#To the point where I don't want to explain the correlation and I'd rather have whoever is reading this make their own connections.

[scarletjudgement]

HxH and HTTP Status Codes

The HTTP 403, 404, and 405 references in the Hunter Exam (as foreshadowing or character-summaries) is so sickening, but at the same time it's hard to deny that Togashi probably was referencing them, considering that the manga came out in 1998 while HTTP codes were a thing since 1992-1993 (and he spent a whole page explaining what the internet and computers were). It could definitely be a coincidence, but the definitions of what 403, 404, and 405 end up meaning is something we see as the stories have progressed.

For context, these are the Error Codes, and as the reader I think you may already guess and connect the dots on why I find the correlations so intriguing:

403 Forbidden: Leorio

The request contained valid data and was understood by the server, but the server is refusing action. (Wikipedia) The client does not have access rights to the content; that is, it is unauthorized, so the server is refusing to give the requested resource. Unlike 401 Unauthorized, the client's identity is known to the server... re-authenticating makes no difference. The access is tied to the application logic, such as insufficient rights to a resource. (Mozilla)

404 Not Found: Kurapika (We all know this)

The requested resource could not be found but may be available in the future. Subsequent requests by the client are permissible. (Wikipedia) A 404 status code only indicates that the resource is missing: not whether the absence is temporary or permanent. If a resource is permanently removed, use the 410 (Gone) status instead. (Mozilla)

405 Method Not Allowed: Gon (Though I think the name of the error can speak for itself)

The request method is known by the server but is not supported by the target resource. (Mozilla) A request method is not supported for the requested resource. (Wikipedia)

Further thoughts:

While it's possible that this can definitely be a stretch or a coincidence, it sure is an interesting way to look at it. And even if Togashi did not intend for these to connect, it makes me even more interested to continue reading HxH to see how long they'll connect until they're no longer applicable.

404 interests me because of "temporary unavailable" and "it may be available again in the future", so I wonder if that's applicable not only to Kurapika himself but to the Kurta Clan as well, considering we're entering the Dark Continent and I've already seen a theory on the Kurta Clan originating from the DC one way or another (reddit links)

Think of these as an allegory or metaphor

Mozilla page on HTTP Response Status Codes / Wikipedia page on HTTP Status Codes

[comicaurora]

(this ask is based on the, I'm not sure if unfounded, assumption that at least 1/6(?) main crew members has some sort of non-ace/aro attraction): How do you write allo characters as an aro person? I'm one of those annoying allos who's *hyper-romantic* and working on hypersexuality for my own health, so I color most of my writing with that and struggle to write ace people. I know a lot of writers can distance themselves more. I guess I'm just curious how you inspire your characters to act socially outside of the way that you interact, specifically in terms of romanti/sexual relationships. I'm pretty good at getting my characters to engage with the world outside of my way of doing it until it comes to romance.

It's… tough, and I'm working on it. I still need to remind myself that a lot of people legitimately do experience sexual attraction and thus find certain other people in certain situations extremely physically appealing, in contrast to my own platonic attraction (the people I like, I typically like the same amount no matter what they're doing or how they look) or aesthetic attraction (when I like how someone looks in a specific situation, it is still in an extremely hands-off "I'd like to draw that" way).

I can work my way through the logic of romance, I think. I've been told that it doesn't feel the same as friendship, and that it places another person in a somewhat uniquely structural role for one's life. I've heard it described as being someone's "everything-team" - the person they want by their side at any endeavor - which is the only thing I've ever heard about romance that I don't think applies to a good percentage of my IRL friendships.

Romantic attraction is definitely the more confusing one, because everyone I know in a romantic relationship insists it's different than their platonic ones, but can't really explain why or how, only that it is. The thing is, this makes me believe them more. I know how hard it is to explain a unique inner experience to someone who has a completely different one. Their partner is their best friend, or at least top three (understandable) and also in a unique position in their life (confusion??) I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, and I think I love my friends as much as I'm capable of, and there are people I'm friends with who I could see as a theoretical partner - except that it would change absolutely nothing about our current relationship. This is why I don't identify with the label of "aromantic" where I definitely do with "asexual", because I think I experience what people are talking about, I just feel it kinda everywhere instead of nowhere.

So the hack I think I can make work to do this in my writing is:

Sexual attraction is like aesthetic attraction, but with a hands-on component. Replace "I want to draw that" with "I want to get my hands on that" and go from there.

Romantic attraction is evidently its own beast, but it contains concepts like "I trust this person implicitly," "I care about them and want them to be happy," "I would be happy coming home to this person," "I want to protect them," "I like that they care about me," and "this person helps me see the world in a different way" which are all individual sentiments I understand, even if I personally feel them about a large number of people rather than a single Special Someone. Point them at a single Someone and have the two characters involved act accordingly, and I can probably pull a romance out of it.

Like all writing-an-alien-situation stuff, it mostly pays to identify the specific details that correlate to things you DO understand and then extrapolate from there. Or you can fake it and black-box their motivations and be like "here's where I'd put their sexual attraction to each other if I had one"

[acorpsecalledcorva]

Can you explain more about the autohypnotic theory in layman's terms (as best as you can)?

Sure thing! So it's basically like a natural ability to dissociate, to isolate certain aspects of your psyche in favour of turning off others. This has been noted in literature for over a century, that when you put someone into a hypnotic trance a dissociated part of the personality comes forward and is aware of their surroundings and has memory of the host but is separate from them and the host has no awareness or memory of them. It's been referred to as the "hidden observer". Some people don't have this ability, and of those that do, some can do it much easier than others. Supposedly everyone with DID is very good at this.

The idea in the autohypnotic model is that this ability is used as a defence mechanism in the face of adverse circumstances as an active avoidance of unpleasant experiences and that, along with a disruption in the development of the ability to integrate becomes structural dissociation. To give an analogy, it's like if you have an unpaid bill. Every week a letter arrives and each time the envelope becomes more and more aggressive and the big red letters become bigger and redder. Eventually, most people will give in and open the letter to face the consequences. If you have autohypnotic ability, however, rather than open it you decide to completely change your identity and start a new life on the other side of the world to get away from it.

So while trauma (and disorganised attachment) play crucial roles in the creation of structural dissociation, they are simply motivators to use this ability that was already there. One of the issues in the TOSD is that while trauma is highly correlated with dissociation (of the personality), dissociation (of the personality) isn't highly correlated with trauma. There must, therefore, be an inherent difference between those who develop dissociated parts in the face of extreme chronic trauma, and those who do not. Janet, the father of the ToSD thought that this was due to a weakness of the mind, and the authors of the ToSD essentially followed this line of thinking, viewing it as a threshold for a breaking point. The autohypnotic model on the other hand reframes this as an ability that is honed and utilised as an adaptive coping mechanism (that becomes maladaptive later in life).

It then devolves into semantics, because it depends how you want to define trauma. And this is where I think origin discourse is a largely fruitless endeavour, because on the one side you have the inclusive trauma model, where the idea is that if you have structural dissociation then you must have been traumatised by something for it to happen. This can be something big and scary, like CSA, physical abuse, or neglect, or it can be death by a thousand cuts where lots of little t traumas add up cumulatively to be traumatised. As is evidenced in the plural community, many many people have issue with this, not feeling like their trauma was enough or not wanting to view themselves as traumatised. There's a lot of messy personal feelings involved in these debates with both sides feeling personally hurt by the others attitudes and I very much understand both viewpoints. The important part though is that the autohypnotic model doesn't require Trauma to form structural dissociation, it is very clearly the strongest and most common motivator for it, and is absolutely a key component of the development of DID, but all that is actually required for structural dissociation is that it be strongly preferable as a coping mechanism over anything else (it's psychologically costly to use and maintain so rarely the first option). People may still view their experiences as being traumatic to cause that, but you don't have to.

To conclude, I'd like to finish with a beautiful poem written by the great Charlie Kelly of Paddy's Pub, Philadelphia.

There is a spider (Spider) Deep in my soul (soul) He’s lived here for years (years) He just won’t let go He’s laying around He’s got a mean bite Now he’s ready to fight And stand up for what he knows I don’t need your trophies or your gold I just want to tell you all Go f**k yourself Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Go f**k yourself Woooooooooooooooh Oaaaaaaaaaaaaohhh F**k yourselves I really mean to tell you motherf**kers I don’t need you in my bar Oooooooooooooooooh

Hypnosis has been successfully used to treat phobias such as arachnophobia for years. In a hypnotised state the fear response in the presence of spiders is turned off so that the brain may rationalise that they are not a threat to life and safe to be around. In DID, our emotions are the spiders, and we utilise autohypnotic abilities to escape from the danger they represent. But unlike real spiders that we can trap under a glass and put outside, these spiders are always with us, deep in our souls, forever trapped under the glass until we learn new coping skills and accept that we need to let them go.

[cattyanon]

Alright guys, time for me to try and explain stuff from my incredibly wacky dream and then try to turn it into an EXE story.

So the extreme wackiness started shortly after this weird creature was kinda forced/pressured into transforming and then attaching itself to Sonic's arms by some outside force. For story's sake, I'm just gonna have these 'arms' be an artifact that attaches itself to Sonic.

The best way I can describe the arms is that it they were long and kinda catlike. It gave him white hands, claws, and the 'cat fluff' that covered most of his arm was a dark green and looked kind of grassy.

And now we get to the powers and their weird workings and effects.

So there's two main powers he has. I'll be starting with the least wacky of the two, though do note that the order of event in which I discovered these powers is the other way around. Anyways, the first one I'll be talking about is a strange version of time control. It was strange in the way it seemed to work.

Like it was mostly an "at will" thing but then it also had weird visual effects to it, one of which is harder to describe than the other.

So one thing I noticed as I (in the perspective of Sonic) controlled time was that things seemed to become gray and sometimes even grayscale. The other thing... is much harder to explain. But I'll try my best anyways.

So it was almost like some kind of cassette tape thing where I could pause, go forth in time, and go back in time. And while it was an at will thing, I want to say that there were these orange symbols that I sometimes saw in my vision that correlated to what I was doing.

The way the time traveling worked was kinda weird too. Like I could go forth in time but when I did I couldn't be seen or interact with anything. So it was more like I'd been given the power to change the outcome of things rather than completely being able to time travel.

Now for the other power...

Do be warned that this is going to sound kind of weird at first, but hear me out: It was kind of like playing a dress-up game, except certain options did different things.

Like I remember picking something that shrunk me and made my lower half into this sci-fi orb thing I could roll around in but I was also forced into viewing myself in the third person as if I were controlling someone in a video game. Weird, I know, but I did warn ya'll that this dream was really fucking strange.

Another thing about the whole weird dress-up power was that I had this strong urge to try on different faces just to see how weird having it felt. I honestly don't remember much about how this part played out other than it was around that point I was starting to go 'crazy' but it was more like I was becoming increasingly unhinged.

Now from here the rest of the dream was me using the weird time travel powers, so I'm going to tell ya'll how I imagine it when it comes to the story.

So I have this vivid image (and a sound to go with it) of whenever Sonic changes his face and a side effect that comes with it.

Since the side effect is easier to explain, I'm going to get it out of the way first. The side effect being that when he chooses a face expression he's visibly unable to move it. Like you'll be able to hear him talk but you won't see the mouth move.

As for whenever he changes his face, theres a small visual effect you see before seeing the actual chosen face instead of the faces just instantly swapping out. The visual effect for this is a few black lines that you usually see in drawings to indicate something moving. Like there's one long line in the middle and two other progressively shorter ones on both the top and bottom of long line. I hope that makes sense??

Another I imagine is that his eyes are always orange instead of green which is in reference to the time powers.

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this wild ride and that my explanation of it made some amount of sense??

[kuuyandere]

yea... I do love my boyfie a lot sjdhdjfj. but anyways, I'll explain emo boy first as its kind of easier. while most of my playlists I was more driven compelled within to let my emotions out, this havin a clearer understandin of what I wanted to convey, emo boy was born out of my darlin explicitly tellin me he wanted a playlist as a gift. I am actually very bad and I do not remember if it was for his birthday or one of the earlier month anniversaries... whoops. so rather than already have emotions pourin out, I had to search within and find them, and to me the playlist is more like splattin guts of my feelins on the wall and just makin a complete mess out of the various feelins I've had for him. I'm also not used to the progression of darker feelins to happiness in my playlists, but I feel like that was born out of strangely reflectin both of our personalities and how they've changed from the darker times of constantly fightin, insecurities, and depression to the overwhelmin amts of love that we share now. to me, the playlist doesn't feel concrete in anythin nor a story, but rather just a concept of us. thats what makes it weird too, I feel like I included both of our dualing personalities in the playlist meshed together in some sort of weird duet of emotions rather than anything linear or only one pov. it feels like a weird dance of conflict yet harmony, and I guess thats the most poetic thing I've ever written about one of my playlists. honestly the playlist just sounds straight up high to me if that makes any sense kshdjdhf (also titled emo boy in some weird nod to bunny boy. I am the bunny boy, he's the emo boy, and he does look a lot like the character art I put for the icon of emo boy). also I might find the playlist embarassin for bein overly sweet idk what I was on when I made it. it's not a bad playlist, it's just strangely not my taste even if I like the songs individually and don't have any issues with the technical progression or anything.

as for the teddy bear one, it's much much much more linear and an almost direct correlation to part of our past. I say almost because our past was more blocked out in periods of time and the playlist blends certain parts together, but blendin is better for playlists so yea. at one point nearer the start, while yes I never said a sappy I love you, I was not subtle in my blatant obsession with him. this gets a tiny bit nsfw but nothin explicit really, but ahjdhdhf. I'd constantly harass him and drive him up the wall until he'd literally slam me against a wall or knock me over and kick me in the gut... which sounds bad, but my immediate responses was almost always shit like "you wanna fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid". I literally was provokin him until he got to that point, consistently, to the point where it was expected. I remember once kissin him when he was way too close to my face in threatenin me to get me to stop harassin him, and I could almost see his brain just rebooting as I probably made another sexual comment. Id constantly flirt with him and annoy the hell out of him, but strangely he always came back. we've actually spoke about this more recently, he found most people super boring back then... and was kind of enamoured by my just pure insanity then. I'm not proud of it but I have hilarious stories for days about the scuffles between us and my unapologetically horny ass back then. eventually we settled down and I was a little less insane and we'd do dumb shit like sit in parks and goof around, altho it was mostly me goofin and him watchin me and sometimes sayin the most blatant gay shit ever without realisin it and I shit you not puttin flowers in his hair. however, I struggled immensely with paranoia and psychosis (still sometimes do), and started viewin him as my enemy. it started to become harder and harder to tell delusion from reality, and I felt so conflicted between the almost romance lovey dovey and the evil my brain was convincin him to be, and I slowly spiraled. while we may have gotten into some verbal arguments, they were never explosive or physical like before and was clearly more him bein concerned and tryin to bring me back to reality and me growin more and more cynical. it eventually consumed me to start lashin out, but not in the playful way before that he was initially attracted to. I eventually did hurt him really badly, both emotionally and physically... and then I did actually lay down while starin at the sky at one moment after it all, just rethinkin everything, and wonderin where it all went wrong, but I guess it was never right from the start. and I hated how vunerable he made me feel when he was no longer throwin punches, but genuinely listenin, tryin to help, and never once raised his arm to hurt me ever again and would even just sit there and take whatever bullshit I was spoutin or doin. and as for the last song, well it is related to me goin on to tryin to find him again after we seperated, but also that in our final moment together then, I kind of just knew deep down I was delusional and what I was doin was wrong, but it was far too late in my mind and easier to end it then, and I did whisper to him that I'd find him again one day. my life is weird and sounds like an awful movie but here we areeee. I wouldn't reccomend my life, tbfh hskdhdhdh. again do note we never dated then. but that's also just a quick summary of our history and it's a lot more complicated than that and different ups and downs, but this playlist was a snapshot of that specific story. I decided to tell the story instead of sayin this song is xyz, because I feel like the meanin behind the songs is actually just the story, no more, no less. it was a playlist on me reflectin on how I felt in that point in my life.

this ask is so long and I apologize ysjdhdhdh. if you wanna listen to my non yan playlists, I am curious how u feel abt those, but I also understand if those playlists are outside of your interests ~🎵

That is an extremely interesting (and tumultuous) background to you and your boyfriend's relationship; I can definitely see the amount of emotion and personality you put into your playlists, especially your feelings in regards to everything that happened. I will listen to your other playlists, but I will likely not write my thoughts on them (I have a few exams this week). Thank you for trusting me enough to share your story, I imagine it is deeply personal for you and possibly guilt-inducing to talk about hurting your darling in the past.

I smiled a little when you talked about provoking him because it reminded me of my darling doing the same (although she was certainly not as bold as you were) and shutting her up by slamming her against the wall and the like (I am not exactly proud of that). I hope you were physically alright after getting thrown around though. Having paranoia and delusions fucking suck, I'm sorry you had/have to deal with that and that they messed things up for you and with him in the past. I really am happy you were able to reconcile with your darling and that you are doing better now!

[astrojoy]

Hey!

Can you tell me about juno and uranus in aquarius square jupiter in natal chart?

Thankyou!

Of course hon! However since I'm unsure if your Juno and Uranus are conjunct, I will go over each one separately 🥰 ⚜️👑

Uranus 🟥 Jupiter

Alrighty this aspect is quite interesting! So what we have here is Uranus's sudden kapows with Jupiters expected structure. I'd say this aspect can cause an overwhelming amount of unconventionality (as Jupiter advances whatever it aspects quite often), however to the point that it might interfere with others around you and their view on you. Uranus harshly aspecting Jupiter like this can cause an overreaction between the two planets! Imagine a chemists lab and the chemist mixes two liquids and suddenly an explosion! 💥 What we can also see here is if someone were to question your morals, viewpoint on life, beliefs and etc then you might be more closed off to listening to them or might suddenly feel personally hit and correcting them and explaining why you think in such a way (due the tension between the planets) As you grow up, and if you have enough money at the time, you could be the type of person to suddenly one morning wake up and be like "I want to travel to France" and so you pack your bags, schedule off work quickly, and buy a ticket to depart. There's a very impulsive vibe to this however it's not bad! The impulsiveness is due to Uranus interacting the curious Jupiter. Amazingly enough, if you run into negative people, like I'm talking hateful kinds of people towards others, people that spit on people for their style, uniqueness, lgbtq, skin color, you will be the type of person to step in and show them why they need to back off and know their place 😉💖 btw, you could be someone who is obsessed with electronics or absolutely distances themselves from them. There's really no in between normally 😂 (unless other aspects correlate ofc) this aspect has a tendency to overindulge in the quirkiness of life, getting caught up in the wonders of peace in being their own leader at times and can get pessimistic if they are forced to change their ways or to become the "follower" per say and listen to the traditional structures of society (Due to Jupiter normally being a positive, happy uplifting planet, when it's harshly aspected by Uranus, it can show how it becomes hurt if it's planet/Uranus is attacked in some way)

Juno 🟥 Jupiter

I typically see Juno as representing what our future partner is like due to personal observation however it also correlates to our ideal type! 🥳 This might show not being optimistic about marriage in general. There might be times where if you think on what your future marriage will be like then you might also say "But will it ever happen? What if they don't turn out to be that great?" Etc etc! Future spouse might have different beliefs/morals than you (but dig deeper in the Juno Persona Chart for more accuracy 💖) Future spouse might not be as open to change and quite traditional in their ways. This can show a future spouse that's possibly very different from your family, place, yourself (EX: different ethnicity, country, traditions) but they can be overlly different in these aspects which can cause friction when it comes to trying to make decisions, understand each other/coming to terms, making a solid base or even others around you and their ideas of who the Future Spouse should be. Juno squaring Jupiter can also show you finding people that don't cross your boundaries as attractive. You can find people whom are mostly different from people you're always around attractive too! However it can sometimes be to the point of ignoring the potention love interests that bore you because there's more out there that you'd rather see! Might have to travel a lot for spouse. You could like people that are more spontaneous and fun! 🥰

Please keep in mind this was my own analysis so my apologies if these don't resonate in some way. Always look towards other aspects and placements which can counteract the effects stated above! Have a wonderful day! 🥳💖🌈🫂

[brockachu]

👀 idk if you would rec said fics on main, cool if you don't want to. But would love to hear about them! - 💖

okie dokie, i got 2 asks about the 2 fics i'd read recently that had really impacted me & helped me with some emotional processing (sorry for the delay, took a bit for my brain to not be scared of the inbox) so please see below the cut

so, a warning first that i'm going to explain why these fic were so impactful to me, which will also delve into me loosely explaining some of my personal mental health issues & hang-ups. there shouldn't be anything trigger, but this is going to be Very personal. if that's uncomfortable, which i get, b/c y'all don't always need to know everything 'about the blogger', i'd suggest skimming for the links & bolded parts. also, these are spoiler free descriptions of the stories/themes.

the first fic is peace will come (no other homeland but you). it's r graves/d hamiltion, rated E, 60k. when it came out was about when my mental health started really going wild (i hit a small manic episode, which resulted in me over-consuming a lot of media + going on that insane run where i made a fancam almost every day for like 3 weeks + really got over-invested/involved in social media). it took me about 2 weeks to read, with my attention span + the fact i never really read one long fic (anything over 10k) at a time b/c i jump between fic or watching things or reading outside of fic (mainly news & op-eds, which i'm now cutting back on for my own mental health tbh; trying to get back into novels or poetry, if anyone has recs). this fic deals a lot with grief, mainly from the perspective of a character supporting someone in grief, but also touches on handling indirect/negligent trauma & learning how to care for yourself by way of allowing others to care for you. but more than the direct things intended in the plot & character development, i think what hit me with this one is the way affection is treated. affection in this story is communication, rather than a prize or a balm or a consequence. affection is treated as a fact and something that happens just because, not as a result or a drive for anything. in counterpoint to the themes of grief and trauma, i found the presence of affection really soothing but also just deeply emotionally impactful. i didn't have an affectionate upbringing & i was also bullied for significant amounts of my childhood (a lot of this ties to my ethnic & racial background, as a viet american child of refugees; i mention this only bc i know it comes up with fleeting regularity on my blog) -- in many ways, i relate a lot to ryan in this story. but also, grief has been something i've carried through a lot of my life (being the child of refugees means death has always been the unspoken companion to all my family's stories; deaths have been marking points in my life from birth and i mean that literally. i can't explain the context of my birth without several deaths being explained too). this story didn't have a lot of specifics that correlated with me, unlike my second rec, but this fic really gets to emotions in a way that i could feel and that i really needed to feel. in case it isn't obvious, i'm very much in the camp of 'sob it out' and 'let this express your feelings for you'. so, if you want a nice slow but steady story that will really let you drag out some feelings about grief & negligence & affection, i'd recommend this one a lot. also because, ultimately, the love in this story is so gentle and beautiful and touching. (side note: i read this Long before i realized i have a mini-crush on actual dougie + i have a strong sense of separation between fic-persona & hockey-persona, which i also have compartmentalized realizing that neither have Anything to do with the real ppl that players are. i get that doesn't make sense or work for everyone, but i thought it would be worth noting.)

and the second fic is: Who Are We to Blame Ourselves for Moving On (To Become Someone). it's currently incomplete, but marked for one more chapter until completion; j eichel/c mcdavid, rated E, 145k. i started reading this one maybe a couple days after i had finished peace will come, which was me inadvertently choosing to roundhouse kick myself with emotional processing in the face for like a solid month. while it's over twice as long as peace will come, it took me roughly the same amount of time, give a couple days, to finish to where it is now. at the time i started it was when my seasonal depression flipped into a downswing and i started pulling back on 'productivity' w/ making things (fancams, edits, sewing projects, baking, cooking, etc). i'm guessing that my reading pace was a little faster because i couldn't get my brain to do anything else anyway. but also, it just hooked me. from the outside, this fic is a pretty standard fake dating premise that just seems kinda goofy and fun. and i love a fake dating fic. and i lowkey really love the mceichel narrative (surprise surprise the bleed through from my actual unfortunate affection for jack ultimate bitch eichel). this one surprises you, or at least it surprised me. it deals explicitly with coming out and the ways it's a process and continuous and never the same, even experiencing as one person, much less sharing it with someone else; tho it's not about mceichel coming out to the public. it's about coming out on a very personal level, which is really, really relateable. but in handling the extremely nebulous landmine topic of coming out, it also weaves in & juggles themes of personal identity (how can an identity be freeing, how can it be heavy, how do you end up trapping yourself in it, how do you let yourself out) and having a sense of responsibility much larger than yourself. so the thing about me is that i grew up as 'the perfect eldest daughter/child' -- i am the most fluent in viet out of all my siblings, ergo my job has always been to be communicator & interpreter between my parents & my siblings. (it's not that my parents don't/can't speak english. it's that they aren't confident in it and code switch constantly. also even when they are speaking only english, they still have always asked me to carry the message on to my siblings in a palatable/understanding manner. and because i've done it my whole life, before i even realized that was what i was doing, i never learned to say no. so my parents have never learned to communicate effectively with my siblings & my siblings have never learned how to communicate effectively with my parents.) i make sure that everyone knows 'what's going on', whether that's event planning or news or anything else. i was also a 'gifted kid' -- made straight a's all through grade school, went to a prep high school with full scholarship, first kid on both maternal & paternal sides to go to a 4-year private university out of state also with scholarship, was wait-listed for duke & accepted to notre dame (i went to another school that some old followers will know but that i no longer mention for privacy, esp on my hockey blog b/c that relates to how i'm like 1-2 degrees separated from the nhl), won writing prizes, etc etc. if any of y'all have watched the disney film encanto, up until age 20 i was basically isabela -- i was Perfect, i was Everything my parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles/peers/teachers/advisors/bosses/Everyone wanted me to be. and i hated myself, deeply (sometimes, i still do, but i'm aware of it and working on it, always). and eventually i hit such extreme burnout that one of my academic advisors basically had to force me to go on medical leave. y'all may wonder why i went on this tangent about myself -- it's because this fic Hit Me in Every Single One of These Little Spots. the way it hits these beats are not the same as my experiences, but the similarity is there in a way that made it impossible for me not to take multiple sob breaks while reading, especially in the second chapter (ie the more eichs-centric chapter).

like, look, i would almost never recommend an unfinished fic. i also would never bookmark an unfinished fic. except, for this one i am recommending it and for this one i have already bookmarked it. and even if it Never gets completed, i imagine i'll re-read it at least a couple times a year, because it has let me feel a lot of things that i thought i had long come to terms with or at least could pack away, but that i apparently still need re-processing from time to time. also, finishing it got me to kickstart making some tough decisions in my life. idk if i'll ever go into detail about that on here, but that's an aside. so, if you are ready to kick your own repression's ass and okay with maybe ugly crying about it multiple times, i really recommend who are we to blame ourselves for moving on.

okay, so that's my long rambling done. if y'all ever wanna ask more about fic, i'm actually cool with getting asks or even dm's, but i'm not super active the community. who knows, tho, i could end up being semi-involved again. i actually did used to write somewhat regularly. my ao3 is here (all my bookmarks are private ftr, just b/c i prefer it that way).