#The absolute joy I feel when I've been booped back!!!!!

[sketchy-tour]

!!!!!! I REACHED THE SCREAMING PART THATS SO MANY BOOPS WHAT HELLO???????? I WAS OUT AND ABOUT TODAY AND CAME BACK TO CARNAGE

[weebsinstash]

I WATCHED IT. YOURE SO RIGHT. Miguel would hold you down and rail you so good and if you struggled he’d threaten to bite you and put a baby in you WOW I can’t believe I left the theater pregnant!!!!! 8:30 showing, only adults watching, someone audibly moaned at a certain part

I've been experiencing something I'll dub Prompt Sluttiness where, I'll get an idea, and I'll really want to share it, and I wind up just sharing the concept and talking about it instead of actually writing, and I feel like it can be counter productive or that I actually have reached the point where I have to focus on tasks now

BUT ANYWAYS TO TURN AROUND AND DO IT AGAIN, I haven't watched either Spiderverse movie so I only know a handful of things, but like

I've been starting to hatch up a really specific idea that absolutely refuses to leave my head where, you know, Miguel is doing his thing running the Spider Society, minding his own business in Nueva York, and you know, either scouts or his computer or whatever is all "beep boop this alternate universe has a spiderman AND a spiderwoman? Actually one just died, womp" and Miguel decides, "well ok that sucks, better go check on that other spiderwoman since theres only one left and that universe needs a protector" and he gets there and it takes some time before he finds you clumsily swinging through the streets, clearly just getting a hold of your powers, and he just kind of, rolls his eyes. You're kind of a disaster, he better help you out before you get shot at by cops

But when he approaches you, the second you see his face out of the mask, all sense of color drains from yours. You're just a tearful, sniveling mess at the sight of him, barely forming sentences and looking up at him with big wide tortured eyes. And he tries to take you to his own Nueva York to "show you the ropes" and have you take some pointers from similar spiders, and maybe he even finds you a little creepy. You're relatively quiet but you can hold a decent conversation with everyone EXCEPT him, where you fight to avoid looking him in the eyes and you start tearing up at the slightest provocation and his Spidey Sense has caught you staring at him more than once. Why are you so weird?

But then you're sent back home and he can't help but wonder how you're doing, if you're still trying to train and improve, because you had been awfully anxious and reluctant about, something, he's not quite sure, he wasn't as hands-on with your case as maybe he should have been. And after a certain amount of time, maybe you were meant to report back but didn't, or he gets reports that there is tons of crime in your universe's city and you're suspiciously absent, not donning the mask at all, and he pulls up your address and goes to find you

Your apartment is barely kept together. Some surfaces have thick layers of dust, dishes in the sink, laundry unwashed. He's busy thinking in his head that you must be a pretty mediocre hero if you can't take care of yourself.

And he passes a framed picture that makes him pause, feeling his blood go cold. One of the only decent surfaces in the apartment has a collection of photographs and mementos, but what catches his eye the most was what was at the center. A photograph of two people looking like they're absolutely glowing with joy, and the man looks all too familiar, a silver urn with a name engraved besides it, and a sealed envelope. You had been in an apparently very intimate relationship with this universe's version of... him.

And suddenly his Spidey Sense goes off in that familiar feeling and he whips around and, there you are, hovering from around the corner, surprised and shocked he's in your apartment as your eyes drift from between him and the photographs and trinkets he's looking at. Suddenly he can understand all too well the pain in your face when you look at him. Miguel, YOUR Miguel, had been this universe's Spiderman that had died. And here you were, the one left behind

...one who's pregnant. Your clothing had been very baggy and unflattering when he had met you before and it was only a couple weeks at most, but now it's months and months later and you approach him with the roundest biggest baby bump and gently, oh so weakly tell him, he needs to leave, you can't see him right now, and you refuse to look him in the actual eyes as your face is coated with tears. His mask is down and you can barely glance up to see the way he suddenly can't stop looking at you, and you can't stand it. The sight of him is too upsetting. It brings back too many memories of what you've lost. You can't help but look at this man in front of you, who looks and sounds and SMELLS the same as your own beloved, and your heart aches, thinking how your Miguel never got to meet his baby, or even know what the sex was

And you open your quivering lips to ask him to leave again when he just. Slowly puts a hand on your big round tummy. And you can't bring yourself to stop him, thinking of how terribly you wished he was YOUR Miguel. And he looks at your face with those broken eyes and weeping heart and under his palm he feels your baby suddenly kick and his heart MELTS. He's crouching down to put his ear to your belly and you're just crying quietly at the sight, at how many countless nights you wished you could have this, how you could see and hear and talk to him again, and you sob at Miguel, even if it's a different one, clearly caring for, maybe even already loving, your unborn child

You open your mouth to tell him that you're sorry, you're so sorry you can be Spiderwoman right now, that you can't risk your baby, the only piece you have left of, him, but O'Hara stops you. He doesn't need to hear another word, he already understands and more. He's insistent on bringing you to HIS Nueva York, not just for your protection, but your baby's protection and wellbeing, too, and you really have nothing to lose since, you've already lost what was most important to you, and maybe there's more than just a little exploitation and manipulation of the fact your new mentor and "savior" just so happens to have every single pore and hair of the father of your baby

Part of you screams that it's wrong and you're betraying your former beloved when you and New Miguel start bonding and spending lots of time together, since he's always checking in on you when he isn't busy, always making sure you've had good hearty meals and all your cravings are met and, are your feet sore, do you have a headache, whatever you need, he's willing to get it for you. He's devoted, almost like, a husband, and there are times when he's speaking of the baby almost like he considers himself its father. You've caught him calling it "our baby" more than once

You even open that sealed envelope with him, that ultrasound of the pregnancy you never got to open with YOUR Miguel, the ultrasound that would have told you and your husband the sex of the baby. You swear he tears up every bit as much as you to see that it's going to be a little girl. He becomes clingy after that. He basically can't stand being apart from you. He's fussing over you all the time, but now, he's slowly becoming more aggressive towards others. Are your eggs a little too salty? He's snapping at a chef that too much sodium is bad for you and the baby. A Spider swings by, getting too close for his liking? Suddenly he's chokeslamming them against the nearest surface and raving about how they should know to be more careful, didn't they see that a pregnant woman is here?! What if they had knocked you over or hit your stomach?! Which wouldn't have been very likely with everyone's Spidey Sense but he's starting to become unreasonable when it comes to you

You see the signs and maybe you're afraid. You need to go home, to your REAL home, and get away from this man. As much as you wish he was, he isn't the Miguel you knew before, and maybe you're finding yourself starting to project and transfer some of that affection onto this new man, and you're not sure how to feel, whether to consider it real love or some unhealthy manifestation of trauma. The more aggressive he becomes, the more people he puts his hands on, the more you wonder, would he ever hurt YOU?

And the day comes where he catches you trying to sneak into his hideout and use his computer to send yourself back home and he's just got this barely contained quiet rage where he's speaking to you in near-whispers like it's taking everything he has to not be screaming. You flinch when he comes close and he doesn't like that, and softens, starting to try and talk to you, laced with all his theories and delusions. The hormones from the pregnancy are just making you more paranoid. It's good you want to protect your baby but it's SAFER for you here, don't you know? Oh, you're looking so scared and stressed, and that isn't good for you OR your baby, and you're torn between fear and some fucked up traumatized form of love to the point where you can't move away when he comes to separate you from the controls and ruins your plan.

And he'll rub your shoulders just like how you're used to and speak to you in such a sweet and caring voice as he sees, you're just scared, CLEARLY this is why it's so great and NECESSARY that he's looking out for you. Your resolve crumbles when he holds you and you take a deep sobbing breath of his personal scent and remember smelling this on the bedsheets when you woke up together with your old Miguel.

You're just crying and crying because you're not sure what to do and you feel the clothing around your neck being moved and, a prick, just ever so quick and gentle but you're still looking absolutely shocked and betrayed as Miguel pulls away, licking a little bit of blood off his lips.

"Don't be scared: my venom won't affect your pregnancy. I've already run the experiments to make sure."

And you're becoming paralyzed, the venom combining with your overwhelming panic as you're feeling your consciousness fading, knees wobbling as Miguel cradles you like a fragile, precious egg

"I would never hurt our baby like that. Just trust me. I'll take care of you both."

[manicplank]

(Modern tech Anon here, finally confident enough to ask with my account LMAO) For the non-human characters, what would their reaction be to suddenly being human? For those who are already human, what about their reactions to their now-human friends? (I may or may not be writing a story based on this very concept lol)

Hello former anon!

Suddenly being human! (This one is long so buckle up.)

Pepperman: He woke up feeling really weird. He looks in the mirror and screams loud enough to cause tsunamis. WHO IS THAT?? WHY IS HE COPYING EVERY MOVEMENT HE MAKES???!?!?! Oh, wait... Is that HIM?? Huh... He flexes his muscles and ends up staring at himself for hours. Niiiice. This gives him an idea! He makes a statue of his human greatness as well as a painting. He went out for a walk around the tower in his fanciest clothes. "See something you like?" People in the tower are SHOCKED. This weird strange pepper is now a handsome hunk of human! Pizzahead wants to "talk to him" in another room. (wink wink) Just kidding! He explains the anomaly situation and offers to change him back to normal, but Pepperman wants one day of being a human.

The Vigilante: He went to Noisette's Café in the morning to get his usual cup of hot, bitter black coffee. However, when he walked in, she screamed. He was incredibly confused. "WHO ARE YOU, MONSTER MAN," she yelled at him. "Noisette, it's me! Vigi! 'Member?" She screams again. He goes into the restroom and looks in the mirror. "HOLY CHEESUS CRUST IN HEAVEN! CALL THE PRIEST! I'VE BEEN CHANGED INTO A WEREHUMAN!!" He goes home and hides. He's absolutely terrified. The Noise busts in to see what Vigi did to Noisette and why she was crying. When The Noise saw him, he laughed and took a picture. He showed the ENTIRE tower, and The Vigilante was so embarrassed. Pizzahead came to the rescue. He explained that there's some sort of weird anomaly going around the tower that's been turning people into humans. He takes him back to the lab and turns him back to normal. Phew! That was scary.

The Noise: He woke up, used the bathroom, and went to go brush his teeth. As he did, he was staring himself in the mirror. Something looked... different. He couldn't quite put his finger on it. "Hey, Noisette? Can you come in here for a minute?" Noisette enters the room to see her boyfriend is suddenly taller with a smaller nose and normal ears. "Uh... Noisey," she clears her throat, "are you feeling okay? You look kind of weird..." He looks back in the mirror. Huh... That's strange... He looks... Human?? Whatever, he figures, it's too early for this shit. He tries to get ready for the day, but his clothes don't fit the same, especially not his costume. Noisette stares at him with conflict in her eyes. She's concerned that her boyfriend looks so different, but... He's kind of fine. Noise dresses himself in whatever clothes he can squeeze into and storms over to the lab. Pizzahead is shocked. The anomaly keeps moving from person to person. The Noise was pissed and damn near assaulted Pizzahead. Thankfully, Pizzahead threw him in a tube and turned him back to normal before he could throw a punch.

Noisette: After that whole fiasco with The Noise becoming human, she was ready to put everything behind and go to bed. However, when she wakes up in the morning, she looks in the mirror to find that the exact same thing happened to her! She screeches loud enough to wake The Noise up. He rubs over to her in a panic but is disappointed when he sees that she's completely okay. "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO PEOPLE," she shouts. He sighs and grabs her hand. "Come on," he mumbles tiredly, "let's go see Pizzahead." They get to the lab, and Pizzahead is not amused. He's frustrated that this anomaly keeps spreading from place to place. He can't seem to catch it. He throws her in a tube and snaps his fingers. Boop! Back to normal. She squeals with joy! She grabs Noise by the hand. "Okay, let's go home and go back to sleep!"

Fake Peppino: Eugh... He feels kind of weird today... He tried to catch a fly with his tongue, but it wouldn't stretch out. Weird... He tried to crawl in the vent, but he was too chunky to fit! Weird! He gives out a frustrated groan only to sound line a normal person! He screams bloody murder. Pizzahead hears him and figures it's just Peppino. Fakey manages to escape Bruno's and races to find Pizzahead. He bursts into the lab at Mach 3, startling Pizzahead. Fakey points and screams. Pizzahead is confused. "Peppino? I don't understand, the timers should've started as soon as you entered the War level!" Fakey screams again and jumps up and down, flailing his arms. "Fakey?? Is that... Is that YOU?!" Pizzahead scoops him up and throws him in a tube without hesitation. However, it takes a few hours for Fakey to return to his normal, goopy self.

Pizzaface: Huh... His gears aren't grinding today, but he's still moving. He feels weird. Something is off... He goes to Pizzahead immediately. "What did you do to me now," he shouted. Pizzahead was just as shocked as he was. "Uh, ok so," Pizzahead clears his throat, "there's this weird anomaly thing going around turning people into humans. I guess it managed to turn you into one, too. So uh... Get in the tube, and I'll fix you up! Hopefully..." Pizzaface gives him a scowl. "You haven't even TRIED fixing the anomaly, have you?" Pizzahead puts his head down in shame. He hasn't done anything about the anomaly other than turn people back into what they're supposed to be. Shun. Pizzaface gets into the tube, and BOOM! Once he's turned back into a machine, he burst the tube as he was too big to fit. Whoops. He flies off in a huff.

Pizzahead: Before he goes to bed, he thinks about the anomaly. It's so strange to him. Is it a curse? A blessing? Is it some sort of strange deity possessing people? He's starting to get frustrated. What is it, why is it, and what can he do to stop it? He sighs and lays down. He wakes up in the morning less ticky than usual. Oh my GOD! It got him! The anomaly has finally caught up to him. While he should be concerned, he is delighted. He's always wondered what it's like to be a human. He doesn't entirely recognize himself, but he's in awe. He's still obsessed with his own appearance. He can finally experiment and figure out what this anomaly is all about! Once he gets to the lab, he blanks out. What is he even supposed to do other than fix himself? Hmmm.... Oh well! He figures he can experiment with it on whoever gets it next. In the meantime, he's already had enough of being a human, it sucks! He presses a button and hops into the tube. POOF! Ahhh, back to normal.

Pillar John: He had dozed off out of boredom due to the fact that he can't do anything or go anywhere. However, the tower starts rumbling and wakes him up. Huh... How did the roof vet all the way up there? He sits up to find that he suddenly has human legs. Wait... WAIT... Uh oh... Without him supporting the tower, it's starting to crumble. As much as he'd like to look into this whole being human thing, he's panicking! Pizzahead runs over to him. GOD DAMN IT, IT'S THE ANOMALY! He grabs John and rushes to the lab. He has to be fixed before the tower collapses! He literally THROWS John into a tube and presses the button a million times. Poof! He's a pillar! Hooray! Wait... How's he gonna get John back to the main spot? Hmmm. POOF! He's a human again. "John! Grab that tube, and let's go!" The two rush back to the soft spot of the tower. POOF! Once again, he's a pillar supporting the weight of the tower. Phew! Wait... He totally missed his chance to escape!

Gerome: POOF! He wasn't even sleeping when it happened. Suddenly, within a blink, he was just taller. He was unamused. Whatever. He couldn't care less. He has weird human legs and arms. Again, doesn't care. He just keeps mopping the same spot over and over again. The tower is so FILTHY. Pizzahead pops by. Yep, Gerome's a human just as he suspected. He throws a tube at him. BANG! While it hurt, Gerome was once again made of stone. Cool. Still doesn't care.

-

This one was fun

[thefrogdalorian]

Hi Spud!

Spreading joy into people's inboxes like little boops is a really lovely idea. Somebody could be having the worst day and suddenly it's made a little brighter with a lovely message in their inbox, which is a really beautiful thing! Of course, I wanted to spread this joy back to you as well!

I absolutely love the aesthetic and theme of your blog, and the image of Din with a little frog on his shoulder never fails to make me smile! I also really love your writing style, your stories on ao3 have so many unique and creative ideas. They always leave my heart feeling full! One that really stood out to me was "The Meiloorun Fiasco", which is now one of my favourite dinbo fics!

I remember a while back on discord you said that you're a Coldplay lover too! Your taste in music is amazing 🎶 I also remember you said you were at the same Coldplay concert as me last year in June, and I find it crazy how you can be standing in the same room/stadium as someone and then suddenly find them online in the same fandom as you. Coldplay have some dinbo songs too!

It's always a pleasure to read your posts and interact with you, and I'm very happy I found this corner of the internet. I hope you have a great evening and an amazing rest of your week! 🫶

AWWW this genuinely made me smile so much! I've barely had a chance to check tumblr properly until just now (been busy by my standards ahaha), but my heart did a little jump for joy when I saw you'd left this in my inbox and I had a massive smile on my face while reading it!

I'm glad you like Din and his tiny froggy friend heheh. I keep thinking I should change my theme up a little bit but I'm too emotionally attached to it now. Plus he suits pink so much!

I'm so glad to hear that you enjoy my writing! I honestly have 0 thoughts, head empty about 99% of things lmao but I get random bursts of inspiration sometimes. Especially with the Meiloorun one. It was so silly but also so much fun to write! And I'm so glad that you enjoyed it!

YESSS you also have great music taste! Our stats were so similar, I think The 1975 were up there too👀! I mean who doesn't love Coldplay?! They're so iconic and I'm so glad I got to see them last year. I went to some great concerts last year too and also have some cool ones lined up this year (including Taylor WOO!) but they will take some beating. They put on such a good show! And YESSS the Dinbo songs. I always think of them when I listen to Sparks :')

It is so weird to think we were there singing along to the same songs and then we found each other again online. Very glad our paths crossed like this. Maybe one day they will again. Who knows!!

Anyway, thank you for sending such a sweet message back to me. I was not expecting that at all, but it means the world that you took the time to spread some kindness back to me. You're a gem and I hope you are having a lovely weekend!🥺💖

[vermillionmars]

NIGHT SHIFT — !!

phone guy x reader [ 2 ]

cw/tw ; profanity, two idiots trying to flirt

a/n ; context: my friend sent a phone guy thirst trap, called him hot, and now simps for him i guess?? so instead of working on my creative writing assignment for school i wrote this!!

“ — WATCH THE HOURS ON THE CLOCK ! ”

Boop!

Boop! Boop!

Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop!

You were an absolute child, finding joy in the noises the bear's nose made when you pushed it. Why did a poster make noise? You had absolutely no clue! But it was cute, and you were fucking bored, so who cared?

This job was dreadful, working from 12 AM to 6 AM didn't seem so bad at first, but when you realized you'd be stuck with the weird, creepy-looking animatronics all night, your tune quickly changed. Apparently, this place had 'history,' but you had no clue what that meant and didn't particularly care enough to research. But this apparently put a lot of people off from applying, and so, they were desperate for new hires.

Which was probably why you, a tired 20-something-year-old, got the job without so much as an interview. The pay was decent too, and it wasn't like these were the worst working conditions you'd been in. At least you got free pizza in the mornings.

Actually, speaking of pizza, you were very hungry. It was 12 AM, your shift had just started, and the last time you had eaten was...six hours ago? Maybe seven.

"This is Hell."

The office was cramped, and the fan only blew the already hot air back in your face. The posters hung up on the walls were clearly drawn by children, too, so they weren't exactly the best scenery. But again, the pay was decent and above minimum wage, so you couldn't complain too much.

Suddenly, a phone rang. Its volume caused a violent reaction from you, jumping up out of your seat immediately and scrambling around to find the source. You picked the bright red phone up and held it to your ears.

"Uh, hello? Hello, hello? Uh, hello and welcome to your new summer job at the new and improved Freddy Fazbear's Pizza." New and improved? Were you just severely out of the loop? Because you hadn't heard of an 'old' Fazbear's. "Uh, I'm here to talk you through some of the things you can expect to see during your first week here and to help you get started down this new and exciting career path."

"How sweet." You muttered sarcastically, mildly upset by the suddenness of the call. You had forgotten that the employer said you'd be getting a message explaining your job and duties.

"Oh, uh, sorry—? You sound a little agitated..." The man...replied to you? Oh, wait, fuck— "Not that I blame you...I've heard the night shift isn't the most 'fun' of positions here." He laughed at himself.

"My bad...I, uhm, thought this was a prerecorded message..." You were, frankly, embarrassed now. And low-key feeling guilty for being rude.

"Yeah, about that—" he sighed over the phone. "It was supposed to be. I, er, forgot to record it on my shift, though...so I'm calling you from the comfort of my home! At...12 AM..." The poor man sounded so tired, you felt very bad for keeping him from getting some clearly needed sleep.

"Yikes..." Was the only thing you could think of to say.

The man over the phone cleared his throat, and returned to his speech. He spoke of the old location—more specifically to forget any rumors you had heard of it, which was conveniently none. He explained the...'improvements' to the animatronics, and their features.

"That's nice and all," you frowned. "But, if you're going to stay up, why not...talk about yourself to me? I'm bored, and this place smells like grease and cheese pizza."

He fumbled with his words. "But I—I haven't even explained your job or the dangers—I mean, th-the 'quirks' of the robots—"

"I, to be totally honest, could care less about this job. I'll figure it out myself, just talk a little to me, Phonie."

"...P-phonie?"

"Well, like, you never told me your name. And I only know your voice...so~I think it's a fitting name. Unless you wanna give out your personal info to me? I don't mind, heh."

"That's a-alright, I suppose..."

Neither of you said anything, despite agreeing to get to know each other. The silence was so engulfing, you were begining to think he had hung up. Until you heard shuffling from his end, presumably him finding a more comfortable seating position. You cleared your throat.

"So...call here often?"

He snorted at the stupid pun. "Yeah, I'm the dayshift worker here...s-so I'm usually told to help the newbies out. Like you."

"Ew, you're saying you sit around all day and watch tiny children yell their little heads off and stuff their faces? Couldn't imagine dealing with that everyday, must give ya constant migraines. I pity you."

"Heh, there's no need for that. It's not that bad, r-really. It's just...it's just a little overwhelming at times. I'd much rather be at home, but...we can't always have what we want, huh?" He gave a long, dramatic sigh.

"I guess not," you agreed. You noticed his stutter and awkwardness had washed away slightly. Time to change that! "Oh, but I'm sure I could have you, hm~?"

You heard a loud crash, and briefly asked yourself if he had fucking died. No, he hadn't, because his voice returned shortly...albeit, very flustered. "Are—are you flirting with...with me?"

"Do you want me to be?"

"I, uh, well—" he coughed, trying to turn his tone into a much more confident one. "I wouldn't mind."

"Oh~?" You relaxed into your seat, throwing your legs onto the desk. "Then, are you free this Friday?"

"I—uh—have to work the dayshift, but I should be free for dinner...?"

"Ah, perfect," you glanced at the clock. 1 AM. Five more hours to go... "Well, it's a date then. See ya, Phonie."

"A-ah! Yeah. Have a good night, and I'll talk to you tomorrow." He hung up, leaving you with the silence and the cameras displaying the robots.

So, Friday, you had a date with the man on the phone. Fun! Oh, wait...

You realized you never asked for his name.

[just-a-poor-boy-queen]

I've had a really hard day today and I saw someone wanted more Jimary crack, so I decided to write it to cheer myself up. I hope three fics in a row isn't too excessive. (All credit goes to the anon who suggested this.)

--

‘She’s drunk.’ Joe said very matter-of-factly, lifting his wine glass to his lips, only to discover there was nothing left in it.

‘Very drunk.’ Replied Phoebe, reaching for the bottle nearby and giving them both a refill.

It wasn’t as though they had never seen Mary drunk before. She was usually all giggly and bouncy after a few drinks, perhaps more talkative than usual and, in Joe’s opinion, far less uptight. But they had never seen her like this; her eyes heavy lidded, downing her wine like it was water and clumsily swaying to the music that filled the busy lounge, stumbling every now and again to keep her balance. She was clearly taking her break up with Piers very badly.

‘Freddie’s livid.’ Joe murmured, glancing over at the singer who appeared to be deep in conversation with Peter Straker, but kept glancing over at the intoxicated woman who was trying to coax Brian into dancing with her, much to the displeasure of Anita. ‘Prepare yourself for a screaming match later on.’

‘I already have the popcorn ready.’

Mary eventually gave up on Brian and loudly announced she was heading into the kitchen for another bottle of rosé, almost stepping on Delilah as she staggered through the door. She surveyed the kitchen a moment, the room spinning as her alcohol consumption finally caught up with her, before she noticed Jim sitting alone at the kitchen table, trying unsuccessfully to uncork a large bottle of champagne between his knees.

She had always been a little jealous of Jim. Before he came along, she had always held out hope that Freddie might return to her one day, discover he wasn’t actually into men or something daft like that. But then this Irishman appeared, who wasn’t like Freddie’s other boyfriends; for the first time, it seemed like Freddie was in love and ready to settle down, happy in a way she had never seen him before. It had been hard for her to accept; but when Piers had finally had enough of her obsession and left her, she realised that she would never be able to properly move on with her life if she kept latching on to the past. She had to let Freddie go. She had to accept that, while they would always be friends, Freddie was gay and what they had all those years ago was over.

Jim noticed her hovering and looked up, giving her a small smile. ‘Enjoying the party?’

Mary hummed in response, going to the cupboard where the booze was kept and digging around until she found the rosé she was looking for. When she looked back at Jim, he still hadn’t managed to remove the cork and was quietly cursing under his breath in his thick Irish accent.

It was quite a nice voice, her inebriated mind told her.

‘You have a lovely voice.’ She suddenly said aloud, her words slurred. She wobbled up to him, heels clinking against the kitchen tiles as she unscrewed the top of the rosé bottle. ‘Where is it you’re from again?’

Jim blinked at her dumbly. He wasn’t used to Mary initiating conversation like this; she was usually so reserved. ‘Um, a town called Carlow. It’s near Dublin.’

‘It is, isn’t it?’ Mary drawled and without any warning, she suddenly plopped herself down in Jim's lap, making him jump in surprise. ‘Ireland is sss-such a lovely place. Lots of sheep there.’

Jim’s face went red, and he carefully set the champagne bottle down on the table. ‘Yeah, I suppose there are.’

Much to his horror, Mary put the bottle of rosé to her lips and began downing the drink ruthlessly, not stopping until it was almost half empty. When she finally stopped, she carelessly abandoned the bottle next to the champagne and turned around to stare Jim directly in the eyes, her smile disturbingly wide.

‘You have beautiful eyes.’ She garbled, moving her finger as if she was going to poke them out, but she instead ended up giving him a weird boop on the nose. ‘And your arms are so big.’ She reached down to squeeze his bicep, giggling like a schoolgirl. ‘I bet you’re really strong. Remember when you lifted me up at Freddie’s birthday party?’

Jim remembered. He was so plastered that night he had almost dropped her on her head.

‘Are you feeling alright, Mary?’ he asked warily, not comfortable with how close their faces were.

‘I’m wonderful, Jim.’ Mary giggled again, though it sounded a little manic. ‘I really, really want to dance. Will you dance with me, Jim?’

‘I’m not much of a dancer, Mary.’ Jim coughed, glancing over his shoulder in hope that someone might come through the kitchen door and save him.

‘That’s not true! I’ve seen you dance!’ Mary insisted, pulling at his hands, ‘come on.’

Jim didn’t have the energy to argue with her, already a little tipsy himself, and he allowed her to drag him into the middle of the kitchen, face filling with colour as Mary threw her arms around his neck and sagged all of her body weight against him. He realised rather quickly that if he let her go, she’d probably fall face first onto the floor and never get up again.

The next five minutes had to be the most uncomfortable of his entire life, as he swayed in awkward circles with his husband’s ex-girlfriend, mindfully trying to keep his hands off her waist. He wasn’t a religious man, but in that moment, he prayed to every God in existence that someone would call him from the lounge and rescue him from this predicament.

Mary suddenly lifted her head from his shoulder and whispered in his ear. ‘Marry me, Jim.’

The Irishman stared down at her, eyes comically wide. ‘Beg your pardon?’

‘Marry me.’ Mary grinned at him, leaning so close that for one horrible moment he thought she might try to kiss him. ‘We can have lots of beautiful Irish babies together.’

Jim sighed. Next time they had a party, he was going to replace Mary’s wine with Ribena. ‘I’m very flattered by your offer, but there are two problems; I’m gay and I’m married to Freddie.’

‘Oh bugger.’ Said Mary, as if she had forgotten that detail. ‘You can still marry me though. We can run away to Cardiff together.’

‘Carlow, Mary.’

Her face suddenly fell and she stepped away from him, looking betrayed. 'Is it because of the cats?'

'The what?'

‘That's why you don't want to marry me, isn't it?’ Mary's lip trembled as if she was about to cry. ‘Freddie has cats and I don't!'

‘Mary, I’m going to get you some water.’ Jim replied, making a beeline for the sink.

‘No, don’t leave!’ Mary grabbed his sleeve, trying to tug him back. ‘Stay with me, Jim. I'll buy you all the cats you want!’

‘You’ll feel much better after drinking this.’ Jim said firmly, pouring a glass of water and turning around to hand it to her. As soon as he did, her lips were suddenly pressed against his own, arms locked around his neck so there was no escape as he yelled against her mouth in surprise.

‘Mary!’ he roared, as soon as she released him, half the water having spilled onto the floor during the struggle. ‘What the bloody hell are you playing at?!’

Mary grinned; lipstick smudged across her face, so she looked like the Joker. ‘I’ve never kissed an Irishman before. Does that make me Irish now?’

Before Jim could even answer, she suddenly dry heaved; he grabbed her and stuck her head into the sink as she vomited up the contents of her stomach.

--

‘What the fuck happened?’ Freddie demanded, as Jim walked into the lounge, his shirt ruffled, a smear of red lipstick on his mouth and a very drunk Mary giggling uncontrollably in his arms.

‘Your ex-girlfriend asked me to marry her, then threw up.’ Jim replied, as if this was a normal occurrence. ‘I’m going to put her in one of the guest rooms so she can sleep it off.’

He turned and walked out of the lounge before anyone could respond. Freddie clenched his glass so hard it was a miracle it didn’t shatter in his hand.

‘I’m going to murder her!’ he growled, lunging towards the door, only for Phoebe to grab him from behind and hoist him up. ‘Let me go! That backstabbing homewrecker is trying to abscond with my husband!’

‘Take it easy, Fred.’ Phoebe said calmly, holding onto the man effortlessly. ‘You can kill her tomorrow.’

‘Yeah, we haven’t even had dessert yet.’ Said Joe, holding onto Freddie's legs to stop him from kicking. ‘I spent all fucking day slaving over that baked Alaska, you’re eating it whether you like it or not!’

Firstly, I am so sorry you are having a hard day. I feel terrible that whilst you are doing so much to entertain us with this outrageous crackship, you are not having a good time. I can just hope that writing these stories bring you as much joy as they bring us.

And now, the fic. I AM WHEEZING. First of all, I fucking love Joe. Even though we've never heard him speak, or ever listened to his words through his own perspective, I feel that your characterisation is so realistic. His dessert comment slayed me lmao.

And oof, Mary being drunk off her ass is my new favourite trope. And lmao her thinking that Jim doesnt want to marry her because she doesn't have cats😂😂😂 Leave him alone, Mary. He doesn't want to have irish babies with you.

And hahahahaha Freddie's reaction is as epic as I had envisioned. And god, this is another nightmare that Jim isn't going to recover from soon.

This is such a fantastic crackship, omg. I absolutely loved this💙💙

(More drabbles by writer anon)

Also anon, if you ever want to talk, you can always dm me, if you are comfortable of course🧡

[remember-when-it-rained]

25 Things I've Learned in 25 Years

Today I have officially lived for 25 years…though it feels very strange to say so. I haven’t learned all of the things. But through good times and bad, I’ve had the privilege to learn a few things. Here are 25 of the life lessons I consider most important, in no particular order.

1. Take care of your stuff. Even if it’s not the stuff you want, it’s what you have; and you might as well make what you have last as long as possible. Especially for the times when you won’t be able to get new stuff. You might be surprised to find out just how long you can make do with what you have.

2. Never turn down an opportunity to eat chocolate. ‘Nuff said.

3. When you find a thing you absolutely love, buy it in every color. Because if you go back to buy more of that thing, they will not have any more and you will absolutely be very sad.

4. Trying to impress people all the time is exhausting. If it requires you to be anything but yourself…. well, ain’t nobody got time for that. Life is too short to be anything but authentic. You are special and unique - and put on this earth for a purpose! Don’t waste your time trying to be what you think others are looking for. People are going to say rude things to you and about you, because for some reason they think they know what’s best for you better than you do they don’t understand your life - because they haven’t walked in your flip flops. But you know what? Repeat after me: It. Doesn’t. Matter. What. People. Think. Only you can write your story the way it’s supposed to be written - regardless of what the chapters may look like. Work on letting God shape you into the person He wants you to be, and let Him deal with the haters.

5. Always check the clearance rack first.

6. Sometimes no one notices if you’ve done a good job. Do a good job anyway. Sometimes to do the right thing is to walk a hard, lonely road. Do the right thing anyway. You’ll never regret it, whether anyone sees/recognizes it or not. (God always sees and He honors your integrity!!)

7. Don’t pass judgment on people until you know the facts. Don’t judge people based on what others have told you. Don’t judge people until you’ve given them a chance to prove themselves. And sometimes you just need to give people a second chance. Or a third…or fourth. If you want to be given chances, then you have to give them.

8. Cheese belongs on everything. If it doesn’t taste good with cheese then it’s most likely not worth eating.

9. Don’t trust people. Take your time getting to know people. Don’t - and I mean DON’T - share your heart with anyone UNTIL they’ve earned your trust. Not everyone has your best interests at heart… and not everyone will treasure your heart the way they should. Be careful how much you share, and with whom.

10. Trust people. *record scratch* “Wait, what? Didn’t she just say NOT to trust people???” Okay, yes, I realize I’m contradicting myself, but hear me out. You DO need to trust people; it’s just important to know whom. You need people in your life with whom you can share your thoughts, ideas, dreams, successes and struggles. You need people around you who recognize when you need a little encouragement. You need to be able to get vulnerable with people sometimes. It’s what makes you human. But it’s vital to know which people are OK to get real with.

11. Learn new things. And once you’ve learned a few new things, start learning more about those things, and eventually you will realize you have discovered a thing you really love and want to be really good at. And once you’ve gotten really super good at the thing, start teaching other people how to do that thing. Find things to be passionate about. Never stop learning!

12. Life rarely progresses the way you think it will. Things you thought would happen, don’t… things you thought would NEVER happen, do… things you thought you’d accomplish within X amount of time might not materialize. You can make your plans, but God directs your path. It’s totally okay to take things one day at a time. And don’t let other people that don’t truly care about you inflict their opinions on you. You do you, boo! Your life won’t look like someone else’s – and that’s OKAY. It may not look the way you thought it would by now, and that’s also OKAY. Life is a beautiful journey and there are always postcard moments if you’re willing to look for them.

13. Take any opportunity you can to TRAVEL . See new places. Meet interesting people. Try weird foods. Take photos. Make memories. Smell new smells. Learn the language. Buy the overpriced touristy souvenirs. Life is so much richer when you get outside of the box that is everyday life and see the world.

14. Good friends are rare. You’ll meet some really cool people throughout your life, but the truly good friends - the ones that stick with you through thick and thin, no matter the distance? The ones who will always listen to you ramble about the newest thing with which you’re obsessed? The ones that will cry with you, be honest with you, and stay up until 3am with you talking about your dreams and what God has been doing in your life? The ones who somehow always understand you, even when you’re not making sense? The ones who will come to your rescue if ever you need them, and who know the value of ice cream and a late night drive because you just can’t handle life right now?? - these are the rarest of rare. If you find yourself acquainted with one of these precious humans, treasure them and consider yourself exquisitely blessed. They don’t come along often and they’re worth the wait.

15. Sometimes life is hard. And sometimes life is really, REALLY hard. There will be times when, despite all your best efforts, things go horribly wrong, and the enemy will attack you in full force; there will be times when everything you love is stripped away. There will be days when you will find yourself wondering if it’s even worth it to go on, if life is even worth living anymore. There will be days when you feel like you’re on top of the world…and then there will be days when you feel like you’re the gum stuck to the bottom of somebody’s shoe. But here’s the important thing: Don’t let yourself stay there. Find something, even just one tiny thing, for which you can be grateful every day. Surround yourself with people who will speak life over you. Don’t allow yourself to live in that darkness because if you do, it will overtake you - and one day, your voice will be precisely what someone else needs to lead them out of their own darkness. Focus on what God has already brought you through - the victory He has already given - and thank Him for the victory that’s to come. It WILL get better.

16. Life is just too short to listen to crappy music. Find something amazing and listen to it on repeat until you’re literally sick of it. Listen to whatever makes you happy.

17. Everything doesn’t always have to be perfect. (This is the part where I talk about things I’m still learning.) Leave yourself some room to be human! Perfectionism - if you allow it to - will hold you back from living life to the fullest. It will cause you to procrastinate, which leads to anxiety, which I’m pretty sure eventually leads to death. So if you don’t wanna die, you’re gonna have to learn to let some things go.

18. Reach out to people and be friendly. If you’re anything like me, the idea of waltzing up to someone you don’t know and introducing yourself can be utterly terrifying. But when you’ve been on the other side of that - when you’ve been the one person in the room that no one wants to bother talking to - then you know the power of a friendly face and a smile. It’s so worth it to push past your fear of rejection and put yourself out there. Some of my best friends are a part of my life because I listened to the whisper of the Holy Spirit that said “go talk to that person”. As scary as that can be, you never know the impact you can have on a hurting person. You might be the only sunshine they experience all week in an ugly world. And you may even end up making lifelong friends!

19. You can’t depend on people to meet your needs. This is a hard lesson to learn, and it’s one I seem to keep having to revisit. People are human. They’re fallible, imperfect, self-centered and impatient; they say they’ll do something and then they don’t do it. They will pretend to be your friend today, and betray your trust tomorrow. When someone lets you down (and it WILL happen) you must do two things: one, forgive the person and give them grace for being human. I’m sure there are times I have let people down and never even knew it!  And two, remember that you can only truly depend on the One who will never let you down. We weren’t created to meet all of each other’s needs. There is a God-shaped hole in your heart that only He can fill!

20. Talk to people who are older than you - you won’t find more sage advice. There’s no better way to learn about life than from people who have already lived it; there’s no end to the treasures of wisdom you’ll discover if you just take the time to listen. 

21. Treasure the people who matter most to you. This is a BIG one. Life is a fragile gift and you never know what day might be their last, or yours. Cherish the time for which you have them, and it will carry you through the time when you don’t. Trust me when I say – you do not want to live with any regrets.  PLEASE don’t take your loved ones for granted.

22. Pets are the purest of pure and everyone should have them. They can see straight into your soul - and still love you despite all the horrible things you’ve done. They do stupid things for the sole purpose of bringing us joy. And they offer unlimited nose boops and cuddles, while asking for nothing but your love in return. If the world experienced more nose boops, the world would be a better place.

23. Do. Not. Complain. (This is a hard one. Hey, I didn’t say I have all these down yet.) It is SO tempting to dump your problems on people. Or to just be negative for a few minutes. Sometimes it really does feel good - but all you’re doing is unloading your burdens for someone else to bear. Over time, I’ve been on the receiving end of enough verbal vomit sessions to realize: Nobody likes a complainer. There are few things worse than walking away from someone and feeling like a virtual trash can because they got everything off their chest, but now you’re left to carry it. I never want people to avoid me because I’ve ruined their day with my negativity - I want them to walk away from me feeling encouraged and uplifted.  Some things are better left unsaid.

24. Cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella. I say this with some hesitancy as I have never had salmonella. But I’m absolutely convinced it’s definitely worth it.

25. And finally… Be generous! It’s ALWAYS more blessed to give than receive. The biggest blessings come from blessing others. Especially if you give out of sacrifice! As a little girl I watched my grandmother continually give to everyone she met with no thought of receiving in return. She was the most generous person I have ever known. But it wasn’t until the end of her life that I fully realized the extent of her legacy in generosity - just how many lives she touched and changed. It is my sincere hope that I can be even half the woman she was. She taught me that God puts things in our hands just so that we can give them away. And the less recognition you get out of it, the more glory God gets! Start practicing a lifestyle of generosity and I guarantee it - you will be unprepared for the joy that will follow.