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gb-fics · 4 years

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A Dog’s Life

Fanfiction:

Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)

Note: This fic is for the song “Inu ja aru mai shi” and that one gave me a real headache. The tone is quite serious for a change and there is a big warning! for this one, because it’s explicit and, uhm, a little harder. Of course, it’s all completely consensual, but the overall “animal” theme was too inviting to not get a bit rough ^-^

“So, is that offer still standing?”, Shou wanted to know and reached out to touch the back of Yutaka’s hand lightly, as the van pulled up in front of his apartment building.

Shou had lowered his voice, although both Kenji and Jun knew what was going on between him and Yutaka since the very beginning. Even the staff members had figured their part, dropping them off together often enough. Still, Shou considered it to be basic decency to not trumpet their evening plans in front of everyone.

Yutaka pulled back his hand from Shou’s touch.

“I offered to go out for dinner”, Yutaka pointed out rather flatly.

“Yeah, but when you said dinner …” Shou’s voice trailed off.

Yutaka threw him a quick side glance. His hair had gotten a little out of shape, since he had pushed it back from his face violently once the recording was done. He squinted his eyes slightly.

“Fine”, he agreed after a moment’s hesitation.

Shou tried not to look too eager as he got out of the van behind Yutaka and waved his goodbyes quickly. There was something about long working days, that made him even more excited to finally get home and well, treat himself a little. He tried to keep his mind on other things, but he felt slightly aroused already anyway, just because he knew what was going to happen as soon as they entered the apartment.

“We could still go for dinner”, Yutaka pointed out as the white van drove off and he fumbled for his keys to let them into the building. They usually met at Yutaka’s place. Shou preferred it, if he was the one to leave afterwards. “There is a new sushi place around here. I was meaning to try it.”

“It’s fine”, Shou said, gesturing for Yutaka to open the front door, who was still waiting for Shou to change his mind. “I will eat when I get home.”

“Wow”, Yutaka said and pulled on the door to hold it open for Shou. “You can’t wait to get away and we didn’t even get started yet. That’s a new record.”

Shou shrugged uncomfortable.

He was aware that he was hurting Yutaka with his coldness, but he didn’t know how else to keep him at bay. He was bothered by Yutaka’s constant tries to get closer to him. It was, as if Yutaka couldn’t see at all, that it would be best for both of them to keep an emotional distance – for safety reasons.

“I don’t know why you are causing such a fuss”, Shou muttered, while climbing the stairs to Yutaka’s apartment on the first floor. “Doing this is good for both of us. It’s stress relief, satisfying a physical need. Don’t ruin it.”

Yutaka sighed and fumbled with his keys again.

“I’m not saying we should stop having sex”, he said. “I’m just saying it would be nice to have dinner sometime as well. Or watch a movie together or something.”

Shou knew why he was saying that. Because that was what humans did. After several years, after kissing and touching, after being friends for so long – there should be more. Humans formed complicated bonds with each other, that weren’t just about spending time together. It was about taking on responsibility, about things that should be said and things that needed to stay unspoken not to hurt each other unintentionally.

If Shou went for dinner with Yutaka, it wouldn’t just be dinner. It would mean that Yutaka expected Shou to text him regularly, it would mean Shou wasn’t allowed to see other people anymore. And those were just the simple things. There were more complicated issues. Sometimes, Yutaka might expect him to hold his hand and other times he would expect Shou to give him space. He would expect Shou to notice when he had a bad day without saying anything and Shou would have to comfort him without knowing how.

It was how relationships worked, but Shou had never gotten quite used to getting close to other humans. He never knew when was the right time to speak up and when he was expected to stay silent. He couldn’t tell when he was supposed to be gentle with someone and when to keep his distance. He was bad at getting people to like him, because every little gesture had him overthinking until he didn’t know how to act anymore at all.

At times, Shou wished he was born a dog or a monkey. Life seemed easier that way. Other dogs and other monkeys wouldn’t expect him to follow complicated rules or want him to say the right things at the right moment. He would be allowed to follow his instincts freely, without constantly being afraid of hurting someone.

With Yutaka especially, Shou wanted to follow his instincts. Because if it was about love, it was too complicated for him and he would end up hurting both of them, if he tried. With Yutaka especially, Shou did not want to be human.

“We hang out at work all the time already”, Shou said harshly. “We should just try to have some fun, instead of wearing each other out with our constant presence.”

Yutaka unlocked the front door to his apartment and stepped inside. Shou followed him.

“I actually like spending time with you”, Yutaka said.

“I like having sex with you”, Shou said and shut the door behind himself.

He stripped off his shoes and got out of his jacket.

“I just don’t like the way we do it”, Yutaka said. “On tour or after shootings or broadcasts and then you leave. It feels like it’s part of work for you.”

And that was, what Shou dreaded about humans. They had to make everything complicated. Even if they were not dating, their relationship was difficult and tied in with expectations and hurt. Shou wished he could go back to the days before he turned twelve, when he still hadn’t seen the mechanism through. He had been happier before realizing he was constantly failing to meet someone’s expectations in him.

“After work is when I need the relief the most”, he said coldly. “On my free days, I’m fine with just porn.”

“Really flattering”, Yutaka muttered.

He was getting more and more reluctant about their whole affair recently. Shou felt like Yutaka was still blaming him for his last breakup. Shou was to blame, partly. He shouldn’t have come on to Yutaka, while he was in a relationship. It was a rule they had always followed so far. But he had felt so lonely and it had been Yutaka’s decision to pick Shou over his girlfriend. Now, he was pinning his poor choice on Shou, because he felt like he wasn’t receiving enough in return for the sacrifice he had made. Shou had never made any promises, but he still felt guilty for not keeping them.

“Let’s not fight”, Shou said gentler. “It wasn’t meant as an insult. But after a stressful day, you are the only thing that helps me relax. You are the only one who really knows what I like.”

It always came a little surprising to Shou to acknowledge that it was true. Yutaka was the only person, who really understood what Shou wanted and needed from him sexually. Because, in a way, Yutaka was the only sex partner, he had ever opened up to.

It had started with a kiss somewhere in their mid-twenties and Yutaka’s promise that it would help him relax, back when Shou’s experience with sex was pretty poor to begin with. Back then, their relationship had been both greedy and hesitant. It was Shou, who had ended it the first time around. Even after it had ended with the girl, whom he had called it off for, there had been a long pause. First, Yutaka had been in a relationship and then he hadn’t been, but it still seemed as if they wouldn’t pick their fooling around back up. Until Shou had crawled into the hotel bed next to Yutaka naked one night and kissed him as if it had never ended. From then on, it had been a constant on-and-off. Breaks of months, when one of them were seeing someone, or interruptions of weeks that neither of them could really explain. But they had always fallen back onto each other as if it was inevitable and over time, Shou had become bolder and given in to his curiosity. It was Yutaka, who had helped him figure out what he really liked in bed, because after all those years, Shou had no longer been scared to ask. He had never dared to confess his preferences to any of his girlfriends. That side of him belonged only to Yutaka, because it was Yutaka, who had helped him discover it in the first place.

“You know I feel bad, treating you that way”, Yutaka said softly.

Shou knew indeed that Yutaka would have preferred for things to go differently between them. He wanted to go for dinner with Shou and he wanted to be tender with him, for the same reason he had left his girlfriend, the moment Shou asked him to.

“But it’s what I want”, Shou replied, just as quietly.

Sometimes, he felt ashamed for it, but he tried not to be. Shame was a very human emotion. Because shame was evoked, if you didn’t stick to society’s norms and values. It was part of the reason why Shou didn’t want to fit in with humanity. All those norms were suffocating him.

Yutaka met his eyes for a moment and it was so painful, that Shou almost turned his head away.

Maybe he was less than an animal. Dogs were smart, monkeys were brave. But Shou couldn’t find a way to stop hurting Yutaka that didn’t make him feel scared. On Yutaka’s face, he saw so many conflicting emotions, pain, desire, anger, even joy. When he looked at Shou, Shou saw all the things which Yutaka wanted him to be, which he hoped him to be, which he feared him to be. Interacting with humans was difficult. A relationship was never just one thing, but a tight-up web of all its possibilities.

It was Yutaka, who looked away first.

He lowered his gaze and took a step towards Shou, who was still standing in the entrance corridor.

Shou’s stomach clenched with excitement. He despised himself a little for how much he wanted it.

Without warning Yutaka grabbed him by the shoulders and drove him back against the front door. Shou hissed sharply as his back collided with the door, a sudden pain jolting through his shoulder blades.

Yutaka didn’t let go of his shoulders, but held him in place as he leaned in and kissed Shou on the lips hard.

Shou loved the way Yutaka kissed him. Most of the time, it was hard and forceful, but sometimes, it was surprisingly gentle, too. Somehow, Yutaka always seemed to guess exactly what it was that Shou needed. Today, his kiss was greedy.

Shou parted his lips, allowing his body to grow weak and letting Yutaka take control. His arms were dangling down by his side. He would have loved to touch Yutaka, to slide his hand under his shirt or to run his fingers through his hair, but he knew that he wasn’t allowed to. It was part of the game to let Yutaka decide just how much Shou could touch him.

Yutaka broke the kiss, running his hand down Shou’s side. He knew that he didn’t need to use physical force to make Shou stand still. They had agreed on this a long time ago. It was Yutaka’s duty to give orders and Shou’s duty to follow them. If he was quite honest with himself, Yutaka seemed to struggle more with fulfilling his part.

His hand reached Shou’s crotch now. His fingers ran across the fabric of his jeans so lightly, Shou could hardly sense the touch.

“Hm, already hard”, Yutaka observed and Shou felt his cheeks heating up.

After all this time, he still felt embarrassed about how excited he got, as soon as Yutaka took over being in charge. It wasn’t like he needed this kind of treatment. He got pretty excited without it, too. He had never asked any of his ex-girlfriends to boss him around and he had led more or less fulfilling sexual relationships with all of them. Even with Yutaka, it was usually a lot tamer while they were touring and the fans kept him distracted and happy. But there was something about long working hours and wondering, if they were even heading into the right direction with their new projects and a constant pressure to make the right decision for everyone, that caused Shou to crave total submission at the end of the day. After being tense for so long, entrusting himself into Yutaka’s care was the most arousing thing he could imagine.

Yutaka leaned back a little and smirked at him. There was something wicked about his smile, that always showed whenever Shou got embarrassed, as if Yutaka was pleased with his reaction. It had taken Shou years to figure out why exactly that smile turned him on so much.

Reaching down Yutaka closed his hand around Shou’s wrist firmly and stepped back, pulling Shou with him by the arm rather violently. Shou nearly stumbled, trying to keep up with Yutaka, as he dragged him towards the bedroom. The way from the front door right into Yutaka’s bedroom was the one that Shou knew best in this apartment.

Only there did Yutaka let go of him and Shou rubbed his wrist, that felt sore from Yutaka’s tight grip.

Yutaka ignored the reproachful gesture completely and reached down to unbutton Shou’s jeans. Shou felt his heartbeat picking up pace. He liked it, when Yutaka gave him the silent treatment. He liked not knowing what was going to happen next.

Usually, Shou planned everything through. The tour, the release dates, hell, he preferred to have a time table for making his breakfast. It made him feel safe to be able to plan ahead. If there was an uncertainty in his schedule, it filled him with dread and his skin started to feel uncomfortable hot and his throat seemed to tighten and he needed to remind himself to breathe.

And with Yutaka, it was similar. Even now, not knowing what would happen next made Shou slightly anxious. He could feel his body reacting by growing itchy and nervous, but having to fight down the panic made him excited, too, because he knew that he could trust Yutaka. With him around, pushing his own comfort boundaries wasn’t that scary, because Shou knew that Yutaka would put Shou’s wellbeing above everything else.

Instead of pulling down his pants, Yutaka now grabbed Shou’s upper arm to make him turn around, then he shoved him in the back so hard, that Shou fell onto the bed face down. He just managed to raise his arms to soften the collision with the mattress.

Motions like this always felt like a rehearsed choreography or maybe like a dance. Shou knew that the push alone would probably not have been enough to make him stumble, but it had enough force behind it to not leave Shou much of an option but to follow Yutaka’s lead without fighting back actively.

He was now lying flat on his stomach, his feet still touching the floor.

Yutaka put his palm between Shou’s shoulder blades, leaning onto him with his weight to hold him down. Shou’s body sunk deeper into the sheets under the pressure.

With the other hand, Yutaka reached for Shou’s pants, jerking them down so violently that it made Shou wince, because the fabric rubbed against his erection painfully.

“Stay down”, Yutaka ordered hoarsely, then the weight from Shou’s back disappeared.

Shou pressed his face into the bedsheets, lifting his legs obediently as Yutaka pulled both the jeans and his underwear over his angles.

The fact that his lower body half was fully exposed while he was still wearing a shirt, made Shou feel even more naked. He felt weirdly reduced to his function as a sexual object, but that was exactly what he wanted. He’d actually prefer it, if it was just about the sex for Yutaka, too.

As if he wanted to punish him for that thought, Yutaka slapped his hand across Shou’s bare butt. The burning sting came so surprisingly, that Shou let out a betraying hiss at the sudden pain.

Behind him Yutaka chuckled. Although he never seemed to enjoy hurting Shou, he always sounded gleeful, when Shou wasn’t able to hide his reactions.

“It’s cute when you make that noise”, he observed.

Prepared for the second blow Shou gritted his teeth. He still couldn’t keep a small, lustful moan from escaping him. Once more, he felt slightly embarrassed for how turned on he sounded while getting spanked, although Yutaka knew perfectly well how much Shou liked it. In fact, Yutaka was the only person who knew.

“Nah”, Yutaka said and Shou heard him flick his tongue. “You can do that a little louder, can’t you?”

He slapped him once more, so fiercely that Shou’s butt cheek would remain burning for a little while longer. This time, Shou did not suppress his voice, but moaned loudly, pressing his face into the sheets, so the sound came out muffled.

Yutaka gave an appreciating hum, then he walked over to the bedside table.

Shou turned his head to follow him with his eyes. He felt a little disappointed that Yutaka wasn’t going to continue.

“What, that was it?”, he assured as Yutaka got out a pack of condoms from the drawer. He looked over the shoulder to throw Shou a quick gaze.

“You were the one you couldn’t wait to get away”, he reminded him. His tone of voice was mocking, but Shou heard the spite beneath it anyway. “I’m just going to fuck you now, so I can get to eating. I’d take my time, if we had dinner first.”

Shou rolled his eyes.

“If we had dinner first, you’d eat so much, you’d be too full to do anything but nap”, he teased him.

“Get down”, Yutaka changed the topic, putting Shou in his place with a short nod.

Shou had gotten up on his elbows to be able to watch Yutaka move around.

With a quiet sigh Shou lay down flatly again, his face down so he wasn’t able to look at Yutaka anymore. He knew he was being punished for trying to joke it off.

Behind himself he heard footsteps and then the clattering of a belt being unbuckled.

“Hold on”, he said and tried to turn his head again without raising it. It didn’t really work and he couldn’t see what Yutaka was doing. “You were serious? No more foreplay? No more preparation?”

“You wish”, Yutaka said and now he definitely sounded gleeful.

Without saying anything else he walked up behind Shou and a moment later, Shou could sense Yutaka’s hard dick pressing against his butt.

Shou inhaled sharply. He could already feel the tip against his opening clearly and for a second, he considered to beg Yutaka to wait, because his body didn’t feel ready yet to take him in. But then, begging would have been against the rules.

Not that they had ever put anything down formally, but they had talked about it. Shou knew from experience, that if he asked Yutaka to stop or to slow down, he would do so without arguing and without getting annoyed. But it was Shou’s obligation to take as much as he could, before giving up. It was part of the game to let Yutaka push him just a little bit further than he felt comfortable with. If he gave up every time it got slightly inconvenient, there wouldn’t be much of a point to this. Yutaka respected it, when Shou asked him to stop, because he knew that Shou would only ask, if there was really no way, he could take it. It was part of their deal and they had to trust each other to stick to it. Yutaka trusted Shou to try his best and Shou trusted Yutaka not to force more of him.

And Shou knew that he was able to take Yutaka in without preparation. They often skipped on it during tour, when they had sex pretty regularly anyway. And Yutaka’s penis wasn’t even that big, which also made it easier. But it had been almost a week since they had been together for the last time and Shou could already sense the stretch from the head of Yutaka’s dick pressing against him. In general, he wasn’t opposed to a little bit of pain, but …

Yutaka pushed forward and Shou howled at the first stretch, but then he felt his body adjusting and his voice turned into a pleased moan, as he felt the familiar slide.

“Good”, Yutaka praised him, before he started thrusting his hips forward steadily.

Shou clenched his hands into the bedsheets and his eyelids started to flutter as if he had no control over them whatsoever. Yutaka’s movements were just rough enough to add that little extra bit of excitement without the pain making it unpleasant.

Shou moaned unrestrained. Behind him, he heard Yutaka gasp and moan as well.

Shou loved it, when Yutaka fucked him like that. There was something raw and primal about it, and Shou’s entire body felt so good, but he also felt used. And then, he felt like that might be enough. Like maybe the pleasure he brought Yutaka was enough to redeem his existence.

Usually, he felt like he had to prove himself all the time. He needed to write the best songs, so the fans would be happy. He had to earn the most money, so his parents wouldn’t think he was a failure. He had to put the most effort into his looks, so someone would think he was pretty and worthy of love.

Just when he was with Yutaka like this, those things stopped mattering. Because all he had to do to please Yutaka was to follow orders. And those orders weren’t complicated like a girl saying “call me when you are free” and Shou not understanding if she wanted him to call immediately even when he was busy, or when he was free so they could meet up, or wait even if he was free not to seem too desperate. The orders from Yutaka were simple. Stay down. Take off your shirt. Stick out your tongue. There was relief in their simplicity. Even a dog would be able to follow simple orders like that.

Shou felt Yutaka shifting his weight. He propped up one of his knees on the mattress next to Shou, so the angle allowed him to go in deeper. His pace slowed down a bit, but Shou could sense his hot, throbbing dick all the way now and he moaned, trying to squirm a little to rub his own erection against the sheets below him. He was so hard, that it was becoming painful and he just wanted relief. Sometimes, he managed to cum without touching himself, just by creating a rubbing against the sheets and feeling Yutaka inside of him.

Yutaka’s voice was turning hoarser now and Shou assumed that he was close as well, but he grabbed Shou’s hips with one hand, stopping his motions, after obviously guessing Shou’s intent. Shou wondered if he might be able to cum just like that, too.

There was nothing else on his mind. All he could focus on was how good he felt and how he would be able to get himself some sort of relief. He was completely reduced to a physical need and while it lasted, he was convinced, that this was enough. Fucking and sleeping and eating and not proving himself to anyone and not trying to navigate his way through the entangled web of human relationships. When he was with Yutaka, he felt like an animal and like maybe, that was all he needed to be.

Shou tried to move his hips again, pressing them down onto the bed harder, hoping that just the pressure against his hard dick would help him cum already.

But just then, Yutaka pulled back.

Shou let out a low whine, convinced that Yutaka was punishing him for trying to get off without his permission. For a moment, Shou’s hole felt weirdly open and exposed.

Yutaka grabbed his shoulder and guided Shou to roll over.

“Turn around”, he said.

Shou exhaled with relief, realizing that Yutaka was not meaning to deny Shou his orgasm but just wanted to change positions. Shou shouldn’t have been surprised. Yutaka preferred looking at his face while they had sex.

Obediently Shou rolled onto his back, pulling up his legs to allow Yutaka between them without needing further instructions.

Yutaka’s dick slipped in easily this time, since Shou was already loose. Shou moaned when he felt him inside again.

Yutaka looked down onto him.

At first, Shou had been surprised to realize this, but actually, he also preferred looking at Yutaka’s face while they had sex.

Because his face changed whenever they were together like this.

Usually, Yutaka looked at him with a mixture of pain and longing and anger and affection and a lot of other things that Shou could not quite pin down. But during sex, all he saw on Yutaka’s face was desire. His expression turned grimmer and his eyes seemed darker somehow. And Shou could tell, that Yutaka wanted him so much, that he didn’t care if Shou would stay afterwards and he didn’t care if he would be hurt and if they would ever have dinner together at a nice restaurant. During sex, all the human emotions and worries and thoughts seemed to disappear from Yutaka’s mind and he turned into an animal with only one craving. While they had sex, Shou wanted Yutaka and Yutaka wanted Shou and for a short while, that was all there was to it.

Shou loved looking at Yutaka’s animal side, because then, for a little bit, everything became easy and Yutaka wasn’t disappointed in him. During sex was the only time, that Shou actually managed to please him and live up to what he expected from him. That was why he loved following Yutaka’s orders. That was why he loved being used by him. That was why he loved meeting his eyes during sex. For a short while, Shou was not failing him.

Yutaka grabbed Shou’s leg, forcing it up a little higher to change his angle. He was pounding him harder now and Shou was trembling all over, gasping for air and his body feeling hot and blissful.

Yutaka gave him a short nod.

“Go ahead”, he said breathlessly. “Touch yourself, if you want to.”

Relieved Shou reached down and closed his hand around his own cock, stroking himself. He tried to match Yutaka’s pace, but didn’t really manage anyway. His own movements were jerky and imprecise. He felt so good, though, and he enjoyed the way Yutaka looked down on him, watching Shou stroking himself with greed and obvious arousal.

Shou moaned loudly as the orgasm hit him and Yutaka kept pounding him through it. For a second, it felt like his body was going to burst with sensations, but then it just washed over him and he only felt good.

Yutaka pulled back with a last groan and then stepped back from between Shou’s legs.

Shou put them down immediately, his whole body feeling sweaty and sore and he just wanted to lie on his back and rest. He pushed himself a little farther onto the bed, closed his eyes and waited for his breath to even out.

After a moment, Yutaka sat down next to him and gently started to clean Shou up. Shou did not dare to open his eyes. Yutaka’s touch felt so careful and tender, Shou was scared of the way Yutaka might look at him.

Eventually, Yutaka lay down next to Shou, his breath still coming heavy. Shou could hear it clearly in the silence of the room.

Yutaka reached out and draped his arm across Shou’s chest.

Shou blinked lazily and extended his hand to place it on top of Yutaka’s head.

He had been reluctant about cuddling after sex at first, but usually, he was too lazy to get up immediately anyway. And he had figured that Yutaka needed this.

Seemingly encouraged by the touch, Yutaka rolled over and snuggled up against Shou’s side.

Shou adjusted his position, so his hand kept resting against the top of Yutaka’s head. He stroked his hair lightly.

Shou had the feeling that Yutaka was expecting him to say something. He usually turned back to human fast. Faster than Shou, who secretly wished to stay in animal form all the time.

After what Shou deemed the appropriate amount of time to not seem rude, he carefully started to free himself from Yutaka’s embrace to sit up. He never managed to endure his cuddles for longer than a few minutes. Just the amount of time it took him to catch his breath again, really.

“You’re leaving?”, Yutaka assured and he clearly sounded disappointed.

Shou pretended to search the floor for his pants, so he didn’t have to meet Yutaka’s eyes.

“It’s kind of late already”, he observed. “I still need to go home and cook.”

“We could also go over to that sushi place”, Yutaka tried again. “It’s a hassle to cook for yourself once you get home.”

Shou shrugged and pulled up his pants.

He thought of going to a restaurant with Yutaka. Being seen with him in public. Even if no one knew it was a date, Yutaka would assume it was. There was something formal about going out for dinner, that came with a lot of unspoken rules and assumed promises and secret expectations, that Shou was never able to see through. He always kept wondering, if he was doing it right, until he messed up because he had been so busy wondering, that he had missed the part where he was actually supposed to act.

He buttoned his pants.

“No, really”, he said. “I think it’s better if I leave.”

Yutaka, who suddenly seemed to realize that Shou was already fully dressed and therefore on his way out, jumped up.

“I’ll see myself out”, Shou said and walked over to the bedroom door. Somehow, Yutaka seeing him off always made him feel uncomfortable. It had something formal about it, too, as if acknowledging what had just happened between them. Sometimes, Shou wished he would be able to sneak out the door without Yutaka even noticing.

“No, no, wait, I’ll take you to the door”, Yutaka said and fumbled with his pants to pull them up. Though usually, he was quite skilled with his movements, he was being to hasty now and nearly fell over as he tried to get dressed fast enough to walk Shou to the door. It would have looked comical, if it hadn’t been so sad at the same time.

Shou turned his head and walked into the corridor without waiting for Yutaka, because he couldn’t bear to see him try so desperately.

He approached the front door without turning back, although he heard Yutaka come after him, obviously still struggling with his belt.

“Well, maybe another time”, Yutaka called out as Shou reached for the door handle to open the front door.

Shou froze, furrowing his brow.

“What?”, he asked irritated.

“Sushi”, Yutaka added hastily. “Maybe we go another time.”

He sounded scatty now, so different from when they were together in bed. As soon as it wasn’t about sex anymore, their dynamics changed completely. Shou wished he knew how to explain to Yutaka, that it was for the best. That even if he loved him, Shou was not compatible with humans and that it was wiser to keep his distance.

“Maybe”, he said, not knowing how else to spare Yutaka’s feelings. They both knew that it meant no.

Shou pulled open the door and stepped outside, inhaling the fresh air deeply. Whenever he left Yutaka’s place, his throat felt tight and his eyes seemed to be burning with heat. It felt like he was about to cry every time. Maybe his apartment was irritable stuffy.

He pulled the door shut behind himself, so Yutaka wouldn’t have to close it for him. Also, so Yutaka wouldn’t get the idea to come after him. Then he turned towards the staircase.

He didn’t understand why humans had to do this to themselves and to each other. Animals seemed happier. Children seemed happier.

And yet, Shou caught himself craving that special bond, that only humans were able to form among each other. He wanted to fall asleep next to Yutaka. He wanted to go out for sushi with him. He wanted to call him even on his free days and chat about nothing in particular. He wanted to hold his hand sometimes and sometimes give him space. But he was scared that he wouldn’t find the right timing for any of those things.

Shou walked down the stairs, slowly, because his legs still felt tired and his body drained.

But it was him, who had broken the rules first. He had asked Yutaka to be with him, while he was seeing someone. And he had been happy, when Yutaka had ended his relationship with that woman. Because Shou had gotten lonely and he had wanted a relationship with another human being. Not any human being. He had wanted to be with Yutaka, in all the complicated ways that came with getting close to someone.

Shou pushed open the door to the building and stepped outside, but then he hesitated. He couldn’t bring himself to let the door fall shut and lock himself out.

When he thought of coming home, cooking dinner for himself and then falling asleep alone, he almost couldn’t bear it. It was a dog’s life.

And he thought of taking a shower at Yutaka’s place and of watching tv with him and of wrapping his arms around him before falling asleep. And he thought of waking up next to him and he thought of having breakfast together and of Yutaka making fun of how bad his hair looked right after waking up.

And Shou concluded that – in spite of all – he wanted to be human.

He turned around and stared at the stairs for a moment.

Even if it was complicated and even if he would fail, he couldn’t keep going like this. He was hurting himself and he was hurting Yutaka, desperate to keep both of them safe. He was too scared to make a change, when really, he had made it the moment he had asked Yutaka to break up with his girlfriend.

Because it wasn’t just Yutaka, who had complicated feelings. Shou was scared of ruining his relationship with Yutaka, if he tried. He was scared of Yutaka getting tired of him and breaking his heart. He was scared of what the others would say. He was scared if they would be able to keep it a secret from the public permanently. But he was also happy when he met Yutaka at work after being apart from him for a couple of days. He was happy when Yutaka kissed him. He was happy, when there were no separate beds at a hotel during the tour and they had to sleep next to each other. He was happy when Yutaka shouted at him in his joking manner and when he slapped the back of his head.

A dog would never be able to experience that kind of happiness.

Shou inhaled deeply, then he walked the stairs back up.

He wondered if Yutaka would be glad, that he came back. He wondered if Yutaka would be mad, that he had left in the first place.

Shou walked up to the front door of Yutaka’s apartment.

Before he could change his mind, he pressed his finger onto the doorbell and held it for a long time. Then he pulled back and waited.

He waited for so long, that his mouth started to taste weirdly metallic, as if he had run too fast, although he was standing perfectly still.

Finally, the door was opened and Yutaka stood in front of him, naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was still dry, so Shou assumed he had just stopped him from stepping under the shower.

“Oh, Shou”, Yutaka said softly. “You forgot something?”

Shou forced himself to meet Yutaka’s eyes. And he saw so many things enwritten in them. He saw hope that Shou had changed his mind and come back for him. He saw fear that Shou had indeed just forgotten something and that it meant nothing. He saw anger, both at Shou and at himself, for inflicting the hope. He saw happiness, just because it meant spending a few more moments with Shou. He saw worry and angst and joy and weariness and desire and jealousy and he saw love.

Yutaka had the most human eyes he had ever seen.

“I’m not going to that stupid Sushi restaurant with you”, Shou clarified.

Because a restaurant seemed like another code that Shou didn’t understand. And he wouldn’t know what people expected of him, once he took Yutaka out to a nice dinner. And he wouldn’t know how to handle the glances and the whole situation, that seemed to include so many other humans and all their personal webs of relationships.

He couldn’t get used to humans, but over the years, he had gotten used to Yutaka. He had learned to trust him and he was the only one, with whom Shou felt safe as an animal. If he tried to be human with someone for a change, he wanted to try with Yutaka.

Shou lowered his gaze and smiled shyly.

“But you know, takeout would be fine.”

#Golden Bomber #Kiryuuin Shou #Kyan Yutaka #kirikyan #fanfiction #fanfic

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