his pants and took out a bunch of swedish fish gummies.

"hey look! fish gummies! come and get it boy!"

"bitch what the fuck I am not some stupid dog for you to be doing that time of shit you small Motherfucker heman lookin hoe short shit," bonzo said.

"GIMME GIMME OH SHIT!" he attacked Jonesy.

jimmy page the god of led zeppelin stood there watching while cheering them on fight fight fight! it got in here so he removed his trousers and threw them at bonzo which ended up knocking him out.

"oh shit! your pants are powerful! we can use it to kill percy!" Jonesy shouted.

"NO! JIMBERT MUST GO CANON!" Jimmy yelled and jumped out the window. all you heard was splash. that motherfucker jumped into the pool and is now wet. that's a disturbing image. Jonesy rolled his eyes and went back to doing whatever the fuck he was doing. it all of a sudden got really bright outside. oh the sun came out cause it was cloudy. but wait! Jonesy looked out the window and spotted robert plant heading towards him.

"IM THE GOLDEN GOD-" that motherfucker fell inside of the pool and sizzled. cual pinche golden god ese no mas anda haciendo puros desmadres y estupideces de mario.

that was the end of led zeppelin.

[orange-waterfalls]

Say It Back (2/2)

The Host x gender neutral!reader

@thekillingjoke-haha ty for the request(still)

Part 1

A/N: ok i know i made a playlist called "songs to cry to" and listened to it while writing a sappy fic but..... I didn't think I'd actually cry??? I had no idea how to end it I'm sorry ahvsgsvs. also I feel like should point out that I do headcanon that Host is on the aromantic scale, so that's why you are the literal only person who he has fallen in love with. Because. You're special???? I guess????? But uh I hope u like this. Rated T for cursing. Enjoy???

Word Count: 2.4k

Requests are open!

--

“Host, what the fuck are we doing?” Illinois asks with his hands on his hips.

Host sighs and stops pacing the floor. He turns to the egos- excluding Bim, who is behind him- who he has lined up in the living room. A day has passed since you went on that date with that guy. Host has no idea who he is, but he doesn’t like him.

“Host needs you all to help him,” Host states, his voice managing to stay flat though he was experiencing many emotions at the moment. Not all of the egos were present. The more serious/dangerous ones(i.e. The Googles, Darkiplier, Yandere, etc.) were not there. He’d also kicked out the ones he didn’t trust with something this important(i.e. Ed, Silver Shepard, King of the Squirrels, etc.). There is still a fair amount of them, however.

“Help? Wit what?” Yancy asks. The Host takes a deep breath.

“Host… wants to tell Y/N he’s in love with them…” A series of cheers, groans, and sounds of money being passed follow his statement.

“Okay, but what do we have to do with this?” Dr. Iplier gestures to himself and the nearly identical people next to him.

“Host… is not the most familiar with romantic relationships…” Host explains softly, “He does not know what to do… he needs help…” The room is silent and the Host’s heart beats softly in his ears.

“Oh, hell yeah!” Bing cheers. The other egos join and agree to help. Host swells with joy. These people are maniacs but, dammit, they’re family. Basically, anyways. “So, what do we do?”

“Hm?” Host is snapped out of his thoughts.

“Well, what are we supposed to do? Is there a plan or something?” Host stares at Bing. He… hadn’t thought of that. A plan… would be useful… in this specific situation… hm…

“Uh…” Host scratches his neck while he thinks. Bim rolls his eyes.

“Oh, Christ. Fine,” he pulls a chair up to the coffee table in front of them while the others sit across from him on the couch and in the seats.

“Does… Does Bim have a plan?” Host’s eyebrows raise in surprise.

“I have a lot of free time and believe you me, I knew you wouldn’t be able to do this yourself,” Bim explains. Some of the egos chuckle while Host blushes.

“Now,” He leans forward, as do the rest of them, “Here’s what we’ll do…”

--

Host does not know how he let himself get into this situation.

He is holding a bouquet of flowers, standing in the middle of your house, wearing a bowtie, of all things, waiting for you to get back. And when you got back, he’d take you to the movies, then to dinner, then the park and he’d finally confess his everlasting love for you while you watched the sunset. And then he’d go in for the kiss. Perfect.

Except… not perfect. Bim neglected to explain what he was supposed to do while all these activities were taking place. He didn’t do romance! He didn’t know how to talk to people! What is he supposed to talk about? The weather? His job? The goddamn election? What?!

Host took a deep breath to slow his beating heart. He could feel the blood threatening to drip from his eyes. He squared his shoulders and faced your door. You should be here soon. Bim said you’d be here soon.

Bim had a plan. Like, a plan plan. An “I have been waiting for this moment for so long that I already have every single detail planned down to the letter” plan. Illinois and Yancy would pretend to get in a fight outside your work. You’d go outside and break it up. You’d ask them what the fight was about, they’d give a stupid answer and you’d tell them to go home. Then Eric would show up, tell you that he thought he left something at your house the last time he was there and he really, really needed it. You’d tell your boss you needed to go home. You’d go home, open your door, and boom! Host takes you out. On a date.

Bim, King, and Dr. Iplier would take care of the rest. Bim would make sure the theater was clear… by doing whatever he does… Dr. Iplier would call the people who reserved a table at a fancy restaurant that they’re dying and need to get to the hospital immediately. King would make sure the park was clear by getting his squirrels to scare people away. It was perfect.

...

What the hell is he doing? He isn’t… like this. This is false advertising for what would actually happen if you two are to date. He’d probably spend a whole day writing and then hug you when you went to bed. Maybe a kiss.

But this? Movies(that he can’t watch)? Fancy restaurants? Watching the sunset? This isn’t him. Is it too late to cancel?

Host stiffens when he hears your car pull into the driveway.

30 seconds to make a decision. A) He can stay and go through with the plan or B) he can throw himself out the window.

He hears your keys in the lock and there is apparently an unforeseen third option where he walks out the back door like a sensible person. He breathes heavily once he’s in your backyard.

Okay. Bim’s plan is officially ruined. Great. What now?

He can go home and tell the other egos how he’s an absolute failure and literally cannot do a single thing right.

Or…

Or he could ask you out. His way. On his own, without any help from Bim. He heard you walk around your apartment, talking with Eric.

“So, what did you leave?” You ask. Host feels the dopamine flow through his brain at the sound of your voice. Unknowingly, he smiles.

“I-I-I don’t know. B-But it w-was i-important!” Eric stutters. He’s a really bad actor…

“Okay, it’s okay, we can look,” You respond gently. Host clutches the flowers tightly. You’re so… gentle. You’re so wonderful with Eric, so patient with the kid. You know what he’s been through, and you try to help and understand him. You did the same thing with Host. Maybe that’s why he likes you so much…

“U-Um, I-I think this is it,” Eric says after a few minutes of rustling around.

“Really? I thought this was mine…”

“O-Oh, uh… m-maybe i-it’s n-not--”

“No, no! You have it! Better safe than sorry.”

“O-Okay… um… a-are y-you sure?”

“Yeah, absolutely. I can get another one, it’s fine.”

“A-Alright… thanks!”

“No problem. Bye, Eric! Have a great day! Don’t forget to take your meds!”

“Okay… B-Bye, Y/N!”

Host bites his lip to suppress the happy chuckle that threatens to come out. He thought your interaction was the purest thing in the world. You’re… so… great.

Great? Really? That’s the best word he can come up with? Not “exceptional”, not “tremendous”, “marvelous”, “magnificent”, “stupendous”, “extraordinary”, “outstanding”...

He’s an author, for Chrissakes!

How was it that you took away all of his cognitive ability by just… being you?

Goodness, he had it bad, didn’t he?

Host jumps at the buzzing on his thigh. He takes the phone out of his pocket and answers. He hesitantly brings the phone to his ear. He has a feeling about what’s going to happen.

“Um… Hello?” He whispers.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Yancy yells. Host flinches at the volume.

“I-”

“What the hell happened to the plan? What is your problem?” Illinois interrupts.

“Well-”

“Dude, we were rooting for you!” Bing takes the phone next. Host frowned, starting to get annoyed.

“If-”

“We’re trying to help you,” Dr. Iplier said, calmer than the rest.

“Everything was ready,” King said from somewhere in the background.

“Host,” Bim finally took the phone, “What happened?” Host was silent for a minute. “Host?”

“Oh, is Host allowed to speak now?” He teases. Bim chuckles.

“Yeah, sorry… Just… what happened?” Host sighs.

“Host… realized… he wants to do this… his way. Without help. He doesn’t need it. Y/N will either like him, or they won’t. All this… fancy stuff won’t change that. Host needs to do this on his own,” Host explains. The phone is silent. He’s begun to realize that silence does not equal upset. Bim snorts.

“Well, you could’ve fucking said that before we convinced that young couple that they’re dying,” He laughs. Host flushes and he’s glad no one’s around to see it.

“Host is sorry…”

“Eh, it’s fine. I’m sure if I ask Wilford, we can do all the shit you were supposed to,” Host can hear Bim’s smile when he talks, “Good luck Host.” He hangs up, and Host is left sitting on your back porch.

Ok. New plan.

Host tears the bowtie off and throws it in your trash, along with the flowers. Hopefully, you wouldn’t mind.

He straightened his back and cleared his throat, raising his fist to knock on your door. He paused.

Wait. What if you didn’t like him? What if you were already dating the guy? Did romantic relationships work that way? He wouldn’t know.

He shook his head and knocked three times. He’d deal with that when he got to it.

The door opens to reveal… you. You’re wearing sweatpants and a Pokemon hoodie. You raise an eyebrow at him, a slightly annoyed look on your face.

God, you’re perfect.

“Host? May I help you?” Your face softens when you see who it is. The Host swallows nervously.

“Uh… may the Host come in?” You nod and step back, allowing him to step into your house. His knees would have buckled with the sheer smell of the house if he hadn’t been here before. The whole place smells like you and he nearly collapsed the first time.

“Would you… like a drink?”

“No, thank you.”

“Okay, well…” You both stand across from each other, a few feet apart. “What would you-”

“The Host likes Y/N,” Host blurts out. You blink at him, hand in mid-gesture.

“What?” You ask quietly. The Host takes a shaky breath and grounds himself. He is going to get through this, no matter how embarrassing or traumatizing it may be.

“The Host… I… I like you. I love you. I am… in love… with you…” He says slowly, not fully comprehending what’s coming out of his mouth. “I like you. Say it back, please.”

“Say it back, please”? Really?! Could you sound any more desperate?

He looks up to see your head tilted slightly. Why were you so cute?

“Okay…” You furrow your eyebrows, “Elaborate?” Host takes another breath and swallows. His throat is very dry. Maybe he should’ve said yes to the drink…

“Host… is in love with you. He has been for a while. He’s not sure when it started, but he knows it’s a very strong feeling. He loves to hear Y/N talk and laugh and… walk around and… do anything. And… he thinks they are such a wonderful person and he wants to be the one to make them happy… he wants to be the one they go on dates with and come home to… because… he loves them…” Host holds his breath while he waits for the response. The suspense might actually kill him at this point.

“I… like you,” You finally say. Host knits his eyebrows together.

“What?” He asks.

“You… you said to say it back…” you whisper, “And… if it happens to be true… that’s not my fault…” Hosts eyebrows raise as high as they can go.

“What?” He repeats, barely louder than a whisper. He hears the floor creak as you walk over to him and he breathes heavily in response. What’s happening? What are you doing? What’s going on?

His breath hitches when you take his hand and intertwine your fingers with his.

“I love you too, Host.” You whisper. The Host feels extremely light headed. You love him? You love him? No, no, no… but…

“But… date… with… guy…” Host murmurs. There goes the brain function.

“I went out with him to try and get over you…” you admitted, “I didn’t think you actually liked me…”

“Why… not?”

“I’m not… anything special--”

“Yes! Yes, you are!” He raises his voice, “You are… exceptional! And tremendous! And marvelous, magnificent, stupendous, extraordinary, outstanding… and… so much more!” You stifle a laugh.

“You really think so?”

“Yes!” You chuckle. You shift your hand so that you’re holding his fingers in your hand. You rub your thumb over his knuckles. He begins to shake slightly. Too much. He was going to pass out.

“So… what now?”

“Hm?” Host turns his head from your hand holding his to your face.

“What do we do now?”

“Host is not sure, he didn’t think he would get this far…” You laugh out loud this time and a smile appears on the Host’s face.

“Well… do you want to awkwardly kiss?”

“That… It would be nice…”

You shuffle forward a bit so you’re very close to the Host. He stands completely still, not exactly sure what to do with himself. You lay a gentle hand on his cheek and kiss him. Not deep, not… sensual, just… a small kiss. Host still gets very flushed by it and his cheek is very hot on your hand. You pull back after a few seconds.

“How… was that?” You squeak.

“Good… it was… it was good…” He pants. You both stand there, unmoving. Then, you start to giggle.

“We… are adults… and we’re acting like teenagers…” You laugh. Host smiles.

“That… we are…” Host starts laughing as well. You laugh at each other and how ridiculous you’re being before you remove your hand from the Host’s. He immediately misses the contact. You wrap your arms around him and hold him tightly in a hug. Host hesitantly wrapped his around you. You stood, swaying a bit, feeling very comfortable.

“This is nice,” you sigh.

“It is.”

“What do you wanna do now?”

“Host is… a bit hungry…” You snicker.

“Alright. I’ll make something.” You pull away and Host chases after your warmth. You lead him to the living room and sit him down on the couch. You go to the kitchen, leaving the Host alone with his thoughts.

You… like him. You… love him. How long have you loved him? Why didn’t he know? Is he really just that stupid around you?

He sighs and traces his knuckles with a finger.

He loves you… you love him…

He couldn’t remember the last time he was this happy...

[anastasiaskarsgard]

TO THE ANON THAT ASKED FOR A SMUTTY CHEATER BILL STORY HERE YA GO. I INITIALLY DELETED THE REQUEST BECAUSE I DONT CONDONE CHEATING BUT THEN I THOUGHT, ITS FAN FICTION. NO ONE TAKES IT SERIOUSLY AND IVE GOTTEN A FEW REQUESTS FOR THIS SO HERE YA GO.

Here’s part 1: https://anastasiaskarsgard.tumblr.com/post/188138288236/this-is-a-really-involved-request-so-im-breaking

And here is PART 2

Warning!!! Smut 18+ mature content.

As we pulled into the parking lot, everything hit me at once. I had literally witnessed my dog get murdered, the man I thought was perfect was Satan himself, I have no belongings, I don’t know anyone but Randi here. But then I remembered all the good like I was free, I’m not dead, I have the best friend in the whole world, I already found a job and got paid a lot for basically getting to be near the hottest guy ever and there’s photographic evidence, and literally the world is my oyster. I even get to go to Canada! Hayden Christensen lives there! I look over at Randi and can’t help but laugh when I see her sassy face. She is not a fan of feeling sorry for yourself. “Sorry, I’ll stop. They’re happy tears! I swear! I’m so happy I have you, and we’re going on this adventure. I’m just grateful.”

“Wow. Don’t cry Bitch. You’ll fuck up your make up.” my best friend joked.

I chuckled, and gave her a hug, then stood straight out of the car and let her lead the way to see if everyone had gotten a table together in Mortons.

We found everyone taking their seats. I took the closest open seat next to the photographer and Randi sat between Andy and Bill across from us. I didn’t want to look at Bill and have Randi give me shit, so I read the entire menu like 3 times to avoid looking up. We all ordered, and then Andy had the idea for everyone to introduce themselves:

“Ok since everyone is from all over the place, let’s do a fun little ice breaker. I’ll start. My name is Andy, I’m from the beautiful country of Argentina and I’m a Director as I’m sure you all know, let’s be more original, I know! Name your fear! I’m afraid of drowning.”

“My name is Randi, I’m from Kalamazoo Michigan, I’m an artist and I’m afraid of flying.”

“Ok hi everybody! I’m Bill, I’m from Stockholm Sweden, I’m a human and I’m afraid of being alone.”

I giggled like an idiot, froze and looked over at Randi, who was smiling at me, shaking her head. Dammit.

“My name is Barbara and I’m Andy’s sister, and I am afraid of creepy crawly things.”

“I’m Maria from Brazil, I am photographer and I fear bad lighting and flaky models. Thank goodness for Liv appearing like magic and save the day.” She smiled at me warmly and squeezed my hand.

I felt everyone’s eyes on me, and could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn't bear to look at Bill or Randi, so I stared down in my lap and could feel my face heating up. “I’m Liv from Las Vegas, I guess I’m a model for now and I’m afraid of being a failure, velociraptors, roller coasters, centipedes and public speaking.” I chuckled uncomfortably. I ramble when I’m nervous.

“I’m afraid of velociraptors as well,” Bill laughed. “Jurassic Park ruined me as a child.”

Everyone laughed heartily at Bill’s expense but I felt appreciative of him making my ridiculous fear seem more credible and drawing attention away from my obvious nervousness. I snuck a peek at him and he winked at me playfully.

I didn't know what to think of this beautiful man. My initial reaction to him had been negative. He seemed like every other snobby Hollywood type, complete with crazy girl problems, but as the day progressed, he surprised me over and over with how genuine he seemed to be.

As lunch went on, Randi and Maria were talking technical terms, so Bill and I looked at each other and just smiled and shrugged our shoulders. It wasn't like we were being ignored, just everyone except us was wrapped up in their own conversations. I was content with that too, but then an ice cube flew into my cleavage.

My eyes shot open and I observed a very amused Bill trying to contain his laughter but not doing a very good job.

”I promise I’m not an asshole. I have just been trying to get your attention since we got here. So how long you been in LA?” He asked me like i was the most interesting thing he’d ever encountered.

”What time is it? Less than 24 hours.”

His eyes went wide and he choked on his drink a bit, then began to laugh at himself . ”wow, and you already booked a major job? Who is your agent? Are you an actress or just gorgeous... I mean a model.”

”you are super smooth Bill. I’m kidding! Don’t pout you’ll get wrinkles.” I had to give him some shit. “I don’t have an agent because I don’t have any interest in fame at all.”

He looked impressed by that for some reason. ”so what brought you here?”

”Randi is my best friend, and I needed a change of scenery.” I said making sure to avoid eye contact. I knew I was just being paranoid, but I felt like he could look into my soul, with the intensity he was looking at me with. I’m a terrible liar, so I’m convinced if I look at him, he’ll see I’m not being honest. I didn't want to mention the literal hell id escaped to be here.

I could still feel his gaze on me, and I caught Andy looking between us with an unreadable expression. He's a director so he probably can read people really well.

Shit. I’m probably just being my normal neurotic psycho self. No one probably gives two shits about me, and this is all in my head. These people are famous and successful. I’m just another one of the millions of girls that they encounter in LA.

Maria tapped my shoulder. “Hi honey, can you switch seats with your friend? I want to show some my work?”

I smiled and agreed, but the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy as I took my seat by Bill. He was texting so I got my phone out to play a game or two. Suddenly I felt Bill’s leg press up against mine. I looked over at him, but he just continued with his phone, but was clearly smirking. Just then The food arrived and I was famished, so all other thoughts were abandoned.

“Wow! You eat real food!” Andy exclaimed.

“Oh it’s not fair! Liv has always eaten whatever she wants and doesn’t gain a pound.” Randi whined.

I blushed feeling all the attention on myself again. I wanted to fade into my surroundings like a chameleon. “I like to eat.”

I looked at Bill and he was off his phone but I could tell he was watching me as he ate.

“What?” I asked finally, when he didn’t stop looking at me.

“You’re very interesting.” He said.

“How?” I scoffed.

“Well for starters you’re drop dead gorgeous but you don’t like being the center of attention. Am I right?”

“I wouldn’t go with drop dead gorgeous, maybe conventionally attractive. There’s not really anything wrong with me, but there’s nothing to write home to your mother about either.”

He chuckled. “See? There you go again. You’re humble and funny too.”

I could feel my face burning so I excused myself to go use the restroom, but Bill said he’d show me where it was since he needed to smoke and make some calls.

I was fully aware where it was, but agreed and figured I’d let him show me. He turned before we reached the bathroom and he opened a door that appeared to almost blend in to the wall, revealing a very plush, luxurious bathroom with a large vanity.

“Oh my gosh is this like the Secret VIP potty?” I asked. I had always heard about secret lounges and VIP cool stuff so I was ecstatic to actually see one. I probably seemed like such a dork but I didn’t care.

“Something like that.” He said following me inside and locking the door behind him. I turned around to tell him there only appeared to be one toilet, when he took a couple steps and closed the distance between us and kissed me, pinning me against the wall.

He pulled back and looked down into my eyes, “I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you.” He said deepening the kiss again.

I stepped aside to move out from under him and caught my breath. “Your girlfriend though!”

“It’s over with her. It’s been stale a long time” He said as he wrapped his arm around my waist. “Don’t worry, I'm sick of her. I much rather have you. Do you have a boyfriend?” He pulled me against him again and my God the man was so good looking.

“Nope. I’d have kicked you if I did, I’m not a cheater.” I couldn’t believe his lips were on me. I tried to think and get ahold of myself and be rational, but as he kissed down my neck and groped my breasts, it was getting hard to remember why this wasn’t the best idea ever.

“. Listen, you’re very attractive Bill. Like best looking guy I’ve ever seen attractive, and I’m flattered, but we should get back. They’re gonna wonder.”

“This dress is killing me though, and youre so so beautiful.” He groaned lustilly, as he slowly slid my dress’ strap down, continuing his way down, kissing down my throat to my chest. He exposes my breast and looks up to make sure I wasn’t going to object, but when I just bit my lip, he placed his mouth on my nipple, suckling at my breast. He releases it with a popping sound, and slips a hand under my skirt, rubbing me through my panties, as he sucksin a breath through his teeth, before going for my other breast. This motherfucker is gonna kill me. How can one man be so hot and what did I do in a past life to deserve this shit? Seriously universe? How do I carry on knowing his tongue was on my nipple?

He hiked my skirt up to brush his fingertips across my folds. He bit my bottom lip and then pulled his hand out from under my skirt, and sensually tasted his fingers before leading me to the large round cushioned ottoman at the vanity, trying to get me to sit.

“What are you up to? You’re - this is so bad.” I tell him as he pushes me down lightly as he kisses me passionatly.

He looked deep in my eyes. “Please let me taste you and make you feel good. I don’t expect anything from you and I don’t do this type of thing ever, but I’ve honestly never wanted to see what someone tastes like more in my life.”

FUCK. Who in the hell could say no to that?

All I could do is nod, too shocked to fully comprehend that this was really happening.

He got on his knees in front of me and I couldn’t help but admire his gorgeous features. As crazy as it sounds, he had the most beautiful bone structure; severe and angular, yet it was offset by his big green eyes with their long sweeping lashes, luscious plump full lips, and adorable perfect little child-like nose. His hair was silky and thick and he smelled like mint and soap.

I watched as he pulled my underwear off and placed them in his pocket, before leaning me back with one hand, as the other lifted my dress. He bit my inner thigh gently, but still sent a thrill up my spine causing me to visibly shudder.

“I haven’t even started yet,” he smirked up at me cockily, before pressing his mouth to my sex before I had time to reply. I’d had my pussy eaten before, but nothing like this. There was no sign of nervousness or insecurity that some men display when they go down there. Like you can tell they’re not sure what the fuck to do, but Bill was sure of himself and seemed to genuinely love doing it. He was so enthusiastic and it felt so amazing. I never had done something like this in my life, and wouldn’t even kiss on a first date, yet here I am. I was scandalized and aroused, and so close to an orgasm it was shocking.

“You gonna cum for me baby?. I love how you look right now.... Cum on my face.... please?” He pleaded and pushed another finger inside of me. I couldn’t look at him. It was all too much.

I let out a moan as he moved his fingers and tongue in such a combined effort, that I reached out and gripped his hair, pressing his face against me as my release crashed down on me, violently shaking me, and making everything go white, as it wound down. It was seriously one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had, and it took me longer than a polite amount of time to realize I was still holding his face, and immediately released him”I’m so sorry, I didn't realize I- .”

“Sshhh.” He said chuckling and came up and kissed me deeply. “Can you taste yourself on me?”

I nodded shyly, looking away to break eye contact. He was so intense and I wasn’t sure what he would want me to do to return the favor.

He put his finger under my chin and pulled my face back over to look in his eyes. “You’re beautiful.”

I looked back at him, waiting to see what he did next. I was surprised he wasn't taking his pants off, but was too shy to try and take them off myself. I really wanted to though, and that surprised me. I wanted him to fuck me and wasn’t going to think about it, just do it. Like Nike.

He stood up and helped me to my feet, and helped smooth my dress out. He pulled me into another kiss and I could feel how excited he was.

“Let me make you feel nice now.” I mentally scolded myself for saying something so not sexy but just looked up at him with my best doe eyed look.

“You’re so cute. Don’t worry about me, just yet. I don’t want a quickie in a bathroom with you, I want like a bed and many. many. hours. I want to impress you.”

“I’m fucking impressed Bill.”

He chuckled and bit his lip, and you could see the wheels turning. “I really want to fuck you but I also don’t wanna be too long and full disclosure, Andy threatened serious bodily harm not to touch you. Said you’re a heartbreaking man eater.”

“Randi advised me to avoid you because you’re a foreign actor that’s too good looking for his own good. You’re obviously a monster.”

We both got a good laugh out of that.

“What’s your phone number?” He asked taking out his phone.

“I don’t currently have one. I need to get one. I lost mine yesterday.”

He looked at me incredulously. “If you don’t want to give me your number it’s ok.”

“No. Take Randi’s number, that’s the phone I was using earlier anyways, that way you can call, cuz I don’t have a pen or anything.”

“How about your email, and then you can send me your number when you get it. Randi might catch on if I call her phone.”

“You’re so smart! You’ll see me in a week on your new movie too.”

“Really? That’s the best news I got all day but if you think I’m waiting a week to be inside you, you’re insane. Now go, just say I went to smoke and make calls if they ask where I am. I’ll give it a couple minutes.”

I gave him my email and walked out the door to go try and act like the hottest fucking thing to ever happen in my life, didn’t just go down. When I turned the corner, I nearly threw up and cane to a screeching halt. I met eyes with the estranged exgirlfriend. I didn’t wanna seem weird so I smiled and sat down to finish my meal, since turning around and running the other direction might bad. I mean as far as I was concerned he was single, so I had no reason to feel guilty of anything. And I didn’t plan on admitting that happened to anyone, so not telling her was totally fine. She tapped on my arm and I cautiously turned to her.

“Did you see Bill by chance?” She asked politely.

“He said he was smoking and making some important calls when he left the table earlier.”

She laughed a little and rolled her eyes, “that man and his cigarettes! I blame Hemlock Grove for turning him into a chainsmoker. He’s probably smoked two or three in a row.”

“All this talk about smoking makes me want one, I’ll go find him. Excuse me ladies.” Andy said, as he quickly walked towards the exit to find Bill.

“He’s probably going to warn Bill that I’m here. We got in a fight earlier and he can be such a brat. Watch when he comes back, he’ll pretend like nothing happened.”

Maybe she didn’t realize he really was done with her. She had a funny accent so I assumed she’s Swedish too. He was probably her only friend out here so I couldn’t help but pity her.

“Between silent treatments and smoking, Bill would be dead by morning.” Randi said with a mischievous wink.

“Oh if you could see his hissy fits, they’re the worst!” She enthused. “Anything in his hands he’ll throw and if it’s something like a sandwich or drinks and won’t hurt you, he’ll throw it on you. But then if I try and ignore him, he’ll lay on me like a big dead weight until I speak.” His girlfriend said, laughing hysterically. Everyone joined in telling stories of past boyfriends that were grown men, having varying degrees of tantrums, but I just sat silently. My ex story wasn’t funny.

Andy and Bill came back and I could feel an anxiety attack creeping up on me.

I looked up and Bill was staring at me and I looked to Randi and she had a puzzled look on her face. In an effort to not give anything away to her, my eyes shot back up to Bill.

Bill looked furious. He seethed animosity and I just looked down at my plate to avoid that glare. I wasn't sure if I was the cause or she was, but I desperately wanted to run out of the place screaming and looked at Randi again pleading with my eyes to go. She seemed to catch on and I tried to keep it together.

His ex got up and rushed over to him. Just as I looked up, she planted a soft kiss on his cheek. My eyes narrowed involuntarily as he glanced over at me, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. His girlfriend grabbed his face and kissed him right on the lips.

I felt like I was going to throw up. Tears threatened to spill but I held them back as I stared at my lap. I kept seeing Bill’s eyes as he looked up at me from between my legs. Flashes of him pinning me to the wall, or oh my fucking god! My underwear are in his pocket!

My pussy is on his face too and he just kissed her.

He seemed so genuine, but he was an actor, what did I expect. Faking Feelings and emotions was how he paid the bills. I couldn’t believe how stupid and guillable I was! He probably got off on this shit. Poor woman. I was exaggerating when I’d said he was a monster but goddammit I was right!!!

”Ok thank you for inviting us and I can't wait to see whoever is going to join us in Toronto, but Liv and I must be off for an important appointment and then packing.” Randi said her goodbyes as I walked around the table and stood beside her, keeping my back to Bill.

”Bye everybody. I had fun” I said Sweetly and then I turned on my heel and walked past Bill without a glance.

”See you two in Toronto.” Bill called after us, and even though I refused to look at him, I could feel his eyes burning into my back as we walked away.