#I've slept on it and I'm absolutely flabbergasted

[monsieuroverlord]

Now that some of Marvel Pride Allies Variant covers are posted, I want to make a few quick notes in anticipation of variant cover roast to follow:

A) What series of systemic failures occurred for editorial to sign off on this? Inquiring minds would like to know. At least mine would. (Even if it turns out it was just a misleading name, which I doubt but is the best outcome, it's still a serious marketing fail. )

B) If you want to see a better Pride anthology from a big company -- go look at DC's line-up for this year. Not only a Pride anthology, but a separate tribute to Rachel Pollack, some YA graphic novels lined up, along with some absolutely lovely variants this year.

C) Go support "When I was Young..." on Backerkit. Click Here

I got no relation to it other than supporting it myself. All profits earned are directly going to the Trevor Project. Lots of good writers and art, and I am eagerly anticipating it myself.

[figs-and-cigs]

Dear Ex,

I'm still grieving. After briefly seeing you at events this past week I've found myself ruminating. I'm sad a frustrated.

I thought a lot about closure. Truthfully, I don't need or want closure. I think things ended clearly and obviously, and I'd rather not have to enter another circular conversation about it with you. But I wanted to write this. I won't send it to you. If you asked me for closure though, I would gladly have a conversation with you.

I keep thinking about some of the things you said in your message. They were cruel and unkind. I did not directly defend myself against some of your accusations - because I knew that would be unhealthy. I did state that I was sad you saw me that way. I stated my perspective on how things were handled. That was enough for me. But having sat with that message for a while I do want to type things out - for myself.

I had shared that many of my previous relationships were FWBs. I liked going out to dinner and having sex. The fact that you brought that up in you message and then questioned my intentions with you made me feel absolutely sick! It showed me that 1. You don't approve of my past relationships (I don't give a shit), your message was short of slut shaming (I do give a shit if that's how you think) and 2. That you really did not understand me or how much I valued our relationship.

Like if I just wanted a FWB dynamic with you, I would have said that! I said from the beginning I was hoping for something more emotionally intimate.

You and I only had sex once! How could you possibly think I was only using for sex in all the months we were together!? I cooked dinner for you, I paid for meals when I could (even while I shared I'm on a fixed income for disability). How could you question that I was seeking a meal ticket and sex from you?

I shared time and time again about my agoraphobia and driving anxiety. How HARD those things are for me, and how hard I work on them. Even so, I drove to your house and to meet you places more often than not. I shared a few times that my agoraphobia and fibromyalgia means I struggle to sleep when I'm not home. Even so, I slept over at your house almost every week, I slept over at the hotel for that one event. While those things are difficult for me, I did them happily BECAUSE I valued our relationship!

In your message you then asked, "what do you offer? Is your focus solely on yourself and what you can get?" I'm flabbergasted you would ask me those things! I'm incredibly saddened that, after months of talking every day, seeing each other 2-3 times a week, intimate conversations, you still felt the need to question those things!

In any relationship it's not about what I can get. It's about offering myself to and connecting with someone else. Offering our time, hearts, and selves to each other in whatever capacity feels right. Every request you made, I tried to meet. Every moment we spent together I was fully present and connected. I did and I gave more of myself to you, in a short period of time, than I have with many of relationships over the last several years of my poly journey because dammit I really liked and cared about you.

I will say one of my biggest triggers in relationships is when I feel misunderstood. I shared openly and honestly about my mental and physical health issues. I didn't expect you to understand them. But time and time again situations would come up where it became clear you really did not understand them. My running late for a date because I was having driving anxiety. A day where I didn't call because I was having a chronic fatigue day. Forgetting something you said even though I explained fibro fog. When you asked if I have "black and white thinking" and I offhandedly said it's a symptom of BPD. Your response was always one of disappointment and feeling disconnected from the relationship and rarely one of understanding. I felt pressured to meet your requests even though I was struggling - and I met them more often than not.

And in that nasty message you told me to work on my communication skills, to deal with my disorders. (Meanwhile you blatantly ignored my messages!) You weaponized and misinterpreted intimate details I shared with you!

And then you had asked if you could make requests without me feeling personally attacked!? Instead of discussing my schedule like I had been trying to for weeks, you gave me a lecture about "effective communication" you told me to change my language - even though I was already doing the things you were asking. I offhandedly said that sounds controlling. You took it as you can't make requests!? Despite me constantly trying to meet your requests. I never felt personally attacked until that conversation, until you started asking me questions like a psycho-analysist and until you sent me a message questioning my intentions, calling me uncompassionate, looked down my disorder and still refused to respond directly to anything I had texted. I've taken lots of time to analyze my communication skills since. I've spoken with my therapist, partners, close friends (not always directly about you and the situation). MY communication skills are NOT the problem here.

You want to know the biggest red flag? In your message you said I interrupted you during our conversation. I remember the moment. I said, "this has become a boundary for me. My schedule has changed." And you said you don't like the term boundaries, that you think they're selfish. I jumped in and gave a definition of boundaries. That self care isn't selfish. Sorry, I interrupted you in that moment. But if you don't like boundaries, I don't want a relationship where I can't have them.

So that's that. Now you saying I'm welcome to reach out when I know we're going to the same event. I assume because I didn't respond to the event going on this weekend - even though I said I was going says prior. That's fine, but you can text me too if you want to say anything. I've said what was necessary. What I'm typing now isn't. I'd rather detach than get into justifications and defenses.

Also you showed up at the meet up I go to every week - a meet up you rarely attend, with two brand new partners. In the poly world of course that's fine, often to be expected. But it definitely seemed odd, considering you normally don't go and don't like flaunting your relationships. But whatever, it's none of my business.

I still with you well.

End vent.

[digital-corruption]

Unrecognisable Part 20

“Geez, when do they close up!?” Jake exclaimed from the front town house window. “Who the hell wants to buy a second-hand car this late at night!?”

I had to giggle because I remembered thinking a similar thing back when Richy was, well, Richy.

“It must be an automobile thing,” I shrugged.

“I have half of a mind to go over and just hold them up,” Jake whined. “For fuck’s sake, no one’s going to come to your no name shop in the smallest town on earth at 9:50 on a fucking Monday to buy a second-hand Fiat! Just close already!”

I walked over to Jake and hugged him from behind, “Someone’s a bit cranky.”

“I hate waiting for someone else,” he mumbled.

I smiled and kissed his cheek, “And you haven’t slept.”

Jake rolled his eyes, “That’s hardly relevant.”

“In what sense?” I laughed.

“I just- I want to get us out of here soon. Every minute wasted on these idiots is another minute closer to someone finding the van. Another minute less for getting past the border before daylight,” he explained.

“You could rest your eyes for fifteen minutes while I watch,” I suggested.

“I'm fine,” he insisted.

“You still haven’t told me your plan, you know. Why don’t you tell me that?” I proposed.

“It’s simple. We steal a dirt bike so we can get through the forest quicker. We should be able to get out before the helicopters reach the area,” he answered vaguely.

“What, ride the dirt bike all the way to the border from here?” I questioned.

“No, we load the dirt bike into that van there. I presume it has significantly less blood than our previous van. We drive that close to the forest, then swap to the dirt bike. Otherwise, we'll run out of fuel,” he replied.

“And how many hours have you had off-roading with a dirt bike? Through a forest at night no less,” I frowned. “Cause I've had none.”

“I've ridden motorbikes before,” he responded.

“You answered half the question,” I narrowed my eyes at him.

Jake turned his head to look back at me, “I've got this, trust me.”

“And that’s how I lost my leg last summer,” I rubbed my forehead in absolute disbelief.

“I won’t be driving that fast,” he assured me.

“We’ll need helmets too,” I pressured.

“Fine,” he sighed. “Finally! They’re closing!”

“And you're sure you can hack their security system?” I asked.

“MC, I don’t even have to hack anything. Look, they were stupid enough to put a camera over their keypad,” he held up his phone to show me the CCTV feed. “And they’re entering it in now. 1234!? Are you fucking kidding me!?”

I couldn’t help, but burst out laughing at Jake’s flabbergasted expression. I knew he had been waiting so very patiently for this moment and for the secret, magical code to be such a basic one was almost an insult.

“I am going to come back and steal that fucking Jaguar!” he declared. “You don’t get to be that stupid and have that sitting on your lot!”

“I am sure they are very hard-working people,” I argued.

Jake shrugged, “Normally I would say their insurance can cover it, but you know when their insurance company sees the footage of me entering 1234 into their keypad in full view of the camera, they may not get anything at all. But I'm not even a little sad about that because holy fuck! How can you be so stupid? They should've been robbed a hundred times over by now! A thousand times!”

“Are you done?” I raised my eyebrow.

“Yeah, ok,” he mumbled. “Have you got everything packed up again?”

“Yup, it’s all ready to go,” I smiled.

“Good, we’re going in a couple of minutes,” he warned me.

I hugged him tight and sighed, “Is it always so hectic?”

“Need I remind you I was living a nice, quiet, peaceful life by my lonesome a few days ago?” he teased. “Nobody bothered me. I could do what I wanted when I wanted.”

“Oh yeah, you were real happy,” I rolled my eyes.

“To answer the question though, no it isn't. It just takes a lot of time to shake my pursuers and redeploy defences,” he answered.

“Are you ever going to tell me what you were up to here? Why I am suddenly an international criminal as well?” I questioned.

“I was working with others on exposing a very corrupt government. Being within the country makes it easier to operate and open doors for the others,” he explained vaguely. “Breaking holes into their cyber defences and exposing their servers does make me their public enemy number one though.”

I frowned, “Why does it sound like you volunteered for this suicide mission?”

“Because I did,” he admitted. “Enough distraction, it is time to move.”

“This conversation isn’t over, Jake,” I let go of him and grabbed our bag to sling over my shoulder.

“I know you don’t approve of me acting recklessly,” he leant over to pick up his backpack.

“Understatement,” I interjected.

“I was operating under the belief I was a singular entity and the repercussions were limited to me and me alone,” he continued as he headed for the front door. “The situation is vastly different now.”

“That’s no excuse for signing yourself up for a suicide mission,” I argued as I followed him out and closed the door locked behind me.

“Someone had to do it and I had no ties,” he sighed. “I didn’t expect them to draw you out.”

“You’re not getting it, are you? I am pissed that you would ever value your life so lightly!” I tried to keep my voice down as we walked out to the road.

“My life had no value,” he mumbled as we crossed the road. “A lot of things have changed recently.”

I shook my head, “It shouldn’t have taken me for you to value your life.”

Jake paused in front of the chained gate entrance to the car yard, then turned to me and stroked my cheek, “You don’t understand. Without you in it, my life has no value. My days were spent simply existing and protecting you however I could. Taking down a corrupt government that aided my enemies at least gave my life some purpose. A distraction from the banal. And to be honest, it was probably the least self-destructive thing I've done.”

“Well that just leads to more questions,” I frowned.

Jake kissed me tenderly, “Knowing my life means something to someone gives me cause to act more reasonably now.”

“It’s a start,” I kissed him back.

Jake smiled before pulling up his mask, then turned his attention to the padlock, which he quickly picked open. He slowly pushed the gate across as it rattled a little as it rolled across the entrance. Keeping our heads low, we walked across the yard to the main office. The lot had far more vehicles than I had realised. We went past lots of different sedans, pick-ups, SUVs, motorcycles and dirt bikes. They all ranged from recent models to over 30 years old. I secretly was praying that the dirt bikes weren’t lemons because the last thing we needed was for them to fail on us.

Jake picked both locks on the main office door with ease, then stepped through quickly to enter the ever-so complicated alarm code before the system could trigger.

“Look for helmets, I'll get the keys,” Jake instructed as he went behind the reception desk.

The reception area was cluttered with product displays for everything ranging from floor carpets to air fresheners.  At the far end there was a small display for helmets so I grabbed one and tried it on. It was a relatively good fit, so I grabbed a second for Jake. When I turned to return to Jake, I was surprised to find him at my side, trying on gloves.

“You got the keys already?” I asked surprised.

“Piece of cake,” he nodded. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

As we went back outside, I reset the alarm and pulled the door closed locked behind me. Jake rolled his eyes and shook his head at my persistent conscience while he walked towards a black van. He unlocked it with the electronic lock then opened its rear doors. As Jake pushed the dirt bike up to the van, I placed the helmets inside then gave him a hand in lifting the bike into the back. As soon as it was in, he closed the doors and handed me the keys for the van for me to drive while he worked on his laptop.

Driving out of the lot, I started to question how the hell I got here. Less than a week ago I was making innocent travel plans during my work breaks and today was just an endless string of crimes with grand theft auto now added to the list. Yet Jake kept acting like it was just another day, which made it so easy to ignore the consequences of our actions. I could feel my sense of morality blurring the longer I was with him.

Thankfully the road was empty, the drive to the edge of the forest was a cinch. Jake directed me to a dirt road, then I pulled over in a quiet corner of the forest. Jake snapped his laptop closed and shoved it back into his backpack before climbing out of the van. I left the keys on the dashboard, then got out as well. Jake already had the rear doors opened when I joined him at the back of the van. He adjusted his helmet and put it on, then took out his new gloves and slipped them on. I grabbed my helmet and put it on while Jake took out the bike from the van.

“Make sure you hold me tight,” he warned me before starting up the dirt bike.

Taking a deep breath, I climbed onto the back of the bike and put him arms around him. He adjusted my hands to where was best for him and took one last look back at me to make sure I was ok before setting off into the forest.