#She already experiences existential dread and I wanted to make it worse <3

[ghoulinfuschia]

Better stitch that up before the spiders get out

[enduringsea]

( rules: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the kind of music they listen to! put your music on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then tag 10 people! no skipping! ) / tagged by @yellowcrumpet​ ╭( ･ㅂ･)و )))

Thanks for the tag! I LOVE these things-- I don’t rlly have a playlist either though, just a mess of music files on a device I haven’t updated so I’ll be checking my YouTube history too lol. There’s a uhhh.... pattern to be found, mainly relating to Code Vein or other OCs.... which isn’t surprising ._. ;; I made it a separate post bc I knew this was going to get long and rambly with lyric snippets and crying about fictional characters, sorry :D

1. Repeat Until Death - Novo Amor don’t go / you’re half of me now / but i’m hardly stood proud / i said it, almost oh i’ve been low / but damn it i bet it don’t show / it was heaven a moment ago oh i can’t seem to let myself leave you / but i can’t breathe anymore This one gives me Loubeth vibes ok, partially bad end route ;-; While Elizabeth is a very strong person, her friends are the most prominent reason she tries to do anything at all & isn’t living day-to-day in a monotonous grind to survive without a solid purpose other than ‘help random ppl bc it’s the right thing to do’. If she loses them, it’d ruin her & hammers into her head how everything she’s ever done has been a failure. She suffered a major betrayal by her boss before the Collapse, she was unable to fully participate in proj. queen despite her incredible test results, she failed to defeat Cruz and take her blood during Operation Queenslayer, and if she fails to protect the people she’s finally found meaning with? She’d break down completely & destroy herself to save them. She’s always had some level of abandonment issues, and without her family around it’s so much worse, even if it isn’t the most obvious because she’s generally seen as very well put together-- I really can’t express how much it would hurt her to lose Louis, Yakumo, and the others. She’s just not one to show just how bad it can truly get for her mentally and emotionally-- she’s resilient as hell, she’s been through hell repeatedly and survived it all, so it’s easy for others to assume she’s fine all things considered. It makes her feel weak and ashamed of herself if she shows any level of vulnerability, so she doesn’t; she swallows it down and is afraid of disappointing those who look up to her as a fighter and friend-- of course, no one at Home Base would blame her for being vulnerable, they all have their moments, Bethy just sets herself to such a high standard it’s difficult for her to talk about her own suffering in spite of how well-versed she is in getting her thoughts and feelings across otherwise. Louis is the one most keen to how deeply she’s hurting, but he doesn’t understand just how deeply until she finally does fall apart. The final swell of the song and its desperate lyrics really relays the pain they both feel-- Louis too would not fare well if something happened to Elizabeth, because he blames himself she was even involved in Operation Queenslayer for a long time, I honestly did so bad in explaining coherently, this song just has so much emotion and hurt behind it adklfjdfdff </3

2. Looking Out For You - Joy Again this is a love song for a girl who will never know it’s about her she's beaming that smile / all the while i’m all tripped up on my own throat i guess there is no hope This song reminds me of Elizabeth & my friend’s character Takashi Fujioka, who gets-- vERY...FRIENDZONED, for lack of a better word, by Elizabeth in his story, it’s really summed up best as tragic (;﹏;) Before the Collapse they were hitting it off, then the Collapse happened, they were separated, he lost his sisters, Mido happened, he was experimented on + became a revenant, etc, etc; years have passed since then & she’s gotten her life together as much as one can in a world like Vein, but for Takashi it’s like no time has passed at all. Elizabeth is subtly older in appearance, she’s been working w Lou & Co. for a long time; Loubeth blatantly have a connection, & rather than bringing up his feelings + making it awkward bc he values their friendships, he just kinda. chokes on them & does his best to help out the team. It doesn’t help he can’t even be jealous bc Louis is a really solid friend to him too, IT’S JUST A MESS OF A SITUATION & the death of what could have been if things were different.

3. Closer - Teagan And Sara ( no lengthy explanation for this one thank goodness, I’ve just been watching BoJack Horseman again and I really like some of the songs they add in, I like listening to this one on loop when mindlessly coloring something )

4. Brutal - Olivia Rodrigo  all I did was try my best / this the kind of thanks I get? they say these are the golden years / but I wish I could disappear ego crush is so severe / god, it's brutal out here I have it on a playlist for Elizabeth somewhere, not all of it applies to her but it reflects some of her struggles she has both before & after the collapse. She’s-- always kind of been a mess while under immense pressure + has serious self image issues, this song hits that side of her well. She’s been held to humanly impossible standards by both herself and her family bc frankly? She can reach them, she’s NOT exactly human. She was born into her position as a hunter & intends to keep it for as long as she lives (like revenants, her kind is very much ‘either gets killed or lives 5ever), even if some days she really feels how heavy the burden can be. She didn’t have a normal childhood and she’s fine with it for the most part, but it alienates her from most of her peers-- she never got to date anyone, never had a close group of friends, never went to parties that weren’t formals, etc., while she feels a little childish about it, she does envy ‘normal’ and understands the pressure she’s lived under her entire life has caused damage-- she has been exploited for her abilities, there’s just not much she can do about it but to keep going, rlly.

5. Freaks - Surf Curse  don't kill me / just help me run away from everyone  i need a place to stay / where i can cover up my face don't cry / i am just a freak / i am just a freak UhhhHHH this song really makes me think of Oliver Collins :D;; thank TikTok for showing it to me. It makes me think of how scared he was, of both the world and the revenants who captured him. The song’s use of the word ‘parasites’ really makes me think of Revenants and the BOR parasites XD I’m hoping when I poke my video editor again, I can record some Oliver footage to make a short video to this song. Oliver deserves so much better, I wish you could save him, but that’s what AUs are for, hahah.... The second half of the lyrics make me think of the AU I have where he lives and has to grapple with the guilt of surviving and the things he did to other revenants to get by too.

6. All Eyes On Me - Bo Burnham you say the ocean’s rising / like i give a shit you say the whole world’s ending / honey it already did you’re not gonna slow it / heaven knows you tried got it? good / now get inside I haven’t seen the Netflix special yet but I’ve had this song on repeat since my move started. The lyrics hit too hard & resonate with my existential dread, covid exhaustion, and extreme burnout in my 20s, but bc I have Damage I can also relate it to CV ._. ‘you’re not gonna slow it, heaven knows you tried. got it? good now get inside’ makes me think of--;; the bad end route again, and Elizabeth’s desperation to keep her found family together. It’s not like her to completely stop caring about an issue, but in the moment she realizes what’s being taken from her? She doesn’t want to save all of revenant-kind if it means she’s going to wind up alone all over again, her world is effectively over if she’s forced to be alone again. The MC frenzying means the only immediately identifiable hope she had of saving everyone else is gone, so why not just go home? If they’re all doomed, she wants to at least be together for a little while longer, it’s fine if they use her blood to survive & everyone else in the mist is out of luck, it’s soul-crushing bc I’ve never had her in a situation where she’s been this reckless, despondent/hopeless, and thinking irrationally where it’d impact more than herself-- especially when she’s normally goal-oriented, organized, meticulous, so on so forth: she’s not one to act without thinking something through first, but that last breath of light just got sucker-punched out of her. All she wants is home, comfort, and family, and ultimately in the bad end route she does manage to preserve their lives, maintain the mist, and supply blood beads, but her own condition leaves her on the throne-- it’s a mix of the bad, neutral, and true ending rlly ldkfjdf BUT YEAH enough rambling on that :D;; This song’s really good and touches a lot of different thoughts and ideas both in real life and my ocs, kind of embarrassing--;; thank u bo burnham for ruining me with this beautiful song

7. Yellow - Coldplay look at the stars / look how they shine for you / and everything you do your skin / oh yeah, your skin and bones / turn in to something beautiful do you know / for you I'd bleed myself dry Does this song make me think about JackEva? Yes. Yes it does. Star / night sky symbolism? Bam. Sappy lyrics about love and finding the person you’re with absolutely mesmerizing and worth dying for? BAM. If JackEva were capable of using their own blood to save each other, I can see it-- hJNGn they just care about each other so much, Jack cries for her even though they both knew that eventually one of them would succumb to their duty, and if the roles were reversed I can see Eva doing the same, I adore them beyond human language. On my CV RP blog, my Jack’s not shippable bc-- Eva, my friend even have them looking after his nephew (an oc--) at one point. I should seriously drop some headcanons down eventually....

8. Louder Than Thunder - The Devil Wears Prada  are we meant to be empty-handed? / i know i could, i could be better i don't think i deserve it / selflessness, find your way into my heart all stars could be brighter / all hearts could be warmer 

LMFAO throwback to my middle school playlist, I’m old-- I’ve applied this song to a lot of things back in the day, but I really connect it to Loubeth now, especially Louis. Lou & Bethy are both functional idiots who are too hard on themselves & have trouble recognizing their worth beyond what they can do for others. They’re trying to be better-- to make up for what they perceived wrongs they’ve done, but it’s hard, they don’t believe they’re worthy of the love and support the other gives, but they still yearn for that sense of security. After Louis’ memories are returned, he finally understands the guilt he’s felt since he became a revenant and it really skews his self-perception; he blames himself for so many things & Elizabeth, who has always been able to kill when necessary, sets it straight-- “It’s not your fault”, and it takes Louis some time to properly absorb that message. He thinks she’s just trying to comfort him, which she is tbh, but she’s not wrong: “It’s not your fault you couldn’t kill someone. It was never your job to kill anyone.” It’s up to people like her to do those sort of things-- Elizabeth may not have been present when Cruz frenzied, but if she had been? It would have been over before it started, that’s something she has regrets over, even if nothing could have been done since she was already on the field. Actually, she’s actually really quite angry that security failed to monitor Cruz properly and has a few select words for the ones there who could have actually done something before it got out of hand-- civilians and doctors are exempt from her shtlist bc they’re not meant to be killers (so don’t worry Artorias, she’s not ready to bite your head off!), but they had to have some kinda security detail rite o-q??? They’re probably hiding from her wrath-- BUT ANYWAY, she insists she’ll never blame Louis for not being able to do something as serious as killing another person. He was a normal human being who cared about his friend, not a failure, and he couldn’t have been expected to do something that shouldn’t have fallen on his shoulders in the first place. As many times as it takes, she’ll reaffirm that it wasn’t his fault, she’s not angry, he’s always done his best and her opinion of him hasn’t changed. He’s a good person and she loves him through all the hurt, though she doesn’t drop the word ‘love’ for a long time. It just-- takes Louis a while to accept she views him as someone worthy of the love and respect she has for him. It’s kind of ironic she’s so adamant on Louis not blaming himself considering she’s the one privately blaming herself for-- wow there’s too much to unpack, she feels guilty she was even born?? im so broken over these two. I love them and yet they SUFFER... 

9. What I’ve Done - Linkin Park i'll face myself / to cross out what i’ve become erase myself / and let go of what i’ve done today this ends / i'm forgiving what i’ve done

I have Louis Amamiya brainrot and I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks that this song fits him super well & it needs to become an AMV dsjfkldsfd. I’m a near life-long Linkin Park fan and this fits with Lou so well thematically. As much as I’ve gone on about Louis’ guilt, he does steel himself to keep going forward in spite of it and make things right, for everyone. Maybe it wasn’t really his fault, but at the end of the day his inability to kill Cruz in that moment left a disaster in its wake that got a countless number of people killed-- the MC included with Karen and Aurora. He doesn’t want to run away from the truth, doesn’t want to make excuses, he wants to take responsibility for it and he’ll work himself to death if it means things will be better-- it’s both admirable he’s got a strong resolve and VERY concerning with how willing he is to die for the cause, please don’t overdo it, Lou, you’ll break mine and Bethy’s hearts ._.;; It won’t always be easy, there are moments the grief gnaws at him, but in the end he does overcome it (and uh. as in the bad ending, we know he can actually do it this time). I know we can’t see everything, but I would have loved deeper character interactions, especially with Louis with an emphasis on grieving + forgiving himself properly-- but this song really is nice with the whole ‘I’m going to face my mistakes head on, forgive myself, and keep moving forward’. It’s what Louis deserves: self forgiveness and a damn break ‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

10. Call of Silence - Hiroyuki Sawano you will know you're reborn tonight / must be rough but i’ll stay by your side even if my body's bleached to the bones / i don't want go through that ever again so cry no more / oh my beloved ngl idk if those are the correct lyrics, buuuuuuut....... im a weenie and am internally weeping abt loubeth after midnight, what else is new lmfao- i’ll at least try to be brief :D I also used to really like Attack on Titan when I was in high school, I dropped the anime years ago because I was waiting for s2 and never got back to it once it started airing again, I thought I’d finish it once the anime was complete since I eventually caught up with the manga, such a good series BUT ANYWAY-- I think it’s a really pretty song and Loubeth fit with the tender lyrics. IT’S LATE, idk what to say about them other than what I’ve said already dsklfjdslf im sorry I really ramble a LOT and I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t had the chance to >w>;;

[thatonegirlcalledtoxic]

This is my suicide story.

I was taken in by the officers called to check on me. They came, called by my concerned best friend who didn’t want to lose me. They asked repetitive questions that increased my anxiety. A ciclical array of query’s all in an attempt to coax me into saying outloud I was suicidal. Little did I know that once I’d said it outloud, I had just relinquished all personal freedom.

I was taken to my local hospital in the back of an ambulance where an EMT assistant, in an attempt to make conversation and fill the sound of my muffled sobs, started listing all the (material) reasons to live. As she ran on her fatuous listings very quickly mutated from all the reasons you should live to her explanation of how her job made her feel better about herself and that’s why she’s alive. After a vapid ride I’d later have to spend $800 on, I was sat in a busy ER while nurses threw looks of distain on my sob swollen face. Sat in the hall of the ER I waited for my badge weilding handlers to pass over my paperwork and tried not to continue sobbing. I thought about how crazy I must look. I thought about how insane I felt, With every fiber, I felt crazy. How every face that walked by was laden with pity or distain. I thought about my father in the waiting room and the guilt that splayed my heart strings like a harpsichord and plucked each like a masterful bard.

As if turning a coin between ones fingers, I rolled a train of thought through my mind. I thought about what one of the officers had told me as he walked me handcuffed to an ambulance. He talked about his brother, how he’d committed suicide and how he never wanted any one else to feel that pain. He continued on about how much his brother was loved and I absorbed his words. I know guilt wasn’t his intention, his words were meant to affirm my worth, but I weighed his words as I sat in this 1990s hospital chair, I couldn’t help but feel like a prisoner weighing their shackles. It’d been ten minutes. I thought about my situation from both sides, from his side I seemed selfish and confused. Turning up the good and happy things in my life, in choice of self pity. Refusing to recognize that there were people in my life who cared. To him, I was seeking attention. I flipped the coin. To me, he was ignorant. Thinking any of my actions were made without the full consideration of the people in my life. That’s why I’m here. I tiptoe. I appease. I always have. I make sure everyone else is happy. Maybe that’s why people like me seem so selfish, because others have become accustomed to our accommodation. I live with a mind that doesn’t stop and considers all. I know exactly what I’m doing with every step I take. I’ve already contemplated the consequences. I’m not seeking attention, I seeking some sort of confirmation that I’m normal. And even if I’m not, that it’s still okay.

I turned the coin over in my mind. Both sides made sense. Both sides seemed right, just one stung a little more. I looked at the ER exit. I could walk out. In hindsight, maybe I should’ve walked out. It’d been thirty minutes. After some prodding by the officers to get a nurse to check me in, they finally gave me an arm band and put me in a room. The lady who checked me in rolled through the conversation like a checklist, take off my clothes and jewelry, yes it had to come with her, no I couldn’t keep my phone, yes even my underwear, yes she had to check my personal ‘areas’ in case I had drugs on me, yes I had to pee into the cup, yes I had to get blood work, yes I had to stay over night, no I wasn’t allowed my rosary.

It felt so casual to her. I finally asked when my father could come in and see me, I told her I was afraid and I wanted him by my side. She said she’d send him back ASAP and that if I needed anything else just ask. I asked for a cup of water, she smiled and said not a problem. An hour went by.

I got out of bed and started pacing, I couldn’t physically keep laying in a hospital bed where my shivers of fear were so violent the vibrations of my rib cage shook the bed. I paced. Wondering where my father was. Had he not come? Did he not care? How insane did I look? Why was everyone treating me like a hollow egg? Why couldn’t I have Advil for my migraine? Where was the nurse with the water? Never once had it registered to use the call button. Instead, a nurse noticed my pacing and came to check on me. But “checking on me” is a gentle way to say, she told me to stop pacing before they restrained me to the bed. I stopped. And began to cry as I asked her to please get my father, that he would be in the waiting room. She said she would and turned, leaving the curtain open to the hall, where a very drunk and injured man looked at me like a museum exhibit or a circus show. I was on display. I shut the curtain and laid down. My shaking only got worse. She checked on me several more times. Never once did my father come back, nor did she ever come with a cup of water. Another hour went by.

I rang the call button, hoping for the cup of water I’d oh so gently and politely asked for. By this point, I’d come to the conclusion that my father had not come at all and that my anxiety was right. I really wasn’t loved. My depression worsened to the point I began to search the room for anyway to kill myself. They didn’t have a heart monitor on me. They wouldn’t realize. I spent another hour searching.

The doctor strode in asking why I was there. As I explained why, his face twisted, mouth pursing, as he listened to a healthy 23 year old explain why she wanted so desperately to die. The hardships, the harassment, the rapes, and the stress, I unraveled my life in front of this 50 year old man. To have him look at me, and tell me that life gets better eventually, and that doing this was selfish. My heart hardened. He didn’t care. I was just a part of his job, I quieted and let him check on my vitals. He remarked about how quick my heart beat was and how unhealthy that was. I laughed. As he finished up and left the room, he asked if I wanted anything else. I looked him in the eye and said I’d been without water for three hours and my father was supposed to be waiting for me in the waiting room but he’d not come back. That I would cause a scene if I did not find out if he was there or not, and that I would make every nurses life and ever living hell on a very busy night. I just wanted to know if he was there. The doctors eyes widened when he realized I was dead serious. Five minutes later my father came back with my younger brother. They both held me as I cried. It was the most relief I’d felt all night. Five minutes after that my water came. I’d later pay $300 for that interaction with the doctor. It would later become the only worthwhile thing I was billed for.

I told my father what had happened, and silently we agreed to get out that night, by any means. My brother still sobbing, told me how scared he was sitting in the waiting room, how neither one were sure if I was dead or alive or somewhere in between. I hugged him tightly and told him I was alright now that they were there, and that was the truth. In comparison to how I felt at the beginning of the night, I was on cloud nine! They’d broken me in to the point of compliance, but I refused to stay overnight and my father and brother agreed. Our goal now was to leave together, no matter what. With my father by my side, a seemingly stable person, he flagged a nurse and asked for the dr and another cup of water. The water came quicker this time, and soon after came the doctor, my father asked what the options were and I stayed quiet. We silently worked together. The doctor told us that someone would be in to do a mental evaluation and that depending on that we’d be allowed to leave together, he left shorty after. Me and my dad came to a silent agreement, we’d lie. Another hour went by.

Finally a very disheveled man in slacks carrying a hospital laptop stumbled into my room. He introduced himself to me and started on a seemingly endless list of asinine questions pertaining to my life. As he continued his interrogation, I realized half of my problem were finances. I was underpaid and overworked, straight out of college with nothing but 3 full years experience in my field and a degree in biology. Making 29k a year. He kept going, asking whether I had a support system, asking questions about hobbies and likes. Unbeknownst to me, he was creating what they call an “emergency plan” so when I found myself in these stressful circumstances again, I’d be able to look at a list of things that included, cats, warm cups of tea, and playing sims 4, to find MEANING AND PURPOSE in these small material objects and actions. So that, next time I found myself encompassed by existential dread and nihilism brought on my the inability to support myself with a degree, I could remind myself, “WAIT! These trivial things you find nice when happy exist! Don’t you want to remind yourself that your depression keeps you from partaking in anything you enjoy!?!” For the record. You never look at your emergency plan the second time around. You don’t remember it exists until you’re cleaning out your files.

As he went on with his question, me and my father were poised and prepared. No there were no guns available to me (there were). Yes I would be going home with my father where I would be watched for at least 3 days (I went to my apt where my little brother and I cried and watched movies). All of these queries effortlessly answered and accounted for. He told me my antidepressants were probably too high a dose and that I should stop taking them. He tried setting up appointments for therapy, but those never materialized as I realized most therapy centers were open on normal business days, when the average person works. No appointment ever materialized and instead he handed me a card for a care center and he wished me the best. Soon a nurse would arrive with my clothing and jewelry. I redressed and we walked out together. A week later I’d go through something called ‘antidepressant withdrawal syndrome’, not realizing that, similar to heroin or meth, I was using an artificial serotonin to replace something I didn’t naturally produce. And so I went through drug withdrawal for about a week. I felt like I had the flu, I would throw up but my stomach still hurt. I was shaking and sobbing. I had a headache that lasted 3 days straight. I couldn’t sleep, during that time, and even began to hallucinate. I never told anyone about that, I was too afraid to go back and be treated like I was insane.

I went back two months later for a second suicide attempt that landed me in a psych ward this time. Sadly not much was different this time. Except that the nurses that tried harder to make you not feel like a prisoner. But nothing was different. I discovered direct behavioral therapy and applied it to my life but I only got a book to walk through tough times with. It’s helpful, but only as long as you remember to use it.

I wish I had a nice ending for this.. I almost want to make one up, to say that I never thought about ending my life again! That after I went to the hospital my life dramatically changed for the better and I became a neurotypical member of society. But I’d be lying. Mental healthcare hasn’t improved, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest only showed the rampant medical abuse in mental healthcare, but fundamentally what did it change? When we have people in positions of care and power who believe themselves fundamentally better than others because of biology, we will never improve. People have a right to be sad and suicidal without being treated like they’re insane for doing so. The system is set up to break people and keep them in their place, never asking for better, and never allowing them to willingly die. I don’t have a solution to this problem, I just think more people need to know how their depressed brothers and sisters are treated by others. We’re not selfish. We are people. And we want to live. Not as cogs in a machine but as people. I’m just tired. I’m tired of police performing mental health check ups. I’m tired of doctors acting like you can’t make decisions for yourself because you’re stressed. My heart hurts and races thinking about how many people were where I was but who didn’t have someone “sane” to help them get out. How many tried once and gave up and resigned to suicide being the only real option, except now they know to keep quiet about it. Our mental healthcare system isn’t a solution. It’s a very real problem. That we need to change.

[sambinnie]

Over the summer, my quite-old-but-not-that-old phone ate all my text messages and became almost thrillingly unreliable. Ever since then, I pick it up not with the usual subconscious rat-excitement, but with something like dread — it’s so clearly an addiction to something which, beyond podcasts and the camera, offers me far more hassle than pleasure or use, as is the way with anything one becomes addicted to. (Oh, and maps, occasionally.)

I absolutely loathe it, and once I’ve submitted this current big project, my next fairly dull task will be to try and wean myself off it almost entirely. Keep it in the office, plug the landline in somewhere more accessible and use that more, not have to check before I leave one room and walk into another than my phone is in my hand. God, it’s horrible. (Yes, also, music on the phone, also good. Christ.)

I realised the other night that my own anxiety and weariness comes from a sense that absolutely every choice I make these days feels like a battle for my soul. (Ugh, and the period-tracking app is useful. UGH.) It doesn’t feel like merely existing, it feels like living, heavy with some kind of extra-gravitational moral weight: did I turn off the lights/should I turn on the heating/is this food environmentally damaging/can I recycle this/are the children growing up to be vocal about the right things/but not so vocal that they increase division in society/it feels right to keep them off the internet/but will they be prepared when they are free-range on there/it’s great they’re all keen readers/but modern popular children’s books are almost universally awful. This isn’t parenting, or being an adult. This is living in an era where we are facing mass extinction either through climate change or mass conflict, fuelled and fired by those agencies which benefit from conflict and fear: arms manufacturers, politicians, media companies, product-makers, internet figures fashioning themselves into products.

If you are the product, what does that do to your soul? If your daily life, your family, children, friends and colleagues are the backdrop and the context for your self, sold and packaged to consumers or employers, do you gain more than you lose? If your most passionate conversations and throwaway jokes are all equally public, equally up for scrutiny, how does that ensure a fair life for you? If everything you ever say can come back and bite you — my primary reason to wish all children and teens weren’t ever allowed to say or write or do anything on a screen — how does that shape your life?

If you are a female MP, trying hard to improve lives around you, do you deserve to get hundreds upon hundreds of messages describing brutal sexual assault and violence against you and your family? You’re a public figure! That’s the price! If you’re a beauty journalist, having months of harassment and bullying by vicious internet trolls, how do you find the strength to speak up in a moving instagram video?

But. What if the source of that latter bullying seems to be — unless the source mentioned was not correct, unless something else is going on, which is of course more than possible, because nothing can be trusted on the internet — fairly calm critiques of your working practices both on- and offline? What if the trolls who have attacked your children in fact only mentioned them once, in the context of you promising never to use them in your social media? What if those board users were asking questions about your transparency and correct use of Ad and Gifted tags, and only when you set the internet against them does that board start screen-grabbing your own systematic and extremely public bullying (sometimes over long, long months) of other women in the media, attacking their looks, abilities, work and parenting? What if all your friends suddenly start deleting their old tweets (as you have already done) because your accusations have shone a bright light on a forum that at worst, matches tonally exactly the conversations you and media friends have on twitter, and at best are supportive spaces discussing dementia, cancer, cleansing routines, and their own experiences of bullying and unpleasantness at the hands of blue-tickers?

How does that make those female MPs feel? How does that make the women and men, boys and girls who have been harassed, doxxed, bullied and intimidated feel? I wonder what that does to your soul, when every mistake is so public? 

Running to the river now is in the dark; even when we climb out we do so by torch light. I hope you can all find something like this for yourselves, something calm and quiet and personal and fulfilling.

I come home and peel off my cold wet clothes, and look forward to more moments without my phone. 

1. I really, really loved this essay on introducing hope back into a nihilist world. It captures my own struggles with the messiness of everything – if this, then that, so which is worse? – and how everyone seems to be struggling with genuine, literal existential crises. But hope! And weight-lifting! I’ve been doing weights since the start of the summer and every time I lift it’s like a fucking joy injection. If you can start lifting heavy stuff, I massively recommend it. 

2. I want to post a link to the Pop Culture Happy Hour review of Todd Phillips’ Joker film, but I also want to be a better person than that, so I won’t. But Ready or Not is great fun, so maybe watch that instead! 

3. Here are some excellent children’s books series, if you want them: The Dark is Rising series, His Dark Materials, The Murder Most Unladylike books, The Sinclair’s Mysteries, the Tiffany Aching books... is that it? Always looking for more suggestions if you have them, please. 

4. Next time I get an invoice paid I am 400% getting this for the pup. The cold is mean to these feeble, speedy hounds. She is extreme excite. 

[pisati]

I keep getting that feeling I always get when I feel like I need to write something, but it’s all played out. I’ve gone over all of it. old feelings I don’t care to rehash because they’re gone, all the bullshit with my mom, feeling like I want to leave, waiting til something happens. 

something feels blank. blanker than usual. I didn’t start the 150 XR wellbutrin until last tuesday, but I’ve been feeling pretty bad all month so far. the first week of the month was PMS week, and usually I give myself a little space because I know it’s always at least one of the moods or the cramps or the nausea that week. but it never picked back up. I did have a rough go of it last week and I feel like I’m still recovering. any little thing is enough to put me in a mood. my mood tracker has shown pretty consistently low marks the last 3 weeks and I don’t know what that’s about. I can’t correlate it to anything in particular.

the root of it comes down to fear. not an anxiety fear; a dread fear. I’m scared things won’t work out, but I’m not anxious, if that makes sense. I know something will work out one way or another, but beyond that I’m scared of never being where I want to be. never being able to do something I enjoy, never being able to earn enough, never being able to even physically feel better. I have to hope that something will improve; I don’t want to look at things as so black and white. but the concept of “never” is still a very real possibility and I can’t ignore it. I’d take even marginally better, but it’s still kind of depressing to think that I might not ever be back to the way I used to be before I “got sick”. or whatever the fuck happened to me. I don’t remember being healthy and it breaks my heart to think that I may never be able to feel it again. 

I went on a walk the other day and I came back in much more pain than when I left. I had a rough night as far as my jaw, and I took 400mg ibuprofen to stave off the headache I woke up with. I came back home after 2.5 miles to my entire face hurting. pounding headache, my nose burning and everything around it hurt. I smelled blood. I even felt a little drippy so I blew my nose (once I could pull myself off the floor), but there was no blood. I’ve never gotten a nosebleed. maybe I was mistaking the rats’ cage smell for something metallic.

I didn’t even have the energy to be upset that I came home from yet another walk and all I could do was curl up on my floor with my eyes closed. once I could open them I went to open twitter on my phone and hit a random app, only realizing it wasn’t twitter a second or two after it opened. I opened my closet and then tried to throw my tissue in the laundry hamper, because for some reason my brain confused my desire to put my clothes in the hamper with the tissue I was holding. only realized my mistake once the tissue was in midair. once I pulled myself off the floor I took another 400mg of ibuprofen, changed, and got back into bed. I hate crashing like that. I didn’t think my cognitive function got noticeably worse after exertion but apparently it does. thankfully it doesn’t last for long, but... this has never happened before. maybe in a year or two it’ll take me even longer to recover. god only knows.

that’s scary. I’m already waking up almost every day with a headache. I can’t control how much sleep I get, even when I take something for it. and nothing works for more than a few days at a time. my jaw’s been hurting for just about a year now, and that causes all kinds of head pain. when everything in my head hurts for no reason and ibuprofen doesn’t make it all go away... that alone is enough to make me hate existing.

I feel like I shouldn’t ask myself “what if I get worse?” and just focus on my day-to-day. but the fact is, it’s already gotten worse. I’m doing the best I can, though sometimes it doesn’t feel like the best I can do. I suppose instead I could ask myself “what if I plateau?” what if it stops getting worse? that’s at least semi-hopeful. but what if I never get better? I can’t just ignore that possibility. the thought that I may never be able to support myself in the kind of society we’ve created is so fucking depressing. I’m still remembering that time either last year or in 2017 when it hit me very suddenly that I also may never have someone with me and I may need to be okay alone. I don’t have a plan for the possibility that I get worse.

I used to hope one day I’d get married. I guess I still have that hope, but it’s a much more nebulous concept at this point. it almost doesn’t seem like a realistic thing for me to set as a goal. I will say it’s probably spared me a lot of anguish to essentially have written it off. if it does happen it’ll just be one of those nice things, I guess. I remember being in middle and high school, being so incredibly jealous of my best friend for always being in a relationship, all my friends who would talk to their crushes and get close enough to date them. I’d had some moments, but they never went anywhere. I’m sure I spent all those years pining over some dumb boy or another. one to the next. I remember how devastated I was when I thought this one kid in my math class might have liked me back and he asked another girl to junior prom. I didn’t even go that year. charlotte had her boyfriend, everyone else was asking everyone else. I went to senior prom just because I felt like I should at least go to one high school prom in my life, but nobody asked me. it felt like a waste of time and money anyway. I still have my dress, I don’t know what to do with it.

just... all that pain I was in. and I don’t feel any of it anymore. I’m not all that jealous of anyone. maybe it’s because I’ve since learned that being in a relationship doesn’t entail being in a good relationship. I’ve learned over and over again. from friends, from my parents. it would be nice, in theory, I think. a good one. I like going to the store with someone and actually enjoying shopping (but when was the last time I did that?). I don’t think I’d like any of the sappy stuff (have I ever?) but the idea of someone who likes me enough to even try, that’s.. wow. I haven’t even entertained those thoughts in a long time. I guess I feel it’s almost pointless to. I hurt myself enough in the past over lacking it, why keep that up? maybe I had this ideal in my head, and now I’m not even sure it’s possible. I don’t know what a secure, loving relationship is like. it’s like when people tell me I don’t know what I’m missing when they try to get me to eat some food I’ve already refused. you’re right; I don’t know. and I will never have to know if I never try it. nothing for me to be all that upset about. 

but then I think about my future. what if I don’t have anyone, ever? the incident that sparked that existential spiral was so benign. I was sitting at a stoplight and watched a van turn out of the cross-street; a woman driving and an older woman in the passenger seat. I flashed forward to my future. couldn’t picture myself having anyone to drive me around when I got old. I don’t mind being alone now, but what happens if I get older and have nobody? I couldn’t even be like my dad; he at least had me and my brother as crutches. what if I get worse and I’m alone?

I know I see things differently than I used to. I feel differently. I know I’ve been feeling blank most recently; the lows still hit pretty hard but I just feel stuck in them. rather than needing to fight myself or find a way out of them. I let them run their course. I remember feeling less skeptical of people’s intentions with me. I guess it didn’t occur to me that other people could experience attraction to me but not to me. because that’s not how I am. I remember being amazed the first time a boy went down on me. wow, he must really like me if he’s willing to do that. amazing how I’ve managed to backtrack on that idea entirely. oh god, this again. I know that look. I feel every hesitation in movement, every second too long the eyes land on any part of me. please don’t put your hand there. please don’t want me. you don’t actually. you think you do for now but you don’t. you don’t mean anything you’re doing. you want what you want and once you’ve got it that’s it. it’s got nothing to do with me and in fact you wouldn’t even be thinking like that if you knew me and on and on. do I value myself that little? or do I trust other people’s intentions that little? do I have good reason to? 

that kind of thinking contributed to the blankness. I don’t feel at all the way I used to. I’m not sure I know how to. could be that I just haven’t had the opportunity to, but it’s hard to know. sometimes I ask myself if I see it as a loss of innocence; I’m sure that’s part of it. I at least understand now that not everyone likes people for who they are and are attracted to them in that way if they like them enough. I don’t know why that should prevent me from being able to feel how I did before. why it should make me so distrustful. so stressed at the prospect of someone being interested in me. I used to want that. very much. there’s a chance that one of these days it’ll happen and it’ll be good and healthy and not painful, and yet... I don’t seem to believe that it’s possible. I put a stop to just about everything before it even starts. I can’t even begin to reason out why, besides self-defense. self-preservation. but what’s left to preserve?

bad experiences in the past might be a reason, sure, but I’ve accepted at this point that I let myself get hurt. other people don’t see things the way I do. it is what it is. I’ve honestly forgotten a lot of it; how bad it hurt. I wrote post after post about it while I was in it; paragraph after paragraph and never resolving anything. it just hurt so bad. I can barely remember it but the fear is still there. kind of like with my mom. I forgot a lot of the shit she did to me in high school. I forgot that all of that was probably the reason I don’t feel comfortable telling her anything, even now. I forgot the reason, I kept the fear. 

sometimes I like writing with no objective. it’s nice to get some of the running narrative out of my head. sometimes I get close to whatever it is I feel like I need to write about, but sometimes it’s just a feeling that doesn’t quite go away. these are things I know I’ve thought about and haven’t ever really expressed; sometimes it’s just nice to find the right words. sometimes it’s the same things, and I feel like I need to get them out over and over. 

I really do need to focus on the few good things I have coming up. I’m seeing one of my favorite bands on sunday, and maybe if I stay late I’ll get to meet them. maybe. I’m not looking forward to all the grown-ass men who are likely going to make the audience annoying at best to be in, because that’s been the case both other times I’ve seen them, but if I can get to the venue early enough and get up front hopefully I’ll be alright. 

one of my best friends is coming down next week for a show; he said he can come down wednesday and maybe stay til friday, but I reminded him there’s a book store of sorts in baltimore that we really like and they’re apparently overflowing with books; he was already aware of this and the fact that they’re only open on weekends, so he said he’d check his calendar and see if he could stick around til saturday or sunday. that’ll hopefully be nice. just getting to spend time with a friend. I don’t really have anything in mind to do for all that time, though, besides the show. we’ve always managed to figure something out. I’m not really sure how I feel about it. spending time with him used to be a really nice thing for me but ever since the latter half of 2017 I’ve been even sort of nervous about it. it’s weird to be so distant from someone you’ve been so close to; this person’s seen me naked and yet I’m a little unsure of how to act with them. maybe because it was never clear-cut. because I got hurt and pulled back. because he told me he missed talking to me. I’m not sure how to be much of anything but blank around him at this point. we can still talk and joke like we always have. I just feel weird about all of it. I just need to focus on the fact that he’s a friend who’s coming to visit and it’ll be a nice few days. that’s it. digging up the past doesn’t serve much purpose at this point anyhow.

pride’s coming up; Aria and I are going to do the parade with the ace meetup she found again, and she wanted to do a craft day, so I’m going to have to decide on a shirt design I want. I like the shirt I made years ago and wore to pride last year, but I think it’s time for something else. I’m excited to plan outfits and all that with a fellow ace. I’m still amazed after all these years we still vibe so well and we both ended up ace, ha

farm jam’s coming up too, and I’m trying to plan a little better than I have in previous years. I need a new tent; I want one of my own that’s taller and at least a little bigger; I have a cot this year and I don’t think it would fit very well in the tent I have now. not to mention it’s a tent we’ve had for years, it’s not even mine, and I used it last year and it was really hard to deal with. the queen air mattress I’d been able to borrow filled the whole tent so it was near impossible to get in and out, plus it didn’t even fill all the way so I was really struggling to get up from it. it was almost impossible to change clothes. plus I had The Bucket, and there was almost no room to use it comfortably. also not ideal when you need a light in the tent, and then people can see all the shadows inside. it would be nice to get one of those darkening tents. but the ones I’ve found are all pretty low to the ground. maybe I’ll go to the sporting goods store one of these days, instead of searching the same few tents on amazon. I need to figure out my food situation too, but I think I know how I can be better prepared this year. meal prep is easy enough, and I can always pack snacks that can be taken home in case I don’t get around to eating them there. the challenge is going to be finding things that either don’t need to be cooked or don’t need much in the way of cooking. we have a fire pit every year but it’s very hard to cook over an open fire, contrary to what you’d think. it took me at least an hour last year to get water hot enough to cook the ramen I brought, and even then I don’t think it boiled. I know there’s things I can make that don’t need to be cooked, but I’ll definitely have to prep it all beforehand. we’ve had issues in the past where everyone in the group will pack enough for themselves and also for everyone else, thinking people will want to share. then we all have so much extra food we end up having to bring home. I did better last year, but still had extra. I need to think of other things to bring to the farm too, so I won’t be bored. I didn’t think I was all that bored last year, and I didn’t even use most of what I brought. maybe just a crochet thing or some other craft (maybe my stones for wrapping?), and my guitar. a book too; it was nice having The Book Thief last year. I think I brought it my first year too, and it was nice to have as company while my anxiety was doing what it does. I’m sure I could pack lighter this year, but I also don’t want to bring too little, you know? one thing I won’t skimp on is blankets. I brought as many as I could last year and I was still cold at night. it gets into the 50s at night. maybe I should see if I can find a little cordless space heater? or something that can keep my tent warm at night that won’t catch everything on fire, lol. [a quick google search told me that portable tent heaters do exist. that might have to go on my shopping list. I get entirely too cold at night and this year I won’t have a queen-sized mattress to hold all my blankets]

then of course scotland. I haven’t traveled internationally... well, I’d say in a few years, but I did just go to Cozumel last year. it didn’t quite feel like international travel, though. we went to a resort, with a bunch of other white people vacationing and the Mexican staff catering to us. the last genuine experience I had was Iceland. it doesn’t feel like it’s been 3.5 years, but it also does. I miss it a ton.  I don’t know how my anxiety’s going to do with this. I already know I’m going to struggle a little through farm jam. it’s happened every year. then I’m going to have to come home and, within a few days, get on a plane. two planes. alone, for the first time in my life. I know I’ll be nervous once I stop moving. I’m not sure why that is. I want to say it’s got something to do with unfamiliarity. once I stop moving I can become more aware of where I am and what’s around me. I don’t know where the issue comes from with unfamiliarity, but I’ve always had that. something like neophobia, but not quite. I don’t really feel afraid of new things, necessarily. just some deep-rooted discomfort with it. I feel like most people have some level of discomfort with things they’re unfamiliar with; that’s only natural. but not everyone gets anxiety attacks over it. could be partly because anxiety triggers nausea, and from there the emeto anxiety takes over. it’s hard to know. I’m just glad I have a pretty decent handle over it. I could be in much worse shape mentally, for sure. so many people I know have issues much more complex than mine and while mine aren’t exactly easy to deal with, I’ve been able to power through a lot of them without help. and I think doing that made me stronger in some ways too. I don’t want to know where I’d be if I had some kind of vice as a crutch.

I would say I forget where I was going with this, but it never had a direction to begin with. 

tomorrow I need to clean the rats’ cage, and I need to write a letter back to my friend in jail. I got his letter maybe a week ago and I need to just sit down and come up with something to write in response. 

seems like a lot of my time lately is spent waiting to get through the day. I’m nervous to come back from scotland. I’m nervous that I’ll have heard back from this job by then, and I’m nervous either way it goes. I’m of course nervous I won’t get it, but I’m also not ready to lose my down time if I do. I feel like these last 10 and a half months have breezed by. like they didn’t even happen. I still don’t feel rested enough. I’m already kind of dreading going, because I’m dreading coming back. I hate being so bothered by the fact that everything ends. 

I don’t really have much after that to look forward to. my birthday, maybe. I don’t have the energy to do anything for it this year. I don’t have anything I want to do. nobody I really care to spend it with. just a few years ago I was sad thinking my friends forgot and I tried to make plans to be around them for my birthday so it wouldn’t completely suck. I just don’t care anymore. sad to already be so disenchanted with the few little things in life people seem to care about. I would say, well, maybe I’ll have a job by then, but it’s a saturday this year. cool.

I’m not looking forward to winter. already. barely out of this last one and I’m already dreading the next. I really need to move somewhere where it’s warm year-round. everything about existing feels so much worse when it’s cloudy and grey and cold. 

it’ll be a year in september since my dad passed. a month and a day after my birthday. we told some of his friends that we wanted to do a celebration of life for him, but that still hasn’t happened. I’m not sure if it’s going to, and I’m not sure how that’ll look to friends and family. I almost don’t care at this point. I should have told people to mourn how they saw fit. I’m sure that’s what he would’ve wanted anyway. a celebration of life if nothing else, but dad wasn’t really one for parties either. I know he wanted some of his ashes scattered in Iceland. one of these days I’ll be able to do it. but I know he’d have been just fine with people remembering him in their own ways. I miss him a ton. I knew I would, of course, but it never really hit me how permanent it’d be once it happened. I really would never be able to talk to him again. as frustrating as it could be, I do miss his random calls and rambling to me for an hour. his text puns. how he’d sometimes bring me a bowl of ice cream at some point in the evening when we were watching something or I was on my computer. 

sometimes it hits me how different things are in my life already. I never saw them like this, and I can’t say I really like it. I’m 24 and I don’t have my dad anymore. I knew since I was 13 that one day this was going to happen. but still somehow it didn’t seem real. I still had my dad, after all. he was sick, but he was there. I don’t even have my sick dad anymore. I watched him dying. I felt his cold, stiff hands. I didn’t get to say goodbye. sometimes I still look at the box of ashes at the foot of my bed and it hits me like a truck again. 

I’m honestly a little scared that no matter how good things get for me, it’ll never be good enough. I don’t know what to do about that feeling. I do feel like I appreciate where I am and what I have and how lucky I’ve been, but maybe I need to work harder at that. 

I’m tired of this feeling. I don’t know what it is. besides blank, it’s just... unpleasant. it’s not even melancholy. something does feel bad, but it’s not quite sad either. maybe it’s just all these little worries eating at me. I’m sure I’d feel a lot lighter not having to worry. but wouldn’t everyone?

I’m tired of thinking. I spent all day wanting to get up and do something and I didn’t. I wanted to work on my crochet bag, and I didn’t. I wanted to work on that letter, and I didn’t. I took a nap, I watched a lot of hulu, I did some crosswords, I ate a few things, I stayed in bed. I just don’t feel up to much. I don’t like much of anything about the person I’ve been lately, but I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t induce energy. sometimes a shower and picking up my room do make me feel a good bit better, but man. I don’t feel up to showering every day while I don’t have to, but I feel so gross if I don’t. my hair’s been a pretty big source of distress for me lately. there’s nothing I can do about it and that makes me feel even worse. it’s so thin and it looks worse when it gets greasy, which it does very quickly because of 1. how thin and fine it is, and 2. how naturally oily my fucking skin is. sometimes I wish I could lose a bunch of weight so I wouldn’t look so big with such thin hair. maybe with a skinnier frame it wouldn’t look so bad. I don’t know.

I guess I should61ry to sleep. I’m afraid it’ll be just another one of those nights. the last few I’ve only managed to keep myself out for 4 hours max at a time. could just be one of those phases I’m in. yesterday I was so fucking tired. going for 15-16 hours on 5-ish total hours of sleep, and I was out quicker than usual just before midnight. still felt half-awake by the time my phone dinged at 4:30 ish. I’m pretty sure I woke up at 2-something having to pee. hard to remember. 

I’m just kind of tired of existing right now. I can’t say everything sucks, but I feel just so beat up. I don’t think I have a purpose here, but it’s hard to even find anything that makes me feel like my existing is worth it at all. I don’t know.  

[surveysonfleek]

564.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 34

3201. What if this is as good as it gets? i don’t believe that. 3202. Have you ever dated someone mostly or completely because of their looks? nope. 3203. What does the word 'of' mean? originating from. that’s the simplest way  can describe it i guess. 3204. What should you never forget? all the great memories and experiences i’ve had throughout my life. 3205. How many of the 7 Dwarves can you name for us? all of them. happy, doc, bashful, grumpy, sneezy, dopey... omg maybe i can’t lol. i had to google it, i missed sleepy :(

3206. What animal does your mom resemble? haha none tbh. 3207. Have you ever had a palm reading? no i haven’t.  3208. What's a crazy thing you did that you got in trouble for as a kid? jumping on furniture at a furniture store. i didn’t think it was that bad lmao, i got told off and my mum was so confused. 3209. What do you battle against? nothing? 3210. Do piercings really make the pierced area dramatically more sensitive? once it’s healed, no. 3211. If you had put aside some money for a trip and the travel agent said he had 2 trips available in your price range during the week you want to go, which would you choose: a> a week in hawaii in a luxury beach resort b> a week in africa helping the red cross distribute food and medicine first option, ONLY coz i haven’t experienced straight up luxury before. 3212. Have you ever played with a dreidal? no. 3213. Did you know that Kraft is owned by a cigarette company? Does that bother you? i didn’t know and tbh it doesn’t bother me. i hardly buy kraft products to begin with. 3214. With all the information constantly rushing at you, how do you know what's important? i decide for myself. 3215. How is your life unlike a movie? it’s incredibly boring. 3216. Where is the most beautiful place you have visited? el nido, philippines. 3217. What is never going in your mouth? bugs. 3218. Are there really 5,000 different facts about you? probably! 3219. Do you like banana bread? love it. 3220. Who are you the most gentle and tender around? my boyfriend. 3221. If electrodes were inserted into your brain and a button was put into your arm so that you could push the button and stimulate an immeadiate orgasm would you forget about life and sit at home pushing the button until you died? no. i’d prefer getting an orgasm the natural way lol. 3222. Is there a difference between being scared and afraid? yes. 3223. Are you scared and/or afraid of death? to an extent. If yes, what is it about death? just not doing everything i’ve wanted to do in my life. The pain? not really. The separation? yes. the unknown? yes. the fear of nothing? eh, idk. 3224. What is existentialism? cbf. 3225. SUCCESS is counted sweetest By those who ne’er succeed. To comprehend a nectar Requires sorest need. Not one of all the purple host Who took the flag to-day Can tell the definition, So clear, of victory, As he, defeated, dying, On whose forbidden ear The distant strains of triumph Break, agonized and clear. by, Emily Dickinson What is Emily Dickenson trying to say here? idk. 3226. A college girl (maybe you?) blows a tire and pulls off the road in an unfamiliar residential neighbourhood. She is having trouble changing the tire when a man in his late thirties-ish comes over and asks if she needs some help. He changes her tire and offers to let her go into his house to wash her hands. She is dirty from trying to change the tire. Should she accept? no. i carry around hand sanitiser all the damn time.

She does accept and he gives her a tour of the house including the upstairs. The staircase in the living room leads directly into the master bedroom. The view out the window is beautiful. What are you thinking about this situation? honestly, it seems innocent, but i just find it weird someone would want to take a random person on a tour of their house. 3227. Are you too trusting of others? nope. 3228. What's the difference between a den and a living room? i have no ideas. they’re just lounges and living rooms to me. 3229. Write a stream of consciousness sentence: no. 3230. Who is the hero of all kids? their parents and/or guardian. 3231. Who do you tend to show more of your best side to, your family or strangers? my family. but they also know my worst sides. 3232. How do you think the harry potter series will end? haha it’s done. 3233. Name three things that would make really bad ice cream flavors: spaghetti, sushi and bbq ribs. 3234. Would you try a jelly bean if it's flavor was: toasted marshmallow? fried chicken? black pepper? vomit? grass? dirt? boogers? ear wax? sardines? Did you know that you can get these flavors of jellybeans at harrypotter.com? pretty sure i’ve tried these. 3235. What's at the center of the earth? who knows. 3236. have you ever wondered where holidays come from? history. 3237. Do you think there should be more movies shown in 3D? no, there’s already a lot of 3d movies. 3238. Are you just another brick in the wall? sometimes. 3239. Write a haiku (a poem with 3 lines, 1st line is 5 syllables, second line is 7 sylabels, 3rd line is five syllabals): no. it’s incredibly annoying to see this person has spelt syllables in three different ways though. 3240. Are you cautious and tame? yes. 3241. Do you like to eat at Subway? no. i haven’t eaten subway in forever. whenever i do, it’s really unfulfilling. 3242. Is 42 the meaning of life? huh? 3243. Would you agree that a blade of grass is nothing less than the journeywork of stars? idk. 3244. Do you want to die? not yet. 3245. If someone was studying 'the humanities' what the hell are they studying? it’s a really broad topic lol. 3246. Is this question REALLY is this question 3246? idk. 3247. Do you want to dieT? yeah, i need to lol. 3248. What is colder, your feet, or the floor? floor. 3249. What is older, your mouth, or the door? my mouth. 3250. Are you more beauty or more beast? beauty but i’m not talking physically. 3251. Are we there yet? nope. 3252. Scantron or handwritten tests? whaat? 3253. What's that sound? the fan. 3254. True/false: To the maggots on the cheese, the cheese is the universe. wtf lol. 3255. What's the best treat to bring with you to elementary school for your birthday? Cupcakes? probably cupcakes so it’s easily distributed. 3256. What would you expect to learn from self interrogation? idk. 3257. When you feel cold does eating warm food help you feel warm? sometimes. 3258. Does being true to yourself mean saying 'screw everybody else, my shit is more important'? not really. 3259. Have you reckoned a thousand acres much? no. 3260. Have you reckoned the earth much? no. 3261. Have you ever had a vision? nope. 3262. If you have a vision or belief and someone else has a conflicting vision or belief, how do you tell which one is valid? Are they both valid? they’re both valid. 3263. Why is everything based around proof and facts instead of intuition? not everything is based on proof, let’s be real. 3264. What is the grass? azz. 3265. Have you ever supposed it is lucky to be born? Is it just as lucky to die? no... 3266. What is it that you express in your eyes? boredom. 3267. What is man anyhow? What am I? and what are you? *yawn* 3268. You understand enough. Why don't you let it out? this is lame. 3269. What is less or more than a touch? - 3270. Why should anyone wish to see god more than they wish to see this day? they don’t. 3271. Have you guessed that after death you yourself would not continue? sure. 3272. Have you dreaded the earth beetles? no. 3273. Have you feared the future would be nothing to you? no. 3274. Is today nothing? no. 3275. Is the beginingless past nothing? no. 3276. Do you believe in a collective unconsiouss? no. 3277. Jung or Freud? no. 3278. What is a 'fate worse than death'? being tortured for years on end. 3279. What are the 5 main things you think about?/ work, life, what’s for breakfast/lunch/dinner, friends, weekends. 3280. Name someone you know. my boyfriend. What is the biggest thing you have in common with them? sense of humour. 3281. Do you think that laws should be passed to regulate human breeding? i think it’s problematic.  3282. Do you think they already exist in a subtle way? idk. 3283. Why is it that so many people are demanding the death penalty as punishment for a wider and wider range of crimes? probably so they don’t waste taxpayer’s money on housing criminals until they die of old age. 3284. Is it partially to weed the nonconformists out of the gene pool? idk. 3285. What does it mean to be free? do whatever you want without being judged. 3286. What does it mean to be tamed or domesticated? conforming into something that you’re really not. 3287. Is the human animal becoming more and more tame and domestic? If yes, what is causing this? are we becoming more or less free? ugh, idk. 3288. Are you embarrassed about your naked body? If yes, is that freedom? yes and no. 3289. Are you the result of all of evolution up to this point? somewhat. 3290. The murderous person...how does he sleep? some can just deal with it.  3291. Your mother...is she living? Have you been much with her? and has she been much with you? lol wtf. 3292. Are these questions disturbing you? If yes, why? they’re not, they’re just boring. 3293. What are you focused on? myself. 3294. Have you ever admired wickedness? um, no. 3295. Is the accomplishment of one person the accomplishment of all humanity? Why or why not? somewhat. 3296. Is the imprisonment of one person the imprisonment of all humanity? Why or why not? idk. 3297. We're just following ancient history. If I strip for you, will you strip for me? no lol. 3298. Have you ever wished you had not so many clothes? no. 3299. What is the balance between conformity and individual freedom? just doing you but abiding by society’s standards. 3300. What do these things have in common: nakedness, sex, killing, fighting, shitting, death? idk.