#all your comments were fantastic-- i didnt even finish reading them all there's so much HEAT!!

[magnusbae]

So there you have it guys, we’re 2020 simps it seems >:D

[dumbbitchfrommars]

on another note (please let me distract myself from my pathetic past times) - MY PRESENTATION WENT REALLY WELL! well as well as i am capable of. i was reading from the cue cards the entire time but my script was good and so were my slides. i was shaking but my voice was steady, and my knees didn't buckle from the adrenaline-anxiety, so i think i did pretty fucking fantastic. for the others who are used to presenting and dont know the depths of my shame associated with a lifetime of crippling anxiety - its easy to critique my lack of connection with the audience. but in all honesty... IT IS SUCH A PRIVILEGE AND AN HONOUR TO RECEIVE SUCH CRITICISM. like, my presentation was substantial enough to even receive comments. and you understood what i said, and you listened to me, and it wasnt completely terrible, and i didnt have to watch myself so i survived. and i did it!!! it makes me cringe to imagine seeing myself up there not even glancing up at them for a second but sometimes you have to do what you can to get through difficult situations. i am so fucking proud of myself. like... i can hear my inner child jumping for joy. im actually fucking traumatised from the one time i tried to present in grade 7 and the dickhead class clown made fun of me for having badly made slides. in retrospect... he was criticising me because i was the teachers pet and was probably jealous of how smart i really was. and its easy to pick on someone whos already shy. but man did that fuck me up. and that shyness carried on into high school. i cant believe no one saw me and thought hm, she looks like shes struggling, maybe she needs counselling. maybe she needs help. maybe she deserves a little compassion. instead everyone took advantage of their power over the girl raised to be a people pleaser and subservient to authority. NOW LOOK AT ME YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! i wont listen to bullshit from anyone. not kim telling me oh, but makeup wont get paid as much as here, oh youll probably only get around $28 an hour. GUESS WHAT BITCH, I GET THE SAME EXACT RATES AS THIS SHITHOLE. and ill be even happier doing it. no more drunks, no more creeps, no more druggies, no more aggros, no more smelly homeless weirdos, and no more energy vampire coworkers.

fuck you scott for being less mature than me, someone probably less than half your age. i am the adult when youre around and it must make you so fucking insecure. anyway. i always get like this before the weekend when i am forced back into that hell hole place.... at least i dont have to deal with the annoying ones tomorrow. and fridays are usually more fun because there are more young people heading out for the night.

working in alcohol is just not appropriate, safe, fun, or nurturing for a beautiful 22 year old girl. sorry guys. i got to go. its not my fault my energy triggered you because youre old and afraid of change and settled for a shitty job just because it paid well. LIFE IS FOR LIVING NOT FOR MAKING MONEY.

on that note, i know its a privilege to up and leave a job simply because the "vibes werent right". its a privilege to say money doesnt matter to me. and its a privilege to choose a job based on my personal preference and not on survival. but its a privilege we all have, if youre willing to work hard enough. im sick of lowering my voice and downplaying my strengths and my achievements for fear of pissing people off, for triggering people, for bringing their insecurities to light. LET ME WIN IN PEACE FOR ONCE. smile for me for once. pretend to be happy for ME for once.

i hate fucking pretending its not that big of a deal when its secretly a huge deal for me. i have achieved so fucking much in the last year of my life. i finished an undergraduate bachelors degree, i got a new job and excelled in it, literally made all the customers prefer me over my longstanding coworkers who are miserable with the worst attitudes even towards me who is nothing but kind and friendly. i started and honours degree whilst working part time - and im excelling in that too. because i am hardworking as much as everyone wants to pretend im not, and that im not that capable, and that i need things to be explained to MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE. cause i clearly have a lot more going for me that you want to believe. i might only be 22 but i was raised to work hard and strive and always find something new and better to challenge me to work towards. anyway, i also went on a trip to europe this year . though it feels like ive already erased that from my memory, cause it didnt go the way i wanted it to. anyway. i know how to handle my finances, i am independent, i am strong, i push myself. i joined a gym after years of avoiding and bein afraid and not believing in myself enough to do it. I AM PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY STRONG AND GETTING STRONGER EVERY DAY. ugh . i just wish people could see that. i wish people appreciated that...

yes i was very sad to say i was leaving my job. but God instantly reminded me why i wanted to leave in the first place. why i decided to make that application, go to that interview, and pray for months on end that my time to leave would come soon. because no matter how much love and kindness i pour into that place, it will always take and never give. i am completely drained by it. i will break if i stay there. and i cannot fucking wait to leave and know that slowly but surely, every single one of the stupid, pathetic alcoholics that frequent that place will notice my absence and be disappointed that im gone. and they will wonder why, and they will realise and know, that the people there were so fucking terrible to me that i had no other choice but to find something better. that in their own little way, they contributed to me leaving.

even my manager. i already know im gonna miss him like crazy when i leave but its for the best. not only is this crush fucking relentless and so stupid, but hes not even that great, and he doesnt deserve my respect and adoration to this level. as cute and funny he is, he is just another white man. sigh

i didnt realise i had such a rant to get out... i think scott triggered me yesterday. the good thing is i dont really notice in the moment how much of a man child hes being, so he doesnt get the satisfaction of my irritation in person. but i wont forget that he dipped and i didnt get a break after being on my feet for 6 hours straight. fuck you, old man.

[artreider]

Daughter is down for the night, let's see if internet will allow me to watch and live blog the next episode.

Travis is so hurt and that just hurts me. I'm glad we are getting his backstory with Michael.

Okay so if Michael died in 2016 and it was 2009 at the start of the episode, then they were together for at least six years. So travis has been a firefighter at least 11 years at this point in the series. So what station was he at, and how did he and Michael meet. Im just curious because theo calls his buddy michael probie and then doesnt say travis name. Travis tells him name and instead of calling probie as well making me believe he had been either a firefighter for a bit longer than Michael or he is from a different station, because surely if they were all at the same station he would call him by name or maybe travis is from a different shift at the station.

I love this episode but it still left me with questions.

Also so i didnt even make it five minutes in, thanks internet let's restart it.

Also are they all in the same academy class because it sounds like it.

I'm not okay with travic being not a dynamic duo at the start, i love their friendship.

Hey look the captain has returned lol, also this sushi conversation i have had with my coworker. Leftover sushibis just wrong, fight me on this. Im glad maya agrees. Also i agree with sulluvan its from the grocery store, i dont eat my sushi from anywhere but a restaurant thats gross, and making it day old is worse.

Of course travis agrees with the sushi talk, they are truly two peas in a pod. Im surprised vic didnt ask to stay at maya and carina's for a few days.

I like theo and jack this episode.

Vic looks tripped out by travis showing her his scars lmao. Travis and this scar analogy is fantastic and makes me giggle, so dramatic.

I still dont know how i feel about these two drug addicts.

First commercial and i just want to add that the sushi scene i love, the family feel is wonderful.

Michael and travis are so cute. Also how long was theo a captain before michael died?

Listening to libby you can tell how troubled travis is by the look on his face. Its like he's thinking what if something were to happen to Hughes and we weren't in a good place.

Im glad jack came to talk to theo. It's good for them both.

Emmett you cutie. Im glad he is speaking truths to travis.

This proposal is so cute, the double proposal makes me so happy.

Travis needs to become a dad, he so wanted that future with Michael.

Its so cute that theo was there for the proposal and his best friends. Who stood up for travis at the wedding and who married michael and travis? Im headcanoning theo marrying them.

I totally get travis's feelings about theo in light of Michael's death but with how involved he was with the two i wish travis had found some way to heal with his friend sooner.

Vic trying to discuss Emmett, oh i love you.

This scene by the trees is so tough.

I bet they had so much fun shooting this even if it was difficult material.

So travis is in a apartment instead of his house with michael, howd that happen.

The things they are saying to each other are so hard. Everyone grieves differently.

Okay how long was theo a firefighter before he became captain. They were possibly in the academy in 2009, he was training for lt in 2010 and in 2012 he was put up for captain. So it seems he was on the fast track like maya. Okay he was only at lt for 6 months with may he a bit longer than maya.

Though she definitely made better decisions as captain. Also i love that ripley put up for it and ripley is who told maya to become lt and that she'd be a good captain.

Theo's joke about dying in a fire is just wrong.

Theo did make a bad call like travis worried but his being green should be a reason to find forgiveness for him.

Im glad michael stood uo for his friend. Also travis asked if it was a good idea theo being michaels captain, not ours. That further leads me to believe that travis was at a different station. I really cant shake the thought that he was at station 19 by this point for the simple fact of capt hererra saying he hand picked all of them.

Its nice that travis is finally talking to vic about his anger and sadness over michael, his grief and apologizing for his comments about ripley.

Okay so based off the past episodes for the characters, gibson and miller have been at the station longer than andy and maya and it appears travis has been as well. So that just has me questioning how long hughes has been, did we get dates when we learned how she became a firefighter, i cant remember.

Who notified travis that Michael was gone? He wasn't on scene otherwise he'd already have seen theo.

Theo was so good to own up to his mistake to the higher ups and travis.

The house vs apartment thing bothers me about station 19. Like maya's apartment always felt like a house and then we see its an apartment. Travis lived in a house with Michael and now has an apartment filled with Michael's things. Then Jack had an apartment or something in season 3 and now lives with martha and co. Then vic is basically homelessx had an apartment then jumped from friends homes. I dunno why i bothers me so, i guess it just feels so inconsistent, i dunno if that makes sense.

Ugh the ruiz and Gibson scene here is so good for them once again and im glad it helped marcus. Im sad marcus wont be a part of jacks life anymore.

Theo why did you decide to talk to vic about ripley? Not that it was a bad talk just curious what sparked it.

Travis im so proud of you, this talk here is so important for your healing. Vic i love your joke. Yay my travic is healing.

Okay so hughes was probie in 2016 after michael died. Ugh i need to know more about travis time at station 19 before during or after whatever michael died. Also when did andy and maya graduate im blanking on the year.

Travic's first scene at the station together is so lovely.

Ugh travis's phone call is so rough.

So travis cant vacation very well either, no wonder he told maya to enjoy her trip with carina in sesson 3.

The station 19 actors are so phenomenal. Such a wonderfully acted episode.

So as im sure my followers and anyone else reading this has gathered, i decided to do this live blog as one whole thing since the anon was upset by my previous posts. If you hate this and think i should go back to the other way let me know or if i should take their suggestion and creatr my own tag let me know. Basically if you are interested in my live blog please let me know what you think.

The anon has been weighing on me leading me to almost not want to finish my live blog of the series.

[attina-the-responsible]

36 Questions that Lead to Love ~*~ [Siren]

@panicked-percy

In which Attina and Panic get to know each other a little better...[takes place: sometime in early July]

[tw -- talk of death]

ATTINA: Andrina had been right: there was a lot about Panic that she didn’t know. 

She had once thought that she knew most of it, if not all of it. Which was a nice feeling when it came to a significant other--she usually didn’t know them very well before she dated them. Panic had been her friend for years before they started anything. However, most of it had been a lie. Panic had used Percy’s life, obviously, to lie about his own (though, not entirely a lie, since he had lived most of those experiences alongside Percy.) 

But--she wanted the truth.

Especially if she was going to tell Panic that she was a mermaid.

Which meant she had cajoled him into 36 Questions -- How to Fall in Love.

They were sitting on the couch in her apartment, cocktails on the coffee table, having just finished dinner. Attina’s painted toes buried in the cushion on Panic’s other side, her smooth legs across his lap. Her other hand held a pencil (for notes! she’d told him brightly when he’d asked) and a clipboard with the questions attached. 

“Alright!” she said brightly, “first question: if you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be? I’d invite Charlie Veron. He’s a marine biologist who has discovered the most types of coral reefs and he’s just–super passionate and interesting. I’ve read all his books.”

PANIC: Panic had agreed to a number of things that he didn’t know what to do with anymore. 1. To tell all the Tritons he was a demon. 2. To ‘date’ the sisters to maybe they would let him in on their secret. 3. To talk about 36 questions that lead to love.

He hated the feeling in his chest for the first two. The last one. Well that was simple. That was something he could do without feeling like his world was collapsing. 

“Gordon Ramsay, If I can either eat his food or have him taste mine well I think that would be something to write home about.” Panic answered glancing at the questions. “Would you want to be famous and what for?  Nah, I wouldn’t want to be. It’s way too much pressures and eyes. It would be cool to be known as a chef but I don’t like the thought of my name, everywhere. Or well not my name but Percy’s.”

ATTINA: Attina smiled.

Gordon Ramsay was what he’d said the first time (well, the way that Percy had said it), though his answer changed slightly. And the way he answered made Tina feel awful for not realizing--how had she not realized?--that the first time she’d done this, it wasn’t with Panic?

“I mean--I’d like to be a conservationist, but no one is ever really famous for that.” She shrugged and stole the paper back, scribbling a note and then continuing. 

“Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why? Eh--not really. Only if I’m ordering take out for like...everyone.” By everyone, she meant her family, of course. “Or if it is something important. Not that I have important phone calls a lot, I just wing it, usually. You?” 

PANIC: A conservationist. It fit her. He imagined her as one, he imagined her helping as she wanted to. He imagined her getting out of here so she could experience it, see it, protect it. It made him smile. It made him have big dreams for her.

“Maybe you could be famous in the community. Small time famous.” Panic mused as the paper left his hands laughing as she scribbled away.

“I used to. I would be so worried I’d say the wrong thing. Sometimes it would be before in-person conversations too.” Panic explained with a shrug not even taking the paper this time just leaning over. “ What would be your perfect day?” Panic leaned back as he hummed about it. “Breakfast in bed, a late start to the morning. Fancy restaurant at night and I dunno what’s in the middle.”

ATTINA: Attina didn’t really acknowledge the ‘famous in the community’ comment, because, well--they both knew that wasn’t for her. It wasn’t going to happen. No matter what, she couldn’t leave Daddy behind, even if all her sisters left, one by one by one by one by one by one. 

Attina would stay. 

Because she felt obligated to, but also, because she was scared.

Her head tilted at Panic’s answer, and it made her wonder--and it made her curious. Was this because of the demon thing? Panic didn’t want people to know he was different? Or was he more shy than Attina had thought? She reserved her questions, though, they were only on four--if she didn’t find out the answer later on, she’d ask them. 

“No idea what’s in the middle?” Attina raised an eyebrow. “Leave it to you to center the day around food.” She poked his thigh with her foot from where her legs were still stretched over his.

“For me? A day with my family--and you, of course. Well--okay, so--breakfast in bed, definitely. Then a lazy start to the morning, maybe a swim in the ocean. This is all taking place at a beach house. A big lunch with everyone I love. More swimming, maybe some shopping--no good day is complete without a little shopping, maybe some pampering too. Then, yeah, a nice dinner. Maybe quiet, for you and me.” She smiled at him, thought about it for a second more, and then nodded with finality. 

“When--did you last sing to someone else? To yourself? Er, well--I don’t...sing that much. Well, I do, but not really. I sing when I clean sometimes or am cooking or with my sisters in the car.” She used to sing a lot more, her shoulder shrugged a little. “Yeah, haven’t serenaded anyone in a while, though,” she joked, lamely. 

PANIC: Panic laughed because he knew he deserved the jab. He didnt care what happened in the middle as long as he was with people he cared about. That would be enough for him. Easily his perfect day could be swimming in between great meals.

Seeing someone he loved happy had to be part of his perfect day too. He just wasnt going to be that sappy outloud. 

Panic grimaced at the thought of someone hearing him sing though. "Sing to someone probably never. I dont think you want to hear me sing. I'll just pretend to mouth the words while I shower ot something." Panic joked. "But feel free to serenade me any day." And with each word he leaned closer to her until he could steal a kiss then glanced at the paper like nothing happened. "Would you want to live to 90 with the body or mind of the 30 year old for those 60 years." 

"I'd say mind. I mean it's also kind of hard to consider because of what I am. It's better to have ones mind and shift to control other forms than lose your mental strength."

ATTINA: Attina blushed and giggled as Panic leaned in for a kiss, letting it happen, the sound of it popping like bubblegum in the air.

She wasn’t going to sing for him, though. Not any time soon.

Her nose wrinkled a little and she tilted her head, listening to his answer while alaso trying to decide her own. She was--honestly a little surprised that he would say mind over body, since, from her understanding, the body was an important part of Panic’s whole...thing. But, when he explained it, it made sense. At least...she thought it did. 

She pursed her lips, trying to figure out how she felt about what he’d said, because it was pragmatic, but it also got to the root of the problem: Panic’s body was not his own.

“I think--mind for me too. I mean...part of me wants to say keep the body, but I figure that’s the shallow answer. And what is the point if I don’t remember who I love?”

“Do you have a secret hunch about how you’d die?” Attina chewed her lip, brow furrowed, but she nodded too. “Yeah, I mean, I always kind of had this feeling like...I am gonna die really horribly, y’know? I don’t know why…”

She did. Her mother’s death. The way mermaids were treated in the world. The very real threat of brutal murder hanging over her head day after day.

“Maybe it’s because my sisters and I always talk about the best deaths in horror movies or something.” She laughed off the moroseness.

PANIC: Shallow was fine to him too. After all people liked being shallow. It wasn’t like Panic wasn’t happy that Percy was a good looking guy. Not that Panic would have ditched him if he wasn’t but still he liked it. 

“Why is it fun to imagine or talk about the best deaths in horror movies?” The thought of it made Panic grimace. Gruesome deaths would be painful and it was defintely a way people choose to torture people in the underworld. “I dunno, being sent back would be a death of a life in a way and for a long time I imagined that I guess.” Panic explained.

ATTINA: Attina just shrugged a little at his question. She didn’t really know the answer to that. It was, more or less, a defense mechanism, she figured against the very real horrors of what her family faced.

Couldn’t say that though!

Moving on.

Listening to Panic, Attina frowned and found her hand moving over to touch his shoulder and then the hair at the base of his neck. It was such a...strange thing to think about. Honestly, Attina tried not to most days, because it still felt so...strange. Panic--a demon. Panic--coming from the Underworld. Despite being a mermaid, despite growing up in Swynlake, despite the level of fantasy she consumed--all of this felt far too fantastical for Attina.

That was why she was doing this, though. She was trying to be brave. 

“Is it really that bad?” she asked softly--not really sure if she wanted the answer or not.

PANIC: Panic shrugged pursing his lips and moving his attention from his girlfriend to the ceiling. Did they want to go into it? Sure Panic had been the one to bring it up but he never shared theses things. It wasn’t something he ever dealt with. Even with Percy they didn’t talk about his past.

“Depends I guess on who you are. There are those that torture and those that are the targets.” Panic admitted hoping she would be able to tell which of them he was. He didn’t think it was that hard to tell why he had run away.

ATTINA: Attina frowned at that, and she was glad she’d taken what she’d started calling her “medicine” before coming to Panic’s. It meant the worry was a low sizzle in her stomach. The idea of torture, when not in a classic slasher film, set all her nerves on end. 

She couldn’t imagine--

Except she could. All her worst nightmares were torture and death, filled with blood and scales being carved off. 

Attina knew she wanted to get to know Panic’s world better--but it didn’t sound like anywhere she wanted to know. It made sense to her that he had wanted to leave. In her opinion, that was all she needed to know.

“Well, it’s a good thing you’re not there any longer, hm?” She smiled a little at him before very clearly ruffling the papers to move on.  “Okay, I answered the last one first, so--your turn: Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.”

PANIC: Back to the questions and a safe topic. Panic could handle that. He preferred that in most ways. “Three things we have in common. Family values. We can both be petty as fuck sometimes. We’re both hot?” Panic stated with a grin wiggling his eyebrows as her now more willing to look at her and he was definitely having a time going back to teasing her. 

“Does that count as a serious answer or do I need a real third one?”

ATTINA: Attina gasped and clucked her tongue.

“I’m not petty!” Though, this was a very unconvincing thing to say, because Attina was--very petty when she wanted to be. It just made her cheeks burn a little to realize Panic had noticed. “However, I will accept that we are both hot if only because you’re complimenting me. As long as you do mean it.” She wrinkled her nose a bit at him before looking up at the ceiling.

“Ummm, we both like to cook! We both have siblings that drive us up a wall but we’d do anything for. Is that the same as family values? Well, I think it’s different and important, but--we also both are kind of homebodies. Annnd--” we’re both magical creatures that the world hates, “--we both have a secret the rest of the world can’t know.” 

She pursed her lips a little at him before looking down.

“Anyway--For what in your life do you feel most grateful? Well, that’s easy. My family. Oh! And you, of course.” Her smile was warm when she looked back up at him. 

PANIC: They both had a secret they couldn't tell the world. The simple sentence still choked him up. Made his heart clench too tightly. Made his frown deepen even with the quick subject change. It still lingered. 

Reaching out he gave her leg a small squeeze. He had her back no matter what her secret was.

He did however smile at her feeling grateful for him. At least that made his heart untwist a little bit. "Percy. First and foremost. Without him I wouldn't be here. Any other decision on his part and I wouldn't be. You of course. I never thought I would ever really be able to tell people about me. Freedom. Life. Family. The basic other things that make life worth living." Panic answered. "If you could change anything about the way you were raised. I wish I could have just been born a human in this world. I wish percy hadnt been sick."

ATTINA: Attina almost laughed.

She would’ve, if she hadn’t had her medication, which left her drifting like a buoy on the sea. She just rolled with the waves. Panic said: I wish I could have just been born a human in this world and Attina just felt her heart twist in her chest. The cruel irony buried beneath the medication and her empathy, which rose, round and buoyant as a balloon. 

Maybe, hearing all of this should freak her out. Should make her love Panic just a little less. 

It didn’t. The feeling inside her chest just got bigger and bigger. 

She wanted to repeat those exact words back at him. There was a part of her, the mermaid, screeching a siren’s song in her chest: Tell him! Tell him! 

“I wish I didn’t have my secret too,” she finally said. “I wish that all my sisters and I could just...be ourselves. Also, that my--mum was around for more of it.” 

She cleared her throat and glanced down. Attina barely talked about her mum, and she certainly hadn’t talked about her much around Panic. 

“Okay--” Attina reached for her timer. “Get ready for my life’s story. Pretty sure you know most of this already…” 

“Alright, well, I was born June 22, 1991–Gemini-Cancer cusp, though I definitely lean more towards Cancer. Nine months later, almost exactly, Andrina was born. So, we’ve pretty much always been in this together. Then, Adella. Then, Arista. They were back to back, Adella when Andrina was about two. Then, Aquata was born a year or so after that. Then, Alana. Then, eventually, Ariel, but there was a bit more of a break between them. I was about eight by then. Uhm, when I was about 11-13, I was going to London in the summers for Youth Orchestra. I was first seat harpist. Won awards and such.” She popped her shoulders in a shrug.

“Then, uhm, I was in secondary–had a boyfriend when I was sixteen, he was a jerk, as most sixteen year old boys are. I was on the debate team and chess team and in band and mock trials…then, uhm, mymotherdied.” She had to stop and suck in a deep breath, looking away for a moment. 

“Then, I graduated and went to university at PrideU. Once I graduated and got into the Master’s program, Andy and I moved into this apartment. I finished my Master’s three years ago? Gosh, it’s been a while. And–then I started working at Whosits and Whatsits and met you and...here I am!”

The timer went off.

“Oh, good, I was about done anyway! Your turn.”

PANIC: Panic's lips twisted into a frown at the mention of Attina's mother. He really didn’t know the story there. He hadn’t asked and she hadn’t provided more than a couple details. Which was okay with him. He wasn't going to force her to talk about it. He just needed to know the basics. Which included the fact he knew Attina had lost her Mum way too young. 

He still tried to give whatever comfort he could for her. A smile on his lips. A squeeze of her leg. Giving her all his focus. 

“Can you do the timer for me as well?” Panic requested before launching into his own story, he knew she hadn’t heard this story and he watched carefully if he was going in too deep.

“Um so yeah in human years if I’m honest I don’t know when I was born but it was always known what I would be and the best way to be it is to be thrust into the situation. So I grew up around other Panic demons, Pains as well.” Panic started. “I knew that I never wanted to go into it but it’s not a choice that I had so I knew I wanted to leave. It took a long time before I was able to find an escape. When I did I wasn’t going to last, only the strongest demons can stay in this world without a host and so Percy was there. For a long time he was my host without hearing his voice. But I was always determined to get stronger and in my goal to get stronger I opened my mind for Percy to slip through. They thing was I couldn’t push him back down. I like to think I couldn’t do it to him or maybe I didn’t have the energy. But we started to talk. We started to learn things about each other and we grew up like that. Tests got really easy but thankfully we both really liked cooking. It didn’t matter who was in control or if we switched in between so we went for it. We learned what we could and trained where we could. We went to school for it and we experienced half a life. Fun fact I don’t know how to drive. Percy does. I know how to swim, he doesn’t.” Panic stated simply before glancing at the time. “Then Swynlake became an option where we could maybe find out more about demons and hosts and what we could do and I didn’t know what I would find but I was hoping for something. Then I got a job at Remy’s and met you and well I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. Demon knowledge or not.”

And the timer chimed.

“That’s my story. Have I scared you off?”

ATTINA: Attina was quiet as she listened, her brow furrowed. And she thought about the last time they’d done this. Except, it hadn’t been them. It had been Percy impersonating Panic, lying to her. Though, not lies, not exactly--he had just told her his own story, which, she supposed, in a way, was Panic’s too. But here was so much more. 

She listened to it all--

And maybe, she should be scared off. There were parts of it that didn’t sit right with her, of course. Parts that she wished weren’t true, but she was learning--when you loved someone, that didn’t matter. When you loved someone, you loved all those pieces of them that were ugly or cruel or terrible. She didn’t think Panic was ugly or cruel or terrible, but she knew that others would. That he had been born into a life that he didn’t want, that there was nothing he could do about who he was or where he’d come from.

And Attina understood. She understood and all she had in her heart was empathy, growing larger and rounder and warmer the longer he spoke. 

“No,” she said, shaking her head a little at him, though her voice was soft and contemplative. She meant it though, every word. “I just--wish it was different.” One of her shoulders shrugged, her cardigan slipping down. “But, I’ve spent my whole life wishing that, so it isn’t much of a difference. It just--makes me sad. What you went through. What Percy has gone through. The fact that you don’t have a choice but to rely on someone else like that. It’s awful. It’s wrong.” 

PANIC: Panic watched Attina closely.  Each word that he said he worried it would be something that she couldn’t handle. His life while he never thought was bad was something that could scare her off. In fact Panic was quite surprised she was handling it as well as she was. 

Though when she didn’t fix her cardigan, Panic imagined that she wasn’t handling it as well as she was saying that she was handling it.  

“Maybe one day we can, I can leave him. One day I can make my own form. I dunno. I’m hoping that might be the case. I want to give him that. I want to give us that.” Panic wanted nothing more than those things but he didn’t want to go back either.

ATTINA: Attina’s eyebrows went up a bit at that revelation. She hadn’t known that was possible. Not that that lack of knowledge was a surprise. Attina had never taken any demonology classes, she had never seen any reason to. Now, she was kind of kicking herself, but how could she ever predicted she would not only date, but fall in love, with a demon? 

“You can do that?” she asked, sitting up some. “How?”

She couldn’t help how--hopeful she sounded because...it really sucked, having to share Panic with Percy. To know that no matter how comfortable Percy was with all of it--Panic was still possessing him. There was no getting around that. 

PANIC: Panic couldnt help the laugh that escaped his lips at how excited Tina got. He didn't blame her. He had wished for it too. 

"In theory I could." Panic started because he didnt want to get her Hope's up. He would try and he would keep trying though. " right now I dont have enough power or strength to maintain a form on my own so most likely we would need something that increased that power. Or something that would tether me to Percy without needing to use his body.  That's why I ended up in the hospital. There's this talisman that can control pretty much any demon. If percy got it. In theory he would be able summon me and well control me but I'd be here and using that power. It might be impossible for us to summon me specifically if I was stuck down in the underworld without an advanced sorcerer and I dont really want to trust that to someone I dont know. But that's everything my research led me to."

ATTINA: Attina frowned again when Panic mentioned the hospital. How horrible that had been. Her heart clenched just thinking about him in that hospital bed. Him and--Percy too. She hated seeing the people she loved hurting like that. In any way, really, her heart too soft for things like that. 

Her brow furrowed as she listened and tried to--comprehend. 

It was so out of the realm of everything she knew. She may be a magical creature and live in a magical town, but Attina had always tried to live as normal a life as possible. It was mostly fear that made her do this but--

Why wouldn’t she be afraid? That all sounded so complicated and terrifying. 

She sighed and nodded after a moment.

“I don’t want you to get hurt. You--or Percy, but...it would be nice, wouldn’t it? Us, together, without...all the rest? It’d make so much of this less complicated.”

PANIC: Panic let out a breath of laughter. It would make everything easier, he couldn’t help but imagine the day him and Percy were looking at one another face to face. Or well Percy’s face to Percy’s face or whatever face Panic could mimic. 

It was a nice thought.

“It’s something I want I promise. I just have to figure out how to do it safely. Until then are you willing to have me like this?” Was she willing to love the demon and what it was to be a demon.

ATTINA: A year ago, even a few months ago, Attina would’ve said no. She would’ve been terrified of what it meant--both for Panic to be a demon and for them to be dating. She was still terrified, that hadn’t changed, but something had. Love made her brave. Or at least, more brave than she’d ever felt (she was still more or less a coward). It was much more terrifying to think of living life all alone. Of going through it all without someone by her side. 

Now that she had Panic, nothing would make her want to let him go.

“Of course,” she told him softly, smiling at him. She leaned up and kissed him once and then pulled back. “We got wayyy off track.” She giggled once and shook her head before looking back down at the paper that’d fallen onto the floor. Squinting, she read the next question. 

“If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality, what would it be?”

[larrydoinglaundry]

You are a fantastic author and you do deserve to be in the same space as all those authors you love so much. It is incredibly brave to write something and then share it with the world. All those people who subscribe to the "it needs blah blah blah" to count...are clout chasers. The way i do it is i read the first chapter or few paragraphs of something. If i dont vibe with it i dont finish but i do leave kudos because i appreciate the effort the author put in and it isnt their problem that im not vibing with it. I understand why you feel the way you do. I wrote for big bang a few years ago and i knew my fic wasnt going to compete with the big guns (ps... I love them too) but i wanted my fic out there. I was prepared for the outcome butnit didnt make any less disappointing. Its okay to be disappointed. Just dont stop because of other people. Write for you. Xoxo

I have a few things I want to say about this! I feel like whining again so I'm sorry nonnie that I am dumping this on you!

1. People who judge works based on stats are no true fans of fanfiction I agree. It's a fact. When you see "fic recs" in this fandom, mostly outside of tumblr, it is always the same fics. Great fics but like... Rec something original! Not something 95% of the fandom has read.

2. I am so in awe of the fact that you leave kudos to works you don't even fully read!!! That's so incredibly kind of you and definitely encourages writers to stay.

3. Definitely can relate to you feeling like your fic just can't compete with the rest of the works. I mostly stay out of fic fests, mostly due to schedule reasons, I'm terrible with deadlines, but also because it just feels like... why do I bother? If there are more popular authors participating, their fic post alone would gain the same amount of reblogs in a few hours that I might get in two days. If then. They have credibility and audience, and readers have more faith in them delivering a wonderful story, even when they haven't read it yet. I'm sorry you were left disappointed, I hope it didn't discourage you too much <3

4. I do write for myself. But I still write for others too, and I'm sure everyone is on some level. I have fics for myself only; plots/prompts I don't feel confident enough in and want to get better at for my own joy, kinky shots I don't want to share, and just something for my own comfort. But those fics that I do publish, I want people to see and read them. I hope people get something out of them. I hope they can cry or laugh, resonate with it, or just find comfort from it. Or just get horny from it tbh. When I share something, I am always wishing for some kind interaction.

I have to say the feedback on my fics has been overwhelming for me! I am so beyond amazed that people find joy from what I put out. That motivates me. And I guarantee it motivates every single author, so leave that kudos, leave that nice comment, and make someone's day better <3

You're a trooper, nonnie. Doing the God's work. Thank you for this message.

[simkjrs]

msa asks (chap. 4  & onwards)

masterpost of msa asks that have been piling up, starting from when chapter 4 was published. thanks for your patience everyone...

answered in chronological order (first sent to most recently sent). i might have missed a couple, sorry about that

Anonymous said: IT'S OUT IT'S OUT IT'S OUT IT'S OUT IT'S OUT IT'S OUT IT'S OUT IT'S OUT

Anonymous said: *INCOHERENT SCREECHING AND FLAILING*

ah, the halcyon days of innocence, before everyone finished reading the chapter

Anonymous said: *just finished chp4* uh Yeah about that what the fuck? simk whAT THE HELL DID YOU POUR GUNPOWDER ON YOUR PC? LOAD 14 BULLETS ON EVERY KEY ON YOUR KEYBOARD? SEND KILLER ZAPS TO ANYONE WHO SCROLLS UNTIL THE END OF THE CHAPTER? I WAS SO EXCITED ABT THE UPDATE THAT I COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT U WERE ACTUALLY A MURDERER IN DISGUISE? ANOTHER BEGINNERS MISTAKE, BECAUSE EVERYTHING U WRITE FUCKS ME UP ON EVERY FUCKING LEVEL? SO YEah what i wanted to say is that i love you

to date this is still one of the funniest asks i’ve ever gotten and it’s going in my testimonials

Anonymous said: me @ the new msa chapter:👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

thank you, i do my best

Anonymous said: OH MY GOD! YOU REALLY PUT THE SNAKE FASHION THING!! :DDD :OOO

it was too good to pass up!! if you want to message me w/ ur name or url so i can credit you for inspo/the prompt, feel free :p

Anonymous said: I actually thought in the middle of the chapter that temple-dog would help Izuku escape so he would get captured by the other side of the coin and now i'm just crying

fjdlfkjsldf im sorry im like this. i do this 

Anonymous said: in just a few hours the comments went from 5 to flipping 23 25

yeah im very lucky to have so many people follow & support my writing!! im grateful to everyone who comments.

Anonymous said: I wonder how being sick works for MSA Izuku. In that odd state of not being as aware as usual and your mind being foggy, would he hear that star song easier or any other odd spirit shenanigans?

he’d just be kind of out of it and more susceptible to... things 

Anonymous said: SCREAMS?? I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH AND THIS CHAPTER WAS ABSOLUTELY STELLAR, THANK YOU FOR IMMEDIATELY BRIGHTENING MY NIGHT! I HOPE YOU HAVE A FANTASTIC TIME!!

ahh im really glad you enjoyed chapter four that much!! thank you!!!

Anonymous said: IM HOLLERIN THE NEW CHAPTER WAS SO GOOD WTF??

fjldkfsldf thank you.... 

Anonymous said: When I first commented on Ao3 I felt like looking at the other comments and I noticed all of them (at the time) had a line along the lines of "he needs a break" so I ended up imagining him just sunbathing on some tropical beach (read deserted island) sipping coconut Juice and sighing happily with noone to bother him.

that would be ideal. i think izuku also would not know what to do with himself

Anonymous said: MSA Izuku ch.4 summary: Kirishima: Hey are you ok? Izuku, literally on fire: Why, what's wrong?

GHFLKDFJLSDF IM LAUGHING!!! YOURE NOT WRONG

Anonymous said: I just finished msa ch4 and im?? Its 0 dark 00 and I have a 7 hour shift later Toda but I had to put it down and gnash my teeth over how GORGEOUS and HEARTBREAKING this chapter was before picking it up and finishing it. God im so stoked that it came out. Alright my pal, I hope you have a good time period of indeterminate length; take care of yourself yo!!

thank you im so glad you enjoyed it!! and i hope things have been good for you!

Anonymous said: ffuuuUUUUCK THAT TEMPLE-DOG YO WHAT AN AWFUL ICKY THING TO DO

correct, although in its defense, if izuku had just been another spirit, their connection would not have had that kind of effect 

Anonymous said: Uh, sorry if this bothering you, this has something to do with Msa Izuku, but not the new chapter (love it BTW, poor Izuku got captured by Overhaul. The cat is a new bar.).So, I would like to ask, just for fun, what would Izuku sees if he meets C/astiel face to face and how would the spirits react?

i think my worldbuilding and spn worldbuilding would conflict in so many terrible ways, but... izuku would prob be able to see c/astiel’s wings and true form? only for a bit before his eyes started getting itchy, and then started bleeding... dont think the spirits would like angels very much. spirits are a very prideful and arrogant bunch who don’t like to be intruded upon or interfered with

Anonymous said: who is Senshajou other than an amazing creature which I love already

senshajou is plato’s ideal cat. they are not exactly a spirit. they just are

Anonymous said: I'm suuuper curious about what the One for All spirit looks like in MSA, because my first thought is that it'd have to be this massive chimeric mutant due to the nature of it's creation and the fact it's been bonded to eight separate people.

coming back and reading this is incredibly funny because like. yeah. ofa is a chimera. not quite for the reasons you think, but yeah

Anonymous said: You know what I'm thinking right now? What of kiri and deku met in public after The Arrest™. The sheer chaos it would bring. The Confusion ™. I'm sure deku would just take one look at kiri and just. Book it. Also ch4 helped inspire me in my endavour to write about my etheral starlight dragon god for a original story i've been thinking up. You're really good at describing creatures beyond Imagination, you know.

you have correctly predicted this scenario. 

also im glad ch4 was able to help you in your writing endeavors!! best of luck!!

Anonymous said: whenever i read msa i always picture izuku wearing like, some kind of grey cloak, with the hood always up and shadowing his eyes no matter the context/location/surrounding temperature. It doesn't make any sense given the general fashion in bnha but I can't help it- msa!izuku is a cloak kinda guy imo

you’re right but msa izuku would also hate the attention that would come with wearing a cloak. he is definitely a hood-up kind of guy

Anonymous said: msa au in which Deku escapes the villain alliance, breaks into Kirishima's home, and just, fucking collapses on the couch. Kirishima gets up the next morning to see the fucking cryptid he'd hunted for days just, sleeping on his couch like a giant cat. What the fuck. What the fuck.

hold that thought

Anonymous said: So I'm reading ch 4 and listening to "I appear missing" by queens of the stone age and it works ridiculously well ngl (also like gd this chapter is so good the hype is real👍👍)

thank you!! this is a p cool song

Anonymous said: In MSA does everyone have a spirit? Have people always had spirits? Do you know how quirks started? Do even quirkless people have spirits? Why don't they have quirks? Could Izuku open their channel, or is the quirk canceling bullets different from quirkless people? So many questions!

most everyone has a spirit but not everyone, people have not always had guardian spirits, i do know how quirks started, quirkless people have spirits, they don’t have quirks because their bodies have not adapted to channel their spirit’s energy adequately, and izuku can try something with unlocking quirks, but it depends on what there is to work with already. quirk cancelling bullets rewind the bond between spirit and human but they don’t erase the adaptations to the body. quirkless people dont have that adaptation in the first place... hope that makes sense 

Anonymous said: dunno if this's been mentioned/acknowledged or asked about before, but wheres izuku's guardian spirit?

he ain’t got one. but why... 

Anonymous said: CHOO CHOO IT'S THE UNRESOLVED EMOTIONAL ISSUES TRAIN COMING IN AT 242379 MILES AN HOUR THERE ARE NO STOPS THERE ARE NO BRAKES WE DIE LIKE MEN ON THE HELL EXPRESS ~bakugous spirit

this is a joke but actually, yes. actually, this is very applicable to msa izuku himself, and so many characters i write, actually. this is an icnredibly funny ask and i love the phrases you use  and i would not be surprised if i subconsciously absorb this phrase and accidentally use it in the future. thank you for this

Anonymous said: question: if msa izuku and kirishima were in a dangerous situation and izuku almost got hurt very badly/died but he managed to escape. BUT kirishima didnt see him escape and didnt know he was okay. how would kirishima react

in typical kirishima fashion he would be very worried about izuku and would probably try to figure out a way to rescue him

Anonymous said: im ppl have been talkig abt izu's guardian spirit lately, but wht abt allm's? i like to imagine that when shimura died, she became toshi's guardian spirit

shes not allm’s guardian spirit but shes Around

Anonymous said: ok but the part where msa izuku says release it rly reminded me of cardcaptor sakura just sayin

never watched cardcaptor sakura but thats p cool 

Anonymous said: I'd like to think if MSA. Izu/ku got hit with a quirk erasing bullet it wouldn't kill him, just like knock him out for a good day or so until he wakes back up through spite and the universe just hating him and being like "man thanks for the nap gun guys gotta get me one of those"

Anonymous said: I had a dream that msa!izu/ku was standing in his cell and staring at a nearby guard and the guard is wondering wtf why is he staring like that but actually he was just really tired and fell asleep. Standing up. W/eyes open.

HEY THIS IS INCREDIBLE AND INCREDIBLY FUNNY AND IF SOMEONE WROTE A SNIPPET WITH IZUKU DOING THIS I WOULD ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE IT

Anonymous said: I'm sorry but I have to tell you “Would you like to sit?” “No.” is the funniest interaction I have ever experienced in my life I woke up my grandmother at 3 am cause I was laughing so hard and she's doesn't even live on the same floor as me

im so glad that izuku being a bullheaded and troubled teenager can bring some amusement and laughter to your day

Anonymous said: i guess you could say that in the lastest chapter, msa izuku is kicking ass... /and taking names/ BA DUM TSHHHHHHH

HGJDFKJSDLGSDF IM LAUGHING!!!! STOP THIS

Anonymous said: In the MSA verse when someone doesn't like their quirk for example like your OC Mitoki and they don't use their quirk how does that affect their spirit?

doesn’t really affect their spirit except like, psychologically or emotionally, because they would Like for their charge to be able to use their powers in order to defend themselves, but their charge Is Not

Anonymous said: What would Mitoki think of MSA Izuku?

msa izuku: says Anything msa izuku: pulls Those Stunts msa izuku: does stuff of gray legality without bothering to explain himself, ever msa izuku: also is grudgingly a good person mitoki: this guy is hilarious and a fucking RIOT, i have to adopt him immediately

Anonymous said: i imagine after hearing the music of the universe msa izuku doesn't like human music anymore, huh?

i think he isn’t very fond of any music that reminds him of that experience, and how he nearly lost sight of his sense of self. normal, mundane music with absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is probably a relief

Anonymous said: Just wanted to drop in and say that I really love MSA!!! It's a super refreshing read, and I LOVE how you write everyone. I'm so hooked, you have no idea. Thank you so much for all the work you put into it!!

thank you for dropping in and letting me know!! i love feedback like this, makes me happy to keep writing and sharing stuff. i hope you enjoy the next chapter!

Anonymous said: someone: *gives izuku positive attention* izuku: you come into MY HOUSE

yeah that’s pretty much exactly it

Anonymous said: This might be a little weird and specific, but how would MSA Izuku react to someone who does similar stuff to him? Meaning, constantly does weird eldritch shit while sassing away any attempts to figure it out. And also assuming that they keep crossing paths no matter how either party feels about it.

probably kind of uncomfortable, but if this person is reacting to said eldritch stuff the way msa izuku reacts to spirit stuff, i think he’d just recognize this person as someone else who’s going through a lot of stuff and just wants to be left alone, and then msa izuku would proceed to leave them alone. maybe quietly give them a coffee if they look like they need it, then leave.

if this person was enjoying eldritch stuff, i think msa izuku would be kind of envious of them, and resentful, because hey, this person gets a way better deal than me in terms of eldritch mysteries, why do i get stuck with all the bad stuff? 

either way i don’t think msa izuku would spend a lot of time with them, he has a lot of his own stuff to deal with.

Anonymous said: Holy hell. Did Izuku, like, frickin ABSORB afo or some shit??

Anonymous said: Did izu/ku discover afo's spirit's name? And then proceed to destroy afo

Anonymous said: If I was Aizawa, or any other clever member of the hero crew, my assumption would probably be that Izuku is the product of a quirk that makes physical manifestations of other people's quirks. The person with said quirk probably used it on themselves, thus Izuku. It would reasonably explain why he's so dodgy about his identity, can fix/alter quirks, talks strangely to nothing, and is so effected by the eraser quirk. (It's fun manufacturing wrong but reasonable theories!)

oh thats a really interesting theory!! hmm yeah... it could work, but if i was aizawa i would wonder why izuku didn’t just disappear if he was just a temporary manifestation of a quirk. i’ll deffo consider this though and if it proves useful to the story i hope you won’t mind if i use it? 

thank you for writing in!

Anonymous said: Goodness, I love your work. A part of me silently lives for the day when MSA!Izu and All Might spend time together and AM's just?? Immune to all of Izu's snark, while still being such a dad. Like "Deku my boy, where's the hoodie I gave you? It's getting cold out."/"Based on the trajectory of the moon and sun, in a garbage bin somewhere."/"Oh! Well it *was* my old highschool hoodie. It was probably getting too old to wear anyway"/*Cue frustrated-mortified screams of the little cryptid child*

frankly i don’t think msa izuku would be able to handle someone knowing About Him and genuinely looking after him at the same time, he’s only ever had one or the other at a time, if all might did this msa izuku would short circuit and have a minor crisis because he doesn’t know how to accept affection from someone who accepts him for who he is. this thought hurts me and i regret thinking about this. really good ask, thanks for sending it in

Anonymous said: Your fic ‘know what i’ve made by the marks on my hands’ is a power move in of itself.

fndlfksldkf THANKS, im putting this in my testimonials

Anonymous said: Ever since the beggining of MSA I can't get rid of a certain though. Bakugou's Quirk something horibly adorable and comepletely enamored with Izuku. Like, the moment it sees him, it just jumps at him with hugs and kisses, possibly some purrs. Izuku avoiding the duo because he's so done and tired of the vilent love and explosive heatred mixture.

izuku hates it because both of them are giving him some form of attention and he just wants them to forget about him and be done with it

Anonymous said: Idk whether this was asked but how do names come across in the second intonation?? Like if izuku was saying senshajou (?) would the name come out in japanese or does the second intonation have a way of saying names without actually saying them? Basically would listening in on their conversation reveal a bunch of static and then just "carwash" in the middle of the sentence??

intonations aren’t a new language, just a manner of speaking, where the fourth intonation takes the most energy and the first intonation (normal speech) takes the least. effectively, izuku and all the spirits are speaking japanese, but the intonation they speak in will take their words to a different energy level. if that makes sense. so, no, ‘carwash’ would not show up in the middle of a sentence

Anonymous said: SIMK IM CHOKING!!!!!! YOUR ART LEFT ME SPEECHLESS ITS SO GOOOOD!!!!

thank you so much!!! this is very flattering, and makes me very happy as well

Anonymous said: Hey have you ever played OFF?? Idk the first pic you drew for MSA rly reminds me of it

i have not! but i love the art i’ve seen for it

Anonymous said: so are the guardian spirits in msa bound to their humans in a distance sense? like can they just wander off to somewhere far away from their human or would they hit a boundary somewhere?

yes, spirits are basically bound by proximity! they can leave their charges behind and go gallivanting to another continent but it’s Not A Good Idea for a few reasons and becomes very unpractical. they can travel pretty far from their charges if the necessity arises, though.

Anonymous said: there is a lot of things i could say about your my spirit academia art but the first thing that i thought of was "wow izuku looks good with nail polish"

fjdlkfjsldf

everyone looks great with nail polish!

Anonymous said: msa!izuku's flirting: you're slightly less terrible than everything else happening in this situation right now

izuku says this stiffly and without looking at the other person because expressing emotion and vulnerability is difficult for him

Anonymous said: Honestly msa!izuku is the most relatable au Izuku. I too wish I could just fade from everyone’s collective knowledge and become the local ghost story middle schoolers dare each other to test. *izuku gets ding-dong-ditched but only because local children are too terrified to stay to see the beast that lives in that apartment*

Wait what does Izuku do for halloween anyways?

i accidentally deleted the second half of your question so that’s just a paraphrase sorry!! but yeah, i’ve infused msa izuku with some of my more cryptid-longing tendencies, i find it hilarious that this has carried through. i love the proposed scenario. it’s incredibly funny and absolutely something that would happen to izuku 

i dont think halloween is very widely celebrated in japan? but if it was, izuku would probably just shut himself in his room for the night because he doesn’t want to deal with any aspect of the holiday

Anonymous said: heya!! i just read your msa fic and i absolutely adore it! the whole idea is just awesome in the every sense of the word and ive found myself already completely immersed in it! your writing of izu/ku is very relatable for me and it only makes me love the fic more?? ahh im just head over heels for it!!!!

ahhh im really glad to hear that!!! i hope you continue to enjoy future chapters, as we explore more of izuku’s character, and possibly, his past :^)

Anonymous said: u have probs already gotten this question before, but was msa izuku (or his soul) merged with his guardian spirit at birth? Cause izuku basically says that something went terribly wrong at his birth... so I'm thinking he somehow merged with his spirit????

something like that! there was spirit fuckery involved.

Anonymous said: I cant help but think prototype!izu/ku's hair would match msa izu/ku v well

im laughing because ive actually drawn msa izuku with a hairstyle DISTRESSINGLY similar to prototype izuku’s hair. msa izuku has got that unhappy, emo vibe about him that just naturally attracts the kinds of vibes that prototype izuku’s hair gives off

Anonymous said: is izu/ku's guardian spirit like nessie or bigfoot or something? cause i swear to fuck he's such a cryptid omg

HRNGLDFLKSDF IM LAUGHING

nah, izuku doesn’t have a guardian spirit. only... himself

Anonymous said: Did All Might give Mirio One For All in MSA?

no idea, haven’t thought about it, won’t figure it out until i actually need to address it

Anonymous said: I just wanna say that I love msa and kirishima is trying

kirishima *is* trying and we are all loving and supporting him for the amazing work he does

Anonymous said: Say, would Shinsou’s quirk work on MSA!Izuku?

you will find that out in, sports festival msa au, wherein msa izuku accidentally takes his canon counterpart’s place right after he’s finished the obstacle course event in the sports festival. i need to get through the end of the sports festival before im satisfied with publishing it... but i’ve finished the shinsou fight. so! you’ll see :p

Anonymous said: Hey I sent you an ask a while ago but idk if you saw it or not, but I just wanted to say that I really liked your latest chapter of msa! The music that you described in the chapter was really amazing and it made me think of this song called “the heaven’s flock” sang by the Texas all state choir. Obviously it won’t be anything close to the ethereal other-worldly music that you describe in the chapter, but it’s what came to mind while I was reading it. You can find it on YouTube, hope you like it!

hey im super glad!! i spent a lot of time editing those paragraphs for Maximum Spiritness, it’s always gratifying to know someone enjoyed them. and yes, i checked out the song on youtube, and it’s pretty cool! choral pieces usually don’t interest me a lot but this one was fun. thanks for telling me about it!

Anonymous said: i just found your ff and I love them! Tired(tm) Midoriya is great and I love him.

thank you!! izuku who is tired of this bullshit and calls it out when he sees it is definitely very fun. 

Anonymous said: where is msa!izuku's physique in comparison to the cannon timeline? is he closer to how he was at the very start of series, or while he was training with All Might before he got One for All?

he’s pretty lean and wiry with plenty of stamina, so i’d say he’s about on par with canon izuku after training with all might pre-yuuei. he probably doesn’t have as much raw strength but i think he has more stamina

Anonymous said: Msa izu/ku escapes from the Precepts' clutches and starts booking it around the tunnels and just. Stumbles upon Eri. Stops and takes the time to fuckin wrangle her spirit to stop it from unexisting him and just books it with her "I'm taking her now bye"

this is hilariously close

Anonymous said: you used a lyric from meet me in the woods for the 4th chapter of msa and god thinking about it that song fits the au?? at least as much as i've seen about it.

thank you!! and yeah, i’ve actually got that song on my msa playlist. specifically, my msa kiri/deku playlist, because it fits so well. [sips that heart hurting juice] im happy someone caught the reference!

Anonymous said: just read the quote from Morrison 'she utilised violence in a purely feminine way' by chucking hot pokers at people and all I can think of is msa!izu/ku being so done with everything and being violent 'in a purely deadpan way', chucking his collection of spray paint cans/ art supplies/ occasional chair at the spirits because he's just so done and LET HIM SLEEP OR AT LEAST TURN UP WITH COFFEE GODDAMIT.

you are not, wrong 

thats what his scripts are for!

Anonymous said: Msa! Izu/ku's laugh sounding like a dead rustling/ raspy monotone that is simultaneously eerie and extremely concerning to the point you want to wrap him in marshmallows.

msa izuku’s laugh sounds very, very tired, which is arguably the same thing

@iamlikecain​ said: Hi ! I juste wanted to say that I love your fic My spirit academia and sassy Izuku is what I now live for. Btw, he doesn’t deserve to suffer omg that poor baby and uuugg I hope he’ll be happy ;—-;

haha thank you!! i’m glad you like msa izuku’s shenanigans!! and yeah. he really doesn’t deserve any of this. things will, hopefully, look up for him soon! i am not setting out to write a pessimistic story, eventually things will get better

Anonymous said: Your my hero academia spirit AU is super frigging interesting??? Im dying to read more :DDD

thank you! im super glad you enjoyed it

Anonymous said: What are your favorite msu!izuku headcannons?

just the fact of him existing in this unrestrained, unintentionally chaotic state of being wherein he does what he needs to and may even do what you want him to, but in a way that makes him and you and everyone else involved feel like you’re all just a bunch of clowns. heres a couple more facts about him though

his goal in life is to become a famous reclusive calligrapher who has retired to the isolated countryside to do calligraphy, where no one can bother him

secretly still really passionate about heroics but kind of embarrassed about it so if you find out or bring it up he WILL try to kill you

messy and not very good at cooking, but doing his best

knows some kind of weird trivia that you wouldn’t really expect

Anonymous said: b r u h what would inko's quirk spirit creature look like?? soft and playful and curious about all sorts of smol trinkets/objects??? would they be combative w izuku too??? ;-; or reach some sort of grudging acceptance of their presence??? smol green abomination belongs to my beloved human, so no fighting little abomination

honestly i haven’t given a lot of thought to inko’s guardian spirit, other than that it’s probably pretty small and not one of the most powerful spirits out there. it’s kind of distant from izuku, bc izuku makes it uneasy, but it cares about izuku in its own way. 

[problematic-truth]

My abuser is famous on the internet.

My abuser is famous on the internet.

abuserəˈbjuːzə/

noun

1.a person who treats another person or animal with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.

I feel as though I should start this off with an understanding of the dictionary definition of abuser. There are claims being thrown around by people who most definitely do not know this person as well as I that there's no way possible this person is an "abuser" my lived experience begs to differ.

I will hear on out refer to Anna as Cassidy as she's not Anna anymore.

Cassidy & I were best friends immediately from the start for the past 10+ years.

If you are one of her few long term friends even though I post this anonymously you will know exactly who I am.

Eventually I moved to England and Cassidy followed trying to rid herself of her heroin addiction and for the both of us to start fresh.

We moved into a small one bedroom apartment and soon after our friendship blossomed into a "intimate" relationship.

About 4 months into living together a mutual friend of ours had a birthday which we went to and partied extremely hard. I was incredibly drunk & on our walk to the bus two males approached us and started harassing us.

Upon getting to our bus stop they continued to follow us and became extremely touchy and eventually boarded the bus with us.

Like I said, I was very drunk but this was during the time that Cassidy would carry around a hand held video camera so I was able to later watch a few clips from that night. On the bus I started to feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation, to the point where when our stop came I jumped off first thing.. But yet there was no Cassidy behind me.

As I stumbled back to the apartment I realized she was the only one with a key, so I knocked on our neighbors door to sit and wait for her return.

Upon hearing her enter the building I realized she had these same two men with her, I quickly followed them into our apartment where she explained they were just gonna come smoke some weed with her. I said goodnight and got into bed where I proceeded to message my boyfriend on my mac book and vomit all over myself.

I passed out after that only to awake and see Cassidy in our room standing over the bed, The next time I awoke I felt a dick between my legs and my arms being held behind my back. I was being raped. With my body and hair covered in my vomit and the room spinning I was defenseless. I was also on my period which made it incredibly easy to penetrate me. I shut my eyes and waited for them to finish. I couldn't believe it nor could I see exactly which one of the men it was who had just violated me. I heard the water running in the bathroom and as I reached for my laptop I felt nothing. I soon realized not only had I been raped but I had been robbed as well. I got out of bed and stumbled to the living room looking for Cassidy, whom it turns out was asleep on the couch. Meanwhile one of the men was sitting on the other couch with his head in his hands saying nothing.

I shook Cassidy up and immediately said "I've just been raped and robbed."

Her response was like she couldn't care less. She went back to sleep.

I threw her phone at the guy on the couch and demanded he call his friend and get him to bring me back my shit. I couldn't believe it, not only had I been violated but my own best friend who had been sexually assaulted in the past herself couldn't give a fuck. I ran down the hallway and banged on the neighbor's door who I had been at previously and she took me in. I could hear the guy leave my apartment. My neighbor wrapped me up in a robe and put me in her bed while she called the police. Once they showed up it was probably another hour or so before Cassidy actually showed up asking what had happened.

The next couple of days were a blur, a combination of police interviews and hospital rape kits. HIV vaccines and video statements. All while Cassidy held a cold demeanor.

She was upset as the guy on the couch had stolen her phone.

She was upset because I had to keep asking her to use her laptop as it was the only way I could contact my family and friends back at home.

I felt alone, I called suicide hotlines just to talk to anyone,

The few friends I had made during the short time I had lived here heard all about it and barely knew me.

The fact was that I had been best friends with this person for years and

she could barely talk to me about it.

She told me to read the book the lovely bones which is about a young girl who gets raped and murdered.

My mom flew out. I wanted to kill myself.

Two months later during an argument about money,

She told me to ask my grandparents (who were the only relatively wealthy people in my family) for money. My rebuttal was that I couldn't just ask for money like that and I hadn't won a bunch of money in a court settlement like she had.

She said "well I was raped"

I said "I was too, and you didn't give a fuck." She moved out after that day.

The police officer who eventually came to explain the rape kit couldn't tell them much as my period blood had lubricated me and I showed no sign of forced entry.

She told me I was better off not being friends with Cassidy.

I moved on, moved out and made new friends. Cassidy & I didn't talk for a couple months. We eventually left things amicable.

Cut to three/four years later Cassidy explains she wants to move back to the UK.

My wounds having healed somewhat from the last experience with her I invited her back to live with me for as long as she needed.

I had cultivated a very close girlfriend group and introduced her to everyone upon her arrival. It was nice to have her back and she explained how she had been escorting while back at home.

The next few months / years were great. It was awesome having my friend back and she got along fantastic with everyone although a few people commented that she typically talked about herself everyone seemed to really like her.

Eventually I left my Job of 4 years and needed a change of scenery,

Cassidy and another girlfriend of mine had decided to move in together..

everything seemed great even though I had chose to move on and out by relocating to the south of England

We had a group chat where we all kept in touch.I had left a bunch of suitcases of clothes and house items at her flat so I could eventually come back and get them.

It was my birthday and Cassidy came to visit. I was extremely lonely in my new place so I had started seeing someone and when Cassidy came to visit I was unattentive which she later explained hurt her feelings. I completely understood and apologized as who wants a friend to put forward effort and then feel burned about it! I certainly didnt.

Birthday beef having been squashed

I came back to Cassidys to retrieve my stuff.

She had sent me a picture of her wearing a dress that one of my friends had gifted me and explained she was going through my stuff to "help clean it"

We drove back to get some of the suitcases and my cat and Cassidy was extremely rude and obnoxious the whole time I was there. It hurt my heart and I could feel my friend slipping away again.

Eventually I met my now husband and couldn't be more excited.

My conversation in the group chat at the time was mainly gushing about how I couldn't believe I snagged the man of my dreams and most of my friends were extremely happy for me.

This leads up to one of the final times I saw Cassidy as we attended a gig in London. She had seemed distant and even more so self absorbed talking about herself to the point where I had mentioned it to my other friends at the gig.

They agreed.Later I invited my husband and his friend to the flat we were staying at as he wanted to smoke everyone out and have a lil party with us.

Everyone including Cassidy seemed to be enjoying themselves hitting dabs and drinking til the early morning.

The next day while looking for the wifi code I found a couple pairs of my lingerie in the drawers. I didn't mention it but we all went out and everything seemed ok.

After that day it was definitely obvious that Cassidy and my friend living with her were distancing themselves. I couldn't understand why until Cassidy had flown back to America and sent me another picture of her in some clothes of mine with the caption "look what I found in my suitcase" (um what?)

This is where I finally questioned her, How did this stuff just end up in your suitcase?! Why were you being so distant?!

She went off on me of course..she has a pattern of saying the same things and acting as a victim any time someone calls her out.

We called our friendship off for the second time and again I felt a weight lifted.

But she wasn't done with her manipulation.. living in the same area as the friends I had introduced her to she used them as fodder.

Taking girl gang pictures with captions like "so glad we have a positive girl vibe in our group finally" "love my girls" basically bullying me and using my own best friends. A couple of them caught this.. and realized what she was trying to do.

I lost the friend who lived with her due to her manipulating her and giving her a "choose one" ultimatum. The other girls soon realized and kept their distance from her. Cassidy would post things online aimed at me saying I should kill myself becauseI called my boyfriend my husband.. and then comment on other people's instagrams being overly friendly in my direction (she loves to manipulate)

When I contacted two of the girls about this whole fiasco that's going on now..

they both knew who I was because Cassidy still can't seem to keep my name out of her mouth and stop talking shit on me, Which for the life of me I can't understand as she tells my other friend's she would like to get in touch with me. So which one is it Cassidy?

As for the No AA comments this is totally true, She has said in the past to me she doesn't see Asian or Black men due to the fact that they can be violent and hard to handle clients.

As for her apologyShe doesn't give a fuck about any of it only the fact that it could potentially hurt her instagram follower count.

You may call me an opportunist for coming out with this all now but the fact is I didn't have a voice before.

I had mentioned to someone about what I had dealt with and felt almost as though I was unbelieved because of her "notoriety" that It just sounded like I was talking shit and was jealous of how many followers she had.

But the fact of the matter is I was bullied, I was abused, I was ignored, and most importantly I was put in an extremely dangerous situation because of this girl's ignorance.

There are other incidents I had with this person that I just don't have the time to explain either.. but this is a summary.

And I hope the words I say here are tales of caution to anyone else who wants to be friends with her. I hope you don't have to learn the hard way like I did.

*** shared by cassidys ex girlfriend****

[procrastidating]

im obsessed w myself

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

I keep my cereal dry and have a glass of milk w it maybe? I eat cereal with my hands like a 2 y/o so

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Hell yeah sign me the fuck UP.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

Usually papers or sticky notes and paper clips but I don't clip the page bc thats cruel and unusual

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

I take tea black and like maybe cream if I'm feeling it. Sugar always ruins it for me

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

Not really? Sometimes if I'm getting teeth brushing compulsions but those are less and I laugh too much to hide my smile anyway

6: do you keep plants?

Absolutely I have a spider plant and a succulent

7: do you name your plants?

Laura and Levi ride or die motherfuckers

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

Sometimes writing songs/poems, and I used to make a clay sculptures when that was my shit but I don't like to talk about those or show them to people.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

Hell yeah or lip syncing aggressively and dancing so I don't bug people on my hall

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

My stomach, occasionally back or side. Sometimes standing up.

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?

That I'm a triplet with two of my friends who are actually twins! Many more but too complicated to explain

12: what's your favorite planet?

Used to be Neptune but I had to research Uranus once and it fucking sucks that it's always a punchline because it's hella cool and rotates on it's side like it's lying down and I RELATE

13: what's something that made you smile today?

the ducks on my morning walk :)

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

Probably cozy but clean and they'd make it hipster and fashionable and I just want a nice bed and shower

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

URANUS ROTATES ON ITS SIDE AND DESERVES RESPECT U FUCKS

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?

penne pasta with anything and everything

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

Terrifying. No. As a joke? Black.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

I walked off the edge of a skate half pipe in like 8th grade and I can't escape the ridicule.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

Since like 2006 I've recorded everything. I write what happens and songs and poems and doodles of events that happened instead of describing them sometimes.

20: what's your favorite eye color?

Why the fuck would I have a favorite eye color. Color is the least interesting thing about someone's eyes

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

My blue bag is just big enough to fit a journal, sunglasses, pain meds, and water which is my survival kit and it constantly saves my life.

22: are you a morning person?

I'm an extreme morning person to an embarrassing degree

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

I LOVE TO DO NOTHING. eat and walk around and then put three dogs on my lap and never move again

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO. Last time I had told one person almost every secret about me but they were on a plane to see their priest before I even finished so like fuck that not worth it byeee :))))

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?

An old meeting hall and hung out in it in the middle of the night I guess? Lots of trespassing mostly

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

Crocs. Also f this question?

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?

Never had gum so bite me

28: sunrise or sunset?

Sunrise.

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

INVOLUNTARY GIGGLES. Best people

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

yes.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

Love my socks like good pals and I'd never sleep with out em!

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

Those are stories just for us.

33: what's your fave pastry?

I'm NE trash and it's donuts

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

My sock monkey jocko, MVP of my goddamn life. 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

I have nice pens and nice stationary and I use it frequently but I don't have a variety of them. Just what I like.

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?

Elvis. Dance and ballads always

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

Clean but the chaos that sometimes happens let's me make note of my mental state with external indicators

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

Just don't be mean to people you think are less smart than you. That's. Bullshit. Everyone knows something you don't.

39: what color do you wear the most?

Dark blue

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

My watch. I like to know the fucking time.

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?

Glass castle lived to the hype

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

I was trying to look up the name of my favorite shop in a’dam it was literal perfection and they had the best nachos and deff didnt sell coffee.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

I know its happened more recently than this but I was just reminded of when I watched shooting stars last august on the last night of camp and that was a beautiful night. human connection is the best dude.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

Summer camp night :) because the last time before that was like age 10 so no fucking wonder im going back

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

hell yeah I’m so fucking smart. But if I have migraine brain my good instincts leave me

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

meat puns are a rare medium well done!

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

none? food thats like also literal poison maybe? if you dont like a food dont eat it man I’m chill.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

~thunder~ has carried over for sure but I was a pretty fearless kid and now a very fearful 20 something

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

COMPILATION CDS ARE MY SHIT! Like obscure dance music from the 00s and 90s, I recently bought 3 of those.

50: what's an odd thing you collect?

white rocks

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

this is so fucking obscure. I think of my dad and  pedal your blues away. 

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

the make a playlist one is making me laugh right now

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

I’ve seen em all and theyre all good! I can see why they all have cult followings although im not cult-y about any of them sry

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

ouch. no comment.

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?

I declared myself queen of the school to demonstrate how dumb I thought class elections were.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

people that say your name/call you by a nickname! people that laugh at my jokes! people that like me! Its not very hard for me to become obsessed w you

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

no time for that and also im not in 10th grade anymore

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

I’m starting to get bored of these Qs

59: what's your favorite myth?

Abi Yo Yo. Is that a myth? do i give a fuck?

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

I like shel silverstein and everything else can go FUCK ITSSELF. also john donne and rumi etc etc leave me alone

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?

All my gift are kinda dumb and once lya gave me a rock and it was the tits

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

im allergic to that SHIT

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

im not meticulous about anything. main life flaw

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

hella grey. i love it.

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?

Sean :( hopefully this summer!

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

what the FUCK. but also white daises bc theyre my fave flower okay leave me alone.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

I go on walk and splash in puddles and stay outside as long as I can and then read and sleep!

68: what's winter like where you live?

endless and fantastic when the skiing is good

69: what are your favorite board games?

trouble

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

yeah but like also prob inaccurately 

71: what's your favorite kind of tea?

english breakfast cuz im classy 

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?

yup

73: what are some of your worst habits?

migraines, talking myself out of things

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

they are wild and loud but secretly so intelligent and thoughtful. They finally figured out thier haircut and I miss them everyday I’m without them because they are my home and my safety and sometimes I feel useless without them to anchor me.

75: tell us about your pets!

Ceilidh - sweet baby angel with too much strength and visits the neighbors and would kill anyone who tried to hurt me

Uma - cuddley as fuck but is not attached to anyone or anything and might run away and join the circus except her anxiety is off the fucking charts and she needs to protected

Wykeham - literal idiot with bad hearing and eyesight and shouldnt even be alive but he just wants to drink water and sleep all day preferably on your chest and he is so dumb though he also needs to be protected at all costs cause idk how he made it this far.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?

so much

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

IM ALLERGIC TO THAT SHIT

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

I prefer indifference and non affiliation

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

light up a golf course at night to dance with me after a FIRST DATE. next level

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

after The Wallpaper i fought and painted them Canary Yellow which is bright as fuck and helps separate myself from the subdued Hell House outside the door

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

if the water in your sink was suddenly beautiful

82: are/were you good in school?

does it even matter if i am or was

83: what's some of your favorite album art?

idk but i really like join us by TMBG

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

unsure

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

no sorry

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

eh

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

harold and maude, TLM 2

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

COBRA

89: are you close to your parents?

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

Amsterdam is perfect and so is the netherlands and I love it there and I miss it.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

This year is just within US, MN, Chi, and Portland. Maybe sweden this winter.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

im on this earth for cheese

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?

uh none? short hair? shit whats a hairstyle?

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

Madeline!

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

Im SMing a show~

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

who has the time

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

INFJ, Aries, and i dont remember... it was gryffindor or hufflepuff

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

this morning. its my shit

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

unchained melody elvis version

honest truth typhoon

common sentiments typhoon

say you love me

comeback kid

so many more but i just wanna finish this

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

the future for SURE 5 years ago was shit thats why. even if the future is worse it still dont want to relive dating andy

[katysthoughts]

its been a while since i posted on here i think. and quite a bit has happened. the day after i last posted (friday) i didnt go into school because moving was too painful and i was physically EXHAUSTED. i argued with my mum a lot that morning too and what she said still hasnt been removed from my memory. i wont go into detail but she as good as called me selfish and said that i dont want to get better because i dont make the effort. i dont really know what to say about that. but basically, i slept the ENTIRE day and it made me feel a bit better over all. i also finished your lie in april that night and wow i cried. over that weekend i watched an entire kdrama (16 episodes) and went through a whole wave of emotions. it was great though, 10/10 would recommend weightlifting fairy kim bok joo. monday hurt like a bitch and i basically had to care for a girl with alcohol poisoning when i could barely move my own limbs so that was fun. 👨‍👦 has gone back to practically bullying me even though he stopped for a few days. now if anything he has gotten worse with the constant asian jokes (which piss me the fuck off. he makes it out like i have a fucking asian fetish when no, i enjoy south east asian entertainment. thats all. i dont say "ill only date asian guys/girls" or "asia is the best" bla bla bla. i listen to kpop, watch kdrama and watch anime. is that a fucking crime? i was bullied all though primary school, and to this very day im hated on for my own interests that literally have nothing to do with other people. apparently its a crime to like things. and GOD FORBID i ever find somethign that ACTUALLY makes me happy. because whenever i do (kdrama/pop and anime) i get bullied the shit out of and made to feel like its a crime until im too scared to fucking like anything) that bracket was long im sorry. i had an art trip on wednesday which was shit, apart from the fact i spent the entire day with ☀️ and i feel like i got a lot closer to her than normal, and we were both really relaxed where as things seem to be forced and awkward in school. we really clicked and idk... she really seemed like a best friend then. like, really. and thursday 👨‍👦's shitty jokes got worse to the point i nearly fuckign cried and i remember the exact one thta did it. i was sat in the corner in the practice room, and 👨‍👦 was saying something about being depressed and shit. then he said something along the lines of (context: was previously talking about self harm)"... youll make me do what katy does" *me and 🐋 instantly snap our heads towards each other* "sit in the corner and listen to asian music" *me and zoe half sigh* "which is way more depressing than self harming" i. nearly. cried. i instantly pulled my shirt into my hand and started fiddling and jfc tried not to cry. like. why the FUCK???? would??? you??? say??? that??? especially about someone you knew has anxiety, depression and wants to kill herself. and he isnt even nearly close enough to make those sorts of jokes about me. how dare he. and what makes it worse is that ive been shing since i was 12 years old. ive stopped and started a lot and yaknow... i do it now. touchy subject mate. please dont make jokes about it. thursday was parents evening and basically all of my teachers just told me to revise revise revise. it was pretty boring apart from my mum FALLING IN LOVS WITH MY RE TEACHER. she flat out told me that yeah, im capable of an a-a* in re, and only achieved a b in my mock which was disappointing, but she told me it was because of me missing so many lessons because of my anxiety. AND THEN TOLD ME THAT MY MENTAL HEALTH COMES BEFORE EVERYTHIGN ELSE. SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE CARES MORE ABOUT MY MENTAL HEALTH THAN MY GRADES AND SAID THAT IF EVER I NEED A TIME OUT I CAN SIT IN HER OFFICE OR IN A CLASSROOM COMPLETELY ALONE, EVEN WITHOUT TEACHERS NS WHERE NO ONE WALKS PAST AND GET ON WITH STUFF IN THERE. SHE PROMISED SHE WILLL DO WHATEVER SHE CAN TO HELP AND SAID SHE HAS NEVER OFFERED THAT TO ANYONE EVER BEFORE. NO OTHER TEACHER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT MY MENTAL HEALTH BUT SHE WAS LOVELY AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE IS MY FAVE WHAT AN ANGEL. but my mum fell in love with her and although the rest of parents evening (and that whole night) was pretty shit, that made me feel not useless and unwanted so yay! then friday wasnt too bad apart from drop down re day all afternoon but it was whatever. this morning was just weird bc i woke up to a man in my room fitting a sky box but whatever lmaoooooo. and today me and my mum watched loads of BTS videos, did bts quizzes and then went to watch fantastic beasts again bc we wanted yo do something together. i was incredibly anxious the whole way through and needed to pee, but the movie was still great 10/10. DID I MENTION I LOVE MY BEST FRIENDS?!?!?!?!?! I CHANGED MY PROFILE PICTURE ON FACEBOOK TODAY AND 🐋&🎏 COMMENTED AND WERE REALLY NICE AND I NEARLY CRIED WHAT DID I DO IN MY PAST LIFE TO DESERVE SUCH ANGELS AS MY BEST FRIENDS FFS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH JESUS. 🎏 also messaged me just saying "ur freaking gorgeous" AMD I STARTED TO TEAR UP FOR REAL WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO. IVE BEEN FEELING SHIT AND WANTIGN TO DIE AND SHE COMES ALONG JUST COMPLIMENTING ME AND OMG.... SHES THE KIND WHO COMPLIMENTS AND MEANS IT BC SHES HONEST. AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I MISS HER. I NEED TO MEET HER SOON OMGGGGGG 🎏🎏🎏 but yeah, idk what else to say... urm... i left a lot out bc its been a loooong week but yeah no one reads this anyway so whatever. bye~