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dirtyhelen · 4 years

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with you, a girl could get bolder (i just wanna be a little bit closer) - part one

PART ONE: can you feel it? (Series Masterlist) Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Rating: Explicit (18+) Featuring: Smut; Angst; Sex Pollen/Aphrodisiacs; Dubious Consent; Loss of Virginity; First Time; Vaginal Sex; Cunnilingus; Creampie; Dirty Talk Words: 5484 Summary: For a single moment there is absolute silence as you and Bucky stare down at the broken glass and the silvery mist rising from it with shocking speed and volume. “Oh, fuck.” You and Bucky get hit with an extremely powerful aphrodisiac, resulting in some mind-blowing (but dubiously consensual) sex on a quinjet. And if sleeping with a coworker in a drug-fueled haze wasn’t bad enough, you’ve also had an unrequited crush on him for months. A/N: My first multi-chapter fic! My first attempt at something resembling a plot! There will be 3 parts, about 15k total. Titles are from Want You In My Room by Carly Rae Jepsen. Part 2 will be out next week!

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“Thanks, Steve,” you say as he sets your bag in one of the quinjet’s storage compartments. Ever the gentleman, he’d insisted on carrying your luggage for you, since he was headed the same way anyway. Just a few minutes ago the jet was bustling with technicians packing away carefully labelled silver briefcases, but now it’s just you, Steve, Bucky, and Bruce. Bucky is headed to Wakanda, summoned by Shuri with the promise of impressive new upgrades for his arm. The briefcases are samples of chemical solutions the Avengers recently confiscated from an enemy base. They’re also headed to Wakanda, to be examined in one of the country’s laboratories even Tony - begrudgingly – has to admit are more advanced than his own. Along the way, Bucky will be dropping you in Zurich to meet up with Pepper. She’s attending a fancy business retreat there and snagged you an invite under the guise of professional development and maintaining the relationship between Stark Industries and the Avengers. As though being married to Iron Man isn’t enough to cement that relationship. Really, she just hates being outnumbered by arrogant, misogynistic billionaires and wants the company. You’re certainly not complaining. A chance to eat ridiculously expensive food and shit talk gross old men in view of the Swiss Alps? Beats running around after the team, keeping track of a thousand conflicting schedules and chasing down late mission reports. You spend another minute or two idly chatting with Steve and Bruce as Bucky makes himself busy at the instrument panel. The jet can basically fly itself, but you suspect Bucky gets a bit of a thrill any time he gets to be in the cockpit, tech nerd that he is. “You sure you have everything?” Steve asks you with a teasing smirk. “It’s a whole two days, you know. Pretty sure that requires at least a dozen books.” “Oh, har-har,” you grumble. “God, you overpack one time and it turns into a whole thing!” “Didn’t you take like four pairs of shoes and two books for a day trip?” Bruce calls as he walks down the ramp, heading back to the lab, you’re sure. “It was three pairs and you can’t always rely on weather forecasts!” you shout after him. Steve jokingly rolls his eyes. “Of course. And the books?” “Two is a perfectly reasonable number of books to bring on a day trip,” you protest primly. “And if I recall correctly, you ended up borrowing one of those books on the way home, so you’re welcome.” “Fair enough,” Steve laughs, holding out his hands in mock concession and turning to say his goodbyes to Bucky, currently bent over the panel, confidently pressing buttons and flicking toggles. It gives you some comfort. You’re a bit of a nervous flier, but Bucky seems to know what he’s doing and the Avengers’ personal jet has to be a lot safer than any commercial plane you’ve ever been on anyway. Though it’s more than just the thought of crashing into the Atlantic ocean that has you on edge. Three hours. That’s approximately how long you’ll be confined with Bucky in a high-tech tin can. Three hours to sit in awkward silence, or worse, awkward conversation if your previous interactions are anything to go by. Chances are you’ll try to make small talk but somehow end up saying something stupid while Bucky just sort of looks at you like he’s wondering how you managed to get this job in the first place. It’s a reasonable question, to be fair, and one you’ve asked yourself at least once every day since you started. Not that you’re a notably skilled conversationalist in general, but around Bucky, you can barely manage to string two coherent sentences together. You can’t help it! You just like him so fucking much and you want him to like you even just a little, so you try to be cool and relaxed and chill. Like Natasha or Sam, the two people who, apart from Steve, he seems to actually be comfortable around. Unfortunately, you are neither cool nor relaxed and you definitely are not chill. No, you are a grab-bag of somewhat less attractive personality traits like excitable and dorky and perpetually-fucking-nervous, all wrapped up in sensible shoes and practical, un-sexy clothing. Basically the anti-Nat, or any person you can imagine Bucky being attracted to. So when you try to converse with him like a normal person you usually end up rambling on like an alien who watched one episode of Gilmore Girls and thought that was how humans really communicated with each other. Not exactly a turn on. Sadly, knowing you have absolutely no chance with him does nothing to stop your feelings. If anything it only makes them stronger somehow. No harm in letting yourself become totally obsessed with the guy since it’s not like you’ll ever tell him how you feel, therefore there’s no chance of rejection! Foolproof! Really though, you don’t know how you could have avoided falling for him anyway, even if you had tried. As a member of the team’s admin staff, you see them basically every day. Relaxing, training, doing press and charity events – everything but actually going on missions. After months of chatting during meetings, discussing schedules and events, and working in the same place they live, you’ve gotten to know them pretty well, you think. And despite Bucky’s taciturn demeanor, the White Wolf seems more like a puppy to you. Sure, his resting expression has a tendency to read as slightly murderous and he's undoubtedly deadly in the field, but there's another side to him too. Bucky is enthralled with all things technological. Whenever there’s a presentation on new tools for the team Bucky is there, bright-eyed and attentive, with thoughtful, clever questions on how it all works, and he’s not shy about making suggestions either. He shamelessly enjoys all things soft and cozy – fuzzy blankets, knit sweaters, his cat. Alpine was a stray Bucky found wandering the grounds of the compound. Now she wanders the residential wing instead, usually wherever Bucky is. He could be bitter and angry and cruel after everything he’s been through – and God knows he’d have every right – but he’s not. He has his bad days, of course. Days at a time where you hardly see him except for mandatory meetings or training, and then with dark shadows under his eyes and a heavy blankness that seems etched into his face. But most of the time it’s clear he wants to be part of the world. With his never-ending curiosity about all the things he missed, or never had the freedom to enjoy. With his dark, wry humor and the fond way he can’t help but look at Steve whenever he says something that must remind him of before the war. With the way he tries so goddamn hard to put some good back into the world, to make up for things that weren’t even his fault. You truly don’t understand how anyone could know him and not love him. You certainly never stood a chance. “See you, pal. Text me when you land.” Steve’s voice pulls you out of your thoughts and you realize you’ve been staring into nothing for longer than you realized. “Say hi to Pepper for me!” he calls to you as he leaves. And with that, it’s just you and Bucky. For the next three hours. +++ The awkward silence – apart from a quiet, “You ready?” from Bucky just before take-off – lasts all of ten minutes. That’s as long as you can go before the pressure to say something becomes irresistible. Being bad at talking to Bucky has never kept you from trying, unfortunately. “You excited to go back to Wakanda?” you ask. Bucky nods. “Yeah. It’ll be nice to see Shuri again.” He says it with a soft smile and you know he means it. He clearly has a deep affection and respect for her. “I bet. She seems ridiculously cool. Honestly, I wanna be her when I grow up,” you joke, then immediately cringe. I wanna be her when I grow up? Come on! Bucky laughs politely and the jet is once again silent. Bucky seems content to just sit with his thoughts, but the jet’s at cruising altitude now so you take the opportunity to get out of your seat and grab one of the only two books from your bag. Can’t say anything stupid if you’re too busy reading! Check and mate, Rogers. You’re elbow deep in toiletries and underwear, having decided blindly digging around would be preferable to actually taking the bag down and fully unzipping it, when you decide to try speaking again. “So do you know what upgrades you’re getting? You know, for –” you gesture at your left arm, or try to, except you use the arm currently being eaten by your suitcase at the exact moment the jet hits a patch of turbulence, jostling you and your luggage. Bucky jumps up, darting over to steady you with a hand on your back. As a part of your mind becomes consumed with thoughts of, holy shit he’s touching me, you manage to wrench your arm out of your suitcase, sending it to knock against the silver briefcase next to it. The impact shifts the briefcase slightly. The next bump of the jet a moment later has it falling out of the storage unit entirely. The silver briefcases used by the Avengers to transport dangerous or delicate materials are very cleverly designed so that – properly clasped – they could be used as a football for an NFL game with no ill-effects. Which is how you know this case has very clearly not been properly clasped because as it falls it springs open, and a small vial of clear liquid hits the floor. And shatters. For a single moment there is absolute silence as you and Bucky stare down at the broken glass and the thin, silvery mist rising from it with shocking speed and volume, filling the space around your bodies. “Oh, fuck,” you breathe. Bucky snaps into action, grabbing you by the arm and tugging you toward the sleeping compartments in the back of the jet, calling for FRIDAY along the way. “Get us back to the compound now,” he orders. “And get Stark or Banner on the line.” He shoves you inside the nearest cabin, following and sliding the door shut behind him. Immediately he’s gripping you by the shoulders and turning you to face him. “Did any of it get on you? On your clothes?” he asks urgently, eyes scanning your body. “No! I mean, not the liquid, I don’t think. But what about that mist or vapour or whatever? What if we breathed it in?” You have no idea what was in that vial. “Oh God, we’re gonna die,” you moan, anxiously pacing the tiny room. “Or I am, anyway. You’ll probably be fine. Fuck. Oh my God. What if it’s like, some flesh-eating poison? Am I gonna turn into the Hulk?” Your heart races and you feel hot. You can’t tell if it’s just fear or something worse but whatever it is must show on your face because Bucky gently guides you to sit on the narrow bed as the call finally connects. “Hey, Bucky, what’s up?” It’s Bruce, thank God. You’re not sure you could handle even the briefest and most well-meaning witticism from Tony right now. Bucky very quickly briefs Bruce on the situation, finishing with, “Any idea what the fuck was in that case?” You can hear the anxiety in Bruce’s voice. “Shit, I don’t know. Not unless you have the label. And we didn’t really examine them, just packed them up.” “Fucking great!” you can’t help but interject, throwing your hands in the air and receiving a concerned look from Bucky in return “But listen, guys. You’re on your way back to the compound – FRIDAY says 30 minutes tops. I’ll have medical and biochem ready as soon as you touch down. And it’s already been what? Like five minutes? If nothing’s happened yet, you’re probably fine? Just sit tight and don’t leave the cabin. The doors seal airtight so nothing can get through.” And with that, Bruce hangs up to get everything ready for your return, leaving you and Bucky at opposite ends of an very small space. You’ve never been claustrophobic before but you must be developing the fear because the walls feel like they’re closing in and your heart feels like it’s about to beat its way out of your chest. “Okay, wow. Great. ‘Sit tight.’ That’s awesome, just awesome.” You look around the room, empty except for the bunk you’re sitting on. “What are we supposed to do now? Play twenty fucking questions?” Your relaxing weekend abroad has disappeared and apparently taken your brain-to-mouth filter with it. Between that, your racing heart, and the increasing heat spreading through your body you’re not entirely sure that you’re probably fine, but you’re chalking it up to anxiety because it’s not like there’s anything you can do about it anyway. Except sit tight. Looking up at Bucky you can see his cheeks have taken on a pink flush, but again, that’s probably just stress. Or maybe annoyance at having to be trapped in a tiny room with you and your panicked blathering for the next half hour. Sighing, he sinks to the floor, resting his back against the door and stretching out his legs in front of him. “Nothin’ to do but wait, doll.” Your eyes flash to his. Doll. He’s never called you that before. He’s never really called you anything before. Bucky seems to have noticed it too because he furrows his brows, looking like he’s just as surprised as you are. There’s a brief moment of eye contact before you both quickly look away, choosing not to address it. Probably just a habit, you think. A remnant of the Bucky that existed long before you were born, jumping out in a moment of stress. A heavy silence falls, leaving you both to your own thoughts. You try to focus on breathing, on staying calm, but your mind keeps straying and it feels like there’s too much energy in your body. Your skin practically itches with it and you squirm, unable to get comfortable but not sure exactly why. You can hear Bucky tapping his foot on the floor, the sound of him shifting around. You wonder if he feels it too. Bucky… Doll. The way it had fallen out of his mouth so casually, so easily. As though he’d said it to you a hundred times. You feel a spark bubble up inside you picturing Bucky’s flushed cheeks and that word. You imagine him saying it breathlessly, reverently, just before his lips touch yours. Or growling it out as he moves inside you… Fuck, doll, just like that. You nearly let out a whimper and you feel a rush of slick in your panties, shocking you out of your fantasy as you become uncomfortably aware of just how wet you are. That spreading heat flares even more than before and you realize you must have been dripping into your underwear for longer than just the last few seconds. There’s a deep throb of arousal in your core, stronger than anything you’ve felt before, like that unbearable energy under your skin has been pulled to settle deep inside you. It’s confusing – far too powerful to be the result of a vague, half-imagined fantasy. But even as you wonder at what’s happening, it’s like a fog settles over you, the confusion half-hearted, nothing compared to the growing urge to touch, to quell the burning fire inside you. Before you can even consciously register the movement, your hand is making its way to your pussy. Any shock or embarrassment at your wildly inappropriate behaviour is slow to appear and dulled when it does. Snatching your hand back just as it nears the apex of your thighs is like walking through deep water, like you have to convince yourself why you shouldn’t get off in front of a co-worker. Your eyes flash to Bucky, wondering if he’s seen, if he’s affected the same way you are, only to find his gaze already fixed on you, blue eyes blown nearly black. His fists are clenched at his sides and his lips are bitten red and spit-slick. He breathes in deep, nostrils flaring, and you realize he can smell you. It should be humiliating. You should be turning away in humiliation, but instead, you feel yourself get – somehow, impossibly – wetter and this time you can’t contain the helpless whimper when Bucky groans and licks his lips in response. It’s as if with that sound the floodgates have opened because in an instant you’re slipping off the bed and throwing yourself at him, desperate to be closer, as close as physically possible. You scramble on top of him, graceless and frantic, straddling his thighs and wrapping your arms around his neck. Bucky’s hands grip your ass, pulling you closer and grinding you down on his cock, pressing hard and hot against you even through your clothes. There’s a moment – a tiny fraction of a second – where you catch each other’s eyes. A pause, where you think you see something, some emotion on Bucky's face, but you don't have time to decipher it before he’s surging up to press his lips against yours and a bomb is set off inside you. You have no idea what you’re doing – your experiences up to now have been limited to a handful of lackluster kisses with people not worth remembering – but Bucky doesn’t seem to notice or mind. He holds your face firmly in his hands, turning your head to suit him as he licks into your mouth and you do your best to mimic his actions, clumsy in your mindless passion. He takes your bottom lip between his teeth and you gasp, rocking your hips against his, trying to get some friction on your throbbing clit. He thrusts up against you and you move together but it’s not enough. It’s clear whatever was in that vial has created a thirst in you that won’t be quenched by a heated make-out session and you pull away from Bucky's mouth, moaning as he tilts your head back to kiss your neck, licking and sucking at the tender skin. “More,” you gasp. “I need more.” You feel him nod against your throat and with one last, deep kiss to your lips Bucky grips you by the hips and lifts you off him, shifting to rest his weight on his heels before reaching to push your dress up over your waist. Almost all of your higher brain function is devoted to being as close to Bucky as possible but far in the back of your mind, there’s a small part of you that’s simply shocked at what’s happening, at the sensations coursing through your body. You have never felt this uninhibited in your entire life. You were a shy, anxious child who grew into a somewhat less shy, anxious adult, easily embarrassed and prone to overthinking. But now, with that silvery mist working its way through your system, you’ve never felt so shameless. Bucky is feverishly slipping off your shoes and tugging down your tights and you’re not thinking about how you haven’t shaved your legs in weeks or how you’re wearing an old pair of plain cotton panties or any of the dozens of worries that would be running through your head under normal circumstances. (Not that Bucky would be undressing you at all, under normal circumstances.) No. Instead of overthinking and paralyzing yourself with fear, you’re pulling your dress over your head and reaching back to unclasp your bra so you can get your own hands on your breasts. You could almost just sit and bask in this unfamiliar feeling of freedom if it weren’t for the hot ache in your core that threatens to burn you alive with every moment you go untouched. As soon as your tights have been pulled off and tossed aside, Bucky is shouldering your legs apart and leaning forward to press his nose against the wet patch on your panties, breathing deep. “Fuck, doll. I need to taste you.” You whimper as his tongue darts out to lick a wide stripe up the length of your covered cunt. His hands move to your hips and in an instant, your panties are torn from your body and his mouth is on your bare skin for the first time. You can’t help but gasp as he presses an open-mouthed kiss to your folds. His tongue licks up your opening and circles your clit before moving back down and slipping inside you, drinking up your slick. Bucky growls against your pussy. “So fucking good.” His tongue moves back to your clit and he laps at it in short, teasing flicks. You begin to buck helplessly and Bucky’s metal arm brackets your hips, holding you still for his mouth. He switches to deep, firm circles over your clit, alternating with wide laps over the whole of your cunt. You’re losing your mind, flat on your back with your legs thrown over Bucky’s shoulders, heels pressing into his back. You’ve never felt anything like this. You haven’t even come yet but it’s already more intense than any orgasm you’ve ever given yourself. You feel two fingers against your opening and you fight Bucky’s grip over your hipbones, trying to grind yourself down onto him. He chuckles at your efforts and presses just the tips of his fingers inside you. “So needy, huh? Just wanna be filled up, don’t you?” You have no idea how he’s able to tease right now when you're ready to fall to your knees and plead just for the chance at an orgasm. You whine, trying again to slide down onto his fingers but his metal arm keeps you from moving a single inch and you toss your head back with a wail. “Please, Bucky,” you sob. “I need it, I need you. Please.” You feel no embarrassment at your begging. The fire inside you is growing hotter and hotter. You need him. You need to be filled, fucked. You feel like you’ll die if he doesn’t fuck you now. The teasing tone drops out of Bucky’s voice and he presses messy kisses to your inner thighs. “I know, I know. I feel it too. Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’m gonna fill you up so good. Stuff you full. Gonna make you feel so good, make it better.” His fingers finally slip into you, sliding easily through your wetness. He starts thrusting and his tongue circles your clit again as his fingers curl. He focuses on your g-spot, stroking roughly as he pulls your clit into his mouth and sucks. You’re coming in seconds with a series of breathy moans, thighs clamped tightly around Bucky’s head. He doesn’t let up, only pulling away when you tug at his hair, the sensations too much. He kisses you, sliding his tongue against yours and you can taste yourself in his mouth. It reignites the fire your orgasm had dulled slightly and you pull away, about to plead for more, but it seems Bucky has finally reached his limit. His hands work at his belt and he shoves his jeans and briefs down just enough to free his cock. You’ve never really seen one in person before and maybe under different circumstances you’d take a moment to get familiar, but right now all you can do is spread your legs and beg. Bucky quickly positions himself above you, lining his cock up with your entrance. He drags the head along your pussy a couple times, groaning as he slicks himself up and begins to push into you. He’s bigger than anything you’ve ever had inside you hardly notice the sting. It’s nothing compared to the raging chorus inside you chanting more, more, more. In one single, hurried thrust he’s fully inside, your bodies pressed flush together. Bucky moans. “So fucking tight, fuck. You feel so goddamn good, doll,” he pants above you, leaning down for a filthy kiss, wet and open. “Fucking move, please,” you beg, hooking your legs around him and digging in your heels. Bucky growls into your mouth and pulls out almost entirely before thrusting back inside hard, pulling a sound from deep in your throat. He repeats the move a handful of times before settling into a harsh, pounding rhythm with his face buried in your neck. You cling to his back, senseless, unable to focus on anything but how good you feel. Your brain feels fuzzy and empty and every thrust drags his cock along your g-spot and it’s too much, too good. You’re a gasping, panting mess. It’s not long before his hips start to stutter, his rhythm breaking as he moans out above you. Your hand slides down your body to your clit and you rub firm circles around it. A few swipes and you’re coming, harder than you ever have in your life, with a high, keening moan. The tight squeezes of your cunt have Bucky coming too and you feel a warmth release inside you as he collapses against your chest. Neither of you moves for a long moment, your heavy, mingled breaths the only sound in the room. There’s still some lingering fog as you soak in the afterglow of your drug-intensified orgasm, but it seems like the chemical has run its course and clarity is quickly returning to you. The silence is broken by FRIDAY announcing your approach to one of the landing pads, and you feel the jet begin its descent a moment later. Her voice hits you like a slap in the face, a stark reminder of what’s really happening here, what you’ve just done. It seems Bucky feels the same, because he leans back just enough to look you in the eyes and a long moment of horrified recognition passes between you. Your breathing picks up again as panic surges through you. You start to squirm under his weight but he’s already moving. You wince as he pulls out of you, suddenly aware of a deep soreness between your legs. In seconds, Bucky has tucked himself back into his jeans, and he storms out of the cabin without a backward glance. So eager to get away from you he doesn’t seem to care that he might be walking directly into a toxic cloud. Like anything would be better than being trapped with you for another moment. You lay there on the floor, naked and shivering, with Bucky’s cum starting to leak out of you as you struggle to take a breath, all the anxiety and uncertainty the drug had masked flooding back to you at once. You force yourself to sit up and pull your clothes back on, cringing as you feel the mess between your legs seep into your tights. You hastily stuff your ruined panties in your pocket. You take a few deep breaths and try to still your shaking hands as you hear footsteps approaching the cabin. You’re given a respirator and guided off the jet into a throng of people awaiting your arrival, Bucky nowhere to be seen. White-coated staff swarm you and lead you inside. +++ You wish you could say the next several hours are a blur, but they are, unfortunately, exceptionally, horrifically clear. You’re taken through a decontamination shower, though you’re really not sure how much good it could do at this point, then poked and prodded with needles and swabs while having the most mortifying conversation of your life. You feel nearly choked with a shocking, burning shame. This morning you woke up nervous and excited for a weekend away, and now you’re telling a handful of strangers how you just had sex for the first time in an uncontrollable, frenzied state of lust with one of the Avengers. And as though it couldn’t be worse, it’s made all the more humiliating by the lingering throb of arousal thrumming through you the entire time. It seems whatever this drug is, the two orgasms you’ve already had weren’t enough to neutralize it, though at least you have enough self-control now to keep from shoving your hand down your pants in front of everyone in the room. Finally, after what seems like hours and unfortunately really is hours, you’re told to go home and rest. You’ve been given an emergency contraceptive, a pamphlet for the Employee Assistance Program, a number to call if you feel any strange symptoms, and told that someone will follow up with you in the next day or so. You feel numb as you enter your apartment, tugging off your med-bay issued scrubs on the way to the bathroom. You get yourself off in the shower, and though it’s the most joyless orgasm of your life, it seems to finally clear any lingering arousal from your system. Wincing at the tenderness between your legs, you scrub yourself clean under the hot spray, half wishing you could dissolve into a puddle and wash away down the drain with the soapy water. You’re getting ready for bed when your thoughts take a sudden turn to Bucky for the first time in hours. You’d been so overwhelmed by all the tests and questions, so cocooned in your own embarrassment you’d practically forgotten about him. Guilt rushes through you at your own selfish thoughtlessness. Feeling so sorry for yourself like you were the only victim. Like you were the victim at all. You’ve had a crush on Bucky for months, have spent more time than you’d like to admit imagining being with him in ways both innocent and obscene. But he’s never looked twice at you, barely speaks to you except for unavoidable work discussions. Not that you expect anything different. Someone like him would never want to be with you anywhere outside your daydreams. Except now he has been with you. Forced against his will to take part in some horrific act, because surely that’s how Bucky must see it, now the fog of uncontrollable lust has cleared. You had sex for the first time in decidedly unwanted conditions, but at least it was with someone you’re genuinely attracted to, someone you have feelings for. Bucky had been forced to have sex with someone he didn’t even like, much less desire. After everything he’s been through, how hard he’s worked to find a place where he can feel safe and in control of his own life – his own body. Only to have that control taken from him again in the most indecent way. Shame, viscous and thick, swells in your throat like sickness and your eyes fill with tears. No wonder Bucky ran out of the cabin the way he had. You feel so much worse because of your feelings for him. Dirty and wrong because you would have enjoyed the sex even without the drug. You know, deep down, it’s not your fault. You didn’t mean to knock the case over and you had no idea what was inside – not to mention you weren’t the one who forgot to latch it – but you can’t help but feel responsible for what happened and you wonder if Bucky feels the same. If he knows about your feelings and thinks you orchestrated the entire thing on purpose. You wouldn’t blame him if he did. And the rest of the team! If they don’t know already, they will soon enough. What if they blame you too? What if they’re disgusted by you? Anxiety spreads through your body from your pounding heart, filling your limbs. You can’t breathe, you can’t think. You feel boiling hot and ice cold all at once. Collapsing to your bedroom floor, you bring your hands to your thighs, digging your fingernails into the skin. The sharp pain distracts you from the heavy panic flooding your body enough to let you focus on breathing in, then out, repeating the words in your head until you feel your heart rate settle, the panic easing a little. You pull yourself up off the floor and push yourself through the motions of getting ready for bed. The intrusive thoughts are still there (everyone hates you. You’re going to lose your job. Are you sure you didn’t do it on purpose?) but you try to ignore them. There’s nothing you can do about anything right now and thinking yourself into a panic attack won’t do any good. You turn on an old episode of your favourite show and get in bed, tugging the covers up to your neck and focusing on the screen, allowing the familiar storylines to dull the intensity of your thoughts until you finally fall asleep. A/N: And that’s the end of Part 1! Thanks for reading and feel free to like, comment, and/or reblog and let me know what you thought! I spent a truly ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out the whole sex pollen aspect and I’m still not totally happy with it hahah but I hope it doesn’t seem too shoe-horned in 😝 Anything else that you’d like to see tagged/warned for, let me know!!

#bucky barnes x reader #reader insert #mcu #mcu fanfiction #marvel #marvel fanfiction #bucky barnes #smut #series

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wasalwaysagreatpickle · 4 years

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Thursday 7 August 1828

5 40/60

The mail not starting from our house this morning, off to the Bush at 6 1/2 – paid my fare (by the way imposed on – inconsequence of opposition, the fare reduced from 20/. [shillings] to 16/. [shillings] as confessed by the Landlord at Selkirk; but, said he, passengers forwarded from Liverpool still pay 20/. [shillings], and if a place is secured the night before, they make you pay additional (nonsense!) – they [cutely] made me pay 20/. [shillings] thinking me a stranger and that I should not find it out) – mounted behind the coachman – sat waiting above 1/4 hour, and off at 6 3/4 –

Fine rich well-wooded country – capital road – 6 miles from Carlisle, cross the small river line and here begins Sir James Graham’s property, and extends 4 miles beyond Longtown i.e. as far as we have to go in England – 8 miles from Carlisle the nice, neat, large, old village church, the nice small village (1/2 dozen houses?), and the very pretty wood-hidden parsonage of Arthuret (reverend Fergus Graham, uncle to Sir James Graham) –

Change horses at Longtown (good little brick town) at 7 35/60 in 4 minutes – on driving along the town, look down upon Sir James’ prettily wooded farm houses – at the end of the town pass narrow 5 arch stone bridge over the broad gravelly bedded Esk rather low just now, but a good river – cross it 4 times this ‘beautiful stage, said our coachman – at 7 3/4 turn right, and see (right distant) among fine woods croft head a largeish white house where the present Sir James lived during his father’s life – Esk close, right - at 7 55/60 (11 miles from Carlisle) apparently in front of Netherby Hall, at a considerable distance right, large white house, among fine and extensive woods – ‘beautiful place’ (said the coachman) ‘but fronts the tother way’ –

Several stooks of barley cut, (the 1st corn cut save the oats going to Dumfries on Monday and hay in cock here, and nearer Carlisle in Swathe – at 8 two turnpikes very near together, and better than a little ditch that parts England and Scotland, and here begins the duke of Bucleugh’s property – we go 30 miles in his estate which reaches to Hawick – great many [?] houses by the way – all belong to the duke –

At 8 10/60 very pretty, picturesque, wooded, white village of [Gannaby] (as pronounced) – good, new church little distance right – broad gravel-bedded Esk just below us right, and cross 3 arch-bridge over it – water very low now – beautiful here – at 8 25/60 little village of Car-saddle, white straw thatched and some blue slated cottages – (as prounounced) – river below – rocky bed – wooded banks, with large high 1 arch-bridge which we cross – very beautiful at a short distance (right) Glenochy castle Johnny Armstrong – square tower with the 2 high gables of the ruined roof still standing at the top – 20 minutes through a wood (some fine picturesque Swiss firs in it, with some good larches here and there – how infinitely the best of the fir-tribe and the Swiss fir!), and at 8 3/4 cross the Esk again (2 arch-bridge) pass a whiskey-distillery, and at 8 53/60 enter the neat little town of Langholm – ‘Tis certainly a ‘beautiful’ richly wooded drive from Longtown to Langholm – well satisfied to have come –

Changing horses or watering generously take 5 minutes – off from Langholm at 8 57/60 – Langholm lodge (the duke’s shooting box – he sometimes comes to shoot) near the town, [if] the [valley] (left) – From Langholm go along Ewesdale unlived by here and there a white farm house or cottage – the Ewes (close, right) a small stream running along the foot of the green, high, rounded topped very occasionally rather heathery Lillip Hills –

At 9 50/60 turn left into Moss fall glen – very fine and very beautiful, green glen, or pass – just wide enough for the road and the Throstleybird burn (right) – ‘tis 2 fine ranges of the Lillup hills that form this short but fine glen – at moss fall house (very neat yellow-washed – little Inn – lone house) at 10 – fine and sunshiny – the glen widens out a little here – the stables in Dumfriesshire – the house in Roxburghshire – this is the highest ground – from here the waters run different ways, and the Throstley burn ceases to run westwards, and runs Eastwardly - at 10 35/60 the Throstley burn falls into the Tiviot, and we henceforward proceed along the fine dale of Tiviot –

At 11 1/2 stop at the Tower Inn, Hawick, a good dark-coloured stone built town – market day – a cold collation laid out in the coffee room – 3 coffee room compartments in divisions – have not met with this before – not having had an[y] breakfast, sat down determined to make the best of the 1/4 hour allowed – had it all to myself – ate 1 1/2 leg of the fowl and some good new potatoes – much the better, and on the coach again (had had the box seat from Langholm), and off at 11 3/4 – at the end of the town cross narrow 3 arch stone bridge over the broad shallow Tiviot – then hilly road over high, plain, almost unenclosed ground all the way to Selkirk – at 12 1/4 view for a while of the Eildon hills see only 2 summits (the 3rd much lower and not seen I should suppose unless from near) vide Scotland tourist 309/415, at 12 1/2 little village, and cross (1 arch-bridge) the Ale-water, a small stream – descend up upon Selkirk, surrounded by plain hills, and at 1 10/60 alight at the Inn there and leave the mail – (it would reach Edinburgh between 4 and 5?) – It seems, I have little chance of getting the 4/. returned I paid too much for my place this morn[in]g – however the landlord here very civil – goodish little darkish-coloured stone built town –

Off at 1 40/60 for Melrose in a very uneasy though neat-looking gig – roughish old-paved road – the rather broadish shallow pretty Ettrick river below us, left – falls into the Tweed about 2 miles? below Selkirk – about 4 miles from Selkirk (left) Abbotsford, Sir Walter Scott – he built it by [degrees] – just below the house the Gala water falls into the Tweed – an irregular, old-style, castellated (label-windowed) sort of English manor-house – of dark coloured stone white corner-stones – the sort of castle-court gateway, too of white stone – curious sort of iron-rail gothic screen parts the garden from the court, yet allows it to be seen – a Tower at each of 3 of the corners of the house – 1 tower round, 1 square and 1 hexagon or octagon? – a large flag flying – the boy-driver knew not why – but ‘Sir Walter always had it flying on some days’ – walked down to the house, and looked at the outside for 5 minutes – the short approach road, a broad walk through a young plantation, rather shrubbery like at present – well wooded in the distance – [genteely] looking place – will not be seen from the road when the plantation gets up – fine valley – 1st view of Melrose abbey about 1/2 mile from Melrose – does not look well – the square tower low, too large, and smooth, and even looking – as if lately built – the rest of the ruin huddled on a heap – not at all picturesque as these seem in the distance – the red-shingle sided Eildon hills (right) fine –

Alight at the George Inn, Melrose, at 3 10/60 – somehow feel languid, rather lightheaded, and tired?

No motion this morning

Read the Scotland tourist – take 1/4 hour’s nap – had nodded and dozed every now and then as I came along this morning – not certainly a safe situation for so doing – go out at 4 1/2 to the abbey – a very nice woman shew it – her husband a man of genius, John Bower, had had a [draw], and could not come to me – very fine ruin – unquestionably finer than that at Elgin? – the finest far I have seen in Scotland, or anywhere? – vide Scotland tourist 306/415 et seq. – the carving ‘like lace-work’ is the curly leaf of the Scotch Kale, very beautiful on the capital of the great pillar at the head of the south side the nave – the woman asked me to her house to see her husband’s drawings – surprised to find him quite a self-taught artist – beautiful little pencil sketch (south east view – the best) of the abbey 9/. worth it – had sold almost all of any kind – bought a rough lithograph of this view, and ditto of abbotsford –

Came back to the Inn at 6 50/60 – would wait till they baked me some [ned] cakes (of flower and cream in the frying pan) – went out again – past the good new church handsome spire, the rest like a common methodist meeting house, as usual in Scotland – the body of the church of darkish-reddish stone ditto the tower up to the roof of the building – the spire part of white stone – curious, unpleasing effect – down to the new suspension bridge built by subscription of the inhabitants – opened 26 October 1826 – about 11 1/2 yards slope up to the pillars – each pillar about 2 yards by 2 feet – height I cannot guess – the bridge over the water (between the pillars) 98 yards long – 1 3/4 yard wide – very neat thing – pillars very neat – battlemented at the top – red sandstone – walked into the picturesque little wood [?] village of Gattonside –

Returned a different way into the town – and got back to the Inn at 7 3/4 – tea – the ned cakes very good – read Scotland tourist – speak to the landlord – send my luggage by the coach tomorrow to Jedburgh, and walk myself in order to see all by the way – settle accounts wrote out journal of today – all which had taken me till 12 – very fine day – though felt cold this morning till after Hawick – went to my room at 12 -

#anne lister #1828 #scotland #anne lister code breaker

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hudanhs-blog · 5 years

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Today it may be one of the biggest and most profitable luxury brands on the planet, a byword for indulgence from Beijing to Bond Street, but Louis Vuitton's origins are more humble, dating back to a young man who left home to make his living packing luggage for the great and the good in 19th-century Paris.

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Georges had been sent to school in Jersey to learn English and had already opened the company's first overseas store in London, at 289 Oxford Street. Unfortunately, the years have not been as kind to central London as they have to Paris, and while Louis Vuitton's first place of work is now one of the world's hippest stores, the original London space is a branch of the Garfunkel's restaurant chain. Sales in the Oxford Street store were disappointing, so a few years later a new store opened on New Bond Street, opposite where the Maison Louis Vuitton can be found today.

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hudfnsdj-blog · 5 years

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electricadrianaaa-blog · 6 years

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Checklist: The most important backpack stuff

You want to go backpacking, but what do you take with you? During your backpack trip you need other things than when you go on a sun holiday or city trip. How about a sleeping bag or a tent? Regardless of whether you travel for a few weeks or longer, with our tips and this backpack checklist you will have everything you need during your trip.

For the first time backpacking you need to do quite a lot of shopping. The advantage is that you can use these backpacks with every new trip. This way you don't have to worry about walking in your shoes the second time you bring them with you. Which gear you need is partly determined by your destination, but there are a number of things you need all over the world.

The most important backpack items

1. Identification and travel documents We don't have to tell you to bring your passport. A bank card is also essential, and a credit card can also be very useful. Don't forget to bring your driving licence and possibly an international driving licence. Other important travel documents are vaccination certificates, travel insurance documents, visas and your medical passport - you can request these from the GGD or your doctor. The most important documents can be conveniently stored in a travel wallet.

2. Luggage organizers and labels for your luggage With luggage organizers you can divide everything you take with you into handy bags or cases. Not only can you organize clothing, but also accessories such as toiletries and possibly the accessories of your camera. Luggage tags are not only useful during a flight or train ride, but also to recognize your backpack when it lies between several backpacks in a hostel.

3. Tent A tent is not only your bedroom during nights in the wilderness, it is also a piece of protection against the elements. Many backpackers set out with a two-person tent for that extra bit of space. These tents usually weigh between 1 and 2.5 kilos, but there are models that are even lighter. If you decide to travel from hostel to hostel, you could also backpack without a tent.

4. Backpack and daypack Backpacking is not called backpacking for nothing - you go out with a backpack. Just like tents, backpacks vary from very light to heavier sturdy models that allow you to comfortably carry more kilos. Don't forget to bring a 'daypack': a smaller backpack with the most important stuff for that day. So you don't have to carry your entire backpack with every activity.

5. Sleeping bag Your sleep is extremely important if you want to resume your journey fresh and fruity the next day. A good sleeping bag is probably the most expensive thing you buy for your trip, but if used properly it can last for years. Sleeping bags come in many shapes and sizes. From soft plush for cold regions like Scandinavia to a lightweight summer duvet for warm climates like South America. You can also buy a slim sleeping bag or a spacious sleeping bag. Our tip: don't save on your sleeping bag!

6. Sleeping mat After choosing your sleeping bag, it is to choose a sleeping mat. A sleeping mat is mainly meant to prevent your body from coming into contact with the cold ground. How well insulated a sleeping mat is is expressed in R, which stands for thermal resistance. The higher the R value, the more insulation the sleeping mat offers.

7. Jacket and possibly raincoat A good coat is indispensable during your trip. In warm climates, a light jacket can be enough to protect you from the weather and dirt. In colder climates, a good jacket is even more important. Unless you go backpacking through the desert, a raincoat is also an important piece of clothing to take along. Even if no rain is predicted, there is no harm in bringing at least a waterproof poncho. If you're going to spend a long time in heavy weather, a hard shell jacket can be a smart choice. These are made to protect you from severe weather like storms for a longer period of time. For most backpackers, however, a softshell jacket offers enough protection.

8. Walking shoes Bring good walking shoes and don't forget to walk in a few weeks before departure. Are you planning on walking a lot in a warm climate? Then you can also consider a pair of sturdy slippers such as Birkenstocks. They won't replace your walking shoes, but it can be very nice to let your feet air without bothering your feet or back.

9. Pocket knife A good pocket knife is indispensable during backpacking. So you always have a serrated knife, nail scissors, bottle opener and much more within reach!

10. Garbage bag One of the best tips we've ever had: take a garbage bag with you. A garbage bag takes up almost no space, and always comes in handy. You can use it to sit on when the ground is wet or to store wet clothes.

11. Sunglasses Sunglasses come in handy in every climate. Make sure you bring good sunglasses with UV protection, so that the eyes and skin around your eyes do not get irritated if you spend a longer period of time in the bright sun. Also bring a sturdy storage bag, so your sunglasses won't be damaged if they're wandering around somewhere in your backpack.

12. Sunscreen and aftersun In warmer climates, sunburn and aftersun are essential. If too much skin is burnt, it can make you sick, and if it burns heavily, even blisters can appear on the skin. Instead of aftersun, you can also use a wet cloth to cool the skin when burned.

13. Neck cushion Especially if you get on the plane several times a month during your trip, a nap can be a good way to shorten the journey. Domestic flights in countries like Australia can just take a few hours. There is also a chance that you will have to bridge a night during your outward or return journey. A neck cushion is not a luxury if you want to sleep in a hare while flying!

14. Health kit Think of a first aid kit, which you can supplement with a strip of paracetamol and diarrhoea inhibitors. Don't forget to bring anti-mosquito spray or pest repellent. To prevent dehydration in case of diarrhoea or nausea, you may want to take ORS with you. With this you can quickly fill a lack of water, sugars and salt.

15. Toiletries Besides a well-equipped first aid kit, the standard toiletries are also a must during your backpack trip. Think of a (new) toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, shower gel, body wipes and hand-disinfectant. Tweezers can also be very useful if they are not on your Swiss pocket knife. Don't forget to bring a sturdy toiletry bag to store everything. Do you wear lenses or glasses? To be on the safe side, bring along reserves

16. Cap In many places in the world it can cool down considerably at night. A hat can be very comfortable while sitting under a clear starry sky around a campfire. If you quickly get cold hands or travel to a colder climate, gloves are also indispensable.

17. World plug, socket and power bank By bringing a world plug and socket, you can charge all your devices with one world plug. You simply plug your devices into the Dutch socket, which you can power anywhere in the world thanks to a world plug. Are you away from a power outlet for a longer period of time? Then take a power bank with you on a trip!

18. Camera During your trip you want to capture the most beautiful beaches and places of course. Nowadays we all have a camera with us on our smartphone. Whether you need a camera depends mainly on the quality of your smartphone camera and how important it is to you. Even the most expensive smartphones can't compete with the sharpness and clarity of even a simple compact camera, but it's an extra accessory to take with you.

A single camera is usually better at taking pictures in dark environments. Are you going to a region with clear skies and lots of sunlight? Then a smartphone camera is a great way to take photos for a photo book. Do you also want to take photos in the evening or capture the northern lights on the sensitive image? Then a separate camera may be worth considering.

19. Cooker Whether you need cooking utensils depends very much on your way of travelling. For example, if you travel from hostel to hostel in Southeast Asia, you can go to cheap local eateries where you can eat well. If you go backpacking in Scandinavia, a camping stove can be indispensable. These vary from small compact for a quick snack (some weigh less than 2 grams) to robust and powerful for a whole meal. Important considerations are the type of edge fabric and the design of the cooker.

Think carefully about what you are going to prepare on the way. Will you only use it for quick meals and alternate with local eateries? Do you want to be able to make coffee on the go? You can eat warm meals directly from the packaging, but for ingredients you need a pan again. Make sure you buy it separately or it's an all-in-one system. Don't forget to bring a lighter and cutlery!

20. Snacks Meals are important, but snacks are just as important! During a trip in the jungle a biscuit or cracker can give you just that little bit of energy to get through the afternoon in a good mood. Because it is dried, it can also be kept for a very long time. Make sure you don't take too salty cookies, because that only makes you thirsty. Fortunately, healthy snacks have become more and more popular in recent years, so there is plenty of choice for a delicious snack during your trip.

21. Water bottle and water filter Water is essential during your trip or activity. You can bring a traditional drinking bottle, but there are also special bottles with hoses with which you can drink while walking. Make sure that your plastic water bottle is BPA-free and that thermos are made of stainless steel. By taking a water filter with you, you will always have clean drinking water nearby. Especially in areas where animal or human waste is dumped in nature, a water filter is not an unnecessary luxury. There are water filters that work with gravity, but there are also handy press filters with which you can quickly fill a bottle.

22. Headlight The latest and our favorite accessory is a headlamp. If you ever forget it, it won't happen to you a second time. When exploring caves or going on nightly trips, a strong headlamp is no luxury. Most backpackers, however, only need a simple headlamp of a few tens. Before buying, look at the number of lumens, (the amount of light the lamp can generate) and the battery life. Don't forget to bring extra batteries!

Other stuff

These are the most important things to take along, but of course there are plenty of other things you can take along. Think of a good book or headphones for music, but also lip balm if you quickly suffer from dry lips. Depending on how active you are during your adventure, you can also bring a hiking shirt, hiking pants and light jacket on long treks. In areas with little or no range, it can be useful to bring a compass or GPS for easy navigation. If you like to walk, a mini folding seat can also be a great accessory to take with you. It weighs almost nothing and is often so compact that it won't bother you if it hangs on your backpack or daypack. After a long walk to the top of that beautiful hill, the whole group will be jealous of your seat, while they have to sit with their backs in the wet grass.

#backpacking #countries #gear #equipment

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