#REGARDLESS I HOPE YALL HAVE A GOOD DAY!!! SORRY FOR TALKING SOOOOO MUCH!!

[luca---paguro]

suuuuper experimental luca piece because i wanna get good at backgrounds

[moonjxsung]

STAR IM DEVASTATED so i have a priv twt acc right w some irls and this stay from stayville req-ed me a long time ago and i was soooo happy that i was mutuals w someone from stayville and i THOUGHT everything between us was cool? but today they unfollowed me and removed me as a follower and im devastated i dunno why they did that :((( i don't think they had a problem w me saying nsfw stuff cuz they previously tweeted things like "cancelling someone over saying smth nsfw abt an adult is stupid" and also ive seen them interact w nsfw minsung posts so i dunno if me tweeting smth like "i wanna suck flxs cock sooooo bad" couldve made them wanna break the mutual??? i dmed them too and i was like "heyy is there a reason you don't wanna be moots w me anymore </3" and not even minutes later they turned off their message perms and im devastated. its STUPID bcs they'd barely interact w me Sure but it felt nice to have a stay be my friend on my priv twt that's usually just for my irls and i </3 it's ironic that they did that too bcs just earlier today (before they broke the mutual) i noticed that my followers went down (i have a very low amt already. like. 25. not even joking) and i tweeted "yall dont wanan be friends w me anymore </3" bcs like. my followers are QUITE LITERALLY only my irls + a skz writer so i was (i think rightfully??) alarmed that the number went down!!!! man im just Sad about it and SIIIGH i know i shouldnt care so much bcs at the end of the day they're just a person online but the least they could've done was dm me back and explain why and GHFSDDSJHFKJADDSDSAAAAA you get me!?!! also im sorry i dropped this on you randomly feel free to ignore LMAAOOAOAO can i be 💫 anon? thank yew <3

(Adding 💫 to the anon list!!! Also fun fact that’s my favorite emoji of all time. Slay)

I feel like I’m the LAST person who should be giving advice abt this bc one of my mutuals and a very good friend of mine who I’d been talking to every day randomly blocked me on everything this week after me literally being there to console this person for every little thing and playing into this pretend homoerotic friendship we had even though she was clearly looking for another boyfriend and would get mad if I even called another girl pretty (???) I wish nothing but the absolute best for her but like…. The double standard is WILD. to not provide closure to a months-long friendship is just genuinely a very mean spirited thing to do imo.

(If she’s reading this, best of luck with everything and I hope you know I cared for you a lot more than you think I did. I distanced myself because you were clearly looking for someone to fill a void in your life that I could simply not fulfill, and I didn’t want to lead you on, nor be kept around like I wasn’t allowed to talk to other girls either. Regardless, I hope you know I used to sleep with my phone on full volume in case you called, and I deleted a page worth of poetry in my notes app for you I meant to deliver on your birthday. I also deleted your number so I have zero way of contacting you, but I will always be here if you need me. Take care and I love you always, I hope you still see me when you look up at the moon)

It’s not the first time I’ve lost an internet friend to the magical world of blocking, but fortunately the attitude I’ve developed towards it is that none of this is real!!! These are people on the internet miles away you’ve never met irl and they have no real impact in your life whether they remain following you or not. I’ve lost internet friends nearly a decade ago that I don’t even remember anymore. Better ones will come along!!! Especially stays! This fandom has so many beautiful remarkable people who are actually worth following and they wouldn’t cut you off like that. Sending so many positive vibes your way and I KNOW that the universe will send you some better mutuals. In the meanwhile I will be your internet bestie and I would never unfollow you for nsfw content or without some form of an explanation. And I also want to suck Felix’s dick. 🩷🫶

(I love you, don’t be so hard on yourself!!!! You’re wonderful, angel 🩷 anyone would be lucky to be moots with you)

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Fri 8 Mar

Louis promo, day two, stunt time. Are we surprised? Some are, some are not. The Dan Wootton interview came out and yeah, anything you might have imagined being in there, it is and it’s worse. But is it a smoking gun proving once and for all that Louis is straight, Freddie is his large child and Eleanor his future wife? I mean...

Let me say first and foremost that it's unpleasant to deal with and if you're feeling upset or anxious, that's totally valid! Trying to reconcile multiple versions of reality and receiving contradictory information from someone you trust is a serious mindfuck and not okay and it's very reasonable to feel bad as a result- it does not make you a bad fan or weak to have these feelings! Please be gentle with yourselves. For me, it helps to analyze and approach the situation logically so let's look at this whole mess. First of all there are two different reasons people are upset-- one is the fear that Louis is telling the truth about everything, the other is being sure that he isn't but having gotten hope up that he wasn't going to have to lie anymore. The first then- was Louis straight all along, is the kid his, does he think larries are crazy, etc? The problem with this scenario is that it's all or nothing- like if you believe him today you have to believe, right out of the box, that he and Harry were never together, and that truly strains the bonds of reality. For me, that's quite a bit harder to swallow than believing that a gay musician might exist and be closeted and lie. I don't have room here to go through everything piece by piece but plenty of blogs are doing that, and there are plenty of plot holes to chase down (the mysterious disappearance of Danielle is especially entertaining, as always), but I think this one major thing is the weak thread that when you pull it, the rest unravels. As for that, the one thing that he doesn't go full anti on in the podcast? Harry. On that subject he says only how good his album was, how much he respects him, that their relationship is one of mutual respect, and how much their relationship has matured. He also talks about how important it was to have the support of his significant other when Jay was dying and while he says he's talking about Eleanor, it's worth mentioning that 1) they theoretically weren't together then 2) she wasn't in the country and 3) Harry was verifiably around (much as he is right now for Louis’ release time). A few other quick takes, sorry for everything I have to leave out- he goes hard on Elounor but is quick to shut down the idea that they might be getting married, the Zouis stuff sucks but wbk this is what it is but he does say he doesn't know if a 1D reunion will be OT4 or OT5 when it for sure happens in the future, and the only actual conspiracy he addresses and denies is that Freddie is a doll.

Anyway moving on to the second issue, that Louis is still having to do this and that the baby narrative is alive and well in the year of our lord 2019, yeah. It sucks. So what is happening? Why is this still happening under the new team and should we hate them now? No! Everything we've seen still stands, they're doing great work for Louis, our boy is releasing his music and it's being appreciated and it's a wonderful thing. ONLY this media outlet is asking about or reporting on this stuff. One other interviewer mentioned Freddie VERY briefly in passing and Louis chose not to acknowledge or respond, and that's it. But Louis is still with Syco, with Simon Jones. And Simon and Dan Wootton are very close, as in personal friends, and SJ loves this narrative, and Wootton loves getting exclusives and he loves this narrative. Is Syco punishing Louis? Are they just very bad at their jobs? Whatever reason, Simon Jones is in charge of UK press and this is definitely him. So are we seeing a clash between the teams? Some interpret the LTHQ tweet (basically, “SOOOOO how about that single??”) shortly after the interview dropped as evidence of this. 

Others point to this morning's weirdly timed emergence of 40 seconds of unseen footage from the most iconic of Larry moments, the Paris Valentine's day interview, after 7 years in a vault. What is up with that? An archive coincidentally deciding to capitalize on Louis’ publicity for clicks now (but not any other time in the last seven years)? SBB in action? Louis’ new team feeding both sides of the fandom at once and trying to keep two grenades in the air without fumbling either? His clever new team subverting the narrative of the old team who still hold sway? Regardless it's cute AF, do recommend. The site suggests there might be 7 more minutes of footage available for a price but it isn't clear if that's more unseen footage or the aired parts. It also isn't clear to me why no one has bought it yet if it's really for sale but maybe they're just closed on the weekend or something.

Moving on (can we please?) my lord, there's so much else to cover. Two Of Us spotify vertical video is out, Jordan Green did an amazing job and it's really lovely, we're absolutely spoiled for video content and we don't even have the main music vid yet. So much unreasonably pretty Louis. Oprah fucking Winfrey is out there promoting Two Of Us! She lists it as NUMBER ONE in a list of songs for Mother's Day that will make you smile which, okay ouch? I don't know about that? But still, WOW. There's a giant billboard of Louis in Times Square!! Amazing. The song is still at number one worldwide (suck it A Star is Born)! A new Louis song has been registered and it's the one he co-wrote in the Secret Genius sessions- could this be the previously mentioned next single? Could they be planning on doing back to back single releases BE STILL MY HEART. LT19 indeed! Louis will be on Graham Norton's radio show Mar 23! Liam posted about Two Of Us! And in the thanks…I guess… column, James Corden and the guy from The Wanted let us know how much they liked the song.

Currently, Louis is out on the town with the usual public event gang, including Eleanor. Ping pong was involved.

AND sorry to relegate yall to a note at the end but, hi Harry, we miss you! He tweeted for international Women's Day, “thank you to all the wonderful women of today yesterday and always“ and followed some badass professional women on IG. Niall also tweeted, “love to all the amazing ladies out there” and took questions on IG, as usual answering candidly and openly and still somehow providing very little information. It really is an amazing talent he has, when he's old enough and finally ready to be president of Ireland it will serve him well in his political career. He does stoke the flames for the new material a bit, saying he's written 40 songs since Jan(!) and that Red Rocks footage is coming.

[survivorkochang]

Rites of Passage

Here are Anna Janes and Tobis’ Rites of Passages!

Anna: Cullan! Aka Mercury! Man you were a trip, ok I just opened our messages because a lot has happened this game and I’m having a hard time remembering everything. AH, so I really liked Goodman and you wanted him out over Jayden and I hadn’t talked to Jayden a lot so I wasn’t down for it. Then I think you went for Mitch who was my ride or die and I wasn’t gonna have that. Then there was controversy of “who said Goodmans name!” but regardless, I think if you got further you would have been sooooo entertaining! I wish you nothing but the best and hope you continue to play orgs!

Tobi: Different tribes and we never talked but sorry for your early boot

Anna: Hi! I didn’t get to meet you this game :( 

Tobi: Hihi so actually louise and I both knew you were leaving no matter what and we just voted with you so that our relationship in BAR wasn’t affected and it didn’t really matter in the end bc I flipped anyway LOL

Anna: Hi! I didn’t get to meet you this game :( JK but wow were you inactive lol, i mean you were in like 5 games and I’m sure Seamus forced you to play/wouldn’t let you withdraw your app so thats probably why LMAO uhh yeah i’m glad you were inactive because you scare me and i think we totally would have butt heads. Your vote out was pretty simple because tobi had got screwed over by his OG tribe and was looking to come over to my side, and you weren’t there so it was really easy. You’re an icon and i’m sure if you were active you would have easily made merge

Tobi: Hey sistur yes I did throw you under the bus and I apologize because it was either you or me and I didn’t want to leave so ya hope ur doing okay tho <3 icon

Anna: oh goodman, how i adored you. It was so obvious this was your first game and i really wanted to just tuck you under my wing and bring you to the end with me LOL but i think you had a hard time keeping secrets…. Like you told Frankie about the plan to blindside him and leave him out of the 2 tribal fiasco and i was like GOODMAN WTPPP but you were so sweet and genuine with me. I think once you get a hand on these orgs you’ll totally be able to rock them out! 

Tobi: Different tribes and we never talked but sorry for your early boot

Anna: a LEGENDARY MESS wow, so like i don't know where to start, it was so funny because we hadn’t even had a conversation yet and you created an alliance with me nicole and mitch. I would like to THANK YOU for starting that alliance because with that, came the me/mitch and nicole alliance that lasted LITERALLY all the way to like f7. But the way you talked to me in the alliances was just very demanding and made me feel icky. I don't rly love being told what to do and in these games i will pretend like i’m following the orders of the people who are doing the demanding just to like boost their ego but in reality im just gonna do my own thing and do whats best for me. The minute u were like really demanding towards me was when i was like ok yeah this isnt gonna work. I like alliances to be a team effort and everyone can speak their mind and do what they want and idkkk it just wasn’t that in ours which is why i flipped on you. You’re truly an icon though!!

Tobi: Okay like noah fence but like you didn’t save me during that f14 tribal I saved myself by my own efforts and u kinda just tried to use that as leverage LMAO but I appreciate ur somewhat help <3

Anna:  Jayden! So you were an easy vote out at this point because it was 3-3 i believe, so it was me u and nicole. Zach was very controlling and i was doing the thing where i like pretend to listen to demands. I knew you were an easy vote out and you leaving wouldn’t impact my game later on so i allowed zach to pick you off. I knew that voting with zach would give me some trust with him so i figured why not, IM SORRY LOL but ya that's why i let you go. You’re a super cool guy and i had a lot of fun during the endurance challenge

Tobi: We didn’t get to talk much but you seemed really sweet and like I hope you’re doing good!!

Anna: oh BOY. first of all you were ROBBED of jury and that is terrible, the hosts should be shunned for that because that was gross. But zach, i enjoyed every conversation we had and you are SO charming. Unfortunately i could see right through it all because i've played too many of these games. I’ve also played with ppl like you so i know how you function LOL omg that sounds mean but like, you were playing like someone who needed control and needed people in his pockets and the way you did that was charming them and being very on top of it all. Does that make sense? The minute we had one world and i could talk to agus he said “zach is controlling my tribe, he has dylan/bo and jones in his pocket” i was like okay i understand. I had to allow myself to seem like someone who was less than you so that you didn’t see me as like a bigger threat than you. So i did that, i voted jayden out. I pretended to give you idol guesses etc. i couldn’t give you all of my trust because i knew that we could NEVER work out together. You were the leader of your tribe and i could be seen as the leader of mine. So if we had gotten any further together, it would have been an all out WAR like could you imagine??? AND i had an idol and SO DID YOU like we were going to go head to head at some point. So when the move presented itself i knew i had to take it so that i could gain the trust of the people that were in your pocket and remove a huge threat to my game. You leaving was so beneficial to me omg, i got jones as an ally from it! But anyway, my gosh are you a great player and i don't think i got to ask about your org history but there is NO way you havent won a game before. You are strong and well spoken and again SO CHARMING like well done, i’m sorry i had to blindside u lol but jones told me about your idol and she told me that you were catching on to me and like wanting nicole out so i was like it is time!! I hope ur doing well and i wish 1 day i could be as cool as u tbh

Tobi: Oh Zach, sorry for playing you as hard as I did but I was planning it ever since you and dylan lied to me at the double tribal thing and I reveled in getting revenge hehe…  I flipped wayyyy back at f14 and started to plan to take you and dylan out ever since then and it worked hehe but you’re definitely a cool guy and we had some awesome convos it was just a shame that the double tribal went the way it did but alas it was fun!

Anna:  :( i don’t know what to say. I was very transparent and honest about your vote out because you are such an awesome person and i value you very much. I do think if you weren’t taken out at this point, it would have been bad for me. I think u had allies in places i didn’t even know about and you are very strategic and just a smart person. Im gonna be honest though and say the main like nail in your coffin was the way jones was pushing me off of you, so in these games its important to separate relationships and like not be obvious about who you DON’T want out. Which is why i dont think many people knew mitch was my ride or die. Maybe because no one really wanted him out so i didnt have the opportunity to campaign for him? But the way jones was campaigning for you to stay was very very intense and made it very obvious that if you had stayed, i would be second in jones’ mind. So voting you out allowed me to become super close to jones and allow her to rely on me more than she would have if you had stayed. I guess you could credit jones for your vote out LMAO because like at first i was fine with going for bo over you because we are friends and i adored you but then jones was like crying and freaking out over you leaving so i was like yaaaaaaaaa sorry friend

Tobi: Ok hi so like we had like one conversation the entire season and you didn’t bother to message me back so that’s on you…  Anyway like if you read zach’s rop you’d know the reason that I flipped was because both of you lied and expected me to be okay with it (which i obviously wasn’t then yall got merge boots lmao) and on TOP of that you throw me under the bus to louise who was the only person i could have a sense of trust with at the f14 tribal… like you reap what you sow sis idk what else to say bc that combination of actions really set me on a mission to take you and zach out xo

Anna: BO!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW you were honestly one of my favorite people in this game because you were so entertaining holy shit like the definition of a messy player, if they have a messy player season than wow are you ON IT. so your vote out was really funny because i was moving into my apartment so i was NOT online. I actually thought there was a chance that i could get voted out at that point. So the whole time i was like yes we can go for david its fine lets do it no problem. I had the votes and it was going to work out but THAN YOU OPENED YOUR MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You literally went and told david that i was gonna vote him YOU SENT A QUOTE! So then ofc i flipped the switch back onto you and it was no problem but oh my gosh if you had just not gone and told david the plan you wouldn’t have gone home! That move 100% was the reason you received my vote, i hope u play more games because you’re such a character and i had a lot of fun playing with you even though you made me want to rip my hair out at some points

Tobi: You’re a sweet kid and you did good for your first org but you also shot yourself in the foot at your vote out… like literally you weren’t the one who was supposed to go… david was but you HAD to tell david about it which made zero sense considering that vote was between you and david lol… but i dont really hold it against you since im sure you were trying your best hehe!! Hope you’re doing good and you play in more orgs!

Anna: i would like to thank u for ruining my potential perfect game (im writing this before FIC so hence potential) r u d e. BUT my love for you extends so far it could reach where you live and come back to where i live and go back and forth 20834324320842 times. You have been a close friend of mine since JPORG but unfortunately this game we just weren’t on the same side of the tracks. And unfortunately, my side had more people lol but yeah your vote out was simple. We went into that challenge knowing that if you lost, you would go home. If you had won, david would go home. I was lowkey really nervous when you started to like pitch against me lol but i really knew that 1 of the people on my side would tell me so i could idol so i wasn’t like waste my idol nervous if you know what i mean. But i adore you, you’re a scary player and the minute i saw your name on the cast reveal i thought “oh no” because you play like i do, you aren’t afraid to be the big dog and you aren’t afraid to make the moves you need to make when you need to make them. I could sing your praises for days Agustin and you know that.

Tobi: Yoo like i liked talking to you and all and we were on the same page for a lot of the season BUT in my plans to get revenge on zach and dylan i aligned with a group that sadly didn’t include you in it but yeah it was really fun playing with you and omg i LOVED when you called me out in tribal like that was so fun and i really enjoyed it!!

Anna: david, david, david. Your vote out was the craziest and most intense tribal of the game for me. It opened my eyes to so much and allowed me to really dig deep and see what i had to do to get further. So we connected since the beginning and i made sure to watch out for you BUT i saw you as a threat. I saw you as someone who could beat me at challenges and i knew from the beginning of merge that i had to pick off the people that could stop me from winning mandatory immunities. So with that in my head AND the thought that you would be the first to flip on me in the u/me/mitch/tobi/nicole alliance, i knew that you had to go sooner than later. So you found out about nicoles idol and jones and tobi both told me. And then you WOULDN’T tell me who told you about the idol so i went to mitch and was like “hey david told me you told him about my and nicoles idol” even though you didn’t just so i could bait him. It worked, he admitted it. THAT MOMENT WAS CRUCIAL TO EVERYTHING OH MY GOD but yeah i knew that tobi and jones were with me and tobi did NOT benefit at all by voting out nicole. Thats what i dont think a lot of people understood, ya’ll kept trying to pick nicole off to get at me but tobi’s only win con was sitting next to nicole……. So thats how i knew he wasn’t going to do that all the times ya’ll tried it. But yeah, i told you i was voting you out and you know i adore you as a person. I think you’re a bomb ass player and you def gave me a run for my money lol

Tobi: Hey bud so like i know i played you and mitch pretty hard at your vote out and like it was absolutely nothing personal but it was kinda obvious that you and mitch were closer to together than you were to me so like working with you two wasnt super optimal for me and like taking you out helped me achieve a few things like taking out a challenge threat and it threw mitch under the bus which let me last another 2 rounds so like ya that was my thought process behind it and I hope you’re doing well 

Anna: mitch. My GOD did you play me good. You were in my DMs saying how you want me to win and you are so dyingly loyal and blah blah AND THEN YOU FLIPPED ON ME BUT NOT ONLY DID YOU FLIP ON ME BUT YOU FLIPPED ON MY TOOOOOO EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh, 

i think of all the ppl that were like GET ANNA OUT GET ANNA OUT u were the person who i think could do it. But regardless, you were my person in this game. Like yes nicole was too but nicole wasn’t online enough to rly RLY be my person that i strategize with and talk to all the time. Like i told you all of my plans and we made moves together. I would NEVER say you were in my pocket and i can honestly say sitting at f3 that i don’t think you were. We were a team and we made moves together. We made plans together, we got the idols together. You and me did this together and i will never take that for granted. I had SO MUCH FUN playing with you mitch and becoming FRIENDS with you and really getting to know you. Our friendship is something i will take away from this game and i am so happy about that. You’re a bad ass mitch, thank you for playing this game by my side

Tobi: Lord like honestly our relationship is so rocky KJHLKJ like im gonna be real and say like I lied maybe a lil too much BUT it was for strategic reasons and letting david go and letting you take the hit for it really let me get through a few rounds with one move and like I also apologize about your own vote out like okay honestly i was already pretty leaning towards voting you out already but then when aj told me you wanted to vote me out (a plan which neither you or jones told me about) really sealed the deal and like i also was in a peculiar situation because nicole is the only person I have a real chance of beating in that f5 so it would've been really dumb for me to vote her out so yeah okay like i always feel like i wanna work with you but our plans never seem to work with each other KJHLKJ but i definitely hope we can work together if we meet each other again!!

Anna: jones, im getting exhausted writing all these but i really want to like be genuine and honest in all of them so here we go, I adore u wow, u are such an honest genuine soul that i know is seriously going to do amazing things in orgs and just life in general. Like i told you, you remind me of myself when i first started playing (which is a good and a bad thing LOL) but you are intense, you are confident in your game, and you are powerful. You should be proud of the way you played and excited for the games you play in the future. Your vote out was actually wild because at no point at all was i ever considering voting tobi out. So you were FLOODING me with messages, emotional intense messages that made me want to rip my hair out. Because you were telling me you weren’t gonna vote tobi, and then you were, and then you weren’t again and i was so confused because your ONLY argument with me was voting tobi out because i told you i was never ever going to vote nicole. NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE WANTED TO VOTE OUT NICOLE FOR SO MANY REASONS. But thats neither here nor there lol but yeah you were very aggressive and i was sooo taken back by it. It pretty much solidified my vote for you because tobi wasn’t begging for his life lol which like shows me that YOU were going to fuckin woop my ass at FIC and give the same amount of effort that im about to give to it, like girl you did the logic puzzle for 3 HOURS!!! you just dont give up. You would have fought tooth and nail to wipe the floor with me at that FIC and you cant deny that! But yeah, the begging and the emotional messages def helped ensure me voting for you. AND THEN FUCKIN NICOLE WASNT ONLINE. So this is actually wild what i did here and im sorry in advance but she wasn’t on and i knew me and tobi were voting you so i went to you and was like yo…. Tobi doesn’t have any votes against him you should make him join the votes club OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND YOU SAID YES SO MY LITTLE DEVIL BRAIN WAS LIKE YES BITCH 2-1-1, if you voted nicole it would have been fire making and nicole would have possibly lost. It was genius, it was cruel and i am sorry but i had to do it……… tobi knew too!!!! Ok im tired this was dumb i hate ROP, i adore you, you’re gonna kill muxloe but my one little snippet of advice is to NOT invest yourself into these games in an unhealthy way. I know this from experience because when i first got 4th my first game i SOBBED, the second time i got 4th I SOBBED the first time i got 2nd I SOBBED the second time i got 2nd I SOBBED and like when i say sobbed i mean it tore me up and i was mad and sad and just hurt emotionally so i GET IT. i get it, but its not good for your health!!!! Like once i learned to stop playing like that it helped me soooo much (it took me literally until this game sooooooooooooooooooooo im trash but still) I LOVE U JONESY GUACEY POOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Tobi: Ahhh jones you were honestly a joy to talk to and like I really enjoyed working with you!! Especially on that vote where we successfully flushed nicole’s idol which was honestly like 200iq stuff KLJHKJ and I feel like I came into f5/f4 being like the second least likely person to win with you and AJ being the most likely to win so at f4 the pressure was really on me because it was a choice of definitely making final tribal council but probably losing or having to work so much harder to make final tribal council but also having a real chance to win… and in the end i did what was best for my  game and i’m glad you understood that… but highkey i felt so bad that you voted for me bc if you voted for nicole you legit would’ve put firemaking into play KJHSDF but anyways it was really nice getting to meet you and know you hehe

Anna: I love u with my whole heart and I hope ur okay, I had to write this very fast so I can’t write it how I want to but just know I’m so appreciative of you and am glad I got to know you through this game

Tobi: hihi so like i really do appreciate everything we've done here together and like i really enjoyed our talks and stuff but you just went inactive (for personal reasons which i understand) but like you getting removed at f3 completely fucked over my game LKJHDSLFKJHA but like all that's really important is that you take care of your own stuff okay hehe luv u beecole <#

[sowriteitalldown]

Dear Ana,

Man, why are you so mad? What the fuck did I do to you? Are you mad at me because I finally treated you the same harsh way you always treated me? Are you seriously mad at me because I talked to you the same way you used to talk to me each time I wanted to run to my ex again and again? Are you serious right now? Is that why you call me a bad friend? Or a fake friend? Because I was seriously trying for you to see the kind of strength you had, no, the potential you had to move on from someone as toxic as your partner? Like seriously, you guys were breaking up for like the 4th time because he was still immature for you! Like that's so sad especially when you guys been together for 10 years and he still acts like yall in high school, and the worse part is that you eat up all his lies or sweet talks!

You don't how awful it was to see you break over some kid who really doesn't appreciate for you and who you are and everything you’ve done together as partners! In all honesty, you must be dense as a rock if you can’t see that he has you around because you're his safe spot that he knows he can go to no matter how bad he's fucked up. Why? Because you’ll always always take him back. I don’t know what your mindset is with him, but it’s not healthy how high placed you put him in your life. It’s really off-putting, and you may not realize it, but it always came across that you preferred him over anyone including your close friends.

And I understand that you probably were very upset and hurt when I didn’t put the effort to be there for you. I tried, I really did. I still remember I wanted to hang out with you in person so we could communicate better because through text it always came off like I would piss you off regardless of what I said, but you would always ignore me. I know you were mad at me because I wasn’t telling you the things you wanted to hear after your break up. I just didn’t really bother because I knew that no matter how good or bad my advice was, you would have never taken it to heart. You would have still taken him back, and guess what? You fucking did. I knew it was hopeless, and yet, I found myself feeling disappointed and overly frustrated by you again.

But I was still going to be there for you like all the other times before. I know I probably came off like I wasn’t, but Ana, I have always been there for you through each break up (at least the ones you’ve told me). I can still remember the first time you guys broke up, I came in the band hall one morning and you were sitting in a chair, you were catatonic, this awful detached look on your face like you had died. It was terrible. But I was there. The second time you guys broke up, we were in band practice in the parking lot in the hot fucking sun. You finally showed up to practice, and you came to me and hugged me, and I asked if you were ok. When I asked that, your face broke for a second, about to cry, and you hid your face on my shoulder but you held it together and continued to practice like nothing had happened. Third time, I was in my room I saw the post that you guys weren’t together and I texted you if everything was ok. It wasn’t. And now this one, you told me while I was AWAY. I was in Mexico, dying of cold, and yet I wanted to vomit when I read your text because all I could think was about that horrible sight from your first break up. I was hella worried.

But it was just a pattern, I knew you were going to take him back because history has a funny way of repeating itself, and it did. Also, the communication between us faltered. You were so hesitant and secretive about this break up with me and I didn't get why? Because you knew I was going to tell you to get your shit together and move on for like the 100th time? Isn't that what really good friends do to one another? Never lie to one another? I wasn't lying when I said all those things to you, I knew you could move on from him but did you believe that? No, because you are so far up his ass. Sorry to say it like that, but you are. But you used to be this mean to me when I wanted to get back with Julie. And bitch, you know that hoe was crazy, and yet my dumbass would go back. But did I ever get mad at you for talking to me harshly like the best friend you are and supposed to be? No way. I would just be like 'You right, but imma go back lmao'. Then why did you get mad at me when I pulled that on you?

Was it because you were so used to me being soft on you? C'mon, you know I was. EVERYONE KNEW HOW SOFT I WAS. Too soft. For the love of God, I even fell in love with you, HOW SOFT COULD I GET??? lmao I get that I should have been there for you, I really tried, but it always seemed that you just hated me more whenever I talked about you moving on. I mean HELLO, that is what you're supposed to do after a breakup! I don't know man. This whole shit has been bothering me for the entire year. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG BECAUSE YOU CUT ME OUT. YOU DIDN'T COMMUNICATE WITH ME, YOU REFUSED TO. You had me in the dark, and I didn't know why. Do you not ever understand my feelings towards you? You were my everything, my other half, the only person I could trust with everything despite how awful I was? But you looked at me differently, you made me feel different. You were different. I loved you more than anyone in my life, and you had the nerve to cut me off like I was no one. You didn't even give me a chance, or breather to explain. Nothing. You dumped me. You kicked my heart in the ass and disappeared. You were a coward.

That's another thing. How could you betray me like that? How could you cut me out like a snap of a finger but not your lame ass boyfriend, who's hurt you WAYYYYYY more than I ever hurt you? He and I have the same timelapse in your life, about ten years. And in those ten years, who has hurt you the most? Me or Him? I have never disrespected your name, your life, your family, your blood, whatever! I never took you for granted, I always tried to give you the best. I always tried to treat you like you were my own girlfriend even though you never were. People used to think we were hella gay together because I was always so smooshy with you. I was whipped, everyone knew that. I wanted you to feel like I was a safe place you could always confide in, and laugh so much, and just be happy. And I think I did too good of a job because the second I wouldn't give you your way, you would always ignore me. And after I called you a fucking idiot on that last text for going back to him, guess what? You ignored me, as I had predicted.

Except here's the plot twist: I didn't come around to fix the obvious problem between us, which was that you were mad at me.

I acted like everything was fine, I even sent those text about HBD to your family members because I wanted to see if you were still going to be mad and you were. I never received a text back. Which was fine, I was letting you sulk in anger. But I was testing you, I was being dumbass, I was trying to see if you were going to confront me about what I had done wrong instead of the usual, me coming to you telling you about what I did wrong and then apologizing. But you never did. You didn't even bother. You didn't do the effort to talk to me about how you felt instead you were just like "you know what, fuck you, I don't need this shit in my life!" and blocked me so you could think you ended whatever bad friend I was.

No. You were the bad friend. I was just sooooo tired of the usual, you getting mad and I always looking for you whether it was my fault or your fault. It was always me fixing whatever bad was between us, I would always be the one to have to send a stupid ass fucking text about how it was obvious there was something wrong between us and we should fix it now because I valued our friendship over anything. Then you would finally express your issues, and I would finally understand what you were feeling, and how I could fix it and blah blah. But it was ALWAYS me. NEVER you. When did I ever receive a text from you like: "Hey, I think we should talk because there's something up between us?" NEVER. Even when I was mad at you, I would be the one to have to spell out to you to see why I was mad at you because you would always be oblivious to my feelings. It always felt like you didn't care about our friendship. It always felt like I was the one who was holding onto this friendship while you were just like whatever, if it fails it fails. And that's exactly what happened! The one time I didn't come looking for you to fix our problems, and you were like ">:O fuck you, Jenny! I'm cutting you off, you fake ass hoe!"

You will never never NEVER understand how hurt I was this fucking summer. Especially when I noticed you had unfriended me through our social medias. That felt like a bullet to the heart. Did you hate me that much to do that? Was I that awful? Was I a monster to you? No, I was not. Even now, I don't have the heart to call you a monster because the tragic side of me still thinks there is hope for you, that'll you'll come around and look for me, but that will never happen. Your pride is too big to see who truly values you as a person. Even now, if you ever find this. I am the one reaching out, I am the one typing this long ass post, so maybe one day you can contact me and we can have closure. Because I am not an idiot, I know this still bothers you. I've seen your post on facebook, and it's November of 2018. It's been about seven months since we last talked.

Maybe you're not even mad about your relationship. Maybe you're mad about something else. I will never fucking know because you NEVER communicated your feelings towards me. I would always have to ask you, and even then you would falter. This isn't a letter about me hating on you, this is a letter coming from the love I still have for you. Do you really think I am writing to you out of hate or out of love? I love you, you're still my best friend. You've helped me through a lot of tough shit in my life that I will never forget about. I don't want to feel these things for you, I don't want to keep thinking there is still good in you, that'll you'll wake up one day, and just try to talk with me. I don't want to feel any of that because that just makes me hold onto false hope. You just meant the world to me. At some point, you were my world. I just wish you wouldn't be so... aggressive? Like I wish you didn't hold onto shit with your dear life, and for once, try to work out. If you could work shit out with your boyfriend, I am 100% you could work out things with me... *sips tea* I'm jk, I ain't trying to be petty. I just want my best friend back.

I used to think that regardless of how bad it would get between us, we could get through anything. I mean we got through the whole love triangle shit in high school, and that was hella tough on me, you, and our relationships. But we still made it. But now, I don't know about that. I know that me being the dumbass, I would try to work things out, but I don't know about you. You're too hard headed lol and I am too soft. If you were still in my life, you would be shocked how incredibly soft I have become. I think the pain of this year changed me in excruciating ways. Not just the pain I went because of you, but other stuff from this year. I'm surprised I didn't kill myself, even my family was worried. It was just tough. Especially without you. The only person who I wanted to talk to was gone. I had to act like my own best friend and man that was tough, but I love me more than ever. Now, I know I can definitely pick myself up with just my own damn self. But it doesn't hurt having your friends, too. It always is better with friends.

Anyways, if you read this in a few days, weeks, or years, or never. I hope these words get by to you someday. I hope you know I will always love you despite everything. I don't know how to let go off you even when my heart knows you're bad, but maybe now I can understand how you've always felt with Gustavo. You and I love the bad in a person because we think we can change it, but hell nah, only they can fix it themselves.

If whatever happens, remember, I did, I do, and I will love you. Always.