#Megan halfway gets her life together enough to post a story update

[badwolf-in-the-impala]

~Whiskey Lullaby~

~Chapter 11~

Image credit: Myself @badwolf-in-the-impala​. None of the images are mine, only the editing.

Previous Chapters:  ((Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10))

Rating: Mature/18+

Warnings: Alcohol and drug use/abuse, violence, suggested physical/sexual abuse, kidnapping, sexual content, angst...So much angst.

Chapter warnings: Language, smoking, someone gets punched in the face and a whole lotta feels.

Word count: 4,264

A/N: I’m a shitty person when it comes to posting, I’m sorry...I also forget this chapter even existed. Oops. x_x Also huge shoutout to @jacksonroseroth​ who helped in the making of this chapter and always comes to my recue when I get stuck writing! ^-^

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Once they were sure Tawni had left the room, Tig gave Teagan one last hug before jetting off, having gotten a text to meet the guys in the chapel. Teagan bit back her tears, having enough with crying for the day as she sat down in the chair beside Chibs’ bed. The steady beeping of the EKG machine drummed in her head as she sat there in silence. He wasn’t out of the woods, but he wasn’t dead. Her only regret was he hadn’t woken up yet so he could talk to her. Teagan just wanted to hear his voice right now, more than anything.

“God...I’ve really fucked it up this time.” She gave a bitter laugh as she shook her head, leaning her elbows forward onto the edge of the bed as she cradled her head in her hands. “I feel like this is all my fault, and the two people I trust and care about most? Well, Tawni hates me; And you?” 

Teagan let out a long sigh as she ran a hand through her dark hair, looking up to study a very unconscious Chibs. His head bandaged and face scraped in places from where he hit the ground during the explosion. He looked so broken and helpless lying in a hospital bed compared to his usual tough exterior that everyone saw. 

“Well -- You almost died.” She finally whispered, catching a stray tear with the back of her sleeve. “Shit, you still could. Please don’t.” Teagan choked out a sob as she took his hand gently, her voice going soft as she spoke to him. The fact that he likely couldn’t hear her briefly crossed her mind as she chewed her lower lip anxiously, but she continued anyway. 

 “There’s so much I need to tell you still...Things I should’ve told you already, probably, if I wasn’t so shit at talking about my feelings.” Teagan admitted guiltily. “Things I’m scared to admit because I’ve been here before, and I fucking swore to myself; I fucking swore! That I wouldn’t go down this road again. But alas, here I am. God I’m an idiot.” 

Things fell silent again for a little while, the steady beeping of the EKG machine being the only noise to fill the room once more. Teagan not knowing how to continue on, not that it mattered anyway. Chibs was unconscious and he would likely remain that way for quite a while. But the bigger question that had been weighing heavily on her mind -- Especially following her blow up with Tawni -- was not so much her own feelings, but his. It wasn’t something she had really even considered bringing up yet, what with everything that had been going on. But now? Now she wondered.

Just what exactly was it that he saw he saw in her? I mean sure, it wasn’t like things were really that serious between them, but they were serious enough that he cared for her well being. Her safety even. He cared enough to help her put herself back together every time she fell apart, even though he barely knew anything about her. Save for the story that had been pieced together all those years ago when she left Charming. The story that everyone knew so well. The story, that was only half truth.

Teagan could feel the tears beginning to prick behind her eyes again, forcing herself to draw in a few deep breaths as she tightened her grip on Chibs’ hand, trying her best to ground her emotions again. But her voice still faltered as she spoke aloud the question she wasn’t certain would ever be answered.

“What is it exactly that you see in me?” Tegan whispered. Her brows pulled tightly together in confusion as she ran a thumb carefully across his scared cheek and down his jawline before allowing her hand to fall away. Before Teagan could say anything else, the door swung open, making her jump. She quickly pulled her hand away and wiped her face as she stood. “Sorry, Doc. I just wanted to-”

As Teagan turned, expecting Tara to be standing in the doorway, she, instead, came face to face with an older, darker skinned woman with black hair that had begun to salt and pepper, holding onto the bag slung over her shoulder with a hip popped, hand propped on it, with a posh and annoyed look on her face.

“Oh. Um, sorry. I thought you were--Who are you?” Teagan asked, slightly confused. She’d never seen this woman around the clubhouse before and Chibs never mentioned any woman that even came close to what she looked like.

“I think the question here would be who the hell are you?” She asked, a thick Irish accent coming through. Teagan’s eyes shrunk back.

Oh, God, not another one. Teagan thought. She’d never met Tawni’s mother and she hoped to God this wasn’t her. Granted Tawni was as pale as the day was long, but stranger things have happened. Taken aback by the woman, Teagan blinked and cleared her throat before she said, “Um, I’m-I’m Teagan?”

The woman pursed her lips and gave a soft ‘Mhm’ as she rounded the bed and set her bag down. Tossing her dark mane over her shoulder, she turned back to Teagan and said, “And would ye mind tellin’ me why yeh’re so broken and upset over m’husband’s accident? And why you were touchin’ him like that?”

It took everything Teagan had to not let her mouth drop open in shock and start yelling. Chibs never once mentioned he had a wife. Not when he held her that first night, not when she spent multiple nights in his bed. He didn't even bother to tell her when they were mere articles of clothing away from doing the do.

‘Alright…That puts a new spin on shit.’ Teagan thought, not trusting herself enough to say anything out loud just yet. Teagan opened her mouth to explain, but the woman cut her off with a wave of her hand and said, “No. Don’t tell me. I don’ need ta’hear any lies out’o a Crow Eaters mouth.”

“Excuse me?!” Teagan shrieked. That one label sent her over the edge. She did her share of whoring around when she was younger, but goddamnit! She was the sister of one of the members! She was as far from a Crow Eater as you could get without being an Old Lady! “Listen, who the hell do you think you are?! You don’t know me!”

“Oh, sure, please!” The woman shouted back. “I know Filip has his fun wit’ you American girls. But never once has one o’them shown their face when I’m around!”

Teagan was about to channel Tawni and reach across Chibs’ bed for a right hook to her face, when a nurse hurried in through the open door.

“What is going on? ICU is for immediate family only!” She said. Teagan opened her mouth to lie and say she was family, but the Irish woman beat her to it with, “I’m his wife.”

The nurse gave her a sweet smile and nodded before turning to Teagan and saying, “Miss Trager, you need to leave. Dr. Knowles is looking for you anyway.”

Teagan huffed at the nurse, shooting daggers at the woman before turning on her heel and marching out of the room.

~

Gemma had lost track of Teagan after reprimanding Jax and just prayed that Teagan didn't end up running back into Tawni. She really didn't need to deal with an angry Irish girl and a Trager, at least not at the same time. The last thing they needed was an all out brawl between a couple of hot headed biker chicks on hospital grounds. But after checking around with a few of the guys, she confirmed that Tawni had indeed gone back to the Clubhouse. And judging from the commotion coming from down the hall nearest Chibs’ room, Gemma could only guess that’s where Teagan had ended up.

“Shit.” Gemma muttered under her breath as she quickened her pace as she moved towards whatever in the hell was going on; Stepping back just in time as Teagan blew around the corner and passed her, Tara hot on her heels trying her best to stop her.

“I’m serious, Teagan, you really need to stay overnight for observation! You have a concussion for Christ sake, just let me help!” Tara tried to reason.

“I don’t fucking need anymore help!” Teagan stopped so suddenly that Tara almost smacked right into her. Taking a quick step back with a wide eyed expression as Teagan rounded on her like a viper about to strike its prey. 

“Hey! Knock it the hell off!” Gemma managed to butt in between the two, putting a hand to Teagan’s chest as she pushed her back. “This isn’t the goddamn WWE. Now why don’t you calm down and tell me what the hell is going on?” 

“He has a fuckin’ wife!” Teagan all but screeched before storming off down the hall towards the exit to the stairs. ‘Explains a lot.’ Gemma thought to herself, pinching the bridge of her nose as she turned to face Tara. “I got it from here, Doc.”

“Good luck.” Tara called after her as Gemma took off after Teagan, catching her on the stairs.

“Wanna slow down before I have a fucking heart attack?” Gemma shouted as she struggled to catch up in hopes of talking Teagan out of whatever in the hell she was about to do.

“Fuck off, Gem!” Teagan shouted back as she hit the last flight of stairs and made her break for the door. Gemma caught her by the arm just as she was stepping outside. “Seriously, Gem, I don’t want to fucking hear it.”

“And what is it exactly you think I’m gonna say?” Gemma shot back, hands flying to her hips as she gave Teagan an irritated and disapproving look. 

“I don’t fucking know!?” Teagan yelled as she fished around in her pockets angrily for her pack of smokes, struggling to light one as her hands trembled from all the emotions coursing through her. So angry at this point she could hardly see straight. “I told you so? You’re a fucking idiot? Stay away and stop getting involved with the fucking Club members?!” 

Teagan gave a brief pause as she took a long drag off of her cigarette, running a hand aggressively through her dark hair as she exhaled. “Jesus, fuck; Why didn’t you tell me he had a fucking wife?!” She rounded on Gemma, who stood still as a statue, waiting for her moment to interject. 

“Maybe ‘cause it ain’t my place, for starters.” Gemma snapped. “And before you go jumping on that fuckin’ high horse of yours, maybe take a step back and think? It’s not like he fuckin’ knows shit about your own past, aside from the bullshit story everyone else knows. So why would he feel obligated to tell you anything about his? Especially when you two aren’t even exclusive. I mean Jesus, Teag, have you two even talked about your feelings?”

“No…” Teagan admitted reluctantly, taking another drag off the cigarette burning between her fingers as she turned her back. Gemma had a point, even if Teagan didn’t want to admit it. But that didn’t change the fact she felt lied to. Betrayed even. Even if Chibs was never hers to begin with, it didn’t change the fact that he had kept this very important bit of information from her. 

“Then why should it matter?” Gemma stated. “His business is his business, nobody else’s!”

“He’s fuckin’ married, Gem!” Teagan shouted as she whirled around, seething again. “I don’t give two fucking shits why, or what his reasonings for not telling me are, that’s not something you just keep from the person you’re getting involved with!”

 “Jesus Christ…” Gemma gave a frustrated sigh as she closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Teage--”

“NO, Gemma, I’m done. I’m.Fucking.Done.” Teagan cut her off before taking one last drag, flicking the cigarette butt to the sidewalk as she began looking around for a way back to the Clubhouse. Panic setting in as she realized everyone had gone home except for Gemma. 

“Look, Sweetheart, I know you’re upset, and don’t get me wrong, you have every right to be--But this ain’t the time.”

“Seriously, just save it! OK?” Teagan snapped, closing her eyes as she rubbed at her temples. A sudden wave of dizziness hitting her out of nowhere.

“You need to calm down…Let’s just go back inside for a bit till you cool off.” Gemma stated firmly as she moved to take Teagan by the arm and lead her back inside. Gritting her teeth as Teagan pushed her way.

“I’m fine...Gem…” Teagan shot back as she pulled away, reaching a hand out to steady herself against the pillar in front of her as the edges of her vision started to blur. But by then, it was already too late. Her hand missed the pillar entirely and her vision quickly went black as she fell to the ground, Gemma managing to grab her before her head hit the concrete.

“Shit…” Gemma muttered as she laid Teagan carefully on the sidewalk before rushing back inside the hospital to grab a nurse.

~

The slow and steady beeping filled her ears as Teagan came to, finally hooked up to monitors and IVs. She let out a soft groan as the EKG beeps began to pound against her skull. Before she could have any other reaction, from the corner, almost making her jump and fall out of bed, she heard Gemma say, “Oh, good. You’re not dead.”

“Jesus Fuck, Gemma!” Teagan shouted, the EKG beeping wildly for a moment or two before the steady pace continued. Teagan sighed and tried to move but found it rather painful with needles sticking out of her arms. She sighed and shifted, trying to get a better look at her surroundings. “Why am I still here?”

Gemma slapped down the magazine in her hand and crossed her legs. “Because you almost took a fuckin’ cement nap if I hadn’t caught you, Teagan Marie.” She said. Teagan let out another groan.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Gemma! Not the middle name shit! I got that enough growing up!” She said. Gemma uncrossed her legs and stood, stalking over to her bed.

“I don’t give a shit what you got growing up, missy.” Gemma said. “You’ve done enough damage, you don’t need any more in your life. You don’t want me to treat you like you did growing up? Then fuckin’ grow up!”

Gemma walked away from the bed and grabbed her purse from the table next to her chair and made for the door. With her emotions running high, probably from the drugs Tara put her on, Teagan fought her tears, though they came through as she said, “Wait...Gem. Please don’t leave me alone…”

Gemma stopped and turned to her. Teagan couldn’t stop the tears seeping from the corners of her eyes as she struggled not to completely break down and sob. Gemma sighed and set her bag back down, going back over to her and taking her hand.

“Teagan...This is serious shit we’re in right now. And if you’re gonna stick around, you’ll be involved. Do you really think it’s a good idea to get involved with Chibs? Let alone any member right now?” Gemma asked, lowering her voice to a softer tone. Teagan sighed, looking away from Gemma, angry with herself for crying again.

“I don’t know, Gem. It-It’s different this time. With Chibs.” She said. “He doesn’t treat me like I’m a no good degenerate like everyone else does.”

“Oh, baby.” Gemma said with a soft chuckle. “That’s not true; Jax doesn’t. Tawni never did. Clay doesn’t. I don't.”

Teagan gave her a look that made Gemma smirk and add, “Alright...Not all the time. But still, Teagan, I mean…”

“Gemma.” Teagan took a breath and said, “I think I might be in love with him.”

Gemma blinked, shocked, and said, “Are-Are you serious? Jesus, Teage, you’ve known him for like, a month.”

Teagan rolled her eyes and sighed. “Fuck. Gemma. I’m trying to be fucking happy for once in my life! Genuinely happy! And he’s fucking married!” Teagan said.

“Honey. That’s never stopped him before. Jimmy O’Phelan stole Fiona from Chibs before he exiled him from Ireland. Sure he still loves her, but...Well, he has needs too. He’s had relationships in the past. It doesn’t bother him. Why should it bother you?” Gemma asked.

“Maybe because I don’t want to be called a fucking Crow Eater by that bitch again?” Teagan hissed, her anger getting the better of her and making the EKG go off again. Gemma sighed and said, “Alright, honey, you need to calm down. If you want the Doc to clear you to leave, you’ve gotta get that anger under control.”

Teagan sighed and nodded, closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths. Good God, did she want to get out of this fucking hospital. She cleared her throat and said, “Um, is-is he awake?”

“Teagan…” Gemma sighed.

“Gem, I just want to make sure he’s okay. Tell him I’m sorry.” She said.

“For what?” Gemma asked. Teagan opened her mouth to respond, but stopped when she realized she wasn’t quite sure.

“I-I-” Gemma stopped her and said, “Look. Before you do anything, I want you cleared by the doc. Make sure everything is working right up there. You’ve taken a few punches already and we don’t need you passing out on us again.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Alright. But can we make it quick? I want to fucking shower too.” Teagan said. Gemma chuckled and gave Teagan a kiss on her cheek before she left the room to flag down Tara.

~

After a lengthy talk about making sure she was monitored for the next few days, Tara finally cleared her to leave. Teagan couldn’t change fast enough. Gemma had run back to the clubhouse and packed her a small bag of new clothes. Once she changed and the papers were signed, Gemma walked Teagan up to Chibs’ floor and stopped her.

“Just give me a minute, Teagan, okay?” Gemma said, sitting the girl down in a nearby chair before sidestepping to the door. With her hand on the door knob, she stopped when she saw Fiona sitting in the chair, reading a magazine.

‘Oh, shit.’ She thought as she slowly opened the door and walked in. Fiona glanced up as the door opened as surprised to see Gemma as Gemma was to see her. With a sigh and uncrossing her legs, Fiona put down her magazine and stood. Gemma went to the counter to set down her bag as she said, “You’re a long way from home, sweetheart.”

“Yes. I am.” Fiona said, rather matter of factly. Gemma braced a hand on the counter, the other on her hip and asked, plainly, “Why?”

“I was worried about him.” Fiona said, almost a hint of offence in her voice. Gemma looked unconvinced as she said, “Could’ve sent flowers.”

Fiona’s face was full of annoyance at this point, uphased at how much Gemma hadn’t changed over the years. With an equal annoyance in her voice, she said, “Just needed to see him, Gemma.”

Gemma glanced at Chibs, making sure he wasn’t awake and listening as she crossed in front of Fiona and said, “We are in a shit storm here. The last thing we need is you turning him inside out.”

Teagan stayed out of view from the window on the door, ear pressed to it, listening. She didn't know what Gemma meant by ‘turning him inside out’, but she didn't need an interpreter for it, and booked it, swiping her bag from the chair and beelining for the elevator. Clearly, this Fiona woman had an effect on Chibs and, after all, she was his fucking wife. She didn't want to ruin Chibs’ relationship with her and had her mind made up, even before she hijacked Tig’s bike, parked with the others. She hotwired the Harley, strapped on Tig’s helmet and took off as the club came running back outside, ready to deal a beat down, but they were all caught off guard to see Teagan as the thief.

“Hey! Teagan-!” Tig called in disbelief. He sighed and turned to his crew, staring at them for a moment before he said, “Unbelievable.”

~

Teagan lit into the Clubhouse like the place was on fire. Ignoring Piney’s attempts to slow her down and tell him what the hell was going on as she passed by the bar and made her way down the hall to the dorms; Throwing the door to her room open. The sound of it slamming against the wall sending an echo loud enough down the hallway that it could’ve woke people up in the next County over. 

Grabbing her pack from the closet she quickly began to stuff in the essentials. Making sure to do so quickly as she knew at least a few of the guys would be on their way back and pulling in soon. Tig being among them, given she had just stolen his pride and joy. So the sooner she got out of there, the better. Besides, the last thing she wanted was anyone trying to stop her…

Her mind was made up...She was done. Charming had been her last chance at a safe haven, but now that had been shattered into a million pieces and all because she let her feelings get in the way. Just like she always did. Funny she had actually believed that things had actually turned in her favor for once, and that maybe she finally had a shot at real happiness despite the shitstorm that had been chasing her all her life. But she couldn’t have been more wrong.

“What in the fuck are you doing?” Tawni grumbled crankily from the doorway of Teagan’s room, still half asleep; Teagan turning and narrowing her gaze. 

“Leaving.” Teagan snapped as she tugged the zipper on her pack shut and threw it over her shoulder before stalking out of the room. Shoulder checking Tawni on the way out when she didn’t move.

“Seriously?!” Tawni huffed as she turned and started after Teagan. “You’re gonna be a bitch this fucking early?!”

“I’m done. Gone. Not fucking coming back. You should be fucking happy!” Teagan rounded on Tawni, causing her to take a step back as she stared at Teagan a little shocked as those few that remained in the Clubhouse fell silent. “Can’t fuck your Uncle if I’m not around anymore, right? Because as if things weren’t shitty enough -- To add insult to injury, my best fucking friend--Sorry ex best friend, just assumes, that I would go behind her back in such a way--”

“Teagan--”

“Fuckin’ save it Tawn, ‘cause I don’t give a shit anymore.” Teagan cut her off before she could even start. “And to think, I actually fucking cared...I mean genuinely fucking cared, for the first time in a long time...But he’s married, so crisis averted. ” She laughed bitterly, turning on her heel as she started for the door again.

“And you’re answer to it all is to run like a fucking coward? Just like you’ve always done?!” Tawni started after Teagan again, not ready to let her go so easily. But she stopped when Teagan dropped her bag abruptly, her fist suddenly connecting with Tawni’s jaw, sending her to the floor.  

“I thought you were my fucking friend.” Teagan’s voice was calm, showing in it the level of hurt she was feeling right now as she shook her head.

“C’mon, Kid, don’t do this.” Piney butted in as he got to his feet, holding his hands out as if he was trying to calm a wild animal as he approached her. Stopping when Teagan held out a hand to stop him, and picked up her bag.

“Save it.”

“What the fucking Christ, Teagan?!” Tig hollered as he came bursting through the doors of the Clubhouse, Jax and Opie close behind. 

“Don’t.” Teagan snapped coldly as she pushed past her brother and out the door; yanking her arm from Opie’s grasp when he tried to grab her.

“Come on, Rave...Don’t do it like this.” Opie pleaded with a sympathetic expression as he stared down at her as she pushed past him out the door. “At least tell us what’s going on?”

“She’s fuckin’ my Goddamn Uncle, is wha’s goin’ on!” Tawni shouted as she came flying out the door in the midst of all the chaos, hellbent on finishing what had just been started.

“You know…” Teagan gave another hollow sounding laugh, turning with tears in her eyes to face Tawni who stopped when she saw her twisted expression. “I actually wish I had gotten the chance.”

Without another word she turned, crossing the lot the rest of the way to her bike, securing her pack to the sissy bar before she climbed on and pulled on her helmet. The sound of the engine roaring to life drowning out Tig’s shouts as he came running across the Teller-Morrow lot after her; Falling just short  of reaching her as she pulled out of her space and hit the throttle. Leaving behind a sea of shocked and confused faces in her wake as she left it all behind.

Hellbent on never looking back.

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Lemme know what you guys think! I promise things pick up soon and get more interesting lol And if you want to be added the taglist, or removed ((it’s been a long time, I’d understand if anyone's lost interest)) just let me know. I’m actually getting ahead on chapters, so hopefully I’ll be able to start posting a little more often.

TAGLIST: @jacksonroseroth​ @cole-winchester​ @stacie-marie-bloom​ @journeyrose​ @penny4yourthot​ @xbreezymeadowsx​ @miss-nori85​

[princessmelina]

Wow after posting this and glancing at the length of it I realize... I should really go sleep now, and who knows what I’ll think when I reread this tomorrow

It’s been... at least 2 months, maybe almost 3, since I had that bout of eating so much I made myself feel awful and then not eating the next meal because I was still so dang full at least twice a week for a few weeks. After I came back from visiting my parents in Oregon and started up with a personal trainer (mainly to increase my strength but also to see if I could get any use from tips on how to eat more like a normal person), between that and karate I seemed to be doing alright, managing my eating well enough, mostly back to just overeating (not to the point of feeling blergh though) on the weekends when hanging out with friends.

But of course I just had to feel overwhelmed enough this week I broke and overate yesterday and today during lunch, so much I felt ugh the rest of the day and couldn’t (or wouldn’t?) eat dinner. But added fun this time, I’ve slept most of the past 2 days away (I sleep more than a person probably should anyway but wow this has been a lot of naptime even for me). And the universe might just be trying to tell me something since in the past few days, two completely separate people I follow reblogged the exact same post that talks about depression meals not just being eating not enough but eating too much too.

Which, okay, probably should have guessed before but I don’t know what triggered it those few months ago and I thought it was just my usual food struggles where I love the taste of everything too much and always want to eat and dealing with all that is tiring enough. But this week I get it. Tried to cheer myself up with my accomplishment on Thursday where my personal trainer got me farther than I expected on my handstand progress but that still didn’t quite work.

Buying a house is awful and stressful and I’m so grateful for everything my family is doing to help me (my mom especially, and also my dad and uncle) but I also wish they could just be here to do it for me because I am not adult enough for this! I don’t know what I’m doing! I keep trying to tell that to my mom and uncle because they don’t want to like, barge in on my business or whatever and I’m like please! Take over even! But at the same time I’m also hesitant to ask them for help even though I shouldn’t be because I don’t want to bother them and I feel like I should be handling things more myself. But almost every step of the process so far, every time I send my mom and update of what I’ve done she’s like, oh no, you should have talked with us before you did that. Not because I’m messing up super hugely but I’m still kinda messing up minor things that could add up to be bad for me and she just wants to make sure I get the best deal out of this situation.

This is why I hate being nicknamed the “golden child”, no matter how much anyone might be joking when they say it. I barely ever know what I’m doing, I just seem like I do. I’m just good at not outwardly panicking. But I feel like my whole life - and I keep trying to explain this to my parents but I think they still might not quite get it - almost every decision I make, especially major ones, is made because I’m too afraid of the other options. Get good grades in school? Gotta make sure it happens because what if I don’t get into a good enough college otherwise. Go straight to university after high school instead of taking a year off or going to community college or something? Gotta make sure I do that because I don’t want to lose that in-state scholarship from those tests or whatever and going in-state is easier because then I don’t have to work too hard to find housing or transportation or whatever, I just live with my parents. Parents and sister are moving to Oregon halfway through my college years? I’m gonna stay here in AZ because I know everyone here already and I won’t have to try to make new friends and I can even stay with my grandma who needs a roommate. Move in with my friend after I graduate? Might as well and she’s even doing most of the work, her and her mom, finding us an awesome apartment to live in - and I want to hang out with friends more and feel bad inviting them over to my grandma’s where even if we bother her she’d be too nice to say anything. Take a job at the bakery my friend works at? I need the money and no one else is hiring and they love my friend and now me as well thanks to her. And so on and so forth up to buying this house.

I hate living alone but I don’t think I’m strong enough to live with anyone else still (my sister lived with me for a year after she came back to AZ from Oregon because she missed friends/family here and probably other reasons too, and now it’s been a little over a year since she moved a few blocks away to go live in a house with 6 other friends, and I’m still a little devastated that we couldn’t make it work because if I can’t live in a house with my own sister who I lived with all our lives except for the few years she lived in Oregon, who can I live with where we won’t somehow both get on each other’s nerves?), so I really want a dog (have for a long time anyway but now I’m longing even more for that companionship and thinking of our family dog a lot and how great he was). But this house setup isn’t that great for a dog, especially a big one like I want, and the backyard still has debris and stuff from my uncle’s projects... so logically, let’s buy a house!! (Because I can’t rent because almost nowhere will allow you to keep a big dog, and definitely not a pitbull/pit mix like I’d probably get because that’s what our family dog was and that’s what mostly fills the shelter.)

And also there was that whole thing with the drunk/high guy getting in a couple years ago (okay I shouldn’t have opened the door at like 5am when I wasn’t sure of who it was but normally I know better and plus my cousins and sister were sleeping over at the time... it’s a long story you can ask if you wanna know) and then a few weeks before I visited Oregon this year my door getting kicked in (no one got in but this time I was alone and man! does your body get tense when you hear that bang so early in the morning and it’s just you, your phone, and your knife as you wonder if you’re gonna have to battle someone while in your pajammies - again. also another story too long for this but ask if you feel like it). I don’t even live in a bad neighborhood, it’s like half families and half college kids who don’t even throw loud parties or anything. How do I attract these things???

Anyway everyone I tell that I’m buying a house is so excited and/or proud of me. Megan, you’re 25 and buying a house what a great accomplishment, especially at your age! So responsible! So good with her money! And I smile and nod and in the moment maybe even get a little excited myself because yeah, how cool is that, me having my own whole house that is all mine? And I can have my dog now!! But then I think about how I’ll have to deal with anything that goes wrong rather than asking my landlord uncle, and it’s just so dang much money what happens if I lose this job or something? And how the heck do I think I can take care of a dog when I’m barely managing to take care of myself from moment to moment????

So there’s all that in my head pretty much constantly for a couple months, intensifying after my offer got accepted on this house at the beginning of October. Then last week I have a party and invite a bunch of friends, even a couple that I don’t see as often as some of the others and are like, sort of different circles but not exactly? I dunno. But it was a little strange, not necessarily in a bad way, because almost everyone was split into couples except for me and one of my closest friends (and her sister but I think her sister isn’t quite as... longing for a romantic relationship as we are, or if she is we don’t talk about it the same haha). And that friend and I both felt it I think, wishing more than usual to have a romantic partner of our own (although out of the four “couples” it was really only my sister and her boyfriend together, and my other friend that has a boyfriend it’s long-distance but they text a lot (it’s so cute, he better be good to her or I will travel to his country and punch him if need be) but anyway) so that didn’t help my thoughts this week, even though that stuff’s always in the back of my mind anyway it was pestering me more.

But even worse than that, I’ve been wondering if I kinda messed up my sister’s boyfriend’s visit for her, he lives in California and was visiting for the weekend. And I know she wanted to spend more alone time with him but I convinced them them to come to the Voltron party anyway (it was basically an all-day thing) though I didn’t expect them to stay the whole time, and it’s not like I forced them to stay at my house, but still... I feel like I was being kinda selfish ‘cause I really wanted them to hang out with us. But I also stopped them from going to the guest room to watch anime when they first arrived (because they didn’t want to rewatch season 1 yet again and would rejoin us for s2) and I told them we’d skip it but then I still played the last few eps of s1 because another friend hadn’t seem them... ugh I just feel bad and like I often force my likes and preferences for the way I want things to go on other people like that and sure, like I said I’m not physically forcing any of my friends to participate but pretty much all of them are also nicer than me and might not say anything if they are actually getting bored with the shows I have us marathon? I don’t know. And in this case I’m worried about bringing it up with my sister because if I did kinda ruin her time with her boyfriend visiting (he’s also the friend of the rest of us but still, I understand her want for alone time even more then since she normally has to share him with all of us in other things like when we all go to cons together) I’m not sure I wanna know especially since I can’t change it now. But if I didn’t what if bringing it up influences her to think about it that way and I retroactively mess it up???

I don’t normally doubt my actions so much, what’s in the past is done and I just try to learn from it and get better every time, but for some reason I’ve just been questioning things a lot this week and it’s worn me out more than ever. And my brain (ever since I was pretty young actually) always goes back to “well if only you had a special someone, and you were just theirs and they were just yours, they’d be able to support you through things like this and you could talk with them like you talk with your other closest friends and maybe even things wouldn’t get so bad in your brain because you’d have accomplished the one dream you’ve had the longest and wished for the most - being in love with someone who loves you”. But those thoughts sometimes hurt the worst because of all my dreams that’s the one I can’t force - I can’t accomplish it just by working harder, improving myself, or whatever. I just have to keep looking and meeting people and talking with people and I can’t even just do that since I need to have at least a good-friend-level connection with someone before actually feeling comfortable enough to have real romantic feelings for them and/or go out on a date with them (otherwise as happened once, they ask me out and I agree and then proceed to feel sick with anxiety for like 3 days - because why would they ask me out they know so little about me why would they like me enough to want to go on a date I’m going to completely disappoint them if they think I’m this cool social person when I’m just like that at cons and the rest of the year I just like to stay at home and watch things and read and sleep and write and maybe plan outings, but not go out into the world with little notice - before finally telling them I can’t do it, sorry, it’s me not you I swear). Yet at the same time anyone who is even a little bit nice to me, smiles at me, compliments me on anything, my brain goes straight to “omg what would it be like if this cool person liked you, wouldn’t it be amazing, you two would probably be so great together and go on awesome adventures and hey look at all these great scenarios even though you literally talked with them for less than a minute or maybe have never met them in person at all”.

I’m tired, friends. And I want to be there for my sister who was probably feeling more lonely this week after only a few short days with her boyfriend who I think she really loves. And I want to hang out with my cousins who are both so busy with work. And I want to do stuff with my other friends that they’re so excited to do but I’m just stuck in this... blah. I worked so hard my whole life to be that person that people could count on, the one to cheer everyone up, the one that you can always count on to be calm and happy, but I think it kinda backfired because now people expect things like me being responsible and knowing what I’m doing. And only my parents know most of the problems I have, I don’t want to burden my sister since she rarely talks about her issues and she’s had friends who (probably unintentionally, but still) take advantage of that and go on all the time about their own problems without asking her how she’s doing (at least I try to ask her, but she doesn’t often let it all out). Similarly with most of my friends, we don’t talk as much as we used to about our really big problems, maybe only going to some large stresses sometimes. And it’s really only my one friend who I can talk with about the wanting that significant other thing since she’s the only one I know for sure has wished for it as much as I have (even though we’re both totally awesome single people and know we don’t need anyone, we still would like it...) and also I know she’ll vent to me the same amount I vent to her so I don’t have to worry there. And of course... whoever reads my lengthy rambles here on tumblr knows so, there you go. 8P

Anyway I’m sure everyone who’s alive already knows life’s hard, so I guess there’s not much more to say other than I’m gonna keep chugging along, doing my best, hoping and dreaming even when it hurts (and yes, I’ll also continue to be this dramatic in writing and probably even more so in real life). I hope everyone reading this is having a better week than I have been and if not, I hope you also feel free to rant to me! Because it’s nice to feel like I’m there for someone and possibly helping even if it’s not much more than just listening... and for me getting all these thoughts out of my head and solidified somewhere else helps, even if just while I’m writing it out. 8) I hope you all get whatever comfort you might need too. <3