#Not holding my breath tho LOL I might just invest too much time into this (like usual)

[shima-draws]

AUGUHHGH I want to stream an OP movie today for Luffy's birthday but I'm also still working on birthday art so.

If I get it done within a reasonable time I MIGHT stream something. Possibly maybe.

[deniigi]

my supervisor fucked me over with all my other coworkers present. can I request a one shot from you to cheer me up featuring Sammy?

Did I give y’all the fic about the hotpot?

Well if I didn’t, I’m giving it to you now.

Title: hotpot

Summary: Ganke checks the comments for the Blindspot comic daily and there’s this one asshole anon who keeps talking shit about BT.

--

The Blindspot comic went live in the fall and Ganke couldn’t stop checking the hit count every five seconds. All night there had only been ten hits.

He told himself not to be disappointed. The only person who really mattered had read and loved the comic.

Miles said that BT had even forced everyone on the team to read an abridged version of Journey to the West, and had gone as far as to make a quiz to determine everyone’s character.

Miles refused to disclose who he’d gotten.

BT had clearly rigged the game to make himself Sun Wukong and Ganke was proud of him.

That kind of enthusiasm was exactly what he’d been hoping for, anything else now was just icing on the cake.

Even though it would be cool if it wasn’t just BT reading his own comics.

That would be pretty cool, right? Like. If people online all started reading BT’s comic. That would be sort of amazing.

Kind of excellent.

Definitely worthy of an A+ and double pats on the back.

Right?

The hit counter didn’t think so. But hey, five more people had opened the page since last night. That was something, wasn’t it?

 MM: dude why not just ask Sam to tweet out the link?

 How dare you, Miles Morales.

How dare you waltz into this place with logical thought.

GL: I can’t do that. That’s like. Idk. Inflating the views.

MM: okay yeah explain to me how appealing to the person in control of the largest part of his own fandom is inflating the views

GL: I see your logic and I’m banishing it

MM: I’m messaging him

GL: DON’T

MM: too late

MM: he says ‘gimme link’

GL: asdksjsjdks

--

 @blindspot: hi I know y’all can’t get enough of me to the point of asking shockingly invasive questions and for you I say good news! Some amazing folks have gone through the trouble of making a Blindspot comic. it’s good guys check it out [link]

--

 It helped.

A lot.

It helped a lot.

--

 People, on the whole, had great things to say. The panels were screenshotted and tagged and sent all over social media and even though Miles was pretending to be chill and aloof about the whole thing, Ganke could imagine him smiling big and bright and white at his phone non-stop.

Mom and Auntie saw a few of the bits on Twitter and tittered over them in the kitchen like pigeons.

The pride rose like a wave. Ganke kept waiting for the crash.

--

 It came two days later in the form of a comment that read ‘Christ, look at all this fuss. BT is fine. I hate his brother.’

It felt like someone punching the wind out of Ganke’s lungs.

He took comfort in the handful of people who leapt in to shout down the commenter. They emphasized that if the anonymous commenter didn’t like the story or the characters, then they didn’t have to read it and they, especially, didn’t have to say anything about it.

Ganke appreciated those guys. He got the feeling that a lot of the people on there knew that the whole thing had been done but a couple of kids.

Not that Anon cared.

Anon replied to all these comments ‘No, I’m gonna keep reading, thanks. Anyways, the brother is lame. The smart part is cool, but why’s it always gotta be a guy?’

The part that haunted Ganke even after he’d shut his laptop and had gone to stick his head out the window for some big breaths of cleansing air was that Anon was kind of right.

--

 GL: should we have made Guotin’s brother a sister?

MM: no

GL: why not?

MM: cause BT’s always wanted a brother

 Oh.

Okay. Then it was fine?

 MM: yeah man ignore them. it’s chill.

GL: k thanks my ego is huge and fragile

MM: trust me I know

 Asshole. Fine, moving right along.

--

 It didn’t stop. Anon commented on every page. Every. Single. Page.

Ganke didn’t know what to do or say. On the one hand, clearly this person was dedicated and deeply engaged with the comic, on the other hand, they needed a Rude Alert button. Ganke wondered if Ned could code one for them and them only.

The latest of their fury was directed at the big reveal in the second issue—BT’s face.

Having now met Sam, BT, Blindspot, Ganke’s whole image of him had changed.

He was not conventionally attractive as far as like, K-Pop idols and famous Chinese dudes went. His eyes were puffy and narrow and his face was round everywhere but the jaw. He leaned more towards ‘cute’ than ‘sexy,’ which Ganke sort of loved about him.

He was friendly. Stressed and grumpy and feisty as hell, yeah, but first and foremost friendly.

Miles claimed that he called it his ‘number one asset in employability.’ Which was wild because hello, Blindspot.

Obviously, BT couldn’t help his face. But Miles and Ganke could help Guotin’s.

Ganke had sent Miles about fifteen different images of Chinese celebrities and had told him to do his worst. They’d reviewed the final few drafts and had picked one that was most like a young Chen Kun. His face was more oval-shaped than BT’s. His chin and lips were slimmer but more defined. He was pretty, but not so pretty as to be called ‘feminine,’ which Ganke thought was a solid compromise between ‘handsome as sin’ and ‘looks like he’s got a quirky sense of humor.’

Anon hated him.

Anon thought that he looked like an idol, and they were not here for it.

They told ‘the artist’ to give him a mole or something, anything to make him look ‘less pristine. God, I can smell him from here and he smells like Dior and staph habitat.’

Ganke had to look up what a staph infection was. He regretted it. He asked Miles if they should censor Anon.

Miles said ‘mmmmm, idk it’s not like they aren’t saying anything that isn’t true.’

Ganke resented that. Clearly this was defamation of BT. This person hated him and was taking their feeling out on the comic.

 MM: I mean yeah but it’s not like they’re talking about the comic, man. They’re talking about the style and like, thinking about it, a mole or smth to help you tell him apart from other folks would kind of be helpful. Like, especially if we ever put him in a crowd, you know?

 HHHHHH.

Fine.

Anon could stay. But they were on thin ice.

--

 It was hard not to be bitter about Anon’s comments, especially when they arrived daily, as though Anon knew exactly what they were doing and which page they’d left off at. They couldn’t possibly be reading the comic one page at a time, this was intentional.

Ganke’s jaw hurt from all the tooth grinding he’d endured as of late.

This latest one read ‘yo, has BT ever mentioned fighting with a sword? I don’t recall him mentioning. Someone should take that thing away from him before someone loses an eye—or maybe even two.’

That felt like a pointed jibe.

That turned the churning irritation in Ganke’s gut into something much, much colder.

Did Anon know about BT’s black and blue eyes? How could they know? Was it a coincidence? It seemed to be more than a coincidence.

The pile of critiques was growing bigger and bigger, and now that Ganke thought about it, they all seemed to take issue with things that didn’t match the real Blindspot’s personality.

It was as if they knew him.

 GL: miles did you read the new comment from AnonTheAsshole?

MM: lol yeah

GL: tell me if I’m talking out my ass or whatever but like

GL: you don’t think they could be Muse, could they?

 Silence.

 MM: oh no

 Yeah. Fuck.

 MM: chances are low.

GL: they know so much tho??

MM: might be stalker? Maybe someone who’s over-invested in BT’s social media pages?

GL: maybe.

MM: hold on let me ask Spidey to screen it

GL: does he know Muse?

MM: no, but he’s paranoid and he’ll get Wade to be paranoid with him, and then they can decide whether its worth giving to DD for verification. He knows Muse.

 Ganke’s head was spinning. His fingers shook with guilt and the thought of Muse’s pale body hunched over a secret, cracked cell phone in a high security prison who knew where.

In Ganke’s head, he smiled wider and wider, until the skin on his cheeks cracked. He dug out scraps of paper and redrew Blindspot—Sam—with gaping holes for eyes and a screaming mouth and he drew dismembered corpses in black lakes and he laughed.

He just kept laughing.

 MM: hey ganke

MM: it’s going to be okay. It’s just a comic. I’m sure AnonTheAsshole is a stalker. They’re not threatening anyone.

MM: Sam can deal with a stalker. And we can too, okay?

 There was a reason that Miles was a hero. Ganke wiped at his eyes and swallowed.

 GL: okay. Thanks for doing that.

MM: 👍🏾

--

 It took a few hours because Spidey and Deadpool had lives outside of being Spidey and Deadpool, but not so long that Ganke ran out of nails to chew.

Miles messaged him back and said that Spidey had read through everything and ‘escalated it.’ This meant that whatever he’d seen had caused him enough concern to take it to DP.

Miles said that he’d get back to Ganke with DP’s verdict as soon as he had it. In the meantime, he’d run the comments by the other Spideypeople and they thought that it most likely wasn’t malevolent but was maybe something to keep an eye on in the meantime. He tacked onto all, somewhat stiltedly, that he had a weird feeling all of the sudden. The pink Spidey’s tone had changed. She’d shut down and gone cagey, which allegedly wasn’t like her at all. Then she’d told the taller guy to DM her and they’d vanished from the chat. Miles wasn’t sure what was going on there or if maybe they knew something about stuff going on that he didn’t, but he wasn’t super comfortable with it.

 GL: crossing my fingers its nothing?

MM: same man, same.

--

 DP escalated it.

Ganke couldn’t stay still in his room. There was no comfortable place to sit or stand or lay. There was nothing to do that would make him stop thinking about everything.

 MM: It’s gonna be fine, man, DD always knows what to do.

 Miles kept saying that for every step of the way, and yet here they were. Double escalated. Ganke wasn’t so sure he even knew what was happening anymore.

That was scary. Miles was supposed to be part of the in-crowd.

 MM: Wade doesn’t think it’s anything that can’t be nipped in the bud.

 That was easy for a contract assassin to say, wasn’t it?

 MM: he says that you and I are fine. Doesn’t see any links there. Waiting on DD for confirmation of tone.

 Hurry up, Daredevil. Your apprentice’s life might be about to take a nosedive into a heap of trash.

--

 Two hours. One text.

 MM: >:/

 Ganke couldn’t contain the bubble of laughter.

 GL: good news?

MM: [image]

 He opened it.

 SC: HANNAH YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. STOP BEING A BITCH ON MAIN

HC: You can’t tell me what to do

SC: I CAN

HC: Mom he’s being MEAN

SC: Mom she’s scaring children online

HC: I scare children everywhere I go why are these ones special???

SC: Because I said so

HC: that doesn’t fucking work Samuel you’re not her

SC: I am your older brother

SC: your ELDEST brother

HC: YOU AINT SHIT

SC: THEY DON’T COUNT

SC: HALFSIES COUNT

 What.

 MM: so.

MM: she’s not Muse.

MM: Red’s laughing his ass off at all of us for taking this to a level three

GL: wait I don’t understand

MM: Hannah is Sam’s little sister. She’s found a new hobby in our website.

 Blindspot’s little sister was reading the comic??? Holy shit.

 GL: she hates him?

MM: no I’ve been informed that they would literally commit murder for each other but this is how they express love.

 No way. Siblings were wild.

 GL: so we’re good?

MM: [image]

  SC: apologize 🔪

HC: eat my ass

SC: apologize or else

HC: or else what? You gonna come in here and sit on me? Huh? Huh????

SC: I know your email password. All 3 you cycle through. What was his name? Uuuuuuuuuh Jing?

HC: you fucking bastard

SC: Hi Jing, it’s me, Hannah. I’ve been in mad crush with you since sophomore year. Please notice me senpai 😖

HC: Die

SC: kill me

HC: I will.

 The giggles that came this time were a mix of relief and genuine intrigue. This lady read the comic every day. She took the time to scroll through pictures of her brother being an absolute lunatic and fighting with a huge monkey. Then she hopped into that comment box and took him—not Miles, not Ganke, specifically Blindspot--down a peg.

She must miss him a lot. Ganke wondered if this was her way of keeping him in her thoughts.

 MM: I don’t think we’re getting a sorry, man. DD says Sam’s been at this all morning and has been tricked into apologizing himself twice

GL: so you’re saying that she’s an evil genius

MM: idk but she’s def Sam’s main nemesis. I always thought that older siblings got like, rights or something over younger ones, but idk anymore. Angel says this is normal.

GL: do you think she misses him?

 Miles took a long time to respond.

 MM: yeah

 Yeah, Ganke thought so, too.

 GL: should we change Guo tin’s brother’s name to ‘hamish?’

MM: ASDLDSDSFKdsjf

MM: one moment.

MM: sam says yes. Hannah says that she thinks our comic is shit and we need to draw everything uglier

GL: she’s kind of funny

MM: 👀perhaps she would like to be a consultant?

GL: 👀👀👀👀

MM: brb asking

MM: sam says no. Hannah says she’s got better things to do than proofread comics on the internet. She’s also not sorry. She wants that to be clear. DD says that the conversation has moved from English to Chinese and to maybe duck and cover for now. He says all is good tho. Thanks for checking in.

MM: Muse doesn’t use punctuation and talks in riddles, so if we get any of that, we’re supposed to send it to DP right away.

 Oh, nice. That was a relief.

 MM: oh

MM: sam wants to put us in a chat. Can I give him your number?

 Uh, only if he wanted Ganke to hyperventilate.

 GL: sure

 --

  [GL has been added to a Secure Chat]

 It was a page of characters and emojis that were somehow more menacing than Ganke had ever seen them before. Miles popped a little waving hand into the fray, as though testing the waters, but the characters just carried on scrawling around it.

Ganke wasn’t quite sure what to do.

 GL: hi? Are y’all okay?

 There was finally a pause. Then a few shorter lines of characters. And then finally, Blindspot switched from Chinese to English.

 SC: yes we’re FINE. We’re GREAT. Aren’t we, sibling from hell?

HC: who’re you? Why are you in our family chat? This is a family only zone, can’t you read?

SC: God Hannah he’s Korean don’t be a dick

HC: I can’t not be I learned it from you

SC: fair but pretend in the face of company

HC: okay fine. Hello losers.

MM: adksadfadsdfldfsldf

MM: hi

GL: hi?

SC: go on

HC: UGH

HC: fine

HC: I didn’t mean to shit talk your creation. Only my brother.

SC: also a sin, we’ll get to that later

HC: no one cares about you Samuel, stop spreading lies

SC: you first. We both know this is no lie, my white dad cares about me a whole lot

HC: well we can’t all have white dads now can we

SC: don’t be jealous

MM: lol you really call Matt your white dad??

HC: who is this person and how do they know our mutual parent’s name?

SC: this is not a mutual parent situation how many times have we been through this. He’s mine. Get your own.

MM: hi! 👋🏾I’m Bitsy! Spidey no. 4

GL: I’m his friend. He draws the comic. I write it.

HC: oh. nerd children x2

HC: anyways yeah Matt is our dad

SC: ffs

MM: he’s sort of dadly ig.

HC: ?? oho

SC: mind your face. Think about your face. Think about how much you like your face.

HC: little spider, did you not hear?

SC: kay everyone out. We’re done here

MM: hear what?

HC: lol Sammy you didn’t tell them about how Matthew Mcconaughey adopted you in all ways but paperwork?

 Ganke held his phone away from his face as far as it would go.

 MM: …wait are you for real?

SC: no. okay out.

HC: awwww Sammy so shy now. What are you embarrassed about? It’s cute.

SC: Hannah literally shut up I’m not playing

HC: damn okay sorry

MM: can I be honest?

SC: no

MM: I’m going to be anyways: I think we all sorta knew.

SC: …

HC: right?

SC: what does that even mean?

MM: idk, it just felt right, you know? You two are always fussing at each other and red lost his shit that time you got shot. He doesn’t treat you the way he treats the rest of us and we’re his teammates. He doesn’t even treat spidey like he treats you. So like, yeah. It fits.

MM: I’m really happy for you guys.

MM: is there a reason it’s a secret?

 Ganke eased himself back down onto the mattress. This was real. This was like, actual, real information. Something that he and like, four other people in the world now knew.

He kind of wanted to forget it. It didn’t feel right to know.

 SC: I dunno.

HC: if sam has an honest emotion towards anything he has to calculate its weight so he can make space for it in his collection of satellites.

MM: wh

SC: you’re so not funny.

HC: it’s called emotional repression, darling. It’s all the rage in this family.  

MM: oh

MM: so that’s why you and Red get on so well

SC: HHHHHHH

HC: HA

SC: okay but listen his is different, I’ve only seen him cry at his wedding. I cry at least 4 times a week. Obviously under the bed, but that can’t be emotional repression. That’s expression. That’s clearly expression

HC: I can make the old man cry watch me

SC: please don’t I’ll die

MM: awwwww

SC: shut up it doesn’t even matter.

MM: AWWWWWW

SC: LEAVE ALREADY

MM: no I like it here. I want to hear you talk about how much you love your white dad

SC: I don’t. He loves me. I’m fine with this because it results in food, shelter, and continued employment.

HC: uh huh

SC: I’m using him

HC: yeah because you’re like the most manipulative person I know.

SC: thank you

HC: /sarcasm

SC: I know I ignored it.

MM: so wait why do you actually pretend like you hate him tho?

SC: wh

SC: what the fuck am I supposed to do? Just go on up for a cuddle? Have you met Matt? The second someone starts crying, he finds trash to take out to the bins. Hell no. Life is easier for everyone if I stab him with a stick and he kicks my ass in training. It’s fine.

HC: Sam is learning how to be a Manly Man. This is step one.

SC: I’m plenty manly

HC: you’re what mom imagined as manly

SC: which is perfect. That’s all I need.

HC: mama’s boy

SC: must suck to suck, no one’s kid.

 Wow. Ganke had never been more glad that he didn’t have a sister.

 GL: That’s kind of cool, though.

GL: that you and DD are close like that I mean.

GL: Its different from all the other mentor/mentee superheroes we see who like, sort of hate each other.

SC: wh

SC: OH. you mean Peter and Kate. Peter doesn’t actually hate Stark, fyi. And Kate calls Hawkeye the Old bi-weekly to make sure he’s still breathing. It’s actually pretty normal.

MM: he doesn’t mean like that Sam. I mean, like those guys don’t associate with their Olds now that they’re grown up and stuff, but you and DD stick together. It’s like you’re family.

MM: and that’s super cool. Idk if Spidey would ever consider me family. I don’t think he wants that for us.

SC: I?

SC: oh shit

HC: CLARITY ON THIS FINE DAY. What was your name again, tiny spider?

MM: miles

HC: PRAISE BE TO MILES

HC: AN EMOTION WAS HAD

SC: get fucked

HC: An epiphany was obtained!

SC: would you shut up

HC: Something has finally permeated that non-porous, two-inch thick skull of my esteemed eldest brother

SC: I’m your only brother

HC: you’re not

SC: they don’t fucking count

HC: now will you FINALLY invite our mutual dad to hotpot?

SC: Hannah he doesn’t want to come to hot pot we’ve talked about this. it’s too spicy for him.

HC: I’ll make it 1/3 less spicy

SC: that’s still too spicy

HC: I’ll make it 2/5 less spicy

SC: 3/5

HC: listen

HC: I have all this fucking equipment that SOMEONE left here callously

MM: what’s hotpot?

SC: 👀

HC: 👀

GL: 👀

SC: well fuck

HC: EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

GL: have we never taken you with us for hotpot???

MM: no?? is this the sticks?

HC: can be. Where do you live?

SC: Hannah no

HC: Hannah yes. We’ll make one here. You’ll make one there.

SC: do you know how much shit I’ll have to buy? Where are we gonna put it?

HC: this wouldn’t be a problem if you’d taken your goddamn inheritance with you to SF

SC: HHHHHH

MM: you guys are actually being serious?

HC: I am. I am here all on my lonesome. Abandoned by my only kin. I require enrichment.

SC: try doing your fucking homework

HC: did anyone hear something?

MM: lololololol I like you

HC: 😊

SC: wh

SC: oh no. No no no.

SC: you two don’t get to be friends

HC: come here bb pspspspspspsps

MM: I’m here

HC: got ‘im. Let’s have hotpot. Sammy send me resippy. We’ll do it together over video so I don’t fuck it up.

SC: I’ve got to go. This has been traumatizing.

HC: byeeeeeeeeeeee

HC: is he gone? Hell yeah, he’s gone.

HC: hey thanks for making that comic thing. It’s hella rad. He loves it. Mom used to call him Monkey when he was little.

GL: omg aw

HC: ikr? P cute. He misses her a lot so I think it brought back good memories. Anyways, I’m actually going to make hotpot. Come over and have some with me, it’s more fun with more people.

MM: you’re not joking

HC: nope, it’s been ages since your whole team has gotten together, right? Ask them to do it. I’m a shit cook, but Sam’ll show us how not to screw it up. And he’s playin’, he’s totally down to hang out with us. We never had more than three people. It’ll be new. Exciting. Enriching even.

MM: are you secretly a nice person, Hannah?

HC: the fuck do you mean ‘secret’??? I’m a delight.

MM: Okay I’ll ask the team and my mom

MM: ganke?

HC: 👀

 That—

Sounded kind of nice?

 GL: I’ll ask my mom.

HC: nice. You can tell them that it’s a friends dinner or whatever. Idc. I promise I’m not going to kidnap and murder you. I’ve got like, class and work and shit. I don’t have time for that.

MM: 👍🏾

GL: 👍🏼

HC: great here I’ll message you my number. This is legit our sibs chat so Sam’ll freak if you’re still here when he gets back.

MM: thank you! And sorry for thinking you were muse!!

GL: yeah that too

HC: lol np ttyl                                    

 That…had really just happened, hadn’t it?

Ganke needed to sit down even though he was already sitting down.

 GL: they’re so nice???

MM: ikr?

GL: are you actually going to ask your mom?

MM: Im gonna ask BT if its cool first. Then yeah. Why not? Our team really hasn’t gotten together in a minute. Everyone’s been super busy. It would be a nice change of pace, and if everyone brings smth then Hannah doesn’t have to pay for anything.

MM: ah, Sam says it’s okay. He says sorry his sister is weird and that he’ll make sure she doesn’t poison us.

GL: I kind of love her

MM: same

MM: okay will check in with the others. Talk to you later.

GL: yeah see you later

 Damn, at this rate, Ganke’s family was going to triple in size, and all thanks to a comic.

Before he left for downstairs, he made a note to make Guo tin’s brother snarkier.

[eohachu]

Post pictures of your first ever (fictional/celeb) crush to the latest one and tag five others to continue the game.

Ali tagged me, thanks. I guess 😘 @lanzhansmiles​

A’ight so I’m simply taking this as an opportunity to show off my frankly impeccable taste 😌 *coughs into the crook of my elbow with my mask on and from a safe distance* More under the cut, godspeed!

I’m tagging uhh I really don’t want to expose anyone but uh. @morifinwes​ @ttaechwita​ @sunshine304​ @treemaidengeek​ @flamingwell​ no pressure tho!!

Since 2006

Janina Fautz: Die Wilden Kerle, anyone?? Tbh i had a crush on quite a lot of the characters/actors but in hindsight Janina was and is the most influential one. Also probably my first ever girl crush (again, in hindsight bc it took me until 3 years ago to finally find out i’m queer lol)

Eva-Maria May: Yeah well I’m not gonna talk about where I know her from let’s say it was an incredibly bad soap opera my mom used to watch. She was one of the reasons why I went Yeah I Have Always Been Into Girls. I was pretty obsessed with her to the point where mini me secretly printed out a photo of her to look at lmaooo the signs have always been there and it’s truly amazing how I had been missing them for years

Amy Adams: Her as Amelia Earhart in Night at the Museum was also definitely a huge Thing to young me. Again, I had been completely oblivious about this crush for years

David Luiz: HAH! This is the point where we do NOT get into my football/soccer crushes bc this list would get WAYYY too long hahaha. I had to cut loads of people from my list for this post bc I develop a new celebrity crush every 5 minutes basically but yeah. David Luiz was definitely my biggest football/soccer crush out of..... everyone else

M*rvel

I don’t have a lot to say about any of them since I’m not into m*rvel anymore TFATWS makes me want to stick the tip of my toe back into m*rvel waters but otherwise NO THANKS

Sebastian Stan was, if my judgement of my archive is right, the longest highkey celebrity crush I’ve ever had. Mostly because I love Bucky a lot and he was so amazing in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I must’ve had a crush on him for as long as I had been in the m*rvel fandom

Recent Past

some celeb crushes from last year that were all more or less short-lived tbh

Ester Expósito: As it often goes I didn’t find her spectacular in the beginning but as Élite went on I started to develop a huge crush on her. I still find her pretty hot but I’m not invested in Élite so yeah..... I have no object permanence

Mina El Hammani: Got to know her through Élite, too. She’s so incredibly beautiful. Had a hard time choosing a photo of her bc I’d stare at every single one for ages. Wow.

Danger Days!Gerard Way: Hah! The ones of you who’ve been following me for longer might remember my posts about wanting to dye my hair neon red. Well, him’s the reason and also clinical depression. Ended up with natural red/ginger bc my hair is too thin for bleaching lel. ANYWAY

Maxence Danet Fauvel: Pretty short-lived crush from my Skam days

Ramy Moharam Fouad: So Ramy has a brother, Tamino-Amir Moharam Fouad, who makes INCREDIBLE music. Ramy made some of his music videos (directed them? not sure), that’s how he came to my attention. Idk man he’s just so incredibly beautiful.... gives me a hint of genvy, too......

Janelle Monáe: Became a fan when Make Me Feel came out, listened to the entire album for days and eventually inevitably crushed on her

Lera Abova: Saw her in ANИА and fell in love. I screamed to my friends for weeks about how she was the most beautiful human being I’d ever seen etc etc. Eventually my crush went away mostly, but I still think she’s stunning

Keiynan Lonsdale: Keiynan said FUCK gender and I said 😍😍😍 and that’s all you need to know.

Current

*deep breath* alright let’s gooo

Bright (Wachirawit Chivaaree): Crushed on him for as long as I watched 2gether/Still 2gether lmao. I still like him a lot and sometimes lose my mind over him but I’m not exceptionally Thirsty™

Tul (Pakorn Thanasrivanitchai) and Max (Nattapol Diloknawarit): If you search either of them on tumblr you will have to scroll for a long, long time to find seperate photos of them. However, I’m not patient enough so here we are. Re: Tul, actually I want to copy/paste what Ali said bc DAMN a man who is confident about his masculinity and sexuality really is kinda hot. Same goes for Max tbh. Also Max’ lips look so soft I [redacted]

Lukas von Horbatschewsky: Also known as Lukas Alexander. He did an amazing job in Druck and he’s just a person I admire in general. As one of the few out trans actors in Germany, he had a main role as a trans boy in Druck and also co-wrote Druck’s seasons 5 and 6. He’s just a huge role model to me and, apart from that, Big Crush Material (h i s  e y e s)

Li Wei: Someone suggested him as Hua Cheng for the TGCF live action and my life hasn’t been the same since. While I’m open for whoever will get that role in the end, I could look at his face for hours and not get bored. Major Genvy, too.

Li BoWen and Liu HaiKuan: I will have to deal with these two in one paragraph bc LanLan bc they have the exact same effect on me which is. that they’re not 100% my type but I WILL go absolutely feral about them at regular intervals, if you know what I mean

Song JiYang: ohh honey. oh honey.......... hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I have a natural affinity for aquarius ppl and this one lives in my heart rent free. I’d even make him soup if he’d ask.

Wang YiBo: WELL HOLY SHIT. listen. LISTEN! the hype around him is 100% justified imo he really is That Bitch and I love him so so much for it. Fucking ICON

Honorary Mentions: Gender Envy

Here’s to the People I Thought I Had A Crush On But Not Quite until I learned the word Gender Envy:

Zhu YiLong: Man, this is the person who’s mainly responsible for me finding out AT ALL about not being entirely cis. The POWER he holds!!! His performance as Ye Zun in Guardian was like a breakthrough point for me which. certain people witnessed in real time hahaha oh I love this fandom!!

Zhu ZanJin: HIM. AAAH!! He’s literally so beautiful and whenever I see him I just go ZANZAN!! in my head and in the tags bc. well. hIM.

Xiao Zhan With Long Hair: Look, Xiao Zhan is always amazing but BLESS the person who made these manips. I can finally rest.

Wang YiBo: uhh what’s he doing here again?? Tbh YiBo is one of the few, if not the only person that gives me Major Gender Envy that I would also [redacted] if they asked. Do I want to be him or be with him? The answer is Yes.

I skipped the fictional characters bc I tend not to crush on them 👉👈 Instead I will just directly crush on the actors/actresses lol!

Thank you for bearing with me. As a prize, you can choose between a ladder supported forehead kiss, or a bowl of homemade soup. ❤

[420pogpills]

( just sending it again if u wanna answer it!)

Omg I want to talk to you about the final lore stream!!i'm honestly so happy how it turned out in the end!! I wasn't personally happy about the whole techno and dream teaming up that time but the finale was SO satisfying omg!!! I loved it!! If dream wrote the finale script then good on him! as a villian he still wrote himself "losing"... for the moment. which I was sceptical that would be the case since I thought Tommy or tubbo... or both, would die and dream would win since he seems like the type who would like winning and having the upper hand constantly lol but his acting and writing skills are truly so good rn. Kinda...hot if I may say so🥵

I actually wasn't into the lore from the beginning, I originally got into the lore the stream George got the kingship when he was building his cottage lol. I got into it in hopes George will have a bigger role in the lore and that knight dream x king George was such a yummy trope to me😭. But alas George got dethroned and didn't participate in the lore at all but by then I already have gotten lowkey invested in Tommy's "potential" exile and it all went downhill for me and got fully into the lore lol. My favourite part was Tommy's and Techno'd team up and their brotherly like relationship. I also enjoyed Tommy's and dreams interactions it was interesting and their friendship is so funny to me. Tommy loves to tease dream about George even in lore streams lmao.

I found it so funny and extremely grateful tbh that when Dream messaged Techno on twitter about needing that favour now when he was cornered and Techno was like "sorry can't im busy" LMAO like wbk that Techno cares for Tommy even if they fought. Peak siblings. I really wish in the future  to get more Techno and Tommy streams because they're so entertaining.Tommy is that annoying little brother to the big brother Techno haha. I saw some people say c!techno does not care of c!Tommy and idk man I think techno does care for Tommy but as we have seen techno is not good at expressing his feelings very well...lol kinda like Tommy. He shows his appreciation through loyalty and protection it seems. I just really love technos character so much I hope the next "season plot" won't ruin his character development.

I've seen also people say that Techno still owes Dream that favour and Dream will use it so Techno will kill Tommy or something like that.... bruh... I sure hope not. What do you think?? -🌰

god sorry for taking so damn long to get around to this! :’))) putting this under so it’s not such a long post

that finale was amazing indeed!!! i actually wasn’t expecting it, and there were still certain people there that i did not trust (mainly like punz and maybe sapnap) but now that we’ve gotten several prison streams, i guess everyone did actually turn against dream! when he went off with sam (and was it sapnap as well, or someone else omg i can’t even remember now) i thought omg what if the next lore stream someone turns up at the prison and he isn’t there? but he is so i guess yeah :P

i agree i really loved tommy’s exile arc because him and techno had such a great vibe! it was hilarious but also comforting because techno pretends like he can’t stand tommy but you know he cared for him for sure :’) and i think tommy turning against him actually hurt him real bad :(

and i loved that we got to see so much of dream too since he came to visit him almost everyday. we got to see incredible character development during the exile arc for dream, i feel like that’s when people seriously started to realise like okaaaaay dream is bAAAAAAd 

i don’t know if i’d say techno’s character is in the right place morally but i feel like everyone on the smp has their own ideas of what’s right and what’s necessary, and a lot of them mix it up with what they want. take tommy with his discs as an example. he was willing to risk his own AND tubbo’s life just to get the discs back and it’s like?? i know they mean a lot but how can they mean more than yourself and your best friend??? how is it worth it?? i mean alls well that ends well, but it could’ve ended way worse had everyone not come to help. he literally would’ve watched tubbo die in front of him just because he had to go and fight for these discs :( i mean dream probably would’ve eventually lured him in, i think his goal was always to kill tubbo to hurt tommy.. but sTILL tommy was very fixated on those discs :’)

i don’t see dream using that favour for techno to kill tommy i dunno, i don’t think he would. i think it’s possible he’ll use the favour to either break him out or do some sort of something to help him break out, but i’m not sure! i’m excited to see tho, lore has been very egg-centred lately so it’s gonna be interesting to see how the lore progresses. i’m not holding my breath but i pRAAAAY we get to see george or sapnap visit dream in prison. george is unlikely but sapnap is quite likely i’d say! and c!dream hasn’t mentioned george in ages since george hasn’t been involved in the lore and stuff, i wonder if him mentioning him recently was potential indication that he might dip his toes in again?? also the fact that they went to see the egg during george’s stream hmmmm 

[kopikokun]

Ship w/ nct? I'm introverted, shy, & awkward. If I open up, I'm funny/silly. Very affectionate; If you're comfortable with it too, I lean into you, have my hand on your thigh, or playfully slap your butt. Kind to everyone & put everyone before myself. In love w/ music (I love a little bit of all genres). Also love watching movies & dramas, but I have a dorky side too & I play video games. Physically: long thick black hair, big brown eyes, small boopable nose, & chubby cheeks. 5'5 & 99 liner. 💞

hello baby!! for some reason, this was pretty instant (although i did have second thoughts when you said you like gaming) but i’d ship you with taeil!

— BEFORE DATING.

> taeil thinks you’re endearing esp since you’re younger than him

> when he looks at you, he just wants to protect you and make you feel safe 🥺🥺

> at the beginning, he thought that you were just this insanely cute little baby he had to protect, and he’d never imagined that he’d start to harbour any romantic feelings towards you

> he felt like he’d be tainting your innocence if he started to like you (???)

> but once you began opening up to him and the others?

> wow, was he stunned.

> you turned out to be a very energetic and funny person

> you sort of made a fool of yourself at times, but you always managed to make him laugh

> in short, he had a lot of fun with you

> and he started to see you in a different light

> you were no longer just a sweet innocent naive little girl he wanted to protect from the outside world

> no, you had become a woman in his eyes

> and a really beautiful woman at that

> taeil could never look at you the same way again

> soon, he started to notice all the subtle little details about you

> he felt a little bad that he liked you at first

> and lowkey, he tried to deny it

> but when you started to become more touchy?

> oh my god, it just cemented the fact that taeil really likes you

> first, it was just leaning into him during movie nights, and he thought nothing of it (although he held his breath for a solid twenty seconds at first lol)

> and then gradually you were linking his arm with yours, leaning your head on his shoulder, lying down on his lap

> and one night, (again, during a movie night) when you just nonchalantly rested your hand on his thigh like it was nothing,

> he went INSANE

> obv he couldn’t show it

> but trust me, if you had asked him what the movie was about

> he would have absolutely no idea

> and when you were like, ‘oh sorry, am i making you uncomfortable?’ and pulled your hand away, taeil just put his hand over yours and was like ‘no, uh, it’s okay. keep it there’ and he was feelin a little brave that night, and kept his hand on yours the whole time 🥰

> and that one time you playfully slapped his butt?

> man could not think straight for a whole day

> like, he actually thinks you’re flirting with him bcs he didn’t think that’s how you just normally are

> so, that’s why he’s confident enough to confess to you out of the blue

— DATING MOON TAEIL.

> moon taeil is the definition of bf

> he’s an underrated king 🥺

> okay, but, taeil is super protective of you and caring towards your needs

> will bend over backwards to make you happy

> lives to see you smile

> you guys def binge dramas together

> he gets so invested too

> he will 100% be singing the ost in the shower lmaoooo

> his fav thing to do is cuddle up next to you and just watch a movie together, ac on and just keeping cosy with your body heat

> def the type to put on a song while you guys cook or something and sing along softly

> please, imagjne being able to hear taeil’s soft, calm singing voice 🥺

> not big on the pda, but def surprisingly touchy in private

> likes ‘secretly’ holding your hand or sneaking you little kisses when the guys are around though

> it’s not very sneaky and sometimes you guys get caught, and he’s shy but lowkey, man kinda proud tho lol

> likes that the others know that you’re his

> since you’re pretty affectionate and touchy with the others

> so he lowkey gets jealous and does a little pda to be like,

> ‘yeah, i’m the only one who’ll be kissing her and getting this typa affection’

> gets embarrassed after tho, when you’ve left and he gets teased about it

> this might be nsfw? but he likes bathing together

> not showering, bathing. in like a bath tub. because showering together w just everything out makes him flustered loll

> likes the intimacy of it and finds it super romantic

> like he doesn’t even take it in a sexual way usually (unless you want him to 😼), it’s just something he’ll suggest to wind down

> just likes chilling and talking to you, your back pressed to his chest as he litters soft, appreciative kisses all over your back, or tracing little hearts

> ugh taeil’s just romantic as hell bro 🥺🥺

> WILL light a scented candle for the ~atmosphere~

> and he would love to blow dry your hair afterwards 🥺🥺 and run his hands through them 🥺🥺🥺 and like lowkey taking a whiff because he loves the smell of it after you’ve bathed together

> cause like you guys smell the same and that makes him happy 🥰

> since he’s not that much taller than you,

> it’s the perfect height for nose kisses 🥺

> he’ll just subconsciously do it when he sees you do something cute or you scrunch your nose at him

> he’ll be like ‘must kith the nose 😡🥺’

> loves it when you game

> and you get invested

> he just vibes with you and doesn’t bother you at all

> loves when you dork out over a game

> ugh you’re the cutest

> if you have a console, he’ll want you sitting in his lap as you play

> and if there’s a game he’s good at, he’ll totally pull that thing where he’ll have you in his lap and cage you in his arms as he plays

> basically, taeil is a short king and must be recognised for that 😡😡

requests are open. | rules.

[1kook]

milestone

Jeon Jungkook x (F) Reader

summary→ Part of you is touched that Jungkook really has been there for every milestone in your life. The other part wishes he hadn’t shown up looking so ridiculously sexy. tags→ American highschool/college universe, brother’s best friend au, grinding, first time, oral (f receiving), unprotected sex (pls use condoms tho), dirty talk, confessions, um graduation sex??? idk lol wc→ 8.2k

did i proofread? hell no lmao. this is my first time writing for bts tho!! enjoy!!

To say Jungkook had changed was an understatement.  

You could safely say this because you knew Jungkook, despite the times you wished you didn’t. You knew him, because he’d been attached to your older brother’s hip for as long as you could remember, present at nearly every milestone event of your childhood. He and Taehyung had become inseparable since the moment you’d first moved next door to Jungkook, their days spent playing video games after school, running around the backyard, and begging your parents to let them build a conjoined ‘Boys Only’ tree house. 

Yours, on the other hand, were spent inside, too shy to go outside and talk to your brother’s friend, even if he was only two years older than you. You were, in every aspect, the shy baby sister who played inside and hid behind her mom’s leg whenever the boys’ tummies called them back inside for snacks. 

It wasn’t that Jungkook was mean or anything. No, he was at least two times better than your own brother. On days your mother had urged you to go out and play, he’d let you play with his scooter around the driveway, because he knew you hated playing football with him and Tae, the both of them too rough. He was a sweet kid, from what you could remember, and you’d never once came to dislike him during those warm, honeyed days of your childhood. 

The bulk of what you knew of Jungkook came mostly from your teenage years, when you’d finally grown out of your shyness. Though he’d had an awkward growth spurt that led him to be the tallest freshman in his class for a short while, he was still the polite boy who everyone’s mother loved. His after school visits were not as often, both him and Tae consumed by their love for football. Their practices were grueling, and sometimes, they wouldn’t return home until well into the evening, their clothes soiled and smelly from all the hours they put in on the field. 

Jungkook was a junior by the time you started your freshman year, his prepubescent body finally working in his favor. He’d suddenly become more firm and defined, and you remembered the way his mother had scolded him when he’d pierced his right ear without permission. He’d become undeniably cute, but you always had kept that thought to yourself, lest you want the wrath of Taehyung’s overprotectiveness brought down on you. 

But he was still as supportive as he’d always been, wishing you good luck when both he and Taehyung had dropped you off for freshman orientation, a sweet smile adorning his face. It was Jungkook who had initially encouraged you to join the dance team, to which Taehyung had then insisted upon. (You’re pretty sure he just wanted you to join so he wouldn’t have to drive you home before the start of his practice everyday.)

You remembered so vividly how he’d driven you and your brother to and from school every day of the first semester, his hands veiny as they’d gripped the wheel of his dad’s car; you’ve never been able to look at a steering wheel the same way again. While your brother had preferred to scroll through his phone, Jungkook had liked conversing with you, head occasionally turning so you could catch glances of his side profile. During winter break, Taehyung finally got a license of his own, and those quiet mornings with Jungkook came to a stop. 

You saw him less after the first semester as you became consumed in your own school life, because, though the football season had ended, the dance team performed all throughout the winter basketball season as well. You came home late, often hitching rides from your older friends back home. They’d always been eager to drop you off, always desperate to catch sight of Jungkook or your brother coming out to receive you. The one day Jungkook did let you into the house, your cheeks had been tainted red from the cold. It masked your own adoration as he’d pulled open the door, his hair fluffy and soft, his usually broad body snuggly enveloped by a soft sweater. 

By the beginning of Taehyung’s senior year, both he and Jungkook had become transfixed with teaching you how to drive. At night, you’d run a few circles in the grocery’s empty parking lot, their instructions overwhelming as they shouted to be heard over each other. It was ultimately Jungkook who’d taken up the sole duty of instructing you, his voice soft and calm against your ear as he leaned in from the backseat, arm occasionally coming into your line of vision.

His and Taehyung’s senior night had been ridiculously teary, both of them grasping onto each other as the final whistle of their last high school football game rang through the crisp October air. Your parents had been preoccupied with taking pictures of Tae to upload onto Facebook, and you’d almost wandered back to the car in boredom, had Jungkook not swept you into a hug and gushed profusely, the adrenaline from the game and his happiness making him stumble over his words. He’d been smelly and sticky, his shoulder pads pressing into you in a mildly uncomfortable way, but you’d be an idiot to pull out of his embrace. 

It was during their graduation that you finally came to terms with your crush on Jungkook, your brother’s best friend in the entire universe. 

As they’d filed out of the auditorium, your eyes had been locked on Jungkook’s broad shoulders, nicely fitted by the gown they all wore, a sharp pang striking your chest. He was eighteen then, so bright and excited for college, and you knew you could never tell him how much he meant to you. You couldn’t tell him, not because it’d make things weird, but because Jungkook was so caring and generous that he would spend all his time worrying about little sixteen year-old you. 

He was such a genuine person, that you knew bestowing such news on him would only hinder his success as he moved onto the next stage of his life; so worried he’d be about you that he might even reconsider going to dorm out of state. You never wanted anything more than for Jungkook to be happy, and if it meant suppressing the feelings you’d felt for more than ten years, so be it. 

They would go away, you were sure, but Jungkook’s troubles for you would not. So you’d brushed them aside in favor of watching him blossom into the professional gentleman you knew he was destined to become. 

Which is what leaves you undoubtedly confused by his appearance at your graduation. 

“I- thanks?” You say, taking the sopping wet bouquet out of his grasp, holding it  as far as possible from your crisp graduation gown. The tassel you’d just turned brushes against your cheek as you level Jungkook with a confused once-over. He’s out of breath, for some reason, the strands of hair he’d brushed backwards slowly curling forwards to brush the tip of his eyebrows. 

He draws to his full height, leveling you with an unusual smirk. “Don’t mention it, kid,” he brushes off, playfully punching your arm. You guess he isn’t aware of his own brutish strength, hiding beneath that tight button-down, because you end up flinching after the hit, not that he notices. You push the flowers off onto your mom, who seems pretty preoccupied making sure the pictures she’d taken of you came out okay. Your dad is nowhere to be found, probably back in the cafeteria scarfing down the snacks that had been set out for people wishing to mingle after the ceremony. 

You’re thrown for another loop when Taehyung’s arm is thrown around your shoulders, knocking your cap off your head. He very narrowly catches it, twirling it in his palm as he beams in your face. “I can’t believe it,” he cries, “my baby sister, finally being released from prison!” He wipes an imaginary tear off his face, and you would have been more invested in his dramatics had you not been so enthralled by the sight of Jungkook. 

Admittedly, it’s been a while since you last saw him. He and Taehyung rarely visited, only on the mandatory holidays, before driving the five hours back to their college to never be seen or heard from until the next holiday. The last time you’d even seen Taehyung was during winter break, because he and Jungkook had decided to travel out of the country for spring break instead of coming home. 

The extended absence is probably why you’re so confused as you stare at Jungkook now, his appearance nothing like the young man that had worn this exact same cap and gown two years ago. You’re not sure if his life has genuinely transformed into a mess, or if he’d just been rushed to come to your graduation. Either way, his appearance is getting quite the attention from those around you. He’d forgone an under shirt, despite the translucence of his formal button-down, and when you squint hard enough, there’s definitely a tattoo on his clavicle, and another one nestled beneath the swell of his pecto–you quickly look away. 

“When did you guys get here?” You ask, scanning over the sea of gowns in an attempt to distract yourself from Jungkook’s godly appearance. Part of you is touched that Jungkook really has been there for every milestone in your life. The other part wishes he hadn’t shown up looking so ridiculously sexy. 

“Tae wanted to get here earlier so we could take pictures, but we had to stop by and get some flowers, and the only ones you liked were in the middle of getting water,” Jungkook supplies, unaware of your attempts to push him to the back of your mind. “And then we got stuck in traffic, and ended up getting dressed in the car,” he sighs, hands shoved into the depths of his wrinkled slacks. 

“Must’ve been quite the show,” you offhandedly reply, and have to will your face to remain as stoic as possible when he raises an eyebrow at you, a teasing smirk adorning his features. “Look, we’re gonna go eat at the nice Italian place downtown,” you say instead, turning your gaze back to Taehyung. “You guys are welcome to come, but I don’t know if we reserved enough seats.”

Taehyung snorts, and you’d pull away had he not currently held a vice grip on your shoulders. “Fuck that plan,” he scoffs, and your mom whacks his arm. “So here’s what we’re really going to do,” he says, pulling Jungkook in so the three of you are awkwardly huddled in the midst of the all graduates and their families. At the sudden movement, Jungkook’s arm brushes up your own, your heads nearly knocking into each other. “Dad said I can take you out to celebrate you finally being an adult, and since it’s officially the beginning of summer, there’s a huge party on the south side of town.” He says, and the fact he knows what’s going on in his hometown, despite only being home for all of two hours, lets you know this was premeditated. 

“I’m sorry, we’re doing what?” You finally gather the balls to look Jungkook in the eye again, and by the shrug he gives you (still with that stupid grin on his face), you at least know this was a Taehyung original scheme. You’re grateful he hadn’t roped Jungkook in yet, because if he’d proposed this idea, you’d agree in a second. 

You forget Jungkook and Taehyung work through a telepathically connected system, and one shared glance between the two has Jungkook immediately taking your brother’s side. “C’mon, that’d be fun wouldn’t it?” His voice is deep and raspy in all the right places, and you purse your lips together as you grapple for some excuse. You can’t say your parents are against it, because, according to Tae, your dad had approved of this plan–sort of. 

“Think of it this way,” Jungkook pulls you out of your thoughts, “it’d be better to go to your first real party with your brother!” You groan, and Taehyung beams at Jungkook’s terrible point. 

“This is a horrible idea,” you whine, snapping out of your childish antics when one of your friends brushes by you, throwing a soft goodbye over your shoulder. Briefly, Taehyung lets a low whistle leave his lips, to which you shove an elbow into his ribs. “Look, I appreciate the offer, but I really just want to eat some food and go to sleep,” you calmly state. 

Taehyung groans so hard and loud, it nearly sounds like a scream. Your huddle breaks at that, and you readjust your gown. You wonder if you’d imagined the way Jungkook’s eyes flickered towards your exposed neck, the off the shoulder dress you’re wearing making it seem as if the graduation gown was the only thing you had on. “You’re so boring, ___!” Taehyung complains. You refrain from rubbing your temples, because the makeup you’d worn tonight had taken quite some time. 

The only thing that calms you down is the way Jungkook slowly wraps his fingers around your wrist, pulling your diploma from your hand. “Oh, right,” he says, eyes glinting, “forgot you were a goody-two-shoes.” 

You can’t really say no then. Not only was your pride at stake now, but the way Jungkook’s eyes had traced around the dainty necklace resting between your collarbones had been too inviting. 

“Have you seen my brother?” You screech into Jungkook’s ear, your voice drowned out by the loud thump of the bass. Jungkook squints, as if that somehow helps him hear better, and motions for you to repeat it. You groan, and try again. You’re not sure if Jungkook shrugs because he hasn’t seen Taehyung, or because he didn’t hear for the second time. 

You’re a real idiot for letting some pretty brown eyes rope you into the craziest night of your life. Through the course of the evening, you’ve managed to see your brother–your own brother, the one who’d cried when Simba’s dad died–jump off the balcony of someone’s house and into a trampoline on the yard below, someone snort a line of crack off a guy’s dick, someone else completely wipe out while dancing on the bar, and Jungkook successfully swindle four hundred dollars out of some drunk billiards players. Suffice to say, you were ready to go home and knock out in the comfort of your bed. 

It didn’t help that Taehyung had been adamant that you drink as much alcohol as you could, occasionally brushing by to thrust another mysterious liquid into your palms. You shouldn’t be as cautious of the drinks considering your brother made them, but then again, your brother made them. 

The fact you’d had to watch Jungkook grind with multiple women on the dance floor for a solid fifteen minutes while Taehyung made you play beer pong with him, was another matter for another day. 

You sighed, glancing around to see if you could catch sight of Taehyung’s ridiculously bright head of hair. Probably the biggest mistake you’d made that night was putting Tae in charge of the car keys. 

You’re pulled out of your worries when Jungkook taps your arm. You raise your brows at him, and he motions for you to lean closer, which you hesitate to.

Truthfully, he looks absolutely godly sitting on that bar stool, legs deliciously spread out for you to slot yourself in between. Somewhere along the line, he’d began unbuttoning his shirt to relieve some of his body’s heat; he was three buttons down now, and the flat part of his chest, right between where his pecs met, glistened with sweat. 

As if sensing your hesitation, he hits you with another one of those sweet smiles he’d been dropping all night, though with the more alcohol he consumes, the more they start to look like those devious little smirks now. You acquiesce, leaning forward so that his lips hover dangerously close to your ear. 

What you’re not expecting is the palm that spreads itself on the small of your back, pulling you closer between his legs. Your breath catches in your throat, your arms automatically shooting out to rest on his shoulders. “You okay?” He huffs, hot breath fanning over your ear and neck. He pulls away, brown eyes wide as he inspects your appearance. You nod, distantly aware of the trembling of your hands. Jungkook smiles. 

“Don’t be so scared,” he laughs, and all you can do is nod again. His hand shifts, gliding around until it rests on your waist. “Don’t be so uptight,” he teases, fingers gently pressing into your skin in an effort to loosen you up. If anything, it makes you even more tense. 

He leans away, ducking down to catch your gaze as you struggle to contain the warmth on your face. When you finally meet his eyes, he seems almost devilish as his eyes trace over your face, briefly flickering somewhere behind you. “Don’t be such a fucking prude,” he cackles, and points over your shoulder. 

You turn your body, only to catch sight of girls falling over each other on the dance floor as they shake every body part possible. Truthfully, you wish you had the balls to move like that, be as open as them. In another life, you’re as fun and as wild as them, but in this one you’re still a reserved little girl, a trait you’re certain Jungkook has picked up on by now. 

“I don’t know how to dance like that,” you awkwardly admit, looking away from him the second the words leave your mouth. You don’t let this vulnerable moment last long, quickly screwing your lips up to spit out another excuse that will somehow redeem your image. “And, Taehyung gets too overprotective if I dance with guys anyway!”

It’s only a half lie. Though Taehyung is in every sense the protective older brother, he knows you’re smart enough to make your own decisions. 

Jungkook knows this as well as you do.

“Bullshit,” he smirks, and sets his cup somewhere behind him. You bite your lip, brain racking for any other lie you can throw at him to protect your ego. 

Jungkook doesn’t let you dwell on it for long, abruptly standing up. You don’t move away fast enough, and end up pressed against the hard plains of his body. “C’mon,” he says, gesturing towards the dance floor with a nod of his head. “I’ll teach you.”

You don’t get your protest in on time before Jungkook’s tugging you towards where the majority of the party is concentrated. You stumble between dancing friends and couples, and for a moment you think you’ve spotted Taehyung to save you, but it’s just another person with annoyingly bright red hair. Your options are cut short when you bump into Jungkook’s shoulder, and he turns to face you. 

He looks disgustingly handsome here, the obnoxious strobe lights casting colorful shapes across his features. “Follow my lead,�� he mouths (or you presume he does), moving to knot your arms around his neck. 

His hips move, and for a moment, your feet become ice blocks, struggling to move with him. You’re too entranced by the roll of his hips, the way his narrow waist moves back and forth. His hands find their home on your hips, gently encouraging you to move with the beat. 

After you’ve regained your wits, you begin following Jungkook’s lead, letting your hips swing from side to side until they’ve synced with his. You chance a glance up at his face, before snapping it back to his body. It’s a thousand times easier to watch the rolls of his body than meet the heated gaze he’s leveling you with. 

A few songs pass, your bodies moving in the same beat, until suddenly, the DJ hits you with the annoying air horns, transitioning into an even raunchier, slow song, if that’s possible. Immediately, everyone around you changes their pace, and you struggle to do the same, body awkwardly knocking into the people around you. 

Somehow, Jungkook both saves and endangers you. 

The easiest way to get you to sync up with him while also pulling you out of harm’s way is, apparently, whirling you around to press your back against his chest. A gasp catches in your throat at the sudden physical contact, the hair at the nape of your neck sticking to your skin. 

“Relax,” he laughs against your ear, hips slowly rocking back and forth, encouraging you to pick up the same pace. You do, your face finally taking on all the emotions you couldn’t when you were facing him. His hands rest on your hips still, though this time they pull you closer with each beat of the music. 

His hand slowly curls around your body, resting over your belly button, his pinky dangerously brushing lower to where an unusual ball of heat has begun to form inside of you. You jolt, pushing back onto him. A soft puff of air brushes against your ear at the movement, Jungkook’s hands twitching on your body. 

You’re suddenly aware of a particular nudge against the curve of your ass. 

“Oh,” you breathe, your voice too loud for the soft RnB tune drifting through the speakers. 

“Oh?” Jungkook repeats, voice husky, and you can imagine the smirk that tugs at his lips. He pulls you closer, and you feel it again: the soft brush of his dick, slowly hardening because of you. He nudges your head aside, pressing his mouth to your ear. “You like that?”

You’re paralyzed, hips unconsciously swaying with the music as the intense heat begins curling between your legs. You must’ve nodded, because Jungkook chuckles as he continues the motions, slowly grinding into you the same way you’d watched him do to other girls that same night. 

After a particularly nice move, your hand grapples for his hair, tugging him closer as your head lolls backwards to rest against his shoulder. He presses a kiss to your neck, and you nearly ascend into another plane, the sensation so heavenly. 

“Look at you,” Jungkook purrs, rocking you back and forth between all the other grinding bodies. “Miss Goody-Two-Shoes does know how to dance,” he teases, pressing kisses along your jawline, a gasp escaping your throat. Your legs wobble, and you would have fallen if Jungkook’s arms hadn’t been wrapped around you. 

“K-Kookie,” you whine, quivering with every press of his lips against your hot skin. 

He quietly scoffs at the name, shushing you with more kisses. “Fuck,” he groans when you rock back into him again. “Tae always said you were off limits but,” he pauses, his hands briefly sliding over your pelvis, relishing in the moan that slips past your lips. “He didn’t tell me you’d gotten so pretty.”

Your cheeks burn even hotter at the compliment, head hanging in a sudden stroke of embarrassment. Jungkook presses a smile against the side of your neck. “Don’t get shy on me now, angel,” he croons as he stops swaying the two of you back and forth. 

His hands glide off your body to enclose your palms with his, raising them up to catch your attention. You’re met with that playboy smirk of his as he leans down to kiss your cheek. He raises an eyebrow, gesturing towards the stairs you’d seen countless couples go up throughout the night. 

You’ve barely stumbled off the dancing area when you’re suddenly attacked by a fiery drunkard, who immediately nestles his way between the two of you. “I was looking all over for you guys!” Taehyung slurs, hanging off your side. 

“That’s nice, Tae,” Jungkook grunts, trying to peel him away from the two of you in the subtlest way possible. Despite his obvious tipsy state, his hawk-like instincts kick in anyway, eyeing the way Jungkook tries to move towards you. 

There’s a heavy pause then, the both of them staring each other down. They’re probably having another one of those telepathic conversations right now, and you’re static between the two of them. Eventually, Taehyung backs down, though his jaw twitches as he spares you one last glance, before sauntering off to enjoy himself once more. 

You can more or less guess what it’s about. 

Jungkook doesn’t waste any time, tugging you up the stairs and into a dark hallway with doors on both sides. You vaguely recognize the door Taehyung had stumbled through earlier in the night before he’d performed his balcony stunt, but you don't dwell on in too much before Jungkook’s pushing you through another open door. 

It’s someone’s bedroom, obviously, and you feel some sort of guilt for all the people that have probably run through this person’s belongings during the course of the night. Apparently, Jungkook’s hidden talent is distracting you in a moment’s notice, his mouth suddenly sealed to yours, not even bothering to flick the lights on. The stranger’s bedroom slips to the back of your mind.

In all the fantasies you’ve had of Jungkook, none of them went quite like this. They were always more romantic, filled with tearful confessions and lingering gazes, the Jungkook in your head so soft and shy, too hesitant to touch you, let alone kiss you. 

You’re not sure where the younger you got these ideas from, because the real Jungkook is nothing alike. His mouth is hot when he slots it against yours, harshly biting down on your lip until you’re crying out. He doesn’t feel (or at least show) an ounce of sympathy before he’s shoving his tongue down your throat. 

You choke, momentarily flinching away in surprise. You catch sight of the hungry glare of his gaze, before he’s diving in again. You’re more prepared the second time around, fingers hesitantly wrapping around his neck as he licks into your mouth. He’s cornered you against the desk in the room, your ass pressing against the edge, and he uses it to his advantage, lifting you to rest on top. 

He glances at your swollen lips, beaming at the sight. “Gonna fuck you so good, angel,” he says, nudging your legs open to squeeze between them. You tremble at his words. 

He’s kissing down your neck, tongue laving over the skin only to bite you, when things take a turn. “You clean?” He murmurs, a little preoccupied with his work on your neck. 

You pause. “I- Yes?”

Jungkook stills immediately, pressing one final chaste kiss to your skin before leveling you with a confused furrow of his brows. “You sure?” You flounder, totally unsure. Jungkook’s lips twist into a frown. His hands are still wrapped around the sides of your thighs, but you don’t miss the way he subtly shifts away from you. You nod, but you suspect Jungkook doesn’t believe you. 

He sighs. “Look, I didn't bring a condom, and if you’re not clean, then I don’t really want to...” he trails off, awkwardly glancing out the window to his left, people crowding the backyard. You’re not entirely sure why, but the mood feels wrong all of a sudden. 

“I-” you start, and cut off when he levels you with that intense stare of his. “I’m not sure... what you mean,” you admit, so incredibly nervous as you watch him work his lower lip between his teeth. 

“What?” He says in disbelief, and your eyes widen at the disappointment in his voice. “You clean or not?” Your mouth opens and closes for a few minutes, before you ultimately settle on a one-shouldered shrug. 

Jungkook’s eyes roll into the back of his head, his jaw twitching. “How do you not know?” He interrogates, and your cheeks flush in shame. “Have you fucked someone that might’ve been,” he waves a hand around, gesturing about something, “y’know?”

You shake your head. “I... I’ve never had sex,” you admit.

The air seems to be sucked out of the room at your confession, Jungkook’s annoyed expression slowly melting away. Stuck in a vacuum, you can hear the hard thumps your heart gives from its position lodged inside your throat.

You hear the party downstairs and outside continue in full swing, and, when you focus your ears enough, can hear the muffled moans coming from the room next door. Your ears burn, and you hastily begin apologizing to Jungkook, ready to brush him away, when he surges forward to connect your mouths for the third time that night. 

He bites your lower lip hard, your cry swallowed by his lips as he begins kissing you with a passion you’ve never felt from any other kisses before. When he pulls away with a lewd smack of your lips, you’re panting for breath, chest rising and falling with every movement. His eyes momentarily flicker to the swell of your breasts. 

He ducks down, one hand gliding up the center of your body to urge you to lean back, your arms barely catching the edge of the desk in time. “Holy fuck,” he breathes against your chest, pressing one brief kiss to the top of your breast. “You really are a little angel, aren’t you?”

You gasp when a hand tugs your legs open as much as your dress allows, slipping between your spread thighs to run a finger up your throbbing core. Your thighs tremble at the sudden touch, a moan ripping itself out of your throat. “So pretty,” Jungkook praises, slowly sinking to the floor between your legs. 

The sight of his black tuft of hair between your legs makes your toes curl. 

“What’s a good girl like you wearing these panties for?” Jungkook murmurs, his hands pushing the hem of your dress as far up as it’ll go to expose the little number you’d pulled out of your closet that day. It was the only seamless underwear you could wear with this dress, and had picked it carelessly because you’d been planning on going home right after your graduation anyway. But, y’know. 

“I needed it for the dress,” you answer, your voice uncharacteristically dainty as you stare him down. 

Jungkook loops his fingers around the sides, eyes meeting yours as he slowly pulls it down your legs, fingers trailing over your calf muscles. Once he’s tugged your feet out of it, he doesn’t hesitate to bring it up to where you can both see it, inspecting the crotch area. You’re mortified to see the way it glistens. 

You hadn’t been aware how wet you’d become until then, Jungkook’s head tilting to the side as he stared down the offending article. Your humiliation only increases when he brings it to his nose, and takes one long whiff of it. 

His eyes flutter shut, and he moans on the exhale. “You smell delicious,” he sighs, and takes one more glance at your panties before carelessly tossing the pair over his shoulder. Your mouth is agape, unsure of how to feel at such an action. Jungkook doesn’t seem to notice, turning his attention back to your exposed pussy. “I bet you taste even better.”

You don’t get to properly process his statement before he’s burying his mouth between your thighs, sucking your clit between his lips. You cry out in pleasure right away, back arching as he swirls your bud around his tongue, eyes watching your every expression. Your hands wildly search for something to hold onto, before settling on the edge of the desk and his hair. 

“J-Jungkook,” you moan, biting your bottom lip as you try to suppress any more embarrassing sounds. He hums, the sound sending vibrations through your clit and up your spine. 

While you’re distracted by the ministrations of his tongue, he trails his fingers down your slit, grinning when you finally register the touch with a sharp gasp. He pulls off your bud with a pop, leaning back to stare at your virgin hole as he swirls his fingers around it. 

“You touch yourself, angel?” He questions, pressing a soft kiss to your thigh, finger gently probing against your opening. When you don’t answer, he bites the soft inside of your thigh, the way you tremble a sight for his eyes. “Answer me.”

Your eyes feel heavy, lips quivering as you watch him become entranced with your cunt. “Sometimes,” you admit, shame building in your chest at the wicked grin he sends your way. 

Jungkook pushes the tip of his finger in, pausing as your body spasms to adjust. “You’ve touched this pretty little pussy?” He asks, accepting the hurried nod you give him as an answer. “What do you think about, angel?”

He pushes his finger in halfway, and you moan, your body clenching around the unusual feeling. While you might’ve had your own fingers stuffed inside of you before, they were nothing like Jungkook’s thick and long digit, testing out how much he could curl it so far. “Y-You,” you confess, raising your fist to your mouth to bite down on it. 

“Oh?” Jungkook murmurs, eyebrows raising at the confession. He leans down, pressing a tender kiss to your clit again. If he’s surprised, he doesn’t let it show. “Do you think of me fucking you? Bending you over your bed while our parents are talking in the driveway outside?” He proposes, tongue slipping out to tease at your clit as he slowly pushes his finger the rest of the way in. “Or do you think of sitting on my cock during one of my and Tae’s sleepovers, angel? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Getting yourself off while everyone else is asleep,” he croons, and you yelp when he shoves the second finger in, not even bothering to go slowly. “Sounds nice, doesn’t it, angel?”

You whimper, mind clouded by all the possibilities he’d stuffed into your head. Until then, they’d all been fantasies, little snippets that would drift into your consciousness every now and then, ones you’d push away in a haste, never letting them rile you up for too long. 

It seemed impossible to apply that same mentality now, with Jungkook’s tongue flicking over your clit lazily, mocha irises drifting up to meet yours. You nibble your bottom lip, nails digging into the grainy underside of the desk as you watch that disgustingly arrogant smirk cross his features again. 

His fingers twist and bend inside of you. Immediately, your mouth drops open, whole body tingling as his shoves his two fingers deeper inside, until his knuckles are brushing the delicate lips of your pussy. Instinctively, your legs try to clamp around him, to which he halts you by pressing his hand down on your hip. 

You cry out after a particularly brutal scissor of his fingers, which Jungkook apparently deems as a sign of you being fully prepared, slipping his fingers out of you. He presses one final kiss to your hip bone and rises to his feet again. His ares are fixed on your exposed pussy for a second, before he glances back at you. 

“So you really are a virgin, huh?” He murmurs, rubbing one palm soothingly over your hip. He brings the hand that had been buried inside of you up to his mouth, sucking your juices off his fingers with a pleasured groan. “Fuck, you taste good,” he sighs, cheeks hollowed around his fingers. 

You seem to be caught in a trance as you watch him, plush pink lips wrapped around the long expanse of his fingers. They’re glistening, both from your own wetness and his saliva. He pulls his fingers out, the sound lewd in every sense of the word, and brings them up to your mouth instead. “Taste,” he urges, leaning in close, “you’re so sweet, angel,” he purrs, pushing his digits into your mouth until your tongue is forced to lick around them. 

It’s an odd feeling to taste yourself, but you can’t really complain, not when Jungkook seems hypnotized by the sight of you. So you make the best out of it, twirling your tongue around his fingers until he’s deemed it enough, and yanks them out of your mouth with a ragged breath. 

“Gonna fuck you now,” he tells you, unbuckling his belt. You’ve been vaguely aware of the erection straining inside his pants since you first walked into the room, but it’d honestly slipped to the back of your mind, overshadowed by other matters. 

Now, you’ve seen your fair share of dicks, the majority, if not all, in the form of unsolicited snapchats from fuckboys at your school. But Jungkook was older than them, and thus probably had more experience and expertise with how to present his dick in a way that didn’t make girls go ewww. 

He doesn’t make it much of a show, doesn’t even bother taking his pants or briefs off. Instead, he tugs his hard cock out of its confines, and a moan catches in your throat despite the simplicity of the big reveal. His dick is thick, and long, longer than your entire hand at least. After giving it a few harsh pulls, he gets impossibly bigger. 

He must’ve sensed your fascination with it, because he doesn’t hesitate to bring your significantly smaller palm closer to him. “C’mon,” he teases, closing your fingers with his own, “don’t be scared.”

You play with him a little bit, shaky fingers tracing over the vein that decorates the side of his cock. You run the tip of your index finger down the slit at the head of his cock, and watch as a little white pearl of pre-cum slowly dribbles out onto your fingers, Jungkook groaning softly into your ear. He watches you spread his own self-made lube around his member, and groans, “I’m gonna fucking ruin you, my little angel.”

After you’re done examining your first ever dick, Jungkook wraps one arm around your waist, pulling you impossibly closer. Your legs dangle off the side of the desk still, the blood flow barely reaching your toes now. Jungkook grasps the base of his cock in one hand, tracing the rosy head around the tight ring of muscle leading into your soaking cunt. 

You cry out, wrapping one hand around him. The positioning feels all wrong; you feel too far away, the desk stiff underneath you. You whine, trying to tug him closer but your entire body still feels weak from the way his tongue had caressed you earlier, and you end up a huffy, pouty mess in his arms. 

Jungkook chuckles, pressing a kiss to the corner of your lips. He slides his hands beneath your thighs, before fully sheathing himself inside of you. You scream, your back arching in pain that slowly melts away into the beginnings of pleasure. “J-Jungk-”

“Shh,” he says, pressing kisses all along your jawline. In an ultimate display of strength, he hauls you off the desk, cock still fully inside of you, as he walks you over to the window, satisfying the part of you that was desperate to be closer to him. You feel the cold press of the glass against your shoulders before you can protest, and for a moment, the idea of everyone below you watching Jungkook defile you sparks a growing sense of shame in your chest, even though the room is dark and there’s no way they could possibly see you–right?

Jungkook doesn’t let you dwell in these dark thoughts for long, before he’s slowly moving his hips, pulling his cock out and slamming back into you. “All these people,” he huffs, setting the pace for the fucking you’re about to get right then and there. His hips slowly gain speed, transitioning from slow and shallow thrusts to rapid ones that almost hurt, had his dick not been rubbing against your swollen clit with each movement. “They’re all gonna watch you, angel,” he purrs, laving his tongue over the side of your neck, before biting down. 

“P-Please,” you whimper, fingers digging into his shoulders as your body becomes used to the feeling of Jungkook inside of you. You’re still embarrassed, but the more Jungkook talks, the more excited you get about someone actually seeing you. It’s a kink you never thought you’d have, getting off on others watching you, yet here you are. “Faster, Kookie,” you beg, his childhood nickname absentmindedly rolling off your lips. 

Jungkook jolts at the name, his hips stilling mid thrust. For a moment, you’re scared he came to his senses, realizing how absolutely wrong it was for him to be fucking you, his best friend’s little sister, against a window where everyone could see. But the thought seems to be only in your mind, as Jungkook suddenly resumes his actions. 

“Fuck, angel,” he grunts, snapping his hips with even more fervor. “You’re gonna be the death of me,” he laughs, though it’s choked and raspy, unlike the laughter that you’d been hearing all night. His hands, which had both been firmly clamped onto your hips to hold you against the window sill, leave. One slams down on the glass beside your head, while the other moves to grab the back of your thigh, hitching your leg up higher. 

The adjustment has him hitting an entirely new angle within you, and you nearly sob when the tip of his dick brushes your cervix. “K-Kookie!” you cry, every nerve in your body tingling. 

Jungkook presses a bruising kiss to your lips, swallowing every little noise you make. “You’re still gonna–fuck,” he curses, after a particularly harsh thrust that leaves him slowly grinding his hips against you for a second. “Still gonna call me that– stupid fucking name?” He chokes out, rutting into you with an inhumane pace, teeth clenching as he watches his own cock plunge into the depths of your achingly warm hole. 

You moan, fingers digging into his shoulders as he continues his thrusts, never stopping to let you watch your breath. The heat building inside your core is brimming, so close to exploding already that you become desperate for more. “More,” you beg, “pl-please.”

“Say it,” he spits, letting go of the window to grasp your hip again, his grip so tight it’ll probably leave bruises tomorrow morning. “Say it again,” he taunts, finally bottoming out inside of you, holding your hips as he slowly grinds his hips into you. 

“I-I don’t underst–”

“Bullshit,” he growls, pressing his forehead against yours. Your chest heaves, desperate for air as he continues slamming into you with a ridiculous strength. “Just do it, ___,” he demands. “Call me that childish name while my cock’s stuffed so deep inside you, you can barely breathe,” he huffs, and the strings of your arousal slowly begin pulling undone, your body so close to it’s breaking point as he continues thrusting. “Does that get you going? Thinking about all the times we could’ve done this before.”

You whine, your body beginning to feel like gelatin, as you shake your head. “Did you think about me fucking you when I was your math tutor? Or how I could’ve bent you over the backseat of my dad’s old car? Or maybe you fantasized about how it’d feel after one of my games?” You wail, and a cocky smirk crosses his features. “Ohhh, so you got off on that one, huh? Did you imagine riding me inside the locker rooms while poor Taehyung waited for us in the parking lot? I always knew you weren’t really a good little girl, ___. Maybe you aren’t an angel after all, hm?” You shake your head no, tears and moans escaping your lips, your body finally giving out on you, your thighs quivering around him as your body spasms, overcome with your orgasm. 

You feel your own cum slowly drip down the back of your thighs, body slumping back against the window as Jungkook continues fucking into you like an animal in heat. Dazedly, you trace a hand over the side of his face, murmuring a soft, “Kookie.”

Jungkook moans as your sensitive pussy throbs around him, unintentionally clenching around him. The drag must feel nice, because his thrusts become wild and off tempo, until he’s ramming into you sporadically, desperate for his own release. 

It comes a few moments later, with a few soft caresses to his face, and sweet pecks to lips. He busts inside of you, his hips meeting yours one last time, before his mouth goes slack against yours, and you feel his semen paint your walls. You whine at the feeling, body jolting. 

Jungkook doesn’t hesitate to haul you off the window sill, carefully dropping you down the perfectly untouched mattress, before falling down after you. All is calm for a few moments, the only sounds registering in your brain the harsh breathing of both you and Jungkook, and the slowing beat of your heart. 

After a while, everything else begins filtering in; the loud thumping of the bass downstairs, the hoots and hollers of the partygoers (Taehyung’s are probably mixed in), and the general ruckus that comes from having so many youths gathered in one place. 

It hits you then, and you’re quick to tug your dress back down over your ass, despite the cum dripping out of your pussy. Jungkook startles at your sudden movement, moving at the pace of a literal sloth as he tries to calm your nerves and persuade you to lay back down. His dick is limp and shiny with cum now, which not only makes it less sexy, but also is a stark reminder of what you just did with your older brother’s best friend. 

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” he soothes, tucking his penis back into his pants as if sensing your growing anxiety. He seems nothing like the Jungkook who’d just fucked your brains out, but more like the Jungkook from your childhood. You’re not sure which one is worse. 

“Taehyung’s gonna hate us,” you cry, hopelessly trying to reign in the tears that threaten to spill over your waterline. Jungkook pulls you into his chest, your hands immediately flying to ball his shirt beneath your palms. 

Jungkook presses a kiss to the crown of your head, and you’re not sure if your heart skips because of that or because you’re crying. “Calm down, angel,” he murmurs, running his fingers down your spine. Before you can get in a protest about how you can’t possibly be calm in this situation, Jungkook beats you to it. “Tae already knew I was gonna make a move on you tonight, there’s nothing to worry about,” he hums, and your body stills. 

You pull out of his embrace to fix him with a confused, wide-eyed stare. “What do you mean Taehyung already knew?!” He’d been trying to ease your nerves, but if anything, made them worse. 

Jungkook sighs, “for a smart girl, you’re pretty stupid sometimes.”

Your watery eyes narrow dangerously at him, and Jungkook is quick to come to his own defense. “I’m sorry! It’s just,” he worries his bottom lip between his teeth, and even though the room is still shrouded in darkness, you get the feeling he’s blushing. When he finally glances back, his eyes are big and innocent, and you have a hard time connecting this Jungkook to the one from ten minutes ago who folded you like a chair against the window. 

“You were right about what you said downstairs, Taehyung has always been overprotective about you being with guys,” he mumbles. “He was mad when I told him I liked you during my senior year, but he knew I would never go after you, because I was becoming an adult or whatever, and then I guess he thought I was gonna get over it when we went to college. But then, like, I never did, so that’s why he was mad when he saw me bringing you upstairs, but you just looked so good tonight when you were dancing, and I’ve been sort of in love with you since we were kids, that I couldn’t help myself, and I just– Are you crying?!” His rambling is cut short.

“No!” You shout, except you definitely are. You sniffle, wiping away the makeup that has long since been ruined as you try to hide your face from Jungkook. Said boy is staring at you like a deer caught in headlights, unsure if he should console you or let you cry it out. He settles on the former, ducking his head down until you’re forced to meet his imploring gaze. 

You whine, pushing his head away as you scramble to gather your thoughts. “You’re so annoying,” you huff, getting the last of the tears wiped away as you level him with an irritated glare. “Instead of telling me you liked me, you basically stole my virginity, which you apparently asked my brother for–my brother! Of all people,” you scold, tweaking his nipple between your fingers, before trying to ignore the heated gaze he gives you from such an action. 

You let one irritated groan tear its way out of your throat before you’re burying your way back into Jungkook’s arms. “You’re not mad, right?” He murmurs, soft and caring, and you’re totally mad, because it feels like you’ve somehow been conned out of your own virginity. 

Except you tell him, “no, I’m not, because I’m kind of in love with you too,” and get to hear the giddy whoop that leaves Jungkook’s lips. 

[whateverisbeautiful]

Reveling in Richonne

#136 The Right One (9x03)

Y’all, if anything Richonne related was recorded and released then I gotta break it down. That’s just the rules. 😂 And there were three deleted scenes from this episode that didn’t make it on the air but were still filled with Richonne goodness so I definitely gotta break it down and revel in it.

So the first deleted scene is with the Grimes Family visiting Siddiq. Judith is looking at Siddiq like doctors visits are not her favorite and Rick and Michonne sit next to each other on the side, trying to be as positive as possible so that Judith will be down to get her check up. 

R&M look adorable as they so easily go into this parent role of encouraging Judith. ☺️ Like I love that they’re the kind of parents who both will feel it necessary to take time off to take their daughter to the doctor together as a whole family event. 

So Siddiq suggests to Judith that maybe her dad can go first and Rick’s all cutely nodding and willing to do this for his daughter and then he reassures her “And Family Fun Day right after, I promise.” as Michonne nods in agreement. My face hurts from smiling like a dork lol. I love that “family fun day” is the coined phrase for them and that Rick is so eager to give Judith (and Michonne) (and him) this Family Fun Day. I could listen to Rick refer to the three of them as family all day. 💯 

So Rick gets up and he and Siddiq demonstrate the whole breathing thing which is cute and Judith smiles very entertained, which is even cuter. And then Siddiq mentions that Judith’s file doesn’t have a family history. 

And Rick looks over to Michonne cuz they both know why this conversation is a bit awkward. I’m glad Rick confided in Michonne about that whole Lori and Shane moment in season 7 cuz now he has someone who can be on the same page with him about this kind of stuff.

Siddiq asks if there are any conditions that run in the family like allergies and chronic conditions and all that.

Both Rick and Michonne share a knowing look like, “Look our daughter has a very complicated family history” lol. 😬 Like look at their faces and tell me that’s not a direct quote from their mind.

It’s so interesting tho to have a moment in season nine that alludes to stuff that went down in season two. Again, Michonne never even met Lori and Shane but I’m glad she knows enough to be able to share an understanding and supportive feeling with Rick here, rather than this being something Rick has to carry alone. 

And Rick seems very happy to sort of look at Michonne throughout like “well ain’t this a little messy situation cuz of messy Lori & Shane”. Direct quote from Rick’s mind. 😂

But Rick plays it off saying, “I can’t remember much.” I feel like this really does cement that Rick has reason to be sure Judith isn’t his. Cuz I feel like if it was just a “feeling” that she’s not his biological daughter then he would’ve at least tried to think of some family conditions he might have, but Homeboy’s certain so he’s like nope I did the math and you don’t have to worry about my family history here.

I know for R&M, Judith is their daughter period so I feel like that’d be why they don’t clarify to Siddiq that her parents aren’t actually alive, cuz as far as anyone is concerned Rick and Michonne are her parents.

Rick then quickly changes the subject and asks about Aaron and then they talk about the missing savior and all that. Michonne’s a bit concerned about the fact that a savior was sent packing by Rick and left at night, but Rick is fairly certain it’s nbd. 

And I wish it was no problem. I really do. Cuz then that perfect family fun day wouldn’t have had to end so abruptly. But I just have to note this scene for being yet another glimpse into the lives of the Grimes mom and dad. 😊

The next deleted scene is on the picnic blanket. I wanted this picnic blanket scene to be it’s own episode/spin-off series lol. 😂 But I’m glad that since it was only a clip in the montage, that there was at least a deleted scene with them in this moment.

The scene starts with Rick and Michonne watching Judith in this quiet peaceful environment. Judith coughs and Rick is quick to assure both him and Michonne, “It’s just a cough, nothing to worry about.”  

Michonne agrees and says, “Yeah. Still I’m glad we checked cuz you never know.” Mama Michonne’s saying it’s better to be safe than sorry which I’m sure she feels strongly after losing both her sons so suddenly.

There’s something deep about this moment between them because of course they’re caring parents so that’s why this cough is of note to them, but also as of now this is their last remaining kid. And I know they are both so resolved to never lose her or let anything bad happen to her, whether it be something big like a walker and outside threats or something seemingly “small” like a cough and potential sickness.

Rick gets closer to Michonne and says, “If we could just have a few more years like this; quiet ones. For her sake and ours.” 

I really love that it’s been made clear multiple times throughout this series that Rick’s ideal life would consist of just getting peaceful time with Michonne and their family. 

Just like he wanted a few more days in 7x12, here he expresses wanting a few more years to have beautiful moments like this family fun day. The type of day they’re having and have clearly had in the last year and a half is the type of life he wants Judith to grow up with.

It’s sweet that he says for her sake but also for theirs. Of course they want Judith to have the best and happiest life possible, but I appreciate that Rick wants that for him and Michonne too. “And ours”. They’re married, y’all. 🙌🏽💯

I feel like this line is also meant to allude to the fact that raising a new baby in a world that can finally be quiet and tranquil would be great for them and their expanding family. Like he’s saying, if we can have peaceful years like this, then our babies (plural!!) will really be able to thrive.

I’m just glad Rick was written to be so expressive of loving his time with Michonne and their family this season. Like any chance he gets he’s giving her his focus and expressing his love and appreciation both verbally and non verbally. 

It also just makes me think about how, in Carl’s final moments. Carl shared his vision of the future with R&M and one of the things he envisioned is that “Michonne is happy.” That’s something that was important to Carl and has been important to Rick for a long time too. Rick promised Carl he’d make everything in Carl’s vision real and I feel like making Michonne happy has been a priority to Rick this season, after having to go on his own grieving journey last season. 

With this deleted scene, I love that Rick somewhat randomly brings up how what he wants is to live out his years just like this with them. Years, y’all. 🙌🏽 That’s significant cuz in the past nobody had the luxury to think in terms of years, TF was just trying to survive and make it to the next day. But this really does show how sustainable life’s become, that Rick can now talk in terms of years and that he wants that much time to not just survive but really live and enjoy life with his family.

Michonne of course agrees and says yeah. And it’s emotional cuz this is all both of them want. As hard as they’ve fought to survive and as much as they’ve been through, all they want is to be able to put that aside and live life as a family.

And then as they both smile watching Judith, who is their little light, Rick takes Michonne’s hand. I absolutely adore this. 🥰 

One; I adore that they hold hands any chance they get and two; just the act is so sweet, especially because I feel like this is Rick at his most happy and content. And I feel like him taking her hand emphasizes the “and ours” part cuz he’s like this right here, watching our daughter is perfect and also this right here being with you is what makes it perfect too. So he wants Michonne to know that she’s his light and hope in this as well. 😌 

He takes her hand also to just serve as yet another reminder that no matter what happens they’re in it together. The world has a tendency to scream at them a lot but they know they can withstand whatever would come at them in these coming years. 

And this couple is balanced cuz he takes her hand in this moment to offer comfort and then as we saw in the actual episode, Michonne does the same when she takes his hand to offer comfort before he goes. I love the parallel of that cuz it illustrates how they both equally offer each other this comfort and unity. 

I was just looking at Rick and Michonne and Judith together at this picnic like...

Like Rick knows he’s got the best wife and that with all the work the two of them have put in to making this world civil again, he believes they’ll be able to rest and enjoy it. 

He also knows that they’re taking a huge step and investment in believing this world will be at peace, by agreeing to bring a kid into all this. I love that in this moment it’s the two of them, as this unbreakable unit and as this unmatched love, ready to take on the future together. 👏🏽👏🏽😊

So the final deleted scene from this episode is one with Rick and Carol. They all split up with people they trust so Rick pairs with Carol. As they walk Rick notices Carol’s engagement ring and says, “It looks good.” And I was like, Rick there’s another woman who a ring would look real good on too. 👌

Rick goes on to tell Carol how he’s happy for her that she found a good person and the right person in all this. And it’s sweet that he’s taking time out to address this and express his fondness for Carol and Ezekiel. He personally knows how fortunate finding that someone special is, so he’s happy Carol’s experiencing some of what he’s gotten to experience. 

And Carol’s a real one cuz she tells Rick, “You too.” in regards to him finding Michonne. I seriously love that she tells Rick he found the right person for him cuz...

And Rick also was thinking in his head “facts” at the moment, cuz he just looks so proud and certain when he lifts up his head and shoulders and confidently says, “Yeah, I did.” 😋

I’m beyond here for this moment and I really wish it would’ve made the cut. It’s already nice to cement he found a good person in all this but the part I love most is “the right person”. Rick knows he is with the right person. He’s with the one. 

I also wish this scene had made the cut because one thing I had been wanting is for outside characters to acknowledge Rick and Michonne as a couple more. It really hasn’t been since 6x11 where characters really made note of Richonne. And granted it’s not like it has to be the talk of the town but still. 

And it means a lot for Carol to be the one to say this cuz Carol was in season one. She’s known Rick a long time and she knew Lori. So for Carol to be like “Rick, we both upgraded in this apocalypse” is great and it’s true. 💯😋 

I love that Rick gets to acknowledge to someone that he found the right person. He found the person he was meant for and who was meant for him. And he proudly knows it. 

Him and Carol know he’s got the baddest chick in the game. Amen. So Rick says “Yeah I did” but y’all that translates to...

#DirectQuote from the famous Rick Grime’s mind lol.

This moment also reminds me of when Morales ran into Rick in season eight and was surprised to learn that Glenn had found a wife in all this. And Rick was able to acknowledge both there and now how that’s possible, because he’s living out a story where he found his soul mate in all this too. 

It’s great that he so happily and naturally expresses this, especially after the day he’d had with Michonne. Like this is coming off of the beautiful morning he’s had with her and the family fun day they spent together and so he’s especially thinking about how he’s got the right one and the best one and is proud to declare it.

And then Carol smiles and says, “Who’d have thought?” cuz it is quite a whirlwind to think one could find the love of their life in all this, especially after such a tumultuous first relationship, but for Rick that’s exactly what happened.

(Side note: I miss seeing Carol with this haircut. Hopefully she goes back to this style cuz if they’re going to take down Alpha then…they betta call Carol with the short hair 😂.)

In the part of this scene that did make the cut, Rick confides in Carol and tells her that every morning he wakes up and has this moment of wanting to walk down and kill Negan and just finish off the saviors and how in that moment it’s all he wants. I like the significance of this line because we saw what he actually did in his morning which is connect with his family. 

It shows that while he may wake up with a rage towards Negan, he instead turns his attention towards all the good in his life. He turns to Michonne, and Judith, and Carl and then he’s reminded of what’s more important than killing his enemy. His family brings him back. 😌

Rick says he thinks about everyone they’ve lost and how he has to honor them. (Although call me crazy but I low key think Abraham and Glenn would be honored to have someone kill Negan and keep him from messing with anyone else lol. 👀) And Rick says he knows it’s time to build life not take it which is exactly what he and Michonne are doing and have done. 

I appreciate that 9x03 was such a blessing, even the deleted scenes had prime Richonne content. 🙌🏽

And it’s great hearing Rick verbally confirm what we all been knew and that’s that; Rick and Michonne got the right one. 😊💯🎉

gifs source: @michonnegrimes

[endwalkr]

this is an ask based thingy but im really in the mood to infodump so im just gonna answer them all under the cut !

Favorite video game?

starting off with the absolute hardest question huh? i can’t possibly name ONE favorite game of mine because i adore my favorites for many different reasons. my overall favorite video game is ffxv or botw. ffxv because it has brought me so much joy for such a long time, and because i have such a connection with the characters. botw because i was actually in the fandom when it first got announced in 2016 so i got to be there when the hype was at an all time high– and finally being able to play the game after waiting for so long was an unforgettable experience. i have more favorite games but ill talk more about them in the ‘’special place in ur heart’’ question.

First console you owned?

my first console wasn’t a console. my friend and i used to play on her nintendo dsi all the time and at one point tiny little me reeeally wanted one of my own so i saved up and got one in [redacted] when i was 7. my first actual console was a wii though, we got that around the same time.

A game that holds a special place in your heart?

ffxv and botw mean the absolute world to me, but super mario galaxy and skyward sword are very important to me too. skyward sword is the game that got me into zelda which got me into anime which got me into final fantasy etc etc etc.  super mario galaxy was the first non-mini game collection and more adventure story-ish game i played. i was so proud when i beat it for the first time and mario was my first ever ‘’fandom’’ :’) 

Favorite video game character?

bro. i cant pick just one so i’ll choose one per game : prompto, ryuji and link. they were all my comfort characters at some point and i projected like crazy onto them. this doesnt mean that i wouldnt absolutely die for noct or zelda. 

Least favorite video game character?

i dont think theres anyone i distinctly dislike? i always talk about hating ardyn but that’s because he’s just a salty bitch. as a character i think he’s a great villain and i rly love him. i honestly always end up liking everyone somehow, maybe there is someone i just forgot about but i cant remember at all. 

Favorite genre?

adventure games, or action rpgs. 

Video game character you’ve had a crush on?

every character ever, but i distinctly remember the moment i fell in love with prompto sjghfkshd i was watching a playthrough of xv in december 2016 because i didnt have a ps4, and the guy got to the scene in galdin quay where the bros learn insomnia fell. i had watched about 6 hours of the game by that time and wasn’t particularly interested in the characters but not uninterested enough to drop it. i hadnt even gotten a good look at the characters faces yet, so when the camera zoomed in on prompto when he said ‘’might not be save for us here!’’ i noticed he had freckles. oh god. oh fuck. oh my god hes fucking cute. oh my god better watch 30 hours of this game now

First video game you remember playing?

wayyy before i got my own gaming systems, my then-best friend had a gamecube in her attic. i was around 5 or 6 at the time. whenever i was over at her house and we didnt know what to do, she’d sometimes propose to play ‘’mario kart’’. important is that we are dutch, and i was a literal child. i thought mario KART meant it was a fucking card game, so i always declined whenever she asked. on one fateful day, i finally gave in and was pleasantly surprised it was in fact not a card game, but a viddy game. so we played mario kart double dash. (…i had never played a video game in my life besides browser flash games and was Very Very bad)

Age you started gaming?

so i played my first video game that i didnt own when i was about 5 or 6. then i got my first supply of games at age 7/8, but i dont really consider that time to be when i started ‘’gaming’’. i’d say that was when i started mario galaxy, so i’ve been playing video games for real (ie. story adventure games with boss battles) for about 6 years now.

Hardest video game you’ve played?

this is gonna sound stupid, but the witcher 3. there’s like 7 difficulties and i played on the EASIEST and still had a hard time, i just couldnt get used to the combat. i had the same problem with assassin’s creed syndicate, but after about 10 hours i actually knew what i was doing, and ive played the witcher longer than that and still am clueless. this is kind of an unpopular opinion but i dont particularly like that game

Video game you’ve spent the most time on?

i guess i am what you’d call a casual gamer; i really like video games but during a normal school week i only game for like 2-6 hours. most of the time i dont play for like 2 weeks if im busy. gaming has kind of taken over my life not because i play so much but because i get so emotionally invested lol i’m currently on summer break and even now im not playing a lot because of exhaustion and executive dysfunction. this derailed slightly but the game i’ve played the most despite my casual gamer status is …. … …. ffxv. surprise, right? the runner up is botw, but xv wins by a landslide. 630+ hours. botw is 350. my main save in ffxv is almost 200 hours i think. damn. i really managed to keep myself entertained with that game… (………i was thinking recently, since the loading screens in xv are so long, how much of this total amount was spent watching screens. i imagine it’s several hours, especially if you fast travel a lot.)

Most embarrassing gaming moment?

many moments in my gaming experience are embarrassing, but a more recent one: i was in xv’s postgame, beating some dungeons on my new save file. i had just finished daurell caverns and hadn’t saved in about 2 hours. (uh oh) i was driving around in the regalia type d and got to the big cliff near lestallum, and remembered someone made a gif of jumping in there so i wanted to try it too. i imagined the game would just put me back on the road, like it does when you crash into something. except it didnt. i got a game over. where was my last save? 2 hours back all the way in hammerhead. yippee.

Scariest video game you’ve played?

i never play horror games, cuz for me games are supposed to be relaxing experiences. no hate towards horror games of course, they just stress me out. the only time ive played horror is when friday the 13th was for free on ps+, and my friends really wanted to play it. (theyre kinda addicted to it now. huh) they had already gotten over the initial fear of having jason chase you, but i was still terrified. i can play the game without getting scared now tho. the horror sound effects just rly freaked me out at first jhsdkghsd

Most memorable gaming moment?

playing breath of the wild for the first time, or beating it for the first time. both experiences were filled to the brim with excitement and nostalgia. seeing botw as a blank slate, a world for you to explore, having no idea where you’re going… that was pretty incredible. now i know every nook and cranny of the map, so i wish i could play it for the first time again. i was so incredibly immersed. beating it was insane. i cried for 30 minutes and the end wasnt even sad, i was just so amazed at the fact that i was really here, playing breath of the wild, it was really real. the fucking main theme in the background (which i cannot for the life of me listen to without crying) didnt help with my emotions sgkdjh

Video game character you wish you could meet in real life?

…………..its prompto again. maybe 2017 me …. was .. kind of a kinnie

PC, Xbox, Playstation, or Nintendo?

i dont care about console wars at all, but i think hardware-wise, pc is the best, because if you have a good pc you can basically do anything. i however do not, so i just play on consoles. ive never particularly liked xbox, so i only play ps4 and nintendo. not the switch though. its kinda petty, but my best friend and i really dont like the switch djghks

Gaming company you’re most loyal to?

none. i used to call myself a nintendo nerd (oh my god…. i m. gonna die) in like 2015 but since the switch came out and since i got a ps4 they kinda lost me. i still like their game series of course, but as a company i don’t care for them. the only reason i see square enix as one of ‘’my’’ gaming companies is because ffxv took up like 70% of my gaming experience, but besides final fantasy i don’t really love them too much either.

If you could only play one video game for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

atm i’m really into ffxiv because theres just so much to do, but that’s just a new, possibly temporary interest. if i had to choose, i’d say botw. maybe i’d say ffxv, but i feel like running around doing nothing in that game isnt very fun, because the world is sorta empty after completing every quest and getting to level 120. in botw, just fucking around on your horse is still really relaxing and nice. 

Do you use strategy guides?

yup. in certain games i try to avoid them but i usually end up stuck or in need of advice. i couldn’t have gotten so many p5 trophies if not for the internet lol

How often do you use cheats?

never, simply because the games i play often do not have cheats. unless im playing the sims and are in need of a motherlode, i dont use them.

Competitive or single player?

single player. im bad at video games and like to do stuff at my own pace. online multiplayer can be fun every now and then in games like mario kart 8 or splatoon, and i also like teamwork stuff like ffxiv or comrades. but ultimately, i prefer playing on my own.

Video game character you want to/have cosplayed?

have never cosplayed, dont have plans to either, but it would be fun to cosplay link. omg. i just remembered i have that fucking chocomoogle shirt… sorry link im gonna slap on some sasuke hair, black jeans and ugly sneakers 

Ever go to a video game convention?

i have not, i have however gone to three (3) video game concerts which is basically the same thing. 

Hardest boss fight you’ve been in?

the hardest bosses for me are usually the ones with a gimmick. you have to use a certain item or tactic to beat them or something. other hard fights for me are when you fight someone with a similar skill set. (in ffxv, this happens twice, once with the iggy-noct sparring match and once against ardyn. somehow, the final boss was easier than getting the prince to eat vegetables.) i don’t know an actual example of THE hardest boss fight ive been in though. at the time, the first bowser battle in mario galaxy was the hardest thing in the universe and i got stuck for like a month. currently, i’m having trouble with the riku-ansem fight in kh1. 

Video game you wish you could burn from your memory?

the zelda cdi games? no, i dont really know. i dont hate a game so much that i’d want to forget about it altogether, but i dont exactly love ocarina of time that much. it hasnt aged well and playing it on the gamecube for the first time in 2015 wasnt a good idea. im sure it was revolutionary at the time, but i cant handle the outdated controls gsdgksjs 

Favorite gaming series?

see, i love ffxv itself more than the entirety of the zelda series, but i dont love ff as a SERIES more than the zelda games. so if were talking series, zelda for sure. i fucking love those games and they mean a lot to me. 

Do you skip tutorials, or find them useful?

i often skip them because i cant pay attention, but then find that i need them anyway. so i usually do skim through them. 

Best online gaming experience?

one really good one happened a few days ago in ffxiv, some guy and i exchanged emotes for like 30 minutes and it ended with us becoming friends on psn :’) ppl dont usually emote back at me in that game so this was really wholesome and nice gjshksdj 

Worst online gaming experience?

i dont really have a worst? theyre more annoying. think try harders in gta online killing you 15 times in a row because they want to show you how good they are or something. magically, online gaming hasnt been too hard on me (mainly because i dont game online that much)

Why do you game?

it brings me joy. it’s a fun way of relaxing, while being stimulated at the same time. games have meant a great deal to me the past 6 years and i wouldnt want to lose them for the world.

[bubble-tea-bunny]

fire on the walls

[erik killmonger x reader]

author’s note: okay so like i was gonna write for t’challa tonight but then i was listening to this song and got an idea for erik that i wanted to write out like immediately lol. that t’challa idea is up next tho, when i have time to write it, because my second math midterm is this week (i’m dying). hope you enjoy reading this ^^

word count: 2,053

His arms are stretched over the back of the couch and he’s watching Netflix on his laptop. The light of the lamp casts a soft glow over his face and you’re hardly paying attention to what he’s got pulled up. Why watch that when you can watch him? You’re sitting up against the arm of the sofa, facing him, knees drawn up so you can brace your sketchbook against a steady surface. Your pencil is hovering over a page still blank, but it won’t be for long. The drawing comes to you easily, as you glance up at the man in front of you and return your eyes to the paper. This is not the first time you have drawn him. Far from the first, far from the last. And at this point there’s no need to look up to know what lines you must draw next, what points you must shade, because the image of him is burned into your brain. A perpetual muse. One to call your own.

While the next episode loads, it’s silent for a few seconds, and he can hear the glide of pencil over paper. Deliberate strokes, long and fluid. Purposeful. A new masterpiece for the evening. He’s told you before that the two of you should hang your works on the walls, like your own little museum. The intro sequence starts playing as Erik looks over at you and grins.

“What are you drawing?” He has a sneaking suspicion of what it could be.

You smile back but don’t say anything, and his own widens because he definitely does know. You crawl over to sit next to him, and you turn your sketchbook around so he can see. And the breath leaves his lungs like it does every time because you’re immortalizing him on these pages. You call them no big deal but he calls them magnum opuses, each and every one. He takes the sketchbook so he can look at the drawing more closely and you study his face as he does. Because it can’t be helped: he’s a work of art all on his own, and you’re filling up your sketchbooks with all the little parts of him that make him so special because you want to know how to make something like that. He’s David on the pedestal, carved from marble and timeless, made to be admired in perpetuity.

He tells you that you were born in the wrong century. He calls you Renaissance woman, and the blood which flows through your veins magic. It always makes you bashful when he says these things and he can never get enough of that. And every time it happens, he wants to get closer to you, to feel the heat of your skin against his lips. You sketchbook sits on the table next to his laptop, and the episode has been playing but it goes ignored as he guides you to lay down across the cushions, and he’s above you, murmuring that he can be an artist too, and you’re the blank page, the block of marble waiting for someone to set you free.

He glides along your curves with his hands and his mouth. And he whispers praises, says you’re the one carved by gods, kept in their company, and he’s ascending the steps to their home above the clouds, finds you in those high places to steal you away. Because he will give you more than they ever could, ever would. He’s mesmerized by the bliss washing over your face, the flush of your cheeks and furrow of your brow. He swallows your moans like they’re the one thing keeping him alive and he laces his fingers with yours above your head. You’re a goddess of your own, and he’s come to the temple to worship.

Life’s a blur of oil painted mornings and watercolored evenings. It’s perfect. Paint stains your overalls and your face and your hair and Erik doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything more beautiful. He watches you work at your easel one afternoon, and of course you can feel him staring, but there aren’t many chances to be incorrect when he always seems to be observing you. You smile lopsidedly and his chest tightens, and you ask him what’s up. He shrugs and smiles back, and tells you Nothing. Just remembering. That’s it. He’s memorizing what it’s like here in this space, how whole he feels even though he has a love for you so intense it’s breaking his heart in two. Though he supposes that doesn’t matter too much when you’re the stitches bringing the halves together again.

The wrong crowd drifts down the river and Erik is standing on the edge, dipping in his toes and wondering where that current will lead. He says they make good money off the black market deals they do. But that doesn’t matter to you. You’re doing everything you can to convince him that it’s a bad idea, and not worth the trouble. He smiles softly at you but he can’t stay away. It’s the storm he wants to chase. And he kisses your forehead and tells you it’ll be okay. You don’t say it out loud, but you know it won’t be.

You end up being right. It takes up his mind, his focus, and you’re not quite sure you know him anymore. You try to, try to find your Erik on those nights you’re in bed and the lights are off and it’s only the lights of the city peeking in through the window that illuminates his face, so you can see his eyes. You’re above him this time, dictating the pace. And you’re basking in his groans and heavy breaths. He kisses you and you’re desperate to bring him back to you, before it might be too late. You want the river to take pity and carry him home. It doesn’t.

Seen in here last night—a beautiful body. You’re alone in the midst of messy bedsheets come morning. And you sit there, wondering where it all went downhill.

Sometimes you go to the museum on the other side of the city, in search of some sort of comfort you can no longer find in your own home, amongst your own art. Maybe you’ll find your inspiration there, because the fact is things are going to be different now, and you need to adjust. You stand in front of a painting of the nine Muses but you don’t feel any surge of creativity. You feel numb. And your heart aches for the tenth, because you know he’s out there, running away with your imagination.

You dream of him one evening. You’re at the river together and you’re sitting on a rock. He turns to you and tells you Come with me, and he holds out his hand. It’s instinct that drives you to reach out your hand, because you trust him, and your fingertips brush together. It’s the Creation of Adam in the middle of a make-believe forest. And it’s beautiful for a moment, but then you retract your hand. There could be no good things down the road he was headed. Erik’s crestfallen expression at your wordless rejection is so genuine that you think maybe this had really happened, and it wasn’t just in your head.

But you wake up in bed, alone, like usual these days. And it’s while you lay there, heart squeezing as you remember dream Erik’s quiet sigh and saddened frown, that you understand it’s time to move on.

Art doesn’t have the same spark but it’s good enough. At first, you tried to convince yourself that given some time, the beauty of art would recover its original wonder. But you know deep down that could never be the case. So you settle. Good enough. Your soul learns to live with that.

A new exhibit opens at the museum. It’s early on a weekday when you stop by to see it, so it’s only you in here, footsteps echoing off the wooden floors. There’s faint interest as you walk past the paintings and the sculptures, and you read the little information placards beside each of them. You call it all beautiful but you don’t feel the pull in your chest, not like you used to. There used to be so much weight to that word. Now it’s feathers in the wind.

You’re standing in front of a painting only half-analyzing it. You stare at the textures and note the colors but you’re not very invested. You remain there anyway like maybe you’ll feel something eventually, and the footfalls of another occupant coming in are easily ignored. It would’ve been nice to have the place to yourself, but you can’t always get what you want.

The other person makes their rounds slowly, like you did, and their route brings them to the painting you’re observing. You hope they move on soon. But they don’t.

“Still a fan of coming here early, I see,” Erik comments with a familiar teasing lilt.

It’s a voice you never thought you’d hear again. You inhale silently, trying to maintain your composure. But the truth is you want to cry because it’s a voice you missed like no other. And you thought you had a handle on the whole idea of moving on, but it’s all gone to shit now that he’s here. Maybe it was art and he’s ruining it, but it’s not. It was never art. It was the ugliest thing you’d ever made but you made it to protect yourself. He’s tearing it down now, looking at you as if inquiring if you really want him to stop.

You glance up at him. He still looks the same, but you know he isn’t. You ask him what he’s doing here, and he says he was looking for you at the base of Olympus but you were nowhere to be found. So he went up there again, to see you on a throne, the name of Aphrodite branded into your skin. And he knew as he watched you there that he couldn’t stay away forever.

The words soften your resolution as they’ve always been able to do, and your hungry soul is clawing for them. But you go against it as you shake your head, and Erik’s brows furrow in confusion. You’re not the one you used to be. It’s a gently spoken statement, like you’re trying not to disturb the air.

Erik sighs and reaches up a hand to hold your face, and he’s reveling in the feel of your soft skin. His thumb strokes the curve of the high point of your cheek. He knows you’re not made of bone, but marble, breathed into and given life. He assures you he’s still your muse. Your Adonis. Your Vitruvian Man. And he’s here to stay now—that’s a promise.

You’re doing your best not to give in because you know he’s still floating down that river, and he has no plans of emerging. But as you look up at him, the world seems more vibrant again, and there are embers in your chest coming to life. Your veins and your mind seem to creak, stiff from going unused for so long. Now, they tell you, they’re ready to get to work again. To take your visions and make them real. And it’s exhilarating, a sensation difficult to push away.

Maybe you were foolish for trying to move on. You need him and he needs you. You’re the artist looking for your inspiration, around street corners and at the top of the highest buildings. And he’s the muse wandering aimlessly, searching for a home, only to find you again, because the fact is you handle him best.

You’re about to say okay and let him in, but the affirmation never makes its way out into the open, never makes it past your lips. It doesn’t matter though because Erik can see it in your gaze. He smiles, his hand repositioning so he can hold your chin with thumb and index, to ensure your head is angled towards him. And he whispers Can I kiss you like this, baby as he leans in close, and you breathe out a yes. Your soul hums. Satisfied once more.

[starliightxo]

✨ Holly Discography & OOC Meanings ✨

Storytelling = songs not written about her life but a story she made up

Red

1. State Of Grace ~ for Haley

2. Red ~ (Storytelling) Comparing love and emotions to colours

3. Treacherous ~ Park

4. I Knew You Were Trouble ~ Park

5. All Too Well ~ Adrian

6. 22 ~ Just a feel good, having fun song

7. I Almost Do ~ Adrian

8. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together ~ (Storytelling) just a catchy get stuck in your head song, are specifically to be a single to get attention

9. Stay Stay Stay ~ Adrian

10. The Last Time ~ (storytelling) but in a way it's about her parents and begging them to put her first when it comes to them taking Haley. Because they never considered her in all their choices and it broke her.

11. Holy Ground ~ Adrian

12. Sad Beautiful Tragic ~ Adrian

13. The Lucky One ~ Herself discovering that starting to be known and fame isn't exactly what people expect

14. Everything Has Changed ~ (storytelling)

15. Starlight (co-written with Soraya) ~ for Soraya

16. Begin Again ~ meeting Adrian again after the 4 year gap

17. The Moment I Knew ~ a birthday she spent just after she had Haley and longing for Adrian to come back even though she knew her parents wouldn't have even let him through the door even if he had. But it's not nearly as bitter @ him as the song suggests

18. Come Back... Be Here ~ Adrian

19. Girl At Home ~ (storytelling) girls supporting girls

Fifteen (EP)

(the EP based off the songs she wrote in school/post losing adrian)

1. Love Story ~ Adrian

2. Fearless ~ Adrian

3. Fifteen ~ Herself and kind of a message to Haley to put her dreams first

4. You Belong With Me ~ Adrian/Paisley but lowkey any girl taking interest in him. I.e. margo etc.

5. Better Than Revenge ~ Paisley/Margo

6. Last Kiss ~ Adrian

7. Enchanted ~ Adrian when they met again at St Judes. their first official date was at a ball esque thingy

8. Ours ~ about Adrian @ her parents and the disapproval

9. Mine ~ Adrian (Storytelling) what she imagined

Safe And Sound (EP)

(The EP about/for haley)

1. Safe And Sound ~ a lullaby for haley

2. Innocent ~ about herself in a way and trying to forgive herself for hr mistakes when it came to haley and the choices she make but also reminding her that she could stay innocent and young for as long as possible

3. Never Grow Up ~ wishing she doesn't grow up too fast because she very much did and it was terrifying

4. Untouchable ~ How haley's kept away from her

5. Breathe ~ the follow on from untouchable and not being able to breathe without her

Welcome To New York

1. Welcome To New York ~ Her love for the city and dreaming of living there

2. Blank Space ~ (Storytelling)

3. Style ~ Adrian

4. Out Of The Woods ~ the aftermath of (tw) the rape and holly fighting to get out of the dark place and there's obviously hints of Adrian in there being with her through it

5. All You Had To Do Was Stay ~ Soraya & Dallas (storytelling)

6. Shake It Off ~ speaks for itself basically for her fans

7. I Wish You Would ~ Adrian after he disappeared when she first got pregnant and they separated

8. Bad Blood ~ Anyone against her and labelling her as the mean girl. She went very theatrical and played on it. Although everyone thinks it's specifically about Hensley, she was just one name on a long list

9. Wildest Dreams ~ back when she first started at St Judes and met Julian again, his was another sing based on their first date at the ball-esque event

10. How You Get The Girl ~ at Dallas about Soraya

11. This Love ~ Adrian

12. I Know Places ~ wanting to hide from the insider and paps and opinions whether it's with Adrian or on her own.

13. Clean ~ The last song she wrote for the album and it's about (tw) the rape. It was the first thing she ever wrote about it so it's extremely personal

14. Wonderland ~ (storytelling)

15. You Are In Love ~ Adrian

16 . New Romantics ~ St Judes/Monroe life

Reputation

1. Ready For It? ~ preparing for battle in a way. this was one of if not her biggest album and it was all about her fighting back and taking control of her public narrative. She wrote/sang about things you'd never expect and said ings you'd never expect so it's getting ready for that

2. End Game ~ Adrian

3. I Did Something Bad ~ Everyone who did her wrong and called her the mean girl

4. Don't Blame Me ~ Adrian

5. Delicate ~ Adrian

6. Look What You Made Me Do ~ are you ready for it 2.0

7. So It Goes... ~ Adrian

8. Gorgeous ~ Adrian/Haley/Soraya

9. Getaway Car ~ Park

10. King Of My Heart ~ Adrian

11. Dancing With Our Hands Tied ~ Adrian

12. Dress ~ Adrian

13. This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things ~ about the shit she gets for winning awards

14. Call It What You Want ~ Adrian and their relationship but it's aimed at their parents

15. New Years Day ~ painting a nice picture of new years day (because She was (tw) raped on new years eve night just before midnight) and basically how Adrian was there for her the day after and picked her back up

Lover

1. I Forgot That You Existed ~ anyone not on her side and lowkey about the guy who r*ped her. Although that's on her mind a lot, this would have been her when she's enjoying her time with someone and she forgets for one night. Or how she wishes she could forget about him for good.

2. Cruel Summer ~ probably her brief rebound of a relationship with park tbh and she convinced herself it was love to try and make herself feel better about the guilt. But ultimately they both knew it wasn't good or going to work.

3. Lover ~ about Holly and Adrian finally being in complete control of their relationship but still having insecure moments where she worries about losing him, but he's there every time. It speaks for itself mainly tbh.

4. The Man ~ the feminist jumped out LOL she aimed for this one to be relatable in every sense cause she knows it's a very common topic. But some things jump out from her own experiences like: "when everyone believes ya, what's that like?" About the r*ape trial.

5. The Archer ~ I love how holly it is 😩 reflecting on how she handled certain situations like things with hensley (bad blood) and how she's made a lot of mistakes. And being lowkey terrified she'll lose people because of it. I think mainly Adrian and Soraya tbh.

6. I Think He Knows ~ Adrian

7. Miss Americana And The Heartbreak Prince ~ about the negative affects caused by st Jude's and "fame" and having Adrian there through it all. The second first specifically would be about the night of the r*pe and when she told Adrian and he was the one of the only ones who cared what the truth was. Personally I think this is the most holly song on the album! I knew exactly what she'd write it about as soon as I heard it lol

8. Paper Rings ~ Adrian

8. Cornelia Street ~ kinda Begin Again 2.0 for holly and it basically being about that first time she saw Adrian again after they're 4 years apart and the fear she had of losing them/him again. I especially feel the line "It's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend"

9. Death By A Thousand Cuts (storytelling)

10. London Boy ~ her dream has always been to live in New York so she's kinda made herself new York in this album and Adrian's the London boy, even though he isn't English LOL? but their relationship lives in London basically. And she loves NY but she'd go wherever he is instead.

11. Soon You'll Get Better ft The Dixie Chicks ~ Soraya's health problems, how much her wellbeing means to holly and how desperately she needs her to just be okay all the time.

12. False god ~ I picture her breakup with Adrian back when she was pregnant and they were kids. How it all went to shit but that small hope still there "We might just get away with it." She probably would have taken snippets from old journals back from that time for this.

13. You Need To Calm Down ~ It's about ever form of love

14. Afterglow ~ this one hits me so much and cause I'm so invested in holly and adrian, hurts my heart. Basically apologising for hurting him ever, mainly with Park. But lowkey the r*pe thing too. Even tho he'd never be mad or blame her for that, she blamed herself at one point. And She panics regularly that it would ruin them.

15. ME! ~ a confidence boost for herself, her friends and her fans.

16. It's Nice To Have A Friend ~ being in love with your best friend. Also how I picture her and Adrian starting out in school.

17. Daylight ~ about how her and Adrian both had other things while they weren't together, but since they got back together, it was like stepping back into the daylight and nothing can be as perfect as that feeling they have with each other. They never really had it with anyone else.

Folklore

1. The 1 ~ (storytelling)

2. Cardigan ~ recently holly has defo felt kind of forgotten about and falling into the shadows. And as always, Adrian is slowly started to pull her out of her dark place.

3. The Last Great American Dynasty ~ awhile ago Adrian bought them a kind of holiday home and she wrote a story about the previous owner (storytelling)

4. Exile ft Bon Iver ~ the last song she wrote for the album. Her and Adrian recently broke up and have one of if not their biggest arguments and this was about that

5. My Tears Ricochet ~ Her Parents

6. Mirrorball ~ about being what the media want you to be and being perfect and when you fall and break they watch as if it's entertainment

7. Seven ~ (storytelling) a childhood friendship where one is suffering (tw) in am abusive household and the other wants to rescue them. It's also about wanting to stay young as long as possible and when we stopped doing the little things only children get away with

8. August ~ Park

9. This Is Me trying ~ Herself and her struggle to hold it all together. She defo would have had that moment of being on the edge of a cliff and having the moment she decided to back away from it

10. Illicit Affairs ~ Park

11. Invisible String ~ Adrian

12. Mad Woman ~ Herself and women in general

13. Epiphany ~ (storytelling) a couple/people during world war 2

14. Betty ~ (storytelling)

15. Peace ~ for Adrian

16. Hoax ~ (storytelling)

17. The Lakes ~ wanting to run away but of course only with Adrian

Other Songs

Back To December

Sparks Fly

Mean

Long Live

Beautiful Ghosts

Christmas Tree Farm

I Don't Wanna Live Forever

Babe ft Sugarland

Only The Young

[swearronchanel]

6.08, my last commentary™ R I P to me

I wanted to post this right away but my phone died and I broke my charger so I had to handle that but now I’m finally able to. I’m literally dead, I STILL can not process how amazing it was. So I’ll just get on with it post my earlier thoughts  

¡¡TODAY IS THE DAY AHH!! IM FREAKING LATE KILL ME

BUT HOW ARE WE ALREADY HERE? IM NOT READY FOR THIS SERIES TO END BUT I NEED TO SEE SHELGAH *SAFELY* GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BABY. ANYWAY IM LITERALLY GOING TO DIE AFTER THIS EPISODE SO ENJOY THE FINAL THOUGHTS OF MY LIFE, LETS GET IT ..

MY HEART IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE ITS BEATING SO FAST

TBH I MIGHT SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

SCREW THESE CREDITS BUT I NEED THEM BC IM NOT READY OMG

IM SCREAMING

aw baby! & hey val

Does this mean Delia had No letters from pats this whole time??

MY BBY SHELAGH OMG HER BELLY

SHE CANT REACH HER SHOE OMG SO PRECIOUS THOUGH

Sister MJ I love u 😭😂

Family planning clinic!

YES VAL! they’re women not criminals !!

YES TRIXIE THANKS BBY FOR SPEAKING UP

aww poor Barbara

“..There are tales of missionaries served for luncheon in those climes” LMAO OMG SISTER MJ THATS NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS TO HEAR RIGHT NOW

It’s so sweet that Babs really wants her dad, I feel. My grandfather officiated my parents’ and brother’s wedding, I hope he does mine. If someone wants to marry me one day ofc lol 😂😭

SHELAGH IS ACTUALLY YELLING .. WHY DO I LOVE IT?

All the shit she’s been through/delt with and pregnancy sets her off huh..

BUT TRIXE AND SHEALGH INTERACTING YESS NOT THE WAY I WANTED BUT ILL TAKE IT FOR NOW

AWW MY BBY CRYING SOMEONE HUG HER 😭😭💕💕

MY BBY TRIXIE IS SMIRKING AT MY OTHER BBY LOL STOP 😭😭💔

“Hot and bothered” 😭😂 Violet having hot flashes. That’s not funny but i giggled I’m sorry immature of me

I can’t imagine being around when the pill was just coming out(or antibiotics even) like that must have been so wild ? you really would think they were magic *remember Vanessa Redgrave saying that in series 2?*

my mom is a nurse at a gyn/fertility office and she informed me of so much at a young age lol maybe that’s why I’m so curious idk?

lol I remember being like 13 and my friends didn’t know there was more than just the pill when it came to birth control and I really felt I was an expert😂 but *a judge’s voice* irrelevance moving on.

Needing your husbands permisson for a bank account? *sucks teeth* Vete ya!

Aw my bby shelagh 💔💔😭

“And I’ll warrant you’ve never felt more scared” I AM! AND THIS ISNT EVEN MY FICTIONAL PREGNANCY

“Oh lass“😭 PHYLLIS COMFORTING HER OMG I AM CRYING ALREADY, I NEVER KNEW I WANTED THIS

"Phyllis you’ve been a real friend” IM NOT OKAY OMG, THEY’VE COME SO FAR I CRY

OMG SHELAGH BEING SO CUTE WTF OMGGG 💖

PROTECT MY BBY & HER BABY AT ALL COSTS 💕💕

THE NONNATUNs CHEERING SO PURE 😭

“What if something goes wrong?” stop tempting fate Patrick !!

“I’ve made up my mind” MY BBY I CANT DEAL .. once upon a time she couldn’t speak up and was so timid 😭 my bby has grown

Her lipstick is a nice color, wait what’s this lady’s name?

The nurses all together makes me so happy omg why is this so adorable, even Phyllis is there !! SO PURE💕

Lol poor Fred tries his best !

Damn secondment to st Cuthberts, I guess Trixie couldn’t even be considered for to be Shelagh’s midwife

SHELAGH IN THE CARDIGAN >>

OF COURSE SHE CHOSE SISTER JULIENNE WE WOULDN’T HAVE ACCEPTED IT ANY OTHER WAY

“‘MY DEAR” BRB DROWNING IN TEARS

but omg was Phyllis disappointed 😭 no don’t be hurt that’s her basically her mother! (sister j and Phyllis would’ve been a good tag team though)

this montage just reminds me brb #irresponsibleme

Future Hereward’s take a note from the Turners, find out about each other sooner rather than later

LOL TOM’S AWKWARD FACE BC BABS IS GETTING CONTRACEPTION

it’s Wilma! her name is Wilma, noted.

Lol what does she sell? Is the company like Avon ? 😂I’m confused but also screaming too much internally

poor Babs is so nervous and feeling awkward 😂

Her face while on the bed😂 I feel

LMAO BABS TAKING OUT THE DIAPHRAGM & DROPPING IT HA

BUT WAIT THAT WAS THE TURNERS BATHROOM WTF ??

Patrick putting on or tying Shelagh’s shoes my fucking heart is melting

She doesn’t want him there .. for now?

“..We’re a team” 😭😭💕💕 marriage goals

“The minute I look at you I’ll give you everything you ask for” BRB I AM INDEED GOING TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

I CAN NOT DEAL

Phyllis exercising 😭😂

“I have chosen one of my friends” OMG MY HEART

PHYLLIS BE MY BRIDESMAID !??

why does she only have one though? is it more like a maid of honor?

HERES COME MORE TEARS

THE SPANISH AYE DIOS MI CORAZON

Aw good for Wilma being happy with her job! Does everyone call the sofa the settee?

There’s that babycham! Still was never sure if it was alcoholic or nah? sparkling cider maybe?

OMG I HAVE A BOTTLE IN MY BAG THAT I BROUGHT FROM FLORIDA

new drinking came, shots every time the show makes you cry lol jk i’d be on the floor 20 mins in 

that sports car aye

My bby looking good 😍😍

she knows what it’s like to be hurt Christopher😭

You’re not supposed to take 3 at a time Wilma, I’ve been scolded enough

Okay so Babs just fell asleep and that’s all?? Preview made it seem more dramatic

Now is Val going to listen and not touch anything? lol probably

Violet always rocking blue eyeshadow haha

Is that a silicone faja?? that looks hella uncomfortable

TRIXIE’S FACE OF DISGUST HAHA

OMG THE FAM HELPING OUT WITH FUNDS MY HEART

I WANT TO BE APART OF THE NONNATUS FAMILY!

PHYLLIS AND BABS DRESS SHOPPING I LOVE THIS

“.. she’ll have me to reckon with”  TE QUERIO MUCHO PHYLLIS

I NEED A PHYLLIS IN MY LIFE

SHE HAS A FAV DRESS OMG I LOVE HER

HER FACE OMG I NEED THAT SCREENSHOTTED

SHELAGH MY BBY😭😭

Their new bedroom is so 60s I love it

She still didn’t read the pamphlet !! I love her omg, such pure intentions

OMG SISTER J REMINISCING, AH FINALLY SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT SHE WAS A NUN, I AM SOBBING BYEE IM DYING. MY HEART RATE IS SLOWING DOWN

POOR DEELS AW OMG she doesn’t deserve this, she barely has screen time don’t hurt her 

Shealgh’s got another nightgown! 1962/2017 is apparently the year of nighties #thebrinylonforthewinthough

I love pink waffers 😭😂

SHIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH WILMA IM SCARED, IS IT A HEART ATTACK?? BLOOD CLOT??

poor vi!! aww she misses reggie too!

AW FRED HUG HER

and he’s fanning her omg so pure

SHEALGH’S GOING IN TO LABOR ?? AHHHHH OMGG IM NOT READY

but also she has a housecoat how cute

SISTER J SAID “HIS SPINE” OMG HOW DOES SHE KNOW ALREADY

“I knew it” bless u bby😭😭 she is a GEM. WHY IS SHE SO LOVABLE?

omg Wilma don’t die, Trixie can u save her 😭

shit not looking good, maybe this was the death they meant

shelagh throwing up yikes

“She’s smiling and waving” yea we know that smiling and waving😂😂 but omg doesn’t this remind anyone of when you’ve been partying too hard but you’re trying to convince your friends that you’re not ready to tap out yet😂😭

if not nevermind I’ll feel trashy lmaoo

PASS THAT GAS AND AIR SISTER J

AW BBY YOU ARE BRAVE!!!!!!!

IM CRYING BUT RUNNING OUT OF TEARS

HOW TF DOES LAURA LOOK GORGEOUS ALL SWEATY AND IN TEARS WHILE PRETENDING TO BE IN LABOR?? & i’m still a creature?

Poor Patrick! He must be going as crazy as I am!

I DONT HAVE ASTHMA BUT I NEED AN INHALER BC I CANT BREATHE IM SO ANXIOUS OMG

IM NOT A SMOKER BUT I FEEL LIKE I NEED A CIGG BC IM ABOUT TO LOSE IT

Trixie is doing Wilma’s makeup omg I can’t take this 😭💔💔

“I can’t believe I used to dream of this” OMG SHELAGH & SISTER J

“Every woman alive is the sum of all she ever did, and felt, and was.” ..“and how do you know that?” ..“ i wasn’t aware that I did until just now”

¡¡¡IM A W R E C K!!! l o v e that

SHE IS SINGING DORIS DAY’s SECRET LOVE AND I AM F*CKING DEAD GOODBYE

PATRICK SINGING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR SOMEONE SEND H E L P IM DYING I BET IT’S “THEIR SONG” & YOU ARE ALL CORDIALLY INVITED TO MY FUNERAL IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS EPISODE  

I’M NOT GONNA MAKE IT

“We can’t just be like any other couple.. because we’re us”

MY HEART WTF I SWEAR IT IS ABOUT TO BURST BUT IT’S NOT BEATING

IM DEAD INSIDE AND MY BODY WILL FOLLOW WHEN THIS IS OVER

Get in there Patrick!

“The children are here” .. to say goodnight omg no😢

OMG PATRICK HOLDING HER I AM FUCKING SCREAMING

“YOU CLEVER GIRL” OMGG WHO CALLED IT

I CANT SEE WHATS HAPPENING TOO MANY TEARS IN MY EYES

IT’S A BOY I KNEW IT WELL I HAD A FEELING !

BABYTURNERLAND 2.0!!!! QUE LINDO DIOS TE BENDIGA 💖👼🏼

WHAT IS HIS NAME???

THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE OF MY LIFE WOW I CANT PROCESS IT ALL

“May the lord bless you and keep you” OMGGG, JESUS HEIDI WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME ??!! I’ve never been so invested in a show or fictional characters’ lives like this 😭😭

I NEVER THOUGHT WE’D SEE THIS DAY AND IM HAVING SO MANY FEELS, I BARELY HAVE ANY THOUGHTS I AM S h o o k, I AM NOTHING IN THIS WORLD. JUST USELESS TRASH FOR CTM

WELL, ALMOST 19 YEARS OF LIVING WAS GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT?

HONESTLY JUST PUT ME IN THE GARBAGE BC I HAVE NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE TO SAY IM JUST GUSHING AND DYING

BUT SERIOUSLY LAURA MAIN IS I N C R E D I B L E AND DESERVES EVERY AWARD SO PLEASE GET IT TOGETHER @ THE EMMYS, THE SAGS, THE GOLDEN GLOBES & ALL OTHER AWARDS OF ALL PRESTIGE!!  STOP PLAYING GAMES & GIVE LAURA + CTM THE RECOGNITION IT DESERVES  !! & no excuses it happened for downton!

NO WILMA IS DEAD NO

The pill is so great and useful and miraculous in a way but I’m glad they showed some of its issues but DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO KILL THE FIRST WOMEN THEY GAVE IT TO? I’m still here tho, I’m rolling

NO TOM DONT SAY THaT WTF? TRIXIE IS OVER U AND U ARE OVER HER don’t ruin the moment

why did I think bab’s dad was the rev Applebee Thornton 😭😂😂😂?? where’s Jane lol

My bby trixie serving looks as always 😍😍

Aw his daughter is cute

CHRISTOPHER LOOKS GOOD TOO UGH😍

What are knickerbocker glories?

lol Boots! lowkey want to go there to satisfy my 15 year old self who liked to watch British youtubers affordable makeup videos (tbh I still do when I’m bored)

REGGIE! OMG HE CALLED VI MUM I DIE

OH YEA THE WEDDING OMG LOL I DONT FORGOT FOR A SEC

IM STILL SCREAMING, MY FREAKING BBY JUST HAD A MIRACLE BABY !!!!! I LEGIT RAN OUT OF TEARS WHAT DO I DO

LOOK HOW FAR WE HAVE COME MY GOD

THE GIRLS SINGING “HAPPY WEDDING DAY” TO BABS OMG THAT WAS GREAT, I NEED FRIENDS LIKE THAT

I NEED TO WATCH THIS AGAIN AND IT DIDNT FINISH YET

LMAO TOM AND FRED HUNGOVER, relatable AF😂😭

SO IS TOM’S SURPRISE IS MONEY? Or is he going to buy her something!?

Barbara’s cape reminds me of Phoebe’s from FRIENDS

The stain glass !! love it

PHYLLIS LOOKS SO ADORABLE OMG HER BOUCLE SUIT AW

WHY A HEADBAND ON YOUR WEDDING DAY BABs? BUT good for them lol 😭 I don’t care enough at the moment  but let them be happy they’re so great for each other !

HE GOT A FUCKING CAROUSEL OMG

damn. Nice one Tom. I’m a little jealous, someone needs to love me like that.😭

“At times, the present seems most perfect when it seeds lie in the past. And others, life is rendered flawless when we look towards future, glimpsing from within one golden moment all the joys the days to come might hold” 💕😢😭

THE TURNERS, NOW A FAMILY OF 5 OMGGGGGGG 😭😭

THE NUNS SO PURE ❣️ lol obviously

“We can not stand still because the world keeps turning. Every year must give way to the next and it’s stories must be folded, tucked away like children’s clothes outgrown, cherished and never quite forgotten”

VANNESSA ALWAYS SAYS THE RIGHT THINGS UGH

Aw Angela with Tim!

My BBY SHELAGH IN HER BLUE OUTFIT WITH UNNAMED BABY TURNER ID CRY IF I COULD

“1962 was a year of great change at Nonnatus House, but there’s always change, everywhere, there are always new faces, new tears to shed, new joys to invest in , yet the circle of love is not broken, it expands.” YOU GOT THAT RIGHT🙏🏼👏🏼🙌🏻😭😭😢😢💖💖

I NEED THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL LIKE TOMORROW PLEASE

lol Val screaming it’s snowing 😭 same

PATSY!!!

SHE AND DELIA KISSED OMG

GOOD FOR THEM 😭

ALSO GOOD FOR ME bc I was tired of the same complaints that BBC broke them apart and Patsy was “sent away” nah man Emerald was busy!

“Love bares all things, love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things and love never ends”

THIS WAS INCREDIBLE WOW IM A MESS

IF I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE COMMISSONED FOR 3 MORE SERIES I’D THINK THIS WAS THE END??

BUT UGH NOW WE MUST WAIT

ANYWAY I SEE THE LIGHT FOLKS

IDK IF THIS IS HELL OR HEAVEN BUT I AM DEAD, I SEE THE EARTH BEHIND ME

TBH ITS PROB HELL

Someone throw me in the damn ground already!!

In loving memory of Gabby Nuñez (1998-2017) taken far too soon because of the emotional toll brought by call the midwife, she didn’t choose to get so emotionally invested it just happened. She is grateful for her time on earth, you may leave comments, flowers or send money. Thank you for putting up with her nonsense and foolishness *now someone give my eulogy & someone else may come up and sing a hymn to conclude*

[kkukkung]

"kiho is... fascinating rly" what do u mean 👀

their relationship dynamic is v fascinating and fanfic fuel.. lov the way kihyun... needs to win... and wonho kind of lets him........ but also they’re v tender idk LOV this photoset... ykh is always 100% serious when he attacks ??? but then he’s a very... aftercare guy.... bye

more asks under the cut (dated newest to oldest)

u kno that thing kihyun does when he has the camera where he like...tilts his head back a lil and shakes it a bit. it cute

hate 2 admit this but he rly is.... v c*te... v sexy 2 when he’s BEHIND the camera and he squints and grits one side of his teeth... ok ok ok ok alright alright alr

i dont rlly think hoseok is bi i think hes pan like if hes in love he doesnt rlly care what gender they are

mmm i use the two v interchangeably bc currently i don’t think there is a clear distinction between them? what u said is the traditional dictionary difference but a lot of bisexual people identify with that too and a lot of pansexual people don’t? like from what i’ve been observing, the bi = binary genders/more than one gender, pan = all genders thing doesn’t rly seem to help that much in establishing the difference btwn them? for example........ i usually say im bi irl and pan on tumblr just bc of the difference between levels of lgbtq understanding under varied contexts... but that obviously doesn’t apply to everyone... so yeah frankly i’m still confused abt the difference between them and i guess... just letting ppl fall into whatever they think is right for them is the only way to go? but like tell me if i’m getting smth wrong here lol. also i saved the url pansexualwonho shfjdkgj

hello bunny do u have a wishlist

no and get off my blog stinky

leave ur gf for me

what does it mean when ur gf has a bf and ur also kind of seeing kakashi hatake?? :/ are we all dating by association??

wonho looks like jooheon and IM sugar daddy in that picture or something....

jshgjfk i think this was abt the units teaser photo right? (x) tbh i feel like jooheon looks more sugar daddy here but wonho has a lot of potential... he’d definitely Spoil the person(s) he’s dating :/

I just checked and the members of that new variety show minhyuk will be in are all giants, they are all above 180cm, well besides actually minhyuk lolz it's kinda funny, but I guess he won't need to make himself seem smaller since he's the tiny one this time

my breath hitched when i read this ??? aaa ur right... tbh i don’t know how im going to... survive this show bc it’s... so blindingly... visual?? have high hopes for it i know he’s going to do so well... and ummmmmMM imagine him... making himself XXXXXXXXXXXXXS precisely bc he knows it’s going to b cute n like... tucking himself against eunwoo or smth i might die

YOUR TAGS MAKE ME SO HAPPY!!

THANK U?????? 💖💖💖💖💖 cute anons make me happi :’0

to reaffirm you as a wonho stan: you have 149 pages filed under wonho on your blog but only 118 under minhyuk. however i believe recently 3/5 of your posts are minhyuk posts.

this felt like it was heading somewhere but the second half jfkhgsj i mean,,

do you know where that picture of kihyun and the join forces with communists or end star wars picture is from with his hand up on a bluish greyish wall i rlly like his hand there u know and I think that we sHould join forces with him and he's right we need to make a stand for it but anyways if u know where the pocture is from may u pls share it thnx I lov ur blog lots

@marxistkihyun

[nsfw text warning] i was reading this wonhyuk fic and thought of u immediately archiveofourown org/works/10314092 mostlytop!mh slight daddy kink mh takes extra care of wh :') enjoy

UH ANON................ HOW DID U KNOW....... EXACTLY WHAT I LIKE...... AND THIS LINE... THIS LINE... “He likes Hoseok, but he likes when pretty girls tie him up and sit on his face too”,,,,,,,, rly the best lmh characterisation i’ve ever read sdjkfgh gbye this was rly sweet and well-written and realistic and i think??? i lov u?? and i lov my poly + bi boyfriends :(((( thank u sm for the rec i rly enjoyed it

i'm east asian too and non-asian ppl keep telling me that "rat" and "snake" are racial slurs and i've never heard of such a thing until i joined kpop fandom (rly recently). if you want my honest opinion it's another one of those things where like... overzealous SJWs nitpick terminology and project on POC even tho they have never experienced it themselves... idk. i rly have never heard any of those terms used against asians before as racial slurs...i've seen other asian fans also question this

(regarding this ask) yeah lmao i mean............ the more i think abt it the more i feel like it was ??? just such a strange thing to have been told... and the way it was said as well... like “this is a racial slur so don’t say it” feels condescending ?? like, me, an east asian person, being “educated” abt racism against east asian people by an anon on the internet for a post that had zero connection to race and terms taken way out of context (that generally aren’t racially charged anyway).... ok lol

Wonho decided to change the title from ^give it to you^ to ^524^ I wonder if it's because of their debut date or something similar?

yes~ 5.14 is their debut date! it was also the time on the clock in the teaser :3c but it still doesn’t rly explain why he changed it? strange bc i thought the song would b emo bc of the changed title but it was kinda.. boppy?? sounds more like a “give it 2 u” than a “last page” hmm but gotta hear the whole thing first ig

I have the impression that Wonho is a sensitive person, he can get hurt easily (but won't hold grudges) and carry his emotions for a really long time. I think he tends to delve in his emotions and thoughts constantly and is thoughtful of when/how he should share them to not burden others. He's ALL IN for his members, trying to cheer them up and tying them all together [rmbr when he made JooHyuk hug to avoid misunderstandings or when he gave Jooheon the biggest sweet potato] in a subtle way.

yessssssssssssssss yes i don’t have anything to add here yes yes yes he’s just... the best guy :(

The Monsta X/GOT7 Psychologist ISN'T A psychoanalist. AFAIK Psychoanalysis avoid archetypes, because the patient can use it as a excuse. Also, to psychoanalysis there isn't a cure, there's only a savoir-faire which means you won't change your past, but you can change how you feel about it, sometimes being able to extract lessons from those painful memories. Psychoanalysis works with words, the way we phrase things is how we conceive reality. So don't underrate your literal analysis+observations.

aaa thank u sm.......... i rly learnt a lot from u thank u v insightful.... pop psychology is fun but ig we have to be careful to not... confound it with the Real Thing and hold mx to it?? anyway thank u sm for taking the time to type out all ur asks they were v helpful!

wonho has honestly tried to kill minhyuk an incredible amount of times but in the end always remembers he can't commit murder in front of a camera...........................

idk wonho choking minhyuk was rly the hottest thing ive ever seen jsfhg bye God I Wish That Were Me

in that live where u said minhyuk tapped wonhos bicep with his little alien claw was honestly was so c*te... especially the contrast btwn mh featherless chicken feet fingers and wonho thiccness..... wonhyuk are rly so comfortable and natural with each other like u can't rly see it but it looks like wonho let go of the camera with the arm that was being tapped to hold minhyuks hand/wrist..................................................c*te

uh put thi s on my grave...... i love wonhyuk sm i could die :( they rly lov each other sm jkdgfhsdjkgfhhkkdg

Hellooo!

henlo rabbit

maybe im just naïve but starship ent. is overall an alright company - with all groups they promote they seem to be fair and equal and overall supportive :/ which makes me rlly thankful my children aren't being neglected;;

ahh yeah i think on the whole they’re not bad with mx... apart from when they didn’t send members to the hospital after they were in a literal car crash??? and idk just not great promo times and minor organisational things.. bc they have a certain amount of faith in mx the investment isn’t too shabby. but with like... other groups... like boyfriend...... idk ?? they were just shipped off to japan and never heard from again? and even sistar i mean, the conditions they worked in at the beginning was appalling :/

[whydoyouthinkileft]

aos spoilers

having my breakfast - at 12:30 and so excited about this ep because of reasons so let's go

-btw watching the previously I just remembered Kasius and the other alien lady having their talks (Because he wants to leave that planet) and trying to top each other while also trying to sound like they don't hate each other's guts?  It was hilarious to me, it was like watching ANY conversation between people in my town ever (incidentally, my town if you live in it long enough does give you the feeling you are trapped underground waiting for giant roaches to suck the life out of you)

-oh hello lil cute boy -how old is he? is it me being weirdly old if I say that?

-oh even the white slave-owner guy has a soft spot for him?

-NO HE DROPPED THE FRUIT

-I feel like I'm too invested in him eating already

-senator Gaius whatever is also someone I could see living in my town

-thaaaaat's the scene from the promo. also can you imagine if ALL the people there are lying their asses off to look more evil?

-he looks soooo fantastic to me, I love cowboy in space clothes

-OOHHHHHHHH -the look on his face and lack of breath -I died fifty days over it -Kasius should have just been in something like Desperate Housewives -also I'm starting to find funny how he reads what Sinara says just from her expression and she never has to talk -Jemma looking at space and being deaf OH MY GOD FITZ. IS HE GONNA TALK. IS HE GONNA GO ALL I LOVE YOU I WANNA MARRY YOU HAVE MY BIOCHEMENGINEER BABIES and she's gonna walk away? -oh my god. He realized the universe can't stop them, they are stronger than curses. Now that she's deaf. He needs to repeat it. And then let her make fun of him for the curse thing for other 74 years -I FUCKING KNEW IT. I KNEW HE'D PROPOSE -nooooooooooooo the deaf thing -'oh are they' Fitz would love to kill him, wouldn't he -OH MY GOD HE'S TOUCHING HER FACE IN FRONT OF FITZ -Of course Kasius would appreciate that sentiment from Fitz. If all he's going to use from the Doctor is talking about bullshit and pain like a villain would, give those speeches, while he doesn't believe in a word he says and the actual bad guy there is like 'uuhhh this is my new friend' I'm here for it. This is basically high school and becoming popular. -Also still here if Jemma wants to break a pitcher on Kasius's face though -I am worried though because Jemma wasn't 100% chill when she saw Fitz's face -oh my god the look on Fitz's face after Kasius walked away -Tess just quoted me with 'soft spot' for the kid. I'm Tess now. -Flint 'if I turn I won't have to beg around' yeah well he's NOT WRONG, mind you -is Jemma going to mother this one too and then Daisy will train him? -AAAHHHH FITZ AND JEMMA -the hatred on Kasius' face whenever he speaks to all people who are supposed to be on his same level or higher makes me laugh, I'm so sorry -they are just so... mundane about 'uhhh your daddy gave your big brother the big job and you are stuck in here lmao' -evil eyes of hatred- -I'm glad Daisy is befriending the mind-reader, he's adorable -also he didn't expect her to go all 'I'm sorry' and he's even more adorable -no seriously they seriously could be living in my town -Fitz. Fitz don't fuck this up, my boy. -the almost smile when he describes it tho, that kinda sells it as him being a bitch so... good -what is that snail thing, also I TOO FIND MOIST CREATURES (and stuff that changes from hard to soft depending on the bite, and really most meat) DISTASTEFUL BUT NOBODY LAUGHS WITH ME WHEN I SAY IT AND REFUSE TOT IT, THEY CALL ME SPOILED. ALSO I RAN OUT OF THE ROOM IF THERE ARE SNAILS BECAUSE NO. Next fucking time we have a dinner with other people I'm going to talk with that attitude and slam the food on the plate and wait for someone to laugh. I'll instruct my little brother to laugh and make other people feel like they have to laugh -sidenote: the jackass who brought it up attempting to laugh along not sure of what's happening is amazing. I don't know which one of those guys is really the loser in the real tvshow that is going on in there. Kasius, cast away and trying to climb up the ladder and become a Big Shot, the snails guy who is soooo loud and soooo friendly and everybody knows he's just desperate to keep being in the inner circle, or what -HAHAHA the Kree discussing why the kid disappeared like. Even before they looked around like 'did we crush the kid' 'how did he disappear, what did we do wrong? look under your shoes' and now 'maybe his power is to disappear' 'nah' I can see these Kree driving a car and talking why they stopped -lmao 'you mean this guy?' 'no he's just cool' -Mack looks proud of himself- you are cool, Mack. You are big enough you don't need superpowers -at this point Kasius and others are just courting Fitz -MAY, IT'S MAY. MAY WILL FIGHT HIM. GET THE HELL OUT. also he KNOWS Jemma and Daisy were laying and how the ell idd he find out her name is Melinda May -Melinda and Fitz looking at each other like that, oh my god. And she hasn't seen what happened of Jemma yet after she let her go -is... Fitz... bromancing Kasius to trick him? what is this episode?? this is also perfect because Fitz's superpower since s2 has been to befriend EVERY person he met and get a circle around him super fast, first Hunter and Mack and then Hunter and Coulson, then he grabbed Bobbi too, befriended Radcliffe super fast, like, of course he can use his 'father's memories (with Jemma watching like a hawk - with impared sight) to get to Kasius. Fitz in this episode is me in high school, I'm not even kidding anymore. You gotta fit in to survive, so fit in in a way that will make people fight to sit next to you without even lying -is telepath boy going to tell May how to behave because he SHOULD -lmao May hitting him without thinking and succeeeding, bet he didn't see that coming -if it wasn't for her leg he'd in a world of trouble -LMAO KASIUS' FACE when Fitz went 'this fight bores me' -he just insulted May's age and just... her face. -the horror at Flint not knowing what tacos are -we finally know Elena's terrigen story lol -oohhhh my god white guy needs to die -he's about to kill him because he lied, oh my god, OH MY GOD, BEN. NO. NOOOO. DON'T DO THIS. -FITZ, don't try to control Kasius too hard, he'll know -one more death in Daisy and Jemma's conscience oh my god are you kidding me poor sweet Ben -oh the white guy had a second when asking about the prophecy and he might buy it later -aw Jemma and Daisy, with Jemma being able to hear -'there was nothing you could do' 'I have to kill him' 'you'll have to get in line'  just... Jemma, of all the people, always reassuring others that it's not their fault, but also REALLY, let Jemma kill at least one person who humiliated and hurt her instead of having her fail and get someone else to do it? -I KNEW IT. I KNEW JEMMA LIKED THE CARDIGANS, PREFERRED THEM. I'M THINKING OF S2. THEY WERE SO SOFT LOOKING -I love that their having girls talk in the middle of this too because oh god they are 29-30, and yes, they have been through hell, and in situations like this people don't necessarily act like super efficient zombies, they find humor, they find reasons to chat with friends, they still smile, and I always found unrealistic when in tvshows, including aos, they were only shown super serious ALL the time. -Daisy the shippers is back. Which I don't know why people don't like or find weird because honestly, I ship my friends with their loved ones when they are so in love -Jemma has a knife. Jemma KEEPS STEALING KNIVES AND WILL STAB PEOPLE, YES -Elena being tortured twice now -uh oh controlling rocks. BREAK HIS HEAD. CRACK HIS HEAD OPEN. YES FLINT -also the loooook between Jemma and Fitz was so lovely, they almost got to talk -Kasius is peacocking so much over his brother -oh they have a plan B, alright -oh wow Kasius' brother is such a sweetie, 'there is no honor to be found in this human cesspool'. that's kinda my attitude when they force me to go out for holidays. -oh yeah, Kasius 'pleeease Sinara fight for me' and then trying to talk her into not being mad at him lol. Also yes for Sinara dying. Fuck you.  You kept killing people with your stupid-ass balls. Your turn now. -jesus for a second I thought they had hung Tess for her neck -IS SHE? DEAD?? NO??????!!! -Daisy's look is so cool tho -KILL SINARA. KILL HER, KILL -aw shit they have a barrier -break her neck, break HER NECK -NO KILL HER. KILL HER FOR REAL. -JEMMA FUCKING SLIT KASIUS' THROAT I'M SO ALIVE FOR THIS, ALSO FOR DAISY FLYING UP LIKE THAT OH MY GOD -OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK -THEY HAD A REUNION KISS FOR FUCKING ONCE -JEMMA PROPOSED TOO AND HE ZFHAADSKJHFKDF -THEN THEY PICKED UP DAISY I'M SO -AND FITZ TALKING ABOUT HOW HE PROPOSED EARLIER THO I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK -honestly I said that I didn't want them to propose and get married until they were a little healthier but that can be solved writing fanon, when it comes to canon, if... Fitz managed to somehow work through his doctor issues and just needed one last push from Hunter (maybe that's also what happened in those six months) and to not be holding back on his love for Jemma anymore because he's completely there and not worrying about the cosmo... then I guess it's fine? honestly, I'm a sucker for this sort of thing so I'll just accept it in the show and then write 59494864 things in which they process things slower after the proposal, they'd have been together anyway -I CAN'T HELP IT OKAY I'M JUST EXCITED -ENOCH LIES THE WAY JEMMA LIED IN S1 OKAY, I LOVE HIM 'hello friend' 'who are you' 'I am a Kree as I've always been, brother' -I love everything about them dividing tasks and Jemma finally getting revenge on Kasius and Fitz finishing Sinara after Daisy did her fighting and also Daisy is there to listen to the proposal, I'm laughing oh my god

[dass-ist-egal]

it’s been 2 years of existencial crysis

I want to talk to you and know what you think about me.

I couldn’t complete it and it makes me feel sad.

I’m ashamed of that.

I can’t feel happy for others anymore.

I’m doing my best but it’s really tiring.

I want to do so many things but I feel that chainging my rutine will make me miserable.

I’m already miserable.

will I ever go there again?

even if I did, I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to.

I’m too ashamed to try to talk to the people I met when I was there.

I hate my country.

I hate my language.

I hate my family.

I don’t like my friends anymore even though they really care about me, I don’t hate them but I’ve become so picky that even the slightest thing bothers me.

I listen to emo music and think about killing myself all the time but I’m not brave enough to do it and I don’t really want to anyway.

I need someone to save me but nobody really has to.

when I think about that time I feel happy, sad and ashamed also because I couldn’t really “connect” as I wanted to.

I envy people with good strong close relationships, I don’t wish them any bad, I just would like to have the same.

all of my relationships are really close but in a different way, pretty much everybody I know knows that I’m depressed and I hate my life.

I’ve thought about working for two years and invest in real estate but I’m scared of it taking too long.

probably none of my dreams have come true.

I’ve thought a lot about opening a youtube channel and just talking about the things I like even if nobody watches it, like this blog it’d be to pass the time but I can’t finish any script, I want to do something that I’d enjoy myself and I’d love to speak in english but sometimes my accent becomes stronger and I feel bad about it, I know that many people like them or just don’t care but I do and as many people would say “that’s what matters”

im probably just a disgusting human being.

I feel disgusted by my father.

I feel disgusted by the way people talk in this place.

I feel disgusted by the way they think they are doing something worthy when in reality what they’re doing could hardly be called that.

I hate critics, I don’t want to accept them, I want to be told stuff nicely and I know that that’s probably immature but I simply can’t stand them (though I happily accept suggestions)

I think I’m a snob but I don’t want to be that.

my mindset can change really quick so right now I may say that I’m bloody disgusted by critics but I may want some in the future and I guess that it makes me a little inconsistent though if you were in my head you’d know that it’s not really THAT inconsistent.

many people in real life think of me as rich or wealthy and to this country I am?

I don’t know, I think that I’m just not as stupid as them and spend my money properly, pretty much any one of them should be wealthier than me but they’re all too stupid to realize that.

none of this really matters, in 200 years I’ll most likely be dead and this will be lost on the internet.

sometimes I like to think about bad moments or stuff that made me misserable to fill the void with misery, I think that being happy here would be betraying myself.

even if it makes me miserable a long time ago I decided that I’d never betray myself and that I’d never be a hypocrite, if something is wrong then it’s wrong and even if it’s easier or more convinient I’ll just avoid it and do it the way I think of as the right one.

I like fancy talking but I probably suck at it, I wish I could meet someone that I could talk to like that and do references and stuff.

sometimes I feel that I connect with some anime characters just because they were in a similar situation to mine, I’ve felt my mindset is really similar to izaya orihara’s but I wouldn’t poison anyone or trick them in such ways it’s just that the way he speaks is really similar to the way I speak in real life and the way he thinks is also really similar to mine somehow.

I’ve also felt related to chitose from girlish number since we’re also really similar in some ways, we both want to achive greatness without making a real effort or getting our hands dirty.

I wonder a lot and most of the times I get an idea and then shut myself up, for example I was thinking about what would happen if someone tried to guide me in real life but then I remembered that everybody is fucked and if that person could do it then it means that I’m most likely able to do it to hence that person can’t be so far way from me.

I don’t love myself but I don’t really hate me, I usually don’t think about myself it’s something like “i’d like this to happen or I hate that person or I don’t do that” but... well I probably think of myself as just a person?

I’m incomplete and I know that if everybody was like me society would be fucked (wich sounded funny on my mind) but I don’t think that I’m a bad person.

I wish I was more handsome or something.

I’m too awkward and I’d also love to be able to walk to a new place without trembling, sometimes I can but for some reason it mostly happens when I’m alone, if I’m with someoine else that person goes in front of me and asks for the stuff for me and if there is a questiont hen I may tell them what to do or just directly answer to that person.

the air of this city is so poluted I don’t want to breath but if I don’t I’ll die and it hurts so I have to do it but still, that’s something that goes through my mind all of the time.

I do my best to never flaunt about anything but maybe I’m too quick to talk, once a friend of a friend saw something of mine and told me wow you have that thing, to which I replied it’s not as great as you may think.

my life without it would be WAY worse but still I think that there is room for improvement.

I believe that if something is not of your liking you should complain or try to change it yourself as long as it makes sense and it’s not bothering anyone.

it seems like my grandfather doesn’t believe in that but I think that if nobody complained technology and pretty much everything would take even longer to improve.

the best part of my day is probably when I see that someone uploaded a video or an anime just came out, if I start one I do my best to finish them even though sometimes they’re terrible.

last season I didn’t watch the last episode of 3-4 animes just because I wasn’t feeling like it and I thought that those animes are not really alright.

I wouldn’t really want to move to japan, I think that I’d probably say yes if the opportunity comes by but I know that life there is “terrible” for different reasons.

I feel sick of people saying that they know what other people are thinking like for example this country thinks about this or that topic or I know you’ll love thisI know that I talk a lot about how people from my country and also this part of the continent act but I’ve met them myself and I can tell, they’ve just talked a little bit to some, for example there’s an image that says something like “the japanese say that if nobody has done it before I have to be the first to do it”. it may sound inspiring but to me it sounds really stupid, if I haven’t talked to anyone (something that happens some days) this phrase becomes the stupidiest thing I’ve read on that day. I understand that just because nobody has done it it doesn’t have to mean that such thing is impossible but seriously they have to stop exaggerating, if you’re not interested you’re not fucking interested, I won’t do something that nobody else has done before NOT BECAUSE I CAN’T BUT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO.

I once saw something like “the minimum wage there is -----” and well. it also bothered me, it’s higher yes but it’s not 40 times our wage.

I just said our but I don’t like to think of myself as someone from this country, I know that most of my ancestors immigrated from other parts of the world and I wouldn’t say that I necessarily hold pride to it (I have no real pride) but it helps me to distantiate myself from the others. I don’t talk like them and I’ve been told many times that I don’t look like them. in fact sometimes I’m asked where am I from but I wouldn’t really say that there is a clear answer for that, I’ve been told that I look like I’m from western europe or from another country in the continent I live in which would mean that yea I look different but not THAT different, a friend of mine told me that I look like I’m from a neighboring country (which is on bad terms with this one and many people could think of that as an insult BUT IDGAF) but their ethnicy is different so that’s also a thing. I don’t want to be looked as racist, I don’t want to be racist or anything, I want everyone to be happy and to be able to feel free and be... well... the word might be apreciated or just not discriminated, I can tell that I don’t do that I just don’t like being told that I’m like most people since I don’t like them. I wouldn’t turn my back on someone just because he or she has a different skin color, I’m not even that white though it’s still white enough for people here to think of me as such.

(in fact I’ve been told by some white people that I’m not white or that I’m “a mix?” idk how tho say it in this language since it’s not my mothertounge though it’s the thing I hold the most pride to though I’de love to keep on improving)

once I was in a concert with 2 friends and somebody asked me where I was from and one of my friends told him that I didn’t go out that much LOL it probably was the funniest and meanest thing I had heard in this year though it didn’t bother me.

sometimes I wish I could just have first world problems, most of them are somewhat stupid though (of course that is my opinion)

I believe in gender equality which is something that not many people do in this country, not only that but women themselves don’t believe in that and I’d say that even though that limits them it also gives them some sort of “power” because “if you argue with one you’re a bad person and if you hit one you’re the most evil guy in the universe” so if one of them hit you or insult you you take it and do nothing about it (which I was never willing to do)

it’s not like I wanted to insult everyone and hit them, “bothering” someone for no reason is the opposite of what I want to do but I’d love to be able to defend myself though I’d like to not need that either.

I just read the tittle again so I guess that I’m gonna keep explaining myself.

I’m too afraid to say your name and when I think too much about it I sort of want to cry, I could say that I feel in love with you but not in a sexual way, you probably became my best friend (which is pathetic since we didn’t see each other for more than 4 months) I thought that you understood me and I know that I wasn’t a “perfect human being” in fact I think that I’m doing something about it by explaining myself here, when i post something here I usually give some context on the hashtag section, I guess I could wish that I was more like you and less like me.

I could say that I admire you if I had to say that I admire someone but you’re just a normal person who happened to be really nice to me and that I felt connected to.

I wonder if you think about me. once a day? once a month? once a year?

I do think about you all the time, about what would you do if I ever saw you again.

I oppened myself too soon to you and I’m scared of what you might do with that information, if you were to find this blog I’d feel really ashamed and scared of what you may say, I don’t want to erase it.

....... I don’t want to see you here. leave and never come back.... I’d be afraid of that.

how have you been? would you like to talk or something?.... that’d be great.

I won’t contact you because I know that you don’t want to talk to me anymore, you made it very clear but I’m.

I began to think about something else and lost what I was thinking about.

I don’t want to look like my father, I can’t stare at him without feeling disgusted.

not everyone does that, he can go around without problems, it’s not that he is utterly ugly or something but I don’t like the way he looks or dresses and I don’t want to be like that at all.

I want to grow taller and I know that I still can, I think that 10cm is probably too much but I would like to grow that much, i’m already “tall” or ok for this country’s standars but that’s not my goal.

I don’t like staring or looking at people in the street, I usually look somewhere else, a friend of mine once told me that he thought that I had probably thought that he was a robber (he said that as a joke, that’s the kind of person he is) but what really happened was that I hadn’t recognized him from far away so I didn’t want to look at him, I was looking at the floor to not have contact with some random person on the street, I guess that I’m afraid of someone yelling or insulting me and trying to rob me in the streets but that’s what I’ve been thought and it’s something difficult to change since most of what’s is in the news is “this person was robbed and killed” or something like that.

the tittle was probably great for when I started but now it’s simply not enough, I’d change it to something like talking abouy my personal issues or sumarising my problems but it probably wouldn’t fit all of the text.

I’d say that I’d love to keep expanding this post but right now at this exact point in time I;m out of ideas and expanding it is not something that i’d necessarily love but rather “enjoy”? it made me feel many things and even if nobody really reads this, it makes me comfortable and scared.

[vvordthief]

Too bad I'm bored and I'm doing this anyway

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? ....yea 
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? ....yea and the same person as #1 
3. Have you taken someones virginity? Nope 
4. Is trust a big issue for you? Sorta....I don't really open up to a lot of people or anyone until I really trust them 
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Unfortunately no I'm home for the summer, and before that was finals so no not really....also it's super complicated and I turned down a hangout call a couple days before the semester ended 
6. What are you excited for? Hahahaha. Um seriously? Um I guess not doing anything? 
7. What happened tonight? Long story short mental breakdown, texted omar bc for some reason he makes me feel calmer whenever I talk to or see him 
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? It's disgusting when ANYbody gets really wasted, irregardless of gender 
9. Is confidence cute? Oh definitely yes..like hell yes oh my god 
10. What is the last beverage you had? Bedtime tea 
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 2 (family), 4 (nonfamily) as I said I don't trust easily or quickly 
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? I do 
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Honestly I'm home for The summer before lol my other friends so prob wrap myself in a blanket and watch movies 
14. What are you going to spend money on next? My aunt gave me 50 bucks for my birthday and I'm gonna put that to investing in a good pair of birkenstocks 
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? ...no but it's sorta complicated it might happen again once we get back on campus 
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Hopefully 
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Um maybe omar (mentioned many times before in this post), or my future roommate lydia, or hallmates mira or halle. But also psychiatrist bc she's paid to not judge me 
18. The last time you felt broken? ...currently 
19. Have you had sex today? I wish I had 
20. Are you starting to realize anything? Realize? Oh god I don't want to realize anything else 
21. Are you in a good mood? Hahahahaa no 
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Nope 
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Nope mine are like a blue-grey, his are hazel 
24. What do you want right this second? Honestly? To hug a certain someone and just cuddle with them and feel wanted 
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? While we were in a relationship? Probably wouldn't be too happy at all 
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Nope my natural is like a darkish dirty blond but now it's like a dark auburn red 
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Probably not and my mom always told me that if I was to ever marry someone they had to be tall (a joke about me being really short) and make me laugh 
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? I'm watching archer rn and so that 
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Unfortunately yes, and it would be so much easier if I didn't...also see the person who I keep mentioning 
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Honestly it depends on what they did...some people do and some don't depending on the offense 
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? No I don't...and again it would be easier if I did 
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? He's knows I did when we were a thing but I called it off and I didn't have feelings for a while and then they came back in full force and I don't know if he knows they came back 
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? Pretty much yea...I probably drink like 10 sofas a year tops 
34. Listening to? My "shit I wanna listen to rn" playlist on Spotify...currently 'my type' by saint motel 
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
 Nope exclusively pen and in cursive 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Exact location? Nope but he's at home in NYC 
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Um not really 
38. Who did you last call? My mom 
39. Who was the last person you danced with? A guy I went to a formal with...which actually is a whole other complicated situation 
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? I kissed him bc I kissed him and I wanted to and I like him 
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? A month or two ago? My roommate and I were out thrift shopping for clothes for her performance and we got cupcakes from the Lancaster cupcake shop (which is actually really good) 
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Yep, mom and dad 
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Oh god here come the compressed memories 
44. Do you tan in the nude? Noooooooo waaaayyyyyy I barely have the confidence to tan in a bikini and shorts 
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? No I would not, no 
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No...I dreamed that I did a few nights ago tho which is weird 
47. Who was the last person to call you? A random number, probably a sales call or something 
48. Do you sing in the shower? Oh definitely yes 
49. Do you dance in the car? Yesssss again, and sing too 
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Oooooh no but now I really want to 
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? My high school senior pictures...o et a year and a half ago 
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No I like them 
53. Is Christmas stressful? Nooooo I love the Christmas season!! I like the whole lead up and season more than the day itself (if you can't tell already I'm not religious) 
54. Ever eat a pierogi? Yep, Russian heritage ftw 
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Hmmmm rhubarb and strawberry pie 
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? All the traditional kid ones: astronaut, doctor, vet, photographer (especially for the National Geographic) 
57. Do you believe in ghosts? I feel that there might be something in semblance of an afterlife and something that may come back but I don't know and I highly doubt its ghosts as the media and culture describes it 
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yep 
59. Take a vitamin daily? Yep just recently started, my mom is making me 
60. Wear slippers? Yep 
61. Wear a bath robe? Nope 
62. What do you wear to bed? Old t-shirt and if it's cold enough pajama bottoms 
63. First concert? To be determined 
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target all the way!!! 
65. Nike or Adidas? Hmmm idc Nike? 
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos bc Fritos taste like nothing 
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts 
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Hmmmmm depends on my mood, if I have to say right now maybe you 'you are in love' or 'wildest dreams' 
69. Ever take dance lessons? Nope kinda want to tho..and actually I'm taking a class in dance next semester 
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Hmmm I never thought about that 
71. Can you curl your tongue? Yep 
72. Ever won a spelling bee? Nope 
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? I think so? 
74. What is your favorite book? Hmmm idk it really depends on what genre and what mood I'm in 
75. Do you study better with or without music? Do I prefer studying with music? Yes,,,,, do I get more done while listening to music? No 
76. Regularly burn incense? Not incense as much but candles all the time 
77. Ever been in love? Nope 
78. Who would you like to see in concert? Hmmmm idk I'm not really a concert person, maybe bc I haven't been to one 
79. What was the last concert you saw? See 78 
80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot tea all the way 
81. Tea or coffee? Coffee 
82. Favorite type of cookie? Chocolate pixie cookies 
83. Can you swim well? Yep I swam all the time as a toddler and it stuck with me 
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yep 
85. Are you patient? Reasonably...tho about some things more than other 
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? Hmmmm dj? I guess? 
87. Ever won a contest? I've won scholarships if that counts, once an art contest for a sustainability ad 
88. Ever have plastic surgery? Nope 
89. Which are better black or green olives? Black olives 
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Fine by me...also I'd be hypocritical if I said it was wrong, and it's not 
91. Best room for a fireplace? Hmmmm any room with a fireplace and a comfy chair is the best room 
92. Do you want to get married? Yea eventually