#Nolan Oliver T. Lochlain

[trashlie]

Hi Ashlie it's lil anon again 💗 I hope you have adjusted to your meds and had fun experimenting with gouache... That sounds cool, I wish I could do that but too bad I don't have a single creative bone in my body 😭 it's okay I'll stick to playing viddy games...

There is something I want to bring up for your consideration that's been bouncing around in my head. When Hansuke mentioned that it was hard for him to get into medical school despite his excellent grades, people concluded that Yui must have stood in his way and Hansuke's mother probably made a deal with her, correct? That felt like such a relevant tidbit that will come up again, because otherwise why the effort to draw those panels. So... I think there might be a parallel to Nol here. We know he is going to spend the 4 year time skip abroad, right? But how will he get there, when Yui is so opposed to it and needs to keep him under her thumb? So 🤔 I've been thinking maybe Rand makes a similar deal with Yui so she lets Nol go. Not sure what the details of the deal will be, but it could even be something like "I'll get the kid into any school he wants if you step down from the CEO position within the next 5 years and let Kousuke take over, and don't plot anything against me ever again". It's a big sacrifice, but it feels like Rand had some extremely harsh realizations about how miserable Nol is after finding his scarf in the pool, and then finding him bleeding in the snow and the Ivan the Terrible reference. It feels so much like he has reached his end, "it's not my message to pass along anymore" felt so pointed. I also keep thinking about how guilty Rand must be feeling. He didn't only fail his own son, he failed to protect NESSA'S CHILD ;A; someone so precious and important to her, someone she loved so dearly. Even if it was unspoken it's clear that she counted on Rand to take care of their son when she couldn't anymore, and he failed her miserably. Gawd just thinking about that makes me wanna cry 😔😭💔 So maybe this will be what pushes him to step up and actually do something useful for his child, maybe that deal will be his self-sacrifice. What are your thoughts on this? I know I might be reaching, it might be Yu Jing's article that will help Nol go abroad, and I'm very aware of the death flags surrounding Rand, and maybe he'll just die or Yui kills him and that's that. With Kousuke having all these realizations it's not unlikely that Yui gets rid of Rand so they don't become allies. But I don't want his death to be so... pointless, I guess? BE A FATHER EVEN IF JUST ONCE IN YOUR LIFE DAMMIT ;A;

On a lighter but similarly emotional note, when do you think Shinae and Nol are going to be on a first/real name basis? It might be just me but I feel like it's coming 👀 It's been said a thousand times (and good, let's manifest it 🤞🏾) that they must be on the same page by the end of season 1 for the story to flow smoothly. And that must include the names as well, right? Because the names are a big part of the distance between them and to Shinae, "Yeonggi" isn't enough anymore, she wants "Nol". And, in theory, he must first accept his name before he is comfortable with her saying it, but maybe the other way around would work better. If he lets her into the circle of people who can call him Nol even if he isn't completely ready for it, maybe that will actually be the important first step to accept himself. Because if Shinae accepts that side of him and doesn't think he's horrible, then he can't be that horrible, right. Basically a you don't have to love yourself for other people to love you and with time you can see yourself through their eyes and find that everything you dislike about yourself doesn't make you unlovable because they love you regardless type of thing. Does that make sense? I hope you understand what I'm trying to get at 😅 He also doesn't want to be vulnerable and open up as Yeonggi, it's not part of that persona. But maybe once she is on the Nol side for good, he can be more honest, because she is already there so why not. Not that he'll immediately tell her everything, obviously, but just be more honest dude just tell her that you're scared and not ready for certain conversations yet instead of putting up a front! But either way regardless of when, the moment they say each others first/real names is going to be SOOOOOO meaningful so vulnerable so intimate I will simply die on the spot I will just explode 💥 -lil anon 😼 (who still can't keep their messages short)

Lil Anon!!!!! 💗 Okay, ngl I am a big proponent of "creativity is very much a skill anyone and everyone can learn" just that some of us (and myself included lmao) need a little more effort to learn. But also gouache is so fun because I'm realizing so much of painting is about the insinuation of things, rather than painting out every detail? And it's so amazing to me to watch those things come together!!!! But also.... I am not great at video games so I guess at the end of the day we really do have our strengths and weaknesses huh? alfjakjfjfa LMAO :3

Also heads up, the last part of this response will have FP 238 spoilers!

Oooohhhh this is such an interesting thought that I HAVEN'T thought about, but I HAVE been thinking a lot about Rand (I have this messy post in the works about him because as much as he makes me angry I find him really interesting in that, like every other character, he is very much someone trying to survive and his struggles to do so have had a lot of ramifications - especially in failing to protect his son with Nessa. I understand why people hate him but I just have SO MANY FEELINGS and like how... maybe a selfish part of him kept him near, even if he couldn't be a good father to him because of Yui, because he reminded him of her, and how maybe as Nol grows up he continues to see so much of himself in him, and how in Rand's eyes that probably is bad because he very much ended up trapped, he very much lost what he loved, he has very much lived in isolation. But that's a whole other thing but the point is: Rand is on my mind so this is a very welcome question!!!!)

I'd never considered the possibility of a parallel because I guess I'd just sort of assumed that information was given to us to show us how far Yui is willing to go, that she was interfering with her own nephew's career in order to - probably - lord something over her sister, to force her to do whatever it was she wanted, that we are meant to further understand that Yui is so unstoppable even her own sisters can't do anything, and that this isn't the first time Hansuke's career has been on the line. BUT WITH THAT SAID it would make an incredibly interesting parallel! I think in a lot of ways Rand did think he was doing what was right, what he could do. I think a lot about what he said when Nol pleaded guilty, about how he should have sent him away to a boarding school and that as much as a lot of that was said out of actual anger and agitation, at the end of the day Rand cares so much because he loves Nol, even if he was never allowed to act on it, even if he had to repress it and keep it bottled away where it began to fester. Something I think a lot about parenthood in general but esp in ILY is that no one has the foresight to know how things will work out, so parents are doing what they think is best. Often they are wrong, they make mistakes, but again, we are only capable of trying to learn from our mistakes, we can't see how things would play out. Would Nol have been safer at boarding school? Would he have actually been out of Yui's reach? But that's a whole other post (that is coming)

THAT SAID I think yes Rand carries a lot of guilt and knows that he has not been able to protect either of his sons the way he wishes he could have and now he is at this sort of.... fork in the road. Until now, Nol was so very alone, has been surrounded by people who can't be trusted, people of this society who would sell him out immediately. But Rand has seen in Shinae and Nol this connection that maybe he even recognizes much like the one he and Nessa had, that Shinae is very much like she was in her willingness to reach out to and protect Nol, her willingness to stand up for him against even the scariest opponents. In the same night he nearly lost his son, he saw how many people rallied around him, were willing to stand by his side and wait for him to wake up and I think that, yes, it gave him this sense of understanding. Nol is no longer alone, and while it's not him at his side, he knows that the people who are will fight for him, are people who truly love him the way he deserved all this time. And I think that's yes why he is willing to transition out of Nol's life - because he knows that he hasn't been able to provide him the protection he needs. That he CAN'T.

And the idea of him sacrificing himself for Nol's sake (and frankly, Kousuke's, too) would be interesting, because I very much think Shinae will "sacrifice" herself to Yui in order to protect her father, will take up Yui's offer if it means keeping away from her family. What an interesting parallel it would be, too, for both of these people who have put themselves in harms way to protect those they love (I know Rand doesn't seem it, but I think he is a person who has very much been a victim of him circumstances and that he has reached a point in this story that he is willing to get hurt to protect them, that he is finally openly fighting back the way he can in an effort to protect them).

I honestly.... HATE the theory about Rand dying even though the death flags are everywhere lmao ;_____; I feel like I'm constantly closing my eyes to them because I cannot bear to think of what it would mean for both Nol and Kousuke, for neither of them to get that closure. I hate the thought of Nol being left a literal orphan, of Kousuke never knowing that he was loved, like it KILLS ME but it really feels like we're hurtling there and aflkjkafjkafjkaf [SCREAMS] I'd so much prefer that like... Rand have a heart attack that incapacities him or something ;A; - especially because Nana has her own death flags and again, the thought of Nol just being left with NONE of his family?! GOD THAT KILLS ME.

But also I am very much in favor of Rand making such a sacrifice. Something I've been thinking about is that a lot of why Rand's hands were tied was because he was trying to get this far - and now that he has, now that Nol is in safe hands, maybe it IS time to make a sacrifice, to step out of Nol's life and "set him free", if he could give Yui something she wants enough to let Nol go. The thing is.... Yui is very much aware of the effect Nol has on Kousuke, and why it's necessary to keep him around, but perhaps with what Kousuke is learning, that won't remain a matter? I think there is a LOT that is up in the air right now, but I do think we are at a point where Rand COULD make that kind of offer, where he can finally face Yui and fight back in his own way and do something to set his son free of all of this. I think I lean more sympathetic to Rand than most do but I would love to see him take an action that can actually demonstrate to Nol that Rand has always cared, that until now he didn't have other options, that until now he'd thought that this was the safest route.

(But honestly? What was ;__________;)

I JUST WANT TRAGIC FAMILY CLOSURE SOOOOOOOO BADLY AND IT HURTS ME THAT WE MAY NEVER GET IT LMAO ;A;

BUT ON A LIGHTER NOTE YES YES YES ALL OF THIS YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS ;A; once again and as always YOU GET IT YOU TOTALLY GET IT!!!!!!!!

I think Nol and Shinae's story is VERY MUCH a matter of like.... yeah, you don't have to love yourself to be loved, that's bullshit, we all know it's not true. That maybe you can learn to love yourself by being loved. That maybe through the process of being loved you can start to see yourself through their eyes, the version of yourself that they see and love and that it can make that version of you come to life. That even though Nol sees himself as this unworthy monster, that he has been made to feel like he's nothing, a nobody - she can show him that he's something, somebody, she can say his name with an affection that no one else has ever said it with, that she can breathe new life to something that was taken from him and ruined.

I think we VERY much are approaching that point and Nol learning that Yui has been drugging even Kousuke honestly may be the beginning (or again I might just be being very hopeful). I keep reiterating that Nol needs to know this goes beyond him. I want Shinae to get to sit down and talk to him - not just about their feelings but about Yui, that even before Yui knew about their attachments, that she was already put through hell. Tell him about Kousuke's birthday, something that shows Nol even if he leaves Yui already has her claws in her, was already interested even before it involved him. Tell him about the offer because she will end up taking it one way or another and it's better than he knows how, so he's reminded how much she hates this woman, too.

And maybe if Nol can see that it's more than just him, maybe he can see that there is no point in pushing her away. And if that isn't enough, maybe she can convince him how very much they can't ignore any of this, to prove to him how badly she wants to know him, Nol, to see him and meet those secret parts of him he doesn't want anyone to say. To say the name that has felt like a lashing so many times used by everyone else in a way that takes it from nothing to something and makes him want to hear it move. To say her name again and be so familiar (so SO familiar god PLEASE) ;A;

Like IDK I know we've had this conversation a LOT lmao but it just feels like it's two steps forward five steps back if we don't get that closure if they don't have that talk. No one is asking for or expecting him to share everything - to just open up enough to show that he wants to. To admit his fear. If Shinae saw what Dieter did, that kind of fear, how intense it is, and couldn't connect it to what has happened to her, maybe she could get through to him better but at this point she just doesn't know, doesn't understand why he's pushing her. Maybe now that she's realized her own feelings - and can maybe wonder about his - it might make her think of what he said in the alley about fear and people getting hurt but it's a conversation they need to have directly.

And yes, I feel like even from a metaphorical point, he cannot begin to open up as Yeonggi, as this nameless person. They cannot begin anew with her uncertain what to call him, not allowed to use his real name, while he still calls her Yoo. What's he gonna do, maul her and swallow her heart and still call her Yoo? PLEASE. NO.

I feel like it MUST be coming, that some kind of understanding will be coming, even if they know they are separating for a while, even if they know that whatever is between them isn't something that can happen right now, I feel like they HAVE to separate on a true first name basis, right? ;A;!!!!!!!!!

AND I AM DYING FOR IT. /DYING/ I WANT HIM TO SAY HER NAME SO QUIETLY (AND MAYBE BRUSH HER HAIR BACK FROM HER FACE WHEN HE DOES) I WANT HIM TO TWITCH A LITTLE WHEN SHE SAYS THE NAME THAT HAS CAUSED HIM SO MUCH PAIN AND THEN INSTEAD MELT INTO HER. I WANT IT TO BE SO TENDER, SO INTIMATE, THAT HIS NAME NEVER SOUNDED THAT GOOD ON ANYONE'S ELSE'S TONGUE, THAT IT NEVER SOUNDED SO MEANGINGFUL AS WHEN SHE SAYS IT. The intimacy of being the first person to be allowed to say his name, to speak it with so much affection and care that it can undo what others have done to it, that it can breath back the life that was beaten out of it. ;A; What it would mean for her to say it!!!! That thrill of being allowed to share this very secret part, this very special part, something she is so hungry for!!!!!!

Shinae wanting to know everything about him is honestly SO FUCKING TENDER. Like, yes, that's what happens when we find ourselves liking someone, wanting to know everything, wanting to know about the things we were never present for and what shaped them into the person they are, but for Shinae there's that added layer because he has locked out everyone, pushed everyone away, and she wants to know the secrets he won't share, the parts of him that he hides, she wants to privy to every part of him. She wants him in his entirety, she wants to know him and be just as known and GOD to get to breathe his secret name, the forbidden name, the one he would not allow her?

GOD

I cannot even put it into words i just

[explodes on the spot]

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WHEN IT HAPPENS FOR REAL? WHEN HE CALLS HER SHINAE AGAIN? LAKJFKAJKAFKJAFKAKFJJA i can't do this lil anon i aM SO, SO WEAK AND FULL OF EMOTIONS AND TENDERNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS they make me feel sO TENDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[cori-randomstuff]

Romantic stalkyoo? Amazing, chief's kiss

Queer-platonic stalkyoo? Also amazing.

[trashlie]

ILY FP 232

Better known as: trashlie is STILL climbing the wallls and TAKING YOU WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look idk what I can get away saying in these intros without being spoilery anymore because by the time I sit down to write this I’m just VIBRATING AWAY on pure energy. You know when you feel words at your fingertips but you are too consumed by other menial tasks you’ve no interest in doing so you gotta bide your time and it just grows and grows and grows until it bursts out of you howling? 

Yeh.......

Let’s jump right in!!!!!!!!!! 

I’m gonna be real with you guys - it’s gonna take a LOT for me to not to do rambling long repeats of things I said last week. I’m gonna do my best but... 232 is very much a continuation of 231 so it is what it is! 

Leading up to the episode my friends and I were talking and the general consensus was we hoped Shinae would try knocking down Nol’s door but alkjjjkafjkafkj DIDN’T EXPECT SHE WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO TRY TO BULLDOZE THE DOOR ON HER OWN AND START SHOUTING AT HIM THROUGH THE DOOR LMAO but listen Shinae so very PERSISTENT!!!!! She’s so over being thrown out, SO over being shut out, and it’s all right there in front of her but she just CANNOT see it for what it is, cannot understand what is compelling her besides that she cares.

And boy does she care. 

Her frustration is, as I said last week, completely justified, of course, but in this case, they’re both justified and that really does her no favors, does it? Yelling and banging on his door, trying any tactic she can to get him to open up, to rethink his decision to cast her out. He has basically told her “come back when you figure it out” but she doesn’t know what “it” is or what else could be there, so she can only feel like he’s shutting her out once again, refusing to open up to her after just reconciling. 

At the core of Shinae’s frustration and persistence is fear. She’s so afraid of losing him again, terrified of yet another important person letting go and turning their back to her. 

And as much as I feel for Shinae, I also can’t help but feel for Nol who is on the other side of the door, unable to make himself walk away from it, arms pinned at his side against the door as though he doesn’t trust them to not reach for the door handle, doesn’t trust himself to maintain the boundary. He’s kicked her out - but barely. He can’t leave the side of that door while Shinae stands right outside of it, banging away. GOD I enjoy the agony of it, I NEED MORE. Shinae’s threats are so comical but she’s literally grasping at straws and he knows it. The same Nol who broke that day in the rain is barely holding it together, knowing that once again he is causing her pain. 

As readers we know that once she figures it out, she’ll understand. As soon as Shinae understands what Nol is trying to get her to see, she’ll know exactly why he had to draw that boundary and keep the space, but in this moment she doesn’t know any of this, and it is just so agonizing! 

Just as she’s been confessing all day long, she continues to tell him all the things she can’t see for what they are - how much she hates when he shuts her out, how she can’t understand why they’re back here when they just go out of this and GOD i love it because you can FEEL how much she cares. Even if she doesn’t know what the feeling is, even if she can’t call it what it is, she cares so much! And you can see how much it hurts him! How difficult it is to stand there and let her think he’s casting her to the streets again, to have her fight so passionately for him for them when he understands now what kind of hurt he’s inflicted (and continues to inflict!!!!!!!) GOD

Nol understands so well his resistance - his resolve - and knows he has to keep that physical barrier between them. Even before he could barely look at her when he did, when she flustered under his gaze and command, he threw her out before he could crumble all the way and there’s something about seeing it illustrated this way, showing us rather than telling, how hard this is for him. I’m sure his thought is that once Shinae figures it out - once she knows her feelings, once she can understand his feelings, once she can see what Dieter saw that hurt him so much, she’ll be the one to draw the boundary he struggles so hard with. That once he’s not the only one who knows, she can stop pushing him, can stop breaking him down, can act on the effort he can barely muster. 

I love that panel of Shinae banging on the door while he stands on the other side, face screwed up in frustration and agony. It’s so difficult, it’s SO HARD. She’s going on about being shut out, about how “ a misunderstanding” has come between them. She’s so scared their relationship doesn’t mean to him what it means to her, so scared that he’s content to throw it all away, so scared that she will lose him once and for all - and he has to stand and bear it, knowing he’s causing her to feel these things, knowing there’s no easy way out. 

UUUUUUUUUUGGGHHH SCREAMS

It’s the sheer irony! That the thing he wants her to comprehend is the VERY THING she’s yelling at him about, it’s the very thing compelling her. 

Well. That and her sleep deprivation LMAO 

I never shut up about noticing when characters have their eyes closed, but it’s such an important part of quimchee’s subtle storytelling. Note how Nol’s face is still screwed up in frustration when he tells her to go away, followed by telling her she’s so damn annoying. 

I’ve already seen that there are people reading that at face value but over here round these parts, we know better. Nol’s eyes closed as he tells her to go away, while he stands with his door still pressed against the door. 

He so easily could have walked away, gone back to his bed across the room. Instead he stands there, torturing himself as he listens to her yell at him from the other side of the door. Nol tells her to go away because he needs her to go away, for his peace of mind, for his crumbling resolve, but on some level, of course he doesn’t want her to. Of course sending her away, pushing her away, walking away from her is difficult, is something he forces himself to do, that is so incredibly difficult for him. 

Let’s not forget him at the curb retching after hurting Shinae in all the worst ways and then walking away and leaving her in the freezing rain. 

Quimchee literally doesn’t need to spell it out because it’s all right there for us to see. It’s in his closed eyes, in his back against the door he can’t pull himself away from, in his frustration, in his crumbling resolve, in his sheer agony. 

Let’s also not forget how this all started. It wasn’t even initially about Dieter - it was about Nol hiding himself away, about him refusing to show the parts of him that she really wants to see, about how it hurts her that he can’t open up. At the heart of this lmao it’s literally about how Shinae just wants to LOVE him and he wants her to understand tHAT SHE DOES. 

SCREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love this episode it’s so good it’s got me chewing through my freaking keyboard trying to write this AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LKAJFKJFAKJAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJ 

But, of course, the important take away is that Shinae cannot see the forest for the trees. She’s so caught up in her own intense feelings, lost in her fear and what she wants so badly and she only knows how to fight. Shinae is a bit of a short fuse but it’s even worse because of the harrowing 24 hours she’s been through. To think so many episodes ago she was moving back in to her home with Simhan! It feels so far away after everything that’s transpired! She hasn’t slept, we know she hasn’t really eaten in hours, she’s already in a foul mood after how her dance with Nol soured and how upset she got about what he hides from her. There’s now way for her to be rational - trying to literally kick in his door lmao - or think things through because her despair and frustration is so all-consuming it just clouds her judgement. 

There’s something so funny about how Nana takes her away and suddenly settled down, Shinae just goes full sulking lmao. I love how impetuously teenager it is, too, for Nana to tell Shinae that she does, in fact, need to leave, that is isn’t actually the big deal she thinks it is but Shinae is like blah blah OLD PEOPLE WISDOM IS NOT NEEDED HERE alkjfakfjkafjfa lmao 

It must be so funny to Nana, that this little spitfire girl is fighting like hell for him, fighting so hard to not be cast out, and can’t understand WHY she’s fighting, what any of it means lmao like aflkjafjkafjkafj 

Of course Nana knows. Anyone would be able to tell! From how awkward they were around each other in the room, how sulky Nol was fiddling with her headband (AND THE BLUSHING), the whole argument they’ve had about Dieter - who Nana knows!!!!!!!! Had a crush on her!!!!!!!! Of course she with her decades of life can see exactly what Shinae is fighting. 

Taking her away from Nol is important. I LOVE this exchange they have: Nana: You’d need the right key to get that door open. Shinae: And? A key isn’t necessary when you use enough force! Nana: But you could damage the door. And nobody likes an intruder. Breaking doors could get yourself kicked out and never be able to come back. Both literally and figuratively. You wouldn’t want that now would ya?

I’m sure Nana must speak from some kind of experience. Thinking about how she took him in when he left the psychiatric ward where it seems like he was traumatized, from where he still carries so many unhealed wounds and scars, after losing his mother and being left all alone in a foreign country with no family, made to believe he’s some kind of monster like the loss of his mom was his fault, that he deserved everything that came to him. The special name his mom had given him had been worn down and destroyed, tainted and made to mean nothing. He comes home and he doesn’t even go back to his father, to their family, but someone he’s told is his grandma. How can he trust her? His own father doesn’t want him, he’s been sent to live with some stranger, away from his father’s family. An outcast, an outsider, all alone. 

She probably tried so hard to get through to him. How do you reach someone like him? How do you get through to someone who keeps everyone at arms’ length, who is so full of fear and self-loathing, who has been made to feel so insignificant, so worthless, a mistake, a monster. We still don’t even know just how bad it was locked inside there. His fear of Yui, his aversion to medication and hospitals, how much he detests tea, his touch aversion. How much of what he believes about himself - that he caused his mother’s death, that he deserves all the bad, that he will only bring harm to those he loves, that his existence is a mistake - came from there? GOD it hurts lmao lajfjkfjkafjk LIKE just writing this makes me want to howl. This is such a foundational aspect of who Nol is. He’s not just some melodramatic teenager (which even isn’t a bad thing) but he has spent a significant portion of his memorable life in survival mood, just fighting to stay afloat, fighting all of the demons who hold him down. 

Nana loves him so much, that much is so clear. And she knows him so well. She knows what he needs is time, she knows how stubborn and obstinate he is, and she probably knows all too well how he shuts others out and how, much like quicksand, the harder you fight and struggle, the worse it will be. Her line about breaking doors can get you kicked out is so loaded. Did she try to break his doors, too? Did she try so hard to reach someone who wanted to be so unreachable and found herself on the other side of a door, too? aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh 

Just thinking about he was just this scared kid so alone and she believes her daughter took her own life and she didn’t see it coming, didn’t imagine her the person who would do it and it reminded her that you never really know, do you? He was this kid so closed off, so alone, who hid so much, and we’ve seen her reach out to him over and over, encourage him to spend time with people who care about him. I’m sure a part of her worries, fears, that maybe he’d go the same path as his mom. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how he told Dieter he “tried to visit his mom”. That HAUNTS me and I bet it’s something that haunts her, too. 

(Alternatively, if he came out with his Yeonggi mask, ready to fake his way through, ready to force a smile a joke a laugh to pretend everything is fine when under the surface she can see it’s not. Remembering how he met Dieter, I think the Yeonggi persona was a thing that grew the more he tried it on, but whether or not she met him as this scared lonely kid or this kid with a fake mask on, we just know she’s been THROUGH it trying to reach him with everything she’s got ;____________;) 

Getting to see so much into their relationship makes me feel SO FUCKING FERAL. Knowing that yes, Nol DID talk about Shinae to her, that contrary to what we’ve seen through much of this series, Nol didn’t always close himself away in his room locked up with his thoughts and self-loathing. That he would go home and talk to Nana about people who piqued his interest, tell her about his hare-brained attempts to befriend them, about the struggles he faced in getting through to them. Did she see the fond irony - that someone who once was so hard for her to reach to get through found someone who was just as difficult to get through to and one day he went from talking about how difficult she was to talking about her as his friend? GOD it gets to meeeeeeeeeee. She must’ve seen the shift, too - when she went from being the subject of his attempt to help out Dieter to being his friend, to mattering to him. 

I’M IN AGONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I wish we could see a little bit of that, of the Nol he was so briefly before he had to put the walls back up, before the self-loathing fully consumed him again, before all the tendrils of shadow wrapped themselves around him and began to drag him back out of the light again. But fortunately what we DO get comes close. That moment earlier when he told Nana about how he’d already seen his friends, how they all came to celebrate his birthday can you believe it? GOD MY HEART ACHES. 

I suspect we’ll probably be seeing more of them because clearly someone needs to talk with him - someone rational and removed from the situation, someone who can try to make him see that he cannot help his feelings, that he cannot control all situations, and is any of this really your fault? Is it his fault at all that Shinae didn’t like Dieter enough that way, that it didn’t happen over time? Is it his fault if she instead saw something in him that she flocked to, if there existed something between them that she wants to fight so hard for? AAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Both Nol and Shinae are so stubborn so OBSTINATE and they’re both STRUGGLING so of course it was wise of Nana to take Shinae away, even if she had to trick her lmao. Shinae at Nol’s door only makes it worse, could, as she said, push him to lock her out for real. Nana knows that Shinae hasn’t been cast out, she knows what the problem is, but of course why would Shinae believe her? lol It’s that obstinate teenager thing that makes me laugh so much now that I’m well passed that stage - so certain that no one could possibly understand what you’re feeling, that they couldn’t possibly understand what is wrong lmao 

Honestly, Nana and Shinae are nothing like I expected them to be, and I really love that. Nana barely even knows her, but she does know how to poke and wheedle her. Everything feels so poised to help Shinae zero in on the reason behind her frustration. 

I really love that she revealed to Shinae that Nol has told her about her, that she has, from the sidelines through a biased lens, watched their relationship grow - and as a result, saw the effect she had on him, what their friendship did t and for him. Even though Nol has told Shinae she’s special, because he’s so hot and cold, because he doesn’t open up, because she doesn’t get to see him, it’s hard for her to really internalize that it’s true. How can it be when he’s so willing to throw away all of this, right? So for Nana to reveal that she knows all about how closed off Shinae used to be but that changed didn’t it is such a MOMENT for her. She doesn’t look like she can believe it - Nol talked about her? About how she fought him and ran away? 

More importantly, Nana is trying to give Shinae a little nudge that she can’t yet see. She tells Shinae she’s not trying to make her feel bad about turning down Dieter, but to lay out their foundation: that originally Nol was trying to play Cupid, but the arrows got all messed up. I think it’s one of those things that while right now Shinae thinks it’s just people trying to make her feel guilty, soon she’ll see for what it was - the problem lies in their foundation, the reason Dieter is hurt is because of the way it all went wrong. Soon, Shinae is going to be holding her head in her hands yelling about how did she not see it how was she so blind THAT’S what they meant this is what they all meant?! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

I find it really cute that Nana is using the same technique as Nol, trying to get Shinae to think about her feelings. Why do you feel terrible? What did you actually do wrong? How does it make you feel bad? And then LMAO baiting Shinae with a hint about the problem in an disguised effort to kick her out LMAOOOOOOO to be fair, she DOES give Shinae the hint, just..... not the way she wants LMAO 

The way Nana gets Shinae reminiscing, thinking back on how their friendship began, how they ended up at this point, just what is so significant about those oranges - the things Shinae doesn’t say about how they symbolize the change from him being this annoying guy that she wanted nothing to do with to this person she CANNOT let go of that she CANNOT lose GOD. That’s SO good. She talks about how she’s so bad at talking about her feelings and opening up and that she’s trying to be better at it - but she also cannot stop talking about Nol lmao 

She’s moody about all the things she doesn’t know about him yet. What his real name is, why she’s not allowed to use, how Nana gets to do it why can’t she? Does he hate his name, where did the Yeonggi moniker come from? 

“I wanna know where he got it from... There’s so many things I wanna know about him...”

I JUST WANNA GRAB HER BY THE SHOULDERS AND RATTLE HER AROUND lajkfkfjfkafkjafj I love it, okay? it’s one of those tell tale signs - when you grow interested in a person, when you start to like them and you have that insatiable hunger to know them so intimately to know every detail about them you want to know everything about them you want to discover them from inside out. And for her it’s doubly worse since he DOESN’T show her what she wants to see. She’s out here craving to understand him so intimately and can’t understand why he can’t show her that. Why can’t he be vulnerable why can’t he open up?

She is SO HEAD OVER HEELS she is soooooooo full of feelings she wants to know everything he’s hidden GOD!!!!!!!!

HOW ARE THERE PEOPLE WHO DON’T SEE IT? HOW ARE THERE PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET ANY OF THIS?! 

She THINKS there’s nothing going on between them but she’s sulking to his grandma, she’s upset because he won’t show her himself because she wanted to see his face because they shared this intimate tender moment because it was such a SOFT warm HAPPY moment for her and they couldn’t share it because they weren’t on the same level 

She is MOPING she really thinks he’s casting her out and she’s terrified of losing all of that. 

Shinae over here saying that of course all her relationships with her friends are going to be different but she can’t see why this one, in particular, is so dire, doesn’t understand what the everything she thinks he’s throwing away signifies. 

GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really look forward to learning more about Yeonggi, because I’ve been really curious about that, too. Was it a name he’d just picked out, what was the significance? I look forward to Nol telling her about it, too; Nana has told her all she knows and anyway it’s better to let Nol do it. It’s better for Nol to know all of this, to hear all the things Shinae wants to know, how she’s so insatiably hungry to know everything about him, how she just wants to know him - everything there is to him the good the ugly the things he hasn’t shown anyone else ;A; aaaahhhhhhhhhh 

Nana is really the PERFECT character to REALLY bring in for this arc. She goes head to head with Shinae lmao and dances circles around her. The whole distracting her as she evacuates her from the building while getting her to dwell on her feelings? PERFECTLY executed. Telling her the hint she’s looking for is that SHE is one of the problems LMAO aklfkafkjafjfjf What’s she supposed to do with that information?! 

Of course, like I said earlier, like Nana is telling her, some down time WILL do wonders. Right now her head is so full of intensity, but when she steps away, when she’s mulling and dwelling and sleeps and assuages her crankiness when her brain can go back to functioning well, THEN she’ll be able to think about it, THEN she’ll be able to figure out what the key is. But right now she’s just making things worse - for him, for herself, and for their problem. 

Sleep deprivation really messes with you lol especially when she’s spent the most harrowing night of her life. Can you believe that this probably beats out THE KIM FORMAL because this time she NEARLY WATCHED HER BEST FRIEND DIE OUT IN FRONT OF HER?! Christ!!!!!!!!! 

And besides Shinae, Nana, and Nol, this episode feels like it’s nudging a couple other things. The pointed emphasis on the hospital departments and floor board feels like a nod that Hansuke will be bringing Kousuke here for his CT scan. On the one hand, I’m really excited to see more about Kousuke and what Hansuke is thinking. I’m no doctor but I assume a CT scan might be able to indicate some kind of drugging just because how it would affect the brain, right? A brain on a particular medication would look a certain way? Forgive me, science was never my strong suit and I don’t know the difference between a CT and other scans lmao but I imagine if it’s the kind of imaging that can indicate neurons firing and active parts of the brain, maybe it would tell them enough that they should try more labwork? Especially now that Hansuke knows about the hormone imbalance and has picked up on Kousuke’s fixation with tea and it being one of the only things he can remember (that he’s admitted). 

But on the other hand..... Nol has SO much going on, is he ready to face Kousuke again? Like, don’t get me wrong, I want to see more of them, especially knowing how worried Kousuke is about him, that he hasn’t forgotten what happened last night or that he caused it. But with everything Nol is dealing with - the aftermath of it all, feeling like an asshole for hurting Dieter, Shinae, all of this, is he ready to see Kousuke again? I guess part of me worries that Kousuke is... yknow. More fragile and that if he fights with Nol, it might affect the progress he made? Or maybe now that they had that er... “heart to heart” now that he confessed those sins his fears he would be able to hear Nol out without deflecting? 

I just know if Kousuke ends up at the same hospital and he spots anyone from Nol’s circle he’ll try to find him lol he IS worried (and worried for HIM not based on Rand or punishment or any of that). He’s got no idea how Nol is, where he is, what happened, how bad it is. GOD. HARROWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Everyone is going to be SO HAUNTED by this night. 

The other matter is, of course, the custodian taking out the trash when Nana tells them they should go somewhere private, she doesn’t want “him” eavesdropping on the conversation. Initially I’d assumed this is because ultimately she is trying to get Shinae the heck out of there and it’s her excuse to get him out, but it could easily have been written “So no one can eavesdrop” right? 

The theory is that this is one of the people that Yui probably pays to act as a spy for her so that she can keep track of people and always knows what they’re doing, so she can always be two steps ahead. The only thing that really gives me pause regarding this, though, is that she has no idea where Nol is (yet). She has no idea where Rand took him, and I can’t imagine she employs people in hospitals all over the city should anyone report anything suspicious to her. So how would this be one of her spies? 

I’m not saying it’s not possible at all because he WAS very emphasized, but it just leaves me wondering if Yui doesn’t know where they are, how could that be a spy, right? But look, sometimes the narrative pulls a fast one on us. We can’t see what she’s up to at all times, now can we? 

All in all, I really loved this episode and I’ve been loving this arc SO MUCH. All of this everything since the Christmas party has been SO GOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!! Seeing all of those plot lines really converge and the stakes go higher has made every episode a treat to read, but I love that in the midst of this, Shinae and Nol have this very big, important thing to clear up. Over the course 230 episodes we’ve been watching these two grow so important to each other and honestly, I love watching Shinae fight for him like this, even if lmao she’s going at it all the wrong way. For someone like Nol who is so used to being invisible, to have her putting up such a fight, confirming whatever feelings he can’t be sure if she actually feels, would be such a welcome thing - except for the reminder that Dieter has been hurt in the cross-fires. I really want to see Nana have a talk with him and maybe TRY to get him to see it, that you cannot control feelings, that acting on them isn’t bad. That Dieter WILL come around, that he isn’t really much of a friend if he puts his own wants and happiness above Nol’s. 

But of course, Nana alone won’t do. Nol REALLY needs to talk to Dieter, too. But unlike Shinae, Dieter seems to know he needs to be alone for a little while. He’s got to sort out his own feeling and untangle that hurt. Thinking about things from his perspective IS painful - Yeonggi cut them out, he blocked their numbers, he refused to see them, and then suddenly he shows back up after asking to be left alone, he almost DIES in front of them, and Dieter wakes up to witness Nol and Shinae having this moment. 

He’s got a lot of things to sort out, too, he needs sleep and room to think. 

I’m really interested to see how all of it plays out. For Dieter’s sake, I hope there’s some kind of explanation because unlike Shinae, he and Soushi are still in the dark. Why did Nol leave and come back? Why did he box them out? He showed so much affection when he hugged them and told them he loves them so I’m sure they know that he has his reasons but still, people have limits. They deserve to know what Shinae does. I she willing to have that talk, though? 

aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I imagine we’ll probably be veering back to Kousuke here shortly, if not the next espisode. I imagine Shinae may get picked up before that.... ? Maybe? It feels like we were JUST with Kousuke, but I don’t think we’ll be revisiting Yui JUST yet. Maybe we’ll see Shinae get home, let her thoughts pull her to sleep, and then go visit Kousuke and Hanske? IDK god knows I can never predict what’s coming next but no matter which direction we go, we don’t go wrong! 

It’s so funny that the fabled Minhyuk party was something that I thought would happen and then we’d slide slowly into a timelapse taking us through the first time jump to graduation and stuff but SURPRISE: NOL ALMOST DIED, KOUSUKE IS UNDERGOING HELL, NOL’S FREEDOM HAS BEEN EXTENDED, CHRISTMAS IS COMING UP!!!!!!!!! We have literal DAYS left until Nol goes away, and then do we even immediately go into our timelapse timeskip?! Quimchee talked so much about how she didn’t want to have to draw snow, so at least so much of this takes place indoors but LMAO it’s still kinda funny

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I love this webtoon so much I love this story so much I love this whole arc honestly it’s been hit after hit for me and I’m so glad I get to keep screaming about it every week at all of you and just scale walls and swing from rafters I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[trashlie]

ILY FP 233

God I CANNOT believe we are 233 episodes in already. It feels like we were JUST at 151 watching Nol walk away from everything and everyone and here we are? 70-some episodes later? SOOOOO close to the fabled time skip? NUTS!!!! Even though at the time I’d always hoped Nol would make his return at the Christmas party, that we wouldn’t go into the time skip without resolution, I didn’t image how any of this would have played out, or what would have come of it. 

I’ve probably said it before, but I’m just.... so amazed at what we’ve gotten out of Nol since the Christmas party arc began. He’s such a difficult character for me to predict and he’s so swaddled in all of the ramifications of his experience, his trauma wraps itself around his neck like some kind of boa constrictor, so frankly, everything that’s been happening the last couple (few?!) months is INSANE to me! 

Let’s dig in! 

Honestly this conversation between Nana and Nol is much needed. Don’t get me wrong - Nol very well knows and understands the ramifications of not only developing, but acting on these feelings. It’s not that he is acting on them that is the problem as much as the fact that Shinae is unaware, the fact that he needs to have a talk with Dieter. It’s such a mess no matter how you look at it with no real easy way out, and that’s without even considering the circumstances right now. Acting on these feelings when he’s about to disappear from her life again (serving time). Did he even intend to talk to her about it? Did he even intend to try suss out her feelings, if it’s reciprocal or not? 

On the one hand he isn’t entirely wrong - there ISN’T a lot he can do at this stage. Like, yeah he can confess his feelings to Shinae, spell it out for her why Dieter is so hurt why he’s acting like that, but tit would unfairly influence her own feelings that she’s yet to have time to process. It would put her in an uncomfortable position she’s not ready to face. He could have tried to talk to Dieter before he found out that he saw it all, but what would that do in the moment? Like Shinae, Dieter needs his own time to process, to try to grapple with and sort out his feelings. He’s bound to be much more volatile if pushed right now. 

That said, I find it interesting that Nol’s eyes were closed when he said he doesn’t know where his phone is and that it’s not easy when he’s stuck in the hospital - which isn’t entirely a lie, but I wonder if it’s more that he knows he’s avoiding the inevitable, the painful and the awkward? That he’s let opportunities slip through his fingers rather than face them? idk. 

I love Nana’s tough love, though. She’s not unnecessarily harsh on Nol, even if the comparison to Rand felt like a low blow, because we know that seems to be a motivator for him. He DOESN’T want to be anything like his father and he certainly doesn’t want to treat Shinae like Rand did Nessa. 

When I first read this episode, initially I was really wary of that frame with Nol’s eyes hidden from us when he says “I would never” because man all Nol DOES is push people away. All he does is decide that he doesn’t deserve what he wants and then deny them any say in their relationship, and it feels so very much like that’s the thought in his mind. That he would never so he’ll never act on it again so he’ll shove it deep down inside so he’ll learn to be platonic. 

But listen Nol, is that even possible? He had to kick her out of his room because he could not be alone with her - because he knew she isn’t drawing boundaries and every time he toes the line she lets him because he knows he loses composure he stops thinking that she’d just look at him like *that* and he’d crumble in front of her. The problem is, he’s already started this conversation. He can’t go back on it. At some point, Shinae is going to figure out what he meant by what he didn’t say - why Dieter would feel hurt, what that moment meant for them, just like he told her to. And then what? Is he gonna play the “I have a girlfriend” card? She knows it means nothing! Is he gonna play the “Dieter likes you” card? But doesn’t Shinae get say in her feelings? 

He still needs a conversation with Dieter, of course. Nol is so unpredictable to me, but I feel like there’s no way he could move forward knowing his feelings without talking to Dieter at some point. I have no doubt Nol feels like he owes him an apology and I have no doubt that Dieter doesn’t actually think Nol betrayed him or anything. But Dieter was the one picking up the pieces of Shinae when Nol made a mess of her. He was the one who found her crying in the rain where Nol left her. He was the one trying to talk her through it - even said out loud that she loves him, knowing he sensed it was a different kind of love than how he loves Nol. He’s the one who knows how hard she’s been trying to reach Nol, how much she is afraid to lose him CANNOT lose him, how much it tore her up. 

I really want to see Nol and Dieter have that conversation. I don’t think Dieter is the type of person who would feel like he has “dibs” on Shinae because he respects her as a person and, y’know, isn’t territorial of her like she’s some kind of possession. But what he CAN lay into Nol about is the way he’s treating her. Nana is right, too - you can’t just push her away and hope all of this will go away. And Nol moreso knows better because he knows about Alyssa now, he knows about Shinae’s trauma, about being cast aside by someone you care about. Even the way she responded to him when he first touched her scar, first brought it up; Shinae has not healed completely from that wound, even if it’s a scar. 

To do what he’s done this night - to return to her and be so honest, to share those moments together when he thought everyone was asleep and then push her away, close her out, box her out again - would be devastating and hugely unfair to her. If his plan is to really leave forever and never come back then whatever, but we know better. 

I will say, though. I really enjoy seeing Nol be really pathetic about this. I am taking GREAT pleasure out of it, sorry not sorry. Especially because Shinae has already suffered tremendously over his ghosting, over the realization that someone who is so precious to her could just throw her away like that. I want this man to AGONIZE. I know he’s trying to tell himself to walk away that he can’t do this to Dieter that Shinae deserves better but I always want him to know he CAN’T that he’s in too deep that he can’t walk away from someone who care about him, someone who worries about him, someone who grants him those moments of serenity and brings him calm in an otherwise tumultuous life. 

I think that’s the thing that’s so wonderful about seeing him this miserable, too - we are so very often locked out of Nol’s mind, it’s often so difficult to understand what he’s thinking about, what’s going on in there, but we can at least tell how torn up he is. How there’s a miserable part of him that doesn’t want Shinae to figure it out, how much he loathes that he resembles his father in this way. It’s not like he set out to fall for Shinae, it just happened, it’s something that has been blooming all along in the background, the seeds were planted and tended to in all of their moments together - all of those times she disarmed him and he let her in, gave her a little taste of who he really is. Falling for her was the last thing he wanted. And yet.

And yet. 

Even though Nol is denying it at every opportunity, it’s still an indirect admission. His concern when asking Nana if she told her - we know what he means. He tells her there’s nothing going on but also states he’s trying. His attempts to deny it are futile when he keeps betraying his lies with the truth lol. 

But look, I can’t help but love how sulky and miserable he is. He made this bed now he’s gotta lie in it. 

But really, Nana is much needed at this time, because Nol’s typical moves won’t make anything better. She knows him better than that, and knows that both Shinae and Dieter deserve better. He’s not allowed to play with her feelings and then run away; he owes her a conversation, the truth, an apology. Ignoring it won’t solve anything, and pushing her away won’t fix anything, Nana gets it. Nana speaks on behalf of us. 

But Nana is also right. Shinae and Dieter aren’t the only ones affected by what’s happening here.

What a fantastic segue to Alyssa lol 

Alyssa, my messy problematic fave ;~; Alyssa my misguided lost little lamb ;~; 

I know most people hate Alyssa but I am not most people and listen, I am BIG TIME worried and scared for her.

BIG. TIME. 

We’ve known the connection between Yui and Gun Kim is close and we even know that Gun has contacts with several media conglomerates but I don’t think we really knew just HOW close he was, holy shit!!!! I cannot even begin to describe the DREAD and fear that filled me to see him show up like this. Especially like this ;~; 

Seeing Alyssa hiding in the bathroom on the toilet gave me immediate worry but fortunately it doesn’t seem like anything had happened; she’s just taken refuge in the bathroom, her shirt was thrown up on by her boyfriend who seems to have sent her a cryptic message and hasn’t responded to her since. My guess is that maybe when Kousuke punched him and he fell, a message got sent...? Maybe while people were gathering his barely conscious bloodied body and moving him into Yujing’s car? Idk! The point is: she’s worried. 

The way she’s sat on the toilet resembles the way she hid herself in her blanket at home that day Shinae visited her, a day where she was also very worried that someone was upset with her. I’m not saying I don’t think Alyssa is genuinely worried about Nol, but she does get very anxious when she thinks people are mad at her, and she knows Nol has every right to be mad at her. What she said was cruel, even if she meant it in the moment, and Alyssa absolutely cannNOT lose Nol - she needs him, not just for her career, but probably also for her protection. He’s one of the only friends she has at this time, even if she doesn’t treat him that way. And I think knowing that Rand left the party gave her some kind of indication that something is afoot, even if she doesn’t know what. 

Let’s not forget that Alyssa witnessed him jumping off a balcony into the pool below. And now this weird message? Now all these messages he’s not responding to? Rand has left? What’s going on? 

And she doesn’t even time to worry about him because Gun Kim is at the bathroom door, ushering her along, they have another schedule to make. What time is it? Are we aligned with Nol’s time? Did they stay the night at that hotel? They’re still there, at the setting of the Christmas party, not at their dorm or anything like that. They still have last night’s costumes, off to their next schedule. How long has it been? Did she sleep at all?! 

Something that really stands out is the expression on Alyssa’s face when Gun is calling in, asking if she needs any help. Maybe that expression is just because she can hear her groupmates talking about her, perfectly willing to leave her behind, but with what we know about Gun.... you can’t blame me for thinking that she, too, knows a thing or two about that man and would prefer anything but. 

One of the girls says something about how she’s always doing weird shit back at the dorm. How weird are we talking? Are we talking curling up in a ball and hiding in her blanket when she feels like things are falling apart? Are we talking coping methods for trying to deal with the plaguing feeling of knowing she’s so disliked, that nothing she does can make up for it? Or are we talking.... even weirder? Is it connected to whoever Alyssa is always on the phone with? 

The more I think about her, the more I worry for Alyssa. Truly, fearfully worry. 

Alyssa’s group is called GL4SS and the panels of her getting ready are glass shards - really on the nose there. It harkens back to that moment Shinae visited her house, where she so quickly pulled herself together like she wasn’t really moping at all, back at her violin as if nothing was amiss, nothing to see. Shinae thought it was so weird but look at how practiced it is. In a matter of minutes she pulls herself together, puts her face on - her mask, her facade, her persona - and steps back out like a good girl. 

One of my friends pointed out how very much Alyssa donning her make up was so much like Nol doing Shinae’s make up at the formal. Nol was directly helping and protecting Shinae both in putting the make up on her and taking care of her throughout the evening, and he wasn’t the only one. When she was in danger, Nol, Kousuke, and Meg came together to search for her. 

But no one is doing Alyssa’s make up.

No one is there to protect her, to defend her. 

She’s alone when she comes out of the bathroom and finds Gun Kim waiting for her, her groupmates having already left to go to their next schedule alone. 

Thinking about it from that perspective makes it feel so much worse. There is no one to protect Alyssa, to keep her safe. It is just her and an actual shark, an actual literal monster, who is to take her - alone - to her next schedule. Everything about her body language has me SCREAMING - she looks so uncomfortable, trying to shrink in on herself, arms tightly at her sides, everything about her posture screaming uncomfortable. 

But it’s the things he SAYS. That weird “joke” that isn’t funny. That pointed dig about not wanting to give them another reason to dislike her. Danger alarms are going off, this man should NOT be anywhere in her vicinity, let alone be alone with her. 

Here’s something to consider about Alyssa. 

No matter what she does, her groupmates are never going to like her - no matter how skilled she is, no matter how hard she works, because they know how she got here. They know she’s got connections to the group’s sponsors! They know Yui handed her this. They probably trained for years, worked so hard to beat out other trainees, sacrificed so much for this and Alyssa just came prancing in. 

No matter what she does, what she contributes, it will always be invalidated by how she got here. 

And despite this, she seems to be the face of the group. She’s so popular that people are already calling her overrated. She’s already been doing CFs/endorsements. She has been granted things the other girls haven’t. Not only was she invited to the ultra exclusive Kim formal, but Yui pulled strings so that she (and only she) could attend. She’s chummy with Kousuke and Nol - and we know Sumin knows/assumes she’s dating him because she pointedly mentioned how Alyssa is always on the phone. 

Her groupmates are (rightfully) jealous and she has no friends in them. The one thing she’s wanted is to belong. To be a part of something. But even in something like this, where you would expect to belong, where you work 24/7 with your groupmates, live with them, spend all of your time with them, she still doesn’t belong because of how she got there. 

Fans will never be her friend and will only ever conditionally love her. 

Who does she have? Who can she turn to? 

Yeah she has Meg, but is she going to open up about her loneliness, about what she struggles with? What if Meg takes it as a slap to the face? Alyssa isn’t dumb and she isn’t blind - I think she must know that Meg feels some kind of inadequacy measured against Alyssa, the successful daughter, the famous daughter, the one who will be bringing home money while she tries to finally finish university for once. 

And Yui and Gun Kim know this. By circumstances alone Alyssa was already isolated, has no one in her corner, no friends outside of the group, no friend in her group. And what can she do to combat that? Who can she turn to? 

I wonder if those dating rumors are going to come up soon. If everything that transpired this night/day are to set us up for the coming time skip - will Nol and Alyssa still be together? If we’re setting up for the timeskip, I think we’re about to see a major shift. 

Remember when I said that dating Nol affords Alyssa some kind of protection? While she can’t publicly say she is dating, she can at least thwart some advances privately, those who know of her relationship - like the Kims. (Though, let’s be real, has that ever stopped them? Ugh.) I think that while yes Alyssa has hung on to her relationship with Nol because she wants to keep Yui’s favor.... I think Alyssa benefits in a way Nol is very unaware of right now, and that’s why she is so desperate to keep in with him. 

But if those dating rumors come up? If she has to publicly renounce their relationship, because she’s being forced to, because not doing so will ruin her career, because not doing so will find an awful punishment for her? Then what?

I think it sets up a couple things. Firstly, I think that could be the final blow for Nol. Much like he’s wiped his hands of Kousuke, perhaps he would do so of Alyssa, because who wants to continue to play pretend that they’re dating when she has to publicly renounce their relationship? He’s tried to help her, he tried to save her, and from his perspective, it never did anything, so why waste his energy on something futile? Just like he realized reaching Kousuke was futile, maybe he’ll feel the same of Alyssa, wipe his hands of her once and for all.

But if that comes to pass, then it means Alyssa is so truly alone, so isolated, caught completely in a trap that it’s too late to turn back from, and I don’t think she’s going to be given the opportunity to escape. I’m really worried that we’re about to see Alyssa realize how very trapped she is and that this is what’s going to carry us into the future.

;___________________;

I am so SO terrified for her. ;__________;  

[trashlie]

FP 224

First things first, if you read this episode when it initially dropped and had no music, please do yourself a favor and go back and reread it again. The music has been uploaded and it is BEAUTIFUL, just.... idk it’s a little haunting, a little playful, but a lot of melancholy! Please go re-read it with your sound on! 

To no one’s surprise, I cried a lot, again, and in the subsequent few times I’ve reread it, I keep crying LMAO ;~; The feelings, okay. We’re having a lot of them. I want to shout about so many things but first I gotta protect everyone from spoilers, so let’s go!

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. The absence of Nana thus far was glaring, but until she showed up, I didn’t realize how MUCH Nol - and even we as readers - needed her. Shinae does such a beautiful job of trying to nudge Nol to opening up and trying to talk about his problems, but one of the main issues is that, of course, she just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand what Nol’s experience is, and doesn’t know just how deep the darkness goes. But Nana does. And she’s everything Nol needs in a guardian: someone who calls him out on his shit, someone who fiercely loves him, someone who can be honest with him, and someone who can apologize. 

This is, by far, the most they’ve ever talked about Nessa, and his surprise that the Lochlain’s had a strained relationship goes to show how little they’ve really talked about her (and how it’s so easy for him to believe that Nana could have been a paid actor). And now that we know about their strained past, it’s understandable why she doesn’t come up more than she has, how difficult it must be to talk about it. This is where I just sobbed and sobbed lol and like!!!! Even trying to write about it!!!!!! 

Nana was a single mother (confirmed on a patreon stream) so of course the last things he wanted was for Nessa to continue the cycle, to endure the same hardship. Of course from her view Rand was a terrible partner (if we can even call him that) given his circumstances (y’know, his marriage and living in a different country). Of course she would view this as a terrible idea, so it’s not a surprise that they argued and things left off in a bad way. But to know that there was never any reconciliation, that they never got to make any peace? That hurts SO MUCH. To know that Nessa spent the next years of her life raising Nol alone, with no family contact, before she decided to move to The United States of Asia (lol). There’s just so much grief for what could have been, what should have been, and what never got to be. 

It’s no wonder she loves Nol so fiercely, despite everything. Even if she didn’t approve of the way he was brought into this world, the circumstances surrounding his creation, she loves him so much. I think a lot about her line, that not all “mistakes” are terrible - that yes, perhaps Nol was a mistake, that he wasn’t planned, that he was an accident between a married man and his lover, but that doesn’t demean who he is, or make him lesser. She still welcomes and loves him. In a way, she’s his opportunity at a do-over. To Nana, she failed her daughter; she should have tried harder to find her, to get in touch, to make peace instead of be angry. We can assume, too, she was only so angry because she loved her daughter so much and she didn’t want her to go through what she did to raise her. And now they are each others’ only connection to her. 

It’s even worse that they live with this knowledge that she took her own life, that they have no reason to suspect otherwise. And frankly, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if finding out otherwise will reopen that wound? Nana has made her own kind of peace - she says Nessa didn’t strike her as the sort to do that, but that it shows we don’t always know what goes on inside someone’s head (does she wonder about Nol, about those darkest corners of his mind?) and in a way, she seems to understand how Nessa would arrive to the decision. She believes it’s something she could have talked her out of it, thus, like Nol, she carries her own burden of guilt, her own belief that by losing contact with her daughter and not trying hard enough to find her, she blew her only chance to save her, lost out on the opportunity to help her find comfort she needed. 

So how will they feel if/when they find out that it may not have been suicide at all, that it may have been drugs or murder staged as suicide? When you’ve made a sense of peace, what do you do with all this new grief, when you realize it’s not that she reached such a dark point, but instead, that a witch worked her dark, ugly magic (yes, I saw the How to Banish Witches book [but only after it was pointed out to me lmao])? 

Listen it just. It hurts lol it hurts a lot and it’s such a very real thing. Was Nana wrong for being upset with Nessa? Of course not. But unfortunately, none of them are fortune tellers, no one could see what future awaited Nessa should nothing change. There’s so many what if’s and what about’s and none of them matter because the future cannot change, the past has been set in stone, and if you dwell in a pool of what if’s too long, you will surely drown. 

Idk, the grief is just. So heavy. And we can see how, in their own ways, they both carry that weight of guilt, but only Nana seems to have found a way to live with t. In Nol she has the opportunity to redo what she failed to, to stay at his side and not let him run away. Even though he doesn’t open up, she knows his past, she knows his awful relationship with his father, she’s watched the way he isolates himself and how he refuses to open up. She knows enough to know that Nol needs her at his side, that he, too, is bound to leave and run away, and it’s her goal to try to stop him. And goddamn, I love her so much for it. I love her so much for her unconditional love of him, for how fiercely defensive she is, for how much she continues to love him even when she can tell he tries to fight it. Where would he be without her? ;~; 

Nana also paints us a pretty decent image of who Nessa was, not only in how she describes her, but her own personality. If Nessa was anything like Nana, and I imagine she must have been, she surely was tenacious and headstrong. Nana describes her as a good and honest woman, and while, sure, a mother would very likely talk only highly of her daughter and not describe her in negative ways, we can still see that from Nol, too. After all, he at least spent his formative years with her. He didn’t get his sense of goodness from nowhere. Even though he makes up justifications for why he’s done the things he has - like befriending people he could tell needed help, to put a little joy into their lives - it still stems from his own perceptions of the world, and what it takes to be a good person. After all, his efforts wouldn’t be penance if they didn’t have good intentions. 

I think this leaves us with enough to confirm what I’ve felt all along - that Rand and Nessa must have truly loved each other. Nana herself basically says that Nessa wouldn’t fall for someone so cold and stoic as the Rand we know, that she wasn’t chasing money, but instead she saw something no one else has ever seen. Rand is haunted by his mistakes - by his marriage to Yui, by who seems to be an accidental baby, by the loss of Nessa. While he obviously shut down long before her loss, as an effort to give Yui nothing to use against him, keeping his cool so she wouldn’t have the satisfaction of rankling him, I do think the part of Rand Nessa knew and loved died with her. There’s something so profoundly sad about how his two sons are affected by this - one who cannot reconcile with not being good enough, the other who simply believes that man never existed - and how the only person who has ever experienced him is gone. 

Not to get on our cycles and parallels, but I think Nessa was able to provide that comfort and safety to Rand, to give him a place where he could let down his walls. Even outside of his marriage, business is a harsh environment, with no room for a goofy clown. But I think away from all of that, in their own little bubble, Nessa was able to draw out that part of Rand, able to love and appreciate him for who he was. To some degree, it makes sense that he turned out this way. It stands to see yet if he met Nessa before or after his marriage, and how that alters my perception of events, but I do think it’s deeply sad that Rand found comfort where he wasn’t supposed to, that his choices haunt him the ways they do. I imagine when he entered his marriage with Yui, he had no idea how she would “turn on him” (I say this loosely because were they ever really on “the same side”?) and had no idea what a prison he was making for himself. Would he have chosen differently if he knew otherwise? Or would hubris have made him believe he could have endured it, that it was worth it for the fortune he’d amass? 

Again, what it’s don’t matter, though, because he made his choices and here we are with his incredibly broken (mentally AND now physically) son and the shared grief between a boy and his nana. 

When I tell you this shit HURTS me lmao ;A; 

But, speaking of family resemblances, I love that panel of Nana musing that maybe she should break Nol’s legs, because it reminded me SO MUCH of that panel in 219 where Nol was talking about mistreating the meat before it became a hamburger. Just. So much family resemblance in those moments! 

I could probably talk all night about how much this part of the episode hurt me but, frankly, it’s an episode full of pain so let’s get to it all ;~; lmao 

Sigh. Sweet, sweet Dieter ;A; As always, I am proven wrong lmao which is so funny to me somehow. Like, I continue to make guesses that are never right, but in some way, I really enjoy that. Although, well... 

I do think that yes, Dieter is very frustrated and upset about finally facing what I think he’s suspected all along, but I don’t think that’s the whole of it, if that makes sense? Like, of course he’s going to be upset, right? Even though he knew better, I’m sure he got his hopes up. Shinae wasn’t just spending time with him as a strictly platonic friend - the whole of their amusement park date, the hand-holding, the way she’s come to start relying on him, the way she was seeking comfort in him. He can’t help but hope it meant that maybe she was starting to like him the way he likes her. Even if he kept telling himself not to get his hopes up, that’s just the nature of feelings. We can’t kept control them, or else life would be so much smoother. And despite his hopes, I think at the back of his mind he knew. Remember when he was asking Minhyuk for tips on how to talk to Shinae, how to have that easy breezy kind of conversation she has with Nol. Dieter was picking up on their chemistry. When he and Soushi found her in the rain, the way he looked at her confirmed that he realized she was so much more torn up about this - not to downplay his own feelings at all, just that there was a reason she was so torn up, it affected her in a different way than it did him, because while Dieter also loves Nol, his feelings don’t border on something else like Shinae’s did. 

And in that painful (but honestly, I’m sorry, really hauntingly beautiful) panel of him waking up in the shadows, looking on and watching Shinae and Nol tuck their heads close while listening to the music from her phone, Dieter confirmed something he didn’t want to be true. 

And it DOES suck, it DOES hurt, he has every right to be upset about it. But I don’t think he’s upset AT Nol or Nol and Shinae. Not for that, at least. He knows just as well that you can’t control your feelings, because he was the one getting his hopes up after being rejected so cleanly. He was the one who couldn’t help but feel the sparks of hope when Shinae started to get to know him, to rely on him. And that’s what makes it hurt so much. Because she DOES. She says it herself - he’s always there for her, he’s so dependable and comforting, she has no problem seeking solace in him. The way she hugs him when he finds her in the waiting room - Shinae from before would never let anyone see such a vulnerable side of her, and certainly not face-on. But that’s the sum of it. He is the dependable friend, the comforting friend. When Shinae says she can always rely on him, we see Nol’s back - someone she hasn’t been able to rely on, and yet, he’s the one where her feelings have gone to. 

It’s not a diss to him by any means. Those ARE things to cherish in a friend, those are things that make someone special. But Dieter wants to be more than that, and it hurts to be relegated into that role. Shinae doesn’t mean to hurt him, either; I think she’s so deep in her feelings she doesn’t realize the way they affect others. There’s no room right now for her to pause and realize that maybe it hurts Dieter, to rely on him this way. That’s not to say I don’t think there’s room for that comfort in their friendship at all - it’s just that he’s going to need that space to heal, to confront his feelings and make peace. Nol noted before that Shiane doesn’t always realize how her words and actions affect Dieter, that even if he said he wanted to be friends, it didn’t mean those feelings had gone away. 

Something really interesting to me, actually, is how neither Shinae nor Dieter really address anything - but there’s a mutual understanding about something. Does Shinae realize that Dieter was awake? She must assume he knows something, because she immediately starts in about how stupid she feels about planning anything for Nol, that he’s so stubborn, so she must have some expectation that Dieter understands that Shinae left - and why she did. But it also feels like they’re dancing around it. There’s no acknowledgement that he overheard anything, that he has come to any realizations - and frankly I don’t think Shinae has come to any realizations herself. When she admits she does care, and she wishes that caring alone was enough, I don’t think she’s aware of the difference in how she cares vs how Dieter does. 

This is also the most we’ve ever seen this side of Dieter - the closed eyes of deceit, how serious he is, how frustrated he looks. Again, very understandably lol. I feel for him, I really do. Just because I ship what I ship doesn’t mean I don’t have a soft spot for them - and it really hurts! I think it’s ESPECIALLY painful because yes, he HAS gotten his hopes up, YES as he and Shinae grew closer he couldn’t help but become hopeful, but also HE ALSO LOVES NOL. That’s his friend, that’s someone who reached out to him when he was so alone and homesick. He understands what anyone would have seen in Yeonggi, and he understands why, even after Nol hurt them, Shinae can’t let go. Thus, he understands how she would fall for him. But I think what hurts even more is that it’s mutual - that even if he only saw them for that moment, if he went back to pretending to sleep, to trying to ignore them even as he had to sit and listen, he still saw in that moment that same tender intimacy we did. When you consider the version of Yeonggi Dieter has always known, he’s always been a little stand-off-ish, that as open and friendly as he comes across, there’s always been that distance. And to see this very different version of him, the two of them caught in this moment of closeness and shared space, of Nol closing the distance he so often keeps around him. If I were Dieter, I think I’d feel sick to my stomach lol just with the sheer ache of it. 

But I think what really has Dieter upset isn’t that he’s “just a friend” and it isn’t that his best friend seems to like the girl he likes and it’s mutual (we cannot forget the sting, that Nol has played wingman to Dieter from the get-go, that he sought every opportunity to help Shinae see something more in Dieter, that it was his every intention truly to draw them together), but rather, I think Dieter is upset about Nol hurting her. 

I was originally thinking last episode he was frustrated to see Nol back to the lies, but even Dieter saves face in this episode - and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that’s part of it, but I think it’s a lot more like.... he knows how hard Shinae is trying. He’s been the one who watched her fall apart, the mess that she became, he’s the one whose been consoling her when Nol continued to ghost them when he wouldn’t offer any explanation. He watched Shinae after they found Nol and sent him off, and the way she, too, took off. How she orchestrated this entire birthday party for him. Dieter is SO aware of HOW MUCH Shinae cares about Nol, the way she reaches out over and over, even though the version of him Dieter knew was a stand-offish girl who kept her guard up high. And despite how much she cares, despite how much she’s reached out, despite how much she’s anguished, Nol still hurts her. 

Again, don’t get me wrong. I fully understand Nol, and I especially understand how his growing feelings for Shinae are even scarier for him because of his circumstances - because of not only his past but the truth that everything Nol cares about has been used against him. But Dieter doesn’t know any of this. He just knows that Shinae cares so much about him, and that Nol cannot (or will not) open up, that for whatever reason, he still pushes her (and them) away. And every time he does, it’s him cleaning up the mess, picking up the pieces, offering comfort that doesn’t really put an end to the pain. 

And especially now that Dieter’s hopes are dashed, especially now that he sees something that has been under his nose the whole time, it feels a little more bitter, to be the one cleaning up those messes. Shinae wasn’t there to hear Nol’s apology, but she deserves to. 

I do think Nol feels regret about what he did - I think he acted out of his need for safety, so I don’t fault for him for it. What I do fault him for is that he is, essentially, playing with Shinae’s feelings, even if he doesn’t men to. He opens up a little, he draws into her a little, but he can’t follow through. And that’s fine! I get it! But she doesn’t. The least he can do is apologize. She probably won’t really understand why he doesn’t want her to see him like this, why it’s so hard for him, and how his weaknesses have always been used against him. But the least he can do is apologize to her face. I think he probably didn’t expect her to leave, either, because when he finally takes off the mask and there’s no one there, he just seems... idk, defeated? Like he expected it but maybe he had hoped JUST A TINY BIT? When he’s playing with Shinae’s headband the entire time he’s talking to Nana, fidgeting with it and doesn’t even realize what he’s doing. When he hangs his head when Dieter returns and reassures him that she’s okay. I think Nol is aware that he’s crossed a different line - that he’s hurt her in a different way. And I can’t blame her, either. Again, she as enjoying that moment so much, and I can’t imagine how much it hurt to realize how alone she was in what she was feeling, how he said he didn’t want to look, didn’t need to.

And I think we can infer that he wasn’t being entirely truthful. He had a literal mask on lol. Of course he must’ve wanted to see, but he couldn��t find the way to explain to her it was that he didn’t want to be seen like this. It’s just such a tragic situation all around, because I fully understand and empathize with everyone. If it was easy, there wouldn’t be a story. 

But I can’t help but feel with the three day extension, we’ll see something come of it. Now, again, we know my predictions are rarely right lol, but IDEALLY I’d like to see Nol approach her this time, because he seems to feel some kind of remorse, and I think he acknowledges that Dieter is lying (on Shinae’s behalf) based on the way he hung his head and the sweatdrop. I don’t know if he’s in the headspace or the mental place that he could, but I’d like to see him reach out, if ONLY to apologize that he’s idk what??? too broken to let her see his pieces? Too afraid to be that open? That it’s something he is incapable of doing right now? I don’t think it would solve anything lol I just think he owes it to her, you know? And as much as she’s been the one to reach out to him over and over, I think he owes it to her do to the same, to reassure her that even though it’s difficult for him, she’s still important, it’s just something he needs to work on. I just.... given his circumstances idk if he’s up to it, you know? In his mind, isn’t it better to push her away, safer? Isn’t it better to hurt her a little than for something worse to come?

But at the same time, the emphasis on his feelings remains really heavy. Like, LMAO my guy LITERALLY thought of Shinae and her mouth and just flustered so hard even Nana caught on LMAOOOOOOOOO. When Dieter returned, he hid!!! the bandana AND YET he didn’t even say hey what’s up welcome back or anything just immediately asked him if he bumped into her like. LKAJFKJAFJK MY GUY. PLS. PLS BE MORE OBVIOUS HUH? It’s funny because they are both so concerned about her, and Nol at least has the decency to hang his head, to feel bad that he’s hurt her yet again, after everything she’s done. 

Also, again, I just find it so... funny? Maybe in a sardonic way, that Nol is hiding the bandana, acting like he didn’t have a disagreement with Shinae that caused her to leave, but still!!!! Acknowledges it! By asking if he bumped into her!!!! He’s trying to downplay it but in the same breath bringing it up. 

So, I just can’t help but feel like they will meet again within the three days. Considering this is now December 22, that time extends to Christmas, and like... idk lol IT JUST FEELS LIKE SOMETHING, RIGHT? I think it would be utterly depressing to end on this note, before he goes away, right? Especially with everything that transpired this night - does Nol really intend to undo everything, to ghost them? I know I am naively hopeful but.... it just feels like there’s some emphasis there?

Of course, people have pointed out that Shinae is surrounded by exit signs, so maybe she will make that choice, but idk, she seemed so resigned to stick with him, to find another way to get through to him, and with that reoccurring emphasis on his feelings (I AM SORRY, I CANNOT GET OVER HIM PICTURING HER AND BLUSHING OVER HER MOUTH LIKE he literally pushed her away and hurt her again and he’s STILL getting flustered over her, she is STILL making a mess of him and SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IT) I wonder if we’ll get to see some kind of.... idk I don’t think they can fully resolve things but just leave on a better note? 

Alsonglthere’sthischeesypartofmethatislikegodwouldweactuallygetacheesychristmaskisswouldtheyreallykissbeforethetimeskipisthatpossible?! LKFJKAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJ LMAOOOO PLS i’m sorry I try to separate the shippy feels and my commentary BUT IT’S  JUST RIGHT THERE, ISN’T IT?! 

What I DO fully expect is a Nana and Shinae run-in, at long last. I feel like seeing Deter and Soushi leaving is so pointed, with Shinae remaining yet, and we’ve seen twice now Nana clocking his feelings. She knows that there’s another friend she hasn’t met, and she can probably tell based on that short exchange that something happened. Look, Nana is a headstrong woman and I think she’s done a great job of respecting Nol’s privacy, but if she goes out and finds Shinae, I won’t be surprised if she digs in a little, you know? I think, or maybe again this is just what I’d like to see, but I like the idea of Nana being aware that Nol is not an easy boy to be friends with. She knows how he walls himself off, how he shoves himself away. She especially knows that every time his birthday rolls around, he locks himself away, and this is the FIRST TIME he’s ever celebrated his birthday. If nothing else, I think Nana would like to say thank you, because it’s so hard to show Nol how much they care, because it’s so difficult to prove to him that their love is genuine. So many times she’s urged him to be with his friends, to spend time with people who care, so I think she would want to know the people who care so much about him as she does. It’s so hard to care about someone who pushes you away at every turn, but those kinds of people are important. 

I also think Nana would just like the kind of person Shinae is - how she’s someone who is so understanding and empathetic, and that even though she’s been hurt over and over, she still tries, she still cares. In the same way she needed a friend so persistent as Nol, he needs that, too, even if in a different way. I just feel like it would be so wonderful for Shinae’s efforts to be acknowledged, because again, it’s just so difficult, but all Nana has wanted is for him to be surrounded by people who care about him ;~; And even though Shinae has made up her mind and decided to stick with him, it would be reassuring to hear it from someone else who loves him and has struggled with being pushed away, who has had to pushback against his efforts to thwart her affection lol. 

Maybe it would be the encouragement Shinae needs, and maybe we’d get to see them make up before he leaves. I can hope, okay! I am nothing if full of pointless hope lmao ;~; I just want Nol to apologize! I don’t hope for too much more, because I understand what kind of place he’s in. But I just hope that the emphasis on his feelings is that realization that while he thinks it would be safer to push her away - does he REALLY want to? Does he really want to lose everything? He doesn’t know that Shinae has made up her mind to continue to get through to him, so the fear must exist at the back of his mind - that what if he pushes and one day she decides she’s had enough? Even if it’s what he thinks he wants, could he live with that? Could he bear to lose that? 

Something this arc has highlighted is just how much comfort Shinae brings to Nol, through how much she cares about him, through the ways she reaches out to him. Every time he tried to grow that distance between them, she reached out and he faltered. “That won’t stop me from caring.” In the end, he always caves. He always angles back to her, always returns to her. In the end, he continues to care, because of how much she has cared about him. 

Shinae showed him what it felt like to be noticed, to be cared about, to have someone reach out to him. Her persistence brought him a sense of peace he didn’t know possible. Before he realized why, he found himself letting his guard down - just a little. And I think he stands at that crossroad: that in his heart he feels like he should push her away and keep that distance, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to, because he wants to indulge in that. It scares him to care about her, because of the danger it puts her in, but I think likewise it scares him to push her away, and lose that. 

In this way, they are one and the same. After everything they went through, after all the ways they struggled together and she leaned on him, she doesn’t want to throw away those experiences. Even knowing that he had lied to her, even after feeling betrayal, even when he hurt her and tried to sever those ties, she still couldn’t bear to throw it away, would regret not trying, would regret letting him win. And I think that must be how he feels, too. How do you get a taste of that - of comfort and solace, of feeling those choppy waters calmed, of what it’s like to be cared about, for someone to make you feel special - and go back to what it was before? Doesn’t it hurt more, to have experienced that and have to turn away? 

It’s been such a short time, but their relationship is so profound. Anyone can see that. Dieter certainly does. I think Minhyuk is all too aware of it, even if he doesn’t understand it. I’m sure Nana is starting to get the sense of it, too. Can he really continue to turn his back, and to throw it all away to protect her? 

GODDDDD I TOLD YOU I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEEEELIIIIIIIIIIINGSSSSSSSSSS and I just feel like the three day extension Means Something. If not, he’d be going right to prison like he’s supposed to. Nana’s arrival, Shinae lingering, the freaking holidays approaching lmao IT MEANS SOMETHING!!!!!!!!

But before we get back to that aaahhhhhhh I’m so excited (and a little nervous) for Hansuke to run the tests he wants! I hope that this is a real friend he can trust, because LOOK his career is LITERALLY ont he line here, and I worry how many people Yui has in her pockets. It’s not just that Hansuke is running tests he was never given practice to do, but this is KOUSUKE HIRAHARA. Whatever they uncover could be HUGE news and if it was leaked back to Yui or they run their mouths..... ugh. I just feel nervous about this one and I’m dying for next week to roll around faster and see if I can put my nerves at ease. Hansuke is a sweet and trusting person, but because he knows how much rides on this, and how important this is to him, I hope that means this is a person who is safe. 

But there’s still the question of what do they do with whatever they find out? I have no doubts Yui is going to box Hansuke out, lest he be a reminder to Kousuke of what transpired that night, and also in effort to further make him reliant on her. And in that effort, I’m sure she’ll try to further play up what she started, paint Hansuke as seeing weakness in Kousuke, that he thinks something is wrong with him and that it doesn’t come from a good place. If Hansuke were to tell him the truth, would Kousuke even be able to see it for what it is, or fall for his mother’s set up and think Hansuke is trying to undermine him? How can they get through to Kousuke when Yui has such a tight hold on him? That’s the issue. 

I guess there’s an angle that if they do discover that Kousuke’s being drugged, is there a way they can expose it? But I can’t come up with any clever ideas, here. Supposing he’s being drugged, how do you cut him off? And even if you do, would he see the difference in himself? I doubt it - the entirety of the Christmas party we watched Kousuke spiral more and more as his paranoia was heightened, and I don’t think it changed that much. But I like to hope that whatever they discover, they CAN use it to help him - or at least start. Because just as with Nol, this isn’t something that can change over night, and Kousuke, too, needs someone at his side who is persistent in their efforts to reach them and get through. Hansuke is the ONLY person who really has Kousuke’s well-being in mind (let’s not pretend that Yujing cares that much; I’m sure she’s still into this for the scoop, for how it will play into her story. She has a journalistic dedication to the truth, after all). 

Every episode is just so FULL, there’s always so much to get into, so many feelings to dissect. I haven’t even touched on the continued insinuation that Rand might have a heart attack (although I do wonder if it was just a simple call back to Rand telling Nol he’s going to give him a heart attack, thus he’s so surprised~ it hasn’t happened). That one just..... ugh stresses me out because as shitty a father as Rand has been, without closure, it would be terrible for him to go, for Nol AND Kousuke. But also, Nol has already lost his mom, there’s already worry that he’ll lose Nana, he can’t lose all his living relatives, that’s just so depressing and dark (though what an interesting parallel to Rand who was an orphan himself and had no family). I just... I can’t fathom that one. I have to hope that if Rand does have a heart attack, it won’t be fatal, because Nol already carries the burden of guilt towards one parent, he can’t bear the weight of another one! 

(I also found the callback of Nana talking about breaking Nol’s legs back to Shinae saying something similar back in the day lol. Again, I can’t help but think they will get along SO well and that Nana will love her. Shinae, like Nana described Nessa, is also a really good and honest woman, with so much love and empathy, so spunky and tenacious. I’m not a huge fan of the “Nol is drawn to Shinae because she reminds him of his mother” theories because yelch especially as we see Nol’s feelings for Shinae developing, but I do like the idea that Shinae is the kind of girl Nana would be fond of, that she has the traits she tried to instill in her own daughter, and into Nol. That her goodness and pluckiness would stand out as something so special. We love strong, tenacious women!!!!!!!) 

Other things people have pointed out is how much orange is pervasive in this episode, but as we know, that’s not really my realm lmao. I just enjoy what others say about color and its use, and try to nod along lol. 

At any rate, this episode absolutely broke my heart in a number of ways, but that sense of hope just remains weirdly persistent, whether it’s just because i am a hopeful person who desperately wants it or because that sense of hope is really there, we’ll have to see next week. I just... idk I can’t help but feel like Nol’s three-day extension will be a benefit to them, that we were all set to think that their one step forward three steps back is how they’d go off. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes, and I feel like this might be one of those cases - expecting them to part on such sad terms and surprise, that might not be? 

AAAHHHHHHHHH WE’LL SEEEEEEE ;A; 

Also, hey, if you want to further rip your heart out: on Patreon, Quimchee posted this song as a song she’s had on repeat while working on this episode and initially I’d thought it might be Stalkyoo-related (the whole let you break my heart again) but in retrospect and after talking to @bittrbuttr it definitely feels like Dieter and ;~; MAN THAT HURTS ;~; SOME DAY YOU’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES YOU AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE HER, DIETER, I PROMISE ;~; YOU’RE A GOOD BEAN AND ONE DAY SOMEONE WILL SEE IT ;~; AAaaaahhhhhhh 

ALSO ONE LAST SILLY THOUGHT: I love how Nana also called him Nolan Oliver T. Lochlain? LIKE? DIDN’T SAY WHAT THE T IS. HE DIDN’T SAY WHAT THE T IS. WHAT IS THE T?! WHY DOES NO ONE SAY IT?! LMAO 

[trashlie]

in today’s sad stalkyoo feels, i am thinking about the hospital balcony scene and the ambiguous thought bubbles and the “you deserve better”

in which both Shinae and Nol believe that each other deserve better than themselves, and yet it is only Shinae who endeavors to be a better friend to Nol, where he decides to pull away from her because of his belief that he is no good for her and she deserves better than to waste her time on him

;_________; 

[trashlie]

!!! omg yes yes i’d love for you to write more about that!!!! and! the first post from you i saw about kousuke and how he subverts the trope of the ml??? it was SO GOOD!! and you got another ask that mentioned how people saw yeonggi as the happy go lucky character! it reminded me of this ask which is very long i sent to @somebody-909 😭 i was just gushingggg about secondary male leads bc i for some reason always end up rooting for them and how yeonggi has the vibes even though he’s a main character 😩 and also we talked about other characters like kyo but i forgot that tohru also had dealt with abuse from her own family so in the end it’s like. it’s a story about two survivors finding happiness etc etc 😔🥺 idk idk all of you guys who make analysis are so cool

I hope you don't mind me answering these two asks separately, because I just know if I didn't I would miss too many things, haha!

I'm not sure if I could write a very good analysis of Yeonggi subverting the secondlead trope, but I sure could try! I feel like it's a little more biased because I DO ship Stalkyoo, but I think I can try to work with it! I also remember seeing that ask (I was going through their blog the other day) and I really enjoyed it! Like you, I tend to favor secondary leads, which I think is also because I have a tendency to love the act of yearning and pining lmao and man second leads sure do pine a lot, right? Also because second leads often (though mercifully not always) have a tendency to hesitate and miss their timing or just plain don't act on their feelings, and it creates a big sense of what could have been, and I think when you are someone who favors underdogs, you really fall into that "what could have been" thing, right?

(I think there's also a conversation to be had about first vs second leads and traits of masculinity, but I am admittedly not well-versed enough to do this, but some general food for thought is: often in the case where I favored a first to a second lead, it's because the first lead evoked a lot of traits of masculinity that I don't care for? Jealousy, possessiveness, being cold and not showing their emotions esp compared to a second lead who was often portrayed as gentle with his heart on his sleeve, kind. In a lot of these cases, the second lead is often not favored by the majority of the audience because "he just feels like a friend" aka he lacks the masculine traits people think a man should have~ or blah blah blah. I wonder if this is still a prevalent thing these days? I tend to avoid love triangles so I'm not sure, but, it's something I would like to throw in if I talk about Nol subervting the second lead trope aaahhhhh now I'm just on a whole other tangent lmao)

Here's an embarrassing admission: in the past, when I was young, back in like, 2007 in my first year of college and I started reading Fruits Basket and I watched the original anime lmaooooo I actually really favored Yukki, because I'm a gross sucker for gentle prince types lmaoooo but as I've gotten older, being able to understand what made Kyo and Tohru work so well was really satisfying!

I've become really enamored with the idea of Nol and Shinae as mirrors to each other, able to help each other identify and work on the parts of them where they are weaker or struggle, and the idea of these two people coming from uneasy lives and finding comfort in the sanctuary they create together? WHOLESOME. I live for that shit. (I don't ever want it to read though like I want Shinae to "fix" Nol or anything like that - he has a lot of work to put himself, just like she has for herself, but I like the idea that as they become people who heal themselves, they help each other heal, too, in the ways that they reflect each other, if that makes sense?) Survivors creating their own sense of home, out of the mess that they've endured is.... AAHHHHHH satisfying! There's something so strong about survival, let alone finding comfort in the wreckage of all that tried to destroy you, isn't it? Shinae has been dealt a bad hand in life, lacked opportunities others had, was judged mercilessly without anyone getting to know her; the idea of her becoming a person who can face the world without feeling like she's ill-fit, without feeling like she's out of place, because she's finally learned her value? Hhhhhh I love it! And likewise, Nol being able to face his awful family knowing that he is more than they ever saw in him, that he was never the villain he was made to believe? PLS my heart!!!!!!!!

(You know, my first time I read ILY, before I realized it was deeper than the surface and than I gave it credit for, I was also convinced Nol was a second lead interest, simply based on the fact that so often characters like Kousuke are coded the first lead and that characters like Nol are there to make us sad lmao. I think that's what made writing the Kousuke analysis so easy for me! At one point I decided to a read where I did not view anything through a romantic lens - not even things like the hospital balcony scene or the wac hand holding - to try to judge just what else could be going on under the surface, that's when I started to realize that a lot of scenes are kind of kind of a couple things superimposed over each other. Kousuke and Nol look like they're competing for Shinae's favor when they each remove their jackets, but what does it REALLY mean. Ironically enough, reading without a romantic lens made me favor Nol and Stalkyoo EVEN MORE lmao because I was finally able to pay attention to the nuanced depth and character development, and the way their relationship progressed as she came to trust him and their friendship solidified really made the framework feel obvious. But the point is: like you I tend to favor second leads and I was already favoring Nol on the principle that he's so sad and I just wanted to see it all turn around for him for once lmaooooo)