Lady Cassidy's Lover
Summary: 1919 England, Emma Cassidy, wife of a baronet, finds herself trapped in a loveless marriage after the war leaves her husband, Neal, paralyzed from the waist down and unable to produce an heir.
Despite the obstacles, she sticks by her husband's side at Goldby Hall, his family's estate, but when she meets former army lieutenant and Neal's aloof gamekeeper, Killian Jones, she feels curiously drawn to his distant blue eyes and quiet demeanor.
At first, she seeks him out for reprieve from her soulless, mundane existence at Goldby Hall, but what starts out as purely physical quickly turns into more than either of them expects.
But Emma is a baronetess, wife of an aristocrat and Killian is a working class servant. Their love affair is frowned upon, and she risks losing her title, her wealth and her position in the world by being with him. But she is determined to get her happy ending with the man she loves. Even if it means losing everything else in the process.
A/N: Thank you everyone for all the lovely comments and feedback and for following along! There will 1 more chapter after this and possibly an epilogue.
Thank you Ultraluckycatnd for being an amazing beta reader!
Based on Lady Chatterley's Lover for @captainswanmoviemarathon
Hope you all enjoy!
Catch up: Ch 1 I Ch 2 I Ch 3 I Ch 4 I Ch 5 I Ch 6 I Ch 7 I Ch 8 I Ch 9 I Ch 10 I Ch 11 I Ch 12 I Epilogue
Chapter Eleven
The sisters check into a hotel on Pall Mall when they get to London and enjoy afternoon tea next to a fountain in the lounge. The table is set with a damask tablecloth, white bone china crockery, silver cutlery and delicate napkins.
They eat sandwiches and cakes and sip tea while they discuss their trip to Venice, listening to a pianist playing soft music at the grand piano. It’s only been a handful of hours since she left Killian, but she already misses him terribly. She tries not to let that affect their day, however. She is away from Goldby, away from Neal, spending time with her sister, and will soon see her father. So she should be happy about that. She is happy about that.
After paying the bill and leaving the lounge, their father shows up at the hotel and takes them to the opera. Truthfully, Emma has missed spending time with them and is reminded of her youth when they lived here in London. Though she wishes their mother could be here with them. Sir Leopold had remarried a few years ago to a woman named Regina, who is currently back at home where they live in Scotland. When he can spend time with his daughters, Sir Leopold cherishes the holidays he occasionally spends away from her.
Emma and Mary Margaret sleep at the hotel that night while their father stays at his club nearby, and the sisters wait for him in the lobby the next morning. Emma feels miserable today, partly because of how nauseous she is from being pregnant. The sweet scent of the flower arrangement adorning the table behind the couch they’re sitting on helps a little. Mostly, her sour mood is due to how resentful she is that Killian can’t be here with them. She wishes she didn’t have to make up some elaborate story about having an affair in Venice. She wishes she could just get a divorce from Neal and be together with Killian without having to worry about the consequences.
She hates being apart from him. One would think she'd be used to leaving Killian since she always had to be back at Goldby after spending time with him, but that has probably made leaving him for three weeks even more painful.
“For heaven’s sake, Emma! We’ll be in Venice tomorrow. Do you have to look so unhappy?
Emma looks over at her sister, her expression clouded with guilt. “I told Neal I’m having an affair in Venice.”
Mary Margaret eyes her in surprise, her mouth falling slightly open. “Why...why would you tell him that?”
“Because he wanted me to get pregnant by another man. He said he’d be glad to have an heir, even if the child isn’t his.”
Mary Margaret arches a brow. “Seriously?”
“Mmhmm.” Tears sting Emma’s eyes. “I don’t plan on having an affair in Venice, I only told him that so he wouldn’t know who the real father is.” She’ll be proud to have Killian’s child, though, and she wants to announce it to the world. If only it were that easy. “But I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this charade.”
Mary Margaret places a comforting hand on her arm. “It’s alright.”
“Keep up with what charade exactly?” Sir Leopold looks puzzled as he approaches them, his hands tucked into his pockets. “What’s happened?”
Emma sighs and looks down at the floor, hoping her father won’t be disappointed in her. “I’m in love with someone…who isn’t Neal. I’m going to have this man’s child.”
“You’re sure?” He doesn’t sound surprised, though. Almost relieved. “Do I know the man?”
“No.”
There’s a long pause. “And what are your plans?”
“Well, Neal told me he wouldn’t mind if I had a child, so long as I went about it discreetly.”
“Only sensible thing he could say under the circumstances. Then I suppose it’ll be alright.”
“In what way?” Emma looks up into her father’s eyes, which are big and green like her own.
“You can present Neal with an heir to all the Cassidys and put another baronet in Goldby.”
“But I don’t want that. I want a divorce from Neal.”
“Because of your feelings for this other man?”
She nods.
“Well, if you want my advice…”—He sighs and sits down next to her, and she knows what he's about to say—"I'm sorry, but you stand to gain very little by breaking things off. Feelings come and go. You may love one man this year and another the next, but the world will go on. Goldby will go on standing. Put a little baronet in Goldby and please yourself, but stick by Goldby. And Goldby will stick by you.”
Emma, of course, doesn’t at all like what her father has to say. She knows the feelings she has for Killian will never go away. She has never felt this strongly about anyone in her life. She has never loved anyone, and she loves Killian with her whole heart. When it comes to her feelings for him, there is no going; there is only coming and staying and growing. But at least he isn’t disappointed in her. In fact, he seems pleased she found another man. Like Mary Margaret, he never much cared for Neal, but he knew, as did Emma, Neal was a safe choice.
The telephone tinkles from the registration desk, and the room clerk answers it.
“Shall we go to Venice?” Sir Leopold stands, and his daughters follow suit, heading toward the exit, the bellboy carrying their luggage.
“Lady Cassidy?” The room clerk grabs her attention before they make it out the door.
“Yes?” Emma steps up to the desk, where the telephone sits, its earphone in the gentleman’s hand. “Someone wishes to speak to you, milady.”
Emma’s heart flitters with panic, her eyes widening as she looks at the man. The only people who know where she’s staying are the people at home in Goldby, as well as Killian, but he does not own a phone. And she told Johanna to write to her if there is any news. So if someone is calling, it must be an emergency.
She takes the earpiece from the clerk’s hand and holds it to her ear, speaking into the mouthpiece at the top of the long black stem. “Hello?”
“Oh, milady, thank goodness you’re still there. You told me to write with any news, but I’m afraid there’s not enough time for that.”
Emma’s body goes cold. What could have happened that there is no time for? Did something happen to Killian? To Neal? Emma assumes Johanna is using the phone at Goldby, based on the fact she’s whispering in a hushed tone. Emma never uses it much herself, she prefers writing letters. “Not enough time for what?”
~*~
There’s a giant knot of nerves in the pit of Killian’s stomach as he walks through the park, just as he has done so many times, wondering what Neal wants to speak to him about. He has mostly kept to himself since Emma left for Venice, only going into the forest to check on the pheasants and working in the hut, so he has no idea why Neal has called for him.
Johanna is already at the door to let him in when he arrives at Goldby.
“Mrs. Bolton,” he greets with a small smile.
“Good day, Mr. Jones.”
“I hear Sir Neal’s asking for me.”
She nods cordially. “Yes, he’s in his study.” She moves aside to let him in.
“Thank you.” Killian salutes her and heads inside.
“Mr. Jones?” she calls from behind him.
When he turns around to look at her, she peers at the ground.
“I called Her Ladyship, and she’s coming back.”
His brows furrow in confusion. Emma had just left yesterday, and she and her sister had planned a day in London and were to depart for Venice this afternoon. So why would she be coming back here to Goldby? Not that he’s distraught about it. In fact, his heart flutters in anticipation. He has already missed her sweet, smiling face, her sparkling green eyes and her wonderful giggle. “When?” he asks, not even bothering to hide his enthusiasm.
Johanna looks up at him, her face contrite. “This evening. As soon as she can get here.”
“How come?” On one hand, he is relieved she’s returning, for he didn’t know how he’d make it three weeks without her. On the other hand, he’s worried about why she felt the need to come back, and judging by Mrs. Bolton’s expression, he has an inkling it’s not good.
Her eyes are full of hesitance and gloom, like she doesn’t wish to tell him something but she knows she must. “I’m afraid Milah has told people in the tavern about you and Her Ladyship. My friends have informed me she came to your cottage to patch things up with you, and she found a book inscribed with Her Ladyship's name in it and a silk nightdress. I told them it was nonsense to jump to conclusions over a borrowed book, and the nightdress could've belonged to anyone, but it didn’t matter. The rumors had already been spread.”
Killian gulps, his face paling, the world suddenly spinning around him so fast, he feels nauseous. At the same time, anger spirals through him. Milah must have broken into his cottage yesterday when he’d gone for one of his walks with Jolly or when he was at the hut. “I take it that’s why Sir Neal wishes to see me?”
She nods, her eyes cast downward at the ground. “I’m afraid so. I overheard Sir Neal talking to Mr. Geppetto earlier today, so I called Your Ladyship right away to inform her. She said you could meet her at the hut and decide what to do.”
“Thank you for telling me, Mrs. Bolton.” He begins to turn around once more, but pauses to look back at her. “There’s…there’s dark days coming. Best to steer clear of it all.”
She nods as he turns around and heads inside, removing his hat. His heart hammers away in his chest as he goes to face Neal, wondering what he believes is the truth. But he, like everyone else, probably assumes what he heard is true, and he knows Killian had an affair with his wife, so he’s most likely about to get fired.
Killian knocks at the door of Neal’s study. He knew this would happen eventually, he knew he and Emma wouldn’t be able to hide it for too long, he just didn’t expect it would happen so soon.
“Come in,” Neal calls through the door.
Killian takes a deep breath, his heart lodged in his throat as he walks inside, closing the door behind him.
Neal is behind his desk, his hands joined together as he stares blankly at Killian, his expression unreadable.
Killian remembers the first time he stepped into this study after Neal became a baronet. Killian was so lost and hopeless and alone. He hated the world, especially Milah. He had no idea he’d fall in love with Neal’s wife, he had no idea Emma would give him reason to live again. And he doesn’t regret one second of it.
After a moment of studying him, looking him over, glaring at him, Neal finally speaks. “You are my servant, living upon my land at my sole discretion, and now your indecencies have become the subject of gossip.”
“Then you should shut the mouths of the gossips…”
Neal scowls at him, unamused. Killian imagines he wouldn't be either if he were in Neal's shoes. But Neal doesn’t seem to show any emotion at all, apart from annoyance. Like the affair and gossip are merely inconveniences he has to correct.
Neal always came off as the sort of man who only sees things and people as machines or the new technology of the twentieth century. Emma, his servants, a Goldby heir, the workers. He believes their mere existence is to make his life easier, and he finds no emotional attachment toward any of it. Not even his wife. He thinks he needs her. But he doesn’t. She’s a vice he likes to keep close, just like Killian is only a vice to Milah, whom she holds close.
“Are you aware Lady Cassidy’s name has been slandered?”
That, of course, is the last thing Killian wanted. He never intended for the word to get out like this. And he hates Milah even more than he already did. Though he also blames himself for starting anything with Emma in the first place.
“Apparently, her name was inscribed in a book found at your cottage.”
“I’ve got a picture of Queen Mary on my wall calendar, I suppose she’s in my harem as well.”
Neal’s nostrils flare, his face turning scarlet with anger. “I do not appreciate your sarcasm, Jones. You have until the end of today, after which time I never want to see you set foot on my land again. Do I make myself clear?”
“Oh, perfectly. I better get packing then.” He turns around and walks out the door. There are a million things he wants to say to Neal, like how he should’ve treated Emma better and made her happy. Maybe then she wouldn’t have found herself so lonely and in need of affection and companionship that she had to seek out one of Neal’s servants. But it’s best not to anger the man even more than he already has. If Emma’s on her way here, he wants to be able to see her when she arrives. So instead, he turns around, looks Neal straight in the eye and says the truest thing he can say without Neal having him escorted immediately off his land. "I'm sorry about how things turned out, I'm sorry Her Ladyship's name was slandered...but I'm not sorry about how I feel about her." He sucks in a breath and speaks very proudly and firmly. “I’m not sorry for loving her and showing her the love and tenderness she deserves. I will never apologize for that.”
Neal says nothing in return, just stews in silent vexation—his stare could burn a hole through Killian’s forehead—and with that, Killian turns around and walks out the door. At least the man has the capability of showing emotion—when he wants to, at least.
~*~
As soon as she ended the telephone connection with Johanna, Emma told her sister and father she couldn’t go to Venice. She had to go back home before Neal kicked Killian off his land. So her sister gave Emma the key to her car and told her to go. Mary Margaret and Father would go to Venice by train, as they had planned to do anyway. Emma just wouldn’t be going with them.
She takes her sister’s car and drives to Goldby as fast as she possibly can. Her heart is pounding the whole time as she wonders what will happen. Where will she and Killian go? Will Neal even let her leave? Will he grant her a divorce?
Emma knew she’d have to face these questions, she just didn’t think it would happen so quickly. Or like this. All because Milah had to spread rumors. Emma never liked what Milah did to Killian, and she has liked the dreadful woman even less since yesterday morning, when she came over to his cottage while they were in bed together. She almost ruined a perfectly good morning, tried to put her hands on him and tried to get back with him. It had Emma seething under the blankets. She had no doubt Killian would send her away.
As soon as Emma pulls up onto the lane-end, she jumps out of the car and runs through the forest, her heart hammering in her ear. She hopes Johanna got the message to him, and she hopes Killian is able to meet her in the hut. She knew the cottage would be too risky. People would be too nosy and try to see if Emma would show up. Hopefully, they won't go to the hut as well.
Emma dashes up the steps and bursts through the door, catching her breath as she sees Killian. They run into each other's arms, lips colliding so eagerly and passionately, tears streaming down her cheeks without effort. For a long moment, they just hold onto each other, lips latched, with no intention to let go. As though they’ve been apart for years rather than a day and a half.
He draws back and holds her face in his hands, regarding her with so much love, her heart swells. She wants to get lost in this moment, but reality crashes over them, and he breaks away from her to scan the outside and make sure no one is around.
Emma’s eyes roam the hut, and she spots his bag and jacket on the chair. When she looks back at Killian, his face is clouded over with worry. “What are you doing? Where are you going?”
He leans against the edge of the table, where they had made love many times.
This hut holds so many memories for them—it was where they had been together for the first time—but she fears this will be their last time in this hut. “Killian?”
“The cat is well and truly out of the bag now, Emma.” He sighs, his eyes meeting hers. “Everybody’s talking. I’ve been sacked. You cannot be seen here, Emma. You need to be in Venice.”
She shakes her head, a hopeful smile spreading over her lips. “But we could just leave together. Now.” This is their time to get away. Escape. From Neal, from Goldby. From all of it. They could live their lives the way they want. They could spend their days together in a house of their own, raising their child. Just the three of them. Or four or five, or however many children they decide to have.
But Killian doesn’t appear to be happy or hopeful about any of it. “Look at me. I have nothing to give you. I’ve no job, no home. I’ve no purpose in life. Nothing.”
She shakes her head. “Don’t say that. You are everything to me. I don’t need anything else. You and our child are all I need. All I’ll ever need.”
“Jones!” comes a voice from outside the hut.
Killian rushes over to the door, shuts it and locks it. Neal must have sent his men here to make sure Killian leaves.
“You need to go!” the man shouts impatiently.
Killian looks through the cracks of light between the panels, and Emma knows they don’t have much time.
She goes over to him and wraps her hands around the back of his neck. “Look at me.”
He turns toward her and cups her cheeks in his hands, his stormy blue eyes connecting with her green ones.
Her heart sags in her chest at the thought of leaving him again. “Promise me, promise me we’ll share our lives.”
“Aye,” he whispers, nuzzling her nose with his. “I promise, my love.” He closes his eyes, resting his forehead against hers. “When the time comes.” He whispers even softer, his words ghosting over her lips. “When the time comes.” He captures her lips, and Emma lets her eyes fall shut, savoring his taste, for she has no idea when she'll get to kiss him again. When she’ll get to touch him, hear his voice or see his sparkling blue eyes. The future is so unknown.
“Jones!” the man shouts through the door again.
Killian groans and grumbles as he turns around and cracks open the door. “Can I grab my coat, mate?”
Emma sniffles as more tears leak down her cheeks.
Killian shuts the door and goes to the chair, grabbing his bag and draping his coat over his arm. He closes the gap between them once more and touches her cheek with his free hand, his thumb wiping away a tear. This time his eyes are brighter, calmer and full of hope and promise. “I love you, Emma. I will always love you.” He brings his hand to her belly and kneels down, caressing her there. “I love you, baby,” he whispers against her dress, kissing her stomach gently. He rises and searches her eyes with his glistening ones as he rests his forehead against hers, his fingers grazing along her cheek. “I will find you,” he whispers. “Wherever you are, I will find you.” His words send a shiver down her spine.
It's one more promise before they part. And it gives her a shred of hope to hang onto. Knowing he will be trying to work his way back to her, knowing he won’t forget about her or the times they shared. Knowing he’ll do whatever it takes to reunite with her.
“I love you, Killian Jones.” Emma grabs his face and kisses him one last time before he’s forced to leave, her hands sliding into his thick hair and her heart sinking deeper and deeper as the seconds pass by.
Her eyes fall shut as tears stream down her face and mingle with the taste of him as she curls her fingers in his hair and keeps her lips there, holding him close, wanting this moment to last as long as possible. Wanting to stop time and keep him here, never letting him slip from her grasp. But she knows she has to.
She doesn’t even open her eyes until he’s heading through the door, looking back at her. She can’t find it within herself to say goodbye, she doesn’t want this to be goodbye. But when he closes the door, leaving her there all alone in the hut, it all becomes too real, and suddenly it feels like the room is a million times bigger and emptier and colder than it was a moment ago.
Emma knows she’ll see him again—she trusts him to find her. This isn't the last time she'll see him, but she's caught up in a wave of grief, and her heart hurts so badly it feels ripped in half.
She slides down to the floor, wrapping her arms around her legs and tucking them under her chin. Her body shudders violently, and suddenly, in an indrawn breath of silent sobbing, the tears come faster down her face. She buries her face in the crook of her arm and weeps, hoping she’ll see Killian again. Hoping she won’t have to be apart from him for long.
Hoping he’ll find her.
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