Happily N’Ever After (2006)
While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...
You can’t believe Happily N’Ever After was made in 2006, much less that it was released in theatres. This obvious attempt to cash in on the success of Shrek and its sequels is dreadful. Its funny moments are as rare as photos of Sasquatch, the animation is cheap, the voice acting poor, the writing deplorable and the plot ill-conceived. I wanted nothing more than for it to end.
In the realm of fairytales, the Wizard (George Carlin) oversees the balance of good and evil, ensuring every prince and princess gets a happy ending. When he goes on vacation, his assistants Munk (Wallace Shawn) and Mambo (Andy Dick) accidentally disturb the equilibrium. When Ella “Cinderella” (Sarah Michelle Gellar) is invited to the royal ball and given a magical makeover by her fairy godmother, her evil stepmother Frieda (Sigourney Weaver) takes advantage of the Wizard’s absence and takes control of the kingdom. While Cinderella looks for her lost Prince (Patrick Warburton), the palace dishwasher, Rick (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) decides to accompany her, secretly hoping she’ll realize the royal is not the man she’s been dreaming of.
Take a look at any frame and you’ll wonder where the $47 million budget went. Happily N'Ever After looks like a PlayStation 2 game, or a very professional supermarket commercial for a local chain. The character designs are ugly and the backgrounds are largely empty. Clearly, the animators didn’t have the means to accomplish what they wanted. I’ve never directed a film, much less an animated one but my understanding is that a director’s job is to look at the script, screenplay and storyboards and figure out how to bring it all to life. Why spend the money to develop seven gnomes when Cinderella could’ve just as easily met Dorothy’s Three Bears? Why did the Wizard need two assistants when just one bumbler would’ve sufficed? I know hindsight is 20-20. Nonetheless, anyone with an unbiased eye would’ve taken a look at what was on-screen and said “this isn’t working”.
Then again, why try to make Happily N’Ever After look good when the story is utterly worthless? The characters are so flat and uninteresting it’s a struggle to stay awake. You don’t care about Cinderella because so little time is spent with her between all of the side characters, the kingdom and the rest of the world. You care even less about Rick, who feels like a self-insert from a bad fan fiction. Frieda gladly calls herself evil, which might fit in a normal fairy tale, but this is supposed to be a deconstruction of the Brothers Grimms’ stories. You’re so bored with the lame romance at the film's center you begin questioning everything. I’d bring you along the mental journey but what’s the use when no thought went into any of this? The world of Happily N’Ever After makes no sense.
Unsurprisingly, the voice acting is horrendous. I can’t blame the performers. The dialogue is uninspired, cheesy and lame. It’s as if the casting director had a bunch of celebrities chained up in his basement but didn’t have the torture instruments required to break true a-listers and instead had to settle for the bottom of the barrel - no offense to anyone in this movie but we've seen performances elevate rickety material before and that's not what's happening here.
Did I mention this is a musical? Indeed, Happily N'Ever After features a collection of uninspired tunes and unmemorable lyrics perfectly fit for the rest of the film. Are we forgetting anything else? Can any more criticisms be thrown at this target? It deserves every single one of them, that’s for sure.
Every aspect of Happily N’Ever After ranges from lackluster to pathetic. It’s impossible to imagine anyone ever calling this their favorite film and the idea of it being the first - or last film - someone ever saw fills me with despair. The knowledge of a sequel existing out there brings suicidal thoughts to mind. I had to sit through this, and there’s another one too? Is there no justice in this world? (January 11, 2019)
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The Best of August 2023
Best Rewatch: Phantasmagoria 2: A Puzzle of Flesh
Runners Up: Beyond the Black Rainbow, Inferno
Most Enjoyable Fluff: Hidden Gems
Runners Up: Cherry, Harry and Raquel!, Mirage, Of Unknown Origin, Trilogy of Terror
Best Leading Performance: Paul Morgan Stetler in Phantasmagoria 2: A Puzzle of Flesh
Runner Up: Michael J Rogers in Beyond the Black Rainbow
Best Supporting Performance or Cameo: Paul T. Mitri in Phantasmagoria 2: A Puzzle of Flesh
Most Enjoyable Ham: Frank Bolger in Cherry, Harry and Raquel!
Runners Up: Karen Black in Trilogy of Terror, Charles Napier in Cherry, Harry and Raquel!, Kavan Smith in Big Sky River: The Bridal Path, Sean Young in Mirage
Best Mise-en-scène: Inferno
Runner Up: Beyond the Black Rainbow
Best Score: Beyond the Black Rainbow (Sinoia Caves)
Runners Up: Inferno (Keith Emerson), Old Boyfriends (David Shire), Phantasmagoria 2: A Puzzle of Flesh (Gary Spinrad)
Best Leading Hunk: Beau Mirchoff in Hidden Gems
Runner Up: Jeff Daniels in Chasing Sleep
Best Supporting Hunk: Eliott Keener in Tightrope
Runner Up: Adam Johnson in Hidden Gems
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Desígnio — Arco 38.
I. Maratonas.
I. Anos 1980.
Listas: IMDb; Wikipedia.
I. A — Parte 1.
Atração Mortal, de Michael Lehmann.
II. B — Parte 1.
Blade Runner — O Caçador de Androides, de Ridley Scott [Ler Androides Sonham com Ovelhas Elétricas?, de Philip K. Dick; Ler The Bladerunner, de Alan E. Nourse; Blade Runner 2049, de Denis Villeneuve; Poderá haver um terceiro filme; Haverá uma série, Blade Runner 2099, na Prime Video.].
III. C — Parte 1.
Conta Comigo, de Rob Reiner.
IV. E — Parte 1.
E.T. — O Extraterrestre, de Steven Spielberg. /
V. K — Parte 1.
Kagemusha — A Sombra de um Samurai, de Akira Kurosawa. / Karatê Kid — A Hora da Verdade, de John G. Avildsen.
VI. N — Parte 1.
Nascido para Matar, de Stanley Kubrick.
VII. O — Parte 1.
O Matador, de John Woo. / Os Fantasmas Se Divertem, de Tim Burton. / Os Gritos do Silêncio, de Roland Joffé. / Os Intocáveis, de Brian De Palma.
VIII. T — Parte 1.
Top Gun — Ases Indomáveis, de Tony Scott [Top Gun — Maverick, de Joseph Kosinski.].
II. Desmado.
I. A — Parte 1.
A Bela e a Fera, de Gary Trousdale & Kirk Wise. / A Fuga das Galinhas, de Peter Lord & Nick Park. / Agência Secreta de Controle de Magias, de Alex Tsitsilin. / Akira, de Katsuhiro Otomo. / As Aventuras de Peter Pan, de Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson & Hamilton Luske. /
II. B — Parte 1.
Branca de Neve e os Sete Anões, de William Cottrell, David Hand & Wilfred Jackson. /
III. C — Parte 1.
CyberWorld, de Colin Davies & Elaine Despins. /
IV. D — Parte 1.
Deu a Louca na Chapeuzinho, de Cory Edwards, Todd Edwards & Tony Leech. / Deu a Louca na Cinderela, de Paul Bolger, Yvette Kaplan & Greg Tiernan. / Dogão — Amigo pra Cachorro, de Dave Borthwick, Jean Duval & Frank Passingham. / Dumbo, de Samuel Armstrong, Norman Ferguson & Wilfred Jackson. /
V. F — Parte 1.
Formiguinhaz, de Eric Darnell & Tim Johnson. /
VI. G — Parte 1.
Gato de Botas, de Chris Miller [Gato de Botas 2 — O Último Pedido, de Joel Crawford.].
VII. H — Parte 1.
Hotel Transilvânia, de Genndy Tartakovsky. /
VIII. I — Parte 1.
Igor, de Tony Leondis. /
IX. J — Parte 1.
Jimmy Neutron — O Menino Gênio, de John A. Davis. /
X. M — Parte 1.
Meu Amigo Totoro, de Hayao Miyazaki. /Miúda e o Guarda-chuva, de Amadeu Alban. / Monstros S.A., de Pete Docter, David Silverman & Lee Unkrich. /
XI. O — Parte 1.
O Galinho Chicken Little, de Mark Dindal. / O Príncipe do Egito, de Brenda Chapman, Steve Hickner & Simon Wells. / O Rei Leão, de Roger Allers & Rob Minkoff. /
XII. P — Parte 1.
Pinóquio por Guillermo del Toro, de Guillermo del Toro & Mark Gustafson.
XIII. R — Parte 1.
Robôs, de Chris Wedge & Carlos Saldanha. /
XIV. S — Parte 1.
Shrek, de Andrew Adamson & Vicky Jenson [Consultar todas as obras especiais da franquia; Shrek 2, de Andrew Adamson; Shrek Terceiro, de Chris Miller & Raman Hui; Shrek para Sempre, de Mike Mitchell.]. / Spirit — O Corcel Indomável, de Kelly Asbury & Lorna Cook. / Super Mario Bros. — O Filme, de Aaron Horvath & Michael Jelenic. / Super Mario Bros. — Peach-Hime Kyushutsu Dai Sakusen!, de Masami Hata.
XV. T — Parte 1.
Toy Story, de John Lasseter [Toy Story 2, de John Lasseter, Ash Brannon & Lee Unkrich.]. /
III. Horror.
A. A Casa dos Maus Espíritos, de William Castle [A Casa da Colina, de William Malone; De Volta à Casa da Colina, de Víctor Garcia.]. / A Órfã, de Jaume Collet-Serra [Órfã 2 — A Origem, de William Brent Bell.]. / A Última Casa da Rua, de Mark Tonderai. / Aniversário Macabro, de Wes Craven [A Última Casa, de Dennis Iliadis.]. / Apollo 18 — A Missão Proibida, de Gonzalo López-Gallego.
B. Brinquedo Assassino, de Tom Holland [Brinquedo Assassino 2, de John Lafia.]. / Brinquedos do Terror, de Nicholas Verso.
C. Convite Maldito, de Jessica M. Thompson.
D. Despertar dos Mortos, de David Keating. /Domicílio Alienígena, de Kelly Schwarze. /
E. Encurralada, de Toran Caudell. /
G. Gritos do Além, de Steven C. Miller.
I. Irmandade do Mal, de Todor Chapkanov.
N. Não! Não Olhe!, de Jordan Peele. / Noite das Bruxas Macabra, de Travis Baker.
O. O Iluminado, de Stanley Kubrick. / Oferenda ao Demônio, de Oliver Park. / Os Mensageiros, de Danny Pang & Oxide Chun Pang. /
P. Pânico, de Wes Craven [Pânico 2, de Wes Craven; Pânico 3, de Wes Craven; Pânico 4, de Wes Craven; Pânico, de Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett.]. / Possessão, de Ole Bornedal. / Premonição, de James Wong [Premonição 2, de David R. Ellis; Premonição 3, de James Wong; Premonição 4, de David R. Ellis; Premonição 5, de Steven Quale.]. / Psicose, de Alfred Hitchcock [Psicose 2, de Richard Franklin.].
S. Sexta-feira 13, de Sean S. Cunningham. / Sobrenatural, de James Wan [Sobrenatural: Capítulo 2, de James Wan; Sobrenatural — A Origem, de Leigh Whannell.].
U. Um Lugar Silencioso, de John Krasinski [Um Lugar Silencioso — Parte II, de John Krasinski.].
IV. Lisa Kudrow.
Listas: IMDb; JustWatch; Wikipedia.
1. America 3000, de David Engelbach. 2. L.A. on $5 a Day, de Todd Hughes. 3. O Bebê Maldito, de Rodman Flender. 4. Dance with Death, de Charles Philip Moore. 5. In the Heat of Passion, de Rodman Flender.
V. M. Night Shyamalan.
Listas: Wikipedia.
1. Praying with Anger [1992.]. 2. Olhos Abertos [1998.]. 3. Ela É Demais [1999.]. 4. O Sexto Sentido [1999.]. 5. O Pequeno Stuart Little [1999.]. 6. Corpo Fechado [2000.]. 7. Sinais [2002.]. 8. A Vila [2004.]. 9. A Dama na Água [2006.]. 10. Fim dos Tempos [2008.]. 11. O Último Mestre do Ar [2010.]. 12. Demônio [2010.]. 13. Depois da Terra [2013.]. 14. A Visita [2015.]. 15. Fragmentado [2016.]. 16. Vidro [2019.]. 17. Tempo [2021.]. 18. Batem à Porta [2023.].
VI. New Line Cinema.
Listas: IMDb.
1. Uma Página de Loucura, de Teinosuke Kinogasa. 2. The Pace That Kills, de William A. O'Connor. 3. A Porta da Loucura, de Louis J. Gasnier. 4. ...E o Vento Levou, de Victor Fleming, George Cukor & Sam Wood. 5. Os Amantes Crucificados, de Kenji Mizoguchi.
VII. Ubiquação.
Conteúdos: Claro video; Cindie; HBO Max; Recomendações; Netflix; SET; Wikipedia.
I. A — Parte 1.
A Lista de Schindler, de Steven Spielberg. / A Morte Lhe Cai Bem, de Robert Zemeckis. / A Múmia, de Stephen Sommers [O Retorno da Múmia, de Stephen Sommers.]. / A Onda, de Dennis Gansel. / A Paixão de Cristo, de Mel Gibson. / A Princesa Prometida, de Rob Reiner. / A Última Tentação de Cristo, de Martin Scorsese. / A Volta ao Mundo em 80 Dias, de Michael Anderson & John Farrow. / Ácido, de Aleksandr Gorchilin. / Adonis, de Scud. / Alien — O 8° Passageiro, de Ridley Scott. / Anfetamina, de Scud. / Anti-herói Americano, de Shari Springer Berman & Robert Pulcini. / Apesar de Tudo, Shamim Sarif. / Aposta na Vingança, de Gábor Herendi. / Austin Powers — O Agente "Bond" Cama, de Jay Roach. /
II. B — Parte 1.
Babe — O Porquinho Atrapalhado, de Chris Noonan. / Bwoy, de John G. Young. /
III. C — Parte 1.
Capital Games, de Ilo Orleans. /Cazuza — O Tempo Não Pára, de . / Cidade de Deus. / Clube da Luta. / Consequências, de Darko Štante. / Consequências da Vida, de Daniel Armando. /
IV. D — Parte 1.
Desespero, de Gilles Coulier. / Diários de Motocicleta, de Walter Salles. / Dicionário de Cama. / Dirty Dancing. / Dogma, de Kevin Smith. / Dogville. / Domingo Sangrento, de. / Don Juan DeMarco. / Donnie Darko, de. /
E. E Sua Mãe Também, de Alfonso Cuarón. / Em uma Ilha Bem Distante, de Vanessa Jopp. / Emoções Reprimidas, de Jennifer Gerber. / Encantada, de Kevin Lima. / Encontros e Desencontros. / Esposa de Mentirinha, de Dennis Dugan. / Eu, Robô. /
G — Parte 1.
Gladiador, de Ridley Scott. / Guerra nas Estrelas, de. [Star Wars — Episódio I — A Ameaça Fantasma, de George Lucas. /
H. Harry Potter e o Prisioneiro de Azkaban, de Alfonso Cuarón. / Histeria, de John Blanchard. / Homem-Aranha 2, de Sam Raimi. /
I. Identidade. /
K. Kill Bill Vol. 1, de Quentin Tarantino. /
L — Parte 1.
Lady Peacock — De Salto para o Amor, de Jana (AJ) Mattioli. / Lara Croft — Tomb Raider, de Simon West. / Looney Tunes — De Volta a Ação. / Loucuras na Madrugada, de. /
M — Parte 1.
Madrugada dos Mortos, de. / Matrix, de The Wachowski Brothers. / Mentiras e Traições, de Mitu Misra. / Mestre dos Mares. / Missão de Honra, de David Blair. / Monstros, de Gareth Edwards.
N. No Amor e na Guerra. / Nos Becos de São Francisco, de Thales Corrêa. /
O. O Caçador, de Marco Berger. / O Dia Depois de Amanhã, de Roland Emmerich. / O Preço de Aleksander, de Pau Masó. / O Seminarista, de Joshua Lim. / O Silêncio dos Inocentes, de. / O Turbilhão, de Eusebio Pastrana. / O Último Samurai. / Os Condenados, de Scott Wiper. / Os Irmãos Marx no Circo, de Irmãos Marx. /
P. Paixão Mortal, de Malik Bader. / Party Monster. / Pearl Harbor, de Michael Bay. / Pedro Coelho 2 — O Fugitivo, de Will Gluck. / Peixe Grande. / Preso no Gancho da Vida, de Max Emerson. /
R. Recomeço de uma Paixão, de Tim Kirkman. / Regras da Atração. / Réquiem para um Sonho, de . / Resident Evil, de. /
S. Santa de Casa. / Senta a Pua!. / Sobre Meninos e Lobos. / Super Mario Bros., de Annabel Jankel & Rocky Morton.
T. The Falls — O Amor Não É Pecado, de Jon Garcia [The Falls — Testamento do Amor, de Jon Garcia; The Falls — O Pacto da Graça, de Jon Garcia.]. / Tróia. /
U. Um Dia nas Corridas, de Irmãos Marx. / Uma Grande Loja no Tempo do Onça, de Irmãos Marx. / Uma Mente Brilhante, de Ron Howard. / Uma Noite em Casablanca, de Irmãos Marx. / Uma Noite na Ópera, de Irmãos Marx. / Uma Noiva e Tanto, de Thomas Schlamme. / Underworld, de. /
V. Van Helsing, de. / Vingança à Sangue Frio, de Frédéric Petitjean. /
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