#also i have a friend from another fandom with apparently the same kind of autism as mine

[kaissauce]

okay, phucker, do it

ok let's do this @rolli-zolli @ninikins

Horrortale: technically an alternate timeline instead of au. after a neutral run where undyne's queen the core malfunctions and food becomes scarce and people resort to eating humans because sans suggested it. Aliza is the protag. latest thing that happened in the ongoing comic was Aliza agreeing to go with Papyrus to solve his last puzzle. as for the appearance of sans he has a HUGE hole on his head and a red eye. he got the hole from undyne when she got his magic eye which was going to be used to power the core. sans didnt die tho and killed the guards holding him down and just took whatever eye was on the ground and used it as a replacement for his magic eye that's powering the core. i quote first words he said after putting the eye in his socket "who the fuck took my phone?". then the magic eye went apeshit and broke the core again. oh and also he made alphys braindead by quite literally scrambling her brain. yeah this au is rough sans hasn't really eaten anything since the core was destroyed since he decided not to eat any humans.

Dusttale: i think this was originally a korean au? basic rundown: too many genocide runs sans goes apeshit and tries to get his Lv up by killing monsters himself man went fuckin insane kills his brother blah blah blah edgy angsty au the ghost of papyrus haunts him n stuff. sans literally just looks the same except he has his hood on and sometimes artists draw him with papyrus's scarf. the cool artists draw him with his hood on and has the hood completely cover his face so u can only see his glowing pupils. although people call him dust sans he's actually named murder sans

Killer: so frickin similar to dusttale except sans goes apeshit because of the human being like "join me lmao". three different outcomes come from this. i think it was 1 sans joins human 2 sans joins human kills human later on 3 kills human or something. friends with color sans who is basically his impulse control. pretty sure his soul's fucked up and Color sans tries to make his soul un-fucked but Nightmare comes in and fucks up the progress. he has white shorts, his eye sockets are constantly pitch black and leaking tar or something also has a weird target thingy on his chest. OH YEAH ALSO HE HAS BEEF WITH UNDERSWAP SANS ALMOST FORGOT. basically swap sans tried to make killer good and then they had a fight, swap sans lost and was on the verge of dying thankfully swap papyrus was able to save him in time i think

Dreamtale: Dream isn't in the drawing but his brother, Nightmare is. Sooo he used to not look all goooy and have tentacles n stuff but then he ate a couple hundred apples and yeah. he's six years old apparently. Nightmare and Dream are supposed to be guardians of a tree that has 500 golden apples and 500 black n goopy apples. the golden aples are positive and the goop ones are negative. you're not supposed to eat either of them cus bad shit happens. Dream and Nightmare live in a village and for whatever reason they're all dicks to Nightmare because ooughh he's the guardian of negativity that's not baller. he also goes apeshit (do u see a pattern here) and eats a goopy apple n then becomes the goop man he is today. he fuckin eats 999 apples jesus christ. and the last one is eaten by Dream because if u eat all 1000 apples u become unstoppable and immortal. so that would be a bad thing if nightmare got the last one. wop wop wop these dude aren't sanses they only have the body of one if that makes sanse.

Error: manlet. he's literally an error and that's why he's like that. also he's technically not a sans now, the redesign for him was so that he could be in the creator's webcomic named Lucidia. Error sans, aka the destroyer of aus, finds aus to be mistakes so he tries to get rid of them. his process of doing this is simple: get the human soul to the void so that they can't reset, destroy the au. he primarily attacks using his strings which can wrap around one's soul and control them. he like some aus like outertale because of how open and empty it is. he likes to be alone and has haphephobia. if u touch him he'll glitch out and possibly crash. he crashes whenever gets overwhelmed. said crashing causes him to shut down and reboot and he's powerless while doing so. he's actually pretty easy to beat if you know how to push his buttons the right way. in the og ask error blog made by his creator Loverofpiggies he kidnaps Swap sans who tries to help Error become a better person. this ends horribly as error leaves Swap sans in the void who then becomes an error aswell due to being alone in the void too long. Error actually regrets doing that to swap sans

Aftertale: OK FUN FACT THE SANS OF THIS AU, WHO'S NICKNAMED "Geno" IS ERROR. aftertale is a comic made by LoverofPiggies it's been SOOOO long since i last read it so i cant really give a good summary. but anyways Geno is trapped in the loading screen with the human and will die if he leaves the loading screen. eventually from being in the loading screen for too long after the events of aftertale he becomes Error.

OOF WOWIE THERE'S SO MUCH TO GO

Underfresh: he's not even a sans either. "Fresh" is a parasite inhabiting a skeleton. his birthday is on 4/20 which is ironic cus he doesn't like drugs. he censors swears. he speaks 90's lingo and dresses like a neon sign. for some reason he has eyebrows and a gold tooth. the glasses he has can change text but normally defaults to "YOLO". he can't feel anything since he has no soul of his own and just latches onto the host's. instead he learns how to act from the people around him. not being able to feel actually bothers him a LOT

Echotale: Aka Gaster sans. uhhh this one was also a comic if i remember correctly. basically Frisk and G!Sans are the only ones in the au and they're trying to find the core to fix the fucked up timeline that they're in but the core keeps changing positions so that sucks.

Swapfell: originally made by Khhoppang who left social media. Started out as an Alphys x Undyne au so only those two were designed but Kh was planning to design more of the characters. before they could people had a field day with the idea of mashing two aus together and SO many people came up with their own designs for sans and papyrus. Khhoppang left social media because they got overwhelmed with all the art reposters and stuff, pretty sad. the appearance of the sans in that au is the purple one with a scythe (i dont think he has a scythe in the og design).

Swapfell Red: so basically this is the swapfell made by people that isn't Khhoppang. community made per se. Sans's appearance changes constantly because as said before many people made many different designs. typically he just looks like Swap sans but with red high heel boots and his color scheme fits underfell

Fellswap (gold): Au made by blackggggum. so swapfell is underswap turned fell, fell swap is underfell swapped it takes a bit to understand that. his appearance is somewhat similar to Swapfell red. He's kind to his friends but if ur his enemy he'll fucking deck you. he's blind in his left eye, the leader of the royal guard, and secretly into dressmaking. fun fact in this au Papyrus has autism

Xtale: uuuuhhhh so Cross is a complicated one. he's part of the royal guard along with papyrus. has beef with xgaster. responsible for the downfall of his au and then Underverse happens and Ink is all "oh cool someone to mess with" and they became friends for a bit then shit hit the fan

Underfell: OOOOO YES UNIRONICALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITES. So Underfell sans is actually a very powerful mf and constantly has his magic eye activated because he has so much magic. This au is also technically an alternate timeline where monsters "lost their humanity" as the creator put it. so basically trust in the underground is scarce. Sans and papyrus, contrary to many interpretations i fucking hate, are actually on good terms (and no sans doesn't call papyrus "boss" the creator said if he does he'd do it ironically and papyrus would hate it). Fun facts he pays Grillby in socks (grillby accepts the socks as payment and wears them), if u make grillby laugh he gives u a jacket that looks like his and it's heavily implied that sans made him laugh because their jackets are similar

Underswap: ah yes another classic that i love as well. originally made by PopcornPr1nce who fled social media because they hated how the majority fandom treated Underswap (Blueberry and Carrot were popular names for the fanon swap papyrus and sans). Swap sans is constantly infantilized by the community which sucks and i hate it so i draw my own very super cool version of him whom i kin because i am also very super cool.

Outertale: mainly an aesthetic au pretty sure there's no comic of it. basically, instead of underground they in space. outer sans dies in underverse after like minutes of screentime lmao

Epictale: a comic made by Yugogeer. the og comic was retconned and the creator loathes the original version and made a reboot that's much better. Sans actually dies very early in it because Yugo hates how Sans is almost always focused on in aus. also the creator hates how meme-y their sans has become (like him saying bruh every single sentence, using a rubber chicken as a weapon, cookies, etc.) he's friends with Cross but not in canon. He has a purple magic eye that makes him immortal and i think only epic gaster could remove it which is how sans was able to be killed when he fought gaster.

Temmietale: it's undertale but everyone is temmie, don't question it

Trainertale: it's undertale but it's Pokemon, don't question it

Dancetale: it's undertale but you dance instead of fight, don't

Mobtale/Mafiatale: im unsure if mobtale and mafiatale are separate or not but they are very similar. basically undertale but mafia it's self explanatory

Undertale: no clue which au is this one, nope not at all/j

Bittytale or whatever idk: so take sans, make him small. boom. never understood this au

THAT BASTARD INK: HOOO BOY SAVED THE WORST FOR LAST. FUCK THIS GUY/j. THIS DUDE. IS THE REASON IM STILL INTO UNDERTALE AUS. I LOVE EM SO MUCH. also technically not a sans. He comes from an unfinished au and ripped his own soul to escape said au and became an outcode. for so long he was just a soulless husk until someone drew him and he got splashed with paint which let him feel. soon he learned to keep the paint in vials so that he can be able to feel 24/7. And then he learned how to create things with a paintbrush and the paint and spent time alone drawing up his own world until a portal appeared and took him to the multiverse. now he encourages artists to keep creating aus. he's the protector of aus in the sense that he keeps other outcodes from disrupting the script of the au, so if it's pacifist and an outcode tries to kill people he'd stop them, if it's genocide and an outcode tried to help them he'd stop them. no matter what he wants the au to stay on script. fun fact the creator of ink and the creator of error never had them interact with each other in canon, that was all the fandom's doing. Contrary to popular belief he's not really considered "good" his alignment is officially "Chaotic neutral". I personally interpret him a lot more chaotic than in canon because it's fun but he's a pretty chill guy actually. he can just be a bit of an ass sometimes. According to the creator of Ink (who is Comyet) his interpretation in Underverse is not canon compliant. one of the biggest canon things that underverse contradicts is Ink deliberately not taking his vials. if he were to do that in canon he'd become a husk again which is the equivalent of him "dying". he was described as a walking corpse by Comyet, without the vials he can't function anymore. Like Error he's pretty easy to beat if you know his weaknesses. also he has fears of empty spaces and being alone

off topic kinda but i very much love how Error and Ink are opposites yet parallel even though they were completely written without the other in mind. Error believes getting rid of aus is getting rid of anomalies. Ink believes people interfering with aus are anomalies. Error loves emptiness, Ink hates emptiness. list goes on it's funky fresh.

also uhhh sanses missing from that drawing that i can name from the top of my head

Seraphim sans, Insans, Dusttrust, He who shall not be named because he's from an 18+ au, Swapswap (yes. that exists), Storyshift, Inverted Fate (very good au i suggest checking it out), Negatale, Oceantale, Template, Pale, Mafiafell, Farmtale

my phone is at 9% y'all are spared from me going on

[roleplayerconfessions]

🌴 I will not name anyone, so this may sound way out in left field (or however the saying goes). I will say this happened in the Legacies fandom. Perhaps those involved will figure out what I am talking about or they never see this. At least I will get to say this out loud in a way. This happened like 1+ years ago and for the most part I have put it behind me, but every once in a while I think about it.

To give a short highlight of what happened, I had an oc character that was inspired by myself, but obviously tweaked to fit the fandom and because well it is fiction and not meant to be exactly like me. I am also not a dude and my oc is. I saw a new Hope Mikaelson account and was super exited when I looked at their page and what they had put on their google doc. I was like over the moon excited. But she never followed me. I felt rejected and that the reason was obviously something I was doing wrong. Now, despite this person's assumptioon I wasn't exactly fighting people off with a lightsaber. Activity was low despite my efforts, which kind or re-enforced that it is something I am doing wrong. Maybe my writing isn't good or not that interesting. I was determined to figure it out and fix it.

To give some context, I have autism, social anxiety, general anxiety, ADHD, low self-esteem and depression. What I didn't know at the time and wish I had was that one of the things people with ADHD experience is they will feel the right emotion for the situation but at a higher intensity. So while I felt rejected and anxiety, which are valid emotions in this situation, I felt them at a higher intensity than nerotypical people would. It made my anxiety worse. I was fixated on figuring out how to be more likable and what would make people want to write with me. If I could change this person's mind (the hope mikaelson mun) then maybe other people would give me a chance too. I did have a thread with two of her friends and I did confide in them, one more so than the other. But after a few days it got back to the person I was hoping to impress. The blocked me, which made me feel even worse. We went back and forth in the indie legacies rp tag.

I confided in two people I write with (well no the only two I wrote with at the time) and they both felt that while my reaction was not okay the person could have just told me why they did not want to write with me. That it would have prevented a lot of this, that despite the fact she didn't owe me an explination it is human nature to want one. No matter what they said in my head at least it was entirely my fault. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. The end resault is still the same. I know what I did wrong, I awknowledge and accept responisbility for it. If anyone else had any fault then that is on them.

Even to this day even though she doesn't write on that account (well since I last heard anyway) none of her friends will write with me. I followed another Hope Mikaelson acc who apparently is friends with her and she was nice to me and about three days later she blocked me for literally no reason. I just let it go. Figured the situation I just explained was why and just accepted it and moved on. It's what I wish I had done before.

I will never not be sorry for what happened and I will always regret how I behaved, wished I had made better choices and got advise on how to handle it in a way they would not cause drama. But I did learn that no one is worth feeling rejected over, nor can I make or earn someones desire to intereact with me. It is always best to just let it go and move on. Even if it means stepping away for a while.

I am not looking for feedback from anyone. I just wanted to say this and hopefully find peace with all of it. I am human, I made mistakes, but I am also learning. I am worth peoples time and effort and if they believe I am not then that is their loss, not mine.

[wigglebox]

I don't think it'll insult anyone but I'll x the name in case :) :

I just was reminded by this, I remember at least 10 years ago (I feel old, I only turned 25 the other day), I had a big crush on RDJ, and ofc I had a friend who was like ew because he's essentially the same age as my mum (this was before I even had a tumblr - which is where years later that it's totally normal to have crushes on men twice your age, and low and behold I would continue crushing on elder celebrities, the youngest being Taron Egerton - I like to joke to people that someday I'll marry him, but that's a story for another time.

ANYWAY my friend her parents and my dad were going to see a movie and they were like (idk who said this) why don't you have a crush on X or something since he's apparently closer or more appropriate to crush on considering he's a lot younger (he was 11 years older than me) (also I just realised that Misha Collins is like 11 years younger than RDJ, who I co-crushed on - I say co-crushed because I was also crushing on Jensen and Misha after crushing on rdj).

I think my point is, after thinking about that incident with one of the adults saying I should have a crush on x actor instead, it can age like milk cause you didn't do your research or you're just crushing on someone because everyone else is - and then suddenly it just something happens.

I guess also in another aspect had I crushed on any sort of celebrity just because everyone else would be doing it, it would be masking of some sort because I would be trying to fit in (I am on the spectrum after all and movies/actors was/kinda is, although has died down a bit one of my special interest)s Don't blindly crush on a celebrity just because someone says you should have a crush on that person instead because it's more 'socially respectful' without doing your research. Also masking is a big issue amongst the autism/aspergers community, especially women. I think that's what is so good about fandom in a way because you realise it's actually normal to have such crushes on actors that are that age e.g. Jensen Ackles is like around the same age as my aunt.

I should probably say that said actor got ‘cancelled and in a tonne of controversy years later so in a way lesson is don’t crush on a celebrity just because everyone else is, crush on a celebrity if your judgement is telling you that that person is a good person

sorry nonny you dropped this then i had two work meetings lol.

but yeah i remember getting some weird looks from friends or my mom when i said i had a little crush on alan rickman like man i loved that man! but he was older than both my parents at the time.

i also had a crush on danrad but i also really liked him! i always gravitated to having a crush on an older actor. never feel like you have to stoop down to your own age group just because you're pressured to.

adhd folks mask too, i do it a lot, so i completely get it. to me it's like, crushing on timothy chardonay without any kind of connection, but just doing it because everyone else thinks the guy is cute or whatever.

we don't really form 'crushes' in my opinion, we just admire 1) talent 2) obviously whatever attractiveness they have and not all of them are conventionally pretty which is actually more of a bonus for a lot of us and 3) what they present to us about their life is something we connect to.

sometimes we just don't find that with actors or public figures our own age. i had THEE biggest crush on charlize theron when i was younger and it was before i realized that being gay was an option, but since then, i don't really have a crush on her, I just think she's pretty and very talented.

with the SPN cast it's an extra layer of "something" because those actors and cast and crew are rather forward with us and there's a level of communication that you can really only find in a show like this that's lasted for so long, has their own conventions, and interacts so much with fandom. Misha does this the most — but we also have to remember they only show us what they want and that there is always another life BTS 98% of which we don't know anything about haha.

And it sucks when, young or older, you get to really liking an actor to support them and then they turn out to be scumbags — i hate that it's the worst feeling in the world.

But so long as that for the most part, if you just know what you're doing, who cares if you have a crush on Tim the Twink [affectoinate] or Ganalf the Grey it really doesn't matter so long as it's someone you believe in, think is talented, want to support, etc etc. That always comes first. You don't want to blindly follow someone just because you connect more in age and you wanna get railed by them. That's a whole different thing IMO.

but like you said in your second message: crush on a celebrity if your judgement is telling you that that person is a good person

[tammyhybrid21]

Autism & Neurodivergent Headcanons

TODAY IS A SCREAMING ABOUT AUTISM DAY!

Because apparently it's just the mood, and well, not entirely Autism, but like-- the kind of characters I enjoy. And rule number one is Neurodivergent Coded, in one form or another... Which is mostly Autism, but not always.

So, let's talk about some of the Neurodivergent ICONS I love.

So first, I'm going to go back to my OLDEST, well, okay more like second oldest fandom. With Sonic, specifically Sonic SatAM. And the character who STILL to this DAY defines my taste in characters about 75% of the time.

So, let's talk. This character, I have... no idea how many pages of a sketchbook I have just filled with him. But this is Antoine. D'Coolette in the comics, Depardieu in the cartoon. And he was my first... well, the FIRST character I ever so whole heartedly latched onto. Which is projection and the whole nine yards of that mess. Hell I have old, old OCs who I made into his family and just-- yeah--

So, Antoine, he's the coward of the show, the comic relief and the joke that's picked on. He's also ALWAYS anxious, has special focus and interests and lacks even basic social skills and has issues with vocalizing things properly. Antoine, ticks all the autism flags for me, with additional anxiety. Along with just, massive underdog sense. You need to remember, this was MY CHARACTER, as a kid.

And he still is. I could talk for ages on all the little things that he does that are Autistic or Autistic coded, but that would be a WHOLE other big giant post, and we're not really here for that, but just screaming briefly about Characters I love who're definitely ND

Meanwhile still on Sonic.

LOOK AT THIS ADHD ICON!

Like look! Look! The simple fact is, this is the first truly Nurodivergent ICON form of Sonic we have seen! And I mean that, before and always he was just-- fast. But have you watched the MOVIE?! And okay, there are jokes in the comics and even in the cartoon, but those were always really brief and not enough but Movie Sonic?! Like, this is the baby Sonic! This is definitely ADHD Sonic! This is the TRUE BLUE!

Although I will miss the old school Sonic from SatAM, I will not miss him being rather mean spirited towards my Autism Icon of a character. Which seriously, I have-- many complaints about SatAM on rewatching it as an adult, but one of the biggest is just generally how mean spirited Sonic is... as an aside though, I do still appreciate the series and wish that it got the completion it deserved, and Archie doesn't count.

ALSO BONUS.

Without further comments.

The og ADHD "Sonic". Also Sonic Underground has its charm and place FITE ME!

Soooo, we all know, ALL KNOW! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS AUTISTIC! But I would also, like to just make some comments in general about Sans. So let's lump the Skelebros together and talk about them. Papyrus is the obvious Autistic Icon! In so, so many ways, and damn it, I also have many, many comments to make on the who is older debate, but number one-- I want to talk about something in regards to Sans.

The general image we all have in the fandom is depression, but I would also like to raise Anxiety. And it's all subtle. But both the brothers are not neurotypical and people can FITE ME! I will counter with examples from the game and even some of the characterizations that you yourselves write people!

Also, on anxiety, we get a very small glimpse, but I think Papyrus has it as well, and that's just sad...

Benjamin Tennyson from his series by the same name. ADHD ICON! Also, the best kid with Aliens on his wrist, but only up to the end of Ultimate Alien and we do NOT talk about the retcons in Omniverse and beyond...

But Ben is not just ADHD, I have a missing half complete rant about Benjamin here and Autism, but I will cite Sumo Slammers as the BIG THING! Like do you know how many episodes of the Original series had him just-- deviating from the plot because THIS IS MY SPECIAL INTEREST! Like, that's big, and even grown up-- and he has routines and places that matter to the HEIGHT OF IMPORTANCE! That might be stupid to a casual observer, but for me. Yep.

Icon!

Also just like, who doesn't want to have aliens at their fingertips, tell me?!

And the whole Uchiha Clan in general. And since this is a topic I've ranted on multiple times, I don't really think I need to talk about it again, just go dig through my Naruto tag, or my Autism one... or both, I don't really care. But this whole clan is one big Autistic Family. Also obvious from this series...

And the Number 1 Knuckleheaded Ninja himself. At least pre-shippuden and early on the boy is the ADHD icon! Actually, honestly, all Uzumaki are-- Again, this isn't something I really need to talk about, but I will complain a LOT about how badly Naruto was handled, and I do have many half finished angry rants about how they lost his empathy and it became so self-centered and just--

This boy annoys me beyond belief due to how it was handled.

For some amusement, I'll be honest-- there is only one member of Mystery Incorporated who I don't think is Neurodivergent, and no-- it's not the dog.

No but seriously. I have-- many, many feelings on this show, most of them really honestly too much for me to honestly put into enough words. But on the whole, one of the big things in NOBODY HERE FEELS TYPICAL! They're all neurodivergent best friends aside one single member, and I have many emotions and feelings, and just-- they're so, so good.

Shaggy definitely has some kind of anxiety, Freddy I have a whole rant somewhere about how he's Autistic, Velma gives off some MASSIVE OCD vibes, particularly when faced with challenges to her boxed world-view and while we could debate that to Autism-- not really... Scooby like Shag, has anxious, but he's also a Great Dane--

And Daphne minds them all!

I will also fight you on Vivi! Of course everyone already knows Arthur and anxiety-- but Vivi is SO Autistic/ADHD herself! Like you don't understand!

AND I CAN AND WILL SCREAM MORE ABOUT THESE TWO AS WELL!

Like! I do not think people yet understand! I am THIS CLOSE to digging more into the movies to see if I can find points for Sara and even Tiffany for being Autistic, but these two are the CLEAR AND OBVIOUS Cases! AND I LOVE THEM! Like, Tadeo took a while to grow on me, he's actions in the sequel are... well... But I do not think I could scream more about how clear these two are as Autistic Icons.

ESPECIALLY MUMMY!

Who's not just Autistic but confirmed as Asexual and nb!

Unfortunately I have a less than happy rant about Tadeo coming up, but right now! Let's just appreciate the sheer Autism this series has on display with not one but two characters the fandom can point out the signs in!

Not Autism surprisingly, but I would like to make an aside here for Héctor! For all I relate and ADORE Héctor! It's not Autism that he flags as. Not at all. I mean we can argue about it, people can have that headcanon, but I am firmly over here like, for all those signs there are some BIG things missing for that to click into place. And I do have a piecemeal rant in the process of being made--

But for now.

Héctor Rivera is the REAL ADHD ICON!

Inattentive ADHD, And he's such a GOOD boy for it as well. Like excuse me?! EXCUSE ME! This Papá may be distracted, impulsive and not exactly good at keeping details in his mind, or responsible with property or establishing boundaries but he's really, really a GOOD icon for ADHD! Also, contrasting--

As an aside as well, Anxiety.

That is all.

Miguel and Victoria though, yeah they're Autistic for sure!

Anyway... this is enough of my screaming, so yeah... just a small glimpse of those Neurodivergent characters I love.

[soysaucevictim]

Okay. So onto the reflective stuff. Been thinking about this post for awhile now.

(I don’t even remember when/how.)

Copied much of the cited refs into a document and been seeing how many traits I’ve been able to identify? It is/was kind of fun... but then I’m so damn introspective anyways. :,D

-

I’ve highlighted a few different items in a few different places and have made some comments on some sections, here’s some of my own observations?

Like from the DSM-V § B.2.

Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat same food every day).

I noted it’s less of a need, but I do have a tendency to eat the same food a lot if left to my own devices. Usually because it takes a bit too much effort to change things up very often? (I ate A LOT of cheesy potatoes and burnt peanuts in college.) I tend to wear the same clothes – especially my tie-dye Ts because I like how they look. I don’t like depending on others when making any sort of scheduled arrangements if they are unreliable (I hate having giant question marks in my schedule, it actually distresses me a lot ). See also commentary on ASAN’s listed characteristics (esp. in regard to structure).

-

I think I’ll just talk about ASAN’s list next in this post... as it might get a bit overly verbose to cram into this post.

Different sensory experiences.

I have had a history of high audio acuity, however this seems to come and go. I noticed it’s often hard to really focus on lyrical content in music, I have to be really intentional about it. But I can get really into abrasive, frenetic, and/or complex music genres like industrial/breakcore/psytrance. I absolutely adore music with good bass-lines. I have very high color acuity. I feel like I experience a miniature shutdown to flashing lights in a moving vehicle, specifically if we are passing by a lot of trees with the sun flashing through. But I do think there might be at least something to sensory overload at the prospect of driving; it feels like a lot of things I need to be paying attention to at once. Internal sensation processing is inconsistent – and sometimes leads me to hypochondriac thinking. I do have a marked pickiness toward meats in general. And I prefer loose-fitting clothes more than tight-fitting stuff.

Non-standard ways of learning and approaching problem solving.

In both of the psych evaluations I’ve been a part of – my visual-spatial nonverbal reasoning skill is notably above average. I actually take a lot of joy in tests like that Block Design aspect – it’s fun to mentally rearrange and organize imagery (apparently this skill intersects with planning ability – which I’m far better with than spontaneity in general). My long-term memory is very good, especially when it comes to special interests and academic/scientific knowledge (less so for autobiographical information, personal details of others such as birthdays, and areas of lesser interest – like sports or encyclopedic history). My working memory is hard to rely on however, and benefit the most from taking notes when given verbal instructions.

Deeply focused thinking and passionate interests in specific subjects.

As above – one particular area of interest for me is medicine, its various specialties, and how it intersects with other disciplines (toxicology, psychology, biochemistry, biophysics, etc.). I’ve had an interest in it ever since I was a child (one of my earliest birthday requests was an anatomy book.) Parents’ peers have remarked before how knowledgeable/precocious I was on the subject. This kind of intersects with my fascination for horror – especially body horror and characters experiencing some form of it. One of the current artifacts being from fandom culture – a character known as Ink. And another extension of medicine is fitness, a subject that has been a pervasive conversation topic ever since I began exercising regularly (Sept. 2015).

Atypical, sometimes repetitive, movement.

I have a tendency to pick at my nails and cuticles and then rubbing them on my face and lip for the texture – especially if nervous or bored. Leg bouncing, swiveling in chair, for both those states and sometimes if excited. I tend to fold/stretch my legs in weird ways while seated and in private. And I do find that exercise tends to feel like a form of happy stimming the majority of the time.

Need for consistency, routine, and order.

My grandma remarked that I was a neat kid – always put away the crayons when I was finished. I also thrived in the structured environment that was school and the miniday logging tool one of my therapists introduced to me was a lifesaver. Without structure, I tend to find myself in a constant dissociative haze.

Difficulties in understanding and expressing language as used in typical communication, both verbal and non-verbal.

I’m not really sure about this one, yet. Having a side interest in linguistics, makes me reasonably communicative. But then people have said I tend to use a lot of jargon and sometimes obscure words - so maybe my pragmatic language skills are atypical. Maybe this is one of those things other people can see more easily in me than I do of myself. :Ic

Difficulties in understanding and expressing typical social interaction.

Grandma did have to buy me an etiquette book as a kid. I had a real problem with expressing gratitude via “please” & “thank you”s. I’ve since learned the value of those expressions. But it’s demanding for me to engage in small talk and unnatural for me respond to gratitude from others (“you’re welcome” or “no problem”; I tend to feel as if it can be an invitation to being taken advantage of – even though this might not be substantiated most of the time).

-

(I also observed and vibed a lot with those “atypical autism traits” posts a lot. Amongst other criteria. But yeah, this is long enough for now~)

Of course I’ll need to stew on all this more - for my friends/followers on this spectrum? Thoughts?

[the-sapphire-general]

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 3)

Well I did say I would make a third part if I had more in mind about Sephiroth. And much to my surprise, there is more! So here it is! Parts 1 and 2 can be found here so you can keep up just in case I mention anything from those posts:

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 1)

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 2)

Now this one will be a little different because I will include more about the portrayals I've seen throughout the Internet, my own opinions about them, and my own portrayal. Plus I will include the essay I wrote about him for one of my college courses and I might say random things about Sephiroth that I will discuss. 

First will be the portrayals of Sephiroth I have noticed throughout the Internet. I will not attack any of these or offend anyone who has these headcanons. I respect everybody's headcanons, and it's a good thing too because being a jerk to anyone who has portrayals that are different from yours is stupid and a waste of time. I have friends whose portrayals are varied, and we don't fight over how Sephiroth should act. Love them, hate them, be neutral to them, just as long as you handle this in a mature manner. 

Now I have mentioned the portrayal of Sephiroth where he's unnaturally hypersexual in part 1, so I will not go into detail about it anymore. It's already been done. Another one I will not discuss again is the mindless killing machine portrayal (mentioned in part 2). To those who do or like these portrayals, I dislike them but I will respect your choice.

Now for the portrayals. The ones I really enjoy are the ones for his Crisis Core self (or pre-Nibelheim if you want to put it that way). As I have stated before, I can relate to his past personality, so I really like a lot of the headcanons. Picturing him, say, struggling to socialize, not knowing much of certain things (i.e. video games), spending time with friends, basically being human is heartwarming for me. I take it a lot of people like CC Sephiroth, and who wouldn't? There was this one story where Sephiroth took a liking to lemon drops, which is one thing I added to my own headcanon page on my blog. I found it rather sweet and cute. That's like me but with chocolate. I love chocolate. And then there's one where he has no idea what a sitcom is due to his sheltered upbringing, and it was pretty amusing to picture Genesis and Angeal trying to explain it to him as they watched TV. There are many others that I don't think I can list since there are so many of them, and for a lot of them, I like them. There's some that I don't, but that's just my personal opinion.

Now for the Sephiroth we all know after the Nibelheim Incident. Man, I'm beginning to remember what I've read. It's hard for me to find some portrayals that I like because the ones I've seen so far were unsettling. Sephiroth being a sadistic rapist is one of the worst ones I've seen so far. Not as in the stories are poorly written or something like that but for me, it's one of my least favorite portrayals. I get that he lost his mind, but I believe he wouldn't go that far. I wouldn't go that far with my own portrayal because it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Just thinking about it makes me uneasy.

I confess that I don't know my limits when it comes to portraying Sephiroth. For a long time, I've been trying to grasp his evil demeanor and I still hesitate to go further and struggle to get inside his head sometimes. So I don't know how far I can go with dark, twisted, cruel scenarios, but rape is one of my limits. I won't reveal the user, but I was recently asked if I could do necrophilia. When I got the question, I was speechless. That's another one of my limits. I really can't imagine Sephiroth being...intimate with a corpse. Much to my relief, they respected my opinion. And I like that. People should respect others because everyone has limits and if I have to force myself to write Sephiroth doing rape, acting all creepily intimate around Jenova, asphyxiation (as in the kink), or something that I don't see him doing, I won't enjoy the roleplays at all. I used to wish I could please everybody, but that's an impossible goal and I should keep in mind about what I want and don't want to do. Again, I don't know my limits too well, so if anyone wants to RP with me on my Sephiroth blog and it involves something that you're not sure if I accept or not, please message me. I'll try to get out of my comfort zone, but please respect my limits. If I don't do certain things, there are other Sephiroth blogs out there. It's simple and it will prevent pointless drama.

My portrayal for Sephiroth is close to his canon self but mixed with his CC side and my own headcanons. I try to stay close to canon as I write, and I silently read what I wrote and then read it out loud while picturing Sephiroth saying it. If what I wrote doesn't work, I revise them until they sound like Sephiroth. It's still not easy because I'm still struggling with his dark, insane, cruel self, the villain everyone knows and loves. One thing is certain is I do try my best to make him more human but still maintaining his character. I can't make him too human or else that ruins his cold and distant qualities, like making him fall madly in love with someone or bawling his eyes out. Now I haven't seen these examples anywhere, so I'm just throwing in random hypothetical headcanons here. The point is I do try my best not to make him too kind, soft, patient, you know, real nice or else that's not really Sephiroth. Lol But I also don't make him relentlessly cruel to the max 24/7. Both extremes aren't portrayals I like, so I am tackling middle ground. It's possible, and if others don't like my portrayal, that's fine, but they shouldn't judge me for it.

Since I'm discussing my own portrayal, I might as well explain other things about it. Let's see, he has interests outside of trying to destroy/conquer the world and messing with Cloud. My character is a loyal follower. Her profile isn't on my blog but her name is Maybelle Rose, and she's Sephiroth's love interest. Speaking of this, I make Sephiroth a bit of a Tsundere towards others, not necessarily involving romance like with Maybelle. He doesn't act like a stereotypical Tsundere, but he's a very, very subtle version. 

Romance. Now this is something that might piss off so many, but I can picture him in a relationship. No, I'm not talking about Crisis Core Sephiroth. I mean post-CC. Say what you want, but I can see it. If done well, it can work. I don't like following the stereotype that villains are incapable of love. Some villains can truly be incapable of love, but not ALL villains. It's not mandatory. A friend of mine claims that Sephiroth is bland. Now I completely disagree with his opinion, but it did give me confidence in pursing romance regarding Sephiroth. Heroes are written as human beings, why not do the same for villains? That's what makes characters compelling, it makes them real. That's what I'm basically trying to do with Sephiroth, and as challenging as it may be at times and despite people probably going against this idea as they read this, I'll do it. My blog now allows shippings. Yes, I now accept shippings. I used to not accept them, but I changed my mind. My reasons are shown in my rant here:

Sephiroth Fandom Rant

Okay I know I said I wouldn't mention the hypersexual Sephiroth portrayal, but I might as well. If he were in a romantic relationship, he wouldn't be like that. Sephiroth doesn't get horny around everyone. Seriously, he's not a sex-obsessed maniac. Sephiroth is a private man with dignity and he would never act extremely sexual, let alone sexual in general. He would be intimate with his significant other, but it would be in a normal level and he would be intimate in private. And I must add that my portrayal does involve Sephiroth having kinks, but he's not sex-obsessed like I said. He has self-control and he keeps things private. 

Now for the next thing. I wrote this essay over two years ago, and apparently I kept it after all this time. Lol Yes I wrote an essay about Sephiroth, back when I was still somewhat of a new fan. The assignment was to do a paper on a criminal, real or fictional, and diagnose them with specific personality disorders. However, it didn't mean that they HAD to have any of these disorders. We just had to show the instructor that we understood the material we have learned during class. Take a look at my essay here:

Essay on Sephiroth

Fun fact: My other choice for this assignment was Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. XD But Sephiroth was a better candidate and I was able to write more about him than I could have ever done about Gaston. Schizoid Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder were two of the ten types of personality disorders that came close to Sephiroth's behavior. I don't consider either of these disorders as my personal headcanons for him. I honestly never did despite Schizoid PD being pretty close. And much to my shock, my instructor liked my paper and I wound up getting an A! I never got an A on any papers, so it felt amazing to finally get a grade that was higher than a C.

Speaking of psychology, one headcanon that's somewhere online is that Sephiroth has autism. Well, it is possible because I have a friend who is autistic, but during my research on this condition, I don't see Sephiroth as autistic. Sure some of his traits do seem to resemble signs and symptoms, but speculation isn't considered a confirmation that he has autism. He might have it but I would rather have Square Enix confirm it if he really is autistic. On another note, I do understand why they headcanon him as autistic. They relate to Sephiroth because some of his traits remind them of themselves. I get that and if they think he's autistic, that's okay with me. This headcanon is also given to Papyrus from Undertale and Pearl and Peridot from Steven Universe, so I'm familiar with this. Even L from Death Note is believed to be autistic. To be honest, I kind of believe it regarding L. That's just my opinion, though.

Tangent aside, courtesy of a friend, I am more intrigued by Sephiroth in a new level. Aside from his appearance and personality, his intelligence, the way he thinks has me curious. Yes I have been trying to get into his head to improve my portrayal, and I think I found a strategy. If I want to portray and act like Sephiroth, I have to think like him...in less destructive ways, might I add. Lol I may not be an expert as Sephiroth yet, but I'll get there. I've come this far on my blog, and I'm not throwing it all away. 

Speaking of my Sephiroth blog, besides that it would be fun and such, I created my own blog because I wanted to express my passion for him. He's one of my role models that made me stronger and I just really admire him. And like I said, I knew I could connect with other fans. Sure, there's a toxic side of the fandom, but that won't stop me. I did feel offended several days ago, as mentioned in my rant, but I'm fine now. In addition to my reasons, I didn't start the blog for fame. Popularity isn't really a big deal for me, I just want to show everyone how much of a Sephiroth fan I am in creative ways. Besides, I found the thought of portraying Sephiroth a fun challenge considering he's my opposite, and he pretty much started my fascination for villains. I also made friends thanks to the blog, one of them being my best friend here on Tumblr. :)

Now to finish this post with one more thing. When I was still a new Sephiroth fan, I confess that I tried to redeem him. Of course it was a difficult task to do for a story, and I admit I was determined to do it. However, as I kept going, I slowly realized doing this implied I didn't like him the way he is, the villain he is widely known as instead of what he used to be before discovering his origins. So I drifted away from redemption and focused on Sephiroth on who he is without changing him. Today, I love Sephiroth for who he is, cruel, cold, calculating, everything. Why change a character you're supposed to love? You wouldn't do that to a real-life partner, or anyone in general. Sephiroth wouldn't have liked me for trying to make him turn a new leaf. Lol So I never pursued redemption for him again. It was too hard anyway. It's like trying to redeem the Joker! That's how hard it was for me. So screw that mind-numbing task, Sephiroth should remain as the badass villain I have grown to love.

Well, this is it. For real this time! Lol This is my final part of the "My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth" posts. I said everything I had to say about Sephiroth as I included all my thoughts, feelings, etcetera. I'm out of things to say about him, so no fourth post! XD If I ever have more Sephiroth-related comments that comes to mind, I'll just make small posts. Will I make more long posts like these? Perhaps. I had fun writing these posts. Maybe I can tackle other topics, or maybe talk about another character in detail. Well, see ya!

[random-thought-depository]

I think @adepta-astarte/Purplekitte’s Primarch gender-swap ideas are cool, but I have a different interpretation of what Mara would be like.

I see a lot of autism coding and chronic pain/invisible disability coding in Mortarion. I think this is why I’ve always found him one of the more compelling Primarchs: I think I’m autistic or something and I have persistent low-level physical pain and a self-sacrificing streak, so I find it easy to see him as someone whose outer and inner struggles remind me of my own; he reminds me of the part of myself that once tried to tough out a serious toe infection because I didn’t want my mother to have to pay for my treatment.

I see Mara as very similar to Mortarion, and as very masculine/butch/GNC in ways that are totally tied into her brain-weirdness. She doesn’t object to wearing feminine clothing in principle, but most feminine clothing and associated things (long hair, make-up, jewelry) irritates her sensory sensitivities. She’s very strong and tough and fast, but she’s clumsy with small delicate objects and small finicky movements, so she’s a lot better at the kind of manual labor an agricultural society codes male, and this influenced her early experience of gender a lot. Femininity emphasizes a lot of the human things that are most difficult for her, like being pretty and sociable and good at emotion work. I see Mara experiencing her alienation from femininity as an extension of her alienation from humanity in general.

I see Mara’s early childhood as a lot more gender-neutral than Purplekitte does. I always saw Mortarion’s introversion in terms of ... he was raised by beings that were not human, that did not teach him to be human, he had to learn to be human later, and having learned it so late it never became easy for him. So I see the Barbaran overlords as inhuman beings, who wouldn’t share human things like gender roles, and who’d treat Mara and Mortarion about the same way.

I started writing a fanfic based on these thoughts a while ago, but it probably won’t be ready for posting before next year because I want to finish some other writing projects first. Also, I think I should read more Horus Heresy novels before I finish the fic, I’m mostly going by fandom osmosis at this point. Some other Mara ideas from my unfinished fanfic (a lot of these are just my Mortarion headcanons):

I actually did name her Mara, thanks @adepta-astarte for giving me permission to do that, it was better than any name I could think of.

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In my mind’s eye Mara looks a lot like @newvagabond but really big (she’s one of the bigger Primarchs, so she’d be bigger than this guy), with the body type of Julie Bell, a kinda sea-creature grey-white complexion, a stronger chin and gold eyes, and a lot of scars (I asked New and she said it was OK to mention this). I think there’s a couple of reasons my brain made that connection, and the spoonie thing is one of them.

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Mara was badly abused as a child, especially during the early years when the tyrant saw her as a biological curiosity instead of a potentially valuable future minion. Some of the things that were done to her permanently physically damaged her (her inhumanly white appearance is a manifestation of that).

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Mara has some sensorimotor issues:

- She has unpleasant sensory sensitivities. Everything feels jagged. Sensations scratch, bite, itch, burn, poke, tickle-scratch, are too much. Many things feel bad and few things feel good. Constant low-level pain is the background noise of her life

- She’s fast and graceful by human or even Space Marine standards, but every movement feels like it takes more effort than it should, as if her brain has to shout at her body, as if her limbs are moving through mud, and it’s frustrating. She’s also clumsy with small delicate objects and small finicky movements.

She treats these problems as embarrassing secrets and resists making any concessions to self-care.

She also has the autistic restricted food preference thing, but will eat almost anything anyway; she had to do that as a matter of survival during childhood and she’s exactly the kind of person who’d rather low-key torture herself than ask for accommodation.

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Mara ran away from the tyrant around 8-10 years old or whatever the Primarch years equivalent is, and was adopted by a human community shortly thereafter. I think that scenario evokes the feel of autistic/ND alienation better than her having run away as an adult.

She had an adoptive mother-figure: an old widow. This woman had an adult non-verbal autistic son who lived with her, and raising such a child gave her experience that was useful in dealing with Mara (knowing how to touch her in a way that didn’t irritate her sensory sensitivities, recognizing when she was feeling overloaded, etc.).

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Mara is mostly asexual, but she has proto-sexual crushes and proto-sexual sensual attraction. The analogy she thinks of for her own sexuality is a pot that sometimes comes to the verge of boiling but never boils, or a plant that never blooms because the soil it’s in is too stony and sour. She could probably enjoy sex, but she feels no strong desire for it. She’s relieved at being asexual, because she thinks her being celibate makes things simpler for herself and everyone else. She has never had a romantic relationship, and she has never had sex.

The closest thing she’s had to a lover was a girl a few years older than her in her adoptive village, who was her one childhood friend. She and this girl did a proto-sexual “take off our clothes and study each other’s bodies because we’re curious” thing as young teenagers. Later on this girl started training to be a singer/oral storyteller, and Mara had a strong sensual attraction to her voice (in my mind’s ear this girl’s singing sounds like this). This girl picked up that Mara was attracted to her and offered to have sex with her, but Mara wasn’t comfortable with that idea so nothing happened. They might have become lovers eventually but this girl died young from disease.

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Mara started her rebellion against the overlords when she was a young teenager. When they’d been grooming her to be a minion the tyrant taught her a lot of stuff about weapons, and she taught the Barbaran peasants how to make cross-bows, guns, cannons, greek-fire-like-stuff, bombs etc.. She has a techie-nerdy side, but it often isn’t appreciated.

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Relationships with other Primarchs (note, I haven’t figured out which other ones I’d gender-swap in this AU):

- Horus is one of the very few living close friends/intimates she has. He’s likely one of the very few people she’s told about her sensorimotor issues. They have a close older-brother/little-sister type relationship.

- She does not get along well with Fulgrim and Ferrus Manus. Given their schtick they strike me as likely to not get along well with a sibling they see as broken or defective. They don’t know the details of her condition, but they have eyes and they’re bright, they see and judge, and she can see them seeing and judging (and hear the occasional snide comment). She has some sensual attraction to how pretty and graceful and perfect Fulgrim is, which makes her resent him more, as she finds being attracted to him humiliating.

- She doesn’t get along with Magnus for the same reason Mortarion doesn’t: the Barbaran overlords were sorcerers, sorcery has bad associations for her, and she knows enough about it to have some idea how dangerous it is.

- Her default opinion of Leman Russ is “charismatic popular guy who finds all the stuff I struggle with easy,” and envy based on that. Going by some interpretations, may be surprised how relatable some of his experiences are to her if they have the right conversation.

- She probably dislikes Purplekitte’s interpretation of gender-swapped Russ for the same reason she dislikes Magnus: she doesn’t like sorcerers. Though I have an extremely vague notion of an enemies-to-friends fic for those two based on finding the mental image of Ljufa trying to teach Mara her weaving-sorcery thing interesting (Mara did textile work as a child but did not like it, especially sowing - her fingers were clumsy and she kept stabbing herself with the needle).

- I think she might have a very interesting relationship with Lorgar. Lorgar is another Primarch I easily read as possibly autistic, though in a way that’s only apparent if you’ve noticed a particular thinking style that I think may be autism-associated but that doesn’t fit common autistic stereotypes. Mara and Lorgar seem to me like kind of symmetrical opposites in terms of their relationships to brain-weirdness, embodiment, Primarchness, and gender (the symmetry isn’t perfect, but then gender is asymmetrical; gender-nonconformity tends to be a lot less accepted in men). I’m not saying I ship these two, but I’m not not saying it.

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I should do a Primarch autistic headcanons post sometime.