#I've been trying to get my head around it since january... I've known forever he wasn't going to be around always

[girlscience]

I'm glad I was here, and I know he wouldn't have wanted to stay like that long, and I know he went while everyone was laughing and talking in the kitchen like he would have wanted, but god I'm selfish. I want 100 more sits on the porch swing and 100 more trailhand rides and 100 more fences to fix and 100 more brush piles to burn.

[nightswithkookmin]

JIKOOK: ARE CONGRATULATIONS IN ORDER?

Disclaimer:

Everything expressed in here is my opinion. It is not intended to be malicious or disrespectful to any of the parties mentioned in here. Please do not hate on or send hate anyone mentioned in her expressly or by inference.

In my previous posts, I pointed out how this past year, from August 2019 to June 2020 has been a rollercoaster ride for Jikook. Their relationship has been all over the place with some even concluding they have broken up for good- you wish!

My inbox has been flooded with questions such as: Are they still broken up, are they good, are they married...

Y'all think I'd be here blogging at 1 AM for Tumblr if Jikook were married married?- Ok, I would. Lol

But No, Sis. Jikook aren't married. Not that I know of. But don't be sad though because THEY ARE BACK! Fully back to function. By that I mean Jimin mostly. Jk never left. Lol- I'll explain in a bit. But yes, I'm happy to report that they are Jikooking again!

I refrained from posting about their new moments especially this July moments because even though they've been back together after a long period of on and off again relationship during ON comeback through to festa season, and then May when JM finally asked for space in their relationship(see previous posts for details)

I've being unsure about Jimin. I've been anxious to know what the outcome of his asking for space to think things through would be.

Jikook have a push and pull relationship dynamic. We been known. Mostly when one steps back from their relationship for whatever reason, the other leans in to pull them back in.

Same thing has been happening from January where Jimin would be pulling one minute, the next he would be like meh and JK would be push to pull him back in.

That was the case in this (June-July) Japan comeback interviews. Jk was front center with expressing interest in JM pulling him whereas JM was like meh, I'm down for this baby but let's keep it professional for the group's sakes.

Just look at them here... (Photo of them at 2020 Japan interview where Jk said he was looking at JM)

See what I mean? Now you may not notice at first but look at JM's demeanor and compare it to moments in past interviews whenever JK is talking about him or their relationship.

Jk was on his flirting game which he usually is when he wants to break the ice with Jimin if there's been tension between them or when someone around is making a pass at JM and he wants them to know what's up- he ain't slick. Lol

At times too he takes the initiative to flirt when he is feeling super confident and cocky and hella bold and just wants to. Trust me, when he flirts with Jimin, IT IS NOT FOR FANSERVICE. He means that shit.

Now compare JM's body language in that Japan interview moment this one right here: (photo of JM and Jk at the interview where JK said from now on together)

Jimin usually acts very coy, giddy and whipped even around JK when JK flirts with him but most importantly he seems to egg JK on in such moments. He enjoys being claimed openly by JK just as much as JK loves being claimed by JM publicly- which is why as nervous as that makes him he keeps going back for more.

Now this is gonna sound controversial but I have seen JM tell Suga off at times when Suga has tried to initiate skinship with him. I won't show you the picture but you can watch it for yourself during the On Come back where they wore Purple and black. It happened right at the moment Suga touched JMs back. JM mouthed 'Hajima' to Suga to stop touching him. That's all I'm gonna say y'all. Lmho. Don't want trouble.

My point is, these boys have a filter. If they don't want something done to them they won't hesitate to say it or show it. Much like when JK pushed Tae's hand away during a VLive- and he's pushed JM off sometimes too. He is assertive more so than all the members. If he doesn't want something he won't do it or allowed it.

Suga asked him not to get the tattoos when he first expressed interest in them way back in American Hustle life. But he told them if army loves him they would love everything he does and not try to limit him. Jk does as JK pleases.

So yea, if JK didn't like what Jimin has been doing with him he wouldn't be around him much less reciprocate those feelings and actions and initiating them on his own at times. Their interactions are MUTUAL.

And yes, that was shade.

Jimin understands the guts it takes JK to take such initiatives with him and so he kinds of encourages Jk to go on with it or acts in a way that boosts JK's ego. Like when JK shouted 'arrest me' in the middle of an interview. Jk... SMH.

So it was a bit unsettling to watch JM not even try to flirt back with JK in moments like this like he usually would. Dude wasn't even initiating their shtick during this period first of all nor was he responding to them in a way he usually would.

Not sure the aesthetics he was going for here but it screamed let's keep this professional on camera and get naughty when we get home. Or much like, dude I asked for space and I'm realizing I like you just as much but stop coming on too strong.

Which frankly, is what the members have been asking them to do since October last year when the hashtag to cancel Jikook in S.K trended. So JM wouldn't be wrong to take such a stand....

Given that the crux of their issue has been that Jikook is developing into a brand almost independent of BTS' brand and this in a way is affecting the dynamics of the group, a little discretion wouldn't hurt.

The cheers for Jikook moments are getting louder and louder each year even at events such as awards and not just on stage. Jikook is taking a lifeform of it's own. Its becoming a brand almost as powerful as BTS' brand. They are a power couple or becoming one. Like or not. Their fans are becoming loud and large too. So often, lately, it seems they tend to steal the show and direct attention away from the band. It's crazy.

Tae literally had the floor, delivering his speech at the MMA 2019 but people weren't even paying attention to that at all. They were more interested in Jikook and whatever they were doing and they went nuts the moment JK held Jimin and even wilder when he placed his head on Jimin which is what lead to infamous standoff with RM.

JM had literally bumped his butt against Hobi's crotch region moments before the Jikook moment but the crowd didn't lose it as much. Please go back and listen to the deafening sounds of the crowd for yourself.

As much as we love Jikook, there are some that don't and they can be very loud. I'll leave it there. Please support Jikook. Thank you.

BTS had a whole concert end of October 2019 and the hashtag that trended was 'cancel Jikook.' That took away from the hardwork of the band and reduced it to a few seconds of two boys fanboying over eachother. That's.... sigh.

When you see it this way, the RM separating them at Jingle bell red carpet, on stage or even BigHit trying to regulate their Vlives make sense.

Moving on. So yea I wasn't sure about JM all this past few months especially as I believe he had asked for space in their relationship. You might not think much of it but given as JM had said in the past how if he had a lover he would want to be with them all the time and Jikook do spend a lot of time around each other but suddenly hear them talk about spending time apart and enjoying it and what not....

But I think I can stop worrying now because HE IS BACK! There is a new Jimin in town and he is taking names! Good for him!

And I don't mean his new hairdo this August. I mean the new attitude. This attitude:

In this interview he says he would take JK to an island which smart decision. I would take JK too cos dude can do anything, cant he?! Bless him.

But thats beside the point. What I think is happening here is, Jimin finally took a stand. He made up his mind and he is not getting pushed around anymore. Because this Jimin hasn't showed up in a while now. Now he seems quite defiant most times if you've been paying attention to him, so rebellious, so sure of himself. Good for him. Spending time to himself has done him some good. It's given him room to reflect and sort out his priorities.

He loves his work, his band and he loves JK and it's hard when all of those start rubbing against eachother. But Fuck professionalism. He is in love with JK and that is professionalism too. Add loving JK till the end of time to his profession bishes!! :p

Sorry. I got carried away.

But seriously, he seems like his old self but it's also a new self because he hasn't been that self for a hot minute. This is JK's sweat tastes like holy water Jimin. This is I promised Jk I will go to the moon with him Jimin, this is I wanna go on a trip alone with JK Jimin- but badder. If you are a hardcore JM stand like I am you'd understand what I'm talking about.

HE IS BACK BABY! Our daddy is back!

The point of this post is to say, I believe JM finally figured out what he wants. So now hopefully the up and down should die down because quite frankly it's hard to keep up with those two I swear! We need a smooth sail Jikook. Make it happen!

I love it. I love where this is going and I can't wait to see more of their interactions so cheers to Jikookers and congratulations to Jimin for putting his shit together. We wanted rain. We about to be hit with a tsunami of Jikook moments.

Stay blessed. Stay beautiful. Jikook forever.

Signed,

Goldy

[randomsevans]

Lover

Steve Roger's x Reader

A/n I might do another version of this . Since it wasnt what I planned for this song but I came out this way anyway . I like the story but I have another one in mind of this song

Remember to send in a song request along with a character ❤

Requested by @donutloverxo

We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January

This is our place, we make the rules

And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear

Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

Its hasn't quite been twenty seconds or twenty year . But long enough for me and steve to finally get our place together. We havnt been here long late August. And our little nest has already seen the change of season quite quickly with as soon as September rolled around the Halloween decorations were up. It didnt take much convincing since steve loved the holiday.

But as 31st of October past and November the 1st came forward I knew my work was cut out of me .

" please stevie . Pretty please " I said looking up wrapped up in his arms on the stairs giving my best puppy dog eyes .

"No . It ain't gonna work " steve shut his eyes shaking his head trying to avoid your eyes

"But .... please "

"No doll . The boxes are going up and nothing it coming down . No Santas or reindeer until the 1st of December " steve said sternly

"But that agesssss a way "I whined like a kid . What can I say I love Christmas well any holiday really

Steve took a deep breath and step away from me . Picking up the box on the floor filled with skulls ,bones and black and orange decor .he began to clime the ladder to the loft whispering to himself "no happening. Not happening. It was literally Halloween yesterday "

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close forever and ever?

And ah, take me out, and take me home

You're my, my, my, my lover

As I stood there staring at the ground waiting for steve . I knew he wouldnt let me put the decorations up . I mean it November shops are selling Christmas stuff why cant I put it up ! I'm not waiting a month ! I softly yet firmly stamped my foot like a child . Quickly glancing up to see if steve notice he doesnt like it when I'm a brat . But what do u expect me to be like when I want Christmas and his been a grinch .

Yet I couldn't find it in me to be angry with him . His been so patient he waited months for me to finally agree to a date and then took things slow with me . But when one night randomly in his room he said he wanted a place of our own . I freaked out and avoided him for days until we talked and he said he was happy for to wait for me to make a decision . It didnt take me long tho . I knew steve was the one . He will always be my lover . That's why I dont think I wanted to rush things but to make them perfect . But the thought of a place all mine and steve warned my heart I couldn't wait. I ran into the compand kitchen one day shouting 'yes ' everyone thought we were gonna get married . But no I said yes to a place of our own , where the walls would have our favourite colour and our pictures. Decorations when ever I want . Apparently not

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

Its wasnt until a heavy box fell at my feet with a thud that I snapped out of my thoughts looking down untill u saw the red tinsel picked out . I smile creeped on my face. Growing as I turned my head towards steve who was at the bottom of the ladder showing of his muscles as he held a larger box on his shoulder . With a final creek he was at the bottom and turned to face me . He had a frown on his face as he was clearly trying to hid his smile . He left the box on the ground and grabbed you with full force you fell over my own feel and right into his chest . His arms circled around me.

"Let's make one thing clear " Steve slowly said as his blue ocean eyes glance into mine ."this ..." he pointed to the boxes "is only happening ... this early ... because it our first Christmas here "

"Yes sir " I said happily bouncing quite literally up and down with a wide smile on my face untill I was pushed all of a sudden to the wall behind me

"What the h..."

"What did you just call ?" Steve voice was stern yet playful .

"Umm " my throat all of a sudden become very dry

"Now what do you say and say it right " steve soft eyes where a contrast to his voice . It's one of the many things you love about your lover for the last three years . Mainly why you will alway want to be with this man .its always somthing I know alot of people would want and do want . Even after three year and a house with the ring hidden in his drawers I cant help but still feel like he doesn't actually want me because I know everyone falls to his feet so why pick me . But the though went as quickly as it came as I feel Steve's lips getting closet to mine .

"Ummm thank you captain "

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close forever and ever?

And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever)

Steve quickly pulled away just before our lips met .

"Come on then " the bastard had a smirk on his face as he looked down at him .I just hummed as a reply pissed of with me . "Dont you want to to decorate " he bend his neck till he was eye level with me and did a playful pout . I quickly nodded and zoomed off to get a box .

You're my, my, my, my lover

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover

And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover

The sky had turned black as me and steve finally sat down with a cup of hot chocolate for both of us . Mine with mashmalls of course. I sighted finally relaxing. I glanced around the room. Seeing the tall tree and the red and gold decor every way.

"Thank you stevie " I spoke softly

"No thank you doll "

My brows raised as I turned to face the handsome super solider "what for ... you spend your day of helping me take down and put decorations "

"That I did love ... but maybe next time you shouldn't let me have so much control over where to put put them " steve said as he leaned toward and took my hot chocolate out of mine hand . He slightly titled his head up with a devilish smirk . I followed his eye light . Untill I saw a mistletoe hanging down . I small chuckle left his lips and he came closer to me. "It is traditionally after all "

A small smirk was now placed on my face as I quickly got up and ran to the kitchen "not quite yet lover boy " I giggled

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close forever and ever?

And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever)

You're my, my, my, my

Oh, you're my, my, my, my

Darling, you're my, my, my, my lover

His laughter boomed though out the halls as he slowly made his way towards me . "Ohh really " he cockly said as he point above me once again. My heart sank as I looked up and saw yet another mistletoe.

"Oh you think your so clever dont you?"

"You know it darling " he quickly stood in front of me with his hand framing my face and his lips touched my softly .

I softly sighed as we parted I must of looked pissed or sad or angry because Steve's face quickly become worried. "What's the matter doll . I'll take them down if you.."

"No ...no " I quickly said

"Then what is it ?"he softly asked his hands moving to my waist .

"Can we stay this close forever " I closed my eyes . Untill I heard a chuckle

"Forever and ever my lover , "

"Really " I looked up wide eyed .

"Of couse if you'll have me that is ?" He looked a bit scared untill I placed a small peck on his pout .

"Why wouldn't I? Your my lover "

[keith-the-hoe]

The Glimmer Hoes Master Plan| Crack Fanfic Mini Series

Episode One: [X]

Episode Two: [X]

Episode Three: [X]

Episode Four: I'm Flyin'

Episode Five: [X]

Warnings:

This may contain weird questionable subjects, no no words and sex scenes. It may cause you to lose a couple of brain cells and fall into a state of confusion. Do not read if you are under the age of 16. Read at your own risk.

Cast:

Keith Richards

Ronnie Wood

Bill Wyman

Charlie Watts

Rod Stewart

-------------------

It was around midnight when the huge slaughtering went down around the small motel in CaliFOnia. The Rolling Stones were on the search for a hospital since Ronnie is a dumbass and got attacked by a Mick robot. Keith has been on his side the entire trip. He was quite upset about everything that happened since they went on vaca. His whore side hoe got killed, his Cyborg Mick didn't work out well, and now his best friend is now slowly dying.

"Don't worry buddy, you will be fine, I swear," Keith said calmly.

Ronnie didn't seem to be having a problem with anything. He was just there looking at Keef, smiling.

"Well.... this has been a helluva ride! You Rolling Stones whores are something!" He added.

Bill just rolled his eyes and looked out the window. Charlie was still trying to figure out why he's in a band full of dumbasses. Keith looked away for a second and later realized that Ronnie wasn't there anymore. He panicked.

"G-guys!! Ron disappeared!" Keith yelled. Bill and Charlie looked back at him. They were confused. Charlie sighed in relief. No more dumbasses.

"Where in bloody hell did he go, you monkey!?" Bill yelled. Keith searched the whole van and did not find him anywhere. Charlie looked out the windshield and spotted Ronnie on top of a roof of a strip club.

"Bill! BILL!" He pulled on his hair to get his attention. "That big nose whore is on top of that roof!" He said as he pointed up at him. Keith pressed his monkey face on the glass and spotted him.

"RON! How in the actual fuck did ya get up there!?" Keith asked as the van pulled up to the parking lot of the strip club. He kicked the door open and ran up to the building.

"Oh hiya there Keith! Beautiful view up here! I can see every single building from here!" Ronnie said with a chuckle. Keith extended his arms in case he decides to jump off.

"Ron! Get down from there! You're going to fall!" Keith said sounding very worried. Ronnie just laughed.

"Nah! Mate! I won't fall! I've done this many times with my mate, Rod!" He said. Keith was utterly confused. Bill and Charlie walked up to Keith to tell him that they should get going. Keith refused to leave Ronnie behind so he climbed onto the roof. He then realized that he is afraid of heights. He slowly walked up to Ronnie.

"Alright mate, just walk over to me and lets get down safely, okay?" He said calmly. Ronnie just smiled widely at him. He did a T-pose and fell forwards. Keith panicked and ran to the edge of the building. He didn't see him anywhere.

"Charlie! Where did he go!?" He said in a very shaky voice. Charlie pointed up to the sky. "You dumbass! Why would you even consider that huh!?" He yelled. Charlie shook his head in disappointment.

"You Muppet! That is not wot I meant! He's up in the sky flying!" Charlie yelled in response. Keith looked up to the sky. There he was, flying around like a chicken. He was so confused. He the heard music coming from a building that was across from the strip club. A blonde big nose whore was standing on there singing some song that said something among the lines of "I'm flying."

"Wot the fuck?....." Keith said to himself. Bill and Charlie seemed to be entertained by the music. Bill looked up at Keith, who was still on top of the roof.

"Hey matey! Get your monkey ass down from there and come look at this spectacular show!" He yelled. Keith was hella annoyed by everything. He got down from the building and headed to the van. Ronnie was preparing for landing but a pamper flew into his face and caused him to fly into the dumbass bitch, Rod. It caused a huge explosion. Bill and Charlie hugged each other in fear. They slowly looked at each other and pulled away. That was awkward. Keith was once again hella upset.

"Let's get the fuck out of here...." He said as he hopped in the van. The Rolling Stones were once again on the run. Keith could not believe that he'd just lost his two best friends. Ron was like a corn dog to him.

"Where are we headed?" Bill asked Charlie. He just sat there thinking if they could possibly go back home because he just wants to go home. The only problem was that they didn't have money to book a flight to go back to Britain. They were stuck in the states for a while. Keith reached into his underwear and pulled out a picture of his whore best friend, Mick. He seriously wished he was by his side, even if it was for just a little bit. A tear ran down his monkey face and quickly wiped it away. Bill and Charlie saw someone crossing the street.

"Jesus CHARLIE STEP ON THE BLOODY BREAKS!" Bill yelled.

Charlie did what he was told. The van did a loud skkkrt sound. Keith flew into the seat. Dumbass didn't wear his seatbelt. Charlie and Bill sat there completely startled. There stood a man who was average height with longish hair and blue eyes. Keith took a glance at him. He could not believe his eyes.

"M-Mick?" He said softly.

The figure walked closer to the van. His skin was pale and was covered in dry blood. His clothes were worn out and dirty.

"Sweet mother of-" Charlie added.

Keith quickly exited the van and ran up to him. Mick took out a blade and pointed it at Keef. He stood there in fear of him getting stabbed by his zombie friend.

"M-Mick," he began, "Its me, you're buddy. We've known each other since we were dumb fucks."

Mick slowly turned his head to look a Keef. His eye color was faded to a light blue shade. He stared at him for a while until he put away his blade. He was shocked to once again see his monkey friend after he had gotten killed by Mick Taylor.

"Its okay buddy, I ain't going to hurt ya..... Just want to be with you again...." Keith explained.

Mick stood there in silence.

"Jesus wot is this!? Some kind of weird romantic zombie movie!? Oh fuck that matey! I ain't here for that! I just want my damn band back!" Mick said.

Keith chuckled and pulled Mick in for a tight hug. Surprisingly, Mick hugged him back.

"Jesus Mick! Where the hell were you!? How did you find us!? I thought I lost you forever!" He rambled.

"Well, Monkey, after you had left me there at the dumpster, I woke up and followed the tracks from the van." Mick explained. "It was a helluva ride!"

Keith was glad that his bestie was back. He couldn't stop smiling like an idiot. Bill and Charlie just sat there in the van face palming their faces.

"Well.... We're back to square one....." Bill said to Charlie.

Charlie just wants to go home.

"I am hella glad you're alive! Heck I even tried to replace you with a cyborg version of you!" Keith said as he fixed his pants.

"You did wot now?..." He asked.

"Doesn't matter! You're here now! Meaning we can go back to being friends and being in our band!" Keith added.

Mick just smiled in response. They both hoped into the van. Bill and Charlie shook their heads in disappointment. They threw Mick in the dumpster for a reason and somehow he managed to find them. They really thought they did something. Lol. Mick and Keef kept going on about plans they had for their road trip. Mick really wanted to go to January so Keith yelled into Bill's ear to drive them to McDonald's because he really wanted some lettuce from there. All Mick wanted was eat brains but he resisted. Bill rolled his eyes and began to drive. Mick sucked Keef's penis to pass the time. Charlie shoved them out of the van because he seriously did not want to see dumb fucks sucking each other's dicks.

The Rolling Stones made it to a fairly large city that was located in Wendy's bathroom. Mick and Keef kept making out in the back of the van.

"We should totes do that....." Bill said to Charlie with a small chuckle. Charlie just sighed deeply.

"I just want to go home.... Is that too much to ask for? We've been all over the place and it's been exhausting for me." Charlie explained. Bill just sighed. He patted his shoulder and looked at him dead in the eye.

"Don't you worry about a thing, we'll go home soon." He said in a soft voice. Charlie just looked into his dark eyes. He began to feel warm. Mick chocked on Keef's dick and was trying to figure out how the fuck that happened because his monkey penis isn't the biggest here. He then saw Bill and Charlie kissing each other.

"Oh shit matey!" Mick yelled which resulted in him getting a shoe thrown at him.

Keef got lost and has no idea what just happened. The Rolling Stones stopped by a motel that has been vandalized by Led Zeppelin.

"Oh no.... those damn crusty ass bastards are here...." Charlie added. Bill spotted one of the members who was pissing in the pool. He was truly concerned about them.

"Wotever you lads do.... do not get near Led Zeppelin, those bastards do witch craft and eat goats hearts." Bill explained.

"Oh shut it you! We literally eat goats head soups!" Keef yelled. Bill was hella confused. When did they do that? They checked out rooms that had two singles. Mick and Keef are going to share beds while Bill and Charlie sleep on the other bed. This was going to be a sexy night. Sorry, Rod Stewart is holding me hostage as I write this whole fanfic. The Glimmer Hoes removed their clothes and laid in bed. Keef fell asleep pretty quick. Charlie and Bill stared at the ceiling and fell asleep. Mick didn't need sleep at all. So he went out to the porch and saw two led zeppelin members fucking each other in the pool. He's got some inspo there! There was another band staying in the motel. Mick absolutely hated them with a burning passion.

"Oh those bloody Beatles! we're constantly getting compared to one another!" Mick said angrily. He came up with a very beautiful idea. He reached in his trousers and took out his blade. "Let's Dance! Put on your red shoes and dance the Blues!" Oh Mick loves Bowie so much. He walked up to The Beatles and began to slice their head open to eat their brains. He let one go but was killed by a Led Zeppelin member. There was no point in doing that honestly. Mick went back to the room. He was still hungry and needed more brains to devour. He stood there in the doorway looking at his buddies. He slowly walked in and shut the door behind him.

[frogsandfries]

I'm not sure if it's just the bus or because I'm a little hurt and angry--I'm too upset to fight the jostling of the bus to try to stitch, but I think I'm shaking too, and I was late to catch the bus. There was traffic that I didn't know to anticipate and I almost missed my bus. If I had, I think I would have taken it for some kind of sign. I think almost missing this bus was a sign.

I think a lot went wrong in all of this. I didn't know I was going to share a single room with two men. I didn't know one of these men was a complete asshole with no regards for my mental wellbeing. If I'd known the stress I was going to endure, or the duration we were going to be stuck. If I'd known that my friend isn't really making progress in his life; that he's too busy bouncing around and that part of that seems to be his poor choice in partner. If I'd known the sexual attraction I would experience--but was it really sexual attraction, or was it a degree of trauma bonding?

So now I find myself wondering.

I remember a few times I've told him, he's not married; he doesn't have a kid with her; the relationship is a choice. He chooses to be with her. But "I don't understand," "it's not that easy". What is it that I fail to understand? Is it their..... freaky games? Is it that he wants to get into a new relationship before leaving this one?

I wonder if we are incompatible, or if it was a matter of our circumstances? On the one hand, we really bonded and things were pretty good between us. Things stayed good until they backslid and we weren't making any progress. I didn't see how to make any progress and I was frustrated at the way things were progressing. I left Wisconsin to make progress, and my earliest mistake was, as usual, relying on someone to give me a hand up when they have their own shit to work on. My later mistake was probably staying when it was apparent things weren't progressing.

I don't think things will be bad between us forever. I think we just need a cooling off period. I hope he messages me....

His parents don't know what to do with him, but they don't think he's ready to move out again. He's not making progress on any of his things. Certainly if we were romantically involved, I would have been able to take a different approach. If we were romantic, I would have had more confidence to say, this is what we need to move out, this is what I have, this is what we're going to do. But at the same time, I don't want to be the boss in the relationship. I want to be equals. I don't know what he wanted out of this arrangement; he says continuously he wanted to help, and he certainly got me out of a toxic situation.

I didn't want to leave, necessarily. But he's wanted me to leave since about January. He says he wants to focus on himself. I hope for him. I know what I need to accomplish to stand on my own; I know what I need to focus on. I'm a little scared of not accomplishing that. I'm scared of what it means if I do. I'm scared of having to do it on my own. Having a companion who is kind of hindering your growth is better than..... having to cross back across the country alone, and hurt. And now I worry that having me around may give my friend in Wisconsin incentive to leave behind her relationship that isn't growing.

I can't help hoping that my friend will realize having me around was good, but if he doesn't really remember the things I do, he may only see the negative. He's also.... incapable of sentimentality, or saying goodbye. He may only see the facts, but he will only see them as he wants to see them. I don't think that he liked that I bonded with his parents. He doesn't really like his parents because of how they treated him growing up; he refuses to try to get into their heads as I wanted to do with them--as I've done with my dad. He may not have the ability.

When I try to bond with someone who I'm going to be around for a while, I've learned from this friend that there's a way I try to bounce energy off them, and I kind of get energy back from them. The only reason I'm aware of this is that I've been kind of feeding this energy out to him, but I don't have the least feel of what's going on inside his head. Usually, I can put together a sort of picture and figure how they're most likely to respond. This friend has a few verbal kind of reflexes, but I couldn't really picture what he wants for dinner. I can conjecture he'll like it if it's spicy, but I don't know if he likes KFC or Burger King better.

I know that he says he's really busy, but spends hours watching youtube. I know that if he wants to take a nap, he'll wait until someone else does, or until he's alone. I don't pretend to be a mind-reader; I've told him a million times that I need him to communicate with me. I don't know that he might want a nap and that I should probably leave the room, unless he communicates; and he doesn't communicate. I know I can ask him a dozen times to take out the trash and I'm pretty sure he genuinely doesn't understand why I ask him, or why I don't just do it myself.

I know we only spent a few hours together before I left. His mother told me he didn't want to argue with me anymore. I didn't want to argue in the first place, but we weren't going anywhere; we weren't accomplishing anything. He wasn't tackling his fines that keep him from having his license. He chose to go to a wedding instead. And yes, I'm still hurt that he chose the other over me, but I guess the majority of what we've done was argue. But I wouldn't argue if I didn't care.

I think overall, we just need to take some time and cool off. His friend who we lived with really did have a huge hand in damaging our relationship, and now I need to take some time for myself and actually accomplish those goals that have just been waiting around for me. I'll unquestionably feel better about all of this when it really feels behind me; when I can move on with my life.

And as attached as I got to this friend, it's definitely really sad to have to move forward without him, but I wasn't moving forward with him. I hope one day, I can articulate this to him. It probably won't mean anything to him; it definitely won't mean what I want it to mean. I'm definitely going to miss him a lot. But it can't be helped. I have to build my own foundation before I can help someone else out. He doesn't seem to want my help.

When this is all a little less fresh, I'm sure I will lean more toward the acknowledgment that this relationship, if it had become truly romantic, wasn't going to be fully fulfilling for me. He wasn't able to speak my love language, in the first place, and he doesn't know what his is. We make good companions, but he also thinks he's too smart to be told what to do. He can imagine where everyone else may go and how that will work, but I don't think he wants to know or plan for himself. Or he doesn't want to focus. I can understand not wanting to focus; it's hard to find the balance between living in the moment and focusing on long-term goals.

I don't know what it will take for him to heed his own advice and just choose something. Or maybe he has. Maybe he came back to Arizona for the same reason he wouldn't come back to Wisconsin with me. Maybe he's chosen the band. I hope so, for him. I also wish him luck in finding some educational program to pursue.

I hope in the next few years, he grows.

I'm still hurt that he didn't say goodbye, but on the bright side, he poked me in the side this morning, so he might've just been in a hurry. I guess he got a ride to work today, so that's very likely. In the long run, things will be fine.

[ayanacam]

Stand Still

:02

Five months ago...

July 17th, 2022

The nursery was a pale mint blue, accents of gray, white, and yellow surrounding the walls. The furniture was a crisp white wood. A crib and dresser on opposites of the wall, fitting perfectly in the vision Christen had been wanting ever since she had graduated high school and had worked in her friend's mother's baby store. She knew yellow and pale blue was a neutral color, meant for any gender and she had perfectly executed it. Everything was perfect.

Christen's hands caressed her belly, her stomach protruding slightly since she was entering her second trimester. She had gotten around to finally picking a day to go and get checked. She had found out she was two months pregnant, realizing that the stress and "flu" symptoms were actually her pregnancy hormones all out of whack; however, she couldn't have been happier to find that she was expecting. Something she had been wanting with Dallas since their first year of marriage.

Thank god for miracles... Christen thought.

"Baby?" Dallas' voice sliced through her silence.

She turned, her eyes washing over her husband. Blue button down shirt and a simple sweater, pair of dark wash jeans and khaki Clark's covering his feet. He looked delectable and her libido sky rocketed with another glance.

Dallas smiled, knowing. Lately Christen had been insatiable, her hands and mouth everywhere over him within the last few weeks; especially with the fact of painting the nursery. He had been practically naked and what should've been a week paint job, turned into three.

"Alright Mrs. horny," Christen blushed. "Everyone is starting to arrive, come on."

Christen giggled, her hands covering her stomach before she moved towards her significant other.

"You ready to tell them?" Dallas gathered her hands into his.

She nodded, butterflies filling her stomach consistently at the thought of telling her family and friends that they were going to have a child. Everyone had expected them to come back from their honeymoon pregnant, but all that glowed was her tan skin from their vacation in Tahiti.

"Hey," Dallas pulled her into his chest, squeezing her gently. "This is a happy moment. Don't let the years of failed tests reign over the positive one."

He always knew what to say, Christen smiling as she looked down. Her button down baggy shirt covered what she knew was there and it made her happy. For awhile she lived with a baby without someone knowing. She got the bliss of knowing that the baby was just hers and Dallas' for a few months. No constant calls of checking in and overbearing parents, she wasn't quite ready to give it up.

"Alright, come on."

Dallas could see the gears turning inside of her head, eventually going to lead her into regression of the choice to let their closest family and friends know that they were soon to be parents. He placed his lips upon her forehead and interlaced their fingers together. He gently tugged at her, away from the nursery.

They descended the staircase, their family and friends all over the house. Some in the living space or in the kitchen attached. The house was buzzing.

"Hey! It's Christen." Logan yelled.

Everyone joined, a smile lighting her face.

"Hi Logan." She chuckled, walking over to him, embracing him shortly.

"What's going on? How are you?" Logan grinned.

"I'm great," she beamed. "You?"

He nodded, "I could be better but all's well that ends well."

She nodded, "Well if you need to talk, I'm here for you."

"I know." He had a small sad smile. "It's good to see you sis."

"Good to see you too baby bro." She punched his shoulder in playful manner.

Others eventually, one by one and groups, had said hello and began to eat the food Dallas had cooked. For about an hour and a half, everyone socialized, drinks were continuously poured and food consumed.

"Alright, alright, alright!" Dallas exclaimed.

Everyone's chatter had slowly quieted, Christen's nerves slowly building in anticipation.

"So I know you guys are all wondering why we have brought you here, even though we were all together about and week and a half ago for Fourth of July." Dallas chuckled.

Christen's eyes filled with tears as she took her next breath, "I know you guys were expecting us to be pregnant the moment we stepped off the plane from our honeymoon."

"Oh my god," Christen's mother Amelia gasped.

"We've brought you here today, to tell you guys that we are four months pregnant." Dallas smiled, looking down at her stomach, his hand gliding over the material covering it.

Everyone began to yell, cheerfully and loudly. Multiple group hugs and kisses were shared as everyone took in the news. Christen was crying and Dallas was beaming, so proud of what they had created and were now starting.

"Wait wait wait, you mean to tell me for four months I didn't know you were pregnant?" Amelia smacked Dallas' arm.

"Ow, Jesus woman." His hand soothingly rubbed the spot she had hit.

"Christen?" Amelia's gaze landed on her.

"We wanted to be sure we could make it past the first trimester. We didn't want you guys to get your hopes up." Christen guiltily shrugged.

"Well nevertheless, I'm happy for both of you. Congratulations son." Chris, Dallas' father, had clapped his shoulder.

"Thanks pops. Means a lot." Dallas smiled.

For the rest of the night, things had gone smoothly. Questions that were asked, had been answered and the nursery was shown to everyone. For the first time Christen's heart was content fully. As she looked around, everyone in her home was just as ecstatic as she had been when she found out.

Dallas and Christen had eventually ushered everyone out, the last wave and car leaving soon after they announced they had an early morning for a doctors appointment and a La Mas class.

"Thank you." Christen kissed her husbands chest.

"For what?" Dallas looked down at his wife.

"For giving me everything I could've ever possibly wanted." Christen played with the clear buttons.

A small grin graced Dallas' face as he looked at his wife being a slight mush. He knew she hated being one but had her small moments here and there.

He tilted her chin, "Thank you for being everything I've ever wanted."

Tears brimmed the sides of her eyes before Dallas pulled her into a sweet kiss. They stood on their porch, the lights a low glow. They were content and blithe.

Present Day...

January 16th, 2023

It was dimly lit in the interrogation room, a small overhead light swaying over the head of the table. Christen squinted, laying her head onto her forearms; the headache stronger than ever. The pain medication was doing nothing to subdue, her edginess more noticeable than ever as Andrew rubbed the small of her back.

"You okay?" He questioned.

It had been restless nights, ever since the unfortunate scene of events a week ago. It wasn't okay, but at this point she didn't know what that was.

"I'm fine." she responded quietly.

"You sure?" Andrew leaned, matching her eyesight.

"No, but if I'm here I must be." She admitted.

"You know Chris, we can do this another day. We don't need to rush anything. The trial isn't for a few months anyways." Andrew confirmed.

"I don't want to do this later. I don't want to get to a place where I am at least on the verge of being fine and reopen wounds." She fanned her hands around on the table. Her breaths had quickened. Her heart was racing uncontrollably, something she hadn't been able to confine the last few days.

"Christen." Andrew's voice broke.

"What?" Her eyes, filled with salty teardrops, were glassy.

"Do you want to do this another day?" Andrew asked, slowly.

She shook her head, her shoulders slumping forward; her weight resting against the middle of the cracked black table. It seemed like forever before the detective who was handling the case walked in, closing the door behind him. He nodded towards Andrew and opened his mouth as if to try and express his sympathy, but nothing came out. There was nothing that he could say that would make what he was about to say any easier.

"Ms. Collins."

Christen looked up, dried tear stains marking the redness of her cheeks. Her eyes were puffy and besides her cheeks, the rest of her looked sickly and pale. He wasn't about to comment on that though, he knew better not to.

"I won't ask you what you're feeling. I know whatever it is, isn't good and we won't rehash that." A slight pause, a deep breath followed suit. "I came across some information about your late husband. Dallas Collins."

"What information would that be?" Andrew's brows furrowed.

"Dallas Collins had been money laundering for what seems to be like, the past four years. Documentation of the accounts we found offshore and in other banks suspects that he might've taken them over from a person in a higher position who had retired."

Christen's eyes had widened, her hands shaking slightly. Her mind raced as she wondered how she couldn't have known. She had always handled the bills, the taxes, anything that meant paying companies and government officials. Her mind wandered around into the small dark corners of her brain to see if she could scour anything she could remember about anything. If something had been off or if Dallas had ever shown fear about money or people.

"Apart from that, it seems like Dallas was also involving himself into the underground drug trade, selling millions worth of cocaine, heroine, and methamphetamine's. Dallas must have gotten himself into some nasty business with a guy named Grant Valente. Do you know that name by any chance?"

Andrew's mouth was dry. All those accounts he had been handling for Dallas, multiple cards and bank accounts. He should've known. As Andrew looked over to Christen, he realized that Christen was looking even worse than before. She was like a sheet of white, pale as ever and a small sweat had broken over her skin.

"Ms. Collins?"

"No, I don't." Christen blankly answered.

Her mind was reeling, all over again. Dallas showed no fear or concern for anything dangerous lurking around their lives. Everything was always, "I'll handle it" or "It's fine baby, nothing to worry about" with a kiss placed on her lips and something else filled her mind as she was whisked into something romantic. Nothing ever screamed at her, nothing but happiness in what was turning out to be fucked up a world.

"Nothing at all?" the detective questioned softly. "Anything that could be weird. Multiple bank accounts, prepaid cards, late night phone calls, reflection of questions when you asked anything?"

"We had multiple bank accounts. Something about savings and how it would help us with retirement since the health benefits from his job were apparently shit." Christen's head was pounding, her face stuck into a frown.

"Alright that's good, anything else?"

"I never checked his wallet, but I always saw a lot of cards whenever he pulled it out, just from what I could see." Christen's shoulders moved.

"Anymore, can you think of a time he ever seemed to be secretive."

"If Dallas was secretive he had something sweet or romantic planned out. I don't think I've ever seen him being secretive about something like this." She murmured softly.

Her whole world, in which she thought was a good one, was turning out to be something completely different. She had no idea that her late husband was apart of something so dangerous and sickening. Her stomach was turning, bile rising up her throat as she continued to ponder about his late night activities.

"Also, Ms. Collins," the detective knew he was about to officially break her.

"Yes?" Christen looked up, the light too much for her migraine to handle.

"From looking into Dallas's bank accounts, we found some activity we feel you should know about. Dallas, it seems, was leading a double life from the payments we've looked over. Dallas had a wife in New York, Manhattan to be more specific. They had two kids."

Andrew's eyes grew, "Bullshit!"

The detective grew, opening the file that was laid out on the old beaten up table. His fingers skimmed through a few pieces and packets of paper before pulling out a few pictures, Dallas laced within each and every one of them. Andrew had snatched the file, looking over the woman and two kids pictured with Dallas, smiling and happy. Christen broke, officially sobbing into her hands. Andrew was yelling, while officers had made their way into the room to get Andrew off of the detective.

Christen was tapped, her head not registering anything she was hearing in reality. Her mind wasn't set on what was going on now.

"Ms. Collins, can you hear me?" A cop, dressed in blue and black.

She nodded slowly, her eyes resting on the blue ones that crouched in front of her.

She looked around, the room completely destroyed. The table had been flipped and papers were scattered. The small space was wrecked to the fullest. Andrew was being restrained in the corner, Christen finally coming into her senses and hearing his wails to defend her cheating husband. She stood, pushing past the cops holding Andrew gently aside. She stood and looked at her friend of years, her hands softly grasping his face into them.

"It's okay, Andrew. It's okay. You're okay." Christen consoled.

"It's not true Chris, he loved you. Everything in him screamed love for you." Andrew cried.

"I know." Christen lied.

He didn't love her, Christen knew this. If that was the case, he wouldn't have had a double life. He wouldn't have lied and cheated. Wouldn't have given another woman kids before her. Wouldn't have even had another woman. Did the woman know about her? Did she know about her and Angela or what Dallas had been doing for the past few years? Christen sank to the ground with Andrew as he held his head between his hands.

"I can't do this Chris. I didn't know he-"

"I believe you." Her voice broke, there was nothing she could do.

"I'm so sorry." Andrew stared blankly at the cold ground.

Christen shrugged, sitting beside him leaning on his shoulder. She didn't have any fight over her, but something was brewing beneath her skin. Rage, dangerous and threatening. She wanted to know so many unanswered questions. She didn't know if she was strong enough to have them answered or to meet the other woman.

"Ms. Collins, it would be best for you both to leave." Christen looked up, the detective a little disheveled as she saw the pity in his eyes.

She nodded, her hand closing around the width of Andrew's arm. Pulling him out of his small trance of disbelief, he realized he needed to be moving. He saw the detective, his pride coming into play before knocking some sense into his self.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get physical." Andrew hung his head in shame.

"Understandable, you guys led a life that was normal, stable and ordinary. It's a lot to take in in such a short period of time." The detective placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Do me a favor," Andrew looked up, "This is the address to Caroline Davis' house in Manhattan. Give her a visit. Or talk to Christen about it and get her to visit. They're pretty broken as well."

"Did they know about her and Angela?" Andrew interrogated.

The detective's facial expression was all he needed to see to answer the simple question, that yes they did know about her. Andrew sighed and took the slip of paper before he walked over to Christen sitting in the waiting room of the police station. From what Andrew could see, Chris was broken in every sense of the word. Not only had she lost her husband and baby in an ugly fight that was only meant for Dallas. She just found out that her whole life was a lie, yet she was supporting him.

"You ready to go?" Andrew fingering the small piece of paper in his pocket.

She nodded, her throat constricting as she tried to hold herself in the station. She didn't want to be perceived as weak. Of course the situation at hand warranted emotions and breakdowns but that wasn't her, not in the slightest. Andrew escorted her out of the lobby, multiple cameramen and microphones thrust into their face, together and separately.

"Is it true that your husband was apart of a major drug ring?"

Apparently so.

"Are you going to testify against Monica Stratford and Grant Valente?"

With everything in me.

"Is it true your husband had an affair?"

Fuck him.

"Ms. Collins, are you pregnant with your husband's baby?"

No comment.

"Will Angela get justice?"

She hoped.