#a lenghty fucking ramble

[skywerse]

very random question but making the whole recent animatic you did (which was AMAZING btw) how do you feel about it in terms of progress you've made on your art skill? because like I've also very recently started getting into making animatics and it seems like a constant flow of working on the art and personally I've felt a shift in how I approach making normal pieces of art, so I was just wondering how much of that feeling would be there for you after finishing such a big project? I'm sorry if that didn't make sense lskdjfal i just kinda want you to talk and ramble about your thoughts and all during making the animatic sjskla

-🍪

no one's ever asked me about this stuff before, so buckle up because this might turn into a lengthy fucking ramble

to start, if we were to talk about progress, I'd have to talk about it more in retrospective than just my latest animatic. it's been three years since I started animating, and this particular animatic was more of a silly and short side project, I didn't put much thought into it really.

before diving into animation, I had a foundation in graphic design, four years at a tech school. this gave me a strong grasp of the basics and by that I mean visuals, colours, composition, and more. but yeah, when you transition to animation your view on art definitely shifts, at least mine did. because animation, at its core, is storytelling through visuals. so you're basically delving into film, and now you're not just thinking about static elements, you're considering movement, pacing, cinematography, even sound design. and as an animator, you're the director, the cinematographer, the storyboard artist, and the editor. each role requires specific skills. you need an understanding of visual storytelling, character design, motion graphics, timing, and so on and so on! and you're learning them along the way as you work on your projects. I'm learning all that still, and if you take a look at how my animatics looked in 2020 and now it's so much progress. HELL, both in my animation AND my drawings.

if you really think about this riptide animatic in retrospection you're basically seeing 10 years of my hard work on perfecting those skills combined into one silly video lol BUT without it, for me it's just silly thing that I did and I'm just glad people seem to like it, I'm not dwelling on progress here

now, when it comes to how I feel after finishing a project? in general? it's a mix. there's a sense of achievement, sure. like here I have to mention my short film again. I spent a whole year on it, mostly working on my own but with some guidance from my thesis supervisor. the film is 7 minutes long, and I worked on animating it from march to august. and when I compare the start to the finish, I can SO clearly see the improvement, both in terms of skill and artistic vision. BUT I also tend to look back and think about what I could've done better or differently. and while I see areas for improvement, this self-critique pushes me to get better with each project. eeeh it's a bit of a love-hate relationship with my work really. that's how it always been for me lol

[julien5-malfunction]

Being any kind of h0rny is such a conflict to my inner order and values.

[Ramble fantasy about mental masochism and escapism and something like that aka I wanna be tied up and torn apart. (this isn't about sex) ]

The only way accept such states is when it has to do with masochismmm and I'm kinda having unmet needs or something, or well I do often but it has risen to the surface again.

Like then you think about stuff too vividly and it makes you twist inside, I wonder like, what would it be like IN REAL LIFE if a thought makes me squirm. Maybe the ppain on the heart would be gone finally, as these fantasies do include rather 'wholeome' and 'innocent' things happen to me, such as (1) having deep convertations that go on for ages and dissect ones soul and like really het in there an empty it out till there is nothing left to say about a topic it's such a mind fuck. It's a need.

And (2) getting my needs for physical touch met, I don't mean that in a sexual way as my orientation is asexual, but the skin starvation is real and it's wrecking me mentally. I see it as a resource to manage, like a bar to keep at a certain level to avoid pain. But the thing is, the resource is so rare. I just. Simply do not ask for a hug. I'm too discusting and uncomfortable in my own skin, I can't stand being touched, yet I crave it so fucking bad, it's so dumb. I rely on random encounters of accidental contact to get my fucking fix, it's just AAAGH. I just want to hug a dog or something and I need a good lenghty moment for that, I'm pretty sure things will get intense for me and the other party will pick up on that, if it's a human, and they'll get uncomfortable by that. Like, for some reason it's like my skin is full of sharp teeth and diagestive enzymes and it'll begun to dissolve them if I touch them, it's that bad, I'm that hungry and I wear a muzzle so I don't bite.

(3) other than, that I have the occational desire to be, first of all; in a way accepted and good enough for myself, as an requirement for this other scenario to be possibe. To be desireabe enough that someone will take an interest in me and actually want to be with me, accepting the excisting misalignments of my psysical and mental beings and best case scenario we become partners in crime. Best case scenario I'll be enough to fulfill their needs while staying withing my boundaries and vice versa.

Best fucking case scenario they're eaqually fucked up as I am and they agree to physically restrain me, tear me apart from the inside out and put it back together, like rip the mental bandaids off and clean the wounds of trauma and make me face my demons, verbally, not judgeing the sheer emotional teardown that's gonna cause in me, and I'll end un crying and my ego struggles and makes me shout back but you presist. Aknowlegement that I'm in hurting, that I'm crying, but no judgement, no yelling. I'm allowed to be in pieces on the floor, I wouldn't need to feel fear of being judged for it. And you'll have to sew it in place, some kind of 'self worth' like an organ that I'm missing, install it there like mechanical heart. Shoveing it down my throat like pills won't work, many have tried. You'll have to get your hands dirty and manually put it there. Suture me back together, maybe just once, hold me, bleeding from the seams and let me, FOR ONCE cry on someones shoulder, with no shame or guilt.

And time passes by and the sutures dissolve. The cuts grow new tissue and join. I would have gone much more quiet by then. There was no more pain to complain about. And you'll observe the ever so slight smile and ambient peace in the moments I'm quiet and thinking about the past, guestioning that, maybe, just MAYBE I'm deserving of nice things and maybe I'm deserveing of kindness and happyness and peace and don't need to feel guilty and ashamed all the time. And I'll look at you in the eyes and you can see that the surgery was a success and the pain is gone.

I'll probably ask you if we should go to the store to get incredients so we can make something nice to eat and assemble a puzzle while it's cooking in the oven. We'll have a sleepover every once in a while but we both have our own lifes too that require resources so after a while I learn to become less clingy and I won't get in the way of that.

And ofc dabble in some light bdsm, bc I'm curious! and a fucking masochist! and I wanna get to an insane level of pain tolerance physically and mentally. I'd like to say it's somewhere above what I other people have let me understand as an avrage but really, it can't be measured, so my opinion of my experience is a valid metric here and I want it high.

It's a superpower really, I take pride in it.

I just. AAAAGH. i need it i need it i need it I need to prove myself i need it to feel good about myself i like the rush of endorphines i wanna get hooked on it aahh i wanna struggle, life is boring, my life is so boring, I need to feel something , i wanna feel decent about myself for a breif moment 👉👈 like GIVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE to prove myself, that I can manage it my mind won't break under pain and I'll smile and laugh about it because it makes the rest of my shitty fucking life seem like daisies and rainbows and I think can make it trough hell and I'll find out just for fun. And I'm tied down or whatever so I can't escape and you tell me it's useless to try but it just fuels me and I try and try and try and I won't quit until I escape and I laugh at you because I did and you didn't think I could

I think it would be

so gratifying

and I'd just remember that I did that and randomly just chuckle about it and grin bc

fuck yeah I did that, I'm like that.

...I'm like that. I'm something.

[baekuras]

the me writing 600words comments under a fic vs the me refusing to form a single sentence for school work are not the same

[sluttyspiderkinnie]

Glad to hear you're doing better!! Thank you for the lenghty response and for understanding, don't worry it didn't feel rambly to me at all. Actually, me hating Korvo isn't entirely correct either, because sometimes I do like him, it's weird. Sometimes I Love tervo, other times I'm like "BREAK UP PLEASE!!!!" and have to repress the big anger towards him. It's complicated, I think you might relate to that, idk I mean my opinions shift wildly, but what I do know is that I love and relate to Terry a LOT! Also the way the fandom softens Korvo up helps a lot, I prefer that for myself. Makes me feel less on edge.

And also I feel like hating on Korvo when I feel personally triggered is kinda very... therapeutic? hmm, cathartic? I'm not a psychologist so what do you say? Like acting protective towards Terry is kind of like protecting myself, getting out unresolved negative feelings, all of that. Sometimes I'll be just like *crushes korvo in my fist* "Ok I feel better now!". I don't think there's anything wrong with that necessarily.

ANYWAY, I'm honestly proud of you that you were able to work on yourself in a way where you don't have those emotional responses when things feel personal. Like, of course you might slip because you're human, but you put in the effort and that's commendable! It speaks a lot to how much you care about the job you want to do, and it's also good for you in general, and it takes strength. So, I'm proud.

This sounds like splitting to me. Splitting’s a defense mechanism our brains pull to protect us when we’re triggered so I’m here for you and feel you. (And it’s usually associated with BPD.) When you split, your brain only sees stuff in black and white terms. So if you’re someone that also gets Big Feelings and triggered around the way Korvo at times really ineffectively communicates, it makes sense that your brain’s automatic response to him while splitting would be basically like “get FUCKED I hate you and you have no redeeming qualities”.

I started splitting more because of other stuff I have going on in my personal life but working on the dbt post about effective communication and useful skills triggered me into thinking about a lot of the really bad and dark situations I’ve been in because I’ve ineffectively communicated and I’ve allowed for a dynamic where I will let people I love push me around and demean me and oh man it is really hard to stop allowing. And I’ll also be self deprecating around those people as a way to invalidate myself further so even if I do end up standing up for myself and it doesn’t go well they can refer back to me calling myself a stupid fucking idiot so the response and blow I get back is less intense. Yanno just like haha maybe you should speak to me more respectfully but what do I know I’m just an idiot! And you know who fucking does that? Terry. And it’s so painful to see.

And thank you so much anon like genuinely it means a lot to be validated and it keeps my impostor syndrome more at bay. I really appreciate it and you!

[ninthplace]

so ok, words words words this is rambling, this whole thing is a work in process and might change depending on what dlc says. and i mean, full disclosure - people have made lenghty, detailed explanations of what the fuck happened in kh3 and the dream worlds and all that. i don’t understand them!!! because kh is a series i thought i understood and then it added in like six new world mechanics with shaky rules, so i’m sorry if this is totally off.

as far as i’m concerned, demyx’s goals on this blog are to drop to another world / set of worlds to summon kingdom hearts, and use that power to restore the balance to light and dark and merge all the worlds at all costs.

like xehanort, it’s the at all costs that’s the problem. 

he genuinely cared about the foretellers despite knowing he was basically setting them all up for destruction. it was what he saw, therefore it was what needed to happen.

damned luxu to wander for all eternity to make it happen? necessary cost.

damned ava to fight alone against the current of the future? necessary cost.

put aced and ira in roles that would inevitably lead to them losing themselves to their need for power and control? necessary cost.

invi and gula finding out about everything when it was too late to stop it? necessary cost.

it may be that he’s seen different futures and this is just how things play out. it may be that he set all of this up to mitigate the damage and control the fallout. or it may be that he did this specifically to create the ripples that were needed to make other events happen. we probably won’t know for another decade and by then nomura will have changed his fucking mind.

i think i’m rolling with the idea that this was the best possible outcome he saw. and no amount of fighting against it would stop the foretellers from crumbling. if it wasn’t for the epilogue i’d say it was done specifically to thin the number of keyblade wielders and ensure only a few had the power again, but with the foretellers returning i really doubt that. it could be that it’s what needed to happen to summon kingdom hearts, but i also doubt that was why he did it.

if we go with the idea that he’s doing all of this to reunite the worlds and restore equilibrium once and for all, then he’s still a bad dude because he’s fucking everyone else over to do it but he’s a bad dude with solid motivations.

how i’ll be playing it on this blog is that demyx doesn’t know for sure why he needs to do what he needs to do. he just knows he has to do it.

demyx himself is more a shadow of the MoM than he actually is MoM himself. like ansem seeker of darkness or xemnas, an echo of a previous self - only lacking all the memories that make him who he was.

[icyxmischief]

Hello! Lemme introduce myself: once I wrote two lenghty, rambling, feels-induced rants about Loki and how he became so fucked up, I have a fic in which he is a 13-year-old girl with bipolar disorder and I saw your post about the deleted lines. I read it attentively, but... it flew by my head. I'm sorry, but could you dumb it down a bit? I'm crazy about Loki interpretations, but I just didn't get that post... big thanks!

Omg this post was sent eight years ago and I don't know HOW OR WHY it just now showed up in my inbox?????? If you're still around and you can still remember ANYTHING of the context I'd be happy to chat kjhsdlhjksdfg, Also I love your url. <3

[forthelove-aokaga]

Prompt: A Dramatic Reading of Your Favourite Erotic Story or Book.

(Book? What book? Fanfiction it is!)

“Hey, Kagami can I borrow your iPad for a minute? I want to check out some stuff I ordered,” Aomine walked out from the bedroom and into the kitchen, where Kagami was cooking them lunch.

“Yeah sure, it’s on the coffee table,” Kagami said while chopping up some veggies.

Aomine made his way to the living room and lounge on the couch making himself comfortable. He grabbed the tablet from the coffee table and tapped in the website he was looking for. After an hour of scrolling through the site and making few spontaneous purchases he then close the all his tabs, that’s when he saw Kagami had almost 10 unclose tabs what looks like lenghty articles.

Aomine hears Kagami setting up the table and ask, “Kagami can I close all your other tabs?” Not getting a reply Aomine sat up only to be surprised by a sudden hand trying to snatch the tablet away from him. “Oi! What the hell?!”

“Just give it back to me Aho!” Kagami tries to snatch the tablet away again.

“What is your problem?” Aomine moves his hand away from Kagami’s. Aomine’s eyed Kagami curiously wanting to know what he had done to provoked the man. “Are you hid-”

“Just give it back!” Kagami lunges forward to grab the item again from behind the couch and Aomine again swiftly moves away. Kagami slip forward flinging his head to the coffee table with a loud sound.

Aomine jolted from the impact and immediately lifts his boyfriend up to see if there’s blood. Seeing no blood he lifts his boyfriend to lay on the couch and ran to the kitchen emerging with a cool pack. Aomine sat besides Kagami and slowly place the ice pack on the Kagami’s head.

“F-fuck…hurts…” Kagami head was spinning from the fall.

“Shh…shh…you’re okay, you’re ok-” Aomine voice started to slowly fades and Kagami falls into unconsciousness.

*** Few hours later Kagami open his eyes to a dark room and a heavy feeling on his body. Aomine..? He gazes up and saw Aomine’s asleep hugging him. He slowly peeled himself from the man only to awoke him.

“Taiga?” The man blink slowly registering the movement Aomine then sat up with force looking at Kagami. “You’re up! I’m so sorry babe. I gotta call-” Aomine rambles.

Kagami then try pushing himself to sit up but fail as his head was too heavy and dizzy so he flopped back down to the pillow with a groan.

“Just lay down okay? I’m gonna get you some water.” Aomine pace himself out of the bedroom and came back with a glass of water with a straw in it. “Okay let’s sit you up,” Aomine slowly lifted Kagami’s head as the redhead groans from pain and place more pillows under him before slowly laying him down again.

“…hurts…head…” Kagami mumbles in pain.

“Yes I know. Here open your mouth, yes like that. Now drink the water and swallow the medicine too. Good boy.” Aomine placed the glass on the bedside table and leans in kissing Kagami’s forehead lightly and sat beside him.

“W-what hap-pen?” Kagami stuttering to form his words.

“Well…you were out cold when you hit your head on the table. Then I called Midorima to come and check on you. He said you’re okay but you might a slight concussion.” Aomine push back Kagami’s bangs.

“Seriously you got me super worried there. And everything was just to cover your little secret from me Taiga?” Aomine sighs and pulled a small smile to Kagami.

Kagami looks at Aomine pending on the word ‘secret’ until he gets what Aomine was talking about. His face was flushed as he groans and he quickly cover his face with a small pillow.

“You saw…” Kagami groans loudly through the pillow. He hears Aomine chuckles and then felt the pillow being pulled away from his face.

“Aww~ it’s okay babe I won’t tell anyone,” Aomine laughs looking at Kagami.

“S-shut up… I hate you…” Kagami sulk looking away with a red face.

“Okay okay I’ll stop. But I didn’t know you read those kind of stuff. I mean I kinda’ read through some of them to see what you were so defensive about, so I came across the sex scenes between superman and batman they were pretty hot. I never would imagine those two would fu-” A pair of hands stop Aomine’s lips.

“Just shut up,” Kagami was blushing to his ears with a few tears from embarrassment caught in his eyes. “Just shut up.”

Kagami felt Aomine smirking in his hand. Ugh… Aomine is gonna haunt him forever.