#You know that episode where they set the restaurant on fire and Bob's back and forth on being VERY mad

[kakusu-shipping]

I feel like Bob's Burgers is the most Proship media out there atm. Not in the sense that Problematic things happen in it, but more so on a real world level.

Like, Tina writes RPF of her real life friends, this is a thing her entire family and even some of said friends knows she does. It's erotic and covers dark topics in ways that interest her (zombies mostly). It makes Bob uncomfortable but he still encourages her to write it if it makes her happy.

Jean has repeatedly while making up stories chosen to make his mother his love interest, because he loves his mom, obviously. It's not weird. Tina thinks it's weird just a bit but still indulges him. No one tells him he can't do that.

Louise likes action, and murder, and dark plots with gritty heroes who make the wrong choices for the right reasons. She loves the idea of being an Anti-Hero in an action movie, the one who protects the innocent from the shadows and makes the tough choices. Everyone encourages her in this.

This post isn't going anywhere, I'm just sometimes hit with emotions over the Belcher parenting model

[musette22]

You Make My Heart Skip A Beet

You Make My Heart Skip a Beet

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes (Stucky)

Word count: 3.8k

Rating: Teen and Up

A/N: Based on this lovely prompt by @greyhoundsgirl​. I have to be honest here, I’ve never actually seen Top Chef though so I thought it would be safer to make up a new fictional amateur cooking competition which I’ve titled Chef Wars :p 

No warnings to speak of, apart from maybe for awful food puns, but it is a bit of a cracky piece, and it’s in Sam POV (poor guy). Hope you enjoy!! 💗 Huge thanks to the amazing @rainbowsandcoconut​ for brainstorming, food puns and awesome beta’ing, as usual 😘

Read on AO3

Summary:

“I made soda bread.”

Steve lets out the 6’2” supersoldier equivalent of a squeak. “Oh, I love soda bread,” he says eagerly, rolling forward on the balls of his feet like he does when he gets excited. “My mom used to make it all the time when I was growing up.”

The tips of Barnes’s ears turn red, and he mutters something that sounds suspiciously like, “I know.”

****************************

When Sam and Steve had first been approached about being guest judges on an Avengers-themed special of Chef Wars, they’d spent a full fifteen minutes jumping around the common room in the Tower like a pair of overgrown kids on a sugar high.

Guest judges. On Chef Wars.

It so happens that Sam and Steve watch Chef Wars religiously. In fact, Steve even mentioned this in passing in one or two of his more recent interviews when asked how Captain America likes to spend his downtime, which is probably how the show’s executives had thought to invite them in the first place.

Sam’s love for cooking and cooking shows was passed down to him by his mother Darlene, and he, in turn, passed it on to Captain America – though if you’d told ten-year-old Sam that, he would’ve thought you were nuts. Poor Steve isn’t exactly the culinary sort of guy himself, but once Sam started turning up on his doorstep three nights a week to keep him company and make sure he didn’t sink further into depression, he’d slowly started to enjoy the shows Sam insisted on watching with him. Sam figured the familiarity of the actions and the low stakes of an amateur cooking competition would be perfectly suited to someone trying to integrate into a new century, while still being just exciting enough to hold the attention of an adrenaline junkie like Steve.

And he was right. So now, every Thursday night, the two of them chill on Steve’s couch, yelling at the TV and pretending they‘d do a better job of it than the contestants. Which, to be fair, Sam probably would, but Steve decidedly would not. What Steve lacks in culinary skills, though, he more than makes up for with his crazy supersoldier metabolism, rivaled only by the Other Guy and sometimes Thor, once he’s cracked open the mead. Steve can eat, and he does so with relish.

So needless to say, when they got the invite, they’d both jumped at the chance. Who wouldn’t, when presented with the opportunity to do the thing they did every Thursday night for funsies, but this time for realsies? And after weeks of giddy anticipation, today is finally the day.

Filming day.

The whole thing had gotten off to an excellent start. The sun was shining, Steve had actually been whistling on their way to the studio instead of nervously drumming his fingers on the dashboard (something which got on Sam’s nerves like nothing else), and they’d been offered some quality Italian espresso when they arrived. The show got on the road as soon as they’d gotten a quick tour of the studio, and after lights, camera, action, the contestants were introduced one by one.

There is Bernadette, a Missouri housewife who turned out to be somewhat of a BBQ expert and who reminds Sam of his Aunt Jenna; there’s Bob, a big, burly dude from Kentucky who wouldn’t look amiss on a Pro Wrestling show but who ends up surprising them all with a surprisingly delicate edible flower-dish dedicated to his lovely wife; and Yulia, a tiny, fierce girl from Bulgaria with some mean knife skills who Sam suspects could very well be a distant relative of Natasha’s.

And then there’s Bucky Barnes.

Bucky Barnes is a thirty-one-year-old physical therapist from Brooklyn who’s looking to change careers and get into the restaurant business full time. He has that whole hipster vibe going on: long, meticulously conditioned chestnut hair in a messy top knot, designer stubble, sleeve of – admittedly awesome – tattoos on his left arm. His cool, blue eyes and sharp cheekbones give him a model-like appearance, and yet there’s something soft and disarming about him.

Steve certainly seems to think so, at least.

The moment Barnes came walking through those glass doors, Sam heard Steve suck in a sharp breath at his side. A quick glance at Steve’s slack-jawed expression told Sam all he needed to know, since the dude is about as subtle as a sledgehammer. He’d elbowed Steve in the side until he looked over and pretended to wipe some drool from the corner of his mouth. Steve’s eyes went wide as he hastily mirrored the movement, missing the joke by about fifty yards. Oh, boy.

From that moment onward, Steve’s brain seemed to have gone through a blender, turning it into a rainbow smoothie – which was pretty unfortunate, considering they were going to have to interact with the contestants in a way that was suitable for daytime television.

The thing is, Steve is not exactly what you’d call a people person at the best of times. He’s fine with someone he’s known for a while and feels comfortable with, but with strangers he’s just… a little awkward. Credit where credit’s due, Steve is one of the most loyal, sweet, funny and whip-smart guys Sam has ever known – and let’s not forget stubborn as hell – but he’s also very, very bad at social cues. It’s not his fault, of course. Steve had gone from growing up pretty isolated without any real friends to speak of, to suddenly spending years surrounded only by his army buddies, which wasn’t at all representative for how normal people interacted with each other (Sam knows this from experience).

While Steve’s many social faux-pas are an endless source of entertainment for Sam, he’s not a total asshole, and he has tried to help Steve practice his social skills. Unfortunately, giving him well-meaning advice like “just be yourself” seems to be a sure-fire way to ensure Steve will put his foot in his mouth somehow.

That’s why Steve prefers to put on his Cap persona for public interactions. When he’s Captain America instead of Steve Rogers, all he has to do is look commanding and sort of friendly and say bland things like “I’m very happy to be here” and “You did well, son” and no one would be any the wiser that beneath that righteous exterior, Steve was floundering and wondering when he could reasonably leave whatever social engagement Pepper had sweet-talked him into attending, and head home to the comfort of his armchair and his sketchbook.

For today’s engagement, Steve had wisely adopted this approach as well, and the fact that he was genuinely excited to be there helped to loosen him up a little – so really, it should’ve all been fine.

But then Bucky Barnes from Brooklyn walked into the room and turned his big, blue eyes in Steve’s direction, and Steve promptly seemed to forget who or what a Captain America even was.

So far, Steve has already missed his cue twice, and it’s taken Sam stepping on his toes to get him to focus. To be fair, though, Steve puts in a valiant effort to pull himself together, managing to ooh and aah in all the right places when talking to the other candidates – sheer dumb luck, if you ask Sam. But as Steve’s best friend and confidante, Sam sees right through it. He hasn’t missed the way Steve’s gaze keeps drifting in Barnes’ direction, and coupled with the blush creeping up the back of Steve’s neck whenever Barnes’s eyes meet his, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Cap has got himself a Manhattan-sized crush.

Now, most people probably aren’t aware that Captain America is also attracted to men, but Sam has a feeling that by the end of this episode, that cat will be most definitely out of the closet. Steve’s never purposely hid his sexuality; it was more of a question of it never having come up yet. It sure as hell has come up now.

And what makes this even better is that Barnes is just as bad. He stuttered his way through his introduction, very obviously starstruck at meeting Captain America, but also very obviously gay as hell for him, if the way his eyes lingered on Steve’s chest and thighs is any indication. Sam, for his part, is incredibly amused by it all. Not only does he get to be on the set of his favorite cooking show, he also gets to rib Steve, throwing in as many food puns as he possibly can – most of which go over Steve’s head because he’s too busy drooling over Barnes. Sam’s wit is wasted on his friends.

Then, it’s time to judge. In the first round, the contestants are supposed to make something which represents why they got into cooking in the first place.

Sam can feel Steve practically vibrate with nerves at his side as they walk up to Barnes’ station. Feeling magnanimous, Sam decides to have mercy on his muscly pal and take the lead on this one.

“Mr. Barnes,” he says, giving Barnes an encouraging smile. “Tell us about your dish, if you please.”

“Call me Bucky,” Barnes says, returning the gesture with a quick quirk of his lips.

Next to him, Steve repeats the name in a whisper, most likely unaware that he’s even doing it.

Sam has to bite down on the inside of his cheek to keep from smirking.

*****

Bucky’s confessional

“I grew up in Brooklyn, as the eldest of five kids. My dad left when I was fifteen, and while I was still in school, my mom had to work three jobs to provide for us all. She wasn’t home much, so it was kind of up to me to make sure dinner was on the table most nights.”

Bucky plucks at the seam of his black skinny jeans, lost in thought. “I think that’s why my specialty is comfort food. Nothing unnecessary, just hearty, nutritious food, y’know?” With a tilt of his head, he adds, “Although since all my siblings moved into their own places I’ve been cooking mostly for myself and my cat, so I’ve been experimenting with adding some twists to my tried and tested recipes.” He laughs, right hand clasping the back of his neck in a bashful gesture. “I’ve had… mixed success. Luckily Alpine has loved all of it. She’s my cat.”

“My first dish today is Irish soda bread with sage butter and Himalayan sea salt,” Bucky continues. “Bread was something we could never have enough of in our household. Five growing kids, y’know? And also, um...” A slight blush creeps its way onto Bucky’s cheeks, his eyes flitting around nervously. “Well, I guess you could say I used to be a bit of a history nerd growing up. I was super interested in World War II, particularly, uh, Captain America.” His blush deepens, spreading upwards from the neckline of his white t-shirt to the tips of his pierced ears.

“I, uh, I basically read every Steve Rogers biography I could get my hands on, which is why I learned to make things like soda bread because, y’know, Steve Rogers was Irish. Is Irish,” he corrects himself. Bucky’s eyes glaze over, taking on a faraway look. “Man, I couldn’t believe it when Cap was found a few years ago,” he marvels, “and alive. I don’t think I slept for a week after I found out.” He stares into space for a moment before shaking himself. He clears his throat, eyes refocusing on the person behind the camera. “Anyway, so when I heard that Chef Wars was doing an Avengers-themed special, I immediately applied because Steve – Cap, I mean- Captain America. Um. Yeah, so Cap mentioned in a few of his interviews that he watches Chef Wars, so I figured there would be a good chance he’d be watching this one too, you know? And then I got the email that I’d been selected and that he was going to be the one judging us, and I just…” Bucky trails off, looking a little faint, the blood draining from his face as quickly as it had risen.

“God, I just can’t believe I’ll finally get to see him in the flesh.” His eyes widen. “In person, I mean," he hastily amends. "And I’m excited about my dishes too, of course. I really hope Cap will like them. And the Falcon. Him, too. Yeah.”

*****

“I made soda bread.”

Steve lets out the 6’2” supersoldier equivalent of a squeak. “Oh, I love soda bread,” he says eagerly, rolling forward on the balls of his feet like he does when he gets excited. “My mom used to make it all the time when I was growing up.”

The tips of Barnes’s ears turn red, and he mutters something that sounds suspiciously like, “I know.”

When Steve puts a piece of bread into his mouth and chews slowly, he sniffs, eyes turning a little watery. “It tastes exactly like my mom’s,” he says in a hushed voice, sounding like he can’t quite believe his taste buds. Sam pats Steve’s back consolingly, before scooping up some sage butter with his own piece of bread and taking an enthusiastic bite.

“Hmm, nice,” he says, giving Barnes an appreciative nod. “And the butter? You make that yourself, too?”

“You butter believe it,” Barnes replies, then immediately looks horrified, like he can’t believe he made a pun that bad on national television.

Sam cackles, holding out his fist for Barnes to bump. When Barnes has recovered enough to return the gesture with his left hand, Steve stares longingly at their touching hands, before letting his gaze trail over the tattoos on Barnes’ exposed forearm. Since he's not exactly subtle about it, Barnes catches him looking and gives Steve a tentative smile when their eyes meet. Steve chokes on absolutely nothing and launches into an impromptu coughing fit. “Crumbs,” he wheezes, thumping a massive fist on his massive chest, “wrong pipe.”

Sam just smirks at him, before turning back to Barnes. “That was delicious,” he tells him. “Can’t wait for your next dish, man.”

“Really, really, good,” Steve chimes in once he’s caught his breath. “Well done, Bucky.”

Barnes goes as red as a tomato, eyes trained on the floor as he awkwardly shifts from foot to foot. “Thank you, Captain.”

“Steve, please,” Steve implores.

Barnes bites his lip, looking up at Steve through his lashes. “Thanks, Steve.”

Sam's pretty sure Steve stops breathing altogether right then. Christ, it’s like there’s an electrical current running between the two of them, the air crackling with it. Thunderbolts and lighting, very very nauseating.

Sam claps his hands. “Right,” he says loudly, “moving on to the next contestant now… Yulia, what have you prepared for us?”

*****

By the time the second round rolls around, Steve has had a series of meltdowns and Sam has spent precious time he could’ve been exploring the set and taking pics for his mom on talking Steve out of a bathroom stall. Damn, he’s a good friend. It takes all of Sam’s VA-honed therapist skills to convince Steve that he’s doing fine, he’s not embarrassing himself, and no one but Sam has noticed Steve’s massive heart boner for Barnes yet. Sam actually isn’t entirely positive about that last one – or the first two for that matter – but Steve doesn’t need to know that. There are still two rounds to go.

In the second round, contestants are asked to make a dish that represents who they are as a person.

While the contestants are cooking up a metaphorical storm, Sam and Steve walk around their stations to chat with everyone some more, camera crew on their heels. Steve manages to get out at least three complete sentences, and Bernadette and Bob are too in awe of him to notice the few times he says something that doesn’t actually make any sense. Yulia has given no indication that she even knows who either of them are, and Sam can practically feel the relief radiating off of Steve. He guesses that’s part of why he and Natasha get on so well.

When they round on Barnes’ station, Barnes has just started seasoning his dish. There’s a checkered dishcloth slung over his right shoulder and a focused look on his face, which turns into one of low-key stress the moment he spots Steve and Sam coming towards him. Leaning his hip against the counter, Sam settles in to watch Steve make a fool of himself. He's not disappointed.

“Wow,” Steve says inanely, gesturing in the direction of Barnes’ hands. “That’s- you’re- you’re really good at that.”

Barnes pauses his turning of the peppermill to give Steve a slightly panicked look. “At… grinding?”

At Steve’s strangled cough, Barnes seems to realize what he just said, his bewildered expression morphing into one of abject mortification. The poor guy looks like he’d very much like the ground to swallow him whole right about now.

Honestly, these two deserve each other.

When they've finished chatting to everyone and it’s time to taste, Barnes is asked to explain his dish and how it represents him. He seems to have pulled himself together somewhat since their last encounter, his stance a little more confident now and his eyes only drifting to Steve’s pecs every other sentence.

“I’m a simple guy,” he tells them, somehow managing to make it sound genuine instead of cliché. “I enjoy the little things in life. I like taking care of people, making them feel good and comfortable, and I think that’s reflected in my cooking. I enjoy making comfort food, the hale and hearty stuff.” He licks his lips, meaningfully adding, “Although, don’t get me wrong. I do indulge occasionally. I’ve got my guilty pleasures same as everyone else, y'know?” That last part is directed at Steve, who nods dazedly, like he knows exactly what Barnes means. Gross.

“So I guess you could say you’re just… arugula guy?” Sam grins, cheerfully ignoring the growing sexual tension.

Barnes stares at him for a beat, and then snorts. “You know what?” he says, returning Sam's grin, “the s’more I get to know you, the s’more I like you.”

Sam has a very real moment where he thinks he might actually fall in love with this guy himself. It’s only Steve’s doe-eyed look that keeps him from proposing to Barnes there and then. Okay, and maybe the fact that Barnes is clearly smitten with Steve, and also Sam is straight and very happily dating Nat, who would not hesitate to gut him if he decided to elope with some pasty hipster dude.

Barnes’ dish – mac and cheese with black truffle and locally sourced cheeses and fancy cuts of bacon – is mouthwateringly good, and Sam tells him as much. Using appropriate words to do so. You know, like a normal person.

Steve, on the other hand, moans loudly around his bite and then, mouth still full, he blurts, “That’s exactly what I thought you’d taste like.”

In the painfully awkward silence that follows, Steve and Barnes blush so hard the combined heat of their flaming cheeks could probably power most of New York City. This time, Sam can’t contain his laughter. He crows as he gleefully slaps his thighs, and even some of the crew is hiding having a hard time staying professional in the face of such blatant dumbassery.

Shaking his head, Sam grabs Steve by the bicep and herds him towards the backroom. “Come on, Casanova,” he says. “Let’s get you some ice for those burns.”

*****

For dessert, Barnes goes all out.

He actually makes Captain America cake pops, shaped and decorated like Steve’s shield with blue, red and white frosting. Steve’s eyes almost bug out of his head when he sees them. Barnes explains how they’re “sort of an adult version” of normal cake pops, which makes Sam raise an eyebrow. He’s been on the internet. He unfortunately has seen adult versions of all kinds of Captain America paraphernalia. Fortunately, Barnes just means that his cake pops have some sort of liquor in the center, “for a punch, you know?”

The starry-eyed look Steve gives Barnes clearly conveys just how clever he thinks that is, and Sam surreptitiously rolls his eyes. No game whatsoever, either of them.

“I’ve never had a cake pop before,” Steve says, carefully picking up one of the treats and inspecting it curiously.

“Oh,” Barnes says, blinking at him. “Well, normally you’d eat them in one go, but these are a bit bigger than usual because of the shape of the shield, so you probably won’t be able to fit -”

The rest of his sentence sort of peters off into a stunned silence as Steve proceeds to stick a whole-ass giant cake pop in his mouth in one go, letting out an appreciative grunt as he chews and then swallows.

Barnes’s mouth goes slack. “Oh my god,” he breathes, his eyes glazing over, and Sam cracks up. Again.

The cake pops are actually surprisingly good, despite their garish (sorry, Steve) appearance, and then it’s time to retreat and deliberate. As was to be expected, Steve has a crisis of conscience.

“I can’t vote for him just because he made my mom’s soda bread and he practically raised his baby sisters by himself and he cooks for his cat and he has pretty eyes, Sam!” he laments, voice muffled into his massive forearms. Sam makes the filming crew promise not to air this bit. It takes some doing, but finally Sam manages to convince Steve that Barnes’s food was simply the best. Better than all the rest. He even does a little Tina impression to get his point across, and that seems to do it.

When they announce the winner, Barnes smiles so wide it transforms his whole face and makes Steve melt into a puddle of Gü.

Sam has to nudge Steve again to get him to say his line, since he’s too busy mooning over Barnes to notice the autocue changing. “Ah, yes!” Steve says loudly. “First prize is a substantial sum of money, sponsored by Tony Stark, which we hope will go towards opening your own restaurant–"

“… and a weekend stay at Avengers Tower, also sponsored by Tony!”

Steve’s head whips around to him in surprise. Sam winks at him. “Including a private tour of the premises by none other than Captain America himself. Isn’t that right, Steven?”

A beat of silence, and then Steve.exe starts back up. "Right,” he nods, drawing out the word. “Yes. That’s right.” Sam pats his arm. Good man.

Stepping forward, Steve takes Barnes’ hand and shakes it slowly. “Congratulations, Bucky. I look forward to seeing you again soon," he says, adding, after a quick, bracing inhale, “and maybe when you visit, I can make my mom’s stew for you? If- if you like?”

Sam feels a surge of pride. Look at Steve go, being something almost in the vicinity of smooth.

Barnes laps it up, beaming at Steve. “I’d really love that,” he says in a low voice, still holding Steve's hand. “I’m sure you’re delicious.” His eyes widen. “It’s delicious. The stew – not- not-" Abruptly, Barnes stops babbling, then seems to come to a decision. “Oh, fuck it,” he mutters, and pulls Steve towards him, crashing their mouths together in a scorching kiss.

Over the noise of the assembled crowd's whoops and cheers, Sam gleefully calls, “And that, my friends, is a wrap!”

[jaxsteamblog]

Clueless

Click here to read the full fic on AO3

After leaving the shop, Katara went home to change and talk to her father. Apparently, Thuy’s debut was going to be a very large ordeal. As she was born in the swamp, she symbolized a partnership between the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribe. Historically, such a relationship had been impossible as many of the closest Earth Kingdom city-states feared any growing power among the ice bound tribes.

The idea of inviting the Avatar’s descendants came out of the Fire Nation. The only times when they got together were for various Avatar related holidays, and those visits were strained during the war. The records only went as far back as Yangchen and Kuruk never had children, but there were hundreds of years between Kyoshi’s daughter Koko and family trees blurred quickly. But with this strong connection between Earth Kingdom and Water Tribe, the Fire Nation was keen on reestablishing these familial bonds.

Bonds Katara had no idea about. It’s not like she was related to the Avatar.

Sitting on her couch, Katara pulled up the mini series on the Avatars on Webflicks. Starting the episode on Avatar Roku, she fast forwarded to the end.

His only living descendants were Zuko and Azula.

That surprised Katara but, as Tenzin narrated the episode, she found that their connection to Avatar Roku was through their mother. She was an only child, born of the only child Roku had. And she had disappeared halfway through the war.

Flipping to the next episode, Katara watched a bit about Avatar Aang. Tenzin, with more emotion in his voice as he spoke about his late father than the previous Avatars, explained how Roku’s death is what allowed for the conflict between the Fire Nation and the Earth Kingdom to begin.

Roku, having been close to Fire Lord Sozin all of his life, had defused a lot. While attempting to stop a volcanic eruption, both the Avatar and the Fire Lord perished. Aang was raised during a time of turmoil as Fire Lord Azulon sought to fill his father’s throne, but was isolated in part due to being an Air Nomad.

The back and forth between the Fire Nation and the Earth Kingdom went on for the Avatar’s lifetime. It was only because of his intervention that it didn’t escalate.

Ultimately, Avatar Aang had a family. His eldest son Bumi left the monastic order and founded the secular Urban Dust, his daughter Yangzom became the youngest spiritual sage of her time, and his youngest son Tenzin became a revered historian. All of them Airbenders, they scattered across the world and, in a moment of unintentional hilarity, not even Tenzin could figure out who had children and where. His older siblings having passed on, only his children were the official descendants of Avatar Aang.

Katara chuckled as she saw a shot of Rohan in their Airbender robes and with a shaved head. They looked happy standing with their family. Her smile fading, Katara clicked back an episode to see the shot of Zuko with his. He didn’t look nearly as happy. Or really, he didn’t look happy at all.

With a sigh, Katara switched off her TV and got up. She would probably have to sit and watch the whole series, if for nothing else than to give her even the slightest bit of knowledge about the current global climate. It might help to know more about Thuy as well, if they were going to be working together when Katara became queen.

Katara shuddered and headed for the door.

Rohan met her in a park and Katara looked around as she got there. It was still early in the evening and, with the summer solstice behind them, the sunset made the world rosy. Rohan sat on a low cement wall, overlooking an outdoor amphitheater with their glider folded up next to them.

“So, do any air deliveries today?” Katara asked, eyeing the glider. Rohan laughed and rubbed the back of their head.

“Nah. Unfortunately, I was on time for everything today.” They replied.

“You know, I’m curious, why is it that the Avatar’s grandchild is a delivery person?” Katara questioned.

“Well, since an Avatar is born every generation, it’d get pretty expensive to keep their kids living in the lap of luxury.” Rohan said and Katara shrugged. “And grandpa certainly blew through any niceties when he had three times as many kids as the last three Avatars combined.”

“And then your dad having four!” Katara added as she sat down next to them. “The audacity!”

Rohan chuckled and they both looked down the overgrown slope. Children jumped from one spot of exposed rock to another and shrieked with delight. It was a gentle scene as the day was ending and the air was finally cooling.

“It’s nice having a big family. It’ll be nicer once Jinora has her kid.” Rohan tilted their head and looked over at Katara. “Do you and Sokka get along?”

“Yeah. Why do you ask?” Katara leaned back, putting her hands on the warmed stone.

“You look sad.” Rohan said bluntly. Katara felt the blush and she turned her face.

“It’s just Sokka and I. And our dad.” She added hurriedly.

“I think we were lucky, all of the Air Nomads. Our temples are so hard to reach, we were really protected.” Rohan said. “Except for Uncle Bumi, but Pop said that he got to play Sky Pirates and fight the Fire Nation, which the monks wouldn’t’ve let him do.”

“It’s funny how there will always be pirates. Waterbenders were the pirate kings but got wiped out during the war.” Katara said and then sighed. “A lot of Waterbenders got wiped out in the war.”

“But you’re still here.” Rohan said, putting their hand on hers. “And the Avatar has been found with a whole stash of lost Waterbenders!”

Katara laughed and sat up, sliding her hand from under Rohan’s. “You’re right.”

Standing up, she held onto the strap of her purse with both hands. “Ready to go?”

“Yup!” Rohan said, jumping up. They took their glider up and spun it, stamping it down on the ground as they stood to their full height.

“How do you feel about pizza?” They asked.

The pizza place they ended up in was small, but lively. Rohan left Katara and their glider at an outdoor table, and she watched them through the large plate glass window. People were pressed shoulder to shoulder as they stood eating the largest slices of pizza Katara had ever seen. Rohan was quickly enveloped as they got closer to the counter and Katara pulled her phone out of her purse. Opening her Clicktalk app, she snapped a picture with the hanging restaurant sign behind her. Typing in a caption, Katara glanced up to see if she could spot Rohan. They were tall, but had somehow been completely swallowed by the crowd.

As she posted her picture, she saw two arms rise up over the bobbing heads and smiled at the sight of the blue arrows. Holding up two plates, the arms pushed through the crowd till Rohan freed themself, heading for the door.

Setting down the plates, Katara watched as they then reached into their pants pockets, pulling out two soda bottles with a flourish.

“Now watch this.” They said as they sat down. Using their airbending, Rohan flicked the bottle caps off and sent them spinning. They caught them in the air and made the caps dance around each other before letting them drop.

“That is a cool trick.” Katara said with a laugh. Looking down at the pizza, she pulled a plate over to her side of the table. The slices were as big as her face and the pepperoni slices were twice the size she had seen on other pizza.

“I thought Airbenders were vegetarians.” Katara remarked, picking up her slice and folding it in half.

“Common misconception. Avatar Aang was a vegetarian but he was an outlier and should not be counted.” Rohan replied before shoving pizza into their mouth.

“So do you and like, the other Avatar descendants hang out?” Katara asked before taking a bite.

“You mean with Zuko and Azula?” Rohan questioned with their mouth still mostly full. They paused to swallow. “Sometimes, but it’s usually just at formal functions. Apparently my uncle Bumi saved Iroh’s butt a bunch during the early part of the war and so the current Fire Lord doesn’t really like us.”

“Then you know Iroh?”

“Sure! I get tea there all the time and hangout. Pop says Iroh’s the little brother he never had.”

“Well, you should know Zuko at least.”

Rohan took a moment to eat before responding, looking off into the street.

“Zuko is Zuko.” They said softly, then turned and smiled. “Actually, my sister Jinora was better friends with him. And Meelo is absolutely obsessed with Azula.”

“I can’t imagine anyone being obsessed with Azula.” Katara said dryly and Rohan laughed.

“The very reason you can’t is exactly the reason why he is.” They said and shook their head. “Anything he wasn’t supposed to do or was considered dangerous was always the first thing at the top of his to-do list.”

Katara and Rohan laughed, and Katara picked up her bottle of cherry cola. She liked this, liked getting pizza and being out. Everything was more open and sticky; the sweetness of the soda spilling into the rest of the evening and making her feel happy. It was somehow more expansive than being at the beach.

Everything had been picked out and packed up before she had even gotten to the beach house. Now, in retrospect, she knew that someone had come in to make their meals and take care of everything for the royals. Here, she had her choice of toppings and soda, and she sat outside listening to people pass by.

What would Zuko have picked if he had gone off the tracks for once?

“So, do you happen to know anything about the new Avatar?” Katara asked.

“Only that Pop can’t wait to train her. He was so happy he almost cried.” Rohan replied.

“I guess that makes sense, that she would train with Aang’s family.” Katara said and drank more of her soda. “I wonder if she’ll train with Zuko.”

“Maybe, it’d certainly be good for them if she did.” Rohan said idly. “Think she’ll do any training in the North Pole?”

“I don’t see why.” Katara shrugged. “She’s already a Waterbender.”

“Yeah, but like, for her spiritual training.”

“I thought that was an Airbender thing.” She said, picking up her pizza.

“Don’t you guys live with two actual spirits?”

The flash of black that glowed swept over her mind and Katara choked on her mouthful of pizza. Rohan reached out, alarmed, but Katara held up a hand and grabbed her soda. Take a drink, she felt the lump painfully move down her throat and she could breathe.

“Okay, well yeah.” She said and Rohan sat back, chuckling in relief.

Pushing her plate away, Katara leaned back in her seat. “I think I’m done.”

“Sure. Would you like to go on a walk?” Rohan asked. Katara smiled and nodded.

“That would be nice.” She said.

As Rohan took their plates and walked over to the trash, Katara pulled out her phone. A few people had viewed her Click but she had a message from-

“Zuko?” She murmured. Opening the reply, all it said was

I love that place! Try it with white sauce!

Frowning, Katara put her phone away.

“Shall we?” Rohan asked.

Katara stood and they started down the street. Rohan used their glider as a walking stick and people kept out of their way. Eyeing them out of the corner of her eye, Katara smirked.

“Are you doing that on purpose?” She asked. Rohan smiled slyly.

“Whatever are you talking about?” They shot back.

“Why did you ask me out?” Katara questioned suddenly. That seemed to surprise them and they thought for a moment.

“Every once in a while, my family gets on my back about dating. I’m aromantic and they don’t get it, so I take someone out from time to time to get them to stop asking questions.” They answered honestly.

“So you don’t, like me?” Katara asked.

“Do you like me?”

“Well.” Katara fidgeted and Rohan laughed.

“We literally just met today. It’s not about liking someone, it’s about getting to know them.” They said. Looking at Katara’s pained expression, they shook their head.

“From what I understand, people click and then they go out and the whole thing is riddled with hormonal traps.” Rohan gestured with a hand and Katara watched them. “But honestly, romance is just like any other relationship to me. You have to know the person right?”

“Sure, but…” Katara started and Rohan held out their hand. Unsure, Katara still took it.

“Your heart is pounding isn’t it?” They asked. Katara’s face burned and she yanked her hand back.

“S-shut up!” She stammered and Rohan laughed.

“It just happens, and I’m not even the one you want right?”

“Not the one…?”

“Oh come on, I saw how Zuko was looking at you.” Rohan said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Katara sputtered and Rohan continued to laugh.

“It means that maybe I also asked you out because the last time I saw Zuko, his sister was being really mean and he didn’t do anything.”

“That still doesn’t make any sense.” Katara said in a huff.

“You are totally clueless.” Rohan said, wiping their eyes. “Let’s just have a good night, and I promise you it’ll make things more fun for you.”

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19

[somefantasticplace]

MISTER AND MISTER

We asked comedians Vic and Bob the same questions in separate rooms. Then we compared their answers…

HERE for pictures.

What are the rules in your relationship?  Is there a line that you'd never cross?

Vic: We've never needed to have rules - apart from who makes the tea next.  We never speak to each other on the phone unless it's to say, 'I'm not coming in today,' or 'Will you bring some milk in?’ We have completely functional phone calls because we see each other every day.  We live about 10 miles away from each other. We're very medieval in that we do all our writing with a pen and paper.  Bob tends to hold the pen more and write things down more, but that's entirely down to my idleness.  I have to do the drawings because his drawings are indecipherable.

Bob: If we don't want to work, we don't have to and we never make an issue of it.  We never phone up and say, 'I'm really sorry, I've got to do this or that.' We just say, 'I'm not working today.  See you tomorrow.' We're both quite unassertive, so there's no obvious dominance.  It could be [why neither of them is the straight man].  We compromise - it's unspoken. We talk about most stuff, but not sexual things.  I don't know why that is.  You always imagine that everyone else does. If he's been out with a lass, I'll say 'So how did it go?'  I don't really ask anything like, 'Did she have nice tits?'

Tell us a secret about the other.

Vic: He's got an anal dysfunction.  Let's just say there's some kind of angle involved.  He backfires.

Bob: He collects a percentage of his used condoms in a jar and keeps them.  He does!  Last time I saw it was in his house.  So there you are!

What surprises can we expect in the new BBC TV series of Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased)?

Vic: I think the best bit is a very camp psychedelic episode, set in a big toy shop, with giant puppets and evil mannequins. it's got that late-60s Avengers feel.  I fly through the air a lot.  I was hurled down a corridor by a flaming man [no need to swear- ed].  No, he was on fire. It's always good working with Tom Baker.  When we're together we camp it right up.  He even gives me a kiss - it's quite full on and I wasn't expecting it.  He was telling me something really close up and he finished off by grabbing hold of my face and going mwwwwwww. I was pretty startled.  You don't think, 'Oh, he's a good kisser!' You think, 'What's he doing?'

Bob: There's one bit where we're in a jungle and Derek Jacobi is in a wheelchair with his face peeled off; Dervla Kirwan is on a sex machine (a punishment machine that gives women orgasms continually until they hate it); Emilia Fox is having a fight with a huge lady prison officer; and I'm being beaten up by two huge men.  It's a lovely little tableau.

Hopkirk (Vic) is Randall's (Bob's) spectral minder.  Who would you choose as your spirit guide?

Vic: Don Johnson from Miami Vice because he'd be suave.  Or Michael Knight from Knight Rider.  Or Peter Glaze [of Crackrjack].  He was quite short with little round specs and he'd look good if he appeared behind a bush in spectral form.

Bob: it would probably be quite good to have Jim [Vic's real name is Jim Moir].  He'd do anything you asked.  I'd get him to spy on people and report back.  I think he'd Iove it. I don't suppose he could carry a camcorder, but I'd like to see images from D-grade celebrities’ homes and Jim would be up for doing that.  I'd send him to spy on Anthea and Grant.  Could it be true that no one watched Anthea's show?  I take no pleasure in that.  I just couldn't believe her viewing figure was zero.  You'd think Grant would have tuned in, though.

Who has the better sense of style?

Vic: Bob has his own particular sense of style, which I admire. He’s a very clean man, but he wears dirty clothes.  I admire that because he pulls it off.  He sometimes buys unsightly shoes and I'll say, ‘I think we should burn them.' I've burned a lot of clothing and taken photographs of it.  I took a photograph of a pair of old woman's shoes on fire beneath a standing stone with a pool around the bottom.  I had eight copies printed; I'm going to frame them and offer them out at Christmas.

Bob: I have no sense of style and I get a lot of abuse for it.  But I'm beginning to think that I'm the more stylish man because I have no style.  I don't buy anything.  This is all bought for me by my girlfriend [points to his chunky sweater and scuffed jeans].  I hate male perfumes, male jewellers.  I hate walking into a room and the first thing people see is your suit.

Vic/Jim has said: 'People can't seem to understand that Vic is just a character I play.' Are they two different people?

Vic: It just goes back to the fact that not many people can pronounce Moir [rhymes with lawyer]. I changed my name because I was only going to do one night - and I thought it was right for that night.  'Vic' is when I'm on TV.

Bob: I think Vic and Jim are one and the same.

Who would you least like to be chained to a radiator with?

Vic: Terry Waite. Or Donald Duck.  I don't like the way he looks, I don't like the way he speaks.  His attitude is all wrong.  And his nephews!  If they were chained as well I'd slit my throat.  Eat them?  I'm not sure anyone's ever eaten a cartoon yet.

Bob: Bubble from Big Brother.  I'd probably irritate him - it wouldn't be a good mix.  I think Vic would pick Bigfoot out of Bigfoot And 7he Hendersons - that big hairy thing.

You wake up one day to discover you are women.  What kind of women would you be?

Vic: Probably much the same as the men that we are.  Vaguely interesting.  I don't think we'd be smart.  Eclectic.  I'd be wearing Victorian clothing, a high-necked, long, black dress, looking like a widow.  Or Miss Havisham in Great Expectations.  Dusty and dowdy.

Bob: I'd be the same as I am.  I’d be a mummy. I’d be like Nigella Lawson, but anonymous. Jim, he would be like Ulrika.

Complete the following: I’d die if I ever had to… again.

Vic: …live.

Bob: I couldn’t face doing the conveyancing on a house again. I used to do that in another life.

How do you make your kids laugh?

Vic: Stupid walks, fart jokes – they always win. I can’t fart to order, but I can belch to order. Words always make kids laugh. You’ve got to get on their level and sing things like, ‘There’s a woman on a bike, wike, thike, nike, fike, like.’ They love it.

Bob: Repeating a non-word such as ‘uballah’ over and over, very loudly – that seems to get them going. Or walking like a monkey.

What would you never, ever lend the other?

Vic: My car [a Jaguar], as he’s always crashing cars. The interior of his car [a Lexus] is like a council tip. When we were filming, we had a boot sale and put everything from his car on a trestle table. There was cat litter, one shoe, a bra, plants, food, jam – everything you could possibly imagine - stashed away.  He doesn't have his cars long.  I'd say it takes him about an hour and a half to fill one and perhaps two hours to wreck it.

Bob:  My dog and my cats.  He'd be useless.  He'd probably feed them the wrong stuff.

How do you know when he's down and how do you help him snap out of it?

Vic: I ring up Middlesbrough Football Club and tell them to pull their finger out.  He doesn't know I do this.  He gets into a terrible depression if they aren't doing very well, but that's the only time he does get depressed.  He always cheers me up with his cheeky grin.

Bob: I don't bother, he's always down, so there's no worries.

Who has the better body?

Vic: My body is turning into what it was like as a young boy - there's nothing there really.  Bob's is very manly - a big hairy chest, broad and brawny.  I'm in pretty good shape.  I do a lot of walking.  But Bob's in better shape than he's ever been.  He has this secretive world where he does a lot of digging.  He moves gravel around and stuff like that.

Bob: We fluctuate.  You'll see photo of him sixth months before and he'll be as trim as a tuppence.  But at this moment in time, I might be able to top him.  One thing Jim does is put weight on his face.  If he's had a Christmas where he's scoffed and drank for a week, it all goes on his face.

If you could send the other on a course, what would it be?

Vic: Fly-fishing.  I think he's got a secret wish to be a fisherman. We've been fishing about twice in 10 years.  I think it's something he'd be into.  I think he'd also benefit from learning how to draw. I would imagine his children can draw better than him.

Bob:   An assertiveness training weekend.  He came into work yesterday and said, 'The builders are after me for money.' I said, 'Have they done owt?' He says, 'Not that I can see.' So I said, 'It's very difficult, Jim, but when they phone up, if they haven't done the kitchen, the dining room and the bedroom, at least say, "Could you have the kitchen finished by five?" before you give them the cash.' He says  'Yeah, I'll try and get something out of them.' So he phones the builder and says, 'So you want some money? I'll put the cheque in the kitchen drawer.' He couldn't do it!

You’re in a room full of smart, beautiful women.  Who do they gravitate towards?

Vic: Neither of us, I'm convinced. They'd probably turn their backs us. Maybe they'd gather around Bob first because they'd want to mother him and I think that's the first urge of a group of beautiful women in a room.

Bob.  Jim.  He's sassy.  He's a single man and there's an air about him. You wouldn't notice me walking into a room.

Could you order for each other in restaurant?

Vic: Definitely.  He'd have what you consider old person's food  - tongue, potatoes and cabbage, and a steamed pudding with custard, with tea or a lager.  If he chose for me, he'd go for something more obscure. If there was something odd on the menu, I'd try it.

Bob: Jim always has the most bizarre thing on the menu.  He likes to try things.  He'd order me potatoes.

If you were invisible for a day, where would you hang out?

Vic: Can I breathe underwater or be ethereal?  I'd float over the capital and blow down chimneys and through windows at quite high speed.  I wouldn't be that interested in spying on anyone.  I might like to creep into a tiger's cage or maybe get inside an apple.  I wouldn't find anything interesting in being a peeping Tom.  I'd rather spy on a cat than a person.

Bob: I'm tempted to say at Grant and Anthea's again, but the truth, of course, is that I'd hang around wherever in 24 hours you'd see the most nude women.

How far would you go for friendship?  Would you: a) lend him your underpants; b) give him your kidney; c) help him on the toilet?

Vic:  a) I wouldn't want to wear his underpants.  Have you seen the state of them? b) I'd give him my kidney, depending on how many I had spare on my plate.  He'd enjoy it. c) I would help him on the toilet, yes, if I had to.

Bob:   a) Yes, I'm sure I would. b) Can you survive with only one?  I'd think about it. c) Yes, definitely.

What is the other's most irritating habit?

Vic:  He would probably say blowing his nose on his clothing.  But he quite often leaves some marmalade or something on the front seat of his car, so, when you get in, you really need to put a towel down first.

Bob: Not buying drinks.

What's the most endearing thing he's ever done?

Vic: Just being him really.  He always makes me laugh.  We're not present givers.  We ignore Christmases and birthdays.

Bob: There's lots. He bought me a very rare record, which surprised me. It was an original copy of Free Live! He always looks after me. With the odd lives we have, we do have to look out for each other. It's one of the stabilising things about being in a double act. You can't start being poncey because you've got the other person with you. You can help each other out.

What scares you?

Vic: I've got a terrible fear of heights.  Before I pass out, the sky comes in and I start ducking.

Bob: The thought of my children getting hurt.  You see something on the telly and think, 'God, if that were them, I couldn't bear it.'

Do you go on holiday together?

Vic: We do.  We've been off on our own a few times - we've been on motorcycling holidays, we've been camping.  We're probably quite insular.  We act like children.

Bob: On holiday, he's a bit too busy for me.  He can't sit down.  We're in a cafe and I just like watching people.  He'll be saying, 'Have you finished your fag?  Come on!'

If the partnership ended tomorrow, what would you both be good at?

Vic: I'd probably just paint pictures.  I think he'd like being a gardener or maybe do up houses.

Bob: I'd like to be a gardener, if I was financially able to just garden.  I can't act, so I wouldn't go down that line.  Jim does it already, but I suppose he'd like to paint.

What sort of old people will you be?

Vic: I will sit in an old people's home, staring out of the window, listening to a distant Alsatian.  I've often imagined myself sitting on a park bench with a dusty novel.  And a bottle of milk. If they stop putting milk in bottles, I'll be cantankerous and lead the march to Trafalgar Square to reinstate bottles of milk. I'd imagine Bob would be very much the same, but he'd be sitting on a dusty chair with a bottle of milk watching the TV - anything that's on.  He's a channel hopper.

Bob: Quite traditional, really: nice tweed suits, brogues, lonely. Together would be nice. We would probably be... [sighs at the inevitability] in a pub.

Former solicitor Bob Mortimer (42) was born only a few months and a few miles apart from Vic Reeves in Middlesbrough .  They didn't meet until 1986 when Vic was performing at the Goldsmith's Tavern in London.  Vic thought Bob was 'quite quiet' but it transpired he was eating a macaroon and didn't want to talk with his mouth full. Bob lives with his girlfriend Lisa Matthews and their children Harry (4) and Tom (3) in Kent .

Vic Reeves (42, James Roderick Moir to the Inland Revenue] lives in Kent with his wife Sarah (though they are separated) and their children, Alice (8), and Louis (4). It’s just down the road from Bob, at whose house they write every day. The two have had many series on TV including Shooting Stars, Families At War and Bang Bang It’s Reeves & Mortimer. Vic has also published a book of his paintings, sunboiledonions (Michael Joseph, £12.99).

Eve

Nov 2001

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season five, episode thirteen: james needs his jacket, it’s gucci

We’re at Villa Blanca, the klassy older sister of Sexy Unique Restaurant and PUMP, where Lisa is having Tom and Ariana train another bartender on the cocktails at Sexy Unique Restaurant and PUMP. For real, though, these cocktails are 90% muddled and 10% sugar, it’s not impressive. Mostly the reason for this scene is to reveal that Tom is going with DJ James Kennedy, RIP, to hypnotherapy to see if James can learn to control his emotions.

This is Chekov’s Gun1.

James’ mom meets him at something Lounge, and we already know we’re in for a wild ride. James’ mom is... a handful2. James hasn’t been talking to his mom about what’s going on with him, and I can’t see how that’s a bad thing. He hadn’t told her he got fired from PUMP, and his mom is immediately disappointed. She boosts his ego, of course, and blames it all on jealousy - gross. He tells her he’s performing at the Redbury and that he’s going to be rapping, and I got nauseated. I’ve had five shots of espresso today and I’m pretty sure this is what’s making me sick. James’ mom loves Raquel, of course, because who doesn’t love a Barbie doll who never says anything? He brings up how Kristen is talking shit about him cheating - again, this isn’t exactly true, but still, neither of them have a leg to stand on there - and then James’s mom says something horrific.

Essentially, she says that Kristen is going to be barren as karma for her behavior.

Okay.

Okay.

This is so fucked up for so many reasons: A) We really get a deep understanding of James’ hatred for women, because clearly it comes from his mother. B) This is so childish, wishing something like that on another woman. C) The apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it, James?

I can’t stand that woman, and I really can’t stand James for not recognizing how terrible she is.

Brittany’s mom is leaving! Oh no! I’m going to miss her 1996 Hard Candy frosted lipstick and hoop earrings. Brittany’s mom grills her about the things that were said at the Roast - namely, the cheating stuff. She really wonders if he’s not cheating, and still has other questions for him, of course. Jax gets home from Ralph’s with groceries, namely, “health food”. A few minutes later he’s talking about how the minute Sherri leaves he’s taking his pants off and eating hot wings on the toilet or something like that. I’m sorry, it’s hard to understand Latin3. Sherri brings up Jax being gay, and he denies it vigorously. He’s defensive, and he’s giving mad attitude to his girlfriend in front of her mother. Before he leaves, he again brings up “how much he’s given her” for the last year, and I roll my eyes. THAT’S NOT AN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR ATTITUDE, JAX.

He keeps saying he does “too much” for her, and he feels liks he’s not thankful for it and doesn’t let him do what he wants to do. The best part is that he tries to blame her behavior on “those girls”, i.e, Stassi et al, and Brittany’s mom shuts that shit right down and says she’s the same girl from Kentucky. See? Jax single handedly just proved that he thought she was going to be this nice Southern girl who was going to lay down and take it, and she’s certainly not.

Brittany is a fucking saint, damn it.

Apparently being Lisa’s assistant means helping her paint the VIP room lilac. Apparently “sexy rose” is just… lilac. No complaints on my end. Katie’s talking about some nonsense involving her wedding and then brings up Scheana telling her about how much her bridal shower cost. Even Lisa thinks that’s tacky and recommends she get involved in her bachelorette, otherwise it’ll probably be a mess.

Tom, Tom, Jax, and Ariana all go with their iced coffees to get suits - apparently this is the only thing Schwartz gives a shit about. He wants them in black suits and green ties to match his green jacket and black pants… is this Katie’s idea or Tom’s? ‘Cause I hate it.

The bridesmaids are at lunch, where Scheana gives Kristen her share of money for the bridal shower. Brittany brings up Jax’s behavior, and Stassi tells us she would prefer to be cheated on than have someone fight with her in front of her parents like Jax did. A-fucking-greed. They settle on New Orleans - VEGAS IS NOT AN OPTION - for the bachelorette/bachelor party. Scheana wants it to be a collaborative effort, but Stassi’s designated herself as Resident Trip Planner because… she’s from New Orleans. Scheana accuses Stassi of deciding she’s Maid of Honor despite being on the outs with Katie literally just a year ago. They talk about whether or not it would be awkward for Ariana, and... yeah, probably.

Katie’s at a flower shop with Lisa to look at flowers for the wedding. She wants to spend around $6000 on flowers alone, and I am hyperventilating. She talks about how Tom doesn’t want to spend that much money on pretty much anything wedding related, and Lisa basically says she’s tired of hearing about Katie and Tom’s issues with each other. They need to be a united front to face the world together, not apart. Lisa and Ken have been married for as long as Jax has been alive, so I would trust their word on that. I’m not one who believes in “marriage advice”, because everyone’s situation is different in minute ways but this is just good advice about partnership in general.

Lisa Vanderpump, Motivational Speaker.

Tom and James are getting ready to do hypnotherapy, and James is nervous, and skeptical. He’s not into the mumbo jumbo of crystals and stuff - of course Kristen is, though, I forgot about that - but he’s open to the idea. He doesn’t want to come across as a jerk and just wants to make music. I can’t even begin to describe this hypnotherapist, other than a Julianne Moore caricature on a Tina Fey TV show. Like, Julianne Moore would win an Emmy for playing this hypnotherapist. Anyway, James is cool if it doesn’t work, because he could use a nap anyway.

I hate agreeing with DJ Kames Jennedy!!!!!!!

Scheana and Ariana are at the stables, and we hear about Ariana’s horse, Raven, who she loved. I hate that it explains so much that Ariana is a horse girl, but I’m okay with it in this case. She’s not the worst horse girl I know. She tells us the sad story about her horse, and how it passed away when they were both 30 - I really loved this part of the story - and tells us about how it’s nice to feel supported and loved mutually. Ariana’s fucking great. We get to see her jumping and riding a horse, which is cool. Tom Sandoval shows up, and he claims that it worked for James. Scheana and I are skeptical4. Tom and Ariana are going to a painting class that was going to be a double date, but then Stassi is tagging along. Of course. Apparently, at that very moment, Schwartz and Katie are meeting to talk about their prenup. Scheana, of course, is against them, which says so much about her, and Ariana and Tom are pro. As am I - as a very emotional and vengeful person, I hate to think about the shit I’d pull if I didn’t have a prenup in my divorce. Decide that shit when you’re in love. You’ll be more generous. This is the smartest thing Katie and Tom have ever done.

The most irritating thing is straight off the back when Katie frames an argument of Tom spending $2,500 on a prenup while she’s spending $50,000+ on their wedding. Katie has $200 in the bank, and $4700 in the bank - and no retirement plan. Tom, apparently, has a laughably smaller amount than Katie in the bank. They decide to share custody of the dogs, and Tom complains that being an adult is not fun. Over splitting custody of dogs. Tom is terrible sometimes.

Scheana meets with Ellie, who I forgot about until just now. She tells her about the awkward exchange between her and James, and they decide to crash James’s performance to make him uncomfortable. Again, Chekov’s Gun. Then again, I don’t understand why Scheana feels the need to make James be “accountable for his actions”. She doesn’t even like him? Neither do Jax or Kristen?

Brittany and Jax go to dinner at 10e, which is a Meditteranean restaurant, and thus, neither of them know what to get5 They’re going to church, apparently, and Jax is uncomfortable. He has bad memories of church camp, and doesn’t get why they threw oil on him. I’m not religious, so I don’t know either. Brittany tells Jax about James’s set at The Study, and Jax is gleeful to the point where he can’t even say he won’t fight him.

Tom, Tom, Ariana, Katie, and Stassi are going to Paint ‘n’ Sip, which is one of those places where you get to drink and paint and one time I got blackout drunk on wine there. It’s a good time, I painted a Detroit skyline in the vein of Starry Night6.

Katie equates coloring to painting, and I’m insulted on behalf of Bob Ross. They’re two different things. You’re just a tracer, Katie. The trip to New Orleans comes up, and Tom Schwartz tries to smooth things over between Stassi and Ariana. Stassi is offended that Ariana doesn’t care about her, and Ariana doesn’t have a fuck to give either way, which comes across as condescending. Stassi has this idea that the opposite of love is hate, when the opposite of love’s indifference, and she can’t stand that. Sandoval points out that only you can control how you feel about someone, not how they feel about you, and Stassi cannot haaaandle it. She’s squirming. Ariana literally says "If I wanna be friends with her, then yeah, I'd give a fuck about her opinion,” and they’re shellshocked. The boys and girls are going to be separated on the trip, and Katie gets offended that Ariana isn’t going to be on the girls’ trip.

Uh, Katie? You’re the one who adamantly refused to put Ariana in your bridal party. Pick a fucking lane, dude.

We’re at The Study for James’... debut….as a rapper, god, I hated writing that so much. He’s pumped because he’s got people in his life there, but also, Scheana, Kristen, Jax, Carter, GG, Ellie, and Brittany are there, too! Apparently GG and Ellie are there to call James out, and Jax has an “interior” motive for being there. James is wearing an artfully purposefully ripped or a really worn-out t-shirt he got from his pot head old man roommate, I can’t tell. Tom Sandoval can smell blood in the water the minute Kristen arrives, because there ain’t no party like a Kristen party ‘cause a Kristen party gets someone punched in the face. Raquel, James’ girlfriend, introduces herself to GG, and says she doesn’t blame her for being obsessed with her boyfriend. GG says in response, and this is a direct quote:

“Isn’t it like, a quality of like, a Miss California to be like, feminism?”

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

I mean, the inherent sexism of pageantry aside, this is not even an english sentence. GG insists that Raquel is living in a dream world because that’s the only way James could ever be loyal to her. James comes over as Ellie is introducing herself to Raquel, and then GG also gives him his clothes that he left at her house back. I am such a fan of #pettyrevenge and this is Petty and Veronica, all the way. James says he would never have sex with her and calls her ugly whilst telling her to get out of his face. And then GG slaps him. Kristen and Carter watching gleefully, vodka soda in hand, and SCREAMS at Jax to pay attention, because they know Jax will jump at any opportunity to have a hand in James’s demise. GG continues to fight with James, and Tom Sandoval steps in with the best one liner of the night: “Go get a drink, you’re thirsty as fuck.”

Tom tells the truth: they’re just mad they slept with James7 and that he continually denies it, it never had anything to do with Raquel. For once, James actually isn’t the worst one. He’s still terrible for licking his hand and rubbing it on her face. Fuck you, James. James doesn’t look sober here, either. I doubt he is, I bet he’s hopped up on sizzurp because that’s considered sobreity on Bravo. He goes up to Jax, Kristen, and Carter, and sarcastically thanks them for coming to his show, and calls Kristen ugly. Jax throws his drink at James8, James throws something back at him, so Jax then just leaps on him and goes for the kill9.

Chekov’s Gun goes off.

Kristen tries to hold him back while James takes two people to be held back, and Kristen has him kicked out. James screams and calls them all losers, and Kristen is JOYFUL that she ruined James’ night and got him kicked out of the club. James calls Tom Sandoval’s friends lowlives to his face - he’s not wrong, but what a British way of putting it. He’s pissed at Tom, he’s pissed at Kristen, pissed at Jax. He blames it on jealousy, again - NOT YOUR NASTY ATTITUDE, JAMES? - and begs for his suit jacket as Raquel - who I realized is just wearing a t-shirt - escorts him away. Tom goes over to Jax and Kristen, who are clearly tweaking, and they get mad at him for defending James, but he’s mad at them for provoking him in the first place and then playing dumb, like they weren’t there to ruin his reputation again. Tom says he doesn’t have to be best friends with someone to see that they weren’t there for good reasons.

And he’s right.

Next Week: Jax learns who Givenchy is while they get dressed in drag, Raquel can’t trust James, Scheana screams at Katie for... probably being Katie, Ariana laughs at the idea that she could even like Stassi, and Tom and Baloney fight about Ariana and her attitude.

See you tomorrow for The Bachelor, hopefully? Yes. It’ll happen.

Random Thoughts from the Desk of Amanda:

That choker of Brittany’s is really, really bad where she’s wearing the teal dress. It looks like a fancy dog collar.

This whole James thing reminds me of Miami Girl all over again.

Did Jax correct his own grammar during his fight with Brittany?

Raquel really does sound like a goat.

Everyone’s face during James’s performance was gold. Especially Scheana, who was probably having flashbacks to her terrible performance of “Good as Gold”.

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Chekov’s Gun is essentially the idea that if you place a gun in the first act, it must go off in the third. James’ anger must be essential, or it would not have been included in the story. STARTING OFF WITH A LITERARY THEORY, IT’S GONNA BE A GOOD ONE, Y’ALL. ↩︎

I’m pretty sure on Pumped Podcast (RIP) Kristen said that she stole her credit card to get Botox. ↩︎

Jax is so old he speaks a dead language. ↩︎

There is too much agreeing with people I hate in this episode. It needs to stop. ↩︎

I’m pretty sure that’s the first time Brittany’s ever seen the words “baba ganoush”. ↩︎

It hangs in my mom’s house. ↩︎

Seriously, he’s DNF List for sure. ↩︎

What is WITH these grown ass men throwing drinks on each other? ↩︎

I guess his probation is over. ↩︎

[nationtriallawyer]

Jack Zinda – Success by Design

In this episode of Trial Lawyer Nation, Michael Cowen sits down with an accomplished trial attorney, Jack Zinda, for an inside look at his bustling personal injury law practice. Built from the ground up in a county where seemingly no one wanted to start a law office because the juries are so conservative, Jack has built his practice up to include 3 offices with 63 people on his team, 23 of which are lawyers.

Jack’s humble beginnings working in his father’s restaurant washing dishes and waiting tables, contributed to him becoming a great trial lawyer by teaching him to learn how to talk to people, which he says was “great training.” Michael admits that he actually looks for “waiting tables” on the resumes of his potential lawyers as he understands that such experience comes with being able to deal with people, even when they are being unreasonable, among other reasons.

As they dig in deeper to Jack’s practice, he directly correlates the growth of business to an exercise he did after reading the book “The E Myth” where he laid out a plan for where he wanted his firm to be in the future and worked backward from there in order to develop a plan of action. He also made sure to account for his core values and not giving up practicing law seeing as one of his top motivators for getting into Personal Injury law was to help people, and he never wanted to lose that. Michael and Jack also talk through their views regarding the use of consultants and how egos sometimes get in the way of success in this industry. Jack makes it extremely clear that “none of what [he’s] done is original” and that he’s simply taken what he has learned from others and built upon it to become successful. It also, from Jack’s perspective, comes down to the systems that get put in place and following them consistently; an example being that each lawyer in his firm is highly encouraged to attend two networking events per week in order to continue to build relationships.

As Jack reflects on the continued growth of his practice over the years, one of the most important decisions he discovered was who he hired to work at his firm. To prove his point, he describes the scenario where if you hire the most brilliant and amazing people to work for you in every aspect of your business and you have poor systems in place, chances are that you will likely still be successful. Whereas, even if you have the most robust and well-oiled systems in place, if you hire people who are unmotivated and don’t want to work hard, you are likely to fail. He goes on to say that even experience can be overrated when looking to hire someone. At the core, when looking to add people to your organization, people need to be hungry and driven, they need to be smart and organized, and they need to be hard working. Michael and Jack also talk through their hiring processes to get the “right people” into their firm. Surprisingly, the interview has very little to do with it and sometimes… neither does a candidate’s aspirations of working with your firm!

The conversation shifts to internal systems where Jack has gone so far as to hire a developer to create their case management system to his specifications. And not only has he found it to be a great way to customize his practice to run the way he wants it to but also works as a great training tool for everyone in his firm, even the most seasoned attorneys. Jack points out that even the simplest of things go into the firm’s checklists and procedures such as “read the local rules,” which, as easy as that might sound, he points out that it can be vital when working in as many jurisdictions as his firm does. Jack has also raised the bar on training and development within his firm by creating a position that solely focuses on it. Listening to Jack’s description of how he came up with and implemented this position is likely to deliver shock and awe to anyone who runs a firm, as it did for Michael during this podcast.

Michael wraps up the podcast with the question that is likely on everyone’s mind – How much of a “life” do you get to have, running a firm of this size and as successful as yours? Jack boils it down to really deciding what success means to you, first and foremost. What do you want to get out of the practice (note the sentiment of beginning with the end in mind)?  Jack explains that he sets hard and fast rules on family time and personal time and has become VERY intentional about it, down to the alarm on his phone that goes off at 6 pm that reminds him to “go home.” Michael points out that there is also a difference between being in the room with your kids and being present with your kids. Jack goes on to describe how he turns off his phone when he gets home and puts it in a drawer, making it harder for him to somehow “find” it back in his hands, IE: working when he shouldn’t. “Willpower is overrated. I think you’ve got to set yourself up for success by setting the atmosphere to do what you want to do in order to be successful,” which is certainly a great mantra for us all to take away from this conversation with Jack.

Jack has served as lead attorney on a wide range of complex catastrophic injury cases across the United States, including:

. Fire death cases . Gas explosions . Wrongful deaths . Governmental torts, including wrongful death cases caused . by law enforcement . Federal tort claims act cases . Traumatic brain injury cases . Commercial litigation . Motor vehicle collisions . Premises liability . Interstate 18-wheeler collisions . Product liability

As a trial attorney, Jack takes tremendous pride in giving a voice to individuals and families who need help battling Fortune 500 companies and large insurance conglomerates. His firm balances aggression with a strategy to maximize the outcome for clients, and every case is handled with a focus on getting ready for trial. He also knows the importance of communicating with his clients and ensures that they are part of the process. He is dedicated to always putting the needs of his clients first.

A native Texan, Jack graduated with a bachelor’s degree in business and political science from Southwestern University, where he distinguished himself as president of the Interfraternal Council and as a member of the Student Congress, the Student Judiciary, Phi Delta Theta, and the Pirates basketball team.

Jack went on to earn his Juris Doctorate from the prestigious Baylor University School of Law, which is perennially ranked as one of the top law schools for trial advocacy in the nation by U.S. News & World Report. While there, he was one of the finalists in the Bob and Karen Wortham Practice Court Competition.

Over the years, Jack has earned a reputation as a thought leader in the legal industry, and he has been featured as a speaker for numerous groups across the country, including the Brain Injury Association of Texas, the Williamson County Bar Association, and Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

Jack has also benefited his professional community through leadership positions in a variety of legal organizations. He has served as president of the Capital Area Trial Lawyers Association, as a member of the board of directors of the Texas Trial Lawyers Association, and as a member of the American Association for Justice, the Texas Bar Association, the Austin Bar Association, and WCBA. He is also involved with a number of consumer advocacy organizations.

You can listen this podcast on iTunes , Stitcher, Spotify, and Google play.