#JOSH AND ERIK YOU MAKE ME LAUGH SO HARD I CRY

[henclair]

i’m emo so in tags is a love list

[flameontheotherside]

Fear of abandonment

I was bullied by everyone growing up. There's were many reason for being the target. I was "slow", socially awkward, annoying or just straight up weird. I struggled to make friends and keeping them but being "dropped" was kind of expected and I never fought it. Of they turned on me (they often did, they favored my twin brother) I got hurt or pissed off and moved on.

My long distance relationships were long distance and in my naivety up until the end of high school I never thought people cheated. I never did and just assumed if someone loved you, they meant it. Well David from Dallas didnt and it was a major blow. So from then on I preceeded long distance relationships with the expectation they will eventually cheat. They all did but when I found out, I wasn't surprised. Oh well, move on.

Josh and I broke up amicably fall, 2009.

We are still close friends and we talk regularly. He lived four hours away as my last ditch effort to find Erik. I knew he didn't live in FL but I had to try. The psychic months before said that the person I was looking for would die. It was the way he said it that struck me. It didn't line up with Josh at all. I didn't understand what I did wrong.

I know it was final one day out of the blue. That it was over. That feeling I had to find him was gone. I panicked because I didn't know what happened but SOMETHING happened. I cried for days because I couldn't understand. That's why this is so hard to write about.

I truly felt abandoned.

I started mourning and I know on the surface it looked like I was mulling over my ended relationship with Josh but it wasn't. I didn't really care about that. We remained friends and we occasionally met up to have sex and split. Nothing serious. When I thought he could be Erik I was madly in love with him. But after living with him a month I began to see correctly he wasn't. At the same time we agreed to just be friends.

That was the last time I ever REALLY loved anyone. Everyone after him was out of convenience as fuck buddies or a living arrangement. Looking back I was in relationships for selfish reasons. I met Rick in the beginning of 2010 and wasn't interested in a serious relationship but he was. Back then he was a little too interested in me and it kind of creeped me out. We still have the same friends they always thought we were a good match but I didn't want a serious relationship and found his attention to me a bit much. He's calmed way the fuck down now.

The frustration is real.

I want to have a NORMAL life. I wish I could love Rick as much as I love Erik. The truth is I'll NEVER be able to love anyone ever again. I try and its like having no words to describe. It's like a foreign language. It's awkward like trying to speak a new line for the first time. It's at a point that I think maybe I deserve to be alone over this because no matter who I am with, I won't be able to put in the same emotional effort and I really really want to! I often cry about it because I feel shitty.

Rick knows all about Erik and how he's my TF. He knows the gist of what TFs are and I know a part of him wishes we were TFs. I suspect him and Erik have incarnated before but I don't care to find out right now. I just feel if Erik were alive they would be best friends. Its kind of scary. You'd think them being alike would make me happy but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't.

I was very clear that I didn't want an Erik clone. 🤦‍♀️

...or at least I think so. The universe slaps me with this and it's like karma is forcing me to deal with this on my own 😔 Ugh ....I'll admit we have some really good laughs though. So that's that's positive for sure.

Good night!