#Sorry if this seems vaguey

[privateolives]

When media only represented lgbt people as sassy and promiscuous, everyone cried for more wholesome stories. Now that the norm is wholesome falling in love stories, people are demanding kinks again.

Girl, your enemy isn't one or the other. Your enemy is The Single Narrative and pretending that either representation is Bad is a fool's game.

Just because something is more prevalent at the moment doesn't make it inherently bad. It's perfectly good to represent that parts of the experience. We just need to recognise that we need to start diversifying our stories when one particular narrative starts becoming too prevalent, instead of declaring one thing Bad Representation and going into the exact opposite camp to show how Not That we are. If that's the only attitude we have, then we risk making this new Opposite the only new narrative.

Prevalent depictions tend to come in waves of reactions to things happening in society but also very much in relation to previous depictions. You see this not just inside LGBT narratives but also in media representation of racial stereotypes, focus on masculine and feminen tendencies in fashion history, etc.

Lately though, I've been seeing posts getting more and more hostile towards the Previous Representation as if it's that experience's fault for existing - such as lgbt people who "pass straight" vs "incredibly queercoded", narratives of people who want to heal troubled family relations and a general tendency for creative work (especially in writing prompts) to just take one trope and inverting it, then calling that the peak of creativity, even when there's not necesarrily any bottomline thought to what this new story is trying to say beyond "being the opposite".

That's not to say any one person who wants to try turning tropes on their heads are inherently Problematic or anything of the sort, but it's worth examining if one representation makes that representation inherently problematic, or just in need of more diversity.

More diversity than just pointing at the opposite camp and making that the new norm until we're all sick to death of that one. Lest we just repeat the same cycle without creating actual diverse representation; Or even worse, start creating the idea that the beautiful, multi-faceted experience that is the LGBT community as a whole just falls into new binaries of experiences than just sex and preference.

[dteamain]

can i explain my brain a little bit to you guys so you understand me better i am a deeply anxious person i know i don't seem it but i am i also just feel bad for anyone and everyone the chances that i publicly vague anyone is extremely low and even when i do it's less me vaguing someone and more just me disagreeing with their opinion and i believe i am within my rights to do so but i can count on one hand the amount of times i posted an actual vague post about someone on this blog. and when i tell you i wanted to throw up immediately i mean it i don't like conflict and i don't like hurting peoples feelings (sometimes to my own fault) when i make posts that seem vaguey and don't give details it's likely because i don't have details myself like when i said i want to unfollow everyone that was simply a feeling i had based off nothing that i posted to get off my mind so i can move on also about 85% of the shit i say here is goofy and unserious. my actual opinions on most discourse are pretty neutral. anyway if something serious was going on i would just out right say it. also when i do post vague the reason i don't directly @ someone is bc they don't need any flack from me or people who follow me simply bc i disagree with their opinion it's never that serious to send hate or cause drama over. i have been on the receiving end of anons running to other blogs talking shit about something i said and other blogs posting direct links to my posts sending idiots to my inbox to call me slurs and say mean things simply because they don't agree with an opinion i had and it's horrible and i wouldn't wish it on anyone so sorry but i'll never be @ ing anyone in my posts or directing you to them it's the worse goddamn feeling in the world and barely anything on here is that serious

[doodoodloo]

How do you live life, Freya? How do you squash the hopeles negative feelings when they creep up?

Hi,gosh! Such a big question! Thanks for asking ~

 Ihad to really reflect on this in order to find words for such a complex andopen-ended question. Like, how do Ilive life?

Iguess I can’t really explain how I live life now without reference to anearlier process of growth and reflection. My ‘state of being’ if you will beganwith the early teenage desire to arrive at a place /version of myself that feltcomfortable. At that time elements of my life were somewhat out of my control,for example my home life, my school situation and to some extent my socialcircle, so in order to figure out if experiences suited the version of myself Iwanted to be, I would just ask myself in new situations Do I like this?

I have a side of myself that is very stubborn, and another side that is very freeand curious, so usually I would try something (not if I had been pressuredthough, only if I had decided in the moment that I wanted to try it) and thenafterwards I would decide if it was for me. My curiosity would be satisfied,and my stubbornness would then categorise the experience into a yes or no file.It sounds very straightforward but it was of course much more subtle than that.I’ve always had a very strong core from where a ‘yes or no’ arises from. Iremember in early childhood being put into situations that I didn’t like andfeeling this all encompassing ‘NO’ rise in me, but I didn’t have the words orauthority to tap out. The adults in my life that knew me back then still jokeabout my tantrums, where my body would stiffen into an embodied state ofrefusal. In this process of discovery my stubbornness was extremely useful Ithink, and saved me from some of the pain others experience in teenagehood,since I was never swayed by peer pressure. At some point though that traitserves it’s purpose and needs to be loosened a little, I think.

 Ican imagine for people with a quiet or as of yet undeveloped intuitive ‘yes orno’ voice it means that choosing what you want in your life and what you don’t isa bit more challenging. I mean, you don’t always need to know what you aregoing to become, but I think most people have a secret or not so secret imageof the best version of themselves in mind. That version is 100% accessible, andyou should have the intention of becoming her, and giving yourself permissionto become her. If that seems all vaguey-vague, why not make a list of literalthings you want (and know you will) be. For example, I want to be 1) Centred instressful situations 2) Generous but not to the extent that people takeadvantage of me 3) Non judgemental but have boundaries with people that don’tsuit the vibe I want in my life 4) In touch with my emotions but not undertheir control etc etc. Coaching language seems to always use words like goals, reaching for, aiming for but thatkind of bothers me because it suggests that this higher you is outside ofyourself, if only you would dislocate your shoulder to reach for her! Whenactually it is a slow unfolding of the petals of your truest self blossomingoutwards, calling on what was already there, laying patient and dormant untilyou asked for it to wake up. That’s how I see it, anyway.

 Atsome point I arrived at a place where I felt comfy and incredibly safe with whoI had become, and realised that it was a foundation that if maintained, wouldkeep me happy…maybe for the rest of my life? Honestly that experience is kindof hard to explain since it involved a week long series of aligned coincidencesand then some weird esoteric things like maybe an angel and some dreams, Idon’t really have words. But it could be said that something ‘clicked’ andsince then (three years ago) I’ve been ‘ok’ every day.

 Aftera lil while it became clear that maintaining that level of ok-ness came withthe need for a lot of intention and boundaries. Those words are relatively newto my vocab but explain everything I’d never had words for before. I think thatwhen you arrive at a place that feels good, it also leaves you very vulnerable.And supposing that you arrived there by discerning what did and didn’t feelright for you, you can become very sensitive to vibes and atmospheres andenergies, from both locations and people, and the things that you said ‘no’ toa while back act as triggers that can feel like a real threat to your safeplace. So from within my being I birthed a jewel that is my truest self that isalways improving ~ how do I keep it safe?! Or as you put it, how do you squashthe hopeless negative feelings when they creep up?

 WhatI would have previously called a bubble I’ve heard others call boundaries, or acontainer. The word ‘boundaries’ works well for me, so I’m going to use thatfrom now on. You can imagine your boundaries as a space around your physicalbeing which deters all that is not right for you, and you get to choose whichenergies move through that wall. Boundaries could also be a code of morals thatyou adhere to, and do not cross yourself, or let others cross in your presence(I mean, they can do whatever the heck they want, but you can maybe tell themthat they have crossed your boundary, that behaviour doesn’t suit you etc. Ithink most reasonable people will respect another’s boundaries once you make itclear why it’s not ok with you. Remember to listen to them also, since theywill have some also!). I think of boundaries in two sorts of forms. Like oneversion is more inclined to ‘avoid’ situations. For example, I do not want tosupport fast fashion, cheap labour, environmentally toxic brands or largecorporations. I also do not like bright lights, loud music or air conditioning.Those are some boundaries. Sounds really picky-choosey, but my intuition says‘no’ when I think about them. So a boundary of mine is that when it is in mycontrol, I will not go to a shopping mall pretty much ever.

 Supposeit is a little less out of my control though, and my family needs to stop atK-mart on the way to the beach on a family holiday to buy my bro some flipflops and I don’t want to make a scene like I would have when I was a kid. Inthis situation I do my best to strengthen a different sort of boundary where Icreate an circle of intention around myself like an invisible protective shieldmuch like the protective shield over Hogwarts when Voldy and the dementors ndeath eaters are coming to get Harry in the last book! In my opinion this formof boundary is much stronger and more useful overall, since you can’tperpetually avoid all situations with annoying people or negative vibes. Thisboundary says ‘I will not be swayed by others emotions, I will not let thesethings ‘get’ to me (like literally, they will not get through my shield), Iwill leave this situation as clean and whole as when I entered it’. I believe thatif this sort of power is developed there are huge rewards. Like a master ofthis could probably accept the neg vibes through the shield, transform it andthrow it back in the other persons face in the form of love.

 I’mbeing kind of bias towards external negativity rather than negative feelingsthat arise from within, as you asked ~ sorry. Those feelings are probablyrelated to self worth and fear. When those doubty, sad feelings arise for me, Istare them in the face and ask where they have come from, and go as far back tothe root as I can. Then I try to fix them from the ground up. If youacknowledge that there is both dark and light in the universe, and that you arejust visiting the dark for a while, with intention of returning to the light,negative feelings and emotions become less scary. I don’t think there is anyshame in exploring darkness, but don’t make it your default hangout spot! Like,I’d encourage you to go on a little field trip into fear and see what you find.Pack a light lunch and come home to the light when you’re ready.

                                                     OkI just realised that I have written you a literal 1500 word essay so I’m goingto sign off. Just a quick disclosure: I don’t really have any authority overthese topics other than my own experience. I feel a connection to what might besome universal truths that have found me, but I can’t confirm which are true ornot, so I just speak from a place that feels right.  Just as you asked how I live my life ~ I justlive from a place of feeling ‘right’. My actions flow from that place throughactive choice. You got the power to design your reality ~ have fun!

Muchlove, Freya Xo

[ginnyzero]

GW2, Dev Firings, and Being a Female Content Creator

(Originally Posted in July of 2018)

Apparently, when I’m sick, there are times things just blow up around me. My neighbor’s pipes, the GW2 ArenaNet Dev firing…

I covered this a little bit on twitter in a vaguey-vague sort of way and discussing how it is to be a female in just about any industry. So, for those of you not into computer gaming around July 3rd, GW2 Game Devs and Narrative Designers (aka writers) held a Reddit AMA about doing story work in GW2. One of the devs came out of that AMA and decided to talk a bit on her personal twitter about how in a linear narrative MMO like GW2 that it’s really difficult to make characters with compelling personalities because there are a lot of players who are projecting a personality onto that NPC and you don’t want to contradict their thoughts. It was, for me as a fledgling narrative designer myself, an interesting thread to read.

And that was all well and good.

Then people wanted to comment on said tweet thread because this dev works for GW2, she has a lot of followers and one of those followers or someone who saw the tweet thread who also happens to be a very popular content partner affiliate youtuber twitch livestreamer (aka youtuber content creator who also happens to get kickbacks from GW2) decided to comment.

And that was all well and good. Because yes, social media, discussion.

Here is the sticky bit.

He did it A) on a Federal Holiday while she wasn’t at work. And B) once you strip the nicey nice language off of it, it was one of those “you’re talking about topic A, but I want to talk about topic B that is tangentially related to topic A, even though topic B is not how GW2 is coded or how the game works and thus this discussion is really more suited for a different game entirely.

Now this female game dev has a bit of a reputation for being prickly. The entire community knows this and in fact, most of the community despises her. (Or so it seems.) She’s even upfront about it on twitter. Having that information to hand, even the most innocent “your thoughts are great but what about this, insert completely unworkable suggestion” is like sticking your unprotected hand into a wasp’s nest and asking “Why are they stinging me!”

Because um, that’s what the game dev did. She lashed out and stung him. She called him out on his behavior. Because this wasn’t the first time it had happened, or the second or even the 100th. Not from him personally, but other males just like him.  It was a federal holiday and she didn’t want to deal with yet another person telling her how to do her job no matter how well intentioned.

And things exploded. People started calling her names for being “mean” to them. Another game dev stepped in, a male veteran of GW2 for over 10 years, and tried to defend her.

Things got more explodey. It traveled off twitter and into reddit. It reached the BOSS of ArenaNet.

So, on July 5th, both game devs, the one who exploded and the one who defended her, lost their jobs and the content creator is still a partner with GW2. (As far as we know.) And that's not precisely fair is it because he or his followers could be construed as instigating an attack on a dev they didn't like in order to get her fired.

Lines have been drawn. Sides have been taken. Tweets and Reddit posts are being used as justification. Youtube comments and reddit are filled with “she was representing the company, called us rando asshats and she deserved to be fired and if she didn’t have ArenaNet on her profile or had ignored him this wouldn’t have happened so she deserved it. She celebrated the death of Another Popular Youtube Content Creator. Bitch.” They’re demanding a public apology from the female game dev in all commentary. They aren’t going to be satisfied until she never works in games again.

And other game devs are either going “This is bullshit, she didn’t deserve to lose her job,” pointing out ArenaNet pays the least of all gaming companies in Seattle, or are quietly deleting their twitter accounts. This is bad for the gaming community as a whole and bad for game devs who are trying to network.

The game dev had three options, 1) she could have engaged this youtube partner and played tug of war to get the conversation back to Topic A and away from Topic B. It was a Federal Holiday. She wasn’t at work. Any sort of reasoning or justification for her having to do this only exists in the minds of males who don’t have to deal with this type of behavior. 2) She could have ignored him. Ignoring said behavior doesn’t make it go away. Ignoring is the same as walking away in this instance. She ended up going with option 3) she lashed out and called him out on being an entitled male.

The sad thing is that he doesn’t see how his wording made him an entitled male. He genuinely seems to believe that his wording was polite and he was hoping to start a discussion.

On a FEDERAL HOLIDAY.

On a personal twitter.

I don’t care that she had ArenaNet on her profile. Guess what. That means nothing. She didn’t do this on ArenaNet’s or GW2’s official twitter or in an official AMA. She was on her own personal account talking about her work. Sure. It’s public. It’s public because she wants to connect to other game devs. Twitter is the space for gaming developers to connect to each other.

This demand by the consumers of games and movies and even novels. (Because authors get this too, “why didn’t you do the end of such and such already published book differently?” “Uh, because that’s not the ending I had in mind. It’s published. No take backseys, go write fanfiction.”) That we be there, being nice, and being in public relations mode 24/7 to answer their questions and consider their unasked for ideas as if we’re open for discussion every minute is entitled, rude and our jobs shouldn’t hinge on this. They don’t pay our bills. They don’t. The company pays the bills. And the company shouldn’t give a shit what an employee does on their off hours on a federal holiday while they’re in the equivalent of “at the grocery store.”

Think if this youtuber came up to this dev in a grocery store and she was talking to someone in public like, oh, a friend say male game dev that defended her, about this very topic. And youtuber tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Hey, really great thoughts, I like gaming too, have you considered X.” The perfectly acceptable response is “Thanks, I’m a game dev and know my job.” Which was what her response essentially was, she didn’t trot out rando asshats until later after the deluge started. That’s when he goes, “Oh, I know.”

She’s in a grocery store. She can’t really get away unless she completely leaves. And you’re going, “she could have exited twitter.” But see, it’s a grocery store. She doesn’t have to leave. He needs to check his privilege and wonder why in hell he thinks that changing the fundamental game dialogue options of GW2 (a thing that would cost a lot of money in reprogramming the game and redoing the story from the ground up) is really going to “fix” the really non-existent problem. And why it’s so important to him that he sees this game dev of his favorite game out getting groceries and talking about work to her co-worker and feels this urge to interrupt to show off his knowledge of game development jargon.

But you see, he wasn’t alone either. He had a bunch of people come in after him who are his friends and admire him. So after she blew him off. His friends come over and start “you’re mean. You need to engage. You’re being rude. He's a popular dude you know. We pay your salary!”

And she’s going “I’m here to pick up groceries. Leave me alone.” Because she's a female out in public and she gets this all the time. "You're saying this became I'm a female game dev. Bug off."

“No. Apologize.” Say the friends of the youtuber.

And the person she’s with and fellow dev who is male is going “Dudes, dudes, she didn’t ask for his advice. We were just talking. If we'd been two males, he wouldn't have interrupted."

And first guy is like “whoa, I’m sorry. Got over excited. Love your work. I’ll go now.”

But the other guys aren’t backing down because they don’t see why first guy should be sorry at all. They think that if she'd been male, the youtuber still would have interrupted and used the same words in his suggestion. They start cussing her out. Because, hey, she’s in a public place and all she’s doing is buying tomatoes. How is that important versus their buddy’s very important question?

So someone gets out their phone and is recording this and suddenly the female game dev explodes, calls them all random asshats, gives up on groceries and stomps away.

Her boss sees the video. Calls them in the next day, doesn’t let them explain that hey, they were just getting groceries on their time off and weren’t even in uniform. The boss tells them that they weren’t being proper ambassadors of the company to the game’s fans and fires them on the spot.

Would this be an okay scenario?

I don't think so.

Because twitter has blurred this line between public and private discourse and when there are good times to engage and when there aren’t. Basically, what they are saying is that she should have gotten off the Reddit AMA and then shut up if she didn’t want someone to come in and offer a suggestion. On the justification that “we pay your salary bitch.”

She doesn’t have to do that. She isn’t the customer’s employee. No one should have to do that. That is the life of a female in just about any field. You go to a personal account of any employee of any company, you need to be prepared to deal with them as a person and not as an employee. And yes, that means you might get bitched at because that’s the joy of dealing with people!

And that maybe, maybe instead of you, random content creator of youtube, jumping in with a question, another game dev might have jumped in with a thoughtful comment about how they deal with it and then you’d learn something for realsies.

Because twitter isn’t just about you the gamer and the dev. It’s professionals talking with other professionals in the same field and sharing stories and commiserating. Just be quiet sometimes and let the professionals have the conversation!

Men don’t always get this. People don’t always get this.

ArenaNet could have stood behind her and the other dev. They could have handled this internally and dealt with whatever training or discipline that way. They could have called up the partner on Skype or had him come in or something and talked to him too about how to approach employees or at least when to approach employees. (A major problem is that most the responses from males do not see how the response could be read as rude and condescending and telling her how to do her job.) They could have distanced themselves and gone “she’s not speaking for the company on her personal twitter. You deal with her on her personal twitter. You’re dealing with her, not ArenaNet. We’re not part of this dispute.”

Instead, they folded to the “customers” who are entirely way too entitled anyways. (The how to make a video game better hashtag was pretty sickening.) The white, cishet, male that plays FPS and hardcore PvP MMOs truly believes that they are the core demographic of the gaming community. We went over this four years ago that they aren’t. They still haven’t gotten the message.

I’m glad there are other companies that go “you do you” and stand by it to their game devs.

We creators are people to who are struggling with keeping a roof over our head and paying taxes and pets and children and so on.

The sad thing for me, and a good thing all at the same time, is that I truly was thinking about pushing aside my aversion for combat MMOs (I’m just tired of dealing with it) and downloading GW2 to play through some of the free portions to see what had changed from Guild Wars 1. I wanted to see how their graphics stood up outside of screencaps and how well the engine worked and if the optimization was any good because ArenaNet was one of my ideas for a game company maybe to work on the Horse MMO. (Their mount system looked pretty impressive.)

Now I know that they don’t pay their devs well. They won’t stand behind their employees if something happens on social media. I think I’m going to pass.