#I've been a lot happier ever since I stopped getting my period

[cerise-on-top]

Hii love bug!! I’m backkkkk😝 I was wondering if you could do how farah and valeria would comfort you on your period since I’m currently pmsing I’m not sure if you do these type of requests because I know you write for specifically gender neutral but I’m not sure so feel free to decline!

Hey there! Welcome back! Don't worry too much about periods, they're gender neutral as well! Some men get them, some women get them, some non-binary people get them! Besides, I do write gendered reader if I can see any point in reader having a gender! Usually a request works perfectly fine without reader having a gender, though, so I default to gender-neutral readers, so anyone can read my writing!

Valeria and Farah Comforting Their S/O on Their Period

Valeria: She knows the feeling of getting PMS. Hers are, by no means as bad as they could be, she rarely ever gets any cramps that are bad enough for her to feel the need to vomit. In fact, she rarely ever gets cramps at all, she really lucked out on that one. Even all her other symptoms are mild in comparison. However, she’s more than willing to help you out if you need it. While Valeria may not be the warmest person out there, she’ll put her hand on your lower stomach to warm it up a bit if you get mild to medium cramps. If it’s any worse than that, then she’ll either get a bottle and fill it with hot water, or, if she can find it, she’ll get the hot water bottle, fill that one up with hot water and hand it to you. However, if you need anything else, she’ll also grab it for you, be it something sweet to get your mind off things or some meds to help you manage your symptoms. However, she will lightly snicker and poke fun at you for looking like you’re about to die. She’s well aware she can’t talk since the worst she gets are breast pains, but that won’t stop her from doing so anyway. Although she may hate the idea of being someone’s servant, she’ll be your “maid” for the duration of which you’re not doing too well. Makes you tea, cleans your home, gets the groceries for you. Valeria may not show it openly, but she would be concerned for you when you’re shaking in pain, she won’t even mock you ever so gently while it looks like you’re about to die. Will gently rub your back and hope it helps you somehow. She can get you any amount of pain meds, though, just give her the word. 

Farah: Her PMS aren’t as bad either. While she does get cramps, they’re not nearly as bad as they are for most other people. In an hour, two at most, they’re gone. Plus she can still move around as if nothing is happening while she does have cramps. Farah had to learn to live with the discomfort on the battlefield so that it doesn’t get in the way of her victory. A lot of lives are on the line, after all. She probably knows you’re about to get your period soon enough before you do, though. She doesn’t track it, she’s just very observant and makes the right preparations that are needed for you to be as comfortable as you could possibly be under such circumstances. Makes you your favorite food, puts on your favorite music, hell, if you want her to, she’ll even give you a massage so you can relax a bit into her touch and feel a bit better. It’s a painful time for you, but she’ll make sure you’re thoroughly comforted throughout it all. If she has the time, then she’ll cuddle you from behind and put her hand on your lower abdomen so she can warm you right up and possibly help you. If you want her to talk, that’s great, because she will. However, if hearing her voice annoys you, then she’ll just go quiet for a few moments. If she needs to go out to grab some groceries, then she’ll leave you with a heating pad so you’re sufficiently warm, even when you’re shaking as if you’re freezing. While she doesn’t have easy access to them, she, too will get you something for your PMS, some meds. However, if you wanna make the symptoms a bit better so that you don’t throw up as easily, she might get you birth control pills as well. As long as they’re compatible with your meds, if you take any. Will be more gentle with you than usual and make sure to get all the chores done that need doing so that you can rest up for the time being.

[autisticwriterblog]

Welcome to: gender thoughts and worrying with Riley

Putting this under a cut because it's all about gender dysphoria, my thoughts about potentially starting HRT, transphobia and misgendering, and also some pretty TMI details.

Okay, so I've been comfortable describing myself as a transmasc person, or a NB trans man. Something very man-adjacent. And I'm happy with he/they pronouns (although I wish my family would use he/him more often - but that sounds ungrateful because I'm so glad they all got used to they/them, even my grandparents). Basically, I'm comfortable in my gender. But I sometimes wonder if I want my body to be different.

Top surgery was, without exaggeration, one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm so much happier in myself, I can actually look at myself shirtless now, and I love touching my scars and seeing my flat chest under my shirts. I love everything about it.

But it sometimes doesn't feel like enough. I worry that everyone still views me as a girl who just cut her tits off. I met my aunt's boyfriend and within five minutes, he was talking to my aunt and said, "I was just asking Riley what sort of video games she likes." And I was sitting there in my clothes from the men's department and my buzz cut hair and my pretty androgynous appearance (I've naturally got a deeper voice for someone AFAB, I'm not that short and I have big feet, and I have a bit of very dark facial hair on my upper lip that the women in my family all pluck or bleach because they're self conscious about it, but I like it) and as I said above, my flat fucking chest under my POTF T-shirt. And yet he she/her'd me and it infuriated me. I clearly can't pass well enough to fool even someone who never met me before I came out.

(Side note: I really don't like the guy. He's a conspiracy theorist weirdo and he misgendered my aunt's god-son (not actually their relationship but it's easier to explain this way) multiple times and it was so fucking awkward. He kept asking about this couple's 'daughter' and I said "X and Y don't have a daughter" and he still kept doing it. Fucking prick.)

Anyway, this whole thing got me thinking about T again. I've always said I don't want it because you can't pick and choose what it'll give you. And for example, whilst I'd love my voice to be deeper and facial hair sounds pretty rad, I'm really not sure about the going through puberty all over again thing and there's a chance I'd lose my hair and I don't want that, and I'm 50/50 on if bottom growth would be an improvement or not. So, yeah, I always ruled it out.

But... I want to pass. I want to be read androgynous or masc, not just a butch woman. And I really think some parts of T would help. And who knows? Maybe I would like bottom growth? Who fucking knows. I'm already dysphoric about my genitals, so even though I mentioned worrying about that above, I'm not sure bottom growth could make things worse for me down there. I'm also a bit concerned about libido increase, but it's actually already been up recently since I got my first crush and I'm learning to deal with it. Plus, I did experience some of that during puberty and I survived.

Oh, and the hysterectomy thing is very likely to fall through because my doctor is fatphobic, so I'm kinda fucked about my painful periods for ages. But for a lot of people, T weakens or even stops their periods. And I keep thinking about how if that happened to me, it'd possibly solve my period dysphoria problem without having to pay £8000 for private surgery (because the NHS would never do it), assuming that my doctor would even do it even though he said he didn't have a fucking weight limit when I fucking paid £200 for a consultation. But I'm getting off topic.

Plus, I'm an impulsive person who changes his mind really easily, so my anxiety is being bitch and making me think "what if I regret it?!" even though that almost never happens and it's a fucking TERF talking point in my country. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore.

But the biggest part is... I live with my parents and I need help with a lot of things bc autism (I can't drive or go anywhere on my own and I need help with phone calls and all sorts of shit that mean I'm never going to be independent), so if they had a problem with me taking T for whatever reason, I'd be fucked. They've always been supportive and say that they'll help me with whatever as long as it makes me happy... but what if me taking hormones would be a step too far for them? My dad still hasn't seen me shirtless and I worry it's because he still thinks I'm a girl. So he might freak out. Or maybe my mum would and that would hurt even more because she's the person I love most in the world and I wouldn't want her to hate me.

I just get scared of everything. And I want to be happy and I wonder sometimes if hormones would help. Or if even bringing up the topic with my family would make everything fall apart.

[old-school-butch]

Let me explain how i think so you can answer the question better: Personally i don't think being trans makes you perfectly that sex, like I've seen post surgical images, it's a rough approximation, also i don't think minors should get hormones or surgery. I think some people unfortunately transition when they had other issues like female shame to sort out. It seems like other people feel a gross discomfort towards their bodies and transitioning cured it or at least helped it. I just, with all the back and forth, I really want to support something that will help my friends who are suffering. ------ So if there's research into alternate cures, that's something I would be interested in learning more about. Because I just don't want my friends to suffer. I have a close friend who was born a woman and is mostly attracted to men, but sees transitioning as a way to fix the crippling incongruency he's felt since childhood, he sort of sees it like disease and cure. He helped me thru a lot of stuff like when i first came out. So i really just want to support what will help people.

That’s very admirable anon. There’s not enough kindness in the world so being good to people who’ve been good to you is a wonderful thing.

Having a body is a difficult thing, it seems, for many people. So approach this problem with this frame-setting: they aren’t alone with this problem. Age, ability, size, race, and any number of smaller physical attributes have bedeviled many people over space and time to varying degrees. This is not a special or unique issue, it's a human issue and thus you can learn from other people and their strategies. Much of my critique of the modern medical approach is its ineffectiveness in reducing suffering, and causing harm by trying to treat the wrong thing. Even the more difficult mental illnesses like dysmorphia and dysphoria have been difficult to medically resolve. The most effective strategies have been time, and the acceptance that comes with maturation over time.

Older research, led by scientists and not activists, who study actual outcomes instead of self-reported feelings over longer periods of time find little support for long term improvement in mental health with medical transition. I’ve knew a trans man who passed effectively, had supportive friends and family, jobs that were basically talking about being trans… who still committed suicide. It was my first eye opening realization that maybe this wasn’t the cure-all it was advertised to be. Further research has confirmed this for me - the benefits don't last because the promises are not fulfilled. You can't ever, in the end, be anyone you're not.

Friends with eating disorders who struggled to 'fix' their bodies to conform to their ideas only stabilized their health when they learned to accept their bodies as imperfect, or even unimportant, and focus on other aspects of their existence. With aging, I have found that I'm happier when I stop the search for new wrinkles and accept, with difficulty I'll admit, the loss of strength and poise that comes with age. Acceptance isn't easy - because underneath our fear of looking old is the fear of actually being old, the deeper fears - and truths - of being less desirable, less socially important and ultimately closer to dying. Fussing about grey hairs is just a distraction from these deeper unpleasant truths, but endless rounds of plastic surgery and skin peeling is a self-inflicted torment that pushes the pain down the road, but never resolves it.

Acceptance is not a passive process, it's a long and difficult journey, but still the best odds of success and far less torturous that standing still and feeling helpless in the torrent of unhappiness.

Acceptance is not about feeling suddenly happy about something that's unpleasant. It's still unpleasant, still frightening, but you take courage and face the fear rather than turn your back on it or try to bargain your way around it. It's a curious experience, but real joy can only come after you've tasted grief because grief teaches us that everything is fleeting. True calm follows the moment when you swallow fear and start digesting it, because fear guides us to where we can find purpose.

Acceptance is not a meek process, it's a radical and bold questioning of your thinking. Changing how you think can change the way you feel. This is the miracle of life, to keep changing.

So, how then do the thoughts about her body lead to 'incongruity' exactly? Why does she believe congruity is possible or even necessary? Is she imagining her 50 year old self when she contemplates her path into the future? What freedoms, what futures, what responsibilities change for her when she changes the evidence of her womanhood? How will people treat her differently? How will she treat herself differently? There are far more straight men than gay ones, how does 'being a man' serve her in her quest to find a male partner? And most important, what lies underneath? This is less about looking like a woman than a rejection of physical evidence that she is a woman. How is that going for her? Where could she take her life, if she lived as a woman on her own terms? She changes everything she touches. And everything she touches, changes.

[fluffybutt-7]

Hi Fluff,

Looking super cute and cuddly 😊

I have a question for you. I'm a lifelong skinny guy (I used to weigh 130 lbs at 5'11") who finally made his way up to 220 lbs. And I had absolutely no intentions of stopping before 300 lbs. I was happier with my body than I'd ever been.

Unfortunately I got really bad reflux/GERD which still plagues me every morning, to the point that I have no appetite for half of the day and even throw up a little almost every day.

I tried some medication (pantoprazole) which works great, but it's not something I want to take forever because it's not without risks or side effects either.

Now I'm wondering where I should draw the line. Throughout the day I keep flip flopping (gain, lose, gain, lose) depending on my stomach, and it's frustrating. So now I've been hovering around 200 lbs for a while.

You've posted about medical issues before so I wanted to know your thoughts and reflections on topics like these.

Thank you so much ❤️

Hey there!! Thank you so much 🥰🙈 Been feeling nice and fluffy lately:3

So, I will preface this with I am not a medical professional at all, and to definitely talk with your doctor about different treatment options that would allow you to get back to eating the things you like. :) Now then, let’s begin…

Honestly, that line depends on each person. And it can change with the same person over time! Gaining and feederism are lifestyle fetishes that unfortunately come with some inherent risks that we all have to wrestle with at times. You are not alone, and whatever you feel about those risks is valid. Period. I’m currently taking pantoprazole, actually, and am going to try getting off of it because yes, it can really fuck up your body long term. Which my doctors didn’t tell me and have been having me take it since fucking September, but anyhoo. 🙃🥲

But I’m right there with you - being in this blubbery, overfed body has made me happier than anything else. I’m so much happier and feel more “at home” in this body compared to when I was 145lbs. We deserve to do the things that bring us joy and fulfillment, and medicine can help us achieve those things. To me, it’s worth it. I see my insulin and my blood pressure medication as tools to help me live the lifestyle I want. Would everyone feel that way? No. And that’s okay! Each of us are on our own journey in life and gaining, and we get to decide what that journey looks like. Not rando feeders telling us what to eat, not our followers (love you guys tho), us. We get to decide. It’s not something to decide lightly, and I can tell you’ve already put a lot of thought into it. But ultimately, where you draw that line is up to you. Talk to your doctor about different treatment options for reflux and GERD (I know I’m going to have to have that conversation with mine, too), and most importantly, listen to your body. You do not have to gain 24/7 to be a “real gainer”. You wanna get fatter? That brings you joy and gratification? Then you’re a gainer, period. It’s inside us - and it doesn’t go away overnight.

I hope my rambling was able to provide some food for thought and some resolve, and know that no matter what you decide to do, you’ve made amazing progress and you’ll always be a gainer in my eyes.

Take care, reach out when/if you need to, and I hope you’re having a fabulous holiday season. ❤️

[goombasa]

Getting Past My Own Terror When Trying New Things

So over the last couple of years, i've been trying several new hobbies.

A lot of them I ended up dropping not long after starting them, much to my shame.

Now I'm back to at least dabbling in a lot of them, chiefly trying to learn digital art (both vector and raster), dabbling in game design, and fiddling around with some DAWs and banging out some simple tunes. If I had the space, I would love to drag out my fabric scraps and take another go at sewing again. I've dropped and picked up all these different hobbies on and off again for like a decade, ever since leaving college, but I just never could keep up with them. I've pondered on why for a while. A part of it might just be me. I do have difficulty focusing on things from moment to moment, but I think it's something a bit deeper than that: I think it's because I'm terrified of failure, and that terror is really hard to get over.

I compare something like drawing, something that I've only really attempted to do since leaving college, and writing, something that I've been doing constantly since middle school. At this point, writing feels like second nature to me. It's something that I've trained since very early in my life, to the point where I don't even see it as a skill anymore, it's just a part of me, something that I do. Drawing though, I haven't done any serious attempts at art since I was required to back when I was in school. I didn't really do it beyond those required art classes, and only took an interest in trying to learn it after my time in the education system was over, and now, when I try to work on it, I'm easily frustrated by the fact that progress is slow. I get intimidated and frustrated, and not long after that, I end up putting it down and not touching it again for months on end until I muster up the courage to try again. As you can imagine, this hasn't led to me making much progress.

And therein lies the issue; I want to make progress, I want to get better, and create something I feel more comfortable with sharing with other people. But I'm terrified. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. Recently, I've taken to trying very, very hard to push past that terror, that mental block that keeps telling me that, due to the fact that I'm not instantly good at it and immediately making progress, that must mean I'll never get better at it and therefore should just quit while I'm ahead. It's an incredibly toxic mindset to have about myself and my own abilities, but no matter how many times I'm reminded that things like drawing are skills that need to be trained and fostered over long periods of time, my mind works against me to tell me that if I'm not making masterpieces after a month of taking a handful of free courses on Youtube, well then, obviously I'm never going to be good at it and I should stop trying.

I've mostly forgotten one of the most important parts of trying something new, especially if it's mostly just supposed to be for a hobby and not a professional skill, at least not in the near future: have fun with it. And that's something that I've been trying hard to force into my skull at this point. I shouldn't be forcing myself to learn a new skill if I'm not going to enjoy it. I want to learn to draw because I want to create in a new way, something that's unfamiliar to me. I shouldn't worry about whether it is good or not, I shouldn't worry about what other people think of it, but years of being exposed to the idea that if it isn't good enough to sell then it isn't good enough to show has made me very self conscious of my own creations. It's a bad time.

But I think this finally might be receding. I first noticed when I stopped constantly posting to youtube, putting out videos quickly in order to try and keep my channel relevant, that I just felt better. When I started to work on videos at my own pace, just work on them when I feel like it, no matter how shoddy they were, I felt happier with the end result because I didn't feel compelled to make them out of obligation or worry. I was having fun making things again.

And I have to apply that same sort of mentality to my new hobbies if I want to keep making progress. I want to get better, for my own satisfaction.

I'm curious if anyone else out there has had a similar sort of epiphany about their own hobbies. Have you experienced that feeling of just not feeling like you're progressing fast enough, or at all, even when you're new at something. Please, let me know, how'd you get over that hurdle, how'd you get past your own personal mind games and just enjoy the stuff that you do, the stuff that you make. I'm very interested to hear how others deal with this phenomenon.

[anonumber123]

Appreciation Post (Vocaloid, SynthV)

Hey. I'm 'bout to get a little...*sentimental*, hahaaaaa.... I'm sure nobody will read this, but this is my first true post that I have ever made on this account that isn't a reblog, and I'm making this for one reason. As you can see from the Touhou and Super paper Mario stuff I reblog, These have been my two main interests for the entire time that I had this account. I've known Touhou for about 9 years now (2014), and Super Paper Mario for almost 5 years (2018). There are also other interests that I've had besides those two, but I never showed them on this account, One of them being the main thing that this post is about!

Out of all the interests I've had, Vocaloid is the one that goes back the farthest, all the way back in 2012! I would be in the third grade when I would've discovered Vocaloid! I was really impressed by the artistry on display with every single song I came across, even when I couldn't understand the lyrics of, like, 50% of the songs I listened to. However, I would say that I would've stopped being an active fan some time in 2019 or 2020, (probably because Touhou Project had practically taken over my brain lol) and I considered Vocaloid as being a phase. Something that definitely took a huge chunk of my life, but, ultimately, couldn't stand the test of time.

That is, until the Big Dog came along, and my new passion, SynthV.

Now, I've known SynthV prior to this year. I first got introduced to SynthV with Eleanor Forte. Everyone was talking about how she had "such an amazing voice" and how she was "so clear!", but I just couldn't see it (or hear it lollolol). I thought she sounded like just another English Vocaloid, and I never really like how they sound in the first place. However, this was a few years ago, and that story is *different*.

Fast forward to This year, not even a week ago, I listened to a cover made with Kasane Teto's new SynthV voicebank for the very first time. Now, I did hear a lot of buzz that surrounded her about a month prior, but I didn't know, or even care for, what it was about, but because I was a huge fan of Vocaloid, it also made me a fan of UTAU by proxy, so, of course, I knew who Kasane Teto is, as well as her infamous voice. I had no Idea what I was truly in for, or even that this was a new Teto. I caught a whiff before, and now, I had a taste of Teto, and it was at this point that I finally get it!

This new Teto sounded like something that I would never, in a million years, could imagine would come from her, and I was blown away! It was so...heavenly. This choppy, robotic UTAU voice of hers has been made into something of higher quality, and I could not be any happier. This was something that I have been wanting from Voice synthesizers for the longest time, and I never thought we were gonna get it anytime soon. Even with all that I was learning and getting to know about the new her, I was still not prepared for the fact that she could sing in three different languages, with the proficiency of native speakers...I could not handle it. My heart could not take it...! I WAS IN LOOOVVE~~~ Love that I have never felt for a voice since Gahata Meiji, my literal favorite UTAUloid of all time, and the closest thing I had to having a crush on something as a kid (lol)

I could not believe that Vocal Synthesizing technology has advanced to the point that all of this is now possible. Because of Teto, I have now fully delved into the world of SynthV, and I can never go back. I found so many other voices that I have fallen in love with, like I did Teto. SynthV has impressed me so much, that it even got me back into Voice Synthesizers as a whole! This is now a Resurgence period of Vocaloid, and I have SynthV to thank for that! I would also like to thank Dreamtonics for making this possible, and for making my dream come true! (okay but seriously if dreamtonics sees this by any chance I am so sorry for the pun it's just- **cries**) This reignited one of my oldest interest, and I am so happy. I really hope somebody out there reads this and can share these same sentiments I have right now...

[celestialjupe]

Girlblogging: 1/11/23 20:46

Today was weird but chill? i woke up violently hungover, which was surprising. I went to the bar with my dad last night, i had a lemon drop martini and a shot of fireball, from the bar we went to kroger and i got a six pack of these twisted tea things. When i got home i realized they were only 4% so naturally, i drank four as quickly as possible....that was my mistake. It was overall a pretty chill hangover though, i threw up twice and slept my day away. also got my period..slay.

After i woke up i joined a livestream with some of my friends and after a bit decided to take a shower. I have a friend I'm not talking to currently, and today is her birthday and i wrote a message out to send but decided that might be a bad idea. I mean, it's kind of selfish to send a message to someone on their birthday when yall arent talking, right? idk the night is young and i don't want to throw her off by sending a message, i do feel shitty though, about the whole situation, mainly because im so confused lmao. Overall, i figured if she wanted me to say something then we would probably still be talking right? Plus, all i could think of was everytime a friend of mine gets a message from someone they aren't talking to on their birthday, and they never feel good about the message, regardless if the gesture was genuine. So overall it seems like something you do when you just want to make yourself feel good, but there's a lack of self awareness in taking that sort of action i think. It does suck though, but I'm okay with that, i just hope she enjoys her birthday and idk i hope it's the best one yet because she deserves the best.

Anyways, i think the playlist i put together for january is actually so good. I always like my monthly playlists obviously, but this one is really matching my mood so far. I've listened to it all the way through a few times already, which i usually never really do, at least not in one day. I'm going to catch up tonight and do my laundry and clean my bathroom. my room is still clean, but i could organize it a bit more. I'm a lot happier since i've stopped transiting my 8-12 houses, right now im transiting through my first house so thats been nice and i feel like i am finding a lot out about myself. I'm also so so happy that the holidays are finally over. It's nice to have alone time again, i always feel completely strung out by thanksgiving, and then comes christmas. It's torture! i dont get it! I did have a good christmas this year though, i think im starting to understand my extended family on a new level and thats so cool. Regardless, i think I'd rather chill alone, but i feel guilty about that obviously , because i do love and care for my family, especially as i get older. Memories soften, ya know? Thanksgiving was hard though, november in general was hard. And seeing everyone just really highlighted this rejection wound which kind of sucks because you sit there and you wonder why you're so different from all of your family, and you wonder why that difference makes it hard for them to talk to you, and then you wonder how they knew about that difference before you did. THEN you have to realize that no one is talking to you because you're the one being quiet, sitting there overanalyzing everything, when its supposed to be easy. Talking to your family is supposed to happen naturally and smoothly, and you're the one with the problem because for you it doesn't come naturally. Tough, girthy pill to swallow but i think i finally got it down this thanksgiving, because christmas came with ease. So, I'm thankful for that.

I also think the amount that i think is rotting my brain. Like shhhhh...shh...shh stop talking to yourself and start doing actual things. Actual things are fun, sitting in the same spot for hours and reminiscing on every negative experience you've ever had is not fun. I also heard something the other day thats maybe kind of silly, but it put a lot into perspective for me. Someone said that the way you spend your day to day is the way you live your life. first of all, duh. second of all thats literally the most profound discovery and i can't believe i haven't thought of that! what the fuck? So, I've really been putting in an effort to be more mindful and present instead of living in my head because im getting nothing done with that. I'm thinking of sobering up too, at least with alcohol. The hangovers are not worth it, and i just feel like it's not as fun as it used to be, plus i think i have a bad handle on my limitations. I don't get extremely white girl wasted or anything, but theres been a few times where i start to pass out and i worry that i might have given myself alcohol poisoning and my dad is gonna find me dead and drunk and that would be terrible i would be dead but i would still feel so bad if my dad had to find me, like fucking idiot!!! anyways yeah, plus being drunk is like, the opposite of being mindful and present. So it seems i have more reasons to sober up than to not sober up, drinking doesn't really serve me. Just like psychedelics always drag me down a bit, at least acid does really really drag me down. Acid is confusing because the entire time you're on it you're just like, jesus christ why did i do this? SIX MORE HOURS? oh god what if it never ends, what if this is just my life now? and then you still take it again, i don't get what that's all about. I haven't done acid since july, and that trip was cool but it also kind of sucked. It made me really self-concious and reclusive afterwards. Then i did shrooms a few times and stopped in august. My shroom trips are usually pretty cool, shroom trips are just like: YOU HAVe A LIFE!!! YOU FUCK!!! A LIIIIFEEE!!!!!!! The last time i did them, it hit me in the shower, and i knew i had done too much, but the good thing about shrooms is you can just watch fantasia and then its pretty much over, so thats what i did. I sat in my bed and just focused on fantasia, which is one of my favorite movies now, it's impossible to have a bad trip to fantasia. After fantasia i had this realization that i spend a lot of my time being miserable, so i just decided to not be miserable anymore. It's not quite that easy, especially when you're insane, but it did help! I think i might watch fantasia tonight actually, im overdue for a rewatch.

That's all i have for today. Thank you if you took the time to read! please eat well, stay hydrated, and focus on what you love!!

[coreyww]

The zero-bs reason I sometimes have long writing hiatuses

Hey guys, honestly this isn't going to be a dire post or a sad post in case you saw the title and are worried about that. It scratches the edge of personal stuff but I'm not gonna talk about anything like too upsetting. Mainly what brought this on is I saw the new EyepatchWolf video about Berserk which I had Relatable Feels got reflective and realized I should probably like...explain that to anyone who reads my fics and wonders why updates just like...stop sometimes.

The short of it is that the past few years I kinda realized my drive to write was rootes by a desire to express myself and connect with people at times when, because of bad circumstances starting in childhood, I didn't feel like I was able to express myself and connect with people any other way. It's kind of a sad fact that the periods of my life when I've been the most productive have been periods where a lot of unhappiness was going on in the background. Sometimes I'm aware of the Real Shit going on that fuels the desire to write, other times (and this is the stuff that really started to mess with me when I noticed) Real Shit was happening I could only perceive and express on a subconscious level. I'm not trying to imply everything I've ever written was done so while I was depressed or anything cause that's not true...but it seems like a lot of the innate desire to create started as a defense mechanism from childhood that still kicks in sometimes.

Mostly in recent years the hiatuses have come up because I'm like... A lot healthier than I used to be, if that makes sense? Like some real stuff can and has occured in those hiatuses but like...I'm generally a lot better off now than I was at my most productive (and way WAY better off than I was as a child). Like I have a support system, I have friends who I talk to, I have a family, I'm actually social, I take medication for the issues all the above still can't fully resolve. Its something I was kinda afraid to say out loud but like...writing started for me when I was at a place where I needed it, truly, because there was no other way to express myself. And things aren't as dire and I don't need it in the same way I used to.

Which makes things hard sometimes cause the desire to create is still there, but I've found that trying to force it when I'm not propelled by like that drive of like... Express Something That I Have To Express For My Own Health has mixed results. I've made a few really cool things since Kinda Sorta knowing this was the root cause, but sometimes I've found forcing it too much will lead me to just stress and feel bad, actually distancing me from happiness rather than helping me find it, which is what the hobby started as.

So it's kinda like the tide now? When it's there, it's there, but when it's not it's not. And that kinda sucks in some ways, which might be weird to hear after everything else I've said. I am definitely glad I'm happier and healthier now but after you spend a lot of your life getting kinda good at writing, you also wish you could just turn it on at will when you want XD. That's kinda where I'm at now. Like I am going to keep trying to create, but I'm not gonna do it at the expense of my own happiness and everything else, so it's the thing of trying to have that balance.

So that's kinda what that whole deal is. If you're a fan of the stuff I've written, I hope you can understand. Sorry if this is a weird post. I usually don't get very personal on here but considering I've never given a good reason about that, I thought it'd be good too. People will probably say I wasn't obligated to really do that and maybe I wasn't, but in my real life now I try to be very genuine so I figured this post might have that same spirit I guess.

Thank you all for reading and have a great night.

[just-messing-around]

Gramma: Your mom was just like you and you wore a size 2 until you where 4 years old. You had a lot of clothes, because I kept buying you pretty little things 😍😊

Me: *Remembering that what always kept me so tiny throughout my childhood was basically malnutrition and wondering if Mom might've been suffering from malnutrition as well*

If I ever birth a child, will they also be small for a long period of time before they start growing at a normal-ish rate? Will my child also get 'pep talks', like being told 'dynamite comes in small packages'? 'Don't let them get to you when they make fun of you for being so short. They better be careful. If they push you too much, they'll learn that dynamite comes in small packages!'

Gee, thanks, I guess...

Anyways-

If I birth a child, will they also have super slow growth? Appear to be suffering from malnutrition? Eventually appear to be a walking zombie from a mix between being underweight, being pale from anemia and having dark circles on their eyes from not being able to get sleep?

When they get to highschool, will they suddenly start losing consciousness while in class, despite having gotten enough sleep, ate enough to have enough energy and are happy and engaged with whatever is being taught? And will they also never be given an explanation for that, like me?

Is my child going to suffer everything I've gone through?!

Mom was small for a long time in her childhood, like me, Gramma frequently lost consciousness during jr high, like I did in highschool-

I am now concerned about a child I don't and may never have!

I already expect that any birth children I have will have an increased risk of depression, anxiety, bipolar or schizophrenia, because my family members and I suffer from these things and even generations previous to my grandmother suffered from them (my uncle is the only family member I personally know that has schizophrenia), but now I'm also concerned about my possible future children going through what me, Mom or Gramma went through when it comes to the physical problems.

I have to be ready to offer my possible future kids a lot of help for anything expected or anything unexpected that might pop up with them.

I can't tell if I'd prefer to be:

'Omg, of course I want to have kids, it seems amazing ❤!'

Or what I currently am-

'Do I really want kids? If I birth children, I'll pretty much be cursing them with my horrible genetics. If adopt, I still might not be able to provide that child with what they need. I will be taking in a child that already exists and would benefit from being taken out of whatever situation they may be in, but what if I can't provide the emotional or mental support that they might need for some reason? What if I make that kid's issues worse by accident through horrible miscommunications or something like what used to go on between me and my mom, where I genuinely believed that she didn't love me but was doing everything she did simply because she was scared of being considered a bad parent by the public? (Don't worry, this miscommunication was cleared up before anything horrible happened) I don't want to do that to a child! Maybe it would be better for the world if I just never birth or adopt children unless a child is in desperate need of a home?'

Would I be happier if I was just like the first option and just dealt with every problem and issue when they come along as surprises? Or is the fact that I'm so paranoid and fearful going to somehow make things better in the long run, if I end up with kids?

HHHHHHHHHHHH

WHY DID SUCH A SIMPLE CONVERSATION THROW ME INTO THIS-

Wait...typing that made me realize something.

It might be because my doctor told me not to take my antidepressant until I can check in with the cardiologist, but I haven't managed to get in yet, so I've been off my antidepressant for about...a week? Since the 17th. Stopped taking them on the 17th. A little over a week, then?

HhhhhHHHHHH IF THIS IS BECAUSE OF NO ANTIDEPRESSANTS, THEN I WANT BACK ON, ASAP!! I have to check my calendar to see when the appointment is because I forgot already 😭

[addictofsupernatural]

Emotions (pt. 13)

Billy Hargrove x reader

Summary: Y/n wants Billy and Steve to call a truce, while other people have other plans.

Word Count: 1858

Chapter 1 • Chp. Masterlist • Chapter 12

When you woke up, Billy was gone. Part of you was disappointed, shamefully craving his comforting touch. The other part of you was screaming about how fucking idiotic it was to let him come inside in the first place. You needed to straighten your emotions out and make a decision. You just needed to look at the pros and cons of it.

Getting back together with Billy.

Pros. He would be happy, at least for now. You'd feel less crappy about yourself. You could protect him from his dad. You loved him with all your heart.

Cons. They could still be trying to find you. They could learn about Billy, and hold that against you. He could probably find someone better, prettier, and be happier with that girl.

Fuck, what the hell were you supposed to do? This had as much powerful pros as it did cons. But like Hopper said, you just needed to be on your own for now.

Hopper made ego waffles by the time you got out of bed. He passed you the chocolate syrup while he got out the whipped cream for him and El. He kicked the chair out for you as well, which you took as a sign that he was really trying to help you feel better, in his awkward dad kind of way. It made your chest feel a little lighter. Once you opened the door to your house, you saw Steve almost fall back while he leaned on it, sitting on the ground and waiting for you. He looked tired.

"Y/n!"

You said nothing as he stumbled onto his feet. Hopper gently pushed passed you before roughly shoving Steve out of the way, causing him to knock back down to the ground. "We're not looking to buy any cookies today, sorry. Have a nice day!"

Hopper then grabbed your shoulders and led you to the car. You went inside the car in silence. You saw him come to your window, and you looked down. "Y/n! I'm sorry. Talk to me, please!"

Hopper then stepped on the gas petal and left Steve back there. After leaving the woods, you could see him calm himself. It honestly took everything in Hopper not to smile. Even you could feel his happiness. No more boys.

Once you got to school, you gave him a side hug and said your goodbyes. You only had to get through today and tomorrow, then you were on Spring Break for a week. Once Hopper drove off, you saw Steve's car quickly pull up the driveway.

"Y/n! Please talk to me!" You sucked in a breath. You knew this would eat up at you both, but you still continued walking. You didn't say anything and he ran over to you, panting. "I... I'm sorry. I was... stupid, and..." He was huffing.

"Catch your breath first." You quietly said.

He nodded. "Yeah... okay, thanks." He took a second, then started again. "I was a jackass, and you didn't deserve that last night. I don't even think you're stupid, I just got mad. It just seems like nobody really cares about me, so I just, uh," He sighed and looked down. "I feel like I have to care about everyone else, so maybe people will start caring back."

He rubbed the back of his neck, having just said something he'd been denying to say to himself.

"Okay." You said after what seemed like a whole moment of silence to Steve.

"So, okay?"

You nodded with a straight face. "Okay. I forgive you. And you don't have to worry about me. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I'll be okay at the end of the day."

The both of you hugged, and you pulled back. All in all, he meant well. Well damn, there goes your being away from them two today. As your hug came to an end, Billy suddenly swooped right in front of you, staring Steve down. "Typical. She's too nice and you know she'll forgive you no matter what you say."

"Did you tell him?" Steve looked at you, and you merely shook your head.

"I was the one who called her, and she yelled at me thinking I was you. I put two and two together. Care to explain why the fuck she was crying about thinking she was stupid?"

Steve fell silent out of guilt, and you painfully felt those emotions radiating off him. You lightly tugged on Billy's sleeve from behind, fiddling with it. "We talked it out. It's okay now." You said quietly with a reassuring smile.

He wanted to melt looking at your smile. It's been a while since he's seen your comforting smile, and he just wanted to hold you while kissing you with that smile on your face. He fully turned to you, grabbing your hand and entwining fingers. "Sweetheart, just because he said sorry doesn't mean you just forgive them."

He kissed your hand, and Steve overly gasped. "Hey hey! First of all," He said, slapping Billy's hand away. "Don't do that! Second, you're one to talk about apologies when you did the same thing after flipping out on her."

Billy then took a step forward and grabbed Steve's jacket. "You better fucking watch yourself."

You went in between them quickly. "Okay, how bout this? You." You looked at Billy. "Calm down! He's my friend, and you have to deal with that." You then turned to Steve. "And you. Chill out when it comes to Billy. I still don't know what I'm going to do yet and as my friend you need to respect my decision."

"Then can you let him to stop being a dick?" Steve asked.

"And can you tell him to grow a dick?"

"Jesus, is it so hard for you two to at least try to be on my side for once? It's such bullshit to even involve me at all in your crap. Why do you guys always have this rivalry going on when I've been trying my best to make things easier?"

"Five—" Steve started, before you gave him a look and he stopped. "Y/n."

"Maybe I should just get out of the picture. You two have fun together." You walked away, radiating pissed off energy to those passing by.

"Nice going dick fuck."

"You know what?" Steve said, putting his hands in his pockets. "I'll be the bigger person and accept that I pissed her off. So did you. She's all over the place and we're making it worse." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I guess, um, let's try not to hate each other out loud for her? We gotta do that before she stops forgiving us."

Billy looked away and huffed before mumbling, "Whatever man. Sure."

The bell rang and the two boys walked away separately. Billy felt like shit all day. He made you mad, and was an ass. He couldn't wait for fourth period to explain himself.

He could imagine the situation if you two were still together. He would pull you into his lap, and you would give him that cute pout. He'd tell you that he wouldn't hate Steve as much, just for you. He'd then kiss your neck, maybe even nip at it. You'd giggle, before telling him that you accept and that he's not fully forgiven, even though he really is. You'd tell him that you're proud he made it that far for you. He'd get a kiss on the cheek as his prize, before having a nice make out session.

Once he got to fourth period, he buried his face in his hands. Was this really going to be the day you didn't forgive him? What about last night? You have to know that he was there for you when you needed him still, right?

He saw you sit down from the corner of his eye, and and suddenly sat up, smiling. That smile quickly faded when he saw tears in your eyes and a cheek that was stung red. "What happened?" He demanded.

"It's nothing." You mumbled, fiddling with your textbook.

"Who hurt you?" He brushed his thumb over your cheek bone, and you leaned into his touch involuntarily.

"Just these girls. Um, they saw me with you and Steve. They called me a slut and a whore and pushed me around. I fell, and they started kicking me."

"And was one of these girls named Heather cock sucking Holloway?" You stayed silent. "She needs to get a fucking clue!"

He stood, causing you to grab his hand in panic. "Please don't! I want all this fighting to stop for once. I just want to stop causing all this drama."

You began to bounce your knee. This wasn't good. You never had full on anxiety. How would you react to it? You felt Billy gently squeeze your thigh to stop you. "Hey, you don't cause drama. Everybody in this damn school is just trying to have interesting lives, and they're jealous because you're the only one who isn't boring."

You gave him a nervous smile. "You think so?"

"I know so." He brought his hand back, resting his elbow on the table and his palm underneath his chin. "I'm okay with Harrington, by the way. I'm gonna try not to hate him that much, and he's gonna do the same. We agreed on it. Just wanted to put less stress on you."

He flashed you a grin as you just stared at him with a blank face. You were just staring at him unreadably for a bit before leaning to him to kiss him. You caught both him and yourself by surprise. You pulled back and saw Billy's shocked expression.

"I–I'm sorry. You probably don't even need this right now and I shouldn't have—" Billy grabbed your neck and brought you in for a passionate kiss. You both felt all the weight on your shoulders being lifted, the heavy feeling of being so close yet so far gone. Once the kiss was over Billy rubbed his nose against yours. You giggled. "I missed you."

"I missed you too doll."

"I'm sorry, my emotions are all spiked today."

"It's okay sweetheart."

You grinned. "I'm proud of you, by the way. I didn't expect you to ever be okay with Steve. Thank you for doing that for me." You swiped your finger across the side of his jawline, which you know tickles him.

"Course. Am I forgiven then?"

"I guess, but not fully."

Billy's smile became wider, and before he could tease you, Jonathan, Nancy, and Steve stormed into the class with worried expressions. "So they're not here yet?" Jonathan asked.

"Who?" You responded with.

Suddenly Tommy and his friends shoved past them, and Tommy pulled Billy back unexpectedly as Heather grabbed you by the arm and yanked you over to the front of the classroom. She pushed you to the ground, and these other guys then dumped a big cooler full of cold water on you.

A lot of emotions were going to bubble up today.

---

Author's Note: Kind of an awkward cliffhanger, sorry, but I do have more written for the next chapter.

---

Tag List:

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[valehirvas]

Hi! I need help understanding what Is gender dysphoria from a transsexual perspective because I'm confuse at my own experiences and the doctors I've seen viewerd dysphoria as only wanting to/believing you are the opposite sex and nothing more

I’m not an expert on this obviously, all I’ve got is just my own experience.

For me, it’s primarily a strong desire and a feeling of “should be” about male sex characteristics. As a child, I would often cry in my bed looking forwards in my life thinking it was already over because I wasn’t a boy, not because being a girl to me was bad in itself - I didn’t view it as limitating or see myself as lesser in any shape or form, I just didn’t feel like my body was as it should have been and the thought of never physically becoming a boy was crushing to me. This came along with various stupid childish misadventures like trying to learn to pee like a boy to feel more comfortable: let’s just say that one ended up in a disaster. I also quite classically tried to explain to my mother how I felt - that I wasn’t like a “girl girl”, I was more a boy girl. Something like that.

I didn’t have social dysphoria at this stage, because I’m very privileged in the sense that my parents and most adults around me allowed me to be exactly who I was, and those who found me disagreeable and too boyish never explicitly made it a gender issue, so I was blissfully unaware of the idea that girls weren’t supposed to act the way I was acting. I was very much a tomboy, but I was never made to feel like this was a bad thing, it was just who I was. I was in a lot of minor trouble often because of how active and curious I was as a kid, but nothing worse than doing what other adventurous kids were getting up to. For example, we liked breaking into the sewer system to chase frogs. Our parents HATED it, for obvious reasons. Things like that. But these were hardly things that only boys got into, and my friend group was rather equally split between the sexes at the time, so yeah, no, my social dysphoria did not exist at this time.

With puberty, things got a lot rougher. It’s tough to tell how much of it was because of dysphoria and how much of it was because of abuse in my life; I was targeted by a school teacher who made my life hell and triggered my depression at the ripe old age of 11, and ever since things were just really difficult for me.

I was still struggling with wanting to be a boy; I only had male role models, only male ideals of what I wanted to grow up to be, in terms of media and idols. I desperately wanted facial hair. Meanwhile, I was being raised by a single mother, and my experience with men was dreadful, and puberty chased off my male friends so I was left living in an all-female bubble, pretty much. I didn’t feel separate from it, but I was certainly different. My friends went down a more traditionally feminine path while I was a clusterfuck of alternative fashion and obscure interests.

My biggest “oh” moment was when I was about 12 years old and for the first time approached my mom to buy my own set of clothes - I’d secretly wanted to dress up as one of the boys for a long time, but this was the first time I really got to try it out. Being a skater was in because this was the early 2000s, so I bought a large t-shirt and a pair of skate shoes, and yes, a skateboard, and when I looked into the mirror like that, I felt like I was in heaven. I felt like things were finally going right and that this was who I wanted to be, that this was who I was supposed to be.

When I was 14, I met my first trans person. I had a terrible crush on him, he was a couple years older than me and identified as an FtM. The year was, what, 2005? I knew instantly that I was the same as him, but it scared me so badly I swore off ever thinking about it again, and that I’d just live as a woman like I was meant to be, because he was extremely suicidal and abused alcohol and drugs, and I didn’t want to die like that. It just seemed like the worst outcome - I knew I was like that, too, but I didn’t want that future. I was afraid if I’d accept how I felt, I’d end up killing myself like he’d tried to do so many times already. So I went DEEP into the closet.

I struggled a lot with relationships, being viewed as a girlfriend and treated as such, like my partners telling me they loved how I looked, touching my body, appreciating it as a female body. I told my first love that I wanted to go by the name of Gabriel, and that I felt like a boy inside, but that was as far as I went. I was 15 at the time. Around the same age I got sent to a group home because the social services were struggling with me (I wasn’t attending school due to my depression and various other mental disorders, and they needed to get me off their books asap). There, I was assigned men’s deodorant because they were out of women’s, and I never went back from there. Little things like that just made me feel so much better in my own skin. Now I at least smelled like a guy. It felt heavenly. In this same place, my supervisor was a nice young woman who borrowed me movies to watch. One of them was Boys Don’t Cry. Let’s just say I was pretty badly traumatized by that, and went ever deeper in the closet, because once more I knew that I was exactly what was portrayed on the screen but the reality of it was... well, I’d either kill myself or be murdered. Nobody wants that. So yeah, there.

Afterwards I went hyperfeminine but also became incredibly toxic because of how bad I felt in my own skin - I was extremely unstable, but at least I was playing my role right, right? I was suppressing how I really felt and trying to force myself into some weird caricature of a woman to spare myself from a painful death.

I used to do a lot of larping as an older teen and a young adult. When I was 18, one of my girlfriend’s characters was transsexual, and I went looking for information about the condition, you know, having the excuse of just “doing research”. That was the turning point. It was so comforting to know that I wasn’t alone, that this was something other people had gone through, too. That I didn’t have to live like this forever.

The things that bothered me most were the fact that I couldn’t grow facial hair, and my chest, which has always been very large. I’ve never had particularly bad dysphoria about the shape and size of my body, and I coped with genital dysphoria by packing, but the fact that I couldn’t grow a beard was the worst thing in the world to me. I went through a year of self-searching and research, during which my girlfriend left me because, duh, she’s a lesbian and I’d just come out as a trans man and it just wasn’t working out anymore, but she stuck by my side to help me become who I wanted to be, and fuck if it wasn’t working. Embracing the way I’d felt and doing the things that helped me feel better - like wearing the kinds of clothes that gave me that sense of comfort and rightness, and binding my chest - helped me to such a big degree that I stopped being completely fucking awful as a person. I stopped flipping out at the smallest of triggers and slamming doors and shouting and being an absolutely unbearable piece of shit, and my ex has repeatedly told me how good it felt seeing me become so much happier before her eyes. I practically changed as a person when I started my transition, first socially and then eventually medically, I became a very calm and difficult to irritate kind of an individual instead of the mess I’d been the years before. And I don’t mean “changed as a person” like I adopted a different personality, just that I stopped being blinded with anger and self-hatred at all hours of the day and lashing out at anyone who dared to love me as I was because I couldn’t.

Starting medical transition scared the shit out of me, because I’ve always been afraid of permanent changes. I nearly ran out of my tattoo appointment last minute because the idea of being marked forever killed me, and I only have one piercing that I can take out without leaving a visible scar for that reason. So obviously, taking that step was horrifying to me, but after doing my time looking into my soul and reflecting on my needs and desires for a year, attending some councelling and in general looking into what I really wanted from my life, I finally entered the diagnostic process, which here took at the time six months at the very least and included a lot of more thorough examinations like a psychological evaluation, chromosomal check and even an IQ test to make sure I was capable of consenting to the treatments.

Testosterone was a gift from gods in how much it eased my dysphoria. I ended up quitting it eventually because of how much it messed with my mental disorders like anxiety, and worsened my psychosis, but in terms of how much more at ease I became with my body, I can’t thank it enough. Seeing my body grow more hair on it, even some of that facial hair I’d always wanted, was blissful. Having my voice drop was comforting and comfortable, and I was excited to practice it and get back my range for singing and speaking, and that whole period of changes was just so good to me. I can’t describe it any other way. My dysphoria’s never come back since I stopped, because the changes that happened were those that I’d so desperately needed the whole time. I never got top surgery because of weight limitations placed on it, and this was an enormous source of pain for me for a long time, but I’ve learned to cope with it now. I’m getting along with my boobs because they’re just a part of my body, that is, unless they start growing cancer which does run in the family, and I’m never not suspicious of them for that reason.

It’s just, it’s hard to describe the story of my dysphoria without telling you all of this. It’s not just one or two things, it’s a history of a lifetime, little things that are good and this grand shadow that follows you around and makes everything more painful and difficult to endure because it’s already weighting you down. The terror of realisations and going back in the closet, but also the unmatched comfort and feeling of finally being how you were meant to be when you see yourself more akin to the picture in your head.

There’s a lot that I’ve left out, and not much of this is probably very helpful, but it is what it is.

[ineffablefool]

Hi, Not that ur the keeper of my self esteem or the supplier of my Personal Good Feels, But ur fat positive fics help make me feel so much more... at ease in my body & happier in my body. I've just gained about 15 lbs since the beginning of the year & my initial reaction of 'Gross' 'Ew' & 'Oh-god-how-did-i-let-this-happen-how-do-i-stop-wtf-is-wrong-with-me' wasnt as lengthy or depressing as usual & I have you and ur writings to thank for that. So thank you. Your writing is making a difference.

Sometimes self-esteem and Good Feels can’t 100% come from inside via some kind of magical well that never needs replenishing ever.  Sometimes it could use a lil boost from outside, too.

I have somehow accidentally managed to make it my goal that everyone I can get within yelling range of can maybe feel just a little bit better about their wonderful complex important equally morally good regardless of size or composition body.  So if I could help do that for you?  Then I am very, very glad.

I am very much not a doctor, but I would be remiss to not gently question the framing that there would be something “wrong with” a person in your circumstances.  People change weight up and down for lots of different reasons, because our bodies are complex systems themselves beholden to the complex system of our environments.  Has there been a change in environmental stressors (other than the one we all know about in this the year of Frances McDormand 2020)?  A change in your meds?  Are you, like a lot of Tumblr folks, in your mid-ish-20s, a time when it’s common for people’s metabolisms to slow down just a bit, potentially causing a period of weight gain while everything is working itself out?

Unexpected sudden weight changes, up or down, can sometimes be a sign of an underlying health condition which itself needs to be addressed, so it might be that you will decide/find that is something to be concerned about.  But I hope you will not target the weight gain itself as the immediate and only issue to be addressed.  If there was ever a good time to nourish one’s body with sufficient fuel to sustain it as it actually exists in the moment, then during a global pandemic is probably it.  The funny thing about making a body get by on less than it requires, is that the body gets to pick what it jettisons to make up the difference – not you.  And “a fully functioning immune system” is, in fact, on the list.

I hope you are having a very good day, anon.  And I hope you get to do something (snuggle up on the couch with a special person or pet, create something with your hands, run around in little circles like a weirdo […I might be the only one who does that…], whatever) that makes you very glad to have the body you have right now.

[polyamorouspixie]

Do you agree that, when opening a relationship, things should move at the speed of the more uncomfortable/less poly/more insecure partner? I've read that a lot, but also feel like forcing somebody to "take things slow" with another partner can create a lot of strain and tension in the pre-existing relationship? I've seen people on blogs/forums/reddit talk about doing things step-by-step for YEARS and meanwhile my relationship has changed a lot in less than a month... where is the middle ground?

I’ve been thinking this over for a little while. I even made M let me talk it over with him; and he’s not nearly as into relationship theory as I am (he’s found something that works, he’s happy with that. he doesn’t need to dissect it into a million pieces; I feel the same way about his political work). It’s not a thing I’ve ever had to work with consciously in my life, so I didn’t have an immediate answer. 

I think the middle ground involves looking at the circumstances.

My general, one-size-fits-most advice for a couple looking to go from monogamous to poly without anyone in particular in mind, is to spend about three months untangling from each other. Three months isn’t ages to wait but it’s long enough to establish a new normal in which you spend periods of time without your partner. You take it in turns being the one at home with no plans while the other one does something fun. You see your family and friends by yourself. You cultivate a solo or uninteresting-to-your-partner hobby. You spend entire nights without each other (sneaking back in at 5am misses the point). 

If you find it takes longer or less time than three months, absolutely fine. What it does is separate “I’m feeling bad because you’re romantically/sexually involved with someone else” from “I feel bad because you are having fun away from me”--two different problems with different solutions. You know you’ve reached the point where I’d recommend you start creating dating profiles when it’s normal and not a big deal to spend a large chunk of a day without your partner, even when you don’t have to because of work or other unavoidable commitments, and you can go to bed without them there without tossing and turning for hours. 

Once you’ve done that, you can tune back in for my advice for people opening a relationship for a particular person or people, which I’m going to waffle on about below.

I think the thing to remember here is that whether or not this works out for you is not constantly on a hair trigger of going one way or the other. Waiting an extra day or doing things in a different order isn’t the make or break of your relationship. 

I don’t believe in vetos. If you want to have certain boundaries (”I’m sorry, but I would no longer wish to be a part of this relationship if...”) that’s perfectly fine and healthy, but “you can’t do x y or z” is going to cause issues. And I don’t believe it’s a good idea to put restrictions on what your partner can do with their newer partner. I don’t think things like “you can’t have sex on the first date” or “this act is only for us and not for anyone else” or the worst, “you can’t fall in love with anyone else” ever work, because as soon as you’re in a position where the Forbidden Thing is a possibility, then it suddenly seems a very silly and arbitrary rule, and anyway it’s disrespectful to the newer partner, who is a real person too. And a lot of this “going slowly” stuff is just saying “that particular act is off the table... for now”, and falls into exactly the same pitfalls as doing that forever.

So I don’t think you should do that. What I do think you should do is instead of thinking of rules, is think in terms of being considerate. Would it upset my partner if I announce I’m in love with someone I met three weeks ago? Is it inconsiderate to ask my partner to sleep on the couch to make space for someone they don’t know? Chances are you know your partner extremely well, and even more likely, you’re in a position where you can talk to them about it. This kind of advice can’t have a “one size fits all” time frame on it because people are different. Things like “since this is the first date, I’d really prefer it if you did come home tonight afterwards, though once I’m used to the idea I’ll be fine with you staying out” are reasonable requests; “I know you have a date but you have to be in by 10pm on the dot or I will have a breakdown!” is not reasonable. Reasonable means being able to debate “okay, but the only showing of the movie ends after the last bus and she lives much nearer the cinema than we do. What if I call you to say goodnight before bed instead?” and “I’d be much happier if not, if you can reschedule for another day I’d prefer it, but I get that you’re not doing this to hurt me so I’ll be okay if this is the only day you can go”. It’s okay to discuss things so long as you don’t make demands. If you have a healthy relationship, you’ll be able to come to a compromise that reflects the reality of the situation. 

Like most of my advice, I’ve taken far too many words to say “don’t worry about it so much, let it happen organically and look at each scenario that comes up individually while being kind and fair to each other”. 

So the things that might happen here are:

1) you both take each other’s feelings into account. You include each other in decisions, go out of your way to consider each other while accepting that your partner isn’t responsible for all your feelings, and it’s important as an adult to be able to process things without demanding someone else change any time you feel bad. You make healthy decisions with your new partners, e.g. not seeing them every day for a whole week when you started seeing each other a month ago, or deciding you’re in love with someone you’ve known less than six months. Your relationship transitions to an open one over a period of time that works for you. 

2) one or both parties makes unreasonable demands like “I’m poly so I’ll sleep with whoever I like even if it’s your sister/boss/mortal enemy!” “you can have another partner but only if you only see her on Wednesdays between 3pm and 5:05pm when there’s a full moon”. You become angry and resentful, return to monogamy and hate each other. Maybe you get married so you can hate each other with rings on. 

3) one person just so happens to always have a seemingly good reason to stop whatever their partner wants to do. “I’m just having a bad day today, can you cancel your date?” “I’ve always disliked her in particular, anyone but her is fine” “well also not him either, I don’t trust him”. On its own it seems fair but as a pattern you realise they just do not want to be poly, and for whatever reason (usually fear of losing their partner), they don’t want to just say so. A hard decision is going to have to be made. 

But if you want me to put a time on it, less than a month is very rapid (though it is going to change if you open your relationship), but if after years an open relationship the participants are happy with hasn’t occurred, I’m pretty confident saying it never will. 

Feel free to message me if you have more questions about this, whether you’re original anon or someone else.

[kirobsi]

Searching for Stars in the Void: Social Media's Hopefully-Illusory Tradeoff

Hello again! This is supposedly a sequel to this post, but it's kinda not. What I had planned for that just wasn't interesting, and that kind of aimless rambling isn't worth repeating here, at least not so soon. In waiting just three days, though, I think I've come up with something far more focused and substantive.

(Also this is another rather unpolished one. Hopefully it's digestible. and please send in a question or prompt if you have any, the button's at the top of my blog thing)

I've discovered a lot of interests and aspects of my personality that weren't quite present before. This is a blessing and a curse - on the one hand, it's been great exploring those interests and components of myself to better understand who I am and be happier with my behaviour. That's a long, slow process, but it's one I'm quite grateful for. On the other, it's become increasingly clear that these changes don't align with those I've surrounded myself by. I became friends with everyone I currently talk to long before I found any of this out, with maybe an exception or two, and thus those relationships stem from the space we occupied years ago when we met. They stem from the space I was in years ago, and... I hate myself from back then, for a plethora of reasons.

That's not to say I dislike the friends who I 'acquired' during that period, but it's indicative of quite the drastic shift, and that'll inevitably lead to a feeling of alienation, of otherness. Now this wouldn't be so bad if the stuff I've been exploring were more typical, but it isn't. It really isn't - how do you reconcile relationships based in part upon ruthlessly deriding weird shit on the internet, when you've found yourself incorporating a certain flavour of weird shit into your core being? I brushed up against this idea 6 months ago in Unpolished Passion, but it only gets more significant as time goes on. The story I wrote a month before that video (and referenced in the video itself) is public on the internet, on a site and account I haven't told anyone about. It has been since August. I won't spend time dwelling on that in an annoyingly vague manner, but know that I've gotten to the point where linking to my main internet presence from that account, or even just adopting the same username there, has been seriously crossing my mind recently. It's not even something I'm against, and the only thing stopping me is...

Well, it's the people I'm surrounded by. Those who are, by virtue of befriending me from years past, prone to viewing my 'alternate works' in a negative light. And that's not to say they're assholes or that they haven't changed - they aren't and they have. Hell, I've even sent a couple of those writings in a Discord server for my main friend group composed of my online friends, just without any reference to my alt internet presence. Nobody really looked at it (which was expected and preferred, that stuff is embarrassing) but they didn't outright take issue with it either. The problem is that this scenario is the best of the best. It's the most acceptance and understanding I can attain, at least comfortably. This leaves me in a position where although I'd like to embrace this part of myself fully, to feel free in its expression, I'm limited by what I believe others may be comfortable with. This is true for my friends, but also those who may come across my work.

I know a certain someone is reading this right now, and I can't be sure how they'd feel if I were to actually be that public about it. That goes for any audience I may gain, or even an audience I may already have but don't know of. Plus, there's the chance that a real life friend of mine, none of which know about the interest I'm almost exclusively speaking of let alone the writing I've done about it, will take a look at my Twitter or whatever and come across access to some shit they may not have ever wanted to see. From all angles, even regarding those who already know about this, it seems a bad move. It feels as though I only stand to lose, at least with those I've found myself around.

This has no direct impact on the topic I wish to discuss, but it is the sole reason I began thinking about it in the first place. See, there are two obvious courses of actions here that aren't blatantly detrimental to my mental health or freedom. I can either:

Publicly link the two presences and openly embrace this very significant part of myself in spite of any awkward moments or discomfort that could potentially arise.

Use the alternate 'private' presence to find likeminded people and befriend some, so I can then freely express myself with a certain group of people.

1 is still very tempting, but the potential downsides are tangible. 2 literally has no downside and would absolutely solve the issue I've been having. It's obvious which one I'd like to go with.

Now, in making this next point, I necessarily have to neglect smaller-scale issues that arise in 2's methodology which are very specific to the subject at hand. It should be obvious why I won't detail that, but it is worth noting that those issues are almost certainly a roadblock in and of themselves, but they're much further down this road than the problem that actually prevents me from acting on this: I haven't done any networking.

That lack of experience is already a bit damning, but by itself wouldn't actually have that much of a bearing on what I want to do. However, the way in which I've always approached social media - that is, to stay exclusively in my own corner and never join larger communities or really even follow any individuals at all - fundamentally clashes with this desire, or so it would seem. Beyond that, it hinders any attempt I may want to make to befriend anyone in any sort of scene, to become known or properly acknowledged at all. The only exceptions are and have been tiny videos or game communities which I happened to join. This means Spelunky speedrunning, Noid 2 speedrunning, and a World at War WR progression video where I inexplicably found the most internet success of my life by writing a bad revision-less criticism comment. It's possible that I could make some degree of an impression in the Transparency Discord server mentioned in my last post as well, but that has yet to be seen.

So let's rewind a bit - what exactly is my approach to social media usage? How does it differ from the average person?

I can't actually say for certain, because I don't know much about others' social media habits. What I can say is that I keep my likes/follows (and their equivalents based on the site, of which I used 3 excluding Discord) extremely elite, for only those individuals or posts who really deserve it. Of course I don't feel like such things are gifts to be given, it's more of a curation of lists of things I enjoy that I keep and maintain (and I do mean maintain) for myself - but the point stands, I don't have the massive follow or likes lists of honestly anybody else I've ever seen. In fact it's a personal goal of mine not to follow anyone outside of YouTube subscriptions. I can't really say where that goal came from, but it's the way I prefer to do things. I also scarcely comment on things, only choosing to when I really have something to offer.

Of course, this doesn't lend itself to meeting people outside of Discord communities. Those have their own issues for my purposes, but that's not really what I'm addressing. Point is, in order to find people on social media, in order to engage with likeminded people, you absolutely must do it through the methods which are given to you. My usage of it just doesn't work. How will I be remembered or approached when in the 11 months that alternate presence has existed, I've made like four comments total? I won't be. How do I get to know people when I'm out of the loop on their escapades? I don't. How will I befriend those who I don't really know, and whom I can't make much of an impression on through my incredibly rare, self-initiated contact? I won't.

This leaves me with another dilemma. I can either engage with such things in a manner unnatural and undesirable to me, or I can rely solely on the growth of my own body of work and its hypothetical audience to absorb stray notoriety until people start to care about me.

This makes the issue of befriending people who share my strange interests difficult, but as I said earlier, it also greatly hinders one's ability to do any networking. Building an audience is greatly affected by the ways one can spread their influence, and there's no better way to do that than through those who already have an audience.

For my purposes? I only care about the friend situation. Garnering an audience isn't a priority for me, even if it'd be cool (up to a point). But in my opinion, these two situations are two thirds of what social media is for, at least in terms of creative social media like YouTube.

I just need to insert this here because literally as I was writing this, just after finishing that last sentence in the last paragraph, someone in the server I sent one of the aforementioned stories in just read it and said it was nice. the fuck is this timing??? this doesn't remotely solve the issues I brought up near the start of the post but it absolutely came out of left field. I'm not complaining, but christ

Anyway that kinda threw me off, so I'll wrap up (there wasn't much more to say anyway): my point is that two thirds of that experience are severely impacted by just not wanting to be prolific in commenting or following or liking. And that kinda sucks.

I think the way social media seems to necessitate this sort of addictive behaviour to achieve much of anything is pretty bad. One's choice between participating in ways that are detrimental to their mental health in order to be on a level playing field, or distancing themselves from that for their own sake may not be very easy for some.

But hey, it's probably inevitable that I'll meet someone, and they'll most certainly be able to 'link' me to some others, and I won't have this problem anymore. Past that, I'm happy to continue dismissing the other consequences of this and focus on my own wellbeing. Hopefully one day, if you're still around, whoever's reading this, you'll even see me elsewhere. And as is typical,

Thanks for reading!

~Kiri

[jacks-future-hearrts]

Morning, 1 March 2022

Hi! I'm feeling happier than I've ever been in a long time!

Party because I just received my yearly bonus + my salary so I've been buying stuff a lot. So it's mainly my source of happiness. I also have a long weekend off because there was a national holiday yesterday! Best feelings ever!

Of course there's a down side to it, I'm on my period throughout the whole week so I can fully enjoy my time but the things that I got kinda compensate for it. I bought my monthly necessities of course, then I got a whole bunch of manga!

dgot Jujutsu Kaisen and Gokushufudo. Jujutsu Kaisen here, only exists up until the 5th volume. I think they haven't translated it yet to Indonesian. The english volumes are pretty updated compared to it but it's so much more expensive I rather move the money to other novels that I want. I'm so happy that I also got Gokushufudo but when I read the first volume, it's exactly what it is in the Netflix adaptation. It's still a cool thing to collect though!

If you're wondering why my bookcase is so empty, it's because I just built another one and this is my new bookcase! I have two bookcases now. I bought it on IKEA and only yesterday I managed to put it together with my mom. It was so fun and it gave me some kind of accomplishments.

Now, I'm at work hour but I think I'm gonna sneak some time to put books on it! I'm so excited for it. Also, I bought a new book and it's going to arrive around 10 - 19 March. It's a book called Resurrectionist. It looks like those anatomy books that you have when you were children but it's "supposed to" be made by this mad scientist who mixed human body parts with something to create a replica of an anatomy of mythical creatures. I'm so curious because from what I've seen on google and Tiktok, it looks super amazing.

One thing that scared me nowadays is just that I think my eyesight has gone bad again. I'm scared to tell my mom about it and to be honest It's not bugging me that much either when I'm looking around my house. It's just when I need to see super far when I'm in the car and have to look for names on the side road, it's kinda blurry and not as clear. I think it's because my bad habit of staying up late and playing my phone with the lights off. I really have to stop that but it's just that I can't sleep at all if I don't do that.

Night, 1 March 2022

What seemingly to be a good day turned sour in the afternoon when my manager suddenly asked me to conduct a training next week. Ever since that, my heart keeps beating so fast. I'm panicking over things that's supposed to be 6 days away from me. I'm so scared.

I'm also reminded by that one story from the sales division, she posted something that she's been around the IT industry for so long, she's been scolded by her previous boss. So loud that it can be heard from the third floor. And one thing that caught my attention was she said "Bukan mental manja asal kerja" which translates to I'm not a spoiled kid who has to work for the sake of working. I feel slightly offended by that but I also get what she means.

She's an ambitious person and have a pretty strong will. I'm pretty sure she has dreams as well. But I can't say the same for myself. I'm pretty young, not much of an experience in any kind of things. I work for the sake of working, because it's just what I have to do after school. I hate it but then what more can I do? There isn't much anything to do for human after school. It's just an endless distraction until you grow old and eventually passed away.

I don't have a reason to work like most people but I'm sure that I'm not going to be an obstacle to those who do have dreams. It's unfair to them. Now I'm panicking again for that training I'm going to do next week. I want to cry as much as I can but it just doesn't slow my heart rate or distract my mind from spiraling there.

I did read a book since 6 pm (it's currently 22.18 pm). It's A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. I'm on that part where Jude just got adopted by Harold and Julia and everything seems to go well. There are som parts where Jude went through a hiccup but he always has his friends around. I love that his friends are so supportive of him and what he's going through.

I know this is a sad book and I feel doomed already for caring and loving the characters way too much because I've seen some spoilers on how it ends. But I still can't help myself for wanting the best for them.

Anyway, this part made me laugh so much. JB could be annoying but he's also fun!

I think I'm going to try to sleep now. Or worst case if I can, then I'm gonna listen to Magnus Archive. I wish I have something to ease my anxiety, it's so tiring. Wanting to cry, but I can't. All I feel now is just fear and I don't know how to dismiss it. It's so tiring.

[juggieheadcoopers-blog]

Hi!! I've spent the last few hours just reading your work and omg I love the way you interpret the prompts! You're making the long hiatus so much better already and I can't wait to read more! I have a prompt request as well: friends with benefits to realizing they like each other (with some angst added in!) thank you!!! :)

First of all thank you so much, that’s so sweet of you! Second of all, here it is! This is more playful than angsty but I still hope it’s okay!

AU: Jughead never went to Riverdale High and never became friends with Betty and the gang the way they were supposed to. Archie, Jughead, and Betty were close in middle school, but once they parted ways and Jughead followed in his father’s footsteps of becoming a Serpent, their relationship was never the same.

–

Betty brushed past Cheryl Blossom as she hurried her way down the freshly-mowed lawn of Riverdale High’s courtyard, nearly snagging her baby blue sweater on one of Cheryl’s particularly sharp insect brooches as their shoulders slammed into one another.

“B, where the hell have you been?” Veronica called to her from their usual picnic table at the end of the quad, her prized set of pearls shining elegantly in the mid-afternoon sunlight.

Ignoring the icy glare that Cheryl tossed in her direction, Betty maneuvered her way through the crowd of chatting classmates to slip her way onto the bench of the picnic table next to Kevin, just as Veronica turned to narrow her eyes at Betty. “I’ve had to listen to Cheryl’s incessant ramblings regarding the subpar quality of her brand new Louboutins for the past half hour and trust me, when I reach the point of boredom beyond repair talking about designer shoes, you know there’s a problem.”

“Sorry, something came up,” Betty mumbled, shrugging off her pale pink backpack and placing it on the wooden surface in front of her.

“There have been a lot of things ‘coming up’ lately,” Veronica pointed out. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say our little, not-so-innocent Elizabeth Cooper has a man in her life she’s been hiding from us.”

“Yeah, right,” Betty scoffed, unzipping her bag and rummaging through its contents to find the salt and vinegar chips she didn’t eat at lunch. “You know how terrible I am at keeping secrets. Remember your surprise birthday party last year?”

“How could I forget? You asked me to come over to help you with an English paper,” Veronica recounted the event in question, shaking her head in shame at Betty’s failed attempt at such a classic form of surprise. “The day Betty Cooper asks Veronica Lodge for homework advice, you know there has to be something else going on.”

Betty’s lips curled into a slight smile, her expression distant as she reached into the bag of chips and popped one into her mouth, repeating this process for several minutes without blinking or acknowledging that there were other people sitting at the table with her.

“Kind of like now,” Veronica mumbled, waving a perfectly manicured set of nails in front of her in an attempt to snap her out of the trance she had fallen into. “Look at her face, Kev. There’s something wrong with it.”

“You’re right, V,” Kevin concurred, leaning in close and tilting Betty’s chin towards him with a flick of his thumb. “There’s an actual smile on it. Hell must have frozen over.”

“Hey, I smile!” Betty defended herself, her too-tight ponytail nearly smacking Kevin in the face as she whirled around to look from Veronica, to Kevin, and back again.

“Not since Polly-” Kevin started to explain, but before he could get the words out, Veronica lunged across the table to place a hand over his mouth, nearly knocking various textbooks and papers onto the grass in the process.

“Shhh!” Veronica quieted him. “Kevin, we agreed that bringing up such events should be handled as if one were at Hogwarts and in the position of saying the name Voldemort - you just don’t do it!”

“Sorry,” Kevin shrank back onto his spot on the bench. “Let me rephrase. You’ve been a little down the past few months, but lately-”

“You’re happier than Kevin during a Brad Pitt movie marathon,” Veronica finished for him, her eyes dancing wildly as she leaned in to point a finger in Betty’s direction. “And that can only mean one thing.”

“Betty Cooper: number one in her class, editor of the Blue and Gold and all around girl next door, is getting a little ‘Fifty Shades of Freaky’ with one of Riverdale High’s finest young bachelors,” Kevin concluded, his arms crossing in front of his chest as if he were proud of himself for solving such a complicated riddle.

“I am not!” Betty protested. “You two have way too much time on your hands if you’re speculating why I’ve been smiling more lately.”

“What kind of friends would we be if we didn’t notice such things,” Kevin pointed out, his gaze suddenly leaving his friends to focus on the parking lot in front of them. “Kind of like how I’ve noticed Jughead Jones’ massive biceps lately, holy hot and bothered Rolling Stone-meets-Abercrombie you can actually see them bulging through that leather jacket.”

The boy in question stepped out of his midnight-black 1968 Plymouth Roadrunner, his dark hair falling effortlessly over his eyes as he moved to shut the driver’s side door.

“Joining the Southside Serpents has really sat well with his upper body muscles,” Veronica admired, her mouth hanging open slightly as he pulled out a cigarette and lighter from his jacket pocket like he was plucked straight out a scene from the Outsiders. “Too bad he doesn’t go here anymore, I would love to run my hands up and down those-”

“Veronica!” Betty’s eyes went wide as she turned to glare at her friend, whose mouth was practically watering as she took in Jughead leaning against the classic car and taking a drag from his cigarette like she was watching the most sensual thing she had ever laid eyes on. “Last time I checked you still have a boyfriend, or have you forgotten about our good pal Archie Andrews. You know, captain of the football team, lead singer of his very own rock band, Riverdale High honor student. Ring any bells?”

“Oh please, I’m allowed to window shop as long as I resist throwing anything into my basket,” Veronica muttered, picking up her copy of The Sun Also Rises and fanning herself with it, even though it was a perfectly cool fall afternoon that didn’t even come close to meriting such actions.

“That’s wrong on so many levels,” Betty mumbled, pushing her half-eaten bag of chips away from her and wiping her greasy fingers down the front of her sweater.

“What’s Jughead doing here anyway?” Kevin wondered. “I thought he and Archie stopped talking once he moved schools a few years ago.”

“He’s here to see me actually,” Betty admitted, turning in her spot on the bench to look at Jughead for the first time since he had pulled into the parking lot. “He was the best writer we had at the the junior newspaper in middle school and no one’s ever come close to filling his shoes, so he’s helping me out a few times a week after school at the Blue and Gold.”

“You sure he’s not helping you out with a few other things too?” Veronica wiggled her eyebrows at Betty suggestively, her lips creeping up into an amused smile as Betty narrowed her eyes at her.

“Just friends, Veronica,” Betty assured her. “Jughead isn’t Archie’s favorite person right now and after everything that’s happened with their fathers - I just - I wouldn’t do that to him, okay?”

“Whatever you say, B,” Veronica shrugged, still looking unconvinced as she reached underneath the table to retrieve her cheer bag. “Okay, I have to go find Cheryl before River Vixens practice so I can warn her that the choreography she’s been throwing at us is too 90′s cheer routine and not enough Beyonce video like we were going for.”

“Yeah, and I have to go witness the bloodbath of bitchy, yet impressively clever insults that is sure to occur as a result so we’ll see you later, Betty,” Kevin followed Veronica’s lead as she made her way away from the picnic table, the giddiness in his expression made even more evident by the enthused squeal escaping his lips as he bent down to pick up his backpack.

“Bye, guys,” Betty called out to them, shaking her head in amusement as she watched them round the corner to head back into the school.

Betty kept her gaze focused on the chemistry textbook resting open in front of her as she saw the movement coming from the parking lot out of the corner of her eye. Jughead had pushed off his car and was slowly making his way onto the sidewalk leading up to the courtyard. Her breath caught in her throat as he took a step closer. And another. And an-

“And then there was one,” Jughead announced, his leather-clad sleeve brushing the soft fabric of her sweater as he slid his way onto the picnic table next to her. “What’s it like without chatter mouth one and two attached to your hip?”

“I don’t know,” Betty sat up straight, turning slightly on the bench to quirk a challenging eyebrow in his direction. “What’s it like without your manhood to back up that newfound edginess that drives all the girls crazy? Wanna find out?”

“Betty Cooper,”Jughead beamed, one leg tucking underneath itself so that he could turn his body to face hers completely. “Throwing the banter back at me like we’re in a 1940′s black and white screwball comedy. I like it.”

“You’re early,” Betty noticed, her eyes focusing back on the periodic table displayed on the inside cover of the chemistry book.

“I ditched the last two periods,” Jughead shrugged nonchalantly, scooping up the abandoned bag of chips on the table and tossing back a handful into his mouth. “I figured that I’ve already learned as much as I needed to know about 17th Century England and the Taming of the Shrew to pass with at least a C in both history and English and still function in the real world like an adequately intelligent human being so why not skip out early and come see you?”

Jughead crumpled up the now-empty chip bag and tossed it behind him, missing the trashcan completely as he looked back to watch it roll onto the grass. Leaning in close, Jughead rubbed a hand on her knee resting underneath the table, his breath tickling the exposed skin of her neck and nearly causing a thrilled giggle to escape her lips.

“Jug,” Betty warned, reaching down to remove the hand slowly creeping its way up her thigh and turning to give him a leveled glare. “We agreed, remember?”

“You agreed,” Jughead corrected. “I said friends with benefits was a dated form of emotional torture that benefits neither party in any meaningful way.”

“Isn’t that the point?” Betty reminded him. “To not get attached in a way that lets you mean something to the other person?”

“I think that ship has sailed,” Jughead admitted, his eyes flicking to hers with a vulnerable state of truth-turned-worry when he realized that she might night have felt the same way. “At least on my part anyways.”

“You know that we can’t be anything more than what we are,” Betty explained. “At least not right now.”

“Because Archie blames me for my father’s involvement in his father’s shooting and he would love nothing more than to see me strung up on the mantle of his nice and cozy family-sized home,” Jughead recalled, his eyes rolling backwards dramatically sliding his leg back underneath the table and facing the empty set of picnic tables across the courtyard. “Yeah, you said that when we first started - whatever you want to call this. Doesn’t mean I understand it. And it doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“Juggie,” Betty whispered, resisting the urge to reach out and caress his cheek affectionately the way she had grown accustomed to since they had started their relationship nearly eight weeks before.

“You know how I feel about you, Betty,” Jughead told her, his eyes softening slightly as his head turned to smile weakly down at her lips. “And I think that if you were being completely honest with yourself, you know exactly how you feel about me too.”

Betty knew he was right. She knew that she felt more than just lust, coupled with the added bonus of orchestrating their clandestine meetings, for the boy from the Southside who was more than just his leather jacket and tough demeanor. But she couldn’t risk her friendship with either boy in her life by making things official. Not yet.

“This is the way things have to be right now,” Betty sighed. “At least until Mr. Andrews gets out the hospital and everything just - settles down. Please, Jughead. I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t want to lose him either.”

Betty held Jughead’s gaze, her bottom lip jutting out slightly as her teeth automatically reached out to bite down on the tender skin there, a habit she had formed around the time she had started seeing Jughead in a little-more-than-just-friends kind of way.

“God, why do you have to do that thing with your bottom lip,” Jughead mumbled, his eyes flicking down to her pink lips with a fleck of longing in his gaze. “You know that drives me insane.”

“I know,” Betty beamed, her eyebrow quirking flirtatiously up in his direction. “Why do you think I do it so often?”

“Okay, if we’re still playing by these ridiculous rules you’ve set in place then we better get to the Blue and Gold room because I’m feeling the overwhelming urge to kiss you,” Jughead breathed, his heart beating wildly as Betty’s leg brushed against his, making his palms sweat in the best way possible. “Now.”

“Then what are we waiting for,” Betty leaned in close to Jughead as if she were going to meet her lips to his, but swung her legs out from underneath the picnic table at the last second and stood in front of him with her hands on her hips. “Race you.”

“You’re on.” Jughead grabbed Betty’s bag off the table and sprinted after her, not even noticing that there had been a figure lurking in the shadows who had witnessed their intimate exchange with a devious smile plastered on her flaming red lips. Turning on her less-than-adequate Louboutin heel, Cheryl let her waist-length red hair swing playfully behind her as she sauntered her way to cheer practice, already scheming and plotting how she was going to use this juicy new development to her advantage.