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howlingday · 2 months ago

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Neptune & Sun Help Jaune

Jaune: ...

Sun: No shit?! She actually said yes?!

Neptune: Way to go~! She's one hell of a girl~!

Jaune: ...

Sun: ...

Neptune: ...I'm guessing there's a "but" in this?

Jaune: It's just... I spent half of my life in the Ever After, right? It just hit me that I've never been on a real date. I bet I'm gonna screw this up with her right away...

Neptune: Oh, I get it! You're nervous!

Sun: Hey, at the end of the day, dates come and go. No need to stress out over it.

Jaune: But what if everything goes to shit and she hates me? What if she never wants to see me again?!

Jaune: Forget it! I've gotta call this whole thing off!

Sun: Then she's DEFINITELY going to hate you if you cancel on her now.

Jaune: Then what am I supposed to do?! Where do we even go? What do we eat? What do we talk about? I never thought about this until now!

Neptune: Alright, alright. Take a deep breath, and let the experts help you out~.

Sun: Hell yeah! We've got this~!

Jaune: Wait, you mean... You guys know about dating?!

Neptune: (Shrugs) About as much as the next guy.

Sun: This is your big chance, man. We're gonna help you make the most of it.

Jaune: Guys... I COULD NEVER PAY YOU BACK~!

Sun: Alright, alright. Let's get started. What's first when it comes to date prep?

Neptune: Easy; first thing you need to do is calm down. Dates aren't anything except two people getting to know each other. All you gotta do is act natural.

Jaune: That makes sense... Act natural!

Sun: What? No way that's it!

Jaune: Huh?

Neptune: What?

Sun: A woman's not looking to just chew the fat on the first date. You wanna give her a night she'll never forget~! Screw acting natural! You've gotta know how to perform~!

Jaune: That... also makes sense. I've gotta go all out for her!

Jaune: ...Hang on, that's the exact opposite of what Neptune was saying. Who do I go with here?

Sun: C'mon, man... Have I ever steered you wrong~? Besides, how many dates do you think HE's been on?

Neptune: Wooow... Well, if you're so experienced, Master Sun, how come you're still a lonely, old bachelor?

Sun: Gee, I dunno, Neptune. Maybe you should ask yourself the same question?!

Neptune: ...Guess being partners doesn't mean jack to you, huh?

Jaune: Uh... G-Guys...?

Sun: Alright! How about this? The three of us will hit the town! Neptune and I will give you some pointers. And as for whose advice you take, well... That's really all on you, huh? Sound good?

Neptune: Sounds like a plan to me. Of course, my advice is what'll work. But without further ado...

Jaune: Yeah! Lead the way~!

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Jaune: So... What are we doing here at the bullhead station?

Sun: Mouth shut, eyes open, Jaune. School is already in session.

Jaune: Uh... Okay?

Sun: Sun Wukong's The Art of Love, Lesson 1: "How to play the waiting game"!

Jaune: "The waiting game"?

Sun: Listen. The date's begun the moment you reach the meeting spot and assume the position. It is absolutely VITAL that you arrive ahead of time! Then, you wait like a man! Like your life depends on it! And remember; when the girl arrives, she's going to look at you and register a full impression, an impression that's gonna last her a lifetime!

Jaune: Got it! First impressions!

Neptune: He's got a point. Alright, Jaune. Show us how you're gonna wait for your date.

Jaune: Okay, I... Wait. Don't I just... y'know, stand around?

Neptune: Nope. You're stiff as a board. Every fiber of your body looks nervous. You want your date to feel comfortable, right?

Jaune: R-Really? Then, how should I stand?

Neptune: Heh heh heh... I never said anything about standing~. Here, why don't you park your butt right here on the bench? Maybe take a little snooze while you're waiting?

Jaune: Huh?! You want me to fall asleep?!

Neptune: I told you before; dates should be natural. What's more natural than seeing someone at their most vulnerable, like they were asleep?

Jaune: That.... makes sense, I guess...

Neptune: When you date comes on by, she'll be all like, "Wow~! Jauney's so relaxed around me~! Aww, and he looks like a little puppy dog while he's sleeping~!"

Neptune: SHE'LL WANNA PROTECT YOU~!

Jaune: Uh... Are you sure about that? What do you think, Sun?

Sun: Dude... Dozing off before a date? Even I wouldn't do that! What'd I tell you before? A girl wants to feel special on a date. And to get that, you need to work on your posture.

Jaune: How do I make her feel special before she even gets here? What would I even do?

Sun: First of all, you want to get to your date spot 30 minutes early. Then you stand silent, like a statue. Don't look around. Just hold your gaze firmly in the direction she'll be coming from!

Sun: I can already see it now... Your date will show up and think, "When did Jaune get so stoic and manly~? Could he have been saving this side of him just for me~?!"

Sun: Got it?

Jaune: I... I think I do... I'll be showing her my dedication!

Neptune: Well, you can't do both... So, which advice are you gonna take?

Jaune: Uh... If I have to choose...

)Sit and act natural, like Neptune )>Stand and pose, like Sun

Jaune: I gotta trust Sun on this one. I'll stand and wait for her~!

Neptune: Huh? Why?

Jaune: Because... well, if I got here and saw my date konked out on the bench, I'd think she was exhausted. I'd worry the whole time that she's too tired to enjoy the date.

Neptune: Oh, well... That does make sense...

Sun: Damn right, Jaune~! You gotta stand firm! Every man worth his aura would do the same~!

Jaune: Uh, I dunno if that's really how I want to imagine this date. And I'd rather not scare her off. But I have to admit, I don't really get how my posture would matter, either. I'll make sure not to look too tired or sloppy. Thanks~!

Neptune: Mm... Alright, you got this round, Sun... But there's still plenty of lessons up ahead!

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Sun: Alright! Here comes Sun Wukong's The Art of Love, Lesson 2: "Location, location, location"!

Jaune: Alright~! This is exactly what I need! If you've got something fancy, that'd be great~!

Sun: Who said anything about fancy?

Jaune: C'mon! Even I know this one! It's gotta be Northern Valian, or maybe Southern Valian, or some other high-end spot to impress her, right?

Sun/Neptune: (Heavy sigh)

Jaune: ...Am I wrong?

Neptune: All this talk about fancy restaurants... Jaune, forget what the manual tells you.

Sun: Exactly. If you pick something too cliche and obvious, the day's not gonna feel special. Jaune, you need to pick out a spot that says you picked it out for HER.

Jaune: Picked it out for her...? Like what?

Sun: Heh heh... This place right here~.

Jaune: Huh? This... curry place?

Sun: This place has a secret dish with a spice level of 100. That's a 1.2 million on the Scoville scale, 500 times spicier than your average hot sauce!

Jaune: 500 TIMES?!

Sun: (Nods) That's right... Even the most spice-hardened bastards run from those numbers. No one's ever finished a whole bowl. Now tell me something... What'll your date think when you've conquered such a beast before her very eyes?

Jaune: Well, I'm... not really a spicy food guy...

Sun: Moron... The point is to watch you suffer! Let her see you wipin' the sweat from your brow! It's the struggle that's sexy! She'll be putty in your hands~!

Jaune: R-Really?

Neptune: Of course not! What happens when the curry wins? You'll be left a quivering, snotty mess!

Jaune: True...

Neptune: Listen to me when I tell you to act natural. Don't try to be someone you're not. Go somewhere you always go. And don't bother tripping over yourself finding somewhere new.

Jaune: Well, uh... About that... For me, that's mostly just noodles at the noodle cart.

Neptune: (Shrugs) Then just have some noodles.

Jaune: Noodles on a date?!

Neptune: You think it's against the law or somethin'? All that matters is that you stay relaxed! And right now, that means noodles.

Jaune: W-Well, I would be pretty nervous heading to a Valian place, so there's that...

Sun: Dumbass! Noodles don't win hearts! Spice level 100's the way to go~!

Jaune: Are my options really noodles or the hottest curry on Remnant?!

Sun: Well, you could always just give up, wallow in your indecision, grow old and alone... Now hurry up and make a decision!

Jaune: Seriously?! Man... Well, if I have to choose, then...

)>Do as Neptune says, and pick noodles. )Do as Sun suggests, and choose curry.

Jaune: Then it's the noodles, I guess.

Sun: What?! Noodles on a date?! Are you out of your mind?!

Jaune: Sure, it's not perfect, but I keep thinking about what my date is going to do while I'm scarfing down curry... Nothing.

Sun: Well, she- Y'know! She's watching you with pride! She's in awe of your- your bravery!

Jaune: Uh... Are we talking about the same girl here? Like, am I just taking this girl out to perform tricks for her?

Sun: No duh! It's about impressing her!

Jaune: Maybe, but... Isn't the point of a date to talk to each other? I'd rather do that than win some spicy food challenge.

Sun: Well, uh... Heh heh... You got it~! You saw the lesson BEHIND my lesson~!

Neptune: Y-Yeah! Exactly, Jaune~!

Jaune: Thanks, but, uh, I guess that means the noodles are out, too, huh? They might help me relax, but they're probably just another fast food run for her. I'll have to find a spot we'll both like...

Neptune: R... Right again, Jaune~! You saw through my trick and learned the true lesson underneath~!

Neptune: (Whispering) Y'know, maybe he's not as dumb as his haircut looks...

Sun: (Whispering) Yeah, you're right. I think what he's missing is confidence...

Jaune: I gotta say, guys, I wasn't expecting this before, but you guys really DO have me feeling readier for this date~! So, what's next~?

Neptune: Ho ho ho... Time for the FINAL lesson~!

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Sun: And here we are... The final course in Sun Wukong's The Art of Love: "How to Dress the Part".

Jaune: Alright... I see what's comin'... Give it to me straight! What's wrong with how I dress? I mean, this sweater's pretty sharp, right~?

Neptune: Far from it, I'm afraid. Completely unnatural.

Jaune: ...Huh?

Neptune: Is that a natural color fabric? Remember, we're going for the human nature here. Try something like this.

Neptune: (Shows super lax beatnik get-up)

Jaune: Is... this a date outfit? It doesn't look very stylish.

Neptune: Trust me, nothing's more stylish than au naturel. What's trendier than an organic lifestyle? These clothes are made of pure cotton and hemp. Not a single drop of artificial coloring! An environmentally friendly ensemble for the discerning man~.

Jaune: Oh, I getcha! It's another way of keeping things natural! But won't my date call me out on it? I mean, she's never seen me dress this way.

Neptune: Don't worry about it! The call of nature affects everyone. Your date will know on a primal level that THIS is sexy. Don't you see? It's written in our very souls to love those who love nature~!

Jaune: Oh, that... Wait, really? I mean, I get the value of being environmentally conscious, but...

Sun: Alright, alright. That's enough humoring the wack job, Jaune. You're not here to save the planet; you're getting ready for a friggin' date! Cosplaying as some burlap bongo-beater isn't gonna make you date go ga-ga for you.

Jaune: Okay, Sun, then what do you suggest?

Sun: Behold; a masterpiece of suit-based seduction~!

Sun: (Shows slick'n'shiny Wallstreet wear)

Jaune: What the hell is this?! If I wear this, she'll think I'm a vampire!

Sun: Jaune, do you know why the firefly illuminates in the darkness?

Jaune: What are you talking about?!

Sun: It's all part of the male's courtship ritual, of course. Dazzling your beloved, captivating them... It's an instinct every living being on Remnant shares! Listen to your instincts, Jaune! Light up her life, and that girl will be putty in your hands~!

Jaune: Wh-Whoa... When you put it like that, this suit's pretty amazing, huh?

Sun: Yup! Wouldn't you rather show up in this than in Neptune's sack of crap!

Jaune: Aw, damn... I really gotta choose this time... And you've both made really good points, too!

Neptune: It's okay, Jaune! Go with your heart~!

Jaune: GOT IT! In that case, I choose...

)Go off with Neptune's organic option )> Stick with Sun's dazzling decision

Jaune: Sun, it's all yours~! I get human nature's important, but a special occasion calls for special action, right?

Neptune: Hmhm... Alright. I've already made my pitch. Now go give it your all and make it one for the history books~!

Sun: Damn right! We got you as far as we can take you. Now the rest is up to you, Jaune~.

Jaune: Thanks, you guys... I'll make you both proud~!

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How does the date go with your Jaune ship?