#Jersey shore cosmetics

[dove-da-birb]

My Makeup

People seemed interested, so this is a post of my makeup. I didn't include everything I have, as I have more moisturizers, setting powder, setting spray, and brushes. So yeah.

My favs will be bolded.

I use makeup for expression purposes; makeup has no gender babes.

People who seemed interested; @eynnwwyjth, @krenenbaker, @twistwonderlanddevotee, @silvers-numberonefan

Eyeshadow Palettes

Palette; Fierce by Nature from Morphe (I think it's out of circulation now)

1st Row; Trance, Consume, Frenzy, Power Play, Savage, The OG, Disrupt

2nd Row; Temptin', Flame Game, Ferocious, Come Alive, Major Hottie, Stun Wild, Embers

3rd Row; New Flame, Ball of Fire, Red Alert, Make Believe, Unstoppable, Explode, Hot Contents

4th Row; Domination, Full Blast, Ignition, Mesmerize, Inferno, In Command, Hypnotic

5th Row; Stamina, Warning Label, Combust, Outta Control, Smolder, Jolt, Smoked Out

Palette; Oh Boy by Morphe (out of circulation too I think)

1st Row; Hendrix, Derick, Benji, Maddox, Alexander

2nd Row; Jacob, Wyatt, Timmy, Carter, Liam

3rd Row; Max, Kai, Austin, Mace, Blake

4th Row; Bentley, Jax, Chris, Jonah, Oliver

5th Row; Paxton, Knox, Eli, Jace, Daniel

I only really have it to have a neutral palette just in case I need to do something more business or formal.

Palette; 18 Hit Wonder by e.l.f

1st Row; Supreme, Vibrant, Moss, Peachy, Quartz, Pave

2nd Row; Velvet, Electric, Evergreen, Solar, Heat, Candy

3rd Row; Royal, Shade, Element, Summer, Penny, Danger

I also use this to do some dorm-inspired makeup; plus look at that rainbow.

Single Eyeshadows (also blush and highlighters but I use them as eyeshadow too)

Starting at the top left;

Dito Galaxy Shade in Mars

Autobalm Day2Night in Lombard ST

Wander Beauty in Bouquet

Kaleido Cosmetics Skin Blush in Primadonna

Bottom row, left to right;

Nomad Cosmetics Desert Sands

Araceli Jalisco Eyes in Tequila

Estate Dew Me Baked Highlighter Powder in Lit

inmo cosmetics velveteen dream shadow in Kween Bee

Ciate London blush highlighter in Pinch Me

All from IPSY; why did they keep on sending me gold eyeshadows?

Foundations & Moisturizers

Left to right;

Camelina + Strobe Luminizing Primer (I use it as a highlighter)

tarte Maracuja Tinted Hydrator in 10N Fair Neutral

ColourPop Pretty Fresh Foundation in Light 40N

Formula 10.0.6 Thirst No More! Moisturizer

I mix the two shades together, but it also depends on the season. I don't wear foundation very often, so yeah.

Clear Lip Stuff

Left to right;

Bath & Body Works Pumpkin Cupcake

(Malin + Gotez) mojito lip balm

Ciate London Watermelon Burst Hydrating Lip Oil

Jersey Shore Cosmetics Watermelon Moisture Rich Hydrating Balm

Bath & Body Works Champagne Toast Lip Gloss

Lipsticks

Left to right;

e.l.f Sheer Matte Liquid Lipstick in Bright Poppy

Lottie London Slay All Day in Fleek

melt in rebound

Burt's Bees Tinted Lip Balm in Sienna Rose

e.l.f. Sheer Slick in Dragonfruit

bellapierre cosmetics Mineral Lipstick in Envy

Liquid Eyestuff

Left to right;

L.A. Colors Eye Marker in Blue

Covergirl Exhibitionist Lash Enhancing Liquid Eyeliner in Matte Black

Wet n Wild Mega Volume Mascara

item Lid Glaze in Lunar Drop

Kokie Profesional Crystal Fusion Liquid Eyeshadow in Polaris

[loungemermaid]

What do you think is entailed in a Victors responsibilities after winning the hunger games?

Do you have any headcanon?

Thank you so much.

@curiousnonny

Ooohh this is such a good question, thank you so much!!! I haven't fully fleshed out what I think happens but I have given it some thought, definitely.

I think for the most part they're like how our reality tv stars are today. I think Haymitch personally is "washed up", or more likely in my brain he washed himself up. I think Haymitch is very much a Bojack type who, other than mentoring, "doesn't get work" anymore.

Contrasting that with Finnick, who obviously works quite a bit. Of course, a great deal of that work is forced prostitution, but I imagine he's also at movie premiers, exclusive parties, fashion shows, all of that.

We don't know much about entertainment in the Capitol because Katniss doesn't watch much tv or participate in pop culture, before or after she wins the Games, but I have a very hard time believing that the only entertainment in the Capitol is the Hunger Games. It's the biggest thing, it's their Met Gala and Olympics and all the talent shows combined. It's the biggest part of their calendar, but it's not the only thing they've got going on. Just the biggest.

I think the Victors are treated a bit how we treat the stars of "trashy" reality tv shows(think Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Jersey Shore, Sixteen and Pregnant, all those wonderful mtv shows.....). I think the Capitol always think of the Victors as being District Trash(like white trash). They're always going to be considered "other" and while they're the biggest stars, from the biggest stage of the Capitol, they're not the same as Capitol-born celebrities. So, like the difference between Kim Kardashian and Anne Hatheway. Anne Hatheway is famous because she's a fantastic actress. Kim Kardashian is famous because of many reasons, most notably because she's Kim Kardashian.

So, let's go back to Finnick, because I think the comparison between him and Kim is a good one, lol. I think along with the prostitution, it's print ads, it's commercials, it's exclusive interviews, it's anything they can get his name on, because he sells. He might have even been in movies or other tv shows. And that's just the things he's explicitly in and needs to be present for. This isn't even mentioning tabloids, paparazzi, blogs, listicles, talk shows, mentions at award shows, everything, every bit of noise, always, all the time.

As far as what I imagine Katniss and Peeta would've had to do had the Quarter Quell gone differently, I think they also would've been trafficked, their marriage be damned. I think it would've been worse, actually, that they would've been a package deal. I think Katniss would've been in fashion shows, made to work in the fashion world for a good part of her life. I think she would've been forced to sing, no matter if she wanted to or not. Peeta would be a famous artist, but they'd find something else for him to do as well. The Victors having talents can't be an accidental thing, I think they are expected to perform, with whatever they've got. For a lot of them, I think that performance is sex. Most people are attractive enough, especially with hi-tech cosmetics and a team of stylists, and Finnick mentions that he's far from the only one, just the most popular. I think for others, like Beetee, who might not be particularly desirable, they think of something else. I think Beetee holds the same cultural role as Steve Jobs or Elon Musk to them(obviously not the political part but the "oh my god he's such a genius" way).

Whatever they end up doing, it's all a method of control. The Capitol uses them for whatever they need, to feed the machine, and to keep them in line. They have to make it look glamorous enough to keep the Capitol citizens watching. They need them to buy into this, that this is an opportunity for poor District people to rise above their station, to be able to work in ways they are truly passionate about, not just their District career. That the Games give them the opportunity to serve their country and be part of the highest honor a poor kid from the Districts could be.

As far as the actual Victors, they need to make sure they're occupied enough to ensure there's no rebellions. Even at the bare minimum, they're shipped up for the Games, unless they are too embarrassing(like Annie. My theory is they treat her like pre-liberated Britney.) If they're all too busy with the press and the Games and celebrity, they can't plan anything. I think that's why they don't send someone in to help Haymitch mentor.

So, all in all, I think their obligations are very similar to what modern celebrities do/are expected to do. I've been thinking of writing a popstar oc but I don't know that a) anyone would read it or b) that it wouldn't be just a rip-off of Sarah Lynn or worse, self-inserty. I need to finish a few stories before I get to her but I will be putting her in as a cameo in some of my things.

[espressodepressogirl]

Stupid thought but I'm gonna share it.

Last night I was watching jersey shore for shits and giggles. Mostly to make myself feel better since I'm sick.

It's wild to see what was considered drop dead gorgeous for women back then. Not that the girls aren't cute, they are, but Jesus christ on a hot dog bun things have changed. I wonder if it's the Instagram models or the rampant porn addiction men have, but those girls would be considered ugly by today's standards. And the whole first episode was talking about how sex they all were. It's wild to look back at that because they're pretty, but not like beyond what you could see in normal life.

Really hits home how impossible beauty standards are. The overabundance of gorgeous women makes average pretty women look vastly unappealing. The typical woman is now super ugly. It's brutal.

Makes me wonder if I would be considered less ugly back then. Probably not, since the beauty standard was to be extremely thin. At least cosmetic surgery wasn't all the rage, at least to the point it is now.

I wish I could just find a time or place I was the beauty standard. Even if it's not now I'd like to read how desirable my body type would be. At least knowing at some point I didn't look like pig ass would be nice.

[heavenboy09]

Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊 To You

A Very Amazing American Actress, Producer & Former Model

& She is Also The Daughter Of A Legendary Rockstar 👨‍🎤 🎸 Dad of a Famous Rock Band 🎸

Born On July 1st, 1977

She is an American actress. She began a modeling career at age 14 before making her film debut in Silent Fall (1994); she went on to achieve critical recognition with starring roles in Heavy and Empire Records (both 1995), as well as That Thing You Do! and Stealing Beauty (both 1996). She then appeared in films such as Inventing the Abbotts (1997), Armageddon (1998), Cookie's Fortune and Onegin (both 1999), Dr. T & the Women (2000), and One Night at McCool's (2001). She then played the elf Arwen Undómiel in the Lord of the Rings film trilogy (2001–2003), which became one of the highest-grossing film series in history.

Following the success of Lord of the Rings, She has appeared in a variety of roles, including the films Jersey Girl (2004), Lonesome Jim (2005), Reign Over Me (2007), The Strangers, The Incredible Hulk (both 2008), Super (2010), Space Station 76 (2014), Wildling (2018), and Ad Astra (2019). Outside of film, she starred in the HBO supernatural drama series The Leftovers (2014–2017), the BBC period drama series Gunpowder (2017), the ITV/Hulu period drama series Harlots (2018–2019) and the Fox procedural drama series 9-1-1: Lone Star (2020).

She is also a singer. Having sung with composer Howard Shore, she appeared as guest vocalist on The Lemonheads' album Varshons (2009) singing a cover of the Leonard Cohen song "Hey, That's No Way to Say Goodbye". She appeared on the 2017 bonus disk of Evan Dando's album Baby I'm Bored (2003) providing featured vocals for the song "Shots Is Fired". In 2011, she released her debut single, "Need You Tonight".

She has served as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador for the United States since 2003, and as a spokesperson for Givenchy's line of perfume and cosmetics. She is the daughter of Steven Tyler and Bebe Buell, although she has a very close relationship with her adoptive father Todd Rundgren.

Please Wish This Amazing Actress Of Incredible Acting Talent, A Very Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊

You May Know Her, But You Will Also Love Her

MS.LIV RUNDGREN TYLER

[espies-galaxy]

5 Affordable Beauty Products This Month

Dear World,

We live in a time where many men and women obsess over appearance. I will not lie, I am one who loves to look and feel pretty all the time. So since some pretty cool products are expensive, I decided I would try out Ipsy. Ipsy is a monthly subscription services that charges $10 per month and sends 4-5 sample products to your address in a small bag that has a different design every month. These bag designs change and what you receive every month changes, the products can range from make up to skin care and all personalized just for you.

This month I received some products that I am just absolutely obsessed with, so I figured I share with all of you!

1. Rodial: Smokey Eye Pen in Black

Personally, I have never tried smokey eyes because I have very small eyes and never thought it would work. Well, I got it and felt adventurous and it turns out that it does look super amazing and that even small eyes can be smokey. As for the product, it is very smooth to put on and easy to blend out to make it smokey. It lasts quite a while which is even better especially for special events.

You can order this online from Rodial US (make sure it is US because they have a UK shipping place too.) It is a bit pricey at $21.00 but you do not need a lot to make it work and it is not an everyday make-up style.

2. Jersey Shore Cosmetics: Mongongo Lip Conditioner in Vanilla Coconut Cream

Being on a medication that makes everything super dry especially my lips I was super excited to have received this. It does not clump or make it look like just your lips are sweating, which is nice because much like no one likes lotions that make them look and feel greasy, I am pretty sure no one likes chapsticks that are the same way. On the website to order it, you have the choice of .15 oz tube or .25 oz tube along with other flavors(?)!

You can order this from the Jersey Shore Cosmetics website and this is not to bad for a good quality chapstick at $10.00 a tube.

3. It: 12-In-One Amazing Leave-In Treatment

I will make this product short and sweet. This is for sure something I will buy again it makes your hair smell and feel like when you have just left the salon and I know I cannot possibly be the only to like that.

You can get this product on Amazon for $11.94 a bottle before shipping.

4. LORD&BERRY: 20100 Maximatte Limited Edition

I am deeply in love with the color of this lipstick! Since I have such pale skin some lipsticks can make me look even more pale -- yes I know I could not wear them but there are different colors for different seasons and skin types, and yeah. However, this one much like a Marc Jacobs one I have received before is so subtle and classic. It is smooth but not creamy and helps keep your lips moisturized even though it is a matte lip.

It is also a little pricey but it is not bad because you can sharpen it down. On the website it is $20.00.

And last but most certainly not least for my August Glam Bag!

5. NYX: BORN TO GLOW LIQUID ILLUMINATOR

Of all the products I received I was very excited to get this one because I have yet to try an illuminator and was curious to see how it looked and worked. Again, since I am very pale this was very intense on my face unless mixed with a lighter highlighter, which is easily done. I actually use this as a liquid eyeshadow and I fell in love with it because it made my eyes look a really pretty grey, rusty blue color!

This product can be found on the NYX website for $7.50 or possibly in stores at places like Target or Walmart!

All of these products are super amazing and much like other bags I have received. I fully intend to buy certain products if they run out, which is sort of the point you know?

Sincerely,

Your Glam Bag Queen

(originally written by me August 22, 2016)

[jacodmartinus]

Dr. DiFazio’s experience in prosthodontics is unsurpassed in the area. He is also among the first dental implantologist in the area, has been repeatedly named one of America’s Top Dentists (Prosthodontist) by the Consumer Research Council of America, and continues to teach leading-edge techniques to dentists from around the globe. https://www.drdifazio.com/about-dr-difazio/

[notabeautyblogger]

July’s Ipsy Glam Bag This month’s bag came in a cute gudetama bag and I was selected for the ipsy rewards program so the outer packaging was gold instead of the usual hot pink. This month I received:

-Ciaté Wonderwand Gel Kohl Liner in black   Rating: 3/10   Review: this eyeliner is honestly just ok. Its no better or worse than any drugstore liner I've ever used. The formula is very stiff and firm and I think calling this a gel liner is definitely a lie. Its much to rough to use on my waterline and you have to press really hard to get a continuous line. The other end of this liner has a small angled brush meant for smudging but honestly all it does is make a mess. Its somehow too stiff and too soft and malleable at the same time. I would definitely not repurchase.

-Beau Gachis Illuminator Brush

  Rating: 10/10

  Review: Omg I am in love with this brush!!! It works perfectly with the Nomad highlighter I got this month as well. It’s tapered tip makes it so dreamy for powder highlighters in the inner creases of my eye and right under the arch of my eyebrow. It’s not my favorite brush for my cupids bow but it gets the job done. It’s great for precise highlight on the cheekbones, especially if you plan to blend it out more. There is nothing I would change about this brush. I would absolutely repurchase. 

-Jersey Shore Cosmetics Mandarin Green Orange and Ginger Lip Conditioner

  Rating: 0/10

  Review:Ughhh this lip balm was awful. It kinda smelled like bread mold and something sort of sour and acidic like if you threw up in your mouth a little bit. The formula was also awful; super greasy and slippery and it didn’t sink into my lips after any amount of time. An all around awful product, I ended up throwing it away. I would absolutely not repurchase.

-Nomad x Stockholm Cosmetics Illuminating Highlighter in Midnight Sun

  Raiting: 9/10

  Review: Wowie I love this highlighter so much! After trying this out it became my favorite everyday powder highlighter. I like to start with a based of a cream highlighter (my current fave is Colourpop’s Super Shock highlighter in Flexitarian) and then top it with a powder highlighter and this is the absolute perfect product for that. The color is a light champagne color with an almost cream colored shimmer in the light with a light rose type base. My only complaint about this product is that it has kind of a lot of fallout if you’re not careful. I would absolutely repurchase, in fact I’m trying to order one right now

-Tarte Amazonian Clay Waterproof Bronzer

  Rating: 4/10

  Review: While this bronzer is super blendable and long lasting the color is just not for me. This bronzer is sooooo shimmery which makes it terrible for contouring. Thee color is also a no go for my skin, I’m just too pale and red toned for such a warm bronzer. I think someone with darker skin and warmer undertones would probably like this product more but for me and my specific skin, it was kind of a mess. I wouldn’t repurchase this product.

Overall, this moth’s bag was just ok. I am 100% crazy in love with the Nomad Highlighter and the Baeu Gachis illuminating brush and have made them part of my daily routine. The eyeliner and the bronzer were fine and will probably just hang out in my make up bag to use in emergencies when I run out of my normal faves. Averaged out, this month’s bag gets 5.2 out of 10 stars

[healthcarebuilders]

A renowned expert in his field, Dr. DiFazio has been recognized in many national and local publications for his expertise and achievements and completed his residency at the prestigious Memorial Hospital in New York City. Dr. DiFazio is a skilled prosthodontist with extensive knowledge and experience.Friendly, down-to-earth and approachable, Dr. DiFazio continues to live up to his reputation as a premier prosthodontist--he was recently ranked one of America’s top Dentists (Prosthodontist) by the consumer site HealthGrades.

Joseph DiFazio, DMD, FACP

[unpopularfanopinion]

More random musings but I’m starting to think the whole “fiction affects reality” is one big con game to prevent people from looking deeper and seeing/solving the real systemic and institutional issues.

Like for example the whole Jaws Effect myth where a 40+ year old movie is blamed for the death of millions of sharks a year. Spoken of so matter of factly and with the implication that before Jaws people had no thoughts or fear of sharks before then, and as if sharks weren’t hunted by the millions before Jaws was even a glimmer of an idea in the author’s head(let alone greenlit to become a movie)

People who so confidently cite “The Jaws Effect” as proof that “fiction impacts reality” never seem to ever be aware of real life events that inspired Jaws and some of it’s characters

 https://www.history.com/news/the-real-life-jaws-that-terrorized-the-jersey-shore  (most cited inspiration)

https://historydaily.org/black-december-sharks-attacks-bomb-ocean(I suspect these attacks might also have been an influence on the story)

They’re not aware of various books, news stories, and documentaries that all paint sharks as vicious predators(the term shark infested waters was around long before Jaws came around)

https://www.amazon.com/Shark-Attack-Victor-Coppleson/dp/0207153507 (first published in 1958, a supposedly scientific book that popularized the rogue shark myth central to Jaws, and convinced people to change the term of shark accident to shark attack)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXBWW7ecdzw&t=181s The shark menace

https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/150-years/sd-me-150-years-june-15-htmlstory.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLd359WJZQ4 Tv spot for the non-fiction documentary Blue Water, White Death9also titled Man-eater)

Even moving away from from non-fiction creating a aura of fear and suspscion around sharks there were killer shark featured in movies before Jaws

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzxeYrmyr7k 1950 movie called Killer Shark

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyDGRZE6Jp0 1965 James Ball scene feature a shark pool

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pEvib3iJWw (movie has multiple titles of Shark!, Caine, and Man-eater) released 1969 and a piece of gruesome trivia a stuntman was killed by a shark during the making of this movie.

So yeah people did not have a very good opinion of sharks before Jaws was created. The real kicker is that none of those things I listed are why sharks are hunted as much as they are.  Nope that’s all down to good old human greed and capitalism.

Shark and ray fishing is a multi-billion dollar industry https://fishgame.com/2021/09/shark-ray-meat-a-2-6-billion-trade/

https://www.greenpeace.org/international/story/46967/100-million-dead-sharks-its-not-all-about-shark-fin-soup/ The most commonly cited reason for shark fishing in shark fin soup, but shark meat in general is sold and eaten. Cartliage from sharks is used in various supplement, and squalane(made from oil in the shark liver is used in cosmetics https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squalane) Shark meat has even been found in pet food https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/endangered-shark-meat-might-be-hiding-in-your-pets-food-180979682/

Blaming Jaws for the death of millions of sharks every year is just a lazy way to avoid taking a long hard look at their own action/purchases and never need to question if they might possibly be fueling the demand for dead sharks.

But do the people who quote the Jaws effect as their proof and justification of “fiction effects reality” know or care about any of that. No of course not. Do they care probably not. Because at the end of the day “Fiction impacts Reality” is the same as the claim of “pro-life” from republicans. It’s a piece of leverage that they use to justify being able to tell you what to do. It’s a club to beat you over the head with. Because antis are really just the conservatives of fandom, everything they say and do is about them having power and no accountability. 

[hellololla]

Jersey, Channel Islands (Part I)

Jersey is an island and self-governing British Crown Dependency near the coast of north-west France. It is the largest of the Channel Islands (118.2 square kilometres or 45.6 sq mi) and is located 22km (14 miles) from the Cotentin peninsula in Normandy, France. It has a coastline that is 70 km long and measures roughly 9 miles from west to east and 5 miles north to south, which gives it the affectionate name among locals of "nine-by-five".

The island is divided into twelve parishes (all named after their parish church), the largest of which is St Ouen and the smallest of which is St Clement. The island is characterised by a number of valleys which generally run north-to-south, such as Waterworks Valley, Grands Vaux, Mont les Vaux, although a few run in other directions, such as Le Mourier Valley. The highest point on the island is Les Platons at 136 m. Jersey was part of the Duchy of Normandy, whose dukes went on to become kings of England from 1066. After Normandy was lost by the kings of England in the 13th century, and the ducal title surrendered to France, Jersey remained loyal to the English Crown, though never became part of the Kingdom of England.

Jersey is a self-governing parliamentary democracy under a constitutional monarchy, with its own financial, legal and judicial systems. Jersey is not part of the United Kingdom and has an international identity separate from that of the UK, but the UK is constitutionally responsible for the defence of Jersey.

The island has a large financial services industry, which generates 40% of its GVA. British cultural influence on the island is evident in its use of English as the main language and Pound sterling as its primary currency. Additional British cultural commonalities include driving on the left, access to British television and newspapers, a school curriculum following that of England and the popularity of British sports, including cricket. The island also has a strong Norman-French culture, such as its ancient Norman language Jèrriais and place names with French or Norman origins.

01. Jersey airport

02. Old shed for the defunct Jersey Airlines

03. Rozel Bay, the closest beach to where I used to live. I would walk there  down Rozel Valley through the daffodil fields until I reached the shore.

04. A simple burger at the Hungry Man, Rozel’s most famous beach café. I loved walking there to get a coffee and watch the waves, while throwing muffin crumbs to the ducks. The tiny colourful houses on the background are beach huts.

05. Another view of Rozel. The tide is low, exposing the sandy beach.There used to be a lovely seafood restaurant on the seafront (the blue square house in the center of the picture), but I believe it’s now closed.

06. Jersey has 19 beaches and they are home to a plethora of fauna and flora. Masses of succulents cascade down the sunny rocks, providing shelter for little lizards.

07. This is where the old abattoir used to be, and in recent years it was turned into a mall. It wasn’t very popular. Retail isn’t one of Jersey’s strong points; there aren’t enough inhabitants to justify having a lot of shops. People do their shopping online (Ebay, Amazon, etc. but several retailers won’t deliver to Channel Islands postcodes), take weekend shopping trips to the UK or France or get by with whatever is available locally. The upside: Jersey doesn’t charge VAT tax, meaning that anything bought in the island or coming into the island from the UK is at least 20% cheaper - hence the many cosmetics/perfume shops, very popular with locals and tourists.

08. and 09. The parish of Saint Helier is Jersey’s capital and main retail area. There are plenty cafés, restaurants and shops, and also houses the bus station to where the vast majority of bus lines converge. Public transport isn’t a strong point either, as most people have cars and never take the buses.

10. Le Crapaud, the toad statue in Saint Helier in honour of the nickname given to the Jersey people by the french. It’s sometimes used as a meeting point; “see you at three by the toad!”

[engaged19times]

RHONJ Recrap - season 11, ep 1 - C U Next Tuesday!

Greetings fellow prostitution whores and welcome to my new weekly recrap of American institution The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Before I jump in I’ll introduce myself by saying that I’m a housewives super fan (I even watched DC, an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst sister-in-law), an underemployed comedy writer (I can’t define “napalm” either, Lauren Manzo), and nothing makes me happier than to watch 6 bedazzled hypocrites in Cheesecake Factory mansions argue etiquette and loyalty between physical altercations in the world renowned cultural hub of Paterson, New Jersey. I know essay recaps are a bit of a relic but I am fond of ye olde written word so please enjoy this blast from the past, you scumbags!

We open without fanfare mid-scene to red-eyed Jackie and dead-eyed Teresa sitting in Margaret’s partially finished, wallpaper smothered home. We get the Bad Girls Club black-and-white flashes but unlike in Beverly Hills we’re not flashing to “three months earlier” but instead to “three days earlier.” It might take women of less gumption precious time to build to a production-halting confrontation but it only takes these agents of chaos half a week to get the meatball rolling.

Let’s back up a little to the ominous “three days prior” and catch up with our hot girls. It’s Jackie’s giant hot husband’s 46th birthday so she’s throwing him a party under a tent in the parking lot of a Greek restaurant. We learn that Teresa and Joe’s father has sadly passed in the offseason and Dolores Thee Stallion and Margaret have both had full cosmetic overhauls - Dolores with a second butt enhancement that left her with a giant hip scar rivaled only by Sally from Nightmare before Christmas and Margaret with a boob lift and apparent nipple sharpening (is that a procedure?) that she advertises in a blush silk top with no bra. Never one to be outdone at a parking lot birthday party, Joe Gorga arrives with his storyline - I mean wife, Melissa - also smuggling raisins under a skin tight children’s white T-shirt. Nipples are trending, ladies!

The Nightmare Before Christmas.

A beautiful boob lift.

Tarzan’s headlights.

Margaret’s hot employee Lexi and Teresa’s hot realtor Michelle (both of whom are official friends-of this year), as well as iconic social wrecking ball and Aydin Center for Plastic Surgery mascot Jennifer all saunter in for car park cocktails at this 3D nipple fashion show and as the night devolves we see the cast getting truly shit-housed on shots when out of nowhere storyline sniper Teresa drops the bomb that she heard sexy birthday Bigfoot Evan is cheating on Jackie... more specifically, that he “does stuff” at the gym but mysteriously can’t remember any details or where she heard this head-scratching accusation that draws as many gasps as it does “huhs?” Honest straight people question: do y’all hook up at gyms? And if so, where? Are there co-ed saunas now? Also can one of you explain the allure of Mike and Molly to me? Moving on. Most shocking was that the Perez Hilton of North Jersey doesn’t just drop this wild accusation once, she gleefully skips through this asphalt soiree like a goddamn town crier, addressing everyone she passes like Belle through the town square.

The next day the hard partying crew of Jersey Shore: All Grown Up recovers from their throbbing hangovers and we see cool mom Melissa traipsing through her particle board mausoleum in see-through sweatpants with a visible thong in front of her kids’ friends (you girls keep me young!), Marge Sr. driving a blue Mini Cooper with eyelashes on the headlights (which I assume are like the spinning rims of the Jersey Grandma community), and a flashback of Margaret’s Joe puking next to a tree (relatable, my dude).

Marge Sr.: Fully Loaded.

You girls keep me young!

Over at Jennifer’s palatial child farm we learn that her parents fight so much these days that she moved her father (Carl from Up!) to her multi-generational compound which has only angered her mother more.

Jennifer’s sweet dad.

We then find out Dolores’s dry boyfriend David with whom she shares the burning passion of a melting ice sculpture now lives with her bulging slab of a son Frankie Jr. in the house he and Delores built together but Dolores curiously still lives with her also bulging but slightly slimey ex Frank Sr. in her original house, a near Braunwyn-level web of over-explained but still vague relationship fuckery of which none of them seem on the same page. Dolores hid her surgery from David until the day before, David still works constantly so she hangs out with her ex all the time, and I can’t help but think that we aren’t getting the full story on whatever the fuck is happening under these two roofs. Are they brother-husbands? Is Frank Sr. piping both of them? Can Frankie Jr. DM me his nudes please? The only one being straight-forward in these duel households of confusion is Dolores’s dog who is simply named Dog and I honestly appreciate his refreshing transparency.

Dog Catania, king of transparency.

Finally, Jackie calls Teresa to organize an infamous Jersey sit-down because she somehow got wind of the out-of-thin-air accusations that Teresa all but presented with a bull horn and a PowerPoint at Evan’s parking lot social. They decide to meet at Margaret’s partially constructed house/ wallpaper showroom because it’s neutral territory to hash things out in a relaxing landscape of ladders and contrasting patterns and the tension is so thick you could cut it with one of Margaret’s newly renovated nipples.

Jackie pleads with Tre to clear her husband’s good name and Tre enters a baffling Kelly-Anne Conway bullshit loop which includes such hits as “woman to woman, if I heard this you wouldn’t want me to tell you?” (a reasonable point which is actually working against Teresa because it’s the opposite of what she did), then explaining to Margaret the immediately contradictory “I didn’t tell her and it’s not like I told Evan, I told my friends” (which is an explanation of what she obviously did wrong but said in the tone of a defense), the wacky last ditch nonsense deflection “Alright let me tell you the reason why I did it. This year, now, you know I’m single now. I’ve been approached by a lot of married men that think that it’s OK to have affairs,” and finally just saying fuck it and rewriting history “I did not spread a rumor, I heard a rumor.”

The truth is that Teresa was retaliating for a cheating rumor Jackie entertained about her last year but neither can be held to such unreasonable expectations like addressing reality or admitting fault which is actually ideal because if I cared to see emotionally mature community leaders converse thoughtfully I’d watch Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday not this unhinged turnpike circus.

Jackie’s rival won’t budge so she chooses the nuclear option, looks the reigning matriarch of Paterson in her vacant eyes, and declares confidently “I heard Gia snorts coke in the bathroom at parties” which stopped time on Earth as far as I’m concerned. Is this wild accusation true? Probably not. Was this retaliatory tit equal to the offending tat? Debatable. Do I blame Teresa for immediately whipping into a tailspin and storming out screaming the C-word (no Kathy Wakile, not “canoli kit”) at Jackie no less than 80 times? Girl, no I do not. Jackie has since clarified (backtracked?) that this was an analogy not a rumor she heard which... OK, and whether or not either of the atomic bombs dropped in this breakneck premiere were true, I’m excited to watch our Paterson superstars battle it out for another batshit season!

Esteemed poet laureat of Paterson, NJ.

Join me and my own rock hard nipples next week to recrap a girls trip to Lake George, more developments in the case of Jackie vs Teresa: Jersey Crime Story, and hopefully another cameo by breakout superstar Dog Catania! Please share this recrap with the prostitution whores in your life if you enjoy and follow me on Tumblr (engaged19times), Insta (@engagednineteentimes), and Twitter (@_engaged19times)! I’m recrapping weekly but I don’t get screeners (yet) and it takes me a few days to catch up so please be patient!

XO engaged19times

[dove-da-birb]

4, 10, 18

4. Lotion

I currently don’t use lotion, but I’m probably going to use Fairytale from Bath & Bodywork’s during the winter. I also have White Jasmine, also by Bath & Bodywork's.

10. Eyeshadow (I'm doing my main palettes and singles)

Morphe Oh Boy 25 shade palette. This is my 'brown' palette. Nothing fancy or flashy, but reliable for more business and casual settings.

Morphe Fierce by Nature 35 shade palette. It has a mix of pinks, reds, brown, and then a gold glitter, and two green shades. This palette is my favourite just due to the neon colours (green, pink, orange).

e.l.f's 18 Hit Wonder palette. Contains some more colourful options and bright pigments.

item lid glaze in Lunar Drop. A super pretty pale gold liquid eyeshadow.

18. Lip products

Jersey Shore Cosmetics Watermelon Moisture Rich Hydrating Lipbalm

bellapierre cosmetics mineral lipstick in the shade Envy

melt liquid lipstick in the shade rebound

[tittyhq]

Introducing COREY “TITTY” PETITO !

Hey, MTV! I’m Corey Petito, but everyone just calls me Titty on account of my last name and also because they rejected me from astronaut school since NASA was afraid my tits would cause a solar eclipse if I went to the moon. I just turned 21, but I’ve been making margaritas for my mother since I was 9. My parents never got married because I was a one night stand baby so you can all see where I get my healthy relationships from. My special skills include rollerskating, finding strangers on social media, and giving really good head.

I’m from Hoboken, New Jersey, but like not the boujee part of Hoboken near the water and shit. I’m in the part where the homeless people that are too poor for NYC just hangout. Some of them are kinda cool-- shoutout to Drew that hangs outside my bodega and tells me my ass is juicy every day. I’ll miss you this summer, man.

“Tell us what you do during the year.”

What do I do during the year? Uh well I was going to school for a bit and then the money was too much so I dropped out. It’s cool though, I’m just trying to save up money to go back because I really want to start a makeup line. Makeup is the one thing I don’t fuck around with. My purse? Fake. My shoes? Fake. My Earrings? Turning my ears green. I will never put shitty makeup on my face though, that’s like a crime. If I see you wearing e.l.f. or Wet N Wild then I’m going to publicly shame you. I don’t punch bitches that wear cheap makeup though because I don’t want to bust their faces up anymore than they already are.

I’m hoping I can get a cosmetics line or something if the show does well. I mean like. . . Snooki had her tanning shit and Jwoww had lipsticks for like a hot sec.

“What do you do for work?”

Don’t worry about it.

“Okay, how did you hear about the show.”

When I first heard about the casting call it was through some MTV casting person hitting me up on instagram. At first I thought it was a sex trafficking scheme when she asked me to come audition, but my mom always says that no one would even kidnap me on account of them not wanting to deal with my shit so I took my chances.

I’ve been watching Jersey Shore since I was like. . . 11. That’s probably why I’m a whore and love d*** and p**** as much as I do. . . Am I allowed to say that? The second wave Sexual Revolution happened, you’d think I’d be able to say d**** and p****** on TV now. . . I can’t? Can I say c*** at least?. . . What if I’m talking about a rooster? You guys are really f****** oppressive to farmers apparently.

Anyway, I’m here to have the summer of a life time!! I just want to f*** a lot and leave with a lil found family. I also really want to f*** Danny Merk. . . don’t tell his wife I said that.

[creestaaal]

Jersey Shore Cosmetics 

✨Gold Leaf✨ @Jerseyshorecosmetics ➡️ Gold Leaf highlighter is soooo versatile🙌🏼 I’m using it here as a lip balm 💄bahahahaha because why not!!!!! First impressions:I been testing out @jerseyshorecosmetics cream highlighters and they really are super concentrated😁a little goes a long way!! @jerseyshorecosmetics is a 🐰Cruelty-Free beauty company with many 🌱Vegan- Friendly products 🙌🏼 another thing I…

[johnsimon]

Our friends at Illumination PR kicked off a NYFW with a fabulous Beauty bar, held in the Penthouse suite of The Time New York Hotel in NYC. The two-day beauty bar was hosted lots of media and celebrity guests like Christina Milian, Morgan ‘Careless Morgan’ Hanbery, Emma Myles, Doctor Mike, Eden Sassoon, Danielle Staub, Richard Kind, Maggie Geha, Chelsea Spack and so much more. While we were there, we spotted Nicole ‘SNOOKI’ Polizzi and Jenni ‘JWOWW’ Farley filming their popular Youtube show at the Beauty Bar. Everyone was on hand to pick up some amazing swag from some of today’s top brands. For example, celebrities walked away with a luxury 4-night, 5-day stay at CeBlue Villas & Beach Resort in one of their incredible private villas on the pristine white beaches and turquoise waters of Crocus Bay in Anguilla. We’ve been to Anguilla and it is AMAZING!

So what amazing brands were on hand? Let us tell you all about them:

Humble Brands: They have all-natural deodorant that leaves you dry and smelling fresh but incorporates only 4 to 5 simple ingredients that are natural, organic and harmless to our skin and bodies. Scents include Cedarwood and Lavender.

Karma Athletics: While there are many athletic brands out there, they have nothing on Karma Athletics. The line was designed and created with a focus on fashion, fit and performance. Fabrics are specially created and tailored for your active life. They are also having a great sale right now, check out their website.

The 125 Collection: Candles from The 125 Collection are a must-have. Quotes are hot right now, especially the sassy ones. The 125 Collection combines your love of candles and quotes with their  100% soy, non-toxic line. Our favorite, Namest’ay in Bed! They also do custom orders.

Boxed Water Is Better: The name speaks for itself. Each carton is recyclable, 100% BPA free, and made using paper from well-managed forests. The water is not the best tasting but it gets the job done when you’re thirsty.

Jersey Shore Cosmetics: Founded by Jersey mom Jacquelyn Foster-Quattro, the non-toxic beauty line includes Makeup, Makeup accessories, Sun protection, Kids products, and so much more. Jacquelyn prides herself on creating a line that is free of harmful ingredients. The packaging is also recyclable.

Princess Cupcake Jones: Children’s book from Princess Cupcake Jones are loved around the world and by many celebrities. The series now has two books that we highly recommend for your little ones, Princess Cupcake Jones and the Missing Tut and Princess Cupcake Jones Won’t Go To School.

10 Buck Brush: For only $10 each, you can have affordable makeup brushes. We all know they can be a bit pricey but 10 Buck Brush offers high-quality brushes that won’t break your pockets. Each brush comes with a lifetime warranty! You can’t beat that.

Ilushess: The company specializes in luscious handcrafted mink eyelashes and gorgeous eyeshadows. What we love most is that all products are cruelty-free.

Better Brows NYC: The brow business is booming. At Better Brows NYC, they specialize in Microblading. This is a new tattoo technique that fills brows out or reshapes them by drawing on tiny lines that look like individual hairs.

Prettylittlething.com: Pretty Little Thing is the latest e-commerce site to find fun and flirty clothes and shoes.

Get Naked Bath and Body Co.: The beauty brand makes bathing fun with their bath bombs and body scrubs. You can find bath bombs as affordable as $5. The Barbies Coffin scrub is one of our favorites. All products are handmade and include natural ingredients.

JANE INC.: Bring the spa to your home with Jane Inc. They have a soothing line of essential oils, sleep mask, bath tonics, teas, and so much more. Since 1992, the mother and daughter company has been providing their customers with “comfort and joy.” We are in love with the sleep oil.

Thanks to the wonderful folks at Illumination PR NYFW Celebrity Beauty Bar for making our New York Fashion Week so much better. For more information on Illumination PR, visit illuminationpr.com.

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  @illuminationpr #NYFW Celebrity Beauty Bar Our friends at Illumination PR kicked off a NYFW with a fabulous Beauty bar, held in the Penthouse suite of The Time New York Hotel in NYC.

[soledadsnp]

Jersey Shore Cosmetics: All Natural Radiant Gold Leaf Highlighter http://ift.tt/2j4dI7h