#Probs. im certainly complaining enough.

[orcelito]

So I found out upon checking my email this morning that the therapy appointment isn't in the health building like I thought, but rather in the basement of a boy's only dorm further north

Which brings up two problems: that's even further away than I'd accounted for, and I find it SUPREMELY uncomfortable to go to a boy's only dorm for therapy, even if the office is in one of the general areas.

I'd already been conceding on the matter of agreeing to talk to a man, since I'm generally uncomfortable with talking to men I don't know, but it was the soonest appointment I could get... so I agreed to it, but finding out it's in the boy's only dorm is just Too Much. Not only would it make it even harder to get there, but my skin just kinda crawls thinking about baring my fuckin heart in a place so thoroughly meant for guys. Like it's a place I don't belong, which REALLY does not help give the comfort kinda required of such an appointment.

I called the office asking if the appointment could be set up on zoom (bc it mentioned it in the email), but the therapist was staunch on it being in-person, so I rescheduled with a different person for the 13th. Bc if this dude isn't gonna be understanding with my discomfort with the location, like fuckin hell I'm gonna let myself be emotionally vulnerable with him. Bet he was thinking I was being too picky like "Oh it's a stupid Girl who can't handle being around Men" like sorry I have a healthy fear of guys I don't know 😋😋😋😋😋 if U have a problem with it then change society so talking to unknown men doesn't feel like walking in a minefield. Thanks.

[amaryllisblackthorn]

mainly dgs-2 spoilers, mention of small dgs-4 spoilers + possible tiny dgs-3 and dgs-5 spoilers [basically spoilers for dgs]

(major) spoilers for episode 2 of dai gyakuten saiban !! (minor) spoilers for episode 4, (even more minor) spoilers for episode 3 and episode 5

so something that I find a little baffling and frustrating is how many people genuinely think sherlock is 100% completely dumb after episode 2 and miss the fact that the end part of the episode reveals that sherlock actually had already figured basically everything out for real and was mostly trolling before that

like I know a lot of people by this point complain that the ending of the episode drags on and they're probably not paying close attention as a result but that means they miss something really really important!!!!

after sherlock says his 'tbh I intended to let Scotland Yard take it from here, the only reason I got involved was to help you out bc I felt bad, but I forgot that the deceased was a dear friend to both of you, so from here on out you should seek the truth with your own eyes' && the epic music (Reasoning Battle - Introduction i think) starts to play, Sherlock is not only on his game but is guiding Naruhodou the whole time.

he guides naruhodou to the realization that the food was drugged, that the whole crew was in on it, that the emergency stop locked the door, and of course that something was in asougi's fist.

sherlock prompts naruhodou  with deliberate questions that put him on the path of the truth. 'have you all noticed the throbbing too?' 'by the way as a stowaway how did you come by your meals? ah so last night the victim didn't eat any of the meal?... seriously after saying that aloud you still don't get it?' and, in a way, his theatre of logic and reason is very similar! he guides naruhodou onto the path of the truth by pointing out the significant tells and observations but intentionally gets the logic wrong so naruhodou has a frame to work with to figure it out himself (the theatre also helps naruhodou's confidence in asserting his assertions but that's another thing)

this last part reveals that sherlock was onto the actual truth before he entered the cabin the second time. for one, he did the second emergency stop to confirm his suspicion that it would lock the doors!! not to mention that HE INSPECTED ASOUGI'S FIST AND FOUND NIKOMINA'S EARRING IN IT which probably happened at the very beginning since Asougi's body has been moved when Naruhodo wakes up, meaning that SHERLOCK SUSPECTED/KNEW FROM THE BEGINNING THAT A WOMAN/NIKOMINA WAS IN THE ROOM WITH ASOUGI WHEN HE DIED. so his 'great deductions' about the snake and it being an accident with the cat??? they were a load of bull!! like I'm sure sherlock was actually genuinely shocked about susato's snake facts, but he didn't actually think it was a snake that did it!!!

to reiterate, before Sherlock even gave his great snake deduction:

he knew nikomina was in the room with asougi

he suspected the ship did an emergency stop to lock the door 

likely had suspicions that the food was drugged and thus the whole crew was in on it (strengthened when stroganoff reveals nikomina's connection with the sailors & naruhodou reveals the meal situation & others confirm their heads have been hurting)

knew that someone framed naruhodou (the emergency stop, the Russian on the floor)

his great snake deduction and his great cat accident deduction were not serious actual deductions!! he was trolling!! that's what the last part of the ep reveals!! like i mentioned before, his false deductions serve a purpose in helping naruhodou but i’ll prob talk about that more another time.

but the point is, this end part of the episode reveals that Sherlock is a lot smarter than he lets on!! it reveals that he is, in fact, a great detective. he’s still chaotic and distressed about the disillusionment of snakes and impulsive and certainly thinks a lot of himself and stuff, but he’s /not/ actually stupid. he’s a troll; a trickster. and again, this plays into his false deductions sometimes and i’ll prob get into that another time.

but so many people completely miss and overlook this!!! they think sherlock is, while possibly endearing, genuinely stupid and a bad detective; they think he’s all talk, instead of just a lot of talk (bc he does sing his own praises all the time lol). and like, i can kind of see why, because his introduction makes such a strong first impression and when it’s revealed Sherlock’s actually smarter than he’s been letting on near the end, many people are preoccupied with their frustration at how the end seems to be ‘dragging on’. !!!DGS-3 AND DGS-4 SPOILERS!!!  and then there’s a whole episode until his next appearance, so it’s kind of easy to forget what happened at the end episode 3 !!!/DGS-3 AND DGS-4 SPOILERS!!! 

but it’s honestly pretty frustrating bc so many people miss something that’s really important! 

i mean idk it could just be the small sample size i’ve seen that’ve been missing it and it isn’t as big of a thing as i sometimes feel it is, and it’s not like i’m angry at the people missing it or anything -- i just feel like dgs sherlock deserves acknowledgement (altho he acknowledges himself enough to compensate for it and then some, hehe)

!!!DGS-4 AND DGS-5 SPOILERS!!!

like, more than once i’ve seen people go ‘oh so iris is the real sherlock’ when they get to iris’ theatre of logic and reason, and again i can get why bc of the (intentional) stark difference between the theatres, but imo the main difference is that iris plays it straight, not that she’s actually better at it necessarily. and like, i appreciate that iris says that she ‘just mimics the real thing’ bc while she likes giving sherlock a hard time, she does acknowledge his abilities (heh it’s probably good for sherlock that iris likes giving him a hard time, to keep him grounded) -- from what I can recall atm i think Iris ‘put downs’ of Sherlock tend to relate to like his immaturity and impulsivity rather than like dumbery or ineptitude

and im not saying that iris isn’t better/smarter than sherlock bc iris is great and she could be, but my point is the ‘oh so iris is the real sherlock’ bc it’s attached to ‘sherlock is actually dumb but just thinks he’s smart/the best’ which. isn’t true!! it’s ‘iris is smart and sherlock is also smart’ as well as ‘iris is more straight-forward about it while sherlock is often a troll’ and i’m cutting myself off here to prevent myself from writing ten more paragraphs except im going to reiterate i’m not necessarily saying iris isn’t smarter than sherlock and honestly sherlock probably thinks she is and at the very least when she grows up she’ll surpass him and sherlock will be happy

!!!/DGS-4 AND DGS-5 SPOILERS!!!

i’ve gone off a little from my original point so i apologize for that. my main point was/is supposed to be that the end of ‘the speckled band’ shows that Sherlock is a lot smarter than he lets on bc it reveals he’s been figuring out the actual truth before he even gives his great snake deduction which also reveals that his great snake deduction and great cat accident deductions weren’t sincere and brings into question his other great deductions which i will hopefully get into in another post.

OH i forgot to include why i think sherlock was trolling, besides giving naruhodou a framework to work with to figure out what’s going on. it’s nothin super solid but basically it goes back to what sherlock said himself re: ‘the only reason i got involved was bc i felt bad that you were involved but i forgot the deceased was a dear friend to both of you’ and?? again i’m not 100% sure but it’s possible that Sherlock suspected that it was manslaughter and not intentional murder and so wanted to ‘solve’ the case so that the 15-yr-old fugitive wouldn’t have to be repatriated and also so Naruhodou would be cleared of suspicion, but eventually realized that Naruhodou and Susato deserved to know the truth behind the death of their loved one (and was later able to negotiate with the immigrations office on behalf of nikomina). the fact that sherlock went out of his way to encourage naruhodou to check the back of the newspaper he gives them (the one about nikomina) suggests that sherlock suspected nikomina’s involvement before they meet her as roylott in her cabin.  take in mind that this is taking into account only what we know as of dgs and not taking into account anything potentially learned in dgs2.

also this isn’t really part of anything, but sherlock also has adhd vibes which i appreciate (i have adhd-i which is a little different than his but still) even if it wasn’t intentional

[nochu-libre]

please don’t reblog

ok like I really didn’t want to write this essay but I’m just itching to say this and have been holding it in for a very long time haha. BIG DISCLAIMER is that im not defending them but i want people to understand why exactly they watch their idols commit these acts time and time again. please understand i am not defending but merely helping you guys see it from a different point of view. again not excusing their behaviour. understand??? ok.

okay so people from the west are always like but you should know by now!!! doing a is racist or doing b is racist. it’s 2019!!!

but the question is why? if I am a person from Korea, a monoethnic, racially homogeneous country (less than 5% are non-korean and top two nationalities are chinese and vietnamese which are u kno same skin colour basically), why would I personally take the time to know that or more importantly, how? I do not see people who are different from me (skin colour wise and also general culture) on a daily basis, I do not see their struggles on the news. I do not know these struggles exist at all. woke tweets/twitter threads/discourse on Twitter don’t reach me because 1 I most probably do not know English remotely well enough to understand it and 2 who is gonna retweet English stuff on my tl anyway. moreover, their news source is like naver articles and im v sure naver aren’t talking about this stuff. also big news outlets like vox or vice that typically talk about things like this certainly don’t have their articles translated in korean so I ask again, how?

now I won’t speak for people who have been called out on doing blackface and then apologizing and saying they understand only for them to turn around and do something racist again but for the general population I can promise you that they watched the news of trudeau getting called out for his blackface pics a while back and a lot of people in Asia went … that’s racist? yeah, most people didn’t know it was. and here’s where I want to say that it comes down to ignorance.

I’ll be very honest and say that I didn’t know blackface was a problem until I came to America to study. I didn’t know that the n word was derogatory until I was maybe 16. my country didn’t even censor the word when it was on radio until around 2013. Africans are few and far between in east Asian countries therefore there aren’t any people in our local population to tell us like hey that’s wrong. we learn what we learn about these things through tv & movies (which tbh doesn’t do a great job anyway and i’m sure you’d agree) and honestly you will be shocked to know how many people living in Asia still do not know that the n word is a derogatory term. I promise you that if you ask them they’ll tell you they think the word means bro/dude/homie and nothing else. i learned what i learned about the n word through movies and i know y’all are gonna laugh but i learned from things like django unchained, the help and etc. maybe learnt it from when a celebrity who got called out for using it. so i think you’ll understand now. if anything i blame their PR person for not educating them because surely they see the comments whenever they get into one of these situations.

but regarding the general population, they say we should know about slavery and thus how the n word came about because white Americans used it as a slur in that time and it still continues to this day. but to them I want to say how many of you listen to kpop and know even a sliver of korean history? how about the big one, the history between Korea and Japan? yeah I don’t think many do know or even if you do it’s barely surface level. (i’m talking in general, i know one or two of you are probs v smart and know all of this) maybe they’ll argue we should know about america and their struggles because they’re a powerful country, an economic powerhouse and to that I say what about China which is obviously an economic powerhouse of their own. do you know anything about China;s history or the country in general other than a lot of things are made there??? ye I’m pretty sure the answer is going to be no. sometimes i understand people going like wait how can you not know but then again if you put things into perspective, you’ll then understand why they don’t know. when you’re from your country, your news is the biggest news. likewise, in my country my country’s news is the biggest news too. we have our own problems and issues too that seem like the biggest things to us. that’s not to say american racial issues are not important but it’s just in the scale of things, maybe not as important as the immediate issues someone is facing. it’s like if i were asking an american to care about the korea vs japan thing. you wont because you’re not there, you know? or palestine vs israel, the racial or rather religion issue, war, killing, land issue (im oversimplifying the issue but i’m sure you get my point). again, NOT DEFENDING but put yourself in our shoes and you’ll see why some people don’t know it’s an issue even if it’s 2019.

so then comes the issue of cultural appropriation. i would like to say that it is a western concept or rather moral belief and teaching. I don’t think it exists in the east asian part of the world because they are again largely monoethnic/racially homogenous countries. see when you go to Korea and Japan they don’t mind if you wear the hanbok or kimono. in fact they encourage it lol like in korea you get free entrance to gyeongbukgong palace if you’re in traditional wear. thus it’s always odd to them when Asian Americans get upset over things like a white person wearing their traditional wear. (again not dismissing or dictating how Asian Americans should feel but merely trying to explain the difference in mindset.) take the white girl who wore a cheong sam/qi pao aka Chinese traditional wear to prom in America… Asian Americans got really upset meanwhile people in China were like yeah that’s cool that she chose to wear it!!! and that’s because we didn’t grow up in America and we didn’t get made fun of when we wore our traditional costume or when we brought our food to school. Thus, the concept of cultural appropriation is hard to grasp in that part of the world. So when we see other people wearing our stuff we’re like huh that’s nice/cute.

Even multicultural and multiracial countries like Malaysia and Singapore, we often wear each other’s traditional costume for celebrations and weddings and sometimes just for no reason. It’s normal to us so to this day cultural appropriation remains a very foreign concept. Mostly because we don’t know what it’s like to be made fun of for simply being us. So for us it’s like we see something we like, we wear it. it’s never been a problem so we never think to ask the question: should I not be wearing this? they say we should know that cornrows, gel twists and etc. belong to the black community and they are discriminated against when they have it but when white people have it, it’s okay but again… i’m not in your country, i don’t see your struggles, so therefore, i don’t know. i think the problem is people say like hey it’s racist, it’s cultural appropriation and that’s usually the final message that reaches them and never really the explanation. so they’re like hmm they say it’s racist but i don’t really understand why so i don’t see why it’s wrong and i’m going to keep doing it. AGAIN, not defending, just explaining. (also, for some reason cornrows are a thing to get on beaches in thailand. don’t know why… it’s just a thing and that’s honestly where i’ve always seen cornrows so for a very long time i didn’t know it was wrong to do it? still struggle with it too because my experience with cornrows has nothing to do with african americans, you know?) and this could be the same for many people. again, just explaining, not trying to say it isn’t wrong.

lastly, conservatism. yes namjoon speaks of things like gender identities and feminism and yoongi wanted the bt21 characters to be gender neutral and he hinted at how he doesn’t care about gender. ok but that’s two out of 7 of them. and then take the whole population. is lgbt frequently represented in their media? no. is marriage between lgbt partners legally recognized? no. does the average korean know what pansexual, asexual, gender fluid and so on means? probably not. they’re also still fighting feminism in Korea. ask an average guy what they think about feminism and you’ll get disgruntled moans. they don’t even see why there should be a female only carriage on their subway system. they think it’s a waste. even after the whole stabbing case in gangnam. and the prevalent problem korea has with hidden cameras and girls getting recorded unknowingly when they’re having sex. e.g: the burning sun scandal which of course had to do with WAY MORE than just that. then again korea has some sort of law where they can put a man in jail if they look at them in a way (probably like sexually e.g: ogling) or so my friends tell me. my korean guy friends were complaining about it, and i think it’s in a larger context of workplace harassment but yes that’s what they took away from it, which is telling of what they think about the feminism issue. also just ask the females in korean society how sometimes their brother is preferred over them. East asian cultures typically prefer males over females because the son will pass on the family name. the son will be the breadwinner etc etc etc. korea struggles with workplace equality too.

hierarchy is a big thing in Korea. age matters. just one year older and you have to use honorifics. don’t use them and they might actually physically fight you. if the older person serves you a drink, you must turn to your side before you drink from the glass. especially in workplaces if the older person says you’re wrong, then you’re wrong. arguing is discouraged. and it’s a very famous case but Korea airlines used to be one of the worst performing airlines (meaning there were a lot of crashes) and it was for this very reason. because of the cockpit gradient, meaning co-pilots felt they couldn’t tell their pilots something was wrong because the pilots are more senior thus they couldn’t argue. Google it.

in Korea filial piety is very strong. what your parents say is very important. disobeying them is almost like asking to be disowned. education is big. getting into SKY is the dream. largely unattainable if you are not the cream of the crop but there’s a loophole. if your kid studies overseas for 12 years, when they come back, it’s easier to get into SKY or uni in general. so for 12 years usually the mother and the children go to countries like Malaysia and send their kids to school there just so they can get into a university more easily. imagine that. parents willing to spend 12 years of their lives outside of their home country just so their kid can get into a good uni. and they want to go to SKY to end up in big firms like Samsung and the like. it’s why people do literally anything to get into SKY. and yes that includes going for extra classes until like 12 am. doesn’t matter if you don’t wanna study. you just gotta do it. a lot of pressure in korean society.

Koreans as a society are very herd-like. they all mostly think and dress and wear makeup the same. I know it sounds like I’m generalizing but if you were in Korea 2 winters ago literally almost everyone was wearing a long black puffer winter jacket. the kind that went to your ankles. and when I say almost everyone, I really mean it. there are pictures of it and even videos. and with a lot of trends it’s the same. the straight eyebrow trend. the pink eyeshadow trend. the permed hair trend for guys. Asian societies are taught to blend in rather than stand out. Americans for example reward individualism. that’s not really the case in Asia. in school a good student is a quiet student. not the outspoken student. again herd mentality isn’t exactly exclusive to korea and i dont know how to explain it but it’s quite next level in korea haha. if you’ve lived there or you know korean people, you know what i’m talking about.

then there’s the sogaeting trend… aka the blind date thing… anyway you gotta be a part of it when you’re in college. when in college it’s expected of you to find someone to date. everyone wants to be cc aka campus couple which is actual korean slang. feelsbad if you’re single. on the topic of dating, a lot of people especially older gen don’t like it when you date someone who isn’t korean. even those in our gen also. i’ve also heard it’s hard to make true friends in korea like they’ll always be surface friends but nothing more. i’ve heard this from friends who are fluent in korean too so it’s not really the language barrier. maybe cultural? sometimes they’re ignorant towards other cultures like if you’re from SEA and they haven’t been there before they’ll ask if they live on trees in the country you're from. this is a true story, happened many times.

also most college dorms have curfews and men and women live in separate buildings. and have you ever watched korean dramas and stopped to wonder why hugging is always such an omg moment? can you ever imagine a western rom com series and the cliffhanger of the episode is that they hugged? y'all would laugh. but that’s just what it’s like in Korea. girls and guys dont typically hug unless they’re dating. will never forget my korean friend bringing her other korean friends to their first ‘American’ party (meaning all the past parties they were at, there were only koreans in attendance) and they saw us hugging our guy friends and they’re like wait you guys aren’t dating and y'all hug??? and then they said 와 외국인 스타일… aka wow foreigner style. yes this isn’t everyone but it’s mostly everyone. that’s why celebs don’t hug each other because it’s not normal for them and ya their fan base would literally have an aneurysm. but u kno guys and guys are ok and girls and girls are ok. typically very touchy towards same gender. not sure why lol. also one night stands are also 외국인 스타일. and tattoos are sort of illegal. don’t get me started on drugs. you saw what happened with TOP. to them WEED = BAD. they’re like not weed NOOOO. it took them so long to allow it for medical use. yeah and abortion is a no. lots of christians in korea. also tons of very cult-like christian type of things. you’ve probably seen them shouting at myeong-dong if you’ve been.

that’s not to say korea is superbly conservative overall. i’m just saying it’s not a liberal happyland either. there are lgbt people, there are people who go for one night stands (apparently that’s what clubs are for lol they go there to pick the prey of the night) etc. etc. etc. i know this comes off kind of harsh but i like korea and a lot of my friends are korean and there are many wonderful things about the place and the people. but this is just the topic of discussion for the day thus it came out that way. disclaimer again that my intention is not to excuse their behaviour. just giving a different viewpoint. you may understand and still not agree. that’s cool. i’m always down to learn so if you intend to educate i’m always down to listen. no name-calling and stuff pls. doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

[brokenhayatim]

we might be dead tomorrow

[now playing the maze by manchester orchestra]

yesterday on a call, i had a moment of real possibility in having the decompression surgery. my neurologist last week said it was what she recommended and that chiari could be the cause of it all. so once i had it, they would most likely be gone, along with my headaches, then the meds i take would no longer be needed. it all hit me hard today and im feeling many emotions at this person who barely considered doing it for months. for god sake, i was in the hospital for it, a situation i never thought i would be in. (inshallah never again) 

you know some part of me loves being told i have a high pain tolerance, a big  part of me loves being poked with needles (!!) and loves looking at my mri’s. oh story time, the day my neurologist said something was different, aka wrong, i smiled in the chair and asked if i could look at it and went “ah cool!.” she gave me the wildest look but described all the brain anatomy stuffs to me. I told my therapist of this moment and he went “.oh...you were happy?” [types some notes on his computer] and i realized, normal people don’t do that and i probably said that badly with no shame. i wasn’t particular happy, but i was nowhere near sad or scared, i was excited. i think my dissociation makes me almost see everything as not mine. those aren’t my scans so i can be exhilarated and so curious about everything. or it could be that pain just isn’t something i worry or care for anymore. months later, i laughed bc something else being wrong with me, it’s almost fate. sometimes i wish i was terrified, but i didn’t care for it. i already had bad headaches, so what?

over these last few months though. it’s like i’ve made room in my home for it, i’ve become familiar with it, not so much comfortable, but so familiar that it doesn’t matter in the big picture. a secret: sometimes i feel really impressed and good when i tell of my imbalance issues, (vertigo), numbness in my limbs, the tinnitus and the nausea. sometimes..i wish i had more. i feel proud of myself when people have headaches, like i know the worst of that pain, and i’ve been through it. i don’t know if it’s because i want to be validated in having it or if it’s just how i am like that. i wish i could tell my sisters and everyone a whole list of symptoms, but all of them seem so useless and mediocre. i sometimes want that attention from just collapsing; but ironically, i hate being bothered and cared for with it. i found meaning in it all, i found a whole part of me within it all. i had headaches for 6 years before i, simply, told my general physician, and since then it’s been 5 (way too long of) mri’s and an EEG (that was certainly a moment). i wished, back then, i had seizures too. we called one of my pain symptoms “brain shocks” for years with that creative name and made it into this freeze “game”, and i just mentioned that two years ago in a visit. half of my identity is just on having headaches, of being in pain around people. and i’m stupidly fucking (sorry last day of ramadan) scared of losing that. i’ve taken more medications pills than i can count, and i know their purpose pridefully well. i’ve given advice based on that pain, i’ve helped someone with that pain. i’ll never be ready to lose that. i think of it and i imagine myself more empty. full of nothing.

the reason i’m writing this though wasn’t all that. i woke up and just felt this aching shame and sobbed, still am i can barely see, in my bed (so much snot). i’m so scared, more than anyone can possibly try to understand, of it all being gone. of never having to take a pill for this anymore (i still have dat mental illness so not those), or of never needing the knowledge of different types and locations of headaches. i’ve began to feel prideful in having a neurological condition. it makes me something, i have something i can tell. this is the thought that started the spiral. i feel something with this pain. what will happen when i can’t feel this anymore? what will i turn to next? what does the loss feel like? (is that corny or shallow bc it sounds so??) my therapist asked me ‘why i didn’t want to rid it?’ and i was like ‘i genuinely don’t know’ to which he replied ‘i think you do’ and i was all sIR i legit don’t know pls tell me. i made up this random guess and stuttered through it, it felt out of body almost, leaving my lips. what if getting rid of this physical pain forces me to submerge myself in my emotional pain and deal with that? i feel like i have none pls..me?? i’m chill sans the moments like this. (he also says my tether to pain is like penance, some kind of self punishment i feel i deserve..so lettuce chill bro). but the physical pain of headaches, the imbalance, the dizziness, even the numbness in my legs, i always feel something. it’s something i can remember in my head then move past. and when i remember it later, it’s intoxicatingly satisfying and i want it to happen again. i wish i collapsed or had to crawl to my room more often. i like..want to boast about it?? i remember that moment vividly being a ‘this is it’ one too. i was home alone crawling to my room bc my legs gave out and i needed my meds for my pounding headache, and i genuinely thought i was gonna die there on the floor. that moment of me hating and scared of it though is so fleeting, only lasting the day probs. and a part of me will always hate it. that’s normal. but that’s not strong enough to overcome me. it’s bittersweet.

“it’s not the same, but it’s similar to people losing their limbs, or injured so badly they’re forced to give up their career, or an addict quitting using drugs.” sure, but you can notice, you can see all that. this is all in my head.  unless you see my mri’s you would never even guess. it was why i wished my diagnosis was something with seizures, at least that’s something noticeably neurological that i can recognize myself. (am i a bad person? baby no doubt.) my old roommate once said she didn’t even know i had headaches often because i never complained or mentioned it. i would just go to the pantry and take my pill as you would with a cookie. and i’ll never be any other way, and i never was. i grew up closing the bathroom door when i threw up, washing my face after crying and walking back in the kitchen to my mom. i grew up missing moments of laughter and joy with my sisters to just lay in a dark room in pain, being checked on at the some time in the night. even to this day, i will sit in lectures when my head is pounding and i know i’ll throw up soon. anyways, my three sisters were talking about one of the other’s qualities and how amazed they are bc ‘they would never’. one of them had actually gone to class, and i softly mentioned how i am like that too, i think i’ve missed three classes in my four years (minus calc bc the class was more confusing than teaching myself). i said i’ve sat through night classes with headaches and with no meds for three hours and they were like mmm. i almost felt jealous that she always spoke of her small and big achievements, and i speak of none. no one even knew my major till this year. why, allah, why am like this? what made me too reserved and careless of myself? my education is the only thing that makes me feel worthy in the eyes of others...so mine, and i never even share it. it’s that, perfect on paper, that’s how i want to be. (because i know i’ll never be otherwise) i get up in a week of seclusion & sobbing and head off to class, sometimes i cry in class (iconic moments truly, your glasses hide wonders). last year i was sitting in this three hour class with excruciating (and i don’t use that lightly) pain in my head to the point where i had to cradle it with my hands and nearly bang it against the table from thrashing, i was in the middle of the room so i did a 10/10 job at playing it off. i never went to the bathroom or even home early...because i had another class after..which it persisted in. i had never felt that before in my entire life. another day, i silently cried like you wouldn’t believe in the bathroom stall (after uncharacteristically leaving the room) then wiped my tears, fixed my makeup and went right back into class. anyways does that even matter? am i even strong? i want to be so badly. for real this time, not this image. and i’m not. i’m barely enough as it is. 

odd tangent: i don’t care enough or at all about the people i should and i lie to make em feel good and feel better. i know people that love me would still, with this loss of pain, but i doubt myself, and i underestimate them yeah. i say 'them’ like i care what half the people in my life think or care about, it’s just noor and rose. i love rose but i don’t bring these things up, i don’t normally update and i don’t think i’ve ever opened up about my trauma enough for it to mean more than anything superficial. we have this beautiful relationship, yet i don’t find purpose in telling her if need not be, maybe one day. it’s different with noor. i babble all the damn time about everything and feel myself have no filter with these things. i mean, i mention noor to rose too, as if she’s a mutual friend. i care for them both. i love them both in different ways, both ways that are rare for me. rose wasn’t the first person i’ve met or cared about, but she was the first person i remember loving the way i do. i wish i could describe how i feel for noor simply, but i can’t. there was a long-while where she was more important to me than my family, even my sisters (i know, i was like uhmmm). i’ve written something, poem or prose, of almost everyone that was close to me aka 4 peeps (let’s not get wild here). and yet, i’ve written nothing of noor. i’ve written for her yes, but not of her. i tried and it’s arguably the hardest thing to do and i’m quite adequate at writing, if i do say so myself. i tried once in 2017, i stared at the screen for so long just backspacing bc nothing made sense. she’s my emotional support high school sweetheart that renders me powerless with my own words. (does that help?)

back to our scheduled program:  physical pain. it’s been maybe 10 years now that i’ve made a home for it. sometimes the lights go out when it gets bad, and sometimes i decorate with flowers when it excites me and brings something new. the house is probably the ugliest thing you’ve even had to lay your eyes upon, but it’s the best i got and it’s mine to come home to. i wouldn’t give her up without a fight. and i think that’s what my mind has been doing for so many months. trying to save my home, trying to keep every symptom of pain that i have. one day i’ll have to move out or i just die in here. both are changes i just can’t seem to make. i feel like i’m running out of time to sell it and move out, to do something and get rid of the pain. and, i feel like i’m making a mistake choosing to die in here, ignoring it and having it stay or get worse. if it gets worse, i’ll need help and the day i stop feeling like a burden to people, especially my family, let me know would ya. i don’t even often know how to ask for help if i wanted it - and then there’s being cared for that’s a nope to me. i can handle every moment of my pain from all my symptoms and condition, and yet i’m the weakest person in so much. i’m not a person that fears much, most times i find it impractical honestly. i reminded myself of that on my bedroom floor last year in february, during a moment of weakness. (also yes i use a lot of home analogies in writing ok) note: i’ve been mulling through this surgery decision for maybe a year on end now.

do i wish i was scared and worried to feel an ounce of normalcy? of course. but i’m not, i wasn’t even relieved with the diagnosis that day, went out and got pizza broo. even when i thought i was going insane. because what does it matter if it doesn’t change the pain? it’s kind of strange, but when i think of all this physical pain ( is it mental too idk??), i hear this voice in my head that smoothly and confidently says “gimme all you got.” i daydream of how much more i can take, what different things my brain and body can devise before i crack. and, obviously this voice personified does this...with finger guns.

[leonmckennedy]

a lil while back @likeappletrees suggested this [ kinkmeme prompt ] to me and it’s becoming much more of a Longer Thing than i anticipated. so. here’s the first part? its in progress so bear w/ me pls (also i just want it known that i Meant for this to just be pwp but instead theres just PINING NOW. IM SORRY. I CANT HELP IT)

parts: one (here!) [two] [three]

skill is in the eye of the beholder (and this beholder has great attention to detail)

ignis had, to a most unfortunate degree, underestimated the dogs of the empire. the magitek infantry seemed monstrous at first sight, unapproachable in a hoard, but upon closer inspection they weren't much. just machines, machines with a pretty punch, but machines.

but, that "pretty punch" is exactly whats ailing him now. they've fought mts in small groups before, but never a hoard as large as the one they currently face. ignis would have suggested a strategic retreat, had their escape route not been completely swamped with the things, brandishing their weapons and stalking close to them. So they all kept together and fought. And it was going well right until the point where ignis turned his back on an enemy --and he screams at himself for this later, such an irresponsible thing to do, you know better-- and gets a sharp sword to his side as a result.

ignis swings around when he feels the mts presence, but it isn't fast enough to avoid the blade, slashing deep and hot into his right side. he yells out, loudly but cut short by the pain as he stumbles away. the mt goes for another hit, but ignis is thankfully aware enough to dodge it, only dropping to the ground and rolling a few feet away because damn if moving didn't hurt, currently.

among the usual battle chatter, he hears the others screaming his name. noctis, with his worry barely hidden in his voice, is fighting through a rather large group of mts that have surrounded him. he looks desperate, as best as ignis can see from his low vantage point and he keeps looking in ignis' direction and he slowly mows down the robots in front of him. part of ignis wants to yell at him to keep his eyes forward, lest he end up like ignis now. underestimated indeed.

gladio is also too far away, having a much better time of taking down the things but struggling to advance because there's so many of them. at realizing that he can't do much from his side of he field, the man relents and turns his head, yells "help iggy!" as he buries his sword into another hunk of metal.

the mt in front of ignis has been approaching ignis with it's strange gait, its upper body seeming to twist at odd angles. ignis goes over his options as he watches it, knowing he could roll to dodge one attack but would be wide open for a second one. he could summon his daggers again, but from such s low stance he wouldn't do much other than hold it back for a moment. ignis steels himself either way, because he's definitely not going down without a fight either way. the mt raises his sword, ignis grits his teeth, and--

"got 'im!"

there's a flurry of bullets suddenly, rapid fire that thuds into the machine's metal back, halting it's current action. it seems to stutter for a moment before turning around to look st the source. ignis turns to look as well, because in his pain-addled state it had been the last thing he expected.

apparently prompto had been closer to ignis than he knew, the young man answering gladio's request with gusto. gusto, being the term ignis would use, because prompto is certainly approaching the enemy with lots of energy. it's surprising ignis, because prompto hates battles, is always the first one to complain about a monster being to big or scary or gnarly looking. but yet here he is, running in with his gun blazing, staring the beast in the face.

with a grunt, prompto avoids the swing the mt decided to aim towards him, and he drops to the ground. he uses his running momentum to slide underneath the thing. it's not a perfect slide, as the mts legs are far apart in its stance but not far enough, so to compensate prompto grabs it's leg as he goes, using it as leverage for him to lift his gun arm and fire several shots into it's undercarriage. ignis doesn't have to see it up close to know prompto aimed for the spots between its armor, the small unprotected spots that were in an area people werent supposed to see, because the way the mt stutters to a halt and shakes is all the proof he needs.

prompto rolls to a stop and jumps to his feet quickly, using the small opening he has to kick the mt in the back, sending it sprawling to the ground.

ignis doesn't have time to really register what happens until prompto is suddenly at his side, pulling him to an unsteady sitting position.

"i got you, ignis!" prompto says, producing a potion from one of his pockets. he applies it to ignis' wound, releasing a breath when he sees the green glow that means the magic is working.

ignis takes in a gasping breath as the pain dissipates. he coughs, looking up at prompto hovering over him worriedly, and.... in all honesty, he doesn't see prompto at all.

not the prompto he knows, the one who complains about how scary the night is, who makes cracks about everything he'd rather do than be in a battle at the moment. who noctis sticks closer to instinctively, because he doesn't want anything to happen to his less experienced friend. ignis doesn't see the barely trained, greenhorn that wiggled his way into the crownsguard by luck. as prompto grabs his hand and hauls him to his feet, patting his back in a friendly manner, ignis sees prompto as he is.

a fighter.

he doesn't have the battle experience or training the rest of them have, but if that little stunt told ignis anything, it was that prompto is plenty prepared.

"are you okay?" prompto leans to get a good look at ignis' face, frowning.

ignis clears his throat. "yes. you... you have my thanks."

"no prob-- wouldn't be the same without ya, ignis."

ignis nods to prompto, who gives him a smile and then turns back towards the battle field, already going at a sprint towards their two companions, the ones swamped with the brunt of the mts. ignis finds himself watching prompto as he follows, watches how prompto approaches the mts fearlessly and attacks them head-on. watches the accuracy to his bullets, the effectiveness to his kicks. prompto is a fast runner and has pretty good reflexes, so while he doesn't dodge attacks in a graceful manner he does so quickly and effectively, and a good majority of the time is prepared to counter attack immediately.

at first, ignis is surprised. were these things he hadn't noticed before? perhaps he'd just assumed prompto, who noctis sticks close to just in case, who didn't spend years in the crownsguard like he or gladio, needed to be protected. assumed he wouldnt be able to hold his own. he starts making notes to himself, rearranging the mental file of things he knew and once understood about the man.

when they finally trash the last of the bothersome monsters and verbally celebrate their victory, ignis can't help but let his eyes wander over to prompto. prompto stretches his arms and shoulders after the battle, no doubt because of all the recoil from his pistols, and ignis watches the lean muscles as he moves back and forth. and ignis imagines prompto must be like that all over-- lean, powerful muscle.

ignis takes a steadying breath, looks away before prompto can meet his eyes.

he.... may have a problem.

[survivorindia]

His attitude? It ain't helping his whiny ass. - Julia (Episode 6)

I'm still angry espically jaiden he can go fuck Off i hate him like please go block me some more jaiden with your dumbass

Ruben is the most self righteous asshole I've ever met in a game and it pisses me off so bad that he gets to walk around like he is the shit, when in reality the bitch amounts to probably nothing in this game past the new Parvati tribe. His attitude? It ain't helping his whiny ass. It's so annoying like i swear he can quit complaining about challenges he dosent like and maybe actually try and win them by a landslide and not by a point, than we would really not have to go to tribal? I hate having to be nice to him because he is soo fucking annoying. Go back to your other community than bitch if you don't like this one. Fuck off.

I feel like every fucking confessional I make is to bash these people but I honestly don't like them. My game is in their own hands, and I can be leaving because of it. Like go ahead and form your all newbie alliance, see where it gets you and your dumb fucking asses in the merge when you have majority returnees. And not to mention I bet sarah wouldn't be happy if i left

Mastermind was great, I was surprisingly really good at it!!! Getting a tie for the lowest score on my tribe also makes me look good, so that's a plus! 

Well here we are, the dreaded tribal council once again. But WHEW, what a round. So Jaiden has hopefully been called out on all his shit. Me Dom Sarah and Julia all compared notes and i think we've established that he his a lil shit and none of us trust him. Ummm Whitney is probably going this round, probably unanimous with her self voting. I think it should be fine everyone seems to realize she is just given up. So i think I should be safe this round. let's see what happens :)

http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/mreidjr/78051217/7913/7913_900.gif So I just went on call with Dom. And you know what he told me? He said that Sarah and Julia have told him everything I said about him. From how I felt like he was too much, how I didn't like him at all, how I wanted to use him to get further in the game. All that shit. That's why I voted for him, according to them. It's real funny because for a while, I did believe those things to be true. Sarah was the first person I talked to about all that. I thought she was my friend, I really did. But I see why she's on the villains tribe, because she's a heartless, cold-blooded viper. The entire Dom vote came as a result of her and Julia wanting him gone. Certainly, I didn't help with them coming to that decision, but it's become evident to me that this is the person everyone parades around and claims to be best friends with. We talk about that Bangladesh final tribal where Sarah cries over how Eddie betrayed her so badly, but then here she is, acting like a complete hypocrite. She can say that these two situations are not the same, which they are not, but the knife she plunged into my back burns the same. I can't say that I didn't see this coming. I fucked up, so it makes sense why everything spilled out in front of me on the dirt floor. Now I have to work on making people like me again, because I don't think they'll trust me for a while. We can say that I have a long road ahead before I can regain their trust, but the truth is that I have a much steeper path to the finish than before. They might not ever trust me, so I need to give them a reason to understand me. I don't know how, but I'll try. I'll take the knife that was firmly planted in my back and return it to its rightful owner one day. I did these things for her, and while she was always on my hit list, no matter that she was low, I think she's found her way to the top. Karma is a bitch, and so is she. Maybe I won't win this fight, but I think I'll die trying, and I'm at peace with that.

So last tribal council was....interesting lol. Going into tribal council I had Alex trying hard as fuck to get Dom/Me and Lexi/Robin to split our votes. I could tell he knew we were all close and when he suggested the girls vote this way and boys vote this way plan, I immediately caught onto what he was trying to do. He definitely had a hidden agenda. What I didn't think about at the time and I should have, but how did he find out about the four of us being close. And my question was answered when one, Jaiden tried getting me to throw my vote on Alex and two, Jaiden fucking voted with Johnny, Alex, and Julia against Dom. This pissed me off because I trusted Jaiden with every ounce of my soul. Between him and the other 3 people of my "alliance", I thought they were all the only people I could trust in the game. Yet he went behind my back and tried voting Dom out. Luckily Dom pulled out his idol, took out Johnny, and gave us the majority going into future tribals. However my trust for Jaiden is gone. And Alex/Julia are both viewed as shady fucks in this game in my eyes. I see how they wanna play the game now, which is fine because they are so predictable... Anyway with Johnny gone, it gave my crew the numbers despite Jaiden playing both sides HARD. He made it clear that he was closer to Alex/Julia when they both told me everything I had said to Jaiden while Jaiden was not telling me this. It's fucked up, because Jaiden went from on of my closest allies to one of the shadiest guys I know. Still, I kinda need to keep him on the good side with me because I already don't know many peeps in this game. Moving on to the next challenge it was revealed as the "Heroes Challenge." Everybody said it was a potential swap with the volunteers from each tribe being captains. And even if that wasn't true, I was confident that whomever competes for their tribe will also receive a clue to the idol. Therefore rather either of those two were true or not, I wasn't about to risk someone like Alex or Jaiden getting that advantage. So obviously I volunteered, despite me thinking I would probably lose or even throw the challenge lol. However I ended up BARELY winning the challenge. I decided I wanted to win it for two reason. One, if I won I might receive an idol clue and Two, I wanted to send the other tribe to tribal to hopefully see Whitney or Liam voted out as I knew they were apparently targets. Plus I guess I sort of wanted to look like a Hero of the tribe. So moving forward, I think I want to lose challenges more. I don't want to miss an opportunity to get out Julia or Alex (thinking that keeping Jaiden around might be smarter for me personally. Especially since Jaiden now has a fucked relationship with Alex/Julia). Still, if it's another volunteer type thing my allies HAS to be the ones to volunteer lmao. The idol must stay out of their hands!!!!

Let this flu kill me. I can't even think rn.

yes im crazy

Watching the NBA Dunk Contest as I write this, but a lot has happened as of late. My #1, Alex, is now in a compromising position given the last tribal on his swapped tribe. Jaden is a snake. I'll finish this confessional after tribal. The Liam vote is mine by the way!

I can't wait for this merge to come up soon. I definitely thought we were swapping with it when Ruben/Sarah went head to head. Now that we didn't, I guarantee the two of them got some special prize for putting their head on the line there. I just need to make the merge or swap with Gavin. Us two are really tight and there's a lot of things that can go wrong to where we can't meet back up and run things. So I'm just praying at this point.

Welp we're voting for Whitney because she is dead as fuck.

Oh no we lost for once. Whitney is prob going tonight cuz who even is she? We dont know.

Hello again, we’re going to tribal for the first time as swapped tribes, which is the thing I dread most in the game. It’s so irritating because I can’t connect with these people excluding Jordan. Casey is never on to talk about the game and doesn’t seem like she ever wants to strategize which is annoying due to the fact that she is the only one from my original tribe. We also have Sarah who I’ve heard speaks to everyone in the game and will barely talk to me. Liam and Whitney haven’t replied to me and Whitney just has not been online at all. Gavin speaks to me every once in awhile but rarely about game and is acting overly suspicious after I notified him I heard Whitney from multiple people. He didn’t agree and didn’t disagree so he does not trust me and does not seem to want to vote Whitney lmao. He can go soon enough even though we could align and make a big move against people who are noticeably aligned with a large majority of the cast. I hate people who want to float by and do nothing while they get played by these power players; it just dulls the experience. I like a lot of the people on the other tribe so being swapped onto this tribe was just a big letdown. Here’s to hoping I’m not voted off over someone who’s never here which would be embarrassing but more so to the ones who don’t know what a big move is.

As for me personally, I’ve been trying to play the dumb role and acting as if I don’t have a clue as to what’s going on most of the time. I also let others see me as trustworthy, make alliances for me so they cannot be traced back to me starting them and will let Jordan assume that I’m his puppet. I considered voting Jordan so I could blame the vote on someone else and I would assume he would believe me over others since we’ve had multiple heart to hearts. It’d bring some necessary fun into this game because quite frankly it’s been dull. The only reason I could not go through it was due to the weird prior connections everyone has had from original tribes and the way the votes would shake down wasn’t 100% so if they decide not to vote Whitney then it would unravel and such. I’ll just try to keep myself safe for now and then would have enough time to make big moves further down the road. Perhaps Whitney could hold off on coming online for a little while longer and just be removed?

I'm so happy I've gotten this far in the game! I'm guaranteed 15th place at this point I believe which is much better than I had anticipated after going through the struggles of being on the bottom in the Nayak tribe. I'm glad we won immunity but I'm also concerned. Jaiden doesn't seem to be doing too well. It looks like a lot of person issues exploded between him and a few other people. Game wise, this is great for me because people play with their emotions so they're more likely to want to get rid of him than me. He's like a meat shield for me. I've talked to him though and I feel bad. It's an online game and I don't think people should be taking these things personally. This should be fun and not affecting someone's mental health negatively. I hope he feels better and that he finds some way to get himself in a better position in the game. I wouldn't mind helping him out with that.

So jaiden betrayed us in the last vote and we had no clue dom was getting votes until the last minute so good thing he played his idol. I wish ruben would of lost that duel challenge so we could of sent julia or alex out the door. Keeping jaiden is beneficial since her and dom will just be at each other and not us.