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#actually it's gonna be so weird seeing actors who are actually closer to being 19 years old
deanpinterester · 5 months
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alright i never rly want to get into TLOU stuff because there is shrimply too much discourse in there but how do we feel about the castings so far
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bohemian-nights · 8 months
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HOTD is really weird when it comes to how they cast actresses/actors based on age. Luke is 14 and Aemond is 18/19. Both Elliot and Ewan did a good job but it looks as if an adult in his late twenties early thirties is chasing around a kid who’s still being breast fed (I’m exaggerating a little but still) of course Team Black is gonna say stuff like “Aemond killed a child” because it looks as if he did. I’m not sure if this was done to further cause sympathy for Team Black but now you’re just making it look pitiful. The same thing with countless others. Paddy Considine plays Viserys and you can clearly see him age. That’s not say that I think all of the cast changes were wrong I just feel some of them were unnecessary and for the cast changes they didn’t make they should’ve visibly aged the actors.
Having a grown man playing a 16-year-old (show!Aemond should only be around 16 cause he wasn’t even born in episode 5 which was 16 years ago by the finale🫠) chasing down a 14-year-old played by an age-appropriate actor who looks every bit like a little kid is a choice.
Though I will say I think there is a greater reason for this choice than just trying oh let’s make the Blacks look super sympathetic. In the books, Aemond comes off like a psycho chasing after Luke and saying that he doesn’t care if he lives or dies, he just wants an eye(I do feel he was entitled to this, but not his life). In the show actually did their best to make him look sympathetic even if the “it was an accident” angle looks stupid as hell.
Don’t get me wrong, they could’ve cast an older actor or someone closer to Ewan’s age to play Luke, but I think the real reason why they have a grown man playing Aemond is because of Alysmond.
They wanted people to root for the couple and if the age gap was visible 😬 People say they want a milf romance, but I guarantee if they cast a baby-faced 18 and put him next to an actual woman in her 40s people would call it creepy🤷🏽‍♀️
The casting decisions in terms of age are all over the place, but I think they are mainly being done for a similar reason, keeping everyone young(ish), “hot,” and shippable.
They wanted to show Paddy aging and getting sicker so he’s the exception, everyone else is young and beautiful forever 🤣
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weekendwarriorblog · 4 years
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The Weekend Warrior Home Edition 4/7/20 – ENDINGS BEGINNINGS, ABE and More (Sorry. No MY SPY.)
Boooooo … this week would have been when the Tribeca Film Festival was supposed to start, but I barely had a chance to go through the movies that were gonna play there when COVID-19 hit, and it was quickly cancelled. Apparently, they’re doing some sort of online festival this week, but apparently, they decided to wait until Friday afternoon to tell press who had already applied that they needed to reapply by Monday morning. If you didn’t receive or see this important Email, and I didn’t, then you were basically fucked in terms of covering the festival. That being said, this will be only the second time in 17 years that I didn’t cover Tribeca, and since they won’t even respond to Emails trying to fix this, I guess that means we’re done here. 
This was also the week when, at one point, Universal/DreamWorks Animation’s Trolls World Tour was supposed to open but I saw it last week via screener and liked it more than the first movie. I tweeted about it here:
https://twitter.com/EDouglasWW/status/1248685996612489217
Of course, STX’s My Spy was gonna open this weekend after many delays and that now will be streaming on Amazon instead, so that’s just the way things seem to be going. Who knows when any of us will have any sort of box office to report on, especially with AMC filing for bankruptcy and possibly not making it until studios decide to release movies theatrically again? (The earliest possibility seems to be July at this point.)
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This week’s Featured Movie is Drake Doremus’ new film ENDINGS, BEGINNINGS (Samuel Goldwyn), starring Shailene Woodley, who is quite fantastic as Daphne, a thirty-something L.A. woman – and honestly, having interviewed Woodley for Alexander Payne’s The Descendants, I have just as hard a time fathoming that she’s even closer to her 30s as I did believing 34-year-old Alexandra Daddario as someone in her 20s in last week’s We Summon the Darkness. Regardless, Daphne is trying to get over a heartbreaking break-up with a man who was also her boss, and she quickly gets into relationships with two men, Jack and Frank, played by Jamie Dornan and Sebastian Stan, who also happen to be friends, creating a tough love triangle.
The fact that Doremus opened this film with the Cocteau Twins was a good sign, and I do have to say that the music throughout the film is fantastic, but really, it’s more about Woodley and the fact that Doremus is returning to a more improvised style of filmmaking ala his earlier film, Like Crazy, which was one of my favorites. I do think that Woodley’s talent elevates her performance well above her male co-stars, who at times, frankly, I couldn’t keep track of which was which. (Dornan’s Irish accent gave it away most of the time.) But I liked how Doremus explores one woman trying to make decisions about her life and relationships, showing how hard it is to do that sometimes.
Endings, Beginnings is on Digital on Friday and then On Demand starting May 1. I honestly don’t know the difference between the two. I probably should figure it out, huh?
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Another movie I quite enjoyed that’s on Demand and Digital this Friday is Brazilian documentarian Fernando Grostein Andrade’s first narrative feature, the family comedy ABE (Blue Fox Entertainment), starring Noah Schnapp (from Stranger Things), Seu Jorge, Mark Margolis and Dagmara Dominczyck. Schnapp plays 12-year-old Abe, a Brooklyn ‘tween and a diehard foodie with his own blog and desires to be a chef. His main goal in the year leading up to his Bar Mitzvah is to cook the perfect meal to bring his half-Jewish and half-Palestinian family together in harmony. He gets some helping learning the ropes from Seu Jorge as a Brazilian food cart chef who takes under his wing, but Abe has his work cut out for him as his grandparents and other relatives can never agree on anything.
Listen, this is a pretty simple premise but that helps make Andrade’s film so much easier to enjoy.  I feel that this is a movie that probably would have done quite well on the film festival circuit (when there was one) since it’s a crowd-pleasing film that gives a very different look into the Israel-Palestine conflict from a Brazilian outsider, as well as in the guise of a warm non-confrontational coming-of-age film that should appeal greatly to foodies. I actually liked Schnapp in this role, mainly because he’s surrounded by such solid actors, including one of my personal faves, Mark Margolis, as his Israeli grandfather. Abe is the type of movie that may have gone completely overlooked in any other environment but actually keeps your attention through its warmth and pleasing storytelling that can bring those going through these hard times a smile or two. It’s not exactly reinventing the wheel or redefining “cinema” but it’s a good film to watch with the family you may now be cooped up with. (Probably for kids around Abe’s age so 11 and up?)
Next up is That Evening Sun director Scott Teems’ THE QUARRY (Lionsgate), a thriller based on Damon Galgut’s novel, starring Shea Whigham as a drifter who kills a travelling preacher and takes his place in a smalltown while being under suspicion of the police chief, played by Michael Shannon. The movie also stars Oscar nominee Catalina Sandino Moreno, and with those three alone, I really wanted to like this movie, but it was really dull and never really got me interested in any of the characters, which is especially a shame since Whigham is such a good actor, but this movie just didn’t do anything for me… at all.
Available now via VOD and on DVD/BluRay on April 28 is Tyler Cornack’s bizarre comedic (?) thriller BUTT BOY (Epic Pictures) -- co-written, directed and starring Cornack. To be honest, it’s the type of movie that is just too weird for its own good. I have to be honest that the movie’s title scared me, and if I read the actual premise beforehand, I might have been even more bothered about watching it then I was already just from the title. Okay, so Cornack plays Chip Gutchel, a married IT worker who becomes obsessed with anal probing after a proctology exam. A dog disappeared and then a baby but years later, a child disappears from Chip’s job, and the detective on the case (Tyler Rice), who is also being sponsored by Gutchel in AA, suspects that the missing child has gone up Gutchel’s … well, I don’t have to spell it out. This is one of those WHAT THE HOLY FUCK movies like The Greasy Strangler and Lemon that I immediately wondered (and apologies to the podcast of the same name) “How did this movie get made?!” While I felt the same way about the premise for the recent Swallow when I first learned about it, that movie was actually really good.  I knew as soon as it became obvious what was happening that I had absolutely zero need to watch a movie about a guy who is able to suck things up his own ass. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a competently-made genre film but as it became clearer and clearer where it was going, I was getting more and more queasy about the whole concept. So yeah, I wouldn’t recommend this to my worst enemy, and I’m guessing most people will feel the same but there’s a lot of boredom out there, so who knows?
Wow, that’s it? Four movies? Sheesh…
STREAMING AND CABLE
At this point, it almost seems silly to break this column down into sections ‘cause everything is gonna hit your computer and/or TV sets until theaters finally reopen. Note: I haven’t seen any of the movies or series below.
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Streaming on FX on Hulu Wednesday (today!) is the new mini-series Mrs. America, starring Cate Blanchett as Phyllis Schlafly, “the sweetheart of the silent majority,” a woman who is fighting back against women like Gloria Steinem (played by Rose Byrne!) and others who were pushing for the ERA (Equal Rights Amendment) in the 70’s. The amazing cast includes Margo Martindale, Uzo Aduba, Elizabeth Banks, Tracey Ullman, “sweetheart of FX” Sarah Paulson, Melanie Lynskey and yes, there is at least one man, played by John Slattery. The showrunner is Dahvi Waller from Mad Men, too, so this should be an entertaining watch, and I’m definitely on board.
Lots of stuff on Netflix this week but not necessarily anything that’s been on my radar, like the new docu-series, The Innocence Files, which is exec. produced and directed by a number of impressive filmmakers like Liz Garbus, Alex Gibney and Roger Ross Williams. Debuting on Wednesday (today!), it looks eight cases of wrongful conviction and what the Innocence Project has done to try to get their cases overturned. This is a subject that has really interested me, although I liked last year’s Brian Banks more than Just Mercy.  The Innocence Project is just such an amazing organization with what they’re doing to help those who can’t help themselves go up against the deeply injust criminal justice system, so this is definitely one I’ll be watching.
There are a few new features on Netflix on Friday, none of which I’ve seen but hopefully will be enticing viewing. The three new ones include the German film, Rising High, written and directed by Cüneyt Kaya, starring David Kross (not the comedian) as Viktor Stein and Gerry Falkand as Frederick Lau, two real estate moguls who get sucked into their wealth by defrauding the bank, losing sight of reality.
There’s also the French crime film, Earth and Blood (La Terre et Le Sange), from filmmaker Julien Leclerq about a sawmill owner named Saïd (Sami Bouajila) and his 18 year old daughter Sarah (Sofia Lesaffre) trying to sell his factory, not realizing that one of his apprentices hid cocaine in there, forcing father and daughter to face tough gangsters who want their drugs back.
Brazilian superstar Wagner Moura and Ana de Armas from Knives Out star in Greg Barker’s Sergio, a film about Sergio Viera de Mello, the UN diplomat who is ready to resign and spend time with his wife before he’s assigned to a mission in Baghdad just as the US invasion of 2003, and he’s crushed under a wall when a bomb blasts the UN headquarters.
Amazon Studios will be debuting Tayarisha Poe’s debut feature, SELAH AND THE SPADES, on Amazon Prime Video Friday. It takes place at Haldwell, an elite Pennsylvania board school run by five factions. It stars Lovie Simone as 17-year-old Selah Summer, who runs the most dominant group, the Spades, who caters to supply students with alcohol and pills. As tension builds between the factions, Selah’s right hand BFF Maxxie (Jharrel Jerome) has a new boyfriend, so Selah needs to find a new protégé.
Next week, more movies not in theaters!
By the way, if you read this week’s column and have bothered to read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or drop me a note or tweet on Twitter. I love hearing from readers … honest!
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Soquoque discovers:
My thoughts while watching twilight breaking dawn part 2, in 100 sentences or less  
1.       WHY ARE THE OPENING CREDITS SO LONG?
2.       Lol Bella is a vampire now, SURPRISE.
3.       AAAAH CGI PANTHER IS CGI
4.       Also, a panther? Really Bella? Way to overachieve
5.       Ew ew, CGI baby is CGI and really fucking weird looking
6.       Bella is about to beat Jacobs butt (also why does he take so long to tell her that he imprinted on her infant. Bruh this is not the moment to be vague)
7.       Kristen Stewart angry is only slightly more expressive then everyday Kristen Stewart
8.       Baby had feelings for Jacob in the womb
9.       Ah no Seth… Sam..? the brown werewolf
10.   Shortest fight EVER
11.   Also, anyone notice how he calls her Ness once and then literally never again.
12.   Aaaaah CGI baby is still heavily CGI
13.   I feel like part of Bella’s reason for being in this movie is to just point out all the stuff about vampires we already know since this is the fifth fucking movie. E.g. “vampires don’t sleep”
14.   Tbh this movie has a really good soundtrack, and a lot of sparkle effects  
15.   There she goes again pointing shit out “we don’t get tired” yeah Bella, we fucking know
16.   Directors message to Jacob was “eat this sandwich and stare out of the window longingly” and Taylor Lautner was like “I got this”
17.   Why didn’t Jacob know the entire plan? Like what did they expect him to do. I would totally go and wolf out in front of Bella’s father if I got this totally out of the blue news
18.   I fucking love Charlie man.  And Taylor Lautner’s work out programme.
19.   Was the acting always this bad? Also did Edward always sound like he was from Boston, New York?
20.   Lol these vampires seriously overestimate what we as a human species notice about each other. Move your shoulders so it looks like you’re breathing? You know how often I notice if people are breathing? Never
21.   Carlisle got tan-ish. I like it
22.   Kristen Stewart pretending to be Bella pretending to be a human-being-like Kristen Stewart is a sight and a half
23.   Charlie took all of this crap a lot better than they gave him credit for. Also, was he even in the Part 1? Or is this whole concerned dad act only present when the script calls for it?
24.   Bella makes promises she can’t keep
25.   Bells? Bells? Nope don’t even try to pull that surprise nickname thing Chuck. Also, aaaaah CGI baby is back. Again I ask, why couldn’t they JUST USE A NORMAL HUMAN BABY. YOU MADE A SHIT TON OF MONEY TWILIGHT, BUT YOU COULDN’T SPRING FOR A ACTUAL BABY (ASSUMING THEY ARE ALSO PAIID ACTORS OBVIOUSLY)
26.   The movie has time for a Bella vs Emmet arm wrestling match in case you forgot that new-borns are stronger than their aged vampire counter parts
27.   “That’s right bitches, I sparkle too now” – Bella, circa 2012
28.   “we shake hands now you forgive us for trying to kill the girl you loved and her baby. Yes?” “Yes.”
29.   Also, wtf is Reneesme and why do we only see this really high jumping power once and never again?
30.   Also, also, fuck Irina.
31.   Also, also also AAAAAAAH CGI EIGHT-YEAR-OLD IS CGI
32.   Yay, the Edward piano solo I was waiting for… said literally no one ever
33.   Damn she got to Rome fast.
34.   Also, the Voltari man. If you look up creepy old guys in the dictionary you will see their picture, posing like Charlie’s angels
35.   Can we run through Alice’s plan really quickly? She has this vision that the Voltari are ‘coming for them’ and then she, the fucking future see-er just bounces? Leaving them all to their own devices? Like what a dick move Alice- and yeah yeah I get that she needed to go find that other vampire-human hybrid and shit but a heads up would have been nice
36.   Also, “Vampire sex?” “No, too graphic.” “Throwing babies into fires?” “Yeah, that should be fine.”- the producers, probably
37.   Does Rosalee… Rosaline… Nikki Reed’s character, only have like five lines in this entire movie?
38.   Oh, look it’s those two shock ladies and that one brunette lady.
39.   AAAAH CGI 8-YEAR-OLD- YOU GET THE POINT
40.   Wow do all vampires overreact like this
41.   she touches their faces and now everything’s fine (even though they tried to kill her like 2 seconds ago)
42.   Yaaaaay Rami Malek. Look at the nature man go.
43.   Benjamin is the bestest
44.   Random safari ladies are fucking random… but appreciated
45.   Mentions the unpredictability of the nomad Peter… nothing happens ever again
46.   We have eighteen people, yay
47.   You don’t want to fight Allister? Then why are you here dude
48.   Its CGI jungle within a CGI jungle- its CGI-CEPTION
49.   Ooooooh, she’s a shield…. We knew that but okay
50.   The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming
51.   I thought Jacob was supposed to be the smart wolf… why is he hopelessly jumping at trees he can’t climb?
52.   Cedric Diggory: Hufflepuff, piano player, vegetarian, prize speech giver.
53.   Lol Bella stood up like she has a choice in whether to fight or not. Its your child babe, you best fight.
54.   Sudden introduction to Jane’s psycho brother Alec is sudden
55.   You’re telling me the Voltari found this one chump who couldn’t get to Carlisle house in time? That’s convenient
56.   And thus, commences Bella’s training, which lasts like five minutes before she totally has that shit down. And henceforth to the battlefield
57.   Also, Edward and Emmet make this scene… and the entire movie really
58.   Oh right, Reneesme is in this movie… forgot about her. Thanks for the bedtime story reading time thing twilight makers
59.   Bella: new-born, question-asker, part time Sherlock Holmes. Also, Edward GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER MAN. YOUR CHILD’S LIFE IS AT STAKE
60.   Ah Charlie, poor, hopeless, oblivious Charlie.
61.   Bella sits in a restaurant while her child’s life hangs in the balance  
62.   Also, AH, ITS RACHEL ZANES FATHER
63.   Bella has some seriously crappy handwriting… also goodbye Allister, we all knew you wouldn’t last
64.   Look at that, Charlie has a girlfriend.  And I don’t care
65.   Uhm I got up and left for like 3 minutes and now… campfire? Okay cool.
66.   These stories are really freaking depressing…. anyone know any good Dracula stories?
67.   Father- son bonding moments for the win.
68.   But side note, Edward never thanked Carlisle once for saving his life? Not even once? Dick move Cullen, dick move.
69.   Dum dum duh dum… landscapes, snow, so…many…vampires
70.   I love how they all stand in nice little groups just to really emphasise how pathetic the Cullen Army is compared to the monstrosity that is the Voltari
71.   Remove the hoods of our coats so they know we mean business
72.   Hey Carlisle, if you move closer you won’t have to yell
73.   If there was ever a time to vampire speed run, IT WOULD BE NOW EDWARD
74.   Question: what exactly is Aro’s ability again? He can read a persons past? Their minds? Their hands?
75.   “Emmet, you and Jacob in the back. Edward and I will protect her from the side. Ready? Break” – Bella probably
76.   Dude, I will never get over Aro’s creepy as shit laugh. Like we get it dude, you’re batshit crazy, no need to scare the kids.
77.   These Voltari don’t play around… they brought torches and everything. Also, oh no that lady that betrayed the Cullen’s is dead…but on the plus side Bella is actually being useful for once so yay?
78.   “Suck on my awesome shield making powers bitch”- Bella, probably again
79.   Lol Aro stopped Alec from unleashing his slow ass fog on the Cullen’s like it was going to make a difference?
80.   Such…a long…speech
81.   Alice is back yay… took her sweet ass time getting here though. Also, WHY IS NO ONE VAMPIRE RUNNING?
82.   Okay so a summary of the events taking place right now: everything is going to shit. Carlisle is dead (not gonna lie, the first time I watched this movie I lost my shit when that happened) and basically everyone is killing everyone. But obvs the Cullen’s have to win or else what is the point although all logic would say that they really shouldn’t because they have eighteen fucking vampires and the Voltari have like…a lot more than eighteen but hey, Cullen’s for the win
83.   “Aaaaaaaaand it was all an illusion suckers. Fuck you for thinking we would kill Carlisle, we love that guy” – the maker of twilight, probably.
84.   Hey there’s that Brazilian vampire-human hybrid dude that’s going to save the day. Woohoo
85.   Oh, so NOW they vampire run. Fucking stupid ass Voltari
86.   Lol another father-son bonding moment. Easy there son Jacob, respect your dad
87.   Aww look at the happy family on the CGI beach.
88.   And now folks, a recap of the past four movies… you know, just in case you missed it.
89.   Is it just me or are they just making up Bella’s ‘abilities’ as we go along. What, now she can remove her shield and let Edward read her mind. Fuck off twilight people.
90.   Also, AAAAHHHH its younger, creepier Edward
91.   And just like that, the end of an era. So long you sparkly sons of bitches
92.   So…many…end credits. (I do love this song though)
93.   Wait, is Booboo Stewart related to Kristen Stewart? Please hold while I Google this
94.   He’s not.
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caityamyvr-blog · 6 years
Text
My thoughts while watching Breaking Dawn Part 2: in up to 100 sentences
1.       WHY ARE THE OPENING CREDITS SO LONG?
2.       Lol Bella is a vampire now, SURPRISE.
3.       AAAAH CGI PANTHER IS CGI
4.       Also, a panther? Really Bella? Way to overachieve
5.       Ew ew, CGI baby is CGI and really fucking weird looking
6.       Bella is about to beat Jacobs butt (also why does he take so long to tell her that he imprinted on her infant. Bruh this is not the moment to be vague)
7.       Kristen Stewart angry is only slightly more expressive then everyday Kristen Stewart
8.       Baby had feelings for Jacob in the womb
9.       Ah no Seth… Sam..? the brown werewolf
10.   Shortest fight EVER
11.   Also, anyone notice how he calls her Ness once and then literally never again.
12.   Aaaaah CGI baby is still heavily CGI
13.   I feel like part of Bella’s reason for being in this movie is to just point out all the stuff about vampires we already know since this is the fifth fucking movie. E.g. “vampires don’t sleep”
14.   Tbh this movie has a really good soundtrack, and a lot of sparkle effects  
15.   There she goes again pointing shit out “we don’t get tired” yeah Bella, we fucking know
16.   Directors message to Jacob was “eat this sandwich and stare out of the window longingly” and Taylor Lautner was like “I got this”
17.   Why didn’t Jacob know the entire plan? Like what did they expect him to do. I would totally go and wolf out in front of Bella’s father if I got this totally out of the blue news
18.   I fucking love Charlie man.  And Taylor Lautner’s work out programme.
19.   Was the acting always this bad? Also did Edward always sound like he was from Boston, New York?
20.   Lol these vampires seriously overestimate what we as a human species notice about each other. Move your shoulders so it looks like you’re breathing? You know how often I notice if people are breathing? Never
21.   Carlisle got tan-ish. I like it
22.   Kristen Stewart pretending to be Bella pretending to be a human-being-like Kristen Stewart is a sight and a half
23.   Charlie took all of this crap a lot better than they gave him credit for. Also, was he even in the Part 1? Or is this whole concerned dad act only present when the script calls for it?
24.   Bella makes promises she can’t keep
25.   Bells? Bells? Nope don’t even try to pull that surprise nickname thing Chuck. Also, aaaaah CGI baby is back. Again I ask, why couldn’t they JUST USE A NORMAL HUMAN BABY. YOU MADE A SHIT TON OF MONEY TWILIGHT, BUT YOU COULDN’T SPRING FOR A ACTUAL BABY (ASSUMING THEY ARE ALSO PAIID ACTORS OBVIOUSLY)
26.   The movie has time for a Bella vs Emmet arm wrestling match in case you forgot that new-borns are stronger than their aged vampire counter parts
27.   “That’s right bitches, I sparkle too now” – Bella, circa 2012
28.   “we shake hands now you forgive us for trying to kill the girl you loved and her baby. Yes?” “Yes.”
29.   Also, wtf is Reneesme and why do we only see this really high jumping power once and never again?
30.   Also, also, fuck Irina.
31.   Also, also also AAAAAAAH CGI EIGHT-YEAR-OLD IS CGI
32.   Yay, the Edward piano solo I was waiting for… said literally no one ever
33.   Damn she got to Rome fast.
34.   Also, the Voltari man. If you look up creepy old guys in the dictionary you will see their picture, posing like Charlie’s angels
35.   Can we run through Alice’s plan really quickly? She has this vision that the Voltari are ‘coming for them’ and then she, the fucking future see-er just bounces? Leaving them all to their own devices? Like what a dick move Alice- and yeah yeah I get that she needed to go find that other vampire-human hybrid and shit but a heads up would have been nice
36.   Also, “Vampire sex?” “No, too graphic.” “Throwing babies into fires?” “Yeah, that should be fine.”- the producers, probably
37.   Does Rosalee… Rosaline… Nikki Reed’s character, only have like five lines in this entire movie?
38.   Oh, look it’s those two shock ladies and that one brunette lady.
39.   AAAAH CGI 8-YEAR-OLD- YOU GET THE POINT
40.   Wow do all vampires overreact like this
41.   she touches their faces and now everything’s fine (even though they tried to kill her like 2 seconds ago)
42.   Yaaaaay Rami Malek. Look at the nature man go.
43.   Benjamin is the bestest
44.   Random safari ladies are fucking random… but appreciated
45.   Mentions the unpredictability of the nomad Peter… nothing happens ever again
46.   We have eighteen people, yay
47.   You don’t want to fight Allister? Then why are you here dude
48.   Its CGI jungle within a CGI jungle- its CGI-CEPTION
49.   Ooooooh, she’s a shield…. We knew that but okay
50.   The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming
51.   I thought Jacob was supposed to be the smart wolf… why is he hopelessly jumping at trees he can’t climb?
52.   Cedric Diggory: Hufflepuff, piano player, vegetarian, prize speech giver.
53.   Lol Bella stood up like she has a choice in whether to fight or not. Its your child babe, you best fight.
54.   Sudden introduction to Jane’s psycho brother Alec is sudden
55.   You’re telling me the Voltari found this one chump who couldn’t get to Carlisle house in time? That’s convenient
56.   And thus, commences Bella’s training, which lasts like five minutes before she totally has that shit down. And henceforth to the battlefield
57.   Also, Edward and Emmet make this scene… and the entire movie really
58.   Oh right, Reneesme is in this movie… forgot about her. Thanks for the bedtime story reading time thing twilight makers
59.   Bella: new-born, question-asker, part time Sherlock Holmes. Also, Edward GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER MAN. YOUR CHILD’S LIFE IS AT STAKE
60.   Ah Charlie, poor, hopeless, oblivious Charlie.
61.   Bella sits in a restaurant while her child’s life hangs in the balance  
62.   Also, AH, ITS RACHEL ZANES FATHER
63.   Bella has some seriously crappy handwriting… also goodbye Allister, we all knew you wouldn’t last
64.   Look at that, Charlie has a girlfriend.  And I don’t care
65.   Uhm I got up and left for like 3 minutes and now… campfire? Okay cool.
66.   These stories are really freaking depressing…. anyone know any good Dracula stories?
67.   Father- son bonding moments for the win.
68.   But side note, Edward never thanked Carlisle once for saving his life? Not even once? Dick move Cullen, dick move.
69.   Dum dum duh dum… landscapes, snow, so…many…vampires
70.   I love how they all stand in nice little groups just to really emphasise how pathetic the Cullen Army is compared to the monstrosity that is the Voltari
71.   Remove the hoods of our coats so they know we mean business
72.   Hey Carlisle, if you move closer you won’t have to yell
73.   If there was ever a time to vampire speed run, IT WOULD BE NOW EDWARD
74.   Question: what exactly is Aro’s ability again? He can read a persons past? Their minds? Their hands?
75.   “Emmet, you and Jacob in the back. Edward and I will protect her from the side. Ready? Break” – Bella probably
76.   Dude, I will never get over Aro’s creepy as shit laugh. Like we get it dude, you’re batshit crazy, no need to scare the kids.
77.   These Voltari don’t play around… they brought torches and everything. Also, oh no that lady that betrayed the Cullen’s is dead…but on the plus side Bella is actually being useful for once so yay?
78.   “Suck on my awesome shield making powers bitch”- Bella, probably again
79.   Lol Aro stopped Alec from unleashing his slow ass fog on the Cullen’s like it was going to make a difference?
80.   Such…a long…speech
81.   Alice is back yay… took her sweet ass time getting here though. Also, WHY IS NO ONE VAMPIRE RUNNING?
82.   Okay so a summary of the events taking place right now: everything is going to shit. Carlisle is dead (not gonna lie, the first time I watched this movie I lost my shit when that happened) and basically everyone is killing everyone. But obvs the Cullen’s have to win or else what is the point although all logic would say that they really shouldn’t because they have eighteen fucking vampires and the Voltari have like…a lot more than eighteen but hey, Cullen’s for the win
83.   “Aaaaaaaaand it was all an illusion suckers. Fuck you for thinking we would kill Carlisle, we love that guy” – the maker of twilight, probably.
84.   Hey there’s that Brazilian vampire-human hybrid dude that’s going to save the day. Woohoo
85.   Oh, so NOW they vampire run. Fucking stupid ass Voltari
86.   Lol another father-son bonding moment. Easy there son Jacob, respect your dad
87.   Aww look at the happy family on the CGI beach.
88.   And now folks, a recap of the past four movies… you know, just in case you missed it.
89.   Is it just me or are they just making up Bella’s ‘abilities’ as we go along. What, now she can remove her shield and let Edward read her mind. Fuck off twilight people.
90.   Also, AAAAHHHH its younger, creepier Edward
91.   And just like that, the end of an era. So long you sparkly sons of bitches
92.   So…many…end credits. (I do love this song though)
93.   Wait, is Booboo Stewart related to Kristen Stewart? Please hold while I Google this
94.   He’s not.
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