#I'm sick my brain isn't functioning normally lol

[lulu-the-bugaboo]

Having Ace as a fav is weird because the takes I see on him are either the type I've always wanted on my favs, digging into his character despite the low screentime and sharing fascinating views or the most brain dead, disappointing, shallow takes known to man

There is no in-between

[welcome-to-latveria]

Couldn't give a fuck about any of the drama surrounding the Snow White remake until I saw they gave Sleepy the dwarf 'narcoleptic cataplexy' (not even what it's called ffs) for laughs and in the process mixing up 2 extremely serious narcolepsy symptoms and misrepresenting them for the sole purpose of comedy. Congrats Disney you made comedy out of people suffering from a rare debilitating neurological disorder! Fun! This shit is not cute it's not comedic it actively harms people with narcolepsy and their families. For years I ignored my symptoms because I had been convinced by shitty portrayals like this in the media that narcolepsy meant you randomly fell asleep despite the fact that's an extremely uncommon presentation of the disease. I guess showing the debilitating reality of it is not comedic enough for Hollywood so they'd rather do the same fucking joke over and over again because hey look isn't it hilarious how some people in real life have damaged brains that means they will never again have a normal sleep-wake cycle? Isn't that literally the funniest thing you can think of? Like isn't it SO funny how I'll never sleep through the night without waking up ever again in my life? Isn't it SO funny how me and every other person with narcolepsy are living functionally sleep deprived for our whole lives? Isn't it SO funny how everyone now recognises how important sleep is to your health and mood but people with narcolepsy are biologically incapable of ever having that proper restful sleep that is so fundamental to a healthy lifestyle? I'm sick to death of the media using narcolepsy for laughs they wouldn't fucking dare to do this with any other neurological condition ffs like they would rightly be ripped to shreds if they made a character who had epileptic seizures for comedic effect but when it comes to narcolepsy it's just carte blance I guess lol

[actuallyadhd]

hi, sorry in advance if this isn't the kind of thing you are open to getting in your inbox, but i just don't know what to do with my feelings. i really hate my adhd. i spent my youth cruising through school and high achiever programs, being told i was going places, and nowadays i am nothing short of completely useless. i'm early in diagnosis to where i'm just starting with medication (15mg of ritalin twice a day at this stage) and haven't effects yet. it's already clear that the dose i'm going to need will be embarrassingly high.

ever since i told my friends, it's obvious that the diagnosis came out of left field for them and that they see me differently. i keep catching them giving me sympathetic looks after zoning out, fiddling with something, or presenting some other stereotypical symptom. i tried mentioning to them how i'm not getting results out of meds yet as a means of whinging since it is making me anxious and a little impatient, and their response was completely uninformed medical advice about how i should be taking them. they're also all talking about how they all probably have adhd too since we 'tend to glom together'. they're all straight-A students with no symptoms or functional issues, so i find this a little condescending. i might be imagining how they've starting talking down to me/talking slower. the diagnosis made me feel stupid enough without them acting like this, and now i just feel like a human joke.

i don't really know what the point of what i'm writing is anymore, but i'm struggling to get any assignments in, failing all my tests, my friends treat me different, my parents are unabashedly disappointed, the meds are taking too long to work, i'm lazy, dysfunctional, getting dumber every day, and my head is too fucking loud to keep living in.

i'm sick of how trying to have a thought feels like being a sentient pile of spaghetti wading through tar, and of not being able to read if my brain decides a particular paragraph is not to its liking, of not remembering anything, of struggling and not even being able to remember and articulate what with, and all the other bullshit. i probably just have to wait this out while we figure out meds, but i'm sorry for using this inbox to vent because i think that's what i'm doing as i can't really go to my friends. feel absolutely no pressure to respond, i might have just needed to wright this down and see it sent off somewhere. any advice is welcome if you have it though, lol.

Sent August 16, 2024

Oof, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. There's a lot here, so I'm going to try and go through it a bit at a time and tackle everything as I go.

First, this is absolutely the kind of thing I'm here to try and help with. No worries at all on that.

Second, this is a long one, so I'm putting in a cut.

I understand hating your ADHD. You feel how you feel, and that's okay. Reaching out for help is a fantastic way to deal with those emotions.

It sounds like you were a gifted student, and now that you have less of a schedule being imposed on you, you're struggling. That is totally normal, but it also sucks a lot.

You aren't "achieving your potential" or meeting expectations, and at this point they aren't just others' expectations, they're your own. I spent several months working through this issue years ago, and it still comes up for me regularly! The friend who walked me through it was incredibly patient with me, and their job in this case seemed to mainly consist of "why do you think you need to do this thing?" and then just continually asking why until we got to the bottom of it all.

Once you know what's at the base of the expectations, you're in a way better position to decide whether they're expectations you want to try to meet.

One of the good things about getting diagnosed is that it gives you information. Now you know why things are hard, and you can start looking for solutions that will actually work with your brain. You may find some of those solutions here, and you can always ask for help with specific issues.

Now, it's possible that Ritalin/methylphenidate isn't the right medication for you. It is also possible that the dose is too low; I don't know a lot about doses for Ritalin (I was initially put on Concerta but it was Very Bad so we switched to Dexedrine/amphetamine) but I used to know someone who took 150mg Ritalin every day, so that's a thing.

As for your friends, talk to them about how they're acting. Tell them that you don't appreciate the jokes or the different treatment. Explain that ADHD has been there all along, it just wasn't discovered earlier because your giftedness hid it. You are not a different person.

Having ADHD doesn't make you stupid. We've already established that you're gifted. I know what that's like; I was this flavour of twice-exceptional, too, and I was 28 with my ADHD was finally diagnosed. I know that doesn't help how you feel right now, but it is true.

For your school stuff, talk to your instructors about getting extensions so you can try to get caught up. Go to your school's disability services office and talk to them about what you can access in terms of accommodations. Set yourself a schedule for studying and working on assignments that you stick to no matter what.

I'm not sure why your parents are disappointed. If it's your school performance, I get it. Showing them that you're doing your best will help a lot with that. If it's the ADHD itself, that's not your fault. ADHD is hugely genetic, so it's just a thing that happens and probably you have relatives who also have ADHD, or at least people who would probably qualify for a diagnosis.

Medication can take a while to figure out, and it can be difficult to deal with waiting while you get the right medication and the right dose. At the same time, you may not notice a difference right away; so much depends on the person and the medication.

Now, you are not lazy or getting "dumber" every day. You have ADHD, which means you have executive dysfunction. That is hard because the world is not set up for people like us, so when we struggle we compare ourselves to other people and that's never a good idea.

I have a suggestion for helping you feel better about yourself, and then I have some resources for you to look at.

Start a scrapbook that's just about good things about you. Make a page for things you're interested in (or a page per interest). Do something about your favourite colour, things you have done for other people, etc. The idea is that then you can look at this book and remind yourself of the good things about who you are as a person.

As for resources, here are a couple of posts over on the main Actually ADHD site that might help with some of what you're struggling with. Most of the posts there include printables, so do have a look and see if those might help you at all.

Followers, do you have any other suggestions for this anon?

-J

[adelle-ein]

rambling about the ocd

so yeah yesterday not only did my ocd therapist tell me i have the highest ocd score she's ever seen (and like, she is not a new or inexperienced practitioner by any means) she told me that apparently a lot of my thought and behavior patterns are obsessive-compulsive. and a lot of them tie back to really extreme morality ocd, which actually explains a lot about the ways i've acted my entire life that were just brushed off as weird/quirky/generically anxious. even my other ocd "types" (contamination, etc) are all manifestations of severe morality ocd (i fear various forms of contamination because it makes me immoral, essentially) (that's fun).

i really didn't think it was that bad. i didn't think it was especially bad at all, truth be told, just one of the many diagnoses that make up my weirdness. but actually it's probably been the root cause for everything all along, including stuff i dismissed as just my own weirdness, like the extreme sensory processing stuff that's developed lately (fwiw i bought some new water bottles and significantly improved my hydration so working towards recovery on that). but since i don't have any compulsions that cause myself visible physical harm i didn't think it could be Real ocd. like i don't handwash to a dangerous level or self harm or starve myself, so i thought it was okay (nvm that i have caused myself extreme and permanent-feeling mental damage lol)

i've been perpetually exhausted, 24/7, since i was fourteen. because my brain's been at constant war with itself and still is and inhibits everything i do. because every single action i take is like moving through a molasses of obsessive thoughts and finishing compulsive rituals. my self esteem is somewhere in the marianas trench bc i feel like i'm constantly violating moral norms 24/7. the drugs that allow me even basic function worsen the fatigue and the brain fog and the weakness, but i need them or i literally can't stop doing compulsions. like if they stop making it or something i would need 24/7 care from my parents again bc i wouldn't be able to feed myself or shower or sleep.

i had been wondering a lot the last couple of years if i was autistic, especially with the sensory stuff, but it's now dawning on me that i just have the absolute worst fucking ocd that manifests itself in literally every aspect of my behavior and thought patterns. it looks very autistic on a surface level and gets me a high raads-r score, but probably isn't. like i could still be autistic, sure, but it's most likely that i just have incredibly severe ocd with every "less common" side effect known to man - sensory issues, routine and planning, social anxiety, stimming, etc etc. i did know that ocd/autism/adhd symptom overlap is huge but not that it was this huge.

none of this really changes anything, like i still need treatment, she's still gonna see me, but like, fucking hell. even i had been downplaying how sick i was, and probably still am, like even now i'm like well it can't be THAT bad i'm not dead :) but it is that bad. it's insanely bad. it's far worse than the "well everyone's kinda anxious and depressed right?" standard i keep tricking myself into believing i am. even now i'm STILL fucking questioning it bc i see people with ocd who seem so much worse than me but really i think that's more about what people are willing to put on the internet....i do not share my worst obsessions and compulsions generally and even when speaking privately to people i still downplay things heavily, i just can't do it. i'm extremely good at masking and hiding and downplaying because i've been doing it my whole life and a lot of my compulsive behaviors look pretty normal from the outside...but they're still very bad and the obsession levels are out of control high. and i've been doing so badly lately that i've had to step back from social media a lot because literally everything is a severe trigger at this point, from fandom drama to serious political stuff, because i get caught in a severe mental morality feedback loop every time i see something that can trigger it which is now a lot of things. but the stepping back also triggers a morality loop wheeeeeee (i see a ukraine flag emoji and have to sit there processing extremely distressing Moral Thoughts about ukraine and the war, for like...a while. to give you an idea of how severe it's gotten and why i've absolutely had to go quiet and careful with how i interact with pretty much everything, esp online where extreme positions are really common. i'm also really prone to picking up other people's anxieties and compulsions rn so again have to be SUPER careful what i look at - a tumblr poll about cleaning habits or similar can trigger compulsive behavior...)

it would be super cool if the ssa had cared about any of this but that ship's long sailed and they don't believe in or speak with therapists anyway (at least not in my state, they refused to even contact my therapist for the review they kicked me out over. even MD mental health practitioners aren't really exempt, they treated my psychiatrist incredibly rudely...)

but yeah no wonder i'm so dysfunctional and struggling so badly if i'm this abnormally ill ig

[doverjazzghost]

it's the new year's post!!

I'm not putting this under a read more bc tumblr keeps changing the website and idk where the function even is anymore. 2023 was actually pretty good! I had some huge huge growth/good developments in a lot of areas of my life: - I started voice lessons in March and working on singing has been really rewarding. Experiencing music in a different way has been challenging and it's wild feeling like a beginner at something musical again. I even did a vocal audition and sang solo in front of other people, which was a huge anxiety step for me. -My other music stuff has been going really well! I had one of my arrangements played live and 3 of my other arrangements have been recorded and mixed into tracks (2 of which were mixed by me). I also performed with a Real Professional Orchestra as a vocalist which was wild. - I finally got medical help for my headaches. I just though multi-day headaches were normal? at least for me?? but I had a lot of friends push me to go to someone about it and I guess a really effective migraine medication was developed in 2019? It's taken away 90% of my headaches and a lot of brain fog and ambient pain and it's wild to me that everyone else's lives had been like this. -I have travelled (a little bit). I still have a bit of anxiety around travelling, but I managed to go to DC, Pennsylvania, and Massachusetts and I went to 3 conventions. - My anxiety has been a lot better around driving and being out in public. - I didn't get sick at all this year! Which seems like a small thing but after the year I had last year, I am VERY grateful for that. The goals from the 2023 post: -have a symphonic arrangement I've made be performed live Yes!! Also going to have another piece performed in May 2024 and probably December 2024 -actually do it, actually travel this time Yes. I didn't get on a plane, but I did car and train travel. Also booked a trip for me and the geef to Canada for April next year and that is Real Travel. -go back to working on my anxiety and agoraphobia Yes. It isn't really fully gone (bc I think it never will be) but I am in a much better place with that. I am buying groceries in person lol. -finish this Dnd campaign lol Yes! The campaign wrapped in November? Starting a new one early 2024 and I am actually writing this one for pray for me -be more proactive in reaching out to people Kind of? I can maybe only think of 2 or 3 examples of me inviting people to do things but at least that's more than 0 lol. -focus on craftsmanship in the things that I make Eeeehhh. I actually didn't make a ton of art things this year. I did 1 cosplay, some accessories, and a few crochet plushes. I am trying to research more and I think I'm more comfortable in taking apart and re-doing thing until they're right but I definitely think I can push it more.

The goals for 2024:

Still try to reach out to people more both talking and hanging out!

Use my phone less (especially watching less short form video lol). I have already been working on this but I want to commit harder.

Work out more consistently. The really good headache medicine gives me a little fatigue which has made working out harder.

Push myself to learn new techniques re: art, cosplay, music

Get a new job. Things Have Changed at my current job and I'm just not feeling it anymore. That is the post! Happy new bear!! ฅ՞•ﻌ•՞ฅ

[rin-and-jade]

Hello, it is D again, returning with some news and answers and more questions :D

Starting off with some answers, I've only actively been aware of Shadow for a few months but they feel like they've always been there if that makes any sense? Their presence feels natural, but I wasn't consciously aware of them until like mid-July. I kinda feel him more if I talk about them ig, like he knows that they would wanna be here for that conversation? Additionally, when I feel "closer to them" per se, it does feel like my emotions are being influenced, at least slightly. Like I'll feel them move closer and I've got this tightly bound coil of anxiety in my gut that lessens when they move away again. I'm also kinda certain that he/they feels right when referring to them, like with pretty much anything else I get a strong feeling of wrong that I'm pretty sure isn't me? Idk tho

In news... there really is none. My attempts at finding stuff relating to memory and repressed trauma weren't very helpful unfortunately :/ but from talking with people apparently my particular flavour of memory loss isn't the most average of experiences so that's a thing (will probably elaborate more if I remember)

Ok questions!! This is more of a "do you guys know anything or can a follower help please" question than one that's really really intended for you guys lol but yeah. Is it a normal singlet thing to have these different personas, basically. Like you've got your online persona, your school/church/I'm-a-functional-human-being persona, your close friends persona, and your late at night persona. And these different personas are aware that the others exist and know more or less what they cover, but any specific memories with them are locked? Like for example I know that I went to school today but unless I magically become school-D right now I know zero specifics. Important to note that I have no control over when I "become" these personas, they just kind of happen. They all feel like me, but my memory is split up between them and they tend to respond to different names and have slightly different pronoun preferences. And sometimes if a memory from a time I don't have access to gets unlocked I start to get fed a lot of related memories like they're slipping through cracks in my brain and it gets rlly hard to figure out which persona I feel like :) is this normal or should I be concerned? Ideally I would like the different D's to talk to each other because online-D just straight up has no knowledge of homework existing it seems and while personally I (don't know who "I" is atm if we're going with the personas tho) don't really mind I just got a burst of agitation that I'm pretty sure wasn't me that implies that sentiment isn't shared.

There's probably some more stuff that I wanted to mention that I forgot about but my memory has been a mess lately and we're sick and I finally don't have that freaking insomnia so I'm gonna go to sleep now byee <3

I mentioned that this is from D right?

Hm.. i see, you can elaborate more with your findings later then.

yes,, it is actually normal for singlets to have different sides or "sonas" but only to an extent, they do not involve having locked memories from each other and in fact, can transition, and they know which they should be, they also know other kinds of memories (i have singlet friends and i observed them for long, but it is in my own interpretation) that isn't limited to the certain persona they're currently as.

There's a subtle sign that you're disconnected between each of your own sides? If that's how i see it. If you don't have the usual memory amnesia, what about the emotional one? Go check please, possibly look for osdd,, i hope others can give you some input too.

- j

[womenfrommars]

I'm sick of people pretending this is the same as Palestine or Afghanistan or whatever. I'm sick of people also pretending no one cared about those. People fucking cared. YOU didn't care. YOU don't actually watch the news and think no one is paying attention. YOU are indifferent or uniformed and YOU think everyone is like YOU! But you also seem unable to understand that caring about things around you more than things far away from you is NORMAL HUMAN BEHAVIOUR. YOU'D FUCKING CARE WAY MORE ABOUT YOUR HOUSE BURNING THAN SOME ONE ELSE'S HOUSE BURNING. THIS IS HOW THE HUMAN BRAIN WORKS. People become so alienated from normal human functions bc they're so online they forget how people act. "Didn't have this energy for middle eastern refugees" yeah you know why? Bc Ukrainians either seek refuge in bordering countries or they die bc the other borders are Belarus and Russia. Ukrainians are coming to my country which doesn't border Ukraine because they already have family here. There's a key nuance there but I don't expect stupid fucking yanks to be able to understand it least of all aknowledge it. And this is not comparable to Palestine or Afghanistan or any other conflict these people drag out to gotcha and play what about ism, as if they care about those anyway. This conflict has no ambiguity whatsoever - a nation attacked another with no prior threat. There is no ambiguity. Also "you don't care about *whatever conflict i say so I can seem woke*. Are your brains so rotted out that you think we can have any actual impact halfway across the world? Do you think we as regular people who happened to be born in Europe can solve the conflicts in Yemen or Ethiopia or Afghanistan or even in fucking Ukraine right now? What kind of sociopath do you need to be to be a grown adult saying shit like this while people mourn? What the fuck do you want US to do about armed conflict a world away? Post about it? Yeah, posting about it is solving the ukranian issue, right? How braindead do you have to be to think that we don't solve the conflicts in Yemen, Ethiopia, south Africa etc for lols. Do you think we have the power to stop any of this? Do YOU think you're doing ANYTHING to help those people you fucking PRETEND to care about to one-up Europeans by posting about it? Might as well post "likes charge, reblogs cast" you stupid fucking assholes.

I'm sorry, it's been a long day and the level of just absolute sociopathic behavior I've seen from Americans online is astounding. Shame on you. Pray to God no actual war comes to your country, pray to god you can seat there forever being a smug asshole and throwing around people's real tragedies so you can one-up other people going through tragic times, as if you fucking care. The Oscar should go for these ass clowns, they're really good at pretending they care about populations they don't give a fuck about and don't know anything about.

I disagree with the people saying Ukraine is only getting attention now because it's a white and/or European country. The conflict between Palestine and Israel has received a lot of media attention over the years, and the Afghanistan situation also gathered a lot of attention. The European Union is more directly involved with this conflict because we're sending weapons and posing economic sanctions on Russia. With Afghanistan my country was only involved in so far as that we evacuated our troops (poorly I might add). Americans are quite weird because on the one hand they support ''doing something'' (whatever that is) but they also oppose(d) sending the US army to Afghanistan. Maybe they just mean accepting refugees but not actually fighting back.

The other day I was on Instagram and saw the story of a Turkish girl I went to school with. She said people only care about Ukranians because they're white. Muslims have this victim complex where they think muslim victims never receive media attention just because they're muslim. As if social media isn't largely pro-Palestine because it's woke. Woke people just want to compare this situation to other situations that are not at all similar and then pretend it's all about race and/or religion or whatever seems woke to them. It's tiring and not helping. If anything it really isolates people and I think it's offensive to Ukranians to suggest they're ''privileged'' in this case just because they happen to be white. It's been a few days and we're already hearing these cold takes that nobody asked for and that help nobody. You're helping neither Ukranians nor Palestinians to compare for the Oppression Olympics. And yes, I agree people tend to care more for things that hit closer to home. I think that's normal behaviour that doesn't relate to race at all. In Europe we haven't seen a war like this since the fall of Yugoslavia, I think. People are shocked because they didn't expect to witness a war on the European Continent in their lifetime. That also ties in with why the EU was ever founded in the first place: to prevent war (and to promote economic relations). Possible EU Membership for Ukraine also comes into play here