#ILOVEYOUNAMJOON | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vanbwi · 7 years

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Me paenitet -a/m.

me paenitet (Latin; I’m sorry)

member: Kim Namjoon

genre: angst, smut, college!au

trigger warnings: graphic self-harm, suicidal thoughts, death, depression, drug use, paranoia and self-hatred.

↠ words: 4.7k

*Reader discretion is advised.

At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not your life. 🌹

Everyone knew her name. The perfect good girl, a law student with straight A’s with zero annotations. The professors adored her. Students looked up to her. She was the ideal image of a hardworking Harvard student who desired to be a successful lawyer. She was flawless inside and out.

Lovely and kindhearted personality. She cared, she cared so much about others. She was irresistible and charming. Luxurious hair, spotless and soft skin, a desirable body. Alluring eyes, mushy cheeks and a bright smile. A smile that could light up the whole room.

But nobody really knew who she actually was.

Before he properly met her, they’ve exchanged a couple of smiles and small conversations to bore the time. Y/N was always there in the library, studying and studying. There were so much readings that had to be done in her major. Big piles of books in front of her that shielded her away from the crowd. He was completely shocked, him who’s taking a masters degree in philosophy and literature at the same time. He didn’t have to read that much.

Namjoon actually looked up to her too, appreciate how much work she is putting in to reach her dreams. She basically lived there together with him. She came there to study while he came there to relax and read. They were always the last ones to leave the library once it’s closed.

He was an awkward little bean so he stopped and pretended to tie his shoe laces to avoid walking side by side with her. Since she lived only two rooms away from him. However, there was a pair of cute artistic shoes that stopped in front of him. She bent down on her knees, “Hey Kim Namjoon, right? Do you want to walk back together to the dormitory?”

“S-sure, Y/N.” He brushed his hair back and scratched his neck awkwardly.

They stood up and walked side by side. He could smell her scent as the cold wind blew past her. She smelt like citrus, orchids and the rain forest smell, it was so serene and calming. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, breathing in her scent and keep her in his grip forever. But she snapped him out of his dreamy thoughts.

“How did you know my name anyway?” Y/N questioned, smiling and showed her deep dimples. She was so humble.

“Well, everyone knows you. The straight A’s student with a dream of becoming a lawyer. I really admire how hard you’re working to reach your dreams. You’ll get very successful.”

She laughed an airy laugh. A grin so big that made the corner of her eyes wrinkled. God, she was so beautiful. Her laugh was adorable. Y/N stopped for a second, gazed into his eyes and he swore, he saw sparkling stars in her eyes.

“I admire you too, Nams. Everyone knows who you are too. The cute dimpled genius with a high IQ. Instead of becoming an engineer, you chose literature and philosophy. Something that interests you. Not everyone are brave enough to reach for their dreams.”

Namjoon looked down to his feet, redness appeared by the corner of his ears and roamed to his mushy cheeks.

That was the start of their friendship. Although they didn’t have the same classes together. They got more closer and closer, they sat next to each other at the library. Sharing snacks and coffee. Discussing books, art and music. Learning new Latin phrases together so that only the two of you would understand. Planning trips after graduation. Not long, they were running after each other in the library hallways, piggy ride each other on the fields, buying lunch for each other. She rarely went to frat parties so they chose to stay in the dorms together with takeaways and rented movies.

He remembered those relaxing nights and stressful mornings. He remembered her small hands engulfed in his. Her head against his chest, hearing her slow breathing. Saturday morning was the only day where they can snuggled til the sun sets again. He loved to wake up to her by his side every morning. Watching her peaceful face, seeing some small acne around her face. Pimples by her chin. Looking at the scar by her forehead and her right cheek. An eyelash by the tip of her nose. Studying all the beautiful imperfections. They were perfect to him.

He knew everything about her. Her favorite topping on pizza. Her favorite color, her favorite clothing and her father’s favorite band. She knew his favorite author, his favorite book and his mother’s favorite song. She knew that he got his smile from his mother. She even know the snoring pattern when he sleeps. But that didn’t bother her since she was a deep sleeper and his snoring was calming to her.

“Do you want some more beer? I have more in the fridge.” Y/N stretched her arms, untangling herself away from him.

“Yes, please.” He said politely. Watched her body swinging away to the little cabinet. He didn’t wanted to get caught staring so he returned his gaze down to the coffee table. But he noticed something, a small white box tucked underneath her leather bag loaded with books.

A box of cigarettes?

“Do you smoke?” Namjoon blurted out with curiosity and anxiousness. Please, say it’s her roommate’s. Don’t let her destroy herself with poison. Although he already knew the answer, she didn’t have any roommate.

“Yeah.” She replied simply. “I know it’s not good for me but I feel relaxed. Smoking also feels better paired with coffee and frustration.” She joked slightly by the end, grinning without her dimples to be seen. Why weren’t they there?

He knew something was off, once she returned with two bottles of beers in her hands. One of them was nearly emptied. She made a little distance between them. However, Namjoon understood her. He scooted closer to her, locking her in a corner and wrapped his arms around her.

Y/N’s stiff body grew relaxed by his touch. She leaned her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes. Smelling his warmth mixed with books and expensive cologne.

“It’s alright.” Namjoon whispered and stroked her soft hair. Kissed her forehead gently. “I’m here for you. If you ever need anything. Cigarettes aren’t always the answer.”

She smiled, small dimples appeared on her cheeks. “Thanks, Nams. You can stay the night.”

He hated seeing her smoke. The way she hold that damn thing between her fingers. The way she inhales the toxic in herself. How emotionless and cold she looks. It was like seeing her ripping herself apart in pieces. He couldn’t bare that. Smoking was a classic way to commit suicide. Every time she smokes in his sight, he would stomp that bloody thing under his feet.

Now she’s left with coffee and frustration without a smoke. She let out a huff and stared annoyed at the floor.

“Tell me what’s bothering you instead. Don’t cage the feelings inside yourself.” Namjoon towered over her. “Please, Y/N... You know that I’ll always be here for you.”

Y/N rolled her eyes and sighed. Smiling slightly.Yeah, she’s smiling. But don’t let that fool you. Look into her eyes, it’s breaking inside.

Goddamn she was hard to crack. He already knew that something was wrong, he noticed the way she gets stiff when they’re talking about feelings or what’s bothering them. The tiredness in her face, the veins in her stormy eyes. Her chapped cold lips, her freezing hands. She looked so fragile and broken.

She have been strong for way too long.

“You must know that every words I’ve said to you. I mean it. I care for you. You’re so important to me. You were always there for me when I’ve faced problems. It’s my turn to return the favor. I’m always thinking of you.” He confessed, holding her frozen hands. Caressing the top of her hand.

“I’ve laid on my bed at night, thinking if you’re okay. Have you eaten or not? Have someone hurt you? What’s bothering you? Have you gotten safe home? Are you sleeping well?” Namjoon’s voice started to crack. Tears were streaming down his face. He meant everything he said.

Goosebumps crept up Y/N’s skin. She felt guilt, was she the one who made her cry? Was she the one who should be blamed for all of this? Why did he care so much?

“I care about you. I’m here for you.” He brushed her hair away from her face. Cupping her mushy cheeks and wiped away her silent tears. “Always. I trust you with my life.”

She breathed in, gathering up her voice. “We are all addicted to something that takes the pain away.“

Her voice was breaking apart, she tried to hold in her tears again. She hated to cry. It made her feel the attention and the pity he gave her. “I’ll be alright one day. Someday. But not today.“

Namjoon pulled her into a tight hug. Wrapped her in his arms tighter than ever. Never letting her go. Want her to know that if something goes wrong, he’ll be there. He’ll always be there.

Y/N sobbed into his shirt, quietly whimpering and wetting his shirt with her wet tears. She cried harder than she ever cried. Feeling her nose and her throat getting stuffed. It hurt to breath and cry. She felt like something was crawling up her throat. She wanted to scream in exasperation.

“I can’t concentrate anymore.” She croaked out. She clung onto him hard and buried her face in his chest. “My grades are dropping. Everything I’ve read, they don’t stay in my head. The big exam is coming up, I don’t remember anything!”

“You’ve been on the top for so long. We’re soon graduating... You’re almost there Y/N. Your dream is becoming true.” He kissed the top of her head, stroking her hair gently.

She violently pushed him away. Gripped her head, wanting to rip her hair from her head. Wanting to get out of her own skin. “I don’t want to be a lawyer! I never wanted anything of this! Law doesn’t interest me! I wanted to make my parents proud, I wanted to make everyone proud! But I’ve never been happy, I regret it. I regret everything... God.”

She wept and wept. Clutching her chest and digging her nails into her skin. She rolled into a ball, wrapping her arms around herself. Namjoon was blown away by her outrage. He stared at her, more tears pouring down his face like rocky waterfalls. It wasn’t her dream. She never wanted to be a lawyer.

He bent down, engulfed her into his warm embrace.

Y/N started smiling again. However, he noticed that her dimples were gone. The dimples becomes visible when she meant it. She faked the smiles to everyone. The professors, the freshmen and her friends. But he saw it right through her. Her eyes were gray and stormy. Full of sorrows. She was so strong and independent. Came back right to the tracks again, studying hard and distanced herself from him. His friends even questioned where she was. She didn’t return his calls or his messages. It felt like months.

Maybe he was the distraction? Maybe it was his fault? Namjoon thought to himself, staring at her cigarette box in his own hands. He took it away from her, they didn’t help her. The addiction will drive her mad.

The exams came. He wished her luck.

Three weeks later he got the results back. He passed with full score. However, he couldn’t help but think about her. Did she pass? And if she didn’t was she satisfied with the results? He searched for her in the crowd. But all he saw was a glimpse of her heading towards the dormitory.

“Y/N!” Namjoon shouted and sprinted after her. She heard him but didn’t turn back, picked up her pace and shut the door behind her. Locking it securely.

“Please, Y/N!” He banged on the door. “Let’s talk, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Stupid. He thought. Of course she wasn’t okay.

“It will get better.” Namjoon shouted through the door, clung onto the hand lock. Hoping that she will open up to let him in.

“No, it won’t.” She shouted back.

“I’m here for you.” ¨

“Bullshit!” She screamed in defeat. It pained him, he could hear her small whimpers. Her stuffed breathing and the way

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” She banged her head against the door. “Let me be.”

Namjoon backed away slowly, felt his heart breaking in pieces. Y/N haven’t come out for many weeks. She locked herself in that stupid dorm, starving herself and driving herself mad. She never answered any calls or messages. He assumed that she have broken her phone.

He was worried and concerned. Although he was the only one that cared. None of her friends came by, they probably haven’t noticed that she have isolated herself in. Heartless people, nobody cared.

He came by everyday, knocking on the door, bringing food to her. But she haven’t touched them one bit. All he could hear through the door was her rigid and unstable breathing. Mixed with muffled cries and sobs. He was afraid that one day she will be gone. One day he wouldn’t get to see that beautiful smile, he wouldn’t hear her soft voice.

How long can a human survive without food? How long could a human survive with their disturbing mind?

One month passed, the graduation day was right by the corner. He hoped that this day she would let him in. He knocked softly and leaned his head against the door, “Y/N? Can you please let me in? I’ve brought some food. You really must eat something.”

Some seconds later, he heard the distant soft footsteps approaching the door. Unlocked it. She finally faced him, a small smile on her face. Her voice was dry and scratchy, like she have been screaming and crying. “Hey.”

Oh, Y/N. What have you done? She have lost so much weight, he could see the prominent collarbones and the bones peeking through her chest. Her cute squishy cheeks were gone. There weren’t any colors on her skin tone. Grayish and blue even. Her hair was thinner and dried up. She had on an oversize baggy sweater that reached above her kneecaps.

“I’ve missed you.” Namjoon whispered and closed the door behind him. Observing the surrounding. There weren’t any source of light coming through. It was a mess. Her room didn’t smell like citrus anymore. It reeked of smoke and the metallic blood smell.

She sat down by the unmade bed. Sucking her teeth and tried to smile. “I’ve missed you too, Nams.”

Namjoon opened the food tray and started to feed her. She didn’t denied the food, accepted it and stared at him. Her eyes were bloodshot red and the corner of her lips were a trail of blood. “Is it good?”

She nodded and coughed up, “Taste good.”

Her tranquil dark gaze. She stared at the wall. Empty and emotionless. She have destroyed herself completely. She couldn’t even cry anymore. In that moment he felt like she didn't exist anymore.

“I’m just kinda tired you know. I’m tired of feeling like a failure all the time.” She mumbled faintly. Shifted her gaze to him, he held her cold hands. Pulled her into a tender hug.

She opened up, whispering in a hushed voice. “I want to give up, I’m done with myself. I can’t leave because I care too much and it’s killing me. I know it would destroy my friends and my family. So I take this pain, I choose to smile so the people I love doesn’t feel the same way as I’m feeling right now.”

Y/N felt so guilty for bringing him into this. She used all the strength she had and gently pulled him onto the bed. She laid in his arms, their legs tangled together.

“I want to stop trying and not care for one day. Sometimes I wish people didn’t care so I cloud kill myself without feeling bad? Does that make me a horrible person? To finally get what I actually want instead of adjusting myself to others?”

Namjoon shake his head.

“Sometimes I don’t want to feel better, I don’t want things to get better. Sometimes I want things to get really bad so I have a reason to kill myself.” She confessed. She told everything she always wanted to say. Slowly there were tears dripping down her face.

“That exam results pushed me. I’ve barely passed. But I don’t want to be a lawyer. I don’t want to study all over again. I’ve always been interested in art, I want to be an artist.” Y/N sighed heavily. She dreamed and dreamed to finally get what she wanted. Although

“It’s alright, Y/N. You must reach for your dreams, I’ll always be here for you. We can live in an apartment together. You’re studying while I’m working. I mean it. I want a future with you.” Namjoon caressed her back, feeling the bony spine peeking through the sweater.

His chest heaving up and down, she listened to his steady heartbeat. “You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. You mean so much to me. I already know it. I’m so in love with you Y/N.”

Y/N weakly smiled, slowly dimples started to appear on her soft cheeks. “I love you too, Namjoon.” Since a long time, she was happy. She felt loved and she knew that he would always be there for her. She leaned in and gently kissed him. Tasting the sweetness from his lips. His lips were so soft compared to her cold chapped lips.

Namjoon played with her hair, caressing her cheeks and softly stroke her legs. Feeling every curve and every skin on her body. Making her feel worthy and beautiful. He wanted to make her feel loved, let her know that she was so important to him. He rolled over, looking at her small frame as he hovered over her.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous.” He said deeply. She smiled once again, reaching her cold hands to the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. Namjoon did the same to her, but for a while she seem hesitant about it.

“It’s okay.”

He gently pulled her big sweater over her head. Observing her fragile body. What has she done? There were deep scars, burnt marks and scratches. She also ripped her own skin. Some of them were old and some haven’t fully healed. Instead of being disgusted, he stared at her masterpiece. He softly kissed every pieces of her body. She have become so thin, her sternum and her ribs were visible.

Teardrops gathered by the corner of his eyes. “Please, don’t hurt yourself again. Do you know how important you are to me?”

Y/N gently nodded and crashed her lips against his. A passionate and deep kiss with everything poured into it. She grasped his hair and slowly started to grind onto him, locking him between her thighs. She could feel his growing bulge pressed against her lower stomach. She whispered, “Please, make me forget the pain. I love you so much.”

His hands caressed her legs and gripped her inner thighs. Pressing her against the bed, taking control. He pinned her arms above her heads, sucking her neck and downwards. To her breast, her ribs, her stomach, her bellybutton. All the time he kept his eyes on her, looking at her pretty face gasping for air. Her chest heaving up and down as she kept squirming under his touch.

“Oh, god... Namjoon.” She moaned once his hands reached down to cup her heat. His fingers pressed against her covered core.

“You’re soaking wet already.” Namjoon grunted and slipped down her underwear, craving a taste of her. She let out a shaky sigh and arched her back. His slow tongue soothed over her bottom lip. He started to suck the juices and gently swept his tongue between the slit. His plump lips wrapped around her core.

His fingers pressed into the heat, spreading her lip wider. “Fuck!” Y/N bucked her body, her breathing became heavier and she gasped at the pleasure. Namjoon gripped her thighs tighter, making her stay in her place. Her body trembled as he quickened his pace. His tongue never leaving her lower lip. Her walls tightened against his fingers.

“Holy shit.” He breathed against her, sending vibrations through her body. She couldn’t do it anymore, she squirmed upwards and plopped herself on her elbows.

Y/N stared at his swollen lips and his dark lustful eyes. “Just fuck me already.” She laid back down on the bed, trying to calm her violent heart.

She heard the sound of his belt unbuckling and the zipper zipping down. “You got any condoms?” He winced at the contact of his stinging member. Once he pulled down his underwear, his cock bounced up against his stomach. The precum were leaking out and made a big wet spot on his boxers.

“No, it’s alright. Just put it in me.” Y/N closed her eyes.

Namjoon hovered over her, looking down to guide his throbbing member towards her little cunt. He stroked his cock against her heat, coating her juices over the head of his member. At the same time he was afraid to touch her, he was afraid to break her.

“Shit, just fuck me already.” She moaned at the contact of his cock against her. He held his breath as he pushed himself inside her. Stretching her out wide around him. She winced at the sudden pain, biting his biceps.

“Ah- are you okay?” Namjoon controlled himself from not pounding into her right at the spot. Concern washed over him.

“No, it feels so good... You can move.” Y/N whimpered slightly and clung onto his back. Pressing his chest against hers.

He placed his arms beside her face and thrust deeper into her. He stared down at her, looking at her beautiful face. He deeply whispered, “You’re so fucking tight and wet around me.”

Namjoon picked up his pace and started to ram deeply into her. Feeling her warmth and the tightness around him. She could feel his prominent throbbing veins on his cock brushing against her core. Her walls clenched tightly against him, he grunted. Not being able to thrust deeper.

“Namjoon, I’m close.” She moaned and intensely stared into his eyes.

“Fuck, me too.” He heavily groaned. She came around his member, releasing a loud moan that sounded like heaven to him. It wasn’t long until he chased after his high. Rapidly pounding into her swollen core. She cried at the over sensitivity. He shot his warm load inside her and pulled out, rubbing his sticky cum around her cunt.

He slumped down beside her, their body sweaty and sticky. The bed sheets were sticking to their skin. Y/N turned to the side and placed her head on his chest. Listening to his pumping heart.

“Can we start over? Can we be strangers again?” She sobbed, letting the cold tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Let me introduce myself. We can laugh and talk. And relearn what we already know, and come up with new inside jokes. And create new memories and give each others a second chance. A second chance. I’ve filled you up with bad memories and bad words already. I’ve ruined you.”

Y/N cupped his face, looking into his deep eyes. “I’m so sorry. I love you so much. You’ve always been there for me, whatever I’m experiencing. It’s not you. It was never you.”

Tomorrow was the graduation day. Namjoon was so thrilled and excited, he couldn’t help and smiled at the memories from last night with Y/N. God, he was utterly in love. He promised to take care of her, he won’t ever let her out of his sight again. Finally, they were graduating together like they promised.

He woke up later than usual, he didn’t even check his phone, put on some shirt and saw that his roommate have already woken up. The first thing he wanted to see in the morning was her face.

Head directly over to the cafeteria with a big goofy smile plastered on his face. He greeted the barista, Yoongi. “Two cappuccinos, please.”

“Well, aren’t you happy today? Finally, I haven’t seen you smile in a while, Namjoon.” Yoongi gave him the usual gummy smile, wrinkly triangular eyes. He’s also graduating today with his master’s degree in music production. Yoongi was so passionate, working half-time and studying full-time. Namjoon admired him as well. They were close friends with the same music taste.

“it’s Y/N right?” Yoongi guessed and handed him the two plastic cups.

“Yeah.” Namjoon blushed.

“Say hello from me to her, will you? It’s been a while since I’ve seen her by your side. I hope she’s doing well. You guys are really cute together.” Yoongi nodded and maybe he was one of those who actually cared for her more than her friends.

Namjoon waved and slowly jogged to her dorm. Nearly skipping in happiness and excitement. “Y/N! Wakey, wakey! I’ve brought you some coffee, maybe we can go out for pancakes together?” He didn’t knocked and walked straight in.

No one was there. A complete silent welcomed him. Her bed was still unmade from yesterday. However, the mess in her room have been cleaned up, the windows were still shield shut. The only source of light was coming from the bathroom.

“Y/N?” He called out, getting worried. An uncomfortable feeling filled his stomach. His heart beat faster and faster.

His footsteps approached the opened door. Gulping, he turned to the corner and saw something he wished that he wasn’t the one witnessing. He instantly dropped the coffee on the floor, sprinted over to her, shouting for her to come back. He screamed for help.

There she was, lifeless in the bathtub filled with red fresh blood. The bathroom smelt like the familiar metallic smell and it was far worse than the smoke. She had a razor in her hand that formed a deep cut on her throat. The blood have already stopped oozing out, he could even see the white skin beneath the cut. But her eyes was still full of life, she looked somewhat tranquil and calm. She cut pieces of her cheeks, showing dimples. Those dimples that he loved so much.

He clutched her body onto his chest, tried to feel a heartbeat coming from her. At the same time, he was enraged. Why? Why did she leave him? He told her that everything is going to be okay. She promised to graduate together with him. It was only one day away. One day.

Why today? Why did you do it? Y/N...

Namjoon kept crying and crying, the ambulance came but he still didn’t let go off her. He didn’t want to accept the fact that he’ll never see her again. He’ll never feel the warmth, he’ll never wake up beside her in the next morning, the first thing he would see... Her beautiful face, her gentle smile, her deep dimples and her adorable laughter.

Everything flashed in his eyes, the ambulance took her away. The principal came to talk with him. The students were down like they have lost the sunshine. Yoongi gave him another cup of cappuccino, for the first time. Namjoon saw that Yoongi cried.

Namjoon stayed in her room. Trying to remember every single details they shared last night. However his eyes spotted something on the desk. A box full with cigarettes, the lighter that she always carried around and a drawing of a crow. He picked up the drawing, observing her beautiful hidden talent.

He flipped it around, at the back was her good bye letter to him. Her last words. He chewed his lips bitterly, picked up the lighter and set the piece of paper on fire.

At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not your life.

> Masterlist 🌹

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