#Like personally I don't. Like we are all gonna die dude. Spending MY money on something I want for the serotonin is on me!

[iero]

Okay question for you guys: Do you guys find it “childish” to buy YOURSELF a birthday gift especially if you’re, like, 25+ years old? 

[wikiangela]

wip wednesday

I wasn't gonna post anything until I get back from my vacation but I'm reading the prequel to "they both die at the end" and it prompted an idea of a little crossover sad fic with a tragic mcd ending and I'm gonna break my own heart with this one for sure 😂 (@thebravebitch said what I have so far is good and I trust her judgment lol ❤️)

so here's a little snippet I wrote on my phone bc I couldn't help myself and wait a few days 😂

______

His phone ringing wakes him up. At first he's confused, not registering it's his phone, since it's not even his ringtone. It takes him a few seconds to recognize it, and when he does, he looks at his phone and freezes, the words "DEATH-CAST" showing up as the caller ID.

He doesn't panic. When he answers the call, they'll tell him he's going to die in the next twenty four hours - or, twenty two hours, since it's after 2am already, they took their time to deliver this news. But he doesn't panic, he doesn't worry, he just freezes, and wonders if he should answer the call at all. After all, he's not even sure he believes in this whole damn thing.

One thing he does know is that no one will even try to convince him that he's going to die soon. They don't know shit.

*

It's not a new information that Eddie Diaz is what can be classified as a skeptic. He's not a believer in supernatural forces, magic, jinxes, ghosts, lately he even struggles with religion, despite his abuela's best efforts. Everyone in his life is aware of that.

So when this dude showed up out of nowhere claiming he can predict when people are gonna die, with no details or explanation, and give them one last day to sort out their affairs and say goodbye - Eddie called bullshit. He wasn't about to spend money on the off chance that they'll let him know when he's about to die. With being in the army, shot at every day, and even now with being a firefighter, he's aware of his own mortality more than your average person, he's already had more brushes with death than most people.

But he bought the subscription anyway, for his whole family. He had his parents, his abuela, his tía, and his wife trying to convince him, and they didn't succeed - he still thinks it's bullshit - but at least that got them to shut up about it. So, since then they spent thousands every year on subscribtions to this dumb service for himself, Shannon, and Christopher, and it was a waste of money, in Eddie's opinion.

And then, shortly after he moved to LA with his son, when he reconnected with his estranged wife, trying to see where this would go, but no matter what, his son was getting his mom back, and things were starting to look up again - Shannon got the call.

Eddie didn't belive it, but she did, and she decided to live this day like it's her last - which it ended up being, after all, but Eddie's still not sure if it wasn't some freak coincident.

That's what he's trying to tell her, when she's asking for a divorce that they don't have time to get finalized before he becomes a widower. She looks at him over the table in the little café they met, and there's nothing but peaceful acceptance, mixed with a bit of sorrowful regret for what she'll miss, in her eyes.

"Please make sure Christopher remembers I love him. I loved him, and I'll continue to love him from wherever we go after." she says with feeling, but at the same time she's almost casual about it. As if the prospect of dying within who knows how many hours wasn't a big deal. As if the only big deal is leaving her child once again, this time permanently.

Eddie can't take this. He won't believe this.

He still has trouble believing when he arrives on a call to a car accident later, and sees Shannon lying there on the street. Logically, he knows it makes sense, there's been a lot of people he's heard about who got the call and died, there's no reason not to believe it. But there's also not a lot of reasons to believe it, it might all just be a coincidence. Eddie's not about lose Shannon. Chris is not about to lose his mom. It's not fair. And he can't help blaming the stupid Death-Cast program.

____

No pressure tags (I'm on vacation and I'm barely on here so I really have no idea who already did it lmao) @panbuckley @honestlydarkprincess @jamietarts @shortsighted-owl @elvensorceress @translasso @alyxmastershipper @silentxxsoul @mrevanbuckley @buck-tartt

[jbreenr]

⚠ HAWKEYE 106 SPOILERS ⚠

Alright…

There are like two Spider-Man: No Way Home spoilers in here so… I warned you.

We start strongly. The suit. The posture. Vincent. I love you, Wilson!!! You, freaking bastard. Aksññdksnslñ

So, there was a (professional) relationship between Eleonor and Fiek, uh? She framed Jack and killed Armand and we already knew this but… still!

“Kate, you're my partner.” Dude, I've been waiting for this since episode two. I love them besties.

“This city belongs to me.” Ou. I'm having Daredevil flashbacks. *sobbing*

Now, I loved watching Kate and Clint working as a team, making the arrows.

And Kate, labeling them. 😂

“It's lonely. Heroes make tough decisions.” Clint, you cannot say that after I watched No Way Home. Like, did mi heart hurt your arrow?

Okay so, I was really expecting Fisk to say his iconic “When I was a boy…”, and he didn't. But Kate said something similar and I had to point it out. (:

And their gala outfits? AND THEIR ACTUAL SUITS?! *chef kiss*

Lemme just… ✨ Yelena with that hairstyle ✨. Thank you for listening.

Kate's dad owed Wilson money. Eleonor said that I would have doubt that if I hadn't watch the first few minutes of the episode.

Kate and Yelena are the best duo. Like, their fight in the elevator is hilarious. How Kate wants to desperately stop Yelena and she's like *huff, kick, stop*.

“Stop making me like you.” Sorry, Kate. Too late for that.

Dude, the Tracksuit thanked Kate for her advice. He took his gf to see Maroon 5 instead and i felt kinda bad for him, because he apologized for carrying a gun and having to fight her.

So, Jack saved Kate. The swordsman, ladies and gentlemen! I don't dislike you anymore, friend.

And the cops dressing up so people would listen to them. Looool. I love them.

When Clint sees them. “We're all gonna die.” sorry, but I think of Ned in Infinity War.

I'm obsessed with the trick arrows. That fighting was just soooo cool!

Also, i wheezed when Kate used the PYM arrow. The tiny voices and the owl. So freaking funny.

WILSON'S CLOTHES ARE JUST AS THEY ARE IN DAREDEVIL. THE CLOTHES MELVIN DESIGNED. AND, DID YOU SEE THE CUFFLINKS?!?!?

Man, Clint and Yelena suffered for Nat. And I suffered with them. My babies.):

Well, Kazi's dead. I was really hoping to see him in the Echo series. Guess i won't.

And Kate's mom is going to jail. I don't think I'm mad about it. Just a little sad for Kate because, well, it's her mom.

Clint did the secret whistle thing. He told Yelena that Nat talked about her all the time, that she always thought about her being safe.

And I'm thinking again about Nat, sacrificing herself so Yelena could come back and live her life.

I--I loved her too, guys.):

At the end, Yelena decided not to kill him, which was obvious but their expressions had me sobbing nevertheless.

It's so cute how Clint keeps thinking about Lucky. Like he's been through hell and still he remembers that they need to walk the dog.

Kate makes Clint a better person and I'm so down for it.

Now and, I'll be as calmed as possible… WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE, MAYA LÓPEZ!?!??!? YOU SHOT WILSON? WHAT'S GOING ON? I NEED ANSWERS!!!

I know he's alive because why bring Vincent D'onofrio back just to kill the Kingpin? Makes no sense right?

Plus, we had Matt in NWH and they HAVE to meet again. And that's why I want to watch Echo. Matt Murdock is rumored to be in that series so, why not include Wilson Fisk, uh?

Leaving the hype and theories aside, I knew Kate would spend Christmas with the Bartons. And I love the fact that she brought Lucky with her.

So, Laura was a S.H.I.E.L.D agent? Uh. Interesting.

Clint and Kate burning the Ronin suit, putting an end to that era. Killing him (the Ronin) for good.

Kate's names were bad, and I gotta say that I screamed when Clint said he had a better idea.

Now, I was expecting a post-credit with Fisk walking away or something related to Yelena, but instead we had the Rogers musical and I'm not ashamed to admit that I know the lyrics of the song.

God, I'm gonna miss posting my spoilers. But, wait for my Eternals thoughts in January.

[recurring-polynya]

Your thoughts and headcannons on Nemuri Hachigou because I don't think she gets talked about enough, when in reality she's pretty interesting, she's essentially, a blank slate, Mayuri's second chance that I don't think he feels like he deserves. She's Nemu but she isn't and I think people(especially Mayuri) forget that a lot, that's a fascinating position to be in.

Puttin’ this under a cut because I’m gonna say some unkind things about Mayuri and I do not want to cause any distress to the many lovely people on this website who delight in his horrible antics.

This is not so much a headcanon so much as a thing I came up with for fanfiction purposes, but it’s all I got.

Right. So, like I said, I despise Mayuri. I just hate him. I understand that he appeals to some people, but I strongly dislike the dude and go to exorbitant lengths to avoid him ever appearing in my fanfic.

Additionally, I do not vibe with Nemu 7. She registers as not-a-person for me, she’s basically an extension of Mayuri himself. Don’t get me wrong, I find Mayuri’s treatment of her to be vile and I wish someone would take her away from him, but she comes off as very robotic to me. She is conscious, but she is not an independent being, if that makes sense. She is not a real girl. It’s funny that Mayuri keeps talking about how advanced she is, because clearly he means only her cognitive and fighting abilities. In terms of recreating a person, she’s incredibly primitive compared to the other mod souls we see. Take Kon, for example, who has a fairly limited powerset, but is never presented as less of a soul than any of the other characters. An even more interesting example is Ururu and Jinta. Ururu is described as being older than Jinta, and she is clearly “less human” than him-- she has less affect, she shifts into a distinct “attack” mode, etc, which implies that Jinta represents advances in mod soul technology. It’s notable that Urahara and Tessai and even Renji, in the canon scene where he protects the Shouten kids, never treats them as anything less than people. The contrast with the way Mayuri treats Nemu is stark. He likes that her feelings and personality are limited, he sees this as a feature.

I was completely unmoved by the entire chapter where Nemu died. Her sacrifice did not come across to me as anything indicating growth or humanity-- in every battle she's ever been in, she nearly dies because Kurotsuchi tells her to. She simply prioritizes Mayuri over herself. She always has. It’s simply the logical extension of her programming. A lot of people say they would have preferred Nemu to live and Mayuri to die and for sure I would have *preferred* that, but I have never seen Nemu as enough of a character to be worth rooting for. Like, at least Uryuu would have gotten some satisfaction form killing his clown ass, and that might have convinced me for at least half a second that he actually was on the side of the Quincy.

Caveat: if some talented fanficcer wants to write a short novel on Nemu discovering her humanity etc etc, I’m all for it, I’m just saying that canon hasn’t given us anything to suggest she would do more than just shut down without Mayuri to tell her what to do.

Onto Nemuri 8. I can’t believe they let Mayuri have another one. It makes my blood boil. The dude is an on-screen abuser and Kubo had the gall to try to make me feel sorry feel him (I did not) and then gave him another one.

So, I took her away from him.

I mentioned earlier that I go to great lengths to keep Mayuri the hell out of my fanfic, and usually the way I do that is to have my characters go through Akon whenever they have to deal with Squad 12. I think I started doing this because Akon is sort of weirdly familiar with Renji and Rukia in the TYBW, but I have projected all over him and he’s mine now. The way I assume Squad 12 functions, based on my career in scientific programming, is that Mayuri is like a primary investigator-- he's the Big Ideas guy and he spends a lot of time doing wholly self-directed research. He’s the face of Squad 12, so he has to go talk to the Captain-Commander and beg for money and defend blowing things up, but when it comes to science stuff, he does what he wants. Nemu is the lieutenant, and I think she handles most of the usual lieutenanting-- paperwork, meetings, etc., but I think Mayuri takes up a lot of her time by using her as a personal lab assistant on his wacky projects. There's nothing wrong with this, but I think in a lot of squads, the lieutenant is responsible for the day-to-day running of the squad and spends a lot of time dealing with their subordinates and other lieutenants. Nemu, instead, focuses on her captain. Now, the rest of the Gotei counts on Squad 12 for a lot actually-- gigai, Hollow tracking, Dangai monitoring, etc. etc. From the point of view of most science people, this stuff is mundane-- it’s all application, not development, and all the difficulty is in the twitchy little details. It’s frustrating and it’s unrewarding and you never get credit for it, and it is vitally important. There is a certain kind of science professional that makes a career out of this. They usually have master's degrees instead of PhDs, and they are usually tragically underpaid and underappreciated for what they do. In the real world, without these people, you wouldn’t have mass vaccination sites or weather data on your phone or cute li’l robots landing on other planets. In Bleach, these are the people keeping soul reapers alive in the field. And in my mind, this is Akon’s department.

So here’s the headcanon:

After Nemu’s death, Mayuri has so much sad clown pain about it that he wants another robot child poste-haste, but can’t bring himself to do the actual work, so he shoves it off onto Akon, with a list of the design specs he wants. The last one was pretty good, Akon can handle a few minor upgrades, it doesn’t need his personal hand in it. Thinking about going through all that work again just pisses him off, honestly. What a waste!

And Akon's like, yeah, cool, fine. It was heavily implied that he did a lot of the work on Nemu 7, it's just a matter of digging out his old notes and cleaning out some vats.

Except that, right around the same time, Rukia and Renji decide to have a baby.

Babies are super rare in the Gotei, and it’s not like those stuffy nobles are gonna let Akon look at their precious offspring. But Rukia is a rank weirdo, and Akon is their pal, so she’s always like “I hear they have these things in the Living World where you can pee on a stick and tell if you’re pregnant, can you make me one?” and Akon’s brain goes, “Wow, what even is the first detectable sign of a newly formed soul, this is very interesting.” So, at the same time he’s trying to grow a new and improved Nemu, he’s got access to the developing fetus of two captain-class shinigami. So when he has to pick between eight good candidate embryos to move to the next vat, he picks… not the one with the strongest reiatsu signature, like they did last time, but the one whose reiatsu looks the most like a real baby.

Akon reminds me of a lot of programmers I know, so I always sort of headcanon him as particularly interested in whatever passes for programming in Squad 12, and I think he takes special interest in revamping Nemu’s artificial intelligence system, which is primarily based on taking in information about the world and building up a realistic personality based on people she observes. In particular, it gives extra weight to “people who resemble her”. Nemu 7 was raised by Squad 12, so she came up very Squad 12, just like Mayuri wanted. Unfortunately, toddler Hachigou Nemuri’s algorithm unexpectedly decides that she has much more in common with toddler Abarai Ichika than any of the adult soul reapers around her.

Nemuri 8 is a very successful sample in terms of power and intelligence but she’s also very boisterous, and the rest of Squad 12 is like “Akon do something” so Akon takes drastic measures: he asks Renji for parenting advice. Distressingly, Renji is full of useful ideas like “tire her out” and “only fight the important battles” and “we’re signed up for baby yoga, you wanna start comin’ to baby yoga? Your back is gonna thank you.”

Akon didn't mean to let them hang out so much, but Ichika is a very useful data point and also if he takes Nemuri over to the Abarai house, the girls will entertain themselves (i.e. chew on each other) long enough for him to have a beer with Renji and Rukia and honestly my man really needs that beer.

I don’t think Akon thinks of himself as Nemu’s dad past the first time when she calls him ‘Daddy’ and he corrects her (she only did it because that’s what Ichika calls Renji, very predictable quirk of her programming). She’s just a work project. She’s not even his project, she’s Mayuri’s project, he’s just handling the little details. Fathering just happens to be an adjacent field of study that he’s found to contain a number of very useful best practices.

I would prefer not to get into the detail of the physical abuse that Mayuri uses against Nemu 7, but I would like to think that Akon finds ways to protect Nemuri 8 from the same, or barring that, maybe this is what finally drives Akon to murder Kurotsuchi and become Squad 12 captain himself.

Other Nemuri Headcanons:

Her favorite book is Rejection of the Twin Fishes!, Captain Ukitake’s posthumously published children’s book.

She prefers to be called “Nemuri” over “Nemu.”

Nemuri’s second favorite person in Squad 12 after Akon is Rin, because he always has candy. Rin actually likes having someone to share his hobby with and helps her make a World of the Living Snack Bucket List. When other shinigami come in for gigai, Nemuri constantly tries to con them into bringing something back for her.

Rukia teaches her to cuss, but tells her never to do it around Akon. Nemuri never actually cusses around anyone, but really enjoys having Forbidden Knowledge.

Speaking of Forbidden, she is mildly obsessed with Urahara, even though she’s never met him. She’s constantly on the lookout for thumbprints of his work in modern Squad 12 technology.

The one thing she does have in common with Mayuri is an absolutely batshit personal aesthetic. She starts painting her face as a tween and is somewhat inconveniently both into piercings and inflatable outfits.

The true proof that she has surpassed her predecessor, at least in terms of humanity, is that she is able to learn the name of her zanpakutou.

Oh, if you want to read any of my fanfics with Nemuri, here's one where she and Ichika play football and here's one where she tries to con Byakuya into buying her shaved ice. I really like writing Nemuri hanging out with Byakuya because I think an adult man who navigates social settings via rigid system of etiquette and class hierarchy and a small child with a pile of Markov chains for a brain would be natural friends.

[writemywaytoyourheart]

One → Two

a/n: guess who finally got a laptop mofos? when I say that this fic has given me grief.....I am in no way exaggerating,,,, but, the past is behind us! let’s just enjoy it now 😅 pls...I seriously hope y’all like this. technically it’s still Friday for some people ;) and I promise that the story will get better as we go along.

Pairing: Hoseok x Female Reader

Genre: angst, fluff

Warnings for this chapter: Mentions of alcohol consumption, a creeper dude, emotional abuse, insinuations of past sexual abuse, insinuations of self harm, language.

Word count: 3.7k

Trigger Warning: if you are easily triggered by this type of stuff, pls don't read it. I have some fluff on my account, you should enjoy that instead! Here's a link to my other works → BTS ML

Tag list: @melikeylikeyjimin

If you wanna be on the tag list, send me an ask or dm :)

Daisies in the Dark Masterlist

All stories have a beginning and all stories have an end.

But, how does one know where to start a story? And maybe, sometimes we don't want to know the end; since unfortunately, not all stories have a good finish. Perhaps we'd like to leave it unfinished and rewrite it in our minds, because all humans want a happy ending.

You're still reading so I guess you'd like to see for yourself how this story goes.

Have you ever heard the story of how the sun fell in love with the moon?

No?

Well, you're about to...

And I can't promise you that it's going to go the way you'd like.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

3 yrs before the incident

One more chance. I'll give her one more chance, you thought as you grit your teeth, watching your once best friend in the lunch line chatting it up with the annoying girl from history class.

Your breath caught in your throat when your former bff Lena made eye contact with you from across the cafeteria after filling her lunch tray. A small smile went to find it's way onto your face when Lena's eye contact lingered, but it was gone in a matter of seconds when she just twitched an eyebrow and sauntered off to sit at a table across the room; the conversation between Lena and her new bestie continuing as if nothing had happened.

So it was true, she'd left you for someone else. Like you were worth nothing more to that girl than a tissue; use it once and throw it away. Not a very good comparison at the time, but that's all you could think of as you watched them sit down; you were worth no more than a small used tissue.

Figures...

Your hands started to twitch awkwardly not knowing what to do with themselves now and you stared at the lasagna on your lunch tray; if you could even call it that–all it was was a lump of overcooked noodles drenched in sauce the color of a burnt tomato with who knows what posing as the ground beef, covered in a crispy layer of cheese.

You definitely weren't hungry, but staring at the sad excuse for lunch in front of you and contemplating life as nothing more than a wisp of a tissue floating through the air, not knowing where it might end up–was better than watching Lena start a new chapter without you.

It didn't make sense, you were best friends...weren't you? Guess it didn't matter now, since a friendship takes two people to make it work, and seeing as one was currently occupied elsewhere, you would have to make do with what you had, which was...a depressed piece of lasagna staring at you from it's home on the untouched tray. You poked at it with your fork and looked at it-thinking. Then you whispered to the disheartening meal,

"Oh well...at least you're not gonna leave me for that annoying- what was her name? I don't even know, but who cares, right?"

Then you suddenly realized what you were doing and looked up quickly in embarrassment, afraid someone had seen you. But the regular drone of kids talking, shouting and laughing was the same as always. Of course no one had noticed, because you were invisible.

And you were talking to a piece of lasagna.

Highschool was great....

You were a senior this year, at seventeen. At least this was the last year of hell, then you could do whatever you wanted. You had a lot of things you wanted to do and places to travel to, maybe you couldn't do them all but you'd be damned if you didn't at least try.

But one thing was for sure, you couldn't just sit there and stare at that fake lasagna pretending like Lena wasn't betraying you right across the room. So you got up and brought your uneaten food to the window where kids leave their empty lunch trays and put your tray down, but kept the small carton of chocolate milk. Then headed out of the cafeteria to spend the rest of your lunchbreak in the library. You fiddled with the unopened milk carton and mumbled to yourself while you walked,

"It's fine, I don't need her anyway."

Just numb the pain.

That wasn't the first or the last time.

-

-

2 yrs before the incident

"Uhhh, ya know what little missy? I think if you give me twenty-five percent off everything, maybe we could come to a compromise?"

This man......was going to die in a minute if he kept going on like this.

You tried your hardest not to just scream at this pervert to leave and say you wouldn't do a damn thing for him. You just settled for licking your dry lips while he started to smirk at you. He brought his hand up to rest against the counter, then started to slowly tap his fingers. You made eye contact with him and said sternly, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't do that."

"What if I give you my phone number? And we'll make it fifteen percent..." He tried again, not once breaking eye contact with you.

"Excuse me sir-"

"Yes, doll?"

"Do you have a coupon?"

"No, I don't bu-"

"Then no, we can't move the price down at all, would you like to pay the full price or leave sir?" You stared him dead in the eyes, this creep, you thought angrily, how dare he call me that? I hope he just leaves, I don't care if he doesn't buy anything. The man leaned over the cash register, "hmm, this isn't very good customer service. Maybe I won't come back." Please don't, you thought, but instead of saying that you settled for, "it's not about customer service, this is store policy, I'm sorry sir but I can't do anything."

"Ya know what? I like it when you call me sir- you say that a lot to me....what's a pretty little lady like you doing working in a rundown grocery store, hm? What about college? You're what, eighteen? If you'd like, I can give you my number and you won't have to worry about this job, I'll take care of you." He smirked and arched an eyebrow at you from the other side of the counter.

It was probably a good thing there was a big cash register between the two of you, since you weren't sure what would've happened if you had free range. By now your brain was just blurry and you saw nothing but blackness because of the fury settling inside. What a disgusting man. You didn't care if you got fired, you were gonna teach him a lesson or two about trying to get young girls to do stuff for him in exchange for money. You leaned forward which made him lean back in surprise, then you said loud enough for the other people in line to hear,

"If you do not pay the full price right here right now, then leave. If you think I'm looking for a sugar daddy then you are sadly mistaken. You have enough money to pay for a girl's life in exchange for your own personal services, so you have enough to pay the full thirty five dollars. There are people waiting behind you so make up your mind now, sir." You said the last word mockingly and raised an eyebrow at him in defiance. The man's eyes grew in shock, then he glared at you but he didn't say a word as he threw forty bucks in your direction, grabbed his bags and stomped out of the store.

You took a deep breath and smiled at the next customer who cautiously came forward with their items.

-

The second you stepped through the door after working a twelve hour shift you slumped against the wall and yanked your sneakers off; dropping them to the floor carelessly. The apartment was dark so you assumed your mom wasn't home- probably out drinking away her troubles again. Walking into the kitchen, you sighed at the sink full of dirty dishes, and the counters that were no better. The smell wasn't too bad, probably because your nose was used to it by now. You walked to a cupboard and rummaged around until you found a sleeve of saltine crackers. After that you grabbed the softened butter and a knife and walked to your room; stepping over and around the miscellaneous junk spread throughout the apartment.

After about an hour of sitting on your bed, scrolling through your phone and munching on what your dinner was that night, you heard the door open and what you could only assume was your mother stumble inside. Your mother's heels clacked against the hard floor by the door, then a heavier pair of footsteps could be heard with them. You sighed deeply, but stayed as quiet as you could. Not again, you thought miserably. Just, please just go do whatever you're gonna do and leave me alone, you prayed silently squeezing your eyes shut.

There was a lot of stumbling and cursing and your chest was tight with anxiety, scared that at any moment they would drunkenly come into your room by accident. Eventually, your mother's bedroom door slammed shut and you let out the breath you had been holding. Thank you God, thank you, you clasped your hands and shook them, then carefully and as quietly as you could, you set the remaining crackers and butter on your nightstand. Then you shifted in bed to lie on your left side and tried to make sure the bed didn't creak at your movements– cringing a little when it squeaked a bit. It was gonna be alright, he–whoever he was, didn't know you were in the house.

You closed your eyes and tried to ignore the lingering feeling on your skin, even though it had been over a year since the last time. You stuffed your hands over your ears, willing yourself to sleep despite whatever was going on on the other side of the wall.

-

Morning came all too soon, and with it a massive pounding headache from the lack of sleep. You groaned when the sun hit your eyes and made the darkness an annoying shade of orangey red from behind your eyelids, your brain in a fog from the tiny bit of sleep you were able to get even though it was plagued by nightmares. Then you suddenly snapped awake and shot up in bed, grabbing your chest and feeling all around yourself frantically, breathing a sigh of relief when you felt your shirt still on your body. You were okay, it was just another nightmare. You tried to steady your breathing while taking deep breaths in and blowing them out slowly. Then you looked towards the door and cupped a hand by your ear; listening intently. After a minute or two of silence that didn't really prove anything, you sighed and swung your legs out of bed- planting your feet on the floor despite laundry being scattered everywhere. Sneaking towards the door you put an ear to it then slowly turned the knob. Normally you wouldn't even be risking going out of the safety of your room but you really had to pee, you would just have to be quick.

You scurried quietly to the bathroom and when you were finished you were on your way back when your mom's door swung open. You flinched and wrung your hands keeping your eyes downcast, too afraid to look up. But then you sighed in relief when it was only your mother that pushed past you to go to the bathroom. You decided to risk it and peeked into your mom's bedroom. A weight lifted off your chest at the sight of the empty bed–he must have left earlier.

-

"Aren't you supposed to be working or something? Why're you just sitting around reading?" Your mother scoffed at you from the doorway, after slamming your bedroom door open to confront you.

You set your book down–not ready for another fight, "they gave me today off, I'm back on the schedule tomorrow." Your mother just glared at you and crossed her arms, "oh, so you think we can afford to have you lying around, taking days off? Lazy ass." With that she turned and slammed the door shut, leaving you to sit there and scold your heart to stop hurting, because it just wasn't worth it.

You don't need her Y/n...

Just numb the pain.

So that's what you did.

-

-

1 1/2 yrs before the incident

You walked into the apartment after three classes in a row; each one being about two hours long. You dropped your backpack by the door with a thud then changed your mind and picked it up again, not wanting another fight when someone tripped over it in their drunken state. You decided just putting it in your room would be best. 

Canned vegetables with canned chicken really wasn't too bad if one could figure out the right stuff to put in it. After years of this, you had discovered your favorite seasonings and you were mixing yourself up a nice concoction for lunch before going to work, humming and talking to yourself as you did so–when there was loud pounding on the front door.

You weren't very alarmed, knowing exactly who it was, and so you opened the door and stepped aside as your mother staggered in, thankfully alone. Turning to look at you, your mother's eyes were a bit glassy as she spoke, "is there any food around here or do I have to do all the work for that too?" She wasn't drunk, but she wasn't too far away from it. You didn't say anything and just walked to the kitchen, took your lunch and handed it to your mother.

"I just made this for you, thought you'd be home soon."

Your mom just snatched it away and walked to her room calling over her shoulder, "almost nineteen years old and all you can do is make a half-assed meal for the woman that gave up everything for your lazy ass."

You just grabbed your bag and put your shoes on, trying to ignore the insistent hunger pangs in your stomach, then walked out the door for work.

-

"Y/n? May I speak with you please?" It was the next day and you were just leaving the history classroom when your professor called you over. Your grades were far from satisfactory, but you really did try. You walked over to Professor Kim's (who also happened to teach your Korean class as well) desk and tried not to hang your head, since you knew what was coming. She was a nice lady, but could also be strict at times.

"Y/n, I'm going to get straight to the point. I heard that you wanted to travel to South Korea. We both know you're struggling a bit in the academic department, but I know you're a good girl, and you speak Korean pretty well."

You looked up, utterly confused, this wasn't about you almost failing history class? Professor Kim just smiled and continued, "there is a scholarship program to go and stay in Seoul for a year, learning Korean and going to the university there. I thought you might be interested in it."

You were so shocked you couldn't speak for a full minute, just stuttering out nonsense until Professor Kim laughed and put her hand on your shoulder. Then she handed you a packet, telling you to fill it out and give it back to her as soon as possible.

This couldn't be happening. Good things didn't happen to you. Could this actually be your escape?

You thanked Professor Kim over and over then scurried out of the room before anything else could be said and possibly destroy this amazing opportunity. As you left there was a new lift to your step.

-

Two weeks had passed and no word from the scholarship people. You turned nineteen in those two weeks, but that didn't mean much to you. All you could think about was the scholarship. Things at home didn't change, they never did. Until one day when you were heading home from work, completely exhausted, and you saw the mailman at the front door knocking. You ran up the steps but your mother opened the door right when you got there. You said hello to the man and took the mail from him, being our to thank him. When you turned to go inside, your mother snatched all the mail from you and stalked off. You followed her cautiously, "uh, may I see that? I think I might have gotten something." Your mother turned and glared at you then spat, "and what could you have gotten in the mail? You don't even have friends, and the bills are in my name." You tried not to roll your eyes, even though the bills were in your mother's name, she wasn't the one paying them.

Scanning through the envelopes, your mother stopped when she saw one with the name Y/n Y/l/n on the front. She turned and looked at you accusingly, "what is this?" Before you had time to even process what you were doing you snatched the envelope out of her hands and dashed around her, running to your room. You shut the door and locked it, hearing the woman outside screaming horrible accusations and threats at you but not caring a single bit. The envelope was white–super white actually, almost looking unnatural. Your fingers shook as you gently tore it open, running a finger carefully along the top so you could pull the letter out. The paper inside was just as bright, and the bold black lettering stood out.

Your breathing hitched, was this actually happening? A second scan over the letter and a quick yet painful pinch to the arm confirmed that, yes, this was actually happening. Your hands trembled as you slowly pulled your phone out of your pocket and carefully typed in the number printed on the paper. The sounds of your mother screaming outside the door and hitting it, the cars outside, your own heart pounding in your ears- it all faded away to a dull thudding when you heared the ringing through the phone, once, twice, you held your breath, three rings in, four......click

"Hello? This is Jill Dunning, how can I help you?"

"H-hello? I- I was told to call you."

"Are you Y/n Y/l/n, by any chance?"

You cleared your throat nervously, then took a deep breath before answering.

"Yes, I am."

-

1 month later 

The flight there was extremely long and tiring so by the time you were getting off; you could’ve cried tears of joy, having felt like the plane ride really was going to last forever and you’d never step on solid ground again. But there you were; standing in the middle of the Seoul airport, completely and utterly free.

Not to mention, completely and utterly lost.

You looked around but couldn’t see anything other than a lot of people rushing around; businessmen and women, families with little children that stared at you with wide eyes, college students; and yet not a single soul that looked like they might help you find who you were looking for. You shifted your heavy backpack and decided to walk a bit, maybe you could find where the luggage came through and you could at least collect the rest of your bags. After you walked for another minute you saw a sign with a suitcase on it, hanging from the ceiling with an arrow pointing down. You hurried over to where it was pointing and saw a giant metal thing with suitcases going around on it, people looking at tags and grabbing them before hurrying off again. 

You walked over briskly and just in time too, because your two suitcases had just come around the bend in the giant machine. You double checked the tags and after confirming they were yours, you heaved them off the machine and caught your breath after setting them next to you. Then you had to figure out where you were and where your roommate, who was to be picking you up, was. You went to the name of your roommate in your contacts and pressed it before you held your phone to your ear. After one ring, the sweet voice of your roommate answered in Korean.

“Hello? Y/n?”

“Hey Eui, I just got here and I’m so lost. I just got my bags.”

“I’m so sorry Y/n! I’ll be there in less than five minutes. Traffic was awful, but I’m walking into the airport now. Just stay by the baggage area, ok?”

”Ok, thanks Eui.”

You had talked to her on the phone many times over the past four weeks and you really liked her, you couldn’t wait to meet in person. You hung up and looked around, watching everyone else go about their days; rushing to catch flights, leisurely browsing the shops in the airport, then you heard an excited squeal and turned to see a girl running and jumping into the arms of a boy who you assumed was her boyfriend. You just smiled and kept looking around- trying not to think about how badly you wished that was you.

“Y/n?”

You turned at the sound of Eui’s voice and smiled widely when she approached you with open arms. Eui wrapped her arms around you and then pulled away, still smiling, “welcome to Seoul, are you ready to start over?” That had to be the best sentence you ever heard in your life. You smiled back at her and grabbed one of your suitcases while Eui grabbed the other one.

“Definitely.”

And you were; a new place, a new school, a friendly face, and no people from your past. It was time to start over and let things go, because life just got a whole lot easier.

You had no idea that whether you liked it or not, your past would continue to haunt you, no matter how many miles away you ran.

“Let’s go.”

Preview → Next

[mtvswatches]

Crazy Ex Girlfriend 4x17 I’m In Love

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) So… they’re doing a big reveal where Rebecca will tell who she has chosen right in front of everyone they know? Now I’m kind of hoping she chooses herself (although please please let her be with Greg!) because if she is about to choose one of the guys then she’ll be breaking the other two’s hearts in a very uncalled for manner…

2) Oh, Tim, what’s going on with your life, dude? First, the vibrator song, and now he’s happy not to be spending Valentine’s day with his wife…?

3) Dream ghost!!! Because Rebecca, in true Rebecca fashion, had another poop attack and fell asleep on the toilet… Dream Ghost is going to tell her about her future. Will we get to see what Rebecca thinks her life will be like if she chooses each of the three men in her life?

4) Oh!!! This is her future!!!

5)  That was a cheap trick, show. You got me. Because she’s now imagining her future with Nathaniel and Josh…

…and she’s not entirely happy in any of them.

5) Oh, god, I knew going into this I’d be an emotional wreck but I wasn’t expecting to be crying by minute 6. There’s just something about watching Rebecca shouting in her own face, demanding to know why she’s not happy. I think I know the answer. I think she just has to choose herself, I think the title of this episode is about Rebecca finally choosing to love herself first and foremost, and above all.

6) And she got the answer, straight from the horse’s mouth…

REBECCA: Tell me. Huh? Tell me why you're so sad. Why aren't you happy with Greg? Huh? I mean, what's wrong with him?

REBECCA 2: There's nothing wrong with Greg. Or Nathaniel or Josh. They're all wonderful.

REBECCA: Okay, then why am I not happy, with any of them? Don't… don't I love them?

REBECCA: You do love them. The problem is, you don't know who you are.

7) Is working at that firm the best fit for Paula if she can’t take the cases she wants to take?

8) Hmmmm.

JOSH: I just want to be in love. Get married, have babies. I'm ready now. She has to pick me.

This really sounds like Rebecca could be replaceable. He’s not talking about wanting or imagining all of these things with her, he just wants them.

9) George has great plans for his future. He’s growing a ponytail. Nathaniel, on the other hand, seems to have nothing going for him except the possibility of Rebecca choosing him. I kind of wish they had brought up the fact that he was bored with his job before the finale?

10) I love them. I’m gonna miss them so much.

11)  I loved this!

There had been some references to how Rebecca creates the musical numbers in her mind but never had we seen if the other characters were aware of what she does or how they react to it. it was a small moment, but it felt like a huge pay-off for four seasons of storytelling in the form of musical comedy.

12) This medley ruined me…

I was a sobbing mess all throughout, I was crying and trying to sing along, and each song brought up so many memories and feelings. I knew I wasn’t emotionally ready for this episode, but damn, I really wasn’t ready.

But thankfully, I also laughed…

13) OMG TIME JUMP!!! And we can tell thanks to George’s lustrous ponytail!!

So her big decision has nothing to do with choosing one of the guys? But what happened on Valentine’s day a year ago?! And everyone’s there except for Nathaniel, Josh, and Greg, or so it seems...

14) Good for you, Valencia!

15) April adopted Hebecca, and she and Darryl are having a baby!

16) Was… Rebecca… masturbating in the hot tub?

I wouldn’t put it past her, and we know Hector is already very acquainted with how much she enjoys self-gratification, but this would be going too far, even for her…

But… let me say that as much as I love the joke, I can help but feel that Heather was underused even in the finale.

17) I did really enjoy the whole back-and-forth between White Josh and Rebecca. She had no idea what had been going on in his life – two massive fires, apparently – and he admitted to never quite liking her, which is absolutely true.

18) Now, this is what earns a “Respect” as a response…

PAULA: The thing is, is, uh and I say this with so much affection, um, either we do this, or I quit.

BOSS: What?

PAULA: I love this job. But I am not gonna walk around with a hole in my heart because there are people out there who need me and I'm sitting up here on my ass in a fancy suit. I have to be true to who I am inside. So. Thanks. I loved it here. Bye.

BOSS: Paula, wait. Let's talk.

19) Nooo. It can’t be him. It has to mean something else…

Which brings us to another person. The person I care about very much. And he's really the reason I'm here. Josh Chan.

I really hope it only means that he’s the one who gave her the courage to find out who she is or something, or I’ll be pissed off.

20) OH THANK GOD! It wasn’t him.

21) $80 dollars a month, Rebecca? I guess she still continues to be terrible with money.

22)  Josh has a girlfriend. I hope he doesn’t mess it up this time.

23) And it’s Nathaniel’s turn now…

NATHANIEL: You don't, you don't have to explain. You only get one life. And you got to live that the way you want. I think everyone deserves that.

I’m really proud of Nathaniel. He truly came such a long way, and even if they are not together, his love for Rebecca had such a wonderful impact on him – he became a better version of himself because of it. I was absolutely floored by how mature and understanding he was, I wanted to hug him so badly.

And he quit his job and he got a job at the ZOO! TALK ABOUT A DREAM COME TRUE!

24) it’s fUCKING GREG’S MOMENT AND I’M NOT READY FOR THIS.

25) What a wonderful moment!

PAULA: What are you doing?

REBECCA: Uh, sorry, nothing, nothing.

PAULA: No, that's not nothing. That's You're staring off into space, like you do. You do that a lot. What's happening when you do that?

REBECCA: I don't want to tell you. It's weird.

PAULA: Oh, come on, any weirder than the many, many weird things you and I have done since we met?

REBECCA: I've just… I don't know I've never told anybody, except for the Dream Ghost and Dr. Phil.

PAULA: What?

REBECCA: What the hell? Okay. When I stare off into space, I'm imagining myself in a musical number. That's how I sometimes see big moments in my life, as musical numbers. And because I do that, so does the show. And by show, I mean the very popular BPD workbook acronym, "Simply Having Omniscient Wishes.” So, yeah, I see myself in these songs.

26) Paula is suggesting that Rebecca should write down the songs that she creates in her mind and that’s what I’ve been saying all along!!!

27) Oh my god, here come the waterworks again…

What an amazing reprise and what a great way to bookend the story! I’m crying but I swear these are happy tears! It’s been such a long time since Paula and Rebecca stood holding each other’s hands outside a party and singing about how Rebecca should go after Josh. And here they are, still holding each other up through thick and thin and being each other’s person. It’s such an amazing moment for so many reasons. I can’t help but be in awe at such a wonderful portrayal of female friendship. It’s amazing that the person that helped Rebecca figured out what she wanted to do was Paula. It wasn’t Josh or Nathaniel or Greg. It wasn’t her therapist or her mother. It was her best friend, the person that’s seen her at her best and her worst and has accepted for the wonderful, weird, chaotic mess that she is. This scene also conveys a much more important and impactful message – that all you need is, well, you. It’s all right inside you. You just have to be ready to find yourself.

28) Oh, the wonderful, wonderful callback!

29) And her break-up with Greg did not feel like a break-up at all. She was basically telling him that she couldn’t be with him right then. And even though he said he wouldn’t wait, he’s still single… I swear to god, I’ve been dreaming of a Settle for Me reprise, and if they deliver one I’ll probably die.

30) It was so fun to see Rebecca working hard and learning how to sing and play instruments and write lyrics. But this part was what really got to me…

REBECCA: I came to this town to find love, and I did. I love every person in this room. Each and every one of you.

I’m so happy she finally realized that! That’s what I’ve been saying all along. She’d always been so worried about finding one person or one thing that would make her truly happy, and there were so many people and so many things that did it for her and she just couldn’t see it.

31) Oh, wow…

32) What a wonderful ending to a wonderful series! It truly was everything that I had hoped for and more. I really wanted the end of the show to be about Rebecca, self-love, and self-awareness, and the show delivered that in such a beautiful and moving way. I know I’ll cry every single time I listen to that medley! I was kind of concerned about the heavy emphasis on the rom-com aspect of the show in the last few episodes, but I’m really glad that was put on the back burner and it was left kind of open-ended – although I’m positive wherever she is, she’ll end up with Greg. This weird, wonderful show has meant a lot to me, and I can’t wait to revisit this story. I’m glad Rachel and Alina got to tell their story the way they envisioned it, and I think it was a terrific idea to end the story sort of media res – just when Rebecca was about to start a new chapter of her life.

I’m too emotional right now to properly convey exactly how much this show means to me and how impactful and groundbreaking I thought it was for many different reasons, but I’m certain the legacy of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend will live on, and I truly can’t wait to see what the wonderfully talented people behind it have in store for us in the future. I know it will be wicked good.

Goodbye, Rebecca. Goodbye, West Covina. It’s been a wonderful journey!

 32)  Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

[funny-relatable]

Who else dad is weird like this 🙄

*in another world at another time*

Me: *gets text*

Dad: Hey, who's my favorite daughter?

Me: Dad?

Dad: Hey there, dear. 😉

Me: DAD WTF YOU'RE ALIVE.

Dad: Last time I checked I was. 😂

Me: *out loud* Oh my god!

Roommate: Please stop screaming, I'm in a very intense debate about the merits of socialism with an online friend, and I can't concentrate with you making such a racket.

Me: Socialism? Aren't you incredibly rich and vain?

Roommate: I'm a Trotskyist, you fool.

Me: Who cares! My dad's alive!

Roommate: I wasn't aware that your dad was dead?

Me: Neither was I. I thought he had just abandoned me and my mom all those years ago. I have quite a story about it. When I was about 14, my dad took me on a road trip to go to IHOP for a delicious breakfast. After we had finished, he got up to use the bathroom and never returned. He left me stranded in a strange IHOP two states over.

Roommate: You traveled two states away to go to an IHOP?

Me: I mean, it was a road trip.

Roommate: How do you know it's your dad?

Me: Check my phone, it says dad right there. Of course he's my dad.

Roommate: It could be anyone.

Me: There's no one else in my contacts with the name dad, other than my dad, ya goober. In fact, with every new phone I've gotten I always added his old phone number to the contacts in case of a moment just like this.

Roommate: Even still, don't you think it's suspicious that your father is contacting you via text nearly a decade after he abandoned you?

Me: No.

Roommate: Not even a bit?

Me: No. *buzz* Oh, he texted me again!

Dad: Hey, who's my favorite daughter?

Me: Me, of course! 😘

Dad: No.

Me: What?

Dad: You're my fifth favorite daughter.

Me: I don't understand.

Dad: I have six daughters and you're my fifth favorite one. The sixth one died in a scuba diving accident.

Me: So I'm your least favorite daughter?

Dad: No, don't think of it like that! You're not my least favorite daughter, you're just my least favorite LIVING daughter. 😉

Me: That doesn't make me feel better.

Dad: Ah, it doesn't matter. You remember me, your dad, the big wacky goofball! 😝

Me: I remember you trading my bicycle for coke.

Dad: It's a thing of the past, my daughter who I love the least. I don't want to worry about the past, let's meet up and discuss the future.

Me: OMG You want to meet up? Where?

Dad: IHOP, for old time's sake, but this time let's make it the one in town.

Me: *out loud* Oh my god, I'm meeting up with my dad!

Roommate: I'm right here, you don't have to yell.

Me: I'm so excited. I'm reconnecting with my father. Most girls can only dream of this moment.

Roommate: He honestly sounds like a terrible person.

Me: People change.

Roommate: Yeah, sometimes they become worse.

Me: You're just overly pessimistic because you're a goth and also a Trotskyist.

Roommate: Eh, I can't deny it.

*later at IHOP*

Me: *waiting at table* I can't wait to see my dad again. I wonder what he looks like. I bet he's a businessman now. Oh, or maybe he's a priest. *notices commotion at the front of the store* Hmm?

Waitress: Sir, please wait to be seated.

Disheveled Dude: I'm meeting up with someone, you flighty broad. There's not much time. Get out of my way.

Me: *internally* At least that guy isn't my dad.

Disheveled Dude: Oh, there she is. *runs and sits at my table* Oh my god, is that my little girl. You've grown up so much. You look way too much like your mom. It's bringing back some really bad memories. I'm sorta regretting. Just joking. Hahaha. WHERE THE FUCK IS OUR WAITRESS, I'M TRYING TO EAT HERE!?

Me: What a coincidence it is that the horrible man making a scene at the front of the restaurant is my dad...

Disheveled Dude: What's with the distant look on your face? You're acting like you saw a ghost. Haha, maybe you do think I'm a ghost. Hey, sorry about leaving you at the IHOP all those years ago. Kinda got bored of the whole dad thing. JESUS CHRIST, CAN YOU GUYS FUCKING HURRY UP AND GET US A WAITRESS. F-Fuck. *wipes sweat off forehead*

Me: Dad?

Disheveled Dude: WHAT!?

Me: *jumps in seat*

Disheveled Dude: Sorry, I've been really on edge recently. *nervously looks over shoulder* Where the fuck are these waitresses?

Me: Dad... *gets teary eyed*

Disheveled Dude: Oh god, are you gonna start crying on me.

Me: *sniffles* I'm sorry, I just missed you so much.

Disheveled Dude: Yeah, yeah, I missed you too. Time to move onto the next thing. Inheritance. Uh, I'm gonna die eventually, so you can have all of my money. *put suitcase stuffed with cash on the table and pushes it towards me* You can just have it now, for all I care. I mean, you never know when I'm gonna die.

Me: Dad, I don't want your money. I just want to spend time with you.

Disheveled Dude: Well, you can spend all the time in the world with me once you accept the fat wads of cash in this suitcase. I just need you to say verbally that you're accepting this money from me as a legitimate form of inheritance.

Me: Dad, please. I just want to talk to you.

Disheveled Dude: Come on and take the fucking cash, Elizabeth.

Me: My name's not Elizabeth.

Disheveled Dude: Okay, whatever. Take the money and clearly dictate that you are accepting the entirety of this money as a legitimate form of inheritance from your loving father. You can use it for college, you're college aged right. Or prenatal care. I don't fucking know. What shitty kid doesn't want FREE FUCKING MONEY!?

Me: *stands up from seat* Dad! You're the worst ever! I hate you! *runs out of IHOP sobbing*

Disheveled Dude: Fuck, I knew that wasn't going to work. *notices how dark it is outside* It's almost here. I wasted so much goddamn time. I'm never going to get rid of this thing. FUCK!

Waitress: *nervously* I can help you now, sir.

Disheveled Dude: Oh, so now you show up. I'm not so hungry now. In fact, I've lost my entire damn appetite.

Waitress: I'm sorry, sir. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry.

Disheveled Dude: Which one of those cars outside is yours?

Waitress: The red one.

Disheveled Dude: That broken down piece of shit?

Waitress: Yes.

Disheveled Dude: Guess, there's no other choice. It'll have to do. Give me your fucking keys.

Waitress: What?

Disheveled Dude: *points gun at waiter* GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING KEYS!

Waitress: *drops keys on the table*

Disheveled Dude: *tosses wads of cash at the waitress* That's easily $200,000. Go buy yourself a better car. You might want to make it quick. *runs out of IHOP*

Waitress: *watches disheveled dude speed off* Why is it so dark outside and where did everyone go? I guess it doesn't matter now, though. $200,000. That's a lot of money. I wonder what I'm gonna do with all this? I'm so excited that I'm lightheaded. The future is so bright now.

Wall of Darkness: *encroaches*

[musicalmelody001]

So, like, back on that crutches thing nobody cared about...

It's been a while. It's the end of the 4th week, and those estimated 2-3 weeks to heal were a LIE. My foot still hurts pretty much on the same level as it did on the third day- a fuck ton better than the first, but still an issue walking. Granted, I only used the crutches for 6 days before I got tired of using my entire lunch break walking TO the bathroom. So, like. Still hurts. Except, oh yeah. Some fun stuff. Someone hit my car the second week, and I walked without my crutches to the nearest store (two city major intersections) in heavy-ass rain to get some ducttape to put back together the pieces of my bumper that I had JUST replaced out-of-pocket. I wasn't gonna buy a new fucking bumper less than a month after getting this one. Fuck that. Then, THIS WEEK. This week started off with a bang if that bang is a gun that shoots you in the face with bullets that explode into fireworks that spell "Fuck You".

Monday, I woke up super late and instead of arriving 30min early as I prefer, I showed up 6 minutes late. Which is TECHNICALLY a fireable offense. Later, my co-worker asked me to drive her to her friend's house after work. Her car was out of comission and would otherwise walk home - 13ish miles. So I drove her to the opposite edge of the city, the long way around because of course the gps is messing up. I finally get her to her friend's house, and turn on the gps to head home. It's about 40 minutes since we left work, but GPS says 22min to home with light traffic. Sounds good. Wanna eat some ice cream. Monday was expected to be -and WAS- the worst/bussiest/most aggrivating day of the quarter, possibly TWO quarters. All the fucking stars alligned for the day from hell for the whole department for eight solid hours.

Anywhoo, heading onto the only highway for miles -because we're inthe middle of nowhere and there's just green everywhere outside of that one main street a mile back that had a neighborhood and like three businesses, and about a mile or so down the road I notice a bunch of heat in the cabin. Coming from the air vents. And a slight smoke smell. While the ac/heater was completely off. I take the upcoming exit, and pull over in a church parkinglot that suddely shows up amongst the freaking endless trees. Turm off the car. Get outside. Pop the hood. A WALL of heat blasts me, and I feel it as I hover my hand over the engine. Okay, no big deal, I'll let it cool. But, I'm out of gas. Might have trouble getting home.

Remembering the oil leak from last month, I check the dipstick. Looks dry, might be out of oil too. I pull out my phone to google the nearest gas station. It just barely see the words "3.4 miles", then my phone fucking shuts off on me, and it's useless now. Close the hood, lock the car. I walk over to the church. Lights off, doors locked. Parking lot empty. I walk around the side and see a few cars. I walk to another door. Locked. Dark inside. But there's an intercom on the side. I assume the people there must be employees working on something durring the week, like at the church I used to go to as a kid. I push the button and offer a hesitant "Hello?" No response. Great. I turn around and take a few steps away from the door, try to get my phone to turn back on. Not responding. After a minute or two I hear a click behind me. A big, burly dark-skinned dude (for reference for my comparison, my family are all around 6ft and a nice medium tan, except me, 5'3" and whiter than printing paper) has the (completely clear glass) door open the tiniest little crack and just looks at me, "Can I help you?"

"My car broke down, is there a gas station near here?" I ask. He gestures down the road blocked by trees, "That way," and closes the door.

I stare out to the road for a bit. That was... So... Not what I was expecting. Or that helpful, really. So I head back to my car, grab the 1gal gas tank in my trunk, and inspect my windows after noticing the broken glass on the ground. Not from my car, but it still does not instill confidence. I pull out the pepper spray from my purse and have it casually resting in my hand, locked, the loop around my wrist. I take my flashlight from my glove box and put it in my purse, just in case. It's hot now, but I drape my cardigan across my sounder, and start heading down the road.

And down, and down. Down a steep hill, my ankle starts screaming as I loose sight of the church between the trees, and I keep going. I pass the higjeay, go underneath it and keep walking in the same direction. And keep walking. Pass a pair of 2ft wooden crosses sticking out of the grass on the side of the road, with fresh flowers, and a small child's toy next to one of them. I feel a sudden chill. I keep walking. Further, I cross a road and keep going, no cars, no buildings, but also no trees now. Just grass. I keep going. The hill gets steeper, I see what MIGHT be the corner of a gas station on the horison, on the second peak ahead. I l

Keep walking, and the hill reaches small flat section before sloping back up. More grass, but now more trees. I see the edge of a biking trail in the distance to my right. Assuming that means a freaking TOWN, I keep going. Up more. Some dilapidated houses that may or may not still be in residence. An empty box of diapers in the middle of the road, that I carefully approach, looking both ways down the empty road, and check for animals before moving it to the side and off the road, placing it by a cinderblock nearby so it doesn't blow back into the road and cause an accident, hopefully. I keep walking. I reach some train tracks and stand there for three minutes, completely confused as to WHAT THE FUCK these road markings are supposed to mean.

The sun is setting and I can see the maybe-gas station not too far away, so I take a picture and keep walking. My ankle REALLY hurts. I finally make it to the gas station, the sun is lower, and I go inside. I pre-pay for a gallon of gas, and an item on the recipt I did not get. I ask and am told it is a fee for using a card, I don't believe him but don't care anymore. I want to go home. I'm told a pump. The pump does not dispense gas. I try again. No response. The screen says "see cashieer inside to pay". I head inside. I say it doesn't work. Clerk says it does. I confirm the number, and go back outside. I try it again. No dice. I hit the button a bit harder, pull the lever. Nothing. I roll my eyes again. Go back inside. Am told that I am not doing it right, that I need to press the button first. Go back outside, try three more times. Go back inside. Ignored. Go back outside, paranoid now that cars are starting to arrive that maybe it will suddenly work, and someone else will get the gas. I try again. Nope. I see someone walk up from behind me in my peripheral, and I think they try to ask me for change, but I ended up screaming frustratedly at the same exact time so they leave awkwardly.

I try AGAIN. Nope. No gas. Not flowing. I go back inside. The clerk is glaring like he never wants to see me again. I say it doesn't work. He says I already got the gas. "Bull shit! It hasn't done a fucking thing!" He goes outside with me to the pump, yelling at me, hits the side of the pump, and it starts working. What the fuck. Who gives a fuck, I'm so done. I get my gallon of overpriced gas, and start to walk away as I realize I forgot the oil. I'm not going back inside. I see a small convience-like store a block or two down. Walk to it. Am asked multiple times for change and/or cash. Repeately advise that I do not have any.

I get inside, and honest the food they're selling is probably SO sketchy but I'm starved. I skipped breakfast AND lunch, so at the moment it smells so good. I just want to get home and eat. But I only have a few dollars in my account, except for the money for my car payment that I'm expecting to go through any day now. I find some oil, more than I wanted to spend, and head back to the car. It's mega dark now. No stars. Just dark. There's a few street lights here by the stores, so I continue. Reply a few more times that I do not have cash to give.

I make it to the sidewalk where majority of my journey resided, and continue down the street. I put on my cardigan. Now I'm going uphill, and my ankle is asking how I want to die, because it's screaming. I don't know how long it's been. But it's dark and it's SURELY not 6pm amymore. When I reach the intersection back in the place with no trees, a car I had seen doing past me earlier had turned around, and pulled over. No cross-traffic. Sitting at a stop sign in my path. Inside the extra-long sleves of my cardigan, I palm my pepper-spray, and leave my thumb resting lightly on the safety lock. I stop about six or seven feet away from the stop-sign, hesitating. The passenger window rolls down a bit, but I can't see who's inside. "You need a ride?"

I hope that the person is well-meaning, and decline, saying I'm almost to my car. He asks if I'm sure, and after two more refusals he drives off. I continue.

A bit further, another car comes. They're heading the same way, but on the empty road they slow down, rolling down a window to shot accross the three uninhabited lanes, and ask if I need a ride. I decline once again, wishing that I didn't have to walk anymore but also paranoid once the sun sets, and continue walking. A bit later they slow down again, suggesting I get inside. I say I'm fine. I walk further to see they'd driven foreward then turned around, this time having opened the side door. I avoid eye-contact and walk a bit faster. I don't see them again. I pass the crosses and feel a shiver down my spine as my eyes tear up. I hurriedly walk away and the feeling passes.

I reach the highway and my eyesight is blurring. I'm exhausted and my balance is off, repeatedly stopping to steady myself to keep from falling onto the grass or into the road. I reach the last peak, and the lights stop. I'm walking on the sidewalk on the left side of the road now, and grab my flashlight, illuminating the way in front of me mostly to be visible to oncoming traffic as I cross an unmarked intersection.

Finally. In the distance. The church. The parking lot. My car that I left unattended for hours, most likely. I approach, checking again for broken windows and find none. The wind is strong and almost knocking me over. I unlock the car and put my things inside, sans the pepper spray, flashlight, and gas. Closing the door, pop my gas flap and begin the slow process of figuring out how the fuck to put the gas in my car with five pieces of plastic that combine to make a nozzle, and no instructions. Eventually the can is empty, and I put it back in the trunk. Now the oil. Grab the oil from inside, loop the pepper spray around my wrist, and turn on the flashlight to pop the hood. There's STILL residual heat coming from the engine. I put the hood all the way up and open the screw-top thing for the oil. No funnel, just gotta pour carefully. Empty the whole quart, hope it's enough to get home safe. Sudden gust of wind, the hood falls on me. Pissed off, I open it back up and curse, putting the screw-top thing back in place. Close the empty bottle of oil and throw it in the cab. I'm so done. Get back in my car. Almost out of gas. Drive down to the shitty gas station and get more gas, after an unpleasant encounter with the clerk. Hope that three gallons is enough to get home because now I'm, like, a dollar short for that car payment. Vaugely hoping that it'll wait until midnight when I get paid. Get back on the highway, phone plugged in and gps open. A few miles down, the cab is hot again. Ac/heat still off. Obviously it wasn't just the oil. I crack the windows to get rid of the heat and smoke smell. Stop at an autozone, they're about to close. I get some engine coolant that my car says it's out of. REALLY short for that car payment now. Sit outside as the nice autozone worker looks at my car and shows me where to put the coolant, and instructs me to wait AT LEAST an hour and a half after turning off the car before adding it. Tells me that it might not be what is causing the heat and smoke smell, though, just help with the overheating engine. I sit on the curb looking at my car with the hood up as the nice autozone people (who know me -and my car year make & model- by sight when I walk in the store these days. Honestly, after the sixth trip in Febuary, I got a rewards card because why the fuck not) close up for the night around me. One on them comes up to me and asks if I'm waiting to add the coolant. I honestly reply that I'm just debating drinking the coolant instead. I feel bad when he looks a bit upset. He's always so nice. I get up, decide I might as well go home and add the coolant in the morning. Head home following the gps. Drive for fifteen minutes before I notice I'm passing the SAME AUTOZONE and heading the opposite direction this time. Am pissed and woreed about gas. Finally get home, leave my shit in the car, and head inside. Check my phone. It's fucking 11. I'm so fucking done. My ankle fucking hurts. My car's still fucked up and I'm still broke. I check my bank account and see the car payment hasn't gone through yet. Hopefully it'll wait until tomorrow when I get paid. Force myself to eat a few bites of food becore going to bed.

In the morning I wake up early. Check my account, and sometime between when I got home and when I got paid, my car payment bounced. $25 return fee. Fml. Almost get into a wreck. Car's still blowing hot air with a hint of smoke. I'm late for work somehow. Life sucks. I tell my coworker I don't want to drive her there again. She gets pissed. My ankle throbs. This is my week.

So, like. Hope this was entertaining? Idk. Half wanted to vent, half wanting to see if anyone else knows WHAT THE FUCK those street markings are supposed to mean. They're too uniform to not be deliberate!