#Went on some tangents

[wikitpowers]

I’d love to know what other fandoms your in <3

OKAY SO! tsc is my extreme hyperfixation now and has been for a while (and honestly will probably be for a long time let’s not kid ourselves), so i don’t really follow along with my other fandoms as much but i will tell u what other things i love!!!

honestly currently i am obsessing, and i mean obsessing with a capital O, over maja’s (@mayaheronthorn <3) ya book series called ‘dolina bezkrwi’ which is loosely translated as ‘bloodless valley’! and it’s SO good and i can’t wait until this woman becomes a published author and ya’ll can read it yourselves bc holy hell!!! this series has pirates, princes, mutual pining, enemies to lovers plotlines, epic locations and scary as hell monsters mixed with super adorable platonic friendships that just make you [shivers] it’s just so amazing ugh

but other than that masterpiece, i also adore the marauders, pjo, captive prince (& dark rise!) series! and i was in love with supernatural back in the day and it’s been way too long since my rewatch :(

[mossymandibles]

What's gender affirming care like on hallowed carrion?

Good question, it can be a little wild west out there, even just with regular hospice/holistic care, depending on where you’re at and which species or community you belong to. I’d say on Mors Astra (name of the planet), sexuality and gender expression can be as eclectic and varied as most animals/humans irl….Um, I guess I’m going to info dump about my individual trans characters and their experiences as well as how some of the main species would view it over all and hope that it answers your question. I’ll also be creating other sophont species that could have different views on things so there’s that too.

Also content warning ahead for forms of transphobia and gender dysmorphia topics.

For the Myce I’d say for the most part getting something like a cosmetic change is no biggie to them, as they don’t tend to have strict guidelines for gender expression. It probably wouldn’t go as in depth as it does with mammalians, surgically and medication wise. Their nerves and vessels grow back easier and such. Even their genitalia is strictly geared towards pleasure, like a miniature sexual mycorrhizal network of nerve endings. There’s no sperm or eggs involved. Their genitals may go by human guild lines in terms of appearance, but they can get pretty wild looking. I haven’t quite thought it through entirely just yet but I guess they might have their own form of T and E, if they cosmetically wanted breasts or a more phallic attachment, etc. I feel like they’d go more along the route of genetic expression rather than hormones though. There isn’t really a huge societal rift between who expresses themselves as feminine, masculine, etc. (although there could always be some strange cults and eccentrics out there!) I’d say to them it’s more important that you look conventionally humanoid. If you’re a bloom face (like Heidi), or have a tail/ horns or look more ‘animalistic’ and ‘othered’ for that matter, you’re more likely to face some stigma in certain regions populated by Myce. This derives from early on when the Myce were first coming into being. They were called changelings, ‘faefolk’, fairies, etc, and caused a lot of widespread fear and misconceptions. They associate such terms with being considered monstrous, diseased, etc.

They don’t reproduce like mammals, as they technically aren’t mammals, so luckily for them natal affairs and giving birth aren’t tied to any specific gender and are entirely up to the individuals who want to go that route.

*takes another deep breath*

In the case of Vveashuls, I think they’re a little more ‘traditional’ so to speak. (Tbh I think I’ve ended up expressing some deep seated frustrations with what I’m surrounded by everyday in them, oops! No fault of the Vveashuls ofc.)

With Vveashuls, many pockets of them tend to put a lot of value in procreation, having several kids, being able to breastfeed them on your own, etc. One should always put the family first.

In the past, while they lived on Zenith as one species, having litters and as many healthy kits as possible meant their survival. Often times their young would be culled by the Furies in order to keep their numbers down and keep them under control. Mind, not ALL Furies kept Vveashuls in servitude, just certain rooks.

Where they’re out from under the Furies control now, they hold pride in keeping big families, staying together, the next generation raised by the previous, etc.. A lone Vveashul is seen as strange, or that something is wrong with them. In the modern day, this creates a lot of pressures.

In Jago’s case, he grew up in a town of very traditional views; the idea of a Vveashul that can get pregnant getting rid of their breasts or their ability to give birth/ taking hormones was unheard of or seen as a selfish act of self mutilation. Males transitioning to females were seen as ‘useless’ or strange pretenders. Even just starting out, his family was very small, just him and his father.

Jago didn’t even really know what felt ‘off’ about himself until he met Kraw, Titus, Mayv and her crew. Puberty only made it more painfully obvious. Once he was old enough and sure of himself (this was after he and Kraw had parted ways the first time) It was very difficult for him to get any kind of treatment for such things geared towards his kind, even in Ladder occupied cities. He had to go under the table for most of his surgeries and medications, which put him in many dangerous situations. With his primary breasts still intact, he still feels like he’s not where he wants to be. The fact that the last surgeon to remove his secondary ones left him with obvious scars is frustrating as well. The whole process had just exhausted him overall. So he focused more on work.

On top of taking hormones, he would often have to take suppressors (yeah, those.) otherwise he’d go into heat and get all swollen and sensitive (it’s also fairly normal for female Vveashuls to take suppressors lest they deal with going into heat in day to day life, which can be very inconvenient in the modern day.)

He absolutely hates how he gets without the suppressors, as it only adds to his dysmorphia.

He’d occasionally have to deal with his old work mates making fun of him about it. They referred to him as a male, sure, but he still felt like they saw him as playing pretend. They would make comments like “oohh you’re grumpy today, are you off your meds?” Where they were mostly Myce, they didn’t deal with the average hang ups of mammalian sophonts and usually found it strange or funny.

Jago wants to be completely severed from the idea of having and mothering kids, the expectations of female Vveashuls, etc. I’d go as far as to say he’s had legitimate tokophobia his entire life. But he’s feels somewhat apprehensive of further surgeries for the time being, at least until he finds someone trustworthy and experienced. Who knows! He might find one in Marrowtide.

*deep breath*

THANKFULLY, where he lives now with Kraw and the others in Marrowtide, he’s in a MUCH more accepting/progressive environment, so I’d say that definitely helps him with the dysmorphia and anxieties of how his body looks. Despite being intimidated by Sylvaine, he gladly take his hormones and suppressors from her, where she also supplies them for Kraw in order to temporarily stave off his occasional ‘rut’ aggression (they’re almost like a birth control). Even other Vveashuls in Marrowtide wouldn’t care that Jago’s gotten surgery. Most of them probably escaped to Marrowtide in order to get away from stifling environments as well.

Disclaimer ofc: I don’t see having kids/ a big family etc as inherently stifling or negative by any means, I’m only referring to harmful beliefs and pressures that may come from growing up in a family with very controlling traditional viewpoints.

In Durja’s case, pockets of Fury cultures vary from rook to rook (‘rook’ being similar to a clan). Most are matriarchal. Durja herself was a sentry and the occasional personal concubine for the ‘Crowned Matron’ at the time (matriarchal leader of the rook). They don’t really perceive being trans, only caring that you are strong and tactical. Though, I’d say if you were looking to transition to female it would be very dangerous, as most of the females would take that as a challenge. In that same way a female transitioning to a male might be seen as weak. Within the Furies species, most of the time the females are bigger, stronger and tend to be more aggressive, even possessing pseudo-penises. They’re also polygamous.

I’d say she’s gotten most of her ideas of what she wants for herself by having watched Sylvaine in relationships for a while, thus deciding she wanted to be loved romantically in such a manner rather than the usual domineering way she had been used to. Taking in the strengths she’d see among the female Furies and she’s got her own image she’s made for how she presents herself.

She hasn’t personally dealt with any type of body dysmorphia and wasn’t interested in taking hormones from Sylvaine despite her offering, deciding she was fine with herself. (In fact, having a noticeable bulge as a female would be seen as desirable among Furies and Sylvaine definitely doesn’t complain).

Anyway, I hope that gives some insight for how it may be in some regions of Mors Astra. I think I just like to imagine animal hierarchies applied to creatures with human intelligence is all idk lol.

[amethystina]

I'm waiting so excitedly for your updates, old and new, I can't begin to tell you! You are the fandom treasure! And as I'm waiting and biting my nails I wanted to ask something, what do you think about the final scenes of episode 8 where Gaon has dinner with his professor and tells him he chooses Yohan's side. How come Yohan knew where to find them and the precise moment to come in and pick Gaon up, was he following them or did he and Gaon had a deal?

And what's with leaving his car to stand next to Gain and look at professor? I love this scene so much but I don't know if I understand its message right. Was it posturing, laying a claim on Gaon or what? I tend to feel that Yohan was possessive of Gaon when it came to professor and his police friend and I think I feel some of it in this scene but I'm not sure, I just don't have a clear grasp on it. Would love to know your thoughts!

Aww, thank you so much, sweetheart! This is definitely the first time I've been called not just a fandom treasure, but the fandom treasure. Thank you 💜

Ah yes, the "Ga On runs off with his new sugar daddy" scene. Or, as I sometimes like to call it, the "You just don't understand, dad professor — I love him" scene.

I'm joking, obviously.

(... or am I?)

I would say that Ga On and Yo Han made an agreement beforehand, yes. They probably talked about Ga On's choice to switch sides and while Yo Han would no doubt have loved for Ga On to continue on as a double agent (feeding Professor Min intentionally faulty information) Ga On is way too honest for that. So he probably insisted that, no, he'll call Professor Min, meet up with him, and just flat out tell him that Ga On's spying mission is over. He's now going to elope work with Yo Han instead.

And I find it hilarious to think that, most likely, Yo Han was just sitting in his car, perhaps scrolling through his phone, waiting for his newly acquired sugar baby to finish telling his semi-father figure that he's going dark side. Because Ga On gets up and starts walking before Yo Han drives up, meaning that it's not like Ga On saw the car coming and went "oh, better wrap this up now." It was probably the other way around, where Ga On leaving the table was the signal for Yo Han to come pick him up.

So yes, they definitely had an agreement, especially since Ga On seems to know in exactly which direction to walk, even before the car shows up, and doesn't look the least bit surprised by Yo Han's arrival.

They planned that shit.

Brutal.

As for the fact that Yo Han gets out of the car? Well, buckle up, my darlings, because I think we should take a detour to discuss intent.

Now, intent isn't necessarily important when you want to interpret a scene, but I like the extra nuance it can offer. And by intent, I mean what the scriptwriter/director might have intended with a scene. Why is this scene here? What was the plan behind it? How is it supposed to impact the overall story? How does it tie into the rest of the plot?

Which is never something you can say for sure, of course, unless there are interviews expressly stating it, but, a lot of the time, we can guess.

The intent behind this scene, in its simplest, purest form, is to show that Ga On is switching sides. And, with that in mind, it makes sense that he crosses that road to Yo Han's car (if you know me and my metas, you know how much I love lines, characters crossing said lines, and the symbolism of that) and stops to stand next to Yo Han. It's a very simple yet effective way to show Ga On's choice and where it will take him.

Into Yo Han's arms.

NOW. Intent is very useful because, depending on how skilled the person writing is, you can hide a lot of subtext and leave room for a lot of interpretation with a cleverly formulated intent. That's how censored shows get away with so much, because they can point to the perfectly reasonable, heteronormative intent behind a scene and pretend that there aren't also a lot of subtler nuances to the reading.

And, if they're extra bold, they also add hints in the presentation and execution.

The scene where Yo Han invites Sun Ah to the house is a perfect example of this, where the intent is to make her feel lonely, like an outsider, as she's invited to observe this warm, comfortable family. Not a bad tactic as far as manipulation goes, I have to say. So, in other words, very reasonable intent — makes sense with what they're trying to achieve.

The fact that it ends up looking more like Yo Han is proudly showing off his doting, doe-eyed househusband who's passively-aggressively and not-so-discreetly staking his claim is... well, that's just an accidental side effect, isn't it? Not intent at all.

And that's true. It's not intent that makes it look gay.

It's the presentation of the intent.

(Sidenote: To be a fly on the wall when Yo Han and Ga On came up with this strategy. Because, clearly, they were both in on it and, I mean, how did that conversation go? Inquiring minds need to know.

Like, how did they go from: "We need to throw her off balance. We'll invite her to the house, show what she's missing out on, but also give her hints that she could have it all, if she's willing to surrender" to Ga On going: "I'll cook a fancy dinner. That'll make her jealous."

I mean, he's not wrong but, like, Mr. Sugar Baby. What? x'D

Also, imagine Yo Han's face. Transcendent.)

Anyway. Intent can also ruin a story. I think most of us have read a fanfic and gone: "... that character wouldn't do that. This makes no sense." That could be a sign that the author's intent is clashing with the characters or the story they're trying to tell. Or, put more bluntly, that the author is so focused on forcing an idea that they don't realise that they're going against the logic of the story or characters' personalities. Things happen because they want them to, not because it makes sense, meaning that the intent isn't tied to the story or characters, but what the writer wants. This is badly planned intent.

And, most of the time, readers can tell when the intent is off, even if you might not be able to put your finger on it while you're reading. But if you're feeling a niggling doubt at the back of your mind, wondering why this scene is here, what this scene even means, or why this character suddenly seems to act so strangely, it could be that the writer didn't plan it well enough.

That's not to say that a reader must always know the intent behind a scene. Ideally, the story should be good enough that they don't have to stop and think about things like that. If the intent and internal logic are sound enough, it should just flow naturally.

Because, when it comes down to it, pretty much all scenes in a story have an intent and that intent should be in harmony with the characters' personalities and how they would choose to behave. And I don't mean that there can never be conflict or that characters can't disagree — I mean that all scenes should have a reason for being there. It doesn't have to be a deep or complex reason, but there should be a reason that ties into the overarching plotline. And characters shouldn't be forced into a scene they have no business being in. Intent is very important from a crafting standpoint.

And intent is one of the things that makes The Devil Judge such an absolute joy. Because while there is always a perfectly reasonable — and very heterosexual, we promise — intent behind most scenes, they often choose to present the scenes in a way that leaves room for a much queerer reading. Now, that can happen with almost any story, but what sets The Devil Judge apart is that it seems to be entirely intentional.

The presentation is by no means subtle or accidental.

Like, they didn't have to make Ga On shuffle up in a soft, comfortable sweater and greet Sun Ah like a caring househusband, but they did. That was a conscious choice.

And this scene you mention, with Yo Han getting out of his car when he's picking Ga On up, falls into a similar category in my mind. The surface-level intent is clear — show that Ga On is switching sides — but he could simply have said so. He could have borrowed a car and driven himself. Yo Han didn't have to come pick him up. And he certainly didn't have to get out of the car.

But he did.

And that might be what you're picking up on when you're saying that you're not sure if you're understanding the message correctly. Because in a drama this clever, that puts so much effort into details and, again, intent, it feels almost a bit odd to leave this gaping hole, doesn't it? Yo Han stepping out of that car should mean something, right?

And, once you've gotten this far, you've got a couple of options to choose from to fill in the blanks. Either you can assume that it was just something the creators chose to do because it looked/seemed cool and therefore might not mean much at all. And considering that this drama does that a couple of times, this could honestly be the case. Maybe they just thought it would be more effective to have Yo Han to step out of the car? To really hammer it home to Professor Min what's happening?

Your other option is to bring in the harmonisation between intent and characters. Because, if the writer is good and their characters consistent, you should be able to pick up on secondary layers of intent, running parallel with the main one. Because while each scene has an intent, each character IN that scene also has one (though perhaps it would be more comfortable to call it purpose at this point?).

In other words: If "it looked cool" isn't the answer, could we find it in the character's behaviour instead? What is their intent, based on their personalities and previous actions? Does that give a more satisfying answer?

What reason would Mr. Kang "Abyss" Yo Han have for stepping out of that car?

I, personally, think that the answer is pretty simple.

He is absofuckinglutely staking a claim.

He's stepping out of that car because he's a Possessive, Dramatic Bitch and wants to rub it in Professor Min's face. He wants to show that he's won, that he's turned the spy Professor Min sent, and that he's, quite literally, taking Ga On away.

Yo Han is basically going: "Thanks for the sugar baby — I'll make sure to ravish savour treasure him."

So while the main goal of that scene is to establish that Ga On is switching sides, the intent Yo Han adds with his actions leaves room for a very gay reading. In fact, I'd argue that doing so only makes the scene more believable, since Yo Han's actions are otherwise kind of... unnecessary? He has no reason to step out of the car and make himself known, unless it's for the dramah.

Again, the presentation of the intent is where the magic happens.

So, why this long, godawful rant about intent, you ask? When I could just have answered the question right away?

Because while I know that I'm preaching to the choir in terms of this drama being gay as hell, I just want to highlight the importance of intent and how it can change the reading of a scene. I think intent — or specifically the harmony between characters and intent, and the various layers of intent — is absolutely fascinating, especially in this drama.

Especially if you want to argue that it's gay.

Because there is, in fact, some scenes where I just... I can't. The intent and characterisation don't match at all — unless you add a queer element. Like, this drama is so clever. Not perfect, mind you, but so clever. And so careful with especially Yo Han and Ga On's characterisation. Very little is left to chance.

And so, if you keep everything I've said about intent and characters in mind, and I ask you to explain the intent behind this one, singular shot, can you do so without making it gay?

I'm not joking when I say that this scene, right here, was the one that definitively made me go "oh fuck, this is gay gay."

Because in most others — if not all — I can find that safe surface-level intent which means that the people behind this drama can claim plausible deniability. Of course it's not gay! Look at this perfectly reasonable, heterosexual intent!

Except this one.

There's no explanation for this. Ga On has no reason to look this jealous unless his jealousy is the main intent behind this shot. There just isn't. And it's only made worse by his huff and the way he clenches his jaw a couple of seconds later. Not even the argument that Sun Ah is their enemy so letting her fix Yo Han's tie might be dangerous can justify this, since that's not a look of concern or alarm — that's jealousy.

The intent is jealousy. Plain and simple.

And that's why intent is important. Because, if push came to shove, the intent behind this one, singular screenshot could, theoretically, be the only evidence you need if you wanted to defend a queer reading of this drama.

Because there is, quite frankly — in my humble opinion as the fandom treasure — no other way to explain the look on his face in a drama this meticulous and obsessed with details.

In this scene, unlike all the others, the queerness isn't just in the presentation anymore — it's in both the intent and presentation.

So, if you want the scene that says "this shit's gay, fam"?

This is the one.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[sciderman]

Sometimes i remember a comics moment i randomly came across somewhere, where Sam Wilson mentiones a musical and Steve Rodgers says he doesn't like musicals, to whitch Sam goes "Guess that means you really are straight" and even tho i don't care about Cap America or the Avengers, the moment stuck in me for that quote by Sam. And like....Sci, any ideas if straight men actually don't like musicals or is that bullshit?

actually i think i know more gay men who hate musicals than i know straight men who hate musicals. i've had a drag queen stop me point blank when i was about to sing a barbra streisand song, and i know so many gays who pointedly hate abba. so based on my experience i think the inverse is true. most of the straight men i know are kind of impartial about musicals, but gay men? hate.

my theory is that a lot of gay men don't want to fall into stereotypes, maybe. but thaaaaat's just a theory! a gay theory.

[imminent-danger-came]

Ok- so I recognize that this is a stretch but:

"You heard a story about a guy who had everything, who never had to work for anything, and thought you were the other guy?"

Mei: Has always had a family, has a rich history, also literally rich, doesn’t seem to have a job (possibly an influencer? Not sure), never struggled/needed training with her dragon powers (that I can remember at least)

MK: Doesn’t have a blood family/Didn‘t originally have a family, someone with no past, not necessarily poor- but by no means wealthy, works as a delivery boy, struggles with his powers on a regular basis (emotionally and literally)

LOOK ANON YOU'RE NOT WRONG.

"I don't have a family—I don't have anything."

I think one thing pre-s4 that really set off my theory-ometer is the fact that MK, for the first 3 seasons, does not have a single flashback or implication of past history. We see child Mei in 1x03, Pigsy has those photos on his wall in 2x04, Tang "met [Pigsy's] parents", Sandy has flashbacks to whatever war he was a part of in 2x08. Wukong and DBK and LBD have flashbacks. And MK, despite being the main character, does not get anything of the sort until 4x06—and even then it's him struggling to recall his own childhood. Like, MK truly is a paradigm of that "no past, no family, and no name" description we get from Scroll Subodhi.

All this to say that Mei's (and by extension the rest of the gang's) "rich history" v.s. MK's "no past" intrigues me to know end. Like, let's look at this scene from 3x09:

Mei: "Does anyone else feel like- " Sandy: "-we've been here before? Yeah, it's weird right? But I know I haven't." Tang: "Me neither. And yet this places feels so familiar!"

MK: "Nope! Not me man—this is all new to me!"

-

And let's also set it right beside this scene from 4x05:

MK: "I wonder when we're gonna meet my ancestor." Mei: "I thought Monkey King was your dad!" MK: "He's not my dad—Pigsy's my dad." Pigsy: "Uh, kid? I'm not exactly yer uh..."

-

So, MK clearly isn't connected to anyone who was there to seal the Samadhi Fire, and we don't meet an "ancestor" in the scroll for MK like we do for everyone else, but you know who we do meet?

HM.

We go from "I wonder when we're gonna meet my ancestor" in 4x05 to "A simple creature, with no past, no family, and no name" in 4x06 to meeting Curse MK in 4x07, to MK saying that he doesn't "have a family—[he] doesn't have anything" in 4x08. Those sure are some dots.

[eerna]

TLT is like “yeah I hate this trope but not in this case in this case it is amazing and showstopping and I can’t imagine the books without it”. meme references. naturally purple eyes. foul language. 98% of romances are messed up. delicious

[maxthesillyy]

average tumblr user reading comprehension so bad you can literally edit your post to clarify what you meant as clearly as possible and people will still think you meant the other thing

[kirkwallguy]

i think the reason why morrigan and anders' romances work for me and solas' doesn't is like... okay, romancing the first two will probably give you an emotional investment in their "twist" and you'll probably interpret it differently. but if you DON'T romance them you're not getting a worse experience. with solas i feel like i've missed out on emotional beats for my dalish inquisitor

[tcfactory]

*screams about mobei's mom* *calms down*

Omg, when sqh and mbj marry... Who's going to pay for that wedding?

Probably Mobei, tbh. Even if they stop hiding that they are courting much earlier, I don't think they would commit to the wedding until Mobei-jun is the king. And him taking his first (and most likely only) spouse is going to be a huge event for the entire demon realm, them tagging a human-compatible second party onto the proceedings (that nonetheless will make everyone, even Huan Hua Palace green with envy) won't even show up as a meaningful expense on the event budget, because Mobei is just That Important to the north

The way I came up with Mobei's mom for this story started with trying to figure out how Mobei can be number 2 epic OP mofo (author's favorite blorbo edition) while not directly threatening Binghe (Bingge) in their usual setting. Other than, you know, being the loyal sort who wouldn't attack Binghe unless Binghe attacked him first, thus betraying the agreement between them. In some of my original stories, I have something I call 'conditional divinity', where something can have god-like powers, but only under certain circumstances. In this case, Mobei's mom is a primordial god, but only when she's in her natural environment in the Endless Abyss. Her leaving the depth of the Abyss and living on a decidedly more material and stable plane puts her roughly in the same category of being as a heavenly demon, because she had to be significantly diminished to make it work.

So Mobei can be considered a very similar kind of being to Binghe, with the caveat that his power is a lot more tied up in the Abyss. If they fight in the demon or human realm, Binghe wins because he doesn't have a condition on his power. If they fought in the Abyss or near a suitably large abyssal vent, then Mobei would win - but Binghe will never go back to the Abyss of his own volition and with Xin Mo in hand he can't be kept in there even if someone were to throw him in, so...

[littlekingbergara]

Having some “Ryan & Shane aren’t really friends” demons which I know is stupid and parasocial and like not born out by the literally all the evidence that we have but I can’t help it sometimes. 😭 I just rly love their dynamic on screen, I hope it’s similar off screen.

oh those ARE demons!! they are Best Friends!!! a huge reason their onscreen dynamic is the way it is is Because they're Like That offscreen. you can fake a lot while making content but the kind of easy chemistry they have and the way they joke with and poke fun at and just talk to each other... you Cannot fake that. AND what we see is most often a Toned Down version of who they are off camera so i have to believe the bestieism is even more than we know.

also the first mystery files debrief when ryan legitimately could not think of Anyone he would be able trust on a bank heist Except For Shane. like yeah that was a jokey scenario but it means something that he believes shane is the Only person he can trust would not turn on him in a high stakes situation. like... ryan threatened to kill shane earlier in the episode he Did Not need to turn around and be that sincere. that's real.

ALSO also reading the interviews they did for ghost files and mystery files and seeing them in other people's content (shoutout my fav trypod episode) it's soo clear in the way they speak to and about each other that they really do love each other and working with each other and they make each other better creators.

and! shane was in ryan's wedding!!! his wedding that yes was published in a magazine but was not publicized in a way that matters for their brand. if they were just trying to push some fake friendship image they Absolutely would have taken advantage of that.

[flowersandfashion]

Can I just say, I was a little concerned when your blog showed up in my recs, since most blogs with this aesthetic are tradfem-y, but I actually really like your blog, and I’m glad you’re open-minded and not mean! You can never judge a book by its cover, I guess. Sometimes people with really fem aesthetics just love pink, and hate outdated gender stereotypes just as much as those of us with toxic-sludge-green blog themes. Even though we have very different aesthetics, that doesn’t mean you’re evil or anything, it just means we find beauty in different things, and I think that’s neat.

…Sorry this is so rambly. I’ll be on my way.

Hi! thank you for saying that, I really appreciate it. It is very disheartening how many fem aesthetic blogs are just romanticising binary gender roles, but fret not! some of us do just love pink 💗

That being said, I often worry that I'm not doing enough to distance my blog from the bigoted ideologies that are all too common in these spaces, so I'm glad for an opportunity to talk about it more.

It would be incredibly ignorant to pretend that this genre of aesthetic exists in a vacuum, separate from the very conservative, heteronormative culture that created it. I think the least I can do is acknowledge that context and make it clear that I'm appropriating this hyper-feminine ideal in an ironic, if not subversive way.

To me, that is the foundation of femme lesbian identity, to reclaim symbols of femininity that have been enforced by the patriarchy purely because I want to. I highly recommend Eleanor Medhurst (Dressing Dykes)'s essay on the subject:

"the role which has been used to oppress must be reclaimed and taken on deliberately, without the permission and the satisfaction of the oppressor. In the case of pink and lesbian identity, this means to wear pink only for oneself; if a person has ownership of the constraints they were previously kept in, those constraints can’t be used against them."

Of course, this isn't to say that conforming to gender roles is in any way as transgressive as defying them. I present a version of womanhood that society deems 'acceptable' (and straight-passing) and that gives me a hell of a lot privilege in my life.

Anyway, pink cottagecore aesthetic blogs and toxic sludge green blogs are holding hands <3

[kayzero]

Quark’s Dreamlike Defibrillation Drabble

You’re sleeping.

Nothing else makes sense.

“Clear.”

Yeah, why else would you feel your heartbeat so clearly? So strong that it’s a little bit painful, beating so heavily that it leaves achey little aftershocks in your chest after every pulse. Thundering and powerful, like you’ve received a shock of lightning from the king of gods himself.

But you only just learned of gods, of Zeus, of Olympus. It was a brand new story from a brand new book—not a super old book from Before, but something totally new. Something made just for you.

It was better than that one book that con artist tried to trick you with—that thing was super old and super thick, yeah, and normally you like that kinda stuff, but only ‘cause you like stories, and people have only barely started writing good stories again, just like people have only started having kids again.

The guy said that it was like a thousand stories in one book, that the book was only falling apart since it was so long and so old, and obviously it was worth a whole bunch just because it was a… it was… an ant-fall-chief…?

“Anthology?”

It was a stupid word, you just started calling it a book-book, ‘cause it was a book full of books, Grandpa said it had full stories instead of chapters!

Grandpa is dead.

…No, he isn’t…

“…”

Yeah… he just got you the best Christmas present ever, just last month. That con artist jerk wanted to sell you the book-book for half of that day’s scavenge, and it was a really really good day of scavenging too! He didn’t even do any work himself, and there wasn’t anything wrong with him either, ‘cause he had to run to catch up with you, and he wasn’t even puffing afterwards, and he had to carry that stupid book with both arms ‘cause that’s how bad it was falling apart.

He just wanted a bunch of your stuff for nothing, nothing but a stupid book that maybe you were a little bit interested in, sure, but you’re not stupid like he musta been, and you told him so and you walked away, pulling your smaller part of the haul while Grandpa pushed his heavier cart behind you.

Grandpa is dead.

It jolts you like a second thunderbolt, it must have gone from your chest up to your brain, because your lungs catch and your nose hurts and your face feels wet. It feels like you’re crying, which reinforces the idea that you’re dreaming, because you were crying on that day too, after you told that con artist off, because you really really did want that book, but you needed supplies more, and your scavenge was so big that Grandpa had to make three trips to trade it all.

You have to be dreaming because he can’t be dead like your brain is trying to tell you, because he wouldn’t leave you alone. Even when you thought you were alone and you it was safe to cry because you really wanted the book full of books, he must have still been there because he knew, and the very next month on Christmas Day he gave you your own story book.

Your book was brand new, made just for you. Every chapter was for a different group of gods from different religions that didn’t worship Brother and Radical-6, and every page had a different god, with their own description and summary and a few fun facts and a list of ‘Myths’, which were all super awesome stories that could be told verbally, so they didn’t take up space and make the book super huge so it would never fall apart.

Every night before bed, you could pick out a new Myth, like how Zeus saved the Olympians and became the King of the Gods, and Grandpa would tell you the story, and it would be the last thing you heard before you fell asleep, which was way better than just reading them.

Grandpa is dead.

The thought thunders through your head, another shock to your system, another bolt from the divide… No…? The defied? Delight? Dim light…?

“Divine...”

Divine. Dih v-eye nn. Godly, or of godlike quality. A new word that you just learned from your new book that you just got for Christmas just last week. Why would you use a new word you only just heard, or think about a king you only just read about, or feel your heart beat way too strong in the wrong part of your chest, direct center of your chest, the middle of your body, perfectly aligned to receive and deliver blood everywhere evenly, except every diagram ever says that it should be somewhere off to the left, between your lung and your ribs.

Painful heartbeat, impossibly centered, painful thoughts, impossibly overpowering.

But anything is possible in a dream.

So you let the distressing thought wash away, dream that it gets pushed down your bloodstream with every beat of your thundering heart, and watch it get smaller and smaller as it slowly disappears, along with the last of your divine tingles.

…You wonder if there are any gods of sleep.

Probably, right?

After you wake up, you’ll look in your book and ask grandpa—

Grandpa is dead.

—when the nightmare is finally gone.

[fortheturnstiles]

had an absolute whirlwind of an afternoon in class today finding out my film professor is not only a neil young fan but a monkees fan. and like a real die hard michael nesmith guy . isn’t that wild. and i never would have known if i hadn’t brought up the monkees in a conversation that was not about them because i’m a crazy person. he also brought up chrome dreams which completely sent me into the stratosphere i just love music and i love people who love music and that we can share that together as people . isn’t it wonderful. that’s why we’re all here isn’t it

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part three)

This is my favorite part of this whole thing. I haven't written it yet, that's literally the opening line, but here I'll be talking about one of the most interesting (to me) aspects of Ivan's character: how the other characters perceive him; I already know I'll be having a blast writing this. Internal vs external perception is probably my favorite topic when it comes to character study, so I was thinking of doing something similar for Dmitri as well in the future because I noticed some things that I want to talk about. I'll think about it.

For once I don't have to make an introduction where I explain what I'll be going over in this because there's none to be made, so let's start from the beginning. The first time we see Ivan is when they're all waiting for Dmitri at the beginning of the book, and what does he do? He takes the piss out of everyone, of course. And I think that in everything that happens there and in the following passages (I was particularly struck by Father Zosima's words about him, which I've already mentioned in here) we pretty much have the key to Ivan's character, and he doesn't even give it to us himself (very fitting indeed). The first thing we find out is that Alyosha is afraid Ivan will be condescending towards the monks and while Ivan technically isn't, he still adopts a subtly mocking tone with them, which checks out considering that Miusov says Ivan feigns arrogance to mask his own insecurity. Also it's very telling that Ivan's demeanor changes when it comes to Zosima, I feel like he actually does respect him and to some extent appreciates his words. Funnily enough I've found myself in a similar situation in the past (atheist surrounded by nuns, my family was there, they told me some things I appreciated; I wasn't making fun of anyone though I swear) so I get it.

Speaking of words, there are many used for him in those chapters, and there are even more as the novel goes on, brushstroke after brushstroke painting a rather confusing and contradictory picture of this young man: he's bright yet insecure and "a tomb", he's weird and a misunderstood outcast in his own family yet he's charming (said by multiple characters in multiple occasions, I think it's the word that's used the most to describe him) and refined, yet again eccentric. He's paradoxical and a riddle (another word used multiple times), and his own father fears him more than he fears the son who almost beat him to death and at first I couldn't understand why, considering everyone else's opinion of Ivan and the fact that Ivan actually helped get Dmitri off of their father when he was beating him, but then I went back to Book Two and stumbled upon a line that managed to completely go over my head in the past (how could that happen? God, the horror!) that does explain a lot and looking back now, to me feels like one of the most important lines (about Ivan) of the whole novel:

What seemed to [Aleksej] strangest of all was that his brother Ivan, [...] who alone had such influence on his father that he could have stopped him [...]

I don't think I need to explain why I think this line (that you can find in The old buffoon for context) is crucial so I won't say much about it, but it also explains why Ivan's presence in the Karamazov household is seen as a guarantee for quiet and order (as stated during Dmitri's trial, and we also see it in the fact that both Dmitri and Pavel had in mind to murder Fyodor only if Ivan had been out of the picture, though for different reasons), and honestly it surprised me: I mean, Ivan's influence over other people plays a very important role in the story, but him having influence over his father? Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov? Wow. Also I have something else to say about the quiet and order thing but it belongs in part four.

The rest of that line is also interesting in my opinion:

[...] [Ivan] sat now quite unmoved, with downcast eyes, apparently waiting with interest to see how it would end, as though he had nothing to do with it.

This, maybe trivial, line never really left my head, which means it must mean something to me. Maybe because that behaviour fits Ivan's character so well and I always like when he gets to act like a normal, unbothered, and even childish at times, twenty-three year old (he's not even angry there, what a rare occurrence) and because according to how the other characters speak of him, it feels unexpected (and turned out to be useful for this post).

Back to how others speak of him, someone (Fyodor I think) goes as far as saying that maybe Ivan deliberately seeks torment, which honestly feels a little too familiar to me and that's why that's another line I can't seem to get out of my head; when people have such a high opinion of you they do tend to blame your own struggle on you, at least in my experience, as it's their only way of rationalizing it. You should be better than that, you should be smarter than that. But you're not, so maybe you actually want it; why would such a brilliant person be like that otherwise? You're not allowed to be "weak" and I think Ivan is a perfect example of this as he has internalized this concept, but I'll go over it in part four.

But what does all this have to do with bipolar disorder? I'm getting there, but you'll have to bear with me because this whole thing gets quite intricated at this point and I have to be as clear as I can (and I can't, ever), so let's take a seemingly nonsensical step back to see the bigger picture.

None of the brothers are stupid: Dmitri is naive, impulsive and uneducated, sure, but the narrator does describe him as a fairly intelligent man in spite of it, Pavel was basically a child prodigy and a very smart young adult (and maybe I should talk about it sometime because everyone in the novel considers him to be capable but stupid and there's only one person who explicitly recognizes his intelligence in a genuine way apart from the narrator, guess who), and Aleksej, while also uneducated, isn't stupid either. But there is a particular emphasis put on Ivan's intelligence and it's hard to find a paragraph where he is present or where someone else is talking about him that doesn't mention it. Ivan is bright, Ivan is educated, Ivan is an academic. It's pretty much the first thing the other characters think of when thinking about him, it's almost some sort of morbid fixation. And it's not a positive thing either as it does nothing but feed into his insecurities and Pavel even uses it against him by telling him how intelligent he is over and over until he officially loses it. Ivan is smart to the point of being charming and admired, but that turns out to be a double-edged sword (of course) because everyone puts him on a pedestral and higher the pedestral, deadlier the fall, as we see in the second half of the novel. In my opinion the only one who seems to view him as a human being and not as some sort of ghost or higher, detached entity (apart from Zosima) is Alyosha; Dmitri considers Ivan to be better than everyone else including himself, Smerdyakov is...well, Smerdyakov, his father's attitude towards him is basically I don't understand what's up with him and I don't really care (in addition to what I said a few paragraphs ago) and even Katya is charmed by him more than she loves him, at least at first. Everyone else doesn't even really know him and that's partially his own fault, but I can't blame him.

Why do I consider this bipolar coding? To make it short, intelligent people are often considered charismatic and many psychiatric studies suggest that there's a link between bipolar disorder and high intelligence (which to me personally kind of feels like a consolation prize, like nature saying hey, you'll hate being alive but at least you're not an idiot!, thanks a lot I guess) and it's also worth mentioning that bipolar disorder is linked to creativity as well since Ivan has come up with multiple poems over the years, which means he must be a creative person to a certain degree. I haven't been citing my sources because this is not an academic paper and I'm just some guy on Tumblr who doesn't even study psychiatry and just happens to be basically cursed, but there's a book about this topic that I want to mention: Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by American psychiatrist Kay Redfield Jamison; I've also read her (very relatable) autobiography and I'm a big fan of hers since she knows what she's talking about even more than the average psychiatrist because she has bipolar disorder herself. For anecdotal evidence, I keep a mental list of historical figures and artists (including contemporaries/celebrities who are still alive) diagnosed with bipolar disorder (so if you ever want to know if someone has/had it hit me up I guess) that I won't include here for obvious reasons, but let me just say that the doctors who did the aforementioned studies do seem to have a point (and I'm an artist myself). I want to make clear that I'm not trying to play into the overused, boring, inaccurate, and generally uncomfortable (for me at least) mentally ill tormented genius trope/stereotype and that it's obviously not what Dostoevsky was going for either; it's just that I've personally had people fixate on my intellect my whole life (not to mention the general weird fascination the average person has for mental illness and mentally ill people as well) and seeing Ivan go through that same experience combined with the studies I just mentioned made this association inevitable for me. Also people seem to find you more fun and charming when you're manic/hypomanic (only when you're the "right" kind of manic/hypomanic of course, when you're experiencing dysphoric mania/hypomania people just become ableist because that's the "wrong" kind of mania/hypomania, duh) which is...uhm...I don't really know how to feel about it honestly, but it's a fact so I'm mentioning it.

But what came first, Ivan's self-isolation or people's misunderstanding of him as a person? Is it the former that caused the latter or the other way around? To me this feels like having to talk about the good old chicken and egg dilemma and I still haven't figured it out in relation to myself, so I guess this will remain unanswered for now (or forever). But what I do know is that bipolar disorder is a lonely experience, no matter how hard someone tries to not make it lonely; people just don't get it even if you explain yourself a thousand times over and over. It doesn't mean you don't have relationships with others, it just means you know you have to keep some things to yourself sometimes and you get used to it, which seems to be Ivan's case too; to me the best example of it is when he's just about to tell Alyosha about the devil but stops himself from doing so and decides to push him away instead. In my opinion it's also connected to his inability to show "weakness" that I already mentioned and that is often one of the core experiences of living with bipolar disorder, but I won't go over that now. I'll just say the problem when it comes to Ivan is that everyone (the readers, the other characters, even himself) gets tangled in a net of performance; living with bipolar disorder feels like having to constantly keep up a certain kind of act (that I wouldn't even know how to explain) in front of others due to the stigma, and I'm pretty sure that's the case with every neurodivergence and invisible disability (bipolar disorder is in fact a disability and I'm legally disabled, that's why I mentioned ableism earlier). Ivan knows what people think and expect of him (we've seen it in his first real interaction with Alyosha and I've already talked about it in part two) and we see few moments when he goes mask off, and apart from those moments his facial expressions are always described as being forced or "off" in some other way. One thing that struck me is the significant contrast between what Mrs. Khokhlakova in particular says about him and how we actually see him behave when he doesn't bother with his forced coldness and collectedness (usually by himself or around his family): she talks about how refined and chivalrious he is multiple times because that's the side of him she sees (and almost everyone else sees), yet he's the character who swears the most (I don't know if "swearing" is the right term as in the novel there are no actual curse words in the modern sense but he doesn't really speak kindly does he); his language is even worse than Dmitri's. I'm not saying that being polite in public/formal settings and swearing like a sailor in private/informal settings is something unusual because I'm also like that (as I'm afraid you might have noticed, sorry for all the swearing!), I just wanted to point that out because to me it seems important in general and relevant for this post.

This doesn't mean I think of Ivan as a fake person because I would have to have that same opinion of myself and I don't, it's quite hard to explain if you haven't lived the bipolar experience first-hand or don't really know what masking is and I hope you'll understand what I'm trying to say here; it's just that he hides and polishes some parts of himself due to a combination of childhood emotional neglect, mental illness, and a personality that's difficult on its own (but really, when you have a disorder like this one it's quite hard to tell what's personality and what's mental illness, especially because at times they're one and the same; it shapes you and sometimes you can't even do anything about it and to me it's no surprise Ivan's sense of self is as warped as it is), all factors that contribute to his partially self-inflicted isolation. I mean, he does say himself to Alyosha that at first he kept him at a distance on purpose and you can also find a glimpse of that in his own philosophy: he openly says that he loves humanity but dislikes humans. He can only show affection from afar and I think that also reflects in the situation with Pavel and in Ivan's own guilt: I don't think Ivan lacks empathy (quite the opposite), he just doesn't have the tools to do anything with it. Could he really have done something? He says he would have if Pavel had explicitly told him to stay in their father's house (here the conversation shifts on the physical aspect of things as Ivan now feels guilty for also being physically distant from his family and not only emotionally), but Ivan's words are never really reliable. How can we expect someone who's incapable of getting close to people to help them? Even when trying to help Dmitri escape prison he's still rough with him. There's a reason why his thing with Katya is a mess as well and he refuses to admit that he loves her (he even says to Alyosha that he doesn't like her and he's with her only to prevent a catastrophe at Mitya's trial, which are later stated to be lies by the narrator): he always tries to convert his feelings into reason, otherwise his whole façade crumbles.

I also want to mention Ippolit Kirillovič's words about him at the trial because they seem very important to me, but only very briefly because first, many things he says have already been talked about in my other posts and second, it seems a little unfair to leave the other members of the family out because Ippolit Kirillovič says many interesting things about all of them; maybe I'll make a post about that in the future. Basically, Ippolit Kirillovič doesn't particularly like Ivan because he got the better of him in a couple public arguments they had in the past (very funny to me by the way), but he still prefaces his criticism of him by talking about his positive qualities (once again, his vigorous intellect and brilliant education) and saying he was welcome in their community (but not in the same way Dmitri was). This is yet another case of me not knowing where I'm going with this, but this particular instance stood out to me so it was worth mentioning; I think it summarizes the other characters' attitude towards Ivan quite well, but I can't really explain it.

Another thing that I noticed is that no one ever calls him by a nickname, not even Alyosha. I wrote a post about the use of names and nicknames in The Brothers Karamazov months ago but I hated the way it turned out because I felt like I wasn't making any sense so I decided to throw the whole thing away and I don't even know if I should try writing it again. Anyway, it's very interesting to me that pretty much everyone is referred to by a nickname (even Rakitin of all people) except for Ivan; not even Alyosha calls him anything other than his name (and if I remember correctly not even Katya, who talks to Ivan using the informal you, does). Actually, there are a couple instances where this does happen and that drives me even more insane because the first one happens at the beginning of the novel, when his father calls him Vanya a few times only to never do it again (and honestly Ivan didn't seem to like that either), and the second one is Rakitin mockingly referring to him as Vanechka when talking about him to Aleksej (because of course he'd never call Ivan that to his face and I also have a feeling he'd get decked if he tried). I don't really know where I'm going with this (again) but I wanted to throw it in anyway because it always stood out to me considering the only main characters that are never referred to like that are Fyodor, Ivan, and Smerdyakov and well, there seem to be implications here. In the aforementioned deleted post I wrote about this topic I mentioned sense of belonging (Mitya belongs there after all) and affection/connection (everyone loves Alyosha) in opposition to being excluded (Smerdyakov is not a legitimate son) and being unable to connect with others (Ivan is an outcast due to the multiple reasons I went over in the previous paragraphs). Maybe I really should try writing it again.

Well, I think I'm done for now. I found it a little hard to separate the themes of part three from the ones of part four, because the latter will focus on Ivan's self-perception (among what happens from Book Eleven to the epilogue and other, more "medical", things) but we see how he perceives himself through the devil but the devil is not an actual real person in the book so I couldn't really include that here and in my mind the themes of these two parts kind of blended together so I had to to figure out where to break them apart.

This took longer than usual (which bothers me but oh well) because I had to take a break from pretty much everything (which is why lately many posts have been queued) for a while due to the February-March period always being whacky for me bipolar-wise, mostly because of the seasonal change (something that plays a huge role in this shitshow of a disorder and something I'll go over in part four because surprise surprise) that always makes me mentally and physically tired. All of this, which can be summarized with bipolar disorder bipolar disordering, to say that I hope this part isn't as messy as it seems to me and that I hope you can't tell I wrote it during a time I wasn't getting enough sleep (I swear I did my best given the circumstances), and if I "disappear" or interact less from time to time it's usually because of this kind of stuff. I'm still not getting enough sleep by the way so I might take a break from serious posts again, I love that daylight savings time happens during one of the worst seasonal changes of the whole year for me every year and it doesn't mess with my disorder at all.

It sure didn't help that I chose to make part three more complicated than the others thinking it wouldn't go in a completely different direction than I had originally planned and wouldn't therefore have to reorganize my thoughts during a period I simply couldn't do so; I will obviously be punished for my hubris. But until then I'll be working on part four (and some other unfinished stuff I have in my drafts and have no idea when I'll post), which will be the last part of my bipolar Ivan Karamazov essay.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

dear google, how do i ask my stepfather if he was being Serious or Not about buying extra edibles and if so, can i have one-

[onejellyfishplease]

*Brings a Blood Red Fire Shrimp and puts it next to you* I brought you a friend! Now you two be nice!

(Yes, this is the Blood Red Fire Shimp. And yes they are saltwater shrimp.) :)

(Shrimp and jellyfish have a symbiotic relationship IRL.)

gASP

A FRIEND

thanm you so much!!

im gonna name him.... Charlesten <3