#also i hope you dont mind i chose to compile this into one post!!!! i wanted to make sure i didnt spam my followers SKJDSJDJJD

[definitelynotshouting]

 (he can't say it's excitement, because he isn't actually keen to die– but it's something. A bit like hope, a lot like loss, in the shape of grief and threaded, ultimately, with desperate relief)

this sentence means everything to me, it is so

im speechless, what can i say? it's written so. it's so descriptive. it's so simple for such a complex feeling. it hits me in my lungs in a way different but similar to whenever im re-reading the little prince and especially the part when the geograph describes the boy's rose ephemeral

shouting, what are you doing to me? /pos

[asks continued past readmore]

He appears at what this world's spawn must be. It's a lovely place– all lush trees and flowing water, meadowgrass filling the air with the heady scent of spring. After so long in darkness, it makes his eyes burn with the adjustment, his senses flooding him with a deluge of new information. Grian trembles, curling his hands into fists, and begins to walk, following the vague trail that this server's owner has left for him to follow.

the same little princes rose anon

your writing is so amazing actually, like ive already thought so from the moment i met you but now im stopping and thinking back and taking it in anew.

your writing i mean, the way you describe things is so unique and high level and your words bring some kind of satisfaction trailing behind them

it is a joy to read i love how you interlace inner emotions with world building together like braids

if your writing was a braid it would be full of sunshine and pretty flowers, while the hair remains lustrous and royal and golden :)

Somewhere in front of him, Mumbo actually swears. The rapid rustle of cloth is his only warning before hands are on either side of his face, lifting his head and grazing into his hairline. "Grian?" Mumbo's voice is sharp. "Hey now, you– come on, open your eyes, alright? Don't be a spoon about this, please. You're not– come on. Eyes open. Grian, listen to me."

you are so sick for this, nobody even died and yet im shedding tears. that is mumbo. that is mumbo and he's horrified for grian. i love you - 🥀

your writing is so amazing i wish there was a compliment boost section, where someone could chip in to let those 1000 people absolutely gut wrenched, staring into their ceiling processing, madly in love with your writing unleash their inner demons by reminding you that you're amazing and there is no one else like you on this earth, and you mean so much to random people <3

- 🥀

Another rustle to his right: "Grian," another voice pipes up, and Grian's heart does that funny, agonizing flip again, because Scar's voice is shaking in a way he hasn't heard before. He sounds scared. "Grian, hey– hey. Look at me?" Grian looks at him, struggling to focus, the fog clouding his mind in one thick blanket. He's unfairly lovely with this backdrop of stars, and his face is pale too. "Grian, what are these?"

scratch that you deserve the thousands of soldiers marching into your dm's as if loverboys just send out by their wifes into the heart of the battle, dutifully complimenting you complimenting you and complimenting you, you deserve to open your mail to so many letters they will explode and cover your entire lawn and it will so much worse than the chicken/dragon pranktastrophy grian himself will blush, and doc will perish.

(they'll bury him in a chicken onesie) - 🥀

your writing is so intricate actually, binge drinked the whole fic and I have to say I'm so impressed with your Pearl characterisation

good nutritions my lovely spinning yoyo girl, she's shaped like those vitamin gummies you want to stick a handful into your mouth as a kid

also there is something so? distinct about the way the work passes through chapters. it feels as if everytime im switching onto the next one the theatre room curtains close, just to reopen to a different scene.

it feels like it takes moments, and weeks at the same time- the passing between the scenes. like if Grian breathed one moment and he was here, and then he breathed next one and he was...

still here? how long has passed between those moments? time seems to not hold much meaning here, like it runs on it's own rules despite anything.

maybe it was as long as it takes for an update, that's how much time has passed since one meeting till next one, maybe it's been a milisecond. - 🥀

ANON HOLY SHIT A WHOLEASS LIVEBLOG AND MULTIPLE COMPLIMENTS THROWN INTO MY ASKBOX????? OH MY GODS /POS THANK YOU SO MUCH THESE ARE SUCH LOVELY AND KIND WORDS IM GOING NUTS!!!!!!

Oh my gods the Little Prince comparison is making me INSANE thats like one of the highest compliments i could possibly receive i think, i love that book it fully changed my brain chemistry as a kid. Ive written things before that have drawn on that as thematic source material but to receive it on something i wasnt even intentionally trying to emulate makes me feel like all my insides got turned into bubbles. Ohmygods!!!! Holy shit!!!!

Also all these things you have to say about my writing being unique and just ;;;;;; wtf /pos this is so sweet to say, holy shit what do i do with all these compliments?!? Thank you so much, this is the most lovely ask ive gotten in a while and thats saying something bc ive been getting a TON of really nice people in my inbox lately. Im just so touched by what youve said here and how free you are with your praise-- it means a lot to me truly. Also ngl slightly stunned (/pos) at your comment about meaning so much to random people-- i guess its easy to forget that people dont just pay attention to the story that i post, but also to the person sitting behind the screen actually writing it. Its hard to conceptualize making such a personal impact on strangers when im not directly talking to them, but man im gonna be sitting on that comment for a WHILE just turning it over in my brain.

I am INCREDIBLY glad you like the fic, and especially Pearl's characterization. Tbh i have my friend @/cosmic-nopedog to thank for that one-- he was a big reason why i chose to give her such a meaty role, and he helped me come up with some of the emotional plot for her to begin with. I honestly think Pearl's role here is one of my absolute favorites in the entire story, and i cant wait to write more of it out :DDD

As for the time aspect, i do admit some of that probably has to do with the fact that i generally only update once a month 😭😭😭😭 but also, i really like episodic chapters!!! I sorta view scenes as film reels in my head, so i often write them accordingly, and im a real big stickler for ending chapters in a way that rounds them off satisfyingly. I tried explaining this to my partner about a month ago, but yknow how songs typically end on that one closing note to mark that theyre over??? Thats the sort of beat i always try to emulate when im finishing a chapter off. I just really personally find it satisfying to tie each chapter up individually, only to introduce a new "episode" in the next one so each one feels fairly complete and like it could almost stand alone. This is just a personal preference, though, and is likely influenced by all the specific books i read growing up <- almost exclusively read 70s fantasy novels 😂😂😂 either way, im really glad you like it and think its unique!!! These messages were so sweet to receive, i am sending you Beams rose anon, i hope youre having an AMAZING DAY and thank you so so much for making mine❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[yaz-the-spaz]

I'm sure you've noticed me stalking your blog these past two days lol and I have another question if you dont mind. In my last ask you said you had some theories about zayn leaving ot4vszayn etc and I was wondering if you would expand upon them? If you dont want to write it all out, you can point me towards certain tags or other blogs if you want. I've been looking through your tags and have found a lot but I wanted to know if there is something that might be more like a timeline of sorts? Thx!!

hey there! here i finally am, so sorry to have kept you waiting but i hope this reply finds you well! :) 

now onto your questions…

so as far as a timelines @bakagamieru has some really good masterposts (x, x) that i would recommend checking out that really break things down play-by-play and i think most of which was compiled as it was happening so it’s a super great (and super detailed) documentation of all the shit that was going down during that period and all the narrative inconsistencies and stunts and back and forth, etc. they’re quite long though and, like i said, very detailed so i would recommend making sure you have plenty of time on your hands before you get sucked down a masterpost and link rabbit hole lol

and for more thoughts/theories of mine i would say check my zayn vs. ot4 tags (x, x - sorry there’s multiple iterations of this, apparently sometimes i had put a period after vs and sometimes i didn’t and now i have two tags smh at my own damn irritating inconsistency)

now onto the meat of your question, which is my current theories on zayn leaving/the zayn vs. ot4 narrative which i’m gonna put as a read more cause i’m not in the mood for ppl coming for me if they disagree, so read at your own risk folks…

so over the years there’s four main theories that i’ve personally gone back and forth over, which i’m gonna summarize quickly and try and explain as succinctly as i can my thoughts on each one and my opinion on the likelihood of it holding credence

disclaimer before i get into the explanations - a large part of my reasoning has to do with the caveat of there possibly being any kind of real tension or bad blood between zayn and louis in particular or any of the other boys. not saying that it was necessarily actually the case, just that it was a potential factor that went into my rationale and personal mental debate over the whole situation

he was coerced in some shape or form to leave and instead of fighting it, went along with it (maybe b/c he was already unhappy) - if there ever was actually any real animosity between him and louis (or harry/niall), this could explain why louis (or the others) might have hypothetically been mad at him b/c he might have felt that zayn could’ve/didn’t fight hard enough or went along with it too easily. but all that aside, even if there was no tension between him and louis/the boys, this option makes a lot of sense because given all he talked about going through in the band (depression, the e.d., too much pressure, not having control or being able to do what he wanted, the intense and rampant closeting putting a strain on his relationship, etc.) it’s not hard to see how he might’ve felt this was the best and only option

he was coerced into leaving, tried to fight it but couldn’t (and possibly even knew for a while that it was coming) - this wouldn’t explain why louis (or the others) might have hypothetically been mad at him but instead does put more credence into the fact that that was completely contrived and pushed by mgmt, and is also just as likely as #1 to me for pretty much the same reasons, not to mention it explains some shady things that happened in the months leading up to it re him not being there for certain promo obligations and appearances, etc.

he was coerced into leaving and had absolutely no choice about it and no way to fight it (i.e. didn’t necessarily want to leave but still knew for a while that it was coming) - pretty much same reasoning as above for this one, the only difference being that in this scenario he wouldn’t have wanted to leave at all which given all he went through i just don’t know if i believe that was wholly the case (more on this below) 

he chose to leave completely on his own - although it would explain any lingering animosity, this to me is the least likely in large part because i just have a hard time believing he would have chosen all on his own to just up and leave in the middle of a tour, not to mention been allowed to (esp given that they would’ve all known they had the hiatus coming up not long after and were about to go the countries where zayn specifically probably have had the biggest following/fan support - the middle east and north africa). but even if he hypothetically really did choose it all on its own it’s hard for me to believe that he would have even been able to leave like that unless there was some element of complacency from their mgmt that allowed it to happen and then you have to wonder why would they just let 1/5 of their biggest money maker walk away with no law suits, no drama, no nothing. it stinks of a larger plan at play which is what brings me back to the theories above. 

those are the main theories that i’ve gone back and forth on and i’ve never really been able to settle on just one, but to me given all that he expressed after leaving the most likely are the first two. i think all of the boys were pretty much done with how they were being treated, but zayn especially so, and it’s very easy for me to see how, when the opportunity arose he might have accepted because he felt it was the best way to save himself (as in his mental and physical health) and possibly also his relationship, though whether that acceptance was with a little (theory #1) or lot (theory #2) of initial opposition on his part, who’s to say. however, i definitely believe that, regardless of the details, there was some element of seeding and/or coercion from tptb, esp when considered in context with the shadiness of certain things, like him not being at certain events that he should’ve legally been obligated to be at in the months leading up to his leaving if no one but him knew he was planning on leaving. or him crying at the last concert that he performed at. those do not seem to be like the actions of a man who wanted to leave completely of his own accord and without any degree of finessing by mgmt to orchestrate it. when you’re a mega popstar in the biggest band in the world you don’t just not show up to something. that’s the type of situation where people will literally come to your house and drag you out of bed because you’re costing them a shit ton of money (like millions of dollars worth of money) by not being there. there’s tons of stories of rock stars where managers or someone from their team would literally go bang down a missing band member’s door, shove them in the shower to sober them up or help them whatever they needed to do, and drag their ass on stage to perform or to a press event or whatever. so you can bet that nothing less, if not the same, would be done for a missing member of a multi-billion-dollar-making band if need be. 

so yeah zayn just not showing up for promo events and performances in the months leading up to his leaving? not believable to me at all. the only conceivable reason for him not to have been there is if mgmt didn’t want him there and the only reason (at least that i can think of) for why you wouldn’t 1/5 of your biggest money-maker to be somewhere he should have been legally obligated to be (and that might’ve cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars for him not to be) is if he wasn’t legally obligated to be there because you were already in the process of phasing him out. ergo it was very likely planned. months in advance. and if it was planned months in advance with the help and orchestration of mgmt then that story of him just deciding to up and leave is complete bs and makes it even more likely to me that there was a level of coercion (because again if 1/5 of your biggest money maker suddenly says to you ‘i wanna leave’ you’re gonna do everything in your power to make him stay so you can keep making money, not help phase him out. unless of course you want him out, which they clearly did.)

one last thing i wanna add is a link to a post i had saved that i feel adds a bit of further credence to all this, it’s nothing concrete but it’s something that helped solidify some things for me when i was a giant ball of confusion over what to believe

anyway, i know that i rambled on forever and this definitely did not end up being as succinct or brief as i had hoped (though lbr when is anything i do ever), but i hope this at least sort of answered your questions and made some amount of sense/was not too incoherent and didn’t completely bore you to death lol