#Tumblr needs to give me a function to put asks on unread or some shit

[zuppizup]

for soon mates hypothetical baby- i dunno wether it’d be funnier if Ethari was a nervous wreck when rayla went into labour vs if Runaan tried to be level headed but almost gives himself a panic attack

I think Runaan would have them driven absolutely barmy with "advice". Like, he'd definitely be the one sending articles to the family chat about new science in pregnant care/infant health, etc.

Which would stress Rayla out so Callum has a chat to Ethari about it and Ethari gets Runaan to cut down on forwarding this stuff but then Ethari has to deal with hearing about it and he's going out of his mind.

So then Callum hits upon the idea of getting Runaan to read through the instruction manuals for all the various baby items they want to purchase. They get him to weigh up pros and cons and recommend what he thinks is the best.

Which:

Gives Runaan something "useful" to do

More importantly, gives everyone else a break.

As to the whole labour situation, well, I have some ideas as to how all that might go down in this hypothetical situation that will never, ever be written.

[kleinsensongbash]

Can’t Sleep Love by Pentatonix

Written by Lissy (well-of-night on tumblr) in collaboration with the lovely Ashley (smashleyed on tumblr). This work wouldn’t be possible without you beta-ing me, thank you so much! xoxo 

Tell me, am I going crazy? I have gone absolutely bat-shit insane. I thought this brand of crazy could only found in one Mr. Probably-A-School-Shooter Connor Murphy, but nope! I’ve literally never been this wrong in my entire life. It all started, as most things do for me, as a joke.  I had stupidly decided to drag Evan to a small party a friend of a friend of an acquaintance of Alana’s was having. It would satisfy Heidi’s desire for Evan to go out more, and Evan would keep me sane until I found some booze. It was a win-win for everyone, you know? Well. Except Evan. The poor dude gravitated to the first empty seat he could find as soon as we got there, and I don’t really think I saw him for most of the party, which was fine, I guess.  So I was sitting in this circle of idiots who have fun with party games, especially drinking games. Booze should be fun, and I always start the games, so I’m kind of the captain of these idiots, even if they don’t accept me as their amazing leader because they barely know who I am when they’re sober. Which is fine. Drunk party  friends and regular sober friends shouldn’t ever mingle anyway.   We were playing truth or dare. If you were too coward to fess up or do your dare, you drank. If you did your dare or told your truth, your challenger drank. I was pretty smashed, so everything I said and did was pure stupidity. But then again, when is it not, right? It fell upon Zoe Murphy to challenge someone, and she naturally picks me, the awesome team leader who hadn’t been picked at all yet.  But Jared, you may be asking, how were you drunk if no one had picked you to challenge or anything? Well, I had made up my own side drinking game. Basically, whenever I felt too sober, I took a shot. That did the trick pretty well.  So Zoe picks me and she puts up an offer that I couldn’t refuse, sober or drunk.  “I’ll give you a truth and a dare. If you can do both, I’ll drink and give you a twenty.” she said, her eyes sparkling with something I’d call devilish delight. I didn’t even think twice. Hell, I didn’t think once. I accepted gleefully, not even considering that maybe she had a plan or something.  “Truth or dare,” she prompted, and I very stupidly but very proudly said truth. She grinned at this, as if she anticipated my answer. The Murphys are fucking weird, I’m just saying, so maybe she did know what I’d pick first.  “Would you date Evan Hansen?” she asked. Now that I look back on it, she was pretty drunk too, and the circle had been conspiring for a while without me really giving it much thought. So this was a group effort. Not just a Zoe Murphy thing. Probably. A shitty group thing to do, really, since it’s got me re-evaluating my entire fucking life.  It was at this point I kind of gave Evan a glance. He was cowering in a corner, except he was on a sofa that was nowhere near the corner of the room. He was doing something on his shitty off-brand phone, probably playing SNAKE, knowing his social life.  Now. anyone with a brain could probably tell that hell yes, I would. Anyone with a brain could tell you I adored Evan. Maybe it was because of how  I totally zone out while he’s talking about trees and try to draw constellations on his faces using only his freckles and my mind, and my face maybe looks a little dumb while I do it.  A smart person would be able to identify that I was super into Evan Hansen, what with my insisting on hanging out with him and asking him about trees just to get him going, or how I say stupid shit just to get him all red in the face…  Any smart person with even something akin to one brain cell would know I was super gay for Evan and that my gay ass just didn’t notice it. And, well, I think we all know by now, I am not the smartest in the bunch.  My drunken self, however, did not go on to reevaluate his entire existence until he was sober, which is right now. No,no, drunk me grinned. Drunk me beamed and slurred, “yeah, I guess, he’s pretty cute.”  Zoe Murphy grinned, and it was almost like watching Satan himself smile up at me. “Now, I dare you to go tell him that.”  And me, being the stupid broke ass I am, stumbled to get up, and waltzed over to Evan.  Now, this part of the night is a little tricky. It was shortly after this that shit gets blackout drunk kinds of foggy. But I remember asking Evan how he was, and he stuttered back a very uncomfortable lie about how he was good and what not. The only thing I remember clearly is his reaction. I don’t know how I worded it, or if I even said it, but all I remember is Evan turning bright red. His eyes wide and his mouth agape, ready to say something that he’d never say. Or maybe he did say.  And all I remember thinking before shit got foggy was how fucking adorable he looked all stunned and red-faced like that.  Now, a week ago, if you had told me I would be realizing how deep I was in this, this gay-for-Evan-Hansen-hole, I would’ve called you crazy. I would’ve said, “fuck you, man, I’m a gay asshole but not like that!” or something dumb. I mean, I’m gay as fuck. I own fourteen different kinds of pride flags, for fuck’s sake.  But I just got over a hangover and the first thing I fucking realized after that migraine went away and I could actually function again was something I’d never picture myself thinking or saying or even feeling.  I’m gay for Evan. 

Am I just afraid of loving? Okay, so after that weird gay revelation, I’ve been, like, avoiding Evan. It’s super shitty of me, but fuck! What am I supposed to do? Just prance around, hanging out with Evan like I hadn’t called him cute  while smashed at a crappy teen kegger  and holding myself back from telling him how nice he looks in blue, the color he wears basically every day? Fuck that.  I’m basically running from my gay thoughts, and I’m already winded as fuck. I’m no athlete, believe me, and somehow even metaphorical exercise is tiring. Note to self: do something about that.   It’s been like a week-ish since the party, and I haven’t talked to Evan “Ecosexual” Hansen since. Ecosexuals are apparently people attracted to trees, I saw an article about it. Almost sent it to Evan, just for shits and giggles. But then I remembered that would be a shitty thing to do after a week of not talking to him.  I have about 117 unread messages from Evan– oh shit, scratch that. As of not even five seconds ago, I’ve got 118 unread messages from Evan. He hasn’t stopped texting me since the party. I’ve seen the little previews, it’s all “Are you okay, Jared?” “What did I do, Jared?” “Please text me back I’m worried, Jared.” This is actually hell. But, honestly? What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to chase him off with all my gay shit, even though he knows I’m gay. But you try telling a straight guy you’re gay for him! He’ll probably tell me to fuck off or something, in the way only Evan could: kind of polite and super terrified, and that’s the last thing I want. Because, you know, I still want to be his friend and all. I give him shit but I like having him around, you know? Telling him I like him would be a lose-lose situation anyway.  Maybe I just need to cool off some more. Maybe in another week, I can pretend I don’t think Evan’s laugh makes me want to a punch a wall so I can feel something besides butterflies in my stomach because fuck his laugh is the cutest thing and… where was I going with that?  Oh yeah.  If I pretend hard enough, maybe we can hang out again. I’ll shove my shit so far into the closet, it’ll be having tea with Mr. Tumnus in Narnia. Because I can’t like Evan like that, he’s my friend, my family friend to make matters worse! That shit’s off limits, it’s like trying to date your cousin, and I’m way too up north to even be thinking about that shit.  Whoops. There goes messages number 119 and 120. I really should text back, he might have a fucking panic attack by the time he reaches 150, if he hasn’t already. Maybe I can just tone it down with the whole liking him thing, it can’t be that hard. It’s not like he’ll figure out I wasn’t joking, because that’s me! Always joking! My initials are literally JK, just kidding,  I mean… I can play it off as a joke. I have to because the alternative is telling him and I don’t think I can handle that rejection. I have to play it off as a drunken joke. I’ve just gotta be insanely cool about it. Just… chill out and pretend I’m not into him like that. I’m gonna text him back now, something like “yeah, dude, I’m okay, didn’t see your messages, all 120 of them! Haha weird right?” Well, maybe not that last bit. I’ll make up some bullshit excuse like “Oh, my phone was on silent”  and play it so cool. So very cool.  I think I can do this. 

Keeps me up all night I can’t fucking do this. I thought it’d be super easy to just pretend, just like I do with all the other shit in my life, but nope! Not happening! Fuck! My little “fake it till I make it significantly less gay” plan lasted not even a week. It was going good, you know? I was hanging out with Evan at school, we talked like normal, whatever. And then on Thursday, he asked if he could sleep over Friday. He was all stuttery and red and wouldn’t stop messing with his shirt, so I said “sure, why not, I’ve got nothing to do.” Which was a lie because I’ve got so much fucking homework but… I mean, Evan almost never asked to hang out! This was such a rare thing, I had to jump on it. I wish “it” meant his dick, but alas. BAD JOKE, I KNOW, NOT AT ALL HELPFUL TO IGNORING MY GAY SHIT, MOVING ON.  So for the rest of that day, I was super stressed. I even cleaned my room that night, and I unearthed my Wii so we could play some Mario Kart and I even found my SD card with Project M on it (the superior of all the Smash games, and it isn’t even really Nintendo!). I went to bed at like 9, which is… pretty fucking early on my standards, especially on a school night. What can I say? I just wanted it to be Friday already. I swear to fuck, I walked into school and all I remember is Evan. Walking to class with Evan, Evan talking about some tree or something, Evan asking me if he could just come right to my house with me… I was super zoned the fuck out. I don’t know if it was because I actually got sleep for once, or because my brain thought: Hey, you know how to make the sleepover come faster? Space the fuck out! It’s foolproof!  (I’m writing this on my school computer so if I get fucking blocked for writing about an idiot’s gay crush on a guy who likes trees more than he probably likes his “family friend”, I’m suing) The school day ended as quickly as it started, and I walked out of class and pretty much crashed into Evan. Which is fucking weird, because he was supposed to be on the other side of the school and the bell had just rung. Not even he was that fast a walker. But whatever, he was there. He probably got out of class early or some shit, who knows how, it’s not like he had the balls to ask a teacher to let him go to the bathroom, let alone leave class early. Anyway. We walked together to my car, and at some point between my class and the main exit, Evan had latched onto me, his hands grasping lamely at my sleeve, and it’s not that I minded it at all, because he was probably just grounding himself or some weird Evan shit, but I kind of needed to get my keys and he was just preventing that from happening. I said something like “Can I get my arm back?” in my playful, not-trying-to-be-an-asshole way, and he dropped my arm like it was fucking on fire. He stuttered out an apology as I got out my keys, typical Evan shit.  I let him know it was okay, with a “whatever” or a “it’s cool”. This shit happened like 12 hours ago, so excuse my lame ass for not having word for word accounts of what went down. We got to my house, I offered him something to eat, same old routine as always. He rejected my offering of food, I urged him to fucking eat something, he eventually did. We ate Totino’s pizza rolls because I’m a fucking sellout.  And then we went up to my room, and I shit you not, all we did was play video games. For fucking 10 hours. Well, that’s bullshit. We sat around and talked too, when Evan was complaining about his hands cramping up from playing. He told me he was happy we were hanging out like this, I agreed. I asked him how therapy was going, and he mumbled an “okay I guess”.  I didn’t even realize it was Saturday until Evan fell asleep. He had gotten tired of playing, and we were just sitting on my bed, so I was playing on my computer and he was watching. And then I felt his weight kinda shift and his head? Was on my fucking shoulder. Like. Fuck.  I kept playing, though! What else was I gonna do? Tell him “hey bro get your head off my shoulder it’s giving me a case of the Gays”? No! And then I heard him snoring. It wasn’t any of that bullshit loud snoring, but this soft, barely audible snoring? That’s when I got the sense to check the time. It was fucking 2am. No wonder he passed out! He was like an old lady, he always slept at 10 or some shit. And he didn’t even say anything!  So. We arrive at the present. In which I am too scared to move because I might wake him up. he’s really warm. I’m so tired, but I can’t go to sleep because I’d have to get up and put my laptop away and then get comfortable and that’d probably wake his ass up. plus, he looks so peaceful   I’m not sleeping tonight, am I? Oh well, whatever. It’s worth it as long as he sleeps well. What the fuck is my problem, oh my God. I can accept being super gay for Evan, but c’mon. I gotta draw the line at “giving more of a shit about his sleep than mine”. I deserve sleep too.  But maybe just for tonight… I’ll pull a fucking all nighter. Just for tonight, and just because Evan passed out on me. This is a one-time thing. He will not keep me up all night every night! Jared Kleinman deserves his fucking sleep! 

I can’t do it anymore Dear Evan Hansen, Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why. You woke up with Jared next to you. Not in a creepy weird way, but… you fell asleep on him? And he passed out and fell back and you went along with him so you kind of were cuddling and it- It felt really nice.  I came to terms with how I felt about Jared a long time ago, but never wanted to act on it. But I was too obvious, people noticed, people like Zoe noticed. Then the party happened.  I didn’t want to go, but Jared almost begged me to go and I just ended up  tagged along. But then he got hammered. I’ve never been a fan of alcohol? It messes with the medication and all, so it’s something I steer clear of. Jared was off playing some dumb drinking game, ignoring me, and I was plotting an escape, estimating how long it would take me to walk home. And then Jared stood up from his game and stumbled over to the sofa where I had been sitting. “Hey, Evan,” he slurred, and the smell of his gross booze breath made me gag.”How you doin?” I shifted a bit in my seat, because the correct answer was awful, I only came to hang out with you and instead I’m hanging out with the sofa in a house full of drunk people who probably hate me why am I even here Jared? So, instead, I managed a “I’m doing okay. And you?” He grinned.  “M good… okay, so, Zoe wants me to tell you that I think… you’re really cute an’.. I’d totally date you.” It suddenly felt like 20 degrees hotter, my hands got all clammy and my face heated up. “Jared, you’re drunk,” I said, and he just laughed. “Hi, drunk, I’m gay,” he responded, which made zero sense, but- This was the problem, being around Jared. I can never tell what’s serious and what’s a joke and it is just so upsetting because maybe he’s kidding when he insists we’re just family friends but what’re the odds of that, you know? I never had the best luck with people, not even Jared. He’s something else, I think. Deep down, he’s not the worst, but…it’s hard to tell when he’s joking or not.  After the party, he kind of avoided me? I got a little… worried. I couldn’t stop texting him. I thought, at the time, maybe I did something wrong. Maybe he was hurt and, and it was freaking me out. He did eventually answer me, and we went back to normal but not really. I caught him staring at me a lot, which wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been staring at him first. I have no idea what that’s even about. My therapist suggested I hang out with Jared, so I kind of invited myself over. And now I’m just.. in his room. He’s making breakfast, I think I hear him humming and everything. I have never thought I could read Jared that well, he’s kind of unpredictable. And mean. And sneaky. And he has weird eyes, but not bad weird? Definitely a good weird. And he has the cutest bedhead. I.. don’t remember where I was going with that.  I’ll finish writing this later. Or maybe I’ll just rewrite this completely, because no way am I giving Dr. Sherman a letter of me confessing to myself that I’m in love with Jared. Not because liking Jared is bad, I just!! I don’t want Sherman to know? He’ll never let go of it. Ever. He’ll draw some wacko conclusion that I’m anxious because I’m confused or confused because I’m anxious or something that isn’t even true.  I’m a senior with anxiety, too many facts about trees, and a huge crush on the closest thing to a friend I have. He’ll think I’m insane, or demented, or something awful. He’ll tell my mom and Jared’ll find out and I’ll  just never ever hear the end of it.  Jared’s calling me to eat. I think he made pancakes. He’s… so adorable.  Sincerely, Me. 

The kind I dream about all day Holy shit. Holy shit. Okay, so, Evan stayed over, slept on my bed, I made him breakfast, everything was all fine and dandy. I was cleaning up my room, putting shit away, when I found Evan’s laptop. Like. His actual laptop. I didn’t even fucking know he brought it, I was so confused. And then I fucking opened it.  Evan has to write these letters to himself, it’s some therapy thing to help with his anxiety. And he had one open! I wasn’t going to read it, you know, it’s a private thing but then I saw my name and, well, I couldn’t fucking control myself. By the time I had processed it was about me, I had already read like a paragraph and a half.  My brain just fucking fried after reading I came to terms about I felt about Jared a long time ago. Like.. the first little part of his letter made that seem like it had a great connotation to it, you know? A good kind of feeling about me? Right?  So why the fuck am I freaking out that it’s something bad? I don’t have the balls to keep reading; it’s his therapy shit, I can’t just fucking read it! Besides, it’s about the party or some shit. I was there, I don’t need a recap! I really do not have any reason to keep reading Evan’s stupid sex letter to himself. No reason at all. Okay, I just read the whole fucking thing and HOLY SHIT. Evan has a crush on “the closest thing he has to a friend”. Which, based on the second gayest paragraph I’ve ever read (the first gayest was clearly written by me, somewhere in this shit), means me. Like. Me. Jared Kleinman.  Evan Hansen has a crush on Jared Kleinman. Like. That’s me. It’s not like he has other friends, I mean, I’d know. Plus, the aforementioned second gayest paragraph seals the fucking deal. (Note to self: stop brushing your hair because Evan Fucking Hansen finds your bedhead cute) The real question now is what the fuck do I do with this information?  I know Evan likes me, and that I like Evan. Evan probably suspects I like him? He can’t be that dense. Then again, I’m probably that dense. How didn’t I notice he liked me? He isn’t that secretive about shit, after all. Did the entire fucking world know except me? According to Evan, the answer to that is a huge fucking yes with a capital Y-E-S. Clearly, I have to return his laptop, right? That’s a valid excuse to talk to him. Just start with the laptop and somehow transition to “I heard you have a super gay crush on me, don’t ask who told me, I also have a huge gay crush on you, let’s be mega gays together.” Real classy. I’m sure that won’t give him a giant panic attack that’ll end up with him breathing into a paper bag.  I’ll just text him. That works, I’ll just send him a little message, it’ll be fine. There, sent. U left ur laptop lol That’s casual! And very me. Probably won’t end in the fucking paper bag. So that’s taken care of. Fuck, I should pack up his laptop in something. Maybe he left his laptop bag too?  Update: he did. I packed everything up and put it in a corner. I’m just gonna walk over to his house, hand over his computer and pretend I don’t know he likes me. He likes me. Evan Hansen likes me. I don’t think I’m ever getting over that? Knowing me, I’ll bring it up. I can’t not bring it up! How do you keep that shit under wraps?! When your crush likes you, you don’t just sit on that, right? You gotta tell them. I have to tell him. Fuck, I have to tell him. I think I’ve come full circle, how do I tell him? I’ll just.. sit him down. Tell him I like someone and that person is him, and is he okay with that? I’ll talk quick because otherwise he’ll think I’m talking about someone else, but it’s him. It’s always been him. I’m gonna go return his laptop. Fuck. Wish me luck? I really hope I don’t fuck this up. 

Can’t sleep love Dear Evan Hansen,  Today’s going to be a killer day and here’s why. Tomorrow is our six-month anniversary! Hell yeah! Exciting, right? I can’t fucking believe it’s only been six months. Feels like forever, doesn’t it? Wayy longer than that, but I kept track. I counted and everything. Six months ago, I showed up to your house with a laptop and told you I liked you. It… fucking took you a while to realize I wasn’t joking. After we cleared that shit up… well. Six months ago, we made out sooo fucking much. Maybe we can do that again sometime? Just saying.  (insert :smirk: here) I literally am staying up writing this, because surprise, I forgot I wanted to do this before now. It’s almost midnight, I’m hoping to finish as soon as it’s our anniversary, and let you find it. Because I’m hilarious. As I’m writing this, you’re asleep and clinging to me. Like… it’s making writing very hard. Remind me to just be a super sappy asshole next time you’re doing homework with me anywhere around, as payback.  Sometimes, I think long and hard about what the fuck I did to deserve you. I don’t think I have an answer yet, but you make me feel like I should. You make me feel so great, like I am worth attention and shit. I fucking love you for it, and I really hope I do the same for you. I almost hate myself less with you. Granted, it’s hard to stop hating me, so it’s a work in progress. Where was I going with that? Anyway. I don’t know how you write these things, even to yourself. It’s so difficult. I keep erasing things because once I write them, you know, maybe I can’t take them back. I could just delete this whole thing, but, there’s a point to this. Evan, I love you. Even if I don’t express it in the best way (in my defense, memes are a good way to express how I feel about you), it’s the truth. I love texting you first thing in the morning and going to the park with you (even if bugs seem to love me way too much) and all that good shit. I love falling asleep with you on the sofa and cuddling and making you get up and go to bed because the sofa is so uncomfortable?? How do you fall asleep on that?? Is it because I’m a kick-ass pillow??  I just love everything about you and I really fucking hope we have more anniversaries to come. But also, if you show anyone this letter, I’m dumping you for Connor Murphy, don’t fucking test me. I have never had a crush on him like someone thought, but I’ll get that weed-head to fall for me so hard, you won’t even know. All joking aside, though, happy anniversary and I love you.  Sincerely, Me (your boyfriend. Jared Kleinman. That’s me. Still not over that.) P.S. Take these memes: http://tinyurl.com/evans-meme  http://tinyurl.com/insert-gay-shit-here  http://tinyurl.com/evan-meme-1  Happy anniversary (again) and… I love you.