#The move has really jumbled everything and I Still don't have anywhere to put my books so finding stuff is :

[sysig]

I swear as soon as I dig out their source material I’m gonna start working on them again (Patreon)

[weltenwellen]

Hello, I'm really sorry for bothering you with this.. but you are so good at giving advice I thought maybe I'd be able to reach out. I'm so sorry if I mess up my wording. I'm not the best speaker and get jumbled easily

Back in August I had attempted suicide by overdose after one of my friends had shared very personal information aboute that I had kept hidden from everyone. I made a lot of mistakes in my current relationship that ties in heavily with my bpd and having very large "memory gaps." That when everything was laid out on the table it put me in a tailspin. My SO (who I had hurt the most) still decided to stay with me.

I had no memory of a lot of the things I had done and I hurt a lot of people because of it (these things include having been pressured into sex twice and manipulated by several people I had otherwise called "friends" into sexual activities over text.). For a week after getting out of the hospital I was in a deep state of dissociation caused by the ptsd of having the people I'm closest to lash out at me. And I'm still recovering today, I can't take medications and any kind of stress makes me physically ill.

Anyways, my SO had me move in with him 400 miles from where I used to live. We had been LD for a little over 3 years. And now that I'm living with him we had begun to fight more often. He has bipolar and sometimes our illnesses butt heads. He says how he can't look at me sometimes, how he doesn't feel like he's in love with me, how he wishes we could go back to what we were. And I've learned my lesson. I no longer want to hide from anyone or live in a false reality from all the denial.

Over the last three months of me living with him it had gotten to the point where he had gone behind my back to have sexual encounters with a girl he had told me they were just friends and he's never had any interest in her... It had taken me two years to trust him with her, and be comfortable with him going to see her since she struggles with suicide as well. And it hurts a lot.

I am now trapped between, I deserved this for my mistakes and being hurt that he did this to me when I've spent the last 6 months doing everything in my power to be the best I can be. He's told me it wasnt his idea and he regretted it immediately. He's asked me to forgive him and to trust him again. But I'm struggling. I had only found out by looking through his phone (which I'm not proud of, I had just caught him in one lie and needed to know if there was more)

A lot of people have told me to leave but I can't do that, I do still love him more than anything in my life. Despite how bad it's gotten he has treated me better than anyone else in my life. I mostly just.. don't know how to move forward. Most days I'm numb to it but it'll pop up and make me feel so sick from stress. I need to know whether or not I'm... Reacting normally..? Or if I'm overthinking everything because I do that so often...

“I deserved this for my mistakes and being hurt that he did this to me” is not a thought that should make you stay with someone and beyond that, it’s not something from which a relationship can grow from & become healthy. there is no basis of trust & what is any relationship without it? on both sides there is and was dishonesty with him not even being honest and upfront about his infidelity. 

“Despite how bad it's gotten he has treated me better than anyone else in my life.” sounds like you’re at least to some degree aware that you're staying in a relationship which is toxic and is not going anywhere. i think it’s not even about the relationship but about your lack of self-esteem and respect for your own well-being. you do not leave because you think you deserve this relationship because of the mistakes you made and the lack of self-esteem makes it impossible for you to think you deserve better, for you to know that you deserve to be treated with kindness and be loved fully. your stress exists because you’re not at peace with your past & because you’re in an unhealthy relationship. those two things intertwined are a ticking time bomb. a lack of certain standards in relationships because of a lack of self-love always reminds me of a quote from the netflix special called “jigsaw” by daniel sloss where he says: 

“You have to learn to love yourself before you can allow someone else to do it as well. That’s it. There’s nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to work out who you are before you go out there into the dating world, because how can you offer who you are if you don’t know who you are? There’s nothing wrong with being selfish for a bit because you’ve got the rest of your life to be selfless.

If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30% and you’re like, “Wow, that’s so much.” It’s literally less than half. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, that means a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special, and that’s something every one of us deserves.”

take the necessary steps to seek distance to this relationship. if you feel like you cannot end it right now that’s ok but you need to eliminate the daily stress that is coming from this relationship. sort out what has taken place, how you feel / felt and find out how you want to move forward. I think it is hard if not impossible to do that in an unhealthy / toxic environment and while living with him.

[azurevi]

on land where we can touch the moon (2/?)

PART 1 PART 3

A quick note- this is pretty messy. I'm planning as I write, so there'll be information scattered across the words, and it may be overwhelming...kinda. I have added a little note about what happened in this chapter in the end. This series is also up on ao3.

There is, naturally, a reason Azul was stuck with the name 'The Sea Merchant'.

It wasn't a bad name, and there was no hint of degradation in it. It just wasn't particularly suiting. Azul wasn't a merchant. He wasn't even a shopkeeper. He was just invested in a little magic, and this hobby of his got leaked out somehow. 

His magic was certainly something. It's A Deal allowed him to confiscate another person's valued quality in exchange for their wish. Anything could come to life as long as the deal was equal.

Only the drunk and people in desperate need of help ever went to him for help. After Azul had started mastering his magic, he reckoned that it hadn't been used to its full potential. If the person on the other side of the deal failed to meet the requirement, Azul could take even more from them without suffering any loss. 

And so he sugarcoated and exaggerated his words, put up the most professional smile he could manage. For a few weeks all was well. He'd gained himself a melodious voice, splendid flexibility and a ton of unique magics, but nothing great ever lasted. He was soon exposed as a scammer and his notoriety was whispered among the streets, passed on and on until every family warned their kids not to ever run into him. And Azul, with his fame and prosperity wilting under the gossip and points of fingers, was forced into giving up his success.

He had been in hiding ever since.

He could never understand how something as atrocious could happen to him. If it hadn't been for the sneers and isolation in the entirety of his childhood, he wouldn't have grown up hating everything and everyone around him that called him ugly, unwanted, repulsive. It should've justified his desire for revenge.

Instead, God decided that his suffering was not anywhere close to enough and kicked him down the cliff where he was crying for help.

That being said, Azul was grateful to have Jade and Leech sticking around after everything. The two of them were also unpopular among others, so they eventually got close as a tight-knitted trio.

"No you didn't," Jade said firmly. 

"I did, Jade. I did," Azul sighed, "They were dying, Jade, I couldn't just let them die,"

"Well, you should've."

"Don't be so uptight. Azul was doing the right thing, wasn't he?" Floyd winked. "So. Were they good-looking?"

"What?"

"The human. You must've saved them for a reason,"

Azul hated how Floyd's words implied that he would never do good unless there was something in it for him, but one could never lie in the face of truth. 

"I just didn't want to let them die. It was their birthday,"

"What does that have to do with everything?" Jade asked. "You went above the water. You saved a human. You were almost caught. You could've died up there, you know. How did you even manage to breathe?"

"I just… did." Azul said, twirling his tentacles in nervousness. Jade was entirely disapproving of his actions, while Floyd on the contrary seemed to be mildly intrigued. 

Everything still felt like a fever dream. All the fireworks and cheering and explosion were still vividly scorched into his mind as if they'd been put on repeat. The splendid colors, light giggles and- 

And those beautiful eyes of yours. The way your hair flowed in the night sky with ease, how you laughed like tomorrow was promised and your life had been planned out before you, a clear and untainted path to success. Azul couldn't decide on whether he was jealous or amazed.

"Well, you better hope they didn't really see you, or that they forgot about it. If the humans come down here to hunt us down-" Jade couldn't even bear to finish the imagination. He simply shook his head in dismay.

"I swear I saw someone! I couldn't have just been washed ashore!"

"Apparently, you were," Jack said, stroding with large steps that had you panting to keep up. "Near-death experiences do things to our mind, your majesty,"

"That may be the case for others, but I'm sure I was conscious," you retorted. "I woke up to a pair of pale, azure eyes, then in a blink they were behind the rock. If it hadn't been for you-"

"I apologize for worrying about you, your majesty."

You bit your tongue. Fighting with Jack always ended with him being passive-aggressive and you stepping back reluctantly. Plus he was as stern as a rock. Almost nothing could move his belief.

Shouting and grunting could be heard from inside the medical room where Ace, Deuce and Grim were being tended to.

Jack flung open the door, and the three stumbled to get into the blankets and put on a excruciated expression.

"I see you're all healed up," Jack said. Ace hummed lowly and slapped his forehead with the back of his hand. 

"I'm at death's door, commander. It pains me to say this, but I might need to take more days off,"

Jack was quiet for a while, and you could almost see a drop of sweat sliding down Ace's forehead.

"And you, Deuce?" Jack challenged.

"I'm traumatized," 

"And Grim?"

You arched your brow, at which he shivered in fear. "I- I'm feeling fine already,"

"So it's just Ace and Deuce, right?" Jack said. Ace and Deuce nodded their heads so hard they could fall off.

"Alright. Your health is of utmost importance to us, so I'll contact the Raven Healer…"

"The what?!" Deuce's voice croaked.

"The Raven Healer. Surely you've heard of him. He's best known for being able to treat any diseases, both mentally and physically,"

You were sure there were sweats rolling down Ace's cheeks now. "But- but doesn't he heal by using bizzare mediciness…?"

"Oh yes. His magic is what makes him such an infallible doctor. You two seem to be in a lot of pain. I'm sure he'll free you of your suffering."

You turned sharply towards the door and stifled a laughter. 

"That's… not very necessary…" Deuce's voice faltered word by word. He was fully aware that he'd already lost. "You know what, commander? I think I can dive back into work right this instant!"

Jack smirked smugly. "Splendid. And you, Ace?"

The two of them stared at each other so intensely there seemed to be sparkles between them. Finally, Ace gave in. "I'll start work tomorrow,"

They didn't even wait for Jack to walk completely out of the door to whine. They looked fully healthy, even more energized than you.

"Anyways, did you find your saviour?"

You sighed. Ace and Deuce were still skeptical about your 'story', which you'd corrected to 'experience', but at least they were open-minded. 

"No clues. I've had guards patrolling about every two hours. Nothing has yet to happen,"

They eyed each other uneasily, then back at you with a worried face. Before they could make assumptions, you defended yourself. "No, I'm not sick. My head's not concussed,"

"Well," Grim scurried to your lap. "Perhaps your saviour doesn't wish to be found?"

That'd be unwanted. You would wish for anything but to create troubles for your lifesaver. Nonetheless, you knew you wouldn't be able to sleep without sending your gratitude. 

Alright, there might be a selfish motif. You were admittedly curious about those light, pensive eyes and silvery, gleaming hair under sunlight. All these unknown were like a gravity pool, pulling you deeper and deeper into the mystery.

"Well, you ought not to lose hope," Ace patted your shoulder casually, like you weren't the princette of the kingdom he was serving for. "Maybe you'll actually run into him. Fate has a weird habit for setting unexpected traps."

It wasn't so much love as a tender curiosity, but the line segregating them was so flimsy that one's got to mix them up at some point.

Azul found himself in such a dilemma. He couldn't decide whether it was attraction or nosiness that he was feeling. Either way, it's got him hooked like a drug. Something beautiful had finally entered his life like light piercing through a thick fog of ink, and it was possessive. Azul had a feeling that it wouldn't go away until it had drained him of his mind.

The door to his room was thrown open and Azul had to hide the peeled petals and green stem in a jumble. He had been chanting 'they love me, they love me not' for the past hour. To his luck, Jade and Leech didn't seem to have noticed his haste expression. They were both panting when they swam inside.

"What's wrong?" Azul's first instinct was that something had gone south.

"There-" Floyd wheezed. "There's a sta-"

"There's a fallen statue in the Coral Maze," Jade finished the sentence. "People are fussing over it,"

"Okay," Azul eased back into his bed. He'd already lost interest at 'Coral Maze'. It was at the centre of where the majority of sea creatures inhabited. Nothing could make him go anywhere near civilization and its hubristic aesthetic again.

Or so he thought.

"No- you don't get it. It's a statue of a human that sank along with wreckages of a big ship, and it's made of gold,"

A statue made of gold.

He recalled it now. It was supposed to be your birthday present. The consternation of what followed the present revelation had been so intense that it'd washed the memory of the statue out.

"We just thought that it could be the statue you mentioned in your story, you know? It looked really grand…" Floyd sighed.

Azul wanted to get up and swim over right there, right then, but he knew he couldn't. What would others say to him the moment they saw the shadows of their tentacles crawling on their pure and oh-so royal ground? What accusations would they throw his way? How many children will be led away from him like he was some man-eating, brutal abomination?

Not to mention the unforgiving rage he'd evoked in trying to scam them in the past. Dishonesty was highly criticised in their high-class society. It was as if they were saints that had never done one thing wrong. Bet they'd never even stayed up past midnight.

"You ought to come take a look!" Floyd suggested. A casual, friendly proposal.

"No," Azul snapped. "No, no. I'm not going there,"

"They're planning to use the gold," Jade said. "You know how they are. They see one thing from the ground and start screeching in pain,"

They were going to use your statue. The statue that was perhaps the only thing that was related to you, the one way to never have to forget about you again in case that you never met again.

And to imagine the effect it'd add to his collections! A big gold statue in the centre of his grotto, accentuated by the sparkling of other jewelries. It'd be complete.

"I'll sit on it," Azul decided. He was not to act rashly, lest he walked one step wrong and brought upon himself misery and misfortune. If he really was to pay a visit, he would act in secret. Perhaps in the veil of the night. 

"Just don't act alone, okay?" Jade said. Azul nodded despite not paying any mind to him.

In the dead of the night Azul decided to sneak out. Alone. It was a mistake, really. Azul couldn't stop thinking about your statue, and by the time he realized how absurd it was, he'd already gone to the Coral Maze.

There was nary a shadow except his own. Still, it was much lighter than where he lived even at night. The distorted image of the moon waved from above as Azul made his way through the many identical corals. Then he finally found your majestic statue standing solemnly in the centre. The only beauty in the water.

It was a sight for sore eyes. White, pure light reflected off the gold and created streams of gleams onto the ground. That someone would ever find it to be disgraceful was incomprehensible to Azul. Something like this deserved to be put on display in the museum for all to see.

There was no radiance on your face and no splendid colors in your eyes. It was merely a fraction of what you were. Nonetheless, it was enough for Azul.

"Who's roaming there?" an alerted voice asked. When Azul turned, he saw a silhouette looming from outside the Coral Maze, holding two anglerfishes in hands and waving them in the water.

Panic was the only thing Azul felt as he hid behind the statue, struggling to keep his tentacles out of sight. The light stayed right in front of him for a while before skimming away.

Azul grabbed the statue and swam, pushing his tentacles through the water as hard as he could. 

"Wait there- oh goodness!" 

There were several voices now, mumbling and inquiring. Then light was casted upon his flitting figure and there were bemused gasps before someone yelled, "Seize him!"

Azul was out of breath. He wished he excelled in fitness but instead he was stuck with incongruous tentacles that would never cooperate at the most needed times.

A hand grasped the end of his tentacle but slipped off. He kept the statue tight in his arms, as if his life depended on it. He could tell that they were near now, and was trying very hard not to imagine the gruesome outcomes.

Someone grabbed his tentacles. He faltered and was pulled back despite protests.

"Keep him in place!" another person yelled as the crowd moved to keep Azul fenced in.

Azul couldn't see anything. Everything was a poor mixture of shadow and distaste and sneers. He was probably going to die right there.

"I can't believe you have the guts to come back, Ashengrotto. After all the things you've done!" someone spoke up.

"Yeah! How shameless of you!”

"And he's stealing our properties now! Imagine how desperate he is,"

"You guys don't even want it!" Azul said.

Some guy lurched forward. Azul cowered backwards.

"It's disgusting, yes, but it's still gold." he said as if it was a completely just thing to do. "It landed on our ground, so it belongs to us. On the contrary, you don't have the rights to lay your filthy hands on it. What more do you want to steal from us?"

"I'm taking this because none of you understand the beauty of it!"

This evoked a negative reaction from the crowd, but words could never be taken back. Azul could feel his heart pounding like a prisoner hellbent on escaping. He had to escape. No more of this degrading gazes. No more of the points of fingers.

"Beauty?" the guy scoffed, and for a moment his face scrunched up and he was ready to spit out rage, but then it softened into a smug smirk. "I guess only ugly understands ugly, huh?"

Azul's head throbbed.

"It doesn't justify your actions, ink-blasting thief. Hand that piece of trash over right- uff!"

He was flung deep into the water until he disappeared into nothing but a black dot. People around Azul immediately made way as they fled in screams and wails. His tentacle was still tingling with the impact, but he couldn't quite feel it. Even if he did, he couldn't care less as he skyrocketed to the surface of the water. He blinked and blinked, but his eyes were still blurred by what would be mixed into the seawater eventually. 

He'd had enough. Heard enough, seen enough. If he'd spent one more second down there he would have suffocated to death.

The familiar freshness of air welcomed him the moment he broke through the water's persistence. The land wasn't far ahead. He swam towards it as if it was his sanctuary. 

There was a man sitting on the rock, face hidden under the hood. Azul considered retreating. He had no idea what would happen to him if he was spotted, but nothing better would happen if he were to go back. So he continued swimming and crawled onto the cool soft sand, only letting his head be seen by the man as he hid behind yet another rock where he placed the much valued statue.

He seemed to be asleep, chest heaving up and down at a steady pace. Just as Azul started sliding out, the man raised his head and looked straight at Azul.

They were a pair of humming, white circles, seemingly void of any sentiments. The man had a mask on that shielded his face except for his tightly shut lips. Two crows were staring right at him with the same uncanny manner.

"You've finally arrived," the man said.

Probably the humans had been searching for him. Azul decided to keep his mouth shut.

"I've been hearing your calls…" he tilted his head. "You can come out. I know what you are,"

Azul still hesitated. But he was much closer to the ocean than to the guy, so he slowly let his tentacles into light.

The man remained calm, not a bit taken back by the revelation.

"Well, I've been hearing your calls…" he resumed.

"I never called out to any humans,"

"Not literally. But you have been calling out a lot," he smiled amiably. "You have to know that it's especially hard for me to hear from creatures undersea, so if your wishes managed to reach me, it means you're pretty desperate,"

"I think you have the wrong person," Azul said and started retreating.

The guy sprang up and his crows curled up together beside him. "Wait- I should introduce myself first. I'm the Raven Healer,"

Azul pondered for a while. "That doesn't explain anything except for the crows,"

"You lots haven't heard of me?" he frowned so deep that his brows and eyes were a cluster. "You guys are really secluded,"

That was when Azul finally realized that he knew about them. About all the lives and creatures that inhabited the deep sea.

"And I mean no harm to your realm. My only target is you," he smiled again, this time at an ominous angle.

"Well, I'm quite famous in this realm. I heal people for a living, whether it be physical or emotional needs. Anything you need, I can grant you,"

That's not very different from Azul's magic. 

"Sometimes, when someone is really desperate for a change, their thoughts can be heard by my crows. And you, Azul Ashengrotto…" his smile dropped a bit and his eyes drooped. "is particularly distressed,"

"Alright. It was nice meeting you," Azul nodded respectfully. The man didn't seem to be harmful. If he fled right now, he could probably throw him off.

The Raven Healer stilled, then burst into piles of blatant laughter. "No, no. I've been looking for you, don't you get it? I'm here to grant your wish!"

I'm here to grant your wish. Like how Azul'd promoted his business as the Sea Merchant.

"I understand that you've been suffering quite a lot, and that you want a change. But nothing ever comes without a cost… I'm sure you can understand,"

The healer stood up, the material of his greatcoat fluttering in the wind. He made his way freely to Azul, who could only freeze up as he inspected the statue with great interest.

"The heir to the throne! I see why you're desperate now. They're a real catch," the healer then looked down at the outstretched tentacles without a word. Azul prayed in his mind that he would turn away from them.

"Well, here are my terms. I will grant you a pair of legs in exchange for your magic,"

Wait, what?

Azul was pretty sure the Raven Healer was just imitating him now. A great figure appearing out of the blue to answer your hopes. The catch was that the figure would always take away your most important thing. It was never a fair deal, Azul was aware.

"I don't think you need my magic," Azul breathed.

"Why, I do!" he exclaimed. "Collecting magic is a splendid hobby of mine! It is because of all these magic that I am such a renowned magician,"

He was obviously lying. His smile couldn't reach his eyes, and the orbs where his eyes were supposed to be were humming like a hazard label.

"I think I'll be just fine," Azul hurriedly brought the statue to his chest and started sliding away.

"...How are you going to survive?"

"What?" Azul swiveled, exhausted.

"Up here. With your…" the healer wiggled his fingers.

"I'll find a way,"

"No you won't," the healer protested. Azul looked up to the sky, took a deep breath and decided to entertain him. 

"Why so?"

"You're gonna cause ruckus. Chaos. People are not especially used to seeing half-man half-octopuses roaming their land," he said honestly. 

Despite knowing all this, Azul still considered his word rude. There was a thin line between blunt and disrespectful, and he'd just crossed it. 

"There won't be anyone dealing with you, will there?"

"...I suppose not-"

"Exactly! I am your only hope!" he exclaimed once again, throwing his hands up in the air like a dramatist. "Unless you want to go back?"

Azul glanced at the serene water. He knew that down there, the mermaids and mermen must be panicking over what'd just happened.

"You can't hold onto that statue forever. If you really wish to stay here-"

"I just came, Mr. Healer. I'm not going to stay,"

"Yet. Come on now," he groaned, as if he was the one exasperated. "I know you want it. You need it. So what are you waiting for? You're never going to see all the beauties in this world in this state!"

He was right. Agonizingly right. He couldn't just walk around as an octopus. It would be like a stain on a quaint painting. Moreover, now that he was here, he couldn't just give up the chance to find you again. It's not like the ocean would welcome him anyways.

As if hearing his thoughts, the Raven Healer reached his hand out, "Deal? Your magic for a pair of legs. It's a fantastic trade if you think about it,"

One second. Two second. Azul didn't wait until the third to act on it. The moment their skin touched, Azul felt a stream of warmth coursing through him, rushing to his throat, where he choked up a luminous blue orb. It was within the healer's fingers within seconds.

"And your legs," he rummaged inside his pocket. There seemed to be numerous tiny objects inside as he dug around. Finally, he pulled up a thumb-size bottle and handed it to Azul.

He downed the slimy liquid inside under the healer's encouraging nods, and almost gagged at the sensation. "Guh! What the hell is-"

His tentacles started glowing a bright yellow, bright enough to attract people in this dead of the night. They started to shrink until they completely disappeared, and a pair of human legs replaced them.

He couldn't believe his eyes as he stretched around and surveyed the changes on his body. It took him quite some time to adjust to it, but he was surprisingly good at it. The fabric of the pants that came with the gift fluttered against his 'flesh' like a mother's caress. He felt normal, for once. Not some ugly monster that preyed on innocent kids. Not a marginalized criminal. Not even a wicked fraud. He was just a human wanting to explore the world.

"Three days," the Raven Healer said.

"What?" Azul was too joyous to pay real mind.

"If you can't find the most beautiful thing after three days, you will dissolve into sea bubbles,"

Azul stilled as he comprehended his words, then he started to chant no in his mind. He'd fallen for his trap.

"You didn't mention it at all!" Azul yelled. "Refund! You're scamming me!"

"The pot's calling the kettle black now. How comical," the healer giggled. Azul's heart dropped to the bottom.

"Consider this your own medicine. It's not like you're completely at loss over here!"

"Wait!" Azul reached out to grasp his fainting figure, which had become an opaque vision. 

"We shall reunite in three days. Until then, enjoy."

All that was left was the crashing of the waves and songs of the crickets. Bathed in the glow of the moon, Azul finally came to the conclusion that he'd fucked up.

Life never stopped to give him a break. There were haste footsteps nearing from behind. Azul instinctively retracted his tentacles, but forgot about their absence and tripped instead.

"Yikes! That was a nasty fall. Are you okay?" 

Looking up, two formally looking men were standing above him, one with crimson hair and another navy. There was a sword attached to each of their sides.

"Yeah. I-I'm fine," Azul cleared his throat and stood up.

"Are you homeless?" The redhead asked and was immediately hit by his companion.

"You can't go around asking people whether they are homeless!" he scolded, then turned to Azul brightly. "You must be in search of shelter! Please follow us!"

"That isn't any better," 

"Shut up," the blue-haired snapped with the same polite smile. "Come on, Mr…?"

"A-Azul. Azul Ashengrotto,"

"Yes, Mr. Ashengrotto. We can't have you catching a cold out here,"

Despite his friendly facade, Azul could see underlying motives lurking beneath. But clueless that he was, he didn't have a choice but to follow suit towards the castle-like building in the far distance.

"Your majesty will be pleased to see you," the redhead murmured, but Azul couldn't quite catch that.

"What was that?" he asked.

"It's nothing," was all that he received. "Just that you'll surely love the place."

Conclusion : Azul had once gone around scamming others with his unique magic but was busted and had been further criticised since. The Raven Healer is obviously Crowley, and his magic will be further explained in next chapter.

[edgeofmyniall]

six: no judgement

storypage | playlist | taglist | thoughts

“When you're with me, no judgement. We can get that from everyone else, and we don't have to prove nothing. When you're with me, no judgement”

There were only a few times in Ginger’s life that she felt like the spotlight was on her, and the one that comes to mind at this moment was the first article she read about her and Niall. They were coming home from a music festival outside of Los Angeles, and they stopped at Langer’s to grab a bite to eat. The group was hot and sticky with sweat and the paparazzi happened to snap a picture of Ginger hugging Niall after they had left the eatery. She was hungover and if she was honest, still high off the subtle touches that Niall had lingered at the dip of her back and where she had slept in the same bed as Niall when Stella woke up early to go out for a jog. Ginger insisted on sleeping on the couch since she was the only single person there, but Stella all but forced her to sleep in the bed. Niall woke up sleepily and smiled as he heard Ginger’s soft moans from her getting decent sleep and the way her red curls sprawled across the pillow. In the middle of nowhere, he was home.

Mystery fox pictured cozying up with Niall Horan. Friend or more? The article title had always been in the back of Ginger’s head, but the rumors were debunked when Niall was seen snogging Stella at a Fleetwood Mac concert a week later. She was old news as per usual. 

But here in her room where Stella looks at her accusingly was the most intense spotlight moment.

“You…” Stella tries to blink the betrayal away, but it’s still there in Ginger’s phone- the hard evidence staring her in her face. “were a part of this?” Her question already had an answer, Stella knew that, but her own cousin? “How could you?” Ginger looks at her cousin like a deer caught in headlights. 

“I...tried…” Ginger tried coming up with an excuse, an explanation, anything to make this right. “I told him no,” Ginger’s heart sinks knowing the heavyweight of the lie she executed would carry. “We’re just friends, I swear.” Stella’s brow furrows more and she begins to nervously scratch her scalp right above her ear.

“Yeah, okay. Sure. And friends send pictures of themselves in their underwear? Whadda load of bullshit,” Stella’s southern accent fills the room- the one thing from home she hides until she’s angry. “Get out.”

“Stell…” Ginger takes a step towards her cousin, but in disgust, Stella leans away from her best friend. “I-”

“Get the fuck out of my house.” Stella has a tight grip on Ginger’s phone, and Ginger feels her world crashing around her. The downward spiral she was on came to crashing halt and she was wreaking havoc everywhere she went. Ginger, with tear-filled eyes, turns around and walks down the stairs letting her guilt and regret consume her. Her tears sting her face and she knows it’s her punishment for doing something so stupid, so careless- so selfish. Grabbing her keys, she quietly closes the door and it’s when she climbs in her car, she lets out the sob she was holding in. Her nose became stopped up and her head was hurting as she let the entirety of her sorrow come down her pale skin. She couldn’t stay here knowing that Stella didn’t want to be anywhere near her. She didn’t put up a fight because why fight something you know you’re guilty of. 

The car ride was silent as she sniffled away her tears. She turned into the gated community and nods at the security guard as he scans her code that’s pasted on the side of her driver’s back window. “Tough night?” Ginger’s huffs at the man’s question before she speeds through the small subdivision. The house she was racing to sat in the back and she was there only a few days ago. The white iron gate was closed and as far as she could tell, the house was abandoned- the lights were out and it’s eerily dark for his house to be. She pressed her birthday into the keypad and the gate began to roll away. It was when she was parking in the driveway that the kitchen light came on; she knew he had seen her car through the security cameras. The side door opened and Niall stood in the doorway confused as to why Ginger was there.

“She kicked me out,” Ginger half yelled as she made her way up the walkway. She stopped on the bottom step before looking up at him. All of the courage she had built up on the ride over here vanished when he looked at her. 

“I know,” he said cold and as-a-matter-of-factly. “She cussed me out because of it. Wanted me to know I could burn in hell,” Ginger held her breath and she felt herself wanting to cry again. She had hurt him, she knows that, but for Niall to turn her away too, Ginger would be devastated. Ginger feels the ping of guilt run its course through her body and she lowers her head against the counter. She wanted to be as far away from Niall and Stella so what in the fresh hell was she doing here? “So…”

“Listen,” Ginger sighs before picking her head up, “I know I’m the last person you want to see. I couldn’t even give you an answer, but I’ve got nowhere else to go. I’ll sleep on the couch if I have to,” Ginger sniffles and wipes the remaining mascara off her face. There was a moment of intense silence before Niall nodded his head back and moved out of the doorway, “C’mon. Getin here.”

When Ginger stands in the kitchen, leaning on the granite kitchen island, Niall brought her a bottle of vodka and pushed it towards her. “You’re not drinkin’?” Ginger hiccups from the sob fest she gave herself and then pushed the circular tip to her lips and let the stinging liquid burn the back of her throat. The hot alcohol settled in her stomach and she began to warm up. 

“Nah, did enough of that already.” His hands were firmly on the counter as he watched Ginger press the back of her hand to her closed mouth and shake the bad taste out of her mouth. His eyes were rimmed with red and his hair was tousled out of frustration- he looked as if the few minutes he was alone, he had been drinking or crying. Maybe both. Ginger noticed a half-empty glass of iced bourbon and the brown liquor bottle sitting on the counter opened. “Why didn’t ya call?” 

“She…” Ginger lifted the bottle again only to put it down. She needed a clear head. “Stella still has my phone. She’s probably smashed it and burned it by now.” Niall nods his head. “Oh God, what if she runs a story about you to the press? Jesus, Niall, I didn’t...fuck. I’ve ruined your entire career.” 

Niall cups the back of his neck and rubs his tanned skin and laughs slightly. “She won’t. Or she’ll be out of a job. She isn’t that big of a bitch.” Niall looks at Ginger sheepishly and begins to tap his thumbs against the counter mindlessly.  A low hum follows and Ginger follows the rhythmic voice into another dissociative state. She’s concentrating on the condensation water drop that’s forming on the rim of Niall’ glass finally allowing all the questions she should have asked herself in the beginning to jumble through her mind. What had she done? How could she fix it? Why Niall? And why in the hell Stella? Why did she feel anything more than brotherly love for Niall? Why was she so important to him? Because everything Stella is, she isn’t. What would her family think? Her mother say? 

Niall’s phone vibrated and both guilty parties looked at the screen and up at each other when they saw the caller id. Ginger clenched her body and stopped mid-swallow to hang on to each word that Niall was about to say. Ginger held up a finger to her lips, begging Niall not to mention her being here. He nodded and slid his finger across the screen and put the call on speaker.

“Yes?” Niall’s voice was smooth, velvety smooth- almost too smooth for the situation going on. Stella could get suspicious. He leaned his elbows on the counter and rested his head on his fist.

“Where is she?” Stella’s sharp voice cuts Ginger at her core. It was the hurt that Ginger had caused that was blowing up in her face, and she knew it was a defense mechanism that Stella perfected. 

“Who?” Niall was playing a little too cool for Ginger’s liking but she dared not to move or breathe too hard afraid she would blow her cover. 

“You know the fuck who. Where is she?” Stella huffed and Ginger imagined Stella still sitting in her cousin’s bed going through her phone. 

“I don’t know. She hasn’t called me,” Niall’s voice was turning to worry. He was playing the part well.

“Well, she fucking can’t because I have her phone. But she would have gone to you. She has no one else.” “Stella, she’s got people. We just don’t know-”

“Her co-worker? I’ll call her, but if you see her.. I don’t care if she lives or dies at this point. She is the most disgusting volatile person I have ever met and she-” Niall picks the phone up and takes the speaker off. Niall closes his eyes as if he’s disappointed in himself. Was it that he didn’t get the phone to his ear in time or that he continues to allow the erratic behavior to continue? Ginger stands frozen. She’s hurt and feels like crying, but the security guard got the last of her tears. She’s becoming numb to the low blows and hissing words that are spat in her face. Niall catches a quick glimpse of Ginger standing in his kitchen completely emotionless staring at a knob on one of his drawers. “Stella, you really-” Ginger could hear the yelling and the indecent slanders. She knew they would come, but for them to come at her and Niall, she wasn’t prepared no matter how much she thought the entire situation through. It was the silence that made Ginger look up at Niall.

“When did you hang up?” Ginger’s face feels hot and one look at him makes her breathing hard. She feels her chest start to cave in and she knows the tears are coming, but she doesn’t know how to stop them. She feels like she’s drowning in her own ocean of tears and there’s no life preserver or a rescue boat in sight. She’s treading the waters, but the rough waves of other people’s anger and disappointment come down on her pushing her into the water, and she’s swallowing down the salty words that sting her nose and lungs when she could be breathing in the fresh air. 

It was a fluid-like movement when Ginger hit the ground. She felt her knees buckle, but she knew that they never touched the tile floor. She felt the cold air sweep under her as Niall wrapped his arm under her knees and lifted her off her feet. His arm crooked around her back and hse rolled into his chest, hoping that maybe this was a safe place to be. The beating of Niall’s heart was melodic to Ginger. If her world was crashing and burning, this is where she would want to die. Niall carries Ginger to his bedroom- to the one room of his house that brought them together that night. His knee makes a dip into the well-made bed and Ginger rolls out of the embrace as Niall hovers over her. He pushes her hair out of her face, shushing her sobs and kisses her gently on the forehead. It was when Niall left the room that Ginger felt the magnificence of her heartbreak. Her best friend, her sister, her cousin. How could she have done such a thing? How could she have been so gullible into acting in such a heinous way? Her family ties are severed and her mother would be so disappointed. 

“Hey,” Niall’s voice soothes the sobbing. He sits something down on the nightstand and climbs into bed with Ginger. He scoots his warm body over to hers and wraps his arms around her body, pulling her in. The melodic heartbeat eases Ginger and she feels like she has a fighting chance. Niall begins to hum and the rhythm is something of memory to her. Something she heard in her childhood. Something her dad would sing to her. Ginger loses her fight against her crying. “It’s alright. I’m here,” Niall coos. “It’s just me, petal.”

Ginger feels the last tear roll across her under eye and down her nose. She sniffles as Niall kisses the top of her head. Ginger’s head is resting on the inner muscle of Niall’s bicep and it feels as if the way they mold together- the way they fit in one another’s arms was as if they were made for each other. 

“I love you,” Ginger says, her voice shaky and uncertain of the things to come. “More than I ever could have imagined.” It was Niall that was there for her when she needed it. It was Niall that was there to protect her, to pick her up when she felt down, to make her laugh, cry, to make her see things as what they truly were, to make her realize that life is more than pinning for someone who treated you horribly. It was Niall that made Ginger want to believe that love like the movies and books exist, and in their own twisted way, they were living out the greatest love story ever written because Niall was there when no one else was. Ginger’s sudden realization brought on the fact that she had a lot to catch up too. Niall had already fallen hard and fast for Ginger, and she barely held the baton in the race. She was terrified for what was to come, but she knew that the falling would be the biggest jump of her life. 

“Tomorrow, we’re getting out of here,” Niall said, his voice sultry, but Ginger wasn’t paying attention to his words, it was the smile she felt when she said those three words again. 

If it had to be that Ginger would face an entire ocean of judgment and scrutiny because of her decisions, she would be willing to do it with Niall.

Because for her, nothing else mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@oyesmendes​ @klairelavarias @thicksniall​ @dontgiveupthedayjob​ kare38 @verorax​ @stayclose-holdsteady​ @halfpinthoran​

[afrocentric-divination]

Hi! I've paid. I've been wanting to get a reading from you for a minute. I don't have a boo or anything because in the past I've pretty much just ended up isolating myself from relationships to work and make money. I'm currently transition to a job that better on all fronts, but I may have missed out on some things. So I guess my question is romantically what is going on with me? I'm typically good at getting what I want, but this evades me.

Hey love, thank you for ordering! I’m so glad you decided to let me read for you 🖤

So first off, this reading as a couple of positions and a couple of "free" cards or cards that I interpret intuitively about what their meaning is. Throughout the reading, I will let you know what cards are for what and their position.

The Relationship Now - 2 of Wands

This card is a wonderful card to start with, as you have already mentioned that you are not in a relationship right now, but with this card, it says that there is work being done on both sides. You and this other person are actively thinking about love, even if it leads to dead ends and while it seems tiring to keep going and pursue something that seems like it doesn't align with your life, you both still take a chance every day to keep your heart a little bit open for the other to finally walk in your life. This card is also an encouraging one, telling to keep your head up. That eventually, you will gain the love you seek and that you still have a few steps to take to get what you desire. Some work with yourself needs to happen (and with this other person as well) before a foundation can start, but know that your love is coming. Don't give up hope just yet.

You - 9 of Pentacles, 8 of Swords, Wheel of Fortune

These cards are the “Free” cards as well as the next set of cards below. These cards talk about you and this other potential person and what is going on in you all’s life. 

There is confidence and there is a material life that is comfortable. You are able to get what you need and sometimes what you want. You are happy where you are in regards to your work life and you might even have a stable group of friends and loved ones that support you at all times. In the physical world, it seems like you go it all together, with how you present yourself and how you connect with others. But its the complete opposite in your mind. Your thoughts are always jumbled, they're always going, and it's hard to make sense of how you feel. You may feel from time to time but your mind always over thinks things and it becomes confusing for you to understand who you are and where you stand, regardless of how the outside looks. This unsureness is something that may have gotten in the way of past relationships, something that blocked you from the other persona in what ultimately made the other person frustrated with you. When asked the simple but loaded question, "How do you feel," you could never really answer, or you always used the go-to answer, "I'm good," or, "I'm fine." Over time, you never telling your feelings as you should in a relationship led to you not telling your jumbled thoughts to you not saying anything. The silence then became overshadowing, taking over the relationship and what pushed past lovers away in the end.

That second half was all from the 8 of Swords, but the good things about that card are that it is possible to get out of the problem you have created in your head and ultimately, creating in your real world. And it's really simple. You have to just talk. Tell people how you feel even when you're not certain. Let them into your world and take them on a ride of how your mind works. Opening yourself up is making yourself vulnerable, and while having a perfect a relationship sounds great, it is not realistic. What is realistic is sometimes crying on the shoulder of a loved one because you're confused, or walking back and forth ranting because a relative goes on your nerves, or weighing your options out loud so they know where you stand. You don't have to be as sure and stable in your mind as your public life seems to be. But just like your active in your public life, and active in your mentality, be active in connecting with other mentalities, as connections lead to relationships.

Try practicing with your friends or relatives, as I have a feeling you've also been putting up a facade with them too. Yes, it's going to be nerve racking but if you can't be true to yourself and to the people who love you platonically, how are you to be true to a person you're connected to romantically?

The Wheel of Fortune then let you know that a change is coming. A continuation of the "Relationship Now" card. Just because things are going the way you want them to, doesn't mean that things are going anywhere. You just have to keep riding the wave, keep building yourself and your life. Eventually, you will get to what you seek as the universe hears you. They know what you want Just let them set it up so that it can happen. Eventing doesn't just happen overnight.

Them -  3 of Swords, 8 of Swords, 3 of Cups

These cards are a description of who you possible next lover will be, the one you wish to have a long last relationship with. There is a possibility that you may know this person already, or you might have never seen them a day in your life. Either way, you have to keep your heart open and your eyes even more open.

First, it is obvious that they are coming out of a relationship of their own. A relationship where there were a couple of daggers thrown, and it ended hurting one person more than the other. Words were said, and maybe someone did something that they regretted, but in the end, they had to move on. To them they things kept piling up and getting worse, and they knew it would be better to leave and be sane than to go almost insane trying to mend a relationship that won't last. With this kind of intro, you have to know that the potential love of your life has some trauma with them, some sadness that they held onto, some anger that they probably haven't let go of, and confusion of their own. They will have a wall up, and will slightly resemble you. When you meet them and listen to what they have to say or how they carry on the conversation, it will almost be like looking in the mirror. Just like a person has to be careful with you and listen more than talk back with you because you rarely open up your mind, you will have to b careful with them. Their heart has been damaged and they will not be so inclined to be with you or with anyone romantically.

This is my turn to warn you. Don't be persistent. You are initiating this connection, yes, and you're trying to everything you can to always have a healthy one, but have a healthy relationship with someone means having a healthy relationship with yourself and with boundaries. Don't push them to open with you when they don't want to right away. Show that you're around and that you're always open to hang out, but leave when they show that they don't want to be bothered. A relationship should not be stressed, especially in the beginning. Don't force what isn't there. But, when they do decide to come around, be open to them. Be aware of your limitation as well as their's.

The last card, the 3 of Cups kind of gives a glimpse of where you both might meet at. A party meeting? A gathering? A club? A lounge? A place with all of your friends? Wherever it is, there will be a crowd, you will be enjoying yourself, and you may be even celebrating, hence the party or party like atmosphere.

How Could This Relationship Be? - 8 Of Wands

This relationship can really take off the way you've always wished. It could be exciting, it could be fun, it could be eye-opening. I see travel as being one of the big things between the 2 of you. You guys might end up experiencing the world together, trying new things all the time and being adventurous, even if that means doing so in the comfort of your own town or own state. Every day will never be dull and from the night out to a lazy Sunday evening. You will both encourage the others to always do their best and will never let the other person talk down on themselves. You both know what it means to be confused and unsure in your own respects, and will wish to carry out this relationship as clearly as possible. Nothing will be held back, and if something isn't said at the moment, it will be said later on. A beautiful way to carry out a relationship.

How Can You Get To How Things Could Be? - Emperor

Control. You need control of your thoughts, control of your emotions, and control in your actions. And let me set things clear, I'm not asking you to be perfect in everything you do, but I am asking you to be sure, to be stable, to be methodical. Do not hold yourself back because things are scary. Ride with those feeling of uncertainty and stand tall in your uncertainty. You seem so confident to everyone you come across, learn to hold that same energy within yourself when your alone and when you're in a romantic situation. Vulnerable is incredibly sexy and when given to the right person and give life a beautiful relationship. Don't hold yourself back from what could have been because of your afraid of who you are. Be firm in your power. Even when you're not sure exactly what that power is.

I wish you the best of luck love!

Once again, thank you for ordering, and I hope my words resonated with you. If you have question or concerns please don’t hesitate to PM me.

And for anyone else wanting a reading like this one, know that I have Special February Love Readings going on until the end of the month! Information on those readings are here. Have any questions or concerns? PM me and I will get to you as soon as possible. Or click on the PRICES link below. Until then!

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