#I've literally written whole stories in my head while in there. if only I could write them...

[arttsuka]

Everytime I have an MRI scan the sounds really remind me of star trek so I always make scenarios with the characters or I pretend to be in one of the starship medbays to pass the time

[drunkinyourbenz]

୨ৎ lifeline. b.e

୨ৎ billie eilish x best friend!reader (platonic)

୨ৎ genre: fluff!! for once <3

୨ৎ content: they're literally js best friends i love them what cuties

୨ৎ note: part of my superache collection <3 based off the song best friend. fully based on my best friend ily girl. literally the only pure fluff i've ever written enjoy it while it lasts

୨ৎ wc: 1k

you were billie’s best friend in the whole world. everyone knew that, there was a part of you in all of her instagram dumps, you were the main person who showed up in her box of old letters and memories, and you were inseparable. in the past, whenever she went on live or answered questions on her story, you were right there with her—whether or not you were on screen, you were there. her favourite person, her best friend. her ride or die. always. 

in interviews, when photos of the two were shown, an uncontrollable grin would take over her face, eyes lighting up, “yeah, that’s my fucking best friend. my girl, always.” there was never any doubt—since you’d met billie, it’s been clear to everyone around you. attached by the hip, you were soulmates in the sweetest sense of the word.

you’d been friends for a long time—not as long as some, you hadn’t met as five year olds, not even twelve year olds. but you’d clicked instantly, and it felt like you’d known her your entire life. you’d been sixteen when you met billie, both in tough stages of your lives as you navigated the world as teenagers, and you’d quickly found yourself woven into her life and you never left. she was a constant in your life as you were for her. ten years of friendship, and you’d been with each other through almost everything. 

throughout billie’s whole transition into fame, you were by her side. you held her through the constant media scrutiny, and you were with her for her first ever tour. every breakup, every album, every single phase of her life. others would come and go, they’d fade out of her life, but not you. you were billie’s constant. 

“billieee,” you sung as you unlocked her front door with the spare key you’d been given—the keyring was a small plastic figurine of a rat, something that held endless laughter and significance for the two of you, but probably made others raise a skeptical brow. you didn’t care, of course. neither of you cared how weird you may look, as long as you were together.

the moment you spoke, you heard something thud and a muffled grumble coming from upstairs, but before you knew it she had come hurling downstairs, flinging herself into your arms. arms wrapped around your neck, she clung to you as if she hadn’t seen you in years, burying her head in your neck. 

“hi, my favourite girl. missed you.”

“i missed you more,” your voice came out laced with soft laughter, fingers threading through her hair as you just savoured the feeling of being close to her. “you kept calling me, i couldn’t just stay away.” 

billie giggled, the sound ever so slightly sheepish, face still buried in your shoulder. 

“you said something happened–” you were cut off by her voice as she pulled back slightly with a grin, arms still firmly around you. 

“yeah, whatever. i lied. movie night.” 

you rolled your eyes fondly at her, but you didn’t really have any arguments—movie nights with billie were your favourite thing in the world. “fiiiine, you little liar. you pick the movie, i’ll grab us some snacks.” 

billie practically squealed, arms wrapping tighter around you for a moment as she grinned, “ugh, i love you.”

“i love you too, loser.”

billie didn’t take long to pick a movie—she never cared what she watched as long as she was with you, so she chose a movie she’d watched a few times before so that she could talk to you all through it. once she’d set it up on the tv, she padded back into the kitchen where you were getting some popcorn ready—you knew where everything in her kitchen was kept, which felt like a special kind of intimacy. 

her arms snaked around your waist, her chin resting on your shoulder from behind, “you’re taking so longgg,” she whined, using the baby voice she’d used since the two of you were teens. 

the second the popcorn was out of the microwave and in a bowl, she grabbed your hand and dragged you over to the couch, tugging you down to sit next to her. she practically stuck to you like glue, one arm around the back of your waist—you were almost certain it must be going numb from staying in the position for so long, but she didn’t care. her head rested on your shoulder, your fingers running soothingly through her hair. the movie was playing, but it was more like background noise as the two of you lay there, talking about everything and nothing.

you weren’t totally sure when the movie had ended and the screen faded to darkness, but soon enough it was dark outside and your eyes were heavy, arms wrapped lazily around billie. billie’s fingers were tracing soft patterns on your arm, her cool fingers ghosting gently over your skin in the shapes of flowers, stars, anything that came to her mind. she was relaxed for once—able to step back from the music, the stress of it all, the media, and just feel. skin to skin contact had always been a big thing for billie in any and all relationships, it was an automatic instinct and it calmed her, soothed her. 

after a long moment, she murmured softly, voice slightly muffled from how her head rested against your shoulder. “you staying?”

“obviously.” 

soon enough, the two of you fell asleep right there on her couch, billie pulling a blanket over the two of you, the soft sounds of your breathing synced, shark and brutus laying at your feet. it was a sort of peace you’d never felt with anyone else, a peace that only came when someone truly understood you. billie was your person, that was simple. there were no complications, no confusion, it was just you and billie. 

and when it was just you and billie, the world felt whole. you could breathe a little easier.

୨ৎ tags : @47lake @st0nerlesb0 @n0vabug @darkside-0f-the-sun @asterisk-eyes @amara-eilish @dragoneyelashart @greenbttrflyy @nothinglastsiknowthedeal777 @tan1shere @asothinking @ilovealiceosemann @chrissv4mp @lovelyy-moonlight

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

Hey this is so random, but I've seen you all over the place on tumblr and only recently clicked on your blog (because of your awesome Lilo and Stitch post lol) and figured out that you're Midas touch of angst?? Are you kidding me???? I was sooo obsessed with every fic you'd ever written back when you were writing the fic about the stranger things kids being superheroes!! Shatter I think!!! And then all of its sequels and then all of the asoue x stranger things fics.

I absolutely loved your writing. It was literally the only thing I thought about for a year. Everyday I'd frantically check if you had updated and if you had i always read the chapter at least twice. I didn't have an ao3 account then so I had all of your fics bookmarked on my home page, and I must have seriously spent every single day of that year reading and rereading everything you wrote. I'm not even exaggerating I loved your fics soooo much.

I loved how you wrote the characters, they all seemed like such great friends and the mysteries were so cool and intriguing. In Shatter I was so obsessed with what the heck was going on with Mike, and then the update at the arcade!!!! I actually lost my mind I think. Also when Nancy figured out that "Mike" had been at the lab. And the way you did the super powers stuck with me so hard, I remember I tried to write a superhero story of my own because of it but I couldn't think of a way to do the powers in a way that wasn't just blatantly ripping off yours lol. You had completely cornered the market in my mind.

A scene that also stuck with me was when El saw Bev cutting her hair and Bev said "my dad liked it long" and then El just said "my dad liked it short" like AUGH ITS SUCH A POIGNANT TWO SENTENCES OF DIALOGUE IT MAKES ME CRAZY. I was literally just thinking about that exchange last week lol. I think I've brought it up in a creative writing class before.

I honestly think your fics are the reason I love stranger things so much. When season four came out I rewatched the whole show for the first time in a while and was really struck by how little everyone seemed to get along, even when they weren't in high stress situations (so like. almost never lol). It still had all my favorite characters and cool scenes and whatnot, but it seemed like it was missing something that was so fundamentally stranger things, which honestly might have just been your characterization of them. Even when everything was horrible you could tell how much everyone loved each other. They felt like real kids!

Also I legitimately need to know how on earth you had such a fast update schedule. Back then I didn't think it was that weird (mostly because I was 100% sure I'd die if updates were too far apart) but now, looking back, the daily updates were insane. How did you do it. Was the story consuming your thoughts as much as it was consuming mine? I know it's been eight years or something (eight years?????) but I still feel so indebted to you for all those awesome chapters so fast.

Also I think I for real screamed out loud when you started doing the asoue fanfics I was that excited lol.

I'm not sure how many comments I left back then, so let me retroactively say thank you so so so much for all the writing you did, and for posting it online. You really made such a huge impact on my life and I can't express how much I appreciate it. You've got some awesome stories in your head and some awesome ways to tell them!! You seriously rule. I hope the past years have been treating you well :)

HI OP I AM KISSING YOU ON THE MOUTH I AM THIS KERMIT PICTURE RN

literally means SO MUCH to me as an aspiring professional writer. i pumped out so many fanfics pre-covid lmao. Literally I'm gonna cryyyyyyy

Also to answer the daily updates, here's my secret: I was always scared I'd leave a fic unfinished, so I would pre-write like 25-50% of the fic before deciding to post, so I just had a whole backlog. Gave me plenty of time to edit too lmaooo

I was doing that with my Sonic fanfic but I caught up and right now I'm struggling through actions scenes lol

[overtake]

Not to be weird but I feel like I got zapped when I read your hockey snippet, how didn't I know that this existed? It's literally been living my brain for hours and I've not been able to stop re-reading it since 🙃 clearly you can take the girl out of toronto but you can't take toronto out the girl because im a changed person now. No pressure ofc I mean this in non-prodding way but praying and willing you to put your snippets together. If you never come around to it then I'm glad (and changed) for what you've shared with world regardless 🙏🏻🙏🏻

This is SO sweet 🥹 I love you so much. Just for this, please have a bit more hockey au. There's a tiny snippet after a media bit (Surprise, this fic is multi-media! Writing the social media parts has been my fave part of the entire process)

@.MapleLeafs on TikTok: | December 12, 2023

[Players walk by a whiteboard on their way into the practice rink. They're stopped to answer the question written on it as they enter. The caption written over their heads reads: "Who don’t your Leafs want to sit next to on a flight?"]

ALEX ALBON: Easy one. Esteban Ocon. He’ll bite your head off if you make a single noise. I think he’d get mad if the plane was going down and you tried to warn him. LOGAN SARGEANT: Gasly or Ocon. I don’t know if it’s a French thing, but they both get really annoyed if you talk to them on a plane. PIERRE GASLY: Danny Ric. He is the loudest person I’ve ever met in my life. ESTEBAN OCON: Daniel Ricciardo. Sorry, Daniel. DANIEL RICCIARDO: Gasly. Max and I were just having a conversation and he rose up behind us and nearly bit our heads off for laughing. I don’t know why he keeps sitting near us. MAX VERSTAPPEN: I don’t really mind sitting next to anyone. I usually sit next to Daniel, and we have a good time. He keeps movies downloaded for us. They're often not very good, but that's sometimes more fun, you know? YUKI TSUNODA: Daniel. VALTERRI BOTTAS: Daniel Ricciardo. ZHOU GUANYU: Daniel. He is very nice and fun, but sometimes you just want to relax on a flight. MARCUS ERICCSON: Surely everyone except Max picked Daniel, right? FERNANDO ALONSO: I don’t want to sit next to anyone.

Mara (DR’s Reputation Era) @.mv33fan: Fernando Alonso: I hate this entire team The entire team: We hate Daniel and the French Max and Daniel: Ask again later. Our mouths are occupied with each other’s dicks.

________

Theoretically, Daniel knew that his and Max's pre-game ritual could end up on the broadcast. Butt taps and silly handshakes in the tunnel inevitably end up on team Instagram stories even if they don't air on TV. It was to be expected, particularly on a Saturday night game against Ottawa.

Still, he didn’t exactly expect a whole montage. It's a nice little package, to be fair. It shows him and Max laughing next to each other in the tunnels and locker rooms before games, followed by their fingers interlocking in their usual drawn-out high five. Daniel prefers to fist bump the whole team and exit only before the goalies, but his routine with Max is always a bit of a production that holds up the line. It's only a surprise it hasn't been uploaded sooner.

After a game where Max scored two goals and Daniel threw his body in front of a rogue deflection and stopped the Sens from a late-third tie, the media naturally focuses on the montage. God forbid they talk about actual fucking hockey in the hockey interview.

“We call it tangled love,” he tells reporters in the press scrum after the game. “In honour of our artistic collision last game.”

It wasn’t a real collision. They’d just got tangled up together when things got chippy by the net. Their skates had collided and they'd taken each other out while trying to defend Esteban from some Habs players. It was all over social media, though, and Daniel knew they’d end up in some embarrassing NHL moments compilation.

They’d both laid on the ice, a little stunned and a lot stupid, before Daniel let out a giant laugh and broke the tension. Max had risen to his feet and tried to pull up Daniel, only for them both to fall right back down as if this was the first time they'd ever skated.

They’d actually been doing this little handshake all season, but reporters were always happy for a soundbite to latch onto and a joke they’d never let go. There's not much to work with in this league in the way of on-camera personality, so it’d probably be a story for the next week. The go-karting clips of the two of them were so popular than even Max mentioned he’d seen them on Reels, and he’d carefully curated his feed to show him anything but Leafs content.

Daniel can’t explain it, this warmth that makes him feel like he’s glowing from inside out all the time since the season started, but he knows he feels it most when he sees people write his name alongside Max’s like their togetherness is a given.

[joxide]

Odyssey Javier Escuella x Reader Chapter 1

Author Note: I've read and enjoyed fanfics for years as much as much as I have writing. Now my best friend is pushing me to finally put myself out there a bit more. This fic is probably going to be VERY LONG as i yap too much... also smut is alluded to but never outright written (graphically etc) so this is more a fluffy series.

CW/Dislaimer: Strong language and period typical slurs that are used in game will be seen in this, Diverging from canon, smut alluded to but never graphically written (that's for your imagination to come up with reader), I love fluffy sweet stories.

1: The new scrap in camp

You had been with the gang for around two years before you all had to flee off to Colter. The whole journey there had been scarred with misery, death and uncertainty.

You all had to keep faith of course.

Blind faith was really the only thing any of you could hold onto and grip with both hands. Especially in this freezing cold. It would drive anyone insane. It was the kind of cold that would burrow its way through your skin to your bones lingering there even infront of a roaring fire. The kind of cold that really ached, hurt and reinforced the dire situation you found yourselves in.

If that wasn't bad enough, you now had another mouth to feed. and it's name was Kieran Duffy. He was some poor scrap who got caught up quite literally in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong gang. Seriously… how unlucky could one person be.

You started wrapping the fur around your boots tight. You figured you'd rather cut off your circulation than get soaked cold ankles and feet. You wanted to take a little wander over to check in on him because you couldn't help but feel a bit of sympathy towards him for your own reasons. Not only that but you wanted to get out of the cabin, the only thing you were risking was missing out on Swansons preaching. Cabin fever was going to be an issue.

Dutch had already broken up a fight in the boys cabin. You think it probably started heading bad in there when Lenny told Micah there would be a party when he died.. something like that. Arthur had filled you in on the details and you full well knew how he felt about Micah. you shoved open the door and trudged across to the stables. The snow was up to your knees and every step was a burden. It was a short walk but in this snowstorm? Should've packed provisions for a hike.

you went into the stables and it was a slight improvement in warmth but not much. You couldn't imagine how bad it was for him. "Hi Kieran…" you started taking a seat infront of him "i'd ask how you are but that would seem rude" "no.. no it's okay.. it would actually make a change" he spoke weakly. He had an incredibly nervous composition and a slight strain in his voice. "So you rode with the O'Driscoll's for a while huh…" "I'm not one of them! Please…" His face snapped up to make yours and you immediately felt bad. "no.. no! i wasn't accusing you of… Gosh you really remind me of myself when i was first brought here" you sighed and Kieran furrowed his eyebrows at this. "You know how i feel..? I um.. i kind of doubt that i mean.. you're part of them… part of this gang" he emphasised. You readjusted your position and looked at him sincerely. "it wasn't always like that. When me and my brother ran away from home he fell in with that lot a-and i mean REALLY fell in. me being 4 years his junior of course i had to go with him. I learnt a lot but i wouldn't say it was the finest moments of life" you explained. "i don't know what it was but it just seemed like Colm was grooming b/n. like a young protegie or something" "b/n.. i think.. i think i've heard of the name.." he pondered out loud. You immediately perked up and shot across closer to him at such a pace Kieran visibly startled. "s-sorry! I just.. how does he seem.. i-is he well? I have to know.." "from the limited time i saw him he seemed.. um… stuck up..?" he squeaked anticipating a smack across the face rivaling that of being slapped with a wet fish. but no smack came. instead you picked at hay in your lap. "he… wasn't always like that.. but i suppose that's what happens when you get groo-" heavy boots came into the stable and you both turned your heads up to look like two children who just got caught stealing candies. "oh sorry, didn't realise i was interupting a reunion" javier said borderline scolding you both "it's not a reunion! i swear! i didn't even know y/n- she-" kieran stumbled over his words pathetically "really y/n? going behind our backs with him, of all people!" he started. you couldn't tell if he was joking or not and you felt just as tiny as the day you arrived. a little untrusted scrap like Kieran. "you and the ah.. o'driscoll boy." "no no! it's no like that at all" you replied trying not to get yourself into trouble. "mhmm.. sure querida" he finished with a slight hidden smirk before leaving. He was clearly just winding you up but that man really knew how to frighten someone. Kieran looked slightly disturbed so you gave him a friendly smile. "oh hey look ignore him. he's really quite nice when you get to know him"

Kieran looked completely and utterly dumbfounded at your words. as if you just landed on earth from another planet or that you just grew a second arm.

"what? have i grown something on my head?" "no.. it's just he doesn't seem that way.. especially with me" "oh well to me he's so caring and compassionate.. in his own way. I think he's real sweet" you said hiding your cheeks slightly. Kieran smiled. "by any chance.. are you sweet on that man? maybe tha-" "what! no! i mean! Hey! Don't be nosey! my mother always said if your nosey your nose might fall right off so i'm looking out for you!" you fumbled. Kieran shook his head slightly and you left.

Kieran you didn't care so much about but there were some people in camp who under no circumstances could ever know about this deep dark harbouring secret, especially- "you really know how to flatter a man, don't you querida" you felt a strong arm wrap around your shoulders pulling you into his side for warmth. "i don't see kieran in that way Javier…" you repsonded full well knowing that is not what he meant. He chuckled and looked at you affectionately. "well thanks for the confirmation y/n.. puts my mind at rest.." you were really digging yourself into a deep hole, and it wasn't just the snow. so you decided to try deflect. "how long have you been hanging around outside the door hm? Don't you have gaurd duty or something else you should be doing?" you questioned trying to look him in the face and failing so miserably. You had been pining for this man ever since you first saw him in camp. He looked like he belonged to a gang but in a sort of… classy suave way you thought. "woah! settle down there chica, Lenny just relieved me from my shift. now come on you'll get cold standing around there like that you're not wearing enough warm clothing." "wh- i am wearing enough! any more layers and i might not be able to move." you gead stured to your outfit. layers upon layers of fur had you looking like a real mountain man. "maybe i just don't want to see a pretty girl in the cold now come on, don't be difficult" Javier demanded dragging you back towards the main cabins. What was with him today. Maybe it was just because of him overhearing your praises of him and your subsequent bashfulness desperately defending yourself but you had never been this close to him before. it felt nice… cosy even. it just felt right.

[the-nerdiest-insanity]

Okay so I'm not saying you have to write this but I wanted to share this little plot bunny in my brain with the first fic writer who showed up in the tags.

(this is not a request I just really really want to talk about this)

Okay so we all agree that the reason 'we literally have the rest of eternity to figure out what the rest of it means' is cause Charles never finished reading the myth, right?

So imagine if Edwin is killed of for realsies, and instead of just out right stating that the reader instead gets to find it out through the means of Charles reading the myth- you know, finishing it.

(the angst potential is twsiting me insides)

I started this at midnight for me, and this wormed it's way into my brain and won't leave. The ask gives away the twist, but I hope I've written this well enough that it doesn't matter

The Song Was Written Long Ago

Title from Road to Hell (reprise), Hadestown

Charles landed on the floor with the dull thumping feeling he has associated with living as a ghost on Earth. Niko and the Night Nurse are staring at him with shocked expressions.

"Charles--" Niko tried to start before he abruptly cut her off with a shake of his head.

"Don't Niko, just don't," he mumbled. Charles sniffled and slammed his fist into the ground. Slowly, he sat up onto his knees.

"Hey, I heard a loud noise," Crystal said as she entered. She took in the somber faces around her. "Did something happen? Where's--"

"Don't," Charles spat out, sharper this time. "Don't fucking say it."

"Charles?" Crystal asked as she took a hesitant step forward.

Charles stood up and plowed his way across the room, uncaring about the voices asking about him or the hands trying to stop him. He leapt into the first mirror he could reach. "Take me home," was his only thought.

Charles landed harshly into thei-- the office. His legs carried him automatically to the bookshelf. It had been so meticulously organized before this whole damned trip. Now, everything was a cluttered mess after searching for the book to save Niko.

A painful voice echoed in his head, "It wouldn't be so messy if you'd just follow my system." Charles bit his lip, attempting to rein in his emotions.

This is like one of those Orpheus and Eurydice moments, yeah?

Charles knew there were many different versions of the story he was searching for, but focused on finding the one he had started all those years ago.

Finally, he pulled out Metamorphoses. He flipped to Book X, finding the line he last read. He had stopped when the pair began to leave the Underworld. He had figured either they made it out and lived a happy life or something terrible happened. And, Charles was fine never knowing what the answer was. Until now.

He read about Orpheus's confidence in getting the pair out. He read out Orpheus's doubt. He read about Orpheus turning around too soon.

Charles slammed the book shut. He didn't need to read about how Orpheus died because he was already dead.

Charles slid slowly down to the ground, crying into the book. He could hear a voice in his head scolding him for not taking care of property. It made Charles hiccup as he sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Edwin. I shouldn't have looked back. I should've lead up out before I talked to you. I'm so sorry. We were supposed to have the rest of eternity. Edwin, please."

The rest of eternity was a very short time, indeed.

Was I listening to the Hadestown soundtrack while listening to this? How could you tell? For real, I hope you all liked this and I made the annon proud.

[danmei-confessions]

I truly think SVSSS deserves a revision more than any of MXTX's other novels.

I love the novel, yes, but it is poorly written. MXTX rushed the chapters after Bbingqiu's reunion due to using VIP lock for the first time and it makes the writing distinctly worse. I understand that she was young while writing it, which is the whole reason why it deserves a revision. The novel could have so much more potential than it currently does and it's no wonder that it's her least popular when even fans of her other novels choose to not read it due to being uninterested.

So much more story could be added, or just minor details. For example, we barely know anything about the 12 peaks all together, and unless you make up facts, there's practically nothing on their peak lords too. I see complaints about the SVSSS wiki being empty regarding the peak lords and I hate to say it, but that's NOT due to the moderators but rather pure lack of content. Hell, most of the facts that do existed were only in the light novel and not in the web novel at all. There's such little information it's really not shocking that the fandom runs on head-canons. In all 100 chapters of her novel, half of it in slightly plot, while the other is SQQ being... SQQ.

I have so many thoughts on the potential SVSSS has:

Despite it being mentioned that there are 'plenty of minor sects' we only hear the name of one.

Despite sects like Tian Yi or Zhao Hua being a part of the main 4, we know almost nothing about them, how they run, or their disciples/sect lead (literally the only named Tian Yi disciples are the 3 nuns). We also don't know their locations, what locations they control, or their history

The past events of SVSSS (before SY transmigrated) are so messy. Theres only 2 timelines I've found here on tumblr and even those are so different from each other. Theres no clear years compared to TGCF or MDZS and its so frustrating. This also leaves characters practically age-less (other than like. Binghe) unlike her other characters.

Almost none of the side-characters grow development with anyone other than Shen Qingqiu. I say 'almost' but I can not name any off the top of my head. There are characters that have/had such interesting relationships that were completely thrown out the window For The Plot. This is so.... disappointing, considering other character's relationships make up the plot! It's not only the MC!

Everything being rushed is heartbreaking, and with a re-write I think arcs such as the Holy Mausoleum, Jin Lan, Borderlands, etc could become SO much more interesting. Alongside that, the Mai Gu Ridge situation was blown off so fast?? Like, it was mentioned that the Endless Abyss was breaking through CCM, then just never mentioned again...

Power Scaling. Fights. Actual fights between people who aren't LGQ or LBH. We only really got NYY/LPM, MBJ/his uncle, and TLJ/LBH. Most of those were ALSO rushed.

The System's appearance was reduced LARGELY in the later chapters-almost like MXTX forgot about them. The whole first 2 volumes include The System so much, and its unique! functions! all for it to be disregarded and those functions to never be used other than the jade necklace.

Actually going into the wonderous world of PIDW that is claimed to have interesting weapons (only Xin Mo was shown), locations, plants (only Qingsi and that one thats too long for me to feel like typing shown), and creatures (only rly ZZL and Madam Meiyin shown).

That's all I really have right now. I'm not trying to be an anti of MXTX's other novels. I just think that SVSSS has so much potential that she could have brought out if she had chosen to revise it. I love TGCF and MDZS very much, they have great scaling, brought-out potential, and relationships that SVSSS so could have.

I do want to exclaim that out of all her 3 novels SVSSS has been my favorite for years. I genuinely feel upset that it was not the one picked despite how obvious it is that it has barely any NEW content. Or at the least, confirmed facts. In her QNA's most of the questions are purely MDZS/TGCF while there's maybe 2 SVSSS ones. Those few questions answered by her are literally lifelines for some fans. (Such as heights and Moshang) The novel could become popular just if the criticisms/potential of it were actually addressed. I'm not saying that casually but I am very sure of it as MXTX is a freakishly great writer and she COULD take the novel to the same heights as TGCF/MDZS if she truly wanted to.

.

[30somethingautisticteacher]

Live Like This Forever

Just got a comment on this ficlet on AO3 and realized I'm not sure if I ever posted this fluffy thing on Tumblr but it's one of my favorite things I've written lately.

***

30somethingAutisticTeacher

Summary:

Excerpt: He stood there for a moment, admiring the man who had chosen to love him. Tommy didn't feel deserving, of Evan's pure unwavering love, that was for sure. He choked up a bit, overwhelmed by the fact that this was his life.

Notes:

Can't stop won't stop! The writing bug is still going strong.

Tommy knew that he wanted to marry Evan. In fact, he could pinpoint the exact moment he realized Evan was his forever. They had only been dating for six months at the time, but in many ways, it felt like his life hadn't truly started until he met Evan. It was a regular Tuesday morning. For the first time in a week, their schedules had lined up, and they were eager to spend as much time together as possible. Tommy usually slept later than Evan, who tended to wake up buzzing with energy and needing to take a morning run to center himself for the day ahead.

Tommy knew he must have slept in later than usual because he could hear Evan downstairs, puttering around the kitchen quietly singing along to some awful 90s pop song. He crept downstairs as quietly as he could because he loved seeing Evan like this: his Evan, raw and carefree, the unguarded Evan who had let Tommy in despite everything he had gone through.

He stood there for a moment, admiring the man who had chosen to love him. Tommy didn't feel deserving, of Evan's pure unwavering love, that was for sure. He choked up a bit, overwhelmed by the fact that this was his life. Tommy had been thinking about asking Evan to move in together for a while now. He wanted them to live together, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he wanted himself and Evan to move into a place that belonged to them both, a place that was theirs together from the beginning. It was at that moment that Evan turned around and spotted him.

"Hi babe! Good morning, my sleepyhead," he said with his little laugh that, to be honest, was more of a giggle. "How was your run, sweetheart?" Tommy asked, stifling a yawn. "It was so great!" Evan replied. "I took a different route this morning and stumbled across a little farmer's market. I wandered around for a bit and saw that one of the vendors was selling that raspberry jam you like, so I bought two jars—one for my place and one for yours"

"You're so thoughtful," Tommy said, his voice full of admiration for his beautiful boyfriend. "Well, you know I love to take care of my man," Evan said with a suggestive little smirk and a wink. Tommy shook his head and laughed at the goofy man in front of him. "What's for breakfast?" he inquired.

Evan grinned and launched into a story. "So I was at the farmer's market, and I saw this little table selling different pancake mixes, so I had to check it out. They also had these cute little pancake accessories, and I thought that would be fun for me and Jee next time I babysit." Tommy hummed softly, indicating he was still listening. "Well, long story short," Evan continued, and Tommy smiled to himself. He wasn't sure Evan's brain was even capable of shortening his stories once he got started. "So at this table, they were selling pancake molds, and I got a few." Evan blushed a bit. "Oh yeah?" Tommy asked. Evan nodded and, with a flourish, revealed heart-shaped pancakes.

Tommy's heart swelled. It was such a little gesture, really, but he had never felt more loved. This is it, he thought, this man is my world, and the thought of ever experiencing life without the literal sunshine human standing in front of him was more than he could bear. He moved over to Evan and pulled him into a gentle kiss. "What was that for?" Evan asked with a smile that lit up his whole face. Tommy shrugged. "Just for being you, Ev," he said, hoping to convey all the love he felt into that simple statement.

Evan laughed at his words, but Tommy could tell they meant the world to the man who had been so long neglected and made to feel like he was somehow less important than others. Evan set down the pancakes and lazily slung his arms around Tommy's neck. "So," said Evan, wiggling his eyebrows and eyeing the stairs to the bedroom, "maybe we can wait on breakfast?"

Tommy was definitely no longer focused on pancakes. He smiled as Evan led him up the stairs, pausing to kiss him every few steps. They spent the rest of the morning reminding each other just how loved they were before easing sleepily into one another's arms. And if, while Evan napped, Tommy spent the afternoon browsing engagement rings, well, that was his business.

[laylawatermelon]

70.6 - 7.07 Speculation/ Buddie Meta

I am a writer y'know hehe

So, Buddie is happening.

Now let me explain.

Bi buck always existed, but the problem is that most of his consistent emotional relationship one could argue realistically romantically has been with a man he's known for years.

But has always been bi yes, but he's also been in love with his best friend for a really long time.

Friends to lovers where Y'all at? I see y'all madney truthers

Anyways I understand but what has kind of been bothering me is the fact that Buddie the ship has been abandoned/negated as not an important past of the puzzle for bi buck realization despite the fact that Eddie is physically present throughout his entire relationship/storyline.

I could argue that because they're mirrors to each other (corny soulmate type shit is perfect for network tv) this is the best way to ease people into it.

Buck and Eddie are the two beloved firefighters (and respective sex symbols). They have an appeal for the straight audience for that reason.

Lou already spoiled it but he's only here for a while.

There's been almost blatant explanations and dialogue that leads to the fact that this relationship is going to directly lead into buddie one way or another.

Tommy has from the beginning suspected that Buck (I'm calling him Evan in my head in regards to him and it's so weird 😖) and Eddie have an unusual relationship or that Buck is in love with Eddie at least.

(MY attention? is the biggest example.)

My prediction is that their mirrors of each other, the parallels, and red flags pop up too often now.

I know they're still writing the show and are likely watching audience engagement and ao3 (I'm watching you Tim ik you're here I'm new but ik you got shooters out here) for where to go with the story.

In Eddie's (frankly oddly portrayed) plotline is related to his Catholic guilt and his nonexistent relationship with Marisol (no last name?). As the episode maybe suggests they don't know their partners well enough.

Shame to Eddie because it's been months in universe like come on man. In Buck's it's literally been a few weeks, and most of the time Tommy spent with Eddie and not with him.

I like them as a couple and find them affordable. I can't quite bring myself to ship them or be as enthusiastic as others and that's okay.

I still admire the relationship they have and won't bash others for enjoying it.

Hell they still have Taylor and Buck enjoyers and maybe even Abby (i assume I haven't met any honestly).

The reason why I'm a bit confused on why Buddie isn't being all that embraced as a vital part of the storyline is because in a way it is.

I think it spurred the writers on to lean into it heavily due to the actors chemistry and portrayal of the relationship.

Now I'm not saying he wouldn't be bi regardless, because he's always been written that way.

His interactions with worm guy, a gay married couple, Carlos (who I've been waiting to say this but I can't hold myself any longer is Latino, shorter than him, brown eyes, dark hair - Eddie lite/he had a bit of a type aka cute guys.)

I clocked him flirting with him with his cute fact spilling as a way of affection because I do it to to people I love. (🤗i love my ADHD rep!) When he saw him look at the girl he became more platonic in his interactions. Then there was Eddie.

And Eddie honestly is the biggest part of the puzzle.

Yes he likes Tommy, and I don't deny he likes strong confident (suspiciously Eddie shaped 😂) guys.

He has always been attracted to strong personalities regardless of gender.

I do think he did pursue him and I think because Tommy is gay he recognized the flirting Buck does with both men and women as that, flirting.

Eddie doesn't count cause he has a whole can of worms he gotta figure out himself.

If Buck had consistent scenes with an out queer man on the show he'd have been at least clocked. (Eddie was kind of in the way with Josh and the Dispatch crew/his gaydar pinged a lil around him)

I've been saying that now that he's canonically bisexual and it's a known fact, you can't deny he's quite literally been flirting with his best friend the entire show (as a coparent??? Idk man they both said they skip steps/impatient 🤷🏾‍♀️).

When new fans watch it it's obvious, when older fans recall it it's either enlightening or redefining that relationship regardless.

The red flags that are coming up is Eddie's statement of moving too fast and Buck literally moving to fast with his second date (i assume idk how in world time works it's a tv show 🤷🏾‍♀️) being his sister's wedding.

Realistically I know you only invite people to events like that if you're fully committed to each other for a long term thing.

I'm not saying that he's on his wheel but in a way I'm tilting my head at some similarities of Tommy and his past relationships and Buck's tendencies.

Buck will be Buck.

Tommy knows him as Evan, and calls him such.

Which didn't get me wrong cute or whatever but rubs me there wrong away, because we know he prefers Buck as it's his chosen name for a reason. It's defined him and been contextualized and even accepted by his parents.

I believe in calling people the name they choose to be called and I just don't like when that's ignored.

It also doesn't help that he continues to call him that in an episode called You don't know me (you can Even tie it in to Marisol No last name) that deals with identities and lack of knowledge.

Buck has spent most of his remaining twenties with that identity and has defended it so the casualness of him calling him that unnerves me.

It's meant to close the distance and be portrayed as romantic but it can also be interpreted as him seeing Evan, not Buck when with him.

But I did see a post that changed my perspective on calling a name with love instead can recontextualize the meaning of it and I found that sweet and fitting. In that case I can swing either way about it.

If it does make him more accepting of that side of his identity that's great that he's beginning to heal from a path when his name/personhood was used as a weapon or item.

But, I also still feel a bit iffy that it's not interchangeably used with Buck because his family and everyone he knows calls him that. Even his previous romantic partners did and I didn't mind him being called it but I would like it if both names would be used as that is the new part of him where Evan exists as well.

Also narratively they spent too much time on defining his name and what it means to him and everyone around him to not show the importance of his identity being acknowledged in a new unfamiliar relationship.

(whew i think I'm just mad at the writers or this may just be on purpose who knows 🤷🏾‍♀️)

I'm getting to the meta I promise I'm just finally processing what's been plaguing me about this relationship and i gotta let the monster out

That would also explain why he doesn't know the ADHD rants that Buck blabs on about.

But then again the episode is called you don't know me and they weren't even friends he just jumped into a relationship.

(ps you can just start dating someone and learn as you go I'm just saying 🤷🏾‍♀️)

The biggest problem with their relationship is that he's in love with his best friend.

He literally only began to open up and flirt when he realized that he wasn't a romantic threat to his family.

(Which trifling Buck! Your man can't get wined and dined?? He deserves love too!/j)

He literally relaxed/his shoulders open up when Tommy assures him that his son still loves and idolizes him and that Eddie still likes him and he's irreplaceable in his life.

After that's secured he begins to make his move and become more flirtatious (cough sexually open cough) to this confident man in his kitchen in the dim lights and glowy atmosphere.

Damn I'd kiss him too 🤷🏾‍♀️ (if I was a guy ofc)

I also didn't like the parallels of Buck being left (which has happened with his female love interests) and then Buck still having to reach out.

I don't think Tommy is bad for Buck, but I'm still not convinced that he's 100% good. But then again he's been here literally a two episodes and barely any screentime.

And the one he does makes it seem like he's interested but not too invested.

(which makes sense and I will elaborate a bit later in the meta speculation)

The Tommy that everyone is talking about exists solely in fan spaces and head canon and that's why I think I can't get into it. The facts of him are plain in the show but in the fan spaces he has a different image.

Which valid, once again he's almost a blank sheet of what we wish a Buck gets and deserves in a love interest but that's what he is as of now. A blank-ish sheet. Kind of like a projection sheet for movies.

Tommy seems like a caring partner and sure of himself. He's shown himself to be funny, considerate, and as unhinged as the rest of the 118 (ah the fruity fire badasses).

Also i wanna point your Buck likes em a lil older sometimes haha

But back on topic, I can see Tommy being like Natalia (which makes sense as that storyline could've been used) In the fact that he sees that the space in his life is occupied and respectfully backs out.

My meta for 7.06 is this.

Tommy helps out somehow. Buck is ecstatic rightfully so.

They kiss dance and are cute.

The family is very welcoming, the 118 is still loving, but then he sees something that affirms his suspicions.

It's a normal scene for us.

Either Buck is taking care of Chris and then talks to Eddie.

He sees the look in Buck's eyes and the fondness there. He looks at Eddie and sees the same on his face.

He notices how they work together and laugh, them at the family and life he's built all around him, and decides he can't be apart of this. There's no space for him.

It feels too real too fast and he'll only end to heartbroken because he's just interested, not invested yet.

So he gracefully bows out and let's him know that he has enough love in his life if he'd just look for it.

(i also found out he used the word interested in the cafe scene where i recognized it as the ana date. Also Buck was wearing a white patterned shirt and i had a heart attack because it wasn't great the last time he wore it 😬)

Then it leads into ghost of a second chance.

(now imma say this i will be posting more specs about the these episodes I'm just on my buddie storyline juice rn)

This is now Buck trying to salvage/figure out what went wrong and maybe try to contact him again.

In the case of Marisol it's safe to assume they break up, the reason why isn't clear.

It could be related to his sisters disapproval of their relationship (as they're supposed to be coming out did the show forget??) or apprehension towards her as they've been raised/watched him grow up.

They know what makes him happy.

For ghost a second chance I didn't have much buddie assumptions but I'm pretty sure that one is more in relation to other members of the cast most likely and maybe Buck trying to salvage his relationship.

7.08-10 isn't complete so who knows🤷🏾‍♀️ how they must switch it up for more drama?

But I will say, we gotta dive into the Eddie of it all.

Y'all thought I forgot about him?

The bi Buck storyline isn't complete without Eddie either romantically or platonically.

In real life their queer storylines were always interchangeable and they're both feeling out the GA and fans reaction.

Buddie not going canon doesn't make sense because realistically it's one of the biggest ships and the most talked about things for the online fans.

It's a good reason many fans started (me included🙋🏾‍♀️) and stay (if the beautiful found family didn't hit it for them).

The way that they were both discussed and Ryan is fine with Buddie still kind of matches his character honestly. Demi Eddie is a head canon and honestly Eddie would only be comfortable with dating a man at this stage of his life if it's someone he loves already aka Buck.

There could be other reasons but as a Buddie warrior truther (as they named it which is still so insane) as his old interviews alluded to the fact that he loves Buck so much he can't really see himself with another guy he just met like that.

He also maybe wanted a easier storyline as he had always been a bit of a heavy character.

For women it's easier as he's raised to do it and it's "natural" or right for him to do so.

His parents said it, the church says it, God says it so it must be right.

He loves commitment, has said he's a nester and constantly yearns for a family unit.

The only family unit he knows of it feels is acceptable due to his upbringing is man, woman, child.

Not that he's homophobic cause duh, HenRen is literally there, but his standards and pressure doesn't even let him fathom it for himself.

It's also likely if the demi part is true, he's highly unlikely to be like Buck and view others sexually and even realize he's able to have a family/relationship with a man.

I suspect no Buddie this season. I actually hope and pray for it.

Because from both a business and story point it's best to keep the will-they won't-they into season 8 to keep viewers engaged/tuning in and not to rush the story and get some really good emotional moments.

I won't lie I miss the angst we got in the other seasons and as a result the show's identity with Eddie has faltered a bit.

I didn't love episode 5 but I didn't hate it. I still enjoy the show and if they feel a bit unusual it's okay.

There were still some great moments in it.

Eddie's character is now happy but as a result he's also somewhat unfamiliar (that speaks to the whump heavy storylines he has) as he seems less mature. You can argue now that he has a stable support system he's able to let loose because he knows his needs will be covered.

That's also a great point and easy way of showing his development.

His Catholic guilt now that it's been introduced will have to be deconstructed as he will have to redefine his life, what he's looking for/allow himself to be and dare to dream of a life not given to him by someone else or pressure.

This season he's only just started to accept things that make him feel good (which for now is Marisol) and be open and honest about it.

I can argue it is a great sign of improvement of his character.

A bit ooc portrayal yes, but the message of looking deeper still applies.

This can apply to Buddie probably leading through the next half of season 7 by being ramped up and then going full speed ahead season 8.

At the time though since they're still writing they may take a hard right turn and keep it platonic (😭).

But what would be inevitable is Eddie's coming out/self discovery arc that isn't tied to the church or sense of duty.

Which yay! More self discovery I love the message of finding yourself lasts throughout your life and due to life's unexpected events you can change to be a better version of yourself all the time.

We got bi buck (which evidently was influenced by Eddie in some way) now let's free Eddie to even if they didn't do it for Buddie (once again😭😭😭).

Now that I've got it mostly off my chest I'm definitely gonna do an analysis of the parallels and the way it's played pt.2 (and more as seasons passed cause Ryan and Oliver 😘 muah 10/10 no notes).

Okay bye.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for finally telling the truth?

I (26 M) work as the editor of a local paper. The owner (40 M) is basically useless and also has a bit of a short temper, so I have to both run everything and try to meditate between him and the rest of the staff. I'm also being paid just enough to get by but, you know, we're struggling. I'm willing to do what I can to keep us afloat.

A few weeks ago, my best friend (27 M) tried pitching a story to our boss that he and his twin sister (27 F) wrote together. However, it was fiction and the owner wasn't happy about that-- he ripped up my friend's notebook and even fired him, despite my best efforts. I was able to gather up the remains of my friend's notebook and returned them to him, and asked about the story, since I saw the first few lines and thought it looked promising.

They told me the story, and it was amazing. It was written as if they were journal entries by a famous astronomer (27 M) claiming to have discovered life on the moon-- pretty fantastical stuff, but if you didn't know the truth it would honestly seem believable. They wanted me to sneak the story into the paper but I was hesitant. Not only would I be lying to hundreds of people, but I'd be the one taking a risk here-- my best friend was already fired, and he and his sister have a secondary source of income, while the paper is pretty much all I have. They convinced me to print it anyway, saying that the astronomer is literally on the other side of the world and the paper could fold at any minute anyway, so I did it.

The story exploded-- everyone believed it, and we sold more copies of that issue than we had the whole of the previous year. The owner was initially furious, but once he realized how much money this would make him he was suddenly fine with it. He even hired my best friend back, since he had future "journal entries" already written.

Then things started going downhill. I found out my best friend was given a raise, and I wasn't, even though I was working just as much if not more than before. I brought this up to my boss, and he said that I had betrayed him by printing the story, and that he can't reward someone he can't trust-- but it was only because of me that we printed the story that lead to him reaping the rewards!

To make things worse, I never even get to talk to my friend and his sister outside of matters relating to getting the next article printed. There are so many people who want to meet and talk with them, they've even became close friends with this very rich and influential local figure (27 F) and while I'm happy for them, I wish they would at least make a bit of time for me.

Last night things came to a head. My friend's sister and I were preparing the next article, and I left the room for a few minutes. When I came back, the astronomer we were lying about was there, unconscious. Apparently he came all the way across the world to demand an explanation, and my friend's sister panicked and knocked him out. If that wasn't bad enough, she then decided we needed to bring him to MY apartment until she figures out what to do next. He's in my spare bedroom right now.

This has all gotten so out of control. I never asked to get wrapped up in something like this, I was just trying to help my friends and save our jobs. Now so many people are believing a bunch of lies that we attributed to a man I just helped assault and kidnap! And through everything, everyone else seems to be doing better while I just keep doing worse-- I feel like I've been used and left behind.

This is where I'm wondering if I'm the asshole or not. After the first article was published, I was approached by someone who works for our main competitor, and he offered me money to expose the story as a hoax, a lot of money. I turned him down at the time, but after last night, I contacted him and said I was willing to prove it was fake if he was still willing to pay. He'll be here soon, and I'm going to tell him everything.

I know that this would be terrible for the reputations of my friend and his sister, and the paper I work for will definitely go under. But I'm tired of lying to people, and I feel guilty for that and everything we've done to the astronomer; we'll have damaged his reputation as well, not to mention how he quite possibly has a brain injury now. And, frankly, I'm tired of putting in all this effort and getting nothing in return. The truth will come out eventually, would it really be so bad if it came out just a little sooner and I could have a bit of financial stability because of it?

So, am I the asshole?

[pardonmydelays]

so it's been a few days since you saw waitress, what are your initial thoughts?

thank you so much for reminding me and sorry for being quiet about it for so long, i've been meaning to write this mini essay but i really needed to take a deep breath & collect my thoughts first. so...

sugar, butter, flour... (it's been ringing in my head for days)

i honestly didn't really know what to expect when i started watching it. i knew a little bit about the plot, not that much tho, & i knew who wrote the music for it, the rest was a mystery to me.

i always say the best musicals are the ones that make you cry & this was definitely one of those. it made me feel... so many things at once. so first of all, i think the proshot was absolutely beautiful & i wish we could see more musicals this way. second of all: the characters! all of them so incredibly written & so real!

ok, i am really trying not to be chaotic here, but it's not easy (i've cried multiple times while watching it, ok???). jenna's story completely broke my heart. also, as a person who ended a very toxic relationship not that long ago, i must say i could feel her pain & struggle even more (earl reminded me of my ex so much it hurts, but we are not going there). but she wasn't the only relatable character here, this may be surprising for you, but i literally had a mental breakdown on "when he sees me" cause i found a little bit of myself there (wow, i've got issues)... another song worth mentioning is definitely "she used to be mine" (that was the moment i had to stop watching for a second cause my eyes were so full of tears i couldn't see anything lol). and don't even get me started on "you matter to me"... especially when you think about the ending...

the ending was really surprising for me, but not in a bad way i guess? as much as i wanted a happy ending for jenna, i didn't want it to be all perfect cause that's the thing about life, right? it's never perfect. but she did found herself & her happiness eventually & to be completely honest with you anon, i love a good story that shows us we can be happy without men (even tho it broke my heart a little bit). also, she wasn't left alone. she had amazing friends (another thing that always makes me cry because friendships are so important to me & they are always my favourite part of the plot) & her little daughter! & her own place! & omg i think i'm gonna start crying again...

so, like, you know. i will probably rewatch it pretty soon, i'm also gonna listen to the soundtrack more cause my thoughts are really chaotic at the moment, but overall i think this is such a great musical, definitely one of the best i've seen so far and i am dying to see it live! the choreography was absolutely incredible, the whole cast was amazing, the music was really, really good and the plot made me cry like a baby. this is all you need to know. i loved it so much!!!

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part three)

This is my favorite part of this whole thing. I haven't written it yet, that's literally the opening line, but here I'll be talking about one of the most interesting (to me) aspects of Ivan's character: how the other characters perceive him; I already know I'll be having a blast writing this. Internal vs external perception is probably my favorite topic when it comes to character study, so I was thinking of doing something similar for Dmitri as well in the future because I noticed some things that I want to talk about. I'll think about it.

For once I don't have to make an introduction where I explain what I'll be going over in this because there's none to be made, so let's start from the beginning. The first time we see Ivan is when they're all waiting for Dmitri at the beginning of the book, and what does he do? He takes the piss out of everyone, of course. And I think that in everything that happens there and in the following passages (I was particularly struck by Father Zosima's words about him, which I've already mentioned in here) we pretty much have the key to Ivan's character, and he doesn't even give it to us himself (very fitting indeed). The first thing we find out is that Alyosha is afraid Ivan will be condescending towards the monks and while Ivan technically isn't, he still adopts a subtly mocking tone with them, which checks out considering that Miusov says Ivan feigns arrogance to mask his own insecurity. Also it's very telling that Ivan's demeanor changes when it comes to Zosima, I feel like he actually does respect him and to some extent appreciates his words. Funnily enough I've found myself in a similar situation in the past (atheist surrounded by nuns, my family was there, they told me some things I appreciated; I wasn't making fun of anyone though I swear) so I get it.

Speaking of words, there are many used for him in those chapters, and there are even more as the novel goes on, brushstroke after brushstroke painting a rather confusing and contradictory picture of this young man: he's bright yet insecure and "a tomb", he's weird and a misunderstood outcast in his own family yet he's charming (said by multiple characters in multiple occasions, I think it's the word that's used the most to describe him) and refined, yet again eccentric. He's paradoxical and a riddle (another word used multiple times), and his own father fears him more than he fears the son who almost beat him to death and at first I couldn't understand why, considering everyone else's opinion of Ivan and the fact that Ivan actually helped get Dmitri off of their father when he was beating him, but then I went back to Book Two and stumbled upon a line that managed to completely go over my head in the past (how could that happen? God, the horror!) that does explain a lot and looking back now, to me feels like one of the most important lines (about Ivan) of the whole novel:

What seemed to [Aleksej] strangest of all was that his brother Ivan, [...] who alone had such influence on his father that he could have stopped him [...]

I don't think I need to explain why I think this line (that you can find in The old buffoon for context) is crucial so I won't say much about it, but it also explains why Ivan's presence in the Karamazov household is seen as a guarantee for quiet and order (as stated during Dmitri's trial, and we also see it in the fact that both Dmitri and Pavel had in mind to murder Fyodor only if Ivan had been out of the picture, though for different reasons), and honestly it surprised me: I mean, Ivan's influence over other people plays a very important role in the story, but him having influence over his father? Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov? Wow. Also I have something else to say about the quiet and order thing but it belongs in part four.

The rest of that line is also interesting in my opinion:

[...] [Ivan] sat now quite unmoved, with downcast eyes, apparently waiting with interest to see how it would end, as though he had nothing to do with it.

This, maybe trivial, line never really left my head, which means it must mean something to me. Maybe because that behaviour fits Ivan's character so well and I always like when he gets to act like a normal, unbothered, and even childish at times, twenty-three year old (he's not even angry there, what a rare occurrence) and because according to how the other characters speak of him, it feels unexpected (and turned out to be useful for this post).

Back to how others speak of him, someone (Fyodor I think) goes as far as saying that maybe Ivan deliberately seeks torment, which honestly feels a little too familiar to me and that's why that's another line I can't seem to get out of my head; when people have such a high opinion of you they do tend to blame your own struggle on you, at least in my experience, as it's their only way of rationalizing it. You should be better than that, you should be smarter than that. But you're not, so maybe you actually want it; why would such a brilliant person be like that otherwise? You're not allowed to be "weak" and I think Ivan is a perfect example of this as he has internalized this concept, but I'll go over it in part four.

But what does all this have to do with bipolar disorder? I'm getting there, but you'll have to bear with me because this whole thing gets quite intricated at this point and I have to be as clear as I can (and I can't, ever), so let's take a seemingly nonsensical step back to see the bigger picture.

None of the brothers are stupid: Dmitri is naive, impulsive and uneducated, sure, but the narrator does describe him as a fairly intelligent man in spite of it, Pavel was basically a child prodigy and a very smart young adult (and maybe I should talk about it sometime because everyone in the novel considers him to be capable but stupid and there's only one person who explicitly recognizes his intelligence in a genuine way apart from the narrator, guess who), and Aleksej, while also uneducated, isn't stupid either. But there is a particular emphasis put on Ivan's intelligence and it's hard to find a paragraph where he is present or where someone else is talking about him that doesn't mention it. Ivan is bright, Ivan is educated, Ivan is an academic. It's pretty much the first thing the other characters think of when thinking about him, it's almost some sort of morbid fixation. And it's not a positive thing either as it does nothing but feed into his insecurities and Pavel even uses it against him by telling him how intelligent he is over and over until he officially loses it. Ivan is smart to the point of being charming and admired, but that turns out to be a double-edged sword (of course) because everyone puts him on a pedestral and higher the pedestral, deadlier the fall, as we see in the second half of the novel. In my opinion the only one who seems to view him as a human being and not as some sort of ghost or higher, detached entity (apart from Zosima) is Alyosha; Dmitri considers Ivan to be better than everyone else including himself, Smerdyakov is...well, Smerdyakov, his father's attitude towards him is basically I don't understand what's up with him and I don't really care (in addition to what I said a few paragraphs ago) and even Katya is charmed by him more than she loves him, at least at first. Everyone else doesn't even really know him and that's partially his own fault, but I can't blame him.

Why do I consider this bipolar coding? To make it short, intelligent people are often considered charismatic and many psychiatric studies suggest that there's a link between bipolar disorder and high intelligence (which to me personally kind of feels like a consolation prize, like nature saying hey, you'll hate being alive but at least you're not an idiot!, thanks a lot I guess) and it's also worth mentioning that bipolar disorder is linked to creativity as well since Ivan has come up with multiple poems over the years, which means he must be a creative person to a certain degree. I haven't been citing my sources because this is not an academic paper and I'm just some guy on Tumblr who doesn't even study psychiatry and just happens to be basically cursed, but there's a book about this topic that I want to mention: Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by American psychiatrist Kay Redfield Jamison; I've also read her (very relatable) autobiography and I'm a big fan of hers since she knows what she's talking about even more than the average psychiatrist because she has bipolar disorder herself. For anecdotal evidence, I keep a mental list of historical figures and artists (including contemporaries/celebrities who are still alive) diagnosed with bipolar disorder (so if you ever want to know if someone has/had it hit me up I guess) that I won't include here for obvious reasons, but let me just say that the doctors who did the aforementioned studies do seem to have a point (and I'm an artist myself). I want to make clear that I'm not trying to play into the overused, boring, inaccurate, and generally uncomfortable (for me at least) mentally ill tormented genius trope/stereotype and that it's obviously not what Dostoevsky was going for either; it's just that I've personally had people fixate on my intellect my whole life (not to mention the general weird fascination the average person has for mental illness and mentally ill people as well) and seeing Ivan go through that same experience combined with the studies I just mentioned made this association inevitable for me. Also people seem to find you more fun and charming when you're manic/hypomanic (only when you're the "right" kind of manic/hypomanic of course, when you're experiencing dysphoric mania/hypomania people just become ableist because that's the "wrong" kind of mania/hypomania, duh) which is...uhm...I don't really know how to feel about it honestly, but it's a fact so I'm mentioning it.

But what came first, Ivan's self-isolation or people's misunderstanding of him as a person? Is it the former that caused the latter or the other way around? To me this feels like having to talk about the good old chicken and egg dilemma and I still haven't figured it out in relation to myself, so I guess this will remain unanswered for now (or forever). But what I do know is that bipolar disorder is a lonely experience, no matter how hard someone tries to not make it lonely; people just don't get it even if you explain yourself a thousand times over and over. It doesn't mean you don't have relationships with others, it just means you know you have to keep some things to yourself sometimes and you get used to it, which seems to be Ivan's case too; to me the best example of it is when he's just about to tell Alyosha about the devil but stops himself from doing so and decides to push him away instead. In my opinion it's also connected to his inability to show "weakness" that I already mentioned and that is often one of the core experiences of living with bipolar disorder, but I won't go over that now. I'll just say the problem when it comes to Ivan is that everyone (the readers, the other characters, even himself) gets tangled in a net of performance; living with bipolar disorder feels like having to constantly keep up a certain kind of act (that I wouldn't even know how to explain) in front of others due to the stigma, and I'm pretty sure that's the case with every neurodivergence and invisible disability (bipolar disorder is in fact a disability and I'm legally disabled, that's why I mentioned ableism earlier). Ivan knows what people think and expect of him (we've seen it in his first real interaction with Alyosha and I've already talked about it in part two) and we see few moments when he goes mask off, and apart from those moments his facial expressions are always described as being forced or "off" in some other way. One thing that struck me is the significant contrast between what Mrs. Khokhlakova in particular says about him and how we actually see him behave when he doesn't bother with his forced coldness and collectedness (usually by himself or around his family): she talks about how refined and chivalrious he is multiple times because that's the side of him she sees (and almost everyone else sees), yet he's the character who swears the most (I don't know if "swearing" is the right term as in the novel there are no actual curse words in the modern sense but he doesn't really speak kindly does he); his language is even worse than Dmitri's. I'm not saying that being polite in public/formal settings and swearing like a sailor in private/informal settings is something unusual because I'm also like that (as I'm afraid you might have noticed, sorry for all the swearing!), I just wanted to point that out because to me it seems important in general and relevant for this post.

This doesn't mean I think of Ivan as a fake person because I would have to have that same opinion of myself and I don't, it's quite hard to explain if you haven't lived the bipolar experience first-hand or don't really know what masking is and I hope you'll understand what I'm trying to say here; it's just that he hides and polishes some parts of himself due to a combination of childhood emotional neglect, mental illness, and a personality that's difficult on its own (but really, when you have a disorder like this one it's quite hard to tell what's personality and what's mental illness, especially because at times they're one and the same; it shapes you and sometimes you can't even do anything about it and to me it's no surprise Ivan's sense of self is as warped as it is), all factors that contribute to his partially self-inflicted isolation. I mean, he does say himself to Alyosha that at first he kept him at a distance on purpose and you can also find a glimpse of that in his own philosophy: he openly says that he loves humanity but dislikes humans. He can only show affection from afar and I think that also reflects in the situation with Pavel and in Ivan's own guilt: I don't think Ivan lacks empathy (quite the opposite), he just doesn't have the tools to do anything with it. Could he really have done something? He says he would have if Pavel had explicitly told him to stay in their father's house (here the conversation shifts on the physical aspect of things as Ivan now feels guilty for also being physically distant from his family and not only emotionally), but Ivan's words are never really reliable. How can we expect someone who's incapable of getting close to people to help them? Even when trying to help Dmitri escape prison he's still rough with him. There's a reason why his thing with Katya is a mess as well and he refuses to admit that he loves her (he even says to Alyosha that he doesn't like her and he's with her only to prevent a catastrophe at Mitya's trial, which are later stated to be lies by the narrator): he always tries to convert his feelings into reason, otherwise his whole façade crumbles.

I also want to mention Ippolit Kirillovič's words about him at the trial because they seem very important to me, but only very briefly because first, many things he says have already been talked about in my other posts and second, it seems a little unfair to leave the other members of the family out because Ippolit Kirillovič says many interesting things about all of them; maybe I'll make a post about that in the future. Basically, Ippolit Kirillovič doesn't particularly like Ivan because he got the better of him in a couple public arguments they had in the past (very funny to me by the way), but he still prefaces his criticism of him by talking about his positive qualities (once again, his vigorous intellect and brilliant education) and saying he was welcome in their community (but not in the same way Dmitri was). This is yet another case of me not knowing where I'm going with this, but this particular instance stood out to me so it was worth mentioning; I think it summarizes the other characters' attitude towards Ivan quite well, but I can't really explain it.

Another thing that I noticed is that no one ever calls him by a nickname, not even Alyosha. I wrote a post about the use of names and nicknames in The Brothers Karamazov months ago but I hated the way it turned out because I felt like I wasn't making any sense so I decided to throw the whole thing away and I don't even know if I should try writing it again. Anyway, it's very interesting to me that pretty much everyone is referred to by a nickname (even Rakitin of all people) except for Ivan; not even Alyosha calls him anything other than his name (and if I remember correctly not even Katya, who talks to Ivan using the informal you, does). Actually, there are a couple instances where this does happen and that drives me even more insane because the first one happens at the beginning of the novel, when his father calls him Vanya a few times only to never do it again (and honestly Ivan didn't seem to like that either), and the second one is Rakitin mockingly referring to him as Vanechka when talking about him to Aleksej (because of course he'd never call Ivan that to his face and I also have a feeling he'd get decked if he tried). I don't really know where I'm going with this (again) but I wanted to throw it in anyway because it always stood out to me considering the only main characters that are never referred to like that are Fyodor, Ivan, and Smerdyakov and well, there seem to be implications here. In the aforementioned deleted post I wrote about this topic I mentioned sense of belonging (Mitya belongs there after all) and affection/connection (everyone loves Alyosha) in opposition to being excluded (Smerdyakov is not a legitimate son) and being unable to connect with others (Ivan is an outcast due to the multiple reasons I went over in the previous paragraphs). Maybe I really should try writing it again.

Well, I think I'm done for now. I found it a little hard to separate the themes of part three from the ones of part four, because the latter will focus on Ivan's self-perception (among what happens from Book Eleven to the epilogue and other, more "medical", things) but we see how he perceives himself through the devil but the devil is not an actual real person in the book so I couldn't really include that here and in my mind the themes of these two parts kind of blended together so I had to to figure out where to break them apart.

This took longer than usual (which bothers me but oh well) because I had to take a break from pretty much everything (which is why lately many posts have been queued) for a while due to the February-March period always being whacky for me bipolar-wise, mostly because of the seasonal change (something that plays a huge role in this shitshow of a disorder and something I'll go over in part four because surprise surprise) that always makes me mentally and physically tired. All of this, which can be summarized with bipolar disorder bipolar disordering, to say that I hope this part isn't as messy as it seems to me and that I hope you can't tell I wrote it during a time I wasn't getting enough sleep (I swear I did my best given the circumstances), and if I "disappear" or interact less from time to time it's usually because of this kind of stuff. I'm still not getting enough sleep by the way so I might take a break from serious posts again, I love that daylight savings time happens during one of the worst seasonal changes of the whole year for me every year and it doesn't mess with my disorder at all.

It sure didn't help that I chose to make part three more complicated than the others thinking it wouldn't go in a completely different direction than I had originally planned and wouldn't therefore have to reorganize my thoughts during a period I simply couldn't do so; I will obviously be punished for my hubris. But until then I'll be working on part four (and some other unfinished stuff I have in my drafts and have no idea when I'll post), which will be the last part of my bipolar Ivan Karamazov essay.

[calamitoustide]

writer interview game

thanks for the tag @messrsrarchives @inevitablestars @angel-daydreams

how many works do you have on ao3?

74? which is fucking crazy what the fuck who let me do that but only 64 of them are currently up on ao3

what's your total ao3 word count?

1,574,345 somehow

your top 5 stories by kudos?

Teach Them How To Dream It Was Rare I Was There I Remember It Absent Mindedly Making Me Want You Dear Reader You Don't Have To Save Me (But Would You Run Away With Me)

do you respond to comments?

I certainly try but I do go through times where I don't respond to like any of them but recently I've been better at it!

what's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

uh I'm gonna go with like multi-chapter fics because I've written so many one shots where james dies so we don't have to get into all that but also i'm a baby so I think the most angsty ending is Stars Will Fall? Reg is dead... or it could be Anyway Don't Be Stranger because jeg are broken up and aren't getting back together... but also A Stranger in The Alps is also pretty angsty but also not like jeg never got to be together in that life but also they didn't get to date in Stars Will Fall either

okay I'm going with Stars Will Fall that's my final answer!

do you write crossovers?

No, and I probably will never but you never know I guess

have you ever received hate on a fic?

A few times yeah I had someone comment on one of my fics saying how they hated it but they finished it? for some reason. Mainly right now the only hate I receive on fics is how I characterize Sirius.

do you write smut?

I did for a time but not anymore it's boring for me to write I'll read it but it takes forever for me to write and it is not meant for me. It was a time while I was writing it though...

have you ever had a fic stolen?

I haven't been like plagiarized but someone put teach them how to dream on wattpad once without my permission uh and I think that's it? from what I know.

have you ever had a fic translated?

I think I did once but I don't think the person ever finished it so I don't think it's up anymore, but at some point absent mindedly was being translated.

have you ever co-written a fic before?

i've successfully co-written one fic and by successful i mean it's on ao3 here but I haven't written my chapter in months and I've unsuccessfully co-written one too that went up in flames so i think I'm gonna stick to not writing anymore

what's your all-time favorite ship?

jegulus i do not care about anything else i don't care you can throw any ship at me jegulus is better

what's a wip that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

the history fic I loved the idea but I don't think it'll ever be done like I'd have to redo the whole thing that I have like 50k of it written and the idea of having to redo all of that is awful so I really don't think I'll ever finish it it would also be really really long and I don't think I have the ability to get it done the way I want so alas it was not meant to be i fear

what are your writing strengths?

Metaphors? Does that count. I love myself a good metaphor and I think I'm good with hurting people with them. I like using them as a way to foreshadow too.

what are your writing weaknesses?

Describing anything other than emotion like if you tell me to describe a room or outfit i'm sorry it's not gonna happen. Which is weird because when I write I see everything like it was a movie but I literally can't describe it you have to teleport in my head and you'll see it.

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think it's fun but also I feel like every time I do it I do it wrong (i did in in tthtd and i got so many comments about how it was wrong lmao) so I stick with Reg calling Harry mon cheri and that's pretty much it.

what's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

I mean I think I've got my ships I have jeg I have moonchaser i even did rosestarkillerchaser like I have my guys and I've written arcane which I wanted to do but I don't like any other ships in that enough to write them. I have this idea to write for lilylene? so maybe that's it but I don't know I'd be content just to write jeg forever and nothing else.

what's your favorite fic you've ever written?

It's so hard I don't know I feel like my go to is Dear Reader that's my baby girl I love her but also the road trip fic is up there too I love the both of them they are my children and I can't pick so both! I dont' care I make the rules. Those are the ones I'm always rereading somewhat the rest I could take or leave but not those two.

tagging... honestly i don't know who did it or not this has been around for a while so I'm sorry if you've already been tagged or did it but @ephemeralstarss @starsworth @ultravioletbrit @rabidlittlestrawberry @static-radio-ao3

[choccy-milky]

Hey! I have been following you for a minute and I must say, I’m so in love with both story and art chiefs kiss 😚🤌❤️ I can’t wait to see more from you and that creative mind of yours

I wanted to ask, where did you learn how to write? Do you possibly have any advice/tips that you could share?You’ve honestly inspired me to create my own story with my own character but I get pretty overwhelmed when looking at the blank page lol. Like I know what the general idea is that I want to write but I don’t know how to write out the journey from point A to point B if that makes sense 😅

your ask inspired me to go back to my old naruto fanfic from 2011 and pick out some winners. as you can see, i didnt start off as an amazing writer or anything LMAOO. i've always read a LOT ever since i was a kid though, and just like with art, you just kinda learn and get better by doing over and over, and reading and absorbing others writing. (and also thank you!! im happy you enjoy both my art and my fic!!💖😭) but more specifically, like how i think of how i'll fill the page and get from point A to point B...i also dunno? LOL. ive always made comics ever since i was young/made stories in my head, and my whole drive when i write fanfic or even draw fanart is hyperfixation LMAO, so there's something inside of me that's just bursting to get out and i don't even really have to think about it. though i will say, as someone writing a longfic, that hyperfixation can only carry me so far and i HAVE had to stare at a blank word doc and think about how i might get from point A to point B. but honestly something that's helpful is to know which scenes you absolutely WANT/your inspiration for writing the fic/story in the first place, and then try to build off of those scenes. think of what might have led up to them/what you can do to PREVENT them from getting there, to add more sustenance/drama/etc. also, writing advice i saw a while ago that i always think about is 'how can this get any worse?' LOL. so like, if you think the scene is fine and you've added enough events, just for fun, continue to think....ok, but what ELSE could possibly go wrong? its really helped me to flesh out scenes that, in retrospect, would have been way too short and to-the-point otherwise. but again with fanfic, at least for me, a lot of it is just self indulgent/comes down to what *I* want to see bahaha. im my own biggest fan LMAO. everything in my longfic is exactly what *I* like, with all the dynamics *i* enjoy, literally written BY me and FOR me, first and foremost LOL. so maybe start there. just think of all the tropes you like/things you've enjoyed in other media, and think about how you can repurpose them into your own story and setting in an original way! that was super long LMFAO but i hope it may have helped, and ty again for the nice words😭 happy you enjoy what im doing!!💖💖

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Hey 🥺 I'm finally coming here 😩 I've read Just friends so many times it marked a before and after in my life LETMME tell you that you're the greatest writer ever ?? This Yandere Konig just will live with me forever and I will cherish him forever😩 I'm literally the lyric ,"my old man is a thief and I'm gonna stay with him till the end" (I'm sorry I'm a Lana del Rey enthusiastic)

Girl I can't STOP stressing the fact that that fanfic is life-changing hell, even now that I'm talking bout it I want to read it again (I wish I could read it for the first time again 😩) like just thank you thank you for making so many incredible written masterpieces caUSE IM READING also the ghost bodyguard and im LIVING for it ok?? My ass was shaking with the las update fucking mind-blowing and PERFECT.

So returning to my man König, you know I'm Hispanic (you didn't know but hey I'm Hispanic) and I would like really want to know how would König react or behave having a darling that is Hispanic (? (This is pure self indulgence, like I want to fucking put myself there) I mean, I don't want to appropriate any stereotypes but when sometimes can be a lot and we donate pretty different from everyone else(? So idk I just like would like to know kajsosib

Thank you again for making so many good content I told you before and I tell you know you're my cult leader 🙏

Hey babe you're too sweet! I can't believe my crazy story and crazy interpretation of König has had such an impact 🩷💕😭 Thank you for telling me, I'm just so glad that we can all buzz about this hot, insane man! And cult leader!? Haha omg this sounds dangerous (I love it, let's gather the whole toxic König crew and go to Austria together and build a shrine for this man, we can share headcanons thrice a day, dinner is served right after the compulsory fanfic writing workshop)

As for your ask, I'm sorry, I don't think I know enough about Hispanic culture to go too deep into detail & I wish to tread very carefully with stereotypes too, I hope this take is ok 🩷😘

The way I see it, there's two ways this thing would go….

An emotional, lively, feminine woman who has strong family values would be a dream come true for König. If you identify with the concept of marianismo at all, if you're loving and loyal and want to support your husband-to-be (König won't settle being just your 'boyfriend'), want to get married too and embrace your femininity while he gets to be The Man, your provider and protector, well, damn. This guy is on his knees! König will worship you, return your support and love tenfold, hundredfold. It will be the love story of a lifetime (and a story of traditional gender roles too but König would only view it as romantic 🩷)

But if you're "a lot", perhaps more outgoing than König thinks is appropriate, if you don't give a shit about his Ordnung muss sein-mentality and laugh at his attempts to cage you…? Sorry but you'll drive the poor man crazy!

He needs to possess protect you, which means your "temper" is a weed in the garden of your love. It needs to be pulled out, and you need to be tamed. König will go out of his mind as he tries to both please your every wish and try to put you on a leash. Lots of arguments ensue as you try to explain to this man that he's overreacting (and König is like Was?? He's not overreacting or hysterical, you're hysterical), lots of passionate reconciliation sex follows as he tries to prove you that you're his and his alone and no other man is allowed to even look at you.

So please don't torture him too much ❤️, he's not used to women's company and has a lot of suppressed energy and emotion, he just wants to take care of you and be the head of the house (and that you two worship each other 24/7 and carry each other's blood in small little vials or something omg)

[novemberhope]

So... I did try to get the start of Niara's journey written. In the project Niara originally appeared in, she is part of Ace's crew but in cannon... she might start her journey with Ace and I can see those two having sibling/friendship vibes but in cannon I think at some point Niara's story would lead her down a different path since she's going to meet Law. (Which also leaves open several possibilities of Niara rushing to Marineford to save Ace or having a hard time later on and so on - I'm trying to avoid spoilers so I'm being vage on purpose) Anyway, I tried to find a start to Niara's story and... here it is.

English is not my first language so please excuse my mistakes...

Niara was sitting on a barstool in a rundown bar, chatting with the barkeeper, a stern-looking, broad-shouldered woman in her fifties. "You shouldn't be here, girl," the lady said, shaking her head. "You should be out there doing your actual job. Instead, you come here almost every other day to go on my nerves." "You'd be bored without me," Niara grinned, looking around the almost empty room. This place, with its dirty windows and mismatched old furniture, located far off in a dark, hidden side alley, was the perfect spot to never be found by her colleagues, so after Niara had stumbled in here by accident the first time, she'd been returning several times a week after that. She didn't mind the gruff barkeeper at all. In fact, she enjoyed talking with the woman. "Like hell," the older woman grumbled. "I don't know why you keep coming here. I'm not gonna serve you alcohol during the day." "That's not what I want," Niara replied while rolling her eyes. They had been over this countless times. "I just like it here… and nobody I know ever comes here, so that's an added bonus." "You mean those fancy marine cadets are too busy doing their actual job to come in here?" The woman snorted. "You should be doing your job too, young lady. Or look for a new one. Can't believe nobody noticed you sneaking off every other day."

"I'm supposed to check cargo at the harbor all week and I'm bored to death already," Niara said with a shrug. "I told those two losers who I'm supposed to be working with that I've been ordered to do something else. If you've got enough family up in the higher marine ranks, they don't question you. Ever." "You can't pull this off forever. You don't like your job, quit and find something new. Or power through it like most people do." "My whole family is a marine family," Niara sighed. "Even my mother was, before she got sick. It's not that easy. Walking away for just another job I don't care about… that's not worth it. Now… if I could actually do what I wanted, then…" "Not one of your pirate stories again." The barkeeper rolled her eyes. "That's a child's dream and you better grow up fast." "Says the lady who owns a bar frequented by pirates," Niara giggled. She didn't feel brushed off by the barkeeper's rough attitude. She just kept on talking because finally, someone cared to listen.

"I wouldn't know if my customers are marines or pirates," the lady replied, slamming her big hands down on the bar counter. "They don't come in here announcing their profession and I know better than asking. As long as they pay for their drinks and don't make trouble, I don't care. And you better not keep running around, telling people this is a pirate bar. On an island with a marine base on it, the word pirate is better not spoken too loudly." Niara looked around. The only other person currently present was some guy at one of the tables who was literally leaning back on his chair, his head thrown back, the hat pulled over his face, sleeping soundly. Or at least that's what it looked like. "Don't worry, I'm not going to give away my hiding spot to my superiors, I'm not that dumb," she said. "As long as I can spend some hours here instead of being under constant supervision with one million rules, I'm good." "You should be under supervision," the barkeeper scoffed. "Pirates! They'd eat someone like you alive." "I can take care of myself," she muttered. After all, her father had made sure all of this children got devil fruit ability to help them climb the marine ranks faster. And her much older siblings all had made names for themselves and were steadily climbing the ranks. Niara, however, had been born much later and had spend the majority of her young life caring for her sick mother. That was one reason for why she had been allowed to enjoy so much freedom without her father watching her every step and making sure she was growing up to become a marine, like he had done with her siblings.

"Pirate's are dangerous," the barkeeper warned her. "I don't know where you got your crazy ideas from, but out there at sea, they're not your fun-loving drinking buddies. They slaughter each other. They slaughter your family members, too. They're out for blood." "Some are," Niara agreed. She wasn't stupid. She grew up with her family's hatred for pirates and with a strong sense of justice being drilled into her from an early age. But she had heard other stories too. And those were the stories she was fascinated with, the adventures she dreamed of, the freedom she longed for. "They all are, one way or another." "They're also families," Niara protested. "Those crews that would go to hell and back for each other, who would go to the end of the world to save their crewmates, who you can laugh and cry with and have amazing adventures with while sailing on the endless blue sea - that's where I want to belong to. I mean… freedom, adventures, family, there's nothing better than that, right?" "There are many things better than that, like a good income and a decent family whose pictures you can't find on wanted posters." The barkeeper rolled her eyes and wiped down the countertop with a clean cloth. "Get yourself together, girl. Those are a child's dreams."

Yes, a child whose much older siblings never gave her the time of day and barely ever showed up at home to see how she was doing. A child whose father was gone with his precious marine family for months on end, leaving said child to struggle to take care of a very sick mother. A child whose only escape was playing make-believe with her village friends and who had watched those friends grow and change and live lives of their own while she was left behind with nothing but dreams that would never come true and a future as a marine she actually dreaded. "Maybe so," she sighed. "But if I can't hold on to them anymore, what do I have left?" "A well paying job if you only ever would care to actually do it, for instance." "Yes, one with so many rules and regulations that I keep getting yelled at for constantly forgetting half of them and people who keep telling me to get my shit together because me being me is just bringing shame to my father's great legacy…" Niara rolled her eyes. It wasn't that she didn't love her family. But even as a child she had always felt like there were worlds between them. And now, without her mother keeping them close, they were drifting apart more and more. "Perhaps you need to work harder then," the barkeeper said, grabbing Niara's glass and firmly putting it away. "Because hiding here is not doing you any good. And believe me, real pirates eat girls like you for breakfast. It's time you move on and grow up, girl." Suddenly Niara felt tired. She knew the brash woman only was looking out for her and she knew that a lot of pirates were simply not good people. But there were other crews out there - and if only… "Perhaps I should go and pretend I have spend all day checking cargo," she muttered while slipping off her barstool. "Try to do actual cargo checking tomorrow," the barkeeper advised.

Rolling her eyes, Niara said her goodbyes and quickly left the bar. The street was dark and dirty and the people hanging around here were not looking too friendly. But Niara wasn't overly worried. She had a devil fruit ability and she also wasn't in marine uniform either. At this time of the day, the people around here weren't that drunk yet, so the chances of getting out of that area safely were pretty high. Behind her, the door opened and the guy that had been sleeping in his chair was walking out, pulling his hat down so his face was hidden. This, too, wasn't unusual behavior around these parts of town. "So," he said. "A marine wanting to be a pirate?" She glanced at him. She couldn't see his face but he didn't even wear a shirt so she figured he probably wasn't a marine. "Being a marine wasn't my choice," she said. "And, just so you know, it's not very polite to pretend to be asleep and listen to other people's conversations." "Are you going to lecture your future pirate friends about their manners, too?" he grinned. "Depends," she replied with a smile. "Who's asking?" "Depends," he replied in the same tone of voice. "What do you have to offer your future pirate crew?" She threw him a sideways glance. Was he offering something, was he just killing time, was he making fun of her? Either way, it was probably not a good idea to reveal her devil fruit power to a complete stranger. "Who even are you?" she wanted to know. "Could be a friend," he said. "Depends on your answers." "So if I tell you I have nothing to offer, you're gonna kill me?" "Oh, slowly and painfully," he laughed. Somehow, she found him funny.

"Keep walking," she said, quickly leading him away from the stares of the few people nearby. She didn't want their attention in the slightest. Unfortunately it was a hot summer day and everyone was outside. Sie turned her back on them, blocking their view, then grabbed the stranger's hand. He looked at her in surprise, then looked down on the tiny flower appearing in the palm of his hand, slowly growing in size. Then he looked back at Niara, eyebrows raised. "So, you plan to attack enemy pirate ships with flower power?" he teased. She groaned. "Well, I could wrap you in vines and then drag you to the marine base as a present for my superiors, how does that sound instead?" He threw his head back and laughed and she desperately tried to get a glimpse of his face. "Wouldn't work," he said. "Is that so?" she replied. Sie really wanted to grow some vines and wrap them around him just to get him to stop laughing so badly, but unfortunately there were too many people around. Technically, it wasn't too unusual for a marine to have devil fruit powers, but still, she didn't want them to notice she was more than a random girl sometimes hanging out here at a bar. Instead of an answer, the tiny flower suddenly burst into flames in the middle of his palm and then dissolved into ashes. He blew them away right at her and she wrinkled her nose as the smoke blew in her face. She stared at him. "You're…!" He took off his hat - that hat, how could she have been so blind, it was literally on his wanted poster! He grinned at her but he also seemed to noticed that while people had not seen the little flower growing in the palm of his hand, they had at the very least seen the smoke rising from his hands, if not the flame too. "Listen, flower girl," he said. "If you're still in for that amazing pirate adventure dream of yours, be at the harbor tonight. If you don't show, I'll assume we'll be on opposite sides next time we meet." "Wait - you're serious?" Her heart was beating fast. Was this really it? Her one shot at living her dream? And if so, was she ready to leave everything behind and just trust this man she had just met with her entire future? If she chose to become a pirate, there would be no home or family to ever go back to. It was more likely that she would have to face off against her family members sooner or later - if she even made it that far. There were so many what ifs... But… BUT… this was her ticket out of here, her one shot for freedom - and that stranger was literally Firefist Ace… she would be a fool to turn that offer down. "See you later, - oh yeah, what's your name anyway?" She giggled. "It's Niara," she said, carefully leaving out her family name which would tie her to way too many high ranking marine officers. "See ya later, Nina!" "Ni-A-RA!!" she called after him, but people were coming closer now, looking at them with interest.

Ace disappeared, leaving Niara to look at the curious people as innocently as possible before quickly slipping away, basically running towards marine headquarters. She had a choice to make but she felt so giddy and excited that she knew it wasn't really a choice at all. It was finally time to follow her dream.

Sorry for having to break this into smaller blocks of text but tumblr kept telling me my text blocks are too long???