#Saezuru Chapters

[soupscans]

Saezuru Chapter 52

Hoi fellow Soups!

We finished chapter 52! There was a little comment by Yoneda Sensei in this ihrHertz issue, so we added it the Scanlation ✨

Here is the Chapter download link:

And the link to the Mangadex page:

Enjoy ❤️

[transparentduckbird]

The new Saezuru cover 🤍🩶 enjoy fandom 😘

5月31日発売予定『ihr HertZ 2024年7月号』

https://bs-garden.com/product/ihr-hertz-202407/

[saezurusteve]

Here's a nice bookmark to keep the place where you fainted.

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, chapter 56 of Saezuru!

First, I just want to give a huge thanks to @itwearsadress for providing such a quick and amazing translation for all of us!

So, this chapter was extremely, extremely interesting.

My main impression here is that, while there's definitely been a breakthrough of sorts between Yashiro and Doumeki, there's still a great deal of fear and uncertainty in both of them. The entire first half of this chapter was Yashiro trying, in vain, to avoid Doumeki's probing questions. To me, Yashiro came across as really terrified, and I think that terror was coming from the genuine belief that Doumeki was just messing with him, basically using his new found knowledge of Yashiro's impotency as a way to be unkind. Normally, this sort of thing wouldn't bother Yashiro, at least, not consciously, but he's in love with Doumeki. Really, really deeply in love. And we see what his perception that Doumeki is being intentionally cruel is doing to him. It's Yashiro's attempt to shield himself from that kind of hurt, the hurt of loving and not being loved in return, that's making him so resistant at first. I really, truly think Yashiro doesn't know that Doumeki loves him, at this point, and I think maybe he's never, truly known it. We have to remember, Yashiro's self-image is completely warped. He's believed all his life that he's not a person worthy of love, or even capable of being loved. His experience with Kage only served to reinforce that notion in his head.

I'll get more into this in a minute. But first, I want to talk about Doumeki's internal thoughts at the beginning, and what I think it means for the end of the chapter. Doumeki says to himself that he's been concealing his emotions to keep Yashiro from running away. Basically, we finally get a definitive answer explaining why Doumeki's been so cold to Yashiro. It's not so much that Doumeki is afraid of Yashiro's rejection, or that he's angry at Yashiro for that rejection, but more so that he just doesn't want to create a situation again in which Yashiro runs from him. He's trying to keep Yashiro at his side. At the end of the chapter, when Yashiro asks him what kind of sex this is that they're having, Doumeki very deliberately says that he's "a man without principles" and that he's just doing this to have sex. He's saying there's no emotion involved. That he's not "in love" with Yashiro and wanting to have sex with him because of it, but simply that he gets physical gratification from having sex with Yashiro, and that's it. I think Doumeki is saying here what he thinks Yashiro wants him to say, or what he wants to hear, because he thinks it's what will keep Yashiro around.

Basically, it seems to me that while there's some unspoken understanding between them, I think they're both still very much pretending here. Even if Doumeki suspects or knows that Yashiro cares for him, he still thinks Yashiro wants to pretend there's no emotion involved. That that's what's required to keep Yashiro with him.

The awful thing is, this is exactly the opposite of what Yashiro actually wants.

Yashiro's almost startled look after Doumeki says this, followed by a sort of sad resignation, makes me think that he believes it. Because when they first met, Yashiro plainly stated that anyone who developed feelings for him would be turned out. I think Yashiro looks sadly resigned here because he wants Doumeki to tell him he loves him again, he wants Doumeki to tell him he cares about him, but he doesn't, and Yashiro no doubt blames himself for that. I think Yashiro is, once again, resigning himself to the idea that whatever chance he had with Doumeki, he blew. He wants the Doumeki from before, who so openly expressed his love for him, but he seems to really believe that chance has passed him by. That he's ruined it. . He WANTS Doumeki to tell him he loves him, but if he can't and won't, he'll take the next best thing, which is just having Doumeki with him. So he just accepts it. He just accepts this idea that Doumeki has no feeling for him beyond the mutual, physical pleasure they share.

Now back to the first half of the chapter and what it tells us about Yashiro's state of mind.

Yashiro looks truly mortified for a moment when Doumeki shows him the memory card and asks him if he knows what's on it, before falling back into an apathetic attitude. That one panel where we get a close up of Yashiro's eyes shows us almost a moment of panic from him, and I think that comes from the sudden realization that Doumeki must now know he's impotent with everyone but him. I think this causes panic in Yashiro, again, because he desperately doesn't want to have to face Doumeki's rejection, and so he doesn't want Doumeki to know he has feelings for him. Doumeki discovering that Yashiro can't get it up with Inami, or anyone else, is tantamount to Doumeki discovering that Yashiro has feelings for him, which leaves Yashiro vulnerable to Doumeki's rejection. So we see Yashiro go into an extremely defensive mode at this point, pretending to brush it off, acting like he doesn't care if Doumeki watches it, acting like he's not ashamed or embarrassed. Yashiro's acting unbothered, but he's clearly freaking out inside. When Doumeki presses, saying "It seems that it's quite different with me", we again get a close up of Yashiro's eyes, showing a panicked, desperate expression, before he again tries to brush it off as just that "sort of play", trying to paint it as meaningless. Again, he's trying desperately to hide his feelings for Doumeki, to keep Doumeki from discovering those feelings. I think Yashiro's attempts at evasion here need to be understood through the lens of Yashiro's fear, and his belief that Doumeki doesn't care about him anymore. He thinks if Doumeki realizes Yashiro loves him, he'll either purposefully use it to hurt him, or just hurt him through rejection. So he keeps playing it off as no big deal.

But Doumeki keeps pressing, because he knows Yashiro is putting on an act here. He asks Yashiro why it is he's so satisfied with him, and again, Yashiro looks panicked. I think the following exchange is really important to understanding what's going on here with Yashiro specifically.

He knows he's trapped now. I think he knows Doumeki realizes that he can only get it up with him because he has feelings for him. We see again a resigned defeat in Yashiro's expression when Doumeki asks him if he remembers how many times he came. The important thing here is that, after answering that he doesn't, Doumeki says he doesn't either, and again, we see Yashiro's eyes up close, looking startled and hurt, and he slips again into pretending like none of it matters. Again, he becomes defensive, saying sarcastically that Doumeki is just being "mean" now. But Yashiro's expression here is very telling. He's smiling when he says the above line, but I think he means it. I think Yashiro's feelings are genuinely hurt. He thinks Doumeki is messing with him on purpose at this point. That he's rubbing it in, maybe to get back at Yashiro for how he treated him before the time skip. I think this exchange is, once again, reinforcing for Yashrio the belief that he's ruined any chance he might have had to be with Doumeki, and turned Doumeki against him, to the point that he thinks Doumeki wants to hurt him.

Doumeki meanwhile seems to be getting frustrated with Yashiro's continued evasion. We see his hands curling into fists when he asks Yashiro from what point it was he started to feel his body had chemistry with Doumeki's. He wants Yashiro to just confess that he has feelings for him, but Yashiro won't do it. I think, from Yashiro's perspective, he thinks Doumeki is just continuing to rub it in and is enjoying this, needling Yashiro, messing with him. Doumeki isn't, but again, this is from Yashiro's perspective. So we see Yashiro, again, get defensive, lashing out by asking Doumeki about his woman. Yashiro's hurt is obvious here. He's upset that Doumeki seems to be screwing with him, using his feelings against him, and so he lets his hurt over Doumeki's involvement with his woman come out. Again, it reeks of desperation on Yashiro's part. He's trying anything and everything to protect himself from the pain Doumeki's causing him, but he's only exposing himself further by doing so.

And Doumeki again calls him out on it, observing that it's unusual for Yashiro to show an interest in his personal life. Doumeki has Yashiro trapped again, basically telling him that he knows Yashiro is lying by acting like he doesn't care. Yashiro is on the back foot during this entire exchange. And again Yashiro gets incredibly defensive, this time standing up and trying to end the conversation. He knows he's got no way out of this now, no way to pretend any longer that he doesn't care, so he tries to escape it by fleeing. But Doumeki doesn't let him.

We once more see Yashiro lash out defensively, tearing away from Doumeki and telling him what he does in his life has nothing to do with him. His hurt again shows itself when he tells Doumeki that he's got no reason to "fuck" him anymore and that he should just go do it with his woman. Again, I think this exchange is super important. Yashiro is showing once more that he genuinely still thinks Doumeki doesn't care for him. His jealousy over Doumeki's woman is his despair over losing Doumeki coming out. We see once more Yashiro's resigned expression when Doumeki tells him that just like it's not his business who Yashiro has sex with, it's not Yashiro's business either who Doumeki has sex with. Yashiro's resigned expression here tells me again that he thinks he's lost Doumeki. I think Yashiro is operating during this entire exchange with the belief that Doumeki is just there to torment him. That's backed up by Yashiro's next words, when he asks Doumeki what it is he came there to do, and then accuses him of being there just to confirm that Yashiro can't get it up with anyone else and "take pity" on him. Yashiro's expression becomes one of apathy again as he says this. It's clear he's trying to shield himself. He thinks Doumeki is trying to hurt him.

But Doumeki of course isn't trying to hurt Yashiro, he's trying to get him to admit his feelings, and he just keeps pressing, because he knows he has Yashiro trapped.

One more really important exchange happens here, I think, when Doumeki presses Yashiro about how sex doesn't feel good to him with anyone else but him. Yashiro says "So what if that's true? You... You were only doing this to satisfy my sexual urges. What benefit is there to you?"

Doumeki's expression is startled here when Yashiro says this, and then in the next panel, it becomes soft, even sad. I think Doumeki realizes in that moment that Yashiro really believes that Doumeki never had any, real feelings for him, and that he only ever wanted to have sex with him for Yashiro's benefit, not because he was genuinely attracted to or in love with him. I think Yashiro's words here break Doumeki's heart, because of how truly sad that is.

And I think that sadness in Doumeki is compounded by his own belief that he can't just tell Yashiro he loves him. He says, in response, "The body chemistry is mutual". It's the best he can do without actually saying he loves Yashiro, because he still thinks, if he says that, Yashiro will run away. He doesn't realize how much Yashiro WANTS to hear Doumeki say it. Like I said, they're both still pretending here, because they both are still operating under false beliefs about the other. Yashiro under the belief that Doumeki doesn't love him and never has, and Doumeki under the belief that Yashiro will again run away if he confesses his feelings.

And then comes the big moment that everyone keeps talking about, which is an indirect confession from Yashiro of his feelings for Doumeki, when Doumeki says in reply to Yashiro's accusation that Doumeki has said some cruel things to him, "You liked cruel things, didn't you?"

I think Yashiro's expressions here are vital to understanding this exchange too.

Again, Yashiro, for a moment before his answer, looks stricken. The thing is, Yashiro DOESN'T like cruel things. He wants Doumeki, and he wants the Doumeki of before, the one who was so kind toward him. But he can't ask for that, because he still thinks Doumeki doesn't care about him, and he can't leave himself open to the kind of pain he'll experience with the rejection of his feelings. The next panel shows Yashiro with what I would call a resigned smile on his face as he says "I do". I think this is Yashiro saying he likes cruel things still, because he thinks it's the only way he'll get Doumeki now. This new version of Doumeki that doesn't love him, but is willing to have sex with him. It is an indirect confession on Yashiro's part, but it's once again predicated on Yashiro laboring under the belief that Doumeki doesn't love him.

It's really kind of a catch-22 between them, because Doumeki doesn't think he can say he loves Yashiro without driving him away, even as it seems he knows Yashiro cares for him, and Yashiro wants Doumeki to say he loves him, but can't bring himself to ask for it because he thinks Doumeki doesn't love him.

Basically, it's still a mess between them, even as we see a kind of acceptance happen at last in this chapter.

I think people tend to forget that Saezuru is, by and large, a tragedy, and there's a definite air of tragedy to this chapter. A lot of the expressions between Yashiro and Doumeki strike me as heartbreaking, resigned, sad, fearful, etc... I think that kind of encapsulates the general feeling of this chapter. It's definite progress, but it's progress that's still greatly hampered by misunderstanding.

Another amazing and nuanced chapter from Yoneda. I'm extremely eager to see what comes with chapter 57. I'm happy we'll be getting the next chapter at the end of March!

[lustfulcat]

I love Doumeki's gloved hand on Yashiro's waist I'm gonna paint this panel on the side of my house.

[danmeibrainrot]

SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP CANNOT WAIT

[ilovesaezuru]

[artemisrisen]

I’m so impressed with doumeki in chapter 57; he navigates this path through yashiro’s severe anxieties like a captain steering their ship through rough water. he’s controlled but on high alert, watches for any hiccups and adjusts immediately, and tries to find that wire-thin balance between gentle (scary and wanted) and rough (familiar but unwanted). when yashiro gets too shaky, doumeki resets their position to be less intimate, and then carefully re-introduces kissing until yashiro is far more relaxed. it’s really fascinating and lovely to see how much he's changed in his approach.

and I think we’d all love for him to admit that he loves yashiro too, or at least that his relationship with mama-san/izumi is a facade (or does not replace his love for yashiro), but after this chapter I can see why he keeps his cards so close to his chest. yashiro is so volatile that even he can’t predict his own reactions - there’s a chance that realizing doumeki loves him, even now, would cause him to backslide and retreat into the idea that he doesn’t deserve this kind of love, and do whatever possible to push doumeki away again. I don’t think that things would happen the same as they did in the past, but I’m no longer concerned about doumeki’s silence. he’s playing the long game.

[crayonkant]

Saezuru Chapter Titles

Well, my archival obsession with the chapter covers continues. Here are all titles to date as of October 2023.

Legend, based on the illustration:

Yashiro - italics Doumeki - bold font Yashiro and Doumeki - blue font

[1] Defiant, or twisted, there's nothing else to do... but continue living.

[2] Unconsciously, love is born.

[3] Sentimental, irritating, suffocating.

[4] Quietly, secretly... passionately.

[5] Just staying by your side...

[6] So close, yet our hearts are afar.

[7] There are things I want to tell you, but I have no words to convey them...

[8] You don't know how important someone is to you until you're about to loose them...

[9] It's so cold, it gives people a lancinating kind of pain, yet, there is an unspeakable sense of comfort. (note: unusual color cover with Misumi and Yashiro's naked legs)

[10] Back then, when he was still a nobody...

[11] Those unseen wounds, hurting little by little.

[12] Something is about to change...

[13] Downtrodden, life continues -

[14] The past... begins to stir - (note: unusual color cover with a bird's pov and tiny unrecognizable figures)

[15] (no text)

[16] I want to protect... I want to be protected... this contradiction is - (note: unusual cover with story panel of Hirata on the ground and speech bubbles. One bubble could be read as continuation of the title : "[this contradiction is - ] ... pretty dangerous".)

[17] I don't want to vanish from your gaze. (note: unusual cover with story panel and speech bubbles. D: "You could say I'm no match for the force of this person." Y: "I don't want to vanish from your gaze".)

[18] Everyone goes on living with the weight of the past on their shoulders. (note: unusual Nanahara? cover)

[19] Even the smallest things can alter fate.

[20] Someone's hatred towards someone Someone's feelings towards someone - (note: unusual car chase cover)

[21] no cover

[22] The time for everything to change has come -

[23] Even though all I want is to love him it will only hurt him...

[24] I can't allow myself to be touched by those hands

[25] What is this The way this is Is not the way that I know (note: crazy double page cover that will get its own post)

[26] nothing

[27] When it's too late I always think... "Why..?"

[28] A past that can never be erased Memories that won't be forgotten

[29] The feelings that ensnare and the feelings that are real... In the end, will they be revealed as love, or...

[30] Little by little... Things start to go crazy.

[31] So many thoughts, So much anticipation, All blending together...

[32] There's something I've always wanted to know.

[33] I've never needed Anyone Or any thing

[34] nothing

[35] Endings and beginnings Beginnings and endings (note: could also be read "Beginnings and endings Endings and beginnings")

[36] nothing

[37] 4 years have passed... and time flew by in parallel lines

[38] Living under the same sky

[39] Finally, things are moving

[40] There is something in the memory that can't be erased.

[41] I never planned on meeting him again

[42] Feelings are aching

[43] Things that changed Things that haven't And some things that cannot be changed.

[44] Yashiro and Doumeki's On equal footing New relationship Begins! (note: strangest title, so different in style than all others)

[45] After being separated for 4 years, The thing Doumeki saw was...

[46] I thought I fully understood that guy...

[47] What is it you desire?

[48] Pretending as if nothing happened

[49] Even if our positions changed, The feelings are...

[50] Wanting to destroy everything (note: unusual cover, portrait of Yashiro with only Doumeki's gloved hand in the picture...)

[51] I didn't know. Was this what I wished for? (note: unusual cover showing only legs, assuming it's the both of them)

[52] nothing

[53] What I really wished for was...

[54] For us both, There are things we don't know

[twitteringnerdsneverfly]

Saezuru Chp 57 Thoughts: ✨ PROGRESS ✨ spoilers below the line

Firstly a massive thank you to @itwearsadress for making this accessible to all us international fans!

*Ahem*

In the words of Albus Dumbledore:

"Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery."

Spoilers below the line 👇🏻

IMHO, I call this progress.

Chp 56 had Yashiro dancing about lying, denying, doing his lil deflection jig like he always does. Post getting railed by D, 😏 he finds some post nut clarity:

"In spite of all that, I can't help myself - I get into it."

This is good!! Our baby bird has developed some self awareness!!! He IS into all the softness and gentleness even though it freaks him out, he digs it. Good. Y has established that for himself.

I do feel like Y is being too hard on himself at the end when he calls himself "completely incapable of growth".

If this were true, he would've shot Doumeki again and ran out (OK maybe not that extreme but u get my drift).

He is triggered by the softness - like any person would be if they had Yashiro's level of trauma riding on their back.

Yashiro feels like he wants to run away - but he doesn't.

D pushes it: extended kissing, rubbing their dicks together, nipple play and starts sucking Y - all these things that would be sexually pleasing for Y and Y reacts by pushing D hard. But! Y doesn't say anything snide or mean or do anything more here. Whereas D's reaction is pure gold:

😂😂😂💯

Doumeki has pulled the balance of pushing it, giving Y what he wants and doesn't want, as this newer version of Yashiro wants the gentleness but the older version of him rejects it.

D then gives in and resorts to the older, usual Yashiro's ways - just fucking him as per usual. Except with D, he wants to see Y's face 😏so does it from the front. I salute u sir Doumeki. 🫡

Yashiro beautifully represents every trauma survivor: every person stuck in cyclic behaviour linked to past trauma in search for a roadmap out, but the past is familiar and Different is scary. And our brains always picks the easiest option.

Nevertheless I have high hopes for Yashiro to push out of his "comfort zone" of painful sex and start to embrace this more loving way.

What I'd really love to see is Yashiro doing some initiating!!!! The last time he showed any interest is when he grabbed Doumeki to be his watcher instead post timeskip. I wanna see Yashiro pin Doumeki down for once!!

P.S I swear Tumblr if you fuck up this post I'm deleting you

[soupscans]

Saezuru Chapter 50

Hoi fellow Soups!

We are so sorry that we kept you waiting for Chapter 50 for so long, but finally it is here!

Here is the Chapter download link:

And the Link to the Mangadex Page:

Enjoy ❤️

[bhobbiel]

Thoughts about Chapter 57 Gentle vs Cruel. Interested in others' opinions (w respect)

chapter 57 has given me varied thoughts and has been the most confusing for me chapters. with rereads and reading other people's analysis I usually feel more clear but not this one. And I don't think I will for a while.

I have been reading analysis both here and other platforms. I read something where someone emphasized Doumeki not stopping being physical after Yashiro was feeling anxious with Doumeki's more (yashiro defined) gentle touches

And I think it is a sensitive subject but I keep thinking about it since reading that analysis. But know I am bringing this up with respect.

------

I think there's a lot of ways to read it (and can be a combination of things)

-Doumeki knew that gentle sex is what Yashiro wants. Him changing the sexual action each time Yashiro asked for a change/stop was a way to be sensitive and flexible with Yashiro's wants (both of gentle sex and of feeling anxiety) so Doumeki kept changing directions as a way to address both. And this was an act of care and in a way consensual/best course of action.

They were both off guard by Yashiro pushing way. So he changed course again with topping (with Yashiro facing away) as he requested earlier.

-That was unfair of Doumeki of contiuning (versus caring flexibility). There is cruelty even in gentleness when the person cannot handle it.

-Doumeki was just doing typical foreplay before topping and just flowing to Yashiro's request

-This kind of interaction is common for both Saezuru and the genre as whole- and should be seen through that lens

----

The main opinion I have is that they both look very off guard from Yashiro's shove. Doumeki's then sternly relaxes to me and understanding but heavy expression. I don't think either of them are angry. They are a bit shocked.

IMO, Yashiro looks shocked and freaked out by of his own reaction and feelings. He feels very vulnerable and looks away from Doumeki. He almost seems dare I say embarrassed? Definitely vulnerable.

------

Doumeki grabbing Yashiro's arm was interesting too- with the framing it was hard to read. Him reaching to touch Yashiro's shoulder or something would have been easier to read.

it was hard to read what he was trying to do- just touch yashiro to reconnect? pull him closer? be lightly forceful?

I wonder if it was mostly a foreshadow to him later gently putting Yashiro's arm around him later (I think it was)

*A big factor which affected my initial/ current feelings for chapter 57 is

Yashiro's last thoughts. He is internally taking some responsibility in the situation (I am saying he feels responsible I am not making an argument as a reader). Whether Doumeki is "cruel or gentle" Yashiro can't fully let him in regardless. He does not focus on Doumeki continuing having sex after he turns around. He doesn't fully focus on the "throwing up" comment. Yashiro focuses on two moments where it shows disconnect of how he reacts to both cruelty and gentleness. He sounds even disappointed himself. He wants to feel unstuck imo. Even though as a reader I think he has made a lot of distance in just this evening alone- he seems like he is experiencing feeling defeated.

Very different then what he would say in the past. ex:the car ride w Doumeki arguing after they have sex (before almost dying bc of Hirata). This feels like a very unique internal monologue- even though it repeats sentiments about changing.

Him even using the word gentleness stood out to me. Because I don't think cruel and gentle are the only options. But I understand for Yashiro it is.

It is also interesting that in the past Yashiro said "with that curse I am always looking for the old you" and then has that flashback of the old Doumeki kissing his legs before pushing him.

[saezurusteve]

We are mere days away from Chapter 52! Spoilers are afoot! And soon they will be flooding our TL's with lovely images from our favorite mangaka!

Thank you to the tireless Team Steve! You have moved houses! You have moved countries! And you still pulled yourself up by your bootstraps, tightened your belts and cranked out a chapter! You are the glitter in my stars, the sunshine in my heart, and the rubber on my soles. Get some rest, if the teaser is any indication, we are going to need it!!!

Thank you as always to the Saezuru Fandom! This is a short chapter, and I almost considered just adding it 52, but...NAHHHHHHH!

Many Chookens died to bring you this chapter...

RIP Fandom, you were one of the good ones!

PRESENTING THE FIRST CHAPTER IN VOLUME 9!!!! WE ARE HERE!!!

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, chapter 57 of Saezuru!

So, we're at an impasse again.

I don't want to see anyone shitting on Yashiro here, though I know inevitably there's going to be people doing that, and probably people shitting on Doumeki, too. I think what people need to constantly remind themselves of while reading this story is that, at it's heart, it's a story about trauma, and the difficulty, sometimes near impossibility, of ever fully overcoming that trauma.

I know some people are going to talk badly about Yashiro's reaction to Doumeki, regarding especially the moment when he pushes Doumeki away from him. They're going to grow frustrated and say he's sending Doumeki mixed messages, etc, etc... But Doumeki is also doing the same.

Doumeki, at this point, seems to me to be operating out of frustration, while Yashiro is still operating out of fear.

I felt like the pivotal moment of this chapter came after Doumeki turns Yashiro around and, for just a moment, lets his mask drop. When Yashiro makes his comment to him about him "making a face like (he) wants to do it really badly", I felt like Doumeki had an opportunity here that he blew. I'm not blaming Doumeki, let me just say right off, so that nobody misunderstands what I mean. But I think Doumeki still doesn't quite understand what's wrong with Yashiro. I think he thinks Yashiro is playing games, but he's not. Doumeki saw Yashiro's earlier moment of pushing him away when he started kissing and licking at his leg, when he was being gentle with Yashiro, and I think likely took Yashiro's comment about the face he was making as a mocking statement.

The awful part here is, it was a statement made in earnest.

So was Yashiro's reaction to pushing Doumeki away.

Yashiro is still triggered by gentle treatment. Look at his face when Doumeki starts licking at his leg, as he remembers four years earlier, to the first time they had sex. His expression is horrified. He's scared. He's traumatized. He's giving a trauma response to what's happening. You can tell by his reaction after pushing Doumeki away that it wasn't even a conscious thing he did. His body just reacted. He has this wide-eyed, shocked look, like he doesn't know what just happened.

And then Doumeki lets his frustration and probably some anger dictate his response, which is to manhandle Yashiro onto his stomach and take him from behind. Again, it's really important to watch Yashiro's reactions here to understand what's going on with him, I think.

Once again, his face is stricken. You can tell he doesn't want this at all. He even looks frightened for a moment, and then in pain as Doumeki pushes into him.

The thing is, Doumeki doesn't want this either, but like I said before, I think he's operating out of a place of frustration and anger. He lets his frustration with Yashiro's seemingly contradictory behavior push him to be forceful with Yashiro. But it doesn't last long. Doumeki then turns him again onto his back, and that's the moment he lets his mask drop, and Yashiro makes his comment about his expression.

Again, I think it's vital to understanding what's going on with Yashiro to also pay attention to his own expressions. He reaches for Doumeki's face, and smiles at him, and the look in his eyes is very soft. You can tell he means it, what he says to Doumeki, and you can tell he genuinely longs for it, for Doumeki to look at him the way he once did, with that gentle kindness and genuine desire.

If Doumeki understood what was really at the heart of Yashiro's issues, I don't think he would have reacted the way he did. He makes a mistake here when he pulls Yashiro's hand away, and even squeezes down painfully on it. Yashiro's reaction is one of confusion. He doesn't understand why Doumeki is suddenly back to being cold. He says "Huh?", when Doumeki tells him "What a nostalgic thing to say.", before once again forcefully pinning him down. Again, I think Doumeki thinks Yashiro is playing games, but he's seriously not. His response to Doumeki's gentility is a trauma response. He's still triggered by that kind of treatment, while simultaneously longing for it. He doesn't mean to be sending Doumeki mixed messages. This is what I mean when I say people need to keep in mind that this story is, at its core, about trauma and the ways it manifests. His responses to Doumeki aren't a conscious thing on Yashiro's part. He can look back at them retrospectively and think about them, like he does at the end of this chapter, but in the moment, I don't think it's voluntary at all. I think if Doumeki had taken that opportunity to just be honest with Yashiro, to tell him how he really feels, it would have been met with honesty from Yashiro in turn, because I don't think Yashiro is being dishonest at this point. I think his responses to Doumeki are all real. He says at the end of the chapter "I'm full of contradictions", a direct callback to when Yashiro was a teenager and he thought the same about himself. He's both genuinely triggered by Doumeki's gentility, and at the same time, wants it desperately.

The heartbreaking thing here is, Yashiro is blaming himself for fucking it all up again. He compares himself to livestock that can't change, and says he's completely incapable of growth. Yashiro's self-loathing is on full display. He really believes he'll never be able to move past the seeming contradictions inside him, contradictions he's felt since he was a boy. The longing for love, the deep desire to be loved, and yet, because of the severe abuse he suffered, his inability to receive that love without succumbing to a terrified, panicked response. It's Yashiro's trauma, rooted in what his stepfather did to him for years, that's preventing him from fully embracing Doumeki's love. He wants to, but he can't.

And that's the thing, too. Yashiro has always been aware of the contradictions in himself. He spoke about it as a teenager, about how he wanted to hurt Kage, but how he knew he would be hurt if Kage rejected him. That's where Yashiro misunderstood himself, though. He never wanted to hurt Kage. That was Yashiro's warped perception of himself, the part of him that thinks he wants to destroy beautiful things. It's not that. He's always just been afraid because affection triggers him, and so he convinced himself he wants to be abused, that it's his fault he's been abused because of that, as a means of coping with the way that abuse has destroyed him.

Exacerbating all of it is Doumeki's refusal to drop his mask of indifference. Again, I'm not blaming Doumeki. He's understandably frustrated, and I think starting to become angry, because he thinks it's simply a situation in which Yashiro is refusing to be honest with him about his feelings. He thinks Yashiro is messing with him, so he responds by pretending like he feels nothing for Yashiro. I don't think he realizes that he's only affirming for Yashiro his own fears that he's managed to turn Doumeki against him, that he lost Doumeki's love for him by pushing him away before, which only makes it all the harder for Yashiro to, essentially, ask for help. And Yashiro needs help. He can't do this on his own. He can't process his trauma and explain what's happening to him, explain what he's feeling, without understanding.

I don't think Doumeki understands Yashiro right now. I don't think he understands what's wrong with him.

Yashiro thinks about Doumeki with Izumi, and thinks about himself as a teenager, alone, and correlates his seeming inability to change with that aloneness. Doumeki has moved on from him, he believes, he's found an emotional connection and partner in Izumi, while Yashiro remains stuck in the same place, forever destined to be cut off and isolated from all, human affection.

He needs help. He needs someone to help him work through this, to cope with the fact that he both longs for kindness, gentility and love, while those things also terrify and repulse him and trigger a flight response in him. Yashiro isn't doing this on purpose. He's not lying. His natural inclination and desire for love and kindness is coming into direct conflict with his trauma, with the way those things, as a consequence of the abuse he's endured, have rendered love and kindness triggering to him.

I don't think Doumeki can help him until he figures out that Yashiro isn't being dishonest, but that he's trapped by his own trauma. Until he figures that out, until he realizes just how damaged Yashiro is, he's going to keep pretending he doesn't care about him, either as a punishment, or in some crude attempt to force him into acknowledging his feelings, which ultimately is having the opposite effect. It's only pushing Yashiro into a deeper hole of self-loathing and fear, only reaffirming for him every negative thought and feelings he's ever had about himself.

[lustfulcat]

OFFICIAL SAEZURU CHAPTER 53 SPOILER

Yashiro tells Doumeki that he's surprised he's jealous over The Kido Incident when he doesn't have anything to tell Kido anyway. He didn't expect Doumeki to freak out about someone other than Inami.

Honestly, this is so adorable bc Doumeki is like ??? and you can see in his eyes he's wondering how obviously jealous he was/maybe he just got called out for being in love. Meanwhile, Yashiro brings it up and then goes silent like HMMPH I AM THINKING ABOUT YOUR ATTENTION AND MAYBE I WANT MORE BUT I WON'T SAY THAT. This is going to be a snarkfest I can feel it right now.

Hopefully Doumeki gives Yashiro an answer that makes him pause, like he did in volume 1.

[danmeibrainrot]

DOUMEKI SMOKED A CIGARETTE YASHIRO SAID I LOVE YOU THEY ARE HAVING SEX WITH COMMUNICATION MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE