#abt it. and i feel like nobody irl listens to me at all (aside from luz but she's goign through a hard time and i really don't want to be

[floralbfs]

kinda depressed abt this semester tbh

[latejulys]

what makes it all worse though is that i have had a few dreams with/about [redacted] before. the most confusing of which i had at the end of 2020, a few years after i decided i didn't care about him and months after we graduated high school.

[redacted], some others, and i had to work on this project for school, i assume, and so we had to hang out together to work on it. but while we're trying to work on this project during class, these 2 girls keep on flirting with [redacted] and i'm literally watching these girls bothering us in absolute disgust while [redacted] is confused as to why they're bothering us so much. when they went away i teased him abt it saying, 'they have a crush on you, obviously. did you not realize? lmao.' and we have a laugh together. a childhood friend of mine then started to talking to me while [redacted] and the rest of the class was watching/listening, trying to insinuate that there's something going on bt me and [redacted].

(a brief? aside to explain that nobody would act this way irl i have absolutely batshit dreams sometimes. my childhood friend and i did not leave off on a bad note. we eventually just stopped talking and hanging out which i'm ultimately okay with but clearly still upset about bc to this day i have dreams in which i reunite with her and we start hanging out again.)

[redacted] is once again confused and asks me what she meant by that and i'm like dear god not this, not in front of everyone and i literally run away bc i can't handle confrontation and being honest abt how i feel (bc nobody ever believes or understands me, now that i think abt it). but then i realized that i should go back and be honest bc he probably thinks i'm a horrible person for just running away for no reason.

we go somewhere (mostly) private and then i do the most characteristic thing i could do in this situation which was to literally start telling him everything from the beginnning - elementary school. when all of a sudden this random girl is like omg [redacted]? and she's interrupting while i'm in literal chaos and then i snap at her like please give us some privacy please in the most intense yet polite way i could muster. i turn back to [redacted] and. he's tying his fucking shoelaces. i literally die inside. i'm laying my bare soul to him and he's tying his shoelaces.

that's when i woke up and i got so pissed at the universe and myself. this man that i swear i don't give a shit about is haunting my dreams all because one time someone asked me who my crush was in elementary and i decided to choose the decent white boy in my tiny catholic school.

-boys anon

anon r u ok 😭😭😭

anonymously tell me a secret