#Tmi but my new meds make me sweat more

[celibate-batjokes-mpreg-yaoi-911]

ive been suffering gastrointestinally

[mandana-the-service-pup]

Methotrexate Update

Doctor got back to me about my labs. My absolute monocytes are high but she isn’t concerned. She didn’t explain why (my best guess it’s bc my exercise has increased so drastically in such a short amount of time but idk) She says I can stay at the same dose and she doesn’t need another lab for three months. I have been doing GREAT on it. Hardly any negative side effects.

The stomach pain I’ve had every night for a year is gone.

My post-exercise chest pain that I’ve been going to cardiologist and ER for since Oct 2022 is completely gone (playing and shoveling snow 100% would have set that off)

TMI // My period has been freaking purple since Sept 2022 and I’ve been bleeding so much that the OBGYN thought I had a fibroid rupture. Well I just had my first period on Methotrexate and it’s all back to normal now and the amount was 1/3 what it has been which is a huge relief. It still hurt but I was able to eat and drink which I usually struggle with for the first few days. Maybe the pain will get better over time.

My gums don’t bleed any more when flossing. It just stopped as soon as I started methotrexate.

I’m able to eat and drink a lot more than I was which is great.

I have way more range of motion in my joints (which is making me have more problems with my hypermobility but whatev)

I still have muscle and joint pain but I honestly think most of it is bc I’ve been able to do so much more. I was taking 600 mg ibuprofen 2-3 times a day and my pain was still 7-7.5/10 and now I’m not taking any ibuprofen except maybe once every couple days and it’s a solid 6-6.5/10

Oh and I can take deeper breaths. Like I’m still having low oxygen show up on my oxymeter but for most of my life my ribs have felt like I’m wearing a corset and they can’t expand when I breath in and that has improved so much that I just walk around the house thinking “wow. I can take a breath. Wow” I’m not sure if this is due to my joints and ribs having more range of motion or if it’s connected to the hyperinflation of my lungs that showed up on the X-ray. Idk but it’s awesome and I’m making an appointment with pulmonologist again to double check lung stuff

The only con I’m currently having is the high absolute monocytes which my dr says is fine and I’ve been having really bad night sweats (actually I’m sweating a ton all the time) but I think my body is just like…recalibrating. Usually effects are really seen after a few months so I’m super excited for 2024!

Mandana’s Health Update

Surprise surprise the new vet doesn’t want to prescribe LDN/s

I get why. There are no studies on using LDN for pain in dogs (there are a few cancer studies in dogs which include LDN for pain relief and QOL but whatev) I humored her and tried to use Carprofen but Mandana doesn’t do well on pain meds and always gets an upset stomach after a couple days. This time was no different and she was miserable and vomiting so I took her off it. We discussed all of our options which I’ll list now for reference:

Decrease carprofen from 75mg twice a day to 75mg once a day // not gonna work bc the original dose wasn’t even very effective for managing her pain and I imagine if she’s already having problems with NSAIDs then taking even a small dose every day for years will hurt her.

Try a different NSAID called Meloxicam // we expect the same problem we have with carprofen

Try a different type of pain relief called Amantadine // Used along side NSAIDs (which we can’t do) so not very effective on its own and can have a side effect of urine retention which Mandana is prone to (she gets this as a “rare” side effect of both apoquel and Benadryl so I would rather not risk it, esp since Proin gave her high blood pressure and we had to discontinue it so there would be no back up if she got incontinence again)

Try the new type of pain relief that was just approved in the US called Librela // This is what we’re going to do next. She has an appointment for her first injection 1.5 weeks from now.

Consult with a Neurologist and get an MRI // After we get her back pain approved by our PetsBest insurance we will make an appointment for a neurologist consult and MRI. The two X-rays we have are 9 months apart and show a narrowing of the disc space between L4-5 but the general consensus is that it shouldn’t be causing as much pain as she is in so an MRI will give us a better idea of what’s going on and the Neurologist might have more treatment options for us.

We really want to wrap up some of these big health concerns for both of us before 🐾2025🐾👀 and we are already making a lot of progress so I’m super hopeful!

[bittersweetblasphemy]

Sorry you’re hurting and having to do scary shit today! I’m in the same boat but we are holding hands and being so brave about it (in my head). I hope it all goes well and you feel better soon!!!!

*shaking sweating gross crying on the floor* made it.

thanks anon <3 i hope whatever you're dealing with gets taken care of asap and you feel better soon too!

kinda tmi and medical talk under the cut bc i need to get this out

the good news is that the doctors are taking me seriously. the bad news is the doctors are taking me seriously. they definitely think something is up. so now i have an appointment for an endoscopy and a referral to a neurologist in case it's not an anatomical issue.

scary shit when the doc walks in clearly ready to dismiss you but grows more serious and earnest as you answer their questions.

i'm trying not to feel too anxious about it or the fact that my endoscopy is going to be a thirty minute drive. at least they said i could take my anti-emetics as long as i take them dry (which i am able to do, thankfully).

ngl i broke down sobbing when the doc wrote me a script for more zofran and said he'd be able to do refills. just knowing im not gonna run out of meds kinda broke me.

i really just want to be better before my kiddo's birthday. we were gonna do a big zoo trip and i really want to make that happen for them.

[highwaydiamonds]

The Boomtown Rats might've had it kinda right*- I don't like Mondays either, and today started off rocky tbh.

I got over to exercise okay but hen I got there they took my weight and it was up more than we all expected... Which is not a good thing with my CHF... It's not about my being overweight - it's about more weight over a certain time period gained and am i retaining fluid or having swelling anywhere... Couple that with my BP being up and one of the RNs was kind of all over me... Wanting tme to call my doctor today grrr. And I had to admit the one med I don't always take is my bumetanide (aka bumex -which if you've ever been in the hospital and admitted they might have put you on Lasix- both are diuretics - to pull fluids off you). I hate taking it because, sorry if this is TMI, it makes me have to run to the bathroom too dang often! And truthfully, these days I don't feel bad or problematic when not taking it so....I'm bad about taking it. Everything else I tale p much like clockwork unless i somehow forget to. Anyway, this put me in a cranky mood during exercise because the nurse was all, " i want you to take it easy today - don't push yourself" And then kept asking me " do you have a cardiologist- are you going to call them today?" cue me internally wanting to respond like a pissed off teenager," Yes Casey, I do, I have a cardiologist and a vascular specialist too- do you want me to promise you a blood/sweat/tears sample, and someone else's first born since i don't have a uterus anymore?" He aactually was like, " So who is your cardiologist- does he work for ____? (fill in blank with name of the health system they're part of)" I said Yes he is part of the system, gave his name and when Caey didn't knoww him, I advised, he's in the medical building across the parking lot. 😠 So. annoying. I mean the exercise went relatively okay - did 35 mins or so of cardio- super light tho and another 10 mins of resistance / stretching. I just felt like it wasn't what it could have been if Casey hadn't been nearly sitting on my shoulder. I get that it's rehab and stuff but like... please stop hovering like a vulture ok? I am wearing a monitor I am sure it will tell you if there's a problem. I left there such a crankypants.

This evening was my diabetes education session, which mostly went fine... Most of the info was not new, but a little of it was, so that was good. Most interesting thing was that exercise has an effect on the blood sugar for up to 48 hours after you do it - so hey that's a solid reason to do the hated exercise. there were some nice people in there, one older very negative lady but she was a nice person... I also was able to flip the switch over to "more personable" and talk more (mostly about my glucose monitor - i have one of the continuous ones)... As usual, when I have a framework/ shared topic we are focusing on then I do better. It's when I have to do small talk/ talk about myself or just y'know " be myself" with strangers that all heck breaks loose. I'm fine being my weird ass and goofily loquacious self with people who know me. When people don't know me then I get all awkward and anxious and don't know how to be. I want to hang out and be normal - but then I think, " omg what is normal? how do i be normal? shit - i don't know how to be normal?!"

But yeah - so week one of class done. Just we are supposed to fo a food log to help us look at our carbs. I hate food logs. I hate that they feel like a control mechanism - and a good amount of my food issues are about control and when i get upset especially if i feel i'm being food policed I just want to eat MORE... Kind of as a "fuck you!" Is it a good reaction? No. Do I think part of my weight gain over the weekend was related to some of this - tangentially yes... I just hate having to write it all down - I know it's supposed to help me see patterns but uggggggggghhhhhhhhh. I will do it but i'm going to hate looking at this shit. I do not want to feel guilty about eating cookies when i write down the cookies and how many i ate and the carbs in them etc. It also just irks that with exercise I keep getting weighed and this is all going to come back to bite me :/ I know I'm doing this all for my OWN good... But honestly it doesn't FEEL good so doing it is HARD. But that being said... I will eat my cookie and log the damn cookies so I don't feel denied of cookies which would just piss me off more. So yeah... I can make me do it - but I can't make me do it happily - which honestly, that irony makes me laugh at myself. smh.

so i'mma relax for the rest of the night - tomorrow I have therapy and some cleaning to do, plus laundry (bleh to both) nd I might see if I can find a chair yoga class I can do to qualify as some activity for thee day - we shall see how it goes. I'm still hoping the week will improve!

[jawnjendes]

a particular lie | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

if there’s anything you wanna see happen in this series, let me know!

masterlist | series playlist

“She just goes right for the what?” I asked incredulously.

Shawn only smirked and wiggled his eyebrows.

He has been quite open with me ever since we started dating, mostly in the hopes that I would do the same. It was easy for him to be honest because he put so much of himself in his music, which was both his passion and his therapy. It was just another thing I adored about him, even though I never outwardly said it. Explicit expression of emotions was… quite the task for me.

Anyway, Shawn put a new song up on Spotify and it was a lot sexier and more fun than his other ones. The lyrics caught my attention, because they were pure sex, which he and I hadn't done a lot of. I certainly didn't do what this girl in the song did, not that I thought he was going to be singing about our sex life. I just knew Shawn got around as much as I did before we met each other. Although, his reasons were different from mine. Consider my curiosity sparked!

“So, who's this ex you were obsessed with?” I asked with a grin. The song was on repeat in the background, playing through my small bedroom in the dorm.

“Oh, you don't wanna hear about that,” Shawn replied, waving it off.

“If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked,” I said, only for my attention to be taken by another interesting lyric. I was learning a lot about the sensual side of my boyfriend.

Then, I crawled onto the bed where Shawn was laying, and I made my way onto his lap. I smiled at him and gently ran my fingers through his curly brown hair. “So, you gonna spill the tea or…?”

“If I do, will you keep doing that?” he asked, closing his eyes at my touch.

Listen, I love music. I'm not a singer or songwriter like my boyfriend, but I knew the effect music can have. Listening to music and creating playlists was one of my healthy coping mechanisms. A good song can alter my mood completely, and this song… Well, I felt a little daring.

My hands cupped Shawn's face and I leaned in until our faces were an inch apart. “I'll do whatever you want…”

His cheeks heated up almost immediately, but he sounded composed when he spoke. “It was just an idea that ran through my head.”

“Like a fantasy?”

“Uh… yeah. Something like that. Now, are you going to do whatever I want?”

The rising heat between us was enough to wipe away any other questions from my head. I nodded and pulled him into a lustful kiss, but it only lasted for a second.

I quickly pulled away hearing noise outside my bedroom. Stella had come home, and she was chatting with someone. By chatting, I mean we heard audible kissing noises, soft moans, and finally a door slamming shut.

“Is this weird?” I asked Shawn. “I don't want this to be weird.”

He shook his head. “Two… couples can play at that game.”

I smiled and kissed him again. “I'll be right back.”

Quickly, I hopped off his lap and dashed out of the room. I ran over to the bathroom and opened the cabinet under the sink, reaching for the box of condoms Stella kept in there. Just as I snagged the last one, the lady herself ran up to the doorway.

“No,” she said in disbelief. “Please tell me there's another one.”

I shook my head. “Sorry, boo.”

“Weren't you taking it slow? I thought you weren't getting dicked down yet!”

“Bitch, I might be! I told Shawn I'll do whatever he wants! I need to be ready!”

Stella opened her mouth to argue, but it seemed like she had that argument in her head. “Fine! Only because you haven't gotten any in a while! If I catch something, I'm blaming you!”

~

We're going to get a little TMI for a minute, okay? Cool.

I was in bed with Shawn after… three hours. Yes, three fucking hours. We each missed a class, who cares? We were sweating and panting, coming down from a particularly intense high. I was beginning to wonder why I put this off for so long, even though I had very good reasons for doing so. I was perfectly sleepy and loopy in the best way, and I couldn't stop smiling.

“Mm, Stella's gonna be pissed,” Shawn mumbled as he rested his head on my chest.

Her guest didn't stay very long, we discovered after our first round. I almost felt bad, but then Shawn showed me just how talented he was with his fingers and his mouth. Nothing else mattered.

“She’ll live,” I replied, stroking Shawn's hair.

Now, I'm not a virgin, but I was new to the concept of not leaving after sex. I was new to cuddling and still caring after sex. I was new to the other person caring about me. A long line of being kicked to the curb left me very touch and affection starved, so I needed Shawn to stay with me. I needed to be reassured that he still liked me after getting his nut. He hasn't left a single time.

Shawn picked himself up, and rolled off of me. He rested on his elbow and cupped my face with his free hand. He did that when he wanted me to look directly at him.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” I mumbled, my eyelids heavy and my heart whooshing.

“I love you,” he said quietly.

Okay, I know I said I needed reassurance… but my eyes weren’t heavy anymore, and the cloud I was on vanished and hurdled me back to earth. I blinked a few times and I smiled. Shawn had a hopeful look in his eyes, like he was expecting something in return.

“I love…” I trailed off, “that concept.”

And I kissed him on the nose.

Yup. I said what I said, and I crawled out of bed before it got weird.

“You know what?” Shawn said while I got dressed. “I'll take it.”

I didn't know what to say, honestly. I kept my back to him as I got my underwear back on.

“That's probably as much as I'll get right now,” he continued. “And that's okay. It's probably just another wall you got up, right?”

Finally, I looked at him. He was still lying on my small bed, arms resting behind his head. He didn't look upset… but he sounded like it.

He certainly knew how to call me out too. I guess it's what I get for disclosing my reasons for going to therapy. He wasn't wrong, though. I was weary around the L word, thanks to various life experiences. I guess Shawn just wasn't having it anymore.

“Is it so bad if I don't say it the second you tell me?” I asked, mild snark in my tone.

“Well, it doesn't feel good.”

That put a gross feeling in my stomach. “Huh. I definitely don't wanna say it now…” I turned away again to pick up my t shirt.

“No - sweetheart. Hey…” Shawn got up and approached me, the blanket wrapped around his lower half. “I'm sorry. I got lost in the moment.”

“So you don't feel that way?” I was confused now… and picking a fight.

“I do. I don’t know how soon is too soon for you, but I love you… a lot. You don't have to say it back at all, or ever. I know you don't use words to express those things, and that's okay. I promise.”

Why does he have to be nice to me? Why can’t we just yell and be angry and call things off? Why can’t we just ignore each other for weeks and have him come back just to sleep with me again?

I offered a weak smile and silently went to my dresser. It was time for my round of meds. Usually, I had to take 2 of my 3 pills in the morning, but I was rarely awake before ten o’clock. I knew how to take care of myself, it was just actually doing it accordingly was my problem.

Shawn approached me yet again. He looked down at my prescription bottles and whistled. “You take all of these everyday?”

“Not this one.” I held up the bottle with large white tablets. “This one is only for three more days. It’s for my abnormal digestive tract.” I smiled like I said the most attractive thing in the world. Then I held up the bottle with small, white circular pills. “I also got birth control to treat PCOS-”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a reproductive disorder. There’s that, and finally-” I held up the bottle with blue and white tablets. “Prozac for the nerves.” I wanted to jokingly ask if he still loved me, but it was probably too soon.

“Wow,” Shawn said. “My little fighter.”

I chuckled as I downed 3 pills at once. “It’s not a big deal. In three days, I’ll be down to two pills.”

Then, there was a knock on the door, followed by Stella’s voice.

“If y’all are done,” she called, “me and Camila need a ride to the mall!”

“Your kids are calling,” Shawn told me with a grin.

~

My boyfriend left to his next class, leaving me to drive Stella and Camila. Oh, and it wasn’t just the two of them, either. They had a third friend named Hailey who tagged along. She was long, blonde, and beautiful. She didn’t speak that much, she just sat with Camila in the backseat and scrolled on her phone. She, Stella, and Camila could wipe out the entire campus with their looks.

I really felt like a mom driving her teenage daughters around. That was partly because I felt tired and my stomach was grumbling ominously. I love being a 40-year-old mom.

“Did you guys hear Shawn’s new song?” Camila asked. “It’s different, right?”

“It sure is,” I said, blushing at the events that happened after I first heard it. “What a talented boy.”

“Why don’t you tell him that?” Stella asked, probably still salty about the screaming match from earlier.

I chuckled. “I can’t. He’s already got a huge ego.”

Then came something interesting from Hailey, who I did not think was listening to a word I had to say. Oh jeez…

“That’s not the only huge thing about him.”

I peeked at her through the rearview mirror. She was still scrolling on her phone like nothing happened. Uuuhhhhhhhhhhh-

“You know you’re talking to Shawn’s girlfriend, right?” Camila said non-too-gently.

“Yeah,” Hailey said mindlessly. “Thought I was just saying something we could agree on.”

Shit, I thought I was bad at making conversation. Aside from that, my stomach felt heavier. It made me sweat a little bit.

“Are you, like, trying to flex your BDSM thing or something?” Stella asked, looking back at Hailey.

What the hap is fuckening??

“I’m just quite particular. And Shawn would agree.”

Particular? Why particular?

“Did you date him?” I finally asked, but talking made my nerves increase.

Hailey laughed. “I wouldn’t say that. He was never the dating type. I wonder what he sees in you. No offense.”

My stomach kept flipping, so I kept my eyes firmly on the road. “Yeah, I always say he’s much cooler than me.” Especially right now, because I felt quite warm in the face.

“Hey, you’re cool,” Stella reassured. “And Shawn is very fucking lucky to have you. You’re not exactly the dating type either, it’s a match made in heaven.”

I smiled and then flipped off the AC. “Is it too cold?”

The other three girls said they were fine. While I was blushing from the uncomfortable conversation, the rest of my body was chilly. Soon enough, I was trying not to visibly shiver. Also, why did I never know that Shawn wasn’t “the dating type?”

“You know his song is called Particular Taste, right?” Camila said. “Does that sound familiar, Hailey?”

“I knew I left an impression. Guess I just have that effect.”

Suddenly, I hit the brakes and swerved to the side of the highway. The girls practically screamed at my actions and were about to cuss me out. However, the second I pulled the parking brake, I opened the door and threw up on the ground. It didn’t take long because there wasn’t much in my stomach. Once I finished, I sat back in my seat and shut the door.

“Like I said,” I told the girls, who were now looking horrified, “my boyfriend is way cooler than me.”

He’s also a fucking liar.

~

Shawn was out of class by the time I got back to campus. I just knew that by looking at the time, so I went back to my dorm and asked him to meet me there. If I was going to be sick again, I’d rather it be in my own living space.

I listened to his new song again while I waited for him to come over. The lyrics had a whole new meaning now that I had spoken to Hailey. This song was riddled with inside jokes and little intimate moments that had happened between them. So it was just some fantasy, huh? Just a little idea? When in reality, she actually went for the face. Holy fuck.

When he finally showed up, he had a plastic bag in hand, and he was moderately frantic. “Hey!” He kissed my cheek as he stepped into my humble abode. “Camila texted me saying you got sick, so I brought some stuff!”

“Oh…” I said, my mind not occupied by my stupid intestines for once.

Shawn went and sat in front of the coffee table and emptied the bag. “I got chamomile to calm your tummy and your nerves. Pepto for your tummy. Oh, and I got you some Lunchables because I know you only eat that when you’re sick. How do you feel now? Feeling okay?”

I was surprised at the lengths he went. “This is… awfully nice of you. I’m fine, though. I just forgot to eat with my meds. And I’m supposed to take them separately.”

He made himself comfortable on the couch. “Aren’t they supposed to help?”

A pit of annoyance struck me in the chest. “Yeah. I don’t really wanna talk about that, though.” I cleared my throat and sat down next to him. I busied myself with devouring the Lunchables, but I still couldn’t push down what was really bothering me. “I met a girl named Hailey today. Said she knows you.”

“You met Hailey?” Shawn asked, his tone changing from that sweet boyfriend voice.

“She’s very… particular.”

He gave me a look. “Sweetheart. Is there something you wanna say?”

“Is your new song about her?”

“Well, not entirely-”

“Shawn.”

He hesitated. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s about Hailey.”

I began picking at my nails. My stomach flipped again, but it wasn’t from nausea. “Why didn’t you tell me that before?”

“Why is it such a big deal? Are you jealous?”

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “No. She’s gorgeous, and I don’t blame you for letting her sit-”

“Please don’t finish that sentence.” He paused, then he held his hand out to me. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

I folded my arms, still feeling dramatic. “Are all of your songs about exes I don’t know about? Am I going to run into all of them in the hallway? In class? How many of your songs have you lied to me about?”

“Hey, I didn’t lie-” Shawn tried to say.

“You told me you made it up. You told me there wasn’t an ex when you wrote that song.” I raised my voice a little bit. He needed to know why I was so upset.

He sighed. “I told you that because you loved the song and I was worried that the real reason would ruin it. Like when you found out about Mercy.”

My mind was still searching for things to be pissed about. How do I know he’s not lying right now? Why did I have to find out the truth from the ex and not him?

“Plus,” he continued, “you liked the song so much that we had really good sex for like three hours. How could I tell you then?”

“Oh, so you lied to get into my pants? You know I was trying to take that part slow!”

“That’s not why I did it!” He raised his voice at me, but he stopped himself and took a deep breath. “I was trying to protect you. I wasn’t thinking of myself, I was thinking of you and your best interests!”

“Protect me?!”

Now, Shawn looked exasperated. He huffed. “Yes, I wanted to protect you! Why is that such a bad thing?”

This is why I don’t like letting people in. Once they see what’s in my head, I’m suddenly fragile and made of glass. They think they can’t do anything around me. They proceed with caution like I’m some ticking time bomb. But Shawn knew I was strong, he was the last person I expected this from.

“I don’t need protecting,” I said firmly. “I need you to be honest with me. I don’t mind knowing about your exes. They’re probably way better than mine. I don’t mind that you write and sing about them. It’s what you do best.” It sounded less angry than I was, but I didn’t know how to sound bitchy about it.

Shawn processed what I said and nodded. “Okay. You’re right, I need to be more honest. And, I won’t perform Particular Taste if you don’t want me to.”

Oof.

“That’s another thing,” I told him. “I will never ask you to do something like that. Those are your songs, your babies. I know you’re proud of them otherwise you wouldn’t put them out there! Keep singing Particular Taste, and keep singing Mercy. They’re both amazing songs, and I love them because I love you-”

Shawn and I gasped at the same time. He lit up like a Christmas tree, all of his frustration flying away. I had my hand clamped over my mouth. My eyes widened in shock, and I quickly tried to retract my impulsive words.

“No, no!” Shawn said over me, smiling wide. “You said it! You can’t take it back!”

I could only continue staring at him with wide eyes. I didn’t mean to say it at a time like this. We were supposed to be fighting!

“You love me.” His smile was radiant, like it was his birthday. Like when he was on stage. He placed his hands on my upper arms. “Honey, it’s okay! I love you too!”

I dropped my hand and nodded. “I’m not the type to say it all the time, though. Honestly, I don’t know when’s the next time you’ll hear it.”

“I’ll say it enough for the both of us.” He kissed my forehead. “And I really am sorry I lied to you. I won’t do it again, I promise.”

My eyes narrowed. The irrational, anxious side of my brain was screaming for me to kick him to the curb. The logical side reminded me why he did it to me in the first place. His intentions were good.

“Fine.” Then I figured I’d give him one more for the road. “I… I love you.”

“And I love that concept,” he replied.

“Nevermind. I fucking hate you.”

[csadler58-blog]

Ups and Downs

I have always been one to react to traumatic situations differently. I have a tendency to act fine in the beginning and then all the sudden days, weeks, even months later, I break down and it’s never pretty. For the first 6 months-1 year of having diabetes, I did AWESOME! Always checked my sugars, (4 times a day) ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and all my snacks at the same time every day, and always counted and measured EVERYTHING. My mom was more than I could have ever asked for in a parent. She got up early every morning before work and school and made me breakfast. Measured my cereal, milk, juice, fruit, all of it. She packed my lunches, and always cooked my dinners in the same manner. I learned from the beginning to do my own shots. (My mom was terrified of needles, she even took a class for new diabetic parents where they had to check their sugars and take saline shots for I think it was a week, and she would start sweating and shaking every time. 😂) So not only was I taking on the responsibility of the disease in itself, but I was always in charge of giving my own meds. In retrospect, it was a lot to take on at such a young age, and I should have let more people help me, but I was super stubborn lol. It’s a blessing and a curse! So anyway, about a year passes and I officially got into middle school. (I was in 6th grade when I was diagnosed and turned 12 the next January after the hospital stay.) With the stresses of middle school, sports, hormones, and also the fact that I was getting a new sibling, (yay!!!) I lost it. I started getting very angry and depressed, although at the time I didn’t know what was going on. One day at school, I just completely lost my marbles and drew a line on my wrist with red marker and said when I got home, that was what I was going to do. That was the beginning of my mental illness. I spent about a week in OSU Harding Hospital, which to most would be called the looney bin. 😂 I was diagnosed with major depression, ADD, and borderline personality disorder, which was later just dropped to major depressive disorder over the years. I later developed a hair pulling anxiety disorder called trichotellamania and it caused me a lot of problems in high school because at a certain time I had no hair on the top of my head and I had also pulled out all my eyelashes on the top and bottom and my eyebrows as well. I wore scarves to cover my head and even had to get special permission from the principal because student weren’t aloud to wear anything on their heads unless it was for religious purposes. (This mostly pertained to Muslim and Arab girls who wore the scarves around their faces and heads to cover their hair.) It was a really hard time in my life and I was put on a lot of different medications. Depokote for mood swings, Prozac for the depression, Anafranil for anxiety and Concerta for concentration. After a year I was taken off Prozac and was put on Zoloft, which is the only one of these meds I still take now.

That was the first of 3 different hospitalizations at Harding Hospital. It was around that first hospitalization that I really started to neglect my sugars. I also ended up being diagnosed with hypertension at age 14 and was put on Lisinopril. It was like pulling teeth getting me to check my sugars, to take my insulin and also to take my pills. One thing I remember vividly from my childhood was my moms voice screaming, “TAKE YOUR PILLS!!!” 😂 I would even make up sugars and just write them down in my log book right before my appts with Doctor Sotos so I wouldn’t get yelled at. 😳🙄 When my a1c blood work would come back, they would know I was lying. This would eventually cause Doctor Sotos to drop me as his patient when I was 18 for noncompliance. It would later be one of the biggest regrets of my life losing him as an endocrinologist, as I never again found one I liked as well as him. The more I was asked to take care of myself, the more I wouldn’t. This behavior put me in the regular hospital, OFTEN. In middle and high school, it wasn’t so bad up until 11-12th grade. But all throughout school, I used my diabetes as an excuse to get away with EVERYTHING. Always getting out of class, used it to borrow money from people all the time to get snacks I didn’t need to have, to get out of marching when I was in band.. you name it, I did it. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. My mom was very strict with me but her and I had a very tumultuous relationship when I was teenager. Whatever she asked or told me to do, I did the exact opposite just to spite her. We fought constantly and every single day I regret all the things I’ve put her through. I was very mean, and hateful to EVERYONE except the people that didn’t matter. It was an awful time for me. When I was 18 I quit school and also quit my meds including my insulin on most days. I do believe that was the year I was hospitalized every single month of the year with diabetic ketoacidosis. Ketoacidosis is something that people with diabetes get when they have long term bouts of high blood sugars. It causes flu like symptoms which include fevers, dehydration, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. (TMI I KNOW, but necessary and important in the story. Deal with it 😂) When I was 19, that’s when I started drinking pretty heavily. I also ended up pregnant with my son Aden that year. I was a high risk pregnancy both because of my diabetes and because of my hypertension, so I should have been going to a specialized doctor every two weeks. I NEVER went to the doctor. I had a lot of complications, including bleeding, I also caught pneumonia and my sugars continued to be all over the place. Everyone in my family was getting fed up.

At 20 years old, I was 5 months pregnant and still completely in denial that I needed to grow up. My mom and I had a huge fight (I don’t remember what it was over) and she gave me an ultimatum. She said I needed to either get a job and start taking care of myself for me and my child, or I needed to leave. I was so hard headed, that I told her I would rather live in a shelter than listen to anything she said to me- so that’s exactly what I did. I only ended up there for about a week, maybe 10 days, and then I got a bus pass and road to my moms work, and BEGGED her to take me back in. I swore I would change and that I would do the right thing. Little did I know, the damage had been done. I never got a job, although I filled an application or two out on occasion to keep my family off my back. On May 7, 2008 I went into labor with my son, and it was the worst experience of my life, even worse than being on dialysis or having to get a transplant. I have expressed my sorrow before to others and on social media, and I know for a long time people didn’t believe I was truly pregnant or had a child because of how secretive I was about the whole thing. There were reasons for that in which I will not elaborate on, but it was real, and the pain I felt, the tears I shed and the loss I experienced were not imagined or made up. I was in ketoacidosis when I got to the hospital, and so when I went into ICU and I had been stabilized, and taken to the maternity floor, they couldn’t find a heartbeat for the baby. When I saw the still, silent screen and they told me the reality I never imagined I’d have to face, I had never and probably will never feel that type of emptiness again. My heart sank to my feet, and I just sat there with tears streaming down my still, emotionless face. The image of that screen will forever be burned into my brain. On May 8, I delivered my stillborn son, Aden Bryce Sadler. I held him in my arms for quite some time after all was said and done. I have never talked about the things I said to my son that day or what I am going to describe next TO ANYONE, but I feel it’s time. Part of the reason I’m doing this blog is because I need to get everything out and forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. Everything I’ve done, wrong and right has brought me to where I am and no matter which angle you look from, I’m blessed to be alive and considering my situation, things could be a lot worse. DO NOT CONTINUE READING THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU ARE EASILY EMOTIONAL, AS I CRIED WRITING THIS.. They wrapped him in a little blue and white stripped blanket, with a blue hat. I remember the color of his poor lifeless face and the hat were almost the same. He had my lips and the shape of my eyes, with long eyelashes just like mine. Dark hair that poked out of the sides of his hat, but only wavy, not ringlets like I had when I was born. He had his fathers nose, and big ol’ head, haha. I had never seen a creature so beautiful and I’d never felt so much love and so much sadness at the same time. I couldn’t tell you how many times I kissed him and rocked him close to my body, as I knew it would be the first and last time I ever would. All I could say in that moment where time stood still was this, “I’m so sorry, I love you so much. I’m so so sorry.” I just kept repeating it over and over again. The nurse came in and told me it was time. It felt like it had only been a moment and she practically had to pry him from me. I cried until I had no more tears, so long and hard that I dry heaved a few times. The worst part about it, was that I was completely alone. I was completely alone and the reason was because I pushed everyone away and locked them all out. For the first time I realized how wrong I had been, but I had too much pride to admit it. I went on for the next two months like nothing was wrong, until I got sick, and this time a simple hospital stay wouldn’t cut it. This was the first time I hit rock bottom.

[goron-king-darunia]

Health PSA: Topical Yeast Infections.

So I went through this very recently and I thought the info might be useful because I wish I had known this when it started. I’m going to get into some health stuff so it might be TMI for some of you so if you’re grossed out by weird things that bodies do, don’t read further. This post is specifically for girls/afab people mostly because the stuff I’m about to talk about involves breasts and probably doesn’t happen to guys/amab people but anyone can read and reblog. TMI stuff starts now. TL;DR at the bottom. So a while ago, out of the blue, I experienced abnormal sweating in my underboob region. I thought nothing of it. I’m a sweaty person and the months were getting warmer so I figured it was either a hormonal thing or just a seasonal thing. Problems arose when that sweating evolved to other symptoms such as a foul smell, itching, and burning.  I’m going to describe my symptoms for a diagnostic reference but your symptoms may vary. Sweat in the region was more than double what I normally experience, replenished quickly (i.e. toweling off only brought temporary dryness and the area was wet again within a few hours of sedentary activity.) was slightly sticky and smelled extremely foul. The best I can describe it as is a combo bad body odor, a light aroma of rotting flesh/garbage, and a slightly sweet smell. Rash developed a bit less than a week in and recurred no matter how often I washed myself. Washing only brought temporary relief to the itching sensation (felt slightly like widespread bug bite and slightly like pins and needles. Breast shifting caused excruciating pain, particularly when bending forward. It felt like the weight of my breasts was ripping my skin. Scratching the area made it burn like rubbing lemon on a scrape. Scratching also exacerbated the oozing problem and made the area even more sticky. My mom told me it was probably a hygiene thing. (I have depression and find it hard to bathe sometimes.) Several sources also described this as a hygiene problem and recommended putting deodorant or baby powder on the area to prevent wetness. And it helped... for maybe a couple of hours. But the rash got so bad that it was occurring daily, even when I washed and it got so bad that the pain made me weep. I was desperate for relief and finally found the answer. IF YOU’RE EXPERIENCING RASH, ODOR, AND STICKY OOZING IN YOUR UNDERBOOB REGION, IT PROBABLY ISN’T A HYGIENE PROBLEM! It turned out to be a yeast infection! Usually we think of this as something that causes uncomfortable burning in the vaginal region. But I was surprised to find that it can thrive anywhere sufficiently wet and dark, making the area under your breasts and even your armpits a prime place for yeast to thrive.  SOLUTION: Launder your bra immediately. IMMEDIATELY. After a lot of thought I realized that this issue only arose AFTER I BOUGHT A NEW BRA. I very likely picked it up from someone who transferred it to the bra when they tried it on like I did in the fitting rooms! If your bra can’t be laundered normally, spray the area that touches the infected area of your body with vinegar (typically the lower lip where the wire is for an underwire bra and the lower band for a sports bra) and leave the bra to dry in the sun. Next, to soothe the rash, you can try aloe (it might sting so only try a dab and wait a moment) or diaper cream (again, just try a dab first and only spread it over the area if it doesn’t sting. No reason to cause undue pain since this will not treat the infection, it will only soothe it.) When the area feels alright to touch apply an anti fungal powder. (I used an anti fungal foot powder. Any OTC anti fungal powder should work fine, but they do have special meds for topical yeast infections.) Apply the powder generously and avoid wearing a bra for a few days. This led to IMMEDIATE results for me. The diaper cream was a god send because it made the area hurt so much less and after laundering the bra and using the powder I have been rash free for a month now. My level of sweating is back to normal, too. TL;DR: If you experience an abnormal amount of sweating under your breasts and the area is sticky, itchy, burns, or is foul smelling, IT PROBABLY ISN’T A HYGIENE PROBLEM! It is probably a yeast infection! Anti fungal powder like for athlete’s foot should cure the infection, and aloe or diaper cream should help with the pain. Laundering your bra will also keep the infection from coming back and an infected bra may be how you acquired the infection in the first place. Disclaimer, I am not a doctor and this post is not intended to be a replacement for genuine medical aide. I am not responsible for any injury caused by attempted treatment. If your problem is a real concern, it should be diagnosed by a medical professional. This post is anecdotal evidence and may not be a reliable diagnostic aide and provides only a possible solution which may not be suitable for all rash problems. Follow the directions of any and all treatments you use when attempting to treat your rash. I am not responsible for your misuse of any of your treatment options. Legal blather, legal blather yadda yadda. I’m trusting you to be responsible here. Stay safe and fix your itch.