#The knowledge that your only blood family thinks you're dead and the family you developed has all died around you (in front of you)

[kelpiemomma]

Listening to the halo reach soundtrack at work and thinking of spartan Ingo again 🥰🥰🥰

Either he and Emmet separated for Ingo to join the Noble team OR they were both recruited, with Ingo becoming Noble 6 and Emmet Noble 7.

But gaaahhhhh Noble 6 Ingo nervous because he and Emmet have been a team for so long, and he's assigned to noble team alone because they only need one member and he fits what they're looking for.

Ingo is uncertain about where he stands with Noble team, with Carter telling him he can't rely on his brother to have his back only, that he can't go hunting down Emmet when he's in trouble. He has to stay with the team now, and Ingo isn't sure he can. But he stays and gradually begins to fit in. He and Emile grate on each other, but he gets along well with Kat and Jorge. He doesn't see Jun much but when they do interact it's polite. Carter is pleased with how he's fitting in, even if he's talking to Emmet almost every day. There are things he has to dance around, missions they can no longer share, and it's hard because they've never had to keep secrets from each other.

And then the Covenant land on Reach, and all Ingo can tell Emmet at first is that something's gone wrong. And then he's storming a beach with the team, trying to remember when the last time he spoke to Emmet was, promising himself he'll do it as soon as he's back to base. Except then he's in space with Jorge, breaching a Covenant cruiser, and then Jorge is pushing him out of an airlock and everything is happening so fast.

He's creeping through the night with Jun, trying to save civilians, desperately firing at Hunters to try and keep them safe. He goes through all of Reach, seeing his team die and sacrifice themselves so that one, just one, of them might make it. Might pass on what needs to get to the right hands.

And he gets to the ship, and he thinks that maybe, just maybe, he and Emile - bonded slightly after watching Carter take out the scarab for them - might make it. Might be able to reuine with Emmet, with Jun, to mourn the losses of their team, their family, might be able to allow his grief an outlet- and then Emile is stabbed from behind, he's down, and there is no one else that can protect the ship. There is only Ingo. He swallows his nerves and turns around, heads for where Emile was just slain. He takes out the Elites - not without heavy injury - and clears the skies.

And then he is alone.

He's never been alone in his life. There was always Emmet or Elesa, and then there was Noble team. Even when Jorge sacrificed himself he wasn't alone because his team was waiting for him. But now there is no one but Ingo.

And the Elites are coming for him, and there is no escape.

[shanastoryteller]

happy Halloween 🎃 if you're feeling it I'd love to see more of one of the cql time travel stories (wangxian or nhs) tysm!

a continuation of 1 2 3

Nie Huaisang is not a warrior and never has been. He knows he can't be there, knows that he doesn't have either Wen Qing's knowledge or Wei Wuxian's skill and this isn't something he can help with.

Still.

He worries.

The night is long and he doesn't know if they've been successful until sun rises and he hears shouts from the cultivators and hurries outside to see everyone panicked and horrified by the river's edge.

It's not the first time the river of the Unclean Realms has run red with blood, but it's not usually this much, for this long. The river runs from Wen lands, after all.

Meng Yao's face is carefully blank as he stands pressed against Mingjue's side and they should be taking their own counsel at this new development, as they had so many times before, but instead Meng Yao murmurs something he can't hear and then both their eyes are on him.

Oh no.

"Huaisang," Mingjue thunders, "what's the meaning of this?"

"Why would I know?" he squawks, fluttering his fan around his face.

"Master Nie," Nie Zonghui says reproachfully.

Oh, bother. He'd forgotten that his family knew him, once. Then they'd died or gone mad and there'd been no one left to call him on his bullshit.

it's heartwarming and irritating at the same time.

"We should go investigate, maybe?" he suggests, peaking out from behind his fan.

Mingjue's frown deepens but Meng Yao starts giving out orders to do just that. No one ever disobeys Meng Yao in front of the main family, after all.

That's a problem for later.

Nie Huaisang tags along because he wants to know, he needs to know.

He finds exactly what he was hoping for.

Wen Ruohan and his sons and his council and a significent amount of their cultivators are dead, almost unrecognizable with their flesh pulled from their bones.

Wen Qing sits on the Phoenix Throne.

"Hi Nie Huaisang!" Wei Wuxian says cheerfully, not a speck of blood on him. Somehow that makes it worse, that he's perfectly clean in the center of carnage that he's obviously if inexplicably caused.

The power that Nie Huaisang had felt last night is spread everywhere, touching everything. He thinks Wei Wuxian is doing it on purpose, in case any of the Wens who had surrendered get any bright ideas.

Mingjue is glaring at him, as if this is his fault! Which, it is, but there's no way for him to know that.

But something shifts in Meng Yao's face and he bows, everyone else mirroring him a moment later. "Congratulations on your ascension, Sect Leader Wen."

"Thank you," Wen Qing says, her eyes pinched at the corners.

"Should I also be congratulation you on your nuptials?" Mingjue asks dryly once he's standing upright.

Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing make identical faces of distaste, then Wei Wuxian frowns. "Wait, do we have to get married or something? Things are still too unstable for me to leave, but I'm going to need a really good excuse for Uncle Jiang."

Nie Huaisang stares and only feels a little mollified to see his expression mirrored on Mingjue's face. "Is arranging for the coup of a major clan not a good enough excuse?"

"Well," he says, "maybe for leaving in the first place, but I don't think he'll be pleased that I didn't write. Shijie is going to pissed too, which is the worst. She cries when she's angry and if Shijie cries because of me, I'll have to kill myself."

Grief stabs through him. Wei Wuxian doesn't know true that statement is.

"I think we can arrange something," Meng Yao says, a considering look on his face. "You have done us a favor after all. We were getting quite concerned about the Wen influence."

Wen Qing looks at him and says, "Let's discuss."

Several hours later, Wei Wuxian is heading back to Cloud Recesses to escort Wen Ning home and Nie Huaisang is engaged to Wen Qing.

It's possible he's lost control of the situation.

He blames Meng Yao.

[vermillioncrown]

Naruto si-oc...?

it's so self-indulgent y'all gonna spit blood

nrt is one of those worlds where if you're just a regular dude with nothing, prepare a coffin as soon as you leave elementary school.

also, i gotta leverage my knowledge and skillset. best way to do so? sharingan (will explain in a bit)

=

lore is that reincarnation is rare but not unheard of (even in canon nrt). but in the uchiha clan specifically, a reincarnator/transmigrator cannot fucking hide from the clan.

those that have not properly moved on from the pure lands, have not properly washed their previous life away and have been called back, are called 'sleepless'. and it's always obvious to the uchiha bc this tends to happen when a previous life has ended in such a traumatic manner that earthly burdens still cling onto the soul.

sharingan eyes awaken with trauma. if you have a kid that awakens their eyes without probable cause and they're just... not right, you got a 'sleepless' on your hands.

life and death, and their place in the cycle, are highly revered (ie, why izanami to counter izanagi), so when a 'sleepless' reveals themselves the clan knows but they are to be left to their own devices. treated like polite ghosts, as long as they do not cause harm to the clan. they've lived and died, and while the clan takes care of their own, this is not their time.

it's to protect both the clan from outsiders ("what??? ahahaha there's no necromancy wtf aaaaa!!!") and the peace of the dead. to outsiders, these clan members look like persona non grata within their clan.

it's also easy to catch out 'sleepless' in the uchiha bc their physiology is made to accommodate the sharingan's advantages, so any past life mental advantages (the precociousness of accelerated development) really show themselves.

=

okay that's the setup. how did i up the ridiculousness?

=

keeping the fucking moon shit bc it's a great excuse for zetsu going around, trying to make perfect sage genetics bs

what happened to all the senju? they just slowly disappeared? with them and the uchiha being co-founder clans of konoha, it's not like they wouldn't start having liaisons between each other.

in comes a senju bastard-uchiha oopsie baby (a double bastard, if you will), surviving by a sliver of a chance. the baby is weak. albino. it's the middle of the second war.

fortunately for the baby, their grandfather is uchiha kagami (first ripple: somehow uchiha kagami lived past the ripe age of 25 to have his own kid). takes one look at the kid, the lineage, and thinks "that's like a baby tobirama-sensei". the baby is kept with the uchiha as the senju bastard mother has no family clout, and the uchiha father is needed back at the war front.

uchiha shigure (drizzle, autumn shower) is taken back to the clan.

as the second war goes on and ends, baby grows into quiet toddler, the other uchiha scoff at kagami for raising this double-bastard-doesn't-even-look-like-an-uchiha child, defective, of course you had a soft spot for lord second, ugh you sentimental -

the toddler has been too quiet recently. his face scrunched, hands pressed over eyes, a low whine of pain -

what kagami thought were albino red eyes were first-stage sharingan eyes (how long have they been on?! he should have been more observant, but the toddler's such an easy kid, keeps entertained without others, and-)

a clan meeting is held. 'keep watch', are the only orders.

so uchiha kagami keeps watch over his grandson. it's still easy. he needs to tell him to turn off the sharingan more often than not ("it's not healthy for a growing child" and the face of neutral displeasure he gets is... hm.) it's more natural for kagami to test the waters, so to speak - phrasing that might be a bit more mature, complex, to see if shigure can follow along.

maybe not always the first time, but never more than twice is needed.

it's as if liberty was given for shigure to talk. because, wow, can that child talk. about anything and everything.

and he uses his eyes for the most innocuous things.

"shigure-kun, there's nothing in the water. you'll hurt your eyes."

he's been staring at the fountain for the last hour.

"this spout is the most... perfect spout. look at that water flow - ... it's..." shigure's face starts scowling. "- that word. what's that word? smooth. perfect. layers. hmm... no. ugh, is the character the same -"

... okay.

=

it's not until the nth convoluted dialogue that kagami finds himself entangled in by his grandson ("- but what about... mmmm same thing?? same, multiple thing -" "-redundancy?" "yeah, redundancy? if the first location fails -" on village infrastructure and piping) that kagami brings up a point at the next clan meeting.

"i ... think i know who -"

the other uchiha cut in

"you know the rules, let the dead rest -"

"how can that be, there's never been a case of -"

"who -"

a steadying breath. exhale.

"senju tobirama."

...

...

fucking pandemonium erupts.

=

on uchiha shigure's end:

as shigure grows older, and grows in a clan that seems to just... know and he can't hide what would be his biggest secret in, he just doesn't give a shit. the clan's not too bad; they're kinda weird and cagey, but his 'grandpa' is nice and listens to his rambling. gives into curiosity and learning, with the eyes to facilitate it.

'i can see shrimp colors now, and i'm unstoppable' is their thought

cognitive biases exist, and what happens to be a former naruto-weeb trying to test the limits of the universe -> looks to be an unshackled senju tobirama allowed to go on a research binge. differences in perspectives based on cultural background and societal upbringing turns into uchiha kagami having flashbacks to his sensei's wackass sideways thinking that you'll never see coming.

pragmatic to a fault. blunt. but protective and caring in his own way.

the final sticking point - elemental affinities. it's not completely genetic, spirit affects it as well (big thing on nature/nurture, product of environment, blah blah blah)

so genetic predisposition would yield a fire affinity.

but the spirit yields water.

=

"he's lord second, i'm telling you-"

money exchanges hands, but "stop calling the name of the sleepless, it's bad luck-"

"technically not the name, but -"

"oh, we're so cursed now -"

=

"... do you think we can... leverage him for... advice, maybe, on -"

"- let the dead keep their peace -"

"- would he even help us?"

"- why would you make the poor man lead again?!"

=

besides the fuckery hidden in the clan meetings, the uchiha children are taught to "be polite to shigure-kun" but to not mention him outside the compound. they know nothing.

-> all the kids end up thinking he's the clan ghost (like, literally a ghost) that only uchiha with their special eyes can see.

doesn't help that shigure is kept inside whenever the sun is too bright, and tends to wander at night.

[itsbenedict]

Two-Faced Jewel supplemental: The Ecumenes and the Gods

Roughly 250 years ago, the world was tightly-linked by teleportation magic. People could visit any city on the Jewel in the blink of an eye, and the idea of national borders was pretty meaningless. Instead, there were distributed, nonlocal governments that competed for citizens.

(If you've read any of Terra Ignota, you'd recognize the hive system.)

The death of teleportation magic has shattered the world into local polities with their own governments, but the six Ecumenes still hold varying sway over the population to varying degrees. Their individual law systems are still largely recognized by local governments, and their cultural impact is felt the world over.

The Ecumenes are, of course, churches of the gods. Below are their profiles, and overviews of their legal systems.

Eman, Windspinner, is the God of Freedom.

Eman is the Ecumene for those with no Ecumene- those who feel no need for the law to protect them, or can't stomach the restrictions of other gods. (Analogous to Blacklaws, in Terra Ignota.) No law will protect you if someone wants you dead, or tries to steal your things- but if you're a dyed-in-the-wool anarchist and believe in your own ability to navigate the world without an authority above you, the Ecumene of Eman will... do nothing whatsoever for you, because it's barely an organization. Typical adherents of Eman are either self-assured warriors, unrepentant violent criminals, or both.

Eman, the god, has a total commitment to autonomy and asks nothing of his worshippers. His clerics do, as is their ultimate inviolable commandment: whatever they want. Typically, though, the sort of person whose mind is similar enough to Eman's to be capable of channeling his divinity as a cleric... cares a lot about the freedom of others, and goes about trying to prevent other authorities from unlawfully enforcing laws on Emanites.

Andra, Veilpiercer, is the Deity of Understanding.

Andra is a pretty standard deity of wisdom and knowledge and all that- nothing unexpected there. They just want to know everything, and value learning new things!

The governance of the Ecumene of Understanding is very interested in empiricism. They want to know what the best form of government is, and do that, instead of picking one way of doing government and sticking with that no matter how badly it backfires. So they run experiments!

Under Andra, there's no such thing as a law that doesn't have an intended outcome, a standard for measuring whether it met that outcome, and a deadline to measure the outcome by or else repeal the law. As a result... the legal code is constantly changing based on heated arguments between politicians and armchair legal theorists (between which there is little distinction) over whether targets were met. And what this means is that the legal code is in constant flux, and you basically need to be a part-time lawyer to keep up with the laws governing you.

Making matters worse, teleportation and long-distance communication broke, and so geographically distant Andra polities now need to work harder to stay in sync. The Ecumene of Andra, therefore, is the major force behind the building of roads, and the sponsoring of adventurers who do the hard work of forging through the wilderness to deliver messages. They sponsor the Deathseekers' Guild, a brotherhood of monster hunters that take on the most dangerous prey they can find.

Typical adherents are academics, adventurers, and people who think they're smart enough to keep up.

Diamode, Fruitbearer, is the Goddess of Family.

Diamode has a plan for you! You go to school, obey your parents, graduate and get married, buy a house in the suburbs, have 2-3 children, care for them, retire, be cared for by them, and die. That's the plan. Their legal code encourages filial piety and conformity to this perfect way to live your life. Tax breaks for married couples, credits for having children- be fruitful and multiply! It's sort of the bastard child of Confucianism and protestant Christianity- it would absolutely be the most popular ecumene in the US, if that were how such things worked.

Typical adherents of Diamode are... there's only one typical adherent of Diamode, because the whole point is being the one way Diamode wants you to be.

Iska, Peakstrider, is the Goddess of Triumph.

Iska values self-improvement above all else- becoming Better, developing skills, climbing that ladder. There's no point to living if you're not trying to be the best at what you do! If it makes you stronger, it's the right thing to do!

Unsurprisingly, this is a popular goddess amongst warlords and merchants, who like having a divine mandate to enrich themselves at the expense of others. Iska only cares that you're winning- if someone else is losing, that's not her problem. They get whatever they deserved for being worse at whatever the conflict was about!

Iska's legal system is based on a sort of complicated virtue-ethical rubric. The winner of a legal dispute isn't the person who acted least criminally- the winner is whoever is the better person. And the criteria for who's "better" are set by people in power in the Ecumene of Triumph, which means "better" tends towards "more like the people in power", and "less like the enemies of the people in power". It's a fairly degenerate system, full of lots of infighting.

Ccorde, Skyholder, is the Goddess of Harmony.

Back when the gods were creating the world, Ccorde was responsible for keeping them all on the same page. She arbitrated disputes and authored compromises that would keep the gods on-task and creating something stable. She's... the reason the world isn't a Snarl, if you're familiar with OotS. She wants everyone to get along.

Everyone who's a god, anyway. She kinda likes it when people get along, but her number one priority is making sure people don't fuck up the world she worked so hard to broker. She has a lot of rules around how people are allowed to change and interact with nature, and she leans towards the hyperconservative with respect to the environment. She wants this world to be exactly the way it is, forever, and is annoyed by ways in which it changes.

Unlike most of the rest of the gods, Ccorde is fairly active in the management of her Ecumene. The rest have all moved on to the latest hot new world everyone's obsessed with, leaving Ccorde to conduct the busywork of keeping all their boring old worlds running smoothly. It's thankless and borderline futile work- big things like teleportation magic keep breaking, and she can't fix them on her own.

Typical adherents of Ccorde are druids, naturalists, and other hippies that love animals and being in tune with the environment and stuff. Ccorde's Ecumene is also one of the more competently-run bureaucracies around, and has a lot of non-ideological adherents despite its strict rules. Because the system works, dammit- without demanding as much from you as Diamode.

Karou, Heartlifter, is the God of Joy.

The Ecumene of Joy are hedonists. Hedonic utilitarians, to be precise. They eschew other considerations in favor of the basic observation that people ought to be happy and if your government doesn't help its people be happy then what the fuck is even the point of a government?

Implementing those principles, though, can be a bit of a mess. Working out complicated legal codes is boring and not fun, so their system for resolving legal disputes is "have a cleric of Karou personally evaluate what course of action would result in the most utility on net".

In the real world this would be a disaster- a system immediately captured by power-hungry narcissists who set themselves up as the people who decide what course of action is best. Luckily for the Ecumene of Joy, they have a pretty decent selection process for their leaders.

See, in order to be a cleric of any god in this world, you need to fulfill a specific requirement. What a cleric actually does is channel divinity, see. The gods are busy people! They don't have time to personally investigate each and every little issue their clerics bother them with. They're just people, ultimately- they don't have the spare brainpower. So they have to borrow brainpower- specifically from people who are, cognitively, near-identical to themselves. The more like a god you are, the more easily that god can borrow your brainpower and instantiate themselves on your hardware. Casting divine magic, in this setting, is literally becoming your god for a little while in order to do something your god wants done. That's what it takes to be a cleric!

Since you can't cast divine magic without being totally in sync with your god, you can't be a power-hungry selfish bastard and also be a cleric of Joy- because Karou isn't a power-hungry selfish bastard. He's the god of hedonic utilitarianism, and will make a good-faith effort to resolve a dispute happily every time.

(It doesn't always work, though, since Karou is not the God of Being Correct About Predicted Consequences All The Time, and clerical error is always a source of difficulty for the Ecumene.)

Other Gods

The six Ecumenes are the only organized god-worshipping organizations that run governments, but there are loads of other gods- they just don't involve themselves in legislation. It's fairly common for someone to belong to a particular Ecumene just for the government, but worship one or more other gods as a matter of personal faith.

Alanala, Waveracer, for instance, is the Deity of Tides, with dominion over the surface of the waters. They're commonly worshipped by sailors, for obvious reasons- and in particular, the Lastwave clan that controls Oyashio.

Lolth is a classic- Webstretcher, Goddess of Spiders, is worshipped by the drow. She's known for dark rituals and cannibalism and other evil type things. (The drow diaspora regards these as hateful rumors, and insist that Lolth is a benevolent figure who promotes togetherness. The consensus among right and proper elves is that this is a smokescreen and that the blood libel is super true. Hrm.)

And... ?????? ? What's this symbol? It's on the bracer that's bonded to Saelhen, but it doesn't represent any god Looseleaf's ever heard of. Maybe not all the gods show themselves to the people...

[locoluis]

Pam's visit to the doctor

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. I have no medical knowledge, so the following is all artistic licence and stuff taken from the web. Please consult a proper medical professional if you experience any of the symptoms described below. Oh, and sorry for the sloppy writing.

It has been from bad to worse during the last weeks. I don't like summer, I get way too sweaty and dehydrated. I get sunburned easily. I am self conscious about my body and will need to wear less than the normal amount of clothing I usually enjoy wearing, which attracts the stares of people who look like they haven't seen a girl with more than a B cup in their entire lives.

Like they never get out of this town.

I like going to the city, even though the climate is warmer there than up here in the hills, because nobody bats an eye about my appearance there, or at least not that much. The city centre is a couple hours away by bus. Only a few, elderly people are joining me in this trip I absolutely need to carry out.

The local paediatricians are as useless as the painkillers they prescribe. One of them said: “ At this point, you should consider going to an adult's doctor. ” Madam, I'm only twelve, and you're supposed to be able to take care of people through their late teens. Don't come at me with such rubbish.

Then my PE teacher recommended me this children's hospital in the city, and I got an appointment. I got so stressed during the bus trip that the box of chocolates that I brought with me didn't last long enough. I hope this isn't as bad as it feels.

Even though this is the second time I've seen this particular lady, I immediately recognised her. Shorter than me, dangerously skinny, with a childish face despite being in her mid-thirties, and a brunette ponytail of ridiculous length.

— Pamela Evans. I remember you.

— Dr. Eliana Martínez. You were the lady who awarded me the gold medal at the swimming competition a few months ago.

— Indeed. That was… a random, unusual philanthropic gesture from me. I must confess that your victory caught me by surprise, as you looked like you didn't even want to participate.

— Well, Mum taught me to swim at an early age, and she really wanted me to participate. But I hate PE with a passion, and it was really embarrassing for me to be in a swimsuit with all those people around. You can guess why.

— Yeah, I can relate, having been pregnant once. Never again.

I couldn't quite hide my amazement. How does such a twiggy lady manage to have a child growing inside such a tiny belly?

— Indeed, I have a daughter. Her name is Violeta, and she will soon be bigger than me. I carried my baby through full term, with no complications, shattering all expectations. I guess I'm a woman after all, ha ha ha. But enough about me; please tell me what brings you here.

I took a long breath.

— Doctor, during the last few weeks it's been difficult for me to concentrate in class, to get asleep, to get enough rest. I sweat way too much. I feel a lot of anxiety, even to the point of paranoia. Sometimes I feel my heart beating too hard and too fast. Sometimes I feel a burning sensation in my chest. And I've been putting on quite some weight, though I'm not sure how much of that is just going through puberty.

— Well, body changes are normal through puberty, and girls grow and develop at different rates.

— I'm aware of that. All my classmates still look like children. I'm the only one with the shape of a grown-up woman at twelve.

— About that. When I was twelve, it was the exact opposite. The other girls were all grown up, while I still look like a ten years old.

— Well, you sure are tiny, even compared to my classmates.

— Yeah, yeah. Now that I think about it, you look a lot like one of mine. Blue eyes, a different hairstyle and nose shape, a slimmer waist, but otherwise she was a dead ringer for you.

— Even her breast size?

— Indeed. She was curvy and gorgeous, and all the boys were crazy for her, but she only had eyes for one boy… who just wasn't ready for a relationship. And it made me cringe that she didn't seem to feel pretty enough, that she wore more make-up than was necessary, plus her dangerously short, tight-fit school pinafore dress… she looked ridiculous.

— Oh, I have some classmates who are like that. Not me, though; I already get way too much attention without doing anything with my looks.

— Well, you seem more like the forbidden snack type, which ironically is more attractive for some men than the overly sexy type.

— … Ach-y-fi.

— … Excuse me? I'm not a native English speaker, and that's a word I haven't heard before.

— Oh, that's a local expression of disgust. Like, it seems like I can't avoid the male gaze.

— That's their problem, Miss Evans, not yours. Don't make it your problem. I've got nothing here, yet men still stare.

— Well, your body type is even more unusual…

— I know. But you have to excuse me, this is getting way off-topic. I don't usually talk to my patients about my own childhood, and I'm talking to you like we knew each other from long ago.

— Well, I don't mind. Yours seems to have been an interesting childhood.

— Indeed, but that's not why you're here. So let me get through this. Most of the issues that you describe are not necessarily associated with puberty, and no sign of pain or discomfort is worth getting glossed over. First of all, please stand on the scale to get your height and weight measured.

I do. To no surprise, I'm overweight. She also checked my heart rate and blood pressure.

— Now, tell me. Tea, coffee, carbonated drinks. How much do you drink each day?

— Not much, actually. I drink a couple cups of tea each day. Unlike the rest of my family, who just can't get enough of it. And they drink green tea, which tastes horrible to me.

— Hmm. What about chocolate?

She stopped talking when she noticed the sheer expression of horror in my face.

— What? Did I hit a nerve, Miss Evans? Please tell me how much do you eat everyday. Answer truthfully.

I started crying uncontrollably. She patiently bears with me through this.

— … Doctor. I have a lot of admirers. Every day I get several boxes of chocolate in the mail. And I can't control myself.

— Well, chocolates have a high calorie count due to their sugar and fat content. And the symptoms you've been experiences are consistent with an excessive chocolate intake.

— And now you're telling me that I have to eat less chocolates. As if my life wasn't horrible enough.

— Well, at least you don't have acne… yet.

— ACNE!? Oh my God! I need to stop eating chocolates right now!

— Well, acne is more of an issue with eating lots of carbohydrates and dairy products, and there's no consensus about the link between acne and chocolate consumption. But I still advise you to reduce the amount of chocolate you eat everyday.

— I understand.

— To prevent acne, you should eat more fruits, vegetables and fish. Drinking green tea is also good against acne, and it has many more health benefits. It contains caffeine, so it too must be consumed in moderation.

— Green tea. As I said, I don't like it.

— Add lemon juice and stevia to it. There are many types of green tea, you just have to find which one is better tasting for you. And brewing it correctly is quite important in order to get it just right, not too bitter or watery.

— Well, thank you.

— I'll prescribe you some medication in order to treat the symptoms you've mentioned. But you should follow my instructions in order to attack their root cause. Stop eating so many chocolates, and come back in a month or so, in order to check your progress. I most likely won't be around, as I travel a lot and I'm currently on a temporary contract, but Dr. Spencer is an experienced paediatrician who will be able to take your case.

— I'll do. Oh, and I have a last question. Do you think I should get a breast reduction? And how do I get it on the NHS?

— Well, first of all, I don't think it's advisable to get one while you're still developing, except in extreme cases of breast hypertrophy. Second, you should get down to a stable weight, and get an assessment with a psychiatrist or psychologist. Third, as there are many women seeking to get breast reduction surgery on the NHS, the waiting list can be up to several years, and a lot of women are being turned down as not meeting their criteria. Also, private treatment is quite expensive. And… would you like me to measure you?

— Yeah, sure.

Her procedure for measuring my breast size is a bit more complicated than what I knew. She then puts the measurements on a spreadsheet, which gets her a bunch of numbers.

— Wearing a good-fitting bra can alleviate many of the issues associated with large breasts. Also, I'm recommending you some exercises that can strengthen your core muscles, and some tips to improve your posture. But I wouldn't advise a breast reduction surgery on someone like you, as its risks and consequences certainly outweigh the possible benefits. They're not that big, actually; you just have a delicate body frame. Your ideal weight is lower than that of other girls of your age and height.

— I understand.

I need to make a lot of sacrifices in order to stop feeling like this. Mum is going to stare me down and tell me: “ I told you, Pam ”. And then I'm asking her what we should do with so all those chocolates.