#Mom Sings Christian Hymn To Baby

[officialyourdailyinspiration]

A cute baby has precious reaction to hearing his mom singing a Christian hymn ‘Jesus loves me this I know.’ Initially, the baby appeared surprised and shocked by the sudden sound as the mother started singing the song, but soon...

[queenlucythevaliant]

Here's what I'll say regarding choice of worship music (and I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, so bear with me): I think it's very easy to get burned out on specific kinds of worship, no matter what they are. And that kind of burn-out is hard.

I grew up at a church that did 95% CCM for worship, and after a while it either (a) exhausted me emotionally or (b) bored me. By the time I hit high school, I really really struggled with corporate worship because it felt as though I wasn't responding as I was supposed to. Getting to sing mostly hymns at the church I attended at college was a huge breath of fresh air, and it helped me immensely in terms of re-orienting my heart towards Christ-centered worship (as opposed to me-centered worship.) For the first time in my life, I found myself listening to Christian music on my own time during the week.

I watched the recent Jesus Revolution movie with mom over the summer. Her family started attending Calvary Chapel (then-nascent hippy church in Orange County) midway through her childhood, and she got really excited talking about the difference between the hymns she remembered from early elementary school ("we sang the whole hymnal rather than selecting for the really good ones like they do at your church") and the much more dynamic music that came out of Maranatha and other early "contemporary" Christian groups. She actually played me a whole bunch of the songs she grew up with the next morning. They sounded horrifically cheesy to me, but she got real joy out of it and even ended up texting a few songs to my aunt.

And yet, my mom has remarked a whole bunch of times to me that she really can't stand current CCM; that she desperately misses singing the old hymns. I look at myself and my own experience and I can totally see myself coming back to some of the CCM songs I grew up with and encountering Christ through them all new again. As recently as last month, I had a really beautiful experience driving back from a concert crazy late at night with my sister and listening to some of the old Chris Tomlin and Hillsong stuff that I hadn't heard in a while. It brought me back to a sense of incredible comfort and safety nestled up against God like a baby chick. Do I want to worship with that sort of music every week right now? No, definitely not. But it has its place.

Obviously worship transcends something as incidental as music genre. It's an expression of why we were created: glorifying God and enjoying him forever --- and yet, because of the fall, it's really easy to get burned out on specific expressions of worship. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing so much as just a symptom of the fall. I also think that people who are really burned out on a particular kind of worship can be really, really obnoxious about it. I know I was for a while, and I still definitely have my hangups with CCM.

But like- I don't think it's so much about judgement or superiority towards the kind of worship music that you're burnt out on as it is just the overwhelming sense that that kind of worship music felt exhausting and this kind of music actually feels like I'm able to worship again. I know when I started singing hymns at church, it just felt like I'd found the Rosetta Stone. I was suddenly so much less in my own head on Sunday mornings and oh my goodness singing to God was a joy again and I can't remember but I don't think it's ever been a joy like this before has it?? It was almost like my head was spinning with some great new revelation and when I was obnoxious about it it was mostly a manifestation of my being like Why didn't anyone ever tell me it could be like this? Why isn't everyone singing hymns? It's just so much better this way!

Mostly, it just feels like saying "don't be overly critical of how other Christians like to worship" kind of. Misses the trees for the forest, if that makes sense? Like, it's accurate to the big picture, it's absolutely a true and worthwhile thing to say. But at the same time it kind of rankles for me because it misses how it feels to be truly and deeply alienated by the kind of worship you're exposed to.

For better and for worse, worship is (I think) the spiritual discipline that engages the emotions most directly. The feeling of being in a group of people all worshipping together, and your heart just isn't responding right no matter how you try to re-focus and orient it? It's one of the loneliest feelings I know.

[sharpnothashtag]

My dad was a music minister. I was at church every time the doors were open. I watched VeggieTales before I could speak. I spent long nights in the church while Dad worked and Mom prepared for VBS. When I was too sick to go to school, I slept in my dad's office on a handbell cushion.

I was at church almost as much as I was at home. I did my homework there; I ate meals there; I worked one of my first jobs there.

When I was 12, I joined the youth group. My friends left me. I still had baby teeth when my Sunday School class, who had decided I was gay, gang sodomized/raped me with a box of tampons. When I asked them why, they said this was for when praying the gay away didn't work.

I put it out of my head. They were trying to save my soul, right?

A few months later, the leadership team (older people from the youth group) beat the shit out of me in the garden my mom and I started years before as a mother-daughter project. When I asked them why, they said they cared, and they didn't want me to go to hell for being gay. They HAD to beat it out of me.

I cleaned myself off and put it out of my head. This literally meant that they cared enough to keep me from eternal damnation. I was worth saving, right?

No one talked to me. I stopped talking at church. I was kicked out of every group except for my dad's choir. I only sang--I wouldn't speak unless I was with my dad. Every once in a while, I would muster up the courage to say something, but then my entire body would tense up. I didn't deserve to be there. Something was wrong with me.

I had accepted Christ. I read my Bible every single morning. I prayed for God to change my circumstances or change me. The Jesus they were talking about didn't seem like the one I read about in the scriptures, but that didn't necessarily mean that I was right about that.

I was truly, truly alone.

Through all of this, I was a teenager who LOVED VeggieTales. So, at the end of the day, even though I was alone, I had Bob to give me a good talking to; I had Larry to keep me laughing. I had Jimmy and Jerry and Jean-Claude and Philipe and Junior and Archibald and Scooter and Madame Blueberry and the Scallions to keep me going (and yes, all the rest, too). When I had a question about scripture, I brought it to Grampa George. When I was having a bad day, I'd go talk to Laura and Annie. When I needed a hero, LarryBoy was always there for me.

At 14, I was an on-and-off member of the Praise Team. We sang contemporary Christian music by Chris Tomlin, Hillsong, Casting Crowns, etc. I listened to it and sang it constantly. I did that kind of singing nonstop for different churches until I was 24.

My background in Dad's choir was mostly Hymn arrangements and Gaither Vocal Band. I sang a LOT of that as well. When I got to college, I was hired to do that at churches as well as the Contemporary thing.

Finally, at 24, I discovered that I was NOT past my church trauma--in fact, I was just remembering most of it. I changed denominations to get back to a more traditional service.

I've worked hard in therapy on my church trauma, and church is still hard for me. I keep going, and I continue to heal in new ways every day.

In my head, I still had the community of Veggies. Even though I also had people, the Veggies were always there to keep me grounded in what my faith was really about.

Today, on my way to church, God told me to play some Christian music in my car. As a rule, I don't listen to that in my car unless I'm working on something specific. I kept trying to find something that wasn't going to trigger me.

I stumbled across this:

This album is every bit as silly as you think it is.

Every single one of these songs is really triggering for me. They make me feel like I don't belong, even though it's been years since I experienced that. My heart rate skyrockets, and I can't breathe.

Not today.

Because today, Bob and Larry were there to remind me that God can redeem anything. The silly voices in my head/on this CD reminded me that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. Not barbed wire, or a mean dog, or a really bad haircut. Not people who hurt me beyond what I'm ready to talk about here. Not my dad's death. Not PTSD. Not anxiety. Not OCD. Not Prozac. Nothing.

Why?

Because God made me special, and God loves me very much.

[stillsaltyaboutmcr]

Voice of an Angel- Jake Seresin

A Jake Seresin x female!reader where Jake brings her home for the Holidays for the first time. During the time, his family goes to their church for the Christmas service and Jake hears the reader sing for the first time and he’s taken aback. 

Song Reference: https://youtu.be/eOW8CKEhrAI  (Shine on us)

https://youtu.be/ifCWN5pJGIE (Mary Did You Know)

( I grew up in a Christian household, so this song was a staple at our christmas service, and when I went to the service this year, I couldn’t help this idea from needing to be written)

This is a shorter fanfic than I usually write, but i didn’t really know how to get to the point or end it lmao

Warnings: Religion, Jake being a simp, Jake also being cocky about his family’s musical ability, Church, mentions of christianity

(this tux is what I imagine Hangman wears to church when he’s home)

You were busy readying yourself in the bathroom connected to the guest bedroom as you listen to the Seresin family downstairs sing hymns. They were a very religious family, not that it bothered you, but they were very muscially talented. This was your first Christmas spent with Jake’s family, last year was spent with yours. You’ve been together for a little over two years, but he’s never heard you sing. To be honest you were too scared, knowing the family he came from. 

Downstairs you could hear them singing Mary Did You Know, a classic Christmas song. You could distinctly pick out all of the voices. His mom proudly singing the alto part and playing piano, his sisters singing melody and his dad on bass. Jake was playing guitar and singing tenor, all of them a perfectly balanced choir. His sisters’ husbands didn’t have a musical bone in their body and usually just sat and listened. They sounded beautiful, like professionals. You heard his oldest sister, Georgia hit a high note, an impressive one at that while the youngest sister, Dottie sat right under her continuing the chorus while the rest of them filled in the spaces.

You finished up, putting perfume on and headed downstairs as they finished, beginning to put their shoes on. “Hey darling, how did we sound?” Jake drawled as he looked at you. “You look beautiful.”

“You guys amaze me every time I hear you sing. I wish I had a fraction of the talent you all had.” You shrug in defeat as you all load into your respective cars.You and Jake drove together and the whole ride to church, he was singing his heart out to all of his childhood favorites that he had learned in church, one of them you had never heard. It was apparently called ‘Shine on Us’ and you loved it. He sounded amazing singing it. 

“Hey baby, you need to learn this one, we sing it every year at this service.” The service you all were headed to was known as the ‘Candlelight Service’. It was usually held in the evening, so it was dark out when you arrived. 

“You do?” It was all you could muster out. You were never musically inclined, neither was your family. When you started dating Jake and found out how talented he and his family was, you were afraid to disappoint them with your musical ability. 

Jake’s church was a large church with a huge congregation. Every member sang one of four parts; soprano, alto, tenor or bass. He had shared videos with you, but it was your first time here in person. 

You all grabbed your candles and sat in a pew. Jake put his arm around you as you two sat in the middle of his pew, surrounded by his family. “I’m so glad I was finally able to bring you here.” He beamed at you. “I love you.” He planted a small kiss to your lips. 

“I’m really glad I was able to make it. Your church is beautiful. The stained glass windows are gorgeous.” You remarked the beauty of the building as the preacher began the service. 

-----

The sermon had finished and the pastor instructed everyone to line the outer edges of the room. The flame was passed around to everyone’s candles as they lit up the room one by one. Everyone had left their pews and were now spread around the four walls, in a square. This was the first singing of the night, and you were so excited to hear the voices in person. The pianist and organist began playing a the words were projected at the front on a screen. Everyone began singing, you just listening to the first chorus as everyone sang, as Jake sang next to you, taking the lower parts. It was beautiful. 

As the chorus ended, you jumped in and you noticed Jake’s voice seemed louder. As you turned to look at him and he was staring at you, wide-eyed. You returned with a confused look and he shook his head as he returned to facing forward. You sang the whole song, jumping on a higher or lower melody, listening to his mother or sister for reference. The song ended, and everyone blew out their candles and exited into the lobby, visiting with one another. 

Jake pulled you aside right outside of the door and looked at you like he was about to say the most serious thing ever. “When were you gonna tell me you could sing like that?” He was baffled this you’d been dating this long and he never knew the pipes you had. 

“I can’t, or at least I always believed I couldn’t.” You looked down before messing with your hands. 

“Baby, you’ve got a beautiful voice.” He smirked before continuing, lowering his voice so only the two of you could hear. “You’ve been hiding it in those gorgeous tits of yours, haven’t you?”

You smacked his so fast, the sentence had barely left his mouth. “Jake Seresin! We are in church!” You silently scolded him. 

“Hey! You’re the one that kept a secret!” He smiled at you before leading you over to his family. “You’re gonna have to show that off when we get home.”

[sanguinarius-archive]

im not that familiar with treatsforbeats i watched like. a few videos but other than that i know nothing! but i would be glad to hear you info dump!

there is SO MUCH..... im gonna put a read more below because this turned out to be way longer than i expected. but you asked for me to infodump so here goes

okay so. treatsforbeasts, i dont know what the whole meaning behind the channel is. i cant specifically say what the goal of the channel’s content is because its all in my interpretation. but i do know that there are meanings behind each video as silly as it may seem and im just gonna list them off here (note that not all videos will be included since i may not be able to interpret every one, also this is going from earliest to most recent)

1. men with small hands carry very little treats to give to little girls with the sharpest little teethinterpretation of this video is csa/child sex trafficking. “little treats” refers to pills or some form of drug (small, makes u trip). however the “sharpest little teeth” could represent the little girl fighting back.

2. mom ordered ants for my birthdaychild abuse. mother forces son to watch and/or possibly engage in inappropriate activity with her husband.

3. i love jesusobviously a dark parody of christianity/catholicism. shows how blindly some fanatical christians/catholics will follow their beliefs, to the point where they no longer truly “follow” it as theyve warped the message to fit their own morbid desires (using christianity/the bible to excuse hatred and judgment upon others).

4. i me you love godanother dark parody of christianity/catholicism. i believe it mocks how fanatical christians/catholics focus only on the negative aspects of the bible instead of learning the true messages, as many of the words used are from the bible and are negative words.

5. behdsPROBABLY just a silly video but, i think it represents how people let negativity embed itself into their lives and complain about it even though it’s so easy to just let go of it.

6. jaffreymocking some sitcoms for how dumb and repetitive they can be.

7. kiss papa’s mustachepossibly child abuse, again.

8. storytimereferences/implies child abuse. storytime is also the name of one of treatsforbeasts’ songs on his Sanguinarius - Sin Nomine album.

9. hymns for him (1 + 2)just total parody albums of christian rock. vocals make you feel like youre dying but its actually kinda good to listen to in some parts

10. i screaming inside my headRoii (the character)’s first appearance. also probably symbolizes how depressing some kinds of music are

11. felines have nine livesnot sure but i feel like this is a warrior cats reference, in complete and total honesty (dont watch it if you dont like c/at d/eath though, its fictional but. yeah)

12. beastsreflection of society as a whole

then there’s. the two short films and sin nomine. so i’m gonna delve into that now and be warned, it’s fuckin long

treatsforbeasts is the self-titled short film and the first longest video on the treatsforbeasts channel. basically what i get from this is that treatsforbeasts, the channel itself, symbolizes an actual channel that chauncy (the child character in the short film, who is portrayed as a literal oral fleshlight with a body) watches. he consumes these concepts, such as internalizing misogyny (claw-paw skit), toxic masculinity (can i like balloons skit) and being exposed to a normalization of christianity (heaven and hell skit). there’s also a skit in which a spider binge eats and then proceeds to throw it up, which chauncy actually mimicks when his father brings him food.his father very much disapproves of these messages being shown on tv. he tells chauncy in regards to the claw-paw skit, when chauncy belittles the female character, “that’s not very nice, now is it”, and says “you can like ballons, you can love balloons if you want to”. his father goes on long tangents about how many institutions have normalized and inherited the concepts of christianity, and that it is one of the contributing factors of violence in the world. he references colonization, the holocaust, and in general mentions minorities.we learn that the father actually ended up being a father to chauncy in the first place due to (nsfw tw) masturbating in a sock to a picture of robert smith, and 9 months later chauncy was born. so technically there is no mother. the father talks about the meaning of life, and how everyone on the inside is a little bit of a freak, but there’s only two real ways you can accept that: 1) realize that your freakishness gives you a special lense through with you see the world and aid it in the ways the sane and happy ones probably cant, and 2) realize that real way number 1 is just lying to itself and that youre still a somewhat integral part of the lives of those you care for so deeply. he says that choosing which way to live really reverts back to the meaning of life, that you cannot live day by day believing there’s no reason to. “but whatever reason you give yourself to live, [...] you do it, because it is correct to live.”

sin nomine comes after the first short film, but i’ll delve into that after because really it touches on many many of the points and interpretations here.

the second short film, the beast is dead, was released just this year on valentines day! i think the main focus of the short film ranges from relationships to just once again a mockery of christianity/catholicism. once again it starts off with a father and his son. there is no mother figure present though she’s said to have left, due to the father watching too much “birdies”, a show, which i think is a metaphor for porn addiction. the father is implied to being prone to neglecting the son’s wants and not really caring for him, being disappointed in him, etc. etc..something important about the beast is dead is that it uses masks to portray those who are “followers” and those who are not. the father, interestingly enough, does not wear a mask. he seems to acknowledge what his son is saying when he goes on philosophical rants as well, but disregards them as nonsense and ends up leaving after bonking him with the stupid spike (metaphor for how parents will shut their children up by giving them a phone or toy to play with).the three other characters who don’t use masks in the beast is dead are Roii, Tom, and Doctor Zoughth (pronounced Zoth). Roii makes a comeback, finally! but this time he’s singing a song called “i love the sound of screaming babies”. it symbolizes how men will impregnate women and then run off, whether or not because they fantasize about pregnant women. it could also be a want of seeing a hurt child (hence the line “i know that all of you watching must think i’m insane, for loving when something so innocent is in so much pain”).however another interesting factor is that, the characters who don’t have masks, aside from Tom and the father, have red eyes at some point. this is a metaphor for how they’ve lost their humanity. Roii, at some point in the music video scene, only has one red eye whereas his other is normal. this hints at how part of him has lost his humanity while the other is still in tact.the other character that has red eyes is Dr Zoughth, but instead of him having only one red eye, both his eyes are red. this doesnt show until later though when he’s taken Tom away from the masked characters (followers). Dr Zoughth is very much self-aware. he is not blind, but simply has lost his humanity. Tom tries to reach out to him, to get him to think differently, that maybe resorting to coping with emotional struggles by worshipping something simple like flesh or something more higher than himself and forgetting his own mortality isn’t the healthiest way to live. but Dr Zoughth, having been long gone already, does not accept this and executes Tom.his own personal disciples grow tired of his tyranny and kill him and perform a ritual of some kind, disposing of his body (in the river i think, not sure). this entire ending of the film is basically the title, the beast is dead. but, i believe the beast is not dead, personally, because someone like Zoughth will always live on in other people, other beasts.there’s also a scene called grandma hespar and i think it implies how little people focus on sexual abuse towards men (when it’s from women).

anyways, with that being said, it’s time for sin nomine.

so now that i’ve explained pretty much all of treatsforbeasts to you, and whoever else is reading, it’s clear that the person behind this has issues with christianity (or catholicism), and child abuse. the person behind treatsforbeasts is Jordan Diniz, as he is also the person behind sanguinarius.

sin nomine is a very personal reflection of jordan’s life from what i gather. it depicts his struggles with how he views the world around him, whether that be due to personal experiences or not. at first i interpreted most of sin nomine to be the story of someone who is lgbt, but with jordan himself coming to me and telling me he is straight (POLITELY), it’s clear that is not the case.

so it most likely has to do with trauma. either religious or not, or both. it even says in the song storytime (remember i mentioned it earlier?), “fast hand, white hot trauma, reverberates inside the skull. innocence and intellect raped, reveals a view of a darker world. flesh on flesh, the bonds of affection - confused for the bonds of submission and fear. self-hatred and mistrust repel all beauty that comes near.” i don’t like to say that this solidifies a personal experience, but it’s highly possible.

a lot of sin nomine kind of goes over the same points in different ways, but it makes you think. i definitely feel like something happened to jordan at some point in his life but that is his story and it’s not my place to truly tell, since i don’t know him personally.

there’s also the other channel, adrianturcher. it has videos with seemingly no real purpose except for there being two videos with the same names of two songs on sin nomine, “nex memoria” and “a fetish for psychos”. nex memoria is just a compilation of clips that seem to symbolize the process of death (nex memoria is a latin phrase which very roughly translates to “memory’s death”). a fetish for psychos is a bunch of old clips from parties and shows that possibly jordan himself attended. they’re from 2002 judging by the date in the video. the lyrics in the song “a fetish for psychos” also seem to hint at these events, so it’s possibly that it’s like looking back on happy memories that make you feel sad instead or something. the song also might possibly reference a mother at the beginning.

sanguinarius also has its own channel simply called sanguinarius. there’s the music video for divine comedy (one of the songs on sin nomine) and a cover of because you’re young by david bowie, posted on his birthday a year after his death.

anyway, that’s. pretty much all i have to say. jordan diniz is a fuckin’ mastermind, he’s really good and cool and he’s very kind from my experience talking with him a couple times. he supports the gays as well!

sooooo, treatsforbeasts does have some very creepy/unsettling moments in its content but its EXTREMELY good and i recommend getting into it if you can. 100/10

[keepingupwithfundies]

Pickle’s “Sam’s” Q&A

Take it with a huge grain of salt please!! We know nothing about the validity of that person. (Annie)

"Why do you believe Jana hasn’t been married off yet? When will her time come?”

I think she hasn’t been married because she hasn’t wanted to yet. To a degree, I think some of the kids have autonomy and choices as far as their spouses are concerned (more so the boys than the girls, but still). Jana’s always been super needed at home, and I think she might prioritize that over marriage (can you imagine the family without her?).

“Lets talk about Amy and her mom Deanna. Did Amy use the Duggar name? When did her folks get married? Are they still together? Is Deanna in the “cult”?? Does she go to whatever church JimBob is fronting??”

Amy wasn’t around a whole lot that I remember in the years I was attending the church. She did go by Duggar. I knew even less of Deanna, but while they’re Christians, they’re not the same brand as the Duggars and don’t follow all (if even many) of the same beliefs. Less conservative and all that. To my knowledge, at least back then, they didn’t attend the church unless they were visiting.

“Was all the strife between the Holts and Duggars about Josh? Did those in the church take sides? How much did the Duggars keep in contact with former church members? And lastly, were a lot of other church members believers in Gothard as well?”

I think it was partly about Josh, partly because Jim Holt and Jim Bob had a power struggle. The church did take sides, and families chose leaders. The Holts started having separate services at their home. The Duggars kept in semi-contact, and I think despite the rift they still attempted to maintain some kind of friendship. But it was never the same. Almost all, if not all, of the other church members were pretty staunch Gothardites, following his material and teachings and attending Gothard seminars, reading books by him and his people.

“Did you see any personality changes back then once the girls “learned” what happened to them and do they fully understand what happened or was it sugar coated?”

I was young at the time, and didn’t fully understand what was going on until later—couldn’t make sense of what I saw and heard at the time. I think it was heavily sugar coated, for sure, but the girls knew what was happening was at least violating. I remember seeing them sobbing for seemingly no reason, being upset around Josh, etc.

“How much parenting did Michelle do during that time? Did you ever see her break her voice/tone from her soft sweet stuff she shows the cameras? Were the boys ever expected to do things around the house?”

Let me put it this way: children in that church took care of the other children, even if they weren’t in the same family. If there was a baby who needed to eat and didn’t have a spare sibling, someone else’s older (female) child was expected to step in and help out. Changing diapers, feeding, general babysitting, the works. I never saw her break her tone…that was the way she talked all the time. The boys had general chores just like the boys, not that they ever got done. The bathrooms and kitchen and living areas were always disgusting.

“Is there a fundy underground, however small?”

Not that I know of. I’m only aware of myself and a small handful of others that have gotten out. In general, if you were born and raised in it, you kinda stick in it. It’s safer that way.

“I would like to know why no one has a job?”

Self employment was extremely encouraged, even expected. I’m not sure why? College educations, particularly for women, weren’t a good idea (my parents absolutely forbade it), so professional lines of work were sort of out-of-bounds. Plus, there’s all the temptations that come with the secular world.

“When someone (like yourself) leaves the cult for good is he/she allowed to visit their family?”

Depends on the family and who wants to be sympathetic and why they left and what sort of lifestyle the ex-cult member lives now. Oftentimes they’re considered a bad influence on the rest of the kids, so contact is limited or removed. I have no contact with anyone from my upbringing because I feel safer, but I highly doubt they would welcome me back now.

“Was Josh molested and he repeated the acts?”

I think it’s possible, but more likely he was probably exposed to pornography at a really young age by someone. I can think of a few people who could fall into a suspect category of abusers when he was young.

“Were the girls forced to forgive Josh and still spend time with him?”

I think they genuinely thought they were forgiving him and didn’t recognize (and also weren’t shown) the gravity of the situation. He was their brother, and they loved him. I think they lived in a lot of unexplained fear growing up. Like most of us did.

“Please describe how a ‘confession’ comes about.”

There were multiple meetings where they sent the children out of the house so they could discuss the situation with Josh. I think that’s likely where the confessing happened. I was a child, and therefore not privy to those discussions, but I overheard my parents and some of the other adults talking about it. Later, Josh was humiliated in front of the church; the adults already knew what he did, so they didn’t really rehash the specifics. He cried, several other people cried, his victims cried, and then there was a climactic moment when he was told he was going to have his head shaved or they would shave the head of one of his victim’s. Then he was told he was going to be sent away to work. It was horrible and scary and I hate thinking about it. Josh did terrible things, but at that moment he looked very broken.

“If girls were caught ‘breaking rules’ what was their punishment like?”

To be perfectly honest, I don’t really remember the Duggar girls ever breaking rules. I’m sure they did at some point, but they were “angelic” as far as behavior. I could speak for other members of the church, including my own family, but I don’t want to disclose that information at this time.

“Were the daughters seen as ‘damaged’ after the molestation scandal and did this impact their marriage chances within IBLP circles?”

No. No one ever talked about it, and the girls weren’t treated any differently after it broke.

“Were the older girls ever abusive to their younger siblings?”

Jessa was mean; I never liked Jessa, and wanted to steer clear of her. She scared me, and most of her younger siblings were scared of her. Jana could also be a bit stern and quick to punish, but then again all of them were supposed to be mothers to a whole host of children. That’s a huge burden to place on any adolescent or teenager.

“How did Sam get away from that lifestyle?”

By walking away and disappearing as best as I could. It’s still a struggle to recover from the abuse and spiritual mistreatment, and most days I wake up in disbelief that it ever happened.

“To what extent are children “betrothed/promised” to one another?”

It’s extremely common in those circles. Typically the father of a boy talks to the father of a girl and they work out an arrangement. A lot of times the boy does initiate some interest and discusses it with his dad first, but the girl rarely has a say and is pressured to accept her father’s choices.

“I’m wondering how the family was doing financially during those years.”

They were poor—until they built their big house. Then suddenly it changed. They could afford toilet paper now. But yeah, every Sunday when they held church, every family brought all the food they could so everyone could eat together, then leftovers were distributed. We all shopped at Goodwill and ALDI and pinched pennies. The poverty was real until the TV money started coming in, and then suddenly they were showing off a pantry like a grocery store to the rest of us and offering everyone extra food to take home that was donated by sponsored companies “before it spoiled” because there was so much of it.

“Can you describe what the home church services were like?”

We sang songs from hymnals they kept in the kitchen cabinets (so many hymnals!) that were accompanied by Jana playing on the piano. Classic hymns, never anything contemporary. Requests were shouted out by kids and adults alike. Sometimes there was a music special, but always there was one song in particular that all of the children would sing every Sunday morning. Then we had prayer time where requests were shared, and that was followed by watching a video seminar. I don’t remember ever taking Communion (I feel as if that was frowned upon, but can’t recall), but the service would be followed by a communal meal they called Fellowship.

“Are you aware of any sexual abuse of the boys in the church?”

I am, but not of the Duggar boys. It existed.

“I have heard that Jana ran away a couple of times, and she was rebellious.”

Absolutely not. Jana was (and still seems to be) one of if not the most loyal of the bunch.

“Did things get weird? People speaking in tongues? People with blankets to catch holy rollers as they fell backwards?”

Anything related to the gift of tongues, prophecy, or non-Baptist tradition was considered heretical. What got weird was punishing children in the middle of a service, women being constantly pregnant, husbands humiliating their wives and kids, and myself and other young people being preyed upon by elders.

“It has been suggested at times that the oldest daughter “belongs” to the father. Is that true in the IBLP?”

All of the daughters belong to the father. If you’re referring to Jana specifically, I wouldn’t say it’s just her. All of the daughters in their family and others were subject to their dad’s decisions. It was common to make vows to fathers as teens to stay pure and obey him always (similar to wedding vows) sometimes with a purity ring. I don’t think the Duggars quite did that tradition, but my family and many others did. My father gave his daughters a ring after a “proposal” where he asked them to remain virgins until he gave them away. Usually around 13. Creepy stuff.

“Was Anna’s family really made aware of Josh’s past?”

Yes. And no, that didn’t matter. He’d been “forgiven” by God and his family, so of course he wouldn’t sin again…especially if he had himself a wife to play with instead of children.

“How old was Jana when her parents made that arrangement/when it was canceled?”

I think around 2008.

“What does Sam think of the Jana/Laura rumors?”

Pretty ridiculous to me. Jana and Laura aren’t having a secret fling, in my opinion. LGBT+ members did come out of that church (including myself) but that would be far too obvious for them to carry it on.

“Why doesn’t Jana just leave?”

I don’t think she wants to. I think she’s semi-happy there, at least, to the extent of her knowledge of happiness. It’s her world. Leaving—coming from someone who did it—is absolutely terrifying.

“Are any of them secret atheists?”

The church was so fear-based about the afterlife being determined by present choices that I found myself as a child asking Jesus to save me every single Sunday. I still have a hard time even being an agnostic because of what was beaten into me. So I doubt it. It’s hard to disbelieve when the stakes are set so high.

“Did Josh’s abuse of his sisters continue when they moved into the big house?”

I think it mostly became a porn issue at that point. But it's possible. I think it was still an issue even then.

“Have you ever seen an example of an unwed woman getting pregnant?”

No, but my parents suspected one of the members in my family of getting pregnant (quite irrationally) and hell broke loose at the suspicion. It likely wouldn’t have gone over well and probably would have ended with that person being turned away (much like Anna’s sister).

“What was John David like?”

He was a shy, awkward, friendly-enough strange kid. Likable by everyone, obedient, humble, hard-working. I think he’s a good person, if misguided by his upbringing.

“Are you pursuing a formal, structured education or a trade? Will you raise your children differently than you were raised? Are you still a member of the same “church fellowship” as the Duggars?”

I am not pursuing further education at this time, though I have plans to. I’m supporting myself in a successful career and doing pretty well independently. I will raise my children VERY differently, without religion as a factor. I am not a member of the same church, I am not in the same area, and I have no plans to return to Christianity, at least staunchly, or in that branch. It is toxic and abusive. It is vile to me.

“How are the kids with the protruding stomachs now?”

I looked them up the other day. I think their family moved away, and it seems like their kids aren’t as involved in the cult anymore. They seem to be doing well. I’m happy for them.

“Did Sam ever go to ALERT or one of the family conferences?”

No, I didn’t. My family didn’t travel much.

“Were you able to have genuine friendships with the Duggar children in that environment or was there still a lot of isolation and privacy?”

I did have genuine friendships with the Duggar children; I even developed feelings for one of them as a young teenager that I thought were reciprocated (and may have been, we weren’t allowed to talk about that). We didn’t discuss the abuse because we didn’t consider anything abusive. We looked up to our parents (and feared them).

“Did Sam ever meet someone from the cult who cooked without using cans?”

Nope. We were all raised on cans. And speaking of cooking — Jim Bob’s BBQ tuna, or whatever that nasty stuff is, is absolutely disgusting. I’ve tried it. Hash brown casserole is gross too. It’s all gross. Ugh. I love eating real food now.

[gduncan969]

A COVID Christmas

Luke 1: 8 - 18 “So it was, that while he was serving as priest before God in the order of his division, according to the custom of the priesthood, his lot fell to burn incense when he went into the temple of the Lord. And the whole multitude of the people was praying outside at the hour of incense. Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing on the right side of the altar of incense. And when Zacharias saw him, he was troubled, and fear fell upon him.

But the angel said to him, “Do not be afraid, Zacharias, for your prayer is heard; and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John. And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth. For he will be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink. He will also be filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother’s womb. And he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God. He will also go before Him in the spirit and power of Elijah, ‘to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children,’ and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just, to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.”

And Zacharias said to the angel, “How shall I know this? For I am an old man, and my wife is well advanced in years.”

I’m sure we are all very familiar with the Christmas story as described in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke and can remember each scene as it unfolds or, perhaps as enacted in the many Christmas pageants we have watched over the years filled with shepherds and sheep, cows and camels, donkeys and wise men, all gathered round baby Jesus lying in a manger with Mary and Joseph looking tenderly down at him as the heavenly host of tinsel-winged little angels in the background joyfully sing “Joy to the world the Lord has come”.  Then, of course, we all watched in bemused horror as Mary suddenly abandoned the new-born babe in the manger to run off stage and find her mom while on stage, a sheep starts a fight with the donkey’s rear end and a fallen angel lands with a crash at the back of the stage.  Come to think of it, I suspect there’s a lot of Sunday school teachers out there who are secretly thankful that this year has been different—but only for a moment, I’m sure!  Events like these are part of the glue that holds churches together and give us memories of Christmases past which we are very thankful for.  However, the year 2020 has been very different.  The pandemic has closed the churches and cancelled the pageants and many of us are feeling a sense of emptiness or even sadness that Christmas 2020 is not like it is supposed to be.  Never in our lifetime, or our parents lifetime, or our forefathers lifetime through multiple generations have we ever had to close our churches or curtail Christmas until now.  Governments across the world have declared churches non-essential and forced them to close their doors hoping this will help stop the spread of the virus but despite this and despite all the mask-wearing, social distancing and bubble-keeping we have gone through since March, the virus continues to spread, only now at a much higher rate.  The second wave is here and on the horizon a new, mutated strain of the virus approaches with greater virulence, ready to plunge us into greater despair and panic.  But wait, vaccines are now available to protect us but no, there won’t be enough vaccine available early enough to protect most of us for months to come, assuming, of course, the vaccine will work against the new strain.  So, all over the world countries are heading into another lock-down, including right here in the Province of Ontario at midnight on Christmas day.  What a depressing picture this all creates!  Is it any surprise that there is now an even greater pandemic of worry, anxiety and fear perhaps killing more of us than the virus itself?  Someone once said man can live without food for 40 days, without water for five days, without air for ten minutes and without hope for 1 second.

What is the antidote to all of this?  Maybe a different approach is needed, a different way of looking at the situation we are in!  In the passage from Luke Chapter 1 above and the other parts of the Christmas story the angel Gabriel appears, first to Zacharius, then to Mary, then to Joseph and finally to the shepherds, and each time he does, the first words uttered by him were “Fear not!”  That no doubt was very reassuring to Zacharius, Mary and the rest of them but I’ve always struggled when someone says to me “Don’t worry!”  I’m tempted to scream at them: “Don’t tell me not to worry unless you can explain HOW to stop worrying!”  I’ve never met anyone who wanted to worry but I’ve met lots of people who would give anything to know how not to.  Simply telling them not to without explaining how not to is cruel.  

So, how do you stop worrying?

Worry or fear is faith in reverse.  It is faith in the negative, faith in the circumstances that tell us the worst is about to happen.  Like the shepherds watching their flocks by night, “sudden fear had seized their troubled minds” and the antidote was “Glad tidings of great joy I bring to you and all mankind.” Fear drags us down into a pit filled with “what ifs”: what if I pass the virus on to my elderly parents and they die?; what if my business has to close and I go broke?; what if I can’t go to work because I’m non-essential?; what if I catch the virus and can’t work?..  These fears are real and the cause of much anxiety, worry and depression.  My daughter, Susan, admitted she has been struggling greatly recently with anxiety over all the negative recent news surrounding the pandemic including the pending lock-down of the Province and what it will mean for her family.  As I write this she has just texted me to say she has been listening non-stop since last night to recordings of her favorite preacher, “uncle Harry” (Greenwood) - now with the Lord, who often spent many days with us at Crossroads Church in Englehart, Ontario preaching faith-filled messages of victory over your circumstances.  Susan’s special-needs son is very worried about having to cancel Christmas because his dad has just been tested for COVID as a result of finding out the wife of one of his workmates tested positive which meant that everyone had to be tested.  If Jeff’s test proves positive he will be off work without pay for fourteen days.  Having listened to Harry’s messages she says, “I feel like uncle Harry is shouting at me from heaven—part of that great cloud of witnesses—to keep my mind fixed on what I’ve been listening to from him.  He reminded me of what he often told me, “You are not your body...you live by faith in God’s word, not through your senses.  You don’t have to see first to believe, you believe first to see.” The greatest antidote to worrying over circumstances is to see them from God’s viewpoint and we can’t do that until we “sit with Him in heavenly places” (Ephesians 2:6).   She tells me she is now singing an old favorite hymn which describes where we as Christians are called to live:

Far away the noise of strife upon my ear is falling; Then I know the sins of earth beset on every hand; Doubt and fear and things of earth in vain to me are calling; None of these shall move me from Beulah Land.

Refrain: I’m living on the mountain, underneath a cloudless sky, I’m drinking at the fountain that never shall run dry; Oh, yes! I’m feasting on the manna from a bountiful supply, For I am dwelling in Beulah Land.

Far below the storm of doubt upon the world is beating, Sons of men in battle long the enemy withstand; Safe am I within the castle of God’s Word retreating; Nothing then can reach me—’tis Beulah Land.

Let the stormy breezes blow, their cry cannot alarm me; I am safely sheltered here, protected by God’s hand; Here the sun is always shining, here there’s naught can harm me; I am safe forever in Beulah Land.

Viewing here the works of God, I sink in contemplation; Hearing now His blessed voice, I see the way He planned; Dwelling in the Spirit, here I learn of full salvation; Gladly I will tarry in Beulah Land.

The only two antidotes for worry and fear that I know of are God’s Word and God’s praise, both taken in equal measure every time we are attacked.  If this pandemic has you depressed and anxious, read again the Christmas stories and see the faithfulness of God who dwells among us by his Spirit.  Isn’t it amazing that old Zacharius was told by the angel “your prayer is heard; and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son”.  Come again?  Old Zacharius and his old wife Elizabeth would have the son they prayed for.  I would love to know how he mimed that news to his wife (remember the angel struck him dumb) and especially how he explained the child would not be virgin-conceived but natural-born.  I’d also love to know how Mary explained to her parents that she was pregnant but still a virgin.  Yes, God does have a sense of humour and wants us rejoicing this Christmas, not complaining.  Have a merry Christmas everyone!

[memorylang]

Home for Christmas: Birth, Endings and Marriage | #18 | December 2019

I returned from Mongolia to the States for 12 days this winter! It’s the first of my three stories picking up from my adventures away.

With a confluence of reasons to see the States this year, plus some for China, this felt like the perfect Christmas journey. I open with Advent meeting my baby nephew, then Christmas among my family in Vegas before my travel to Reno (my college town) for a wedding and my return to Vegas. Then I left to China. 

Settling In: Stateside Once More

Having set a new record for days outside the U.S., my late-December return marked nearly seven months overseas. 

Upon returning to the state my family occupied, Nevada, I learned its population just passed 3 million. My state’s population nearly matched Mongolia’s! But with the Vegas Valley, its population hits nearly twice Mongolia’s capital. 

But as for temperatures, comparisons stop there. By the time I reached Vegas, I’d shed my puffy winter coats and stuffed them in my backpack. Vegas sat at a toasty 15°C (59°F), compared to Mongolia’s -30°C (-22°F). And Vegas friends said their weather felt cold!

Reunited in Vegas

My first days back at the house, caught up with my four siblings who reassembled. And I ate copious amounts of food, of which I’ll write a couple blog stories from now.

I would bring music, photos, some of my journals, travel souvenirs, Bibles and letters as keepsakes for my continued service in Mongolia. Special thanks to my 23-year-old brother for helping me through my college boxes in the garage. 

I love rainy days. They remind me of Mom, too, at times. 

My older brother gave me plenty tech support, including helping me get downtown to replace my Surface that’s been faulty since Dad bought it three years ago. (Free upgrade!) I also backed up files to cloud storage I could access from Mongolia. 

I also kicked up a K-Pop playlist with recommendations from friends and my 18-year-old youngest bro. The list used to just have songs I encountered at Kiwanis CKI events and a few from my 17-year-old Mongolian host sister. I felt needing K-Pop’s positive vibes and high-energy, as opposed to American pop’s tendency toward symping. Why dwell in darkness when I have the light?

But here’s the key reason I came back to Vegas early. I needed to sort through our late mother’s belongings. I’ll touch on this during the next blog story, about my return to China. Thank you to those who supported me through the sorting.

Baby Wally

I returned home for Christmas for a huge reason—to finally meet my nephew, Wally! 

Squishy baby Wally came from Ohio with my 42-year-old half-brother and my sister-in-law one night, the fourth week of Advent. 

Meeting them the next morning felt amazing. 

I’m an early riser, and his family was still on Eastern Standard Time. After finishing hard drive backups upstairs, I walked downstairs to the kitchen, where Wally stared at me from his rolling chair a long time. He was eight months old. 

I loved his marshmallow hands and how he babbled both incomprehensible murmurs I repeated back to him and vaguely word-seemingly things like, “dada.” I probably only held him a couple times, but we made up for that with how long others held him while he continued to gaze at me.

My brother said Wally really liked me. 

I mentioned a little how the toddlers at the orphanage, too, seemed fascinated by me. Someone somewhere told me babies, kittens and puppies must sense goodness in people. 

Christmas in America

Leading up to Christmas, my family attended Simbang Gabi, a Filipino Catholic celebration during Advent. Since Dad had my siblings and I come, we also got to see the Filipino family ours has evidently spent time with. It reminded me somewhat of the Feast of Santo Niño I attended three years ago in Reno. 

I loved getting to experience at a beautiful church the whole Mass in English—my first back in the States. The Filipino pastor gave a very Vegas homily, in how our vibrant Catholic community sets an example for this city. The Mass also featured a presider I recalled would sometimes say Mass at our church we’d attended since moving to Nevada a decade before. Afterward, we enjoyed a reception featuring copious amounts of Filipino food and music, per usual. 

Midnight Mass

As is Christmas tradition, my family attended Midnight Mass at church. But this year, my 20-year-old sister drove so we could attend carols early. Our music even included hymns from Afro-Caribbean traditions, in addition to choral classics. I recorded clips from caroling and shared with fellow Peace Corps Catholics and Mongolian friends. I wore my silver Mongolian дээл, since this could be the only year I’m back for Christmas while a Peace Corps Volunteer. 

During Mass, I remembered baby Wally when our new pastor spoke of baby Jesus. (Our past priest announced his relocation during my final Mass in the States seven months ago.) Anyway, babies are outstandingly helpless. They require others to survive and thrive. And humans seem biologically programmed to love and care about infants. 

Yet I considered Easter Vigil (my favorite Mass), too, since our Midnight Mass began with a hymn like, “The Exultant.” So I felt somber, considering what mankind one day does to who was once this poor infant. 

After Mass, I greeted a high school friend who’s stayed involved in Kiwanis Circle K International at UNLV and still sings in our local church’s choir. Like many, he felt astonished I could come home from Peace Corps but gleeful nonetheless. 

Full Families

On Christmas Day, my visiting siblings, my younger siblings and I continued the movie-going tradition, seeing, “Knives Out.” I found it delightful, with heartwarming heroes and a clever cat-and-mouse adventure with contemporary themes. I loved its art. Plus Craig and Evans were hilariously not playing James Bond and Captain America. 

That evening, our family had a wonderful dinner, with the Filipina family over. Unfortunately, my youngest brother decided to schedule for work that night, which aggravated Father. But, we still had a nice time. I like how my siblings’ ages merge well with their ages. (From oldest to youngest goes: their oldest sister, my older brother, me, their second oldest sister, my younger sister, my youngest sister, their youngest sister, my youngest brother.) 

Plus, my half-brother, his wife and their son also attended. He sincerely thanked the other family’s mother that our dad had someone new in his life. I smiled, agreeing. It reminded me the speech he gave years ago in getting to know my mom. 

The guest family’s oldest and second oldest sisters brought their boyfriends, and my older bro brought his girlfriend, too. We’d such a large Christmas dinner that we used the kitchen island counter space for food, then the dining room and ping pong tables for eating. 

Following our meal, we exchanged gifts I’ll cover when I describe what I brought back to Mongolia.

Returning to Reno

After Christmas and further friend adventures (I’ll cover in a couple blogs from now), I flew up to Reno, my undergraduate city of four years. We’d a wedding coming.

I felt amazed to boomerang from my high school city to college town and back before my return to Asia. Even in Vegas’ airport, I saw college friends I hadn’t seen in years! Rather, they saw me, while I video called my professional mentor. They joked that they would have thrown Chex Mix at me, but they weren’t sure we had that kind of relationship. I would have loved it, haha.

On the flight, my friends gifted me two palm-fulls of Chex Mix. I felt elated. After take-off, I felt pleasantly surprised to hear and understand small talk around me. People behind me chatted about EDM music careers. From the window on my right, I saw how Nevada’s snowy mountains looked steeper than Mongolia’s. I continued rehearsing my wedding reading I copied down, Romans 12:1-2, 9-18. 

As the flight neared landing, I gazed out the window and saw the familiar Sparks hill where the house my college friends and I rented stands. After landing, I felt weird somewhat recognizing the faces of uni students around in the airport. With a Reno-Sparks population over 500 thousand, though, “The Biggest Little City” stands five times larger than the “big” city where I serve in Mongolia. 

Here to Serve

Just as I disembarked my plane began a funeral service across town for the mother of someone close to us all. While I didn’t have to come, I wanted to. I remembered how touched I felt by those who came to Mom’s funeral, even if they only met her briefly. 

When I arrived, somewhat dazed, in the lobby, the soon-to-be-weds spotted me from the pews and walked out to greet me. They brought me to sit with them, beside other parishioners from our church I hadn’t been with in seven months. As the eulogies concluded, and our priest blessed the casket with the family, we sang together.

I felt at ease among such close friends. The service felt a warm reintroduction to my college town community. For, my trip home wasn’t meant quite for me. I meant to support.

First Wedding Party

That night, I reunited with and met the many of our wedding party for rehearsals. Rehearsals went smoothly. Afterward, the wedding party enjoyed pizza and wings with the bride and groom. I felt gleeful to catch up with some of my favorite faithful folks from my final years at university.

Between wedding rehearsals and Sunday Mass, I reunited with the choir I knew and loved singing with four years, including my confirmation sponsor. Even our instrumentalist who’d since left for graduate school returned to play. Just like old times. 

That weekend, I also attended my first bachelors’/bachelorettes’ party. I felt much more relaxed among these people I’d known a while. I enjoyed the added benefit of having no college coursework to distract me from being present to those there. I felt honored to partake in the wedding tradition among such fun people.  

Christian Love

The Monday morning of the wedding, one of our choir members had a family emergency, and I received the appointment to cantor our psalm, “To You O God, I Lift Up My Soul.” So I started rehearsing from the morning-of. 

I wore the most eclectic outfit, including a normal pair of black slacks I’d known since high school in Vegas (before 2015), the golden silk shirt I bought in Beijing the 2017 week I first met Chinese relatives and the black suit jacket I bought in my Mongolian city for Teachers’ Day 2019. What a coincidence they asked me to wear golden colors, a suit and something traditional if I liked. These came together with my Reno boutonnière to form, for me, among my most meaningful outfits. 

As the hours neared showtime, our jazz cue began, and I transitioned from greeting guests at the door and choir rehearsal to assembling for the procession in. I walked in with a close friend, who I loved chatting with. I especially loved the ringbearers with the rings on their sabers. Most special, our wedding party had front-row seats to witnessing the bride’s beautiful entry and seeing the heartfelt betrothals. I felt like such a cheerleader.

I stepped up to the ambo for what the groom called his favorite psalm. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to let me be the vessel. I sang with a little soul, yay. Seeing the couple’s and my choir members’ cheer gave me strength all the way to my high-note finish. 

Then I closed the songbook I borrowed from the Grand Knight, prepared the mic once more, probably gave a curt smile, and began the reading from the letter of St. Paul to the Romans. 

In Mongolia’s capital for the Peace Corps conferences, one night at dinner, one of my Catholic friends asked me my favorite Bible verse. I said, "Oh, I love these readings from Saint Paul, since he was my confirmation Saint. And reading his readings feels like reading a cosmic ancestor of mine. Especially, 'Do not conform yourselves to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind'" (Romans 12:2). After that, I went to help my student and a teacher apply for summer fellowships to the U.S. that were due the next days. After finishing those a few hours, I finally opened the bride-to-be’s message to see exactly which Paul reading she sent me. As I got midway through reading it aloud to a friend, I realized this was Romans 12 and went, "OH MY GODDDD."

What a sacrament. I felt great hope that taking my time with relationships will lead to extraordinary joy. Choir members congratulated me on an amazing psalm. After Mass, our priest commended me as having delivered the best reading of Romans 12:1-2, 9-18 he’d ever heard. I felt stunned. 

The wedding reception felt wonderful. I spent most of my time with the fencing group. I enjoyed their fellowship, and they enjoyed my energy. I’d spend my days up to New Year’s among the newlyweds and their family still.

Las Vegas and Nevada Grow on Me

Given the subtle ways Nevada reminds me of Mongolia, I felt myself starting to feel more at-home in the Sagebrush State than when I left. From Vegas to Reno and around.

I used to loathe telling people I’m from Vegas, actually. I usually note it as the city where my family lives. But, after seven months in Mongolia, I feel like even Vegas has its charm. Hearing Panic! At The Disco on a mall radio felt right at home. 

Vegas lights appeal to many from many places—especially Asia, reports say. And that’s special. Mom liked this city.

Up next is my New Year’s 2020 experience, followed by my return to Mongolia through Beijing, China.  You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)

[swearronchanel]

continuing the hiatus with 4.05

Well I'm here avoiding responsibilities as usual, pretending that I don't have class in the morning or any laundry to do but like I said I've been watching shameless and I need a little wholesome ctm to balance it out lol & @ilovemushystuff recommended I watch 4.05 *thank u 😌*but let us go on this journey together 🙃...

the clothes lines remind me of home bc we don't have a dryer in our apartment haha & when it's cold out my mom hangs everything up around the house it's a hilarious nyc struggle lol

my bby shelagh!! 💕 so precious pushing the pram! omg we get to see this again next series *hopefully* with unnamed baby turner 😭!!

aw I miss summer!! I love being out in the summer *plus my birthday is in August*🙃

Ahh aren't we glad Shelagh got new dresses, cause I'm not feeling this one lol

Jenny Agutter's smile w/ her eyebrows raised >>, am I right

Wait this is the osteogenesis imperfecta case right ??

Laura looking angelic but that is not at all new, I just have to always mention it

Now all I can do is stare at her hair bc of this debate earlier 😂 what color?? 

but damn I don't like this dress either I forgot how disrespectful the costume designers were in series 4😂😂

Patrick grabbing her hand saying thank you ugh so pure 😭😢

"Two weeks in Lyme Regis does sound nice" ugh Shelagh's so adorable but LETS HERE IT FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT™ BC SHE DIDN'T EVEN REALLY ASK TO GO ON  HOLIDAY EVEN THOUGH SHE OBVIOUSLY WANTED TO & IN THE NEXT SERIES SHE PLANNED THE WHOLE DAMN TRIP WITHOUT TELLING HIM👏🏼 LOVE IT lol even though camping was a disaster

It's been 3 fucking mins and look at all the shit I've said wow I hate me

Pats and Trix!! I miss their friendship

Haha omg this is right after Trixie and Tom broke up #awkward

"Wild peach, isn't it glorious?" I love my other bby trixie. We are so similar but she's better 💕

PHYLLIS OUT HERE YES

"Roasted like a Sunday dinner" LMAO

aw this is the episode with the Sylheti mum, here's some quality early Babs

SISTER E 😭😭😭 I miss her aww

Omg &Sister Mary Cynthia! she just became a nun aw I miss her being so happy 💔 I hope she's in the Christmas special or Series 7 Premiere

"Ready?" ugh I just think of all the times we're heard that, like Trixie asking Shelagh when she was about to get married *hello my two favs interacting its iconic for me* or when Trixie told Sister MC off she wanted to ask her if she was ready when she went to become a postulant like if she was getting married,  my heart 😭 UPDATE: I made a post about it

speaking of my gal Beatrix here she is again

I want to be that platinum blonde tbh

Sister Julienne saying "little man" yes I'm here for this such thing

little Raymond like ST Raymond or the baby that was left on the steps .. wait what happened to him? I forgot lol it's been a while

I do not like Sister Mj's absence

but yes her nephew! Did he just like stop picking her up??

Aw Trixie wanted to hug sister MC I can tell, nuns can hug though why didn't she?

we were robbed of a cute sister MC & sister W young- nun dynamic duo

but I like sister Winifred so much more now she's lowkey golden

Diphtheria yikes

LMAO FRED HAS A DU RAG ON ??

I forgot that the old nurses uniforms were so washed out looking

sweetie, if a ANGLICAN NUN is telling you the baby needs more than prayer wouldn't you believe it ??

like wtf is Christian scientist anyway, yo no se

lol calm down Barbara that's a lot to translate

woah Pat's looks hella good with her hair like that 😍

my bby Trixie serving looks but is heartbroken 😍😢💔

THE PICTURE OF HER AND CYNTHIA!! THAT IS NOW ON HER VANITY MIRROR !! MY H E A R T

*twerks to the bicycle song*

"She says where he goes, we go - even the moon" ahh again my heart!! & it's so similar to what shelagh said in the last Christmas special 😭💕 *i think it was a bible reference but I can't remember bc my memory is fuzzy from being a reckless heathen* jk jk😂

How does a faja type belt help her?

I initially really liked Trixie and Tom but I'm so glad they found better matches

yo I'd be shook though if my baby's bones kept breaking and I didn't know why omg

The nurses being cute eating popsicles outside lol

aw wait Fred and Violet weren't together yet here, they're so cute haha

again so wild, like imagine no one knowing what your baby is hurt and no one believing that you didn't abuse your child?! I cNt

so scary

Ameerah is so pretty & how sweet omg she brought Babs a dish. She misses having girl friends omg!

The Poor Pentergasts

I feel you Mrs ^, I scream into my hands at least 3x a day *for obvs diff reasons*

Baby Angela💕💕 so precious

aw Patrick & Shelagh😭 but now that shelagh's been on her nightie game this blue nightgown should finally go #hereforthebrinylon™

Shit now Patrick is going to realize and blame himself

let Patrick not feel guilty for anything in series 7, cut this guy a break pls

osteogenesis imperfecta yup I remembered ✔️ well I remember watching this with my mom & her calling if before they knew it and I was annoyed bc She can't just watch she always has to be a nurse & put her opinion out there😂 like we watched the finale yesterday and I thought there'd be some suspense but nah she knew the pill gave her a deadly blood clot😒she was surprised they killed the first women described it to though

Shelagh's face while Patrick gets in the ambulance 😭💔

I miss the nuns singing !! mainly miss Laura singing but still!! it's very peaceful you feel?? let me hear some hymns

I feel you Patrick, you smoke that cig

Alright damn Mr Pentergast, I feel your anger but wtf were they supposed to think??

I get anxious watching Patrick be anxious tbh omg xzjkalsfo

the way he fidgets the pen so relatable

Shelagh kissing him on the forehead and the cheek 😢😭💔💕melts my cold little heart

"I don't want my Geraldine being seen by the receptionist" fuck u lady she's the best damn nurse out here Lmaoo

But seriously did everyone just forget she was a nurse/midwife when she was a nun? it has only been like a year since she left and got married so I wouldn’t think people would forget just yet but maybe? wtf lol. I feel like their story was such gossip that it'd be unforgettable? that's just me Lmaoo

Go get that uniform Shelagh!!!

she's so patient, dios te bendiga. She’s too good.

my angry self would've been like "do 👏🏼 ya👏🏼not👏🏼get👏🏼that👏🏼I 👏🏼was👏🏼 a nurse 👏🏼and 👏🏼delivered 👏🏼like 👏🏼half 👏🏼of 👏🏼your👏🏼 gremlin 👏🏼 children?!" Or "you don't want me to help? Okay there's the door, don't let it hit you on the way out"!

SHE'S GETTING THE UNIFORM PEOPLE

okay I don't think I've ever thought about it until now but Shelagh talks about Patrick's war neurosis with Sister Julienne like she already knew?? I bet Shelagh went to her after the adoption interview 😭

ugh I love their friendship/relationship it's so pure

This whole show is so pure! how can it remind you of the darkness in the world while still giving you faith in humanity??  There's nothing like it

I told you I caught my mom up with series 6 & she was just like "I can't believe we have to wait so long. Why can't America make a show as great as this?"

I then said "I know I have like no reason to live until Christmas" but she said i was being dramatic oops

*cue in the mirror*✨

SHE'S PUTTING ON THE UNIFORM PEOPLE THIS IS NOT A DRILL

you guys don't get how happy this made me when I first saw it omg, I was so tired of seeing her sad/upset and lost and distressed and everything but happy but THEN SHE PUT THE UNIFORM ON AND THE LITTLE HAT AND LOOKED IN THE DAMN MIRROR WITH HER MILLON DOLLAR SMILE AND I WANTED TO COMBUST I WAS SO HAPPY I WAS IN TEARS😭😭💖💖

SHELAGH TURNER DESERVES THE WORLD AND MORE, I WILL ALLOW NO ONE TO DISAGREE

AND IF U DO WE CAN FIGHT RN

I'm so proud of how far my bby has come ugh I can't deal

It's 1am why am I being a little emotional bitch™ ?? Ugh I just love this character

I'd fight for Shealgh or Trixie/ Laura and Helen in real life. They are gifts we don't deserve

BUT ALSO, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME ALL THESE PEOPLE DIDNT BELIEVE SHE WAS A NURSE & THEN SAW HER IN A NURSE UNIFORM THE NEXT TIME AND QUESTIONED NOTHING???

Like I know it wasn't the same people but still word gets around?

Shelagh and Tim's hug aww

Can we pls see a cute moment between them? We were played with that hospital scene in 6.4 bc it was like 2 seconds long

Patrick's pyjamas though >

the flat filled with things from patients is so sweet aww

How did no one else in Ameera's house get sick though?

Angela looking so adorable wow what a pretty baby

the real million $ question is, will we ever see Mrs B? Probs not Lmaoo

Still waiting for the day Timothy Turner has an angsty teen moment bc his unrealistic perfect child-ness has been going on too long

Disregarding that time he was mean to Shelagh in series 3, I won't forget it bc I wanted to smack him 😂👋🏼

*shelagh voice* Dr Turner's back to save poplar from ill health and disease

THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SHELAGH WHEN HE REALIZES IT WAS HER IN THE NURSES UNIFORM

ALSO I'm sure he realized a kink he didn't know he had lol 😭😂

tracheotomy 😬 how do they make it look so real ahhh!? wild

"..Because I have you" BYEEEE 😭😭💖💔💔💔 my heart melted into a puddle & I can no longer live

the first kiss that you can't even see !! But still it took a season & a half for the married couple to kiss!😂

Ok shh Vanessa is gonna say something profound I must hear

Who tf am i talking to? I'm losing my damn marbles

And yes that's a Hook reference

"Humanity is fragile and all the sunshine in the world can't save the frail or make the delicate invincible but love has the power to strengthen and protect and guide us to a place where we feel sheltered and fulfilled. Where it doesn't matter if it rains for we are home and dry"

UGH SUCH GOLD!!!

And Shelagh holding Angela next to Ameerah and her new baby, my heart!!

such an amazing show

The End.. until next time..

[killingthebuddha]

A few years ago, I purchased a little nativity scene that held a tea light inside. There it sat at a local fair trade holiday sale, a surprisingly Christian symbol on a table strewn with reindeer, snowmen, the pointy shapes of evergreen trees, and other apparently more secular reminders of the holiday season.

I hesitated. I’d long since discarded, I thought, most traditional Jesus-centered observances at Christmastime. Every December my interfaith family throws open its home to the promise of light, whether that be the light of eight candles burning, the light found in a tiny baby’s new life, or the return of light after the darkness of the solstice. We decorate our home in hues of blue and white, red and green, mixed together in a blend that nevertheless recognizes each tradition as its own, and the progressive religious tradition in which I’ve long found a home celebrates many meanings in the December season.

My hand hovered over the candle holder, with stars cut through the dome of sky to let the candle’s light out. Painted in matte colors with basic, almost childish strokes, Mary and Joseph cluster around the figure in a tiny cradle, simple houses and desert plants hovering in the background. No wise men, shepherds, or angels visit the scene, just the one small, growing family, and stars hanging in the sky above.

I brought the nativity scene home, and set it on our table.

* * *

Every year it hits me, this nostalgia, a backwards glance at Christmases past. It’s my own version of the December dilemma, the difficulty of a holiday connected to and yet separate from the specificity of one tradition. Could I do Christmas without Christ, as I’d been doing for years, letting angels, snowmen and scented evergreen stand in for all the other meanings of the season? Yes, my mind wanted to say, of course I can! After all, our modern-day Christmas originates with the merging of the Roman holiday Saturnalia as a convenient time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, later layered with northern European traditions of Father Christmas and evergreen trees.   

And yet, purchasing the little nativity scene convinced me that I had unfinished business with the religion of my youth, and that winter, I went back to the denomination I hadn’t visited in years, one that lights an Advent wreath and sings the real words to hymns like “O Come, O Come Emmanuel” and “Once in Royal David’s City,” rather than universalized alternatives set to the same tunes. I decided to give putting Christ back in Christmas a thorough church season or two of effort. Wouldn’t it be more honest to keep this reason for the season intact, if I still felt drawn to it? Didn’t it make sense to return to a place where a single symbol conveyed a world of meaning?

*  * *

                                                       When I was a child, we set our nativity scene up on a Japanese-style medicine cabinet that stood in the front hallway. When I was old enough to carefully remove the wooden figurines from the funny shredded paper packaging that kept Mary, Joseph, the wise men, and a few shepherds and angels safe from year to year, it felt like a rite of passage. I’d attained an age when I could handle delicate, sacred matters, carefully arranging Joseph and Mary around the empty wooden cradle, hanging the biggest, blue-robed angel, the one with a white “Gloria in excelsis” banner, on the old nail at the top of the rough wooden scene.

Jesus always sank during the year to the bottom of the paper shavings, and we’d put his naked little plastic self into one of the top drawers of the cabinet, one of the drawers that didn’t contain a host of unused coupon clippings or random stashes of ribbons, buttons, and other long-forgotten supplies. Come Christmas morning, my brother and I were too busy with Santa, stockings, and a plate full of once-a-year Christmas cookies to worry too much about the baby hidden in his dark, lonely manger of a deep wooden drawer. My parents watched us opening gifts, the baby Jesus equally forgotten, our parents equally sidelined by the effusive magic of the present morning.

Usually we remembered Jesus sometime in the early afternoon, after the presents had been opened, breakfast cleared away, my brother and I lost in a pile of new packages, my mom in the kitchen preparing a traditional Christmas dinner. Inevitably, someone would call out, “we forgot the baby Jesus!” and we’d all laugh, run to the manger scene, tenderly lay the naked plastic figure in his cradle, and return to our other activities.

*  * *

Nostalgia paints the world in tones of sepia and roses, offering a false picture of a past that may not keep its promises for the present. Leigh Eric Schmidt, in his now-classic book Consumer Rites (which explores the consumerist origins of our modern holiday traditions), translates the yearly December nostalgia as a concern in “modern, industrialized societies for the genuine, the handcrafted, the authentic, or the real. Modern holidays and their rituals are thought to be sadly insubstantial, ersatz, or hollow; they are never so good, genuine, joyous, or fulfilling as they used to be.”

If it seemed that my own celebration of December holidays had fallen prey to this suspicion, to the fear that my winter-themed, commercialized holiday was somehow in tension with a more “original” meaning, that complaint didn’t quite match the mood in which I bought the blue nativity scene. We kept the Maccabees in Hannukah alongside our menorah and eight days of gifts; why did I feel I had to celebrate a Christ-less Christmas? My nostalgia-fueled holiday critique bypassed the issue of commercialism and went, instead, straight to questions of religious certainty and substance.

There it was on my dining room table, that seemingly innocuous symbol. “What a cute family!” my five-year-old daughter exclaimed as soon as she saw it, asking immediately that the family face her, and not her sister, as we sat down to eat. How could I explain that this wasn’t just any family; this was Jesus and his family?

That night, we lit candles for Hannukah; we lit a tea light in the nativity scene. I stumbled through an explanation that Christmas­­­­––in addition to being a time of warmth and light and family closeness in the dark time of year, not to mention the gift-giving that was paramount in my daughters’ minds––was also the celebration of the birth of the little baby in that scene right there, and that Christians believe this baby came to save the world.

My academic explanation didn’t last long with my five-year-old; she wanted to know what her parent believed. I wanted to know, too.

In trying out my childhood church again, I wanted to touch something holy as if it could be solid and certain. If I could welcome the baby Jesus onto my dining room table, surely there was room in my heart, mind, and body for one more layer of meaning?

I stuck with my childhood church tradition until Easter, feeling the familiar rituals of crossing myself, kneeling for confession, and taking Communion. The actions settled through my body like warm hot chocolate after a long time out in the snowy cold. By Easter, though, my mind had failed to catch up. Words about the “only son of God” stuck in my throat alongside unshed tears, and I found myself thinking about my daughter’s interest in the little family at the manger. Did it have to represent just that one particular family? Couldn’t God be found in more persons than just this one? Could I not also sing, in a riff on Leonard Cohen’s song “Who by Fire,” who in a manger; who in a refugee camp; who on a dusty plain, a humble home, an antiseptic hospital? Which flickering flame of life would provide hope when it was needed most?

Symbols hold not just one meaning, but many. They convey truth not because they are unequivocal, but because they’re multivalent, metaphorical. Wax melts when touched by a candle’s flame; it softens like a heart, and shifts.

***

Nostalgia looks back to a past supposedly more whole, more perfect, more full of promise than the present moment, but Advent, as a season of the church, looks forward in hope to the coming of a better day. What an irony that we spend so much time dreaming of Christmases past and their possible perfections!

In the wrong hands, nostalgia can be dangerous. It gives a false picture of a past that never was. Jesus has never truly been the only reason for the season, any more than America once was greater than it is now. Most of our holiday nostalgia, thankfully, is no more dangerous than baby Jesus being forgotten in a coupon drawer, but nostalgia’s sticky emotional resonance can lead us away from the promises and challenges of the present into an unfounded feeling of what we might have lost. We fear we can’t live up to the past; we face depression, loneliness, and despair as we try to make the holidays shine ever more brightly.

Nostalgia’s illusion can make the holiday season more laden with difficult emotion than it needs to be. Memory creates a powerful pull in that we think we should feel a certain feeling when the holidays roll round, but when we don’t, we assume, automatically, that we’re in the wrong. We assume we’ve fallen away from how things were, a how that must have been more certain, more solid, more joyous than we knew. The truth of both Christmas past and present may be closer, in fact, to the dull ache of difference, a thought can ease our way to holidays of the future. If we can let go of the idea of one single truth or one perfect past, perhaps we can find a little bit of Christmas peace.

In Winifred Gallagher’s Working on God, a memoir of exploring faith after years of leaving church deep in her own past, she interviews an Episcopal priest who was raised in the Salvation Army. “I don’t go back to the Salvation Army,” the priest says, “but I miss it terribly. There’s this sadness about not being there, because even the soap in the bathroom smells right!” It’s possible, the priest realizes, to find spiritual maturity in knowing when one needs to move beyond one’s nostalgic memories, even the memories that smell right, or that feel so familiar deep within the body. Advent challenges cultural Christians, post-Christians, and believers alike to embrace not old nostalgic memories, but new meanings, ones that bring hope for the future.

I sometimes still return to that same church, but I no longer expect it to feel the same as it once did. To miss a tradition doesn’t make it false, but missing it also doesn’t mean it holds the corner on truth, either. Truth, at least as far as memory and tradition are concerned, shines through when something solid softens, and becomes malleable.

Light flickers out through the stars cut in the sky of the nativity scene. Is this a light that shone for just that one holy season, or is it a light that shines when we need the reminder of hope the most? This time, I do not need one answer; the way the candle dances is enough.