#This would equate to beach episode energies me thinks

[mazojo]

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

genuinely curious - i have a terrible memory - what are some of the terrible things shannon did to chris? besides i mean. abandoning him. (not trying to defend her i really just can't remember anything ever)

No worries, dear nonny! This got long so it’s under a cut.

The number one thing for me is her abandonment of him. Whatever problems you’re having in your marriage are valid, but you do not just up and leave your child with nothing but a sarcastic note to your spouse. She didn’t contact Christopher even once over the next three years.

It would have been super easy for her to say, “My mom has cancer, Eddie, and I think you and I need a break from our marriage. I need to go and help my mom. Let’s set something up so I can still see Christopher.”

While Eddie was on tour they did video calls and he sent cards. Shannon did none of those things. Eddie’s shocked to see her, he says it’s a problem to contact her for the school, and Shannon asks, “Does he ask about me?” regarding her son. The first thing we learn about Shannon is Eddie saying to Buck, “His mom’s not in the picture.” All of that means Shannon has no contact with Christopher.

EDIT: My friend re-watched the scene and Eddie says “His mom’s not in the picture. I’m all he’s got.” This not only implies that Shannon has no contact with Christopher but that she can’t even be fucking trusted to care for her son if Eddie dies.

WHAT!?!?!?

Then, in 3x15, we learn that Shannon was claiming she had no support with Chris and was doing everything on her own - when we get clear contradictions to that. Eddie’s parents are right there, helping her. They’re literally right outside in the scene where she says this. And they later say “we have been there every single day from the time he was born.” Shannon had help from her in-laws this entire time and she wants to claim she was doing this all by herself? That it was too hard?

Now, Eddie’s parents clearly had reservations about Shannon just as a person, and I’m sure Shannon picked up on that. Her comment about understanding the feeling about not being able to do anything right after Eddie’s mom chastises him suggests that she got a lot of lecturing and flack from her in-laws and could never parent Christopher good enough in their eyes (and that has nothing to do with Christopher’s disability, I suspect no matter how able her child was, his parents would do this). But saying “your parents criticize me a lot” is very different from “I have no support system.” Christopher’s grandparents are literally there every day! Helping her! She’s not doing this alone!

And again to just LEAVE WITH A NOTE AND NO WARNING AND--*screams into a pillow*

THE RAAAAAAGE

Also - and okay I’m going to be honest, I think this is something that most people didn’t pick up on, because it’s not something most able people will pick up on, just like as a white person I might not always pick up on instances of racial prejudice - but Shannon’s speech in the school parking lot to Eddie was hugely ableist.

She’s doing the classic “Martyr Mother” thing where she talks about how hard it was to be the mom of a disabled child and how guilty she feels and how it’s all her fault... shut the everloving FUCK up, Shannon, nobody fucking CARES.

When you have a kid, you sign up to be a parent to that child no matter what. Whether that child is autistic, deaf, blind, has CP, allergies, is gay, trans, what the hell ever. If you didn’t want to deal with that possibility then you shouldn’t have had a kid. You want to take care of something where you can pick out all the traits ahead of time and then train them to be exactly the kind of creature you want them to be?

Get a fucking dog.

You can pick out the breed, noting the breed’s energy levels, lifespan, typical health issues, temperament, etc. You can choose the one that looks cutest. You can train them in puppy school so that they sit, stay, shake paws, roll over, and bark on command. And they will never argue with you or decide they want to be in a punk metal band instead of becoming a doctor. They will just love you and cuddle you and look adorable for the rest of their lives.

Ta-fucking-da.

If you have a kid and then after five years you decide that your issues with your husband are more important than finding a way to be with your child, then you’re a fucking piss-poor parent. Fuck you, and don’t let the door hit you on your way out. Leaving Eddie did NOT equate to leaving Christopher. And she left Christopher.

Having a kid with CP does not set you up to be a martyr, you do not get to mope about how it’s all your fault, and you do not get to let your guilt that you’ve conjured up in your head be more important than your actual goddamn child. The show hasn’t gotten hugely into it but I will bet you money (which I cannot afford) that Christopher knows he’s a part of the reason his mom left and he feels like shit about it.

Christopher is a smart, highly sensitive child who picks up easily on how others are feeling. That same sensitivity that enables him to be so kind and understanding also means he picks up on negative emotions. Kids are fucking perceptive. There is no way in Hell that he didn’t know something was up with his mom before she left, and there’s no way he didn’t know it was partially about him.

And then afterwards - in 3x15 Christopher tells Eddie that his grandparents yell at him a lot. How much has he overheard? His grandparents don’t like Shannon so even if Eddie lied and said “no no Mom’s coming back she just had to go take care of her mom for a while,” that lie’s not gonna last long and you bet Eddie’s parents have ZERO interest in maintaining that lie to protect Shannon. I’m sure Christopher picked up on a lot of sarcastic, passive-aggressive remarks and I’m sure he overheard a lot of fights.

Now, that’s not directly Shannon’s fault in the sense that she didn’t say those things. But what the hell are Eddie and his parents supposed to say to Christopher? What could they possibly tell him? His mother left out of the blue and never talks to him.

In act, Shannon wrote a letter, one that she almost sent, basically telling Christopher ‘goodbye forever’. And she kept that letter in case she decided she did want to send it.

Even after she comes back into his life, Shannon’s behavior is very... well. I’m not convinced. She says she want to be in Christopher’s life, but how? For one thing, she can’t seem to separate her issues with Eddie from her relationship with Christopher. It reminds me of in the film Clueless how the dad says, “You divorce a spouse, not the kids.” I think Shannon should’ve watched that movie a few more times.

Shannon never makes any steps to firmly be in Christopher’s life. She says she wants to see him, and then we see a bit of her hanging out with him and Eddie, but once she can see him and spend some fun time with him, we never see her discuss custody, or living arrangements, or anything. Now part of this might be it’s an ensemble TV show and we only have so much time, but come on. I see no signs of her being serious and taking practical steps to ensure she is a parent to Chris.

And THEN she says she wants a divorce and she says she “needs to learn how to be a mom.”

MA’AM???

She was a mom to Christopher for five years, and what, you still want fucking practice or something? Being a parent is a constant battle with your own imperfections and failures. As Eddie tells Buck after the tsunami, “I fail that kid every day, but I keep trying.” That’s parenting. You’re gonna fall off the horse a lot but you keep getting back on.

Shannon strikes me as someone who wants to be the ‘perfect’ mom and be on top of it and have it all together, and that’s never going to happen. Given her little speech about Christopher’s CP and how hard it is and how guilty she feels about ‘giving’ it to him, I think my instinct has merit.

Now, it’s iffy on if Shannon was going to leave Christopher again when she asks for the divorce. Eddie sure seems to think that’s what it means. But Shannon’s words and behavior leave no clear ground. Once again we have zero clue what her actual practical intentions are with her son. And she says that whole thing about the letter and then says, “I want to never have to send that letter.”

WHAT?

You rip that letter up, ma’am, you don’t have it in reserve! It’s like the difference between saying, “I won’t hurt you” and “I don’t want to hurt you.” One implies that you won’t hurt the person, the other implies that you don’t want to, but you might. Saying she hopes to “never have to send it” and keeping that letter both imply that she might in the future actually give Christopher that letter and leave again.

Maybe this is some bad writing. Maybe the writers were trying to say that she wouldn’t leave Christopher. I don’t know. But I do know what’s on my screen and in the episodes and I do not see Shannon actually apologizing to Christopher, doing the work of a mom, saying that she will never leave him again, making up for what she did to him. Newsflash! Appearing at Christmas and going to the beach with your kid does not make up for leaving him for three years with no explanation! You gotta earn that trust back and for me, Shannon didn’t earn it.

Never ever EVER does Shannon say, “I want to be in my son’s life as his mother and I will be here and I am not leaving again.” Her language is ambiguous and self-martyring. She can’t seem to separate her relationship with Eddie from her relationship with Christopher also I feel like the divorce thing comes out of nowhere but whatever. She never seems to fully come to terms with or admit what she did to her son and how she left him. You can walk out on a marriage. Fine. But you don’t walk out on your kid. And that’s exactly what she did.

And then threw some fun ableism onto it for good measure! And never fully committed to Christopher! She gave it a weird trial period where she got to come back and do some fun activities with him and then she gave a speech where she’s definitely divorcing his father but might? or might not? be leaving him again? we don’t know? Maybe she’s saying she won’t leave now but she might leave later if it gets too hard again?

Shannon abandoned her child and then showed her ableism and self-centered mindset and did nothing (or not nearly enough) to make up for it. And I really cannot forgive her for that.

[kristinarambles]

Gem Glow

  Analysis Two:

Going into this re-watch I know that the animation has changed slightly and that the models are not always consistent but that is not what I’m going to be paying attention to. Any changes in the visuals I’ll be referring to throughout all my posts are the ones that were intentional, like Sadie’s scar after Island Adventure or how Steven slims down after he starts actively working out, not little differences in heights or anything like that. I’m here to analyze a show I love, not to nitpick.

So we are introduced to Steven not with a bang but a shout. Sugar and her references starting out right away by Steven yelling about dreams and throwing himself on Lars lol. I wonder if Cookie Cat versus Lion Lickers means anything, they make a lot of things deeper than they seem at first. It could be Cookie Cat is Pink and Lion Lickers is Rose? Rose replaces Pink and Steven as a stand in for the Diamonds is distraught and believes that Cookie Cats are superior, how could you replace them with Lion Lickers? No one likes them. I’m just speculating, maybe this is the one thing in the whole show that doesn’t have a deeper meaning lol.

I love the character growth in this show, but my favorite thing is consistency of personality. They grow and mature but they still stay essentially the same person. Sadie and Lars are our [the viewers] first glimpse into Beach City’s general population. At first they are just the doughnut shop workers, The Big Donut being one of the main staples of the boardwalk and the closest one to Steven’s house, but as the show progresses we learn that “Sadie is nice” and “Lars is grumpy” as the first impression is true but also the reasoning behind it and all the other facets of their personalities. And then later they are also The Off Colors first impression of Beach City, although Lars does a much better job of impressing them than he did me. I will admit I wasn’t very fond of him in the beginning and often questioned why Steven was so attached to him. But he’s supposed to be obnoxious at first, and looking back on my own life I know there are times I tried to be likeable to a certain group dynamic and overcompensated to the point of being annoying so I kind of feel bad for my assumptions. I think that this episode is the most we ever see Lars actually work though lol. And of course he is the one who introduces us to Steven’s “magic belly button”. It really shows how used these people are to the Gems that he can be so flippant about it. Frankly if I were introduced to any of this stuff I would probably freak out a little bit, but I didn’t grow up with it. I also wonder if Sadie should have let him take the freezer. I mean, obviously it was a great thing for her to do but having worked in fast food I really don’t think that’s something she would have been allowed to do lol.

Our first glimpse of the temple is impressive and our introduction to the Gems follows the same formula as meeting Lars and Sadie, we get a general idea of who they are, which is accurate but not everything there is to them. Amethyst rescues Steven right away, big sister to the rescue “’Sup Steven”. Pearl doing her ballet twirls fighting off the centipeedles. Garnet doesn’t say a word but just knows what to do. Pearl explains the centipeetles with a perfectly polite apology, but only after being prompted by Stevens question. Interesting that they call the whole house his room, but then it is one room kind of like a studio apartment, and it’s actually smaller than all of their rooms within the temple. I do wonder how they know to call them centipeetles though, I think she’s the only Gem Monster that gets a clear label other than the pufferfish [I’ll be keeping a running tally of all the Corrupted Gems we run into that I’ll post when I’m done with my re-watch]. Later in the show Pearl admits that the monsters are drawn to the Gems themselves, and Peridot says that the Gem Mutants are forever looking for their missing pieces, and here Pearl says that she thinks the centipeetle babies were trying to get to the temple. A lot of the monsters they fight near home really do seem to be aiming for the temple so I wonder if they can sense all the many gems bubbled in the basement [or maybe even the active gem in the lighthouse above]. Amethyst gives us our first hint that the monsters are actually Corrupted Gems by observing that the little ones don’t have gems, while picking her nose of course. Garnets first words are “That must mean there’s a mother somewhere nearby” which just opens up all sorts of questions. Can all Gems do that? Make little copies of themselves? This may be the first time we’re introduced to the concept but certainly not the last, we see that Drill Gem later on make little drill things that fly off unaided and unguided, Pearl makes her HoloPearls, and then there’s Steven of course. Rebecca even says that Rose could have made Steven wholly human and continued to live but she chose to give up her physical form and pass on her gem. These centipeedle babies just poof with not a whole lot of effort though, so I guess without a gem they aren’t as stable or maybe not as real? They don’t have hair and their rock pattern is on their bellies and not on their back, but that could just be because they’re babies. That acid they’re spitting sure is real though and the drill babies left pretty real holes in the rock face. Maybe if they were left to mature and somehow gain energy and power they could grow gems? Geez, so many questions

Moving on. Pearl tells Steven that until he learns to control the power in his gem that they’ll take care of protecting humanity when he asks to come find the mother, our first indication that he’s in training. I think the reason this is the first episode is because this is the first time he was ever actually involved in the fighting, but based on how he reacted to the centipeetles he’s obviously seen Gem Monsters before. A little more insight to the Gems personalities when Steven finds the cookie cats in the freezer [and that shot of Garnet cracking her knuckles at the last baby, oh Jesus I love her], Amethyst saying she stole them, Pearl irritatingly sticking to the rules by insisting on payment, it was Garnets idea because of her future vision even though we didn’t know it back then. And when we see inside the freezer we can also see Connie’s glow bracelet. Also I would eat the ears first too lol.

There’s been so many theories about the cookie cat song that I’m not going into it myself, although I do think it’s adorable how the Gems all react to his singing. I do want to talk about the weapon summoning though. Pearl tells him not to force it, but she’s so excited to explain to him how it’s done. She’s so cute and excited to show her son how to use his powers. We get the Gems themes in the background of each of their explanations and their way of summoning their weapons directly corresponds to how they fight.  Pearl wasn’t made to fight and so had to work hard and dedicated her life to fighting alongside Rose. She equates the weapon summoning to a dance because it’s what was familiar to her. She often punctuates her speeches with big sweeping movements, using her whole body to communicate and not just her voice. Amethyst is clearly familiar with Pearl’s teaching strategy, which tells us for the first time that she is in fact younger than the rest of them. But she summons her weapon with no effort, entirely on instinct. This could be because she’s a quartz and designed to fight but I think it’s also just because of who she is. Maybe because she’s a chest gem, maybe just because that’s who she is at the core of her being, but Amethyst does what feels right. She’s impulsive, but strong. Lars exclaims “again!” at her slicing the dumpster apart which implies that she has done This Specific Thing before, but he apparently just reacts this way whenever something crazy happens to the dumpster. I guess it’s a popular thing to destroy lol. Last but not least, Garnet. I remember watching that bit for the first time I texted my sister to ask why she had two gems but the others only had one lol. I noticed it when she got rid of her gauntlets first but after seeing the split screen that drew attention to them I was very curious. My OCD self was especially irritated that they didn’t even match, one had a triangle and one was a square lol. My sister didn’t spoil it however and told me it would make sense later, and after meeting Opal I dwelled a lot on the possibility that she was a fusion. Which of course she was. Her explanation of how she links her mind with the universe to call out her weapon reminds me a lot of her explanation of how she views the future as a river, or I guess since that comes later the future vision explanation reminds me of this? She may become more open as the series progresses and we see more of her dork side than her stoic side but it bothers me when people say she becomes all about fusion and nothing else. Didn’t they say the same thing about her future vision when it was revealed? I think those people are just looking for problems because the writing was on the wall for both of those things the whole time, she was just doing her best to keep it from Steven until he was ready to handle it. But it was there all along, part of who she is. Sugar, you’re a genius. Hiding these things in plain sight and giving us hints so we could draw our own conclusions .

In his recreation to try to make his gem glow again I find it pretty funny that he recreated it wrong, and absolutely hilarious that Garnet just lets him move her face around lol. Everyone made her out to be the strict mom for so long but she’s really the pushover. I just love all of them reassuring him, they’re so sweet and supportive. I think the Gems marvel [it’s not necessarily surprise] at Steven’s weapon being a shield because they didn’t know if Steven would get his own weapon because he is his own person or if he would inherit Rose’s the way he inherited her gem. It’s obvious that no one ever told him about Rose’s weapon though. I think that they only tell him things about his mother when it’s relevant or if he asks point blank. It’s also a counterpoint to how the Diamonds eventually interact with him. They constantly compare the two, ask him if he remembers this or that but the Crystal Gems have long ago come to terms with the fact that Steven is not Rose and they do their best to keep him separate in their minds. To the point of not even connecting the way his powers work to the way Rose’s powers worked, not that she probably shared that with any of them except possibly Pearl. Of course WE know now that Stevens powers are tied to his emotions and when his glow starts it’s because of how happy he is that they’re all showing him how much they love him, but it’s really cute how he thinks it’s because of the ice cream.  

And here comes Centipeetle, who we know now is Nephrite Facet 413 Cabochon 12 [Homestuck anyone?]. She is truly impressive and powerful, such that all three of the senior Crystal Gems are having trouble taking her down. Steven is so inexperienced trying to just go after her, but I think it’s interesting that she doesn’t attack him right away, she seems to go slower towards him even when she does start spitting acid. I wonder if a part of her recognizes her Diamond. That moment where the other Gems get their weapons out all at once is so beautiful, that pose, that poise! And we see for the first time a real Gem get poofed and not just one of her babies, it’s pretty much an explosion. Then, also for the first time, we see a Gem without its light body, and Garnet is the first one we see bubble one and then send it home. Back then we didn’t know where it went or what the bubble meant, but now we know it keeps the Gem safe and in stasis. My sister and I were discussing it the other day and we believe that the bubble passes time differently. The Gems consciousness is frozen but they’re able to heal and set their new form so when the bubble pops they’re able to reform right away even if they would normally take longer. Although Change Your Mind gave us an exception to that if Yellow poofs you herself.

It’s kind of sad that Steven went through all of his cookie cats, and that his freezer was ruined, but it was pretty ingenious of him to use it to electrocute Centipeetle. I wonder if he knew it would do that or if he was just throwing it in anger. All in all I think it’s a beautiful episode, it really does a wonderful job of introducing us to Steven’s world and his family. From Lars making fun of his magic, to Amethyst telling him they aren’t the Crystal Gems without him, to Pearl and Garnet saying he’ll figure out how to work his gem in his own Steven-y way. Just the right amount of exposition without getting too deep into it so we’re still left wondering. Words can’t express how much I love this show, and you can really tell the people working on it love it too.

The end theme is the instrumental version of Love Like you, as the theme evolves I’ll discuss it more but I wanted to just mention it here to start.

Total TV’s destroyed: 1

One last thing, in this post I called Amethyst big sister, referred to Steven as Pearl’s son, and called Garnet a mom. In a lot of ways they do all function as a family with three mothers but I always read it as Amethyst being a sister more than a mom. She’s just as protective of him as the other two but she’s treated as lesser and younger just like Steven is and we see later so much insecurity from her and the two of them bond over that. They spend more time just hanging out together where Garnet and Pearl try more to guide him. You’re all welcome to view it however you want but throughout my analyses I will be functioning under the assumption that Pearl and Garnet have a more motherly relationship with him and Amethyst has a more sisterly one. I am both a mom and a big sister and I feel Pearl and Garnet in the way I am with my kids, but I feel Amethyst more in the way I am with my younger siblings.

[hamletteprinceofdenmark]

Lost Live-blogging - 1x12 - Whatever the Case May Be

-Hi Kate. You good up there?!

-Kate Austen radiates such Butch Energy that it is mind boggling to me that not one but TWO men think they have a chance with her

-branch snap who dat?

-SERVES YOU FUCKING RIGHT SAWYER YOU SNEAKY SNEAKER

-“From what? Southern Perverts?” Ooooooohhhhhh get wrecked

-Pretty

-You were literally swimming in the ocean not two days ago Sawyer it’s not like this isn’t common occurrence

-strip 👏 strip 👏 strip 👏 strip

-aw y’all are adorable

-DO NOT JUMP INTO AN UNKNOWN BODY OF WATER HOLY SHIT EVERY TIME I LET MY GUARD DOWN YOU IDIOTS DO SOMETHING STUPID

-Seriously folks always test/map/evaluate a body of water before you jump into it. You want to know the depth and if there are any kind of sharp rocks/debris that could seriously hurt you, also depending on what you’re looking at there could be caves, currents or creatures that you don’t know about

-I really am going to have to write Lucia’s Guide to Surviving on a Mysterious Island aren’t I jeez louISE

-WHAT DID I FUCKING TELL YOU

-WHAT DID I FUCKING TELL YOU

-fucken creepazoid decomposing corpses I ask you

-sawyer you truly are a scavenger and I love you

-cause a wallet is so valuable out here in the wilds of the pacific

-now in a zombie film this is where they would come to life and that would be truly terrifying

-what’s your game, freckles?

-AND THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T CAMP LONG TERM ON A BEACH I LOVE BEING VALIDATED

-YOU STILL HAVEN’T FOUND CLAIRE???? How long has it been? I want answers

-No Sayid they were real!!

-Every time Charlie comes on screen I want everyone who reads this to know that I let out the most pathetic, whiny noise as I call “Chaaaaarlie” into the void

-my sweet boy deserves the entire world and the love of his life back so they can eat imaginary peanut butter and be just absolutely adorable in general

-Is Boone actually gay or is this classic early 2000s “gay is the most cutting insult I can throw at you” because honestly it could be either

-I’d be here for gay Boone

-I mean fair call out, Shannon really has not been contributing to the group at all

-BUT SHE COULD TRANSLATE FRENCH IF ONLY SAYID WOULD GET HER ON BOARD

-also you know, moving suitcases

-Hi Kate

-Hi Sawyer

-what’s in the caaaaaaaaaaase??????

-she’s so preeeeeeeeeeetty

-and committing fraaaaaaaaaaaaud

-aw dude she’s taking advantage of you

-okay okay okay bank robbery yep okay

-I mean if it’s money it’ll be wrecked Kate, not to mention as useless as the pinched wallet

-It was beTWEEN his KNEES Kate what did you expect? This wasn’t well thought out at all

-cue sawyer making a sex joke

-whomp there it is!

-first his knee, now his head, sawyer’s not having a very good day

-you gave it to him sweetheart, no take backs

-Shannon why you like this? You’ll have stage 4 cancer at this rate

-lol Shannon’s like come here and examine my tanned and supple body and Sayid’s like please focus I’m here to talk about science

-lol Sawyer get wrecked

-HIYA ROSE IT’S BEEN A WHILE

-God Rose I love you why aren’t you in more episodes???

-Lost presents Sawyer and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

-I just love that this episode is basically about Sawyer’s day just getting progressively worse and worse it brings me joy

-YOU’RE SUCH A SWINDLER KATE

-Yes he did??? He literally said there are some equations but I need you for the French??? Clean out your ears girlie

-In this latest episode of Mystery Island High SAYID CUPPED HIS HEAD WITH HIS HAND LIKE A GODDAMN GOSSIP GIRL

-sneaky Sun is sneaky

-also HI SUN it’s been a while

-of course it’s guns

-let’s go dig up a body

-no baby you are worth everything

-Rose will help you

-Maggie? Damn you lying to everybody huh

-damn jack saw right through her

-she’s trying sayid!

-time for the daily dick measuring contest

-“she lied, brother” god can you imagine a world where jack and sawyer got along? Too unrealistic, can’t relate

-Kate a stone cold motherfucker and that’s facts

-the case really isn’t flooded? Damn that’s a good case

-And now the question is what’s in the envelope?

-I don’t know what I expected

-“Just this once”? God Jack you’re so annoying, a woman has a right to privacy, she doesn’t have to tell you shit

-look what you did Jack you made her cry

-you gonna apologise???!??

-YOU GONNA APOLOGISE???!???!

-Jack you’re the worst

-Still think they should have used the fuselage for shelter tbh ...

-ROSE YOU’RE SO GOOD

-sweet baby ... too many people are crying this episode, unacceptable

-OOOOOOOHHHHhhhhhh sweet catholic boy Charlie returning to his roots!!! now I’M CRYING THERE ARE SO MANY TEARS IN THIS HERE HOUSE TONIGHT

-DAMN SHARRON GOT PIPES ON HER WHERE YOU BEEN HIDING THOSE GIRL

-Well I’m in tears, I hope you’re doing well, until next time a bientôt mon amis

[dollforlife]

I’m the type of gal who loves a challenge. I never take anything at face value and I always look beyond the obvious to see what I could possibly change about a situation or what I may have missed. Having said that my weight and fitness goals haven’t yielded me the best results I desire even though I consider myself a fairly healthy eater (low carbs, healthy fats, and mostly organic) and a moderate exerciser (I bought a Peloton three months ago) that I use frequently. Still, I haven’t seen quite the transformation I had hoped for.

What I had hoped for was a stunning change that would knock my socks off! Now I’m not saying that buying this fabulous piece of equipment was a total fail; what I am saying is that I think the results come a little slower from using it unless you’re putting in an extreme cardiovascular effort. It’s much more trying on you physically than cycling mostly because unlike Pilates you can really only count on your lower body the entire time. Pilates Plus or the Lagree method founded by Sebastian Lagree combines strength and flexibility in movements performed slowly to engage the slow-twitch muscles but overlaps the exercises right behind one another with no rests so you still reap the benefits and intensity of cardio. The workout is performed on a re-vamped version of the original Reformer machine designed by Joseph Pilates that Lagree perfected called the Megaformer. In all, there are six models each with slightly different modifications and upgrades.

My first step was to research, up until this point all I knew was what I had seen on the various episodes of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” and the famed Pilates Plus studio they frequented in Studio City. Well since I live in the South Bay which is a cool 20 miles south of there I had to be a little more creative; my next alternative was either Rancho Palos Verdes or Long Beach. And to be fair the Lagree Method is only taught on the Megaformer machine; if you find a class taught on the Reformer it’s not Pilates Plus. So this made my search even more restrictive. Not only was I looking for something close but I had to find something specific to my needs and it had to offer a high energy yet welcoming atmosphere. Would I find that?  Read on and find out.

I started with Groupon because, why not? It’s the perfect place to get a sampling of what’s out there without a long time commitment. After all, who wants to be stuck in a contract or pay for a month or two of classes only to find that the classes suck or the teachers aren’t motivating or any other number of disappointing factors that could potentially present themselves? I know I didn’t and neither did my Amex. So it came down to this really cool downtown Long Beach studio called KP Pilates Plus, it is still within the Pilates Plus franchise but the owner Kelli Parsley added her initials for a little flair. The good thing was it was located less than 10 miles away; literally, a hop, skip and a jump from the Vincent Thomas Bridge (so is my house) and boasts vast meter parking or two-hour lot parking. But first I had to get set up with my Groupon. After my initial purchase, I didn’t realize that I couldn’t proceed straight to “GO”. No ma’am do not pass “GO” do not collect $200″. I tried to redeem my coupon only to be emailed by the owner (very politely I might add) that I needed to set up my credit card (in case of canceling a class so they can bill you). Although my classes are pre-paid it is standard practice in the event that you need to purchase future class packages, single classes, and merchandise in the studio and so on. I then had to send her my Groupon redemption code that she would insert and activate my trial, although the clock doesn’t really start ticking until you book your first class. My coupon in and of itself would have however expired within (60) sixty days if I hadn’t used it at all. *Different deals have different restrictions.

Once I had all of the particulars out of the way it was time to brave the wild, take a chance, be bold, embrace my inner fighting spirit…..okay you get the picture! Two days later…I booked my first class! I wasn’t sure I had the right workout gear but everything I knew to be acceptable seemed about right, leggings and a fitted tank and flip flops. And every class requires Toe-sox or some kind of fitted grippy socks so that you don’t slip and fall. Most of the moves will require you to move your feet across the carriage which is the center part of the machine. Even holding on the curved bars you could lose your balance. Trust me you don’t want to try Teaser, Catfish or Elevator Lunges without them.

      My first class was a late evening one that I was actually late for due to construction and my unfortunate driving mishap. And by that I mean that I accidentally took the wrong exit (yes, Maps you’re not the best at direction giving) onto a highway instead of a side street. But I recovered and made it a few minutes into the session, got my socks on and quickly started off with the Wheel Barrow. The next time I vowed to come at least 15 minutes early just to get my bearings, re-familiarize myself with the equipment and to discuss my limitations and fitness goals (i.e what you expect to achieve from the class) with the instructor. I have scoliosis (a curvature of the spine) and I have had four abdominal surgeries including C-sections. It’s important that your instructor be aware of any injuries (recent or otherwise) or limitations so that they can show you modifications until you’re ready to do the full movements, eventually, you will. I was happy to take this particular class called Form and Technique as it was specifically geared to teach better form and alignment. It’s a great class for beginners and an awesome Segway to get me acquainted with the practice.

  On the Megaformer, getting into plank position. At home with none other than a smooth glass of pinot, sweat-shirt $56 by Private Party shop Carbon 38.  

When that next time arrived I came in early at 8 am, well that was early enough for me. They have classes that start as early as 5 am…no thank you. My next class was standard Pilates Plus which was an awesome one. This time the moves were more familiar and I remembered where to position the springs and how to move the front But don’t be misled that doesn’t mean it was easy in any shape or form. But because I had grown accustomed to sitting in one position, working mainly my lower half of my body, boy was I in for a surprise! We worked every muscle in my body, I felt like I had awakened parts of my physique I hadn’t even known existed and yet they were such slow and concentrated moves; in fact in Pilates slow and steady wins the race. And how else do you know if you’re doing it right? When your muscles start to shake, that’s when. My legs were a-quiverin’ like crazy! That implies muscle failure and the inherent breakdown of muscle fibers that will eventually rebuild stronger and leaner. That’s what we came for people. That’s why we show up! Now I’m not going to sit here and say that I performed every move with perfect form or held every count for as long as my instructor, Jean asked of me, but that first day I DID give it everything I had! And it has given me something in return, my posture has improved I seem to sit up straighter, I walk taller and my abs, yes my abs are starting to feel tighter and more compact and my arms and thighs are definitely getting much more definition. And I kept going back for a total of seven classes which I think equated to one class every other day or every two days. I tried to fit them in when I could. The important thing is that I feel good about myself; I’m imparting a positive sense of accomplishment to my psyche. That does wonders in and of itself.This week I’m devoting myself to a one-month unlimited package which is a huge (financial) and personal commitment. But I’ll tell you something, when my trial ended just yesterday I felt like something was missing. I seriously felt this gut wrenching emptiness; I have gotten know a few of those gals and I like their “little shop of torture”, I say it with the utmost respect. Could this be love? We’ll see.

What chances have you taken lately? What new adventures have you opened yourself up for?

Wishing you Love and Luxury,

Linda

I Took a Pilates Plus Class for two weeks and Here’s What Happened I'm the type of gal who loves a challenge. I never take anything at face value and I always look beyond the obvious to see what I could possibly change about a situation or what I may have missed.

[robertsmorgan]

Psychology of Eating Podcast: Episode #187 – A Man Has a Breakthrough with Food & Life

Joel’s life has felt uncertain and out of his control. He feels like he copes with the uncertainty in his life through food. At times, it’s as though he can’t stop eating and one meal turns into a several hour affair. Marc David, Founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, helps Joel put the pieces together on what is really going on behind the overeating. Rather than focusing on the eating as the problem, Joel discovers that what he is yearning for is something bigger in his life, using food as his outlet. Joel takes on his masculine, his feminine, his resistance to structure, and makes a big commitment to his life.

Below is a transcript of this podcast episode:

Marc: Welcome, everybody, I’m Marc David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating and we are back in the Psychology of Eating podcast. And I’m with Joel today. Welcome, Joel.

Joel: Thanks, Marc. Glad to be here.

Marc: Yeah, yeah. I’m glad we’re here. And let me just say a few words, Joel, to viewers and listeners who are new to the podcast. Here’s how it works. Joel and I, we’ve just been chatting for two or three minutes before coming on here live. And so this is the first time we’ve met. This is our session together. And we’re going to see if we can, in less than an hour, just kind of get some good work done and push the fast forward button a little bit on the transformational process.

So, Mr. Joel, if you can wave your magic wand and get whatever you wanted to get from this session, what would that look like for you, my friend?

Joel: I think it would be to embody the sense of control over my life. I think that would sum up everything. It really does equate to like a bit of a lack of control, not really knowing where the steering wheel is and everything in life.

Marc: And does that show up in any way for you around food, around body, around weight, or what’s the connection there for you?

Joel: Yeah, food for sure. I mean I grew up around food. My mom was very much a woman-in-the-kitchen type of mom. And so I kind of got to see what she did all my life. And I kind of adopted that habit myself of really immersing myself in the kitchen and with food. But I eventually came to realize that there is this fine line between employing alchemy in the kitchen and creativity and then using food really as a coping tactic when things feel tough. And so I noticed that I’ve made that transition towards the dark side of it.

And so consequently, what ends up happening is eating becomes really a way for me to cope with a lot of internalized anxiety or even just to like avoid responsibilities. It just feels like it quiets everything down if I engage in eating, which can become really I think of temptation and compulsion. Like if something’s in reach, the off switch can be completely blank for me. Like I can just keep going and going and people say, “Where does it all go?” Like I don’t know, I’m a skinny guy. But it’s crazy how much I can actually eat. I just keep going at it for, literally, periods of hours. And even if it’s just like one meal in a day, that one meal can last for a period of three to five hours. So it’s definitely a huge imbalance point. And it’s not always there, but I frequent that way too often.

Marc: How many days a week or how many days a month would you say you end up in that tricky territory?

Joel: I can say weekly, probably three to four days out of the week. Lately in my life, it has become more frequent. In the past, I would always had less, maybe just a few times a month. But honestly, at this particular point, three to four times a week would be a good summation.

Marc: And when you’re eating the food, are you enjoying it? Are you into it?

Joel: Yeah. Like 98% of the time I’m actually—the funny thing about it is I’m crazy mindful with the actual nuances of the eating. Like I savor the food very much. I chew things. Like I think that was either you or Emily once I heard saying that make it a goal to be the last one to finish eating. Well, I’m way the last one to finish. So a normal meal, for me, would take me an hour and a half just to eat a normal basic meal. So I’m really into it, really enjoying bringing the passion out of it. It just doesn’t stop.

Marc: Yeah. How old are you, Joel?

Joel: Thirty-two.

Marc: You’re 32. Are you working? Are you in school? Tell me what you’re life looks like.

Joel: So I haven’t been working for a bit over a year now since I basically quit the jobs that I had to go visit my homeland for six weeks that I hadn’t been back in 15 years. Since I came back to Canada after that, it feels like this last year and a bit has really become a period of introspection for me and kind of like then I just moved back into my parents’ home at that time as well. So there was really a lot of just kind of orienting where’s my life kind of going.

Prior to that and sort of in between all that, I’ve been studying actually holistic nutrition for—there was a one year intensive that I was doing part-time over three years. And I was working prior to that in a group home environment with a lot of persons with physical and cognitive disabilities, which kind of goes back. And I did that for many years. And prior to that, I had focused my education on child and youth workers. So there was definitely this theme always around helping people who needed a voice, so to say.

Marc: So do you have a sense of where you might be going in the future in terms of your work?

Joel: I have like a vision. Definitely the getting there is very elusive to me. But as I’ve kind of really gone inward a lot, what I kind of see this vision—because I think I do good for myself in terms of like finding out my strengths.

And for a long time, I didn’t. I really kind of quieted down or ignored it or found some other shiny tool or gadget or tactic to find my productivity in the world and really ignoring the most powerful thing within me, which was my intuition. I have a little like next to psychic intuition with people. Like I can often finish people’s sentences. Talking to people after like a minute or two, it’s like I already get a sense of like we’re, they’re stuck in life and all that. Which is highly ironic because when I look at myself it is incredibly difficult to apply those skillsets or those innate abilities for myself. So I laugh at myself in that regard.

But in terms of what I wanted to tackle, I want to tap into that gift that I have, to be able to connect with people and connect for them the dots that they don’t see in their life. And help to make sense of their lives when they themselves may be lost in a certain arena of life or just in the simple albeit, I consider highly important facet of knowing who they are.

I’m very keen on having people express best of who they are into the world and bringing that. So I have spent also a lot of this year, as I’ve been rediscovering myself in deeper ways, to do that. To be as honest as I can be with myself and to let my actions embody that. Obviously, I’m not hitting that 100% of the time. But that is what I want to strive is to help people make that kind of fundamental change for themselves.

Marc: Do you have an idea of what specifically that would look like, like what specific kind of career or kind of profession?

Joel: Yeah. I think I would have kind of tailor to a molding of the different arenas that I’ve kind of learned and trained in throughout the years. So it would be something along the lines of like transformational health coach. I mean that’s not going to be like the final title that I would give myself but with my current choice of words…And I would imagine for me that would look a bit like working—probably 101 initially or maybe even opening that up to like working with small groups of people, because I do also love the dynamics of kind of feeling and reading the energy of a small group.

And honestly, from where I am right now, if there was like someone else looking in, I’d probably sound like a little off to handle like to say this. But I feel like I had a vision of myself actually years from now, actually speaking to thousands of people to elicit the kind of change that I want to see in the world, to see a better world.

Marc: I get it. So where’s your home country that you went to visit?

Joel: Portugal.

Marc: Portugal. How was that experience for you?

Joel: Definitely a mixed bag. I was confronted with a lot of anger. If I were to sum it up in a sentence, I would say that I felt angry that I was born into a family that had so much inherent debilitation or handicap or setback. And I feel like, literally, I had to trench through the mud just to kind of progress on life; that I was kind of given really a bad playing hand of cards, if you will. And I think that going back home and seeing the people I haven’t seen in 15 years and seeing where their mindsets were at and how they’re very fixed. And to me it felt like very backwards, a very backwards way of thinking.

So I was really challenged with those things. And I have to work through some of that anger. I haven’t fully worked through it, but that was one of the key aspects. There’s good as well. For the first time, I went to visit all the southern aspects of the country and a little bit of a road trip. So it was beautiful to see the beaches and experience the climate. So it wasn’t all that. But definitely, it brought challenge.

Marc: And how is it living in your parents’ house? That must be interesting.

Joel: Yeah. Initially, it was probably more challenging. And I’ve kind of done this probably four to five times now, where I’ve kind of gotten out, lived life, had an adventure. And then after that adventure, not going to know where I’m going next again. And at this state, currently, with my parents, like they are not in very good health.

So again, I find it kind of ironic that I studied a lot of around the realms of holistic health practices and holistic nutrition. And I could coach them a lot in terms of like here are better things to do. But also I understand their psychology to a point that, one, they’re not going to listen to their son. Like they’ll listen to the news or they’ll listen to maybe a friend. But if Joel is saying it, it’s just not going to sink in.

So initially, that was frustrating. But eventually, I realized it doesn’t matter if they’re blood related or not or it was a client. It’s just about meeting them where they’re at and then having the expectations attached.

So I can’t say that I’ve kind of walked away a lot from having that expectations that they will change or do things the way that I would like to see them do it because it’s better or healthier. And yeah, I mean this still frustrate me because they’re also pretty fixed and rigid. But because we’re sharing space, at the end of the day, I’m able to kind of make peace with that until I’m able to make my next big stride in life, however that looks like.

Marc: Got it, got it, got it.

So what do you think holds you back the most?

Joel: I’ve articulated that I have a certain fear around big responsibility. It’s like I think really big and I’m getting these wild ideas in like colors that I see it and the rest of the world doesn’t. And then I kind of shy away. Like I become scared in a way. It’s very much internalized. But on the external world, it shows up as me not taking bigger action, me playing a really small, me doubting myself, all that chitchat that can go on in the head.

Marc: So then I think I got your answers. So if you could say it in three or four words, what sometimes holds me back is…three or four words?

Joel: Fear of responsibility.

Marc: Fear of responsibility. That’s interesting. No, it is. It really is. And what would be the fear? So fear of responsibility, like what would happen if you took on more responsibility? So in the worst-case scenario, if my fear went down, it would look like this.

Joel: I think I would be afraid of letting someone or just letting people down. If I am opening up myself to be in a position of helping and then I were to fail at that or lead someone in a direction that’s actually not good for them, I feel like I would be harboring that responsibility. Even though, ultimately, I know the other person is the one who took their actions. It wasn’t me. I was just kind of coaching along. But I do feel like I harbor responsibility of others, which I don’t think I should.

Marc: So you have a responsibility meaning it’s like, “Hey, I need to help you out, I need to take care of you. And if I fail in any way, that’s a bad thing.” Is that kind of what you’re saying?

Joel: Yeah. And also like it’s not okay to make mistakes. That’s also been a recurring theme for me as well.

Marc: I think I get it. So how do your parents feel about where you’re at and where you’re all at together, like where do they stand? If I was talking to them right now and I said, “Hey, you know, I’m going to be speaking to Joel pretty soon about life and such and future and just sort of him being the best he can be,” what would they say to me?

Joel: Probably be confused and worried at the same time, I think. Because I know they don’t get me. I’m definitely like the odd one in any crowd I find myself in. But I know that they fundamentally don’t get me and communication with my folks is often scarce. I’m closer with my mom. But our communication overall, there’s not a lot there.

So I think it’d be hard for them to actually answer that just because it’s like we live on two separate planets. And I think that would also translate to the work aspect because when they think, he’s not working, he has no job, he doesn’t have a flow of money coming in right now. With all the conventional ways of what would be—things would be judged by. So I think that would be them worried and confused.

Marc: Got it. Do you have a timeline for yourself? In your mind, do you have a timeline? Do you have dates in terms of I want to be doing a certain kind of work by a certain kind of time, earning a certain kind of money by a certain kind of time, living in a different place at a certain kind of time? Like how are you in relation to the calendar with those kinds of things?

Joel: I don’t think I have a very good relationship with timing and calendars to be quite honest. So I haven’t set time frames. I’ve definitely taken on like taking it one day at a time. And I think this ties also into the aspect of anxiety that builds up easily inside of me.

And if I were to have—and I can actually speak from past experience like to say I have a deadline for something for an assignment or a project or for maybe I was going to like catering for a small event, those deadlines, they up my state of angst like a lot.

And there’s an element to that angst to where I can be super productive and incredibly productive but at what cost? So I’ve kind of like pushed or just detached myself from timelines as a whole. And I’m just trying to see like, literally, what’s the next foot that I’m going to put in front of me so that I don’t freak myself out.

Marc: So there’s a place in you where sometimes it’s hard to regulate your own emotions. It’s hard to regulate what’s going on in your body. So you might turn to food and make a meal, an extended meal, and it tends to help regulate you…

Joel: Yeah.

Marc: …is what it sounds like. And there are certain other things that you’ll do to help regulate yourself, which is like, “Whoa, wait a second, I got to like remove this deadline or I have to remove this pressure. Otherwise, I’m just not going to function well and it’s not going to look good.”

Joel: Yeah.

Marc: Okay. I think I get it. So if I said to you, “Pick a time, right now, when you feel you would like to be kind of well on your way to where you want to be.” What would feel comfortable for you? “God, I would like to be well on my way or just really feel good about being on my way by two months, two years,” just what pops into mind for you?

Joel: Yeah, the first thing that came to mind was like safety. I need to feel safe around whatever I choose. So I’m thinking something more like May, June, July, like towards the springtime of next year to allow me well over the winter period.

Marc: Understood, understood. Okay. I’ve got some thoughts. I got some thoughts about you and how to help context all this and kind of move things forward. So let me just free associate a little bit, share what I’m thinking about, and then we can just kind of dialogue from there. To me, any eating concern, any eating challenge, any unwanted eating habit is always talking to us. It’s always a bit of a messenger. It’s always symbolic. It’s always a metaphor for something else going on.

So to me, I feel pretty good sitting over here based on your assessment and based on kind of my listening about your assessment that, yeah, it makes sense to me that you use food to soothe, because humans use food to soothe themselves because it works. We only do things because they work. They serve a purpose. So to me, you’ve wisely assessed like, yeah, okay, so this meal that gets continuous, it just, yeah, it kind of regulates me and it helps me feel better. And maybe it distracts me from other things and maybe pulls me away from certain things, but it’s making me feel better.

And again I want to say, it makes biological and psychological sense because every human being has a very strong cellular memory: Cry, be upset, feel bad, eat food, feel better. That’s an infant experience. We have that encoded in our nervous system from billions of years, probably, of humanity and other creatures just feeling good when they eat food. So that makes sense.

So let’s look at it as useful information. So there are experiences that are hard for you to emotionally regulate so you’re going to turn to food. So what are those experiences that you’re having a challenge regulating? And on the one hand, it sounds to me like you at age—what did you tell me, 32? You’re 32, Joel, yeah?

Joel: Yes.

Marc: So at age 32, it feels to me like you are poised, for the first time, to jump into the fray of life in a whole different way. Previous to this moment, you have been a bit of an observer. You notice things. You study the world. You study people. You watch people. You watch what’s going on. You see what works. You see what doesn’t. You see some of the nonsense. You see nonsense that other people don’t see. You’re kind of determining like, wow, what’s going on? What’s the lay of the land here?

You mentioned to me one of your values is you need to feel safe before you do stuff. One of the ways you feel safe, which is a smart way, is you study your environment, study your environment. And you see what’s going on, the world, the political environment, your home environment, your family environment. You study your nutritional environment like, okay, what makes this work? So then you get enough tools to feel comfortable with moving forward.

So what I want to say is there is a difference, I think—and I’m just speaking to you as older brother here because I’ve been where you’re at. So who you are right now could’ve described me at my 20s, for sure, easily and maybe my early 30s as well. So there’s a place where we, as young men, were idealistic. Now, we look at stuff and we see what we don’t like and we see it can be better and we want it to change.

Joel: Yup.

Marc: And the reality is, the world is the world and it goes about its own business and its own pace. And it has its own kind of flow that is very different from what I want it to be doing. So I think what’s happening is you are at a philosophic spiritual crossroad as a man. You are at a fork in the road.

One road leads to the old way that you’ve been on, which is this is the way I want it to be. This is the way it should be. This is the way that makes me feel comfortable. Here’s what I need in order to be me in this world. Here’s what I need from you world to do so I can feel comfortable launching out being myself, putting myself out there. And you’re wanting the world a little bit to conform. And if it doesn’t conform, you’re letting that nonconformity impact you.

Joel: Yeah.

Marc: So because the world is not being its potential as you see it. And you’re probably right. You’re pulling back. And you’re not liking the game. And there’s a part of you that judges the game. There’s a part of you that gets angry at the game. I get it. I get angry at my family. Like come on you guys, like grow faster, evolve faster. Come on world, grow faster, evolve faster. That’s us being immortal teenagers with a lot of energy who want to change the world.

Right now you’re 32 and you have to come for more wisdom. And when I say more wisdom, what I mean is the world is not going to do what we want it to do in the way we want it, when we want it to do that. It has its own rules. And in order for us to impact the world, me and you as men, we have to play by the world’s rules. We have to learn those rules.

Obviously, there are certain things you’re not going to do. I’m not asking you to compromise your deepest moral and ethical values. But what I’m saying is here we are. You got to wear clothes. You’ve got to wipe your butt. You got to have a form of transportation. You got to read. You got to write. We have to earn money. Do people earn money in bad ways? Absolutely. But we all have to do it.

So to me, there’s a place where you are embodying now or learning to embody a different part of your manhood. And it’s the part of you that’s more the warrior. And the warrior has to jump into the fray.

And when you jump into the fray, you’re not perfect. When you jump in and start teaching or coaching or counseling or working somewhere, it isn’t going to be perfect. People will not like you. People will like you. Some people will accept you. Some people will reject you. Some people will think you’re an idiot. Some people will think you’re a genius. That’s the world. We will get all kinds of input and all kinds of toxicity.

And to me, it’s about you getting in alignment with what the world really is and letting go of how you want it to be. And not letting go of your dream for the world. Not letting go of your goodness. Not letting go of your spark.

But understanding that the world doesn’t roll out the red carpet for us to do good. It doesn’t roll out the red carpet. “Oh hey, Joel, you want to do good stuff in the world? No problem. We’re here for you. Here’s this great job. Here’s this great income. Here’s this great support. Here’s all this security and safety.”

It doesn’t work like that. We are in a form of chaos. Planet Earth is chaos. And you want it to be safe. It isn’t safe. We can create safety within certain relationships. We can have agreement. You can look at the light and it says, “Walk across the street. It says go. It’s green. For you and me, as pedestrians, it’s still not safe.” I still look both ways to make sure that a car is not going to run me over. So I get that a safety has been created for me but I’m still alert.

So all I’m saying is I think for many men there comes a point which I believe you are at where for you it’s not about eating less, eating more, figuring out your food thing. The food issue is perfectly there for you because it’s showing you that there’s a place where you’re getting nervous and you need to soothe.

So we’re just reverse engineering now and go, “Okay, so where is the action for you? What’s the biggest challenge, the biggest stressor for you in life?” To me, the biggest challenge and the biggest stressor for you is stepping into yourself. But for you, in your mind, I believe, stepping into yourself has to look a certain way. You have certain ways that you want it to look. And certain conditions have to be in place. And I’m saying is, you got to remove those conditions.

Joel: All of them?

Marc: Yeah, most of them. You have to be willing to remove all of them. You have to be willing to remove all of that. So here is my dream for you, I’m just going to tell you my dream for you. It’s very selfish right now. But I’m saying this once again as older brother who I had just been doing this longer than you have.

So my dream for you is that you reach a place where you feel empowered about who you are, that you’re doing work in the world that supports you, that you feel good about, that gives you enough money to have the basics and a little bit left over to have a nice little life, and that you feel you’re contributing and you feel you’re giving your gifts. And that’s my dream that you get to that place.

But to do that in this world is a rarity. It’s a privilege. It’s a privilege. And you have to claim it. And claiming it is not easy. Because if it was easy, you would’ve done it a long time ago. I would’ve done it a long time ago. It took me 50 years to figure out how to do it the way I wanted to do it. I was committed to doing good work in the world to making money doing good work in the world that I felt passionate about. But that’s a 1% life. How many people do you know have that?

So if you want to have a 1% life, you got to put in a 1% effort, you know what I’m saying? You got to put in the kind of effort that gives you that gift. And that effort, it’s up to life’s terms, not necessarily your terms or my terms. So I’m yakking away here, how’s all this landing for you so far?

Joel: Yeah. Your speaking sounds sensible to me, yeah. I feel, although minute, there are elements of resistance within me because I feel like one of my, I don’t know what to call it, a value or guiding principle is that because I see so much corruption in the world that there are certain rules that, as we are stepping into graduated manhood or whatnot, that some of those rules actually I feel like I was born to be breaking certain rules to shoulder fallacies. And so that’s one of the things that has made it difficult for me to adapt to the grind that I guess everyone steps through, ultimately, at some point.

I mean I definitely want to do that like kind of meeting halfway thing. I feel like there’s—I don’t feel completely able to just let go of certain elements that I do feel inside of me that should be how I have come to perceive it through my felt sense reality.

But at the same time, I also take in and appreciate what you’re saying that there’s a much greater degree of adaptability that I need to also take in. And that there are certain rules that make up the consensus reality for everyone that I can’t go against because it’s just going to close the doors. So that makes a lot of sense to me.

Marc: Not my favorite movie, have you seen the movie, The Matrix?

Joel: Of course.

Marc: Okay. So I want you to think of it like when you go to work in the world, you’re going into the matrix. You have to play by the rules. You have to be in the matrix. You have to learn how to shape shift. You got to learn how to put on a suit if you need to put on a suit. Put on a bathing suit if you want to go in the ocean. Put on a tuxedo if you want to be the best man at the wedding. You got to learn how to put on your dancing clothes if you want to go out and salsa. So we put on different costumes to accomplish different tasks.

Does that mean you are the bathing suit person? Does that mean you are the businessman? No. It just means you put on different costumes. You put on your pajamas at night. That’s the costume to go to bed in, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be sleeping the rest of your life. It’s learning how to have more facility in the world so you could be more effective in it.

So yes, you’re on a crazy planet with a lot of nonsense. And you could talk about, let’s say, the banking system and how awful it is and how terrible it is. And the way it is, is you got to keep money somewhere and I don’t recommend under a mattress. So it’s like, okay, so I have to use that system. Okay, I don’t like the fact that I have to pay tax on the same car that I bought year after year after year, at least in this country. And I got to get a license. But okay, I want to drive a car, that’s the rule. So I can adapt to that without fighting it.

Before you start breaking the rules or holding them up for people that they should be changing them or breaking them, if you want to be effective at that, you have to understand those rules. You got to know how to talk about those rules. You got to be chill about those rules. Because if you get on your soapbox about it, nobody’s going to listen.

Joel: I see.

Marc: So we got to be clever. You have to be smart. It’s not like we can say, “I want to do this my way because my way isn’t always the smartest way.” So what I’m simply telling you is, if you want to change the world, you have to be more clever. You have to be more stealth. You have to put on your costume and understand when I go into a certain job, I’m assuming a role.

And I have to play that role well. That role doesn’t define me. But I’ve been able to have all kinds of fascinating impact in the world because I can walk into different places and talk to different kinds of people and have their attention. That’s way more effective than hitting them over the head. If I have their attention, they’re listening to me. Hitting them over the head, they’re not going to like it.

So what’s happening is you tend to get a little bit caught like a deer. Well, you get angry but you also get caught like a deer in headlights. You get stopped from action because there’s a part of you that realizes your system is not effective for you. It’s not moving you forward in the best way. Your system, meaning, I’ve got to be safe before I do anything. It has to look like this. I’ve got to fight things in that way.

And I’ve got to make this big impact. And it’s got to be perfect. Whew, that’s a lot of hard constraints. I would not want to step out into the world if that’s what was going on in my head. There’s a lot of pressure there. So you’re setting yourself up to fail from the get-go, which is why you don’t want to make attempts.

So I want you, personally, I want to see you get in the game. I don’t want to see you on the sidelines. You’re fully ready to get in the game. But it’s a fray. It’s mayhem. It’s chaos. It’ll get messy. You will get angry. People will piss you off. People will do stupid things. And then it’s your job and it’s my job to go, okay, how do we conduct that? How do we Tai Chi it? How do we master it? How do we navigate it? How do you help move somebody’s energy so they see it in a different way? We can’t necessarily have the perfect conditions from the beginning to create that because this is not how the world works. The world is very messy and is very imperfect.

So that’s me over here trying to just tell you straight up, head on. I’m just trying to save years of counseling, coaching psychotherapy. Like really, really, really to say like what would help you get unstuck. To my mind, what helps you get unstuck is to bump it up to the level of philosophy and see how your philosophy wants to change.

Your philosophy is actually bigger than you. It’s smarter than you. The wisdom in the universe is bigger and smarter than me or you. It’s trying to come through. And it’ll come through in a very wise and intelligent way.

And it’ll come through in a way oftentimes that will humble us. Are you with me?

Joel: Yeah.

Marc: So there’s a part of you that has to let go of the perfection that you want to see in yourself and in the world and in your work and in your family and in all of it. And you will be free when you can look at your family and go, “You crazy nutbags, I love you all.” That’s where I come from.

Because you’ve got half your mother’s DNA and half your father’s DNA, like it or not. You’re them. So you got to see the good that’s in there. And you got to also see at the same time how you want to improve upon it, that’s totally legitimate, totally reasonable. It’s the same thing like I get mad at planet Earth but I also love it at the same time. It’s where I come from.

My family, I might describe them the same way you describe your family but I love them to pieces because I see the good in them. And I’m not trying to change them. They have a different journey, a different path. Everybody in the world, different journey, different path. And as soon as we let go of the judgment, and this is how it should be, all of a sudden the game gets exciting and it gets interesting and things start to happen. Because things are not being bottled up by my judgment or my assessment of it should be this way, not that way.

Joel: Yeah. That’s an interesting point you brought there about feeling—to take on something where it’s exciting and maybe don’t know exactly what’s going to come but to have that feeling of angst or expectation to let that no longer be, what’s swirling around me as I contemplate putting myself out in the world but actually take it on with a sense of refreshed excitement. I think that’s something that I haven’t experienced for a while now. And I think I need to reconnect to that somehow.

Marc: Yeah. And part of reconnecting to that is allowing for the terror. Because there will be fear and terror and excitement and they’re very close cousins. Oftentimes, it is said that the only difference between excitement and fear is that excitement has breathing in it.

And we’re slightly seeing things a little different. Fear, we tend to hold our breath. Excitement is like [gasping for air]. And excitement, we’re giving ourselves a moment of exhilaration or joy, which is often, often, often present in the very thing we’re afraid of.

Right on the other side of fear is excitement. Think of a rollercoaster. Some people go down a rollercoaster and they’re screaming because they’re excited and somebody sitting next to them might be screaming because they’re afraid. It looks the same but it’s a slightly different attitude with a little bit of breathing.

So what I want to say to you is it’s not always going to be exciting. You have to allow for the terror and the fear to come in. Your fear of the fear; your fear of the terror; your fear of the discomfort, I believe, is a major factor that stops you. And it will cause you or stimulate you to want to eat because your body wants to feel soothed and you want to get back to a certain state that is familiar to you. What I am saying is, I want to see you slowly reset your system so that your system, this body, and this nervous system, your nervous system, can tolerate more nonsense, more ambiguity, more fear, more uncertainty, more lack of control. Because the reality is, you have no control. I have no control.

Yeah, okay, I’m in the car. I’ve got some control. I could control what I wear today, what I eat today to some degree, who I talk to. There are certain kinds of control that we have. When you get sick, when you die, who you’re going to meet, who you’re not going to meet, all these things, all the mysteries of life, we got no control over, my friend. So that’s a piece of your philosophy and religion you want to really put on the altar and see, does this realty serve me? Is that a good commandment of my Ten Commandments that I’m living by? I don’t think it is. I don’t think it moves the action forward.

The idea is for you to have the kind of nervous system that can handle. You give a lecture and thousands of people don’t show up to show up. I’ve given a lecture and one person showed up. I walked into bathroom, I asked them to wait for a minute. I wanted to cry. I was told there was going to be hundreds of people there, granted there was a snowstorm, but still one person.

And I had a choice. And I remember thinking to myself, I could either collapse and cry like a baby, which I wanted to do, trust me. Or I could make this the best lecture ever. So I made it the best lecture ever. That was my commitment. I’m going to walk out there, I’m going to go back into the room and going to be excited. And I’m going to answer all this person’s questions and she’s going to get $10,000 worth of experience. So all I’m saying is we are training our nervous system to handle increasing levels of life and complexity.

Joel: And being messy.

Marc: Yes. You got to learn to be messy, my friend.

Joel: I’ve been told.

Marc: Yes. You’ve got to let your nervous system weightlift the world more and weightlift the things that are uncomfortable for you and lean in a little bit more. So it’s a very masculine piece I’m asking you to learn. You have a very well developed feminine. That is one of your superpowers. You have very strong intuition. You said to me at the beginning of this call, I’m at a point in my life where I’m looking to put one foot in front of the other. You’re wanting to live more in the moment. I understand that. That’s more the feminine part of our brain and that’s fine. But in my opinion for you, right now, you need to be in more your linear logical masculine left-brain mode in life. It doesn’t mean you’re letting go of all your intuition.

Joel: Kind of orients.

Marc: To orient—

Joel: To kind of orient the creativity and the intuition that I’ve harbored over the last long stretch period of introspection.

Marc: Yes, 50/50. I would like to see you at least 50/50 in your masculine and in your feminine. And your masculine is very different from your feminine and you’re going to have to get to know it. And you’re going to have to cultivate it just as deliberately as you’ve cultivated your intuitive capacities, your subtle abilities, your ability to see, your ability to pierce beyond the veil, all that sort of thing. Your ability to empathize and to feel, you’ve cultivated that. Good for you.

Now, I’m asking you, cultivate your masculine side, the linear side of you. The side that plans. The side that says I’m going to be making this much money by this amount of time. I’m going to be living in my own place by such and such a date. And then you start to reverse engineer and see how you do that. See how you make that happen.

So you could still have flow within that, certain days, on the weekend, whenever. But it isn’t going to be all the time. It’s learning how to balance those out because that’s the yin and yang of the universe. That’s what gets things done, the different parts of us.

The masculine part of you is going to be the part of you that’s the doer in the world that’s going to actually do stuff and make stuff happen and shield yourself from that which is no good for you or let things in that is good for you. And when an arrow gets in there that hurts, your masculine is the part of you that’s going to go, “Ahh, that hurt. Let’s not do that again,” and tend to your wound a little bit. So have you read the book The Way of the Superior Man?

Joel: I haven’t read it but I have had segments of it preached at me.

Marc: Okay. Read the book. Read the book. That’s a good book for you to read. Whatever it is about the book that you don’t like, don’t like it, throw it out, don’t worry about it. So I’m going to say to you, at least 90% of that book might be applicable for you. Whatever 10% doesn’t feel good or feel right, don’t let that get in the way of the goodies in it. You follow me?

Joel: Yeah.

Marc: And it’s probably the best book I know out there on retraining the masculine mind. Because it just has a lot of great distinctions about here is the masculine way of being. And when I say masculine, it’s the masculine for men, the masculine for women. It’s the masculine polarity of lives in the universe, in nature, but specifically in human beings, specifically in this case for you as a man, for us as men.

We live in a time—and it pisses me off, I’m just being personal here—where it’s very politically correct for us to be gender neutral. If you’re gender neutral, be gender neutral. We all have I think a naturalness to our gender. Whatever that is. We’re thrown a certain way. We’re born a certain way.

I think the world has been enculturating men and women. It has been enculturating it’s women to be extra-masculine and it has been enculturating its men to be extra-feminine. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe not. But I think we stepped over the bounds a little too far. And what happens is a lot of our men are missing a piece of their masculine. A lot of our women are missing a part of their feminine.

So for me, I know that was the case. And I had to really cultivate my masculine so I could have what I want in this world so I could be the person I want to be in this world, the man I want to be in this world and to have all my tools available to me. I want to play with a full toolkit. I want to have all the advantages a human could have in this world to do good, to have a good life. That means having a well-developed feminine and a well-developed masculine. So what I’m saying to you is that’s what I think a great kind of course correction would be for you at that fork in the road. I want you to take the fork in the road that says developing my masculine.

Joel: Well, I guess that can be a good starting point. Because like when I think of developing a practice for honing in the masculinity. I could say that’s going to elude me but perhaps I can use that book that you suggested, The Way of the Superior Man, as a starting point for daily practice. So reading some of that perhaps and just really sinking in to that logical aspect.

Marc: I would love for you to do that. And I would love for you to think about creating more structure for yourself. Because part of what’s going to help your masculine come out even more is for you to have structure. Right now, you’re a little bit hesitant around structure and you’re melting an immune system response to structure. That’s how it occurs to me when we talk about it and when I hear you talk about being in the flow.

And I get that it’s comfortable for you and it’s safe for you. But it’s not strengthening you at this stage of the game to my mind. So to me, you’re launching yourself right now. That’s kind of how I’m looking at it and structure will be your God. Structure is going to help you be the best possible human and the best possible man. Because in order to be effective in the world, we need structure, plain and simple.

We need structure that makes us effective. Your house is a structure. Your computer is so well structured and articulated. The Internet is so well structured and articulated. The financial system, all of it, nutrition, biology, very structured, very well articulated. So we are just going to mimic life.

And we’re going to be structured and well articulated because in that place, that’s when creativity could then have something to flow through. And when creativity is flowing through a structure, then you have a museum that people can come to. Then you have a professional practice that people can come into your office, into your structured system, and then within that, creativity is free to occur. You follow me?

Joel: I do, I do. Yeah.

Marc: Yeah. So it’s changing your thinking. It’s changing your thinking and what I’m saying is, it’s actually changing your thinking in a really big way. I’m asking a lot of you here. I’m asking you to change your religion a bit. I’m asking you to change your philosophy or at least consider it.

At least consider it because I think that’s going to be the key for you to get where you want to go, is to embrace the masculine and to see how some of your operating guidelines right now are taking you away from that masculine and into the place that’s more safe and comfortable and familiar to you.

But what I’m saying is you’re stepping out into the unknown, which is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. And the unknown lets you know your fear. And the fact that something is unknown and uncertain and out of your control means that’s where the masculine is, that direction, that’s where it is.

Joel: It also sounds like from the philosophy you’re describing that when encountering that inevitable hiccup that, yes, that’s the direction to go in. But then that’s also where I can channel in the feminine creativity to find the solution to that very problem that’s demanding that masculine presence.

Marc: Bingo, bingo. 100%. You got it.

Joel: Alright. Well, I think I got the direction that I need to take decisive and consistent action on.

Marc: Yeah. And, Joel, I really appreciate this conversation because over here, in my world, I’ve kind of hit you with some hard stuff. And I feel like you’re just being a great sport and you’re really open and being considerate. Where I’m coming from, again, is it’s, for me, this has been a very man-to-man conversation.

And sometimes our conversations are woman-to-man, woman-to-woman, it’s like it’s all those different permutations. And it’s a different conversation because men and women are different. We’re equal in the eyes of the universe but we are different creatures. So to me, we’ve been discussing distinctions around men and the masculine that I believe are important, particularly important for what you said about where you’re at, where you’ve been, and where you want to go.

I think it’s a big missing piece in this world right now and I think you are well equipped for this challenge. And it’s going to be a challenge. And it’s going to rough you up. And it’s going to get messy. And it’s going to get dirty. And you’re going to get a little bumped and bruised. And you’re going to feel hurt. You’re going to get your feelings hurt.

And part of being in the masculine is not numbing our feelings but it’s learning how to protect ourselves and protect our feelings and have feelings and have a heart. But at the same time, being willing and able to go into the world and do battle when we need to do battle.

Be a warrior when you need to be a warrior. Be clear when you need to be clear. And if somebody wants to say, “No, I disagree.” And you want to stand your ground and say, “I’m sorry, this is the way I see it,” then your nervous system and your digestive system can handle that.

Joel: Yeah, that’s so key right there.

Marc: Yeah. So the way you learn that is by practice. So your digestive system will get stronger as you practice that. And you already have a fast metabolism. It’s a little bit sensitive. But having a fast metabolism actually is going to mean you’re nervous system is pliable. It means you can make shifts and changes easier than you know in this regard. So I’m pretty confident for you.

Joel: Oh, good. And maybe I’ll just be sure to add a little bit of friendly wrestling on the side too…

Marc: There you go. I like it. For sure. Absolutely. That’s what I’m saying. So, Joel, I really appreciate you taking the time. I really appreciate you diving in and I think it’s been a really, really good conversation. And I look forward to a bunch of months down the line, we’ll do this again. We’ll reconnect and see how you’re doing. Get the book. Read it. And I think you’re going to get a lot of it.

Joel: Okay. Thank you, Marc. I really appreciate it. This has been an honor for me as well, thank you.

Marc: And an honor for me too. Thank you, Joel.

And thank you, everybody, for tuning in. So appreciate it. Once again, I am Marc David, on behalf of the Psychology of Eating podcast, lots more to come, my friends. Thanks for tuning in and take care.

The Institute for the Psychology of Eating © Institute For The Psychology of Eating, All Rights Reserved, 2016

Get Your FREE Video Series

New Insights to Forever Transform Your Relationship with Food

P.S. If you haven’t had a chance to check out our FREE information-packed video series, The Dynamic Eating Psychology Breakthrough, you can sign up for it HERE. It’s a great way to get a better sense of the work we do here at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. If you’re inspired by this work and want to learn about how you can become certified as an Eating Psychology Coach, please go HERE to learn more. And if you’re interested in working on your own personal relationship with food, check out our breakthrough 8-week program designed for the public, Transform Your Relationship with Food, HERE.

from Robert Morgan Blog http://psychologyofeating.com/psychology-of-eating-podcast-episode-187-a-man-has-a-breakthrough-with-food-life/