#a whiny and weak roman is the winner

[richeeduvie]

I like to think Baby has an exponentially better sex life in the Stewy Wins Au than in any other Au…..so…..yeah, just so you know……

You probably are completely right on the conventional level, but considering how whiny Roman is when she uses the strap on him, I think I know who I'm going with...

[wrestlingisfake]

Summerslam preview

Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns - Reigns defeated Bobby Lashley on Raw to earn this match for Lesnar’s universal championship. 

The story this time is virtually unchanged from their match at Wrestlemania 34--Lesnar doesn’t respect WWE and never shows up to defend the title, Roman is the only guy that could beat him, and this is the last chance before Lesnar leaves to go back to UFC.  Technically this is the last match on Lesnar’s WWE contract, but so was the Mania match until he signed an extension.  So the fact Lesnar is already setting up a UFC title fight with Demetrious Johnson Daniel Cormier does not mean anything to this match--Lesnar could easily sign another extension, retain in Brooklyn, and drop the title in November or something.

Real talk, I am sitting out this show because I don’t want to repeat the cocktease of Roman choking at Mania, and I don’t have faith in WWE to make it up to me.  I already vented about this match extensively, but basically nothing has changed to make it seem like Roman is more likely to win than last time.  Roman hasn’t changed up his game or style, he’s just become more whiny and petulant.  Lesnar hasn’t gotten weaker--the split with Paul Heyman turned out to be a ruse, and even if Heyman does a triple-cross at the show, that’s not going to convince me to order before the show.  Roman did manage to get that “should have won” finish in the cage match at Saudi Arabia, but that super-touch-the-floor-before-the-other-guy power doesn’t really matter in a non-cage match. 

The most important wrinkle added to this match is that it’s the first time since 2015 that Lesnar has been in a title match while a Money in the Bank contract can be used against him.  We won’t know who will have the contract during this match until the Strowman/Owens match is settled, but it can be executed immediately after (or even during) this match to give a third man a chance to steal the championship.  The hype would be that instead of us being pissed when Lesnar wins again, this time when he’s all tired and stuff a second guy comes out and wrecks him.  The problem with that as an incentive to order the show is that Lesnar usually makes winning look so easy that after his matches I tend to think he could go back and clobber five more guys.  Also, my big problem with a Money in the Bank cash-in finish, to slay the dragon Roman never could, is that it leaves Roman looking weak as hell, which would be tolerable except WWE will spend another year trying to fix the mess they made, at the expense of our patience.

Ideally, Roman should just crush Lesnar in under ten minutes, with Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins (and maybe even Heyman) helping, and then they triple-powerbomb Strowman to close the show.  That would be the best move right now, to rehab Reigns and wash the bad taste of the Lesnar/Reigns saga out of our mouths.  But I am dead certain they will not do this, or even come close.  So I’m picking Lesnar to pin Roman clean, and whoever has MITB doesn’t even bother to come out, for maximum fuck-you points.

Ronda Rousey vs. Alexa Bliss

- Bliss won the Raw women’s title in part by disrupting Rousey’s own title shot, so now Rousey is after revenge and the championship. 

WWE’s in a tough spot because they want to push Rousey as an unstoppable badass and special attraction, which means she has to dominate all her matches and look like she knows what she’s doing from the start.  That limits their ability to show her the ropes in the undercard or on house shows, so they have to get creative about how they present her.  I’ve heard this match has been heavily rehearsed, which is fine, but it may indicate concerns about how quickly they can pull the trigger on a title run.  They were already perfectly happy with Bliss as a tippy-toppy woman, so they could easily stand pat with her for another 3-6 months. But given the all-women’s show coming up in October, I think they’ll want Rousey to come out on top here.

AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe - Styles is defending the WWE world championship.  If Joe wins, I believe he will be the first man to have held the WWE, TNA/Impact, and ROH world heavyweight titles.

Joe has been playing mindgames, trying to convince Styles that his title run has hurt his commitment to his family, and that his wife and kids are hoping Joe wins.  I don’t buy that AJ believes that, but I do buy that he’s furious that Joe would talk shit about his family.

According to profightdb.com, Joe and AJ have faced off at all since 2013, when they were both in TNA.  It’s pretty amazing WWE is just now getting around to this match-up, because I don’t even think they were trying to save it for a special occasion.  These guys have always worked well together, so we should be in for a treat, but on the other hand that was a long time ago, so it’ll be interesting to see what’s changed.  This is the one match that gives me second thoughts about skipping this show.

I think Joe should win, to cap off a long Styles reign and to acknowledge Joe’s underrated performance as a killer heel.  But they’ve managed to build up AJ’s credibility as a tough guy to beat, to the point where I’m actually wondering if he’ll go a full 365 days as champion, or even all the way into next year’s Wrestlemania.  So I’m not super confident Joe can win, but he’s still my pick.

Braun Strowman vs. Kevin Owens - Strowman’s Money in the Bank contract is at stake in this match.  They’ve been booking this feud like Owens is Wile E. Coyote constantly trying to dream up ways to get the drop on his opponent that never work, except the Roadrunner is fucking Braun Strowman so it doesn’t exactly make much sense.  For example, Owens holds a victory over Strowman because it was an escape-the-cage match and Strowman got mad threw him off the top of the cage.  I assume the idea is that Owens has a super-sneaky plan (perhaps involving Jinder Mahal) that will have us kicking ourselves if it works, but I don’t actually believe it will work.  I can see a booking direction in which Owens has the contract, but I have a really hard time seeing him winning this match.  So I’m going with Strowman to win.

Camella vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch - This is a three-way for Carmella’s Smackdown women’s title, so there can be no count-outs or disqualifications, and the first woman to score a fall on either opponent will be the champion.  Carmella won the title by ambushing Charlotte after a brutal beatdown, and then retained in a rematch.  Becky earned her spot in this match by beating Carmella.  Charlotte earned her spot in this match by...coming back, I guess?  I don’t even know anymore.

I think Becky’s fans have gone the longest without a title and they’re starting to get pretty damn nuts about it, so I would appreciate it if WWE tossed Wrestling Tumblr a bone and let us have this, if only so that we can get “Carmella deserves it more” discourse as a change of pace.  But I think the real reason this is a three-way is for the old bit where the heel is facing two babyface friends and seems to be doomed, but the faces fight each other and the heel sneaks out with a win.

Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz - All right.  Back in 2010 WWE signed Bryan and, to fuck with everybody, introduced him as a rookie being mentored by Miz.  This led to good heel heat when Miz acted like he was the true master of the two, which led to a nice pop when Bryan beat him for the US title later that year.  Then for a long time nothing happened.  Then in 2016 Bryan was retired and Miz did a worky-shooty promo on him that everybody raved about even though it didn’t set up a match.  Then nothing happened.  Then in 2018 Bryan came out of retirement, so the people who think Miz is really great decided the #1 dream match for Bryan is to finally continue this allegedly epic rivalry.

People keep acting like this is a legendary feud and I’m not sure what they see in it except that Miz yells really loud about it.  I mean, it’s good that Miz has discovered shouting but I have yet to detect a coherent point in his promos except that he’s delusional for thinking he’s the superior combatant.  (Miz may be the superior entertainer, and more likely to be wrestling in five years, but in kayfabe I don’t know what that has to do with winning this one fight.)

You’d think as a part of Bryan’s big emotional return from a career-threatening concussion, he should just win this match.  But on the other hand, Miz has a reality show they need to put over.  And more to the point, there’s still no clear indication that Bryan has renewed his WWE contract, which is supposed to expire in less than a month.  If I’m WWE, and I think Bryan could be headed to ROH to headline Madison Square Garden, I’m not putting him over at Summerslam.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins - Dolph already defended the intercontinental title against Seth in a 30-minute iron man match, but I guess that was all to set up this...regular match.  OK, then.

The big angle this time is that Rollins has always had to deal with Ziggler having Drew McIntyre in his corner, but this time Rollins has Dean Ambrose on his side, freshly returned from a triceps tear.  Unless Ambrose is just going to turn on Rollins, it’d be crazy to waste the Shield reunion heat for this match on a Ziggler win.  And if you’re going to do some kind of tease of a heel turn among the Shield, I think you should wait until later when Roman Reigns can be involved for maximum effect.  So my preference is for Rollins to win the title and celebrate with Dean.  But I’m not confident we’ll all get what want...

Harper & Rowan vs. any two of Big E & Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods - The New Day are challenging Harper and Rowan for the Smackdown tag team championship, and they probably won’t reveal which two of the three are going to wrestle until the match starts.  I don’t think WWE knows where they’re going with the Smackdown tag division, so it’s hard to pick a winner here.  Ordinarily you have to assume the two big monsters with giant hammers are the favorites, but the New Day are a hot act and should probably get back on top of the mountain.  It depends on whether they’ve got anyone else in mind to beat the Bludgeon Brothers, but I don’t think they do.......so.....New Day wins the belts.

Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Jeff Hardy - Nakamura won the US title from Jeff last month due to interference from Randy Orton, and then Orton interfered in the rematch too, so this is another rematch.  Orton may or may not be in trouble for reports of him pulling his dick out in meetings a long time ago, so I don’t know if he’ll be running into this match or not.  I’ve also read Hardy is awfully banged up so I don’t think a title win is a great idea for him.  So Nakamura is going to retain, it’s just a question of whether it’s via a ballshot DQ or an Orton run-in.

Finn Balor vs. Baron Corbin - Ugh.  Maybe Balor can remember where he left his body paint so he can turn into the demon and end this feud already.

Bo Dallas & Curtis Axel vs. Scott Dawson & Dash Wilder - This is on the pre-show.  Dallas and Axel (The B-Team) are defending the Raw tag team title against the Dawson and Wilder (The Revival).  Back when the Revival were in NXT it would be ludicrous to think they wouldn’t punch these jobbers in the mouth and dominate the tag scene for months.  But I guess the whole “no flips, just fists” mentality has nothing on midcard comedy antics.  The B-Team has momentum, and although they probably won’t in a year, for now they’re miles ahead of the Revival.  Dallas and Axel retain.

Cedric Alexander vs. Drew Gulak - Gulak is challenging for the crusierweight championship on the pre-show.  I haven’t really paid attention to the cruiserweights for months and it sounds like I haven’t missed anything.  I don’t know, I guess Cedric retains.

Andrade Almas & Zelina Vega vs. Rusev & Lana - This is also scheduled for the pre-show.  It’s a mixed tag team match, so every time one team makes a tag the other team is also required to tag to ensure that men only wrestle men and women only wrestle women.  This started a a series of Vega/Lana matches, until their men got involved.  Rusev’s sidekick Aiden English is also in the mix, although he hasn’t done Rusev and Lana much good so far.  You’d expect Almas and Vega to win to continue their push and advance the plot of whatever’s happening between Rusev and English.  But knowing WWE, nothing is for sure here.

[wrestlingisfake]

No Mercy preview

Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman - Lesnar defends the universal championship.  This match was supposed to happen months ago, but Strowman needed surgery.  Then plans for Summerslam turned into a four-way, where Strowman destroyed Lesnar, but somehow didn’t figure into Brock making a comeback to retain the title.  The question here is whether Strowman is just another tomato can for Brock, or if Lesnar can’t get around him without the chaos of a multi-person match.

As usual for Brock Lesnar matches, everything revolves around political issues, from his limited schedule to his price tag to the wisdom of keeping the title on him through Wrestlemania.  A case can be made that WWE has managed to get Strowman over to the point that he could take over the Lesnar role, and that WWE would do well to get a younger, hungrier, more loyal man in that position.  If he loses clean here, that’s probably all out the window.  If he wins...well, you’ve got a lot more interesting options for the next six months.  But you could make that argument about putting Samoa Joe over Brock, and they didn’t do that either.

The problem here--and with WWE altogether, really--is that this match will be booked with the sole priority of setting up something for Roman Reigns.  That’s not Roman’s fault, nor is it Roman’s fault that they’ve fucked him up for three years.  But the fan base knows this clash of titans is just a battle for the right to put Reigns over later, and it’s hard to get excited about that.  (Even if you love Roman, I can’t imagine you particularly care which of these guys he beats for the belt.)  I’m not fiercely opposed to Roman as the top guy or the Wrestlemania headliner, but creeping up on it for a year is really starting to wear me down.

As for this match, the most interesting thing they could do here is a Strowman victory, so they’ll probably have Lesnar shock us all with a freak pinfall in under ten minutes.

John Cena vs. Roman Reigns - Cena was recently deemed a “free agent” who can go to any brand he wants, as a way to explain him jumping from Smackdown to Raw so he could call out Reigns. 

This is supposed to be the big battle of the tippy-top guys, on the order of Hulk Hogan vs. Bret Hart or Steve Austin vs. the Rock or Cena vs. Triple H.  Except that Cena has never been fully accepted in that role and Reigns has had an even harder time with it.  So it’s less about seeing two legends you thought would never fight and more about rooting for the guy you hate least out of sheer spite.  Accordingly, the promos setting up this match have been more about exposing each man’s flaws and weaknesses than emphasizing their respective strengths.

Cena has a natural talent for this sort of thing, and he’s done this basic angle (where the other guy shoots on him in a whiny manner and Cena deflects it effortlessly) a zillion times.  I expect he’ll spend the match doing a lot of little things to try to make you believe he’s breaking kayfabe and going into business for himself. 

Reigns...hasn’t looked very good, essentially bringing a water pistol to a gunfight.  In these wars of words, it’s not enough to tell the truth and say “bitch” and “ass” a lot.  Your shoot promo still has to connect with the audience just like a real promo, and I don’t think he’s on Cena’s level of doing that.  The solution, then, would have been to make this feud focus on what Roman does better than Cena (whatever that is), instead of trying to convince people that any wrestler can be The Rock with the right script.

This is one of those things where WWE clearly intended to do a shoot-y thing to put one guy over, but didn’t reckon with the other guy being much better at shoot-y style.  I don’t even think they always do this on purpose.  But regardless, they’re not doing Roman any favors...as usual.  He practically has to win, but I’m concerned they’re going to lose confidence in him over stuff that’s their own fault.

Alexa Bliss vs. Sasha Banks vs. Bayley vs. Emma vs. Nia Jax - Bliss’s Raw women’s title is on the line.  It’s every woman for herself, no count-outs or disqualifications, first wrestler to score a fall on anyone else is the winner and champion.  Bayley is a late addition after a shoulder injury removed her from a title match with Bliss at Summerslam.  You get the feeling they’re headed for Sasha vs. Bayley one of these days, but it’s hard to tell if they’re going there sooner rather than later.

It seems like this title is always a hot potato, so I guess the smart money is on Sasha winning the belt, then losing it three weeks later on Raw, then winning it back three weeks after that...

Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins vs. Sheamus & Cesaro - Ambrollins beat Shesaro last month to capture the Raw tag team championship, so this is the rematch.  Now that they’ve pulled the trigger on the Ambrose/Rollins reconciliation, we’re really just in a holding pattern until they decide whether to work Roman Reigns into the equation.  I don’t see the tag title changing hands until they’ve figured that out, so expect the champs to retain.

Finn Balor vs. Bray Wyatt - Wyatt wanted to fight Balor’s “Demon King” bodypaint persona at Summerslam, and pretty much got his ass beat.  So now Wyatt is all like “well, you didn’t beat me, the paint did,” because I guess he’s literally a ten-year-old.  So now the stip is that Balor won’t be doing anything special to prove that paint doesn’t give him super powers.  Common sense would suggest Finn should just win again, but then again I don’t know where either of these guys would go from here, so maybe they’ll put Bray over just to prolong the feud.

The Miz vs. Jason Jordan - Jordan won a six-way match to earn this shot at Miz’s intercontinental championship.  This is the culmination of a storyline where somebody tried to blackmail general manager Kurt Angle about a secret lovechild, which turned out to be Jordan, and Miz kvetching that Angle gives Jordan special privileges.

The fans don’t buy Jordan as Angle’s son at all and see to be looking ahead to the inevitable plot point where Jordan turns heel and reveals it was all a scam.  That...kinda makes me think WWE will double down and move the title onto him.  Yeah, I can definitely see that happening.  Not sure if it’ll be here, though.  I’m thinking Jordan wins by DQ or count-out.

Neville vs. Enzo Amore - Neville’s cruiserweight title is on the line.  Amore has had a tough year, dogged by reports that he’s impossible to put up with backstage and that everybody wants nothing to do with him.  This has apparently led to him being moved to the cruiserweight division and a series of segments about letting everyone explain why he totally sucks.  I’m not on the Enzo Amore Defense Squad or anything, but I don’t find all this effort to make him twist in the wind satisfying either.  If he’s that bad, just fire him.  But they won’t, because they have to “prove” something, I guess.  A side effect of all that is I have zero expectation that Amore can possibly win this match, which means I’ll probably skip it, which is the opposite of the point of booking a match, but what do I know?

Apollo Crews vs. Elias - Wikipedia says this is booked for the pre-show.  I had no idea.  I suppose Elias will win.