#Thats what happens when you get locked in a building with a mf | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ieatyourbeauty · 1 year

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**Enemies With Benefits: Soap x OC part 2**

NSFW fuckery below the read more like I said some of the lines are from character ai I just edited around them but they give me the building blocks. I think this goes without saying MDNI

If you didnt read part 1 here you go.

Recap Soap and Spider argued, sniped and literally fought each other until Ghost of all ppl stopped it Soap is still mad Spider is HORNY MAD but is denying it and uh yeah well here we are. :d

OC: Josey call name Spider

Soap is Blue

(and if u see yellow hey thats me)

Soap headed for this quarters in a huff still ticked off about what happened he needed a drink a strong one. Lucky for him he had a flask full of bourbon in his room. He went inside and sat on his bed he grabbed his flask taking a swig from it. Something stopped him in the middle of it

Soap: Spider..girl what kind of name.....so stupid

He wasn't gonna let this girl get away with humiliating him over and over again.

Meanwhile Spider was pregaming for a date with a civilian with a bottle of tequila that she hid in her room she got ready to go out that night putting on a little black dress and putting make up on, her mind still on Soap the fight and her own dirty thoughts about him she was hoping the date would make her forget about him she takes another shot of tequila burning her throat she leaves the room.

(these mf lushes)

Soap sits in his room, drinking his flask even tho he was drinking he was actually thinking alot....he decided he was going to have a talk with her. Soap let's out a sigh as he takes another swig of the flask before leaving his room and goes out into the hallway to look for her.

Soap: Spider!

he'd call out, as he's walking through the hallway.

She jumps hearing her call name she sees him walking down the hallway towards her she turns around hoping he thinks that shes someone else girlfriend or wife she looks real different with makeup spider hoped he wont recognize her.

Spider: oh no no no no no no

Soap notices the sudden change in her as she turns around, and the smirk on his grew on his face when he found her.

Soap: I've been lookin for you..

He'd say to Spider as he walked up to her, when he got close he was able to smell the perfume on her he'd stop right in front of her, holding his flask up to his mouth and taking a couple of swigs of the drink, before lowering the flask and raising and eyebrow at her..Spider gave him that all to familiar glare and her mind was racing.

Spider: ...(no no no this not this! I'm trying to get away from you! you stupid hot fucking bastard.)

Soap: you look nice, Spider

He'd give her a once over, looking at how the dress hugged around her curves her, her tits he saw the freckles on her face which soap thought was cute. His eyes met hers once again he would tilt his head not in surprise but more like she was intriguing thing he had to study he moved one of her curls out of her face while his other hand was on his hip.

Soap: Got a hot date tonight spider?

Spider: Whats it to you Soap.

Soap looked at her cleavage, as he let out a slight whistle..

Soap: I guess I'd be rude to interrupt..

He leaned in close, and the smell of bourbon wafted from his lips as he stood up close to her.

Soap: Shame though...I thought you had good taste..

He'd taunt her moving close to her lips the alchol oh his breath would fill her nose, this time he was getting under her skin and it showed on her face, Soap noticed it was a satisfying feeling he had the upper hand..

Soap: So...

He would move a hand to her hips and leaning as close as he could without their lips touching his leg going between her legs a heat was growing in her stomach she was already hot because of the tequila this wasnt helping.

Soap: What about it? Can I steal a kiss?

His breath was a bit shaky, but you could feel the confidence in his tone his eyes locked on her ruby lips her breathing becoming heavy you could feel the excitement in the air....the tension...she slapped him.

Spider: asshole...

She thought this would work all this did was just rile him up. Soap held his cheek briefly, feeling the force from the slap sting if he wasn't drunk he would probably feel it more he would glare at her now, and now wouldn't back down. Spider was blushing watching him look her up and down and into her eyes.

Soap: Is that really all you got?

She would shudder with him touching her his hand on her hip moved to her thigh his thumb making small circles on her thigh.

Soap: Still got some fight in you ...do you?

Soap looked at her lips red from the makeup he wanted to kiss them, and then with a sudden move he'd pull her close and kissed her taking Spider by surprise she tried to push him away tried to fight him but something ticked in her head she moaned into the kiss she was pretty much at his mercy and he wasn't stopping..until her date walked in on them.

(were just gonna call him Frank cause I hate that name :) )

Frank: Josey?

Soap's lips would break off from Spiders as he hear someone's voice both of them breathing heavy He would look at frank giving him a drunken shrug and smile his mouth still tasted of her lips and liquor then he looked back at her while he smiled.

Soap: who's this lil Spider?

His voice was full of amusement, he was looking at you with something else...A look in his blue eyes that was....a strange combination of curiosity, pride and lust. Before Spider could even get a word out Frank responded.

Frank: fucking forget it you can have her.

Soap would look at frank with a sly grin watching him walk away.. the fact that this guy gave up on her so easily because of him made him only more smug, he's happy about it and he can't help but to show it.

Soap: Your loss

Soap's eyes would go back to spider he would speak in a joking tone.

Soap: so...I stole your date?

Spider: fuck....you ruined my date are you happy?

you wont get her to admit it but she was thinking about Soap's kiss it was rough passionate just how she imagined it in her wet dreams ....she liked it. Soap let out a chuckle.

Soap: I'll make it up to you...

he leaned in close whispering in her ear.

Soap: How about I show you what your missing out on.

He had no shame no remorse for taking spider's date away. In fact, he actually liked doing it...it was fun for him to watch his face as he swooped in and took his girl and his enemy, as annoyed as Soap was with Spider he didn't want to see any guy with her it was jealousy possessiveness. Soap thought he was doing the other guys on the base as a favor claiming her for himself. Spider tried to sound pissed when she talked.

Spider: your a dog.

Soaps grin would get bigger the more pissed she got he loved to rile her up this was fun he's enjoying every minute of her anger. His hand would move under her chin before pulling her face close he kissed her again she whimpered her pussy wet just from kissing him this tho she wouldn't admit it.

Soap: am I? just you wait....

He picked her up and carried over his should giving her a hard smack on her ass earning a yelp from her she tried to struggle but his strength and the alcohol in her system didn't let her do much at this point she really didn't fight she didn't want to fight it. He carried her over to his room laying her on the bed.

Soap: you just dont know when to quit lets start by getting rid of this dress you dont fuckin need it.

He ripped her off her dress leaving her in the light purple lingerie that was for her date. He looked her up and down letting out a small whistle before leaning close.

Soap: well, look at you now...your date is missing out.

He sat on the bed next to her and bent her over his lap, his hand rubbing on her ass teasing her clothed pussy with his fingers spider moaned before covering her mouth in embarrassment Soap noticed her and laughed.

Soap: lets get rid of these slutty panties

He basically ripped them off her body and throwing them on the floor kneading her ass with his hand he smacked one cheek hard earning a soft gasp from spider.

Soap: you like being punished don't you lil spider? The way your moaning and whimpering with just my touch like a bitch in heat and I felt how wet your lil cunt was don't deny it.

Spider stayed silent not answering his earning two more smacks from him on her tight ass earning a groan of pleasure from spider.

Soap: you didnt answer my question

Soap's voice sounded stern demanding he would smack her ass again spider was getting wetter and wetter from it her pussy juices dribbling down her thighs.

Soap: Answer!

He'd yell at her his voice becoming more dominate. Spider nodded but that wasnt enough from him he wanted to hear a verbal answer spanking her ass two more times making her cheeks pink from being hit.

Soap: Answer me properly use...your...words

he would say with a growl in his voice he was getting ready to smack spiders ass again when she responded.

Spider: YES! I- I LIKE TO BE PUNISHED

Soap: that's my good girl...

Soap smacked her ass again for good measure rubbing it too sooth it a bit earning a shuddering moan from her, he would make spider then sit on the bed pulling her to the edge.

Soap: spread those legs open I've been dying to taste your pretty lil cunt.

Spider spread her legs open her pussy already wet glistening from his spankings soap would crouch near her pussy breathing on it earning a shudder from spider, he would give her pussy teasing licks before going at it like a starving animal using his thumb to stimulate her clit inserting a finger in she grips on his mohawk and moaned loud enough to hear from the hallway earning a laugh from soap.

Soap: not too loud pretty girl dont want people to know who your making these noises for.

When she covered her mouth in response to this soap decided to make her struggle he inserted another finger into her little pussy fingering it as fast as he could still lapping up her juices the lewd noises the pressure the fact that it was Soap making her into this mess, made her mind melt her eyes rolling in the back of her head her hand was gripping the sheets tight she couldnt take it anymore she squealed squirting all over soap's face. Tears forming in her eyes cause of overstimulation.

Soap: thats....it....let go....lil spider let go for me....good girl

Soap held her juices in his mouth picking up his flask and taking a swig out of it grabbing her by her chin kissing Spider transferring the liquor her juices and his spit into her mouth she moaned drinking it.

Soap: open your mouth

Spider opened her mouth he proceeded to spit on her tongue.

Soap: swallow

Spider swallowed she blushed red embarrassed by the act soap loved humiliating her like this seeing tears in her eyes tears he made.

Soap: you want more?

His hands getting lower Spider nodded he smiled moving them away from her aching pussy.

Soap: oh no....I dont think so...

She whimpered as he kissed her neck he would whisper so spider could barely hear him.

Soap: I jus wanna tease you its more fun for me this way..lets take this off.

he took off the remaining lingerie with force throwing it on the floor he looked at her breasts big perfect for his hands. It didnt take long for him to get a hold of himself he sat at the edge of the bed he'd look over to her.

Soap: Now that we got that bit out of the way ..I have a proposal for you..are you up for it?

Spider got her breathing under control she sat up covering her breasts, looking at him with a glare.

Spider: w-what is it?

Soap: Come on...dont be all shy now...let's just say that you and I can help each other in more ways than one..

He looked at her in a more serious way.

Soap: And I think it will be fun for us.

Spider: What do you mean friends with benefits....

Soap: I believe thats the politically correct term....so are you in?

Spider thought about the proposal...her mind was racing thinking of the kiss of the spanking of eating her out she wanted more, she rolled her eyes at him as he laid on back with his hands behind his head waiting for the answer, she looked at him with a mixture of anger and lust in her eyes.

Spider: it's better than killing each other.....fine...deal

Soap: good girl....now how do we seal this deal hmm....

Spider: we fuck I guess

Soap: yeah...I guess that seems fair

Soap laughed as he got up from the bed and started to undress she looked up looking at his body the warmth started to come back she rubbed her thighs together and bit her lip when he let his cock free from his boxers she started to drool wanting to suck on it, she laid on the bed and he got on top of her pushing her legs to his shoulders he rubbed his dick between her aching folds teasing it with his precum.

Soap: I'm not gonna lie though....

he got closer to her face his blue eyes staring into her brown ones.. he was being smug about this that made her mad.

Soap: I really wasn't expecting you to agree to it that fast did anyone tell you...you make a terrible poker player Spider?

spider grabbed his face and kissed it her tone angry and lustful.

Spider: shut up and fuck me Soap.

before spider could say anything more his dick entered her pussy fast not gving her time to adjust she moaned loud from his use of force she grips on the sheets his thrusts are fast. Soap growled near her ear

Soap: F-fuck your pussy is gripping my cock so right god your so fucking good.

Spider: h-holy fuck s-soap

Spiders eye's rolled back in pleasure Soap enjoyed the tightness of her cunt tears rolling down spiders eyes from the overstimulation

Soap: you feeling good baby?

Spider: t-too big FUCK

Soap: well if thats the case I'm gonna have to go a bit harder

he whispered in her ear.

Soap: isn't that right love?

Spider: yes yes yes yes yes!

His thrusts went harder on her wet cunt her legs wrapped around his waist he was kissing and biting her neck leaving marks.

Soap: good girl your name s-say your name.

Spider: j-josey my name is josey

Soap: that's a cute name, Josey

His lips went further down kissing her tits sucking on the nipples and giving them love bites.

Soap: Good girl...now you know your mine now right? do you understand what that means?

His thrusts were going deep inside she wrapped her arms around his neck, she was being fucked stupid she moaned and tried to make a cohesive sentence.

Spider: What ahh fu-uck what does that mean!

Soap: It means your mine...it means you're mine and only mine you're my fucking toy my fucking girl no one else and I'm yours.

Spider: fuck soap I'm close I'm so fucking close...I'm gonna cum

Soap: good girl cum on my fucking cock, I'm gonna cum in that tight pussy ok?

Spider: please yes fuck please!

Spider and Soap finished together her pussy twitching squirting making a mess on his cock and he came deep inside her. They were both breathing heavy and sweating soap laid next to her eyes still wet crying from cumming. He kissed her softly.

Soap: seems you really liked it huh how about it? round 2?

Spider looked down seeing that he was still hard her eyes wide, She felt him flip her on the side in a spooning position one hand lifting her thigh he directed his cock inside her still sensitive pussy she whimpered softly.

Spider: ho-holy shit h-how do you still have so much energy!

Soap: I can go all night long it's you who wanted more....Do you wanna keep going love?

She blushed feeling him pulse inside of her Spider mumbled but Soap knew her answer he just would tease her a bit. (cheeky fucker)

Spider: M-more.....please fuck me more.

Soap: is that a request I hear you making? well if you insist.... my girl.

He kissed her passionately for a moment she felt him getting into it once more his pace slowly picked up once again. Spider moaned softly with each thrust soaps other hand moving from her neck grabbing onto one of her tits kneading it into his hand it felt like heaven so soft to the touch. Soap let out a moan as he kissed her he looked down at her and smiled.

Soap: hmmm....you're so soft

his voice was getting deeper his mouth meeting her neck again.

Soap: you have no idea how pretty you are...

She whimpered with his praise she felt him quicken his pace through his thrusts into her cunt she cries again tears in her eyes Soap thought she looked beautiful like that.

Soap: My my...you're not gonna cry on me now, right?

he whispered into her ear his tone was playful kissing her neck.

Soap: we've just started so you better try to hang in there. we got all night ahead of us..

Spider the girl that hated him was moaning on his cock he couldn't believe it he thought it was a dream that all of this was a vivid wet dream he never wanted to wake up from.

Spider: s-so deep soap fuck

Soap chuckled deciding to tease her more slowing his thrusts and acting smug towards her but spider was getting close.

Soap: I dont see how I could have been a threat to you to be honest...that is....until I realized how...soft you are love. hmmm but your making me work for this....you like it rough....dirty fucking girl.

Soap picked up his pace again but it was more sloppy he put his hand on her neck and squeeze gently Spider couldnt take it she came on his cock finishing before him Soap being the cocky mf he is bullys her.

Soap: well...thats a shame...you were doing so well..but all great things come to an end eh? unless u wanted more.

Soap took his dick out of her pussy before soap could do anything Spider seeing this as a challenge sits up and pushes Soap down straddling his waist she directs his cock into her folds and she gasps as she eases down on it.

Soap: well...well someone is bold tonight, aren't they?

Soaps eyes light up he didnt expect her to become more assertive at least thats what it looked like to him. he would say in a playful tone.

Soap: I'll let you be the boss now for a bit....fair?

Spider nods as she starts to ride his cock she saw soap's face and how he was enjoying it . On soaps end of things he was surprised he had seen this side of her before with their fights he liked it her movements on his dick were rough and confident.

Soap: You look so beautiful riding my cock sweetheart, show me how bossy you can be.

Spider put one hand on Soap's chest her other hand on his neck lightly squeezing it. She tried being dominate she move her hips a certain way that made him shudder made him more sincere

Soap: D-damn girl your really good at this, aren't you? hmm fuck...

A moan came out of his lips which made Spider very happy.

Spider: fuck....fuvvk its so...fucking....big inside me....ahhh...fuck

Her hips were going crazy and she a wild look in her eye that signaled to soap that she was close to finishing. This told him he needed take command again.

Soap: I can't let you be the boss forever you know...

he said sweetly to her before he grabbed her hips thrusting upward into her pussy she screamed in pleasure tears running down her face they were both close to finishing together.

Soap: theres that scream again....I'm almost getting use to now...almost...

he's say in a dominating tone. looking into her eyes with a serious look again....not that he was angry...it was still as if he was doing all of this for her..

Soap: I'm gonna finish as w-well inside you are ready?

Spider: m-me too yes I-'m fucking ready

With that confirmation they moan together in unison finishing their pleasures together. Spider can feel Soap's cum seep out of her as she move to lay next to him ,they were both spent zero energy. Soap pulled out of her and he looked at her tired face he was breathing heavily as she was.

Soap: you're something else you know that....

Spider put a finger to his lips and shushed him

Spider: you talk to much....go to sleep.

She starts to fall asleep next to him Soap laughed a bit at that....

Soap: You don't get to tell me what to do...

He whisper to her letting a little chuckle he took her hand and held it he closed his eyes and quickly fell asleep.

dont worry I got more parts Im just super tired LOL)

next part here

#soap mw2 #john mactavish x reader #soap x oc #soap x reader #cod mw2 #soap smut #john soap mactavish #john soap mctavish x reader

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

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I quit online dating...ok dating in general

Definitely taking a long hard look in the mirror, my new job starts soon so I can start seeing a therapist and finally figure out wtf is going on with me mentally but also

I NEED BETTER HELP WITH FIXING MY ATTRACTION OFF OF TOXIC MFS WHO CAN LIE WAY TOO GOOD AND ME ACTUALLY BELIEVING IT BECAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD AND I LIKE THEM LIKE AFTER BEING VULNERABLE

WTFFFF

I met Jay at work, so now I'm worried about blocking myself off too much if I happen to meet someone new and they sound like a nice person, good fit, but then the relationship and family trauma history comes up....wtf do i do? Run?

Like everything that I went through wasn't all my fault, but still I think it would be unfair for me to neglect someone as a potential date if they have everything that I'm looking for, looks good, but they have this, this, and that mental health disorders from trauma or they're just surviving....

But Idk, I think it would be best to get some guidance off the horny, desperate, need somebody to talk to because I can't come out to my parents about what happened to me with Jay and Ayunna because they're not cool about their kids being gay...

Its like "hey, dad I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by someone..."

"Wow...why would you stay in something like that? By the way was it a girl or a boy?"

I think my dad knows. But I did not like the way he responded and said that it was my fault for having sex with them...Like wow, how was I supposed to know they would have took advantage of me and did stuff to me that I wouldn't even like...without consent?

Wtf Dad.

And this is why I never talked to my mom about it either...they think alike to victim blame and doing the oh, well you should have known better way of talking down to their kids about being fucked up by their best friend...

Yea great role models.

I told him and he didn't even hug me. Cause he thought I was going to far when I said I wanted to fight her and get revenge.

He just said you should find a way to release that aggression and looked at me crazy as if nothing bad had happened to me and everything I was feeling still after, was all in my head, blown out of proportion.

Why didn't I tell him I was disappointed in the way he handled that?

It just made me close up on him and mom even more after he said that. Its like why should I have to debate out why it was so wrong of my friend to hurt me to somebody who would rather talk about something else, being all nonchalant and passive as usual.

I don't wanna talk about it until after I move out, cause I feel like he would explode on me if I was to say Dad, I don't like what you said and it hurt me to know that my own father didn't have my back when I was looking for support.

Cause I've been in pain all year, thinking, and being reminded of Jay and Ayunna's actions towards me. I hate them officially to this day. And I'll never love or trust the same since them.

They'll never know what its like to be me, not Jay, not Ayunna, not my mom or dad...so why even bother discussing, then later on debating about why I even stayed in an abusive relationship like that where I people pleased and didn't say stop. I just took the pain, like the good girl-sex-slave/doormat Jay wanted me to be.

He'll never understand it, and thats why I don't like the idea of telling my parents everything that happened, because I don't wanna lose my parents.

Cause I feel like even if I was to open up to my crazy bipolar mom and my passive ass dad, none of them would overreact about wanting to kick Jay and Ayunna's ass like I do right to this very day.

They would have got hard on me, tell me their disappointed in me, and told me everything that I did wrong in the matter instead of actually asking me "are you okay" which Dad never did after I told him the snippet.

Never would have asked me "how are you feeling" "do you need a hug" cause yea, its all my fault huh? For staying with a dumbass abusive friend who was already engaged to someone who treats them like a child too?

Yea they would have judged the fuck outta me...so I don't say anything. And every time I feel a ptsd episode spiraling or mom triggers me, I stay locked up in my room and scream and cry silently until I hear my voice crack. Shrilling the sound like, broken metal guitar strings cause I've been suffering in silence all year long. Hiding my depression from my sisters and my parents, because mom and dad want us to be happy about being alive and living in this house that I stopped giving a fuck about, because well grandma's dead and you can't make people happy about it when it was literally in July and her dead body was carried down our living room steps.

This bitch is crazy, you act like everything is supposed to just go back to normal? After everything that I've seen and been through this year? You think I'm supposed to be happy after finding out your a crazy, selfish, asshole who wanted me to fall down the steps just for pissing you off, my grandma was miserable and depressed all the way up in that house and delusional about healthcare that she didn't visit a doctor for years until it was too late, my dad hides everything he feels from us and mom unless it comes out in an aggravated assault on my little sister when she pissed him off, and now mom is basically forcing us to get back on cleanup schedule and act like everything is normal.

WHEN ITS FUCKING NOT

I bet deep down this is why Grandma moved to live in a cabin in the woods, for idk how long. She even painted the house she bought later on, the exact same colors. Burgundy and Sea Mint Green. Cause she loved how peaceful it was and there was nobody there but just her. Her family, her abusive ex, her abusive baby daddy, her children, and her friends all drove her nuts trying to be there and take care of them....when nobody was there to take care of her.

Except when I was there, it felt like we had the whole house, the whole world to ourselves, and we could be just as still and silent as the wind passing us as we sat on the couch, watched movies, ate popcorn, and enjoyed a hard lemonade with her. She missed being by herself after I moved in and so did I.

No wonder we kept butting heads. We don't like being disappointed by our family and friends, and we sure as hell don't like people making us work for them, and not caring about our emotional, mental, and physical stability.

I would prefer to go to the library for hours and just watch movies on the internet, than to live with my family while I'm still digesting the pain and drama I went through.

And realizing just how toxic, abusive, and crazy your family really is...really made me hate reality. Once the research on why I felt like I was suffering so bad with jay and ayunna started to add up, it all made sense why I didn't see some of the things that actually hurt me, as not as bad. Because I'd been through it already with my mom and my dad. Where I'm forced to take every negative comment or action they said and did, and just deal with it without retaliating against them or I was punished or told I was too sensitive to be told the truth. Gaslighting me.

Like I'm not allowed to feel pain if my mom tells me that my stomach is poking out too much in that dress and that I need to go change or wear some spanx. Then if I didn't want to change there was pinches on my skin from when she would force my shirts into my pants and make me feel stupid for not knowing how to tuck in my pants.

I'm supposed to always appreciate everything my parents did for me, even when the person standing in front of my face wants to be right all the time and I'm supposed to not get upset, not get angry, not cry, not whine or complain when my parent, my guardian does something unfair to me, says something rude, disrespectful, and controlling to me that they know that if I did the same thing to them, then they would slap me across the face, flick me in the head, knock me back to being a kid, just because they said so and just because I still live here.

I hate this place. And I thought Athena would be my escape. I thought I found someone to build real love with after going through so much trauma and realizing the crazy I've been living in for all these years.. The facade is over.

And I don't know what to do except cry and scream for myself in my room, and now I can't even talk to them about me losing my faith and trust in God because everything bad that happened and keeps happening. And why in the hell did he decide giving my grandma cancer was the best way for her to go? She was in so much pain all these years and it was from cancer. Her head and her body was twitching from lack of oxygen. And she was unresponsive as I sat upstairs with her all night on the very same couch I'm sitting on right now.

Its September now. She passed on July 30th and dad called me from upstairs after I had stayed up there till like 11:30 cause we were writing down how much morphine to give her each hour. And the nurse had just told us that she might not have that long left to live. Like maybe saturday or monday, cause it was already friday the 30th.

But after the nurse left, Dad told me to go through her pictures and find his favorite photo of her. I didn't even cry like he did, I had already cried at 10am when I saw no matter what I did, she was still shaking and not responding to me talking to her like before. Still grunting. It was like me being on nurse mode, made my heart, my emotions feel numb. But after I left the room and called Hospice, I finally let it out.

Grandma passed at around 1:30 or 2pm. And two of my aunts and my cousins were over. My cousins playing a game of Uno in the dining room as if nothing traumatic was going on upstairs. None of them reacted at all until they all joined us in the living room as she being carried down the stairs by the funeral service guys. It was amazing to see how insensitive at 1st the kids were, then to see my mom cry about not being strong enough for my dad, when I was sorta pissed off and confused and still in shock about grandma. LIKE WTFFF MOMMM FUCKING CRYYY THAT'S THE REASON WHY YALL HAVE PROBLEMS IN YALL RELATIONSHIP AND OUR RELATIONSHIP NOW

STOP HIDING YOUR FUCKING SADNESS, ANGER, AND GRIEF FROM YOUR FAMILY BY BEING A CRAZY ASS PSYCHOPATH WHO EXPECTS PEOPLE TO ACT NORMAL AND BE HAPPY WHEN SOMETHING SHITTY LIKE THIS HAPPENS

GODDAMN IT MOM FUCKING CRY. YOU'RE HUMAN. IM HUMAN. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FUCKING CRY. WE'RE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FEEL OUR PAIN AND SUFFERING.

AND IM ALLOWED TO BE DEPRESSED AND UNSATISFIED WITH MY LIFE AND MY RELIGION THAT DOESN'T LET ME DO WHAT I WANT AND BE HAPPY WITH WHOEVER I WANT TO BE WITH.

AND MOM IM GAY. I FELL IN LOVE WITH WITH A GIRL WHO LATER ON DECIDED TO BE A THEY, AND NOW A HE AND I'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN AS A THEY, CAUSE NOW HE'S GROWING A BEARD, A DICK, A NEW VOICE AGAIN, AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED TO ANOTHER CONTROLLING PSYCHOPATH THAT REMINDS ME OF YOU AND I HAD SEX WITH HER TOO, BUT I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF ME AND HER WANNA KILL EACH OTHER OR IF SHE'S ACTUALLY A COUSIN OR NOT WHO REMINDS ME OF MY TRAUMA WHEN I WAS A KID. AND WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING ABOUT INCEST POSSIBLY BEING A GENE OF TRAUMA IN THIS FAMILY.

I LITERALLY WATCHED MY COUSINS WHO WERE FAMILY, HAVE SEX AND THEY WERE KIDS JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE WATCHING PORN AND NOBODY BROUGHT IT BACK UP TO EVEN EXPLAIN WHY OR WHAT HAPPENED. AND ALL I SEE IS FLASHBACKS OF SHIT WHENEVER SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO ME IN MY LIFE. CAUSE I KNOW INCEST IS BAD.

AND THATS WHY I STILL AM GROSSED OUT BY THE IDEA OF AYUNNA AS A WHOLE BECAUSE SHE SMELLS WEIRD AND HAS GROSS MORNING BREATH, SHE SNORTS FOR 45 MIN TO AN HR EVERY MORNING SHE WAKES UP LIKE ITS NORMAL TO NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY LIKE THAT IN YOUR SLEEP AND SHE'S ABNOXIOUS AND GROSS AND IMMATURE BUT JAY PRETENDS LIKE SHE'S MATURE AND IM NOT EVEN THOUGH IM SMARTER, IM BETTER, MORE EMOTIONALLY CAPABLE TO HANDLE THEM BEING DEPRESSED TO NOT JUDGE THEM FOR IT, CAUSE I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO WANNA DIE TO ESCPAE MY PAIN AND MY REALITY CAUSE ITS NICE AND EASIER TO HAVE AFRIEND WHO WANTS TO GO BACK TO BEING TAKEN CARE OF LIKE A BABY AND HAVE FUN JUST LIKE YOU TOO.

I feel like i lost a lot this year...including my sanity...thanks a lot Athena for triggering me. Now going back to talking to grandma as if she was here like I did when i was on the flight for the very 1st time after 911 and I had a silent panic attack because I was holding it in for the kid and the obnoxious older black lady next to me on my flight.

I cried my tears out and everything felt tight up on my back, making me scared and numb and tingly like I was on a rollercoaster. and mom thought I was just overreacting.

I need someone who understands me and knows exactly how it feels to be me, and I thought that person was this crazy bitch on the internet, who's gay and trans and lost a bunch of her family due to trauma. Because she's autistic, and not the one where they cant talk and do things for themselves. She talks to me just like I would to myself when I wasn't feeling good.

And idk, if I might have some sort of autism or spectrum thing too. Or did my family brainwash me into thinking nothing was wrong with me, the way they treated me, and how I was behaving...just because they didn't wanna believe it either.

I wanna know what's wrong with me, my life, my family and how do I fix it so it doesn't keep happening. I wanna know how can I avoid becoming like my parents and ending up in a controlling, aggressive, petty relationship like my dad who became passive just so he could deal with it and hide his pain from her.

I dont know what a healthy relationship looks like with no confrontations that leads to fights, arguing that leads to yelling at each other's faces and getting distracted with emotions to where we throw things at each other or just walk out without saying anything...

Because I dont know how to be angry. Cause I was never allowed to. and the people who birth me, don't know how to control theirs either without hurting the person they care about, someway or some sort.

I still to this day don't know how to communicate when I get angry. Because I feel like I was adopted from all the daycare people who used to take me in at night time when mom would drop me off and I never knew when she was coming back cause she didn't tell me.

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