#also duck keeps being lighter than i want him to be cause colours on my computer are so ass

[itstheendofthegoddamnworld]

To Grasp At Warmth (RK900 x Reader)

Warnings: mentions of blood and injuries, swearing, Nines trying to grasp at human emotions whilst trying to comfort a human through hard times. LONG CHAPTER AHEAD, ALSO ON MY A03!

There wasn’t much to retain from what had happened. You had been assigned to a mission with the arrogant jackass Gavin Reed and his cold and distant android upgraded model, RK900 to go on a simple mission.

An abandoned apartment was in suspicions of holding deviant spottings and scoutings, the possibility of finding some were very high.

It had been normal, and you hadn’t thought anything different in crashing through that door, guns raised and raiding the small space.

It had been hell that had been raised as soon as you stepped into that apartment.

There was screaming, you don’t remember from who, gunshots going off in all directions, and you found yourself ducked behind an emptied cabinet, gun at the ready to take down a deviant who was in hopes of escaping.

You could recall it happening all-so-quickly: the rush of adrenaline pumping in your veins as you stood, too quick as your eyes scanned the area to shoot at the target, but you were too slow, and your body was reacting not fast enough to shoot or duck back down again.

You heard a shout of your name, a bark for you to take cover, and another sounding so demanding that you thought it couldn’t possibly be the RK900 model?

You had fired with hopes of getting the deviant, and you had been thrown back in shock: had your gun gone off accidentally too soon? You were strong enough to take the power of the small firearm, but now, you couldn’t believe you were really lying on the floor.

There was a haziness in your mind, eyes scanning frantically, Gavin swearing like usual as you tried to find your own voice - frantically trying to understand what was going on.

Had I gotten it? You were looking for blood, the familiar blue colour of the thirium that pumped in all android’s bodies to be splattered on the ground, a deviant’s body fallen, but no blue blood anywhere.

Just red, so much red.

You were crumpled on the ground, and that was when the searing pain came through your shoulder, a cry escaping your lips as your fingers were going up to hold your upper up in agony, but there was someone stopping you.

The smell of your blood in the air hit your nostrils once you were able to put two and two together, the wavering smell of it bringing your stomach to want to throw up its contents, a feeling of fatigue falling over you.

“She fucking got shot by that thing-” You could hear Gavin in the background, muttering furiously as he called in for backup, the deviants had escaped and the one you were going to shoot a shot at you before you could- that was all you could understand.

You understood the underlying factor that you had failed, you had failed your team and now you were disappointing them; letting them down just because you got injured. It was heard from Gavin’s aggravated tone, the same you had heard constantly when missions have failed. 

It was only Nines who was extremely quiet beside you, checking over your vitals and system. 

“Detective? Can you hear me?” You didn’t dare want to look up to meet the Cyberlife Android’s eyes; something about them always made you uneasy.

Like looking at an icy tundra; eyes that look so human but hold nothing for our kind.

You attempting to sit up, again, trying to touch for the wound underneath your jacket, but Nines was quickly behind you, holding you up as your head began spinning. “F-Fuck, you can still get it... if you run.”

“If we leave you, the blood you’ve lost will kill you in a matter of minutes,” Nines stated, pausing briefly as if frozen or in thought. “I sent our location for an ambulance, it will arrive in approximately 4 minutes and 29 seconds.”

There was a calmness in his voice like always, enough to keep you calm at the situation.

You didn’t speak, but you could feel yourself going in and out of consciousness, the feeling of your body wanting to sleep, but the reminders in your mind begging you not to.

Nines was one to keep reminding you not to close your eyes, telling you almost every second how close the ambulance was to reach you.

You felt the right side of your shoulder just above your armpit was on fire, a burning and numbing sensation making you feel as if you had survived to be in a fire than surviving a gunshot.

“Detective.”

“Shut up.” You croaked quietly as if caught in the middle of sleeping and was being disturbed. Part of you didn’t care anymore: you had survived this long and now, all you wanted was to not disappoint yourself or others.

“God, I have to die surrounded by idiots.”

Nines didn’t respond to your words, and your head rolled back, looking anywhere and everywhere.  Your eyes were left unfocused, staring at the walls idly. Anything to distract you.

“What the fuck is happening now?” Gavin gruffly asked, but you never heard much of Nine’s answer.

“She’s going into hemorrhagic shock-- Keep your eyes open, Detective. Detective L/N?-- Y/N?”

You had thought you had died there and then: there was a fuzziness that distorted your mind and body from making you not understand where you were. The hazy side to you settled and went away, and you were blinking back the bright ceiling lights above you.

“I’m glad to see you awake, Detective L/N.” A voice pulled you from everything, calm, masculine. Uninterested. You glanced when you thought it had been all so familiar, green eyes instead of blue, a male nurse standing beside you with a smile on their face.

You looked at their features, instantly recognising the LED flashing blue on the side of their temple. “I’ll go get the doctor.” and with that and not much to say, they left you in your hospital bed.

You groaned, instinctively going to move your right arm to wipe your eyes when you sharply grunted, a pain residing in the side of you that you didn’t notice from the drips that were in your skin.

The top half of your arm was completely wrapped up, not even a single bit of skin remaining for you to see, a cast that reached your elbow, meaning you couldn’t bend it all that well.

“Miss L/N.” You gritted your teeth, trying to remain calm as you looked to the new person walking in, thankfully a human doctor who hadn’t resembled anything of an android.

For once, you were thinking you were never going to see another normal face again. “What the hell happened?”

“You have undergone surgery. The humerus was struck by the bullet that entered your shoulder, causing it to break.”

That explained the ungodly pain you were going through right now. Your brain trying recalling everything that happened for all of this to of occurred - the deviant, getting shot, Gavin and Nines-

“Hey, I know it’ll be a lot to take in, but you’re very lucky to be alive, you lot quite a lot of blood.” The doctor smiled sympathetically to you. “I’ll go and inform your partners that you’ve awakened.”

Yes, will they be pleased to hear that I’ve made it out to the other side? You thought drearily, your head falling back onto the pillows as you could only think really of work and how you were going to recover.

Recovery, unfortunately, wasn’t something that was going to be good for you. It would take around four to five months recovery time, with most of it in a sling; rendering you from using your arm for a while and relying on things that were so simple making your life a living hell.

It meant that you were left useless and given lots of time off work, and you were just as disappointed as Fowler was when you had called into his office that same day when you had been told the news.

After a week, you were allowed out, officer Tina Chen - a friend of yours and someone who could tolerate Gavin to befriend him - had picked you up from the hospital and driven you home. 

For a couple of hours, she had stayed with you, chatting about the things you had missed whilst helping you with things you needed.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever heard Gavin ask about you so much, he got as talkative as Nines.”

You nearly spluttered on your green tea, gritting your teeth momentarily for the pain to subside. “Nines? Nines was asking for me?”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him speak that often and so much. God, it sounded like they missed you a lot. A lot of relief was felt when they heard you made it out from the surgery.”

There was a feeling that bubbled inside of you, to make your heart feel light in your chest; Nines asked for you, and even worse, Gavin was not being rude about you for once?

Tina took in your surprised expression. “You seem surprised by this.”

You blinked, looking away as you sipped you tea slowly. “I guess... the two of them never really speak about me so kindly, or ask for me? You know what Reed is usually like?” You shook your head in denial. “But Nines? I didn’t think there’s anything in his system to make him be programmed to be so-- to be-”

“Empathetic?” Tina finished your sentence. You nodded at the right words. “For someone who goes on about not being a deviant, you would think the tin can was growing feelings, huh?” Laughed Tina in thought.

“Y-Yeah...” It was a lot to get you thinking about everything, and in those days that grew into weeks then months, you had lots of time for doing it.

With the pain medication and timely check-ups, you were seeing no hope in actually being able to get back to work; being stuck inside your apartment all day every day was making you believe you had lost your mind by the third day.

You were certain you had re-read every book on your shelf, watched every show on Netflix and maybe even started learning another language; just so you could kill time and get better.

You groaned in silent defeat, a rumbling in your stomach telling you it was best to get something for dinner. But there was nothing to eat. By the third month, you were sure you were a stone lighter and stronger in your left arm from carrying things with one hand.

You were sure to try and brag about it to Gavin when you came back to work.

Speaking of Gavin, you hadn’t heard from him, or Nines. They hadn’t even come to check on you once, instead, Reed sent one or two messages to your during the day, sometimes he had sent photos of his cats in the evenings to keep your spirits, but you believed the two of them were busy with work.

But for Nines, you knew that this human-looking android had no part in him to understand or feel sympathy for your cause. 

He was built and programmed to be stronger, faster and better in everywhere to his previous model, and to help hunt deviants like they were infestations. He was there to not befriend humans, just use for helping them with investigations.

You knew it could never happen, but you did miss the RK900 android. And there was the knowledge that he would never want to see you outside of work.

A brief knock brought you to shake out of your thoughts, a pang of sadness and forlorn feeling fell on you that evening like most times did, as you rocked back and forth to stand and walk to the front door.

You don’t remember getting any messages about arrivals or post, nor certainly, anyone visiting at this hour, so why, when you did open that door and saw those familiar blue eyes, did you almost want to drop dead there and then?

Your good hand gripped at the doorknob tightly, to still the shakiness as you meet the androids avoidant stare. “Good evening, detective.”

“Nines, what are you doing here?” You knew that he was analysing you, from the utter mess you looked like, and yet, you were dressed in a pair of shorts, barefoot and a baggy Nirvana logo t-shirt, your hair looking like a rats nest.

There was a part of you that wanted to slam the door on his face, to go and hide in shame for your looks, for knowing he was assessing you in scrutinising way, but the other part didn’t care.

Nines stood as straight as a pin in front of your door, towering over your height, his cold blue eyes didn’t show much emotion for you, and you were having a hard time guessing what he could’ve been processing in thought.

“Detective Reed and I were discussing that you had been out of work for 3 months and 25 days, so I thought I would come over and check on you.”

“Geez, do I want to know how the hell you managed to find where I lived?” You blinked groggily, knowing full well it was late in the evening.

“Your records and information weren’t hard to find, Detective. I simply looked it up and drove to your apartment complex.” Nines spoke matter-of-factly, but you were certain there was an underlying hint of sarcasm in his tone.

“Right, would you like to come in instead of stand outside my door? Your bringing in a draft.” Nines didn’t need to be told twice, complying and stepping through to look around your small area.

It only dawned on you that this was the first time Nines was inside your place, and he was definitely going to judge you for your stuff. You left him to it, walking to your kitchen area to raid the cupboards, hearing him shuffle around from bit to bit of your apartment, looking at everything carefully that you owned.

Oh, he was going to know you know more than he was looking over every minor detail of you, but you tried to ignore him at best. Grabbing a tin of soup, you got the tin open with the hands-free tin opener.

“Your serotonin and endorphins are very low, and it seems that you have only been getting around 3-4 hours of sleep a night-”

“Lucky guess Nines, it’s because I’m feeling like shit.” You spun to look back on him, not meaning to be ticked off, but just feeling so down was making you want to take it out on him.

The LED on Nine’s temple spun blue to yellow, before returning back to complete blue, there were obvious questionings to why you were feeling like this. “It is recommended to get 7-9 hours of sleep and provide yourself with vitamin C and B12-”

“It’s not fucking like that, Nines!” You snapped, staring into his own eyes that bore into yours. You looked away, your eyes darting to look at the floor. “I’m depressed.”

Your eyes snapped up when you heard shuffling, looking to see him walk over to you. The RK900 was soon standing in front of you, hands folded in front of him as if he would fiddle with something for a distraction from keeping him bored.

“Why?” He asked, his tone a bit more demanding, and you had heard it from when he was extracting confessions out from deviants in interrogations. It put you far more on edge than you had realised.

Your back hit the kitchen counter, biting the inside of your cheek, neither one of you spoke for a second. “It's just... its... I’m lonely.”

“Lonely?” He questioned your choice of the word. “But you have the above-average number of friends.”

“I know that I just... it’s fucking weird and I know you will never understand, but I miss working.” He would never understand, no matter how much you tried to say it. “I just missed the interactions of everyone.”

“Everyone, including Gavin?” His musings made you almost roll your eyes. “Yes, even Gavin in a fucked up way. God, don’t tell him I said that.”

“What about me?” Nines asked.

You blinked owlishly up at him, his question brought you to feel nervous with your choice of an answer. You could tell the truth or lie, and either one, you didn’t know how he could react to your words.

“Nines-”

“Answer me,” he repeated it again lower, coming closer to you than you wanted to anticipate, so close you thought he knew he would be able to hear how fast your heart was beating, “did you miss me, Y/N?”

You squeezed your eyes shut, focusing on your breathing when you thought you had started panicking. Nines was not stopping when he witnessed how flustered you were getting; instead, he seemed to be relishing the moment.

“Look at me.” His demand wasn’t as harsh as you had imagined from his programming, a lot softer to make you look up at him in wonderment. Immediately, you could see how close he was now to you, practically towering over you.

He took his hand into your good one in a tentative manner, and you watched as the outer skin peeled back to show the synthetic layer beneath; the plastic feels to the lower layer that felt oddly cool in your hand. You stared at him in bewilderment, as Nines watched your reaction slowly, closing his own eyes briefly.

“They say that I was the latest made to be more resilient, a new prototype to be faster, stronger, the machine made just to help humans and nothing else.” He began, his voice was lower as he drew it out. “These... emotions are something I was not programmed into having, nor understanding.”

That part was back in the back of your head, telling you he was just a machine, nothing like the previous model, Connor; He could never deviate, could he?

“That being said,  it doesn’t mean it’s ever too late to learn, to understand for myself better what makes humans... human.”

“Nines,” You breathed breathlessly, your fingers gripping his involuntarily. His own eyes opened once again, blinking down upon you. There was still that neutral cold look to his already cooler colour counterpart, but there was a softness, a fondness behind them now.

“I want to learn, from you.” His fingers hesitated momentarily, treading themselves through the back of your hair, slowly maybe even out of curiosity trailing across your jaw. “These fickle emotions that make me want to understand you better.”

“Nines, you’re not deviating, are you?” You met his eyes with a loopy smile.

“No, I’m not.” He rolled his blue eyes your way, a half-smile on his face. “But I’m certain, this is me saying this and not what I’ve been programmed to say.”

Neither one of you spoke, nor needed to really, but you were pulled back when your soup was announced ready, breaking eye contact from him first. “Come, we can discuss these feelings better on the couch, with a movie--- have you seen Blade Runner?”

“Y/N, I have millions of films to stream, I’m sure I have possibly heard of it.” Nines teased softly, his dry sarcasm was something you had missed from him.

“Good, it’ll be easier for you to understand when we watch it.” You smiled, taking him by the hand and dragging him to the couch to spend the evening doing exactly that.

It took most of the rest of the night speaking freely about these topics with Nines, but you were sure he was getting the hang of them when he finally plucked the courage to put his own lips to yours.

You couldn’t complain that you had missed him indeed.

-

Support me on Ko-fi!~

[bakuhoes-slut234]

Aizawa x reader fluff - Birthday part 1

Aizawa's eyes fluttered open as the light leaked in through the blinds.

He looked around the room, feeling like he's forgetting something.

He looked to his side where Y/N was sleeping peacefully and smiled softly.

She looked so peaceful and relaxed. His heart swelled at the thought that she was his and his only.

His phone dinged, letting know that he has a notification.

He grumbled and unlocked his phone. A message popped up on his screen.

Private chat

Loud Mouth

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAN!!!!!

Let's go out for drinks to celebrate if you and Y/N don't already have something planned.

Aizawa thought for a moment.

' does she have anything planned? ' he thought to himself before replying

She might have planned something. I don't know. We'll see.

I don't expect her to though.

He turned off his phone and got up.

When Mic reminded him that it was his birthday, he was kinda shocked to see Y/N still asleep.

Him and Y/N have been together for 4 years now and every year, on his birthday, he always woke up to breakfast in bed.

He would always say "you don't have to do this" even though it made him feel special that she would get up early just to make him breakfast.

But like any other day, he was the first one up. He hadn't heard an alarm either that would suggest that maybe she slept through the alarm.

' did she forget? ' he asked himself.

The thought made him a little upset but didn't dwell on it.

' maybe she's planning something later rather than this morning ' he thought.

Shota got out of bed and made his way to the kitchen to make breakfast.

He put on his apron and got out the bacon, eggs, and other things he wanted for breakfast.

About 10 minutes later, the soft sound of feets patting against the floor was heard.

Shota turned to see Y/N walking to the kitchen, wrapped in a blanket, smiling sleepily.

"Morning babe" she smiled and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

"Hey beautiful. Breakfast is ready" he said and placed two plates of food in the kitchen counter.

He had already cleaned up the mess he made so that he could eat breakfast without caring about dishes.

"Thanks Sho" she plopped the blanket onto the couch and then took a seat at the table.

They both ate in silence for a while, just like normal. Today though, the silence seemed to bother Aizawa.

"What are we doing today?" He asked, finally breaking the silence to find out if she planned anything.

"Could you run some errands for me today, I'm a little behind on work and need to catch up before the boss gives me another written warning?" She asked.

Shota froze for a moment.

' has she actually forgotten? '

While he didn't really mind if all they did was stay at home and watch movies, he at least expected her to say " happy birthday"

A frown settled on his face.

"Sure, what errands?" He grumbled.

Y/N noticed his suddenly sour mood but chose to ignore it.

"I just need you to buy groceries and deliver a few things. Would you be okay with that?" She asked and he nodded.

He finished his breakfast and put his plate in the dishwasher.

"I'm gonna get dressed" he mumbled and headed towards the bathroom.

Soon, Aizawa came back into the kitchen and saw Y/N had moved to sit on the couch, cuddled up in her blanket again.

He frowned. "See you later" he said

All he got in response was a wave, she didn't even turn face him.

Aizawa slammed the door as he left and his phone dinged.

Private chat

Kitty Kat

Here's the list of things I need you to do:

* Attachment sent *

His eyes widened when he saw how long the list was.

"Fuck sakes Y/N. That's a lot" he grumbled to himself.

~

As soon as Y/N clicked the send button, she jumped up from her spot on the couch and ran down the hall.

The list that she sent should keep him busy for a couple hours while she set up.

She picked up on the fact that he was upset this morning and felt bad that she had caused it.

She knew he didn't expect her to do much, he liked simple things. Like movies and juice pouches but she always tried to make his birthday special.

Everything was going according to plan.

Wake up late. Check.

Don't mention his birthday to him. Check.

Send him to do errands. Check.

' forget ' his birthday. Check

Feel guilty for not making breakfast. Check.

Now she needed to set up and get dressed.

She quickly pulled out a small, portable table that they used when they went camping that one time and put it into a large bag.

In the bag, she also put a black table cloth, red table runner ( those coloured, narrow cloths they put in the middle of a table that goes from one end to the other), two wine glasses and two plates wrapped in bubble wrap, two knifes, forks and spoons.

She packed a lot of candles and a lighter.

Once that was done, she put on her shoes and ran out the house.

She made a b-line for the gazebo at the beach. She had to bring her own table because the gazebo at the beach didn't have one. She had asked Hawks to make sure that no one takes it before she was able to set up and to watch it while she gets herself ready so no one steals her stuff.

Once she got to the gazebo, she set up the table and put on the table cloth and table runner, two plates, glasses and cutlery.

She then placed a few candles on the table and around the table. Once that was done, she made a pathway from the gazebo, leading about 10 metres away.

That all took about 2 hours to set up since she had to run and get more candles when she was only halfway done with the path. By now it was lunch time.

She found Hawks approaching her with a goofy smile.

"Hey baby birdie. How's it coming along?" He asked.

"It's going good. Shota seemed a little upset this morning but didn't say anything. " He huffed.

"Oh well, he's in for a treat tonight"

"Yeah. Can you hold onto the lighter? I'll text you when it's time to light the candles." She said and handed him the small object.

He nodded and watched as she ran off.

Y/N ran back the apartment and started cooking. She quickly cooked some Udon and put it in a special container that keeps the food hot.

By then, it was already 4pm.

"Shit. This is taking longer than expected." She grumbled.

Thankfully, Mic had said that he would distract Aizawa and to text him when he could finally let the poor man go home.

Y/N ran down to the beach and put the container of food down on the table.

"Hey chicken. Text me when you want me to set up the food, okay?" Hawks said as he approached her. She nodded and quickly ran to the flower shop near by and bought some roses.

She handed them to Hawks, knowing that he knew what to do with them when she gives him the ok.

She then ran home and got dressed into her usual every day clothes, just a little nicer.

She didn't want to dress up all fancy with the risk of him catching on that she was planning something.

She blushed at the thought of what she was really planning other than dinner.

She pulled out a beautiful black lacey bra with matching panties and put then on. Then she flipped on a pair of suspenders to hold up the long, black sleek socks that she out on.

She always wore black so none of this was too new.

The next part is what made her really blush.

She pulled out a small device from another bag.

I'm her hand was two things. One, being a small vibrator and the other being a remote.

She quickly but carefully slipped the small object into her, sucking in a deep breath as she did so.

She then put on a flowy lace dress that ended at her mid-thigh and stuffed the remote into her handbag.

As she was walking out the door, she slipped on her shoes and left.

Her phone dinged on her bedside table.

Private chat

Radio Rebel

HEY!!!!

Listen, I can't hold Aizawa for much longer. He's getting grumpy and wants to go home. He looks really mad.

Ok, just stall him for five more minutes please

You got it

Y/N turned off her phone and ran out the door she needed just one more thing.

She ran to the nearest costume shop and bought a pair of black, fluffy cat ears and then ran home.

As she was about to put the key in the hole, she noticed the door was unlocked.

' dammit ' she thought.

She slowly opened the door to see Aizawa standing in the kitchen, leaning against the table with his arms crossed.

"H-hey babe" she smiled nervously.

He just grunted in response.

"Thank you for running errands for me"

"Where were you? I thought you had work to do." He narrowed his eyes.

"I did. I just needed to run to the store and get tampons real quick. I forgot to put it on the list and didn't know when you would be back." She lied easily.

"Whatever. Here's your crap you wanted me to get" he said and motioned to the packets in the table behind him

Y/N smiled and then ducking into their room to place the day ears in her draw.

She walked back to the kitchen and saw a still grumpy Aizawa.

"What's wrong with you today?" She asked.

Aizawa's attention snapped to her, looking at her with wide eyes.

"Why's wrong with me!? What's wrong with you?" He yelled. "I've been running around all day doing errands for you can cooked you breakfast, none of which I mind doing on any given day except for today! It's my birthday for fucks sakes and you didn't even say ' happy birthday'. I don't expect much except just a simple ' happy birthday' " he huffed, clearly pissed the hell off.

"Aizawa, I swear, I didn't forget" Y/N mumbled.

He just clicked his tongue.

"Get dressed into something comfy. We're going somewhere" she said, seeing as it was now dark out.

"Don't say that just because you feel bad" he grumbled

"I'm not. Just shut up, and get dressed. I have a surprise for you. Fucking dumbass" she said, mumbling the last part soft enough that he didn't hear her.

As he grumbled his way into their bedroom, Y/N pulled out her phone.

Private chat

Birdie

Set up now. Aizawa is grumpy and ready to kill me. We'll be there in about 20 mins

Yes, chicken nugget, ma'am

[ourfriendwhumpfrey]

It was mid-morning by the time Mattie reached the house. The cul-de-sac was cast in a flat, dim light and seemed to be deserted. No one was home, either. His knocking yielded no response and no lights shone in the windows. No way to make sure he even lived here anymore. There may have been a spare key hidden under one of the cracked plant pots, but he couldn’t risk having the police called from him if it turned out he had let himself into a stranger’s house. There was nothing to do but wait. He sat on the tarmac, leaning against the brickwork by the front door.

He smiled faintly at the empty street. It was entirely unremarkable, even quite grimy, but Mattie hadn’t felt this safe in some time. The ill-kept, weed-filled driveways and floral curtains brought to mind tricycles, video games and chippy teas. Some teens shouted in the distance. Just some truant kids, nothing more. It wasn’t long before he dozed off despite the cold.

He woke up to a foot on his ribcage.

“What the fuck?”

Some one had tripped over him. He blinked. It was dark and he was lying curled up on his side on the ground. The voice above him was tense.

“Sorry mate, but you have to-”

“Steve?” Mattie rasped.

Steve – yes, definitely Steve – squinted down at him.

“Oh my fucking god.”

He instantly reached a hand out to help Mattie up off the floor, eyes scanning him up and down with disbelief.

“Mattie, you look like shit, mate.”

All Mattie could feel was a big smile splitting his face. Just like Steve to not ask just what he was doing sleeping on his driveway, or to mention how long it had been since they last saw each other. He just continued to fuss over him while guiding him into the house.

The house was a lot nicer than Mattie remembered, even accounting for the fact that for the past few months his most permanent residence had been a stripped-out ice-cream van. The walls were painted a lighter colour, the furniture replaced. There was a vase with sticks in it. For some reason that pretentious little touch gave his heart a squeeze of happiness. It was a normal home.

Steve ducked in and out of the kitchen, checking in on every aspect of Mattie’s health as he made tea and boiled up some pasta. When had he last eaten? Was he hurt? No hospital, okay, but did he need to fetch the first aid kit? He’d better not say no hospital and end up dying in the night, ‘cause there’d be trouble. It wasn’t until he had hoovered up a massive plate of pasta and chicken (homecooked food!) and emptied out Steve’s biscuit tin that his friend started getting curious.

Steve sighed and looked him over, bemused, concerned.

“Where’ve you been, mate? The Dearies said you went to Birmingham or something?”

Mattie opened his mouth, then closed it. He had no idea what to tell him. It was all too bizarre. He didn’t think he had it in him to explain even the most basic parts of his story.

“I met my dad,” he smiled awkwardly. Steve would understand that he didn’t want to talk, but he owed him some insight at least. “Bit of a pillock, actually...”

He felt bad saying that. Considering the sort of caliber people he had been crossing paths with lately, it was maybe unfair to call Hermes the pillock. Even if he was.

“Your digs are looking nice.”

“Thanks, man. Me and Cynthia inherited the place and done it up. Not quite done yet. She’s out of town, so we’ve got the place to ourselves. Ideally we’d like a bigger place, maybe room for some little ones.”

Mattie looked away, happy at the warmth in his friend’s eyes but also a little embarassed. Steve was talking about raising a family and he was sitting on his sofa in filthy clothes, no phone, no fucking toothbrush, just a head filled with monsters and ancient gods.

They chatted about minutiae for the rest of the evening. Bigger stuff just didn’t feel manageable. Mattie teased Steve about his vase of sticks. Hey, it’s pussy willow and it’s classy. Steve laid some sheets on the sofa and brought down clean clothes. Mattie was practically shivering with excitement at the prospect of a hot shower.

“It’s pretty basic,” Steve called up the stairs after him as he entered the bathroom. The idiot didn’t know what basic meant.

He toed off his shoes and thew his jacket on the floor. It clattered on the tiles. Mattie frowned, not sure anymore what he had in his pockets. His hands shook when he pulled out a mobile phone. He turned it over in his hands. This wasn’t his. His phone was floating in a canal somewhere. Someone had planted this on him, someone who clearly meant to track his location.

“Fuck.”

He put his shoes back on, fumbling with the laces. He peered through the bathroom door and tiptoed down the stairs. Hopefully he could leave without Steve noticing. No such luck. As he reached the bottom of the stairs, he emerged from the living room.

“I have to leave,” he said.

“What?”

“I have to leave! Right now.”

“No – Mattie - you’re not leaving like this,” he moved to block the front door, “You look like utter shit, you’ve clearly got nowhere else to go. Just stay the night.”

The phone felt heavy in his hand and panic was starting to send waves of electricity up and down his limbs. He tried to push past his friend.

“You don’t understand, I need to go now.”

Steve stopped him with a hand to his chest. He squared his shoulders, taking advantage of his superior size to keep him away from the door.

“You came to me for help. You don’t get to run out and disappear like this.”

Mattie briefly considered sedating him before a flare of yellow light poured in through the window and lapped at the walls. The purr of an approaching car cut off just outside the door. Steve instantly understood the look on Mattie’s face and spoke in a low voice,

“Go and hide upstairs, I can get them to leave.”

“You can’t,” Mattie hissed back.

There was a knock on the door. Before he even realised, Mattie had backed up a little down the hallway.  A familiar weight appeared on his shoulders. Under his shirt, a snake slithered down his right arm and stopped at the end of his sleeve.

“Go,” Steve mouthed at him. Mattie shook his head.

“I know you’re in there, Mattie,” Astrid called through the door, her smile audible in her voice, “I’m going to open the door now.”

The lock clicked and Astrid stepped inside. Steve rounded on her, trying to muscle her out of the door.

“You need to leave-”

“Don’t!”

Mattie saw the light in Astrid’s eyes change. He thew his arm out towards Steve and the snake hidden in his sleeve shot at his neck. His head turned towards Mattie, wide-eyed as the snake sank its fangs into his neck.

“He’s not going to do anything, just don’t hurt him,” Mattie pleaded, moving forward to take Steve by the shoulders and pull him towards the living room. He ignored his friend as he mumbled confusedly and started to crumple to the floor. He kept his eyes on Astrid, imploring.

“He almost touched me,” she said, reaching into her jacket.

“Look, I’m here, I’m doing what you want. Please don’t.”

“Put the snakes away.”

Leaving Steve on the floor at his feet, Mattie hurriedly pushed back his sleeves and put his hands in the air as the snakes melted back into his tattoo.

“Take your shirt off.”

Mattie did so and allowed Astrid to guide him so he was up against the wall, his back exposed. There was a creak of duct tape being dispensed behind him. As Astrid covered up his caduceus tattoo in with a T-shape of duct tape from shoulder to tailbone, Mattie looked down at Steve’s sleeping body. He’d wake up in a few hours. Though he would certainly have been killed if he’d been allowed to anger Astrid anymore, hot guilt still bubbled in Mattie’s gut.

“Godly powers, bested by duct tape,” Astrid remarked as she signed off her handiwork with a hefty slap to his mid-back.

“Please don’t come back here. Just leave them alone.” Mattie couldn’t keep the tremble out of his voice.

Astrid ignored his request.

“We have to go.”

With surprising gentleness she guided Mattie out of the house and into the car that waited for them.

[we-are-all-of-legend-now]

I'm hoping you'll turn this prompt in one of your song ones. I would like something sad like forever winter but it's rose in Jake's position and he has to come in and save her. Thanks

I had to think about what song I wanted to use for this one but I think I found it! I didn't want to make this the exact same situation so I took an old idea of mine that never made it into a longer fic format for this one, but I tried to keep it to a similar vibe as Forever Winter

The song is Run Away To Mars by Talk and the song Rose sings to herself is Empire State Of Mind by Jay-Z & Alicia Keys.

Warnings for this one: drug use, alcohol mentions, tobacco use, medical references, bodily fluids, swears, mostly written on my phone

Also on fanfiction if anyone finds that format easier to read!

Your colour’s fading

'Cause I kept you waiting

Jake stood in the doorway of Rose's dorm room for a minute before his brain kicked into gear. He didn't remember if he closed the door behind him, just that he raced to the stairs, not quite beating the paramedics to the bottom floor. He hurtled out of the stairwell, watching the elevator door close and the gurney be wheeled out the front door. He scrambled onto the street, the winter air doing nothing to soothe him.

He was left helpless on the sidewalk as Rose was loaded into the back of the ambulance. The doors slammed, loud even against the general noise of a New York night. The sirens went on, the ambulance sped away, and Jake dropped to his knees on the concrete, not sure where to go from here.

Around him was the chatter of students, counting down the days until winter break and lamenting the exams that had between then and now. People were talking of Christmas and snow. Lovers were coming together for the first time, babies were being born. The world was turning and Jake felt still and frozen, the ambulance lights still flashing before his eyes, even though it was long gone.

How had they ended up here? Hadn’t they done everything they had done so that they would not end up here?

He should have known better. Half a decade ago, yesterday, even this morning. He should have known but he didn’t and, even if Rose survived, he didn’t know how he was going to live with the fact that he had failed her.

“Please,” Jake whispered to the wind,��“let her survive.”

There was nothing else he could do.

It’s a wild, wild world

And you’re a wild, wild girl

Rose tripped over her own two feet and laughed at herself, because there was no one else with her. There had been, at one point, friends, but either they had wandered off or she had wandered off, but Rose didn't mind. She could enjoy being alone on streets she didn't know.

"New York," she burbled, her high distorting her voice into something that made her giggle, "concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you can't do."

She forgot the rest of the words but she was beyond care. She let things bubble around in front of her as she rummaged around in her purse. There was a half-pint of vodka stuffed in there but that wasn’t what she was looking for. Triumphantly, she pulled out her pack of smokes, shaking one into her hand. The cigarette looked shiny in her palm and it sent her off laughing again. The distortion, the sounds, the colours, that was what kept her coming back to dropping acid, over everything else she’d ever tried. It made her mind feel settled, strangely, rather than alive. It made her feel like if nothing was real then she wasn’t insane.

Her lighter was in her hand but the wind kept her from lighting the cigarette. At least, she thought there was wind.

Rose ducked around the corner of the next building, hoping that there would be no wind in an alley.

Instead, both her cigarette and lighter clattered to the ground, and she stared, open-mouthed, at the scene going on in front of her.

The first time that Rose had done drugs, she’d only been thirteen. Five years and many trips later, Rose had never experienced anything like what was going on in front of her, and she swore it was all real.

The bright red dragon.

The harpy.

The fight between them.

There was no instinct in Rose to run away. She took a step toward them, catching the dragon’s attention. It looked at her, locked eyes with her, and Rose felt her heart stop.

“Rose,” it said, in a voice that she recognized.

“Jake?”

She didn’t know where the name came from. She didn’t know what she was doing here or what had turned her into this alley. All she knew was that she couldn’t move, even when the dragon shouted for her to run. Even when the dragon had to turn to chase the harpy and left her alone here.

Rose knew that, until he came back, she wouldn’t move again.

Our sun’s still shining

But it seems half the size

Jake ignored Gramps’ repeated calls, knowing that he’d only want a report on what had happened with the harpy but Jake wasn’t in the mood to give a report. He winged his way back to the alley he’d had the harpy cornered in for about five minutes. In that alley, he had seen Rose.

In the years since their goodbye, Jake had thought he’d seen Rose hundreds of times. But, it was never truly her. A girl with the same hair, a laugh that he’d remembered wrong, a complete fabrication of the imagination. If he was being honest, Jake would say that he’d never really thought he’d see her again. He hoped that he would. He hoped that something would at least bring them together enough so that he would know that she was happy, so that he could update the memory in his mind, of her drifting away to a new life.

He touched down inside the alley, wondering if there would be something left to track her by or if she’d left something behind so he could find her. She’d known his name too. Jake found none of that. Instead, he found her, sitting on the grungy ground, a small bottle of vodka in her hands that she was sipping from, even though it was barely 6:30 in the morning and she looked haunted, in the way people did when they hadn’t slept properly.

Rose turned her head and stared at him, struggling into a standing position.

“You came back.”

“You’re still here.” And drunk. She was definitely drunk.

“Do you know where to get breakfast?” Rose asked.

“Yeah.”

“You wanna get breakfast with me?”

“Yeah.”

It was so bizarre that it was that easy, at least for the moment, for them to walk side by side down the street, toward the 24-hour diner that Spud said had the best milkshakes in the entire city. Rose kept sipping from her vodka bottle. She offered him a taste but Jake shook his head. He wanted a clear head and he could admit that he was too much of a baby to drink straight vodka without any chase.

“Why are you drinking so early?”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

Rose put the empty bottle down on the rim of a garbage can and followed Jake up to the diner doors. Jake held the door open for her, taking her in. The dark circles under her eyes, her shaky hands, the way that she was stick thin - not in the still rounded, muscled way she’d been when he’d known her, but she was fall over in the wind thin now. She played with the ends of her long blonde hair, although now it had thick blue streaks through parts of it. Her eyes were big and blue as she sat in the booth across from him, staring at him.

“Is your name really Jake?”

“Yes.”

“You knew my name.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know you, though. You don’t look familiar. I don’t know anything else about you.”

Jake frowned. She knew that the dragon she’d called Jake last night and the human sitting in front of her were the same person but she didn’t seem to consider that important at all.

“Well, I guess that’s true,” Jake said carefully.

“What should I know, then?”

Jake was grateful that the waitress came over at that moment, taking their orders. It gave him enough moments to think as Rose debated over the peanut butter or the strawberry milkshake. He’d dreamt of one day getting to talk to Rose again but he hadn’t thought it would be in this way. He hadn’t thought he’d be faced with the choice to tell her, all over again, what they had gone through. It hurt to know how fully he’d been erased from her, but, wasn’t that what she had wanted, and he had wanted for her? She’d had her normal life. He wasn’t going to screw things up for her.

“That I’m going to pay for breakfast.”

Rose laughed and it was such a beautiful sound.

“And I’ll walk you home.”

“That’s very sweet of you.”

Jake both wanted it to be sweet and he wanted her to know that he wasn’t letting her go home alone. He truly didn’t think that she’d be safe on the streets anymore. He still wanted to protect her. He had left himself behind to feel the hurt so that she could be protected. He wasn’t going to fail her now.

“And then what?” Rose asked. “Are we going to see each other again?”

Jake swallowed. “Are you going to want to?”

The waitress put Rose’s milkshake down on the table and she pulled it toward her forcefully, taking a long gulp of it and sighing happily. “Well, breakfast is the way to a girl’s heart.”

And it was Jake’s turn to laugh.

And it’s a wild, wild world

Out here

Rose loved it when the music was so loud that her entire body vibrated. She didn’t care about the words or the sounds, she just cared about volume. She spread her arms and gleefully ran into the crowd, feeling an arm wrap around her shoulders and pull her in.

“I’ve been looking for you,” she said.

Andrew smiled at her, the smile that was always a little too predatory for Rose’s liking, but what did she care?

“Why were you looking for me?”

“You know where Molly is?” she asked coyly.

“I always got you, girl.”

A brush of hands and Rose popped the entire ecstasy pill in her mouth before he was gone. She let the crowd pull her in closer, the colours and the noise not just giving her an artificial high. She found her way toward the centre. Everyone was dancing. Everyone was as happy as she was. She felt hands on her waist and she turned to look at a boy who looked like she did, with the side eyes, and a body that was heated to the touch. Rose let him pull her close and kiss her. She didn’t care who he was. She would barely remember later the basic strokes of his face and she didn’t care that he wouldn’t remember her. She let him pull her closer and closer until they were kissing, the music thumping her heart out of her chest, the other ravers giving them a soundtrack.

Until she was abruptly pulled away from the moment. Jake’s hand was on her shoulder and she didn’t care about the boy behind her the moment that she saw Jake’s face.

“Get away from her,” Jake growled.

“You need to get happy,” Rose said, and then she saw the people behind him. “You must be Trixie and Spud! He’s told me so much about you!”

The two exchanged uneasy looks.

“Yeah,” the girl finally said, “we’re Trixie and Spud. Jake said you invited him to a party.”

“It is a party!” Rose exclaimed. “You just need to get happy!”

“I’m happy,” Jake said, “come on, I promise.”

“They’re not happy,” Rose said. “They’re not happy at all. If the people you brought aren’t happy, how do I know you’re happy? I don’t.”

“Man, what are we doing at a rave?” Spud said but he had to be so loud to be heard over the music that he wasn’t exactly whispering in Jake’s ear the way that he’d intended to and Rose heard every word.

She pointed an accusing finger. “See, I told you.”

“It’s not our scene,” Trixie said.

“You guys can go if you want,” Jake said, “I’m going to stay here with Rose.”

The words sent Rose flying. Someone was picking her! No one had ever picked her before! She wasn’t going to give him a chance to change his mind and she grabbed onto his hand, feeling shiny and happy all over again.

“Come dance!”

“Text me!” Jake shouted to Trixie and Spud but Rose didn’t care if they heard him.

She pulled him away, into the throbbing center of the crowd, and held him close. Rose had been held before, in many a situations like this, but never with someone who seemed to see her so clearly. She was used to being distorted in the way that she saw herself and the way that others saw her. It was where she was safe, but Jake didn’t make her feel safe. It made her want to jump out of her skin and rabbit run into the woods, where she could stay forever. She was always running. It was why she was here, in New York, leaving behind even more problems than she was finding.

Jake’s hands were on her hips, more reminiscent of the way that one would dance at middle school, and it was too sweet for Rose, who always needed to feel the fire burn.

She brought her face close to his. 

“You’re on drugs,” Jake said, in a flat, matter of fact way that did nothing to douse her mood because Rose, was, in fact on drugs.

“So? Did you want to be?”

“If I’m going to kiss you, Rose, you’re going to have to be sober.”

Rose bent her head so that her lips were just under his ear, her breath tickling a spot that she knew would be sensitive for him.

“I’m never going to be sober, Jake.”

Rose took a step back from him, showing off, because she knew how she looked. She knew how the heads turned when she walked by, even though countless other people were dressed as skimpily as she was. The holographic bikini top that showed off her underboob not so tastefully, the chains hanging from it down her exposed torso and stomach, all the way down to her hipbones, where her matching skirt started, so short in the back that the curve of her cheeks were more than visible.

“I’m going to go find someone who’s going to be fun,” she sang, closing her eyes and twirling to the music. The sweat ran down the curve of her back and it just made her feel alive. She twirled, believing for a moment, that her feet would leave the ground, and she would never have to be anything else but a floating, dancing anomaly in the sky.

She bumped into people and other people bumped into her but that was why she came to places like this, to feel a second of accidental connection.

She felt a hand catch hers and she knew without looking that it was Jake. She’d seen him for the first time a week ago and she already knew him without sight, without smell, without sound. 

Rose opened her eyes and there he was, a fire in his eyes that made excitement pool into her stomach. She felt like her heart was going to explode as he pulled her in toward him, their lips meeting in a rush like Rose had never felt before. Rose grabbed onto him as he lifted her, twirling her, surrounding her, in the way that she had always wanted. She was covered, as if he were a human blanket, and she never wanted to get out of bed.

Before my time runs out

What If I run away to Mars?

“Jake, what the fuck is going on?”

Jake shut his bedroom door carefully and went to join Trixie and Spud in his and Spud’s living room. It was well on its way to dawn and they had barely convinced Rose to leave the rave that early. And that was only because she was becoming crabby on her comedown. It had been easier to get her back to his apartment and zip off her big platform boots and leave her with a t-shirt of his to borrow and let her sleep it off in his bed. Jake didn’t even care how much glitter and make-up she left smeared across his sheets, because he would know where she was. The more he learnt about her, the more he was beginning to realize just how unstable she was.

“What do you mean?” Jake asked Trixie, knowing it  was easier to be ignorant. He went to sit down on his couch, thought better of it, and went to start the coffee pot.

“She’s nuts,” Spud said pointedly. “A rave? And she was on, like, hard drugs, man.”

“I know.”

“You told us she was a drunk last time you saw her but what do you really know about her?” Trixie asked.

“I know she’s Rose -”

“She is not the Rose that you knew,” Trixie interrupted.

“Definitely not,” Spud agreed.

Jake felt too ganged up on and, in an act of pure pettiness, didn’t offer them any coffee.

“But she is Rose,” Jake argued, “and I’m just getting to know her again. I don’t know why she’s like this. What if it is my fault? What if being the Huntsgirl was better than what I sent her back to? I did that to her. And, if that’s true, I have to help her.”

“So, this is a duty thing?” Trixie asked. “Like the dragon stuff?”

Before Jake could open his mouth, Spud was shaking his head. “No way. It’s Rose. It’s never been about duty and honour with her. We all know there was a point in time when you would have given it all up for her.”

Jake pulled himself up onto the counter, looking out the window at the terrible view that he and Spud could afford and sipping at his coffee. He didn’t want to tell his friends anything because he still didn’t know what to think. He loved Rose. He had always and would always love Rose and that wasn’t something that was ever going to change. He knew that. But, it was also true that he didn’t know this version of Rose and, maybe, she was someone he would have love for and wouldn’t fall in love with. Deep down, though, Jake wasn’t sure the distinction mattered. Spud was right: Jake would sacrifice for Rose. Over and over again. They were tied together and he would do what he had to make sure that she was all right.

“I need to help her,” Jake said. “Look at her, she’s a mess, and we know it. She needs help. And it doesn’t look like anyone else is here. She hasn’t mentioned her family at all. And her family was all that she wanted. Something went wrong and I have to figure it out. I have to help her.”

“You want to help her,” Trixie said.

“What’s so wrong with that?” Jake snapped. “Listen, I’m sorry that you guys ended up somewhere that you didn’t want to be. She really did tell me that it was a party. Thank you for staying. Thank you for helping me get Rose out safely. I appreciate it. I don’t get why you’re sitting here attacking me!”

“We’re not attacking you!” Trixie said quickly.

“We just know you, man, and, like, you can get obsessive. And we know how you’ve never stopped talking about Rose and now she’s here and she’s hurt and ...” Spud looked helplessly at Trixie, who finished his thought.

“Jakey, we just don’t want you to get so caught up in her storm that we lose you too.”

“You won’t,” Jake assured them, still annoyed with them, but touched by their concern. “I promise you.”

Jake could tell that there was more that they wanted to say but Trixie stood up and stretched, deciding to leave it for another day.

“I’ll see you guys later, okay? I’ve gotta get in a nap before my econ class.”

“See you, Trix.”

“Bye.”

Spud sat on the couch and ran his hands through his hair. “Jake, we mean it, be careful.”

“You already said that.”

“I know. I know. I just remember how hurt you were after Homecoming.”

Jake shied away from the memories.

“Are you really the best person to help her?”

Jake remembered the way that she’d looked at him tonight when he’d taken her hand. He thought of the way that she’d melted into him, letting him support her. He saw the way that she wore her hurts all over her skin and how all he’d wanted to do was go back and heal her, save her from everything.

“Yes,” Jake said, with conviction, “I am the best person.”

He was her person.

Would you find me in the stars?

Would you miss me in the end

Rose screamed.

Then, because it felt so good, she screamed again.

She threw her hairbrush at the wall and then poured herself a shot of tequila, not caring that her shaking hands spilled some on her desk that was covered in her homework. Homework, by the way, that she’d finished because she was passing all of her stupid university classes and wasn’t that what her stupid parents wanted from her anyway?

Another drink.

One more drink.

Jake didn’t like it when she drank too much and did too much and she was trying to be better. Everyone hated who she was but no one understood why she was this way. No one had ever tried to understand. She kicked a lump of clothes under her dorm bed and paced around the small area, so grateful that she didn’t have a roommate. She had her own place to hang her head and go insane because insanity brought her peace.

There was a knock at her door and Rose knew that it was Jake. He never had to text her to come get her at the lobby doors, somehow, he always just got into her dorm room. Rose never asked him how because, even though there were a great many things she was sometimes tempted to ask him about, she never did. Truth was the scariest thing of all and she was so worried to find out that what she believed in wasn’t actually the way that the world was.

Rose opened the door, realizing too late that the tequila bottle was still on her desk.

Jake didn’t say anything but she could read the disappointment in his eyes.

“What’s going on?” Jake asked as he walked into the room, taking the bottle off her desk and, for the time being, putting it underneath. Like everyone else in her life, Jake believed in out of sight, out of mind. Rose was the only person who ever saw the things that everyone else said.

“My sister’s coming to visit,” Rose said. “My parents are sending her as an ambassador.”

“An ambassador?”

Rose sat down on her bed and she wished that she was spinning. She wished that there was more than blood in her veins and that she had something to help her breathe. She hadn’t had enough alcohol to help her, just enough alcohol to make her into a human being. Rose didn’t like this stage. She almost hated it more than the comedown because, at least in the comedown, she was something else entirely.

“To judge me. To see if I’m better or worse. To see if she should tell my parents to drag me home kicking and screaming because they were all right when they told me that I can’t be on my own and that the states are a bad idea.”

Jake nudged her over and Rose made room for him on the single dorm bed. Rose was half on top of him so that they could both fit but Rose didn’t think that either one of them minded.

“What do you think?”

“I think I’ve been better here,” Rose confessed. “I’m not perfect and I’m never going to be perfect but I really have been better here. All my old friends are there. I think it would be easy for me to burn out there and just hit a point where I’d never recover.”

“Do you want to recover?” Jake asked quietly, after a moment.

“Someday.” It was a hard thing to admit. She’d never admitted that before, that someday she might need to become someone else, and she didn’t know where she would find the strength to do that. She was weak. It was what she’d always been told. She was this way because she wasn’t strong enough to be anything else. “When I figure it all out.”

“What’s ‘it’?”

“I’m still figuring that out.”

Jake took her hand and squeezed and Rose squeezed him back desperately.

“You’re the first real person I’ve ever met,” Rose confessed.

“What do you mean by real?”

Rose turned her head to find that Jake was already looking at her. “You are exactly who you say you are. You’ve never pretended that you were anyone different. It’s a rare quality.”

“Rose ...”

“I’m glad you found me that morning,” Rose interrupted, her heart suddenly beating too fast, in a way that she wasn’t familiar with. It wasn’t a chemical high but, perhaps, an emotional one. “I’m better because of you.”

“I’m better because of you too,” Jake said, and Rose smiled at the ceiling.

If I run out of oxygen?

When I run away to Mars

Jake wasn’t sure what to think when he met Heather. Rose had a lot to say about her twin, often spitting venom about how she was their parents’ golden child and she acted like it. She said Heather was annoying and perfect and everyone always loved Heather better. Rose had turned to Jake with wide-eyes and begged Jake to promise that he was still going to like Rose better, even after meeting Heather. And, of course, Jake had promised her because, no matter what, he was going to like Rose best.

Now, he, Spud, and Trixie were sitting at a restaurant that was just one step above a fast food restaurant, waiting for the arrival of Rose and Heather.

“Why do we have to be here?” Trixie asked.

“Because Rose doesn’t have normal friends.”

Spud snickered. “Right, we’re the normal friends.”

“I think he’s right and that’s just sad,” Trixie said.

“She’s getting better,” Jake insisted. “She’s taking way less of everything and she’s not just passing her classes she’s actually doing pretty well in some of them!”

Trixie held up her hand. “Save it. I thought you were supposed to be convincing the twin to not put Rose into a crate and ship her back to Hong Kong.”

“Yeah, also that.”

Jake jumped to his feet when Rose walked into the restaurant, her twin gliding along behind her. For a split second, Jake took in the both of them, and quickly compared the two of them. Heather definitely looked healthier than Rose, who still bordered on skeletal. Heather’s hair was just as long as Rose’s but was pinned back in a careful updo that made her look like a business professional at eighteen. The fact that she was wearing a lavender sweater suit didn’t help the image at all.

“Rose,” Jake said, giving her a kiss on her cheek, the way that she always did. She wasn’t shaking like a leaf which meant she’d found something to curb her desires, but her eyes were reasonably bright and clear, and her breath just smelt of coffee.

“Jake, this is my twin, Heather. Heather, this is Jake, and his best friends, Spud and Trixie.”

Heather didn’t seem nearly as snobbish as Rose had let Jake to believe, despite the initial image she presented. She happily introduced herself to everyone and didn’t even seem to mind squeezing onto the end of a booth

“How did you all meet?” Heather asked.

“Oh, Spud, Trixie, and I have known each other forever,” Jake said. “Rose and I just met almost two months ago.”

“He picked me up out of a dumpster,” Rose said, her voice full of acid.

“That’s not true,” Jake said. “It was just an alley in New York. Rose got a little turned around.”

From the way that Heather was looking at him, Jake thought that she thought he was lying, but it wasn’t as if he could tell Heather the whole truth.

“Good that you found someone who would actually help you,” Heather said to Rose. “You know how dangerous the city is.”

“Well, I haven’t been left for dead or kidnapped or sold off to the highest bidder yet!” Rose snapped and she slammed her hands down on the table, surprising Trixie and Spud, but Jake and Heather barely blinked. “I need a cigarette.”

Rose grabbed her purse and stormed off.

“I should go after her,” Jake said, jumping to his feet, but Heather’s hand shot out and caught his wrist.

“Stay, Jake,” she begged, in a voice that was so much like Rose’s. “Is she okay? Really?”

“She hates that you’re here,” Jake confessed, sitting back down and shaking Heather off. He didn’t want to know what Rose would say if she saw them touching. “She’s doing so much better, even since I first met her. She’s really trying. I don’t know what happened before - she won’t talk about it - but I’m worried that you being here is going to make her spiral.”

Heather closed her eyes and Jake could see that she was fighting down tears.

“I’m sorry that hurts.”

“It’s what I expected,” Heather said, with an awkward laugh. “She’s always hated us. Well, hates isn’t the right word. She’s always had this other world in her head and I don’t think she ever properly trusted us. I don’t think our parents helped much, either.”

“We’re going to go check on Rose,” Trixie said suddenly, grabbing Spud’s arm. “I think you two need a moment.”

“Thanks,” Jake said, and, even before they were gone, he asked Heather, “why didn’t you parents help? Were they abusive or -”

“No!” Heather interrupted. “God, no. They’re just not warm and fuzzy people. Very academic and not in touch with their own emotions. I took after them but Rose always felt too much, all the time. They sent her to psychologists and doctors and psychiatrists and they prescribed her therapy and medications, one after the other, but nothing ever helped.”

“Why did she need all that?” Jake asked. “What made her an addict?”

“Probably the doctors and the meds,” Heather confessed. “And us. For not believing her. She thinks we think that she’s crazy and we’re trying to fix her and she doesn’t want to be fixed.”

“I don’t understand.”

Heather took a deep breath. “From a young age, Rose always thought that she was someone else. And not in the way that other kids play pretend. She really believed that she wasn’t raised by our parents and that she was actually much older. She believed so strongly in the existence of the supernatural and would look for it absolutely everywhere. We’d be walking down the street in Hong Kong and she’d say something like ‘that’s a messenger fairy, did you see her?’. My parents were pretty no nonsense. We didn’t even get to believe in Santa Clause. She grew up always hearing that she was wrong. No one entertained her and she withdrew and I was too young to realize what was happening when it was happening. I have a lot of regrets about that but I worry that our relationship is too far gone and that if I push her, she could just be lost to us forever. I don’t know if she sees that other world when she’s using or if using makes her forget every world - you’d have to ask her. She certainly won’t talk to me about anything.”

“Fuck.”

Jake’s head spun. His wish hadn’t worked, not in the right way. She hadn’t gotten what she’d wanted and what she needed. If what Heather was saying was true, there was a part of Rose that remembered the Huntsgirl and everything that entailed. It made Jake wonder why she’d never asked about the dragon she’d first seen in the alleyway. It made Jake realize that there was so much about Rose that he didn’t know.

“I’m glad she’s doing better. Our parents didn’t think she would, so far away from home, but I think they were suffocating her too much. I just ... She’s my twin, Jake, my only sibling. I don’t want our family to get a call one day that she took too much and she was with a group of stupid friends who left her to die.”

“I don’t want that either,” Jake assured Heather. “I really care about her. I really ... I really just want what’s best for her.”

“She’s lucky to have found you,” Heather said, and she reached across the table to squeeze Jake’s hand. “She needs more people in her life like you.”

“And you too,” Jake said. “She needs someone like you too, okay? We’ll work on bringing you two together.”

Heather broke out into a relieved smile. “Thank you.”

I can’t tell which way's home

I’ve been gone for so long

Rose was glad when she put Heather back onto a plane and hoped that she never saw her twin sister again. She wished that she could just block her family’s numbers and disappear into the fog. The fog always seemed like something that would be comforting to disappear into. It was something that she liked about the east coast and the fact that she was usually up until all hours. The fog was very common, if one knew where to look for it.

Rose left the airport, thinking that she’d gone above and beyond in her sisterly duties by even dropping Heather off. Heather had done nothing but nag at her from the moment she’d arrived until the moment she left. Rose knew that she was supposed to be better now but seeing Heather had left her so empty that she needed something to fill her back up and put life into her.

Rose called Jake but he didn’t answer and she tried not to wonder what he was doing.

There was so much that she didn’t know about him. They had made no promises to one another.

It still stung when he didn’t answer the phone, however.

Rose went to the nearest dingy bar and flashed her ID at the bartender, even though he didn’t even bother to look at it.

“Long Island Iced Tea,” Rose said.

“That kind of day, eh?”

Rose thought that this bar was built for people who were having that kind of day but she just nodded. It wasn’t as if she was the only one in here, either. There were already guys playing pool in the corner, two girls who clearly hadn’t stopped from the night before in the corner making the most noise, and a guy at the end of the bar who was staring at her. Rose ignored him, reading him as the old creep that he definitely was. She might have issues but she didn’t have the daddy issues that would cause her to hook up in a dirty bar bathroom with a pot-bellied, old enough to be her grandfather skeeze. That, she could proudly say, she had never done.

She drank three Long Island Iced Teas.

“No more,” the bartender said, “unless I see you eat some food.”

“You have food?”

“I have hash browns.”

“Fine,” Rose said, “I’ll eat some hash browns.”

Rose, however, wasn’t above using her sexuality to get what she wanted, and she guessed that her boobs were out enough because her she got her fourth Long Island before she got her hash browns, which she dutifully picked at whenever the bar tender watched her.

The man at the end of the bar was steadily moving closer to her, sliding one stool over every time he ostensibly got up to go to the washroom, until he was sitting right next to her. Rose drained her Long Island.

“Another?” the bartender asked.

“She’ll have another,” the old man said, and Rose just let it happen.

She was starting to feel the alcohol and it made her head loll and her fingers go numb. The world was starting to slip away and Rose was relieved. The world was so vile, sometimes, in the way that it left her behind. She dragged her phone out of her pocket but still she hadn’t heard from Jake and that just made her want to drink more. How was it that she hadn’t known him for very long and yet he was now a part of her soul? She wasn’t supposed to rely on anyone. And, yet, there was him, and he would be disappointed that she had ended up here, in this bar, before noon.

“You have a boyfriend?” the man asked.

Rose scoffed. “That’s not very original.”

She pulled her Long Island toward her, knowing that it was going to be her last. She had to get back to her dorm, after. She could drink what she had in there or she could sleep it off, either way, she had to get out of this bar. She sipped on the straw a little too forcefully, emptying the glass a little too fast.

“You look like a girl who wants to party,” the man tried again.

“I’ve never heard that one before either.”

The man touched her leg and Rose glanced down, about to break all of his fingers to get him off of her, when she noticed the baggie between his fingers. She covered his hand and slid the baggie into her own hand, recognizing it immediately.

“Is that what I think it is?” Rose asked.

“I’ll call you Snow White,” the man said.

“You want to party with me?” Rose asked.

“I want to party with you,” he said with a lecherous look. 

Rose finished off her drink and hopped from her barstool. “Thanks!”

And she ran for the door before he could realize that he had her bill and she had his drugs. She ran onto the street and kept running, even though she felt like she was going to fall down, even though she wasn’t an athlete, even though she was sure to get herself lost. She ran until she was sure that her heart and lungs were going to explode and leave her in a billion pieces and then she calmly took a cab back to her dorm room.

Rose let herself into her messy little space and sat down at her desk. She put the baggie of cocaine onto her desk next to her half-full tequila bottle and stared at the two, wondering what she was doing.

Why was she even trying when she always ended up here? She was destined to be here.

Rose took out her phone and called Jake again, thinking that he could help her make it different. He seemed to want to help her. She needed to shatter the barrier in her that she had built and open herself up to being completely honest with him and she needed to let it hurt when he was completely honest with her, but she could do it. With him, at least, she thought that she could do it.

“You have reached the voicemail box of Jake Long. Please leave your message after the tone.”

Rose unscrewed the top of the tequila bottle and took a glug, waiting for the long beep.

“Jake? I ... I just wanted to hear your voice. I just think that yours is the voice I always want to hear. This world always gets away from me but then you’re here. I don’t know where you came from.” Rose felt tears slip down her cheeks and she wasn’t sure when the last time she cried was. Pain was the price of honesty and Rose had never done well with pain. “I think that you’re someone that I could have loved. Don’t you think so?”

Rose took another drink of the bottle and then realized that she had nothing else to say. He hadn’t answered the phone. She was all alone and the walls were closing in.

Rose hung up the phone and tossed it away from her. She clung tightly to the tequila bottle like it could be a savior to her but the answers she was looking for weren’t going to be found in the bottom of the bottle. If the bottle had ever helped her, Rose would have never started taking drugs.

She took the baggie of cocaine. It was more than she’d ever taken before and she took cocaine so very rarely. Still, she knew what to do with it.

She knew what she wanted to do with it.

It’s an empty world

Up here

Jake kept level with his grandfather, watching the city slip by below him. There was nothing going on today and Jake wished that he was doing anything else rather than following Gramps around on patrol but Gramps said that he’d been neglecting his duties in the last few months and that he needed to prove that he was still playing an active role. Jake didn’t feel like he’d been neglecting his duties at all - he was still responding to every cry of help that he heard, making regular visits to the people, circling around the city as he flew from place to place. But, Jake also hadn’t told Gramps about Rose, keeping her a secret between he and his friends. He knew what Gramps would say about Rose and the way that she was now and Jake just wasn’t ready to hear about it.

Besides, he didn’t have much of a choice. Fu was holding his cell phone hostage until Gramps gave the order for Fu to give it back to Jake. Jake would rather fly around the city with Gramps for a few hours rather than spend a couple of days without his cell phone.

Finally, Gramps signaled for them to descend.

“Jake, you need to be more aware of who you are and the way that your absence impacts others,” Gramps said.

“Gramps, I am aware of how I impact others,” Jake assured him. “I promise.”

“I trust you,” Gramps said, taking Jake’s cell phone from Fu and handing it back to Jake. “Don’t let me down.”

“I won’t,” Jake promised. “I promise.”

Jake grabbed his phone out of Gramps’ hand and took to the air as he checked his notifications. There were a bunch of things from Trixie and Spud and Jake just swiped those away, knowing that they would be mostly memes and he could check them any time. He had two missed calls from Rose and then, surprisingly, a voicemail.

Jake called her back but didn’t get an answer, which made him nervous. He angled his wings so that he would start heading toward campus. He checked the voicemail and became even more nervous.

“Jake? I ... I just wanted to hear your voice. I just think that yours is the voice I always want to hear. This world always gets away from me but then you’re here. I don’t know where you came from. I think that you’re someone that I could have loved. Don’t you think so?”

Jake waited to hear more but there was just the clank of the bottle in the background and then Rose’s voice cut out. Jake flapped his wings faster and called Rose again and again but never got a response. He dropped into his usual transformation spot on campus and booked it toward Rose’s room, hoping that she would answer her phone. Rose was usually pretty good about answering her phone, especially when it was him, but he was haunted by the tone she had in her voicemail.

Jake let himself into her dorm room and ran up the stairs, hammering on her room.

“Rose? Rose!? Answer the door!”

She didn’t answer the door. With one flick of his dragon claw, Jake had the door unlocked and he threw it open.

Rose lay on floor, a tequila bottle empty at her side, the remains of white powder on her desk. Jake dropped to his knees at her side. There as vomit around her mouth and her breathing was too shallow, but she was breathing. Her heart was beating.

Hands shaking, Jake grabbed his phone and called 911, crying as he said, “You have to hurry, I think my friend is dying!”

I skip stones and wonder

How long till I'm discovered?

Rose felt like she was floating. It was everything that she’d ever wanted. To be free. To float. To tumble around and not think.

Everything was blackness. Everything was quiet.

For the first time in her life, Rose felt peace.

It’s a quiet life

Up here

The lights of the waiting room were way too bright as Jake paced around. He hadn’t heard a single thing about Rose yet. She’d been taken to get her stomach pumped but then she’d started to seize and that was the last thing that Jake had heard. He watched the clock. He’d managed to catch Heather on her layover to tell her what had happened and now Rose’s whole family was on their way. Jake didn’t know what was going to happen when they landed and he was so afraid that their very present was going to hurt Rose.

He saw Heather first, rushing into the waiting room and spotting him.

“Jake, what’s going on?” Heather asked.

“I just found her like that,” Jake said, “it was awful. She looked ... i thought she was going to die in my arms, Heather.”

Jake felt himself breaking down and he told himself to pull it together. He couldn’t be doing this when he looked at Rose’s parents and tried to explain to him that he had really thought that she was getting better. She had really seemed to be turning into someone else, someone who wanted to try. 

“She’s going to be fine, Jake. She’s going to have to be. I can’t -”

“Heather,” a woman said.

Jake looked up, seeing the woman who so resembled her daughters.

“Mom, Dad,” Heather said, “this is Rose’s friend, Jake. He found her.”

“You mean he gave her the drugs,” said Carl, Rose’s father.

“NO!”

“Dad!” Heather said. “I just spent three days with Rose and getting to know Jake. She -”

Melinda, Rose’s mother, held up her hand. “I’m going to go check on how my daughter’s doing.”

“Heather, go with your mother.”

Heather looked helplessly at Jake before she obediently followed her mother up to the information desk. Jake wished that he was standing up there with them, getting a full progress report, but he was left looking at Carl and evaluating the man in the same way that the man was sure to be evaluating him. Jake could see the hardness in the man, the logical brain over the emotional brain, that both twins had told him about, but he could also see the worry lines around Carl’s eyes. Those worry lines wouldn’t be there if he was as heartless as Rose claimed him to be, when she was on one of her benders.

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me you’re a fine, upstanding young man,” Carl said, and Jake was caught completely off-guard.

“I’m just -”

“Rose has never had good people in her life,” Carl said, 

“I was helping -”

“She never overdosed when she was in Hong Kong with us. You’re the only person we’ve heard her mention since she got here. And now she’s in the hospital and you’re the one to find her? I’ve been around the block a couple of times, kid, I’m not stupid.”

“I never said -”

“Get out of here, before you do anymore damage,” Carl said. “I don’t want you around her ever. I never want to see your face again.”

“I just want to know she’s all right! I just care about her!”

“Out. Before I call security.”

Jake looked over to Heather but she was staring down at her shoes, pointedly not looking at him. Jake knew better than to cause a scene in a hospital and, against his will, he turned and walked out of he hospital, but he didn’t go far. He sat down on a bench outside, hung his head between his legs, and cried. He cried in a great ugly way, the way that someone does when their heart is so broken they can’t breathe. The snot ran all over his face and the tears seemed to fly in all directions and Jake felt so shattered that, for a moment, he thought that this was how Rose must have felt, walking through her day to day, and he understood why she might feel like she wanted to fly apart.

His phone buzzed and Jake barely had the strength to look at it, knowing that it wasn’t going to be Rose, and knowing that he couldn’t stand Spud and Trixie’s merriment. 

Heather: she’s alive but critical. they didn’t know how the seizures affected her. They’re keeping her in a medically induced coma until her body has finished detoxing. They say it can take up to eight days.

Jake: And after 8 days?

Heather: We see if she even can wake up

Jake: I’m not what your parents think I am. I never got her drugs. I tried to help her.

Heather: I saw that she was better when I was there. I really did. I believe you that it was you. My parents aren’t going to.

Jake: I need to see her.

Heather: I’m sorry. They’ve told the security staff you’re a threat to her. This is what I meant. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they already have these ideas in their heads about what the right way to care is.

Jake: Will you text me updates?

Heather: Whenever I can.

Jake: Thanks.

Heather didn’t respond and Jake just stared at his phone, picking it back up to listen to Rose’s voicemail again.

“I think that you’re someone that I could have loved. Don’t you think so?”

Jake was never going to get that out of his mind. They had never labelled themselves as dating but Jake had felt everything about them went beyond labels like that. Every touch between them felt deeper. They had kissed a few times but the intimacy of her hand in his had been more than he could bear on most days. They were supposed to grow together, they were going to fall in love. It was what he had really believed, sitting across from her in the diner that very first morning. She had come back into his life because they were meant to be together.

Now, Jake was thinking that she’d come back into his life so that he could fix his mistakes, try and give her the life he’d been trying to give her the first time, and he’d fixed absolutely nothing.

Before my time runs out

What If I run away to Mars?

Rose was empty.

She felt like she was missing something and her floaty little world wasn’t what it had been. She didn’t know how long she had been here but the colours were muted compared to what they had been. She wasn’t flying as fast. She was slowing down.

In this pleasant little sphere of darkness, Rose was starting to feel aches. Not full on pain but she was worried that would come, and she wanted to go to where there was no pain, ever again. She wanted to escape.

She wanted to give into her deepest desire and just run.

She bounced from corner to corner of her darkness, looking for the way out, looking for somewhere to run.

Would you find me in the stars?

Would you miss me in the end

Jake: Will you come see me?

Heather: Where are you?

Jake: outside of the hospital

Heather: it’ll have to be quick, all right?

Jake: I promise.

He didn’t have to wait long for Heather to hurry out of the side entrance of the hospital.

“What is it?” Heather asked. “Nothing’s changed. She’s done detoxing. At least, her body is. The doctors say that her brain activity isn’t as strong as they’d like but there’s reason to believe that part of her is still in there. They still don’t know when she’s going to wake up.

“Will you give her this?” Jake asked, opening his palm and showing off the small pendent.

“What is it?” Heather asked, picking it up and studying it.

Jake wanted to tell her to be careful. That it had took a lot of maneuvering to get that in his possession. Instead, he tried to look nonchalant. “It’s a Chinese healing charm. My grandfather says it will help her. You just need to place it somewhere where it’s touching her skin and you need to be careful that it doesn’t end up with anyone else. It’s tailored for her.”

“What’s on it?” Heather asked. “Will it interfere with her medicines?”

Jake shook his head. “There’s like an incantation and a herb or two. It’s just a gemstone. It’s, uh, not something I ever really believed in, you know, but I figure if it’ll give Rose a chance, why not give her the chance?”

Heather went teary eyed. “Yeah, of course I’ll get it to her, Jake, thanks. And, I’m sorry that my parents won’t change their minds. You deserve to sit with her. You’re the reason she made it to the hospital in time at all. You’d think that would be enough.”

Jake shrugged. “When she wakes up and tells them the real story, they’ll have to apologize.”

“They’ll never apologize for anything,” Heather said. “I should go. I’ll get this to her as soon as I can.”

“Thanks,” Jake said, and he watched Heather disappear between the doors.

He hoped it worked.

If I run out of oxygen?

There was a light, coming into her darkness. Rose lethargically rolled over to face it. She was fading. The colours in her darkness were nearly gone and Rose could tell that it was nearly over. The darkness was going to become all encompassing and she hoped that it took all the aches with it. And gave her some water. Her throat hurt. She needed some water.

The light changed, taking on shapes and colours, until it become something recognizable.

“Jake,” Rose said, stretching her arms out toward him, “of course you’re here.”

Jake grabbed her arms and pulled her into a hug, filling her with such a warmth. Rose hadn’t realized how cold she’d been. She wrapped her whole body around him as he tucked his head in the crook of her neck and rocked her back and forth,

“You’re in here,” he said breathlessly. “I didn’t ... I was so worried that you wouldn’t be in here.”

“I don’t know where I am,” Rose said, “but I’m tired of being here. I’m tired all around. I’ve been trying to nap but there’s been no way to sleep. I’m tired, Jake.”

“You can’t be tired, Rose. This is your head, you’re in a coma, and you’re going to die if you give up!”

Rose let go of Jake and backed away, reaching out in all directions. In her own head? No, that didn’t make any sense. She wasn’t a fully formed little being inside of her own head. And if she was inside of her own head -

“How are you here?” she asked Jake. “Are you not real? You’re just a figment of my imagination?”

“I gave Heather a dream charm to give you,” Jake said. “I have the other half so I could come and visit you.”

Rose snorted. “That’s crazy. That’s so crazy.”

“No crazier than the fact that the first time you saw me, I was a dragon,”

Rose froze. “What?”

She thought she’d been drugged up and hallucinating. There were no such things as dragons, outside of the fairytales that her mother refused to read her. Her parents had been very firm about her fantasies, as had all of her doctors. They weren’t real. She was just a girl and her name was Rose Dawson and she’d never been anyone else, no matter what that voice in the back of her head told her, no matter what flashbacks she’d claimed to have. It was all just a part of her overactive imagination.

“There’s a lot I haven’t told you,” Jake said, “and I need to tell you everything, now.”

“Like what?”

“But you need to tell me something first.”

“What?”

Rose felt the need to pace, feeling more alive than she hadn’t in a very long time.

“Were you trying to overdose and die?”

Rose shook her head. “I was trying to not feel. I’m always trying not to feel. Do you know what it’s like, to have your parents start medicating you at, like five, because you’re not like other children? Some of those doctors weren’t very nice. And some of those medications just made me feel worse but I wasn’t spouting nonsense and my parents preferred me that way. They think I was built to be this way, you know?”

“No, you’re not.”

“That’s what they think. They never tried to save me, they just wrote me off! I started being this way to get their attention. I went off all the meds they prescribed to me and they basically treated me like I didn’t exist because I kept talking about things that didn’t exist! And then I started drinking. What would your mother have done if you had shown up blackout at thirteen?”

“Kicked my ass and grounded me, for the rest of my life.”

“Mine left me to sleep it off on the lawn. Wouldn’t even let me inside.” Rose clenched her fists. “How was I ever supposed to be normal? There’s always been this thing inside of me that’s wanted to be the total opposite of everything around me. It’s wanted to fight and run and I don’t know how to handle everything! I don’t even understand it!”

“Rose!”

Jake took her hand and Rose realized that she was heaving for breath.

“Let me help you understand it.”

Rose nodded and she sat down, cross-legged across from him. With their hands clenched together, Jake began to tell her a story.

A story of a girl named Rose Hunter.

When I run away to Mars

Jake watched Rose nervously, not sure what Rose was thinking, and then a tear slipped down Rose’s cheek, and Jake was quick to catch it with his thumb.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“It’s relief,” Rose said. “It’s ... I feel whole. There are two people inside of me. There is a world of magic out there. Everything I’ve ever been called crazy for and drugged against my will for, everything my family ever wrote me off for - and I was right! I wasn’t crazy!”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before,” Jake said. “I thought I was protecting you by not telling you but I don’t get to make that decision for you and I’m sorry that I did.”

“I understand but don’t ever do it again.”

“I won’t,” Jake promised, and took a chance to smile at her. She smiled back and Jake felt himself falling even more in love.

She watched him for a moment and then she asked, “So, what happens now?”

“You’re being given a new start. You’ve detoxed. You can leave all the demons behind and figure out who you want to be.”

“I don’t know who that is.”

“Well, you can tell your parents to stuff it but I think you need to give Heather a fairer shake.”

Rose nodded. “Yeah, I guess it’s not fair I lumped her in with my parents, eh?”

“Probably not.” Jake kissed her forehead. “Whatever you decide, Rose, know that you’ve got me? Know that I’m here for you and I’m never going to let you down again.”

“I know. Thank you, Jake, for everything.”

“Please, just, wake up, okay? We can figure everything out as long as you wake up.”

Rose pulled Jake into him, giving him a kiss that was both hopeful and bittersweet, and Jake didn’t know what to make of it. He kissed her back desperately, his hands tangled in her hair, holding on to her for as long as he could.

Until he woke up in his own bed.

Three, two, one, I miss you

I’m sorry, I got issues

Rose woke up in the hospital, feeling like a person that she didn’t know. She struggled to sit up as her room flooded with nurses, her parents being pushed to the back of the room. She ignored her mother and father as the medical professionals did their job of poking and prodding at her and, instead, watched her sister. She hadn’t decided what to do about her family yet but she’d been given a new lease on life - Jake was right. She could do whatever she wanted.

“Rose,” her mother said, when Rose had been declared stable and not at risk, “how are you feeling?”

“You should go back to Hong Kong,” Rose said. “I don’t think we need to have a relationship right now.”

“Rose,” her father said, “we flew all this way to see you.”

“Our relationship is very broken,” Rose said, trying to sound diplomatic. Her parents never listened when she said what she felt. “I cannot heal with you here. We can work on repairing it at a later date but I think you’re going to be detrimental to my recovery.”

“You’ve never had a recovery in your life,” her father said. “You never stay clean.”

“Jake will help me. I was doing a lot better with Jake to help me. I have someone to rely on. A sponsor.”

“The boy who found you?” her mother said. “Good lot of good he did.”

“I’m asking you to leave,” Rose said firmly. “We aren’t helping one another.”

“If that’s why you want,” her father said.

Rose tried not to deflate. She’d been hoping for more of a fight from them but it was what she’d been expecting.

They all turned to leave.

“Heather?” Heather turned and Rose could see the hope on her face. She reached out her hand toward her twin, the first time she could remember doing so. “I was hoping you would stay with me. At least for a while.”

Heather reached out and took Rose’s hand. “I would love to. For as long as you want. I just want you to be okay.”

“I want us to be sisters again,” Rose said. “I want to start trying right now.”

Heather leant over the bed and pulled Rose into a fight hug.

“We’ve always been sisters,” Heather promised her. “We’re always going to be sisters.”

“Thank you.”

What If I run away to Mars?

Would you find me in the stars?

Rose popped the bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling cider, watching the cork fly somewhere in the kitchen. Heather rolled her eyes at Rose’s messiness and went to fetch it while Rose filled glasses with the cider, handing one to Spud, Trixie, Jake, Heather, and leaving the last one for herself. When Heather picked up her glass, Rose cleared her throat.

“Thank you all for being here today,” Rose said, even though here was just Rose’s and Heather’s apartment, where they often were. “One year ago today, I woke up from a coma. For one year, I have been completely sober. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I know that without the support of each and every one of you, I wouldn’t have made it. I know that I wasn’t always the best person to any of you.” Here she looked at Heather. “I know that some of us didn’t get off on the right foot.” Here she looked at Trixie and Spud. “But I want you all to know how much I love you all.” Here she looked at Jake. “I want to thank you for the nights I called you at ungodly hours because I was going to lose my mind and you picked up. I want to thank you for the distractions you offered. And, I want to thank you all for being a part of my life, because I’m so grateful to be a part of yours. If it weren’t for you, I probably wouldn’t be standing at all today, let alone standing here happy and healthy. So, to you.”

Rose raised her glass.

“To Rose!” Jake said, lifting his.

“To sobriety!” Heather said.

They all clinked glasses and Rose sipped the apple cider, not wishing that it was alcoholic. Not missing the way that she’d feel after a bottle of tequila. This was her life now and she was so glad that her life wasn’t anything else.

“I’m very proud of you,” Jake said, wrapping his arm around her waist.

“I’m proud of me too,” Rose confessed. “I never thought that I would be proud of myself. Hell, I never thought I would even be sober for a whole minute let alone a whole year!”

Jake kissed her cheek and Rose felt warmed all over.

“It’s only going to get better from here,” Jake said.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Does that mean you’re going to dance with me?” Rose asked,

She knew exactly what Jake was going to do and she was already laughing as he put their glasses down and took her hands, pulling her into his living room. He pulled her in close, even though the song that Trixie had picked definitely wasn’t a slow dancing song.

“I’ll always dancing with you,” Jake said. “Till the end of time.”

“You promised me forever.”

“Then I’ll dance with you past the end of time,” Jake vowed.

And then he kissed her and Rose could feel how much he loved her.

Would you miss me in the end

If I run out of oxygen?

Jake took Rose’s hand and pulled her along. They raced through cobblestone streets in a world that they didn’t know. They darted under the nearest awning, wrapping their arms around one another as the rain poured down outside. Her long blonde hair stuck to the sides of her face and Jake flicked the blue streaks off the back of her light pink dress in case they stained it.

“The sun was just out!” Rose laughed.

“Well, Paris decided that it was time to rain!” Jake retorted. “What now?”

He could see a café down the street where they could run for refuge. They were only a few minutes from their hotel where they could see if they’d brought better clothes for it. He watched Rose ponder and then she jumped out from under the awning, into the downpour.

“What are you doing?” Jake asked.

“Feeling it!” Rose said and she spun out into the rain, her dress billowing out before it got too wet and then it stuck to her thighs. She leant her head back and Jake watched the rain drops make their way down her face, across her collarbones, and under the neckline of her dress. He stood for a moment and just appreciated the image of her. The healthy pink glow of her cheeks and the way that he couldn’t count every bone in her body. She looked truly happy as she lifted her head to look him in the eyes and made a come hither gesture to him,

Ten years ago,  Jake had found her in an alley, drinking vodka straight out of the bottle, like it was what normal people did. Since then, their entire world had changed. Rose, and eventually Heather, had cut their parents off nearly completely, except for birthday and Christmas wishes that mostly went through Heather. They had tried family therapies but their parents weren’t willing to change and Rose had confided to Jake that they were going to drive her to drink, and that had been the end of their interactions. Heather had been married for two years now with twin daughters of her own and Jake and Rose made the trip up to see them in Massachusetts at least once a month. Trixie and Spud kept ribbing Jake about when he was going to propose to Rose but Jake wasn’t in a hurry and neither was Rose.

For now, they were pouring everything into travelling. Laying in bed one night, Rose had admitted to Jake that she was feeling unsettled and Jake had been filled with an old fear, wondering what she was missing, but when she said she wanted to see Stonehenge and drink coffee in Ethiopia, and go to the top of the Eiffel Tower, he had relaxed, because he could do all of that for her.

Jake joined Rose in the rain and took her hand, not caring if they looked like tourists, just enjoying that they had this moment together and thinking about the many more moments they were going to have together.

“I love you,” Jake said, spinning Rose, and thinking that she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.

“How much?” Rose asked.

“More than anyone in the world loves anyone else,” Jake said.

Rose grabbed him by the front of his shirt. “That’s how much I love you.”

And then she kissed him.

When I run away to Mars

[leysendris]

Pandora’s Box

Summary: A few months after the BAaT program was closed, the scientist Dr. Petersen and his assistant are looking for biotic talents to continue their research and the further development of their implants on their own. It is in the midst of a slum that they finally seem to find what they are looking for. They don't know they're about to open Pandora's box.

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Strong Language, Drug use (smoking to be exactly. Just to stay on the safe side)

You can also read it on AO3: Pandora’s Box: Chapter 1

German OV: Pandoras Box: Kapitel 1

Chapter 1: The Ghost Fox

"That's not a good idea, that's not a good idea at all... We should go back to the lab, we should..."

  "Stop whining Andrej!" Dr. Petersen rebuked his lamenting assistant and cast a scowl over his shoulder. The man was a whiner and even worse, a scientist without any real ambitions or even visions!

  He himself had both and in addition he was not afraid of setbacks. Unfortunately, scientists who thought this way were rare these days... And so, after the annoying outcome of the BAaT program, unfortunately Andrej was the only one left at his side to continue working on improving human biotics. Or at least to work on it with all necessary means. The other researchers had ducked their heads in like scolded children, had either stopped their work altogether or had switched to institutions whose approach was "ethically impeccable".

  Pah, what a joke! Had Louis Pasteur's successes been demonized because he had tested his rabies vaccine on a young boy? Had the car been banned because the fuel developed by Thomas Midgley had some annoying side effects? No, progress had been celebrated and humanity had risen step by step with its successes!

  This kind of visionary thinking was what drove him. And that's why he just ruined his shoes in the mud of a slum, while he and his whining assistant followed a hired petty criminal through the winding alleys and almost melted under the scorching sun of South Africa.

 He didn't want to think too much about what this filth was made up of, it hadn't rained here for months, and so he couldn't prevent his face from warping in disgust.

Petersen could see the snide grin on their "guides" face from the corner of his eye, but he ignored it deliberately. He didn't care what Jeb thought of them, if that even was his real name. His job was to guide them safely through this shithole and keep the local gangs off their backs. So far, he had fulfilled this task to their satisfaction and hopefully it would remain so. Nevertheless, Petersen got the feeling that he was going to lure them into a trap the deeper they entered the slum.

  "How far along is it?" he asked, trying not to let his concern show.

  "What's the matter, professor, is it getting too exhausting for you? Or are you afraid that I might set you up in a trap?" Jeb asked, before letting out a really unpleasant laugh. "Relax, I want the rest of my pay too. And we're almost there."

  Petersen spared himself the trouble of pointing out that he was not a "professor" and took a deep breath instead. Which he immediately regretted considering the stink in this place. All in the name of progress he intoned in silence. All in the name of progress.....

  “This way!" Jeb gave them a wave to indicate that they should follow him as he forced himself through a narrow passageway leading into something that, with much good will, could be called a backyard. And there was finally the reason for their being here.

  Petersen returned the glancing look that the woman in front of them threw at him while she was pulling on a cigarette.

No, the girl he corrected, she was probably younger than she seemed. Sixteen, maybe seventeen years in age?

He didn't know exactly what he was expecting, but she didn't correspond to any of the imaginations he had. She wore a vest that left her sinewy arms uncovered, worn jeans and boots that looked sturdy enough to kick someone's skull in, even though her small, slightly skinny figure didn't seem to have the physical strength for something like that. But what stood out most about her were her snow-white hair and the piercing gaze.

   "What the fuck, Jeb? You promised me a great deal, and now you're bringing in two candy-asses? They don't look like you can squeeze out a lot for them anywhere..." she growled as she blew out a cloud of smoke and stared at the two scientists further out of steel-grey eyes.

Petersen continued to inspect her with great interest and unimpressed by her behaviour. If the hair colour was caused by albinism? No, even though her skin was unusually pale, especially for this climate, the thick black eyebrows and the colour of her eyes spoke against it. A pronounced form of vitiligo, perhaps...

  "Chill out Ghost Fox." Jeb commented and raised his hands as if to calm her down with the gesture. "I'm just the footboy, the gentlemen are the ones who want to make you an offer." He stepped back a few steps as if to let Dr. Petersen take the lead. Either that or he simply tried to get out of the danger zone…

    He had no doubt noticed, just like the doctor, that the air around their interlocutor seemed to be slightly flickering and her eyes appeared to be glowing blue, which made the name "Ghost Fox" seem rather fitting. So they hadn't come here for nothing, the girl was indeed a biotic. A little old for their purposes, but that was the lot of science. You had to work with the unfavourable circumstances you were confronted with.

    The girl took another puff from her cigarette, took a look at the almost smoked-up stub and flicked it into the dirt before she looked at Dr. Petersen again.

“Then start talking, I don't like wasting my time," snorted the “Ghost Fox" as Jeb had called her, while she pulled a crumpled box  from her trousers, took out another cigarette and a lighter and lit it up before the box went back into her pants.

    "Well, Miss..." Petersen took a short break, but "Miss" didn't seem to see any reason to give him a name. She just kept looking at him with that piercing glare as she puffed at her cigarette.

 Alright, he would be able to cope with that, too.

" I am Doctor Petersen and this is my assistant Andrej, we are scientists. We research the human biotic. The abilities of which you have no doubt already noticed to possess them as well. We want to study these abilities and for this we need the participation of biotics. Like you."

      The girl seemed to be thinking about what he had said while she slowly exhaled a waft of smoke. "Sounds lovely. What's in it for me?"

    Of course... He had hardly expected that a street kid would be interested in the progress of human civilization in any way, let alone want to make a contribution to it without ulterior motives. But he had also considered that.

  “The skills you can use at the moment are uncontrolled, you can only use a fraction of your resources. In the course of our research, we would like to install you an implant that canalizes your biotics and makes them usable to a completely new degree. You can learn to guide them to move objects of several tons of weight, you can create shields, shock waves... and we are just at the beginning of our research, there can be so many more possibilities!"

  Petersen had really talked himself into a frenzy, he was almost glowing with thirst for action. It was this euphoria for the research that Andrej had always admired so much about his superior and why he still stood loyal to him. But despite all the euphoria about having found another potential research object.... he could not help it, this woman's gaze send an ice-cold shiver down his spine.....

    The girl's gaze turned from the scientists to Jeb, who waited in the background, his arms crossed above his chest.

  "And what's in it for you?" she asked with a short nod and the thug grinned broadly. "A pretty nice commission." he replyed.

She nodded again, seemed to think briefly and then looked back at the doctor. "I'll get twice as much as he does, and we have a deal."

    Dr. Petersen didn't seem happy to squander their already tight research budget, but he hesitated only for a moment before he also nodded. "Agreed."

  "Well, wonderful, then let's go." With a pleased smile she got up, flipped off the second smoked cigarette and followed Jeb out of the alley, with Petersen and Andrei hurrying to follow them.

    The way back seemed to be much shorter, now that they knew how long it was, and both scientists took the opportunity to take a closer look at their surroundings this time. Both of them repeatedly noticed people who looked curiously at them, but then hurriedly scurried away. But neither Jeb nor their still nameless probationer seemed to be worried about it in any way.

However, Dr. Petersen and Andrei could not deny that they were beyond relieved when they finally managed to get out of the winding alleys and into their car before they paid Jeb out. The thug had fulfilled his task and both scientists were happy to get rid of him.

    After the unpleasant hike, the way to their temporary laboratory in one of the outskirts of the city seemed like only a stone's throw away and Andrej breathed a sigh of relief as he steered the car into the garage. His boss, on the other hand, seemed restless. He was so full of work zeal , he  couldn't get out of the car fast enough.

Their companion, on the other hand, seemed... almost impassive. No, that was the wrong word, but Andrej couldn't really put a finger on it. She didn't seem nervous or worried, not even excited. She looked around calmly but attentively as she followed Dr. Petersen into the research area.

    The surgical area they had set up in the back of the building was probably barely meeting the minimum requirements in a provisional field hospital. But as the doctor liked to say, you have to play the hand you’re dealt.

But even this makeshift operating room didn't seem to worry her. Maybe she hid her concern, but she also hid it well. As a street kid, the girl was probably used to have to demonstrate strength at all times in order not to appear as an easy target.

  Dr. Petersen already walked through the room with long strides and threw his gown over, as he switched on various devices. “Good good, best we start directly. As already mentioned, we will insert an implant into your neck, which, simply put, bundles your biotic forces and makes them usable. Andrej, prepare the surgical instruments and anesthesia!”

  Andrei looked uncertainly at his superior. "Doctor..." he said quietly. "Shouldn't we at least tell her about the risks..."

  “Fiddlesticks!” Petersen harshly interrupted his assistant. “Why don't you look at that girl? As soon as I wave some cash she doesn't care about the risks, even if I waste time explaining them to her! Now do your job!”

    Andrej nodded, although he was not comfortable hiding the possible risks from the young woman. The operation itself was already critical, not to mention the fact that the new implant they had developed had hardly been tested so far. It was more than questionable whether or not they had been able to eradicate the errors of the L2 series by now, but to be sure of that, these new implants had to be tried out of course.

As he turned around to perform his tasks, his gaze crossed with that of the girl. She still had this piercing look which made his neck instantly tingling again.... He could have sworn to recognize a spark of anger in it, but the doctor drew her attention to himself and Andrej lost eye contact before he could be sure.

    "Well, Miss... Ghost Fox? You don't really have another name, it seems a little inconvenient to me."

  "If Ghost Fox is too long, it's Vixen." she replied with a shrug.

  Peterson's lips curled up in amusement. Vixen instead of Ghost Fox, how... original.

"Well, Miss Vixen, please take off your vest and lie face down on the operating table," he instructed his probationer.

  She followed his request and threw the vest onto a chair, without any sign of shame or embarrassment, even though she wore nothing else under it. While Andrei shamefully turned away his gaze, What a scientist!, Petersen took the opportunity to assess the physical condition of his new research subject.

  She was skinnier than he had suspected under the vest, the pointy, barely developed breasts did not do much to distract from the well visible ribs, let alone the numerous bruises and scars. Her malnutrition was unpleasant, thus she would lack the necessary energy to fully exploit her biotics, but it also had the pleasant side effect that her puberty had obviously been delayed.

  The time of transplantation had always been crucial to the effectiveness of the implants. An implant inserted before or as early as possible during puberty was integrated into the brain during its restructuring and was able to connect with the nervous system much better than those inserted after puberty. So hopefully they would still be able to achieve a good result, given her level of development.

  If Vixen misinterpreted his examination as sexual interest, she seemed at least not to mind it while lying down on the operating table. While Dr. Petersen was still disinfecting his hands and putting on gloves, Andrej placed a tray with surgical instruments and the implant next to the table.

  "Just relax," the doctor said, addressing Vixen, while Andrej put the respiratory mask on her and initiated the anesthesia. He could hardly wait to get to work while she slowly drifted into unconsciousness.

 ____________________________________________

Vixen had no idea how long she had been out when she slowly woke up again. She felt as if she was wrapped in cotton wool and it took a while before the pain was noticeable, although only faintly.

Carefully sitting up she touched her throat. It was tightly bandaged and she hissed silently as she moved a hand across her neck. The wound felt strange, like something was stuck in it.

  "The implant, I guess."

The feeling was not exactly pleasant, but also nothing she couldn't get used to. As long as it kept the promises that these scientists had made to her. She wanted to test her biotics, these new forces that this implant was supposed to bring to her, but she still felt so hazy... yet she tried to use her biotics to carry out this kind of "control" that these men had promised her. She tried to lift a glass container at the other end of the room, but nothing happened.

  "Ah, I see you've woken up,"

Vixen sat up as Dr. Petersen and his appendix entered the room.

While the assistant tipped eagerly on a data pad, Petersen examined her with satisfaction.

The complacency the doctor exuded like a foul smell annoyed Vixen.

But she was even more annoyed by the fact that the promised control over her abilities had not been realised.

"You said I could control my powers now," the woman growled while she got out of bed. Only casually she realized that her upper body was now in a wide white shirt and she was barefoot.

  "I said the implant would allow you to gain control of your abilities." Petersen corrected her. "Of course, this doesn't just happen with a snap of the finger. But don't worry, in the course of our studies you will learn how to use different techniques. And now lie down again, your circulation still needs to get used to the new flow of energy."

  Vixen didn't even think about following his request and she could see how he frowned angrily about it. "That's not the way I imagined it... And besides, you still owe me my money." she growled and walked up and down in front of them.

  "You'll get your money - after our tests have been completed," Petersen replied with increasing anger. "And now lie down again!"

  "I'm getting my money now. And shit on the tests,"Vixen countered and returned the scientist's dark gaze.

She did not miss it at all as his little sycophant tried to circle her and drawed something out of his pocket. A syringe!

She held her gaze further on Petersen, she was experienced in keeping an eye out of the corners of her eyes on people who wanted to fall in her back, and waited.

It was almost too easy. The guy obviously wasn't very skilled in sneaking up on someone. Vixen had let him come close to her almost up to arm length before she swirled around and unleashed her biotics with an energetic gesture of her hand.

  Except her biotics didn't emanate from her this time as usual in an uncontrolled flare.

Instead, the man was caught by a bundled shockwave and hurled against the wall. Vixen was puzzled for a moment when he sank to the ground and lay motionlessly there. This effect she would never have expected in her life... and she loved it!

  Behind the Biotic, Dr. Petersen cussed suppressed. He should have taken Andrej's warnings about the uncontrollability of a tramp like her more seriously.... He rushed to a laboratory table with some scalpels on top of other utensils and reached for one of the razor-sharp blades. She was not yet used to using her new abilities and would probably need a few moments to unleash another attack. During this time he could... Petersen froze, the scalpel in his hand as he turned back to her.

    Vixen hadn't moved a single step, just turned around her own axis to look at him directly. She just stood there, completely relaxed and with a wolfish grin on her face. She didn't miss the knife in his hand, but she didn't see it as a threat. When the doctor raised the blade threateningly in her direction she just laughed up with amusement.

So he wanted to play. Well, that was just fine with her.

  Vixen leisurely left her position and circled around the scientist in a wide arc, intending to cut off his way through the door while he tried to keep her in check with the raised scalpel.

Vixen's hunting instinct was awakened and she was curious to see if she could produce more of these biotic attacks. Her hand flew up high and the energy shock caused a cabinet behind Petersen to bounce up into the air and crash into the ground, clattering. The man jumped to the side like a frightened gazelle and looked at her with eyes the size of a plate. Oh, she would definitely have a lot of fun with him.

    The two of them circled each other like huntress and prey. If she had wanted it, the doctor would have been already as dead as his assistant, but perhaps he was still useful for her alive. She might try to squeeze some more information out of him. A few bank accounts perhaps or more information about this implant and how she could make the best use of it....

    Time and again, she chased the increasingly frightened scientist through the office with small feints and biotic attacks and pushed him further and further towards the wall. As much as she enjoyed the little hunt, sooner or later the cat got tired of playing with the mouse.

She just drove the scientist against a flipped cupboard as her leg got caught in something.

    Vixen looked surprised at the floor, down at Andrej, who clutched her leg with both arms.

The little wretch was still alive?

It was just a short distraction, but it was enough for Vixen to notice the approaching scalpel a little too late.

She knocked Petersen's arm to the side and so prevented him from slitting her throat. But instead of running into nothing, the sharp blade ran across her face and cut her left eye. Vixen screamed, more out of anger than pain, and unleashed another shockwave.

  The effect was by far not as impressive as she had hoped. Instead of a concentrated attack, she released the energy only uncontrolled. The scientist was not thrown against the wall, as she had managed to do with Andrej, but instead slithered relatively harmlessly over the floor.

    Vixen gave the assistant, who was still clinging to her leg, an angry kick before she followed Dr. Petersen. The scientist had dropped the scalpel due to her biotic blow and just started to get up again, his gaze fluttered panicily over the ground in search of the scalpel.

He discovered it and poked forward, but Vixen was faster. Just as he was about to close his hand around the metal handle, her knee crashed on his wrist and he cried out in agony.

    "Tseseses. Is that a way to deal with your patients, doctor?"

  Vixen took the scalpel with a smile and turned it slowly in her hand. It was hard to believe that the woman had the blood running over her face as relaxed as she appeared. Petersen was aware that her pain sensation was very limited at the moment due to the medication she was given, but still. He had cut her eye in half, and she acted like it was nothing!

    The doctor tried to get his hand free, but Vixen just shifted her weight a little and increased the pressure on his wrist even more.

"A pretty sharp knife." She stated matter-of-factly. "But such a tiny blade... and the handle lays awful in the hand. How easily such a thing slips.” With an almost casual movement, she placed the blade on his temple and pulled it in an arch down to his chin. The cut was not deep, but painful enough for the doctor to cry out.

Vixen grinned with satisfaction and turned the scalpel in her hand. "Very well, I think we have now clarified our positions. So let's get back to the beginning of this conversation. My payment. You probably don't have the credits just lying around here being the smart men that you are. So what is it then? Safe? Bank accounts? I'd rather have cash, but I would take the bank details, too."

  Almost playfully she let the scalpel wander over his neck with the blunt side down while she was talking.

Petersen's thoughts were racing. That crazy fury would kill him as soon as she had what she wanted. Somehow he had to convince her that he was more valuable to her alive.....

  The cold metal pressed harder against his neck. She would just have to turn the handle a little bit, and the blade would cut him into the flesh...

"Don't think about how to screw me over," she hissed. "Where's your money, I won't ask you again!"

  "In the safe! Bottom of that big closet! But it is voice controlled, only I can open it," the doctor quickly exclaimed as the scalpel already began to cut into his flesh.

    Vixen sighed theatrically. Ah crap... She'd rather have a safe with a fingerprint or an iris scan. Then she would have just stabbed the guy and dragged his body to the closet. Or just the part of his body in question. Once again she threateningly increased the pressure on his wrist before she got up in a smooth movement.

    Petersen arose tremblingly and rubbed his hand while he kept a close eye on her. He had really been fooled by her scraggy appearance. That wasn't a street kid, that was a predator.

  "C' mon now. I don't have all day." Vixen pointed to the wardrobe with the scalpel in her hand and the doctor hurried up and stumbled over to the wardrobe.

He had not lied, there was indeed a safe in the cupboard, to which he bent down and pressed the recording button.

"Einstein." he croaked.

"Voice sample not recognized." echoed the monotonous computer voice of the safe.

Petersen cast a fearful gaze over his shoulder to Vixen, who teetered her foot with displayed impatience. He quickly cleared his throat and tried again with caught voice.

„Einstein!“

This time a small diode on the safe glowed green.

"Voice sample recognized."

The mechanism had just unlocked when Petersen opened the safes door. His hand was already on the handle of the gun, which he kept in it when his head was brutally torn back at his hair.

  "Nice try."

  The scalpel cut through flesh and muscles without any effort as she pulled the blade over his throat. She shoved him to the ground, carelessly stepping over the still twitching body without being bothered by the gurgling noises the doctor made in the agony of death. The scalpel was dropped unmindfully to the ground and she wiped her bloodied hand on her pants while squatting down to look at the contents of the safe.

  The pistol was a treat, but now, with her new abilities, the rest of the safe was even more interesting for her. She indeed found some bundles of credits and stacks of data pads. Most of it she carelessly threw aside. She couldn't even write her own name, what was she going to do with all the words? But in between, she noticed some illustrated instructions. Not excessively meaningful and the accompanying explanatory texts couldn't make any sense to her again, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to play around with them.

  She grabbed what she could use from the safe and just wanted to look for valuables in the rest of the lab when something caught her attention.

  "You little fucker are still alive..."

Vixen strolled unhurriedly over to Andrei who squirmed on the floor, moaning slightly in pain. Coming closer, she pulled her face disgusted and took care not to step into the spreading puddle in which he lay. He had wet himself, how pathetic...

  Vixen squatted next to his head and looked at the assistant with a thought sunken expression. Cutting his throat like his boss would of course be the easiest and most obvious way to finish him off. But for that she would have to get up again and go for a scalpel....

Once again test her biotic powers and crush him definitively on the wall?

No. She noticed that the use of these abilities exhausted her, and it seemed like a waste of her newly gained power to squander it on an adult man who pissed himself like an infant.

  She also didn't wanted to use the pistol she had pushed into her trouser waistband. Shots were widely heard and she wanted to be able to sift through the laboratory in peace and quiet to find usable material.

  So the only thing left was... She put her hands around Andrej's neck and started squeezing. The scientist wriggled in an attempt to free himself, but his resistance could hardly be taken seriously. Vixen calmly watched his face turn blue and his movements fade away until he finally ended up completely silent.

  Granted, a strangled dead man wasn't a pretty sight, his face turned blue and bloated, his tongue hanging out of his mouth like a fat maggot, his eyes wide open... But Vixen loved this feeling of power when she squeezed someone's life out of his body. It was so much more... personal killing someone this way than just shooting or stabbing him.

And that look when her prey realized that she would be the last thing they ever saw.

  Vixen sighed with pleasure. In those moments, she was God to her victims and it was an intoxicating feeling.

She remained seated for a few moments and enjoyed the euphoric atmosphere before she got up again and began to rummage through the rest of the lab.

  Vixen had the feeling that her life had taken a new turn and the implant in her neck seemed to be humming, as if it was just as eager as she to use this newly acquired power to finally leave this shithole that her previous life had been.

[andorandrook]

Hellion

since some of you guys like my writing I thought I might as well share with you the first part of a non-fanfic story that I wrote in the summer. it’s unfinished and is likely to never be finished but if you’re curious, give it a read and please tell me what you think!

The journey to work that day was as uninteresting as usual.

My blaring alarm had woken me with just the right amount of time to shower and dress myself but not enough for breakfast so I grabbed an apple to eat while I walked. It was bitter, unpleasantly soft and the crunch of it between my teeth felt so loud and like physical attack on my already pounding head. I let it fall from my hand to the grimy pavement after just a couple of bites. However much I wished I could just leave it at that I knew I’d need energy for later.

The shop I stopped at was just down my street; the sort of flickeringly lit, messily stocked place that never closes and never has anything you’d truly want to buy. At this evening hour any decent shop would be closed so in a way I was lucky to live in convenient distance. The door was a little stiff and rattled when I opened it, causing the bored-looking shopkeeper to look up and recognise me. He didn’t know my name, I’d never said a word to him but he clearly didn’t get regular customers as consistent as me. I’d never stolen anything and yet his eyes still followed me warily around the shelves as if I looked like the type. I should feel insulted, in all honesty. I didn’t.

I grabbed some trashy cereal bar, a bottle of water and some chewing gum. When I went up to the desk to pay my eyes lingered longingly on the packeted cigarettes behind. My throat twitched with the urge, how easy it would be to ask for some. I didn’t.

The cereal bar was my usual brand but in my haste I had bought a different flavour than usual. It was sticky to the touch and cloyingly sweet with bits of fruit scattered in it. Not great. Better than that apple though.

I waited at the bus stop for the last trip of the day, precariously balanced on one of those useless benches used to stop anyone sleeping on them. A cat startled across the street in my direction and proceeded to rub its side against my leg, marking it with the scent of its hideously patched fur. I kicked it away.

The bus journey was similarly uneventful. I listened to music and determinedly ignored to scant few other passengers traveling at this time. I watched the street lamps go past through the smudged, scratched glass and the rhythmic passing off the light almost sent me to sleep before my stop. I was jerked back into the present by the hissing of the breaks and stumble down the aisle off the bus.

A few minutes more walking and I approached what appears from the outside to be some kind of abandoned industrial building. It was a little early for people to start arriving but a few patrons have gathered already in the concrete courtyard outside. I nodded to them in greeting, glad that they didn’t recognise me with the hood of my jumper pull down over my head. I quickly made it round the back to the ‘tradesman’s entrance’. There was a keypad and intercom system next to an unremarkable door, dwarfed by the scale of the building. I press the button to request entrance. It crackled with static.

“Hey, it’s Ryan,” I spoke at the wall. I received only silence and static as a response. “Ryan Benton.” Still nothing. I sighed. “Hellion.”

“Oh right, sorry man, come in,” the intercom voice muttered and the door clicked open.

I had thought the stage name had sounded cool at the time I had chosen it, when I was just starting out aged seventeen. Now I had to force myself to say it, wincing at how childish it sounded. Inside the building was dry and oddly warm as I closed the door. I was accustomed to this, however, simply shrugging my hooded jumper off as I climbed the staircase and ran my fingertip over the exposed brick. It came away grossly covered with dust and dirt. I promptly wiped it on my trousers before entering the first door on the left.

“Ah, Ryan, I’m so glad you’re early!” Julia exclaimed as I attempted to enter without causing a fuss. She grinned at me, an uncommonly genuine smile for her, and ushered me back out of the door.

Julia Lund had been my ‘manager’ from pretty much the beginning. A plump women that I would have placed at around thirty-five with permanently pursed lips and dirty blond hair scraped back tightly into a ponytail, she had been almost a mother-figure to me since she took me on. There were better managers around, of course, and I did not stick with her out of a sense of loyalty; I liked that she spoke frankly without embellishment or euphemism, I liked that she was one of the few people I knew who were shorter than me. Most of all I liked that she was unemotional, uncompassionate and ruthless. That was how to succeed in this kind of industry.

“I’m not early,” I shrugged, glancing at my watch.

“Well, I’m glad you’re not late, then,” she snapped. “Anyway, I have a surprise for you today, kid.”

“A...good surprise?”

“I hope you’ll think so. She’s very expensive so you’d better like her,” she laughed, though there was certainly an undercurrent of threat. She gestured for us to descend the staircase I’d just climbed, to my mild annoyance, but then kept going down. However much I personally disliked the basement layers of the building, I knew better than to argue with Julia, instead meekly following her down. The heat only seemed to increase as we reached the desired floor. When Julia opened the door labeled ‘Storage 6’ I was immediately enveloped in a wave of moist air heavy with the scent of animal and metallic tang of blood. I took a breath, ran my fingers through my hair, and followed her inside.

Each cage was a three meters cube, bulletproof plastic mesh supported by thick steel bars. There were about twenty cages in this one room; one room of dozens more underneath the main complex. On each cage was the name of the agency it belonged to and occasionally other specifications. In each cage were the animals.

I didn’t spare a glance the the dead-eyed creatures as I walked past and they didn’t care to look at us. There were larger animals, wolves and lions and bears, alone in their confines whilst the smaller beasts shared two or three to a cage. Each one made no reaction to our presence.

We stopped at the cage furthest from the entrance to the room, labeled with the logo of Julia’s agency. Julia was more careful than most with her creatures, each one being securely locked away to prevent anyone stealing these valuable animals. She quickly typed in a code and the cage door clicked open. Neither of us had to duck to get inside.

The animal inside was lying down, head lolled to one side and eyes staring blankly ahead. She was huge; stretched out she could easily have touched both walls of her enclosure. Not elegant in the slightest, she was of a stocky build, her head a squat jumble of features with wide set eyes in an unappealing shade of yellow. Beauty wasn’t an issue, however, when it was clear how much power was held in those thick muscles that heaved with every breath, mouth opening to reveal a mouth of sharp teeth and wide tongue.

“What is she?” I asked, keeping my distance but squatting down so I could look closer.

“A tileguaress,” she stated. I raised my brow and she sighed impatiently. “A hybrid. A lion had a baby with a tiger and that baby then had a baby with a jaguar. Or it might’ve been the other way round.”

Now that she had explained her parentage, I could see where the animal got her looks. The body shape very much resembled a lion with its stout build and oversized head.. The colouring was that of a melanistic jaguar, a panther as it is known; dark grey-black fur, thick and dense, spotted with faded rosettes that become clearer on the lighter coloured belly. Her tiger heritage was expressed primarily in her enormous size, but also with larger paws and a flatter snout on what would otherwise be a jaguar-like head.

“It doesn’t matter either way,” Julia continued. “She’s fast, she’s strong and, more importantly, she’s yours.”

My head snapped round to face her, grin already spreading on my face. Mine.

I looked back at the animal and noticed now that the right ear was incomplete, a roughly semi-circular hole in the shape of a bite mark had been cut from the edge, relatively recently if the red rawness of the flesh was a good indicator. That’s my mark. That means she’s mine.

“Well...what do you think?” Julia pressed.

“She’s amazing. When do I get to try her out?”

“I’ve got you last slot tonight. It’s going to be the main event,” she grinned, clearly proud of herself. I hold her gaze, cynical causing her to shrug. “You don’t need any practise, you’ll be fine. Apparently she handles just like a tiger.”

“Can she roar?”

“You’ll have to find out,” she smirked.

I reached out as if to touch the animal’s face but instead brushed the metal device attached under her ear. It was one of the latest models, brand new by the looks of it, small and smooth enough that it could not get caught on anything. When it was switched on I knew the small light would pulse blue. It was newly installed, too, and just for a moment I allowed myself to wonder what this great beast was like before they fixed wires into her brain and dosed her up with chemicals to make her as placid and dumb as a baby.

Even though she stared blankly forward I still felt a flash of guilt when I looked into her eyes. It was gone in an instant and I stood, turning to the exit.

“You going to name her?”

I glanced at Julia, then back down to the undisturbed creature. “Maybe. If she lasts the week.”

“She’d better. I spent good money on that thing, you’d better not get her killed until I’ve reaped my investment five times over at a minimum,” Julia said sternly as we exited the cage. “I’ll give you manageable opponents.”

I scoffed. “Who are we against later?”

“One of Hauxwell’s lot; a lion, I think.”

“Do you reckon we’re up to it?”

Julia locked that cage but stayed peering through the mesh. “Look at her, Ryan.”

I do. I see muscles and teeth and claws and a single torn ear. Mine.

“You’re going to be just fine,” she reassured and patted me on the shoulder.

We walked back up the seemingly endless staircases in silence. I struggled to keep up with her brisk pace, struggled to keep my breathing shallow to not let her realise how absurdly drained I was after just one flight of stairs. The blood in my head seemed to constrict my brain with pulsing pressure. It hurt.

When we reached the main office belonging to Julia it had gotten a lot busier. The other pilots in the agency were lounging on sagging sofas whilst a few technician flitted around them. I made a move to go sit with them and rest for a while but Julia stopped me with an outstretched arm.

“Go get changed, Ryan. I want you in Prep in five minutes.”

“I thought you said I was on last!” I growled.

“You are. You’re also on first; starting and ending the show,” she smiled, this time with a certain savageness and insincerity. I huffed in irritation.  “The crowd loves you and don’t you dare try to kid me into thinking you don’t love being the star, the golden boy, the centre of attention.”

“Sorry, I guess it’s too much to hope for: a relaxed evening to prepare for piloting that new beast,” I sighed.

“Dream on, kid.”

I rolled my eyes and headed towards the door but my way was blocked.

“Poor little Ryan, is mummy making you work for a change?” the man said.

Marcus Heath. We were of a similar age though I was far more experienced having started nearly three years before him. Where I was small and slightly built, he towered over me and felt twice as wide, arms roped in burly muscles and legs like small trees. Most of the other pilots disliked me but only Marcus truly seemed to hate me. He loathed me for reasons I could not specify; perhaps it was jealousy of my adoration or my skill. I didn’t mind; he was large and brash, specialising in bears. He relied too heavily on the strength of his animals over his own skill and I knew that soon he would be tossed out of work like countless others that I had seen pass through.

I slipped past him quickly before he had a chance to react and scuttled from the room scowling. The next door over led to a small changing room with slightly battered lockers lining the wall. At the sight of one particular dent I was reminded of the pain in my skull that came from my head being slammed there after a particularly displeasing fight for my opponent. It had been easier to flee than fight back.

I opened my locker and found my outfit for the night newly washed and neatly hung up. A lot of the other pilots have fancy costumes that match their gimmicks; Julia had originally tried to force me into one until it became obvious that I would not compete properly unless I was comfortable. The clothes were still custom made but simple outfits that rotated throughout the week. I shrugged off my jeans and shirts and stuffed them in the bottom of the locker, pulling out my new clothes. Today’s outfit was one of my favourites; skintight black leggings with my signature blue flame pattern spiraling the lower leg and a loose sleeveless shirt with a ripped effect at the edges also in black. I pulled on the trousers and stood in front of the mirror in the corner of the room fiddling with my hair.

Julia insisted I keep it long to suit my ‘wild’ look but for practicalities sake we compromised on a shaggy style that still irritates at my eyes if I don’t style it. It’s dyed too, my natural near-black bleached white on the top layers so that that the pale and dark strands are mixed and contrasted. I would never have admitted that I thought it looked good even when I spiked it erratically with hair gel like I did then. After perfecting my hair I sighed and grudgingly took out some make-up. The audience could only see my face for a couple of minutes yet Julia still insisted on well above the bare minimum of stage make-up. Luckily, she also made the other pilots wear similar amounts so this was not yet another thing they could insult me with. The foundation made me somehow look paler than usual and the eyeliner was near impossible to apply steadily.

I was still standing in front of the mirror attempting a neat-enough line above my eye when their was a knock on the door quickly followed by the door opening.

“Sir, Ms Lund was just- oh,” interrupted the young technician who had been assigned for me for nearly a year now. He saw what I was doing and stuttered, eyes clearly noting my state of half-dress and cheeks turning spectacularly red. “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll come back when...when you’re-”

“It’s fine,” I assured him, smiling to settle his obvious nerves. The boy was always so skittery around me, as if he was constantly scared of my judgement or approval. I gestured at him with my head to come in . “What did she want?” “Oh, she wanted you to be in Prep already so she sent me to see what was taking so long.”

“I’m not late, am I?” I asked, confident until I glimpsed the clock in the corner of the room. “Oh shit, sorry. It’s this eyeliner, you see.” I gesticulated at my face with the pencil and ended up drawing a black line on my upper nose.

“Do you need some help?” he chuckled tentatively. I nodded, failing to suppress an embarrassed smile as I wiped the mark off with the back of my hand.

He took the pencil and faced me towards him, tilting my head up so he could see better. He instructed me alternately to close and open my eyes as he deftly applied some more marks and neatened the ones I had already made. When my eyes were open I could see him biting his lip in concentration, his big owl’s eyes blinking furiously behind thick-rimmed glasses. He looked proud but not smug when he asked for my approval of his handiwork.

“It’s your fault, you know,” I nudged him, only half joking. His brow furrowed. “Those drugs you fill me with; they’re what make my hands unsteady.”

“Maybe I should up your dosage. I thought I had it calculated perfectly but perhaps…” he trailed off.

He watched quietly whilst I slipped my shirt on and added the accessories; blue and black leather cuffs the cover most of my upper arms, matching coloured bracelets on my wrists and a necklace strung with feline teeth. No shoes because I liked to work in bare feet and it showed off my Julia-approved tattoos that spiraled across my ankles and feet. I would have liked to spend a couple of minutes more on adjusting my hair but I could see the kind-eyed technician fidgeting, clearly anxious to get going.

As we set off down the corridor I realized that despite working with me for nearly a year, I still didn’t know the boy’s name.

Once we reached the small, sterile room labeled ‘Preparation’, I was sat down as usual on the plasticky coated chair. It was like one you might find in a dentist's only upright and the arms were covered in ominous straps. He took my right arm and attached it in position before sliding the leather cuff down my arm, revealing the tattoo there.

It read, in a clean and official font, ‘Insert Needle Here’ below a small cross now riddled with tiny scars. That design and position was definitely not pre-approved of by Julia. She had been furious when she first saw it and was forced to adjust all of my outfits to cover it up, hence the arm-cuffs. I couldn’t understand why she was so angry; it wasn’t as if it wasn’t common knowledge that the pilots are dosed up on chemicals to enhance their ability to fight. I had got the tattoo done soon after this unknown-named technician was appointed because on the first few days he kept failing to find a vein on the first try. Facing Julia’s wrath was worth it to see the boy’s face when I next went into Prep.

He smiled reassuringly as he administered the first injection, accurate to the tattoo’s instruction. He muttered the names of some of the chemicals contained and their properties, as much for himself as for me. “This one is for better connectivity to the devices,” he gestured to the syringed once he’d taken it out, as if I didn’t go through this process daily. Theoretically anyone could be a pilot but without the correct additional chemicals in your system it would be difficult to control, the movements would be slow, jerky and awkward.

“This is to keep you calm,” he continued and I winced slightly as the liquid entered my arm. I used to look away, sickened by the procedure. Now, however, I’d barely feel a thing.

“”And this is for faster reflexes,” he concluded as he administered the final dose. “I think...perhaps this is what is causing the shaking. Your body has become almost dependent on it, requiring a higher dose to last you a full day.”

“Is there anything you can do about it?” I asked as I watched him carefully seal and dispose of the used syringes.

“I’m sure I can figure something out, Sir. Give me time to throw some calculations about and I’ll get back to you for tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” I smiled up at him, heartfelt. I knew that he was paid to work for me, to make me as comfortable and happy as possible, and yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was genuinely fond of me. He unstrapped my arm from the chair and I flexed it. I never had been fond of the dull ache that injections cause. I replaced the cuff over the minutely swollen skin.

“Have you still got a headache?”

I nodded. “It’s been on and off for about a month.”

“Did the gel help last time?”

“Yeah, maybe. Well, it can’t hurt to try,” I shrugged.

“Well, actually it could. Say you you were allergic to one of the ingredients then you might go into anaphylactic shock or get at least get a rash. Or if you overuse if you might become desensitised to the ingredient that-” he stopped after seeing my cynical expression. He tried to suppress an embarrassed laugh. “It can’t hurt to try.”

He produced a small vial and moved me to face him, holding my head still. With a finger of the grossly gelatinous substance he rubbed it into my temples. I closed my eyes and relaxed as the coolness of the gel bought minimal relief from the pounding in my temples.

“Is that any better?”

I forced my eyes open, a little annoyed at the interruption of the rhythmic smoothing of the  substance into my skin. “It’ll do. Has anyone told you what the specifications for the first fight today are?”

The technician hesitated. “You’ve both got felines. Medium-sized, I think. The opponent is one of Kaplan’s lot but I don’t know who. It shouldn’t be too straining, anyhow.” “How would you know?” I snapped. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

He glared, a moment standing defiant before he caved back to his normal pliant self. “No, you’re right. I don’t.”

I left the room quickly, feeling a little ridiculous that I had gotten so worked up over such a minor comment. Still, I both had too little time and was too stubborn to go back and apologise, instead heading to wait outside what the pilots had dubbed ‘Stage Door’. I leant against the wall with the intention of having a few minutes to myself. Of course that would never happen.

“Ryan, are you fully prepped for the fight?” Julia called as she trotted down the hallway towards me. “You look very flushed; did you put enough foundation on?”

She grabbed my face not roughly and tilted it. I rolled my eyes but let her examine the make-up my technician and I had applied earlier. She grunted in approval before letting go.

“Right, you’ll be piloting a cheetah first thing, the one you used to fight Marcelli’s hunting dog last week? You’re going against Kaplan’s Unbleached Claw.”

“Who?” I asked, trying to stifle a laugh at the ridiculousness of the name.

“Unbleached Claw? I don’t think you’ve fought her before, she’s relatively new. She’s one of those hippie ‘natural’ types who are all into keeping the animals as wild and pure as possible,” Julia dismissed, voice dripping with scorn.

“Sounds like she’s in the wrong business.”

“I agree,” she continued. “Anyway, you’ll be fighting her and her new snow leopard. Should be quite the opening match. Keep it quick, though, because we’ve got a lot of stuff to fit in tonight.”

I almost choked in surprise even though I wasn’t eating anything. “A snow leopard? I thought they were extinct.”

“Near as,” Julia shrugged it off. “Kaplan says some guys sold it to him wild-caught. Got no breeding behind it, no gene mods so it should be an easy win.”

“He sure it’s not just some painted-up jaguar?”

She laughed and waved it away, nudging me through the door and muttering whatever her version of ‘good luck’ was. As soon as the door’s seal broke, sound flooded the corridor. The horrendous clamour of near a thousand voices jabbering away, the clattering of their bodies and throats overlayed by the mechanically loudened announcing from the commentator’s voice. It felt like a physical agony in my head but it had to be done and so I stepped through the door into the Pod.

It was narrow and long, the half at the other end made entirely of glass save for the floor and empty save for a single chair. The half in which I stood was darkened with shadow and so I could hand back unseen by the crowd. Through the glass I could see that it was crowded tonight, the whole arena completely full of soon-to-be-drunk patrons chatting and shouting and arguing, a few of them listening to the night’s proceedings being announced. Above I could see the wealthier sponsors enjoying their fancy drinks in the spacious private booths that gave an excellent top-down view of the arena.

The walls at a level with me were lined with three other pods jutting out towards the centre of the vast room and in the one directly opposite I thought I could see the shape of my opponent hanging back in the dark like me, waiting patiently for the night to begin.

And it begun.

“...honoured to welcome our first pilots. In the East Pod we have....Hellion!”

A thunderous cheer swelled in the arena, a vibration felt deep in my core as I stepped into the light of the glass room. I grinned and gestured for more praise, psyching the crowd up for the fight. This was Hellion, not Ryan, and Hellion was loved for being arrogant and cocksure, not loathed for it. I padded round to in front of the chair, bare feet on the cool floor and once again beat my chest for approval in full view of the crowd.

“Against him in the West Pod we have...Unbleached Claw!”

Another swell of applause, though I noted smugly that it was not as loud or confident as mine, her name being less known or prestigious. My opponent slunk of the dark, a tall woman a little younger than me in a tight top and loose trouser that were a spectrum of pastel shades. Her hair was long and a natural brow that fell in waves to her waist. She smiled sweetly at the crowd but did not beg for their attention as she took her place in front of her own identical chair. She glared at me and tossed her hair back so that I caught a glimpse of the silvered rings adorning her ears, identical to the one through the side of her nose. I licked my lips and pressed my hands to the glass, smirking a little. She looked perhaps and little intimidated but remained firmly stoney-faced.

The announcer was prattling more details to the fight and I was setting up, taking the headset that was sitting on the chair and strapping it to my head. I kept the viso up for now but lowered the headphone speakers over my ears and made sure the entire device was secure, next fitting the controllers dangling for the sides from wires to my hand. They looked like simple black gloves and were lined with tiny sensors and wires, all reporting back to the main headset. I sat down on the chair and glanced up to see my opponent doing the same.

“How’s the crowd tonight?” a voice started up in my ear.

“Loud,” I complained.

It was one of Julia’s subordinates, a man named Odell. Julia often advised the fights herself but with the agency expanding she needed others to take over some of the time. I still felt a little twinge of bitterness that she couldn’t be bothered to help me out herself every time I heard someone else’s voice on the comms. Still, Odell was civil enough not to despise me openly so I didn’t overly mind.

Suddenly the audience’s screeching was gone, replaced with complete silence and the whirring of blood in my head. Everyday I muttered a short prayer to the guy who invented soundproof glass.

“Better?” Odell asked.

“Much appreciated,” I thanked him. “You’ll have to tell me what’s going on though. Can I start yet?”

“The commentator’s just talking about the creatures so I guess you should probably get going, yeah. I think that’s what that Claw girl is doing.”

I looked over to check and he was right, she had already pulled her visor down and was sitting tense in her seat.

“Okay, I’ll get on that then.”

I slid the visor screen down over my eyes, my vision turning to darkness. Not hearing or seeing anything was a little disconcerting but it soon ended as Odell continued in my ear.

“You ready?”

“Of course.”

“Brilliant. Booting up in three...two...one…”

To someone who has never been in two places at once it is near impossible to describe the feeling of opening your  second set of eyes, of standing up whilst you remain firmly seated, of yawning whilst your mouth is shut and stretching out your tail. I did all of those things and then looked about me, taking in the holding pen I had been lying asleep in. I could hear the rumbling of the crowd again through the door.

“How are you doing?”

“Seems normal,” I mused, knowing that everything my screen displays was being streamed back to where Odell is advising from. “Response with little to no delay time. Stats say all the vitals are fine, he’s fully recovered from last week.”

“Open the mouth.” I did. “And close.” I did that too. “Looks like we’re good to go. The hatch will open in approximately sixty seconds.”

I paced briefly, stretching my legs and warming the muscles. The wall on one side of the pen was a mirror, smudged and scratched but still clear enough to see my reflection. It would be a strange day when I could look into that mirror and my insides not lurch with surprise to see a creature that was certainly not me staring back. I took a few seconds to preen and admire my appearance.

I never liked piloting cheetahs. They’re too lithe to make proper fighting animals, their speed advantage rendered practically useless in the small confines of the arena. Still, even I had to admit that this particular specimen was impressive; selectively bred for size and muscle he cut an imposing figure. A king cheetah is a colour variant rather than a true subspecies,but still rare enough to make them more desired and more praised by the crowds. I tilted my head and to see the telltale blue flashing light on the metal device there as well as my signature bite-mark cut in his ear.

I should name him, I thought, staring at my reflection. If he survives, that is.

I started a little as the voice returned to my ears. It was always strange being so immersed that it felt like I was hearing the instruction through the animal’s ears rather than my own.

“Get ready, Hellion. Hatch opening in five seconds,” Odell informed me. I turned to face the door, simultaneously listening to the commentator introducing me and Odell counting down. “Four. Three. Two. One.”

I hadn’t realised how dim the holding pen was until the hatch lifted and glaring light split through the opening, causing me to reflexively flinch. A low grinding bass music was playing underneath the crowd noises as I stepped out onto the walkway, timing my steps to each thumping beat and prowling forward. I tossed my head from one side to the other, engaging the crowd. I leapt off the walkway and into the arena neatly, a large entrance and a drop of about half a metre. I heard the cage door slide down in place behind me.

I took a moment to survey my surroundings, having not bothered to check with my human eyes a few minutes earlier. The cage is the same as always; plastic mesh strong enough to withstand a blow from a polar bear but thin enough that it provided easy viewing. They configure the arena itself slightly differently for every fight. This time they had platforms jutting out at various levels, some unattainably out of reach, and one hanging to the centre of the arena maybe three metres in the air. I grumbled slightly at the inequity; cheetahs are terrible climbers. Any attempt by me to attempt to mount one of the higher platforms would lead to certain injury. Perhaps they felt she needed the advantage.

I stalked one circuit around the cage, pausing occasionally scuff my feet or bare my teeth at the crowd, no sound. Cheetahs are sinister enough animals when silent, lean and aggressive. They can’t roar, however, or growl or snort. The noises they produce range from not unlike a baby bird, to not unlike a kitten. Not particularly intimidating to say the least.

As I paced I made eye contact with and observed members of the crowd. A group of drunken men far richer than they looked who cheered when I bared my teeth at them; a couple, arms slung over one another, who looked mildly terrified; a lone man with a handkerchief covering the lower half of his face who made no reaction at all, even when I hissed directly at him.

After circling for the crowd, showing off the cheetah’s beautiful body in slick movements, I turned to the real audience. The camera.

The money made from this kind of sporting came almost entirely from the gambling industry. Whilst the crowd in view were wealthy, and those up on the balconies even richer, it was those sitting in the comfort of their country manors, apartments in city centre and other such opulent dwellings that brought in the real money. Millionaires betting thousands on their lucky favourite, billionaires betting millions on an outside chance and those with more money than someone could spend in a lifetime throwing half a city’s wealth away in one evening. All done through internet payments whilst they lounged on comfy sofas and watched the blood run red on their screens. It was all horrendously illegal, of course, but there was far too much money in it for it to ever be stopped by force.

I stared directly down the lens of the high-quality video camera, curled my lips back to reveal sharp fangs and hissed a little. I turned my head to let the harsh lighting shine off my rich coat and let them observe the layers of muscle underneath. The patrons knew me, of course, but they might not know the animal. I needed to show them this was a creature worth staking their fortunes on.

The commentator announced Unbleached Claw’s entry and I only just turned in time to see the creature hop gracefully down from the walkway. As is courtesy, I held back and simply paced, waiting for her to engage the audience. It was only fair that we both had a turn to win favour before the fighting began and also it gave me a little time to observe her.

The snow leopard herself was truly stunning, although at the same time smaller than expected. The creature was short and stockily built, entire body covered with thick silver-grey fur patterned with large irregular rosettes. Built for far colder temperatures than these. The fur around her head was so dense and fluffy that it entirely concealed the controlling device, adding to the ‘natural’ look that Julia had told me about. The only give-away that this was not a wild beast at all was the thick silver ring pierced through the side of her nose to match the pilot. That and the dead-eyed gaze that all piloted animals had; a vacant look that told of the external control and powerlessness of the body.

I watched as she leapt with ease onto one of the lower platforms, the body of a snow leopard being one built for climbing. My opponent clearly wasn’t one for pandering to the crowd, instead using this time to test out the new surroundings and exercise the vessel’s body. I noted with a certain smugness that her movements were on the whole far less graceful than mine, her comparatively little experience as a pilot making her a little awkward and jerky. Also she seemed to be slipping a little on the platforms as she jumped from one to another, suggesting they were perhaps not as much of an advantage as I had initially assumed.

Once she had scouted out the upper levels, she jumped deftly to the floor and faced me. I stood opposite her  on my side of the arena and nodded. The fight was beginning.

“You’re ready?” Odell asked for confirmation.

“Let’s get on with it.”

She chuffed at me and I bared my teeth. The fight had begun.

I spent only a few moments pacing before making the first strike, reminded of Julia’s words from earlier. Keep it quick. Using the cheetah’s ability to powerfully spring, I launched myself straight at the snow leopard, claws aiming at her head. She was quick enough to raise a paw to protect her face but not quick enough to dodge. I skittered to the side having gouged a deep mark on one of her front legs and a lesser scratch to her domed brow.

She tried a similar attack on me, a simple lunging leap. Her animal, however, was slower and gave me time to avoid the pounce entirely. She skidded past me and allowed me to twist and ram her against the cage wall. This exposed her belly which I proceeded to bite at, ripping deep as she squirmed to get away.

I saw this all through a screen on my visor, of course. These movements weren’t controlled by my muscles but by highly advanced electronics tracking the activity of my brain as well as subtle movements in my hands. And yet even without the pain or pressure feedback expected it still felt so real, so immediate. These claws were my own.

I let her go, failing to do any crucial damage at this angle and also realising that it was visually rather boring to keep her in one place. Anything to please the crowd. She sprung free and sooner than I could turn to follow her movements she sunk her teeth into my left haunch, using the wider jaw and longer teeth of a snow leopard to her advantage. Clearing away as quickly as I could, I hissed at her from a safe distance, irritated.

“Why the hell did you let her go?” Odell whined in his ear.

“It was a mistake,” I assured him. “What’s the damage like?”

It would take too much effort for me to read the blinking read text at the bottom of the screen that detailed injuries. I was far too busy fending off and delivering strikes with my foe, a rapid pace of scratching and hitting and gnashing.

“Minimal. No major blood supplies hit, muscles that were damaged are still functional. You’ll be fine, just be more careful next time.”

“Yes, sir,” I breathed sarcastically as I deftly avoided another blow to my side.

My eye caught on the shining of the metal hoop through the snow leopard’s nose. I pondered for a second, calculating the risk before deciding to go with my instinct, however sickening it is.

I lunged forward head first in an unnatural movement, bracing my claws against her shoulder and bending to hook one long tooth through the ring and shut my mouth. I distantly registered the crowd cheering as I began to drag the other creature by its nose whilst she struggled helplessly and lashed at my face. Now I had her caught I aimed my claws at her face, intending to inflict damage to her eyes or sensory organs. It was always an easy win to blind your opponent so that they could barely fight back.

I only managed one slash across her face before there was a great tugging and I was shocked to see her pull away from me. She had wrenched away so hard that it had ripped the ring out of the side of her nose, now gushing red. The snow leopard was whimpering presumably not under the pilot’s command, the animal inside crying out in pain through the layers of controls. She looked even more unsteady on her feet as she bounded away and onto an above platform, safe from further harm.

I spat out the ring and played with it in my claws whilst the crowd cheered me on. The piercing was her gimmick, similar to the way my animals have their ears cut, to make her more memorable. Hers could be used against  her, however, whilst mine was entirely harmless. I was reminded briefly of a pilot I once knew when I was first starting out who used to collar all his animals like pets. It was cute, sure, until I hooked my paws under it and used the collar to crush the wolf’s windpipe. It was a lesson poorly learned, however, and many have followed him in the pursuit of individuality.

The snow leopard was not running scared as I thought she might. Instead, she began stalking me from above, glaring down as she paced from one platform to another. It was unnerving because she looked like she was going to strike at any moment and I hated that she had this height advantage over me.

I looked up defiantly and chirped at her, the trill noise hoping to taunt her into action. It didn’t work and she continued circuiting above me, occasionally pausing to growl.

“What’s going on? Why isn’t she attacking?” Odell asked.

“The animal is in pain which makes it very difficult to pilot,” I stated, trying not to lose focus. “She’s trying to get the vessel back under control.”

“Can’t you go get her? Attack while she’s weak?”

“I’m in a cheetah, Odell. This animal is not meant for climbing; I’d likely end up more injured than she is,” I snapped, working off my irritation.

Which meant I wasn’t fully focussed a second later when the snow leopard leapt from the high platform.

She landed with full force on my back half and suddenly my screen was flashing an array of red as I fought her off. She had landed roughly and that had affected her too, enough for me to catch a claw on her eye before she could retreat back up high. I saw blood splattered on the concrete beneath me and could tell my animal was buckling unevenly as I tried to stand.

“Damage report!” I half-shouted.

“Left femur is splintered, hairline fracture to the pelvis, one of the lower ribs is cracked and three more suffering severe bruising. Internals seem fine, no major arteries hit but still serious damage to muscles nearing the hind legs,” Odell listed as I began an uneven pacing to assess the maneuverability of the broken body. “Sorry, Hellion. I don’t think you can win this one.”

“I can,” I hissed. “I can and I’m going to. She’s running half-blind now, it’s only so long until she make a mistake.”

The snow leopard was visibly struggling to traverse the platforms; her right eye was swollen shut and oozing blood and her paws were slipping, slick with blood. Her face was somewhat mangled with the addition of half the nose being ripped away causing the red to flow openly and soak the dense fur. She was, however, in better shape than my cheetah with all her limbs unbroken and only minor external injuries. She was chuffing loudly at me now and the audience were cheering, chanting for her to finish me off. She leapt around the outer ledges and then to the hanging platform in the middle.

She missed.

A combination of her newfound arrogance and the blood on her paws meant caused her to slip whilst jumping. She only landed half on the platform and scrabbled desperately with her paws, claws extended in a panicked attempt to reach safety.  Her hind legs and long tail were flailing, suspended in the air at the centre on the arena. My opportunity had arisen so quickly.

I dragged her down from her hanging position so fast and brutally that I heard her skull crack against the hard concrete. She still tried to bat me off but the resistance was weak, head and spine irreparably damaged by the fall. I leant down and she tried to snap at my head with the little strength left. I pushed her aside with one paw, holding her head back to gain full access to her exposed neck.

Such an amazing creature, a snow leopard. Near extinct, and effortlessly beautiful.

I bit out her throat.

The roar of the crowd was like a jet engine as it echoed around the arena, the great swell of noise amplified across every available surface. The body of the animal beneath me was still writhing even as her life was spewing in bursts through the torn flesh of her neck. I stood proud and accepted the applause of the crowd, front legs propped up on the snow leopard’s ribcage. I turned directly to the camera and once again bared my teeth, now red and dripping. I stayed there as the body twitched a little and blood gurgled out of its mouth, heart finally finished with beating.

“Well done,” Odell praised him. “That was nicely played. But we are on a tight schedule so…”

“I understand.”

I tried not to limp too much as I abandoned the body in the centre of the arena and exited the same way I got in. The hop up to the walkway was challenging and I had to take two attempts to scramble on properly.

“Hey, Odell?” I asked and he grunted in response. “Do you reckon they’ll kill him?”

“Your cheetah? No, the damage is repairable. He won’t be able to fight for a week or two but I’m pretty sure the patrons will want to see him back. Why do you ask?”

I hesitated, pausing over whether to admit my slight attachment to the animal, a tiny twinge of sentimentality. Weakness.

“No reason, just curious.” Once inside the holding pen I lay down in the corner, considerate as possible of the broken leg and other wounds, and closed the cheetah’s eyes.  “Unhook me.”

“Sure thing,” he affirmed. “Shutting down in three. Two. One.”

The engine-roar of the crowd silenced in an instant and everything was black. I enjoyed the peace for a moment before lifting the visor of the headgear and unstrapping the controllers. I stretched, my human muscles feeling stiff and awkward. I could have felt them the whole time I was piloting but I was concentrating hard enough for my brain to block most of my real body’s senses. I carefully place the headset on the chair and turn back to the audience.

They were clearly cheering wildly, excited by the first bloodshed of the night, although I couldn't hear them through the soundproof glass. I pounded my fists against the transparent barrier and grinned, egging on further praise. I could see the cameras down below and above, some carried by people, others operated on suspended wires, most pointed at me whilst  a few lingered on the mutilated corpse of the former snow leopard. I noted smugly that my opponent had already left, presumably enraged at her failure.

I didn’t wait for the cheering to die down before making my own exit, preferring to leave on a high with applause still filling the arena. As soon as I turned away it didn’t matter anyway as I couldn’t hear them in my sealed little Pod. I slunk off into the darkness and out the door.

There was no one waiting in the corridor to congratulate me. There never was. Instead I just glanced at the clock and worked out roughly how much time I had until my next fight, walking down the corridor to Julia’s main office. I was drained after that fight and, although I had only woken up a few hours earlier, I really needed to rest before my next fight. I looked longingly through the door of the main office at the comfy sofas, imagining curling up on the plush seats and sleeping soundly. That could not be a reality, however, not with Marcus and the other disdainful pilots littered across them or the bustle of the room. I considered going in to speak to Julia but she looked busy and I had very little to say to her.

I left, legs heavy, to try and find somewhere else to nap. It always felt as if my blood was saturated with grains of metal after a fight, weighing me down and making each movement sluggish and dull. I normally went straight home when I only had one fight and slept until my alarm woke me up the next evening. When I had two fights, which was happening with increasing frequency as Julia seemed to want to work me harder each passing day, there was little I could do to stay awake for the time in between.

After peering through several doors into rooms sterile and deserted or humming with people I found one further along the corridor that was labeled ‘Server Room’. I searched through my slightly fuzzy memory to see if I had any recollection of if I had been in here before and found nothing. The room wasn’t locked and so I slipped inside.

The room was small, made more compact by huge machinery against each wall that whirred and hummed quietly considering its bulk. It was dimmer than the corridor outside and lit with a flickering orange glow. Wires like hair follicles sprouted out in places to curl away behind other metal cubes whilst some parts were an array of blinking lights, red and green. It was much colder that the rest of the building, almost uncomfortably so, due to the steady breeze blowing through grates on the ceiling. The floor was cool and metallic when I ran my fingers over it, slumping down into a corner of coiled wiring, presumably spare as it did not seem to be attached to anything. It was chilly and solid but the nest of wires allowed me to tuck together and in moments I was unconscious.

As always, the sleep was heavy and consuming. No dreams, no thoughts at all until I was awoken by the door slamming open, a sound which resonated through the metal of the floor as physical vibration. My eyes snapped open and I saw a huge figure silhouetted in the doorway. I flinched as it stepped forward, only to lean back out the door and shout down the corridor. “Julia, I’ve found the runt you were looking for!”

I knew the voice and as my eyes focussed I could tell it was Marcus who had interrupted my doze. I growled, irritated at the use of the word ‘runt’ but otherwise I made no reaction. A woman’s voice shouted something indiscernible and Marcus entered the room and stepped towards me again. I tensed and backed up against the wall, noticing for the first time that someone had tucked a blanket around me whilst I was asleep, an act of kindness vaguely unsettling in its intimacy. I chose to ignore it for now, with more pressing matters to hand.

“What are you doing?” I practically squeaked as he came closer. He just rolled his eyes and grunted, dragging me up by my collar and shoving me into the corridor. With a firm, unfriendly hand on my shoulder he guided me down the hall in silence until we reached where Julia was fidgeting impatiently. Marcus pushed me roughly from the small of my back so I stumbled embarrassingly.

“Ryan! You are due in your pod in less than ten minutes. What the hell were you doing?”

“I-”

“I found him sleeping in the Server Room, all curled up like a baby animal,” Marcus spat and with fake concern added, “Julia, I’m not sure he’s alright in the head. I think maybe piloting from such a young age has turned his brain mushy.”

“That will be all, Marcus,” she dismissed coldly. He slunk away, grumbling and muttering under his breath. “I’m not happy with you, Ryan, but I don’t have time to complain. Quickly fix your hair and get checked over by your technician and be outside stagedoor in five minutes sharp.”

I nodded and jogged off to the changing room. It was again empty, allowing me to relax a little as I fished the jar of hair product from the tangle of clothes in my locker and haphazardly spiked the side the had been flattened from where it was resting on my arm. My makeup too was a little smudged and so i fixed that with a licked finger until both eyes looked roughly even. No time to hesitate I quickly left the room in search of my owly technician but he was already waiting outside the door.

“How are you doing, Sir?” he asked as he began poking at my sides, lifting my arms and clicking in from of my eyes.

“Less tired than I was.” “Yes, I heard you were having a nap,” he smiled at me, a hint of colour on his cheeks. “You look fine physically. How’s the head?”

“Better,” I said, although it wasn’t much.

We walked in companionable quiet to where the stagedoor was and he picked up my headset that was left there ready for the fight. He picked it up and adjusted a few things on the side, only occasionally glancing up at me, focussed on whatever he was doing. He handed me the headset.

“This should help,” he stuttered a little and smiled sheepishly. “I-I’ve adjusted some of the fitting so that it puts less pressure on sensitive parts of the skull, particularly around the ears.”

I nodded and looked cynical. “Go put this on the chair; I’m doing my entrance in about two minutes.”

“Certainly, Sir,” he complied and slipped through the door. I could see his face fall at the dismissal but I pretended not to notice, uncaring. He was back in a matter of seconds, eyes still bright and kind despite my brashness with him. It was somehow infuriating. “Haven’t you got something else to be getting on with?” I snapped.

“I guess so,” he hesitated. “If you’re sure that you are fine, that is.”

“Yes. I am.”

“Oh, okay.” He scurried down the corridor and out of sight and I sighed in the brief moment of quiet, dim audience sounds through the door. In my haste to be rid of the young technician I had forgotten to ask him any details about the fight but I was sure I could successfully manage it knowing just the basics.

I once again lurked in the dark back of the Pod when I first entered, just as the announcer began to introduce my opponent. I liked going second better but it it did little to take the edge off my dark mood. Perhaps it was being so abruptly woken or perhaps I was just nervous about the new beast. First time with a new creature always has potential to be tricky.

“For our final fight of the evening, in the West Pod we have Rex Terrae!”

Even my current resentment for seemingly everything could not stop me from grinning then. Rex had been piloting for almost as long as me, signing on with his agent Hauxwell a few moments after I contracted to Julia. I definitely wouldn’t call him a friend but we were fairly amicable, having sparred our animals frequently over the last five years. He would always greet me kindly and embrace me with intimidatingly affectionate bear-hugs. Whilst Julia and her agency were stationed permanently at this arena, many contractors like Hauxwell have taken to touring the smaller fighting rings across the world and so I haven’t seen Rex in a while.

He caught my eye during his entrance and smiled warmly at me, still waving to the crowd. He was very much into costuming, his Roman styling not overdone but obvious and effortlessly cool. It suited his name and his chosen creatures; all very traditional colosseum type animals.

“...Hellion!”

The roar of the crowd was notably louder than it had been at the beginning of the night, both from an increase in spectators and a brief popularity boost from the win of a good fight. I soaked it in and wallowed in it, cheering and encouraging them when a small group started chanting my name.

“Hello?” I asked into the microphone once I had sat down and set up the headgear and controllers. I noticed that the technician had marginally improved the comfort of the headset and felt a pang of guilt that soon eased.

“Hellion, at last you’ve decided to join us!” a voice replied with a thick Eastern accent.

“Rex? What are you doing on my comms?”

“He’s here to work with you,” Julia’s voice interrupted. “This is not going to be a fight per se, more of a showcase of the tileguaress and her talents. It will be obvious from the very beginning that Rex’s lion has no chance but you must let him fight back a little to show some skill before you finish him off.”

This sort of thing was rare, although not unheard of. Hauxwell and Julia often work together and seem friendly so it seems reasonable that they made some kind of deal together. No doubt Julia will pay for the expenses of the soon to be dead lion.

“But surely no one would bet against me?” I puzzled. Rex scoffed at how arrogant it sounded even though he understood what I meant.

“They haven’t if they have any sense; this is just to introduce her to the audience. Make a loss now to insure future gain.”

“And Rex is okay with this?”

“I get handsomely paid from it,” he affirmed and I could just imagine his wonky grin. “It seems to me I have to do less work than usual so I am not bothered.”

I chuckled, as ever amused by Rex’s nonchalance.

“Alright, kids, visors down,” Julia interrupted. I could understand to some extent her calling me ‘kid’ as she had known me since age seventeen and my looks haven't matured much since then but Rex every bit the late-twenties working man that he did. Still, it was better than ‘runt’.

I did as instructed and was mildly alarmed when the crowd noises that had been grounding me were cut off a few moments later, leaving me feeling suspended in the confined darkness. It only lasted a few seconds before the screen booted up, startling me.

“Julia, you’re supposed to count us in,” I grumbled, slowly orientating to living in a new head.

“We had already wasted enough time talking, it seemed stupid to spend any more,” she snapped back. “Rex, you’re used to this lion right?”

“I have used him a few times before, yes,” Rex confirmed and then, because he clearly didn’t understand Julia’s hint about time wasted chatting, added, “It seems such a shame to let him die, if I’m honest. He’s a noble beast; strong and-” “I’m opening your hatch. Go stir up the crowd a bit while Ryan gets himself in the zone.”

“Yessir,” he breathed grumpily and presumably did as instructed. His voice had that distracted tone common with all pilots during a fight; like they’re not really there at all, distant and struggling to keep under the mental pressure.

“How is she?” Julia asked me.

I didn’t know the answer, having only opened my eyes, and so I began to stand. It took a moment to wield the limbs correctly, the movement at first being uneven and heavy, and I faltered a couple of times in standing. “It feels like…” I answered. “Like she doesn’t want me in her head.”

The moment I said the words I knew them to be true; the feeling of pressure inside my skull, the way I had to fight for each movement. The only explanation was that the animal herself was attempting to reject me.

“Stop being so dramatic, Ryan. You have a maximum of three minutes to get her under control before showtime.”

“Fine,” I hissed through gritted teeth.

Julia explained her big plan  for a dramatic entrance whilst I half-listened and began pacing back and forth. The resistance in the animal seemed to be softening with time and before a minute had passed the movement felt almost natural, despite the ever presence of pressure inside my head. I couldn’t help grinning when I saw my reflection, the animal herself looking so much bigger and fiercer when upright and active as opposed to slumped dully in a corner. I unsheathed her claws and saw they were long and recently filed sharp, protruding from her overrsized tiger-paws. Her teeth when I opened her mouth were gleaming white fangs, contrast to the black of her fur and her eyes were the same goat-yellow that I had seen earlier. The muscles knotted across her body visibly rippled as I moved back and forth, tail swishing out randomly. I growled a little to test out her vocals but didn’t want to fully roar in case the audience could hear it over their cheering for Rex’s lion that was presumably already in the arena.

Fully prepared now, I spent the remaining minute staring intently at my reflection and running a claw along the metal casing of the device attached to the creature’s head. My real stomach began to twist a little with neves; the fight would be easy, I knew, but I had to do it perfectly, I had to make them love her.

No you don’t, idiot. Just let the beast speak for herself.

“Okay, kid, the hatch is opening in three seconds. Get ready and do exactly as I explained.”

I positioned myself as instructed facing the hatch and well back from the entrance as it opened. No light streamed through the gap, the audience bathed in darkness with only the dim glow of the holding pen to silhouette my figure as I very slowly approached the entrance. They hadn’t seen me yet and already the crowd were screaming wildly. I imagined how it would look to the cameras; the dark shape against the dark backdrop with only faint light to outline my stalking forward, eyes bright against my body and staring straight ahead. I stepped slowly, each pace measured and taking my time until my head was just out of the hatch and the audience quietened.

Suddenly I jumped forward, still in the dark, sprinting down the walkway only visible as a swift shadow. Seconds later I reached the cage and leapt down into it, lighting flashing on like the prelude to thunder.

And thunder it did as I opened my mouth and roared, showing all my glorious teeth. It was more the roar of a tiger than a lion; deep and guttural, explosive from the animal’s throat. The audience erupted into cheering as I stood proud only a moment before advancing toward the seemingly small lion before me.

I launched myself at him, knocking his body sideways against the concrete, claws piercing along his ribcage.

“Easy there, Hellion,” Rex complained in my ear. “We want this fight to last more than ten seconds.”

“Sorry,” I smirked, not meaning it a bit.

I did get off him though, allowing the creature the opportunity to stand up before I confronted him again with a series of sharp edged blows to the head and forelegs. The lion was roaring in response and striking out sporadically but they were easily brushed aside. Wearing him down was not taking very long and with occasional advice from Julia, Rex’s beast was soon pockmarked with bites and deep gashes, blood spilling freely onto the floor of the arena. The crowd were going crazy.

Whilst going in for another bite, Rex raised his paw and slashed across my face. Nothing was damaged, just a superficial wound to the cheek but even so I hisses and turned away. We began circling the cage, stalking each other carefully and I could see that Rex was already limping. An easy fight if ever there was one.

I roared again, this time at the crowd rather than my opponent. I looked over them as I circled, growling for their approval and showing off my creature’s impressive size and form. I caught eyes with the man I had seen earlier, the one with the covered face who made no reaction when I hissed at him. This time I could roar and I did so directly at him; he had the decency to flinch away and I thought I could see fear or at least awe in his visible eyes.

Distracted, Rex used this opportunity to charge at me from behind, leaping up and digging his claws into my back. I hit him away with some effort and he scampered back the the other side of the cage.

“Hey, that was hardly fair,” I complained at him.

“This whole fight isn’t fair. I needed to as least get one good attack in before you maul this poor lion to pieces.”

“Speaking of which,” Julia piped in. “I think it’s time we go in for the kill, hm?”

I frowned inside my visor. “We’ve only been fighting for five minutes,” I protested and heard Rex grunt in agreement.

“If we get this over with quickly it will reduce the damage caused to the tileguaress and it will leave the audience desperate to see more.”

Rex and I begrudgingly agreed that it was a good idea.

I turned to face him at least, and we squared off from opposite sides of the cage. The lion himself was not a bad specimen at all; larger than average with a thick dark mane running down to his belly and powerful limbs. Now, of course it was a patchwork of gashed and bitemarks, the tan fur matted with barely dried blood. One of the front legs was mangled badly enough to become almost useless.

I roared, he roared in response and then we leapt at each other. It was a colossal collision, the two great beasts wielding claws and teeth on hind legs in the hope of gaining a height advantage. A red display told me that I’d fractured a rib but it was hardly relevant as I toppled the other beast and landed on him with enough force to shatter half of his ribcage. The battle was over now; the lion could no longer stand, only wheeze on his side as the blood drained away.

I growled and stalked a circle round the heaving body, deciding which way to finish him off. I was struggling to recall the exact anatomy of a lion and with a further few deep wounds had yet to locate a major blood vessel that would end the creature’s life quickly. The blood was already sticking my paws to the concrete but the lion still lived, grunting with each of my poorly aimed blows.

At last I managed to pierce an artery in at the juncture of the hind leg and the body, causing whatever blood remained spray forcefully across the concrete, including over my body and face. I shook it off and snorted to clear my nose of it, blinked it out of my eyes as the body stilled and bloodflow turned to a trickle rather than a steam. I stood defiantly  with one paw resting on the head of the dead creature and roared for a final time as the crowd screamed all about me.

“Exit now, Ryan. I want them desperate for more,” Julia commanded.

I left numbly, one foot in front of the other until I was in the holding pen, practically unscathed. My vision went black.

But the headset had not been disconnected. It was my eyes that were not seeing anything as the screen still displayed the small concrete room. I only saw black and the pain in my head returned in full twice over and there were screams in my ears that I couldn’t hear over my pounding heartbeat. Someone was shouting my name and something was clawing at the inside of my skull and somewhere my body was frozen still but I couldn’t feel it. Somehow I was still breathing even as my lungs burned and my nose was blocked and my mouth was gasping.

The screen turned off and I registered this as a different kind of black. Some of the pressure released from my brain, enough so that I could make a weak noise at the back of my throat, a cry for help. I could feel my body again, although still distant and dull. I wanted to rip off the headset that was pressing in on my head, threatening to crack it like an eggshell at any moment. I wanted to pull away my visor in the hopes of seeing something besides the swirling patterns of dark in the backs of my eyes.

As if in answer to my desires I felt hands frantically grabbing at my head and, however unwelcome their touch was, they released the headset and I could see again. Only visually though because what I was seeing didn’t seem to connect with my thoughts and at last my eyes rolled back into unconsciousness.

When I awoke in what felt like moments later I was lying down on the dentist-like chair in the Prep room. My technician was standing above me, brow furrowed with concern and owly eyes wide as he blinked down at me. He was dabbing some cotton below my nose and each time he took it away I could see it stained with a fresh spread of blood. I forced open my eyes to regard him properly and opened my mouth to ask a question.

“What-”

“What the hell just happened to him?” Julia screeched as she burst into the room. I winced and leaned back, eyes fluttering shut.

“I-I don’t know, ma’am,” he stuttered, still using one hand to wipe at the red leaking from my nose. “He sort of blacked out and his n-n-nose started bleeding and-”

Julia slapped the technician with the back of her hand, the crack of hard fingers colliding with soft cheek loud in the small room. He reeled back, looking more ashamed than frightened or angry as it would have made me.

“You are an incompetent child!” she snapped. “You are in charge of his medical and technical needs, no? It is your job to make sure things like this do not happen, correct?”

“Yes, ma’am, but-” he hesitated when she glared blades into him and lowered his tone to a more defensive stance. “You did not let me examine the creature before he linked with it and so there was no way I could have predicted how his body would react. I’ve never seen such a violent rejection of the technology before.”

“Do you know the cause?”

“No. It could be he is overworked and the strain of the two fights today or maybe there’s something about the new animal that is incompatible with him...either way he needs a few days break and I need access to the tileguaress to see if I can help.”

I listened to them talk about me without interjection, mind still mixed up and confused as to what just happened. Julia ground her teeth in irritation.

“Fine; you can go see the creature in your own time, not during work hours. Ryan goes home now and can rest all he want but I need him back here on time in the evening. I already have him booked for two fights tomorrow and I can’t reschedule.”

“You can’t!” the technician blurted. “You can’t make him fight tomorrow, let alone twice. Look at him, he’s exhausted.”

I might’ve objected to this, claiming stubbornly that I was perfectly healthy, if he hadn’t ran his hand through my hair, that small soothing touch being almost enough to send me back to sleep.

“You do not get to decide when he fights,” Julia hissed.

“No, but I have to deal with the consequences.”

“Get out!” Julia snapped and pointed to the door. “I need to talk to Ryan alone and I’ve had enough of your insolence. He rests when I tell him he can, not before.”

The technician’s eyes linger on me a moment longer before narrowing as he stormed out of the room. My head lolled back as I sighed, wiping at the remaining blood on my nose with the back of my hand. Julia looked at me sternly and with a hint of pity.

“What do you want?” I groaned, the first full sentence I have managed since waking up.

“That fight was good. Short. It shouldn’t made you…” She gestured loosely at me.

“It did, though.”

“That boy is wrong, you know. He thinks you’re weak; you’re not. You can fight better and harder than anyone I’ve ever met,” she said softly. Her hyperbolous praise was beginning to concern me slightly. “You should see the crowd, Ryan, they love you. And I’m sorry it’s hurting you but if we hesitate for even a moment then they’ll lose interest so we have to keep going. I promise that we’ll make enough money so that after this you’ll never have to work again, okay?”

I nodded and sat up on the chair. “I’m not going to quit just because I got a nosebleed,” I smirked although I knew it was much more than that.

The corners of her mouth tugged into a small smile. “Good. You’ll be piloting the tileguaress again tomorrow; you can handle than, right?”

I glanced at the door, wondering if my technician was still waiting outside. He doesn’t think so. “Sure,” I replied.

“Go home now, Ryan, get some sleep,” she instructed, hand patting his shoulder as she turned to leave. “And when you get back here I want you to have named that creature.”

I agreed and left the room a short way behind her. I half-expected my loyal technician to be waiting in the corridor or perhaps Rex come to check I was alright. Instead, I found only warm, still air and a stifling urge to escape. I stumbled along the corridor to the changing rooms and dressed myself as fast as I could with fumbling fingers. I didn’t bother wiping away the eyeliner that had smudged long before, leaving the skin around my eyes streaked with grey and black. It didn’t matter; no one I cared about would see me.

I pulled my hood down to shade my face as I left the building because I knew there would still be some patrons lingering in the courtyard in the early morning light. I did not wish to grab their attention and they would certainly recognise me after today’s fights. As I paced quickly to the bus stop I saw a figure peel away from the deep shadow of a neighbouring industrial building. Whoever it was was far behind me, walking slow and I had no logical reason for the paranoia of being watched. I felt it all the same.

When I reached the road and leant against the broken plastic of the shelter I noticed the sleeping form of a young woman slumped in the corner, huddled in a ragged blanket and no shoes. I stood listening to her shaky breathing and waited for the bus, failing to resist the urge to see if the figure was still following me. I kept checking and every time could see nothing; only the concrete and brick of this industrial site, the weeds growing taller than people between cracked paving and glimpses of quick rats or thick pigeons all bathed in the dull brown of the morning.

The bus arrived on time. It was a older model than the one I had taken to work and it creaked as it came to a stop. The inside was predictably filthy so I chose the seat that I saw had the least visible signs of decay, the least oppressive odour being near the front. I was the only person at my stop so I expected the doors to shut right away instead of lingering open as they did. I thought perhaps that they were broken until a figure stepped through the door, said good morning to the bus driver and walked down the aisle past me, sitting down a few rows behind.

It was the young man I had spotted in the crowd earlier, the one I had roared at who wore a bandana over his face. Glaring at him as he walked by I was sure he had been the shadowy figure past the courtyard.

He’s not following you. You’re seeing things that aren’t there.

I tried to listen to music on the journey home but each song was too whiny and repetitive and made me want to scream. I kept the earphones in and listened to groans of protest the body of the bus made as it meandered its way through the street. My neck kept twitching to turn round and see if the guy was looking at me and each stop I waited tensely, hoping helplessly that he would get off the bus.

He didn’t. Or at least, not until just after I did.

I could hear his footsteps a few metres behind me, slower than mine for his longer legs. He was keeping my pace, keeping the same gap between us and keeping up with me no matter if I walked so fast it was practically a jog. The streets around were empty of activity and the shadows were still deep and ominous.

He could kill you. No one would even notice. I shoved the thoughts to the back of my mind but they kept resurfacing with every steady footstep on the path behind me.

The shop I had bought breakfast in yesterday was still open and so I took my chance to slip in there, meaning at least I could confront the stranger in the light. The same man from earlier was behind the counter, narrowing his eyes like earlier but more with tiredness than suspicion. What a boring job this would be, I thought. Every night the a scraggly few customers and the rest of the time silence. When I retire, this is the job for me.

I walked over to the barely cooled drinks cabinet and ran my finger over the bottles, pausing for a while over the beer, then cider, then some sort of cocktail thing. I sighed and grabbed a fizzy soft drink, surprisingly upmarket for this shop with a proper glass bottle. I kept glancing at the door, even as I was paying for it, and the stranger did not enter. I was too cynically minded to even think for a second that he had left me alone, knowing full well he would be lurking around some corner on the last few streets home.

Twisting the cap off the drink, I poured the oversweet liquid down my throat, not previously realising the full extent off my thirst. I left the shop hurriedly and continued my walk-skip-jog back home. I could hear him behind me, this time at a much greater distance. I wondered if he thought he was being subtle. I considered taking a wrong turning so that I wouldn’t lead him back to my house but there seemed to be little point as I’d have nowhere else to go and I knew he’d keep following.

I took one final swig of the drink, draining the remaining few drops into my mouth before holding the bottle tightly by the neck and slamming the base into the sharp concrete corner of a building. As I had hoped, the bottom of the glass shattered leaving sharp uneven spikes that glittered deadly in the early morning light. Although certainly not the perfect weapon, it might have served to make up for some of my lack of size and man-to-man fighting experience. I pivoted on my heels to face the man, now only a couple of metres behind, and raised the jagged weapon in his direction.

“Leave me alone!” I shouted because I needed to say something. My voice came out shriller than I intended and sounded painfully loud on the silent street.

“Calm down, kitten,” he replied, raising his arms in a display of innocence. His voice was infuriatingly patronising but also slow and slightly slurred. His movements too had a vaguely disconnected quality and his eyes appeared glazed over. Definitely drunk then. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Then why are you following me?” I hissed, still gripping the broken bottle.

“I just wanted to talk, that’s all.”

I glared at him. He was taller than me by at least a head, broad shouldered and muscles scarily bulging underneath his plain t-shirt. He was wearing that cloth around the lower part of his face and head; if anyone saw him kill me, he’d never get recognised. It was a clever move.

“Who are you?”  I asked, against any common sense. Fear is powerful.

It felt to me like he smirked under his mask but his eyes betrayed no hint of emotion. “Guess.”

“What?” I blurted.

“Come on, you’re a clever guy, right? So guess who I am.” His tone was surprisingly measured for how slurred and fuzzy his voice was.

I hesitated before eventually conceding to play along. “You’re a patron,” I mused. “You got drunk and bet a lot of money on one of my opponents, probably the snow leopard, and are now out for some revenge.”

“No.” There was no hint as to how close I was.

“You think I’m clever. You want me to throw a match and win you a lot of money in exchange for some in return.” People had offered me small fortunes to throw matches in the past but I’d never accepted their offers. I already had enough money.

“No.”

“You’re a crazed fan who followed me to my home looking for a chance to meet me.”

“In your dreams, kitten.” “What, then?” I snapped. “I don’t have a clue who you are.”

“My turn,” he stated. “Your name is Ryan Benton. You come from a family of four on the West side of the city, upper-middle class but you disguise your accent to fit in. You’ve been working as a pilot since the age of seventeen so it’s just gone your fifth anniversary of fighting in the cage. You specialise in felines even though Julia Lund always thought that your tactics were better suited to canines. She’s never told you that.”

I snorted at how ridiculous the idea was before frowning. It wasn’t true, was it?

“You live alone on this run-down estate yet you always insist on payments in cash; not the wisest move. It does however suggest that you want to leave this place but you haven’t yet decided where to go. You have no friends.”

At this, my mind flashed to the scitterish technician with the kind brown eyes. I quickly dismissed the idea. You don’t even know his name, he’s not your friend.

“So you’re a stalker, then?” I asked, trying to ease away the fear that had locked all my muscles.

“I do my research,” he shrugged. “But there’s one thing I still don’t understand; you have all the money you could ever need, you hate your job despite what you have people believe and you have no attachments here. Why don’t you just...leave?”

“Is that really what you came here to ask me?” I spluttered, laughing horsely. He barely blinked, face for what I could tell still stoney serious. I raised a brow at him. “Where would I got to? I’ve got nowhere else to be.”

“I’m sure you could find some place, kitten.”

“Why, though? I’m…” I couldn’t bring myself to say happy. “...fine here.”

“Of course you are,” the unsettling man said without the slightest hint of sincerity. “You are the best at what you do, right? Don’t be modest with me, Ryan.”

I nodded. “People have told me that.”

“And does it never bother you that someone else might like their turn in the sun? Someday one of your come knocking on your door with a loaded gun and all your enhanced reflexes couldn’t stop a bullet being buried in your skull.” He glanced down to where my makeshift weapon was limp in my grasp. “I don’t think a broken bottle will help you then.” “Are you threatening me?” I asked and he turned to leave, walking down the road away from me. “Who the hell even are you?”

He stopped his walk suddenly, jerking to a halt about five metres away with his body still paused mid-stride. “I’m a pilot like you. We’re going to fight later today so I thought I’d gather a bit more data, see if I can find a weak point.” He was still facing away, although no longer moving. I was still firmly rooted in my stance on the pavement.

“I haven’t seen you before,” I called after him, against any rational thought. I should have just let him leave but I kept talking.

“I’m new.” He took a step before I stopped him by talking again.

“Did you get what you came here for?” My voice was wavering and high. Scared. “Do you think you can beat me?”

He turned his head over his shoulder to look me in the eye, his obviously drunken gaze holding mine surprisingly steadily. “Oh, kitten. I’m going to destroy you.”

He continued walking and my fear urged me to not let him leave, to not let him have the final word. “We’ll have to find out,” I said offhandedly, trying to act arrogant like Hellion would. “See you tonight.”

“I look forward to it.”

[makesureee]

1-150 plz ty~~

omg holy shit that’s a lot and i’m on adderall this will be fun omg yay

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?some bitch ass bitch who’s dead to me

2. Are you outgoing or shy?DEFINITELY shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?any three of my friends, whenever they happen to hit me up, my dog, and my fUTURE GIRLFRIEND WHERE ARE YOU

4. Are you easy to get along with?it depends how well you know me i suppose but i am generally kind, or at least i try to be

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i do not like anyone so i just get drunk by myself

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?i reallyyyyy love masculine looking girls (could be short hair, shaved hair, tats, piercings, just an all around “gay” look, which is kinda funny for a straight guy XD) but i ALSO LOVE feminine girls fat girls skinny girls just…..GIRLSbut as far as finding people attractive even tho i’m straight boys can be hecka cute too and i typically find myself finding the more feminine looking bois cuteand as for anyone nonbinary or genderqueer it’s pretty much the same

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?no but boy i sure hope so

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?fuck heteronormativity but uh no one really. i don’t like anyone. if you mean literally in general then i’m waiting for my friend to hit me up so we can smoke XD

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?yeah but not for reasons you’d think

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?no fuckin idea

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“well i also gotta head back to my house so you’re good” cause my friend needed some time to get weed and food before i head over

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Sad Clown - Kate MicucciPick a suburb, find a culdesac - Amy Bruce Spaceshowstraight kids playing dress up - the official suckersGot High and Still Got No Friends - Shelf LifeOld Maid Cards - Kate Micucci

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?only if it’s someone i’m really really really comfortable with

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?nope. i believe in coincidence and probability

15. What good thing happened this summer?nothing honestly

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?fUCK to the NO

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?um…definitely?? without a doubt??? we’re so small we’re so small we could just instantaneously die any second bruh we’re dust in the breeze this question gave me another existential crisis i want a refund

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?lol no

19. Do you like bubble baths?i used to but now it’s just like……im hot and sweaty and can’t breathe why is the air so wet……

20. Do you like your neighbors?i don’t know my neighbors but i like them because their christmas lights are aesthetic and ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS just has like 20 FUCKIN DUCKS chilling in their front yard. they’re like 3 houses down across the street but if i leave my window open sometimes i can hear them having a good time

21. What are you bad habits?drug dependency/addictive tendencies

22. Where would you like to travel?i wanna go back to italy. spain would be nice. idk. like……the earth has so many places…..

23. Do you have trust issues?nah i’m very forgiving and it sucks

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?drugs!

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?how in the world do i pick

26. What do you do when you wake up?roll a blunt…and smoke it

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?that question is complicated. i’m white, so ideally (in this corrupt awful world), it’s the most advantageous so i wouldn’t change as to have better opportunities and less judgement. however, hOLY SHIT ALL THE COLORS OF THE PEOPLE ARE SO COOL AND BEING WHITE LOOKS SO BOORRINGG so if we lived in a hypothetical world where every ethnicity was held at an equal standard yes a darker skin color would be cool

28. Who are you most comfortable around?nobody really. i’m not emotionally close to anyone right now

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?no but one relationship i ended and the other party did not want it to end

30. Do you ever want to get married?marriage doesn’t really matter to me. just a certificate. if it can help with taxes and whatever, sure, as long as i can remain the important parts of my independence. but imo i don’t even think that marriage should give people tax benefits but you take what good things the fucked up world gives ya

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? LOL YES BUT I’D LOOK RIDICULOUS

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?michonne from the walking dead is super attractive and i can’t really think of anyone else but i probably would not have a threesome with celebrities that’s too much pressure

33. Spell your name with your chin.samkel (THAT WAS CLOSE)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?ew

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV but like does netflix count

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?not really i have this ability to not like people unless i’m almost certain they like me and terminate all feelings for a person if rejected. i mean like, i liked someone in high school once and dropped hardcore hints but never outright said it so killed my feelings and they actually told me recently that they used to have a crush on me too XDD funny ass shit

37. What do you say during awkward silences?“i’m gonna play some music”

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?cute funny stoner who loves and accepts me for who i am and supports me and helps me grow and does pills with me and loves all my new favorite music i show her and WITH LIKE A ONE IN BILLION CHANCE i’d like her to be shorter than me cause i’m really short and that’s really killer on my self esteem….but like….if we were both super short imagine how cute that’d be…..we’d be like ruby and sapphire….we’d get made fun of and be the smol couple but we would be smol together

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?my local headshops lolol

40. What do you want to do after high school?i’m already after high school but ultimately i want to be a glassblower and make bongs and shit

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?i don’t believe in blanket statements (lol that in itself is a blanket statement)

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?i’m awkward or anxious and don’t know what to say because i don’t know how to be a person

43. Do you smile at strangers?sometimes

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?NEITHER IF I AM NOT GUARANTEED TO SURVIVE but space even though i would still have massive panic attacks with that guarantee like i can’t even be on a road i don’t know by myself without having an anxiety attack

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?the hope that one day i’ll have something that makes me feel less empty

46. What are you paranoid about?holy shit EVERYTHING everyone hates me and i’m a disappointment to my parents and i’m super unattractive and everyone that sees me judges me and like these are straight up facts yo

47. Have you ever been high?i’m high right now

48. Have you ever been drunk?i’m drunk right now. just kidding on that one. i kinda used to be an alcoholic but i traded it in for pot lol. best decision ever. worst financial decision ever tho

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?i put 12 shucks of corn up my asshole

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?black. almost everything i wear is black when will i not act like im in high school

51. Ever wished you were someone else?only always

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?confidential

53. Favourite makeup brand?none i ent wear makeup

54. Favourite store?i’m not a shopping person so i’d again have to go with my local headshop

55. Favourite blog?i cannot choose

56. Favourite colour?black

57. Favourite food?also cannot choose

58. Last thing you ate?i have no idea i haven’t eaten today

59. First thing you ate this morning?i have no idea i literally have not eaten today

60. Ever won a competition? For what?you bitches better wATCH oUT cause this guy got SECOND PLACE in his THIRD GRADE SCIENCE FAIR for a poster board about EVAPORATIONand eh i think i won an art show award or two in high school

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?no i never even skipped class in high school cause with attendance you get exemption rights from exams~ now that i’m in college i skip occasionally tho lol

62. Been arrested? For what?dear god no i’d have a panic attack so hard i think the cop would feel bad for me

63. Ever been in love?yep

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?ugh ew ok so like i was bi at the time and so was he (but i wasn’t into this guy at all) but so anyway it’s after school and we’re behind it with our friends and we start walking away and he pulls me aside and the friends keep walking and his face kept getting closer to mine and in my head i’m just like dude…..why you….getting closer….that’s close….what…..oh….okay. that’s. lips. okay. it was like a gross quick kiss and then like when we talked about it and i rejected him hE WENT AND TOLD ALL HIS FRIENDS THAT HE REJECTED ME. luckily a friend i used to have and/or fuck jumped in while i wasn’t present and defended me cause that’s some straight bullshit.

65. Are you hungry right now?nah i’m on adderall

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?eh nah only because it’s harder to form a bond. not that i have strong bonds with my irl friends but we communicate more and smoke together

67. Facebook or Twitter?neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?no

70. Names of your bestfriends?lexi is me only best friend but even we aren’t suuuper close anymore

71. Craving something? What?fulfillment and happiness and a girlfriend

72. What colour are your towels?green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?bruh…….9 ok but 2 are for my dog when she isn’t sleeping next to me on my pillows

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?nah but i use my dog as a cuddle buddy. if she doesn’t wanna cuddle we just hold hands

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?i probably have a good bit lying around my room. idk maybe like 5-8 somewhere in a drawer or whatever

75. Favourite animal?cliche as fuck but like….dogs i love dogs i love themi illove them so much i lvoe dogs

76. What colour is your underwear?currently grey with black stripes lol

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla for sure

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?oreo!

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?black XD

80. What colour pants?BLACK

81. Favourite tv show?black. nah probably adventure time or rick and morty

82. Favourite movie?i don’t like movies that much

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?have seen neither

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?nope?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?who

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?stoner turtle

87. First person you talked to today?my adderall buddy. she texted me like the second i woke up some how

88. Last person you talked to today?she literally just texted me as i was writing that out soooo

89. Name a person you hate?i aint no snitch

90. Name a person you love?lexi cause that’s positive

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?myself

92. In a fight with someone?never been, never want

93. How many sweatpants do you have?one

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?i had one but as of today i have THREE

95. Last movie you watched?suicide squad and it sucked but pretty colors tho

96. Favourite actress?ent got one

97. Favourite actor?nope

98. Do you tan a lot?not at all what is the sun

99. Have any pets?two! daisy and ko bear!

100. How are you feeling?i’m feeling okay. i’ll feel better cause now my friend hit me up but i’m rushing to finish this!

101. Do you type fast?YA DAMN RIGHT I DO I GOTTA FINISH THIS

102. Do you regret anything from your past?i regret like almost everything?

103. Can you spell well?the answer is no

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?nope

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?yep

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?yep

107. Have you ever been on a horse?ONCE WHEN I WAS LITTLE BUT I WANNA DO IT AGAIN but i’ve been on a camel does that count

108. What should you be doing?bagging my weed and leaving the house right now

109. Is something irritating you right now?myself as always

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?nope

111. Do you have trust issues?i trusted you not to repeat a question so maybe i do now

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?A STUPID ASS BITCH I REGRET IT SO MUCH i never cry in front of ANYONE before that it had been THREE YEARS since i cried in front of someone but i trust horrible people

113. What was your childhood nickname?sammy

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?yep. i was born in florida, live in georgia. been to a few other surrounding states but nowhere far other than abroad

115. Do you play the Wii?nah

116. Are you listening to music right now?nah the album ended

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?i don’t like soup

118. Do you like Chinese food?not really i wanna eat normal food with chopsticks tho

119. Favourite book?ew

120. Are you afraid of the dark?nah but i still get the creeps

121. Are you mean?some people seem to think so. i think so a lot of the time.

122. Is cheating ever okay?yes. i don’t do blanket statements

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?dear god no i avoid super messes but pretty much do whatever

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?fuck no

125. Do you believe in true love?i believe that love can be true but i do not believe that one single individual is your “soul mate” or “perfect match” or whatever. there are potentially thousands of people that you could fall madly in love with and it’s just probability and coincidence that allow you to collide with them

126. Are you currently bored?with my life yeah

127. What makes you happy?drugs and friends and dogs

128. Would you change your name?i have and it’s awesome now

129. What your zodiac sign?taurus

130. Do you like subway?never ridden one

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?heteronormative again and i don’t have a best friend but the only two female friends i have i would not have sex with, although me and one of them make cute jokes about dating and romance all the time

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?BRUH STOP REPEATING

133. Favourite lyrics right now?“you tell me all the reasons you hate meand it feels like you’re listing off the symptoms of a borderline personalityand I know I am not tetheredto all the behaviors or the thoughtsI know one day I could rise above it allbut for now my illness makes people think I really suckand I guess for a couple more years I need to suck it up”- Don’t Blame Yourself by Human Kitten

i relate hella cause i’m pretty sure i have bpd and i can’t afford health insurance so i’m just kinda here

134. Can you count to one million?fuck no

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?i never remember shit. that’s seriously not a lie i don’t remember

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?my door is always closed unless i’m home alone but eVEN THEN it’s closed if i’m sleeping

137. How tall are you?ew 5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?mine? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette

140. Summer or Winter?winter

141. Night or Day?both or in between

142. Favourite month?october or december. i like the october vibe but like the december $$$$$

143. Are you a vegetarian?nooope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?milk

145. Tea or Coffee?green tea with mint please!

146. Was today a good day?it was not terrible. first day of the new quarter. worked my ass off but made some money. aboutta go smoke. it’s been alright

147. Mars or Snickers?neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?too many good quotes

149. Do you believe in ghosts?nope i believe in science and facts homie g

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“While some people will argue that this (A) may not exist or (B) is certainly not part of our physical forms, I’m going to go ahead and boldly state that consciousness (at the very least) is an irrefutable part of the human experience.” no shit that was Hannah Hart’s My Drunk Kitchen