#also headcanon that Mrs Norris is kind of immortal

[bimoonphases]

@wolfstarmicrofic May 6 - prompt : First Kiss [word count 974]

James knew this would happen sooner or later. Sooner rather than later, given the number of times Remus and Sirius had bickered that week. They usually calmed down enough only when the Marauders planned their pranks and got out of Gryffindor Tower in the dead of the night to execute them. As had been the case that night, at least until they had been putting in place the very last touches and had rounded a corner only to find themselves in front of Mrs Norris. That had ended with them running away as fast as they could and only James’s cloak had saved them from Filch, who had as usual appeared out of nowhere as if summoned by his cat. And when they had finally reached their empty Common Room, the bickering had started again. Only this time it had escalated.

“So much for your wolf’s hearing, Moony,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “You can’t even hear a fucking cat.”

“Oh, my hearing? What about your nose, Padfoot?” Remus shot back. “I’m not the only one here who didn’t see her coming.”

“Oh, so your sight is gone too? Because if you hadn’t noticed, I’m in human form now.”

“If you can call that human, you look more like a walking poster of Bowie right now.”

“How dare you insult Bowie.”

“I’m not, I’m just questioning your taste in clothes.”

“Right, grampa has spoken. You look like you should be put in an archaeological museum every time you’re out of uniform.”

“At least my clothes are comfortable, you’re always running around half naked. Did you know crop tops were made for summer and not fucking December?”

“The only hotness I need is my own, thank you.”

“Merlin, you’re so self-centered!” Remus threw his hands up in exasperation.

“Centre of attention, there’s a difference.”

“Right, I forgot about all of your girlfriends. By the way, do they know about each other?”

“You’re one to talk, the other day that boy Gregory was practically drooling just looking at you!”

“I tutor them, I don’t end up making out with them in every single corridor I walk through!”

“Oh, I’m sorry I’m having fun while you break your back on books!”

“At least I get good grades while yours are dropping.”

“Never cared about them. While you do too much apparently.”

“You’re going to fail your OWLS if you go on like this.”

“Like you care.”

“I do care! I want you to do good, why do you think I don’t? But you apparently care more about snogging girls than your own future!”

“I don’t want to think about my future!” Sirius screamed. “I refuse to think about it! Because if I do, the only thing I see is the future my parents are planning for me and I don’t want that!”

There was a moment of silence. James shot a look at Peter, tense like he was. He had lost count of the times Sirius had crawled in his bed in the middle of the night, shaking after a nightmare, terrified of what his parents would do to him come this Christmas break. He knew Sirius had only told him the extent of his fear, that he preferred to keep on a brave face in front of the rest of their friends, especially Remus, whom he admired a lot despite all the tension between them.

“I don’t want the good grades they expect me to have! I don’t want to be their obedient son, I don’t want them to still have the hold they have on my little brother, I don’t want my surname to be theirs anymore! And I don’t want to look like them in the way I dress, I don’t want them to cut my hair again, I don’t even want to snog all those girls!”

Sirius stopped, panting, his eyes now filled with tears James knew he would do anything to push back. Remus was looking at him, paler than usual.

“What do you want then?” he asked slowly.

Sirius sighed, a tired sigh, a sigh of defeat. He moved a hand.

“You,” he whispered. “I want you, Moony.”

Remus’s jaw dropped open.

“What?” he said.

“Why do you think I always have a Bowie shirt on? He’s a god, yes, but he’s your favourite singer. Why do you think I hate that boy Gregory? Because he has a very blatant crush on you!”

“He doesn’t,” Remus shook his head.

“How would you know? You don’t look at him, exactly like you don’t look at me, not in that way. Why do you think I always have girls around? Because I can’t have you!”

“Sirius, I…”

“Why do you think we’re always bickering? Because that’s the only moment you pay me attention, the only moment in which you see me and if we have to fight for me to get just a sliver of your interest then so be it!”

Sirius had lost the fight with his tears, because James saw one roll down his cheek. But before he could brush it away, Remus had crossed the space dividing them and had taken Sirius’s face in his hands, diving in and kissing him. The strangled sound Sirius made lasted only half a second before his arms wrapped around Remus’s waist, dragging him closer. James didn’t move, even though he thought that maybe him and Peter should find a way to leave those two alone. He feared that any kind of sound or movement would break the spell.

“I’m sorry, Padfoot,” Remus murmured when they came up for air. “I… I want you too.”

“Halle-fucking-lujah,” Peter whispered as Sirius smiled and leaned in for another kiss.

James just shook his head as Peter stirred him towards the stairs to their dorm. He wasn’t mad about those two finding an alternative for all their bickering.

[spiritcc]

The Hound of the Baskervilles

Behold the episodes that are often the most known to the Western public, about the story that is often the most known to the world, the story that, tragically for ACD, made Holmes popular once again - the motherfucking Hound of the Baskervilles. 

That story was also the first Holmes story I’ve ever read, thanks my book for putting it literally ahead of everything else including the Study in Scarlet, bitch. And it was the first episode of the Soviet show I’ve ever watched. If I go further, Hound was also the first Frogwares game I’ve ever played, so basically, whatever there was and is, it all started with the Hound of the Baskervilles. 

Let’s dive into this experience that managed to secure a place in my heart, and on my icon.

So, first of all, I own this piece of pirated wonder in no other but bluray quality itself - and boy does it show. These are legit the true colors of the episodes and it looks almost unreal. But nothing will be as unreal as the fucking fact that the Hound is literally the only episode set that they’ve remade into bluray. Fuck the rest of the series for not being the most famous Holmes story, amiright, some episodes in the middle will do. It’s like whatever, not like these guys overseas would want to watch anything else but this particular story, right?

And honestly, even outside of the Soviet context, generally watching any Hound adaptation after reading the book takes a lot away from the very beginning. All of them try to build the suspense and a story we all already know. Every time I watch it I always kind of catch myself on the thought that this movie would be so much effective if I never knew the plot. It’s like with Harry Potter, you don’t watch it for the experience, you only criticise their take at adapting the original text. The fourth HP movie, do you hear me, by the way? Remember the Quidditch World Cup? Yeah, me neither. Fuck you. 

And in the Soviet context, watching this first is not the worst idea out there, but definitely not the best one either. I guess it could be applied to any adaptation, since the main attraction, Holmes, is absent for most of the story. But in the Soviet case, it’s also missing a lot of Holmes/Watson interactions, which is kinda the main feature of this show. Of course there’s the immortal Watson/Henry dudebro tandem, but it’s obviously not something anyone came here for. And if you noticed, this episode set follows the original text pretty closely most of the time, so whatever non-canon warm scenes pass, you don’t exactly notice them in the overall picture. It just feels like something a little more than a standard adaptation, nothing else. Which is probably why it’s still fine to watch it first, but again, not exactly the best idea either. 

So, because this whole Hound business was my first in everything, and because in my times I had way too much fun watching it to take anything adequately, these episodes indeed hold a special place in my heart. The fact that these are the only episodes that follow the same continuous story without any extra cases thrown in also helps - you’re completely engaged in this spectacle that runs about two and a half hours in total.     

So, I’ll try to talk about why I become so high when I watch it, and also yeah, I’ll try to sound like a decent human being that can burp out a non-embarrassing review. 

This is the very first thing we see when the episode starts and

Df. Df the origin. 

That’s it, you’re sold, anything serious they were working for all thrown out the window. “as I had the story from my father woho also had it from his I have set lt down noth all belief”, wow. Indeed, terrific. Moral of the story: don’t get out in the night? Nope. Don’t attempt at creepypasta after smashing your face with all contents of your booze cupboard. I swear it was Hugo who came back home after a dog bit his buttock off and wrote this. 

Anyway, I was talking about how watching this first would not be a good idea, but despite this, the charm of this version hits you from the very start, and I may or may not be talking about this fucking scroll above. What is a definite representation of everything this series stands for is the very first thirty seconds after the credits roll. The cool main theme continues as Holmes eats this very English breakfast, looking all very cool and very Holmes-y, with Watson and Mrs. Hudson behind him. He asks Watson about the cane, the canon exchange about detective ears takes place, everyone is very serious, very canon and everything. But then, Mrs. Hudson, who would normally be a non-existent entity in most adaptations, speaks up: and in one-liner that would make Chuck Norris cry, she matter-of-factly tells Watson that Holmes sees his reflection in the coffee pot. This line belonged to Holmes in the story, but here, Mrs. Hudson has accidentally inherited his deduction talents since way back in the first episode - she figures out Holmes’ prank in literal seconds and is totally not surprised, and neither is Holmes at her comment. In this adaptation, Mrs. Hudson is always an important participant. And when the reveal hits, Holmes bursts into explosive laughter. Such an uncharacteristic thing to do for his canon prototype, but jesus, what a SO SO Livanov!Holmes thing to be. And here it is, in thirty seconds, - everything this show ever was. Human and lively Holmes, his friend Watson that takes no shit, and the ever-important Mrs. Hudson. 

Are we going to talk about Mortimer and how he managed to troll and insult Holmes like thrice without realising, yikes Holmes was on edge the whole time being attacked like this in his own home. The actor looks like a perfect match to me.

His manner of reading is so infinitely satisfying to me, he’s so into this creepypasta and everything what happens there, that’s what everyone means when talking about expressive reading. Mortimer’s emotions + music + scenery made a very atmospheric reenacting of the hound legend. 

I’ve noticed once that those so to say “flashbacks” were nothing more than us following Holmes’ imagination, since they start every time he closed his eyes, and ended on him opening them. These scenes honestly don’t get the credit they deserve, they are so engaging and, as I’ve already said, atmospheric. The music that plays at the beginning is one of my favorite themes from the entire series, and that was basically Hope’s cowboy theme from the first episodes recycled. The action itself was shot beautifully, the darkness, the Medieval feel to it and everything, and not only Hugo was played by, obviously, the same actor who plays Stapleton, but his unfortunate gal is played by the actress who did Baryl. I don’t know what kind of parallels that was supposed to draw, but I like this detail nonetheless. And, finally, Mortimer’s emotional delivery wraps it up nicely. 10/10, would df the origin again. 

One of the little things somebody has noticed is the extent of Watson’s participation in this. Of course there’s the doctor slang him and Mortimer often like to exchange, something that Holmes loses completely, but there’s also the original lines split, just like it happened with Mrs. Hudson. Here, the question about footprints on the snow was asked by Watson - when in the actual story, all of it came from Holmes. Just as important, people, just as important. 

Of course their casual friendship never goes anywhere.

Does the dog case sound legit, Watson?

Watson: *hits blunt*

Watson: Totally.  

So, sir Henry. Yeah, sir Henry. I can’t believe Mikhalkov shares my icon with Livanov, but for this role, I’m willing to accept this. I’ve long forgotten what actual sir Henry was supposed to be like, but obviously it wasn’t this

Of course Mikhalkov’s best roles is Mikhalkov playing Mikhalkov, but when the initial disgust with this portrayal wears off (lol im sorry but you know its true), honestly, does this look on his character make any difference? So what if he’s a Canadian cowboy who’s a complete joke, it made zero impact on the story, and added a lot of flavor to Henry’s character. Really, he’s lovely. Did you notice that he’s literally an in-universe representation of a Holmes fanboy? 

His dream came true, and yall just haters.   

That shoe exchange tho, it wasn’t only weird and awkward for the characters but for the audience on the other side of the screen as well, because literally nobody knew what the fuck was going on and what they were talking about. Nobody in the USSR knew what’s this whole shoes at the door procedure meant and the dialogue never bothered to elaborate, so we had wut on the screen and wut in front of the screen. Desired effect achieved?..

This is where I used to get high because I had a headcanon that the second Holmes heard about the Baskerville fortune, he came to the dark side. Because his laugh was very suspicious, and various goofs throughout the episodes hilariously added to the theory that Holmes framed Stapleton just to grab the money himself.

Take a look at Cartwright and remember the most unfortunate boy in this story, that started off with swimming in trash of 23 hotels and never finding anything as a result.

Let’s also appreciate the fact that Mrs. Hudson’s plank is so low she’s willing to pay anyone who comes to Holmes to answer questions, and let’s also appreciate the fact that this red suit exists.

Now, here the mystery solving finally starts and let me make it clear now: thank god. Thank god that it actually holds on such a level and never slips into the territory that makes the process of adapting this story so dangerous: you don’t miss Holmes. 

In general, if a character is absent and you catch yourself on the thought that you really miss them and the show is just not enjoyable anymore, this is a very big red flag for the creators and a very serious indicator that they’re fucking it up. It means that this particular character was the only thing pulling this show behind, and it’s an extremely bad sign if in their absence, the other cast is not able to continue holding the show on the same level. There are many reasons why this might happen, and one of them is the fact that probably this character was the only one the creators cared about to develop properly. The situation goes up to eleven with this universe, since practically the only people that ever mattered here were Holmes and Watson, and Watson, for most of the time, was often dismissed as a dumb shadow following this detective genius around. Suddenly getting rid of Holmes for the majority of the story and trusting Watson to lead the case with such a set up would be insane.

And that’s why I’m extremely glad to declare that in this series, Holmes’ absence does not affect anything at all, because Watson, altogether with other supporting characters, pull the show off brilliantly, and you never once feel like something is missing and could’ve been much better with the main character around. Even during my very first watch, I’ve never had a thought that I wanted to see Holmes instead, and after all those years, my opinion stays the same. As I’ve said before in my Tiger Hunt post - steal the show, supporting characters, steal it like you’re the only ones that matter and take nothing back. I’ll always be there rooting for you.   

So, Baskerville gang, and a scene that has spawned a meme of a national scale - and you’ll never guess what it was.

Well, of course there’s my own Bad Luck Watson meme, but it’s nothing compared to the meme that defines not only this entire series, but the entire Holmes saga in eyes of all Russian people. 

And it’s the fucking “Oatmeal, sir”. 

You would not BELIEVE how HUGE this is, even to this day the ever porridge loving nation serves oatmeal accompanied by this phrase. It is absolutely ridiculous what kind of fame this sentence has gained, the Barrymore actor is still crying because he’s the one that has to put up with 30+ years of oatmeal jokes, the popularity of this is INSANE. It’s not only oatmeal, but any sentence delivered in his deadpan voice and finished with “sir” is the ultimate British representation in the eyes of Russia and all former USSR. This meme is eternal, and if you ask a Russian what they think England is all about, I give you a 100% guarantee it will be at least once you’d hear “Oatmeal, sir” in reply. 

These guys, by the way, Mikhalkov and Adabashyan were bffs, and Adabashyan was cast in the series by Maslennikov as a way to shut both of them up on the set, make them too busy to discuss his director talents, as both of them are directors on top of many things. They’d ad-libbed a lot of dialogue and even scenes, which, I guess, made it even more memetic than originally intended. 

The faces of two bff assholes on set exactly how they should be. The Barrymore couple are the only Soviet team guys that ended up in the new series: Mr. Barrymore played Watson’s editor, and Mrs. Barrymore played the Queen. 

About weird Mrs. Barrymore, the actress really wanted to cut herself some slack because at the time she was pregnant, and her husband, the cameraman Vexler, survived a heart attack and was in the hospital. If she goes along and starts crying her eyes out, that’s really the end to both her health and her child. So decided on what we saw on the screen instead, Adabashyan, as always, helped with improvisation, and this weird woman was born. Maybe that mentally disturbed Selden thing is something that runs in the family after all, huh.

The Stapletons, Oleg Yankovsky 

Well, I guess due to his natural charisma, this guy smells of danger miles around him, that’s just how Yankovsky is. Not innocent, not expendable, but rather enigmatic and very suspicious. 

His wife, an evident native of Costa Rica

I still can’t believe she snatched Lanovoy for a husband, the man’s too unreal to exist on this sinful earth, never mind to ascend on ordinary mortals. She’s the real winner here, even though it’s not related to the matter in any way. 

I swear their sibling relationship is something I would expect in this fucking christmas coffee commercial, but in hindsight it does make a lot of sense. But just a hint, Jack, do not make your wife into your sister and get offended when dudes hit on her, that generally helps. 

So, let’s about this gift of a script called Watson/Henry dudebro interactions.

Not only it’s such a blatantly hilarious dudebro relationship, with them discussing chicks, Watson making sure Henry dresses properly and doesn’t embarrass his ass while staying like two meters away from him, and I honestly cannot fathom who came up with this fucking idea we see above. These guys catching Barrymore and going after Selden? That sounds alright, but what if everything’s the same, but…HengRIE aNd WaTSON ARe fuCKING smasHED??? GE NI OUS MR SCRIPTWRITER YOU DESERVE ANOTHER GLASS AND YOU’RE JUST IN THE MOOD TO FINISH WRITING THAT BASKERVILLE SCROLL.

I mean jeez, what a scene, these two solving one mystery and going out for a hunt while being drunk out of their asses, if that isn’t amazing storytelling. 

You could practically see alcohol dissolving there, Holmes was facepalming so hard he fell off his rock.    

The last interesting variable in the story, Laura Lyons. 

You know what I find most about her, everyone is only wondering why she’s smoking a pipe. Western reviewers also tend to whine about Holmes occasionally wearing glasses, and even claim that it ruins the entire series (!!), but honestly, what’s exactly so weird about it? Everything around her is East themed, so the designers went for a particular look and gave her a subtext interest of some sort, and this pipe could be one of it. And even if nobody has a habit of smoking a pipe in the East, to me it’s clearly a way to show her independence and a kind of estranged situation from her all-feminine counterparts. Lives alone, seeks freedom, smokes a pipe - kind of this “I’m tired of men and life” mood. Despite this, she’s far from this image, if we remember that she breaks her facade when Holmes spills the beans - she has a right to be upset and scared. 

Here goes Cartwright, a boy dragged away from his home to hobo his way through some depressing murderous village and serve some bitchy detective

Meanwhile we witness sir Henry slowly die inside, lose his initial cowboy attitude and spiral down the slide of fear, alcohol and paranoia. Talk about the real victim

So, Watson goes to hunt this mysterious man, infiltrates his hideout, falls asleep like real detectives do, trashes the entrance with his cigars like he’s asking to get killed, but luckily for him it’s just his troll friend that never trusted him to solve the case on his own and went out of his way to lie to him for the past one and a half episodes

Okay that went too deep, the reveal was very happy and everyone had a great time, no anon hate plz

So, this is the part of the case that really did not please me, oh hey there’s the tin on this picture that was later used as a phosphorus tin found in Stapleton’s shack as if it totally wasn’t Holmes framing him, anyway. This story was basically a room full of people, one of which is definitely a murderer. It did go all the unpredictable ways with some village drama slowly revealing itself in the meanwhile, but the variables stayed fixed. Obviously as a reader following the case closely, you start your own little investigation and make your own assumptions as the story goes. As you think some things are sorted, this fucker comes along and delivers VITAL information, out of nowhere, that ruins all of your own work and kind of even laughs at you for even attempting. I just hated what kind of last minute ass pull it was, to bring this know-it-all character in with information that was NEVER present in any sort or form previously, something you had no chance in guessing, rendering the first part of the investigation useless. Like hey, why bother, before we get this game-changing clue there’s no point in making any assumptions, they’re all wrong anyway. I don’t know I was just very displeased when I read that. Wife, sure. Plot twist, sure. Get out, Holmes.     

They leave his hideout, never informing Cartwright about that. Let’s hope the boy got home. 

By the way, am I the only one thinking that Stapleton and Henry kinda do look alike naturally? Not just the freaky portrait resemblance? That’s neat if that was intended. Anyhow, Yankovsky’s got a painting of himself now, that’s always a plus

 Lyons breaks after seeing Stapleton’s family pic shot by malboro. 

The family values™, unless Holmes ruined a pack in his hunt for Baskerville fortune. 

And now, I’ve just suddenly thought about this weirdly shifting attitude of this show towards its secondary characters. It does sure make no illusions about Lestrade here, it summoned Lestrade instead of whatever canon detective because it’s convenient, but then, when it came to killing the dog, it’s not Holmes who’d actually shot it five times Meursault-style (hey existential genre references), but Lestrade. Holmes misses, but it’s Lestrade who suddenly pulls the rambo and kills the dog like a boss without flinching. And in-universe all the credit goes to him, and Holmes doesn’t protest in any way, and he’s praised, both in-universe again, and basically by the writers who decided to make the change. Did they do it to keep Holmes’ kill count zero, even if it’s some fucking dog? Who knows, but the same show that made a deal out of Lestrade getting praised in the first episode now willingly made him a hero and is very proud of it. Behind the scenes character development, yo.

By the way, spiritcc bitching about the original story again, who liked the reveal that it was an actual big dog? Surely not me. I was expecting something cooler, to be honest, some kind of thing that makes dog footprints, some sort of killing scheme, and when I was reading the sentence when an actual dog ran out, boy was I disappointed. Of course, it’s just a very hungry and abused big dog. What else could it be. A big dog. Big dog of the Baskervilles. I mean yeah. Why would I suddenly expect something overly complicated. 

By the way, the first time I watched it, I was actually tense, simply because I was expecting to get jumpscared, and believe it or not I fucking was, twice, both by sir Henry and his sissy fucking shrieking in the middle of a completely silent scene. First when he saw Selden’s candle, and then when the dog ran after him. I guess the second time was fair, but jesus christ you bitch. 

THEY FUCKING KILLED SNOOPY 

I AM SHOOK.

Finally, everything is over, thanks to disposable sir Henry that turned into an alcoholic and got chewed on by some fucking big dog that eats its own kind, at least Holmes wasn’t hurrying anywhere huh

Gang porridge feeding, the man’s so broken he’d take anything by this point. 

At the end, we finally shift back to Baker Street and a very poor final explanation, that never clarified who sent that warning letter to sir Henry at the beginning, dismissed how Stapleton would’ve fought for his legal rights and just kind of flung over Lyons’ motivation, although I’m not sure if this one was in canon or not. Surprising for a movie with such a long running time that could’ve totally afforded all of this, but oh well I guess. Most of us have read the book anyway. 

Oh man, the Hound of the Baskervilles. Look at this post, it’s probably the biggest thing I’ve ever written here. It is an experience for me, I have a lot to say about some details, the story itself, the crack thoughts that transport me in a world of my own watching this - it’s not my favorite episode out there, but somehow it’s very deep in my heart because of all these moments we’ve shared. 

Maslennikov felt like his work here is done once and for all - three sets, seven episodes, whatever important things he wanted to show, he did. The series is finally over. 

Finally over, he thought, opening the Scandal in Bohemia…