#Jabuticaba | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tealime9 · 1 year

Text

Animal death and grieving underneath

Long LONG post

My pet rat died today

Im.

I shed many tears. Im still holding some.

I had taken her to the vet and she stayed At night, she seemed better for a moment and I had Hope.

But as morning came, it was told to me how she wasnt doing só well.

Once I was able, I rushed out of work to see her. I could feel that she wasnt gonna make it.

For my great heartbreak, she died 30 minutes before I could 3ven leave work, The doctor meant to call me after work as I explained The night before I was coming out by 1 PM.

I.. Didnt get to see her before her Poor little heart gave out.

It made me Hurt, I couldnt do anything, I wanted to comfort her, tô be there for her.

And i couldnt. And this hurts. Much.

I talked with The vet, and got to know that At least she had a peaceful night, had yummy things to eat.

She loved her sunflower seeds.

She was one strange rat as she didnt want to socialize with other rats, became quite aggressive.

She was quite aggressive, when I met her.

Jabuticaba was someone else rat At first, a friend of mine.

named after a fruit because she had big bulged eyes that looked like jabuticabas.

I remember my friend warning me to either shove the fingers through her cage bcs if we hovered she would bite. And boy did she bite

I remember one time that I went and poked her in her big round butt, and how she turned slowly, smelled my finger, and in one small beat of steadiness... She bit the HELL out of me!

Gosh it bled so much.

But I dont know why, every time I went to see my friend I liked to see her and interact with her. She was cute, and she was alone in her cage even if it was because she would attack other rats.

Then I decided to live with my friends.

And so she came as well.

I loved to see her wobbly walking, shaking her big butt as she walked, it was so cute.

And I kept seeing her, I kept interacting with her, My friend L let me get her to walk around my room. And it was so great.

She feared me so much at the start, first time I tried to hold her she panicked and jumped out of my bed and hands to the floor. She scratched me on the way down, trying to make it less hurt to fall I suppose.

She hid so much and didnt walk that much, but then she grew used to me.

"It's only us here in this room, you dont have to worry anyone attacking you" I used to say.

And I remember that one time where I held her gently and said that, soothing her with a baby voice, she seemed to calm down.

She started to explore more, she started to walk more calmly on the room.

I remember my friend C (shes also a veterinarian.) saying to me that she was blind. Because she didn't react visually that well.

And I tried to always approach noisily at her. She recognized me because of my high-pitched sounds when calling out to her, it was so cute to see her suddenly turn in my direction.

I remember get a paper wrapping to play with her, making crinkly noises while going around the bed, and having her chase it and bite it. I tried that later because I did with my hand and well, guess who got a wound out of that?

She ate so much sunflower seeds. We had to stop because C said that she had sedimentation problems.

I didnt know what that meant but she is a veterinarian and she said that even after we went through the vet.

I didnt had much responsability as owner at that time, because I wasnt.

My friends said how I was Jabus therapist. Because after some time she stopped being so aggressive.

She had to take anxiety meds because she was an anxious mess and she was scratching herself.

...a lot like me and my dermatillomania now that I wonder.

And after she started taking her meds, I kept interacting with her and she got better indeed.

I like to say that I was her Naruto and she was my Sasuke. With a better ending, I guess.

But I basically bothered her so much she learned that humans are not gonna hurt her, she learned friendship with that haha.

After I started working I couldnt be much in the house first, so she could only be monitored by L. I still interacted with her but she hardly left her cage which made me sad but at the time, problems started to arise at home and I couldn't let her out.

We had problems at home, many things happened this last month and we had to split apart. It was an incredibly stressful situation and there's still finishing things to do.

Since Jabu had such a good relationship with me, we all decided that she would stay with me.

I moved back to my parents house last week, and I noticed how she was less energetic, and in fact, seem to be almost always breathing too hard.

She stopped drinking from her drinking thing, and I put a small bowl with water, and gave water to her with my finger so she could lick it.

As C said, she seemed to just hold on to rest when everything settled after the house fight.

I noticed she seem to eat less these days, and I was giving food to her by hand, which she took and always ate. But yesterday after coming from work I had the thought that maybe her day was coming, she was two years old and it was told to me that's the average lifespan of rats.

I then tried to let her get out a bit of her cage, and she walked a bit on my bed, it was cute. But she went straight back to her cage and she started to open her mouth as if she was trying to breathe.

I talked with C and she said it was best to take to the vet, and I went straight to it

I talked to her the whole way, I put her cage into the seat next to me with her cage, and she stayed in her hammock, turned to my side. The way her big bulged eyes stared at me the whole trip made my heart clench, and I talked to her the whole way, giving some pats to soothe her.

The vet talked to me, I explained the situation and changed the name of who was her owner BCS it was in C's name at the time.

I helped her to check on Jabu, holding her so she would feel at least comfortable knowing it was me that was with her.

she was such good girl.

After some assessment, the doctor said that she probably had heart disease and maybe liquid in her lungs. I didn't know how that was possible but it was needed to make an X-ray. She said it was possibly best if she stayed the night so if she needed they would give her oxygen and be in observation, because she feared she would have an heart attack if trying the x-ray that day.

a pretty bad situation the doctor told me. She might die.

I saw her one last time and petted her to bid her goodnight.

I went home and I prayed in my room. To who doesn't matter, Im not Christian, I just wanted to pray loud for something on the universe.

I have my head full of thoughts and they are all so unprompted, like lines of thoughts to have as options to how proceed with it.

I had the line of thought of prayer, to wish her to be okay.

the line that thought that she would indeed die, and I would get space in my room for other stuff.

The one that I had money if she didn't stay.

The one that I would pay everything I could to make her be okay.

I started my grieving process this night. I prayed, but I knew that if she did live today she might die the next day in the x-ray, if she didnt then maybe Monday they would remove the liquid if it indeed had it. And if she survived that, it would still be pretty close, because she was two years old.

I discovered she was actually three years old, and I was surprised and more worried.

I received news when I woke up, that she was better by night, ate and peed and pooped alright.

I had hope once more before I went to work.

And it came crashing down after I left work hurriedly.

I held her corpse and petted it and I had hollow in my mind, because it felt like a fluffy object.

I cried, I cried for an hour before my friend came to help me. I was saying for C and L what happened and they asked for updates.

I called them to say what happened.

C offered to come to be with me and I accepted. I knew she would know what to do, because I most definitely would NOT send her to be cremated.

I cried while waiting for her, I cried and cried and felt the bitter regret and hurt, because I couldn't give her a sunflower seed, I couldn't be there when she died.

I take comfort in trusting the doctor because C worked there and she knows they are all competent and caring, and I felt that as well. So I take comfort that while she was with strangers, she was treated very well, and the doctor even told me that she gave such yummy food for her, so I take comfort that she had something tasty to eat before she went.

Didnt hurt less. Still felt I didnt do enough for her.

C's parents were here because of some stuff and so they accompanied us when we went to bury her. They were gentle to me even if I have to hide my transness from them bcs they have a history of lgbtphobia.

But they were gentle to me, her father helped us dig the earth.

her mother told me stories of when a beloved dog of her died, how she said for her dog to go in peace because she saw him suffering, and he closed his eyes and went nearly same instant.

C helped me put her in the hammock she used before she died. we put rocks over so no animal would eat her if they dug that deep.

I put her in the hole, helped put the rocks and earth back in, we grabbed a broken brick that was there to mark where she was. I started to break twigs and put it around to mark it more.

C offered for me to eat ice cream with her and I accepted it. I just. asked for some time first.

I stayed behind, and I left the hollow feeling take me, and I did what I do when I'm overwhelmed with nothingness, and just. stayed singing.

I grabbed random thistle weeds and kept singing, put them together with tree grass, struggling to tie, but kept singing so my mind would be occupied.

I found where we dug. 6 feet from the border of a cemented part.

I arranged again the twigs, and I put the small bouquet over the brick, stared at it for a while, still singing for my feelings as they craved to get out and I couldn't handle crying more at that moment.

I left, and shared ice cream, laughs and pet C's animals.

... And here I am now. in my home, retelling Jabu stories while it's still fresh in my mind, so I can come back and read it sometime.

...

Goodbye, Jabuticaba. You were one lovely pet ret, and I hope you're having better times. Be it if there's nothing or if there are actual fields after death, I hope it's Peaceful.

Jabuticaba died 11/06/2023, died with 3 years, 2 months and 3 days.

One hell of a strong ratgirl.

#rant #vent #tw animal death #animal death #pet rat #digital diary #i guess #Jabuticaba #Jabu #jabu log #grief #idk #i'll want to search for this later.#photos

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