#Shan's meta

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

So apologies if I missed a post regarding this, but what your thoughts on the canon LOV regarding “found family?” Especially in the newer chapters, I’ve seen meta writers different pov’s of how they are a found family, or that they were never one (I think you may know some of them lol.) I know you do many head canons of them being one which I absolutely love reading. The way I see it is in a sense they could be one, but obviously not a healthy one in a way you would see one normally act. With today’s chapter on Toga’s “love” for the LOV, I’ve seen opinions of how that solidified their disconnect, but they also say they cared for each other in the first place. Which I agree, but in a way I find they do have some form of “care” for each other, but since they are all so mentally unstable right now, they can’t really help each other out since they need someone to help themselves first, hence the kids they are paralleled to (if that makes sense?) But I feel it doesn’t take away the fact that they are friends in a way. I would love to see the LOV at the end of the manga be together again, but build a healthy friendship together and truly start to understand each other, because it is Toga’s turmoil right now in this new chapter even though she does care for them. I guess looking back at what I wrote it isn’t a “found family” perspective I’m viewing, but just friends that are to broken to see each other until they are healed. But anyway, what are your thoughts on the topic and new chapter?

I'm currently not in the best condition to be riding this meta, since my right hand is broken and the cast doesn't allow me to properly cry like I wish I could. I'll try to do my best with the voice to text function of my phone board, so please forgive me for whatever crazy mistakes or misspells I'm about to make.

First of all, I think the complications come from what every person believes is the definition of a "found family".

For me the trope doesn't have to be pure or be innocent, you know? A found family is not the "healthiest" version of a family. What it means for me, it's a group of people you decide to stick with because you feel you belong with them. You feel better with them, you decide to take their side for wherever reason instead of your biological family or whatever. In turn, those people's welcome you in. They give you a place among them, they treat you like you're one of them and they value you.

I don't know when along the line people decide found families were only for heroes and "stable" people characteres? And honestly doesn't make sense. Found families started with the weirdos, the outcasts, the ones who didn't belong or felt like rejected by society. It was for the ones who were deemed dangerous, even. For me it is more a villain/anti-heroes trope on its roots.

Important addition: having a found family doesn't erase the importance of the biological family. It's not a game of one or the other, okay?

So, what that being said, let me deep dive in the complex dynamic of the League of Villains and why they are my favorite bnha group <3

There are different levels of affection.

That's a fact.

Among the big kinds, there's romantic affection, platonic affection for your close friends, familial affection, etc. There are the little specifics, like the affection you may have for your pets or for your belongings, or for your favorite movies or foods, that affection you may have for your teachers or for your neighbors... I think you get me.

Toga's struggle comes from not knowing the difference between the affections she feels. She doesn understand the variations in her dinamics with different numbers of the League of Villains and even with different heroes. Of course you can argue that she grew up with her biological family and with her classmate and friends— so she must know, right? I will say no, because her love is (in her mind) tied with her quick. We know she pretty much repressed her quick for all her childhood and for half of her teenage years, until she ran away.

She knows when she's not feeling affection but does she understand that not all her love is the same?

This chapter tell us that she wants to feel as strongly with Tomura and Dabi as she fell with Twice. She was hoping for it, she was upset when she couldn't use the quirks, she's crying because of that. There's definitely affection there. Even when the member's of the LoV weren't mentally stable or good relationships of any type, there's manga evidence that they care for each other. The went out of their way to do stuff for each other that wasn't really justified even if they tried to lie about their intentions.

I've said before that Spinner is the best example, but he's far from being the only one.

The manga paralleled Overhaul and Tomura in the way they treated their subordinates. Overhaul did not care, they were sacrifices to be made for him to achieve his goal. Tomura took it personal, as the League did. Compress and Tomura reacted immediately after Magne died, not just in their defense, something Tomura confirmed when he told Overhaul Magne lost wasn't the equivalent of one of Overhaul's dead men, she was worth so much more. Toga threatened Tomura when she thought he'd treat them like Overhaul treated his people. Jin and Toga want to take revenge on Magne's behalf and corrected Overhaul when he misgendered Magne on purpose or because he really didn't care. Tomura and Compress cut both his arms for it. Every member of the LoV helped ruin Overhaul.

That's just one arc —not even the arc that solely focus on their dynamic, I must mention.

I want you to think about how many mangas create a whole arc to explore the dynamic of the group of villains. An arc just for them, because the heroes has nothing to do with the arc!

My Villain Academia aims to get the readers and watchers to be more invested, more emotionally involved in the dynamic of this group of villains. Direct parallel to class 1A and Deku, to the plus ultra value, to the origin story explanation of the MCs. Twice overcame his greatest trauma to save Toga. Toga was fighting following Tomurq's values and that's the arc that made a Spinner is so close emotionally tomorrow. That arc was strategically made to give greater impact to all that'd later happen in the War Arc: Twice's death, Toga's despair, Mr. Compress sacrifice, Dabi's big reveal, Spinner desperation to save Tomura and Tomura losing control of his own body.

I can continue listing every single evidence that Horikoshi wrote the League of Villains to be a very fucked up found family, but I prefer to invite everyone reading this to re-read the manga and try to see for themselves.

So there's affection between the members of the League? There is, canonically. It's not a take, the manga says it itself. Is it enough to make of them a found family? Following my definition, it is.

Most members were rejected/isolated by society. They decided to join the League, they decided to stay with them, they sacrificed themselves to save their teammates... So listen carefully: the League was a pit of Insanity, but the only member who actively purposely tried to harm his partners was Dabi. Threats were a common thing, yes, but only one person went as far as to use the League and let one of them died and state he didn't consider himself as part of the whole .

Dabi is a tricky case, since he felt affection but he wouldn't let it get in the way of his revenge or his very suicidal, self-destoying fantasy-plan where he gets to punish his father and at some extent himself to death. Seriously, with how similar is his case to Sasuke from Naruto, I'm not surprised the fandom found a way to misinterpreted his whole character. That's another post, tho.

Like I say, we know the League wanted to be with each other, respected each other in their own way, were willing to protect and cheer and listen to each other... They had alternatives they could— no, would have taken if they wanted to.

It's NOT healthy, they were all making it worse. They actively made each other worse. A fact.

They ruined each other.

And I want people to finally get that love can destroy. Genuine love has no morals, it is not a person taking decisions, it doesn't subscribe to your belief system or culture, it has no agenda of its own. Affection, as a sublevel of love, is just the same. You'd do anything for the people you love and I'd do anything for the people I love and we could kill each other, start a war, whatever, all because we held our love higher than others' love.

Back to square one: Toga's affection and quirk.

Twice was genuinely gentle. It was easy for him to feel affection, to consider someone a friend. That was his downfall with Hawks, both loyal to the end to a group of friends or a cause.

That's not Toga's case. She's emotional, she's selective, she doesn't know how to connect with others after so many years repressing herself. She's desperate to become someone else in the sense she's desperate to connect.

As much as Dabi and Tomura connected with Toga, they weren't that close, were they? Their traumas couldn't allow it. Like you said, they were incapable of moving forward, getting closer. On the other hand, Toga's relationships with Ochako and Twice felt personal.

Twice got past the only thing holding him back, cementeing his friendship with Toga MVA. They were absolute best friends, no doubt.

During the War Arc, Toga and Ochako held a conversation that changed them both forever, a leap in their character progression. But even in the MVA arc, Toga's absolute desperation and desire to more like Ochako drove her to achieve a new quirk level.

The League is Toga's found family. Look back at the War Arc and how they worried about her. Look at how Tomura has treated her through the manga, at Dabi cheering her up and burning her old house. That's more than anyone ever did for her, as fucked up as it is. They care about her.

However, they've reach their limit.

There's no much they can improve in their current state. There's not getting closer, not evolving in their dynamic. In the villain path, the only thing left to do is die for each other.

Enter the heroes and redemption, in the sense they all need to heal if they want to ever continue their relationship.

Now, I believe Tsuyu's theory is roughly explained. "Not enough love" could be simply "not enough intimacy / not as personal as it could be". As a demiaro-demiace, I personally hate when people express love differences in terms of more/less. I don't believe in best friends, don't believe that romantic involvement means "being more than friends", etc. It's stupid for me.

I'm not looking forward to the discourse this will generate. The LoV dynamic is my favorite 'cause it's messy and complex and has many layers and grey areas. I don't enjoy when people erase those facts so it'd match their opinions.

Still, I hope this answers your post? This took me way to long to write with one hand and the voice to text function. Sending you all my love and thanks for sending me this!!!!

[149panda149]

TGCF: My theory on the inspiration behind the 4 calamities

In some of the oldest Chinese myths and legends, there are 4 guardian gods of the four cardinal directions - the green dragon, white tiger, crimson bird, and black tortoise, and each have a colour, season and element associated with them. I'm not sure if anyone has made this connection before, but I'm writing it down if anyone is interested. There are spoilers about the calamities' identity.

First, the 青龙 （qing long, green dragon) --> Qi Rong, Night-touring Green lantern.

The qinglong's territory is the East, and its colour is qing, which means green, or turqoise. Its element is wood, and its season is spring. Closely associated with royalty and the imperial family.

Now, for the similarities with our favourite green goblin. "qing" is literally the colour in Qi Rong's title, and his colour scheme. Qi Rong has a habit of hanging corpses from trees, which may be his relation to the element "wood". He does not have any obvious coleration with the season "spring"- perhaps he was born in spring. He is royalty, part of the imperial family as cousin to the crown prince.

Second, the 白虎 （bai hu, white tiger)--> Bai Wuxiang, White Clothed Disaster upon the Earth.

The baihu's territory is the West, its colour is white, element is gold/metal, and its season is summer. It is the king of all beasts, associated with disease and war, often used as a guardian symbol by soldiers.

On the other hand, Jun Wu's title, alias and colour scheme are all white, and has plenty of weapons that may be his link to the element of "gold/metal". I don't think he has anything to do with summer, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. He is king of the gods, a god of war, and the one to spread the human face disease.

As east and west are considered a pair, the guardian spirits are meant to reflect each other. In Chinese poems and such, symmetry is important, and both Qi Rong and Jun Wu were princes, one becoming revered by the highest of gods, covered with masks and false identities, one becoming the object of disgust by the lowest of ghosts, using his real name and face. There is a certain poetic symmetry to it, don't you think?

To the second pair. The 朱雀 (zhu que, crimson bird)----> Hua Cheng, Crimson Rain Sought Flower

The zhuque rules over the south, its colour is red, element is fire, and its season is summer. It is the king of all birds, more powerful than even the phoenix, immortal and undying. As such, in many places it is also considered a symbol of life.

Now, to the most popular ghost king: Hua Cheng. The english translation of his title is "crimson", and his colour scheme is indubitably red and autumn-y shades. He also re-re-met Xie Lian in autumn ( I think - I mean, the leaves were all red in the donghua??), and has died again and again to return like the zhuque. He is the king of all ghosts, with a great determination to live(sorta? are ghosts alive??) for his love.

Lastly, my personal favourite, the 玄武 (xuan wu, black tortoise)---->He Xuan, Black Water Sinking Ships

The xuanwu, also called a tortoise, is actually the only spirit to be a combination of 2 animals, a snake and a tortoise. It rules over the north. Its colour is black( sometimes depicted as dark blue), element is water, and its season is winter. In earlier legends, he is considered a guide and guardian to the netherworld, of death and of long life.

Thus, to our poor indebted water ghost. He Xuan's name is "xuan", the same! goddamn! character! as the spirit! His title and colour scheme are all to do with the colour black, and he is a water ghost because he died because of the Water Master. He has been marked by death, yet survived and vowed revenge. This, and the fact that his house is called the Nether Water Manor, is probably his relation to the netherworld of the xuanwu.

To the pair of south and north. Both Hua Cheng and He Xuan have suffered and suffered again, yet Hua Cheng chooses to linger on due to hope and love, and He Xuan due to revenge and hatred. But hatred and love are two sides of the same coin. If Hua Cheng hadn't experienced the hatred from his childhood, he wouldn't have thrown himself from the city wall and met Xie Lian. If He Xuan hadn't loved his family, so much, he wouldn't have broken that hard after their deaths to lose himself to hatred and empty vengence.

Aaaaaand that concludes this essay. Keep in mind that this is a theory, and probably even isn't true, but if anybody wants a more detailed description of the guardian spirits, or to know more about the similarities between the mythical creatures of ancient china and tgcf, I will be more than happy to make a part 2.

Thanks for reading!!

[ichigokeks]

Why TianShan's kiss was perfect

First of all, Mo initiated it. That alone is so incredibly meaningful. He always holds back and has trouble showing his feelings, it takes an extreme situation that threatens He Tian's life to make him show how much he loves He Tian. They faced such a situation but right now they are in the safety of Mo's home. His mother is there. He had time to process everything and finally takes the courage and understands and accepts his own need to show He Tian his feelings.

He Tian is often very forceful or playful about physical touch, but he learned to hold back more and respect Mo's boundaries. He saw what Mo was doing and let him take the lead. That was so beautiful! It showed his own growth. He Tian doesn't like giving up control. But he waited. He waited for Mo to come closer. He waited for Mo to take his hand. He waited for Mo to kiss him. He waited so patiently, all the while looking at Mo so gently. Like he would have been content just seeing that Mo cares for him, to just hold his hand.

We rarely see Mo initiating physical touch with He Tian. This is the first time we see him go this far. I have noticed this in previous chapters - despite being loud, rather aggressive and constantly pushing He Tian away, Mo is very gentle. Whenever He Tian was hurt, Mo touched him very carefully. It might be in part due to his hesitation and nervousness but he is very slow and tender when it comes to express his love. He reached for He Tian's hand and let their fingers intertwine, step by step. They looked at each other for quite some time before taking the next step. Mo finally reached out to put his hand in the nape of He Tian's neck and you can see his fingers trembling. They both held each other so carefully because there is so much that goes into this kiss and their touch. This is months-worth of longing, of pain, of understanding, of love, of fear and of final acceptance and finding a safe place.

[xthelastknownsurvivorx]

idk if anyone has written about this before but there's this big parallel/foreshadowing in terms of wang fu and fang duobing's biological fathers. specifically I'm thinking about this line from fang duobing in episode 2:

"you've not once thought of wang fu for over 10 years until you killed your witness and finally remembered the son you abandoned. what a great father you are. you only want to prop him up to be used to keep this soulridge order in the palm of your hand."

this is almost word for word what shan gudao did with fang duobing — only remembering him and offering him power when it was convenient and helped his overall plan. additionally, both xin lei and shan gudao hid their identities and wormed their way into established organizations (the soulridge order and jinyuan alliance respectively) with plans to betray the leader and seize power

i didn't catch this on my first watch but i'm guessing it was meant as a hint for when we learn shan gudao is fang duobing's bio dad and when it's clear shan gudao isn't quite who li lianhua remembered him to be

(credits to ruiconteur for the translation)

[wen-kexing-apologist]

And the Hands Have It!

well, @emotionallychargedtowel let out the bat signal (or in this case the hand signal) about the fact I had not talked about the hand moment in 25.00 Ji Akasaka de episode 7. Maybe this is what finally breaks me out of my essay writing slump. 

I love hands. 

I love hands because they are expressive. 

I love hands because they are intimate. 

I love hands because they can show us a truth that a face with all its intricate muscles does not always reveal. 

A character removes themself from emotion, pretends they are okay, but their hands clench in to fists and we know that they are angry. A character is not supposed to let their love for another show, but their hand reaches out for just a moment towards the other, we know that they want nothing more than to hold them. Fingers twitch as if electricity has run through them, cross to break a promise, reach across space in search of reciprocated feelings. 

I absolutely loved episode 7 of At 25:00 in Akasaka because it was able to give us such incredible insight in to Hayama’s character in such a short period of time. We’ve been in Shirasaki’s head for so long, I had grown accustomed to Hayama’s stoic face. Assumed it was a mask of a different sort, one to shroud the character in mystery, placed there by an actor who knew exactly what he was feeling for his former classmate and was trying to keep Shirasaki on his toes. 

But instead we got a mask placed by a mother on a son, that fused to Hayama’s flesh every time another person assigned him value by his looks alone. A mask that is not so easy to remove, that will take time to shed forever, and so Hayama’s hands do what his face cannot. They show emotion. 

Asami’s hand reaches out and smooths down Yuki’s hair when their coworker tousles it because Asami cares about Yuki. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Asami’s hands reach out and place themselves on top of Yuki’s when kneading dough, because Asami wants to fuck Yuki.

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

Asami’s hand grasps desperately at the side of Yuki’s face, and his fingers dig in to the back of Yuki’s neck, because this kiss means more to Asami than just practice, Asami wants this to be real. Asami likes Yuki, Asami has gotten ahead of himself, Asami’s face has barely changed when he and Yuki are together, but his hand betrays his feelings, without Asami even knowing. Asami's hands grasp at the side of Yuki's face and applys pressure, to show a want that Hayama has never ever been allowed to express. 

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

And we end the episode with Asami trapped behind a pane of glass, where his hands cannot reach out for Yuki. His face is finally expressive, but Yuki’s turned away, shutting out the chance for Asami’s true feelings to be reaffirmed through touch. The way that Yuki knows. Because every touch Yuki has felt from Asami’s hands have been true. The feelings have been true, even while his face is still. And the feelings Yuki has, feelings Yuki has always, always conveyed out in the open, have been shattered on a lie (Asami’s words he heard and misconstrued).

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

[murderedbyhomework]

There's a saying somewhere on the cn fandom that 如果角姐是戀愛腦，李相夷便是師兄腦 (if jiao liqiao is love brain, Li Xiangyi was shixiong brain) and like it's so true tho. Like we as a random do not talk about just how much Li Xiangyi/Li Lianhua loved his shixiong, even outside the obvious "spending his remaining 10 years with the one goal of finding his shixiong's remains and immediately giving up on fighting against death after finding sgd to the extent where dfs had to bring out the big guns to get llh to continue living for a while".

There's way too many stuff I could talk about but I'll briefly talk about Wenjing. As depicted in canon, Wenjing was sgd's 18th birthday present for lxy, made from Yun Metal (not that lxy knew it at the time). The name of the sword itself says a lot about lxy's love for his shixiong. Wenjing (刎頸）refers to the phrase 刎頸之交, aka "a friendship/relationship one would slit their throat for, referring to friendships where one would willingly and gladly lay down their life for the other". Li Xiangyi is the one who names this sword, and he directly references this phrase when naming the sword. One could say wenjing was a symbol of just how much sgd meant to lxy.

So how much does wenjing mean to Li Xiangyi/Li Lianhua? Going off canon, lxy was a bit of a peacock, and he liked to show off things he deemed impressive, yet for things that were actually really important to him, such as his love for cheap candy, he kept close to his chest. So what about Wenjing? It's a beautiful sword, and very well made, but Li Xiangyi never showed it off to anyone and kept it extremely private, because in his opinion, sgd's gift was something he wanted to keep just for himself. As top of the Jianghu, a lot of him was shown to the public and under public scrutiny, everything about him placed on the spotlight, placed on a pedestal, yet lxy was possessive enough over this sword to keep it to himself, like a secret only his shixiong and himself would know.

And then there's lxy always keeping wenjing on him even during his years as llh. As lxy, he had shaoshi as a sword already, and he didn't need another sword on him, not really, because he's proven that even disarmed he's not defenseless, but he kept wenjing on him anyway, because it was probably a symbol of his shixiong's love for him. And as llh, he would continue keeping the sword on him, despite being a wandering doctor who supposedly knew no martial arts and would be too poor to have such a beautiful sword.

And finally, llh chose to destroy shaoshi instead of using it to end himself (it's canon he literally said to shaoshi "using you to end me is rather inappropriate"), but despite wenjing later being revealed as, in fact, a sign of sgd's betrayal and hate of llh, llh never destroyed that it. He did throw it into a cliff face so no one could ever reach it again (low key excalibur situation hmn), but in my mind, it wasn't ever an action of hate against sgd, not a rejection of his gift, but rather llh throwing wenjing away from himself before he could actually get really mad and destroy this gift from his shixiong. He might have left wenjing behind when he went off to die, but we all know Llh's love language is abandonment.

[minnarr]

REFERENCE POST: very minor characters of Word of Honor

I originally gathered these blorbos together for a presentation called "Writing in the Margins: finding story in the minor characters of Word of Honor" (sometimes, in a pinch, I title slide deck party presentations like a paper because it's easy). My criteria for this presentation was that I wanted to highlight characters to whom a lot of people's reaction would be, "Who?" So characters like Gu Miaomiao and Gao Xiaolian and Deng Kuan, while my beloveds, are not here because they are just a bit too present in the story.

Why should you click through and read? Well, honestly, I'm adapting this as a resource for fellow fic writers who just want some folks to help flesh out the world. This post is divided into three sections: Chengling's Generation, Tianchaung's Orbit, and The Previous Generation. There's so much just going on in the background; let's take a look.

Chengling's Generation

Mu Yunge

Introduction: Episode 5* Suggested Episodes: 5, 7

* by "introduction", I mean the episode in which their name card appears, officially introducing them; for some characters, as with Mu Yunge, their first appearance in the show happens before that point

Mu Yunge is an interesting inclusion because I don't like him. He's pretty much there to suck, and then die. He's here for two reasons. One, he does a lot to flesh out his world; two, he's in the boyband in the concert they did after Word of Honor wrapped, and that is my favorite part.

I'm really only going to address the first one here. Oh, Mu Yunge. He's there to show how the Department of the Unfaithful operates, and how very present the violent misogyny they address still is in his world. He's also (to all appearances) a young man in good standing in the martial arts world. Deng Kuan is close enough to him that he's selected as one of the friends to take part in the deathmatch in his name. What does this say about the young men of that generation? And his death also has echoes in the background drama in the show: Mu Siyuan (his dad) becomes a loud voice against the ghosts and later Gao Chong.

Zhu Yaozhi

Introduction: 3 Suggested Episodes: 7, 14, & 24

Zhu Yaozhi is fascinating to me because he is such an encapsulation of what Word of Honor does with its larger plot. Because, like, there's all these moving pieces and a lot of them are moving in the background and the main characters don't really notice or give a shit, but they're definitely moving along arcs that make sense from their point of view.

This guy is a disciple of Yueyang Sect, Gao Chong's sect (along with Deng Kuan); we see him multiple times just doing kind of grunt work/investigation for them, most notably when he follows up on the guy Gu Xiang beat up for harrassing musicians and then is apologetic and embarrassed for believing his side of the story (episode 7). He's also buddies with Mo Weixu, Cao Weining's shixiong, and teases Cao Weining to him. (See this gifset for part of the scene in question, from episode 14). Early Zhu Yaozhi is a goofball who's just doing his job.

After Gao Chong's disgrace, he goes searching for Gao Xiaolian and we lose track of him until he turns up again in ep 24 being menaced by Mu Siyuan. Mu Siyuan wants him to say his master was evil and colluded with the ghosts, and Zhu Yaozhi refuses and tries to punch him. It's great. It also gives us Shen Shen to the rescue in the middle of his own loyalty/figuring out how to be truly righteous arc. I have a lot of feelings about this. He's such a useful character for showing us what Yueyang Sect is like and what becomes of it after Gao Chong dies.

Song Huairen (L) & Xie Wuyang (R)

Introduction: SHR: 5 / XWY: 8 Suggested Episodes: SHR: 5 / XWY: 9, 17

I've paired these because they're both Xie Wang’s competition, young men who also call Zhao Jing yifu. They are both disciples of Yueyang Sect; Song Huairen is supposed to be a favored disciple of Gao Chong. Xie Wang eliminates him the same night we meet him and plays it off to Zhao Jing as the shell game with the Glazed Armor going wrong.

Xie Wuyang meanwhile starts off as a character who makes Zhang Chengling’s life at Yueyang uncomfortable—up to and including whipping him during training. Very satisfyingly, Gu Xiang knocks him out when he’s giving Chengling a hard time in episode 11. Later on, after Zhao Jing has settled in at Yueyang, Xie Wuyang serves him in his private rooms doing stuff like giving him manicures. 

Mo Weixu

Introduction: 14 Suggested Episodes: 14, 26-28

Mo Weixu is the son of Mo Huaiyang (Cao Weining's horrible shifu) and Cao Weining's da-shixiong. When he first appears, he scolds Cao Weining for having no ambition but then shoos him off to check on Gu Xiang anyway, and we see this mix of sternness-as-concern and indulgence continue. He's kind to Gu Xiang, and helps guide her through greeting their shishu Fan Huaikong properly, but he also warns Cao Weining that she might not be everything she appears. He's kind of the level-headed ballast to Cao Weining's naivete and worries about him.

Mo Weixu is not at Cao Weining's wedding. Mo Huaiyang says he had to cleanse his sect because his disciple and shidi were bewitched by Gu Xiang. However, in episode 36, Xie Wang specifically says that they never found Mo Weixu's body, even though they definitely found Fan Huaikong's. Fellow fic writers: you know what that means.

Tianchuang's Orbit

Bi Xingming (L) & Cheng Zichen (R)

Introduction: 31 Suggested Episodes: 31

Disciples of Siji hidden in Tianchuang! These two were both taken as disciples by men within Tianchuang and took their surnames; Bi Xingming’s first shifu is Bi Changfeng, the guy who took the nails in episode 1. Cheng Zichen's is a guy called Cheng Xiu. They show up in like one episode but I’m obsessed with them. They lead the party of Tianchuang ducklings who rescue Zhou Zishu and then get inducted into Siji as Zhou Zishu’s disciples. Bi Xingming is specifically shown to be very eager about this, but is told he’ll have to wait to have a ceremony about it till his shixiong Chengling comes back.

Princess Jing'an

Introduction: 1 Suggested Episodes: 1

Talk about one-scene wonders—Princess Jing'an left an impression on me. What kind of past interactions does it imply that she calls Zhou Zishu Zhou-shixiong, but he doesn't know she and Jiuxiao were in love? I have questions and I want to answer them. Also even in her like 2 minutes of screentime we see her sharp and defiant and angry and it makes me want to write her SO bad.

Qingluan

Introduction: [N/A] Suggested Episodes: 30

She is literally mentioned in like 1 or 2 lines in episode 30 so she’s less fascinating for her Word of Honor appearance than for how she is mentioned here paired with her role in Qi Ye (the novel that's the prequel to the novel SHL is based on): In Qi Ye, Su Qingluan (originally named Su Cui'r) is a beauty who becomes part of the crown prince party, gets caught working against them, and is confined to a house as Helian Yi’s concubine for the foreseeable future.

In Word of Honor, she’s one of the people (the list also includes Zhou Zishu, Yunxing, Qin Jiuxiao, and Jing Beiyuan) who swore together in her courtyard to make Jinwang emperor, which implies a much more active role in their party than in Qi Ye. We also know she killed herself before the events of canon (or at least as far as Jinwang knows; in the same section, Zhou Zishu says that Jinwang poisoned Jing Beiyuan to death with a straight face). This seems to be part of the whole party splintering over time. Once more: implied story, free real estate (jazz hands).

Jing Beiyuan's six siblings

At one point Jing Beiyuan justifies being called Qi Ye (Lord Seventh) by saying he's the seventh kid in his generation. (There's a different, much more absurd, justification in the novels). I take him at his word just because that's the funniest option. I don't have more to say beyond just:

Six

SIX!!!!!!

are they worse than him? are they normal?

just

SIX

The Previous Generation

Qin-furen

Introduction: [N/A] Suggested Episodes: 12, 24

SIDEBAR: the moms. The dads have SO much narrative weight in the story in ways that most of the moms really don’t—they’re often nameless or fully invisible—so I leap at even the tiniest mentions of what they’re like and think a lot about them. Qin-furen’s the only one who really lands in the sweet spot for this post: enough info to play with and not make a total OC, not enough screentime that I expect to find many fics with her.

This is the wife of Qin Huaizhang, Zhou Zishu’s shifu. She’s mentioned in just a handful of lines and unnamed. She rescued rabbits and apparently was fearsome with her husband about it. She was friends with Chengling’s mom, who had a similar dynamic with her husband, according to Chengling. In episode 12, Zhou Zishu says, “I wanted to practice martial arts when I was a child. Sometimes, when my master forced me to play, I would seek help from his wife. She always stood by my side and criticized my master.” I have spent a truly stupid amount of time looking at her gravestone trying to glean info, and I’m still not really sure what we should be calling her.

Yue Feng'er

Introduction: 19 Suggested Episodes: 19

The eldest disciple of her generation at Healer Valley and the wife of Rong Xuan. She rough-houses with Shen Shen and is known by her own title as well as being the eldest of the Three Heroes of Healers Valley. She’s presumably well-known in the martial arts world, and woven right into the web of friendships that started off all this tragedy. And she also loved her husband so fiercely that when he was poisoned she used a forbidden technique and took the heart out of a living man to try to heal him. She’s a powerful healer and at least as much a monster as he is and I like her so much.

[lurkingshan]

La Pluie Meta Round-up

Since many of us have decided to stop being normal about this show, I wanted to get a little more organized about tracking the great meta inspired by the episodes every week. Some of y’all are putting in work to write these amazing essays digging into the text and subtext of this show, and I want to make sure I’m not missing any of it, as well as have a central place to track my own. I thought this might also be a useful resource to others, especially anyone coming to the show late (please join us, this is the perfect moment to get into La Pluie). 

So without further ado, a round up of my favorite essays and posts to come out of the fandom on this excellent show. I will plan to update this each Saturday with the previous week’s meta as we go through the final four episodes. I tried my best to find everything but y'all know how faulty tumblr’s search and tag functions are, so if you think I missed something important, let me know!

First, the most crucial essay about La Pluie that everyone must read

We Must All Get Gayer and Louder About La Pluie Immediately (@bengiyo)

Second, a round up of some of the essays exploring the structure and intent of the story

Note: these may contain random spoilers for some episodes but are not specifically about any given episode

Four schools of thought on soulmates (@shortpplfedup)

Intentional subversion of the soulmate trope

Interrogating the romance genre (@chickenstrangers) 

La Pluie and the subversion of second lead syndrome

La Pluie and the subversion of the faen fatale

La Pluie: On the Lore 

Locations of La Pluie (@colourme-feral)

Name meanings in La Pluie (@recentadultburnout)

Narrative determinism versus genre determinism (@ginnymoonbeam)

On the subject of consent in recent bls (@williamrikers)

Romance tropes don’t work in real life (@heretherebedork) NEW

Romantic idealism in La Pluie (@ginnymoonbeam)

And finally, episode specific reactions and predictions

Note: These are spoilerific, starting at episode 4 aka when we all started really losing our minds over this show

Episode 4

Defying destiny (me and @bengiyo)

La Pluie Ep 4 And My Love Of Emotionally Available Characters (@bengiyo)

You (Yes, You!) Should be Watching La Pluie

Episode 5

La Pluie Ep 5 Stray Thoughts (aka birth of the Tai’s Dad is queer theory) (@bengiyo)

What we know about Patts (plus Shan and Ben’s vindication)

Working out the colors in La Pluie (@respectthepetty)

Episode 6

Hands in La Pluie Ep 6 (@wen-kexing-apologist)

La Pluie meets Nora Roberts (@syrena-del-mar)

On suspicion of Patts (@ginnymoonbeam)

Patts Was Going to Blow Tai. Tai Wanted It. Why That Matters. (@bengiyo)

You need to be watching La Pluie

Episode 7

Hands in La Pluie Ep 7 (@wen-kexing-apologist)

La Pluie: Maybe we will get a happy ending after all (@neuroticbookworm)

On the bed scene in Ep 7 (@ginnymoonbeam)

On the make out session in Ep 7 (@shouldiusemyname)

Episode 8

La Pluie and the Exploration of Romance, Competence, and Queerness (@bengiyo)

La Pluie: Do you still believe in soulmates?

La Pluie: The most important thing is that we really love each other

The Language of Love in La Pluie Ep 8 (@wen-kexing-apologist)

Third Child Syndrome: Birth Order Theory in La Pluie (@syrena-del-mar)

Episode 9

La Pluie and The Kind One (@sunshinechay)

Soulmate Skepticism vs Romanticism in La Pluie (@neuroticbookworm) 

the divine in me; the divine in you (@liyazaki)

The Kindness is the Point (@bengiyo)

The ultimate message of La Pluie

To love is a choice (@heretherebedork) 

What matters is CHOICE (@shortpplfedup)

Episode 10

A Jungian Perspective on La Pluie (@syrena-del-mar)

A Logical Love Doesn’t Exist (@fadelikeclouds)

break your own chains (@liyazaki)

Diving into Tai’s mind: Actions do not speak louder than words (@fadelikeclouds)

La Pluie: A Masterclass in Conflict Writing in Romance

La Pluie Breaks the Soulmate Bond

La Pluie: Not All Gays Are Great (@bengiyo)

La Pluie the Soundtrack (@shouldiusemyname)

Lomfon thoughts (@rocketturtle4)

On Tai’s isolation (@sunshinechay)

On villainising Patts (@shortpplfedup)

Pee Peerawich Can Fucking Act (@wen-kexing-apologist)

Revisiting episode 8

Similarities between Lomfon and Tai (@iguessitsjustme)

Tai and Patt’s incompatible conflict styles and Tais’ conflict avoidance (@ginnymoonbeam)

The Depths of Inner Turmoil (@syrena-del-mar)

The Soulmate Label (@indigostarfire)

Understanding the Core Four of La Pluie (@neuroticbookworm)

Episode 11

Balancing Self-Absorption and Love in La Pluie (@syrena-del-mar)

Checking in on the colors (@respectthepetty)

Connection (@wen-kexing-apologist)

Communication (@shouldiusemyname)

Even though they’ve separated it doesn’t mean they’ve failed (@chinzhilla)

It isn’t destiny- it’s freedom (@liyazaki)

La Pluie and the Aftermath

La Pluie: Thoughts on the Queer Subtext and More Patts Reflections (@bengiyo)

On Tai as a middle child of divorced parents (@slayerkitty)

On Tai’s special treatment within the family (@shortpplfedup)

Parenting in La Pluie, Episode 11 (@neuroticbookworm)

The narrative is letting Tai be unlikeable (@sunshinechay)

[nutcasewithaknife]

There's something about how Di Feisheng survives, spends a decade with the knowledge of Li Xiangyi's death, struggles to see the shape of a future without him, while Li Xiangyi does exactly the same for Shan Gudao. How Di Feisheng without Li Xiangyi would most likely have gone back to a joyless life of relentlessly pursuing power to survive, and how Li Xiangyi without Shan Gudao builds himself a new, peaceful existence that nevertheless leaves him as alone as before, that has only death after the relentless pursuit of correcting his incorrigible wrongs as best as he can. How Di Feisheng finds Li Xiangyi, alive but intent on dying, barely recognisable. How Li Xiangyi finds Shan Gudao alive, twisted beyond recognition, and is forced to face that he never really knew the man. How Di Feisheng slowly and surely comes to care for Li Lianhua, Li Xiangyi, whoever he is, while Li Xiangyi can only allow himself to feel grief and rage at Shan Gudao. In the end, Li Xiangyi must kill the one whose death he has spent a decade mourning, and Di Feisheng is left waiting for a match that will never come. When you build a life around one person, what else is left once they are gone? Do you leave the rest behind, or do you keep looking?

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

Rereading the manga, I notice something really interesting. If you go back to chapter 59, you'll find All Might explaining how AFO and OFA as quirks were born. That's the first time Toshinori explains the history of AFO too.

The interesting part is the way he tells the story of Yoichi, the first user of OFA. It reminds me a lot of Tenko's story. It can be just me, but please read it for yourself:

" The man had a quirkless little brother / the man had a quirkless younger brother.

The little brother was small, and frail, but he harbored a strong sense of justice...! / This brother was small and fragile, but he had a strong sense of justice!

His brother's actions panged his heart... and he opposed him / and the deeds of his big brother pained him... So he opposed the tyrant. "

( A quirkless little brother asking why the world is so unfair finding out he actually has a quirk when he decides to oppose his abuser? Of course, here the difference is that Yoichi was older than Tenko when it all happened. He was not a confused 5 years old trying to understand why and how.... )

" Yes... He who was thought quirkless, did in fact possess one prior. / Yes... It turned out he hadn't actually been quirkless from the start.

Though neither he himself nor anyone around him had ever noticed / thought neither he nor anyone else has known it. "

That means there is a previous instance in which a young man thought quirkless had indeed a quirk: Yoichi himself!

It also makes me think about how Tomura/Tenko's control over decay depends on his emotional and psychological state.

The night his quirk awakened, we saw that Tenko had no control over it; everything that touched the ground he had contact with decayed. After he was "rescued" and after he was given the hands of his deceased family, AFO noticed that Tomura had unconsciously restrained decay so he would only affect the things he directly touched. Later on the story, Tomura was able to expand his quirk, evolving to decay without using all his five fingers during My Villain Academia. He was able to decay things at will during the War arc!!!

Could it be possible that Tenko had unconsciously repressed his own quirk for years before the night he killed his family?

Maybe when he tried to repress his own feelings about what was happening at home, Tenko also repressed decay without knowing. If he kept all his negative feelings in check as to not upset his family, it'd be an option.

If we wanted to reaaaally go crazy theorizing, we could even make a case about how Tenko having a previous quirk before AFO implanted decay on him is a possibility (within the frames of the bnha narrative). I'm not going there, but I think that fic authors would appreciate the prompt.

[reconstructionlegacy]

Ngani Zho Coerced Custody Of Theron

[Zho] had told the Jedi Council and the leaders of the Republic military that he had sent Satele on a vital mission— something he could not speak of for fear of endangering her life. Given Master Zho’s impeccable reputation, none had questioned him. Now, however, the mission was over. It was time for her to return; the Republic had fought too long without their champion. The Sith Empire’s relentless advance had gone too far. She could no longer ignore the Republic’s need. [...] “You promised you would take him,” Satele said softly, gazing down into the child’s wide, wondering eyes. “I will,” Ngani assured her. “If that’s still what you want.” “What I want has nothing to do with it,” she muttered as she reluctantly handed the child back to her Master. [...] As he took the child from her arms, the moment of greatest joy she would ever know ended.

— Star Wars: The Old Republic: Annihilation

BACKGROUND

Ngani Zho trained, according to Lost Suns (admittedly according to Zho the manipulator), Satele Shan, Syo Bakarn, Jaric Kaedan, and Bela Kiwiiks. Obviously, that is not possible for full Padawans, and Satele was under Kao Cen Darach's mentorship in the first trailer (and then he died), so my theory here is that Zho stepped in to "foster" mentor at least some of these promising young Jedi (and gain influence with them).

WHAT HAPPENED

Zho was somehow trusted by the Council (maybe because he partially trained a third of them). Satele became pregnant, went to Zho for advice, and rather than saying "let's talk to the Council, the normal Jedi support structure, which trusts me," he said "I will cover this up. For you." Like a favour.

He said to the Council that she was on a mission, which put a time limit on the 'plan' ("Always with the plan, aren't you?" Zho asks Theron in Lost Suns). By lying to the Council on her behalf, he made it impossible to go to them for support, or at the least heavily implied to Satele that her pregnancy was somehow wrong or shameful.

By isolating Satele from everyone but himself, and putting a time limit on her seclusion, he arranged for her to have no real choice but to give him custody of Theron. (The scion of a powerful bloodline... and possibly even blackmail material against the future Grand Master.)

Then, having secured the custody of Theron, he proceeded to isolate him as he had isolated Satele, and thoroughly abuse him. This is detailed in Lost Suns, and I will not detail it here; suffice to say it began at the earliest when Theron was five, and Theron's life was endangered by Zho, who abandoned Theron upon realizing he was not Force-sensitive.

(SOME OF) THE AFTERMATH

Years later, when Theron is an SIS officer, under convoluted plot circumstances (that is: the plot of Lost Suns), he reencounters Zho. Zho takes another young person, Teff'ith, under his wing, which Theron is unhappy about. (Teff'ith asks Theron, who has used the term 'childhood trauma' about Zho by this point, and will later elaborate with horrific detail that I, once more, decline to repeat, "Scared of him?". Theron says 'no' - you know, like a liar. Anyway -)

(My theory is that Zho was Star Cabal, Revanite, or both, and wanted complete control of the training of the Blood Of Revan... but fuck knows why he did any of this. Your guess is as good as mine.)

I do think, in the text, Zho's treatment of Theron is framed as abhorrent, especially given the cited and open trauma and abuse. There is also a line in Annihilation about him glaring at Satele in a way that reminds me of Theron's textual panic attack when Satele mentions Zho to him elsewhere in the book. Given this, I think it is an entirely reasonable conclusion, even ignoring the fact that he is baby-stealing Jedi georg, the only Jedi known to have actually stolen a baby, that he mistreated Satele, too.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

At any rate - Ngani Zho coerced Satele into giving him custody of Theron. Theron does not know this, and assumes Satele chose freely to gave him up.

We can't know what her decision would have been, because she didn't truly get to make one. She may have chosen to give Theron up. She may not have. But as it was, as it happened, she did not have a genuine choice.

TL;DR: Tie-in material makes it quite clear that Ngani Zho, the "Master Zho" in one of Theron's combat lines, coerced Satele into giving the infant Theron into his custody. This was terrible for everyone involved, except Zho.

[kseniyagreen]

Dance with the ghost

I'm thinking again about the theme of ghosts in Mysterious Lotus casebook, and I'm inclined to think that it's not really about physical death. But about social death. The word ghost appears many times throughout the drama.

But the real ghosts in the drama are ghosts in the same sense as in The Word of Honor. Rejected by society. People invisible to society. Or people whose suffering is invisible to society.

In every case under investigation there are such people - women captured by a tyrant, strange people, disabled people, people with mental disorders, people with unusual appearance, injuries.

By investigating the cases, Li Lianhua and Fang Duobing make these people visible. First of all, thanks to Li Lianhua's gift of seeing. But Fang Duobing also has the prerequisites for developing this ability - from the very beginning he sees Li Lianhua, his first "ghost" . And then through it he learns to see others. By choosing the life of a ghost, Li Lianhua becomes susceptible to the lives of other ghosts. But he is still afraid of becoming a "lonely wild ghost" - someone who no one sees and who cannot be at peace with himself.

He goes through the journey, plunging into the world of ghosts and becoming imbued with sympathy and understanding for them. In this context, the theme of the ghostly marriage of Li Lianhua and Di Feisheng is also not about death and doom. On the one hand, it emphasizes the fact that they are both “ghosts”, in this metaphorical social sense.

On the other hand… this can also be seen as a metaphor for queer relations in conservative countries. When two people live as spouses, but for society their marriage is “ghostly”, invisible. And even queercoded love stories in dramas end up being “ghostly”. They are seen only by those who are able to see, but for everyone else they seem to be absent.

So the relationship between Li Lianhua and Di Feisheng is ghostly, because society does not accept their union.

But there is another side to the ghost theme. Who are the real restless spirits in this drama? Ghosts that exist beyond the boundaries of society? Or those who are struggling to establish themselves in this society? The ones who behave most like ghosts in this drama are the antagonists. They strive for one goal with such obsession, as if having achieved it they will be able to become real.

But they do not feel contact with themselves or with others. Therefore, their thirst for existence cannot be satisfied.

They get power - but it seems to them not enough. They receive love - but love makes them visible, which is unbearable for them, so they destroy everyone who loves them.

Shang Gudao received all the teacher's power, but it did not help him win. Because he didn't even remember the first lessons. Because he had never really seen the teacher, but Li Xiangyi had.

The ability to see and be seen is precisely what makes a person real.

But if the connection with someone or with a whole society becomes too destructive, unbearable, a person may choose to become invisible to others in order to remain real to himself.

Is this flight or protest? Maybe both. One thing is for sure - this is a failure for society.

As for the person himself... sometimes one or two people who really see you are enough to exist.

[qpjianghu]

If episode 30 of mysterious lotus casebook is like multiple stabs to the heart, episode 31 is like. A gentle wiping of the blood from your face, a tender caress of the knife as it's lovingly guided deeper and deeper into your soul until it pierces your very being. Because Fang Duobing finds Shan Gudao's box of knicknacks, and he and Li Lianhua share a smile -- Fang Duobing's beaming, Li Lianhua's soft, reminiscing. And they find the knife that Li Xiangyi meticulously crafted for his shixiong, but it's broken -- and Li Lianhua unthinkingly points out that he wasn't very good at making weapons, so it's his fault that the knife broke after a few uses. But Fang Duobing, sweet, smart Fang Duobing, says that's not right -- the knife was purposefully snapped. It's not Li Lianhua's fault.

And it just got me thinking about how Li Lianhua is so quick to blame himself for everything. The knife breaking was his fault -- but really it was Shan Gudao who broke it. Li Lianhua's shifu's death was his fault -- but really it was Shan Gudao, again. Shan Gudao, who Li Lianhua adored, respected, loved, and crafted his entire life around (we also learn that Li Xiangyi / Lianhua's love for candy came from Shan Gudao).

Then we see Li Xiangyi's name maliciously struck out at the bottom of Shan Gudao's box, and the moment of realization for Li Lianhua is just... I need to lie down for 7-10 business years or maybe forever

[murderedbyhomework]

The way there's other occasions in the og lianhualou script where Li Lianhua is described to lose control of his emotions and get really mad like he did against Shan Gudao during the cliff fight scene but it's not really in the drama

On one hand it shows just how important sgd is to llh that he's the only one to truly truly evoke explosive anger from llh and not just the cold anger he normally has, but I'm pretty sure Cheng yi made use of the creative freedom he had in to the show and suggested changing the script (there's reuters during filming where cy was enthusiastically discussing the script with the director he was gesturing to the script and everything) to fit novel Llh's polite and gentle sort of detachment.

[bbcphile]

Today, I’m crying about Li Xiangyi’s childhood, the way it taught him that losing meant he didn’t deserve to exist, and how that governed his response to the East Sea battle ten years earlier and to all the revelations at the end of the show.

Li Xiangyi obviously loves his shifu and shiniang, and they definitely loved him, too, given that his shifu wanted him to focus more on enjoying life and less on changing the world and obtaining victories, and given that his shifu sacrificed himself to try to save Xiangyi and his shiniang wanted to. So, his childhood with them definitely had more love, support, stability, and learning opportunities than his earlier life, which features such traumas as seeing his mom murdered in front of him, living on the streets starting at age 4, watching his older brother die in front of him and then forgetting his older brother existed, probably from traumatic amnesia/dissociation. That being said, though, his shiniang and shifu made some truly horrific decisions that caused some epic problems for both Li Xiangyi and Shan Gudao! It’s not just that they withheld incredibly important knowledge about Xiangyi’s early life and background from him (who his parents were, why they were murdered, that he had an older brother, the secret of his heritage)--although wow, that is a terrible way to raise a traumatized child–it’s also that they fostered competition instead of caring, both with the children they raised and between each other. I’m thinking in particular of the fact that, once shiniang and shifu separated, they each took a child (based on drawing lots) and had Xiangyi and Shan Gudao fight once a month to determine not just which kid was the better martial artist, but which adult was a better teacher, and, by extension, parent and person! 

That last thing is just so infuriating and, frankly, abusive: it makes each kid think competition and winning is how affection is earned, and that any sort of mistake or loss or failure is the absolute end of the world, because you’re never just letting yourself down or not reaching your potential: you are proving that you don’t deserve their care and affection. It also taught Xiangyi that he was responsible for their caregiver’s happiness and reputation, and once you have that kind of overdeveloped sense of responsibility as a child, you carry it through into every aspect of your life, because you don’t know any other way of being. No wonder Xiangyi thought he carried the world on his shoulders: growing up, the mountain home/training center was his world–since it seems like he didn’t have interactions with anyone else until he left the mountain at age 15–so he had been carrying that belief for at least a decade without having seen any other models of ways to exist. 

Also, we know Xiangyi thinks he owes his shiniang and shifu for having brought him into their family: having that added sense of debt makes everything so much worse, because he essentially thinks he owes his entire existence to them. It seems like Xiangyi felt like he had to win the competitions to prove he deserved to be there, but also to prove he deserved to exist. 

For his early life, he only felt the positive side of this expectation, because he never lost, since his martial arts skills were so much stronger than Shan Gudao’s. He was unintentionally primed to assume the outcome was a foregone conclusion, because he didn’t have any real challengers. This also hammered home the idea that he was right about things, that he should call the shots, and that collaboration wasn’t really relevant to his life, since it wasn’t as if his shifu taught Xiangyi and Shan Gudao how to fight side by side to defeat other opponents. Losing seemed like something that happened to other people (namely, Shan Gudao), and given the emphasis his shifu and shiniang placed on the competitions, I imagine winning time after time was more than just an adrenaline rush; it was positive reinforcement that he deserved the good things that had come his way, had repaid the debt he owed his shiniang and shifu, and would continue to earn love, respect, a family, a home, and a right to exist.

But when he lost? When he had never had a model for what losing safely feels like? (When the only times he lost were when he lost deliberately to try to cheer up Shan Gudao, but was berated for it, and told it was shameful and wrong to throw a fight for any reason, so losing becomes even more associated with shame?) When losing wasn’t a way to learn, but a sign that he might lose his love, his family, his home? What happens when the scaffolding upholding his right to exist—his ability to win—comes crashing down?

Suicidal ideation. Because he lost not only the battle with Di Feisheng, but also his shixiong, his shixiong’s body, his fiancee, the lives of his men, his reputation, his new home (the Sigu sect), and being able-bodied. In short, he lost everything part of him always feared he’d lose and then some. So why would he think he still has a right to exist, after that? How could he believe someone telling him it wasn’t his fault, when all he has ever known is that the responsibility for everyone he cares for lies with him? 

(I feel like it’s really telling that he didn’t go back to his shiniang’s or shifu’s home after everything went to hell; he said it was because he had been unfilial and couldn’t bear to go back after his shifu died, but it also seems like, given that he had lost everything else, he felt like he didn’t deserve the comfort, family, and home it represented, so staying away is his punishment.)

Given all this, it makes total sense that Li Lianhua wants so desperately to think of Li Xiangyi as dead: he can’t actually reconcile being alive and having failed. So he tries to create a new persona that doesn’t want to be the best in the jianghu or thrive on praise and responsibility, while he tries to correct what he thinks of as his mistakes, before he dies of Bicha poisoning. 

He tries to live the life his shifu wanted for him, where he enjoys pleasures like wine, food, relaxation, and growing things instead of focusing on making a name for himself or winning, and he tries to stay away from people, attachments, and love, because you can’t lose them again if you don’t have them to begin with.

But of course, saying someone is a different person doesn’t make it so. He still wants to be the best–the best physician, the best at scheming, the best at detective work–because he still doesn’t actually know how to be any other way. So he still has the same problems as Li Xiangyi: he still withholds information and commands more than collaborates (it’s frankly amazing he works as well with Fang Duobing and Di Feisheng as he does), still has an overdeveloped sense of responsibility (he believes he has to be the one to save those he cares about and stop everyone else, whether Shan Gudao or the emperor), and at the end, is still suicidal (because now he thinks he’s responsible for the death of his shifu, for not seeing Shan Gudao’s plot, and probably in some warped way for the Nanyin situation once he learns the truth of his heritage, because the man has never met a situation he can’t take the blame for). 

It doesn’t surprise me at all that Li Lianhua doesn’t fully get how much he means to Di Feisheng and Fang Duobing at the end, or that he thinks they just want their version of Li Xiangyi: he can’t imagine being loved and still having made a mistake.