#WHATEVER whatever it doesnt matter no one else cares. I just want to be immature here so im not immature there

[joelletwo]

Realizing im developing a pavlovian hate response to wednesdays =____= due to the work circumstances and such

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[misterbitches]

Dude yong jie’s character is literally unbearable this is like how not to write a vharacter 101

Our first intro to him is stalking, then PUNCHING someone in the LIVER bc the person he “loves” was fucking drunk and he blames his best friend? Then his mom is like “lmao actually um hes psycho” so anything they try to do retroactively like how they peppered in HIS DAD DIED A BLOO BLOO but previously it was also his OWN MOM going “im afraid he’ll lose his humanity” so not only was there no breathing room then it’s bumrushing him into their lives as best friends and it doesnt work. This dude sucks and he isnt even fun to watch. You know how breaking bad has one of the most abysmal main characters of all time but all of us were fucking ENGROSSED but the show made it clear that every enemy he faces, even the DEA, we want THEM to win (it is also a class analysis but woreva) so i am like wtf they show us literally nothing here. He’s just there. Wasting space and being awful. What is the purpose of his character in ssu’s life? Once you rape someone it is fucking over full stop but he didnt even fucking manage to start off in any compelling fucking way. Absolutely bonkers dude Esp bc theres at least a base moral code ie DONT HARRASS GIRLS UR “INTO” and thats why mei fang the absolute mad lad beaut was like “lmao nah i hate u”

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?????????????????????????????????? WHERE IS THE WRITING HERE? WHAT IS THE SCRIPT? awhat is the PROGRESSION? This is such an insanely fucking dumb plo5 point i rly cannnnjnnntoeiwijshsgsgsgsgsgsgeggwiwowiw GORL

Lets talk abt the good things in the characters (theres none for yong jie hes just there being a little bitch)

Li cheng - himbo dumbass “manly” cutie and the manly stuff is fun cos it gets heaped on and yet every bit of him can be extremely “feminine” and jubilant. Great.

Muren - seems >:O but i rly like that hes actually pretty open in his own way. Side note: he is so thin and willow-y i rly loke tall pretty boys (and all women lmao) and he doesnt do it for me but He suits the character like his body and the way his character is. Also u gotta be weird and he is

Hsinng ssu (girl im never gonna learn how to spell their names it’s too much work cos the eng alphabet andnromanization is terrible) - mild mannered, good son, a homosexual confirmed confirmed g”(awesome!) great friend, good brother (and i guess his reward is being raped, great message!) and someone ppl like

The establishment of the three of them and their distinct personalities happens within minutes and then we meet

Yongjie - what about him? He may have an MI, okay, but we dont know for sure and oh gee that doesnt matter actually bc u have to get urself treated and also not be terrible. Not even psychopaths do the shit he does BC THEY HAVE TO GET HELP. Why the parents didnt get him help and are just realizing their son is terrible? Who knows . His purpose seems yo be “boy obsessed with brother like his actual brother” i dont care id they arent related in that way bc that’s not the fucking crux of incest and it is so insanely Fucked every thing to do with incest is almost always a disgusting powe r issue. WHAT PURPOSE DOES HE SERVE? WHAT DO WE ONOW ABOUT HIM OTHER THAN HE IS A FUCKING JERK AND AN IDIOT AND SUCKS AND I HATE HIM AND THAT HE WANTS TO STALK AND ATTACK THIS REALLY AWESOME FUCKING DUDE OK

There’s no returning point deom rhe line they croased byt theyb set him up for failure. Even in the fight hes a fucking cheater hes a goddamn immature rat they know he fucking sucks but he just sits there and waits for everyone else to move around him. A fucking selfish prick with nor edeeming qualities snd hes also a violent rapist stalker. Really great that thry have no clue how to make this dude actually have any humanity or likeability. Hes the man from 365 days basically except not even that hot and at least he kidnapped her but “WAITED” for “CONSENT” but in that movie’s world nothing mattered and it was bad and the point was to have a horny movie. But this show is for younger ppl and also IT HAS RULES AND IT KNOWS WHAT BAD ACTIONS ARE???? Soooooooooooooo in all these other dumb salacious books there seems to be just a mutual agreement that it’s fucked up but totally normal i their movie’s universee (it isnt and it is still just bad filmmaking)

Also it is up to yong jie to figure put how to get over it and understand that his brother is concerned for him. Bc it is. His brother. There’s a reason that incest is never advisable and thays bc there is no way in that situation that people aren’t somehow being coerced. There has to be a sort of split in the pursuer and the person being pursued bc one person is not thinking that way. (This is why people who find out they are related after the fact and havent grown up together is something thatms really unfortunate. They had no idea and they have to grapple with that but that is another scenario and it happens bc THEY DIDNT GROW UP TOGETHER.) i have experienced this from a (not immediate) fam member and i was the vulnerable one, had less powr, that is how it must go.

Thats why the power imbalance is scary and none of this is acceptable but it begs the question how did they get to this point? But the show doesnt even address that bc they cant bc theyre not original. And power imbalance does not mean automatic absolutely not territory. Theres things we dont like (in my casee i hate age gaps a lot) but i will avoid that.

I havemt seen “right or wrong” and i have no desire but from what ive garnered from ppl i like who liked that episode, the show outlined the moral issues with it. Idk if they did it in a way i would have preferred (again no desire) but at lesst from what ive heard it...tries? Idk i dont see the need for these if they dont give us a reason why these ppl should be together and there’s several lines that cannot be crossed that were. Basically it’s like stockholm syndrome now and there’s no choice for him, it goes beyond power imbalance and “legality” so to speak and now it’s just entrapment.

Theres not even avoiding or enjoying. Even for MODC as stupid as i found the secondary rship and negligent even like ok. Fine. Whatever. His boyfriend is 100 but at least it was semi agreed upon. It is what it is, go forth. I will criticize it but at least it was the story and as stupid and gross as i think it is and they will probs break up (idc what the show says) at least there are set ups that can make us see “why” it works and oh, gee, their whole rship relies on a different fucked up but at least at some point it could possibly be transcended. The foundation of youngjie is “rape entrapment and aw now they are in lvoe” BITCH NOOOO???? Where is the REASON? And why should we root for them? (There is none and when the Thing happens it is now impossible for that not to be absolutely foundational to their rship lmao and that is never something that goes away.)

I would like to say theres nothing romantic int he flashbacks i know thats what theyre trying to twll us but the actor is 30 and that child is like 8.

Im not missing the point bc i see it with my eyes and it sucks. If you cant even write the character well then how do you interest something heavy and work out the links? The only solution is yongjie dying i mean fucking off forever and hsing ssu not letting him into his lifeXni doubt we will get that but at the very least they cannot end up together and that will be their crowning fucking achievement over the waste of time bullshit plot this was. Imagine actual conflict that wasnt so deeply fucking traumatic and, oh, again WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? They fucked up SO FUCKING BADLY. This gives people the wrong idea about how these things work. God he is truly a shitty character and his ass isnt even fat so wtf bitch why am i here!

[music-never-sleeps-inside]

Sometimes I wonder why people do the things they do and make the decisions that they make....I dont think I'll ever understand it...for instance. If your in a poly and or open relationship. Why lie if u like someone else? Why lie about being with another person? Why lie about feeling the way u do for the original partner when all they've asked for is honesty and faith. A promise both u and the partner made in the beginning of it all. Why disown and replace the person your with with someone else. Lie about doing so saying u still love them when really u love the other one. Never really them. Get mad and hurt when they catch the hint that there not wanted anymore so they leave in one way or another. Say they want to work on it when really they dont even try because they're focused on the other person. Then make excuses as too why they didnt work on it and throw it on how u are as a person. If one doesnt love the original anymore or not at all to begin with. Why lie about it? Let alone why lie to hundreds if not thousands of others that you never were with them to begin with so it wouldnt tarnish the relationship your working so hard for some reason to have. When u didnt try with the one who was there threw it all. Even trying to support the relationship they new you were working on despite trying to lie to them about it when they new. I just. I'll never understand it. What's worse. Is when u still love them after all of it. But. They dont love u the same. Weither they ever did or not. You'll never know. Because they've only lied to u over and over again. When all u ever did was trust them with everything u had. Weither your immature. Weither your young. Weither u can be lazy or forgetful. When 2 halves actually truly love one another. You both make things work. You both actually communicate. Weither u feel your rasing another child or whatever other reason. If both feel the love and respect and care equally on both ends. You can make anything work. Even if it takes time. I just....I dont get it....and I may never get it.....but in the end.....I still love them no matter how much I want to RIP that live away so I'm not hurting anymore when I here I love u. I miss you. Or worse......idk what to do anymore. Nor understand what to think anymore. I'm sick of being lied too. Of having excuses thrown my way instead of actual honest truth. It's hard to put energy into someone when they dont even try to do it back. The sad fact is....I want to fix it....I hate blowing up because of the pain I feel....I hate bottling it all in....but when it's not even wanted on the other end idk what else too do but bottle it up again till I explode out of heart break confusing and pain......maybe I'm just a clingy bitchy asshole....maybe I'm just a toxic dickhead....idk.....I just.....I dont get it.....I probably never will...No matter how much I want to work with what I have now....it just....doesnt feel the same....it hurts in ways I dont understand....but its already to late.....I've been forgotten and replaced and still lied too all the same......and then become the bad guy when I cant bottle it in anymore....

[ryollie]

Hey so I wanted to ask, since you are my favourite artist and all, what do you think of my favourite character Charlie? Do you think he is aroace? And what do you think of other people trying to force this HC on other people?

ngl this asks sounds like its gonna spark discourse but hopefully ppl r open-minded ig. its long so im putting this under a read more!

personally....i have a diff take on this kinda stuff? i honestly dont really reinforce just one sexuality and stuff onto fictional characters. like to me a character can exist in so many diff timelines, they dont have to just be stuck with just one sexuality. take ollie for example. he’s bi in my main storyline, but he’s gay in another au, and straight in another. it’s just not really a big deal to me? ive never been a fan of sticking to just one take on a character. its boring lol ! but each to their own. obviously if someone decides their character should just stick to one sexuality only, thats valid! its their character and they do what makes them happy.

as for my own take on charlie. he does seem like he has no interest in dating anybody from what we’ve seen in the game so far, he shows disinterest in dating and only seems obsessed with dragons, so him being aroace makes sense. but also hes like a young teen and its normal for some young teens to not want to be involved with all that romantic stuff at such an early age? he might not be ready for this kind of commitment and like thats valid lol. maybe he just hasnt found anybody that he wants to be involved in yet, or maybe he never will since he doesnt care about dating and just wants to be a kick ass dragon master. who knows!

people trying to force any HC on other ppl r awful lol. like hello, its just a fictional character that you do not own, pls relax. like.... just hc what makes u happy, but let others hc what they want to be happy too. if someone hc’s charlie as aroace, their opinion is valid. if someone hc’s charlie as something else, like gay, straight and bi or whatever, their opinion is also as valid. people who force hcs on people are so immature? u do u, but let other ppl do what they want to as well -- having a diff headcanon of a fictional character isnt harming anyone. like if ur bothered by someone’s hc’s or whatnot, just block them ahsdkskadj simple. no need to start discourse with them. 

(extra.) im friends w a lot of people who hate drarry . u know why? its because we are both civil about each other’s likes and dislikes and acknowledge it - we can agree to disagree about certain things. just because we view certain characters, ships and headcanon them differently, at the end of the day, it literally doesnt matter lol. theres a reason why its called fictional. cuz its not real. and starting arguments with real people over fictional characters is...........sad to say at least

tdlr: i think charlie is aroace but i dont care if someone headcanons otherwise. also people who force the charlie is aroace headcanon on others are forceful and rude and should go outside

[desertdragon]

This has been bothering me more than usual again the last few days since going back to therapy after a forced month hiatus, in addition to the SE announcements regarding pornographic screens or highly suggestive screens posted in public from people with nude mods installed, and my own past history with this being a part of my PTSD

I cannot stand anyone who looks at issues like this one and underage erotica and titillation/shipping with an adult ( esp the latter being RAMPANT in the FFXIV community ) and either condones it thinking they get to look down on everyone yelling at them ( with the thinking of ‘I can do whatever I want and it is NEVER my place to have responsibility for my actions esp in public spaces, the people asking me to stop are the immature ones, its the responsibility of others to shut up and not run in MY public playground and NEVER have negative reactions to what I do, how DARE you not be just like ME’) or arguably a bit worse, allowing it and this first group platforms and spaces where they feel safe to spout and perpetuate harmful views behind ‘Its fiction lol’ bc you dont want to feel hurt at any backlash

Its doubly worse when I see survivors of pedophilia among other abuses perpetuating this, people with those among them who were groomed and conditioned with repetitive exposure to fiction romanticizing pedophilia as a way of their abuser trying to brainwash them into finding it Normal as they cut off all opposition and unapproved relationships

You are what you eat, you take on traits from those you’re constantly around, nothing exists in a vacuum, no man is an island- if fiction was just fiction Culture wouldn’t exist, Religion wouldn’t exist, Self Expression and Exploration via the mind doesn’t exist, an English or any literature degree really is pointless, Fables mankind has passed on since your first ancestors to teach lessons and make life entertaining don’t exist,you’re saying books Deserve to be burned and Representation is a farce, there’s no point in understanding the histories and cultures of others bc all the stories they and their ancestors created are empty words and were preserved for nothing, there’s no point in pondering past and current issues of the world via an example from the mind, that Psychology is a useless field

You truly either break the cycle of abuse or join it where it then continues on others

This idea that you should hide behind apathy or fear of retaliation when others perform abuse and not condemn or interact against them is disgusting; you’re saying if you do nothing then it isnt real, it doesnt affect you directly anymore so you dont have to care, you’re saying someone else ( or no one ) can do something about it, nothing is your problem if it doesn’t beat at your ivory tower, you are willing to let others suffer to save yourself while you hide in comfort, a coward, a shell, an imitation of a human being, lower than an animal, a Nothing

Running away doesnt make the world less cruel or problems to cease, it only pulls you deeper into a cycle of pain, pain on yourself, pain you inflict on others in your silence- bad things are for other people to deal with, until It comes for You and by then theres no one left to help, it is not self righteous to Care about people, about wanting others to be safe when they face harm ( regardless of if you suffered what’s troubling them or not ), that’s humanity and compassion

Self righteous is being proud you hurt others, that you stand by and look the other way when someone could use your help, pride that you think raping and grooming children either in pleasurable fantasies or hands on should be everyone’s right never to be intervened or punished, or even not at such an extreme, pride that you think you don’t have to be considerate to people, people should always be considerate to You and you and your sycophants are the only existence that matters

I will not be silent, I will listen to the ignored, I will remember the forgotten and those still being pulled into harms way in the ways I can, openly and not, I will not be swayed against what makes me still human despite a lifetime from age 2 of abuse, despite at age 6 already being molded to think murder was the one way out of feeling pain

If you don’t do something when you have the chance, who will?

[disregarding-reality]

(follow this link in case the images are too smal to read)

author’s notes:

4chan was founded on 2004, next year it will turn 15 years old.

i joined 4chan back in 2011, next year i will have been on 4chan for 8 years. this means that by this point i have been in that website for the majority of its existence, so i guess that shouldofficially make me what they call "an oldfag".

now why do i care about all of this, why do all these outdated, irrelevant, cringy facts matter so much to me? why did i waste so much time and effort on this ridiculous, immature project? well, let me tell you:

People (back in like 2007) used to talk about how 4chan was the internet’s hate machine. this dark, sckened place full of horrors that would eat you alive if you dared go there, or worse, it would turn you into one of it’s horrors. I kept this in mind when i joined back in 2011 and sure enough the first few years it felt like walking in a room full of broken mirrors, if you are careful enough you might not get cut. As time went on i started to get used to that place and even get comfortable. I started to learn about the culture there and came across this.

the idea that in 4chan memes could trascend into myth, into lore. the idea that a website was able to tell its own story in such a deliberate way, blew my mind.

i wanted to be a part of that, i wanted to leave my mark on the world, to add my one grain of sand to the corpus that was that place.

i started to do my own stumbling attempts back in 2013. the rest of the story can be found here

suffice to say, 4chan helped grow as an artist, it was back in 2013 as well that i actually went to /ic/, the board dedicated to art critique, and got my first honest criticism ever online, criticism that actully adressed my flaws and pointed me how to improve them. before that all i had gotten were superfluous “your art looks nice!” on deviant art.

honestly, i just dont have the words to say how much this site means to me, it gave me laughter, so much wild, cackling laughter, it gave me sorrows, it gave me a more raw look at humanity, it gave me a sobering look of what i could become if i didnt make a concious effort to improve my self as a human being, it introduced me to so many new works of art that i would not have heard of anywhere else, it helped me keep the pulse on whatever was happening on the internet at large.

it gave me a community. it gave me a place where i could truly feel i belonged, without ever fear of being rejected. it gave me my education and my first jobs as an artist.

but still this doesnt answer, why this? why now? well, because nothing lasts forever and as i move onto my next stage as an artist i just dont see many chances to revisit these characters, i already haven’t drawn them in a year. so with that in mind i wanted to do one last hurrah, my swan song, my last /co/nrad comic. this is not to say i will NEVER draw this characters again but... i just dont see it happening in the forseeable future. But considering that it was drawing these stories that i truly learned how to draw comics, i wanted to give them one last go with everything i had learned since i started drawing disregarding reality.

chances are that 2/3 of the jokes here are just too abtruse or referencing things that you have no idea what they are. im thinking of compiling an anotated version where i go in painstaking detail over every reference and hidden joke here but considering how much work it would be im only willing to do it if you guys really ask for it. either way chances are i am going to make another post in the future where i talk about the actual comic i just posted and not me, for a change.

as for disregarding reality itself, it should be resuming somewhere early to mid january.

[winking]

pls ignore this ,,, its gonna be so long anyway not like anyone else is gonna read it 

So, I wanted to write a reflection of my year and I thought why not right now. I’m avoiding my homework and I’m feeling tons of emotions. If it isn’t clear I’m doing this cause I want to organize my thoughts...I know I shouldn’t share personal details like this online but its not like any of you really know me.. I mean you can know me and if you do know me I don’t mind you knowing this about me but If you don’t know me then anything about me doesn’t matter. This year started out good I would say. I can’t remember much about Jan... I met lei a close friend of mine.. and we got super close we talked everyday for 5 months? almost 6.. she was nice, sweet, she was so affectionate. although I hate admitting it she made me nervous sometimes because I did like her... and I knew she liked me back.. it was a crush for sure but it was nice to experience that? Needless to say I knew it would never work for various reasons and it sucked alot but I tried to be the bigger person and kinda end it? but before that I want to talk about those months... I always thought she was a bit immature, it was one of the things i hate in people but I understood why so I dont blame her... she was emotional but I think because of that I was also.. I remember the things she did would affect me alot? which was weird... but i guess its cause I liked her alot i dont know either way... before we stopped talking idk what happened but i completely lost all feelings and I was really mean about everything. I know I shouldn't have treated her like that but... it was irritating she kept dropping hints about liking me but thats so annoying when you dont feel the same.. i didnt want to be friends anymore it was alot...to this day i regret it a bit... especially since she was part of half a year with me? I got over it really fast... and not to talk about fate or whatever but I met my girlfriend like that same week i stopped talking to lei ... this is awkward considering everything ahhh... no longer my girlfriend... she was literally... like.. an angel or something that came into my life when i was transitioning she made everything so much better and i think for sure shes the reason why i decided to cut lei completely and whew.. well yeah. i really dont know what to say about her, i love her alot and im so thankful for the time i got to be with her. my relationship w lei and my ex were so different like ofc they were but.. i think and idk if she will read this but you can’t deny how.. quickly we moved into the whole thing. well it kinda is my fault i was the one who asked her out but it was different in the sense that we knew we liked each other so there was never really that like whats the word.. pining? is that is... looking at it now i wish i could have made it longer.....liking each other but not actually having a label i dont know why... even when i asked her to be my girlfriend i didnt feel nervous at all? i overall feel like i robbed myself from the butterflies... the dynamic was just different.. w lei it was like a middle school crush that would have exploded before it started.. w my ex.. it felt more realistic.. and calm?there was a sense of relief and not having to worry if she liked me or not because i knew she loved me and im thankful for that... maybe its regret.. i wish i could experience those moments longer...i thought about if we both dated each other just for convenience and how unfair that is .. but i remember i did like her...my feelings were always there... it was just hard when i doubted hers. she has her reasons and it is too late to care about things like this. thinking if this was a mutual break up... because realistically even i knew it needed to end. there was no romance., i know i spoke of her on here alot but never with her.. it was weird actually. but also if it were up to me i wish we were still together... so logical me versus my feelings yeah.. thats tough buddy. but its okay ive dealt with it ive accepted it... and i think because our relationship had slowly and naturally led to this weird what are we kind of thing it was easier? i dont want to say we have some connection in case she doesnt feel the same lol but i like her as a person and I want to talk to her still and be friends and maybe i feel this cause it was my first relationship but i dont know... theres no bad feelings between us... i just want her in my life... so thats what im feeling right now.. so yes i felt like shit the first day.. and then the second day was worse i woke up crying not because of the breakup because i felt like...she had taken half of me w her and i was left with nothing which sounds so silly... i had this weird realization she was such a big part of my life and she got me into so many of my interests that i was really nothing. but i am still me? and i know that now. im still going to school still going to do the same things i do everyday it will just be different and its not like shes dead and i think that really made me feel better omg.. she tweeted something and i was like right.. youre still here.. and it felt normal.. and thats what i want.. i want everything to be normal i just have to accept this as normal. anyway im fine now..im very grateful for my mental health.. nothing lately has been able to tear me down.. if something pushes me down i pop right back up and im glad i can deal with emotions and obstacles in my life...so i hope she also didnt take this the wrong way of like.. i got over it so quickly ... hmm no i definitely cried and went through all 7 stages of grief KJNFKJEW but thank u for texting me yesterday...? i was going to text u today anyway but u won me ...... all of this was meant to happen... so thank u to the people who came into my life and brought me happiness but also taught me something... i dont know what else to type i know theres the whole thing about who i am or whatever... i dont really like kpop anymore well i do but not to the extent of being on stan twt im just really confused with that.. i hope i can meet some new people at school i just need to be more outgoing.. anyway if you read this i love u now u know my whole life haha

[kz-i-co]

One Reason

Summay: You have met a troubled boy who is clearly no good for you but you couldn't help but fall for him.

Pairing: Kim Hanbin (B.I)/ Reader

Genre: angst/fluff

Words: 4.1k

A/N: Warning: This story is loosely inspired on 13 reasons why, I don't mean the subject of suicide but more based on one of the male characters. This story takes place in a very realistic immature high school, like the show so there is very mature topics that some readers may find offensive. Topics may include bullying, drug use, sexual content, fowl language, violence, etc.

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

m.masterlist ╫ ikon masterlist

You felt the irritating sound ringing in your ear, making your ears more sensitive, but you continued dancing on the center of the dance floor with a cute boy you couldn't even remember his name.

It was the last party of the summer before school, which you honestly didn't know why you were at. You were new.

You moved here at the beginning of the summer. Being a new student when it was your last year was tough. You didn't see the point but your parents needed the change. You didn't want it. You wanted your old friends. You considered yourself fairly popular at your last school. Not by choice for the matter, it was just the people you got along with.

Anyway here you were at some foreign party with foreign people. Suhyun was one of your neighbors and you got close immensely, for the two months you've been here.

She's a senior as well but the bad thing was, this is her going away party. She was moving in a few days. Right before the school year starts. At first you felt releaved that you would know at least one person going into this ratchet school but of course, nothing could go your way.

She told you earlier, when you were sober, that she would introduce you to all her friends and help you feel more comfortable but you knew by Monday, they would all forget you anyway.

You felt like you were a decent person but you always had a slow start with people. You would avoid anyone and everyone, unless they showed in interest in you. Other wise, what's the point.

But there was the boy. The boy you were dancing with who showed interest but you had an uneasy feeling about him. One you couldn't read, but there was something about him that pulled you to him.

It all started when Suhyun introduced you to him. Only 2 hours ago.

"So this school is full of assholes but you will adapt." She said giving you your first drink of the night.

"Hey Miyeon, get a room!" Suhyun shouted across the room. "That is Miyeon and Ju-ne. I set them up last year and now look at them." She gloated

The doorbell rung, signaling more people to enter the already crowded party. As soon as the people passed through, something caught her attention outside.

"Hey assholes, are you coming in or what?"

You followed her outside to see the commotion. She was talking to a few guys goofing off.

"Is she speaking to us?" One boy said sarcastically.

"She's speaking to us not you." The other boy spoke causing Suhyun to roll her eyes.

"I'm talking to all of you, even you Hanbin."

"She must be drunk." The boy next to him spoke.

"I had 4 months to get over it." She shrugged. "Now get your ass's in here."

"Oh by the way, that is Bobby, Dk, Yunhyeong, and Hanbin.....my ex."

Oh now the random conversation suddenly made sense.

You looked back and noticed the boy smile at you sweetly.

And that's where it all began. Fast forward to you working up a sweat on the dance floor next to the boy. The boy that you learned was named Hanbin. The ex of your new friend and off limits. She didn't have to tell you but you were loyal when it came to girl code.

Here you were breaking it anyway, but in your defence you weren't in your right mind. The alcohol had taken over and you hoped things wouldn't take off.

-

"You will be fine." It was the day before school started and the official last day of Suhyun. Her parents were putting the last of their things in the moving truck. "I told Miyeon to help you find your classes."

You nodded. "And I have something to help you get by." She looked around for her parents and snuck something out of her pocket. She placed it in your hand and once you saw it you cheeks lit up immediately.

"A condom?" You questioned. "Why?"

"To not get pregnant stupid."

"I understand that thanks." You said sarcastically. "But I have self control."

"I don't know, it didn't seem that way a few nights ago." She smirked. You honestly didn't even remember. The last thing was you puking your brains out.

"What do you mean? What happened."

"You were in a three way make out session."

"No."

She nodded while biting her lip. "Don't worry I took you away before something else happened. You were all drunk so I wouldn't be surprised if any of you remember."

Who was it? Was it the boy?

"So you're giving me one condom?"

"Jeez girl."

"I didn't mean it like that." You laughed.

"Just be careful, these boys......can be a little wild."

You nodded and finally gave her a good bye hug.

-

You hesitate to step out of your father's car. "Can I just be homeschooled?"

"I know it's scary starting a new school, but at least it's the first day, you don't have to worry about catching up in any classes."

"That wouldn't matter anyway, j get good grades." You smiled.

"I know." He caressed your cheek. "Now go before you're late."

"Okay." You finally got out. You walked up to the office to get your schedule. You saw no sign of Miyeon. Typical.

As you were walking to the class you bumbed into someone dropping your books. Cliche but it actually happened. You looked seeing the boy. The boy from the party. The boy that smiled at you. And the boy that was dancing with you.

"(Y/L/N) (Y/N)" He said picking up your books.

"Kim Hanbin."

"You remember my name." He smiled.

"How could I forget, I had a lovely chat with your ex." You teased. You were really dying on the inside but you didn't want to show him fear. Suhyun told you he's a popular kid and he's trouble so the last thing you wanted was to be on his radar for bullying.

Hanbin rolled his eyes playfully. "I wondered what she had to say."

"She told me to stay away from you."

"Whys that?" He arched his eyebrows.

"She said you smell." A small smile started to form.

"I smell huh?" He smiled. "I hope that doesnt bother you."

What? You knew she was kidding but anyways, why should you care? You were new and he was popular. Why were you on his radar so quickly?

"Why would it bother me?" You said as your voice dimmed.

"I would like to ask you out, but if you turn me down because I stink, I might be heart broken." He held his heart in pain.

You blushed instantly.

Why was he making you feel mushy inside? You barely knew him. You honestly wanted to accept his offer but....girl code.

"Can I think about it?" You scrunched up your face in innocence. You didn't want to make him feel bad. You didn't want to say no but you couldn't say yes either.

"Oh no, my horrible odor has let me down once again." He said dramatically causing you to laugh. "I promise I will smell better tomorrow and I hope that changes your mind."

"Maybe." You smiled.

"There you are (Y/N)." You heard Miyeon call your name. Maybe she was helping you after all.

"I'll see you later." Hanbin walked off, smiling one last time.

"Why was he talking to you?" She asked.

"He wanted to help me find my classes." You lied.

She huffed. "That doesn't sound like him."

"Stay away from him, he's trouble." She continued.

"Okay." It was your first day and you already could sense the drama. You were never one to get dragged in, just watched from the side lines. You wanted to enjoy your last high school year, not be sucked into whatever mystery lies within these walls.

Was this boy worth it?

-

Later on when you got home, Suhyun called you in a facechat call. You already missed her.

"Soooo, how was your first day?" She asked.

You started to blush thinking about Hanbin. You knew it was wrong but you already felt your crush forming.

"I know that look who is he?"

"There is no he." You shrugged.

"Just spit it out."

You felt guilty. "Okay so I kind of got asked out by this boy...."

"On your first day? Which boy?" She was leaning forward more interested.

You bit your lip with a painful expression.

"Oh." Was all she said.

You didn't even have to tell her. "Hanbin wasn't it?"

"Don't even worry, I said no." You lied.

"Why did you do that?" She shrugged.

What? You were beyond confused and your expression gave it away. "Because he's your ex."

"So? We broke up."

"Um...girl code."

"If you want to go out with him, I'm giving you permission." She said like it was nothing.

You just stared off into space confused. "(Y/N) our feelings for each other are long gone......go have fun with him. I don't care."

"Really?"

"Sure." She laughed.

Then you both hung up the call. You had a big smile on your face just thinking of the boy. But that smile quickly faded just thinking about everything. Why did they even break up?

Stay away from him he's trouble. Stay away from him he's trouble.

That's all you ever heard since that party when you first laid eyes on him.

Was there something you weren't seeing?

-

You had your guard up during school the whole next day which was making you flinch at every little thing. You thought about it all night. Maybe you should stay away from him. The signs were clearly there but you just wanted to know all the mystery behind it. Was he that bad?

"(Y/N)." You jumped as you heard a sudden voice. "Hi." He gave you that award winning smile.

"Hi." You tugged your hair behind your ear.

"I smell clean, I promise." Why was he being so sweet to your face if he was so called trouble?

You couldn't help but blush and shake your head. "That was a joke you know."

"What?" He said in a sarcastic shock. "You mean I could of taken you out last night?"

Stop blushing!

"Look, if you don't want to go out I understand." He laughed. "But I want to get to know you anyways."

"Its not that." You simply said. "I wanted to talk to Suhyun first."

"Oh, I get it....researching."

"No." You pushed him. "Girls don't date their friends ex's, it's code." You shrugged.

"Okay." He leaned closer. "So does that mean...."

Your heart was beating a mile a minute. Should you say yes? One date, it couldn't hurt. You can see what he was all about and why people were so pessimistic about him.

"Okay." Your voice was barely audible.

"Was that a yes?" He held his heart again in relief. "She said yes."

"Stop being so loud." You giggled covering your face.

"I'll pick you up around 8." He smiled.

You started to walk away to your class with your face as red as ever.

"You won't regret this (Y/N) (Y/L/N). I promise." He called after you.

Okay people were staring. You even saw a few girls give you a disgusted look. The bad thing was, if he was so popular, there's a chance he could pull you into that crowd and it could turn out good or bad. You just hope you were cautions of what you were getting into.

-

You felt like you can picture his whole life in a simple second. Perfect athlete with a scholarship waiting at the end of his graduation. A perfect family proud of his every achievement. Always had the perfect grades and girlfriend to bring home. Money.

But you couldn't be ever so wrong.

After school Hanbin said goodbye to Bobby as he reached his apartment. "Do you want me to go in there with you?"

He looked out the window. "No, I'll be okay."

"Do you need money? I can help you get a car."

"My mom wouldn't even let me save enough money to get one. She'll find an excuse for something more important to spend it on."

"A car is important." Bobby sighed. "You can just live with me until school is over man."

"Thank you but I can't leave my mom with that asshole." Hanbin finally got out and walked up to his apartment.

He opened his door and saw Jaesun sitting on the couch with an empty beer in his hand. His mom was no where in site.

"Where's my mom?"

"She's out buying my stuff." He said.

Hanbin glared at him before walking past. "Hey B.I hand me a beer."

"You aren't allowed to call me that." He said with attitude.

"What do you want me to call You? Pabo? Just get the beer."

He didn't he walked past to his room and locked the door. He could hear him approach the door with a bang and jiggled the handle seeing it was locked. Jaesun laughed humorsly, then his tone went dark. "You better learn to respect me boy."

"Fuck you." Hanbin grunted to himself.

He didn't even come out once he heard him mom come home. "Hanbin please come out."

He was sensitive when it came to his mom. He opened the door and saw his mom and gave her a hug. "What is this I hear you ignoring Jaesun?"

He pulled away. "Sorry I chose not to be his slave." He said loudly getting Jaesun's attention.

"What the fuck did you say to me?" He got up. "You can't respect me you can get out of my home."

"This isn't your home, me and my mom lived here first, you evaded."

Jaesun walked over angrily.

"Okay stop." Ms. Kim stood in between them. "You need to chill out and you need to chill out."

"Why do you always take his side." Hanbin said disappointed with his face flustered.

His mother looked up at him. "I'm not taking sides." Then she stepped away and made her way to the kitchen.

Jaesun pushed Hanbin into the wall roughly. "You speak that way to me again, your mother isn't going to stop me from teaching you a lesson."

He kept his mouth shut, but gave him a dark glare. Jaesun just laughed it off and went back to his couch. Hanbin grabbed his shoes and his jacket and made his way to the door. "Where are you going I'm making dinner?" His mom stopped him.

"Out." He said harsh.

"You don have to feed that brat hun. More for us."

Hanbin just ignored the low life and continued on his way.

He was on his way to pick you up. He knew where you lived since you were Suhyun's neighbor. The town wasn't that big so walking wasn't a big deal. He looked at your house for a bit, seeing how nice and cozy it was. Something he always wanted.

He walked up to the door and knocked gently. A nice women opened up the door with a confused but genuine smile. "Hello."

"Hi is (Y/N)-"

"I'm coming." You ran down the stairs and out the door.

"(Y/N)?" Your mother stopped you.

"I'm sorry, mom this is Hanbin and Hanbin this is my mom....okay let's go." You grabbed his hand and tried to make a run for it.

"You are going on a date and you didn't tell me? I feel like I should go over some ground rules."

You rolled your eyes in annoyance. "Mom please no."

Hanbin smiled. This was the warm and closness to a family he only dreamed about.

"I want you back by 10, no drinking, no drugs, no sex."

"Oh my God, please stop, I know common sense."

"Okay." She gave a warning look to Hanbin but smiled at the end.

"Thank you Mrs. (Y/L/N)."

"Where's your car?" You asked.

"I don't have a car?" He said with a smile.

"You smell that nice but you don't have a car."

Hanbin rolled his eyes playfully.

You were surprised really. You were sure he had money. He was popular, charming, super attractive. You were sure he had his life made.

"I'm working on getting one." He said hopeful.

"No problem. I like walking."

He smiled at your surprise response. All he wanted was to impress you and he was sure not having a car would be a disappointment. But you were more different then he thought.

You both stopped at a cafe at the end of the block. "What would you like?"

"A hot chocolate and..."

"How about that giant chocolate cookie we can share." Hanbin suggested.

"Okay." You smiled.

"Hey B.I." A guy greeted as soon as you approached the counter. You recognized him from the party a few nights ago. Yunhyeong.

"Hey....can we get...." He ordered.

"You want to find us a spot?" Hanbin asked and you nodded looking around.

Hanbin looked through his wallet and Yunhyeong stopped him. "Its okay man."

"Thank you."

"She took it again?" He asked.

Hanbin nooded. "She needed to buy food."

"Doesn't Jaesun keep a jar of money in his closet?" He asked.

"Its money for his stash....He would literally kill me if I took it." Hanbin shook his head aggravated.

"Tell your mom to kick him out."

"I've tried, she said we wouldn't make it without him, he pays for the bills and shit."

"Then why is she taking your money?" Yunhyeong was aggravated with his friends living situation.

"She's afraid to ask him."

"Hey I found the perfect spot." You clinged onto his shoulder.

Hanbin just smiled sweetly.

"Here you go." Yunhyeong gave you the food. "Thank you....really."

"No problem, Hanbin remember what I said. Okay."

He nodded and went back with you.

"Your friend seems sweet." You said as you sat down.

"Oh no, did I lose you to him?" His playful attitude was back.

"Shut up." You giggled. "You didn't have to pay for me you know."

Hanbin looked down, but acted like nothing was wrong. "What kind of guy would let his date pay?"

"This isn't the 50's anymore, we can pay sometimes to." You leaned against your hand.

"Fine, you can pay for the next date." He smirked.

"Who says I'm going on another date with you." You teased.

"Ow." He held his heart in pain again.

"I'll let you know at the end." You blushed.

"How's it going so far?"

"Pretty good, but it's anyone's game." You bit your lip.

He was still holding his heart as he felt it beating faster. "You really are something else (Y/N)....You make my heart hurt."

"Stop, you're so corny."

"No really feel." He moved over to your side of the booth.

"Get out." You tried to push him.

"Feel." He grabbed your hand and he led it to his heart. He smiled seeing you blush. You felt his heart beating and you felt chills as he was so close to you. You looked up seeing his beautiful smile.

He leaned in slowly. You couldn't move as you felt his breath on yours. You knew he was going to kiss you any second and you felt like a nervous wreck. You have never had your first kiss yet and you knew you were going to be terrible. You slowly backed out and saw the confused look on his face.

"Its a little too early, don't you think?"

"You're right." He laughed. "This is what you do to me (Y/N) (Y/L/N)." He grabbed your hand and grabbed the bag with the cookie.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere more private." He said.

You felt more butterflies explode. "Um."

"Not in that way, I heard your mother."

He took you to the local park. "Let me push you." He said as you sat on the swing.

He pushed you gently a few times and after a few minutes he stopped you looking over you as you looked up. The tension was tight once again and you could tell he was really eager to kiss you.

"Lets go up there." You smiled as you got up quickly but something tugged on your shirt. The swing chain was caught and your shirt already started ripping.

"Oh no, you're trapped." He tried to get your shirt out. "Here I think I see-"

He tugged and quickly stopped as your shirt was tearing in half. He looked at you in shock. "I'm so sorry."

You felt a little upset but it was just a shirt. "Here." He took off his jacket and handed it over to you. You took off your shirt and threw it, leaving you in your bra.

"Look, I'm taking my clothes off for you in our first date." You teased.

It was his turn to blush.

You pulled on his jacket and continued to have your fun. You climbed to the top of the slide and watched him climb up after you. You tried to cross over to net bridge but he caught you quickly, sending you both to the floor. The net was shaky, especially with the both of you but you felt comfortable.

This time he was too quick to place his lips on yours. You stiffen up but you found yourself moving against him naturally. He took control which was all the better. Your lips were tingling. You never imagined your first kiss being like this. His hand followed up his jacket, placing them up and down your hip.

The kiss was getting more intense as the time passed. He pulled away but moved down to your neck. The butterflies in your stomach was unreal. You have never experienced anything like this before and you almost felt like you were going to fall apart. He stopped suddenly and leaned up to look at you.

"I'm sorry."

"For What?"

"Moving so quickly....I didn't even ask you how you felt."

"I'm fine Hanbin." You reassured.

He looked at his phone real quick. "Its 9:30 we better get moving." But before he put his phone away, he kissed your cheek taking a cute photo.

He helped you up and you were quick to go on your way. You shared your giant cookie on the whole way back to your house. He found out more about you and he was sweet as ever. He cared to know about your likes and dislikes that by the time you reach your house, you felt disappointed you didn't get to ask about him.

"Next time." He smiled. "Thank you for letting me take you out (Y/N)."

He leaned in closer. "Thank you for not smelling."

He laughed. "Is that going to be our thing now?"

You nodded. He leaned in more bringing his lips towards yours once again. It was hard to describe, but he really did take your breath away.

-

The next day you felt your whole way light up as you stepped in school wearing his jacket. You wanted to return it, so you made sure to have it on you.

He saw you and came up right behind you quickly. "Hey." He kissed your passionately.

"Here." You were about to take off the jacket but he stopped you. "You keep it." He smiled.

"Yo B.I." His friends were on the other end of the hall, making googly eyes at the both of you.

"I'll let you get to class, you might not want to meet these assholes." He laughed.

"Okay." You had to get to your locker anyway.

As you did you saw his friends grabbing his phone away and Hanbin tried to get it back. "Yo send this to me."

"No come on." He wanted but was being playful. You didn't know what was going on but ignored it anyway and went back to class.

As you say there waiting for class to begin you heard people getting text messages near by and start to stare at you. What was going on?

"(Y/N)?" Miyeon asked you and you grabbed her phone and saw that picture of you and Hanbin tangled in the net with your bra clearly showing out of his jacket.

This was your worst nightmare and it was all because of him.

-----------

A/N: If you watch 13 reasons why, you can tell where I got my inspiration from for this story so all the credit goes to them. But Hanbins character is inspired by Justin of course. I always thought he was such an interesting character and is really misunderstood from seeing his background and It’s really heart breaking :(

I want this story to be a long standing series so....lets see how you all like it :)

[mollydollyjournals]

I guess the videos are helping me put something into words I've always felt a little weird about. Like I can recognise that I have these issues because of stuff that happened in my childhood (call it all 'parenting' for ease of discussion) and that I have to try to heal from it as an adult. I recognise that I can't put all that responsibility on the people around me like friends and partners. But also everyone has some kind of childhood issues and you should be supportive of friends and partners, which then means they should be supportive to you...so where's the line? How much is okay to expect and how much is too much?

Particularly re gender roles in man/woman relationships. Women are told they should ask for less, be less needy, less high maintenance, and always care for their man. "Be his peace." Then we realise that's unfair and tell ourselves not to settle for a man who just wants a surrogate mother/therapist, especially not where we're made fun of for having "daddy issues" and being "crazy." But we do also know that we still need to be supportive to male partners because that's what partnership is.

And idk I'm definitely of the opinion that women shouldnt be expected to be surrogate mothers/therapists for their partners, which is another reason I feel bad about needing all this reparenting myself and needing so much background trauma understood and so much support that it becomes like I the one who wants a surrogate parent/therapist. That's where I think am I asking too much? Am I being unfair to say men shouldn't want that parent/therapist role from me but if I have a relationship with a man I expect it from him?

But thinking about it, it's about personal expectations and definitions. The number of eldest daughter jokes I've seen is immense. We're just automatically expected to take care of people from a young age. Or when you see little girls bonding with their mothers by helping with the cleaning and cooking, and the boys are bonding with their fathers by playing sports or doing something otherwise leisurely. Because girls are already being taught how to take care of other people (mostly men). How girls supposedly "mature faster" meaning really we're just punished more for doing immature/childish/bad things where "boys will be boys" and get let off with a slap on the wrist, and we get told to keep boys safe and in line, and we're the ones with handbags that should be full of tissues and medicine and anything else the men might need and not have thought of, and all that stuff.

I specifically am an eldest daughter from a father with a strict and stoic cultural background, and a mother who was one of the youngest kids and therefore sympathiseds with whatever struggles come with that but nothing about the responsibility of being the eldest. I even outright told my parents over and over throughout the years that they weren't treating me fairly, that I at age 10 was treated as mature because he was 8 whereas he at age 10 is treated as a kid because I was 12, and it wasnt fair to always expect me to be the one doing the looking after.

And then as adults we get told to look after our boyfriends in exactly the same ways. It's going to his parents house and they're talking about him playing sport or you're about to leave to go out together and his mum pulls you aside and says "you'll make sure he doesnt do anything stupid, won't you?" as if you're just taking her place in his life.

And that's the default. The default is that women do all this stuff to look after men, and men provide financial stability, and that's how it is. And that working is hard, so if he comes home and he's annoyed or angry, you have to "be his peace" ie not make a fuss. Be understanding of the stress he's under and be grateful for him no matter what, while he maybe once a year thanks you for keeping the house clean and raising the kids.

So when women say "I dont want a man who expects me to be a surrogate mother/therapist" it's that. It is for me at least. I dont want to be expected to look after everything by default. I dont want it to be the norm that I've taken everything out with us that he hasn't had to think about, and I've made the effort to understand and be patient with him at my own expense, and I have to keep my cool even if he's upset because otherwise I'm "crazy" or "overreacting," and I've figured out his trauma and given him coping mechanisms and clean up after him and remind him to brush his teeth.

But when we say "we need healthy reparenting from a male partner," it doesnt mean we want a man to do all that stuff above, it means we want our pasts understood and to be accepted as whole, flawed human beings with unique support needs. And when we say we dont want to be a mother/therapist it doesnt mean we dont want to do that for him too. I don't want to do all that stuff above and be an emotional punching bag (or a physical one, for that matter) but I still expect to be supportive and understand their needs. And I feel like there's just a massive double standard in what constitutes being a surrogate parent/therapist depending on whether it's a man or a woman being talked about. It's also not even good or healthy to "be a surrogate mother" in the way that's often meant - they don't mean genuine support, it's more like "let me do what I want and when I fall and scrape my knee you kiss it better and tell me not to do it again and then I run off and do it anyway."

Idk just there was a bit in the video where they talked about having a fight in a relationship and responding with compassion when you learn why the other person was upset, if it touches on past trauma and you validate their feelings, that you're giving "a dose of healthy reparenting." And it occurred to me that I see that completely differently depending on whether I place myself as the upset person or the compassionate one. That for myself and women in general, being compassionate like that is an expected standard, but often for men it's a pleasant surprise. Idk. It sounds fairly obvious now that I've said it all.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

and see now i didnt know masterpiece was gonna do an adaptation of little women.....i dont know if ive ever watched one all the way through

its a fun book if only because of how goddamn long it is, you get to be all following along and stuff......and like individual chapters can be fairly charming b/c its just like...cozy and all. and some scenes are just particularly fun....the Lively Second Oldest self-insert in jo is great too. cutting off all her hair scandalously, always an icon for that. its been ages since i last read through it so i’m like....feeling like theres some classic jo antic im missing here. its really too bad that she had to end up paired off with some older good christian father figure type guy out of nowhere, maybe b/c honestly it wouldve been too good if she got to date the other wild child of the night who was her bff and all....like, everything that happens is bound by Morals and virtuous christian lessons, rather than the characters or even the plot, which is overall just kind of like “several years pass”

coz as snuggly a read as it is and as fun as certain scenes are and following along with the characters are, its so constrained by the Moral Lessons for Virtuous Young Girls that every single arc has to land on. and i mean the author louisa may alcott was completely annoyed for that same reason too, she was actually having to make the book ultimately be a sort of christian guide for christian readers and it mustve been exasperating, especially for like, writing a book actually about girls and what they are like as people in their own women-only home, vs how you have to tell them how to be

off the top of my head, some particularly annoying points that were all “X character has to learn Y godly christian life path lesson”:

meg getting her hair burnt for all her vanity of trying to curl it like a god damn temptress instead of relying on ye olde humble godgiven natural looks

the entirety of what happens to meg after being married, aka in perpetual domestic servitude that required nonstop docility and charming housewifely attitude and being patronized by her Always Right husband and his manly wisdom and sensibility. i dont think louisa may alcott was fond of the concept of a married womans life, especially as per whatever christian morality had to say about it for 19th cent women

jo being lectured by her father figure i-guess-eventual-husband over the fact she made money as a writer via pulp stories, instead of like, following her heart as like a novelist or whatever. like she’s sinful for writing sensational lowly drivel and trying to get some god damn cash. i think she still has the chronically ill sister at that point. like lay off, you ass.

that same guy having to ward off the Evil Corrupting Modern Atheists. ok i get it. jesus and all

ok now im remembering married meg getting all In Trouble with her husband for buying herself expensive fabric for a dress. and feeling all ashamed like, her character is basically treated like a child in contrast with the unerring Good Sense of her husband and all his quiet mature disappointment in things she does and its like, good god. you were more respected during courtship. and ok i get it meg is so vain for caring about looks and clothes and hair and ughhhhhhH

and its funny with amy and her limes as the “following a schoolchums Trend and caring about social standing rather than being steadfast and detached from such frivolous matters” lesson but like also, let her have the 1860s equivalent of a beyblade or whatever and worry abt the immature stuff that matters to a like 10 yr old or whatever. jeez. christianity...

jo of course has to be punished for having a temper and has to settle down from her freespirited, unladylike ways in her maturity like.....yah ok

there’s like 827 chapters so of course a lot of them are just....especially heavy handed Lessons Of The Moment and dont even hardly have a plot

a lot of the Relationships in the end have to do with one character deciding to morally chastise another

im sure i’ll think of more Things That Chafed Most later. its like. Sigh

theres the time beth is the only one not affected by Sloth to go care for some sickly orphans and then she gets sick and nearly dies and doesnt but then does, so maybe thats a lesson in “dont overdo it.” syke she was pretty much A Timid Churchmouse Saint type so like...clearly her archetype was “actually too good for this world” and she had to die or else be cloistered forever. nowhere to go for that character type sorry. except heaven

also there is just a total lack of sexuality to anyone or anything at any time. everyones affections are very courtly and there is like, no concept of...idk, kissing even. jo is all “ugh why would you want to marry anyone, gross,” and its like, right on, and then she’s like “but anyways i myself will now marry this old scholarly dude who keeps acting like a dad at me” and its like. sigh. ppl have kids though too? it just........occurs...

but its got the fun parts anyways......i still remember a couple wild misconceptions i had the first time i read the book, the largest of which was that i completely missed the fact that beth dies like two thirds of the way through the book. i finished the book without noticing. i went about my life without noticing. i may have actually only noticed upon rereading it all later. she dies very euphemistically.

i also on my first reading didnt quite get the precise historical/cultural context in the very beginning b/c i didnt realize that like, describing laurie as brown and firmly establishing that he has dark eyes/skin/hair actually herein meant, like, “italian” rather than that he was black. it wasnt until i got a fair number of chapters past his introduction that i came across an illustration and was like ???????? whom?

well anyhow. i meant to be drawing rn instead of saying all this so i’ll just dump this out

[perfectionistincrisis]

Life these days

Days these days. I get less of the episodes. Episodes - being triggered by anything that makes me reminisce the past & makes me extremely depressed. I stay away from my family & if needed to communicate, im extremely harsh & cold. Sometimes i keep getting flashbacks, & my mind is so busy.

Other times i am just sad for no reason. There are no clear triggers and my head is empty but i feel the same pain and interact with ppl i.e. my family the same. But at night, when i go to bed, or everyone else is asleep,  i start crying out loudly! Almost all the time, I have no idea at all why im crying. I am totally clueless. But i cry loud enough to call it a scream & it pains just enough to shatter me into a billion tiny pieces. Very few of the times, there is actually something specific in my head that makes me cry out loud.

^ Yah all that.

That happens very less frequently now. Its been happening for 3 years now! But recently, and i mean veryyyyy recently like maybe within the past week or something, i am handling it way better. Its like i healed a bit. Although there is so much more of me to heal & i guess a little of me that will always remain broken.

There are many things i realized. And many things I witnessed.

One thing is how inhumane i have been with myself all these years. No one has tortured me more than I have done to myself. And i need to stop.

I realized how I am the one who gets tk decide ‘how much’ i am going to let any certain thing affect me. Yes. I get to decide that for myself. And the time has come, I need to let it not affect me at all. And i tried before too but this time i realized that i cant just sit and tell myself that from this moment nothings going to affect me & that will be it. No. It doesnt work that way!

I need to stand up for myself. I need to speak up for myself. And i need to fight back when needed.

Its like im in a battlefield & this is war.

Im on it on my own. No one will ever be able to help me. I need to be here for myself always.

To add to that, i realized that i seriously am on my own. I thought about it. There is no one i feel comfortable speaking to. The thing is, i have always been so aware of everything. Never let anyone see my weakness. Never trusted anyone. Never expected anything from anyone. I don’t let people in. I can not just certify someone as ‘close’. My family and him are the only ones who are close. But what i realized is, although I don’t talk to any of them about my problems, if i got a chance, i don’t think i ever really will be able to open up to any of them completely. With my family, well i think they’re close to me because of the blood. I mean my brothers, theyre still immature. My dad, well he lacks emotions. So nah id pass. And my mom.. Well, i dont think ill ever be able to be myself completely with her.. I just..idk i just feel like she’ll judge me.. I just dont want her to get any wrong idea of me as a person and sometimes we judge people way too fast. I am not that good at communicating face to face. ‘Speaking’.

I am much better at communicating when i get to sit and slowly write down what i have to say. And even worse, i dont even know to express myself in bangla. I mean even my duas when i pray to mg duas when im doing tawaf, its always in english. Thats what im comfortable using for communication so yeah. And with him, well i wasnt ever scared of him judging me. If speaking to my moms a 3/10 then speaking to him is a 9/10. But its just not 10.. That ‘1’ i missed out; there is still a fear of being judged.. More importantly, we dont talk now so its not an option anyways.

So i realized that im unsure Ill be able to completely open up to any of them because i feel like theyll start to think stuff, or theyll feel im just exaggerating it or theyll judge not me but the other people i talk about & mostly the people in my stories are these people who are close to me. I dont want anyone to think wrong of anyone else or anyone to get hurt listening to my feelings of how their involvement affected me.

So i realized that its safe to say I am in this on my own. I need to fight for myself. I also realized that I am more of a ‘cry baby’. I mean if i have problems i should just deal with it myself. Okay well thats what ive been trying to do all this time.

So many a times, i did get better, feel better. But then, out of the blue, there’s a flare up.

This time, inshaAllah, i hope there wont be.

Some things also happened recently, somethings i witnessed which im totally not sure about. Meaning, i dont know if theyll be saved in my head as something positive or negative. Ha ha ha. Yessss, thats the complexity of this whole shit matter. Theres an equal 50:50 chance of it being either one.but for now its positive for the bigger part with a pinch of negative that was there in the beginning.

If this wasnt me blogging but instead talking to him, id say thing 5 time more than whatever i just wrote down.

Life is fine right now Alhamdulillah. I get depressed very less often. Well i just wanted to point out that me being less depressed doesnt mean my lifes a party or im really really happy and all 24 7. Everyday is full of ups and downs and social media is mostly just for focusing on the ups.

But then nah, really, I mean deep inside my heart I am so thankful to Him. Theres this satisfaction; this firm belief that He will take care of me. He will help me and He will be their by my side always. And i need to stress on it that this belief in Him is really really really strong.

But that doesnt mean i dont stress. Cause man, i “over-stress”. I mean i need to do my part too. I need to do my best AND have faith in Him. But thaaaat is the thing. Whenever im ‘doing’ something, i just have to turn it into something stressful. Story of a perfectionist. Trust me its a burden.

Also, what brings the most calmness to my heart & at the same time also make me equally restless is how much i keep falling in love with him. More and more every second. I think of him all the time. I pray for him all the time.. And sometimes it feels so bad, i wish i could touch him.. And always, i find myself having no words to let it out.. But i take it as a good thing. I just worry though, always, of whether im doing something he wouldnt like. Its just not that obvious to me. I mean i hardly do anything ‘-’ but like i said, i overstress over every tiny thing so yeah.

So um, thats it.

P.S. also this post was a sudden decision and im having a bad headache so im not sure i was able to put things down nicely. I also didnt re read it but i just wanted to write down a general overview of how lifes been these days.

Its fine Alhamdulillah - had worse days. And praying for far better days inshaAllah ❤❤❤

I worry a lot about him though. I always keep thinking if everything is alright❤

tata for now :)

[subiechick042]

Where did I go?

February 2, 2017. 2:44 AM— where did I go?

      I don’t tend to believe that I will ever be good enough for anyone, as do most people. But honestly, it starting to become toxic again. I don’t know how exactly to describe it. All I really know is that I hate myself and everything I have let myself become. I lost my determination, I lost that fire everyone used to say I always had blazing in my eyes. You know how I know I lost it? Because along with it I lost everyone who kept that fire burning. I lost the ability to endlessly create myself. I lost my friends, some of my family, and most importantly I lost myself. I now try to make my entire life about accomplishing one goddamn thing… finding who I once was.

      Truth is, that is nearly impossible.

      That girl I once was, the girl who cared for everyone, always found the positive side of things, and didn’t spend half her time wondering how in the hell she is still alive… that girl is gone. Who I am now is sadly who I apparently am meant to be. And do you know what sucks the most? I try so hard to get better and to feel happy and wide eyed again. I try so goddamn hard to be good enough and to do things that will make me more attractive so that I don’t have so many issues with myself. The sad truth is, the depression always catches up to me. It always starts eating at me, whenever things get good theres that pesky depression eating at me in the pith of my soul. I don’t know how to make it stop, how do I make the pain go away? Pills don’t work, ruining the surface of my skin with the tip of a sharp blade doesn’t help, so what the fuck do I do?

      It’s quite sickening actually.

      The more I think.

      The more I breathe.

      The deeper my hate for myself grows.

      Not too long ago I had it all figured out, I was going to go off to college and become a musician and travel the country with whomever the love of my life may be.

      Now… I’m just a college drop out who is aimlessly chasing something that doesn’t exist. Moving 17 hours away from my home in hopes that I can find more ways to create myself again. In hopes that maybe, just maybe I can find a way to reignite that fire again.

      Am I crazy? I mean… I know I am. But, is it the bad kind of crazy? The kind that should be contained? Or, is it the kind that should be set out for adventure so I can find that girl I’ve been looking for for the past 3 years?

      To make matters even worse, I think love does exist. The fact that I, Alyssa Whelan, am saying that I think love exists, that in itself is absolute insanity. LOVE DOESNT EXIST, Only lust, and that’s what I have to keep telling myself. However, when there is someone that you would do absolutely anything in the world for just to see them smile, when there is someone that you feel so comfortable around it’s almost horrifying, when there is someone you actually trust with your heart and continuously pray and beg to whatever being is above that they won’t break you the way you’ve been broken before, it’s really fucking hard to believe that love is just a concept. But that’s what I’ve always told myself, love is a concept. It’s not a feeling, it is not real. It is something people make up as an excuse to fuck.

      I’m terrified, because I think I am slowly being proven wrong. Love isn’t just a concept. It’s real. It’s deep. And it’s fucking horrifying.

      I’m already a scared person. I’m already scared of being alone, terrified actually. Also, I’m terrified of not being good enough. Which quite honestly, for this particular human I don’t think I ever will be. But I don’t care that much, I don’t want to lose him. I am so scared for him to walk out of my life and me be broken yet again because I am so goddamn sick and tired of becoming close to people and then them just leaving. As I was saying, I don’t care if he loves me or if he ever even wants to be with me (which I doubt he will, I mean hell look at me. I’m 7 years younger, immature, naive, and just all around not good enough) I just want him to be happy and get everything in this world that he deserves. That freaks me out because I have never been able to say that about someone. I’ve cared for people before, but not like this.

      I’ve never cared so much that it’s made me selfless when it comes to his happiness.

      It’s scary.

      It makes it hard to breathe.

      It makes it really difficult to sleep.

      It makes it extremely tough to think straight.

      It’s blinding. I think that’s why I am so scared to move 17 hours away,.. What if we get out there and he meets someone better than me? Someone who isn’t so broken and confused. Someone who can push him to be the best he can possibly be because she knows, just as I do, how damn amazing he really is. And what if that heart break for me stops me from finding myself?

      The one thing I want to accomplish, finding myself, suddenly made impossible because I was broken once again but this time… I can just tell if it happens it’ll be so much worse than others have been in the past.

      Dear lord this ones going to hurt so much worse than anything else has.

      Why am I so caught up in someone that’s not mine? In something that doesn’t even exist? And more importantly, why am I ranting and typing sentences and paragraphs that don’t even make sense?

      Well, I don’t know how to talk about things that bother me. That’s why I type sentences and paragraphs that don’t even fit together or make any damn sense at all.

      THAT’S MY FUCKING BRAIN.

      Everything is scrambled, I have 10 million different thoughts bouncing around in my head at once and they don’t stop. I feel like I am about to explode. It’s overwhelming, It’s impossible. It makes me want to scream. Hell sometimes it even makes me want to die,

      Why can I not talk? Why do I have to bottle everything up? Why am I so stupid and immature? WHY? Just why… I am constantly asking myself why.

      I am so sick and tired of being sad. I miss being happy, I don’t even remember what happy felt like, But all I know is that if we were meant to be sad it wouldn’t feel so bad… so why have I been sad for so long.

      Why did depression, anxiety, potential bipolar, and PTSD have to come into my life and take my spark away? I was so determined, I was so ambitious, I was so sure of myself. What am I now?

      Nothing.

      I can’t think straight, but what sucks the most is that I hate asking for help. I want to figure everything out on my own.

      But this time I’m in way over my head. This is my cry… this is my cry for help.

      I’m losing control of myself.

      I’m in agony.

      I just want to find myself.

      Someone…

          ANYONE…

                Please…

                     I’m begging…

                             PELASE…

      HELP ME.

      I don’t want to fight this battle alone anymore. I can’t fight this battle alone anymore,

[setthedancersfree]

No one wants to talk to me about Sherlock so I'm gonna talk about Sherlock

I have always had relationship goggles when it comes to this show. I have defended it to almost EEEEVERYBODY who, mind you, had very good reasons not to like it, but being the immature fangirl that I was I put my hand over my ears and loved it anyway. That being said, I was willing to forgive A LOT of shit this show pulled, but I couldn't ignore this. For those who TL:DR, my sentiments can be summed up in one line: WHAT WAS THE POINT? For those willing to listen, let me expound. *spoilers* What was the point of Mary's death? Like I said I can forgive a lot, and I can forgive the strange twists this episode took, with the faith that there would be a satisfying ending. It did not. Why was Mary dying essential to the plot? They pretty much threw that whole point away halfway through the next episode and there was little to now mention of it in the last, no meaningful one anyway. It was like oooh nooo my wife's dead huhuhu but Sherlock, but no my wife, but Sherlock, definitely Sherlock. That does not seem rational at all. And that videotape was a lame way to justify it. Mary was a great character and refreshing to the show. She would have done more good in it alive, then as a sad ghost. They didn't even have the decency to give her a good death scene or a respectable murderer! That must have been THE lamest death of the whole show, let alone a main character! I don't even remember the philanthropist's name. That's how little I think of him. An amazing actor, but a useless villain. A useless episode really. They just wanted one to show John getting over Mary, WHICH HE SHOULDN'T. An episode exploring his grief, as well as Sherlock's grief would have been better. I was willing to accept that Sherlock had gone into a drug induced psychosis after Mary died but the sad reveal that he was faking it just to have John save him just ruined that whole episode even more. It shouldn't have existed, basically. Why Euros? So she was a psycopath, ok. So she wanted attention, ok. They should have just stuck with one. Either she was a psycopath who had no rational reason for her action, in which case she would be dealt with like one, or she play the misunderstood sister and have a redemption ark. Mixing both made it utterly confusing what the hell she wanted and why they had to go through all the trouble. Also, did that mean she loved Sherlock but didn't give shit about Mycroft? (Given she expected him to die) But in the end he didnt hurt him so what was up with that? She was played by a brilliant actress but he character was shallow pretending to have depth. Why did they go? To figure out if she was there? Did they not own a telephone? Or a computer? Why did the guards send anyone in the cell? They were told, they have dozens of dangerous people in that prison, why were they stupid enough to play around with this one? Why would Mycroft who, according to even Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, was much smarter than Sherlock, think it was wise to consult her with anything? Her being smarter than him is not an excuse. If she could do it in 15 minutes, he could do it in half an hour and Sherlock in one hour. Seems a pretty good compromise than literally COMPROMISING EVERYTHING ELSE. What was the logic behind every decision made by every character in this episode? Why did they just leave Molly? No follow up, no nothing. You pretty much destroy the woman, a sensible, smart woman, then nothing? Dick move. Molly had so much more substance in the last season, why did they strip her of that in tis one? Was there only room for one powerful woman per series? I loved Sherlock's mini tantrum after the call. I thought it was brilliant and really showed is growth in terms of becoming more human and having feelings but it seemed to end with that scene. Molly, like all of us, deserves better. I don't see the point of the Redbeard twist. What did it matter? Greater impact? Not really. She killed him. Ok we get it. That fact was to solidify that she was a psycho. She is. Doesnt matter who or what she killed. It still drives the same point. So why? Where were the actual mysteries? One of the things I loved about the way Sherlock did tings was that it was still very heavily based on classic Sherlock adventures, given a modern twist. These adventures were all still cases. That's not what happened here. Except for the first episode, the story's main case had already essentially been pre-solved. Sherlock knew he was a serial killer from the beginning and he knew he had a sister by the start if the last episode. There were no real mystery! Redbeard is not a mystery. They knew whatever he was, he was dead. What he wasn't a mystery, or an important plot point for that matter. The only real sleuthing he did was int he first half of the first episode, and he solved the "main mystery" pretty early on. They lost what Sherlock was all about, which is being a detective, in exchange for what they thought would be character development, which didnt happen, because in the end they literally went back to normal. That was the literal ending "that will always be you???" And finally, to everyone who was "sad" that Johnlock didn't happen, this was the most upsetting of all because... IT DID. How many times did you all say "oh Mary has to die so that John and Sherlock can raise the baby together?" WELL THERE YOU ALL FREAKING GO. It played out basically verbatim! You're welcome shippers, you asked for the literal worst plot twist of the century and you got it, and in the most unsatisfying way possible. You're welcome. Be careful what you wish for. Now don't get me wrong I have nothing against gay couples, I'm just warning against the dangers of fan service. That whole bit at the end was fan service! Every time a show decides to go in the exact direction it's fans ask for, it begins to fail. When sexual tension is realized, when unlikely fandoms become canon, etc, everything plummets downwards because the show becomes a caricature. Fan service is wish fulfillment and wish fulfillment is, at least most of the time, unrealistic and makes for shallow story telling. All in all I'm just really sad about this series because I feel like it didn't evolve the characters in any way and I could literally ignore it without missing much. It was inconsequential and I just feel so bad I can't love it like I love the other seasons. I still do by the way. I always will love Sherlock seasons 1-3 (except Blind Banker, that can go suck it). I am sad because one of my favorite shows is officially failing and I can't defend it. I'm just... sad. Whew. Ok.

[stinkrascal]

Little controversial, but a lot of fun. What are your sim s' toxic traits? Asking all of my favourite story tellers. Let's get deep

omg YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS please i love talking about controversial things lets goooooooooo <3

vlad - he’s a very controlling and overbearing person, honestly. he’s the type of person who trusts his knowledge above everyone else’s and feels he’s the most capable in any given situation, therefore he feels it’s only right that he’s in charge, no matter the circumstance. he’s wise, yes, but after centuries of believing this of himself, his wisdom has warped to unabashed pride, and he finds it difficult to trust another’s capabilities over his own because of it. i like to think this ties into why he’s fairly codependent in his relationships; he needs to feel as though he’s the one providing for, guiding, and therefore “controlling” his relationships, he needs to feel needed, so he seeks out people who feed into that desire, people he feels are “misguided” who need a wise, proper hand to bring them to normalcy. you know, someone like him, the spitting image of normalcy, seeking out impressionable people in an attempt to satiate his intense desire to be needed. like sir have u ever heard of therapy? LMAOOO

breanna - she’s laidback to a fault and oftentimes irresponsible, someone who rarely considers the outcomes of her decisions and someone who ignores the telltale signs given to her. this manifests in a lot of careless, reckless behavior and poor decision making skills. like, for instance, if vlad reminds breanna that the water bill must be paid by x day? you best bet the water will be shut off because queen, irresponsible as she is, forgot to send the check. if she promises to bring you to your doctor’s appointment, you best bet that the morning of you’re gonna call her only to discover she didn’t realize your doctor’s appointment was Today and she is currently stoned asf and cannot operate her vehicle, to which you will reply Breanna It’s 8 AM Why Are You Smoking At 8 AM to which she will apologize and cry and hang up and fall asleep. much like vlad, i like to think this ties into her own codependency issues, as she feels she’s, in essence, unable to properly, or rather, responsibly care for herself, and must rely on someone else to do this for her. she enables his controlling nature by relying on him for most things, and in return he enables her immaturity by providing for her unconditionally. isn’t that, like, super fucked up lmaooooo? like, it’s the sims universe u know, so take all of this with a grain of salt, bc like in the context of my silly sims 4 legacy all of these codependency issues honestly amount to, like, breanna being a happy and uncritical stoner tradwife and vlad being the one who pays the bills and drives. it’s not actually that serious u know. but when you think about it critically and apply it to like real-world scenarios n consequences n whatever... it’s gross as fuck <3 you guys need therapy <3

lucien - like vlad, he’s fairly prideful, as he feels he’s the most knowledgeable and capable of any given situation, but more so than that, he feels the need to show off his intelligence by testing others’ knowledge. he also feels the need to lecture those he feels aren’t as knowledgeable as he is; often he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. he’ll basically mansplain to you for hours, if you don’t keep him in check. also, his ego usually gets the best of him, and he can’t help but find himself better than those he views as unintelligent. it can come off a little classist at times, and this is something which has been brought to his attention in the past, something he wishes to alleviate in his further interactions. it’s a work in progress. ;-;

gen - their main issue is that they’ve a difficult time understanding and empathizing with other people, primarily women. i like to think this comes from their overall discomfort within themselves, whether that discomfort revolves around their personality, their gender identity, or their apathy towards life. women in particular are difficult for gen to empathize with, as it is that gen makes an effort to distance themselves from women, most likely a consequence of their discomfort with their assigned gender. lashing out at the “thing” they wish to distance themselves from is a simple, quick way to tell your peers, I Am Not This Thing! you don’t wish to be perceived as a women? vehemently hate all of that which is considered womanly, and maybe you’ll stand a chance against your audience. that’s... gen’s way of looking at it, at least. it’s not healthy, and gen realizes this by now, but so far it’s not caused too much of a hindrance on their life, save for all the girlfriends they can’t get because of their shitty misogynistic streak, so they’re not too bothered. i can promise you as they grow more comfortable with themselves, they will eventually drop their mean streak. i know gen’s been a misogynist for, like, two years now lmaooo ;-;

carlile - much like his mother, he’s extremely irresponsible. he forgets important dates, he often misplaces his belongings and the belongings of others, he can hardly be trusted to cook without forgetting the stove’s on then burning the house to the ground. he’s also rather bratty, especially when he’s hungry. idk i’m blanking on carlile honestly his toxic trait is being perfect <3

nikolai - he has a hard time establishing boundaries with others, so he often finds himself in situations he finds uncomfortable, merely because he can’t say no to anything. you can usually tell when he’s uncomfortable, as he wears the expression well on his face, but even then, he’ll bite his tongue and carry onwards. worst of all, though, he’ll be upset with you if you’re the one who suggested the plans, even if he’s the one who agreed to the situation despite not wanting to attend in the first place.

klaus - he doesn’t expect anything from anybody, and he feels that all people should feel this way about each other, as no expectations means no one can get hurt. this also means, however, that klaus’ effort put into everything he does is fairly low, and he doesn’t often impress people with his lazy, myopic attitude. he’s self-dependent to a fault, wanting to do most things by himself without considering the help of others, as he feels he’s the only one who should provide for himself. basically, he doesn’t accept “charity” from other people, and he thinks most people shouldn’t accept “charity” from others, either. very much a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” kind of guy, which i consider toxic as fuck, so, like. :)

anastasia - she’s a lot like vlad; she feels her judgment is the best in most situations, and she feels she deserves to be in charge at all opportunities because of this. her confidence teeters on pride, and she often confuses the two and unknowingly comes across as arrogant and abrasive because of this. she trusts the abilities of others, it’s just that she believes she works the hardest and wants it the most, and this innate desire puts her above others. she’s also prone to fits of jealousy, especially over her friends, an attribute also lovingly instilled into her by her father :p if you so much as look at her best friends the wrong way, she will come for your throat as though she were some rabid dog, about to feast on her next meal. she’s loyal, yes, but loyalty doesn’t come without its faults; she’s quick to excuse her friends, even for truly heinous actions they provably committed, so long as she feels the intention is forgivable. her love and affection for other people blinds her, and often she’ll act in their best interest, even if that means being rude or aggressive towards others who go against them.

ilya - his toxic trait is that he’s never featured on this blog and idk what to do with him <3 his other toxic trait is that when hes a teen hes gonna commit arson. thats sooooo toxic

ok im gonna go through everyone else really quickly bc my fingers hurt HAHAHA ok lets speedrun this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bonnie - her toxic trait is that she thinks 50 shades of gray is legitimately a good book series. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

cooper - his toxic trait is that he smells so bad and he doesnt know why he uses soap and deodorant and bathes frequently hes just sweaty asf and you know what Me too king sweaty kings rise up

shivi - her toxic trait is that shes a barista at a coffee shop and she doesnt even like coffee. her other toxic trait is that she lowkey hates vampires :( and thats just rude asf

maeve - her toxic trait is that shes an apologist. she sees someone doing something terrible and shes like OKAY THEY DID THIS BAD THING BUT THEY’RE JUST TROUBLED IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT MAYBE I CAN FIX THEM!!!! like no bitch you cant

tarek - his toxic trait is NOTHING tarek is literally so perfect like he just wants to take care of his sick boyfriend and learn how to be a top tier witch like thats it? He doesnt deserve any slander bye

abigail - her toxic trait is that she’s SOOOOOO clingy to the point where like u guys can be in the same room but if you’re not looking at her rn while you two are in the same room together she’s like DO YOU HATE ME? like abbie please we dont hate u ur just being crazy rn. shes also extremely jealous and self-destructive so like if she feels like u are cheating on her she will FREAK OUT and ruin your relationship bc she doesn’t know how to effectively communicate her emotions and feels the need to lash out inexplicably at everything that triggers her </3 poor girl

karmen - her toxic trait is that she hides behind her humor and nonchalant persona to mask her emotions. she says it’s a coping mechanism, but the truth is, she refuses to meaningfully engage with these feelings, as they’re too uncomfortable for her, so she downplays her struggles with humor. she’s very much someone who acts as though she’s got it under control, even if the truth is, she’s struggling to stay afloat. her other toxic trait is that she will endanger her own internet safety it if means she can get a cute e-milf to send her money <3

caspian - he’s reserved to a fault, as though he’s physically unable to admit what’s troubling him. yet, when he speaks, you can always tell when there’s an issue. it’s always one of those things with him, where the emotion is too repressed to be articulated, yet too present to ignore. he’s so resistant to aid, he’d rather subject himself to terrible situations if it means denying help from another. often, he does this under the guise that he doesn’t wish to be a burden to others, therefore he must take care of himself without help, but he fails to realize that by not helping himself, he’s hurting his relationships around him, which burdens everyone. he’s deeply insecure, and he often weaponizes his insecurities, typically without meaning to. this manifests in a lot of self-deprecation, deflective language during arguments, ie “I’m the worst person ever, I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me after this,” which often comes off very manipulative. again, he doesn’t mean to sound manipulative, it’s just something that happens naturally, something he's gotta work towards alleviating.

vaughn - like caspian, he’s many emotions which are too strong to ignore, though too repressed to be expressed. this manifests primarily through vaughn’s financial immaturity and his promiscuity. he enjoys the physical pleasures of life, and he often abuses these luxuries as a way to distract himself from the very real pain he feels, pain he refuses to admit he harbors. so instead he sings his silly songs and spends his money recklessly and fucks everyone within a thirty mile radius to distract himself from the void in his chest :\

wolfgang - he’s basically an incel LMAOOOOOOO or like what do they call an incel who larps as a normal person to pick up woman? a pick up artist i think? hes that LMAO hes quite literally in the incel community is what im trying to say. i havent talked about it yet but its literally a plot point. if you look in my brainstorm sheet rn it says “Wolfgang munch reads incelme forums every day. Wolfgang munch thinks j*rdan peters*n is the leading figurehead in the hall of intelligentsia.” so like yeah

[alexabettlv-blog]

Writing Final Blog Evaluation

Alexa Betesh

Writing Final Blog Evaluation

Dr. Dara Barnat

December 24th, 2018

  “Maturing in Tel Aviv”

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/alexabettlv

  “Self-Reflective Statement”

           As I reflect back on the past five months, I am in awe at how much I matured as an individual. Through my personal experiences that I encountered, I was able to form my experiences into words. Therefore, I saw that through all my accomplishments I not only grew as an individual but as a writer as well.

           Upon starting this course, I thought that I would struggle because I am not used to ‘free writing’. However, thanks to the peer- reviews in workshops, homework, and classwork I was able to get comfortable with the uncomfortable of this form of free writing. I never been used to this form of writing, in school I have always been structured to write in a more informative and factual way. This new rare form of writing allowed me to be open to opinions and ideas from my peers. It gave me a direction to follow as a starting point and allowed me to flourish in my writing.

           As I look back on my writings, it is clear to see that I have grown. My skills and fluidity has developed as the ten weeks went on, allowing me to express myself in an even deeper way. I did not hold myself back, I wrote what I felt was meant to me shared. This class has given me the ability to understand myself in a new way. I will miss this class but I will keep the concepts and ideas that I learned this semester with me as I go through different courses in my college experience.

     Week Nine Homework Writing Exercise on ‘Endings’

I never really thought of endings as a definite ‘end’. I look at it in a more optimistic way, knowing that when “one door closes, another door opens”. I always think back to this saying when I am faced with something coming to a close. Especially in Israel, I know that my time here is not over. Yes, I am beyond excited to get back to America for there are so many things that I miss: my family, the comfort of my own home, my daily routine and my friends. But, the emotions I feel for leaving this beloved place is completely bittersweet.

Studying here for the past five months has been extremely important to me. As I reflect back on the type of person I was when arriving here, I laugh at how different I was. Coming to a completely new country all without the comfort of my family, I was as immature and independent. Throughout the five months of my time traveling throughout Israel and Europe, my experiences have molded me into the mature and independent person I now am. 

I believe that life is a series of events, there is always something new to look forward to when one thing ends. These endings and new beginnings stay with you as you grow as an individual. Everything must come to an end, regardless if it is a sad or happy ending, it brings new and exciting experiences that you are able to face head-on because you learned from your past experiences that there are many good things to come. 

There has been many happy and sad endings and beginnings that I encountered over the past five months. It started with getting on the plane to start my journey here. Saying goodbye to my family and boyfriend was not as easy as I thought, there were tears and lots of hugs. But as soon as I said goodbye to America and my family, I looked ahead to Israel and the thought of all the experiences and memories that I am about to encounter with my best friends. Life works in a weird way, it makes you realize how grateful you are for something right when you don’t have it anymore. My time here in Israel made me more grateful and appreciative for things that I have in my life. It’s funny how when something is done, all you do is want it back. That’s why my time here in Israel not only made me more appreciative for my past but for my future as well. I know that I will take things for granted and appreciate them more. All these new and exciting beginnings mean so much to me, just as much as my endings.

I no longer think of things as ‘coming to a close’ but as a way of appreciating it and looking forward to what else life has to offer. I know that when I leave this amazing, unique and perfect city, I am going to be heartbroken. But, I know that it has taught me so many amazing life lessons and gave me so many experiences that I will never forget. I will open my new beginnings as I begin my Junior year back at Tulane University, never saying no to any opportunities and going with an open mind. Getting on the plane to go back to America will be one of the hardest ‘goodbye’s’ but, I know that a new adventure will be waiting for me back at home.

 Week Eight General Writing Exercise of a Special image

As I reflect back on the months I spent living in Israel, many exciting and memorable experiences come back to my mind. However, I always think back to this particular moment during my time in Tzfat. This moment and the whole weekend itself had not only made my experience in Israel memorable but inspirational as well. Upon coming to Israel, I have never been Bat Mitzvah. My dad, Ralph, never believed in a girl going up to the Torah is that he recently became very religious after his mom passed away. His new beliefs on Jewish traditions altered many things in our families lives. We now observed Shabbat and kept a kosher household. Along with these new beliefs on Jewish traditions, I was to have a Hebrew tutor once a week to teach me instead of attending Hebrew school. My Hebrew tutor taught me the history of Judaism as well as how to read and write in Hebrew. Given these new traditions, I was never given the actual opportunity to become a bat mitzvah; however, I did have a party in celebration of it. 

That is why this particular picture means a lot to me. The background of this picture encompasses so much meaning and emotion. Towards the end of the summer, my friends and I went on a trip to Tzfat to celebrate Shabbat in a holy city. The whole weekend was filled with new people, traditions, prayers, songs, memories, and laughs. The weekend started with Friday night services where exchange students from all over the world sat outside under the beautiful night sky to recite the prayers and sing songs together. It was a euphoric feeling, dancing under the night sky in such a holy place with a bunch of people who share the same love for Israel as much as I do. We shared speeches about our backgrounds and what brought us to study abroad in Israel. As we all ate and drank next to one another, Dov’s family told us stories about their past and I was intrigued by each story.  

As the weekend went on, the group of exchange students, chaperones and Dov’s family became closer together as we bonded over the weekend. On the last night of our weekend, my friend Zoe and I asked if we would be able to be Bat Mitzvah together since we both never had the opportunity. Everyone, including Dov’s family, climbed their way up the mountain under the night sky. Singing together in unison we arrived an underground cave, in awe, we all took in our surroundings. The walls covered in writings of those who came to the exact same place to make their mark. Each of us was given a candle and listened to Dov and his son sing prayers. 

As the ceremony went on, Zoe and I were asked to come up as everyone stood and listened. We were blessed and honored as newly women. The celebration did not end there, we kept singing and dancing as if no one had a care in the world. We stood together as one, not thinking about the different places we all came from, and let go with the music. Thinking back to this exact moment puts a smile on my face. It’s moments like these where I am proud of being Jewish and studying abroad here.  

  “Special Objects To Me” Blog post from week ___

Whenever I leave my dorm room, I reach for one of the most important things to throw into my bag: my Airpods. This little white Apple box has been with me since my flight on July 25th to Tel Aviv. They have been brought along with me on all the journeys and experiencing all these new and exciting memories. I literally do not leave my room without them, which is weird to think about. But, you never know where your day will take you. As if it were my first nature, I put my Airpods in once I am out the door I start my walk to wherever the day takes me. Scrolling through my Spotify playlists I pick click on a playlist that will set my mood: usually it’s “The Greatest Showman: Reimagined” playlist because it not only is amazing, but motivates me to be my best self for the day. Starting my day off with some motivation from a few of my favorite singers, puts me in a positive mindset and ready to deal with whatever the day throws at me.

It doesn’t matter the distance of where I am walking, but I always have my Airpods in. I’ve always liked my alone time, especially when I am able to escape the craziness of my daily life and walk off whatever is bothering me. As I walk through campus, the music from my ears allows me to escape into my surroundings looking at other pupils in their daily student activities. When I sit in a Gett alone, my Airpods allow me to call or Facetime my parents or friends back in the US to talk without limiting me to be holding a phone up to my face, allowing me to take in my beautiful surroundings of Tel Aviv through the windows. Even walking down Dizengoff Street after a workout class, I am able to walk for miles without feeling as though I am alone. I am able to explore new area’s around me, shops, café’s boutiques, and bars. All these new experiences my Airpod gives me the opportunity to see Tel Aviv in a new light. 

My Airpods have become a staple in my memories in Tel Aviv. Although they not only brought me the ability to escape my surroundings and let my mind go with the music, but they gave me the ability to become an independent person. This little white box gave me the security blanket I needed to be able to go out of my comfort zone to experience all new things differently. I’ve never been one to go out of my own bubble, I used to be scared to even go to work-out classes alone. But the security of my Airpods connecting me to music, phone calls, and social media allows me to feel like I am connected to all my friends back home, never making me feel alone. Whenever I do feel alone, I look to my airpods as a way to connect me things that give me happiness. I often find myself sitting in my bed even when I am alone in a room, watching my show with my Airpods on full blast. Giving me a comforting feeling that I am not alone and I am secure. To me, Airpods are home and security even when so far away. 

Object Two:

           For my second object, I selected to write about my bracelet with my name on it written in Hebrew. The reason I decided to study abroad in Tel Aviv was to learn more knowledge about my religion and my families background. I’ve always been interested in Judaism and learning more about it being that I come from a modern religious family. We observe Shabbat, have Friday night dinners as a family, and keep a kosher household. Although I know the basics about Judaism, I wanted to know more. That is why I wanted to explore Tel Aviv when studying abroad here to learn more about who I am. 

           As I lived here the past five months, I have learned a lot about Tel Aviv through my personal experiences. Throughout these past five months, Tel Aviv has become a part of me. As I walk along the streets on the weekends, I am in awe at how religious Tel Aviv actually is. Before coming to Tel Aviv, I imagined the streets on Shabbat to be vacant for so many people would be observing the holidays. I pictured Tel Aviv in a different way, a more stereotypical way. But I was able to see with my own eyes that Tel Aviv is not what I believed. As I walk the streets of Dizengoff, people are talking with one another, drinking, eating, talking on their phone and birding up and down the streets. With so much commotion going on it creates excitement in me, wanting me to stay here and live amongst them. 

           However, in these past five months I was given the opportunity to explore many more places in Israel. Granted the experiencing to observe Shabbat in Tzfat, I saw Israel in a new way.  As I took a tour throughout Tzfat on Saturday, I was asked to not bring my cellphone because the neighborhood was more observant than others. I was more than happy to leave my cell phone back at the hostel to be able to allow myself to experience this special Shabbat in such a Holy place. As I walked through the neighborhood I walked by many families dressed up to observe Shabbat, no form of technology in site. Walking with their families in a proper manner saying, ‘Shabbat Shalom’ to everyone they pass. 

This distinct dissimilarity in the way in which families in Israel live is drastically different. It is crazy to think how in different cities of Israel that observe Judaism differently. As I look back on this trip, I am surprised at the lifestyle here but I am consumed by how interesting it is. 

Tel Aviv is this amazing place filled with so many people coming together, everyone observing Judaism the way they want to. That is why this bracelet is an important object to me, for it allows me to remember my weekend spent in Tzfat and how I saw Israel in a different way. When I look down at my wrist I look at my name on my bracelet and feel a sense of pride. I have learned so much about myself and of Judaism in these past few months. I am happy to see myself for who I really am and my religion.