#actually it started getting real bad in 2021 and continued into 2022 but i think. i hope things are changing for the better o.o

[asshuka]

the year transition umi returns!!! whoa!!!!! it’s the tea party set!

patreon | kofi | commissions | more linkz

just realized the doodles aren’t very well categorized on my blog so. previous umis under the cut

2015 -> 2016

2016 -> 2017

2017 -> 2018

2018 -> 2019

2019 -> 2020 i tried to draw a bunch of characters who are close to my heart and intended to end with umi but i became too physically unwell to finish

2020 -> 2021

2021 -> 2022 There Was A Darkness Growing Within Me.

2022 -> 2023 HERE!

[project-sekai-facts]

hi! first off, wanted to say thank you for all the fun facts - truly makes my day whenever there’s a new post from this blog :D

secondly, not sure if anyone else has asked this, but i was wondering what your thoughts are on whether a cohesive in-universe timeline of events could actually be constructed? (someday, from the depths of despair happening before n25 main story, l/n main story happening in the beginning of the school year, etc.) i’d imagine you’d have to ignore or somehow squish together all the holiday/seasonal events, or is it simply impossible to squeeze about three years of events into one cohesive ‘canon’ year?

anyways, hope you have a good rest of your day/evening :) keep up the good work!

Omg thank you?? I'm honoured haha

This is my pepe silvia moment sorry

Never underestimate my probable neurodivergence. It's a work in progress and I want to try and get it done by September but the horrible amount of anachronisms in the main story is killing me. Like WxS simultaneously has to be the first and last main story because it needs to happen before the MMJ and VBS stories but also after Leo/need but that takes place at the same time as MMJ but also before it and WxS also has to be after VBS because WxS isn't a thing when akitoya divorce but then Leo/need doesn't exist when akitoya divorce either Saki isn't even at school yet which means there's no MMJ either but WxS exists before Kohane cuts her hair and MMJ story is in progress when that happens like what. I'm calling this confirmation that the main stories were written by 5 different teams. That or no one proofread anything. Oh there's also a massive error with Haruka's age where they say she's 16 but based on when the story is set she should be 15 and the game insists she was never pushed back a year. Thanks colopale.

Anyway since only one main story mentions a date as far as I remember (WxS) I've been trying to build it off of that. There are still errors because the date mentioned is "first day of school break", you can work out that they're talking about summer break by process of elimination but then none of the other units go on summer vacation. But like we'll just ignore that because I'm too tired to deal with colopale's bad continuity writing. Also the game takes place in the 2021-2022 school year because the only date ever shown in game was 2021 and it was in an event set in September/October. The Leo/need socmed posts have mentioned other dates but we'll ignore that also.

And because I misread your question yes you can squeeze everything into a canon year...kinda. You have to timeloop it because they straight up mention in secret distance that they're going on spring break (end of school year break) and literally don't even bring up the fact that it's the end of the school year.

So I think based on what I've got right now:

WxS main story is during summer break and a week or so prior.

Which means Saki and Haruka return to school in June or July probably (they start at around the same time and it's not mentioned that Haruka starts at the beginning of the school year)

and then VBS happens once the WxS story is done (we'll call that after summer break. so september)

Miyajou doesn't get a summer break that year to fix anachronisms rip

Then we skip september for every unit except VBS and pretty much follow the events in order until we get to Secret Distance (March 2022) and loop back to April 2021 and keep doing that at every half anniversary event.

I'm assuming when we reach 3rd we'll skip all the way from September 2021 to April 2022, not timeloop and then pretend that May->September 2022 isn't real and do a Halloween event.

All the flashback events fit onto the timeline without me having to change anything somehow so at least I can respect colopale for that

This is fine

Hatsune Miku broke space-time

[gaslightgallows]

September 2023 Writing Round-Up

I just checked my tags, and I haven't done one of these since… three years ago. Exactly three years ago yesterday (9/29/20), to be precise. Which was pretty much when my mental health and my personal life started to crumble in earnest, and it took my desire to write for public consumption along with it.

Most of what I did for the rest of 2020/2021 were either struggling to finish works in progress (and largely failing) or archiving stuff from my LJ days. I didn't post anything in 2022. I was still writing (a lot) but it was either for Patreon (…fuck, right, I have a Patreon) or it was personal, not meant to be shared.

And then Good Omens came back and ended up being really fucking relevant to my life, and @meldanya44 was there urging me to get back into writing for other people besides her. I think it was a good idea, over all. ♥

So… yeah. Thanks, Good Omens fandom, for reminding me that writing is meant to be shared, and that I am a prompt-based lifeform. (I'll be putting up a new prompt list tomorrow, if anyone wants an artisanally crafted bespoke ficlet of their very own.)

Anyway, here's what I did in September:

Authorial Intent (G, one-shot): Michael’s plan to erase Aziraphale from the Book of Life has certain… flaws. A revision of the final season of S2 Ep6, where the Metatron does not make an appearance. (Actually posted at the end of August but this is my list and it counts. Written very shortly after I finished S2 for the first time. Effervescing with joy.)

Put Out the Stars (T, currently a one-shot, planning to continue): Crowley stole the photo of himself and Aziraphale from the shop a long time ago. (Inspired by one of @fellshish's asks. Angst angst angst… with more to come!)

An Invisible Wound (T, one-shot): “I almost killed you tonight.” “I almost got you killed tonight.” Their first kiss, soft and futile, is in 1941. (Bittersweet canon-compliant 1941 truthers unite.)

After the Rain (T, one-shot; for @meldanya44): The Second Coming has come and gone, and Crowley was calling him ‘angel’ again. (Wonderful quiet post-series fluff.)

Like Petals in a Storm (M, currently a standalone but working on a sequel; for @meldanya44): Between the discorporation and the almost-execution, Aziraphale’s having a bit of trouble keeping body and soul together. (My reputation-mandated 'one partner helps another bathe' fic.)

The Taste of Salt (G, one-shot; for @iamhisgloriouspurpose): The lingering taste of ox ribs are bitter and rich in Aziraphale's mouth, and he isn't sure what he believes anymore. (Continues the 'I'm not taking you to Hell, angel' scene in the Ep2 minisode. Nice and angsty. No one seems to like this one and I'm not sure why.)

Pipe Dream (G, one-shot; for @unwholesome-gay): All Aziraphale has ever wanted is to give heaven back to Crowley. (Domestic fluff about Aziraphale buying the South Downs cottage for Crowley. Fun fact: I struggled to write this and finally posted it in dismay and tried to forget about it. And then my inbox exploded with HEARTS, so I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought.)

The Patience of Angels, Chs 1-4 (M, multi-chapter WIP): An old enemy is on the hunt for the demon known as Crowley, and it will take all the powers of one very protective angel to save him. But in keeping Crowley safe, Aziraphale will uncover more of the terrible truths of Heaven than he ever wanted to know. (The longfic I first conceived of in 2019 and then never got around to finishing enough to post, and am now trying to revise the HELL out of in real-time because the original version doesn't work anymore. I love this fic with a burning passion and hope it finds an audience someday… which it probably will if I can update it, y'know, more often than once a month…)

Fics Posted: 8 Word Count: 28,182

I'm never going to be as prolific as I was when I was in the MCU fandom and had a much less-hectic job, but I'd call that a decent comeback. Thanks, everyone. ♥

[echodrops]

The Promises I Made (2023)

Oh man. Oh man.

At the end of last year, I said that I had really struggled through 2022 and hoped that 2023 would be an easier year, but also that I didn't want to count any chickens. Which was... ultimately the right mindset to have, because 2023 was even worse for me than 2022. Between the stressors of work, money, and things just falling apart on me left and right (car is still in need of $3000 worth of work...), I couldn't be more glad that 2023 is over.

Consequently, it was a very bad year for promises. Possibly the worst year I've ever had since I started, actually. Oof, icing on the cake after all the disappointment I dealt with this year.

Still, a tradition is a tradition. Here are the promises I made for this last year!

2023 Promises

1) Work on the Texas house yard. It’s still never really recovered from the frost that killed everything in 2021 and it looks pretty shabby right now.

Status: Broken, mostly. I did have the gardener come and do a lot of trimming as well as take out one dead tree, but still, one dead tree remains, and the tree in the backyard has grown roots so big now that they've exposed a underground wire, so uhhhh... gonna have to deal with that this year...

2) Get both bedroom floors sanded in the Utah house upstairs.

Status: Broken. This just didn't happen. No money. But it really, really needs to happen soon though... Oof...

3) Get the Utah house sprinklers up and working ALL the way for this summer.

Status: Broken. This is the hardest promise on this list, I swear to god. This city in Utah has NO ONE who is willing to work on normal residential sprinklers. Please someone save me.

4) Actually get the back fence fixed up and the greenery back there trimmed and managed.

Status: Broken. Well, one day...

4) Put a new sink/vanity in the downstairs bathroom of the Utah house.

Status: Broken. I sure... made a lot of promises about the Utah house, didn't I... Where did I think all this money would come from...

5) Related to that, lose at least 20 pounds. 2020-2022 was not kind to me and the stress eating was real.

Status: Broken. I didn't gain weight this year but I didn't lose any either. RIP.

6) Take my mom on a road trip to one of the U.S. states that she has not been to before.

Status: Broken. I was busy all summer and we just didn't do this.

7) Get back in touch with the allergy specialist to continue working on my allergy/inflammation issues.

Status: Broken. Yikes, seven in a row without a single kept promise. Anyway, I did want to do this, but again, the surgery they want me to have will take all my insurance and then $2000 out of pocket. It's just... not going to happen...

8) Go through my closets and donate or throw away clothes that I know I will not wear.

Status: KEPT. Oh my god, one I actually did. I ended up donating SO MANY shirts to Goodwill.

9) Finish at least five books this year.

Status: Broken. I finished two I believe. But... maybe the 50+ 100k word fanfics I read this year could count instead?

10) Organize my documents (especially student papers)—my desktop and documents folders give me nightmares just looking at them. 

Status: Broken. Jesus, why am I so allergic to this promise? I think it's been on the list for like three years running now.

11) Help Kacchan through her first semester as a teacher! Exciting!!

Status: According to Kacchan herself, this promise has been kept. Go me.

12) Get a decent paper shredder to shred old mail. 

Status: Kept! I finally got a shredder!!

13) Clean off my back patio/car port area so I can park my car there again.

Status: Broken. Literally there's not that much stuff out there other than my coworker's old bikes she dumped on me. Why have I not done this...

14) Get the Texas house dishwasher fixed… I’m so tired of washing dishes by hand… How do people do this, oof.

Status: Kept! I got a newwww dishwasherrrrrr. I am so happy...

15) 100% complete FF16 babyyyyy!!

Status: Broken. I played it, but did not 100%. Too busy. TvT

16) Talk to an HR rep about my retirement savings so that I can consolidate my retirement accounts. I have been putting this off for like five years now.

Status: Broken. I think this has been on the list for years too. And given the current uncertainty of my workplace, I honestly think at this point I might be better off not asking anyone who works there for any financial advice...

17) Do at least one artwork to actually use that new paint program I bought. 

Status: Broken. Well, I THOUGHT about it. Does that count?

18) Pay my credit debt down by at least $2000. I’m still paying off the hell year but I hope I can make progress on this.

Status: Broken. The hell year of last year became Hell Year 2.0, Economic Boogaloo this year. So many things went wrong and had to be paid for. My wallet is C R Y I N G.

19) Finish making changes to master courses. No more major revisions!

Status: You know what, I'm going to count this as kept, because we're now down to the really specific courses that only one or two professors teach. So, close enough!!

20) See a zone-tailed hawk. This is another rare-but-possible bird for my area.

Status: Kept! Conveniently, one flew over my car one day?? I got only a terrible cellphone photo, but I did see it. Yay!

21) Attend the FFXIV Fanfest in Las Vegas!

Status: Broken. I tried!! But I did not win the lottery for a ticket, so I was not able to go. This one was pretty much out of my hands, though.

22) Update HaaH at least once. Please, Echo???

Status: ...I'm sorry, forgive meeee. OTL

23) Get the small leak fixed in the side bathroom of the Texas house and have the faucets replaced.

Status: Plumbers are... so expensive... Broken.

24) Look into the cost of light housekeeping services to give myself a little more time to do things that aren’t work.

Status: Technically kept... in that I did look into the costs... But ultimately, I chickened out of contacting anyone. I don't know why, but I feel like even if I got a housekeeper, I would be so embarrassed by my house being messy, I would frantically clean it the day before the housekeeper arrived anyway...

25) Catch up with hanging up all the charms/pins I’ve gotten recently on my corkboards; these are just sitting in boxes/bags around the house. D;

Status: Broken. My god, I thought about doing this so many times this year but I just never did it... I even both MORE charms and then didn't hang them.

26) Use Spotify more often or cancel my Spotify Premium subscription; it’s not worth it if I don’t use it.

Status: Kept. I cancelled it when they decided to raise the price. Cancelled Amazon Prime and Netflix this year too. Honestly way too tired of companies raising the prices of subscription services while offering LESS quality than in prior years.

27) Get an art display book to preserve my great grandfather’s artworks.

Status: Kept. They are safeeeee now.

28) Fix the screens on the Texas house.

Status: Broken. Probably for the best I didn't do this though, since the dog developed a habit of scratching at the office WINDOW to be let back into the house...

29) Bird watch at a specific location in Texas. It’s my secret where since I’d rather not share my specific location on social media, but let’s hope I can finally make it to this place!

Status: Kept. I didn't see many birds there though, RIP.

30) Finally get rid of the dirt pile in the front of the Utah house.

Status: Broken. I feel like the dirt pile is getting smaller and smaller over time as erosion takes its natural course, but I didn't really do anything to decrease the pile this year.

31) Sign NeNe (my puppy) up for the intermediate dog training course.

Status: Broken. I thought about this several times, but decided not to in the end. I wasn't massively impressed by the trainer she had for her puppy class, and honestly she's pretty decent at learning things at home anyway.

32) This is super nerdy, but my bro got me the FFXIV cookbook and made me promise to actually use it, so I guess I’d better at least try to make something from it.

Status: Broken. I keep making this promise and continually forget it, over and over.

33) Take down the remains of the wooden fence posts at the Utah house.

Status: Broken. This one I could have done and just... did not do. I'm pretty useless.

34) Take part in the fitness challenge at work this coming semester.

Status: Broken. To be fair to me though, in August I fractured my pelvis and basically couldn't do anything past basic walking all the way until December so I kind of have a semi-reasonable excuse for this one.

35) I will remember to take my medicine on time, all the time. Taking them late is messing things up quite a bit.

Status: Mostly kept. There was a night or two where I did forget, but since I literally require this medicine to live, I can basically immediately tell when I need to take it again, so most nights I do take it on time.

36) Get a stand for the toaster oven in the break room so we can finally use it!

Status: I'm going to count this as kept even though we did not get a new stand. Instead, we rearranged the order of the room to make it possible to fit both the toaster over and the microwave on the same countertop. So the toaster oven can indeed be used now!

37) Get my car detailed because the inside really needs to be vacuumed.

Status: Broken. My god, the car needs this so desperately now. But... money...

38) Go horseback riding on the island. I’ve never ridden on a beach before!

Status: Broken. Nobody really seemed that interested in going with me, and I thought it would be weird to go alone...

39) Eat healthier. Maybe cutting out snacks is too much to ask, but at least replace some average meals with salads, etc. and overall make an effort to actually eat better. Sometimes the fact that I feel like garbage is my own fault.

Status: Broken. The stress eating was extreme this last year. Please save me.

40) Wait, I should probably acquire a Playstation 5 so I can actually play my new copy of FF16, lol.

Status: Kept.

41) Help make sure the new tutoring requirement for the English classes goes over well.

Status: Kept, in that I did the best I could with a very, very weird plan. We immediately abandoned this plan the moment the grant expired anyway, since no one liked what admin had wanted us to do.

42) Finish decorating the main office. I’ll feel better if my workplace reflects the level of professionalism and school spirit that I envisioned it having this year.

Status: Broken, and I'm not going to roll this one over to the next year because I am 100% stepping down from my current administrative position and going back to being a full-time instructor again, so I will not need to decorate the main office anymore! Whoo!

43) Catch every variant of Vivillon in Pokemon Go. I’m currently missing Icy Snow, Marine, Meadow, Monsoon, Ocean, Polar, River, Sandstorm, Savanna, Sun, and Tundra, if anyone would like to be friends!

Status: Broken. I caught some of the ones I was missing but I really didn't play as much Pokemon Go this year. Broken pelvis decreasing walking ability but also just got tired of the game pushing more and more microtransactions, so I kinda took a longggg break.

44) Try to be more comprehensive with giving feedback to students. I’m always good at providing detailed comments on essays, but I’d like to spend more time commenting on smaller assignments too this year.

Status: Broken. Every year I try, every year I feel like I still haven't given enough. Maybe the issue with this promise is that I don't really know what is "enough" for the students compared to what I personally think I should give...

45) Make sure the retirement party for my coworkers who retired this year goes off without a hitch and honors them well.

Status: Kept. Oh, this was so nice and so much fun. It was really great seeing the retiring faculty members so emotional over how much we were able to honor them and their contributions to the school.

46) Take part in more activities on campus; I have a tendency to not attend many events because they’re in the evening when I’m tired, but I should really stay more often.

Status: Kept, though mostly by necessity. I kept constantly getting called in to help on things, even in other departments.

47) Write some Chainsaw Man fanfic for @mistystarshine!

Status: Broken. I'm so sorry, this just did not happen. I wish my work schedule was manageable instead of actually insane. There are so many things I want to write and do for myself, rather than for work...

48) Help my parents tear out the carpet in my old childhood bedroom.

Status: Broken. My mom talked about it a lot, but it never ended up happening.

49) Do something to destress (massage, pedicure, something?) at least once per month. I gotta take better care of myself…

Status: Broken. So broken. I only got more stressed this year. More and more and more and more...

50) I will keep my promises! 

Status: Oof, mostly broken. Next year I'm going to set a reminder for myself so that I remember to check my promises every few weeks or something...

Kept promises: 15

Broken promises: 35

Another year, another chance, I guess. See you all in 2024!

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

slides into your inbox

hi i uh. drank a sinister potion (dr. pepper) on the way to school this morning and the problem with perfection filled my head for the fiftieth time so. i'm here now. soooo uh, warning for a very crazy caffeine induced audhd rant. 👍

i just like.... kinda wanna let u know how much this fic means to me. like fr. like seriously. it means a lot to me. we've been mutuals for a while so i feel like now's def a good time (and a long time coming lmao)

iirc i found ur fic when i was in the danganronpa trenches in like, 2021/2022 i think? it was summer and i had nothing better to do with my free time and i was super bored and ishimondo was my personality and i found it while going thru ao3 and was like "yeah. this sounds cool"

and i did NOT know what i was getting into let me tell you. adored the writing really fast. ur skill level actually blew me the fuck away like. instantly. all the characters were incredibly in character, everything was so detailed and i LOVED the fact that you made your writing very emotion driven. like you wrote a lot with like, exaggerated punctuation and pauses and spaces and stuff that i rarely ever see but i feel like your writing was like, so much better for that??? its something i've started to use in my writing because it just draws you in so much and just. puts you into their shoes almost instantly. like it sounds like you're in their head. like i think like that (got that narrator brain in me) and it was just so cool to see someone write like that. got a lot of good moments

and i honest to god binged that fic because it had me by a chokehold. like i'm talking i barely got sleep because i was so excited to read the next chapter the next day that my body would wake me up earlier. and i'd pull it out and binge the next chapter. and when i got to a point where the chapters where still being updated, i remember checking like. every sunday night or so every week to see if it got updated. so many cliffhangers that i was not normal about..........

and i recommended it to EVERYONE i knew that was into danganronpa. like i did not care if they usually read fanfiction or not i would sit there and go on infodump rants about this gay fanfiction i found on the gay fanfiction site and ik i confused them but like. that was how good it was to me. felt like it was a real book. and not only that i honest to god felt like i was reading about me.

like the way you wrote taka meant and continues to mean so much to me to this fucking day because i rarely ever see characters that are like me, at least in an honest to god way. and i was already connected to taka and loved him but i think you made him feel like an extension of me in a way and it just like. idk. it spoke to me man. ik i sound dramatic but it did.

like an autistic queer kid with a strict parent being thrown into so many situations where you just automatically assume everyone else is watching you, judging you, based on past trauma and experiences and just. at the same time so emotional and passionate and just genuine for lack of a better term. and the panic attacks that were written i actually almost had some during reading it because i felt it. that felt like me honest to god (not a bad thing btw!!! i am ok!! but that's a compliment because that's how accurate it was!!)

and during a time where i was dating people who just. idk its hard to explain. i knew they cared about me but there were so many times where there were disconnects. sexuality and gender (gender's not really a part of the story ik but yk what i mean) was a big one. and i felt how he would feel when mondo wasn't exactly the best when it came to his behaviors and expressions of love.

and now i'm with someone who is like. mondo at all his best moments. and even when he matches mondo's lower ones it feels like, there's more times where we can do what they did in the fic and work through it. be there for each other because even if we're both fucked up yk we can like. work through it. and that's so cool honestly?? its not transactional, it means something. i've felt both sides and it's so. crazy to me. it's just wild.

and while i didn't read a lot of it (mental health was NOT in a space where i could i'm gonna be so real) the other installment, the one where mondo comes over to taka's house and they gotta hide and stuff? i've felt that. god i've felt that. my current boyfriend (also a trans man) and i have had so many times where we've had to act as "friends" and hide our romantic gestures and being so deathly afraid of getting caught yk?

idk this fic made me feel seen, and i wonder if there's like... anyone else that feels that way. idk i feel like their definitely is. and i just kinda wanna like. thank you for writing something that just. made me feel heard in a time when i really really needed it. even if we didn't know each other it felt so wild to have a stranger sit there and give me and indirect hug and let me know that i am not the only guy struggling out there with this stuff. it's changed the way i view myself and how i view the world and it's so cool to me that even fanfiction of all things can do that. that's nuts man. you did that and i really wanna emphasize that you should be proud of that. that's so cool. you're writing is so fucking cool man.

and also another thing i. love. that you also wrote about sex being a form of like. expressing love for some people. i am demisexual so like. seeing a character that seemed to also exhibit that and really only feel and have that strong attraction to someone they love romantically and have a connection with, and do it to let the other person know they love them. it's like. that's cool. that's so cool. i'm shaking you that's so cool /pos

and while i'm not fixated on dr right now (as you can. probably tell. (btw obligatory "watch lego monkie kid but also you do not have to i just wanna let you know its cool" plug because of Tha Autism(tm)), and while my comic i was going to make is on a very long hiatus bc adhd is beating the shit out of me, i really want you to know how much i appreciate this fic and how much it just. lives in my brain. how much it makes me emotional to this day because it spoke to me; some random dude who was just getting out of high school who fucking needed that really really bad. and also i want you to know how excited i was when we become mutuals and i'm really really lucky to have someone so cool as my mutual, and you've become even cooler in my brain now that we're kinda yk. in a vaguely similar circle.

anyways i appreciate you so much!!!! and even if we're in different fandoms and stuff, and even if tpwp is also not being continued/on a hiatus i still appreciate what you did with it, and what you do now. don't understand all the fandoms you post but i got that respect for it. i'm in the corner with pom poms cheering u on.

so um. yeah! that was long. but i'm hyped up on caffeine and neurodivergent so ujhm. yea. hopefully this made sense lmao

~ your very much not normal mutual tyler 👍

Okay, sorry for the late response, I saw this when I got up this morning and needed the day to figure how to respond because this was. So much (in a good way I promise!!!!)

So, first of all, THANK YOU FOR THIS!! It's easy as a fic writer to feel discouraged with your writing, or to feel like you're not as "good" as other people, and it's things like this that remind me that whether or not I'm a "good writer," what I write does matter to people. And that's just... really special to me, so thank you for writing this all. It means so much to me.

I'm glad you like the dramatic pauses and the way I write, though! When I was younger, I always tried to limit doing that sort of thing, since I knew it wasn't considered "good" or "proper" writing. But with TPWP I just... decided to let myself write how I wanted to write and not think too much about it. I wrote TPWP kind of how I think, because I wanted it to feel like it was Taka's thoughts and emotions, even if it wasn't in first person. And I'm really glad that came across!

I've always been really big into psychology and introspection, which is one of the main reasons I write about things like that a lot. I like to get into characters heads and try to figure them out. See what they'd be like if this thing happened, or if this thing hadn't happened, etc. I write about struggles, because I struggled as a kid, but in more quiet ways. I mean, all things considered I had a good life. supportive, loving parents and older brother, good grades, people generally liked me and I never got in trouble. But I was so determined to do well that I psyched myself out. I was terrified of disappointing people and losing what I had, and I crumbled in middle and high school. Luckily I had good parents so I was able to stumble through it, but it always left me feeling isolated, since I could never articulate why I felt so off inside. It wasn't until I took an "abnormal psych" class in college that I even realized I had intense anxiety.

All of this to say that I'm glad I was able to resonate with you through my writing. I could never find the words to articulate myself when I was younger, so I took to writing to try and connect with people, to get a message across. Most of my stories have some form of "moral" or "lesson" that I'm trying to get across, lessons that I had to learn myself growing up. TPWP's was that perfection is impossible and that you have to learn to accept yourself for who you are. Honestly, I put the most of myself into Taka, since while I never had a distant parental figure who wanted me to be absolutely perfect, I was kinda that figure to myself. I wanted so badly to be "perfect" and "the favorite" and when I wasn't, I freaked out. I shut down and couldn't even explain to my parents why. So, with TPWP, I wanted to let other people know that it's okay to just... be you.

I don't know if any of this is making any sense, sorry. I had a long day at work and my head is a bit jumbled. Mostly just... thanks for writing this. Things have been tough lately between school and work, and it's nice to be reminded that my stories do matter to people. I never wanted to be a professional writer, but I did always want to write something that made someone, somewhere, feel something. Hopefully something good, something cathartic.

Oh, and as for the sex thing... that was honestly unintended, ha. But I'm Ace, so to me, that's what sex is. Or what it should be. A way to connect emotionally with your partner above all else. Honestly, the only reason I wrote sex into TPWP was to explore the way it would interact with their friendship, not to be like... sexual, ha. Glad you liked how I wrote it!

Anyway, thanks again for writing this!! And I'm glad we're mutuals too! Yeah, I am part of some interesting fandoms on my main blog, but I'm glad it's not too off-putting, ha. I'll try and check out that show some day, though! I don't have a lot of emotional energy to get into a new show at the moment (as I'm sure some people can understand, since starting a new fandom can be a lot at times), but maybe once (IF) things calm down for me I'll take a look! I have seen a lot of posts about the monkie kid show, not just from you, so it's something I might check out one of these days. I'm mostly waiting for Our Flag Means Death season 2 to air tomorrow so I can get washed away into Pirate Town for the next month or so, while the episodes release. 😅😅😅

[meatsuit]

Notes on where I'm at rn with my mental health journey

It's so odd reading posts of mine from 2021 and 2022. Not long ago at all-- I was dating Caroline, and living in the same apartment-- but a large part of that person is gone. Almost like I figuratively died, or at least some part of me that has followed me around all my life is gone now, and I'm experiencing the world so differently. I'm still dealing with the same anxieties and uncertainties and many of the same assumptions, but somewhere between my aortic dissection and the rest of 2023 I gained a kind of awareness I couldn't access before. I can feel myself, I can access more of my emotions. I'm getting better at seeing the world clearly, about seeing my own motives clearly. I'm not stumbling around covering my eyes, I've lifted the hand off and understand more about what I'm stumbling into and what my direction is. It's been hard, dreary work. The improved clarity I've been developing during my present extends to the past, and it's iterative-- all the time I'm looking back and seeing some other thing I didn't understand about myself or the situation, finding new things to regret or mourn or forgive. I'm noticing more things in situations in real time, too, all the time getting better at thoughtfully engaging or disengaging while minimizing reactivity. I'm still very socially anxious. My understanding that I have very little trust in other people is still a new one, and I've been grappling bitterly with the catastrophizing or avoidance that springs from that lack of trust. The extreme disdain I hold for myself remains difficult to dispel; I still feel unable to see myself from the pov of anything but some bad faith third person hater, which in turn makes the lack of trust and catastrophizing worse-- if I can always find something to hate about myself when I'm just sitting there, or when I demonstrate some aspect of my personality at all-- why would I think other people can tolerate me? Why would I find value in taking risks, in engaging with others, in extending myself in some productive task or social enterprise? It's as if for my whole life before 2022, I was attempting suicide as passively as possible. Artlessly striving toward relevance and happiness as some sort of desperate, imperative bid for life, but constantly sabotaging that bid with inaction, disconnection, and protective obliviousness. I can now see what I've been doing, and why, with a profound and surprising clarity-- and it feels like this ever improving clarity has accelerated quickly from the worst thing I could ever explore to a celebrated, if still scary, part of my day-to-day life. The next hurdle I think, while I continue to work on my awareness and level of mental engagement with myself and the world, is to start actually physically interacting with other people and the world in the ways I want to interact with them, without freaking out and withdrawing if things go in scary, ambiguous, uncertain, or disappointing directions. Becoming a confident and responsible actor, working on becoming self-possessed, reliable, mobile, and tactile. That's even harder than what I'm already doing. But it's the next step for sure!

[daily-rayless]

5 Years of Aloy

Continuing my character appreciation series, it's time we turned to Aloy.

August 2018. Pretty sure these were my first sketches of her.

I started Horizon Zero Dawn in May 2018 – I can always remember, because it was very appropriately Mother's Day. I think it was the first open world game I'd ever played, and I just found the whole universe to be so engrossing – a mix of postapocalyptic sci fi, the Iron Age, and cavemen vs dinosaurs.

September 2018 (trying to draw a Watcher)

But of course Aloy herself was a big part of the appeal. Can I relate to her? No, I'm not a genius prodigy with no friends. But I can admire Aloy – her smarts, her bravery, her utter fed-up-edness. She's always fun to follow alongside as a protagonist.

January 2019

Playing HZD fell around the same time I decided I wanted to get back to posting online regularly again. This 1/19 picture was one of the first things I posted. I was so surprised and pleased when Guerilla Games reblogged/favorited it on Tumblr and DeviantArt.

June 2019 (Aloy and her early concept horse)

So I associate Aloy and HZD with a pretty positive time in my life.

October 2019 (Aloy on an original unicorn machine, because why shouldn't we have unicorns in the postapocalypse?)

And one thing I especially liked about Forbidden West is that it highlighted Aloy's faults. There were times in Zero Dawn where things came so easily to Aloy and it felt like she was always unilaterally in the right, the one sane person in the universe. Forbidden West showed that she was far from perfect, and I welcomed that.

November 2019

Aloy is generous, self-sacrificial but still aware of her own worth; powerful, driven, and always planning ahead. But she's emotionally short-sighted, inflexible at times, and I think she could actually be cruel under the right circumstances. As with Elisabet, her altruism is a love that “bruises”.

December 2019

She's intriguing and inspiring, so it comes as no surprise that I ended up drawing her a fair bit, especially given the fandom still felt so new and vibrant.

January 2020 (trying to draw a Stalker is harder than trying to draw a Watcher)

Also her hair is glorious.

January 2020

Drawing Aloy presents a number of consistent challenges for me. First of all, she's based on a real person. That makes it a lot harder for me to fall back on stylistic shortcuts. Even if I'm not a realistic artist, I still want to catch something of the “soul” of the actor and leave her recognizable.

March 2020

For another, all of Aloy's costumes are intricate. Sometimes I use references, but more often I'll put her in an outfit of my own design, throwing in elements from the different in-game tribes – as I think people would really do, if these cultures really existed. And certainly something that I think “Aloy Despite the Nora” would do.

February 2021

The designers at GG once congratulated themselves that one of Aloy's virtues is that she doesn't care about stereotypically “feminine” things like make up and clothes and jewelry. Along with that just being a bad take on a number of fronts, I've never believed it. The evidence doesn't bear it out.

June 2021 (I think this was right around the Forbidden West trailers started showing up)

The games themselves show Aloy wearing excessive jewelry and make up, tons of different outfits, being totally maximalist with her beads and layers and dinosaurish headdresses and now body paint on top of everything else (or under everything else). Is her appearance the most important thing in her life? No. Because she's currently saving the world. But it's clear she cares about her appearance and there's nothing wrong with that.

December 2021

Moving forward into Burning Shores (which I haven't played yet) and Horizon 3 (which I'm eagerly awaiting news on), I don't know what my specific hopes for Aloy are.

February 2022 (and then Forbidden West finally came out)

I want to see her remained flawed, but then I also want to see her grow. I'd to see her grow happier, whatever form that takes.

April 2022

Maybe a stress-free vacation sometime? I'd say the beach, but bad things happen when she goes to the beach.

May 2023

Whatever happens, I'm looking forward to seeing her again.

[insecateur]

2022 fic wrap-up!

Here it is, my 2022 fic wrap-up! I'll divide it in three parts: general rambling about writing, month-by-month discussion of what I wrote in more detail, and a conclusion about what I'd like to get done this year a.k.a. 2023!

(I wrote so much I'm sorry.)

   

General Thoughts and Rambling about Writing

I've had multiple times when I'd say I stopped writing. I wrote a lot when I was younger, both fic and original, always in my native language (French.) I also roleplayed a fair amount. Back in 2011, after a very bad time in my life, I stopped writing. My last attempts were roleplaying posts; I think by that time I hadn't written fic in over a year. 

For a little while, I focused on drawing exclusively. I even created an original webcomic that's currently discontinued. Then, in 2013, Pokémon X&Y came out–

I'd planned to write posts about my main X&Y fic series on Tumblr, but only wrote one and then never got around to writing the rest. I still want to, though! It probably covers most of what I'd want to say already, so I'll be brief: I got back into writing fic in 2013, for Pokémon X&Y, in English this time, and then lost steam the next year for a variety of reasons. I got back into writing again in 2015-2016, writing more or less exclusively for myself without sharing it except on dreamwidth and password-locked blogs. At the time, I think I felt self-conscious about posting fic on AO3 that I didn't think was "up to par," not to mention I felt guilty about my lingering WIP...

In late 2017, I got into a brand new fandom, Yakuza, and for the first time in four years started to focus my creative energy in something that wasn't Pokémon X&Y. I still thought about it a lot (Lysandre especially) but I was able to get into new ships that I was excited about for reasons that weren't "this reminds me of my ultimate blorbos." In 2018, I started working on a Yakuza fic that I then gave up on, until (encouraged by one of my friends) I got back into working on it in 2020.

I don't know what did it; I'd guess it was having someone who could cheer me on and who was also a writer, maybe, but in 2020 I really started finding pleasure in writing again. I finished the fic around the end of the year and got very sweet feedback (which I was surprised about because the topic of the fic isn't something I expected people to care about haha.) I was itching to write more but I was also kind of exhausted. I figured maybe this was going to be my fanfiction swan song, which I was pretty happy about, honestly. I still think it's a pretty good fic.

Then, in 2021, Pokémon Masters EX grabbed me by the throat–

It felt kind of eye-opening. It felt like I was back in 2013/early 2014 and suddenly I was fueled by the raw power of OTP. I reread my unfinished WIP, that I'd continued further from what was posted on AO3, and thought: I can finish this. Not only that, but I can make what I've already written better. It doesn't matter that it's been almost eight years, it doesn't matter if nobody cares to read it. I can do this, for me.

And I did!

Not only that, but it kickstarted me into getting back into writing for real. I posted the finished, rewritten (in parts) version of the fic in November (I promise I'll talk about this in more detail soon,) and then in December I posted another fic about them. Which then brings us to, of course, what this post is actually supposed to be about: 2022.

   

What I Wrote in 2022 (And Other Considerations)

I started out still riding that high from having finished my long fic, and posted two fics related to it in January, turning it into a series:

* The Pangs of Disprized Love: This one is an outsider POV taking place between two of the later So Long as We Can Say chapters. It was really fun to write, despite the subject matter! The last SLaWCS chapter is actually probably my favorite, as a post-canon aficionado, so getting to write more of that was a treat.

* And With Your Hands Your Hearts: This one is a more or less direct sequel. A marriage proposal... How corny. It felt like what the characters needed after everything they'd gone through, though. I had very strong mental images for this one and I'm still pretty happy with the result.

After that, I got to work on the sequel to Et Surtout Mourir de Langueur, the first part of my mutual pining saga. At the time, I ran into two issues:

— I was embarrassed by the idea of writing and posting smut on AO3. (Yes, this seems insane to me too now.)

— I was worried people would be put off by me writing Lysandre as submissive more "aggressively." (As in, actually making it clear that was what I was going for, and not just implying it.)

Because of this, I started getting writer's block, and found myself stalling after deciding to actually include explicit scenes in (what would become) Le Bien l'Ennemi du Mieux. But something very special would happen to me that month...

Indeed, February is the month I came to know Noah a.k.a. @jonphaedrus. Which seems both so long ago and way too little time. I will refrain from gushing and just say that had we not met, I might have never started posting E-rated works to AO3 and I might have even given up on writing that second mutual pining fic. So there.

Thus, in March, thanks to Noah (and Grey!)'s support, I finished and posted:

* Le Bien l'Ennemi du Mieux: They continue pining, but this time they fuck explicitly. A lot. Way too much if you ask me. The romantic tension does not resolve in this fic and did not resolve period in 2022 but it will in 2023 I promise.

My SLaWCS energy had not left me however, and so after taking a short break I started work on a direct sequel to And With Your Hands Your Hearts, where I'd explore Augustine and Lysandre's backstories at last. This quickly became a multi-chapter project, which I was anxious about because SLaWCS (the original fic) had been my only successful attempt at that, but the fact that I had been successful once – and now had support from a fellow prfr appreciator and author – helped carry me to victory.

So, in May, I successfully published:

* Wisely and Slow: Definitely one of my favorites from the year. A three chapters story about dealing with your demons and finding a new place to belong to in the world. I could talk more about it but I won't... for now. This is the last (plot-relevant) SLaWCS story I've posted so far; the next one is going to be the wedding one and I'm SO excited to work on it. SOON.

Taking a break from longer fic writing, I wrote this treat for Noah:

* That Give Delight and Hurt (Not): I feel like this was the first step toward me going full self-indulgent when it comes to publishing smut. It still has feelings, but there's no pretense of a plot, just two characters engaging in D/s fun. It was my first time posting actual PWP on AO3... emotional...

In June, struck by a sudden bout of inspiration at the very end of a challenge from a Discord server I was in, I wrote 20k in a week:

* Perfect as a Statue, Unadorned: A Xerosic/Lysandre fic where Lysandre is a robot. It's also one of my favorites from this year! Very underrated imo. It's long, it's an AU, it's for a rarepair... so I'm not really surprised, but I do wish more people would give it a try. Oh well.

And then, finally embracing my id fully, I wrote and shared what is probably still the most unhinged thing I've written in 2022:

* All in a Day’s Work: Also known as "Rocket Lysandre free use" which tells you all you need to know. Truly just pure bottom Lysandre PWP. I think about the tag "I Want That Pokémon Villain Obliterated" regularly. I originally wasn't even planning on posting it but doing that freed me from any kind of worry about what I was "allowed" to post on my AO3, because nothing else can come close to it. Also very underrated imo but not for the same reasons LMFAO.

I was slowly getting into the habit of writing regularly, so in July I decided to try my hand at writing short fics/ficlets based on prompts I found or that were sent to me. This way, I successfully wrote five ficlets:

* Phototaxis, Show Off, The Precious Time That We Have, Then We Shall Need Each Other & Aspectabund

I also participated in BDSM Exchange, with a fic! Which was my first time writing fic for an exchange – before that, I'd only done art.

* Viens Me Libérer de Mon Sommeil (Je Suis à Ta Merci): An OT3 (Diantha/Sycamore/Lysandre) fic for Noah! It has all of our favorite things: D/s, Lysandre getting run over, BDSM therapy... I nearly finished it in time for frenchflagshipping day, too, but missed it by three days. Alas.

Powered by pure hubris, in August, I decided to try my hand at Writer's Month... and couldn't pull it off (in parts because I got very, very sick mid-way through.) I'm not going to link all of my fics for that separately (they span from August to December) but I will namedrop a few I especially like. Otherwise, you can check them all out in my series! (Shout-out to the series-within-a-series specifically for the bodyswap storyline, too. I'll finish it in 2023! I swear!)

My favorites from August were:

* My (M37) friend (M32?) keeps alienating everyone we know with the way he presents his opinions: Absolute classic. A reddit post parody. I'd still like to write a sequel/spin-off someday.

* A Comedown of Revolving Doors: Kind of a weird one; I just caught a vibe and followed it without being completely sure where I was going with it. I do enjoy the result though.

* It’s a Mechanical Bull, the Number One: Bottom Dom content for the soul. I still think this one was very big-brained of me. Also the title does not get old.

* Hit Me With the Way They’re Flaunted: It sure is over 3k about Lysandre getting his tits tortured/played with. What else can I say.

August was also the month we started posting courage is the most foolish thing in the world a.k.a. roleswap! I am not involved in the writing (as in, I don't write it; I am definitely involved in the ideas and concepts) but I couldn't not give it a shout-out. 

For September, I'll cite this one:

* Something in Your Head You’ve Been Fighting All Along: It's cakeverse. I found out about cakeverse completely randomly and have not stopped thinking about it ever since. I'll probably write and/or draw some more at some point... It's still at the back of my mind.

I also participated in another fic challenge: to write an AU fic of no more than 5k words. It turned out a lot more difficult than I expected; I apparently do not do well with max word counts. Still, I managed to post:

* From the Throat, I’m Tied to You: A very horny soulmate AU. I just decided to write the kind of soulmates I'd like to see in fic, heh. Despite how hard it was for me to get the words out, I do enjoy the result, and it was fun to work on!

In November, I posted a fic for the exchange Fic In A Box! I feel like I've already talked about this one a lot LOL, so I won't get too into it.

* do let the old enmity be: A recursive fic for Noah's main prfr series. It's all in-universe stuff, and probably the most fun I had working on a fic this year. I was very pleased to see so many people enjoy it!

I also kept working on my late Writer's Month prompts, and my favorite for that month is obvious:

* Let Your Backbone Slide: My first time writing trans porn... finally, I can put what I want to see into the world (Dom trans/cis sub, in case that wasn't clear.) I like this one a lot, tbh. I'd like to write a sequel/related fic sometime soon.

Finally, the last month of the year: December! My end of the year was really busy. I had a lot on my mind. Still, I managed to post a few more Writer's Month fills and one very special fic:

* De nouvelles saveurs: My last fic of 2023! And it's in French! It's 12k words of flirting via baking croissants. Before writing a short thing for my FIAB fill, I hadn't written in French in over a decade... so it was an interesting experience. I am pretty happy with the result though! The croissants (quaso) got baked and that truly is all that matters. 

I'll finish this off by giving a quick shout-out to the old fics I posted throughout the year. These are the fics I wrote back in 2016, as mentioned in the introduction of this post. Noah slowly encouraged me to post them on AO3, even the ones I was the most embarrassed about. Since they've all been backdated, I don't remember the exact month (of 2022) they were posted on, so I'll just give them to you in their original chronological order:

* Fighting With My Weak Hand: A post-canon story about Lysandre trying to earn forgiveness. (Yes, it was already my shit in 2016.)

* Status Symbol: Car sex.

* A Lesson in Self-Control: Omorashi. 

* This Is the Finest Game, It Ain’t Even Got a Name: Spy AU. Very self-indulgent.

* Midas Touch: Lysandre doesn't masturbate. Augustine investigates.

* Give Me Fire, Burning Hell: My original soulmate AU.

Phew. Okay, now that that's all out of the way–

   

What 2023 Has In Store (Hopefully)

I have a lot of WIPs.

See, at the beginning of 2022, I told myself I'd only have one WIP at a time. That way, I could focus on one thing, and get things done at a good pace. Unfortunately, as I began writing more and more, and chatting with Noah about ideas, I started listening to the devil on my shoulder telling me I could just work on multiple things at once.

...and I could! At the end of the day, "a lot of WIPs" isn't actually even that many WIPs. Still, I have a bunch of stuff I'd like to get done in 2023, writing-wise:

— I have an unfinished SLaWCS smut spin-off that's like two scenes away from being done and has been for months. I really need to get back on that.

— I have, of course, part 3 of my mutual pining series. I'm nearly 10k into that and Arceus knows how long it'll get. But I'll finish it this year for sure!

— I have the few prompts left from my Writer's Month, most of which I have ideas for if I haven't already started them. I will complete it this year (and not give the prompt list for this year a try, I'm sorry–)

— I have a few challenge fics I started and never finished that I might or might not go back to. (One I'm fairly confident I can finish; the other I have no idea where to go with so it might stay unfinished forever. Maybe I'll share what I have at some point.)

— I want to write in French more!!

— And, last but not least, I'm desperate to write more SLaWCS. I want them to get married!! I spent most of the latter half of 2022 writing shorter fics, and I really want to get back to longer works. I want to drop 60k of wedding planning that only five people will read. This is all I need to stay alive.

As for the rest... I'm still itching to participate in exchanges and other fandom events, so I have plans in that vein, but I don't want to give it away too early. I'm very grateful for the support I've gotten this year, no matter the content... Thank you for all your comments, asks, tags, kudos... I wouldn't have written this much without you! I don't know if I can aim for more than I did in 2022, but I'd like to keep at it, at least. 

So here's to another year of Pokémon fics... and art! If you've read this whole thing, thank you, too! I appreciate it! 🙏

[sassygwaine]

I posted 9,333 times in 2022

That's 9,333 more posts than 2021!

616 posts created (7%)

8,717 posts reblogged (93%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@blackbeardskneebrace

@menaceanon

@eluciferate

@smartypunk

@cryingalonewithfrankenstein

I tagged 3,058 of my posts in 2022

#into the ether - 215 posts

#asks - 126 posts

#ask game - 91 posts

#a love that won’t sit still - 89 posts

#k tag - 84 posts

#anon - 82 posts

#ty!! <3 - 53 posts

#my writing - 39 posts

#ofmd fic - 35 posts

#a love that won't sit still - 30 posts

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

53 notes - Posted August 29, 2022

#4

really love the argument “izzy’s not racist on purpose, he’s just participating in a racist society” as points in his favor

because like

that’s just saying the same thing twice.

do you think racism requires intention to be racism? do you think somebody has to explicitly state “i want to harm ‘these people’ because i’m better than them and they deserve their low position” in order to be racist?

unconscious bias and social prejudice and wielding power over others are key aspects of racism, regardless of the source, regardless of intention.

it’s uncomfortable, even embarrassing, to reflect on why it hurts so bad for a character you like or relate to to be criticized for their racism or racist actions. maybe you feel like it reflects poorly on you for sympathizing with them. maybe it does.

we live in a racist society, so to a degree nearly everything we as white people do has the potential to be harmful to somebody, whether or not we intend it. that sucks and it makes you feel powerless and angry, and it’s very easy to give into cynicism after that — if everything i do is perceived as racist, why try at all?

because people see, people know, when you try.

the easiest first step is to stop defending characters’ racist actions just because you like them, or finding ways to explain it away as something it isn’t.

if there’s a core aspect of a character that you refuse to engage in to the point of putting down, insulting, and ignoring the harm to real human people…you probably don’t actually like that character, you like an OC you’ve made up in your head and will do whatever you can to keep that image up.

criticism of a piece of media (or aspect of) is not inherently criticism of the people who like the media (or aspect). however, your reaction to that criticism says a lot more about you than it does about the people critiquing.

57 notes - Posted December 6, 2022

#3

still burning, still bright when the night comes on ao3

Nothing will stop him worrying, not about much, but especially not about his daughter, and that. It’s not a bad thing but it certainly is his problem. There was a time maybe when the fear would overwhelm and he’d go on to do something stupid and isolating that nobody actually wants him to do, and make a right mess of things, but now.

Well, he holds his husband’s hand and thinks about what sort of bath bomb cocktail Ed is going to put together for them when they get home.

Rating: E

Chapter Word Count: 11k

chapter one | chapter two | chapter three | chapter four | chapter five | chapter six | chapter seven | chapter eight | chapter nine | chapter ten

start at the beginning: this tired world could change

61 notes - Posted December 2, 2022

#2

ed took one look at stede and put his hair up in a half pony for plausible deniability

149 notes - Posted November 19, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

what i find most attractive in people are signs of life

crows feet and laugh lines and bushy eyebrows and grown out haircuts

scars and tattoos and chipped nail polish and floppy ear lobes and still-open piercings that you just don’t wear anymore

scuffed shoes and clothes you’ve had since high school and that green stain on your fingers and neck from cheap jewelry

proof of life!!! so breathtaking!!!

humans!!!

you were somebody, and you are somebody, and you will continue to be!!

1,142 notes - Posted November 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[andersfels]

I posted 4,127 times in 2022

That's 399 more posts than 2021!

757 posts created (18%)

3,370 posts reblogged (82%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@sapphoseraphim

@luciferscathedral

@chelseawolfe

@cripplepunx

@fredersen

I tagged 865 of my posts in 2022

#anders - 23 posts

#literally - 11 posts

#yeah - 9 posts

#scorpio - 5 posts

#lmao - 5 posts

#steve harrington - 5 posts

#yes - 4 posts

#lol - 4 posts

#stranger things - 4 posts

#ref - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#what do u mean u don't over analyze the same media over and over to supplement your own ideas so they're reinforced by canon and not fanon

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

internet-only lgbt+ people being obsessed with seeming “normal” is going to be what weakens us

1,305 notes - Posted June 26, 2022

#4

"all lesbian rep is always femme" it's not, actually. i literally never look on the screen and see femmes. we get hallmark channel blondes who look exactly like every other straight woman on tv. actual femmes are so beyond what's considered acceptable or normal for lesbians - in fact characters i would call femme are usually very pointedly straight and usually shamed/demonized, with their appearance a pointed commentary on why they're bad people, from slutshaming to the selfish material girl trope, unless it treads into the "weird" category for straight people, in which case they're always oddball lonely cat ladies nobody likes.

but even then, the distinct things that i recognize in femmes (queercoding, if you will,) are always absent, because they are deviations from the male gaze. femininity is expected to be a performance for the male gaze, femininity embraced by lesbians is literally the opposite. guess what we see on tv?

and i don't say this to be like "ooh femmephobia is real!" rather, my point is that media just hates lesbians. and i dislike when people say "all we see for lesbian rep is femmes," because we don't see femmes, we see feminine people playing a lesbian based on a straight interpretation of what femme and the female gaze is. they literally don't understand it. there is no gender nonconformity, no actual femme coding on any of these characters; what you mean by "femme" is they wear makeup and maybe high heels.

media hates lesbians. butch rep is utterly abysmal, and I'm begging y'all to reframe how you look at what rep we do have, because continuing to call what they give us "femme" is a disservice to lesbians. straight people do not understand that there are different ways to be a woman or perform femininity, so all we get for lesbian rep are straight women and straight interpretations of lesbians, not femmes. please don't disrespect lesbians by acting like any of what we get qualifies as rep for butches and femmes, because it doesn't, and it won't without direct queer involvement because straight people are incapable of understanding what we are or even look like.

1,403 notes - Posted June 4, 2022

#3

amab people can dress masc and be gnc and afab people can dress fem and be gnc and yall really need to get this thru ur skulls bc u seem to think "gender non conforming" refers to agab and not. you know. people's actual gender

7,367 notes - Posted June 15, 2022

#2

the tumblr discourse brainrot that had ppl reading the phrase "gender essentialism" and sped them past actual gender essentialism just to arrive at "no critique of men ever feminism is over unless you're a terf."

y'all really need to start getting education off this fucking website bc I'm sick and tired of y'all not grasping basic shit only to take nuanced terms out of context just bc they're trending.

8,519 notes - Posted June 18, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I'll never forgive tumblr for being so quick to shit on the concept of "queer platonic" relationships bc even outside of asexual/aromantic relationships, the bond I've shared with other queer women in a non romantic, non sexual way has been wildly different and more intimate than any friendships I've ever had with cishet people, even when we're not as close as my cishet friends. the fact that y'all were like "relationships are strictly within these categories there is only familial, platonic, sexual, and romantic" like yall pls 😭 queer connection and bonding is so much deeper and more complex than that. get offline and connect with some of your community i beg

28,085 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[antagonistchan]

okay so

at this point i can pretty definitively say that 2022 has been the worst year of my life

particularly because every single month has given me some new torment

to recap:

January: some mild depression because i realized that it’s 2022 and i’m extremely not ready for it to be 2022, as i extremely wasted 2021 (and to a lesser extent 2017-2020), and the fact that it was January (the inarguable most boring month of the year) didn’t help. this was the least debilitating thing on this list, but it has continued until now.

February: the depression got harder to deal with and one of my two main friend groups started to collapse (and while i wasn’t exactly at fault for this, i definitely contributed to the problems and i still extremely regret my behavior during all this).

March: the friend group fully collapsed, leaving me only on speaking terms with about half of the people in it (thankfully, this half included all of the people i was extremely close to, but it was still a noticeable loss). this was especially bad for me because i was actually working on multiple projects involving this friend group that suddenly had to be at least paused if not outright cancelled, which left me kinda unsure of what to do with myself.

April: i started dealing with a random mental health crisis midway through the month that continued for the rest of the month and left me basically completely useless to anyone... and then right in the middle of that crisis, my other main friend group collapsed basically behind my back (as the drama went down in places i was not a part of). at the time i had no idea just how bad it actually was.

May: i learned just how bad it actually was. then i spent basically the entire month scrambling to actually piece together enough information to know where the fuck i stood on all this, and scrambling to make sure that everyone else involved knew where i was at.

June: i finally got some closure on how this second friend group collapse turned out, which is good for me in the long term but good lord is it painful in the short term. as a bonus, my mom tested positive for covid, one of my cats probably won’t be with us much longer, and my girlfriend nearly died. none of these things is the worst really (the closure will, again, be good for me in the long-term; my mom’ll probably be okay; i’m honestly extremely surprised that this cat has been alive as long as she has been, i’ve been kinda expecting her to go any day now for years; and my girlfriend did not end up dying), but combined, they certainly have not made my June easy so far.

BUT....... i think the worst is behind me. the only real horror still on the horizon is the cat dying, and i’ve honestly been prepared to say goodbye to her for years (especially when i’ve honestly barely known her; we’ve been living in the same house for many years, but she exclusively lives in a part of the house i rarely visit because she’s so old and cranky that she doesn’t really want to leave her little nest).

the depression? that’s been a problem all year, but it’s only debilitating when it’s combined with the other things. on its own, i’ve actually been really impressed with how well i’ve been fighting it. whenever i’m not too burdened by the current events in my life, i’ve done a pretty damn good job refusing to let the depression win, and right now, i feel pretty good about where i’m going.

for various reasons i won’t get into, i’m reasonably confident all my drama so far won’t continue to haunt me too much going forward.

and everything else was all short-term stuff like “it’s january” and “covid continues to be a threat” and “i had a random mental health crisis”.

[healinghks]

Unidentified

What if I’m enough on my own?

What if I am worthy of real self-love and real self-respect? What if it has nothing to do with how hot I am, how good my grades are, how much money I’ll make, or how ripped I am? What if I’m just... enough as I am? 

But who am I? How can I be enough if there’s not enough of me to be enough in? What if I just don’t have an identity? 

Grief takes away everything. The world seemed larger and brighter when I was 22 and my family was healthy. 

---

Text Messages on November 17, 2020

Me: Did dad tell you he has chest pain whenever he breathes in?

Eileen: Ummmm no. Wtf

Me: I’m scared. The most common signs of lung cancer are: (copied and pasted list from WebMd). 

Text Messages on December 3, 2020

Me: Is it bad to say I already knew... Like I knew when he told me he had chest pain a month ago...

Eileen: I think we all knew for a long long time

Me: Has anyone told Danny? 

---

Who was I prior to when those text messages came in? Because I haven’t been anyone since that day. 

All I remember from the first half of 2021 is the color gray. I would drive to work and it would be gray. I’d drive to work and shed silent tears listening to “I Know The End” by Phoebe Bridgers, “Soon You’ll Get Better,” by Taylor Swift, and “What Sarah Said” by Death Cab for Cutie. The trifecta of songs for a depressed 23 year old who could feel that her father was going to die. I would drive home from work and it would be gray. I’d take a nap in my gray bedroom. If I could muster any energy, I’d go on a run on a gray sidewalk. 

At some point, I detached from the gray. I started to build a personality that wasn’t me at all. In the second half of 2021, the color of my world shifted to a bright shade of pink. I wore pink leggings on a vacation to Colorado with my friends that I took while my dad stayed at home, miserable because of how much the radiation was affecting him. I was wearing a pink shirt to work when my mom called me and said that my dad had decided to switch to hospice status rather than continue treatment. I was wearing pink shorts when I destroyed a 4-year-long relationship because I wanted to feel free. I was wearing pink lipgloss when I met a guy at the bar a few days later and brought him home with me. Everything was pink and carefree. I posted pretty selfies and got a comment that said, “You seem so HAPPY! I’m so happy for where you are in life right now.” I thought I was the shit. My dad was dying and I was still happy. I thought I was the perfect image for how someone could be happy in tough times. 

In 2022, the color started shifting to orange. Orange is a crazy color. It’s beautiful, but you can’t have too much of it; it just doesn’t ever work out that way. I lost sense of everything actually happening. Everything was fun. I did a lot of MDMA. I danced a lot. I went to the movies. I smoked so much weed. I ate at new restauraunts. I always had weekend plans. I even had weeknight plans. I was going, going, going. My going, going, going wasn’t even stopped by my dad’s death. I had plans made a few days after. 2 weeks after he died, I went to Miami, got dances with strippers, popped bottles, and fucked in a hotel room with a mirror on the ceiling above the bed. I was orange. I was crazy, I was sexy, I was fun, I was unhinged and in denial. 

In the second half of 2022, I woke up. The loss of my human distraction, a piece of shit named Jeremy, sent my world into chaos. The world was blue because I was blue. Ocean waves of sadness poured out of me daily onto everyone I loved. I became nothing but heartbreak. It was visible to everyone around me. “Why does she always talk about getting cheated on?” said one of my classmates to another classmate behind my back. 

I don’t know what color this stage of life is for me. It’s unidentified. I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know who I am. Who was I before my world became gray? Who was I before I painted the sky pink and then orange in a desperate attempt to remove the gray? What color was the world when things were normal? Why does it feel like the world used to be brighter and now everything is kind of mundane and monotone? Who would I have been if my dad didn’t get cancer when I was 22?

What if I would’ve been a better person if he hadn’t died? What if I never would have torn up a good relationship? What if I would’ve treated people better? What if I would’ve had more of an idea about who I am? What if I would’ve stayed friends with people I abandoned? What if I had never been raped? 

The what-ifs don’t get me anywhere, though. It’s useless to try to become the person I was pre-2020. I have to build a new me. But where do I start? 

I don’t want to die unidentified. 

Here Lies Helene... A nice person. A daughter and sister. A law student. 

I don’t know what else goes in that sentence. 

How could I be enough for another person if I’m not enough for myself? 

[burningdarkfire]

writing retrospection 2022

quick and easy stats:

i published 42 fics over two accounts for a total of 167,903 words

i wrote 192,053 words during the year, averaging 535 words per day

two areas of focus:

writing fics where the protagonist isn’t always right: this includes fics where the protag’s thoughts/narrative voice is distinct from what is “actually” happening - fics where characters lie or have false impressions about each other - fics where characters do not talk like they’re in therapy. i want to write interesting characters!! i want to write stories that make the reader have to think!

this is still very much a work in progress - it’s hard to glean from fic comments whether people “get” the fic the way i intended or not and then it’s hard to decide if it’s my fault when they don’t - though it’s insanely rewarding when they do!

my fave works incorporating the above:

the weight of desire and despair (jayvik in the arcane timeskip)

if you close your eyes (astrid and wulf and an amnesiac caleb)

meanwhile the world goes on (the start of the wizard polycule)

writing porn, and writing a lot of porn: this was already something i worked on during 2021 but i significantly escalated this year both in scope (new pairings, new kinks, etc) and in quantity (i haven't posted a T or G fic since the summer). very much a "the only way out is through" mentality on this one, where i'm going to keep doing it until it doesn't feel like a big deal anymore 🤷‍♂️

some smut that i never thought i would write:

one pup, two pup (wizard polycule a/b/o)

desire, fulfilled (shadowgast drow pon farr/mating cycles)

nothing burns like the cold (shadowgast aeor date gone bad)

and of course, my one true focus for the year ...

blood moon:

it is honestly absolutely crazy to look at the numbers and realize that i came astonishingly close to my pipe dream goal of updating once per week. it doesn’t feel real when my entire year “behind the scenes” has been haunted by my inability to finish one longer fic

i have struggled a lot with blood moon, especially the final two chapters, and each soft deadline that i’ve set for myself has come and gone with no true resolution (including my goal to see it finished by the end of 2022). i think about this fic pretty much every single day of my life, even during the weeks that i don’t work on it at all. i’ve flip-flopped on every decision this year: i’m going to finish it, i don’t have to finish it, i won’t edit it, i will end up editing it, it doesn’t matter if i hate it if it’s done, i don’t want to publish something i don’t like, etc.

currently, i am determined to finish writing blood moon to a standard that i can, at the very least, make peace with. realistically, because it’s taken me over a year to write it, i’ve already out grown this fic. short of starting it over from scratch (which i resolutely do not want to do), there’s a ceiling for how good it can be and i just have to be fine with that

it will be the second story i’ve ever written that hits 50k words and i will be very, very glad to see it done. i’ll continue to upload at least one chapter per month, and i’m very grateful for the readers and commentators who have been following it thus far

writing goals for next year:

this was my first year using a writing tracker and i liked it! i took the one by @angryonabus and modified it for my own use. i’m a very habit-based person and having a tracker helps a lot

my goal was and will continue to be roughly 10k words per month - i’m obviously capable of overshooting that by a considerable amount but i don’t feel a need to push myself

i would love for 2023 to be the year that i tackle romcoms. i have two ideas lined up (the sedoretu fic and the marry me AU) that will be my bigger projects after blood moon concludes

in general, i’d like to write more fics in the 10-20k range, stories that have a little more plot (including emotional/relationship development), which means that i might not update anywhere near as much next year

plans for existing series/AUs:

definitive plans, concrete ideas:

league jayvik battlecast AU - realistically i’ve lost momentum for jayvik but even if this takes years and more arcane seasons i WILL come back for this

rough ideas, need motivation:

the shadowgast+widobrave polymorph fic - i’ve always had the second chapter sketched but never written it

packverse - there’s a blumendrei prequel scene i want to write

companion to wolves AU - also some blumendrei prequel scenes for this one, as well as future scenes with essek

critrole amnesia!caleb - essek POV!!

aeor date gone wrong - i know the fallout and want to write it but i do not care to write the actual catharsis because i think it would take a long time and i am an impatient writer. i’ll have to decide if it’s worth anything without it

no specific ideas but i like these ‘verses so i might go back to them:

critrole purple person shenanigans

critrole blumendrei modern college AU

critrole wizard polycule

critrole decades post-canon polynein

league jayvik gamers AU

[opedguy]

Navalny Asks If Russian Army Exists

LOS ANGELES (OnlineColumnist.com), Sept. 20, 2022.;--Rotting in a high-security Russian penal colony, 46-year-old Russian dissident Alexi Navalny managed to get the word out through his attorneys, who post his rermarks on Twitter.  Navalny questioned whether or not the Russian army exiss because of Russian President Vladimir Putin’s attempt to recruit special army troops from Russian prisons.  Navaly, whose anti-corruption organization landed him in Russian prison, has little influence over events on the ground in Russia, let alone Ukraine.  Navalny openly challenged Putin, accusing him of widespread corruption for years before taking ill in Siberia, claiming he was poisoned with Soviet nerve agent Novochok by the FSB, formerly the KGB.  Navalny almost died but was lucky enough to get flown to Berlin where his was saved, spending months recovering in Germany.  Navanly was warned to stay away from Russia.

Ignoring the best advice, Navalny returned to Moscow Aug .25, 2021after his recovery only to get promptly arrested, then sentenced by a Moscow court Feb. 2, 2021 to three years in prison.  Because of his rebellious activity, Navalny was hauled back to court March 22, charged with more crimes, and sentenced to nine years, where he currently serves out his sentence in a Russian penal colony.  “As an inmate of a maximum-security prison, I too would like to give my opinion on the recruitment of criminals for the war,” Navalny told his attorneys, who posted his thoughts on Twitter.  “I think the first thought of any convict who say this video was:  Dear God, if they are recruiting us for the war, then what is the state of the regular Russian army?” Navalny asked.  “Does it not exist at all anymore,” continuing to infuriate Kremlin authorities. Navalny likes to use his sarcasm in prison.

Navalny was once a campaign issue for Biden, demanding that Putin let him out of Russian jail. Biden actually spend more time demanding Putin release Navalny than trying to strike a prisoner swap for WNBA basketball star Brittney Griner or former marine Paul Whelan, both of whom currently rot in Russian prisons.  Whether Biden can complete a prisoner swap for Griner’s release is anyone guess.  Putin made Navalny a campaign issue because he hinted that he would go after Putin in his presidency.  Biden called Putin as “soulless killer” March 18, 2021, the same day Secretary of State Antony Blinken and National Security advisor Jake Sullivan met with China at a summit in Anchorage, Alaska.  Starting off on the wrong foot with Putin, things went from bad to worse after Putin placed near 100,000 troops near the Ukrainian border to get Biden to  negotiate a new security arrangement.

Months of stalled talks on Ukrainian security ended when Putin moved the Russian military into Ukraine Feb. 24, seizing more Ukrainian territory over the last seven months.  So periodically Navalny likes to make sensational comments from prison hoping that his movement can still keep going.  Asking if there’s anything left of the Russian army, Navalny caters to the anti-Putin crowd that would like to see Ukraine, with U.S. help, defeat the Russian military.  Navalny heard bits-and-pieces from his attorney about how the war is going.  Everything he hears gives him hope that either Ukraine will defeat the Russian Federation or a coup will take place tossing Putin out of office.  Navalny gets his hope from pure fantasy delivered by his attorneys, promising to spring him out of his long jail sentence well before his term ends.  Navalny stays in the news to give other anti-Putin dissidents hope for revolution.

Western officials say the Putin has incurred devastating losses of troops and equipment in the Ukraine War.  Western intel gives dissidents like Navalny false hope that Putin’s close to getting tossed out of office.  But any real look at the Ukrainian battlefield, proves that Russia, not Ukraine, has made the most inroads in the seventh month of war.  Zelensky has lost 25% of sovereign territory, especially losing the entire Black Sea coast and all its ports.  No one from the U.S., U.K., EU or NATO admits to catatrophic losses by the Ukrainian military.  When Putin decided to leave the Kharkiv area in the Northeast, Zelensky said it was a glorious victory over Russian forces.  Yet with announcements today that Russia would hold independence votes in Donetsk, Luhansk and Kherson, Kiev mentioned nothing.  Based on Zelensky’s big win in Kharkiv, you’d think it would carry over to other parts of Ukraine.

Putting Navalny back in the news quipping about what happened to the Russian army, recruiting from Russian prisons, the anti-Putin media hopes to make a case for revolution or failure in Ukraine.  Any honest look at Ukraine has Putin with a commanding advantage over Kiev, with Russian troops taking over all of Uraine’s Black Sea coast and all its ports.  So, if Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Mark Miley is correct, why has Russia seized so much strategic land in Ukraine?  Kiev denies all losses to the Russian Federation giving the press the impression that Ukraine has made more headway especially in the Northeast or Kharkiv region.  All look at catastrophic losses to the Black sea coast and ports proves that Putin, not Zelensky, has made military gains in Ukraine.  Western sources only report on Russian failures and Kiev’s successes, leaving the public duped into thinking Ukranie is winning the war.

About the Author

John M. Curtis writes politically neutral commentary analyzing spin in national and global news. He’s editor of OnlineColumnist.com and author of Dodging The Bullet and Operation Charisma.

[mydissociativediaries]

5/17/2022: Stages

Third entry for 5/17/2022.

I've had anxiety throughout my life, but occasionally, it's blown up in periods that I call "stages." I'll have these horrific bursts of anxiety that last for two or three years, eventually settle down, then blow up again a few years later. They don't really go away--just periodically get better or worse.

Here's how I would describe the anxiety stages in my life thus far:

Childhood anxiety. This wasn't really a "stage" as much as a constant. Childhood anxiety was more physical, characterized by nausea and rolling waves of fear. I dissociated occasionally, but I usually snapped out of it.

High school anxiety. This was when all those years of childhood anxiety (believe me, I haven't covered even a fraction of that) culminated into one horrifying outburst. Constant fear, nausea and terror wracked my body as I frantically tried to escape the dissociative thoughts. I could write several entries on this one and still not cover everything--but in short, it was more intense than childhood anxiety and went on 24/7 instead of rising and fading. Probably the worst anxiety I've ever had in my life.

College anxiety. After a year or two of relative peace, my anxiety blew up again. This one actually has a distinct trigger--one of my family members had a minor surgery. I wish I could say that worry for my family member triggered the anxiety, but actually, my fear and discomfort about medical procedures set it off. This was similar to high school anxiety. Intense fear, dread and nausea that never went away no matter how desperately I tried to escape it.

Work anxiety. Hoo boy, here we go again. Non-stop nausea and terror that make it virtually impossible to function, but I pushed through anyway because I was more worried about what would happen if I couldn't hold down a job. I was good at masking, so I don't know if anyone picked up on it, but overwhelming terror rolled through my body even when I was just sitting in the break room. That was a nightmare. I might have my timeline wrong, but I think is when I actually started getting close to mental breaks. That might've been back in college, though.

Continued work anxiety. This wasn't as bad when I got my second job, but it was still shitty. I had to interact with co-workers and customers even though I dissociated constantly and felt like nothing was real. I did have some good times at this job, though. I remember it more fondly than my first job, but anxiety was still the constant nightmare in the background.

"Last summer" anxiety. Last summer (2021), I had my first full-on mental break. I'd gotten close to the edge countless times, but I guess at my age, my brain just can't take it anymore. I had a dissociative break where I hallucinated and heard voices. Honestly, this time in my life was fairly harrowing, so I'm not going to go into detail, but nausea and intense physical pain characterized this period. At times, it was more physical than mental--like childhood anxiety, but much more horrifying.

"Last winter" anxiety. Every winter is a nightmare for me, but during winter 2021, my brain pretty much snapped and I never recovered. The endless hours of cold, dark night broke something that I don't think I'm going to fix.

Aaaand that brings us to now. I dissociate constantly, feel like I'm a fog, have no energy, lose track of time, get anxious when the sun sets and frequently think about how I haven't had hope for the future since I was 13.

As bad as this is, looking back, it's kind of tame compared to some of the shit I've experienced. Medical marijuana has eased the physical symptoms so I have some limited functioning. And at least I have Xanax when it gets out of hand--but unfortunately, that happens way too often.

Also, at this point in my life, I've realized that a lot of my teenage/early 20s anxiety was just me upsetting myself. Unfortunately, it's not just mental anymore--I think my brain is physically wired to dissociate. This is why I don't think it'll ever get better.

Well...it's still another day, I suppose. Nothing I can do about any of this now.

Thanks for reading,

🍉

[chainofclovers]

Grace and Frankie 7x1 - 7x4 thoughts

Meh? Like...I love them so much, but...meh?

(I did enjoy this line about brunch.)

I really loved season 6 of Grace and Frankie. I thought it was well-paced, largely very well-acted, generally well-written, and it culminated in a massive moment of character development for the title characters, who, having spent years growing closer and being there for each other when others could not or would not be, finally articulate to each other that they are the primary person in each other’s lives. Platonic gal pal soulmate BFF emotional support witches 4 lyfe!

I know progress isn’t always linear, and in fact is very rarely linear, but after a moment that significant, you’d think the writers on this show would maybe come up with some more interesting things for these characters to do than spin in circles?

@bristler and I watched on Friday night, and just this morning over breakfast had a good conversation about the first four episodes of the new season now that they have settled in our brains a bit. We concluded that the writing (often noticeably clunky, like the dialogue is responsible for more narration than usual) and the tone (aggressively wacky) feel really off, especially compared to the prior season. I think we diagnosed the big issue, which is that Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda are by far the most talented actors on this show (if you disagree, fight me in the parking lot) and it feels surprisingly unfortunate that their characters have, to this point in the new season, pretty much figured out their perspectives on each other. No matter how people feel about Grace and Frankie’s sexualities, the whole show has been about them finding each other and getting in deeper and deeper, and it’s less interesting to watch other characters have realizations about that than it is to watch Grace and Frankie having realizations about themselves. If the title characters are now limited to reacting to other people’s actions, and the title characters are played by the best actors on the show, the whole show’s gonna suffer. And is suffering, very much so, at least for these first four episodes. I’m definitely still excited for the final twelve in 2022 (twelve! I cannot believe this season will have sixteen eps!), but I’m pretty disappointed so far.

Stuff I Loved:

The family brunch. These families have been entwined for so long, and the backstory for this particular brunch was so fun (even though I didn’t care for the effects they did to depict Grace and Robert 25 years ago; there was no need for a visual flashback in the scene). I love that Grace hit Frankie with a wiffle ball bat. I love that the two couples realized some of the emotional reasons behind their decisions to lie to each other about Bud’s Bunny and about M’Challah. I love the way Jane Fonda sounds uttering the phrase “Bud’s Bunny” with little to no irony. I love that Grace is able to recognize and articulate just how deep and miserable her anger issues were, albeit with the continued help of her omnipresent martini, and that Frankie told her she’d now make up a holiday in order to spend more time with Grace. I really, really hope Frankie does exactly this at some point in the remaining episodes of the season. I love that Grace is generally a pretty good person now, with aspirations of being a delightful person. I love that she and Frankie don’t have it in them to stay angry with each other, and I love all the evidence that they really, really talk to each other about everything now.

Frankie talking to the man at the office (I don’t remember who he was supposed to be? A toilet manufacturer? I didn’t mention this before, but I actually got pretty high while watching?!? Believe it or not, this was the first time I smoked pot and watched Grace and Frankie at the same time despite having enjoyed both activities on their own for quite some time. I would recommend the combo! And I think I still pretty much got what was happening) about paying for the toilet parts with candy. This whole subplot with the money laundering was absurd and not that interesting, but I loved this particular scene because it was finally evidence of some really thoughtful writing. The concepts aren’t enough! You have to write them into good dialogue! And the whole cash/candy thing was a moment of dialogue that only someone as hilarious as Lily Tomlin could pull off. Which she did, IMO.

In a show about super messy people, Coyote has stayed sober this entire time. He is sober, employed, in love, and preparing to buy a full-sized house with his partner. He hasn’t murdered anyone in his family. Hasn’t even attempted murder once.

In 2017 or whatever, Grace Hanson would have been furious about Frankie using obscure Beatles references like a treasure map when hiding the cash. But here in 2021, she cooperates and even gets in on the fun. The writing is very unsubtle this season, but that did feel like a reasonably subtle moment that shows how good of a partner she is for Frankie. (Platonic, of course! So platonic. Female friendship, amirite?)

Stuff I Did NOT Love and Felt Incredibly Negative About:

Brianna. I can only conclude that June Diane Raphael has decided she’s happy with playing a character whose primary role in life is to be hot and mean. She succeeds at being hot and mean, but I have reached my limit with this character. I realize we’re only a quarter of the way into the season, but I don’t think I can take another arc about her learning to compromise only to reveal to Barry that she never intended to compromise at all. At this point, it’s both abusive and boring. How?! The Grace/Brianna parallels aren’t interesting anymore, because one character has grown and the other is stagnant. I get that Brianna was raised in an emotionally stilted environment by two unhealthy people. But I think it would be very cool if she could learn something from her mother at this point. Grace has put a ton of effort into dealing with her “rabbit-killing, mad-at-the-world anger.” She’s put a ton of effort into figuring out what makes her happy, what she wants her life to look like. She’s even started accepting her age and abilities without shame. And that growth is believable; Grace is still short-tempered and she still slugs back way too many martinis and she struggles to articulate certain things, but she’s grown into a truly lovely human. And while, as a daughter with a mother, I can absolutely attest to the fact that it can be difficult and uncomfortable to learn lessons from one’s mother, Brianna really, really should. Grace spent decades letting anger and shame trap her in a small, miserable life. Brianna—and even Mallory, who just seems like a vapid idiot this season—are traveling that same path, but there’s someone right there who could really help, maybe even more than Frankie helped when the Hanson girls were first growing up.

The arraignment. The scene might’ve been salvageable if it was filmed from Grace’s perspective, and filmed to reflect how surreal and improbable it all was. But speaking of non-linear progress, this scene erased everything Nick Skolka has done to put himself in my good graces (LOL) over the past couple seasons. I mean, I tried, man. I even wrote fic about Nick, Grace, and Frankie making a genuine effort at polyamory. But the arraignment is so emotionally manipulative, such a slap in the face of everything Grace has worked for, and while we’re certainly “supposed” to feel the weight of the moment, I mean, it’s not like we’re supposed to be like, “Oh, cool, we’re in a rom com now! This is adorable!” it still felt bad and unearned and slapdash.

And I want Frankie to process these things with her! Frankie seems so happy to have all this information about Grace and how Grace feels, but I want to see scenes in which we can gain an understanding of how Frankie actually feels. Hearing Frankie talk to other people about how Grace feels is interesting, but it’s like there’s no room in these episodes for us to learn anything new about Frankie herself.

Grace’s transitional wig. Is so. Bad. It is. Such a. Bad wig. Oof. I mean, I like what they’re doing with Grace’s hair from a plot perspective, although (see one bullet up) I would really like to get more of an understanding of what’s happening in Grace’s head, not just on top of her head. And gosh, Frankie would be a really good person to talk to about this in a conversation that lasts longer than 30 seconds. But the wig! She’s in a wig in all four episodes, of course, since Jane Fonda went grey and cut her hair short before they started filming this season. The wig for episodes 1 and 2 is fine; it’s a good approximation of Grace’s typical hair, and of course we know that canonically Grace’s hair isn’t 100% her own hair anyway. But the wig with grey roots looks so weird. The part that’s growing out doesn’t look the same as the hair on the wig from 1 and 2. And the grey roots look like a yarmulke. I cannot wait to get to the point in the season when Grace goes all the way grey.

(One more thing about the hair. I can’t let it go. I paused the show while we were watching to rant, but I’m not done.) I had the great privilege of seeing Jane Fonda in person at a protest in 2019. She is an insanely beautiful human. She was growing her hair out and it was partially dyed blonde and partially grey. It looked really cool. I am not ashamed to say I spent that day learning many things about the climate crisis and about Jane Fonda’s hair. Having seen her in real life with her real hair looking that fucking great, I just have a an extra-large grudge against everyone involved in that horrible wig. The wig is necessary, but it didn’t have to be this bad.

What Do I Care About Now?

I am pretty intrigued by the way Grace threw out her real age in a conversation with Nick and Elena. She has nothing to fear anymore! She’s so chill about aging! What could go wrong? I assume that Nick and Elena maneuvering for Nick to be on house arrest in Grace's house specifically has to do with the fact that Grace is 82. She’s gonna find out that Nick is allowed to be with her because she’s ancient and helpless and the court took pity. Or something like that. She’s going to feel betrayed on top of feeling stifled and overwhelmed by Nick’s presence. I want to see where this goes for sure.

Other than that, and other than the fact that I really do continue to believe this show is moving in a direction in which Grace and Frankie will choose each other, I feel very whatever about this whole thing. I love this show and I will always appreciate this show for giving me some incredible characters to spend years of my life writing about, and for bringing me some pretty amazing friendships. Speaking of those friendships, yesterday @ellydash and @telanu and I were talking about some of the incredible TV we’ve watched recently, like Ted Lasso and Hacks and Fleabag and Killing Eve, and how great it feels to watch beautifully written TV crafted by writers who are profoundly—organically yet intentionally—attuned to even the most minor character’s rhythm. The disappointment of these first few episodes of the new G&F season feels like a mild disappointment rather than a sharp heartbreak, and that has a lot to do with being deeply invested in other shows that could also go in all kinds of different directions but with writing I fundamentally trust.

Also Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin are my forever faves and my appreciation for their performances and general awesomeness onscreen and in life is undiminished. So that’s pretty cool.