#acatnamedturtle

[acatnamedturtle]

Writing

It's been awhile since I've really done any major writing, either via role playing or fanfiction writing. I really want to get back into writing again. It's frustrating not creating, though not creating is my own fault as I've had severe loss of muses and just cannot find a voice of a character like I have in the past. I'm thinking maybe I should start coming up with writing prompts and use those to craft short little blurbs. Get back into writing.

[persnikity-blog]

Just one more pic of my silly cat! #acatnamedturtle #persiancatsofinstagram

[acatnamedturtle]

Life Isn't Just About Work

When we were growing up, my dad worked a lot. Both at his job and as a volunteer for the local ambulance services. He lead by example when it came to showing us kids what hard work can bring to ones life. Hard work is something that I strive for every day in the job that I do. Yet I also know, life can't be just about work.

It's not healthy for a person, and it's not healthy for relationships either.

There needs to be a balance when it comes to the daily grind, and I've slowly been trying to learn how to balance all that. I'm failing miserably at the moment, but I'm trying. The hardest thing for me is cleaning and just general house hold chores. I want to do them, I start to do them, but for health reasons that we'll get into later, more days than not, I just can't do more than five or ten minutes. And that isn't enough to keep an entire house clean and organized. What about that family I mentioned, can't they just keep the house clean.

Mom has her own health issues, and while she tries to help, physically with her disability, she can't. It frustrates her beyond belief, and at times, depresses her. Until I started dealing with my own disabilities that prevent me from doing what I used to, I didn't get what she was talking about. To me, I just figured mom deserved a break, to let me take care of her for a change. She worked hard when we were growing up, working nights and weekends to help provide for the family while taking care of my brother and I during the day, and after my parents divorced, she worked three jobs. And maybe if she'd been able to work until retirement and than retire, it wouldn't be so bad, but she couldn't. She was forced onto disability due to her own body failing her.

But that's all for another time.

When I'm not working, I have a bunch of hobbies that I enjoy. So many people are passionate about one or two topics, maybe three, and they're good at them; I'm not. There's actually nothing I'm truly passionate about, except perhaps reading, but there are many different things that I enjoy. Throughout our journey together, you'll hear a lot about them, and perhaps even enjoy some that we can connect on.

[acatnamedturtle]

So Who Am I?

Well, I suppose from my first post, you kind of know that I'm not going to tell you exactly who I am, or other identifying information, but I can give you a general sense of who this person writing the blog is. First, call me Kat. That's easy enough. I suppose you could call me Turtle if you wanted to, but the real cat named Turtle might get a bit upset. She's partial to her name and hates when we accidentally call her adopted sisters by said name. So Kat it is. Short for Katniss...or Katherine. The choice is yours!

And as you've probably guessed, I'm not a just bloomed flower, entering into my twenties. No, that ship sailed. And apparently the mid-life ship cruised into my life without me realizing it. For almost a year. Bloody nice realization to have while cooking dinner last night. Surprising it took that long actually. But then, the last two years have been full of tremendous change, health challenges, and death.

Not my own death, of course, but beloved pets and family members.

It does show how much I've grown over the past twenty-plus years that the various challenges since 2020 have not found me curled up on a therapists couch again, crying and paying them to be my only friend. Yay for that.

An introverted homebody, I'm truly happier at home with family, and chatting with my close circle of friends. Not that I'm not open to adding more friends - I just find it so very difficult to actually make friends as an adult, especially as I mentioned I'm more of a homebody. Who doesn't drink. Or particularly like bars and clubs. Or large groups of people. Or small groups of people where small talk must be exchanged. As you can imagine with those fine endorsements, I'm single and haven't really dated much since those days of LiveJournal. Part of that was from a broken heart given by the lies of my first love - and long-term middle school/high school boyfriend. The other just that I always feel so very old fashioned in the modern world of dating.

But I do have family that I'm close to - my mom, who you'll learn about as she's one of my best friends and the person that I try to take care of as she's got her own health issues, my younger brother and his wife, my adorable nieces, and the three furballs who I lovingly call my children. There's Turtle who is the oldest, a 5 1/2 year old grey tabby, Goat the middle child who is just over 2 years orange tabby, and Bear who is the youngest at 1 month younger than Goat and who is a Calico. I love them all dearly, and love that we were able to rescue them and give them great a home.

Do I wish I was married? Ask those around me, and you'll hear I'm always telling them no. But I'll let you in on a secret, I do wish I was. Or at least in a long-term committed relationship. Being single has its advantages - no sharing the remote to think of one off the top of my head - but I always pictured myself married with children. Or divorced with children depending on the day. Having a child or children is so much a dream of mine. And I get that people do the single mom things all the time. I'm totally up for that. Yet one of those challenges that life has thrown at my over the past twenty-plus years makes that more difficult.

Go out and sleep with some random guy.

I've been told that. Not sure that's the best route to take, inflicting potential parent-hood on some random stranger. More than that though, I've known for close to twenty years now that I can't safely carry a child. Oh I can get pregnant the doctors think, but the potential for stroke and death are apparently high for me. It's also one of the biggest reasons I probably never dated much - aside from that broken heart.

Dating means sex.

Sex potentially could lead to pregnancy. Not birth control is 100% effective aside from abstinence.

Pregnancy most likely would lead to death. Or abortion.

And while I fully support a woman's right to choose, I choose that abortion is not something I could do or would be comfortable with.

Abstinence it was and is.

[acatnamedturtle]

Finding Hope

It's hard to fathom that it's been over twenty since I created my first of many journals on LiveJournal. There, I was able to connect with those who shared my varied interests, participate in the various fandoms before it was popular to do so, make some amazing lifelong online friends, and truthfully, express myself in ways that I seemingly couldn't in my everyday life. I expanded my self-taught knowledge of online coding, learned how to make icons - about the extent of my graphic artist capabilities, and learned that I wasn't a defective human being.

I know, something that most people aren't.

At 19 though, I didn't fully appreciate that.

Now, twenty-two or so years later, I'm finding that I really miss that ability to connect with people through writing online and just being somewhat anonymous. LiveJournal is still around, as are other sites running the same basic kind of software like InsaneJournal and DreamWidth, but there's disadvantages there. LiveJournal is more Russian based now that it's owned by Russia, and it doesn't have that same feeling as it used to. I checked out one of my old journals - yes, I can still access it surprisingly - but the site in general just doesn't...feel right. Plus, honestly, the rise of Facebook and Twitter kindof killed those online journal social media sites.

So I find myself here, at WordPress and Tumblr, as I need to find that safe space to unload the various thoughts in my head and just ... connect with people again. My life has been in upheaval for a number of reasons, and it's just feeling so overwhelming and somewhat hopeless again. Being anonymous is so freeing. That disconnect from my everyday life where I don't feel judged on what I'm thinking or doing, even if those in my life aren't actually judging me and it's just my brain talking.

[persnikity-blog]

#mybeautifulbabygirl #acatnamedturtle #lazysunday #persiancatsofinstagram

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I'm in love with him! ❤ #persiancat #acatnamedturtle #grumpylove

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